Contents

Cover

About the Book

Letter from Sophie Kinsella

Title Page

Shopaholic on Honeymoon

Preview of Shopaholic to the Stars

About the Author

Also by Sophie Kinsella

Copyright

About the Book

A special gift for Sophie Kinsella fans – a new free Shopaholic short story, revealing what happened on Becky and Luke’s honeymoon, and including two chapters of Sophie Kinsella’s latest book, Shopaholic to the Stars.

The new Mr and Mrs Brandon are on honeymoon, and Becky has big plans! They’ve got a whole year to explore Venice, learn yoga in India, sleep in little wooden huts in South America . . . maybe even see penguins in the Arctic. And of course they’ll need to buy just a few, essential souvenirs along the way (everyone needs a set of Murano glass goblets, after all).

They’re not just tourists, they’re travellers. Becky is sure it is just the thing that Luke needs – time to unwind. He’ll come back a changed man . . . with all the good bits still intact of course.

But it soon becomes clear that Luke has different plans entirely. Can Becky help him let go, or will this little disagreement threaten their whole honeymoon?

Dear Reader

As readers of the Shopaholic series will know, I have never described Becky and Luke’s honeymoon, which happens after they get married in Shopaholic Ties the Knot. So as a free update for Shopaholic fans, I have decided to share with you one of the adventures of the newly-wed Becky and Luke.

I hope you enjoy it!

Sophie Kinsella

SHOPAHOLIC ON HONEYMOON

Sophie Kinsella

Venice

OK. Don’t panic.

Don’t panic. The water taxi isn’t going to sink. We’ll just have to rearrange our packages. Venetian water taxis must be used to a bit of shopping, surely?

‘What the hell’s this?’ Luke is sweating as he manhandles our last purchase into the water taxi: a massive bundle of bubble wrap and corrugated card and Sellotape.

I look at him indignantly. How can he ask, ‘What’s this?’

‘It’s our set of twelve Murano glass goblets!’ I say. ‘You were there when we chose them! All the different colours, remember? Weren’t you concentrating?’

‘Right.’ Luke looks at the huge parcel again. ‘Did we have to buy twelve glass goblets?’

‘They’re Murano glass,’ I repeat patiently. ‘We’re in Venice, Luke. Everyone buys Murano glass in Venice. It’s practically the law.’

‘But we bought some Murano glass,’ he points out. ‘When we were actually on Murano, yesterday. The dish. Remember?’

I’m silent for a moment. I know we bought a dish on Murano. But what’s a tiny little dish compared to twelve amazing goblets? I’m already imagining all the dinner parties we’ll throw, using the goblets for aperitifs. We’ll have our dining room totally Venetian. People will say, ‘Have you seen the Brandons’ Venetian goblets?’

‘Everyone needs goblets,’ I say at last. ‘Come on. Sit down. Enjoy the sunshine.’

Luke makes his way past all our bags and lifts a hand to the water taxi driver.

‘Scusi,’ he says. ‘Finito.’

As we move off down the canal, I lean back, put on my shades and beam at Luke. We’re having the perfect honeymoon. No, the über-perfect honeymoon.

To be honest, we needed it. Our whole wedding situation turned into a bit of a saga, and we’ve both been really tense. In fact, at one point I actually thought we might both have nervous breakdowns. Or heart attacks. (Or some kind of horrible, stressy skin complaint, which would have been the worst.) Anyway. That all seems ages ago, now. We set off last week from Oxshott, and spent a week in Rome, then flew on to Venice.

We’ve been here for two days and already I’m completely used to travelling about on canals. In fact, I don’t know why we don’t use the Thames more when we’re in London. Why don’t we have gondolas and water taxis whizzing about all the time?

And look at the way they’re all dressed so smartly in matching stripy tops and boaters. Why don’t London taxi drivers wear matching costumes? You’d think the Mayor would have thought of that. In fact, I might write him a letter about it.

‘Luke, when we get back to London, I think you should commute to work by boat,’ I say firmly. ‘It makes total sense. And it’s probably greener, too. Maybe we could buy a boat, even!’

Luke turns to look at me. His face is silhouetted against the backdrop of an amazing Venetian building with crumbling shutters, and I can’t quite read his expression.

‘Darling, are you going to be like this all the way round the world?’ he says at last.

‘What?’

‘When we get to Sri Lanka, are you going to tell me I should really start commuting by elephant?’

‘No!’

‘When we get to the Arctic, are you going to want to buy a skidoo?’

‘No!’ I say, immediately wondering what a skidoo is and how much they cost. ‘Anyway, we’re not going to the Arctic.’

‘Glad to hear it.’

I squeeze his hand and beam at him. I’m in charge of our itinerary and I haven’t divulged it yet, except that we’re going round the world. I want to surprise him as we go along.

Also, I want to stay flexible. Maybe we’ll want to spend longer in one place … leave out another … think of somewhere completely new … Perhaps we should go to the Arctic. I’ve always wanted to see penguins. Or are they at the Antarctic? Could we do both?

Anyway. The point is, we’ve got a year to fill. Just the thought of it makes me feel exhilarated. We’re free! Luke has temporarily handed over his company, Brandon Communications, to his old friend Michael. We have no commitments. So we don’t need to be on some rigid schedule. We’re not tourists, we’re travellers.

* * *

It takes two journeys to struggle into our hotel with all the packages, and the receptionist watches us with growing concern. She’s a dark-haired girl with luscious dimples and has already become my new best friend after a slight hair-related emergency I had on the first day. (It turns out you can buy Frizz-Ease in Venice, if you know where to look. But the proportion is one bottle of Frizz-Ease to 55,000 Venetian carnival masks. They might want to look at that.)

‘You’d like to ship your purchases?’ She comes out from behind her desk and looks dubiously at the package of goblets. ‘Would you like us to arrange it?’

‘Yes, please.’ I beam at her. I’d already thought of this solution in the glass shop. We don’t need to struggle round the world with all our mementoes. We’ll just send them home!

‘Won’t it be fun when we get home and open everything we’ve bought?’ I turn to Luke. ‘It’ll be like Christmas!’

‘Yes.’ Luke looks a little doubtful. ‘Becky, we must keep track of everything we send back.’

‘Of course we will!’ I say, a bit impatiently. ‘I’ll remember everything.’

Luke has such a way of inventing problems that don’t exist.

‘Come on.’ I tug at his hand. ‘Let’s go and have a cup of coffee and decide where to go next.’

Our hotel was once a palazzo, and has a beautiful courtyard where you can sit and have cappuccinos and look at everyone’s outfits. Plus the coffee is delicious, so I’d be quite happy to sit here for a while and just chill. But Luke has already got his guidebook out and is riffling through the pages.

This is the only tiny difference between Luke and me. He likes reading about buildings and exhibits and history, whereas I only have to read the words ‘Built in 1755, the church was originally …’ and I fall asleep. (Which is quite handy on planes, as it happens.)

‘So, I was thinking about going to the Peggy Guggenheim,’ he says cautiously. ‘It’s supposed to be spectacular. But if you’d rather not …’

‘Why would I rather not?’ I say, puzzled.

‘Well,’ he says after a pause. ‘The Guggenheim has … history for you. Doesn’t it?’

What? I nearly spit out my coffee, I’m so offended. How can he bring that up? OK, so I did have a slight issue over the Guggenheim museum in New York a while ago. But we’re married now. This is our honeymoon. Everyone knows that when you get married the slate is wiped clean and neither party should refer to any unfortunate incidents in the past, either Guggenheim-related or non-Guggenheim-related.

‘I’d love to go to the Guggenheim,’ I say haughtily. ‘I’m actually developing quite an interest in art. In fact, I got talking to some artists yesterday, while you were paying the restaurant bill.’

Which is true. They were Americans, over here to study. They were standing at their easels in the square, sketching a church, and they all looked really cool and one of them had the cutest little dog called Beanie.

‘Oh.’ Luke seems taken aback. ‘I didn’t know.’

‘I was actually thinking I might study art in my spare time,’ I add for good measure. ‘Maybe do a fine art degree.’

‘I thought you were going to study pasta-making?’

I stare at Luke blankly for a moment, before I suddenly remember saying that in Rome. I was so inspired by the scrummy ravioli.

‘Well, I’ll do both. Evening classes. When I’m not doing yoga.’

Yoga is the other art I’m determined to learn on this holiday. My best friend, Suze, is really into yoga and she’s told me about this brilliant place you can go in India to learn it. Or Sri Lanka. Somewhere, anyway. It’s on my list.

‘I can’t wait to get to the Far East,’ I add longingly. ‘I’m going to get you into yoga, too. That’ll de-stress you.’

I prod him with my toe and he laughs.

‘So, where’s next after Venice?’

‘Prague.’

‘Prague! Great.’ He nods. ‘And then?’

‘Don’t be so impatient! Wait and see! There’s plenty of time.’

The truth is, Luke’s not brilliant at going on holiday. He doesn’t really get the whole chilling-out-and-doing-nothing thing. He always wants a plan and a timescale and to have our daily schedule on his BlackBerry. But that’s the whole point of this year. To unwind him. To turn him into a different Luke Brandon.

