jwood4105@gmail.com

This book is a work of fiction. References to real people, events, establishments, organizations, or locations are intended only to provide a sense of authenticity, and are used fictitiously. All other characters, dead or alive are a figment of my imagination and all incidents and dialogue, are drawn from the author’s mind's eye and are not to be interpreted as real.

All rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2014 Jettie Woodruff

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the author.

I have a gazillion people to thank for this book.

There are so many people that I am grateful for.

Kristen Switzer for all the tedious, mind-numbing things she does for me.

I <343424234 U from here to a Mill-i-on moons and back.

To my mama and my daddy. I love, love, love you <3

To my grown kids who I wish would really grow up this time, and to their adorable little offspring. I love you, Bristol and Dallas!

To my husband who gets leftovers and ignored from me more than anything in order for me to do this. Thanks partner.

To all the dirty girls!!!!

Best friends ever. Hands down.

Team J

I freaking love you!

My beta team!

You guys ROCK!

I <4564498 U

And to all the reviewers, the readers, the bloggers, the pimpers, the teaser makers, and the fans who keep reading.

Thank you!

You keep reading and I’ll keep writing.

Merry, Merry Christmas <3

Table of Contents

Prologue

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Drew

Morgan

Epilogue

Looking at Nicholas, I smiled the biggest smile ever. You would have thought we just bought our five-year-old son the Taj Mahal. Watching Nicky open a replica of the Tower Bridge in London was like watching his three-year-old brother open the SpongeBob racecar set. Both gifts got the exact same reaction. That’s how different our boys were. Nicholas could tell you everything there was to know about bridges around the world, and Tadpole could do the same with SpongeBob.

I sipped my hot cocoa and smiled at Drew. He smiled back and mouthed that he loved me. I responded with a small smile and looked away, back to Tadpole, sputtering like a racecar.

Before I get too far into this Christmas, I should go back a little and let you in on what we’ve been doing for the past few years. Nicholas just turned five as I write this. He’s something else, so smart, and I love him beyond belief. I wouldn’t want him any other way. Nicky is my little man, and I couldn’t imagine life without him in it.

Weston lost his given name before he turned one. Drew started calling him Tadpole when we couldn’t get him out of the water. Even our mailman called him Tadpole. The only person who used his given name was the receptionist at the pediatrician’s office, and me when I was mad at him.

Had someone told me two little boys, sharing the same genetic factor, could be so different, I wouldn’t have believed them. I would have called them liars.

I would love to write this and tell you our lives are candy canes and cupcakes, that everything has worked out like Christmas fudge. I can’t say that it has been easy, but I can say I wouldn’t change one second of it. Not one.

An Underestimated Christmas.

Sometimes you have to have the bad things in life in order to open your eyes to the good things you stopped paying attention to.

You would think that with everything Drew and I had been through in the past, it would be enough, that it was our time to be happy, and we were for the most part. Getting away from the city helped. Taking Drew out of the workforce did not. He had a hard time just being home. And although we were busy with two little boys, he missed it. As much as Drew loved being in flip-flops and shorts, searching for sea glass treasure, I think he missed the power of a suit more, and he still missed work.

This Christmas was the start of that downward spiral. Nicholas was three, Tadpole was sick, and mommy had a migraine. Our white tree glistened in front of the ocean view. Twinkling blue lights illuminated the room. Drew glared at me when I smacked Nicholas’s fingers for throwing a piece of ham across the table. I didn’t mean to smack him, especially in front of Drew. He and I disagreed on the whole discipline thing. Smacking his fingers was an unconscious reaction. I understood where Drew was coming from. I knew he didn’t want our children punished by physical contact. I got that. I was fine with that.

I had a problem with the nonexistent discipline.

Nicholas also spilled his chocolate milk all over my brand new white tablecloth that I had just bought for Christmas dinner. He threw a fit because Jason was in his chair at the table, and then he tipped his chair over. I was ready to make him go to his room for the rest of the evening. I was at my wits end with him and no matter how much I tried to tell myself to shut up and not ruin Christmas, it was growing harder and harder.

Between fighting with Tadpole’s ear infection, his fussiness, and Nicholas acting up, I was feeling one hell of a headache. Drew’s condescending look did nothing for my guilt. There was none. If he would get up and make him listen, maybe I wouldn’t be so stressed out with him.

Following me to the kitchen with a handful of plates, Drew cornered me against the sink.

“Don’t, Drew.”

“What’s up with you?” he asked with a hand to each side of me, blocking me from escaping.

“Nothing. I didn’t mean to smack him,” I said, trying to get away.

He stopped me with his arm and pinched my chin with a lift for me to look up at him. “Why do you do that, Morgan?” Drew whispered to my lips and then kissed me. “Sometimes I think you provoke me on purpose, like you want to be a bad girl.”

“And sometimes it has nothing to do with you at all. Not everything I do is about you.” I knew this was Drew’s way of telling me he wanted sex, not just any sex, he wanted Drew sex. Normally my lady parts would have been ecstatic about that, but not at the moment.

“Then what is it? Why are you so irritable?”

“I think it’s the pain.”

“Your head again?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. Let’s go clean up so we can open gifts with my parents. I’m ready to get this whole Christmas thing behind us.”

“You go lay down for a few minutes. I’ll clean up and then we’ll open gifts.”

“No, I’m fine. I’ll help.”

Drew spun me and walked me away with his hands on my arms. Some things never change. Drew wasn’t about to let me help. He walked me to our bedroom and closed the door. The cooler, darker room already made my head feel better.

“I’m only laying down for a few minutes,” I warned, not putting up too much of a fight.

“Fine, rest for a few minutes. Do you want me to get you a pain pill?”

“No, I don’t want to feel high when the boys open the gifts from my mom and Jason.” I couldn’t wait to see the look on Caroline’s face when she saw the easel and all the paints I bought her. She was turning into quite the little artist. Drew covered me with the soft quilt and kissed the L shaped scar on my head.

I closed my eyes and Drew left me when he heard Nicholas whining over something—again. I breathed a deep breath, hoping the new year calmed his three-year-old personality a bit. I didn’t think I could do another year like this one. If Tadpole were half as bad as Nicky, I would be on some serious nerve pills. I listened to Nicholas scream to the top of his tiny lungs over something and reached for a pain pill. I hated Christmas. It needed to be over with and everyone needed to go home.

Needless to say, things continued to be a little atrocious for Drew and me. The new year wasn’t magical the way it was supposed to be at all. It was hard as hell. We exchanged gifts with Celeste, Alicia and the kids on New Year’s Eve. And once again, Nicholas was the life of the party, and not in a good way. He was having a major meltdown because I had set Alicia and Celeste up in his room. You would have thought he would want to camp out in his daddy’s office with Vincent. He didn’t. He wanted no part of it. He went on and on about it—for hours.

“You better slow down a little,” Drew warned when I mixed Alicia and me another drink. I wasn’t slowing down. No way. I didn’t get to see Alicia as much as I would have liked to, and we had a plan. A plan to get good and drunk. We just wished our significant others would go away so we could vent about them.

“I’m fine. You know we’re going to have Nicholas between us tonight, don’t you?” I asked Drew, derailing an argument. We didn’t need to talk about how much I was drinking. It was irrelevant and I was getting drunk.

“He’s really upset about giving up his bed.”

“I know. And that is all you,” I nodded toward Tadpole calling out from his evening nap. He never cried, not unless he had a reason to. Thank god. I don’t think I could have handled two like Nicky.

“Slow down, and if he’s messy, you’re cleaning it. I did the last one.”

“You liar,” I argued with a kiss. Drew did everything he could to get out of the stinky diapers. Dirty diapers didn’t bother me like they did Drew, therefore he got out of it—a lot.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Celeste asked, taking Drew’s place in the kitchen.

