RED, WHITE, AND LITTLE BLUE MEN FROM MARS

LIZ SHIPTON

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters, and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination.

RED, WHITE, AND LITTLE BLUE MEN FROM MARS

July 1, 2024.

Copyright © 2024 Liz Shipton

Written by Liz Shipton

Tyrannosaurus Yes Media

CONTENT WARNING

I’ll be honest, guys, this one is pure silliness.

I genuinely don’t know if it’s even sexy.

It’s mostly just silly.

It’s aliens, so obviously, there’s anal probing.

There’s also a big, silly, alien orgy.

CONTENTS

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

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CHAPTER 1

NADINE JOHNSON

“Y’KNOW, this was supposed to be my weekend off,” said Will Smith, as the camera tracked his military-issued combat boots through white salt and desert sand, “but nooo. You got me out here dragging your ass through the burning desert, with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute.”

The camera cut to a wide shot. Screen divided into thirds: white sand at the bottom, dry green mountains in the middle, cloudy desert sky above. At the middle of it all, Will Smith, tiny, dressed in fatigues, trudging through salt, dragging something wrapped in a bright orange parachute.

“You gotta come down here with an attitude, acting all big and bad,” he said, as the camera cut to a close-up again to reveal that he had stripped down to an army-green vest and put on some sunglasses—looking, no one would deny, like he was truly in his heyday. Sun shining off his brown biceps.

“And what the hell is that smell?!” he yelled.

Nadine paused the movie. Did Independence Day come before or after Men in Black? She couldn’t remember. Men in Black was certainly the superior film—definitely the one she’d rather be watching, except that it was the fourth of July, and watching Independence Day was tradition. Was there a holiday where it would make sense to watch Men in Black?

Probably not. She needed to pee, anyway.

“You going to the kitchen?” mumbled Bobby, as she hauled herself off the squeaky, stained couch and pulled her sweatpants out of her crotch.

“Bathroom.”

“Can you go to the kitchen?”

She turned around and eyed him. “You’re not drinking another beer.”

“Why not?”

Sighing and shaking her head, she tromped off to the kitchen. The house was warm and nearly dark. Smell of grilled meat and sound of neighborhood kids coming in the kitchen window from the street. Outside, the sky was pink and the earth was gray. The fridge hummed and its violent white light flooded the kitchen as she rooted around in it for another Coors. Kicking it closed, she tromped back across the cheap, chipped, cruddy formica to the living room, the floor sagging and squeaking under her as she went.

She handed the can to Bobby. “Last one.”

“Aw really?”

“You drank a whole twelve-pack.”

“We drank a whole twelve-pack.”

“I drank, like, four.”

He cracked open the beer and settled into the couch, bending one arm behind his head as he sipped. “Poor showing if you ask me.”

She went to the screen door and put her face against it. Mrs. Delaney’s younger kids were riding bikes around the block and her eldest was setting up something nefarious-looking in the middle of the street. Fireworks, probably; that kid was a menace. Problem was, way out here in the desert, no one cared what you did, so Nadine figured probably no one was ever gonna set that kid straight. Not that he was even a kid anymore. Twenty by now, or something like that?

Jesus, was she really getting to the age that twenty-year-olds were starting to look like kids? How fucking old was she? Thirty-five. No—thirty-six.

She didn’t bother turning the light on in the bathroom. Stared between her slippered feet while she peed. Checking her appearance briefly in the mirror before she went back to the TV, she discovered that the oversized Whitesnake t-shirt she’d been wearing all day had an enormous barbecue sauce stain on the front from the ribs she and Bobby had grilled earlier.

About par for the course, honestly.

“How’d it go in there?” said Bobby, as she flopped back onto the couch next to him and swung her feet up into his lap. “Floodgates? Or just a dribble.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Gross.” Then, “Just a dribble.”

He nodded, sipping his beer, and belched.

“Nice,” she said.

She unpaused the movie and they watched Will Smith aggressively kicking the lump in the orange parachute, which was the body of the alien he’d dragged out of the spaceship he’d shot down earlier.

“You wanna have sex or something?” said Bobby. He drained the Coors, crumpled up the can, and flung it across the room.

Nadine farted. “I’m pretty bloated. I’ll do you a handjob if you want.”

“Nah.” Bobby shrugged, yawning, and shifted her feet so he could lay down on the couch too, top and tails. “I don’t really feel like getting jerked off right now.”

They went back to the movie. In the back of her mind, Nadine vaguely wondered how it had come to this: drinking twelve beers and then spending the night farting on each other and inquiring about the velocity of their urinary events while they watched the same terrible movie they’d seen a thousand times already. They used to have sex. All kinds of crazy sex.

These days, sex was pretty functional. Bobby’s dick got hard in the morning. Sometimes Nadine stumbled on something sexy online that got her going, or accidentally checked out something saucy from the library (who would have guessed that a book with cartoon hockey players on the cover would turn out to be so filthy?) but that was about it. The act itself was straightforward—a box of dildos, blindfolds, vibrators, nipple clamps, pumps, lubes, and butt plugs had sat unused in a corner of the closet for years.

There was no excuse for it, really. They didn’t even have kids. Neither of them was particularly unattractive. (Neither was any kind of super model either, but they were both in reasonable shape, apart from the beer bellies.) There was no reason for their sexual apathy except that they’d been together fifteen years and the novelty had worn off. Nadine wasn’t even that bothered about it, to be honest. Weirdly, what bothered her more was that Bobby didn’t seem bothered about it either.

She half-watched the movie through drowsy eyes. Will Smith scampered around the United States, pew-pewing aliens and delivering witty one-liners while the White people hustled out of the White House and onto Air Force One, and then the aliens opened fire. Absolute mayhem. Big, fluffy orange explosions like ice cream sundaes. Buildings blowing up, cars flying everywhere. People running and screaming. And finally, as one poor, lonely helicopter lifted off, far too late to save anyone on board, a beam of green light went right into the White House.

Kabluey.

The living room flooded with blinding white light. So intense, so sudden, and so painful that Nadine’s eyes burned and she had to close them, and even then, the light kept coming through her eyelids and she had to throw both arms over her face.

“What the fuck is that?” said Bobby.

Rolling over, Nadine got up on her knees and, with one arm still over her face, squinted over the back of the couch out of the window behind them. The whole street was lit up like an atom bomb had gone off. Like a thousand cops were surrounding the neighborhood with their floodlights on. With her eyes streaming, Nadine scrambled over the back of the couch and stumbled outside barefoot.

Mrs. Delaney’s nightmare child stood in the middle of the street with his head tipped back, staring open-mouthed up at the sky like the idiot ex-president staring straight into the sun during a solar eclipse. Up and down the block, doors were opening and people were creeping out of them, squinting into the sky.

Something big and round and black, with lots of little multicolored lights pinging around the bottom of it was obscuring a massive chunk of that sky. Nadine stared at it the way one might stare at a mannequin that had suddenly come to life in an abandoned shopping mall: in disbelief. Not comprehending. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice was telling her, That is a flying saucer, and other, much louder parts of her brain were yelling back, NO IT ISN’T SHUT UP, and the combined effect of those two opposing forces was enough to render her completely paralyzed. She stood on her porch staring stupidly up into the sky.

She heard the screen door bang open behind her, and then Bobby said, “Holy fucking shit-Christ is that a flying saucer?!”

“No,” said Nadine, automatically, not moving.

Then, as if the thing in the sky had heard her and taken offense to her evaluation of its existence, a hatch in the bottom opened and a speaker emerged. It clicked on and static shrieked down the street. Nadine clapped her hands over her ears and kept them firmly held there as a horrendous, strangled gargling came out of the speaker—some kind of announcement in a strange, unintelligible language. It sounded like a forty-year smoker making a toast at a wedding during a heart attack.

“What is it saying?” said Bobby. Nadine, with her hands still clamped over her ears, just shook her head. Bobby stepped past her and down the two steps of the porch onto the scraggly brown grass of what passed for their front yard. He put his arm over his face and stared straight up at the thing in the sky as three more hatches opened in the bottom of it, and three beams of light came out of them. The first landed in a halo around Mrs. Delaney’s eldest in the middle of the street, the second on an elderly woman from two doors down, and the third fell around Bobby.