I mean, not totally different, obviously. He can keep all his good bits.

‘What are you thinking?’ He smiles at me, and for an instant I imagine telling him the truth. I was thinking about how I want to change you, all except your good bits.

‘Er … nothing!’ I smile back. ‘Let’s go.’

* * *

It turns out the Guggenheim in Venice is the perfect museum! Number one: it’s not really a museum, it’s a house. Number two: it’s got a gorgeous garden and a view over the Grand Canal. Number three: there’s just the right amount of art. Enough that you can nod and go ‘Mmmm,’ and appreciate it and everything, but not so much that your eyes start to blur over and you start wanting to die.

Luke is really into modern art, and he spends ages staring at a couple of paintings that look just a teeny bit like random, senseless scribbles to me, so I decide to go and appreciate the art in the garden, where you can sit on a bench and close your eyes and just soak up the vibe in more of a holistic way.

After a while, I feel a tap on my shoulder and look up to see Luke in front of me.

‘That was great!’ I say at once. ‘Amazing concepts. I was just thinking about them.’

‘Isn’t it a fantastic exhibition?’ Luke nods enthusiastically. ‘I thought I might pop into the gift shop,’ he adds. ‘There’s a book I want to buy. Do you mind if I just have a quick look?’

I stare at him, flummoxed. Something about this conversation feels back to front. I’m waiting for Luke to shop?

‘Of course,’ I say at last. ‘If you want to pop into the shop, I don’t mind. No problem. Take your time.’

As Luke heads into the gift shop, I can’t resist leaning against the door, looking a little bored, just like Luke normally does when we’re out shopping. Then I get out my phone and start tapping a text to Suze, which is even more like Luke. Whenever I’m buying shoes, he always suddenly has a million urgent emails to do, and barely even glances at what I’m trying on. Well, now he’ll know what it feels like.

‘What do you think?’ He brings two big hardback books over for me to see. ‘I can’t decide.’

‘They both look good,’ I say, looking up politely from my text.

‘One’s quite a lot more expensive than the other, but it’s more substantial …’ He riffles the pages, frowning. ‘Shall I get both?’

‘Do you need both?’ I reply innocently.

Ha! This is fun. Next I’ll say, ‘Surely you’ve got lots of art books at home already, Luke?’ or ‘Do you really think you’ll use them?’ or ‘They both look the same to me.’

I’m about to look at my watch and sigh, which is another thing Luke always does when we’re shopping … when something catches my eye, perched on a display in the middle of the shop. It’s a triple-layer, all-in-one art set. It has a palette of paints in every colour, brushes, sketching pencils, pastels … even a little artist’s mannequin.

I walk towards it, mesmerized. I’ve always wanted an art set, ever since I was a little girl. And this one is amazing. The case is velvet-lined. The brushes are polished wood. The paint colours are fabulous. It reminds me of my Urban Decay eye palette.

I run my fingers over the graphite pencils, experiment with the cantilevered lid and try out the biggest, fattest sable brush. I can’t tear myself away. It’s exquisite, and I’ve been wanting to get into art, and if I don’t do it in Venice, then where?

There’s an easel for sale, too. And some pads of smooth white paper that I’m already itching to draw on. I can feel a whole new exciting creative urge rising through me. Maybe I’ve got an artistic talent that I’ve never tapped into!

Plus, the easel folds up. I could easily get it on to a vaporetto. I could go and join the American art students in that little square! Yes! I have a sudden vision of myself arriving home from honeymoon with a portfolio of amazing art. Our new home will be lined with framed sketches from our travels, everyone will be so impressed …

I’m just manhandling the easel down off the display when Luke appears, holding one of the books.

‘You’re right,’ he says. ‘I think they’re pretty similar. I’ll just get this one. You don’t want anything, do you?’ His eyes fall in puzzlement on the easel. ‘What’s that?’

* * *

OK, we are in serious danger of having our first honeymoon row. A waste of money?

For someone who claims to be an ‘art-lover’, Luke has a surprising way of showing it. You’d think he’d support his wife’s artistic endeavours. You’d think he’d be pleased. Not say, ‘Drawing? You? Really?’ Not say, ‘How much?’ Not say, ‘What about just getting a box of paints for five euros?’ He so doesn’t understand anything.

Anyway, the lady in the shop took my side, so there. And the easel isn’t that heavy. Still, I might just stop and catch my breath for a moment.

‘Are you all right?’ says Luke, looking at me in alarm. ‘Becky, let me carry it.’

‘No,’ I say obstinately. ‘It’s fine. It hardly weighs anything.’

We’re on our way to the little tucked-away square where I saw the American art students before. I’m clutching my easel and pad of paper, with my art set slung over my shoulder by the long strap.

‘Becky, don’t be ridiculous.’ He’s trying to take the easel from me. ‘It’s clearly too heavy for you.’

‘It’s not! That’s not why I stopped. I stopped because …’ I look around for inspiration. ‘Because we’ve got to choose you a mask.’

There’s a mask shop to our left and I drag the easel towards the window, trying to hide the fact that I’m out of breath.

Luke laughs. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘What about that one?’ I point to a mask in a red, gold and silver harlequin design. ‘Or one on a stick?’

I’ve bought two masks already, which are both stunning. One has peacock feathers and one has a glittery hood. (We have to throw a masked Venetian party when we get back home.) But Luke hasn’t got into it at all. He keeps trying to buy the smallest, simplest mask in the shop. Which is so not the point.

‘That one!’ I suddenly spot an elaborate masked headdress, in purple and black satin. ‘Go and try it on!’

‘You’re not getting me into that!’ Luke recoils.

‘Well, you have to buy something special before we leave. This is our honeymoon, remember.’

I pick up the easel and walk determinedly on, towards the square. As I arrive, I see all the American students gathered, drawing at their easels, and my spirits lift. Here we are! How’s this for an amazing, unique experience? Drawing in Venice!

The square is quiet and shady, with nothing but a solitary café, a church and a fountain. The students are all drawing the church, so I decide to do the same. I set up my easel alongside a girl with tangled blonde curls, and get out my art materials, trying not to look self-conscious.

‘You could sit there and read your art book,’ I suggest to Luke, gesturing at a nearby café table. ‘We could order a bottle of wine … you read … I’ll draw … we’ll just have a lazy afternoon.’

‘OK.’ Luke nods, but as he sits down I can tell he’s twitchy. He opens his book, looks at his watch, then shuts it again.

‘I want to see the Scuola di San Rocco before we leave,’ he says.

‘Right.’ I nod. ‘Well, shall we do that tomorrow? Or the next day?’

By now, I’ve clipped my paper to my easel. I get out a charcoal stick and hold it up, copying the girl with blonde curls. Then I notice that Luke is tapping his fingers.

‘Do you want to see the Scuola di San Rocco?’ he asks abruptly.

I’ve never even heard of the Scuola di whatsit, not that I’ll admit it.

‘Not particularly.’ I shrug.

‘Well, I’ll go along there now. Get it done. I’ll catch up with you later. He gives me a kiss, then strides off, already consulting his map of Venice.

I watch him go, feeling a bit hurt, despite myself. Didn’t he want to spend a lazy afternoon with me? What’s some old building got that I haven’t?

Anyway. Never mind. The important thing is, I’m here with my easel and my gorgeous art set, and I’m going to have a lovely afternoon being creative. The girl with tangled blonde curls looks over and smiles.

‘Hi again,’ she says. ‘You decided to join us!’

‘That’s right.’ I draw a brisk, confident stroke across my page. ‘Just going to do a bit of sketching.’

I draw a few more lines, letting my artistic instinct take over, then shade a bit, then step back to look.

Oh God. I must have defective instincts. I’ve basically just drawn a triangle with a bobbly bit.

Right. Let’s start again.

* * *

After an hour my arm is aching and my head is throbbing and I’m feeling a bit discouraged. This art business is harder than I thought. I know what I want to draw, it’s just … it doesn’t seem to be happening on the page.

I’ve used all my charcoals, all my pastels, all my gouaches and fourteen sheets of paper. Now I’m on to the graphite pencils, but every time I draw a line I immediately rub it out.

The other problem I hadn’t foreseen is, it’s so public here. Tourists keep coming up to have a look, which puts me off my stride, and one little boy even burst out laughing, which was totally uncalled for.

I need a whole new approach. I screw up my fifteenth piece of paper and take a deep breath. Forget perspective and shading and all that. I’m going to do modern art. I draw a thin blue stripe down one side of the paper, and add a red spot next to it. I stand back and look at it admiringly.

Brilliant. Now I just have to think of a fancy title that sounds deep and meaningful, which is easy-peasy. I can think of about ten off the top of my head.

Falling 63.

The splinter leaves the body.

In Vietnam.

I quite like that last one, In Vietnam, although what it has to do with a stripe and a spot, God only knows. But it sounds cool and arty. I write ‘In Vietnam’ in pencil at the bottom of the page and add a flashy signature.

Perfect! And it took about thirty seconds.

The girl with tangled curls comes over and says, ‘You mind if I have a look?’

‘Go ahead,’ I say nonchalantly.

‘Right.’ The girl stares at the paper for a while, nodding slowly. ‘I like your use of vertical space.’