“Sure, what’s up?” I asked, confused. She looked so serious.

“I was just wondering if you’ve talked to the doctor about Nicholas.”

“Talk to the doctor? What do you mean? He’s not sick.”

“No, I didn’t mean it that way. Like his behavior.”

“His behavior? He’s three, Celeste.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. So are you excited about Los Angeles?”

“Los Angeles?”

“Um, never mind. I’m just going to go back outside with my wife and quit shoving my foot in my mouth.”

“Oh no,” I countered, pulling on the back of Celeste’s red sweater. “Spill,” I demanded. She knew something I didn’t know. Something that had to do with me.

“No, it’s not my place to tell. Forget I said anything.”

“Celeste, you can’t do that. Tell me what you know.”

“I don’t know anything. All I know is Drew bought a jewelry store there.”

“You own a jewelry store there. Why would he do that?” I didn’t understand what she was saying.

“Not anymore. I’m trying to cut back on my traveling. Alicia is ready to kill me for being gone all the time and leaving her with the kids.”

“Drew bought a store from you?”

“Well, he bought it back. It’s the one in Beverly Hills that he owned before.”

“That’s great,” I sarcastically replied.

“Please don’t tell Drew I told you. I didn’t know you were kept in the dark.”

“When did he do this?”

“September, but we just finished the paperwork in November.”

“Oh, so my husband has been lying to me for four months.”

“God, I’m such an idiot. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. Here. Drink this.” I smiled, letting her off the hook with a shot of straight Tequila.

“What the hell are you doing, Morgan?” Drew asked, entering the kitchen at precisely the same moment I swallowed my shot. I poured another one, but Drew took it from my hand.

“Celeste?” Drew questioned, wanting to avoid drama in front of our guest. Drew was crazy if he thought I was about to listen to him nag me about drinking. Fat chance. Tadpole leaped from Drew’s arms to mine and I kissed his chubby little cheeks. Celeste handed me her shot glass and left the thick-aired room. I used her shot glass and poured another shot of tequila. Downing my shot with my son in my arms, I started to feel the effects. Good. That’s what I was going for. Although, I probably should have not taken the pain pill.

“What the hell are you doing?” Drew interrogated with grimaced eyebrows.

“I’m getting drunk with Alicia. You should go away with Celeste so we can talk about you.”

“Why do you want to do that?”

“Because, it’s what we do when you guys are not around. We bitch about our lives.”

“What’s wrong with your life?”

“Oh, you know. I have a three-year-old in there whining about something that you could go take care of, Tadpole is on his third bottle of antibiotics and his ear still hurts, oh, and my husband bought a fucking store in California,” I tossed in with a gritted-teeth whisper and a livid expression. Drew looked like I had just knocked the wind out of him. He wasn’t sure what to say.

“I was going to tell you, Morgan.”

“Yeah, after you did it.”

“I can’t sit around this house anymore. I need to do something.”

“Have fun,” I offered, taking the bottle and walking past him. Of course, he didn’t let me go. First, he took the bottle, and then he took Tadpole when I stumbled a bit. That was probably a smart move.

Drew towered over me with a stern look, the one that used to scare me at one time. “We’ll talk about this when we don’t have company. You’ve had enough.” I wasn’t scared this time. I was drunk and pissed off. Who buys a store in another state on the other side of the country without discussing it with their spouse? Drew fucking Kelley. That’s who.

I spun his shoulder with mine, glaring daggers as I passed. Alicia had peach schnapps on the deck. I would just drink hers.

Drew and I never spoke again. I engaged in conversation with Celeste, Alicia, Vincent, Christina, and my own boys, but not him. He stepped way out of bounds with this one and I wasn’t letting it go. I was pissed. Pissed and drunk. And I wasn’t moving to Los Angeles.

Celeste took care of putting her kids down for the night, and Drew took care of our boys. Nicholas ended up falling asleep in Drew’s arms on the couch. He was still going on about how he needed to sleep in his bed. Right up to the time when he finally conked out. That was where he was supposed to sleep, and he wasn’t about to drop it. Thank god my husband was a hands-on kind of dad. I would have lost my mind had he left me to deal with both boys. I hate to sound ungrateful, because I’m not. I love both of my boys to the moon and back. This was just one of those days I would have given them away for a dollar a piece. All three of them.

Alicia and I slurred drunk complaints about our lives to each other. I listened to her complain about Celeste never being home to help with anything, the mansion that she hated living in, Christina’s battle to get off the breast, and their lack of sex. She did the same with me, listening to me grumble about my own problems. Of course, my main complaint was how Drew could just go buy a store without telling me.

I lifted the covers to Nicholas’s neck and kissed his little head once Alicia and I were good and drunk, finally finished with our complaining. It was a new year, a new beginning, and seeing Nicky sleep so peaceful reminded me that I didn’t have it as bad as I made it seem. Drew was still a dick, though.

“Let’s have sex,” I suggested, closing the door behind me. Drew was in bed on his laptop, probably working on his stupid store.

“Let’s not. Let’s talk,” he countered while I continued to undress in front of him.

“I don’t want to talk. I want to fuck.”

“Stop talking like that. You’re drunk.”

“I know. That’s why I want to fuck. If we talk, I’m going to raise my voice.”

“If we fuck, you’re going to raise your voice.”

I laughed. “Good point. I still like my idea better,” I assured him, straddling his lap with my naked body. I didn’t give him time to reply. My tongue replaced his words and he responded. Kissing me long, deep, and possessive, Drew rolled me to my back.

“You taste like peaches.”

“See if my pussy tastes like peaches.”

“You have a very dirty mouth when you’re drunk. I sort of love it,” Drew admitted, moving down my body. My eyes closed at the same moment the moan escaped my lips. Drew took one long stride between my slit and assured me it didn’t taste like peaches. I didn’t reply with words. Instead, I spread myself more for him. Drunk sex was the best. Or not.

That didn’t last long. I was up and running to the bathroom before I ever got off, and there was no way I was going to recuperate enough to go back for more. I couldn’t. I was dying.

“You can’t do this to me, Morgan,” Drew rasped in my ear, pressing his erection into my ass. I moaned, but it wasn’t the, yes, give it to me, kind of moan. It was more of a don’t touch me moan.

“Drew, I can’t. I’m sick.”

“Just let me stick it in. I’ll move slowly,” he coaxed, stroking himself while pressing his erection between my legs. My clit responded with joy, but my stomach still said, no way in hell. Helping him out, I tilted my leg a little when I felt the head of his cock enter me. Drew took me from behind in slow motion, trying his best not to shake up the alcoholic contents in my stomach and send me back to the toilet. I had a very quiet don’t move orgasm at the exact same time I felt Drew deposit his warm substance inside me. His persistence made me extremely happy.

“Why do you think it’s okay to go buy something like a store without telling me?” I asked, moving from below him, snapping the intimacy between us like a tightly pulled rope. I walked to the bathroom, promising my stomach I would never drink again.

“You don’t need to worry about stuff like that.”

“Oh, you mean like, fuck you, I do what I want?”

“No, I don’t mean it like that. I mean like, let me be the man of the house and decide what’s best for my family.”

“What? Seriously? No, Drew. You don’t get to just decide what is best for our family.”

“Have I ever made a wrong decision for our future, not the past, but the future?” Drew asked. I swear he had no clue. He saw one way, his.

“What kind of question is that? You make the wrong decisions on a daily basis.”

“Like what?”

I knew the line I was about to cross was inevitable. I was pissed. “Like Nicholas. You think brushing everything he does off as he’s three is the right decision. Soon, it will be because he is four. Celeste asked me if we’ve said anything to the doctor about his behavior. How does that make you feel? Your child is out of control and you want to sweep it under the rug.”