And then, to Nadine’s horror, Bobby’s feet lifted off the ground.

Without thinking, Nadine leapt off the porch and grabbed him around the waist as he was sucked up into the sky.

CHAPTER 2

ALPHAREX APHIDOSKY

CAPTAIN ALPHAREX APHIDOSKY tapped the screen of the vid feed with one long, blue, suction-cup-tipped finger and frowned. The picture had gone all wibbly again. Cheap, shitty screen technology; always breaking. Sighing, they sat back in their chair and drummed their six fingers against the console. Then they leaned forward and flipped the ship’s internal audio switch to On.

“Quintar? Are you anywhere near the bridge?”

The ship’s Number Two crackled back down the line. “Sure am, Captain.”

“The vid-feed’s gone all wibbly again.”

There was a long pause. Then, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”

Alpharex extended one long, blue finger and delicately tapped the vid feed’s On/Off switch. They gave it a moment, then tapped it again. The vid feed came back on—wavy blue lines gone. They flipped the audio switch again.

“That did it.”

Leaning forward, they studied the screen. Below the ship, the terrain of this new planet—some shithole on the outskirts of nowhere called Earth or something—was dry and brown and seemed to go on forever. According to Headquarters, this place had the largest deposit of Boborygmans this side of the Jargon Nebula, which seemed crazy to Alpharex, because it looked like a total dump.

They switched the feed over to check out Bay Four of the ship’s research deck, where the three specimens they’d just extracted had been deposited out of the ship’s tractor beams and lay unconscious in the holding tank. Alpharex’s brow furrowed. Four. There were four specimens, not three. One of the tractor beams had somehow picked up two at once. They tapped the screen to enhance the image and zoomed in. Looked like a—what were they called?—a male and a female. Alpharex shook their head.

Two separate genders. What a ridiculous notion.

“Scot?” They flipped the audio switch again. “How’s it going down there in research?”

Scot’s bright, chipper brogue came back down the line. “All fine, Captain. Looks like we picked up a wee one too many but nothin we cannae handle.”

“Great. Get them prepped and let’s start the introspection.”

As Zarlando said this, the extra female they’d picked up stirred in the holding tank. Alpharex’s eyes snapped back to the vid feed as she opened her eyes very suddenly and sat up. She looked around, screamed, and shook her male partner awake. They rolled to their feet as Scotlax and the rest of the crew in research ran to the outside door of the holding tank and began frantically jabbing at the button to get it open.

“Get them controlled!” said Alpharex, as the door slid open and Scotlax and two others ran into the tank.

“Workin on it Captain.”

Alpharex watched as the female spun around to intercept Scot. She was surprisingly fast—somehow, she got hold of Scot’s stun gun, yanked it out of the holster, and raised it as Scot tried to grab her. Scot put up two long, blue, six-fingered hands and took a step back. The other two research crew members did the same as the woman swung the stun gun wildly around the holding tank. She was yelling something in her whiny, high-pitched, unintelligible language. Next to her, the male put one hand on her arm and lifted the other in the universal, Take it easy, guys, gesture. He appeared to be trying to talk to Scot, which was obviously useless as Scot couldn’t understand a word he was saying.

Alpharex had to smile. They were certainly intriguing, this pair. The female appeared to be all piss and vinegar, and the male was trying to negotiate. Cute.

They flipped the audio switch again. “On second thought, Scot, give them a minute.”

Alpharex saw Scot on the vid feed falter and look up at the camera on the ceiling. They touched behind their ear. “Sorry, Captain?”

“I’m curious to see how this plays out. Let’s see what they do.”

At that moment, the female raised the stun gun and fired it into the ceiling, and as Scot and the other two crew members flinched, she and the male bolted for the door.

“Let them go,” said Alpharex, and they flipped the vid feed to the camera out in the hall to track the humans as they ran. The shape of their bodies and the way they moved was not too dissimilar to Alpharex’s species. Two legs, two arms. Check, check. One head; great. Two eyes. Only the female had breasts. She had dark brown skin and kinky black hair, while the male was pale, with hair that was straw-yellow. Alpharex wondered if all males and females were colored this way, and flipped the vid feed back to the holding tank to check out the other two specimens: an older female and a younger male. Both were pale, and the female had hair that was nearly white. Alpharex supposed the coloring must be related to something other than biological sex.

They flipped the vid channel back and watched the two conscious humans run down the hall and turn left at the end. Like they knew where they were going. Like they could actually get off this ship.

Adorable.

This species was supposed to be intelligent. So far, Alpharex had seen little evidence of this.

The humans came to a dead end at the end of the corridor and stopped. Alpharex watched them conferring in their strange language, and then the female pointed at something that wasn’t a door and tried to open it. Alpharex leaned forward and flipped the audio switch.

“Alright, Scot, you can immobilize them.”

Scot and the two guards from research rounded the corner with stun guns lifted. They fired two shots and the humans dropped. Scot touched behind their ear as the guards holstered their guns and began hefting the two limp bodies back down the corridor.

“Got em, Captain. Taking them to the lab to prep for introspection.”

“Great.”

Alpharex sat back in their chair and rubbed their hands together. Watching the introspection was their favorite part.

CHAPTER 3

BOBBY JOHNSON

BOBBY WAS HAVING the most amazing dream. He’d never had a finger in his ass before, but he was pretty sure one was in there now.

Which was weird, considering he and Nadine had never done anything like that, and he’d never even told her about his secret fetish to have things put in his butt.

“Baby, what’re you doing?” he mumbled. The words were muffled by dirt and grass. He was lying face down in a field with his pants around his ankles, a cool breeze tickling the hair on his taint and the sun warming his backside.

“Oh nothin’ baby,” Nadine cooed, and he felt her slip her finger out of his ass and in again. He shifted and tried to look around at her, but the world was kind of spinny and everything seemed to be vaguely purple. He could hear a bird chirping somewhere.

“I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing,” he mumbled. Nadine didn’t respond. “Babe?” he said. He lay still, and a moment later he felt something much bigger than a finger pushing up against his ass. His eyes went wide.

“What is that?”

He craned his neck to look at her again and was shocked to see her wielding a massive cock, kneeling behind him and pushing it up against his entrance. It was cold, somehow, and very hard. Suddenly, he felt pretty scared, because despite all his fantasizing about having Nadine stick things up his butt, he’d never fantasized about anything that big going in there.

“Baby, wait—” he said, but it was too late. With a malicious grin, Nadine slammed into him and he uttered a gasp that turned into a groan because as new and different crazy as it felt, it also felt really fucking good. He gripped the dirt below him with his fingers and said, “Ah shit—”

—and woke up.

He was still face down. Still had his face smashed against something, only now, whatever he was lying on was cold and hard. That bird was still chirping, except it wasn’t a bird, it was some kind of mechanical beeping. His head was swimming as his eyes barely struggled open, and when he tried to move he found his wrists and ankles were bound. He could feel cool air against his ass.

And something was still inside it.

Something big. Stretching him and filling him

His cock was rock hard, pinned painfully between his hips and the metal slab he was strapped to, and already leaking a puddle of precum that he could feel sliding around underneath him, getting all over his stomach and balls.

“Fuck,” he moaned, and writhed, grinding his cock against the cold slab as the thing went into him again, all the way in, massaging his prostate so that his eyes rolled back in his head. When they opened again he became aware that a group of people were standing around him, watching. Or…not people. Blue people. Tall, spindly, bald-headed blue people with big shiny black eyes. They all appeared to be naked, and Bobby could see that their bodies were actually not too different from his own—except that they were taller and lankier, and except that they appeared to have dicks and boobs. He blinked. That couldn’t be right.

No, that was definitely right. Dicks and boobs. Some kind of Left Hand of Darkness situation. And all the dicks were pointing right at him. Some of the guys were holding clipboards. Some just stared at him with rapt attention. One of them was typing something into a computer or something.