‘Thanks,’ I say modestly. ‘Yours is nice too,’ I add, wandering over to her sketch.

Hers is pretty expert, I have to admit. It looks exactly like the church and is all cloudy and shady. But she hasn’t got a fancy title like In Vietnam, has she? I’m about to offer to think of a cool title for her when I see Luke walking across the square.

‘Hi!’ I wave at him. ‘That’s my husband,’ I add to the girl. ‘We’re on honeymoon.’

‘Oh, awesome! How long are you here for? Are you going to the masked ball next week?’

‘Masked ball?’ I stare at her, riveted. ‘I didn’t know there was a masked ball.’

‘Oh, sure. You can buy tickets at the kiosk in St Mark’s Square. It’s next Saturday.’

This is so cool! A masked ball! I have a vision of me and Luke in amazing masks and evening dress, whisking along the Grand Canal in a candle-lit gondola. We have to go. We have to.

‘How did you do?’ Luke comes up, kisses me, then surveys my paper. For a few moments he doesn’t speak. When at last he turns, his mouth is twitching.

‘In Vietnam,’ he says.

‘That’s right.’ I nod carelessly. ‘It’s conceptual.’

‘Ah.’ He nods. ‘What’s the concept?’

For a moment I’m silenced.

‘I don’t have to tell you the concept,’ I say at last. ‘It’s private.’

‘Private?’

‘Yes. It’s very personal and profound. Actually.’

I hastily fold up all my discarded bits of paper before he can look at them.

‘So, will you be working every day?’ Luke lifts his eyebrows. ‘Do we have to structure our holiday round your creative impulses?’

‘We’ll see,’ I say evasively.

I’m going off art a bit, to be honest. I mean, I still love all the stuff – all the pencils and brushes and cute little pots of paint. It’s just the actual doing the art, which …

Well. It gets a bit samey. I bet this is an open secret among artists which no one ever admits. I bet Picasso sometimes used to think to himself, God, not another bloody cube.

‘I was just hearing there’s a masked ball next Saturday,’ I say, changing the subject. ‘We have to go. It’ll be amazing!’

‘Next Saturday?’ Luke’s face crinkles in a way I don’t quite understand.

‘Yes. Don’t worry, I’m sure we can extend our stay by a week or two.’ I start packing up my easel. ‘Let’s go for an ice-cream.’

* * *

We go and eat the most scrumptious gelati, sitting by the side of a canal with the late sun shining on the water. It’s basically your perfect honeymoon scenario – but Luke’s face stays crinkled.

Why is his face crinkled?

Also, a couple of times he starts to say, ‘Becky …’ then stops. And when I say ‘What?’ he replies, ‘Doesn’t matter,’ which means it does matter, but he just doesn’t want to say it.

What doesn’t he want to say?

As we head back to the hotel in silence, I feel increasingly fretful. And it isn’t just because this easel is a complete pain and keeps bumping against my legs and I wish I’d never bought it.

It’s Luke. He isn’t being honeymoony. He isn’t being joyful. He isn’t behaving like someone embarking on the biggest adventure of their whole life. He looks harassed.

It makes no sense. I mean, he’s not even organizing the trip. All he has to do is come along for the ride. All he has to do is remember his passport. If someone was taking me round the world for a whole year, I’d be on cloud nine! And my face would definitely not crinkle.

I’m going to confront him, I decide. As soon as I’ve got rid of this bloody easel and we’ve got upstairs to our room. We head up the steps into our hotel, and I practically shove the easel at the receptionist.

‘Could you please ship this to England? Same address. Thank you so much.’

‘Is the art career over already, then?’ enquires Luke, but I ignore him.

‘And we’d like to extend our stay,’ I add to the receptionist. ‘We’d like to stay at least another week. Will that be possible?’

‘Becky.’ Luke’s face is crinkling harder than ever. ‘Hold on a minute.’

‘It’s fine!’ I reassure him. ‘The air tickets are totally flexible. I’ll sort it all out. You don’t have to do anything.’

‘I don’t understand.’ The receptionist is looking from my face to Luke’s, bewildered. ‘You want to stay for longer? I thought you wanted to check out early.’

‘Early?’ I stare at her. ‘Why would we check out early?’ The receptionist doesn’t reply, just looks questioningly at Luke. ‘What’s going on?’ I turn to him. ‘What’s she talking about?’

‘Becky—’ He stops. ‘I’ve been thinking. We need to talk about this holiday.’

‘Honeymoon,’ I correct him.

‘Honeymoon.’ He nods. ‘Let’s go and …’ He gestures to a nearby seating area with two love seats. The receptionist takes the easel, and I follow Luke, feeling more agitated than ever.

‘OK,’ I say, as soon as we’re out of earshot. ‘What’s up? Why are you being all weird and saying we want to check out early?’

‘I’m not being weird,’ he retorts. ‘I just think we should crack on if we want to get to Prague and all these other places.’

Crack on? That has to be the least honeymoony term in the world. We’re not in a meeting. We’re not meeting some time-efficient objective, or whatever he does at work. He has to get out of that mentality, and then he’ll start enjoying himself.

‘We’re supposed to be relaxing, remember?’ I point out. ‘If we want to spend three weeks in Venice, we can. Why not? We’ve got all year.’

There’s silence. Something about Luke’s expression is wrong. And now he won’t meet my eye.

‘Haven’t we?’ I say at last, and he sighs.

‘Becky … I know you wanted to take a year.’

My heart instantly drops. No. No. He cannot be doing this.

‘You wanted to take a year too,’ I say, trying to stay calm. ‘We agreed. Luke, we are taking a year!’

‘A year? Seriously? Becky, I have a business to run. I have commitments. I can’t just duck out of life.’

This is why he went to the Scuola di whatsit this afternoon, I suddenly realize in dismay. He was trying to hurry things up.

‘But we agreed! Michael’s taking over while you’re away, everything’s arranged, we set it all up …’

Luke’s shaking his head. ‘You set it up. I didn’t have the heart to argue when you landed it on me. But you must realize it’s not feasible.’

‘It is feasible!’ I grab his hands. ‘Luke, it’s essential. You need some time out. You were practically having a nervous breakdown before the wedding. The company will be fine, the tickets are booked … we’re doing this. We’re doing it, OK?’

‘We can still do it,’ he says impatiently, pulling his hands away. ‘We can do a shorter version. We can still go to plenty of places.’

‘Like, how long?’

There’s a pause, then he says, ‘A month?’

‘A month?’ I stare at him in horror. ‘We can’t have a life-changing experience in a month! I wanted us to explore South America … sleep in little huts …’

‘Why little huts?’ puts in Luke.

Does he understand nothing?

‘Because! We’re travellers! I wanted to do yoga in India … maybe even go to the Arctic! I wanted us to change as people.’

He gives a slight laugh. ‘Can you honestly see me doing yoga?’

‘Not at the moment, no,’ I say heatedly. ‘That’s the point. I want you to change.’

‘Oh, you want me to change.’ He flares with sudden anger. ‘Two weeks into our marriage and I’m already not up to scratch. Well, great.’

‘That’s not what I mean! I’m doing this for you.’ I feel so angry I could cry. ‘You’ve never had any time off. You need to take stock. You need to do this.’

‘Well, I’m sorry. I can’t.’

‘You can. You can if you want to. Everything’s in place for you to do it.’ I’m breathing hard, my face flushed. ‘The question is … do you want to?’

He doesn’t reply. He’s not even looking at me. I guess that tells me all I need to know.

‘I won’t argue with you, Luke,’ I say in a trembling, dignified voice. ‘There’s clearly nothing more to say. I’m going out for a drink. Goodbye.’

I grab my bag and head a few steps towards the door before I find myself turning round, still churning with indignation.

‘I wish I’d never married you!’ The words fly out before I can think whether I mean them or not. ‘I thought I’d married someone who can see the big picture. That’s all.’

I stride out of the door, not really knowing where I’m going, but determined to get out.

* * *

Our hotel is in a small side street near St Mark’s Square and within a few minutes I find that I’ve automatically headed there, along with all the other tourists.

Well, fine. I’ll just sit and have a drink and soak up St Mark’s Square. If I’m going home in two weeks’ time, I’d better enjoy every second of this honeymoon that’s left. I look around at the colonnade and the pigeons and the shiny domes, and heave a great sigh. As I take a seat at Florian’s café, my heart feels like a lump of sand in my chest, and it’s not even because I’ve seen the price of a cappuccino.

I know Luke runs a business. I know he has responsibilities. But what about his responsibility to us as a couple? To himself? If he doesn’t take a year off and travel now, he never will. And it was all so perfect. It was all so exciting.

Miserably I order a glass of Prosecco, which costs exactly the same as I once paid for a Moschino scarf at Century 21 in New York. Mind you, I immediately lost the scarf on the subway, so maybe I can make this drink last longer. The trick is to sip it very slowly. Veeery sloooowly.

Except there’s something incredibly depressing about sipping a glass of Prosecco at 0.1 bubbles an hour. After about twenty minutes I’ve had enough. Rebelliously, I take a few deep, delicious slurps and empty the glass, then immediately order another one. Maybe I’ll sit here all evening, drinking Prosecco. It’ll cost me the same amount as a small car, but maybe I don’t care.