“Fuck Celeste. Go ask her ten-year-old about the Brooklyn Bridge, my kid will tell hers how to build it. Her kid can tell you how to beat level ten in Halo.”

“She wasn’t saying he isn’t smart, Drew. She was saying she’s concerned about his behavior. Never mind. Go to sleep,” I said, knowing he wouldn’t shut up about the line I crossed regarding his parenting skills.

“I don’t need you or Celeste telling me what’s best for my son. Nicholas is fine. He’s fucking three for Christ sake. What do you want him to do, sit there all prim and proper like a choirboy?”

“No, Drew, I don’t want that. I don’t want him throwing bread across the table. He’s old enough to use a spoon, and not throw a tantrum about it.”

“He wasn’t throwing a tantrum about the spoon. He was upset because Alicia was in his chair at the table. He’s three and just like me. I don’t like change, either. I like my routine.”

“You’re so fucking ridiculous.”

“Oh my god, Morgan. What? What about that pissed you off?”

“You don’t like change? Did you really just say that? You go and buy a store across the country without so much as telling me you weren’t happy here, Drew? That’s change. That’s a major change. One you should have discussed with your wife.”

“I never said I wasn’t happy here, Morgan. I need to work. I need to feel like I am providing for my family.”

“I get that, Drew. I don’t get why you wouldn’t discuss it with me. You obviously discussed it with Celeste.”

Drew pulled me to him and kissed the back of my head. As much as I wanted to trust him and relax in his arms, I couldn’t do it. I was too angry with him. “I promise, it will be fine. And you’ll be closer to Alicia.”

“I’m not going with you. If you do this, you’re going alone,” I warned with my back to his front. I wasn’t going.

I knew making a decision like that wasn’t right of me. And I should have consulted with my wife. It was hasty, but unplanned. I didn’t purposely betray Morgan. Celeste and Alicia were visiting for the first long weekend of the summer. Celeste mentioned her decision to sell the store in Los Angeles and we ended up talking numbers the whole weekend. I tried to tell her it wasn’t the store, it had to be the people she had running it. That store had always been one of my top producers. It got my blood pumping just thinking about it.

We could move to Bel Air and I could run the store. One store wouldn’t require a substantial amount of traveling. I could come home from work every night like a man was supposed to. I thought if I bought a house close to the beach, Morgan would be okay with it. The house wasn’t planned, either. I was only planning to fill out the online requirements for the real estate agent. The fact that the house came on the market and I was getting exclusive first dibs kept me from discussing that one with her, too. The beach wasn’t right in the front yard, but it was within walking distance.

As much as I love routine and planning, I am still a businessman. I know a deal when I see one. It wasn’t my fault a deal came along at precisely that time. I knew Morgan would love the house. She just wasn’t going to love me for not speaking to her first. It seemed like all we did lately was fight. I felt like we needed a change, but in no way possible was I trying to be controlling or sneaky about it. Although I fought with control over Morgan daily, this was not a control thing. It just happened that way.

We spent the entire weekend glaring at each other, snapping, and getting mad over nothing. I hated it when she used Nicholas. In no way, shape, or form did I make a difference between my boys. It wasn’t my fault Nicholas was attached to my leg as soon as he woke up.

Maybe if she had more patience with him, he wouldn’t be so clingy with me. It wasn’t enough that we were already fighting over Nicholas, I had to go and add the house and the store. I knew she wouldn’t let me go alone. Morgan would always put up with my shit. I knew she would. She bitched about it sometimes, but in the end, I won. Not in all things. There were plenty of things she overruled me on that I understood after hearing her way of thinking. There were also things that I wasn’t willing to budge on, and she would do as I say. Like my boys. I will always have a say in what they do.

Morgan would always put up with me because we had a connection that wouldn’t stop. A passion that wildly pulled us together. We could be at it for the entire day, but shut it off as soon as the boys were asleep. Morgan and I had intense chemistry that I am sure wasn’t the norm. She went to bed mad at me all the time. That didn’t stop her from spreading her legs for me as soon as I touched her pussy. That weekend was no different than it had been for weeks.

I was pissed as hell at Celeste for opening her big mouth and ruining the entire weekend. Nicholas was being ridiculous over not having his bed and he wanted me. Morgan and I worked around what Nicholas wanted. It was just easier for her to take the responsibility of Tad and let me deal with Nicky. I could have him out of the bathtub by the time we argued with him about Mommy doing it. I wasn’t trying to play favorites. I played with Tadpole every day and I tucked him in and told him how much I loved him every night.

Morgan just saw things her way and that was it. I knew how to handle Nicholas. I knew that letting him tell me why he was acting the way he was rather than punishing him worked better. If he didn’t understand why he was having a meltdown over nothing, how was shoving him in a corner going to help? I know I babied him too much, but I also thought Morgan didn’t baby him enough. It seemed like all she ever did was stay on him about one thing or another. Like his blanket. He wasn’t hurting anyone by sleeping with that blanket. He only wanted it when he was tired. It wasn’t as if he carried it with him everywhere he went. Not really.

Morgan purposely pushed buttons the entire weekend Celeste and Alicia were there. Our New Year came in with a bang. Morgan started drinking around noon on New Year’s Eve. She and Alicia spent all afternoon in the kitchen, preparing food we wouldn’t eat, and drinking whatever they wanted to drink. Celeste and I talked business, and I gave her hell for telling Morgan what was not her place to tell.

“How the hell was I supposed to know you went out and made major decisions without her? You bought it months ago, Drew. Next time tell me when you hide things of that magnitude from your wife,” Celeste pled her case.

This was the part I hated about having a chick as a buddy. Her advice usually made sense because she had a vagina. A brother would have told me Morgan was overreacting and had no right to be pissed at me for deciding what was best for my family. Celeste had those hormones that didn’t think the way guys did.

As much as I loved Celeste and Alicia, I was never so glad for them to go home. Morgan didn’t drink like this when it was just me, her and our boys. I was so happy this would be the last day she would get this tipsy. I was even happier that Celeste would be taking her family and getting the hell out of my house. One more night.

Morgan was pissed again when it was after midnight, and I was still watching Covered Bridges around the world with Nicholas. She was drunk and very loose. I loved drunk Morgan in bed. Not so much before that. That drunk Morgan was a nag and said too much in front of guests. That pissed me off quicker than anything. She didn’t need to be spatting our business in front of Celeste and Alicia. Drunk Morgan in bed was just what I needed to express how displeased I was with her, let off some steam, and come in her mouth.

“If you’re not in here in five minutes, I’m going to sleep,” she threatened from the hall. The transparent black robe didn’t go unnoticed. I knew exactly what was under there. Nothing. I placed a finger over my lips, letting her know he was almost out. She turned and walked away with a groan and a puff of air. I salivated while staring after her ass, feeling my cock twitch just thinking about it.

Sliding Nicholas off my arm, I covered him with the blanket and joined my wife. Her lustful eyes watched me undress. My eyes bored into hers when I pulled the leather belt from the loops. Everything in me wanted to use it on her, make her bend over the bed and watch the red stripes appear on her ass—teach her a lesson. That’s not what I did, although Morgan felt my struggle as much as I did. The sick part was…she was fighting with herself, wanting me to do it as much as she didn’t. Did it happen? On occasion, not often, but once in a while.

If I went by months, it was well over due. It had been eight months since I had begged her to let me use the belt on her. I was angry with her for jerking Nicholas from my arms when he cried for an hour for his blanket. She couldn’t just decide one day that was it and take it from him like that. I was pissed at her for scaring him like she did. She knew how upset he got when one of us raised our voice. She held him in her arms and screamed at me to the top of her lungs. Nicholas was scared to death and I was pissed that she would fight like that in front of him.