The thing went into him again and he forgot about the little buy guys. He shoved his ass up to meet it, to get it deeper, looking over his shoulder to see just what it was that was sending him into this near-demented state of bliss. He almost came at the sight of a big, silver dildo-looking thing on the end of a metal arm disappearing between his ass cheeks. He felt absolutely filthy. Shameless. He was desperate to stroke his cock, to relieve the pressure in his balls, but he couldn’t. He just had to lay there, strapped down and moaning into the table while an insanely slow and excruciatingly good orgasm built and built.

“Fuck’s sake,” he gasped as the thing pulled all the way out, and he heard beeping and whirring while it did some kind of mechanical nonsense behind him. He guessed by the way all the blue guys started scribbling on their clipboards that they were running some kind of test, and that the pleasure he was experiencing was just a side-effect, but goddamn he really fucking wanted that thing back inside him. He didn’t know what was happening to him. He panted and pressed his hot cheek to the cold metal slab and waved his ass around and whimpered like a horny little slut while the blue guys spent a frustratingly long time recalibrating the mechanism and muttering to each other in their weird, indecipherable language.

Finally, one of them nodded to the guy behind the computer, and the long, thick, metal shaft finally went back in him, and poor Bobby was so worked up he couldn’t hold out for more than two or three strokes before he was spewing unhinged nonsense and thrashing around on the table.

“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh my god, I’m gonna come, Ah Jesus!”

He convulsed, and his ass began to twitch around the machine as the muscles deep inside him pumped an orgasm from the bottom of his feet right up through his spine and out the top of his head. His dick jerked and spasmed. He was just coherent enough to realize that nothing was coming out of it, but he didn’t give a shit about that when what was going on inside him was so mind-blowingly good.

He shook and shuddered and moaned into the table as the most intense orgasm of his life ripped through him, and by the time it was done it had wrung everything out of him and he collapsed back into unconsciousness, sated and exhausted.

NADINE JOHNSON

Nadine woke up with a sore ass and was immediately annoyed.

She was face down on some kind of cold, hard slab. She knew without looking that she was pantsless because she could feel cool air against her ass cheeks. She tried to move and couldn’t—something painfully tight was strapped around each wrist and ankle, spread-eagling her on the slab.

A carousel of images flickered through her head like some weird sci-fi movie. They’d been watching Independence Day. White light came through the window. Bobby started flying. She’d grabbed him round the waist. Woken up somewhere crazy. Little blue fucking men.

Little blue fucking men.

Turning her face sideways she could see Bobby on the other side of the room, strapped to a metal table, face down and also pantsless. She tried to crane her neck to see more of the room but could only make out enough to get the impression of some kind of lab. White walls, metal shelves full of equipment. It was dim, and empty; most of the lights were off and she and Bobby were the only people in the room. Something was beeping.

She looked up at her wrists and jimmied them against the restraints. Plastic or something, bolted to the table. The left one was rock solid, but the right one seemed a little loose. She pulled her hand against it and felt it move.

“Motherfuckers,” she growled, and started tugging and twisting her hand methodically against the thing. After about five minutes, her wrist was red and raw, but the restraint was starting to shake loose from the table. Some of the bolts were loose. She kept going until, suddenly, the whole thing came free and the restraint dangled around her wrist like a chunky plastic bracelet.

“Haha!”

She used her free hand to go to feel around on the other restraint and found a button on the side that clicked it open. Sitting up on her knees, she turned around to look at her bound ankles and found the restraints to be the same. She clicked them open and hopped off the table. The floor was freezing under her bare feet, and the air in the lab was chilly. She was still pantsless, but a cursory glance around the lab told her those pants were nowhere to be seen. No matter—they were shitty old sweatpants anyway, and she wasn’t going to worry about being pantsless when she had much larger fish, like waking up on a fucking alien spaceship, to fry.

And not only had she woken up on an alien spaceship, she was pretty sure those motherfuckers had done something to her butthole.

She padded swiftly across the lab on bare feet and shook Bobby by the shoulders.

“Bobby! Baby, wake up!”

Bobby stirred and began to mumble as she worked on getting his wrist restraints open. He was groggy and incoherent, mumbling something she couldn’t make out into the table.

“Stay quiet,” she said. “We need to get up and get out of here. Can you walk?” She finished opening the last restraint and helped him sit up.

“What’s happening?” he slurred. “Where are we?”

“We’re on a spaceship, babe. I think we got beamed up. We need to figure out how to get out of here.”

Bobby blinked and frowned and looked around the lab. “What is this?”

“I don’t know. Some kind of lab. Come on, stand up, we gotta go.” She helped him to his feet. He stood swaying and blinking and looking like Winnie the Pooh in just a t-shirt and nothing else.

“What do they want?” he said.

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I think they did something to us.” She turned and scanned for a door. “I think they did something to my ass. It’s fucking sore.”

“Yeah…” Bobby rubbed his backside and frowned thoughtfully. “Yeah, I think they did.”

Nadine ran to a shelf on the other side of the room and started rifling through boxes of lab equipment. She was looking for a weapon. A knife or something. Hypodermic needle. Something sharp. Something she could wield. Bobby was still standing by the table he’d woken up on, looking around thoughtfully. His eye fell on the machine next to the table—a big computer with a long, articulating arm sticking out of the top and a silver dildo-looking thing attached to the end of the arm. He walked over to it and started examining it.

“Bobby!” Nadine hissed. “What the fuck are you doing? Come over here and pick up a needle or something. We need to go!”

“Right…” Bobby said over his shoulder. “Yeah.”

“Fuck’s sake Bobby!”

“Sorry.” He shook his head and turned away from the machine, but she noticed he looked back over his shoulder at it as he came across the room to her. He accepted the handful of syringes she shoved at him and frowned at them. “What’s in these?”

“Who cares?! They’re fucking sharp. Just jab em with the pointy end.” Nadine went to the door and put her face to a small round window in it. “There’s no one out there,” she whispered.

“Seems weird they don’t have guards or anything,” said Bobby, putting his face to the glass next to her.

Nadine agreed, but she wasn’t about to start worrying about that now. “They don’t think we’re a threat,” she said. “I bet they came here to do sick experiments on us. They don’t even think of us as worthwhile living things, we’re just specimens to them.”

Maybe they had cameras or something. Maybe they were watching. She couldn’t let that stop her. They just needed to find a way out. She put her hand on the handle and turned to Bobby.

“Ready?”

He nodded, shrugging, and glanced at the dildo machine again. “I guess.”

She pushed open the door and they slunk into the hall. It was darker than the lab, with circles of dim light falling at six feet intervals on the floor all the way down. As they stole down it, Nadine could see that each circle was light from a window in a door, each door leading to a lab similar to the one she’d woken up in. At the third door, she glanced through the window and her heart jumped. Mrs. Delaney’s eldest was face down on a slab, and the little old lady from down the block was face down on a slab across the room.

Bobby put his face to the window next to her. “Should we try to get them out?”

“Yeah, but we should find the way out first. We can get to the escape pods or something and then come back for them.”

“You think we’re going to find escape pods? Does that kind of thing actually exist? This isn’t a movie.”

“There will be escape pods,” she said firmly, more to convince herself than anything.

“What if there aren’t?”

“I can’t think about that right now. We just have to get out. They put stuff up our butts! Who knows what else they might do?”

“Yeah…” Bobby’s face went kind of distant again and he looked almost wistfully through the round window at the machine in the lab. “Who knows…”

“Can you focus?” Nadine slapped the side of his head. “What is going on with you?”

“Sorry.” He nodded, turning away from the window. “Right. Gotta get out.”

They ran to the end of the corridor and turned right, then to the end of that one and turned right again. Then left. Then right.

“Where are we going?” Bobby panted.

“I don’t know!” Nadine snapped back. “Just keep your eye out for stuff that looks like escape pods!”

“What the fuck does that look like?”

“I don’t know!”