The late-afternoon light is making the square all gleamy-goldy and a band is playing, and if I hadn’t just argued with my new husband, it would all be totally gorgeous. Morosely I watch a couple having a picture taken in the middle of the square. They’re both wearing straw hats and have sunburnt arms and look really happy. I expect they’re on honeymoon too, but I bet the husband isn’t trying to bail out in the middle.

Surely it’s against the marriage vows to bail out of your honeymoon? Talk about lack of commitment. Talk about lack of priorities. Talk about—

‘Is this seat taken?’

I look up in shock. Luke is standing in front of me, silhouetted against the evening light, his eyes unreadable and his hair burnished at the ends. He should grow his hair, I find myself thinking randomly. Loosen up a bit.

Huh. Like that’s ever going to happen.

‘Go ahead.’ I jerk my chin at the other chair. I’m not going to smile and I’m not going to pretend everything’s OK. And nor can he have any of my Prosecco.

Luke pulls out a chair and I pretend to be very interested in the man playing the accordion in the band.

‘I’m sorry,’ says Luke at length, and I give the merest little shrug. Sorry doesn’t clarify anything. Is he sorry because he’s flying home tomorrow and wishes he’d married some Brandon C. clone who wouldn’t even want a honeymoon? Is he sorry because this marriage has clearly been a huge mistake and it’s going to be a nightmare sorting out the divorce? Is he sorry I chose Florian’s to come and drown my sorrows in, because I could have done so at half the price round the corner?

‘I was inspired by your art set,’ he adds. ‘So I came up with my own picture.’

He slowly unrolls a piece of paper and spreads it across the table. Reluctantly I raise my eyes to look at it, and the first shock I get is: he can draw.

‘You never told me you can draw!’ I say, almost accusingly.

‘Did Art A-level,’ he shrugs. ‘But this is more of a …’ He pauses. ‘Conceptual piece.’

‘Right.’

‘What do you think?’

‘Let me just …’ I clear my throat. ‘Assess it.’

I stare resolutely down at the picture, not wanting to give anything away. It shows the globe, all coloured in with blues and greens. There’s a drawing of me and Luke, standing on the globe, holding suitcases, hand-in-hand, with arrows curving all round the world. He’s drawn the Pyramids in Egypt and the Eiffel Tower in Paris and Ayers Rock in Australia and penguins at the South Pole. He’s even got my shoes right: red and white polka-dot wedges. And right at the bottom there’s a drawing of a calendar, showing twelve pages with one month on each page.

I can’t quite speak.

‘What do you think?’ he says again.

As I look at the little drawings of him and me, my eyes feel suddenly hot. We look so positive and dynamic and, somehow, together. Even if my hair is a bit weird. (Is that really what he thinks it looks like?)

‘Does it have a title?’ I say at last.

‘Honeymoon Interrupted Briefly But Then Resumed,’ he says.

I lift my eyes and see him gazing at me with that warm, familiar, Luke look.

‘Right.’ I swallow. ‘Well, that’s a good title.’

‘Is it a good plan?’

I’m searching for an answer when the waiter arrives with my second glass of Prosecco.

‘Good idea,’ says Luke. ‘I’ll have one of those, too, please.’ He reaches into a small paper bag and produces something with a flourish. ‘And look what I bought.’

He lifts up a Venetian carnival mask – black edged with gold – and covers his eyes. ‘I’ll need it for the ball next week.’

‘Really?’ I gaze at him, half-wanting to laugh, he looks so ridiculous.

‘Really.’ He takes the mask down and meets my eyes, suddenly serious. ‘Let’s do it, Becky. Let’s do it all. Europe, South America, yoga, penguins … whatever. And for as long as it takes.’

‘Right.’ I swallow hard, marshalling my thoughts. I should be triumphant. I mean, I won. I got my way. But now that I have, I feel suddenly anxious. ‘You’re sure? What about all your commitments? What about all the … stuff?’

‘The stuff is in my head,’ he says. ‘The stuff doesn’t exist. You’re right. Big picture. One life.’

‘Two lives,’ I correct him. ‘You’re in it with me now. Sorry about that.’

Luke smiles and reaches for my hand, and for a while we just sit: listening to the music, watching the pigeons flap about and sharing the Prosecco.

And as we sit there, I start to feel sparks of fresh excitement. We’re going to do it. We’re going to go round the world together! The truth is, I landed this whole year-long honeymoon idea on Luke out of the blue and he got swept away and it’s no wonder he’s had a wobble. But now, it’s as if we’re starting again. The two of us.

‘One proviso, Becky,’ Luke suddenly adds, looking up. ‘We’ve done our shopping, OK? We don’t need to buy souvenirs from everywhere we go. It’ll get ridiculous.’

‘Fine.’ I beam at him. ‘No problem. In fact, I totally agree. I just need to buy a few sets of marbled stationery and then I’m done.’

‘Marbled stationery?’ He stares at me. ‘What’s marbled stationery?’

Honestly. Does he not keep his eyes open as he walks around a city? He needs to learn to be more observant.

‘Marbled stationery! That gorgeous handblocked, traditional paper! You have to buy marbled stationery in Venice. I’m going to get some photo albums and some notecards and some pencils. They’ll be brilliant presents,’ I add. ‘I can give some to Suze for Christmas. And Mum. In fact, I’ll be sorted for everyone. I won’t need to buy anything else at all.’

‘OK,’ says Luke after a pause. ‘Marbled stationery, then that’s it.’

‘That’s it,’ I agree.

‘Nothing else.’

‘Nothing else.’ I nod firmly, and raise my glass to him, feeling suddenly ecstatic. We’ve patched up our fight and the sun is shining and we’re drinking Prosecco and we’re going to a masked ball next week! And I already know exactly which marbled stationery shop I’m going to go to.

This is going to be a fabulous honeymoon.

THE MAYOR OF LONDON’S OFFICE

City Hall

The Queen’s Walk

London SE1 2AA

Dear Mrs Brandon

Thank you for your letter of 10th July.

I was interested to hear of your proposal to ‘turn London into a new Venice’.

Introducing a fleet of gondolas to the Thames is certainly an innovative idea. I fear, however, that gondolas would not be suited to the tidal waters of the Thames and it would be unlikely that, as you suggest, Londoners would ‘start travelling everywhere by water’.

As for your proposal to attire London taxi drivers in ‘gorgeous matching costumes like gondoliers’, this is also interesting, and we appreciated your enclosed sketches. However, we think it unlikely that our taxi drivers would agree to wear ‘military-style Westwood jackets’ and ‘retro peaked caps’, nor agree to greet passengers with ‘Ciao, bella’.

We thank you for your interest in London’s continuing prosperity and growth and wish you an enjoyable honeymoon.

With best wishes

Philip Woodhouse

Assistant to the Mayor

ONE

OK. Don’t panic. Don’t panic.

I’ll escape from this. Of course I will. It’s not like I’ll be trapped here in this hideous confined space, with no hope of release, for ever … is it?

As calmly as possible, I assess the situation. My ribs are squashed so that I can hardly breathe, and my left arm is pinned behind me. Whoever constructed this ‘restraining fabric’ knew what they were doing. My right arm is also pinned at an awkward angle. If I try to reach my hands forward, the ‘restraining fabric’ bites into my wrists. I’m stuck. I’m powerless.

My face is reflected, ashen, in the mirror. My eyes are wide and desperate. My arms are criss-crossed with black shiny bands. Is one of them supposed to be a shoulder strap? Does that webbing stuff go around the waist?

Oh God. I should never ever have tried on the size 4.

‘How are you doing in there?’ It’s Mindy, the sales assistant, calling from outside the cubicle curtain, and I start in alarm. Mindy is tall and rangy with muscled thighs that start three inches apart. She looks like she probably runs up a mountain every day and doesn’t even know what a KitKat is.

She’s asked three times how I’m doing and each time I’ve just called out shrilly, ‘Great, thanks!’ But I’m getting desperate. I’ve been struggling with this ‘Athletic Shaping All-in-One’ for ten minutes. I can’t keep putting her off for ever.

‘Amazing fabric, right?’ says Mindy enthusiastically. ‘It has three times the restraining power of normal spandex. You totally lose a size, right?’

Maybe I have, but I’ve also lost half my lung capacity.

‘Are you doing OK with the straps?’ comes Mindy’s voice. ‘You want me to come in the fitting room and help you adjust it?’

Come in the fitting room? There’s no way I’m letting a tall, tanned, sporty Angeleno come in here and see my cellulite.

‘No, it’s fine, thanks!’ I squawk.

‘You need some help getting it off?’ she tries again. ‘Some of our customers find it tricky the first time.’

I have a hideous vision of me gripping on to the counter and Mindy trying to haul the all-in-one off me while we both pant and sweat with the effort and Mindy secretly thinks, ‘I knew all British girls were heifers.’

No way. Not in a million years. There’s only one solution left. I’ll have to buy it. Whatever it costs.