I tossed the belt to the chair and watched her eyes follow. Walking to her, I released the erection from my jeans and moved to her mouth. “You like talking about our issues with people that don’t need to know?” I asked, touching her lips with the head of my cock. The chemistry between us when she looked up with those scared green eyes caused my cock to grow harder. The attraction between us had the same effect on Morgan. Her pussy was drenched. I was sure of it.

“What do you mean?” Morgan rasped in a tone that only solidified my hypothesis on a dangerous chemistry between my wife and me.

I held her head and pushed the head of my cock between her lips, but pulled back when she tried to take it all. “You know exactly what I am talking about. I’m talking about you telling Alicia about us fighting over Nicholas. That’s none of her business.”

“You’re mad over nothing, Drew. It’s what women do. She was bitching about the same thing. I was just looking for another opinion,” Morgan quietly said, moving her tablet to the night stand. I brushed the back of my finger down her cheek and to her throat.

Running my hand down her neck, I tightened my fingers, just a little, and thrust into her mouth. Jesus, I loved the way her lips fit around my cock. Holding the hair at the back of her neck, I forced her head, and I sank balls deep to the back of her throat. “Get on your knees,” I ordered, pulling her to the floor by her hair. Morgan obediently dropped to her knees and sucked me off. I stood with my hips thrust and my hands over my head, briefly, letting her have control while I hissed. Damn she felt good. I watched my cock slide in and out of her mouth and moaned.

Her soft hands caressed my balls while she took me to the back of her throat, over and over again, until I wanted the control. I made her get up and move back to the bed.

“Lay down,” I ordered, pulling her back to her feet by her hair. Not hard, not in a rough kind of way, just a controlling kind of way. Morgan laid on the bed and instantly spread her legs. I loved it when she did that. I loved the fact that her pussy was begging me to touch it. I smiled and closed her legs, moved to the other side of the bed, and stood over her with my dick in her mouth. Twisting her nipples between my fingers, I slid my hand down her ribs, her hips, her luscious ass, and up her thigh. I closed her legs again when I ran my hand up the inside of her leg.

Every time I got close to her pussy, she’d open her legs. I stared at the glistening between her legs, knowing how fucking wet her pussy was, and then closed them. I don’t know who I was torturing more, her or me. It was all I could do not to run my fingers up her slit and dip a couple fingers inside. Moving her hand from doing it was almost as much fun as me closing her legs. She was squirming, begging for contact. I would give it to her when I was ready to give it to her, although that was getting harder and harder. Every time I saw her opened lips, I fought the urge to touch her.

Having had enough, I moved to the other side told her to spread her legs and pulled her to me. I jerked myself, thrashing into her swollen clit with my head. Her hips bucked and her chest pushed out from the arching of her back. I loved Morgan in this positon, I loved Morgan in this state of mind, and I loved the lustful expressions mixed with the moans. It caused euphoric endorphins to release, driving me fucking mad.

Turning her to her side, I lifted her left leg and slid my fingers through her wet pussy, coating her anus with her own juices. Morgan was so fucking passionate about everything I did. The way she fisted the sheet and held her breath when my middle finger penetrated her ass was over the top, and desire poured from her trembling body.

I lifted her leg and moved my cock into her pussy while my middle finger slid in and out of her ass. Her pussy felt fucking amazing, but it was my finger moving in and out of her asshole that had me on fire. We didn’t do that much anymore. It was too much of a trigger for me, and I worked hard not to go back there. Although, it did seem to be happening more and more lately. I knew I was going there. Morgan knew I was going there, and my dick knew I was going there.

“Move closer to the edge of the bed, baby,” I whispered, pulling her to her knees. My dick slid out and in a couple times from behind. I watched, trying to make that enough. It wasn’t working. The little pucker in her ass was screaming for my dick. I rubbed it with my thumb, sliding her wetness around the opening. Morgan held herself on all fours while I held her ass, spreading it with my hands, needing to see her. All of her. I wasn’t sure if she was pushing into my cock or my thumb until she dropped her head to the bed and spread her ass cheeks, giving all the permission I needed.

I slid out and walked to the dresser. The condom was needed so I could pull it off and shoot it in her mouth. Our eyes locked when Morgan turned her head to watch me slide on the condom, knowing full well what was about to go down. I stroked my rubber-coated cock with the warm lube while my eyes pierced Morgan’s.

“Is this what you want, Morgan?” I asked, adjusting her hips. The entrance to her ass lined up perfectly with the head of my cock. I waited for her to answer before I continued. She wasn’t throwing that one at me later.

“Yes, Drew, put it in my ass,” she moaned in a breathy, erotic tone. Jesus I wanted to shoot my load right that second.

“You put it in your ass,” I countered, holding my pose while Morgan pushed back, little by little. Spreading her ass cheeks, I watched her press against me, taking my shaft, slowly, until I was all in. I held her hips and forced myself out and back in quickly. She hissed at the sudden invasion and pulled in the opposite direction. I didn’t let her control it. I did the driving, moving her hips while she rocked back and forth on my cock. I waited until she was ready to come and stopped.

I would have loved to have fucked with her more and more, until I came in her mouth without letting her find her own pleasure, but I didn’t. That was taking it back to where we tried hard not to go. I still had boundaries, and keeping Morgan from pleasure was one I couldn’t cross, although I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to that very thing.

I dropped to the bed and pulled Morgan’s naked back to my chest, needing to reach her clitoris. She needed to hurry the hell up before I wasted a whole load in a condom. Pumping in and out of her ass, I finger fucked her pussy and violated her clit. She was dropping her head and calling out within seconds. Thank god. As soon as my fingers felt the last wave she was riding out, I pushed her up and removed the condom. After fucking her pussy a few more minutes while standing above her, I placed her feet back to the floor and spun her in my arms.

Kissing her soft shoulders and neck, I lifted one leg, and then the other. Turning, I took two steps toward the mirror over the dresser. Holding her wide open, she rested her feet on the ledge and stared at me through our reflections.

“Rub it, Morgan,” I whispered, licking her ear with my hot words. Her eyes closed and her fingers glided through her slit. Periodically, my eyes glanced at her fingers, bringing her pussy to orgasm, but mostly they stayed on hers. They stayed locked with that chemistry that I can’t really explain. Morgan closed her eyes and rubbed frantically up and down on her pussy. I watched that part, but didn’t let her ride the waves like the last time.

She was still rubbing her pussy when I directed her to her knees in front of me. I fisted my cock, watching my wife part her lips for my come. Holding a fist full of hair from the back of her head, I made her look at me as the first bout touched her lips. I was in fucking heaven, and Morgan let me. Morgan let me see the scared girl she once was, afraid to close her mouth. Morgan knew to wait for me, but I knew she wasn’t really scared this time. She was turned on. Her eyes and the way her fingers continued to massage her pussy told me she wanted exactly what I was giving her.

My come, coating her lips, and the way she knew to open her mouth just a little fucked with me. The next squirt of come coated her tongue, and the next one went to the back of her throat as she swallowed me. Fuck. I loved this woman.

That was the point Morgan and I were at in our marriage. Sex was no doubt the best thing we had going for us. It’s where we both released life’s stresses. Sex had become something we did out of anger. It was amazing, great, and always full of emotion, but nonetheless, it had become something that came natural after a bad day, which was most days anymore. Moving to Los Angeles would be good for us. Hopefully, the way it was when we first made Rodanthe our permanent residence.