They turned another corner and found them. Unmistakable—at least, that’s what Nadine thought. A whole corridor lined with big, round metal airlock doors. Each door had a spacesuit hanging next to it, and through a tiny slit in the nearest door, Nadine could see the cockpit of a tiny spaceship. The spacesuits were way too big for either Bobby or Nadine to fit into, with extra long legs and arms, and six-fingered gloves. Nadine stood in front of the door and chewed her cheek.

“There must be a way to open it…”

Bobby was fingering one of the suits. “What do you think they want with us?”

“Who cares?” She located a small, red button on the right side of the door and pressed it. The door hissed open and a draft of chilly air came out of it. “Yes! Holy shit, babe, we’re doing it. We’re almost out.”

To her surprise, Bobby threw an arm across her chest as she stepped across the threshold to climb into the pod.

“Woah, just…hold on. Just wait a second. Are we sure we want to get in this thing?”

She stared at him. “Are you crazy? Of course we do!”

“I don’t know, I mean—”

“They put things up our butts, babe!”

His face went bright red. “Right. Yeah, I know—”

“Okay, then get in the fucking escape pod!”

He dropped his arm and stepped back, mumbling. “I just think, you know, we don’t even know how to operate it…”

“Well we’re better off taking our chances out there than staying here!”

“I—guess? Yeah, no. Of course. I mean—”

“Do you want to get anally probed again?”

“What?” He looked away and started stammering at the floor. “No! Obviously—obviously not. Why would you even ask me that? Of course I don’t wanna get anally probed again. That would be insane. Do I look like I want to get things put up my butt? Why would I want that? That would be crazy. Do I look like that’s the kind of thing I enjoy?”

She narrowed her eyes and watched him blushing and looking all around the corridor, not meeting her gaze. “You’re being weird. Why are you being weird?”

“I’m not being weird,” he said, defensively, “you’re being weird.”

“How am I being weird?”

“You’re just gonna jump in this tiny-ass spaceship that we don’t even know how to drive?”

“You’re the one who wants to hang around on this big-ass spaceship and get your butthole investigated again!”

His face went even redder. “I don’t! I told you, I just think—you know, like, we don’t know how to drive the escape pod—”

“Oh my god, we’ll figure it out!”

Bobby’s eyes cut over her shoulder and his face went white. Nadine turned to see one of those big blue fuckers coming down the corridor toward them. Its shiny bald head nearly brushed the ceiling, and its long arms hung casually at its sides. It wasn’t holding a gun or anything, but it was walking fast.

“God dammit!” she threw up her hands and turned to Bobby. “See? Now we’re fucking fucked.”

CHAPTER 4

ALPHAREX APHIDOSKY

IN THE TWENTY-THREE hours since the first introspection, Alpharex’s chief technical officer had had time to examine the Boborygmans they’d extracted from each specimen’s rectal cavity and determined two things: the Boborygman count from the male’s cavity was significantly higher than that of the female’s, and the language these creatures spoke was English, a variant of Human that was predominant in the planet’s northern hemisphere, as well as parts of the South and some islands in the equatorial region. Alpharex’s chief linguistics officer had programmed the crew’s translators, and as Alpharex approached the two humans in the corridor by the escape pods, they decided to give the new language a whirl.

“Hey there!” they began, as cheerfully as they could, attempting a wide smile that revealed three rows of tiny, black, needle-sharp teeth, “looks like you guys are trying to escape again.”

The female clenched her small, five-fingered hands into little round balls and lifted them up in front of her face. “What do you want with us?” she demanded.

Alpharex halted, smiling pleasantly. There was no need to escalate the situation—extracting the valuable Boborygmans would be much easier for everyone if the humans were pliant and cooperative. Besides, HQ wanted the specimens back in mint condition, so they needed to be careful with them during transport.

“I mean you no harm,” said Alpharex, “I merely want to know where you’re planning to take that escape pod.”

The human glared. “Since when do you speak English?”

“Since about ten hours ago. May I ask what your plan is once you get out of the docking bay?”

“None of your business.” The human lowered her fists and turned back to the airlock. “Fuck off, we’re leaving. Bobby, let’s go.”

“I do hope you’ll reconsider this,” said Alpharex, as she climbed through the entry hatch into the escape pod, “navigating a small vessel through deep space for the length of time you’ll need to do so to get back to your planet is not easy.”

“I don’t care.” The human got into the pilot’s seat and started fiddling with the seatbelt, but her small, five-fingered hands were not equipped to manage the buckle. “You’re not doing anything else to our buttholes, you hear me?”

Alpharex tried not to let amusement creep onto their face as they watched her struggling with the seatbelt. Poor thing was clearly distressed.

“Right, Bobby?” The human was becoming frustrated with her inability to work the buckle. “Tell it we’re not standing for any more butthole investigations!”

Alpharex looked at the male, who until now had been standing quietly beside the airlock, staring at Alpharex’s boobs.

“Right…” said the male. “Yeah…no—no more butt stuff.”

It was clear from his tone and the distracted look on his face that his heart wasn’t in that statement. Alpharex narrowed their black, oval eyes and looked him up and down. There was something weirdly arousing about the way he was standing there with only the top half of his clothes on. Alpharex had never found themself aroused by nakedness before—after all, they and the rest of the crew (indeed, the rest of the species) were naked all the time—but somehow the human’s clothed top-half made the unclothed bottom half look…even more naked.

Alpharex’s eyes met the human’s and a spark seemed to jump between them. “What’s your name?” said Alpharex.

The human’s weirdly pale face went red and he looked at the ceiling. “Bobby.”

“Don’t talk to it!” snapped the female. “It’s trying to trick you!”

“Ah!” Alpharex smiled at Bobby. “So your name is Bobby. I see.” They looked at the female. “And what’s yours?”

“None of your business.” She had given up on the buckle and was trying to tie the seatbelt around her chest.

“It’s Nadine,” said Bobby.

“Bobby!”

Alpharex watched Nadine glaring at Bobby with a small smile. She was arousing too, in her own way. Feisty. They spread their hands and took a step back.

“Please understand that we want this experience to be as comfortable as possible for you both. We are a research vessel, and our guiding principle is to do no harm. We never want to damage the ecosystems we explore or cause undue stress to the specimens we extract.”

“Yeah, well you’re doing bang-up job so far,” spat Nadine. “I’d say I’m pretty unduly fucking stressed.”

“My apologies. What could we do to make this voyage more comfortable for you?”

“We’re not going on any voyage! We’re going back to Earth. Bobby, get in the escape pod.”

Alpharex put their arm across the entry hatch as Bobby tried to climb through. They braced their hand on the door jam and looked down into his eyes. “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. But I promise we will do everything in our power to make this a pleasant experience.”

“Where are you taking us?” demanded Nadine.

“To Headquarters on our home planet of Pokari.”

“Why?”

Alpharex looked over their shoulder at her. “Your cavities contain a valuable resource that may be crucial to the survival of our species.”

Nadine’s eyes narrowed. “Our cavities?”

“A nanoscopic organism called the Boborygman. Currently, we use it to power our ships and various other things, but our scientists recently discovered a new application that they think will be invaluable to our future.”

Nadine’s brow had furrowed in disbelief. “From our buttholes? The future of your species depends on stuff you’re planning to harvest from our buttholes?”

“Your cavities are not the only place in the universe that Boborygmans exist, but they are the places that we’ve found them to be most bountiful.”

Bobby was frowning. “And they’re organisms? Butthole organisms?”

“Small enough that it’s unlikely your primitive technology has detected them yet,” said Alpharex. “But our machines are able to extract them rather efficiently.”

Bobby’s face went red and he looked at the floor again. “Yeah,” he mumbled. “It was, um, very efficient.”

“And painless, I believe?” Alpharex watched him.

He cleared his throat and picked at the hem of his shirt. “Uh, yeah. No, yeah, painless.”

“My ass is sore,” said Nadine.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” said Alpharex. “During the next introspection I’ll have the lab tech size down the applicator on your machine.”

“There’s different sizes?” Bobby looked up.

“Yes. We have multiple sizes and shapes to accommodate any type of cavity.”