I give an almighty wrench and manage to snap two of the straps up on to my shoulders. That’s better. I look like a chicken trussed up in black Lycra, but at least I can move my arms. As soon as I get back to the hotel room I’ll cut the whole thing off myself with a pair of nail scissors, and dispose of the remains in a public bin so Luke doesn’t find them and say What’s this? or, You mean you bought it even though you knew it didn’t fit? or something else really annoying.

Luke is the reason I’m standing in a sports apparel shop in LA. We’re moving out to Los Angeles as soon as possible because of his work, and we’re here on an urgent house-hunting trip. That’s our focus: real estate. Houses. Gardens. Rental agreements. Very much so. I’ve only popped to Rodeo Drive very, very quickly between house appointments.

Well, OK. The truth is, I cancelled a house appointment to come to Rodeo Drive. But I had to. I have a genuine reason for needing to buy some emergency running clothes, which is that I’m running in a race tomorrow. A real race! Me!

I reach for my clothes, grab my bag, and walk stiffly out of the cubicle, to see Mindy hovering nearby.

‘Wow!’ Her voice is bright but her eyes are shocked. ‘You look …’ She coughs. ‘Awesome. It’s not too … tight?’

‘No, it’s perfect,’ I say, attempting a carefree smile. ‘I’ll take it.’

‘Great!’ She can barely hide her astonishment. ‘So, if you want to take it off, I’ll scan it for you …’

‘Actually, I’ll wear it.’ I try to sound casual. ‘Might as well. Can you put my clothes in a bag?’

‘Right,’ says Mindy. There’s quite a long pause. ‘You’re sure you don’t want to try the size 6?’

‘No! Size 4 is perfect! Really comfy!’

‘OK,’ says Mindy after a silence. ‘Of course. That’ll be eighty-three dollars.’ She scans the barcode on the tag hanging from my neck and I reach for my credit card. ‘So, you’re into athletics?’

‘Actually, I’m running in the Ten Miler tomorrow afternoon.’

‘No way!’ She looks up, impressed, and I try to appear nonchalant and modest. The Ten Miler isn’t just any old running race. It’s the race. It’s held every year in LA and loads of high-profile celebrities run it and they even cover it on E! And I’m in it!

‘How did you get a place?’ Mindy says enviously. ‘I’ve applied for that race, like, every year.’

‘Well.’ I pause for effect. ‘I’m on Sage Seymour’s team.’

‘Wow.’ Her jaw drops, and I feel a spurt of glee. It’s true! I, Becky Brandon (née Bloomwood), am running in the team of a top movie star! We’ll do calf stretches together! We’ll wear matching baseball caps! We’ll be in US Weekly!

‘You’re British, right?’ Mindy interrupts my thoughts.

‘Yes, but I’m moving to LA soon. I’m out here to look at houses with my husband, Luke. He has a PR company and he works with Sage Seymour,’ I can’t help adding proudly.

Mindy looks more and more impressed.

‘So are you and Sage Seymour, like, friends?’

I fiddle with my purse, delaying my reply. The truth is, despite all my hopes, Sage Seymour and I aren’t exactly friends. In fact, the real truth is, I still haven’t met her. Which is so unfair. Luke’s been working with her for ages, and I’ve already been out to LA once for a job interview, and now I’m out here again, finding a house and a pre-school for our daughter, Minnie … but have I even glimpsed Sage?

When Luke said he was going to work with Sage Seymour and we were going to move to Hollywood, I thought we’d be seeing her every day. I thought we’d be hanging out by her pink pool in matching sunglasses and going for mani-pedis together. But even Luke hardly ever seems to see her, he just has meetings with managers and agents and producers all day long. He says he’s learning the movie business and it’s a steep learning curve. Which is fair enough, because previously, he’s only advised financial companies and big conglomerates. But does he have to be so resolutely non-starry-eyed? When I got a tiny bit frustrated the other day, he said, ‘For God’s sake, Becky, we’re not making this huge move just to meet celebrities.’ He said celebrities like he was saying earwigs. He understands nothing.

The great thing about Luke and me is that we think alike on nearly everything in life and that’s why we’re so happily married. But we have just a few, teeny points of disagreement. Such as:

1. Catalogues. (They are not ‘clutter’. They’re useful. You never know when you might need a personalized kitchen blackboard with a dinky little bucket for the chalk. Plus I like reading them at bedtime.)

2. Shoes. (Keeping all my shoes in their original boxes for ever is not ridiculous, it’s thrifty. They’ll come back into fashion one day and then Minnie can wear them. And meanwhile he should look where he’s stepping.)

3. Elinor, his mother. (Long, long story.)

4. Celebrities.

I mean, here we are in LA. The home of celebrities. They’re the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to LA to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants.

But Luke didn’t gasp when we saw Tom Hanks in the lobby of the Beverly Wilshire. He didn’t blink when Halle Berry was sitting three tables away at The Ivy (I think it was Halle Berry). He didn’t even get excited when we saw Reese Witherspoon across the road. (I’m sure it was Reese Witherspoon. She had exactly the same hair.)

And he talks about Sage as if she’s just another client. Like she’s Foreland Investments. He says that this is what she appreciates about him: that he’s not part of the circus. And then he says I’m getting overexcited by all the Hollywood hoopla. Which is totally untrue. I am not overexcited. I’m exactly the right amount excited.

Privately, I’m disappointed in Sage, too. I mean, OK, we don’t exactly know each other, but we did speak on the phone when she was helping me with a surprise party for Luke. (Although she’s got a new number now, and Luke won’t give it to me.) I would have thought she might be in touch, or invite me round to her house for a sleepover, or something.

Anyway, never mind. It’ll all come good tomorrow. I don’t want to boast, but it’s totally due to my own quick wits that I’m in this Ten Miler race. I just happened to be looking over Luke’s shoulder at his laptop yesterday, when a round-robin email came in from Sage’s manager, Aran. It was entitled First come first served and read:

Dear friends,

There’s a last-minute place available on the Ten Miler team due to an injury dropout – anyone interested in running and supporting Sage?

My hands were on the keyboard, pressing Reply and typing Yes please! I would love to run with Sage! Best wishes, Becky Brandon before I was even aware I was moving.

OK, so maybe I should have consulted Luke before pressing Send. But it was ‘first come first served’. I had to act fast!

Luke just stared at me and said, ‘Are you nuts?’ Then he started going on about how this was a proper race for trained athletes, and who was going to sponsor me, and did I even possess any running shoes? Honestly. He could be more supportive.

Although, actually, he has a point about the running shoes.

‘So, are you in the movie business too?’ Mindy asks as she hands me the receipt.

‘No, I’m a personal shopper.’

‘Oh OK. Which shop?’

‘It’s … actually, it’s … Dalawear.’

‘Oh.’ She looks taken aback. ‘You mean, the store for …’

‘Older women. Yes.’ I lift my chin. ‘It’s a great store. It’s really exciting. I can’t wait!’

I’m being super-positive about this job, even though it’s not exactly my dream. Dalawear sells ‘easy-wear clothes’ for ladies who rate ‘comfort over style’. (It actually says that on the poster. I might try to persuade them to change it to ‘comfort as much as style’.) When I went to the interview, the woman kept talking about elasticated waistbands and washable fabrics and not once about directional fashion. Or even fashion.

But the truth is, there aren’t that many personal-shopping jobs popping up in LA at the last minute for a newly arrived Brit. Especially a Brit who may only be in the country for three months. Dalawear was the only store that had an opening, because of a maternity leave. And I rocked the interview, though I say it myself. I enthused about their ‘all-purpose floral shirtwaister’ dresses so much, I almost wanted to buy one for myself.

‘Can I please buy some running shoes, too?’ I change the subject. ‘I can’t exactly run in these!’ I gesture at my Marc Jacobs kitten heels with a little laugh. (For the record, I did once climb an entire mountain in a pair of shoes just like these. But I mentioned that to Luke yesterday as proof of my athletic ability and he shuddered and said he’d wiped that whole incident from his memory.)

‘Sure.’ Mindy nods. ‘You’ll want our technical store, Pump! It’s right across the street. They stock all the shoes, equipment, heart-rate monitors … did you get a biomechanical assessment in the UK?’

I look at her blankly. A bio-what?

‘Talk to the guys across the street, they’ll get you set up.’ She hands me a carrier bag holding my clothes. ‘You must be super-fit. I’ve worked out with Sage Seymour’s trainer. She’s hardcore. And I’ve heard about the team regimen. Didn’t you, like, go to Arizona for training?’

This conversation is unnerving me a tad. Hardcore? Team regimen? Anyway, I mustn’t lose confidence. I’m perfectly fit enough to run a race, even if it is in LA.

‘I haven’t been on the regimen exactly,’ I admit. ‘But obviously I have my own … er … cardio … programme … thing …’

I’ll be fine. It’s just running. How hard can it be?

As I head back out to Rodeo Drive, I feel a swoosh of exhilaration as the warm spring air hits me. I’m going to love living in LA, I just know it. Everything people say about it is true. The sun shines and the people have super-white teeth and the mansions look like film sets. I’ve looked at several houses for rent and they all have pools. It’s as if a pool is a normal thing, like a fridge.