Having two boys put a strain on our marriage for sure. I’m not blaming it on my kids by any means. I just mean, there didn’t seem to be time for Morgan and Drew anymore. Nicholas had a breakdown every time we left him for more than a couple hours. It became easier to stay home. And yes, I knew I had to stop enabling him and make him listen. It was just extremely hard for me. I didn’t want to be that dad. I wanted to be the cool dad, the one your kids come to when they need something. I didn’t want my boys raised the way Morgan and I were. If I could just get her to understand that part of it.

I get her being pissed about the store and the move, but I didn’t get why she thought being mean to him would make it any better. I didn’t want to be mean to him. I wanted them to always be happy. I never wanted them to feel like they weren’t loved, not for one second of their lives.

We were right back at it the following morning. Celeste and Alicia weren’t out of the driveway before we were bickering.

“I’m not saying one word, Drew,” Morgan lied.

“Fine, Morgan. Don’t say one word. Let him watch his movie and—” Morgan and I both darted to the kitchen when we heard the glass break. I grabbed Tadpole and Morgan tossed a towel over the broken wine glass.

“That’s nice. That would have been great, Morgan. Let’s take our son to the ER because he was cut on mommy’s wine glass. What’s that saying about you, Morgan?”

“It’s not saying anything, Drew. It’s saying I was too drunk to care about putting it in the dishwasher. He didn’t get cut and we’re not taking him to the ER,” Morgan yelled right back. I carried Tad out and sat with Nicholas on the sofa. Watching the construction of the Clifton Suspension Bridge was safer than helping Morgan clean up shards of glass.

This move had to be better for us.

Los Angeles took a lot of getting used to. It was nice getting away from my mom, but I missed my little sister like crazy. Caroline and I had really gotten close after we made the beach house our perpetual dwelling. I missed the close proximity of our house, too.

This house was so big, too big. I couldn’t watch the boys play while I made supper anymore, and what used to take me a couple hours a week to clean, now took twice that long. Drew offered to hire a housekeeper, but that wasn’t what I was complaining about. Not really. I was merely stating the fact that I missed my house. He didn’t get it.

The house was beautiful. I loved it as much as I hated it. It just felt a little too much, like we were better than the rest. I didn’t like that feeling, and it quickly became the norm. Drew entertained high-class clients for major purchases and quickly made a name for himself around Hollywood. His store was even mentioned during a red carpet event when one of the actresses confessed that her new engagement ring had come from Drew’s store.

Although it helped Kelley Elegance get its name out there, Drew told me why she did it. It had nothing at all to do with the store, but the price. The price of Milan Sterling’s new ring was all over the net within hours. Drew loved it. Everybody wanted their rings from the jewelry store that Milan Sterling got hers from.

He did keep us by the beach and it was nice, just not the same as the one back home. We had a pool with a bridge going across it in elegant stones. Nicholas loved it. He spent hours hopping from one squared marble stone to the other. Back and forth. Back and forth. Never in my life had I seen someone so into something the way Nicholas was with bridges. I swear he never shut up about it.

I blamed it on Drew. He egged on Nicholas’s obsession with bridges. He had every DVD he could find on bridges. Drew spent at least an hour a week looking for new bridges for Nicholas to learn about. The kid was a genius, too. He didn’t forget. Drew proudly asked him questions every night about them. I learned a lot from Nicky, too, but I wanted Drew to turn him on to something else for a change. Maybe a baseball or something.

I could put Nicholas in front of the television with a DVD on the construction of some bridge and never worry about him getting into anything. The Golden Gate Bridge was the best babysitter for Nicky ever, especially when Drew left me with them all day.

I didn’t mind living in Bel Air. The beach was nice, and it was nice living next to Chelsea Wrangler. She had two kids about the same age as mine, only they were girls. Having a friend to talk to about everyday life was very nice. I had Alicia, and I talked to her on a daily basis, but Chelsea was a different kind of friend. She taught me the ropes, let me in on what schools were the best, what sluts from the weekly playgroups to keep away from your husband, and the best places to shop.

Drew couldn’t stand Chelsea. He hated her with a passion. It was rather stupid. He didn’t like me running around with her and having a life outside of him, that was the problem. He begged me ever since we had Nicholas to get a nanny and once I did, he bitched about it. Sometimes he would purposely sabotage my plans. Like when he would call me to come and meet him at some fancy restaurant. He only did it when he knew I was doing something with Chelsea.

It wasn’t even like we did much. We shopped on Mondays, had lunch with a few other girls that I now called my friends on Wednesdays, and Chelsea and I had our hair and nails done on Fridays. That’s about it. We did eat at Marbet’s House on Fridays. The fact that it was a high-class establishment for a lot of cheating businessmen was the reason Drew didn’t want me there.

We were hit on, yeah, but that’s not what we were doing there. We liked the atmosphere and Toni, the female bartender, was nice. We sat on the end of the bar and talked to her, that was it. Had it been something I was concerned about, or thought Drew had a good reason for not wanting me there in the middle of the day, I would have stopped going. There was no reason. He could stop in there anytime he wanted and I would be where I always was. We had a nice meal and one drink. That’s it, and then we left. I wasn’t hurting anyone by doing that. And I wasn’t letting Drew dictate what I could do.

As much as I missed my little beach house by my mom, I was happy where we were, thankful that I let Drew talk me into coming. I did more living in Bel Air than I ever had. I liked feeling as if I were part of something, even if that something was a bunch of snotty high-class bitches. I fit in as if I was truly one of them, and I had fun outside of my home. What is so wrong with that?

I guess that’s when things got a little shakier for Drew and me. He didn’t like me wanting something more than him and the boys. He didn’t understand why they weren’t enough and I didn’t know how to make him understand that they were. I just needed something besides them, too. So every other day, we argued.

“You don’t want me to meet you, Drew. You know I am planning to go get my hair and nails done, and then going to Marbet’s for lunch. That’s the only reason you’re calling me,” I accused, spinning to look at my ass in my new designer skirt. Damn. That Pilates class was paying off.

“Yes I do. Come to the store and we’ll get lunch together.”

“You come to Marbet’s for lunch. I’ll meet you there.”

“And then you’ll leave with me?”

“Are you coming home?”

“Yeah, I thought we might fly to the beach house this weekend. Get away and maybe go find some sea glass.”

“I can’t. Mary Alice is having a birthday party for her daughter Saturday. She’ll be devastated if I don’t bring Nicholas.”

“Who the hell is Mary Alice? And I’m sure she won’t be devastated.”

“She’s one of the girls in our mommy group. I already told her we would be there.”

“We’ll send her a gift. Let’s get away, Morgan. I miss you.”

I rolled my eyes at Drew on the phone while I applied bright red lipstick. “You’re the one that works all the time. I do my stuff around you. We’ll go next week. Are you meeting me for lunch or not?”

“Maybe. What time are you going to be there?”

“Usually around one.”

“I love you.”

“Love you, too, Drew. I’ll see you later.”

After a full day of hair and nails with Chelsea, I was famished.

I knew it was going to end badly when the two guys sat beside us. One on each side. If Drew showed up and saw me talking to this hot younger guy, shit would hit the fan. I tried my best to get rid of the guy before I saw Drew, but Chelsea wasn’t helping. She was having a full-blown conversation with the other guy.

It didn’t matter that I excused myself to go to my husband as soon as I saw him. He was already furious.

“Was he hitting on you?”

“No, let’s get a table,” I said, pulling the sleeve of his suit jacket.

“Who is he?”

“Drew, I have no idea. He just started talking to me. I can handle myself. Stop acting like a jealous little boy.”

“I am a jealous little boy. That right there is exactly why I don’t want you in here.”

“Sit down,” I ordered, sliding into the black leather booth.

Drew took one more glare over his shoulder and sat across from me. “You’re not coming in here anymore without me. Why are you dressed like that in the middle of the afternoon?”