“Oh.” He nodded, swallowing. “So, like…in theory…not that, like—I’m not asking or anything, but like…there could be, you know, like a bigger one?”

“It wouldn’t be necessary in your case, but yes.”

Bobby nodded slowly, and seemed to become very interested in a chip of paint that was peeling off the edge of the airlock hatch. He picked at it with his fingernail as he said, “So, like…just out of curiosity—how many—you know, like how many times…would you guys need to do this? The introspection thing?”

Alpharex narrowed their eyes. “We’re still in the research phase. We don’t know yet if the supply of Boborygmans we can extract from your cavities is finite. If there does turn out to be an infinite supply in there, it’s entirely possible we’d want to extract them indefinitely.”

“Indefinitely.” Bobby’s eyes went a bit wide and he nodded again, still picking at the paint. “So like…once a day…? Twice? Maybe—maybe more?”

“It would depend on your compliance, I think,” said Alpharex. “We wouldn’t want to exhaust you.”

“Right.” Bobby picked off another chip of paint. “Hm.”

“Bobby, what the fuck are you getting at?” said Nadine.

He shrugged. “Just getting a ballpark. Just so I could be, like, mentally prepared, you know? If we decided to stay.”

“We’re not staying!” She started flipping switches on the escape pod’s navigation console, and Alpharex saw the check engine light come on immediately because she had no fucking idea what she was doing. The pod started to beep.

“Alright, stop!” They leaned through the entry hatch and covered the console with their big blue hands. “I’ve been extremely patient with you two, but I can see I need to make this clearer: you are not getting off this ship. We are taking you back to Pokari, and we will be performing at least one more introspection on you on the way. Now, we can either do that peacefully, with your cooperation, or we can do it by force.” They glared at Nadine. “So you can either get out of this escape pod and come with me back to the lab, or I can drag you out and strap you down again. What’s it going to be?”

Nadine glared back at him, and Alpharex felt Bobby poke his head under their arm.

“Come on, babe,” he said. “Let’s just go along with it. It’s not so bad. And it’s the future of their species! We could be saving a whole alien race!”

Nadine folded her arms and shook her head. “No way. I’m not letting them put anything up my butt.”

“Actually…” Alpharex stroked their very pointed blue chin. “We noticed during the last introspection that as the female of the species, you have two cavities. So we are rather eager to get a probe in the second hole and see if we can find any Boborygmans in there.”

Nadine’s eyes flicked up. “Wait, what?”

“If you think it might be more comfortable for you, we could do an introspection into the second cavity this time and see what happens.”

Nadine’s face was going as red as Bobby’s had. She flicked her eyes down and fiddled with the seatbelt buckle. “I don’t know. That sounds pretty freaky.”

“Yeah,” said Bobby, and Alpharex detected a distinctly eager note in his voice, “super freaky.”

Back in the lab, Alpharex and Quintar watched the new interns, Xerlax and Galantia, preparing the machines. Bobby had opted to stand this time, and was bent over the metal table with his forearms braced on it, looking over his shoulder as Xerlax positioned the probe at the entrance of his cavity.

“And that’s the bigger size, yeah?” he said. Xerlax shot Alpharex a look across the room.

“Yes,” said Alpharex. “It’s the biggest.”

“Great. Just wanna make sure you guys are getting, you know, maximum harvest.”

Alpharex eyed Bobby’s human sex organ, which had turned purple and was sticking straight out in front of him. The sight of it made both of Alpharex’s secondary sex organs swell.

Alpharex shifted a clipboard in front of their crotch to hide their erection. “Uh huh.”

On the other table, Nadine was lying on her back with her legs spread-eagled, looking nervous. “Are you sure it’s not gonna hurt?” she said, as Galantia aimed the introspection probe at her second cavity.

“It’s not gonna hurt, babe,” said Bobby.

Nadine shifted on the table. “Can I get a pillow or something? This table is cold as shit.”

“Can we bring something from the sleeping quarters?” said Alpharex. Quintar nodded and went out. Alpharex went to the end of the table and knelt down to look up Nadine’s second cavity, and was surprised to see it looked very similar to Alpharex’s own primary sex organ. Nadine slammed her legs together and glared.

“Hey! Don’t look up there!”

“Apologies.” Alpharex put up their hands and stood up. “I’m merely trying to get an idea of how it’s different from your primary cavity.”

“Well don’t!”

“Come on, babe, it’s for science,” said Bobby, and then made a surprised little grunt as the introspection probe went into him, and went quiet.

Nadine continued to glare at Alpharex. “It’s not the primary cavity, anyway. If anything, the one you’re putting the thing in now is the primary cavity.”

If Alpharex had had eyebrows, they would have lifted. “Is it? Interesting.”

Quintar returned with a pillow and blanket from the sleeping quarters and Alpharex arranged them under Nadine. Galantia moved the probe into position. “Ready?”

Nadine, who was sitting up on her elbows, looked from Galantia to Alpharex and back, and nodded. Galantia started the machine, and the probe slipped inside her. Both Nadine’s eyes and mouth turned into tiny little circles.

“Oh,” she said, and then her eyes snapped to Alpharex. “Oh okay.”

The probe began to go through its harvesting routine: sinking all the way into the cavity, rotating one-hundred-eighty degrees, retreating almost all the way out, rotating one-hundred-eighty degrees, and going back in again. As it did, Nadine’s eyebrows went higher and higher.

“So…does it keep doing that?” she said.

“The speed will increase as harvesting progresses,” said Galantia, tapping a few buttons on the side of the machine.

“It—goes faster?”

“Eventually.”

Nadine swallowed and lay back on the table, looking at the ceiling. “Okay,” she said. “I see.”

NADINE JOHNSON

Was it supposed to feel good?

Surely not, right? Having a metal probe clinically inserted and removed from her vagina was not sexy. She’d never gotten turned on by a pap smear. So why was she getting turned on by this weird alien machine?

Was it because the weird alien machine was weird and exciting and taboo and different?

Was it because the probe was exactly the right size and shape to fit perfectly inside her with just the right amount of length and girth to stretch her just the way she liked it?

Was it because getting turned on right now would be very naughty and she was a very bad girl for even thinking about it?

Or was it because a roomful of naked blue aliens with dicks and boobs were watching her, and she was pretty sure they were getting turned on too?

The one standing closest to her—that was the captain—was raking their dark, hungry eyes over her body as the probe went in and out of her, noting the way her nipples hardened, the way her skin was flushing, and the goosebumps beginning to prickle up and down her arms. They were trying to cover their massive erection with the clipboard they were holding, but Nadine could clearly see that they were getting aroused. They caught her looking and shifted to angle their body away and—

Hold up.

This alien had two dicks.

One on the front, where a regular human dick would go, and one on the back. How had she not noticed that before? She’d been pretty preoccupied with running away—hadn’t really been studying the anatomy of the things that were chasing her. But there it was: a dick on the front and a dick on the back, both rock hard and sticking straight out in opposite directions, like the alien had been impaled through the groin by some kind of Olympic dick javelin.

She looked around the room. All the aliens had two dicks. There were four of them watching: the captain, the one operating her machine, the one operating Bobby’s machine, and a fourth standing behind some kind of computer terminal in the corner, reading from the screen. Eight big, hard, blue dicks, all pointing in different directions. If she’d wanted to walk across the room it would have been like that scene in Entrapment where Catherine Zeta Jones has to slink around all the laser beams, but instead of laser beams, it was dicks.

She looked back at the captain, and as their eyes met, a surge of desire went through her. She spread her legs wider as the probe went into her again and moaned.

“The female is showing signs of sexual arousal,” said the one by the computer.

“Yes. I can see that.”

The captain walked slowly toward Nadine, holding her gaze with their black, heavy eyes, and the hair on her arms stood up. When they got to the edge of the table and the front dick was close enough to touch, Nadine reached out and took it in her hand and stroked it.

The alien made a low nose and pushed their hips toward her hand.