The street around me simply glistens with glamour. It’s lined with expensive, shiny shopfronts and perfect palm trees and rows of luxurious-looking cars. Cars are a whole different thing here. People drive by in their colourful convertibles with the roof down, looking all relaxed and friendly, as if you might stroll up to them while they’re pausing at the lights and start a conversation. It’s the opposite of Britain where everyone’s in their own self-contained metal box, swearing at the rain.

Sunlight is glinting off all the shop windows and sunglasses and expensive watches on people’s wrists. Outside Dolce & Gabbana, a woman is piling a whole load of bags into a car, and she looks just like Julia Roberts, except with blonder hair. And a bit smaller. But apart from that, just like Julia Roberts! On Rodeo Drive!

I’m just trying to edge closer to see what bags she’s got, when my phone buzzes, and I pull it out to see Gayle on the screen. Gayle is my new boss at Dalawear, and we’re having a meeting tomorrow morning.

‘Hi, Gayle!’ I say in cheerful, professional tones. ‘Did you get my message? Are we still on for tomorrow?’

‘Hi, Rebecca. Yes, we’re all good this end …’ She pauses. ‘Except for one hitch. We still didn’t get your reference from Danny Kovitz.’

‘Oh, right.’ Drat. Danny is one of my best friends and is quite a famous fashion designer. He promised to give me a reference for Dalawear, only it’s been ages now and he hasn’t done anything about it. I texted him yesterday and he promised he would send an email within the hour. I can’t believe he hasn’t.

Actually, that’s not true. I can totally believe it.

‘I’ll call him,’ I promise. ‘Sorry about that.’

The truth is, I never should have asked Danny for a reference. But I thought it sounded so cool, having a top fashion designer on my résumé. And I’m sure it helped. They couldn’t stop asking me about him in the interview.

‘Rebecca …’ Gayle pauses delicately. ‘You do know Mr Kovitz? You have met him?’

She doesn’t believe me?

‘Of course I know him! Look, leave it with me. I’ll get the reference. I’m really sorry for the delay. See you tomorrow.’

I end the call and instantly speed-dial Danny, trying to stay calm. There’s no point getting cross with Danny; he just wriggles and becomes all plaintive.

‘Oh my God, Becky.’ Danny answers the phone as though we’re mid-conversation. ‘You would not believe what I need for this trek. It’s like, who knew you could get freeze-dried lasagne? And I have the cutest little tea kettle, you have to get one.’

This is why Danny is even more distracted than usual at the moment. He’s about to start training to do some celebrity charity expedition across the Greenland Ice Sheet. Every single person who knows Danny has told him he’s mad, but he’s adamant he’s going to do it. He keeps saying he wants to ‘give something back’ but we all know it’s because he fancies Damon, the lead singer from Boyz About, who’s also doing it.

Although how you get it together with someone on a Greenland expedition, I have no idea. I mean, can you even kiss? Do your lips stick together in the freezing air? How do Eskimos manage?

‘Danny,’ I say sternly, wrenching my mind away from an image of two Eskimos stuck together on their wedding day, flailing their arms around to break free. ‘Danny, what about my reference?’

‘Sure,’ says Danny without missing a beat. ‘I’m on it. How many pairs of thermal underwear shall I take?’

‘You’re not on it! You promised you’d send it yesterday! I’ve got to go and see them tomorrow and they don’t believe I even know you!’

‘Well, of course you know me,’ he says, as though I’m an idiot.

‘They don’t know that! This is my only chance of a job in LA and I have to have a reference. Danny, if you can’t do it, just tell me and I’ll ask someone else.’

‘Someone else?’ Only Danny can manage to sound mortally offended when he’s in the wrong. ‘Why would you ask someone else?’

‘Because they might actually do it!’ I sigh, trying to stay patient. ‘Look, all you need to do is send a little email. I’ll dictate it, if you like. “Dear Gayle, I can recommend Rebecca Brandon as a personal shopper. Signed, Danny Kovitz.”’ There’s silence down the phone and I wonder if he’s taking notes. ‘Did you get that? Did you write it down?’

‘No, I didn’t write it down.’ Danny sounds indignant. ‘That is the crummiest reference I ever heard. You think that’s all I have to say about you?’

‘Well—’

‘I don’t give out personal references unless I mean them. Unless I’ve crafted them. A reference is an art form.’

‘But—’

‘You want a reference, I’ll come and give you a reference.’

‘What do you mean?’ I say, confused.

‘I’m not writing three crappy lines on an email. I’m coming to LA.’

‘You can’t come to LA just to give me a reference!’ I start to giggle. ‘Where are you, anyway? New York?’

Since Danny hit the big time it’s impossible to know where he’ll be at any moment. He’s opened three new showrooms this year alone, including one in the Beverly Center here in LA. Which you’d think would tie him down, but he’s always scouting out yet more new cities or going on ‘inspirational research trips’ (holidays).

‘San Francisco. I was coming anyway. I need to buy sunblock. I always get my sunblock in LA. Text me the details. I’ll be there.’

‘But—’

‘It’ll be great. You can help me choose a name for my husky dog. We each get to sponsor one, but I may sponsor a whole team. It’s going to be, like, such a life-changing experience …’

Once Danny starts talking about ‘life-changing experiences’, it’s hard to cut him off. I’ll give him twenty minutes to talk about Greenland, I decide. Maybe twenty-five. And then I must go and buy my trainers.

TWO

OK, I officially have the coolest running shoes in the world. They’re silver with orange stripes and they have gel bits and mesh bits and I want to wear them all day long.

This sports shop is incredible! You don’t just buy a pair of trainers here. You don’t just put them on and walk around and say, ‘I’ll take them,’ and then throw six pairs of sports socks into your basket as well, because they’re on sale. Oh no. It’s all very technical. You do a special running test on a treadmill, and they take a video and tell you all about your ‘gait’, and find the perfect solution for your athletic needs.

Why don’t they do this at Jimmy Choo? They should have a little catwalk where you walk along to cool music and maybe strobe lighting, and they take a video. And then the expert would say, ‘We feel the black and white stiletto perfectly suits your awesome supermodel gait.’ And then you’d take the video home to show all your friends. I am so suggesting it, next time I’m in there.

‘So here’s the heart monitor I was telling you about …’ The sales assistant, Kai, reappears holding a little metal and rubber bracelet. ‘Like I said, it’s our most discreet model, new to the market. I’m excited to hear your opinion.’

‘Cool!’ I beam at him, and put it on my wrist.

Kai has asked if I’d like to join in a customer study of this new heart monitor, and why not? The only sticky moment was when he asked what heart monitor I was using currently and I didn’t like to say ‘none’, so I said ‘The Curve’ and then realized that’s Luke’s new BlackBerry.

‘Would you like some more coconut water before you start?’

More coconut water. That’s so LA. Everything in this shop is so LA. Kai himself is ripped and tanned and has exactly the optimum amount of stubble and bright turquoise eyes which I’m sure are lenses. He looks so like Jared Leto I wonder whether he went to a surgeon with a picture torn out of US Weekly and said, ‘This one, please.’

He’s already dropped into conversation that: 1. He’s modelled for Sports Illustrated; 2. He’s working on a script about a sportswear consultant who becomes a movie star; 3. He won Ohio’s Best Pecs three years running and has had his pecs specially insured. He asked me within about thirty seconds whether I worked in the film industry and when I said no, but my husband did, he gave me a card and said, ‘I’d love to meet with him to discuss a venture he might be interested in.’ The idea of Kai and Luke sitting at a table discussing his pecs nearly made me snort out my coconut water.

‘So if you’ll kindly step up here.’ Kai ushers me on to the treadmill. ‘I’ll be taking a record of your heart rate, so we’ll raise it with some aerobic activity and then lower it with rest periods. Just follow the treadmill and you’ll be fine.’

‘Great!’ As I step up, I notice a massive rack of exercise clothes being wheeled on to the shop floor by two sales assistants. Wow. They look amazing – all different shades of purples and greys, with abstract logos and really interesting shapes.

‘What’s that?’ I ask Kai as the treadmill starts to move gently along.

‘Oh.’ He looks at it without interest. ‘That’s from our clearance fashion floor.’

Clearance fashion floor? No one mentioned a clearance fashion floor. Why didn’t I know about the clearance fashion floor?

‘Weird.’ He peers at his computer screen. ‘Your heart rate just spiked and we didn’t even start the intense activity yet. Oh well.’ He shrugs. ‘Let’s get going.’

The treadmill starts to move along more briskly, and I up my walking pace to match. But I’m distracted by the rack of clothes, because an assistant is putting sale tickets on every garment! I spot a ‘90% off’ sign and crane my neck to see what it’s attached to. Is that a T-shirt? Or a mini-dress? Or—

Oh my God, look at that cardigan. I can’t help gasping aloud. That is stunning. It’s longline, in what seems to be grey cashmere, with an oversized, neon-pink zipper, all the way up the front and the back. It’s gorgeous.

‘So now we’ll rest for a moment …’ Kai is concentrating on his screen. ‘You’re doing great so far.’