“I don’t know what you want. You’re driving me crazy. You used to force me to look like this. Remember that, Drew?”

“Yeah, and as soon as I started letting you be you, I fell madly in love with you. I don’t like this Morgan. I don’t like your hair that light and I don’t like my wife hanging out in bars.”

“Does this really look like a bar to you? This is one of the most prestigious restaurants in Hollywood.” Drew just wanted to be a dick. Dying my hair blonde was the first thing he ever did after buying me to be his wife.

“That’s what I am talking about. I don’t want my wife to care about prestigious restaurants. I want to see my wife in shorts, wrestling around on the floor with my boys.”

“I do that all the time. You want me to leave the house looking like that?”

“Jean shorts, no makeup, and a shirt that covers your tits? Hell yeah, I want you to leave the house like that. Better yet, don’t leave the house with that cunt and we won’t have to worry about it.”

“You’re a hopeless case. I give up.”

“I want you to act like the Morgan who I lived with back in Rodanthe.”

“No, you don’t. You think these are new problems, but they’re not. They’re the same ones that followed us here.”

“You didn’t go out like this back in Rodanthe,” Drew pointed out the fact that I had to elaborate on.

“Only because Alicia lived so far away, or I didn’t have girlfriends to do anything with.”

“I would still rather have that Morgan.”

“Then you shouldn’t have brought me here.”

“Fine, let’s go back. This is going to destroy us, Morgan. We don’t need this added stress on top of what we already have.”

“You mean Nicholas? You mean the fact that you let him stay up until one in the morning to watch a stupid documentary?”

“It was one time. He has been seeing the commercials for it for weeks now.”

“You put it on DVR. He’ll watch it a thousand more times. When are you going to set some rules for him? When are you planning on teaching him about authority?”

“He gets plenty of that from you.”

Oh boy. And we were in public, too. Damn. “I’ll have a glass of wine and a shot of Gray Goose, please,” I said, shutting up long enough to speak to our waitress and calm my adrenaline rush. Drew gave me a dirty look, ordered a glass of wine, and canceled my request for a shot. I shook my head and rolled my eyes, livid that he just treated me like a child in front of the waitress.

“Did you come here to start a fight?” I asked, crossing my arms in a standoffish way.

“I didn’t come here to catch my wife talking to another man.”

“Drew, just shut the hell up. Nothing intelligent comes out of your mouth. You have one way of seeing things, and that’s yours.”

“I could say the same thing. Why am I the only one seeing anything wrong with my wife sitting in a bar while my kids are at home with a nanny?”

“It’s not a fucking, BAR!” I repeated again, purposely raising my voice a little. That pissed him off. The waitress turned and left with our wine and all heads turned our way.

“I’m the one that has nothing intelligent to say?”

“I’m not saying another word.”

That’s what life had become in the Kelley home. Nicholas was his own little person with the strongest will I’d ever seen, Tad was pushing two and into everything, and Drew and I seemed to fight on a regular basis. Of course, we made up every night. Literally. Drew didn’t understand I needed my time away from the boys. He didn’t like Chelsea, and there was no changing his mind. He wanted me home like I had always been before.

I can’t explain how I felt. I guess I felt like I had a life with Chelsea. My own life, and not one that consisted of Drew, Nicky, or Tad. I liked my friends and I liked doing things with them. We weren’t doing anything that we shouldn’t have been doing. Chelsea was a flirt, no doubt, and I may have even batted an eyelash or two. But, I would never cheat on Drew, and Chelsea would never cheat on Cody.

We were just having fun. Innocent fun. It felt nice to be noticed by someone else.

Not that Drew didn’t do that. Drew always told me I looked nice, how beautiful I was. He was always giving me complements. And I always appreciated them. That doesn’t change the fact that it makes a girl feel like a million bucks when she turns heads in a room. Drew didn’t understand that, either. His head was the only one that needed to turn when I entered a room.

By the time Drew drove us home we were both pissed off. We argued all the way home and it continued well into the evening. I finally took a pain pill and stayed in a hot bath until the water cooled just to get away from him.

“I’m not kidding, Morgan,” Drew started again as soon as we went to bed. “I don’t want you going to Marbet’s with that skank anymore.”

“Don’t talk, Drew,” I said, crawling into my side of the bed facing away from him. I knew he wasn’t going to let it go at that. I was hoping he wouldn’t.

I was right and Drew’s hands were on my bare ass in a half a second. Caressing my ass, he slid his fingers between my legs and rubbed my already wet pussy. I rolled to my back and let my knee drop to him. Drew kissed me, finger fucked me to orgasm, and fucked me crazy. We didn’t talk we fucked. That was the best way for both of us to let it out. Don’t talk about it, just fuck.

The summer before Nicholas turned five was when our foundation began to crumble. Celeste and Alicia met us at the beach house in Rodanthe for the Fourth of July. That weekend was interesting to say the least. They arrived a day before us, because Drew was closing a big deal and needed to wait.

Nicholas was driving me crazy, whining about not going. He didn’t want us to go there for whatever reason. I think he was just screaming for attention, but nonetheless, he was wreaking havoc on my nerves.

Nicholas just wouldn’t quit. This was another reason why we stayed true to his routine. He literally whined the entire weekend, wanting to go home. He was fine during the day. It was at night that set him off the most. He wanted to be home in his bed. He wanted us to take his little brother and get on the plane.

Celeste had to go and run her mouth about Nicholas the first night there. That pissed Drew off, and he was like a lion with a thorn all weekend. He took Nicholas and spent a lot of time on the beach, leaving the entertainment to me. I didn’t mind. At least I told myself I didn’t mind, but for whatever reason, I couldn’t tell Drew that. I had to let him think that making me go there and leaving me at home with Celeste and Alicia made me mad when it really didn’t.

Drew got up and walked down the steps when Celeste came out to the deck with a cup of coffee.

“We can leave,” she offered, sitting across from me. I didn’t want them to leave. I wanted us to have fun the way we used to. I wanted it to be the way it was before life got in the way.

“I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stop picking on my kid. The only thing wrong with Nicholas is his dad. Drew needs to step up and be his father and quit trying to be his friend.”

“I think it’s more than that, Morgan. I think you need to get him checked out by a professional. I’m not trying to pick on Nicholas. You know I love that kid. I’m telling you as a friend, and the sooner he gets help, the better he’s going to be.”

“Help for what, Celeste? He’s not even five yet. He’s a spoiled little rich kid wrapped so tight around his daddy’s finger it has cut off the circulation to his brain. I know Drew lets him get away with murder. We fight over it all the time. I can’t change Drew. You of all people should know that.”

“I don’t think Drew is the problem. I think you’re both in denial.”

Celeste was really crossing lines and pushing buttons. I was just about to go off on her when Alicia joined us. Christina slid to my lap and I kissed her dimpled little cheek. Why couldn’t I have gotten girls?

“Morgan, will you just look into it? We’re not trying to upset you or Drew. We see something in Nicholas that we’re both familiar with.”

“Not you, too?” I questioned Alicia. Now she was ganging up on me, too. Great.

“Just check into it. If we’re wrong, then you can say you told us so and move on. If we’re right, you can start getting him the help he needs to be getting.”

I ignored both of my irrational friends. The friends that needed to mind their own business. The friends that needed to go home now. I never looked forward to their departure more than I did now. I didn’t like Alicia’s comments about Chelsea, or my new hairstyle. What was it to her if I wanted to go blonde? She just didn’t like me having a friend besides her. That was what that was all about.

That was the first night in a long time Drew and I didn’t have sex. We lay worlds apart in the same bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, lost in thought. The normal physical vibes that I usually felt were missing and I didn’t like it.

“Drew?”