“Sexual arousal is increasing,” reported the one by the computer. “And…” They stopped and bent closer to the screen, squinting. “Captain! Boborygman count appears to be increasing too!”

“What does that mean?” said the captain through gritted teeth, still staring into Nadine’s eyes as Nadine took another pass all the way up and down their shaft.

“I think it means sexual arousal increases the output!” The one by the computer looked absolutely ecstatic. “We can harvest more Boborygmans by sexually arousing the humans!”

The captain cupped Nadine’s breast and circled its suction-cup-tipped thumb around her nipple, and Nadine tipped her head back and pushed her chest up, silently demanding more. Her skin was so tight that every featherlight circle was torture, and she was desperate to find out what that suction cup felt like.

“Well, I suppose if it’s for science…” said the captain, and sealed the suction cup around her nipple. Nadine cried out and arched higher. It was like a perfect little nipple-sized mouth tugging and sucking at her.

The captain groaned as Nadine squeezed tighter around their dick and pumped it faster. She reached behind them with her other hand and took hold of the back dick too, and as she started stroking that one the captain climbed up onto the table and straddled her with their knees.

“Filthy little human,” they growled. “You like how my dicks feel in your hands?”

“I’d like them better if they were in my pussy,” Nadine shot back.

The captain’s eyes sparked. They called over their shoulder to the alien operating Nadine’s machine, who was stroking both of its dicks while it watched with rapt attention.

“Move the probe to the other cavity. I’m going to fuck her.”

The other alien hopped to attention and started tapping away at the machine’s controls. Nadine uttered a little moan of disappointment as the probe slipped out of her, and the captain grinned.

“You want that back inside you?”

“Yes,” she moaned. She writhed and arched against the suction-cups that were still tugging and sucking at her nipples. She didn’t just want it back inside her, she needed it.

“You want my dick inside you too?”

“Yes.”

“You’re a greedy little human slut, aren’t you?” The captain scooted backward, pulling their dicks out of Nadine’s hands and pulling Nadine to her knees. They gripped her by the hips and turned her roughly around and pushed her down between the shoulders so she was on all fours with her cheek against the table and her ass in the air. She felt the captain shove their knees between her thighs and kneel between her legs, positioning one dick at the entrance of her pussy as the probe pushed against her asshole. Nadine had never done butt stuff before, but she was so horny she didn’t care as the captain gripped her hips and both things sank into her.

“Oh fucccck,” she moaned, and her eyes fluttered closed.

The captain growled their approval as they pulled out and sank in again, and Nadine uttered a gasp that turned into a deep, long groan of pleasure. She was so full, so stretched, so achingly tight. She reached between her legs to cup the captain’s balls and froze.

Wait, what the fuck.

There was a pussy there. This fucking alien had boobs, a dick on the front, a dick on the back, and a pussy in the middle. No balls.

Nadine had never been with someone who had a pussy before. But then again, she’d never been with someone who had two dicks before either. She’d also never had an alien space probe in her ass. And so far, all that was going fine.

So she figured what the hell, and sank two fingers in.

BOBBY JOHNSON

Watching Nadine face down on the table, getting fucked in both holes, while he was also getting pounded senseless by the extra-large probe of his own harvesting machine was almost too much for Bobby. He and Nadine had done some kinky things back in their early twenties, but never anything as hot as this.

“Boborygman levels still increasing!” called out the alien at the computer, who was enthusiastically jerking themself off with both hands—front and back—and looking like Christmas and their Birthday had come on the same day. “But the male’s count is a little low. I think we can get it higher—Galantia and Xerlax, can you do something?”

Bobby felt hands on his shoulders and someone pulled him upright from where he had been bent over the table. He moaned in frustration as the probe came out of his ass as he was turned around, but quickly realized that something even better was about to happen as the aliens who had been operating his and Nadine’s machines started rubbing their long, blue hands all over his chest and licking the side of his neck.

He closed his eyes and let it happen.

A moment later he felt something pushing against the end of his dick, and he opened his eyes and looked down. One of the aliens had bent over and was backing themself up on his cock, with its own backward-facing dick sticking straight up into the air. Bobby frowned and then gasped and then groaned as something hot and tight and wet slipped around his cock.

Wait a second. Was that a pussy?

He gripped the alien by the hips and pushed them away, and felt his cock slide out. It was wet with thick, blue slime. Bobby felt so weirdly aroused and repulsed and freaked out all at the same time that he just shoved his cock back into whatever hole it had come out of before he could think too hard about it. It was warm and slippery and so tight it made his balls ache, so he grit his teeth and started to fuck it.

The alien took hold of Bobby’s hand and guided it to the cock that was sticking straight out behind it, and Bobby had never stroked anyone else’s cock in his life but he grabbed that cock with both hands and started twisting and pumping it like his life depended on it.

While he and the first alien were going at it, the second alien bent over in front of the first and started to back up.

“Oh fuck yes,” Bobby moaned. The alien he was fucking started fucking the other one with its front cock, stroking the other alien’s back cock with one hand, and reaching around with its other hand to suck on the aliens boobs with its suction cup fingers. The one at the computer came and bent over too and started impaling itself on the second alien’s cock and jerking off its own front cock with both hands. It was like a ridiculous alien fuck-train; Bobby and three aliens, all it a row, fucking and sucking and pumping each other like they were going for the Olypmic gold medal in butthole harvesting.

“God that’s fucking hot,” he groaned, as the probe went into his ass again and his cock plunged into the hot, wet, blue pussy in front of him. “I’m gonna fucking come. I’m fucking coming. I’m coming. I’m coming.”

He pulled out as his asshole spasmed and his balls convulsed. He wanted to get it everywhere. The whole scene was so fucking bananas—he just wanted to embrace it. He swung his dick around as it began to spurt massive ropes of thick, white cum, aiming it at everything and nothing, just jizzing and jizzing. Like a gleeful little boy who’d just discovered what coming was and couldn’t wait to do it again and again and again. Everywhere. Forever.

CHAPTER 5

ALPHAREX APHIDOSKY

ALPHAREX TAPPED the computer’s output display with one long, suction-cup-tipped finger and sipped their coffee. The readout from yesterday’s Boborygman harvest was printing out on the screen, and the numbers were so astronomical that Alpharex was sure there must be a mistake. According to the readout, the humans’ sexual arousal had more than quadrupled the output.

Alpharex set down their Universe’s Best Spaceship Captain mug and opened the computer’s messaging interface to send a note to HQ about the successful harvest. Then they leaned back in the captain’s chair and put their feet up on the console. The ship was about three hundred thousand miles from Earth now, preparing to make the star-speed jump back to Pokari. Through the windshield, the universe stretched infinitely away into blackness, one bright orange sun and a few surrounding planets mere specks in the distance.

“Captain?” Quintar’s voice crackled through the intercom.

Alpharex leaned forward and flipped on the audio switch. “Yep?”

“We haven’t seen either of the humans from yesterday’s introspection session yet this morning. They’re still in the sleeping quarters you assigned them to last night. Xerlax is starting to worry something may have happened to them.”

“I’ll take a look,” said Alpharex, and flipped on the vid feed to check out the view from the camera that was mounted in the ceiling in the humans’ sleeping quarters. Alpharex had made good on their promise to make the voyage more comfortable for the humans and had given Nadine and Bobby a private shared cabin.

The feed came through blue and wibbly at first, and Alpharex sighed and turned it off and on again. When the picture came through clear next time, it showed Nadine and Bobby lying top-and-tails on the big double bed in the middle of the room, sucking each other’s sex organs. Nadine had her finger in Bobby’s—what did the humans call it? Butthole.

Alpharex smiled and flipped the audio switch again. “I think they’re doing just fine, Quintar. Let’s give them a little time before we bother them this morning.”

“Roger,” said Quintar. “We’ve set up a second harvest with the two other specimens we picked up from Earth—the old female and the younger male. So far it seems to be going well. You can monitor on the vid feed if you like—they’re in lab two.”

Alpharex changed the channel on the vid feed to take a look. In lab two, the old woman, the young male, and four of the crew were engaged in an enthusiastic orgy. The old woman in particular seemed to be thoroughly enjoying herself; she was simultaneously jerking off two of the crew at once while two probes vigorously pumped in and out of both holes.