The treadmill slows, but I barely notice. I’m feeling stabs of alarm. A pair of passing girls has seen the rail and fallen on it in delight. I can hear them exclaiming with glee, showing clothes to each other and dumping them in their baskets. They’re taking everything! I don’t believe it. The sale of the century is going on, ten yards away, and I’m stuck on this stupid treadmill. As long as they don’t see the cardigan. I will them silently: Don’t look at the cardigan …

‘OK, this is strange.’ Kai is frowning at his screen again. ‘Let’s pause the test.’

‘Actually, I need to leave,’ I say breathlessly, grabbing my handbag and shopping basket. ‘Thanks. If I need a heart monitor I’ll definitely get this one, but I must go …’

‘Rebecca, have you ever been diagnosed with arrhythmia? Heart disorder? Anything like that?’

‘No.’ I’m stopped in my tracks. ‘Why? Have you picked something up?’

Is he joking? No. His face is serious. He isn’t joking. I’m gripped with fright. What have I got? Oh my God, I’ll be in the Daily Mail health pages. My one-in-a-million heart condition was picked up in a simple store exercise test. Shopping saved my life, says Rebecca Brandon—

‘Your heart response wasn’t typical. It spiked, but not at the moments I was expecting. For example, it spiked just now when you were resting.’

‘Oh,’ I say anxiously. ‘Is that bad?’

‘Not necessarily. It would depend on a lot of things. Your general heart health, your cardio fitness …’

As he’s talking, my eye wanders over to the sale rack again, and to my horror I see that one of the girls has picked up my cardigan. No! Noooo! Put it down!

‘It’s happened again!’ says Kai in sudden animation, and points at the screen. ‘Do you see? Your heart rate rocketed!’

I look at Kai, and at the screen, and then at the cardigan with the neon-pink zip, and it all falls into place. Oh God, is that why my heart rate zoomed up?

This is so embarrassing. Stupid dumb heart. I can feel myself blushing bright red and I hastily look away from Kai.

‘Well!’ I say in flustered tones. ‘I have no idea why that happened. None! Just one of those mysteries. Mysteries of the heart. Ha ha!’

‘Oh. OK.’ Kai’s expression snaps as though in recognition. ‘Ooo-kay. I think I get it. I’ve seen this a couple times.’

‘Seen what?’

‘OK, this is a little awkward …’ He flashes me a perfect smile. ‘It was physical attraction to me, right? You don’t need to be uncomfortable. It’s normal. It’s why I had to give up personal training. The clients became … I don’t know, would you say “infatuated”?’ He glances complacently at himself in the mirror. ‘You looked at me and your response was beyond your control. Am I right?’

‘Not really,’ I say, honestly.

‘Rebecca.’ Kai sighs. ‘I know it’s embarrassing to admit, but believe me, you’re not the only lady to become attracted to me—’

‘But I wasn’t looking at you,’ I explain. ‘I was looking at a cardigan.’

‘A cardigan?’ Kai plucks at his T-shirt, confused. ‘I’m not wearing one.’

‘I know. It’s over there. It’s on sale.’ I point it out. ‘That’s what I was looking at, not you. I’ll show you.’ I take the opportunity to dash over and grab the cardigan, which, thank God, the girl has replaced on the rack. It’s super-soft to the touch and the zip is amazing, and it’s reduced by 70 per cent! I’m sure my heart is racing again, just from holding it.

‘Isn’t it gorgeous?’ I enthuse, heading back towards Kai. ‘Isn’t it fab?’ Suddenly I realize I’m not being very tactful. ‘I mean, you’re very good-looking too,’ I add encouragingly. ‘I’m sure I’d be attracted to you if it weren’t for the cardigan.’

There’s a pause. Kai looks slightly stunned, to be honest. Even his turquoise contact lenses seem a bit less sparkly.

‘You’d be attracted to me “if it weren’t for the cardigan”,’ he echoes at last.

‘Of course!’ I say, reassuringly. ‘I’d probably get infatuated, just like those clients of yours. Unless there were any other amazing clothes to compete with,’ I add, for honesty’s sake. ‘I mean, like a Chanel suit with ninety-nine per cent off. I don’t think any man could beat that!’ I give a little laugh, but Kai’s face has gone a bit rigid.

‘I never had to compete with clothes before,’ he says, almost to himself. ‘Clothes.’

I’m noticing that the atmosphere isn’t quite as easy and fun as it was before. I think I might just go and pay for my trainers.

‘Thanks for the heart test, anyway!’ I say brightly, and take off the bracelet. ‘Good luck with the pecs!’

Honestly. What a big-head that Kai is. I know he has stunning turquoise eyes and a great body, but he doesn’t have a neon zip, does he? Lots of men have stunning blue eyes, but only one cardigan has a cool oversized neon-pink zip. And if he thinks he’s never competed with clothes before, then his girlfriends have been lying to him. Every woman in the world sometimes thinks about shoes in the middle of sex. It’s a well-known fact.

Anyway. Don’t think about stupid Kai. On the positive front, I’ve got the best, most whizzy trainers in the world. And OK, they cost $400, which is a lot, but I’ll just have to think of this as an investment in my career. In my life.

‘So, I’ll box those for you,’ says the sales assistant, and I nod absently. I’m imagining standing at the start of the race with Sage, and her glancing down at my feet and saying, ‘Cool shoes.’

I’ll give her a friendly smile and reply carelessly, ‘Thanks.’

Then she’ll say, ‘Luke never told me you were such a serious athlete, Becky.’

And I’ll say, ‘Are you kidding? I love running.’ (Which isn’t quite true yet, but I’m sure it will be. Once I start this race, the endorphins will kick in and I’ll probably become addicted.)

Then Sage will say, ‘Hey, we should train together! Let’s meet up every morning.’

And I’ll say, ‘Sure,’ very nonchalantly.

Then she’ll say, ‘I train with some friends, but you’ll love them. Do you know Kate Hudson and Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz and—’

‘Will you be paying by credit or cash, ma’am?’

I blink at the assistant and fumble for my card. ‘Oh. Right. Credit.’

‘And did you choose your water bottle?’ the sales assistant adds.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘We’re offering a free bottle with every shoe purchase.’ He gestures at a nearby poster.

Well. This $400 seems more and more of a bargain.

‘I’ll just have a look. Thanks!’ I beam at him and head towards the display of bottles. Maybe if I’m carrying a cool bottle, Sage will notice that, too! There’s a whole wall of them – chrome, matt black, and all sorts of silicon colours. As my eye travels upwards, I spot a label: Limited-edition print. I squint, trying to see – but they’re on the fifth shelf. Honestly. Why would you put the limited-edition-print bottles on the fifth shelf?

There’s a stepladder nearby, so I drag it over and climb to the top. Now I can see the bottles properly, and they’re amazing: all with gorgeous retro prints. I can hardly bear to choose – but in the end I narrow it down to three: one with red stripes, one with amber swirls, and one with black and white flowers. I’ll pay for the extra ones, I decide, because I can give one each to Minnie and Suze as souvenirs.

I carefully put the bottles down on the top step of the ladder and turn to survey the shop. I have an amazing view from up here. I can see all the aisles, and I can see that the woman at the cash register needs her roots touching up, and I can see …

What?

Wait a minute.

I stiffen in disbelief and peer more closely.

In the far corner there’s a girl I hadn’t noticed before. She’s incredibly thin, wearing pale skinny jeans, a grey hoody up over her head, and dark glasses that hide her face. And no wonder she’s dressed so furtively. Because she’s stealing.

I stare in utter shock as I see her putting a pair of socks into her oversized handbag (Balenciaga, this season), and then another. Then a third. Then she looks around, kind of shrinks down into herself and walks swiftly towards the exit.

I’ve never seen a shoplifter in action before, and for an instant I just feel stunned. But next moment a boiling outrage is rising through me. She took them! She shoplifted! She shouldn’t do that! People shouldn’t do that!

What if we all did that? I mean, I bet we’d all like to have free socks, but we don’t just take them, do we? We pay. Even if we can’t really afford it, we pay.

My stomach is churning as I watch her leave. I feel really angry. It’s not fair. And suddenly I know I can’t just let her go. I have to do something. I’m not sure what – but something.

Leaving the bottles behind, I bound down the ladder and out of the shop door. I can see the shoplifter ahead of me, and increase my pace to a run, dodging pedestrians as I go. As I get near, my heart is thumping with apprehension. What if she threatens me? What if she’s got a gun? Oh God, of course she’s got a gun. This is LA. Everyone has guns.

Well, too bad. Maybe I will get shot, but I can’t wimp out now. I reach out a hand and tap her on her bony shoulder.

‘Excuse me?’

The girl whips round and I tense in fright, waiting for the gun. But it doesn’t come. Her sunglasses are so huge I can barely see her face, but I make out a thin, pale chin and a scrawny, almost malnourished neck. I feel a sudden stab of guilt. Maybe she’s on the streets. Maybe this is her only source of income. Maybe she’s going to sell the socks to buy food for her crack-addict baby.

Part of me is thinking, ‘Just turn away, Becky. Let it go.’ But the other part won’t let me. Because even if there’s a crack-addict baby, it’s just wrong. It’s wrong.

‘I saw you, OK?’ I say. ‘I saw you taking those socks.’