“Hmm?”

“Are we okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Are we going to split up?” That got his attention. Drew turned and pulled me close to him.

“No, Morgan. We’re never splitting up. We’ve only hit a rough patch. We’ll be okay. Don’t ever think we won’t work through something. We will.”

As much as I wanted to believe him, I really couldn’t. Yes, we had climbed over many hurtles in the past, but this was different. It felt different. For the first time in our marriage, I didn’t know if we were going to be okay, and now I was worried about Nicholas. Was there really something going on with him, or did he just need both of his parents on the same page?

“Promise me we’re never going to get to that point,” I requested, feeling all the apprehension in the world.

“I promise, Morgan. Do you think that? Do you really think we’re at that point?”

“Sometimes. I don’t want to fight with you all the time. That’s all we do, Drew. I hate it.”

“We’ll start back up with Deidra. We’ll do a phone session like we were once a week. Let’s stop. Let’s make a promise right now that we’re done with the bickering back and forth.”

“What if something really is wrong with Nicky? Maybe we should get him evaluated.”

“No, there is nothing wrong with Nicky. He’s the smartest four-year-old I know. We’ll come up with a plan and both follow through with it. Okay?”

I agreed, knowing he was probably right. Nicholas acted like any other little boy besides the fact that he didn’t have any rules and he made them as he went. Nicholas was smart and he knew exactly how to play Drew and me against each other. Maybe he was right. Maybe we just needed to me more consistent with him.

I called Deidra from my office downtown. I could tell Morgan wasn’t really into doing phone therapy with her again, but I thought we needed it. I can’t really explain it. It’s like you know it’s broken but not enough to stop working yet. Like a car with no oil. Eventually it’s going to stop and something bad is going to happen. That’s what I felt. That’s where I thought Morgan and I were.

“Hey, stranger, how are you?” Deidra asked.

“Eh, you got room for us once a week?” I asked.

“Maybe, why didn’t you call the office? What’s going on?”

“I don’t know. A lot.”

“Like?”

“I don’t really know. Things are just strained between us. They’re not good.”

“How’s the move? Alicia told me you guys moved to California. You bought another store? Is that the problem?”

“I don’t think so. I mean, Morgan didn’t want to come here at first, but she seems to like it now. She never wants to go back to the other house now.”

“Where is she?”

“Who knows? Out with her friends? It’s Monday. I’m sure she’s with her high-class girlfriends.”

“Hmm, and you don’t like that?”

“I don’t like who she has become here.”

“What does that mean? She’s different?”

“Yes, Morgan hated shopping before. She did it online. She walked around barefoot, and in shorts and tank tops. Now she’s dressed like we’re going to dinner all the time.”

“Around the house?”

“No, not so much. Just when she goes out mostly.”

“Do you trust her?”

“I don’t know.”

“Call the office and set up an hour session next week. You might have to do an evening appointment.”

“Can’t you do that?”

“No. I’m in the middle of something.”

“Well, can’t you just call us when you get home from the office and we can talk?”

“Sure, Drew. I’ll work at home just for you. How about tonight? We’ll start tonight.”

I knew Deidra was being sarcastic, calling me an ass, but I played it off and let her walk herself into a corner. “Sure, I’ll be home by six. The boys are usually in bed by eight. Any time after that should be perfect. I’ll talk to you later.” I hung up before giving Deidra time to respond. She did call me a dick in a text message, though. I needed a laugh.

I dialed Morgan next. Knowing she was more than likely out with Chelsea, I used our appointment with Deidra as an excuse to call her. Yes. We were there too. We felt the need to have a reason to call one another.

“I’ll call you back in a minute, Drew,” she answered. She wasn’t with Chelsea. I could hear Nicholas crying in the background.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, we’re just having a moment. I’ve got it. Give me a few minutes to calm him down.”

“What’s wrong with him?”

“Drew, let me call you back.”

“Okay,” I agreed, letting her take care of Nicky. He was going to be a big part of our conversation with Deidra. I knew I had to do something different with him, start making him mind more, but he wasn’t that bad. He was just Nicholas. Nicholas liked things a certain way, and when you messed with his routine, he got upset. There was nothing wrong with that other than he had to learn that things weren’t always going to go his way. He’s a Kelley for God’s sake. He’s supposed to want things his way.

I tried to turn my attention back to the client on my computer. This was a major deal, and with the film festival coming up, my name could be mentioned a couple times. I couldn’t focus on anything but my family. I felt like we were crumbling and I couldn’t do anything but watch.

“What was that all about?” I answered Morgan on the first ring.

“I don’t know. He was just upset because he didn’t want me to leave him with May’s substitute. She’s on vacation.”

“Well, you shouldn’t leave him with a total stranger.”

“Yeah, well don’t worry, Drew. I’m home. I’m not out having a life or anything.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“She’s not a stranger. She’s from the agency. Chelsea has used her a lot, and she even took her on vacation with them.”

“You can’t just expect the boys to be okay with leaving them with someone they don’t know.”

“I’m not stupid, Drew. I wasn’t planning on just opening the door for her and leaving. She’s been here for six hours. Tad was fine with her. Nicholas wouldn’t say one word to her, not one. He watched her play with Tadpole, but he wouldn’t have anything to do with her.”

“Just because she was around them for a few hours doesn’t mean she’s not a stranger. So are you staying home today? You’re not going out with your friends?”

“No, Drew. I’m not going anywhere. I am going to stay home with your mini. I’ll just keep giving everyone what they want. That’ll make it all better. What would you like for dinner? I’ll have that on the table for you, too.”

“Morgan, don’t be like that. I talked to Deidra. She’s going to call us tonight.”

“Great, I’ll see you tonight, Drew. I’m going to take the boys down to the beach for a while.”

I could hear the irritation in her tone, but didn’t know what to say or do about it. I didn’t know what she wanted. “I love you, Morgan.”

“I love you, too. I’ll see you later.”

Morgan’s I love you’s were so obligatory now. I fucking hated it. They weren’t full of love like they once were. They were monotone and forced, and I could almost see her eyes roll when she said it.

After closing a deal I was certain I didn’t have a chance in hell at getting, my mood lifted. Thanks to one of the oldest tricks in the book and Celeste, I closed him on the spot. Celeste was an expert at being a fake negotiator. Deciding I wasn’t letting Morgan have a bad night, I texted her, walking down the sidewalk with a smile on my face. Texting was safer than calling. I didn’t want to hear that tone. I wanted to hear the one that was happy and playful, not the one that had a stick shoved up her ass all the time.

Drew—you have no idea how much I am in love with you.

Morgan—Um…okay?

When did that happen? When did Morgan stop messaging me funny, cute responses?

Drew—Have my boys ready in suites and ties. I’m going to take you guys out tonight.

Morgan—Out where? I have a roast in the crockpot.

Drew—We’ll eat it tomorrow. It’s not an option, it’s an order.

Morgan—Drew…

Drew—Please, Morgan.

Morgan—Can’t we just go to Chuckie Cheese or something?

Drew—No. This place is formal. I want you guys looking like a million bucks.

Morgan—Drew…

Drew—Be ready at by five. I <4 you.

Drew—Oops, I <3 you.

Morgan—LOL I <5 you too.

Drew—Always got to up me one.

I smiled, knowing my clumsy thumbs brought a smile to her face, maybe even a snicker. Crossing the street, I wondered when the last time she really laughed was. I mean, she laughed at the silly things the boys did all the time, or something on television, but those were just laughs. I tried to explain it to Morgan once. She said I was nuts, and she laughed the same way all the time.

We’d been arguing about how she never seemed happy anymore. I called it her Drew laugh. The one she shared with only me. I wasn’t crazy, and I missed that laugh. I was going to do everything in my power to pull that from her tonight. I was determined to take my family out and have a great night.