“Fantastic,” said Alpharex, and sipped their coffee. “Let’s make sure we’re monitoring the output. If it’s anything like yesterday’s, we’ll be able to power half the planet for the next ten years.”

“Roger.”

Quintar clicked off and Alpharex went about preparing the ship for the star-speed jump. If Scot’s calculations were correct, they’d be back on Pokari in less than two light hours, and with the discoveries they’d made on this voyage, Alpharex was almost certain they’d be due a promotion—possibly even some kind of medal.

The computer beeped and a transmission came through on the messaging interface. It was from HQ.

> Great news about the increased Bobrygman output. However, please take care not to damage the specimens with too much vigorous activity. We are most interested in opening them up when we get them back here to see what else we may be able to harvest from them, and we need them in perfect condition to do so.

Alpharex frowned and re-read the message. Then composed a reply.

> What do you mean “open them up?”

> Cut into them and poke around. See what’s going on in there. Extract a few organs. If the output is that high inside their easily-accessed external cavities, we presume the levels inside must be much higher.

Alpharex stared, horrified, at the screen.

> But that will kill them.

> Yes, of course, but it will be no trouble going back for more if they do turn out to be as valuable as we predict. Earth seems to be teeming with the things. We’d be doing the whole ecosystem a favor by getting rid of some of them.

Alpharex’s stomach dropped. They sat back in the chair and stared through the windshield.

Kill Nadine and Bobby?

It was unthinkable. Alpharex couldn’t explain it, but it was like they’d become…attached to the humans. It was like they cared what happened to them. Which was ridiculous; Nadine and Bobby were specimens. They were no more than scientific curiosities. Alpharex flipped the vid feed back to the camera in the humans’ cabin and watched them joyfully performing oral sex acts on each other and fingering each others’ buttholes. So innocent. So happy. So blissfully ignorant of their impending demise.

The console beeped again and another message from HQ came through.

> Hello? Did you read that, Captain?

Alpharex shook themself and sighed. Slowly, they typed a response.

> It’s for the best, isn’t it? Harvesting what’s inside the humans? It will mean a brighter future for Pokari?

The response took a while to come through. When it did, Alpharex thought it sounded rather carefully worded.

> A new age of prosperity, yes. If you’re concerned about your position within the administration as we enter this new era, rest assured that your role in making this valuable discovery will not go unnoticed. We plan to compensate you substantially for your contributions and for your continued silence.

Alpharex frowned.

> My silence?

> There will be many on Pokari who won’t agree with our treatment of the human specimens. Bleeding heart liberals, alien rights activists—you know the type. We also anticipate that many won’t agree with how we plan to allocate the profits the Bobrygmans will generate for us.

Alpharex’s frown deepened.

> Profits? I thought this research trip was to aid in the advancement of a new scientific application of the resource?

> In a way, yes. But it’s not something you or your crew need to worry about. We don’t expect you to understand the complex economics of intergalactic trade. Nor do we expect the citizens of Pokari to understand it—which is why your silence about the issue is so important. And why we will be compensating you so generously for that silence.

Alpharex’s face paled. There was no new scientific application of Boborygmans. The CFOs at Headquarters were just looking for a way to increase their bottom line. They’d probably found some other planets who needed Bobrygmans to power their ships and supercomputers, and realized they could make a killing trading with them. And no way would the citizens of Pokari ever see a galactic cent of that profit. It would all go to lining the pockets of the top brass at Headquarters—and Alpharex’s own pockets, if they went along with this.

They closed the messaging interface in disgust and looked out of the window again, worrying their bottom lip with their front row of tiny, black, needle-sharp teeth. The ship’s intercom buzzed and Quintar’s voice came down the line.

“Captain? The humans are up and about. They’ve requested an audience with you. Shall I send them to the bridge?”

Alpharex’s stomach was twisting into knots. They’d never felt so conflicted about anything in the ten Pokari years they’d been alive. Sighing, they flipped the audio switch to reply.

“Sure. Send them in.”

NADINE JOHNSON

Nadine couldn’t remember the last time she and Bobby had been so relaxed and happy. They’d eaten a very nice meal and slept like logs in a beautifully-appointed cabin after the insane alien sex orgy in the lab yesterday, and woken up refreshed and ready for more. The revelation that both of them were not just into butt stuff, but like, really into butt stuff was exactly the kick in the pants their sex life had needed.

They walked hand in hand through the ship’s corridors, following Quintar toward the bridge. There was still the small matter of their abduction to discuss. As fun as yesterday had been, Nadine wasn’t about to just give in and accept that they were being dragged off to some random corner of the universe with no idea what would happen when they got there. This Captain Alpharex person seemed reasonable enough—Nadine was sure she and Bobby could at least talk to them and find out what the plan was once they got to this Pokari place, wherever it was.

Quintar stopped at a large sliding door, tapped a button beside it, and gestured into the room beyond as it hissed open. Nadine and Bobby stepped through to the ship’s bridge to find Alpharex sitting in the captain’s chair, looking slightly pale.

“Ah!” Alpharex attempted a bright smile. “There they are. I trust you slept well?”

Nadine sensed Bobby shrinking with embarrassment, but she returned Alpharex’s smile with one of her own and said, “Sure did.”

“The cabin was to your liking? The voyage is comfortable?”

“All very pleasant, thanks.”

“Splendid.” Alpharex hesitated, looking uncomfortable. “What—ah, what can I do for you, then?”

“Well, look.” Nadine let go of Bobby’s hand and put her hands on her hips. “I want to know just what all this is in aid of. What’s this all about? Where are you taking us? What’s going to happen to us when we get there?”

Alpharex shifted. “I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not for me to discuss the research mission with the specimens.”

Nadine narrowed her eyes. Something was different about the lanky blue captain today. They looked nervous. Sweaty, even. She watched them drop their gaze to the console and push a couple of buttons on it. “Kind of feels like there’s something you’re not telling us.”

Alpharex continued pushing buttons on the console as if they hadn’t heard her.

“We’re intelligent beings,” Nadine pressed, “and I think we have a right to know what’s going to happen to us.”

“I think—” Alpharex cleared their throat. “I fear you will be…less than thrilled to learn the specifics of what is planned for you once we reach Pokari.”

Nadine’s mouth fell open. “Oh my god, you’re gonna kill us. Aren’t you?” she demanded. “You’re taking us back there to kill us.”

The distraught look on Alpharex’s face confirmed everything Nadine was thinking.

“You son of a bitch!” she yelled.

“No, please—” Alpharex put up their hands. “Listen, it’s not me! I didn’t want to do it. Headquarters wants to open you up and see what else is inside you. I had no idea this was their plan!”

“All that stuff about making the voyage more comfortable!”

“I promise this has nothing to do with me—”

“Nothing to do with you? You’re driving the fucking ship!”

Alpharex looked like they were about to argue, then nodded and slumped in their chair. “You’re right. I am.”

“Well stop it!”

“I’m sorry. Truly. If I had known this was the end game…” Their voice turned bitter. “HQ lied to me—they told me the Boborygmans we would harvest from your cavities would be crucial to the survival of our species, but it turns out they’re crucial for nothing more than making the rich on my planet even richer.”

Nadine glared. “Including you.”

Alpharex sighed, looking miserable. “It was never my intention for this to happen. I’m a scientist, not a CEO.”

“Well fuck them, then!” Nadine stomped up to the captain’s chair, leaned over Alpharex, and started flipping switches on the console. “Turn this fucking thing around and take us back to Earth!”

Alpharex grabbed her hands and shoved them away from the controls as a red light came on and the ship lurched violently to the left. “Would you stop! I can’t just take you back to Earth—now that Headquarters knows where your planet is, they’ll be sending more ships to collect specimens. Taking you back there will only get you right back where you started.”

Bobby, who had been standing in silence, watching Alpharex and Nadine’s exchange like a cat watching a tennis match, said quietly, “We could just stay here.”