The girl immediately stiffens, and makes to run away, but I instinctively grab her arm.

‘You shouldn’t steal stuff!’ I say, struggling to keep hold of her. ‘You just shouldn’t! You probably think, “So what? No one got hurt.” But you know, shop assistants get in trouble when people shoplift. Sometimes they have to pay for the goods from their wages. Is that fair?’

The girl is wriggling desperately to get away, but I’m gripping on to her arm with both hands. Being the mother of a two-year-old, you learn a lot of immobilization skills.

‘And then all the prices go up,’ I add, panting. ‘And everyone suffers! I know you might think it’s your only option, but it’s not. You can turn your life around. There are places you can go for help. Do you have a pimp?’ I add, trying to sound sympathetic. ‘Because I know they can be a real pain. But you could go to a safe house. I saw a documentary about it, and they’re brilliant.’ I’m about to elaborate when the girl’s sunglasses slip to one side. And I glimpse the side of her face.

And suddenly I feel faint. I can’t breathe. That’s—

No. It can’t be.

It is. It is.

It’s Lois Kellerton.

All thoughts of crack addicts and safe houses disappear from my head. This is surreal. It can’t be happening. It has to be a dream. I, Becky Brandon, née Bloomwood, am clutching the arm of top Hollywood actress Lois Kellerton. As I peer at her unmistakable jawline, my legs start to shake. I mean, Lois Kellerton. I’ve seen all her films and I’ve watched her on the red carpet and I’ve—

But what—

I mean, what on earth—

Lois Kellerton shoplifted three pairs of socks? Is this some kind of candid-camera show?

For what seems like the longest moment, we’re both motionless, staring at each other. I’m remembering her as Tess in that brilliant adaptation of Tess of the d’Urbervilles. God, she made me cry. And there was that sci-fi one where she got deliberately stranded on Mars at the end, in order to save her half-alien children. I cried buckets, and so did Suze.

I clear my throat, trying to gather my thoughts. ‘I … I know who you—’

‘Please,’ she cuts me off in that familiar husky voice. ‘Please.’ She takes off her dark glasses and I stare at her in fresh shock. She looks terrible. Her eyes are red-rimmed and her skin is all flaky. ‘Please,’ she says a third time. ‘I’m … I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Are you employed by the shop?’

‘No. I’m a customer. I was up a ladder.’

‘Did they see me?’

‘I don’t know. I don’t think so.’

With a trembling hand she grabs the three pairs of socks from her bag and offers them to me.

‘I don’t know what I was doing. I haven’t slept for two nights. I think I went a little crazy. I never did anything like this before. I never will again. Please,’ she whispers again, shrinking inside her hoody. ‘Take the socks. Take them back.’

‘Me?’

‘Please.’ She sounds desperate. At last, awkwardly, I take the socks from her.

‘Here.’ She’s scrabbling in her bag again and produces a fifty-dollar note. ‘Give this to the employees.’

‘You look quite … um … stressed,’ I venture. ‘Are you OK?’

Lois Kellerton raises her head and meets my eyes, and I’m suddenly reminded of a leopard I once saw in a Spanish zoo. That looked desperate, too.

‘Are you going to tell the police?’ she breathes, so quietly I can barely hear her. ‘Are you going to tell anyone?’

Oh God. Oh God. What do I do?

I put the socks in my bag, playing for time. I should tell the police. Of course I should. What difference does it make if she’s a movie star? She stole the socks and that’s a crime and I should perform a citizen’s arrest right now and march her off for justice.

But … I can’t. I just can’t. She looks so fragile. Like a moth or a paper flower. And after all, she’s giving the socks back, and she’s making a donation, and it sounds like she just had a moment of madness …

Lois Kellerton’s head is bowed. Her face is hidden inside the grey hood. She looks as though she’s waiting for an execution.

‘I won’t tell anyone,’ I say at last. ‘I promise. I’ll give the socks back and I won’t tell anyone.’

As I release my grip on her, her thin hand squeezes mine. Her dark glasses are already back on her face. She looks like an anonymous skinny girl in a hoody.

‘Thank you,’ she whispers. ‘Thank you. What’s your name?’

‘Becky,’ I reply eagerly. ‘Becky Bloomwood. I mean, Brandon. I was Bloomwood but I got married, so my name changed …’ Argh, stop gabbling. ‘Um, Becky,’ I finish lamely. ‘My name is Becky.’

‘Thank you, Becky.’

And before I can say anything, she’s turned and gone.

About the Author

Sophie Kinsella is an international bestselling writer and former financial journalist. She is the author of many number one bestsellers, including the hugely popular Shopaholic series.

She has also written seven bestselling novels as Madeleine Wickham.

She lives in London with her husband and family.

Visit her website at www.sophiekinsella.co.uk

Visit sophiekinsella.co.uk the official website of

SOPHIE KINSELLA

Be the first to find out when there’s a new book coming, find updates from Sophie, news, videos, audio clips, downloads and some great prizes up for grabs.

Keep up to date with all the latest news on Sophie’s books, events and more with Sophie’s official e-mail newsletter.

You can also join Sophie on her official Facebook fan page or follow her on Twitter.

/SophieKinsellaOfficial

@KinsellaSophie

THE SHOPAHOLIC SERIES

Starring the unforgettable Becky Bloomwood

THE SECRET DREAMWORLD OF A SHOPAHOLIC (also published as Confessions of a Shopaholic)

Meet Becky – a journalist who spends all her time telling people how to manage money, and all her leisure time spending it. But the letters from her bank manager are getting harder to ignore. Can she ever escape this dream world, find true love … and regain the use of her credit card?

SHOPAHOLIC ABROAD

Becky’s life is peachy. Her balance is in the black – well, nearly – and now her boyfriend has asked her to move to New York with him. Can Becky keep the man and the clothes, when there’s so much temptation around every corner?

SHOPAHOLIC TIES THE KNOT

Becky finally has the perfect job, the perfect man and, at last, the perfect wedding. Or rather, weddings … How has Becky ended up with not one, but two big days?

SHOPAHOLIC & SISTER

Becky has received some incredible news. She has a long-lost sister! But how will she cope when she realises her sister is not a shopper … but a skinflint?

SHOPAHOLIC & BABY

Becky is pregnant! But being Becky, she decides to shop around – for a new, more expensive obstetrician, and unwittingly ends up employing Luke’s ex-girlfriend! How will Becky make it through the longest nine months of her life?

MINI SHOPAHOLIC

Times are hard, so Becky’s Cutting Back. She has the perfect idea: throw a budget-busting birthday party. But her daughter Minnie can turn the simplest event into chaos. Whose turn will it be to sit on the naughty step?

SHOPAHOLIC TO THE STARS

Becky is in Hollywood! And she has her heart set on a new career – she’s going to be a celebrity stylist. With her best friend Suze, she embarks on the Hollywood insider trail. But somehow, things aren’t quite working out as they hoped …

OTHER BOOKS

Sophie Kinsella’s hilarious, heart-warming standalone novels

CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET?

Certain she’s going to die in a plane crash, Emma blurts out her deepest, darkest secrets to the sexy stranger next to her. But it’s OK, because she’ll never have to see him again … will she?

THE UNDOMESTIC GODDESS

Samantha works all hours, has no home life and thrives on adrenalin. Then one day it all falls apart. She finds herself a new life as housekeeper in a country house. Will her old life ever catch up with her? And if it does, will she want it back?

REMEMBER ME?

What if you woke up and your life was perfect? Somehow Lexi’s life has fast-forwarded three years, and she has everything she’s ever wanted – the job, the house, the man. Or does she? What went on in those missing years, and can she cope when she finds out the truth?

TWENTIES GIRL

Lara has always had an overactive imagination. But even she finds it hard to believe when the ghost of her great aunt Sadie shows up, asking for her help. Is Lara losing her mind? Or could two girls from different times end up helping each other?

I’VE GOT YOUR NUMBER

Lara has always had an overactive imagination. But even she finds it hard to believe when the ghost of her great aunt Sadie shows up, asking for her help. Is Lara losing her mind? Or could two girls from different times end up helping each other?

WEDDING NIGHT

Lottie is determined to get married. And Ben seems perfect – they have history, he’s gorgeous and he’s willing to do it now. They’ll iron out their little differences later. All that’s left to do is seal the deal. But their families have different plans …

AVAILABLE AS A DIGITAL SHORT ONLY

SIX GEESE A-LAYING

Christmas is approaching, and Ginny is looking forward to the birth of her first baby. It’s a pity her partner Dan is so useless, and she has to keep reminding him where he’s going wrong. She’s enrolled into the most exclusive antenatal class going – and like the other five women in the class, Ginny already knows exactly how she’s going to handle motherhood. Or does she?

TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS

61–63 Uxbridge Road, London W5 5SA

www.transworldbooks.co.uk

Transworld is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com

First published in Great Britain Britain by Transworld Digital

an imprint of Transworld Publishers

Copyright © Sophie Kinsella 2014

Sophie Kinsella has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

This book is a work of fiction and, except in the case of historical fact, any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, is purely coincidental.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Version 1.0 Epub ISBN 9781473526013

This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.