Nadine spun around and looked at him. “Stay here?”

“On the ship.” He shrugged, not meeting her eyes. “There’s, uh, plenty for us to…um…do.”

“But the ship is going back to Pokari,” said Nadine.

“It doesn’t have to.” Bobby looked at Alpharex. “Right? Couldn’t we just—not?”

Alpharex’s eyes narrowed. “You’re suggesting my crew and I abandon our home planet and become fugitives in deep space?”

“Well…yeah. I mean, no. I mean—” Bobby looked at Nadine. “Space is pretty big, right? There’s probably another planet somewhere we could live on.”

“That’s crazy.” Nadine hiked her thumb over her shoulder at Alpharex. “They’re never gonna agree to that. The whole crew would have to give up their homes and never see their families again.”

“Actually…” Alpharex’s voice was thoughtful. “On Pokari, we don’t have this concept of family. It’s a word I’ve only recently become aware of as I’ve been studying your human language. On Pokari, we procure a new sexual partner every year and produce a single offspring with them—but our offspring come into the universe fully formed and self-sufficient. We kick them out the front door on day one and they pretty much raise themselves.”

Nadine’s face had wrinkled incredulously. “Weird.”

“So if you’re worried about us missing our families…” Alpharex stroked their chin. “I’d say this crew is the closest thing any of us has to one of those.”

Nadine could see wheels turning behind the captain’s eyes. They were considering it. She watched their face and chose her next words carefully. “Seems like you’re pretty upset about being tricked by these Headquarters guys. You think the rest of the crew would be pissed about that too?”

Alpharex nodded slowly, still stroking their chin. “I believe they would, yes.”

“You think they’d be pretty mad about going back to Pokari if it meant supporting what Headquarters is planning to do?”

“I believe they might.”

Nadine hesitated. “And you think maybe they would be on board with Bobby’s idea?”

“It’s possible. Maybe not all of them—but most. I suppose any that weren’t could use the escape pods to leave the ship. Headquarters will almost certainly come after us when they find out what we’ve done, but as Bobby said—space is big. Infinitely so, in fact. There’s every chance they’d never catch up to us.”

Bobby spread his hands. “Great! What are we waiting for?”

“There is the small matter of fuel,” said Alpharex. They leveled a gaze at Bobby. “The Boborygmans we harvest from your cavities are how we power this ship. To set off on a voyage of indeterminate length—across the infinite chasm of space—will require a lot of fuel. We will need to do a lot of harvesting.”

Bobby’s grin only broadened. “Not a problem for me. Are we talking every day? Every hour? Hell, I’ll get in there and start harvesting my butthole right now. Surprised we’re not harvesting our buttholes already.”

Nadine held up one hand. Something else was niggling at her—something she couldn’t just pretend she wasn’t worried about. She met Alpharex’s eyes and could tell they were thinking about the same thing.

“Headquarters knows where Earth is,” said Alpharex. “They will go back for more of your species. If we leave, you will be abandoning your kind to almost certain death.”

Bobby’s face fell. The air became still and silent as they all looked at each other. Slowly, Nadine said, “Okay, well how about this? We go to Earth first. We make an announcement. Let people know what’s going on and offer anyone who wants to come a space on this ship. We won’t be able to take very many, but once we find a planet to land on, maybe we can go back a few times? Run rescue missions. Get people off Earth.”

Alpharex tilted their head. “The extra weight will require additional fuel. Any humans who agreed to come would also need to agree to be harvested.”

Nadine’s lips quirked. “So we make it very clear that what they are signing up for is an intergalactic road trip slash space orgy. Only those interested in freaky alien sex need apply.”

“Cosmic sex party.” Bobby was nodding eagerly. “Fucking our way across the universe. I’m literally already hard.”

“My crew certainly did enjoy your sex organs,” said Alpharex. “Some of them were rather disappointed that they didn’t get a chance to check them out. I think they’d be enthusiastic about getting more people involved.”

Nadine looked at Alpharex and felt a little thrill of excitement go through her. Less than seventy-two hours ago she’d been wasting away in her sweatpants on a squeaky old couch, wearing a t-shirt covered in barbecue sauce, bloated, farting all over her long-term partner, and lamenting the end of her sex life. Now she was about to embark on an intergalactic fuck fest with a crew of single-pussy-double-penised blue aliens and what was sure to be the horniest bunch of humans Earth had to offer. Things were looking up.

Alpharex held her gaze and grinned. “Sure about this?”

She took a breath and nodded. “Sure. Let’s get this freakshow on the road.”

They leaned forward to flip a switch on the ship’s console. “Scot? Set a course for Earth and have the crew gather in conference room B. I have a proposition I think you all will find quite enticing.”

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The world ain’t fair. And that ain’t his fault.

Maverick is a bounty hunter and a billionaire. He made his fortune as an angel investor in the tech space, but since losing his wife and kid in a tragic accident ten years ago he spends his days riding his Harley around the United States.

Chasing bad guys. Finding bad guys. Killing bad guys.

He doesn’t have anyone, and he doesn’t need anyone.

Until he meets Jennifer.

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THE THALASSIC SERIES

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What do you do with a drunken sailor when the world is underwater?

My name is Bird Howsley, and I’m a beautiful disaster. Okay, “beautiful” is probably being generous. But the “disaster” part is right.

In a brutal, dystopian waterworld, where survival depends on skill and smarts, I’m pretty much always one bad decision away from watching my life go completely down the drain.

Luckily, I have a lifeline: my cute, level-headed sailing teacher, Sargo Paz. Did I say cute? I didn’t mean cute. He’s just a friend. I definitely don’t have weird sex dreams about him.

Anyway, three days ago, I got a message from a dead guy. That’s odd, right? I had a plan to go find him, but it went pretty badly sideways, and Sargo and I ended up in the crosshairs of a very sketchy underground organization that now wants us dead.

We didn’t know what else to do except flee into the Salt. Now we’re stuck together on Sargo’s tiny sailboat, facing down pirates and harrowing seas, and things are getting, uh—tense between us.

Oh, and did I mention I’ve been blacking out? Like…a lot?

An Excerpt

I climb down the companionway to the galley, expecting to find Sargo making a cup of tea, but he isn’t there. I squint through the cabin to the bunk in the bow. He’s kneeling on it, facing away from me with his head down. I take a few steps closer and hear him breathing hard. A shaft of fear goes through me. Is he sick? If he’s sick, I don’t know how I’m going to sail Panga on my own.

Then I see what he’s doing, and freeze. My view of his hands is blocked by the angle of his body, but I know immediately by the sound. The rhythmic sound of his fist, beating against his hips. The ragged breaths he is trying to take quietly.

He’s jerking off.

My whole body ignites. I feel like I just stepped over the edge of the world and am free-falling into nothing. I should turn around and go back to the cockpit. I should pretend I haven’t seen this.

Instead, I take a step closer.

“Crack. That’s what this is.” - Goodreads Review

“Dystopian like I’ve never read.” - Amazon Review

“There is so much to love about this book! The characters are beautiful and broken. The setting is unique, dangerous, and fun…Seriously, if you haven’t read this book, read it now! It’s so good!”

Starr Z. Davies, award-winning dystopian author

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

PART-TIME AUTHOR 🪶⚓ FULL-TIME PIRATE.

HI! I’M LIZ. I’m a freelance writer, indie author, and full-time, off-grid, live-aboard sailor. I’m currently sailing around the world with my boyfriend and my dog, turning my real-life adventures into speculative fiction.

I feel incredibly grateful to be able to explore the world as I do, and I love incorporating the incredible experiences, beautiful places, and wonderful people I encounter on my travels into my work.

I also use my books as a means to explore themes of mental health, addiction, technology, climate change, and the looming collapse of society (but, like…in a fun way.)

When I’m not penning novels about the impending apocalypse, I work as a freelance content writer specializing in articles about code, music theory, and off-grid living. On the rare occasion I’m not writing, you can find me swimming, hiking, telling my dog I love her for the bazillionth time today, or watching Taskmaster.