I skated through the rest of my day and left the store by four, eager to see my family. I’d been floating on a cloud the entire day, and entering my house lifted me higher. Nicholas and Tad were sitting side by side on the sofa, engrossed in the demolition of the James Town Bridge in Rhode Island. Nicky was sitting on the edge with his feet planted on the floor and his little brother sat against the back, both in matching black suites. My little businessmen.

My mood was lifted even higher when Morgan looked at me through the mirror. She smiled while fastening the clasp on her earring. That made me extremely happy. I was happy to see her in that mood.

“Jesus, I have got to be the luckiest man alive,” I said wrapping my arms around her waist. She leaned into me and I kissed her neck. Damn she smelled good. Why did I want to go out again? “Did you see those two good-looking boys out there?” I teased, running my hand along her waist. She wore red for me. Maybe we just needed to get back to the silly things in life, and forget real life.

“I did. They’re very excited. This better be good.”

“Oh, it is, my love. I want to grab a shower and clean up a bit, too. Give me ten minutes,” I said, kissing words to her neck.

“It’ll take me that long to finish my makeup.”

“You’re makeup is perfect just like this,” I assured her. Her eyes were outlined in dark blue, almost like blue smoke and her cheeks were a bit rosy. I hated it when she overdid it, like plastic. Of course, I didn’t argue too much about that. She would just throw it in my face and tell me I made her look like that for seven years. She knew that wasn’t the Morgan that finally sank me. It was the rambunctious, playful Morgan. That didn’t keep her from reminding me of our forced marriage.

Morgan was truly happy, the boys were happy, and I was a proud peacock. The kids’ dinner theater was the perfect getaway for all of us. The place even served wine for the mommies and daddies. Although the dining room had a kid’s vibe to it, it was done in elegance. Princesses served our meals, and knights came around and poured our drinks. Nicholas and Tad got sword spoons for their gourmet mac and cheese. They both thought that was the coolest thing ever.

Everyone was happy and having a good time. Nicholas was even chosen to be king of dessert for being the best little boy there. The plastic gold crown was proudly worn with a smile the entire night. And my wife smiled. A lot. Not only at our handsome little guys, but at me as well. Her eyes lit up when she smiled at me, we held hands, and snuck in quick kisses. This was what I missed. This was what I wanted every day for the rest of my life. In a perfect world, right?

Whatever was on my side that day, I sure appreciated it. The boys were outstanding and even continued after ice cream, and a quick game of putt-putt golf. I carried Tad to his bed, sound asleep and Nicholas wasn’t far behind him. He even let Morgan help with his pajamas and read to him while I deposited deadweight Tadpole in his bed. He never moved when I removed his shoes and jeans. I covered him up in his T-shirt and undies, knowing Morgan would yell at me for not putting his pajamas on him.

Morgan met me in the hall when she closed his door behind her. That tension that she and I shared was stronger than any force I knew. Our eyes locked, and she leaned into me. We stood right outside Nicholas’s door and made out like we were dating teenagers. It was nice and the passion was real. I never wanted anyone in my life the way I wanted Morgan. Our lips broke stride in smiles when Nicholas called for me.

“Are you coming, Dad?”

“I’ll be right in. Let me tell him goodnight,” I spoke, not wanting my lips to leave hers.

“Hurry,” she pled.

“Wait for me,” I said, not wanting her to be naked. I wanted to savor every moment. I wanted to undress her myself.

“Hey, buddy. Did you have fun tonight?”

“Yes, I want to do that again tomorrow, okay?”

“We’ll do it again, but not tomorrow. Thanks for letting Mommy read to you. She loves reading to you,” I praised Nicholas. I knew it hurt her feelings when Nicholas was quick to crawl up on my lap and push her away when she tried to snuggle with him.

“Well, her didn’t make me stay with that person,” he replied with a grownup, monotone expression. I looked at him peculiar for a second. Did my son just tell me he manipulated his mother by rewarding her for giving him his way? Or was I reading more into it?

“Go to sleep. I love you,” I said, ruffling his hair and pulling the covers around his neck.

“Wuv you, too, night,” Nicholas sleepily replied, rolling to his side and curling into a little ball. When you think you can’t possibly love any more than you already do, have a son. Better yet, have two of them and wife who you would die for. This family stuff was hard.

“Hi,” I awkwardly said, seeing Morgan. She was waiting for me inside the door, feeling just as awkward. When did that happen? Since when did Morgan and I become uncomfortable with each other?

“Hey,” she replied, wringing her hands. Seeing her do that, standing before me feeling so vulnerable, sent a surge right to my cock. There was a time in our marriage that I thrived on that. The memories of me fucking with her flooded my mind. I stared at her, picturing us back then. Me playing with her, or torturing her in some way to make her come just to spank her for doing it. Or getting her there so many times, and withdrawing before she could. Or forcing her to swallow my come while it coated her lips.

The silent stares were broken by her. “You can, Drew,” she offered. I knew what she was saying, but I wasn’t going to admit to it. Not for one second.

“What, baby?” I asked, closing the distance between us.

“You know, I want you to.”

Fuck! I hated when she did this. I hated when she gave me permission. I fought with it enough on my own. And just as I did every time this situation arrived, I crumbled.

“What do you want?” I asked, moving behind her. I couldn’t let her see the lust on my face, thinking about what I wanted to do to her.

“I want you to do what you used to do,” she rasped in heavy deep breaths while my hands explored her hips, her waist, and her ass. “You can punish me.”

And just like that. I let her go, and walked to our closet, never taking my eyes from hers. “Take your clothes off,” I ordered in a strong, stern, ordering kind of voice. Retrieving the box full of toys, I unlocked it with the keys in my pocket. Morgan slipped out of her shoes and seductively slid her red dress over her shoulders. Fuck. She was so beautiful. Part of me wanted to go to her and pull her lovingly into my arms. The other part wouldn’t let me.

Forgetting all about Deidra and my demanding session with her, I hit the end button and silenced my phone. I would call her tomorrow. I watched Morgan’s breath catch when she saw me pull out my favorite toy. I think she loved it as much as she hated it. I couldn’t help it. Watching the instant pleasure mixed with the moans fucked with me. It fucked with me even more knowing I had the control when the pleasure was replaced with torturous eyes, begging me to let her come. And I would, of course I would. I didn’t take it that far anymore, but I would fuck with her for a while.

Once Morgan was standing naked in front of me, I walked to her and kissed her as passionately as I could. I felt her body relax and melt into mine.

“You sure this is okay?” I asked, tracing her collarbone with soft kisses.

“Yes, I want it,” she breathily assured me.

Sometimes, Drew and I needed to cross that line. This was one of those times. Although, it did concern me. It seemed like we were having more and more of these times lately. Like Drew and I were using the sick, twisted way we used to be to balance out the weight on both our shoulders.

I couldn’t blame it on him any more than he could blame it on me. I wanted him to be that way, too. To punish me and tell me what to do. Psychologically I didn’t need Deidra to tell me it was an escape mechanism for me. I knew I used these times to let Drew have it all. Take the control and give me a break from reality. I presume his need was much of the same. We both got off on the release it brought. Was it normal or healthy? Probably not, but it was Drew and me. It’s what we did.

I really wasn’t expecting our night to end that way. I was happy, and the frustration I was having toward Nicholas, not getting to get out of the house, and letting a four-year-old ruin my plans, quickly dissipated.

Drew circled me and pulled the chair out from my vanity. “Have a seat, bad girl,” he ordered in the deep, Drew-dominating tone. The one that scared and excited me at the same time. I knew what was coming and my clitoris was going crazy anticipating it. This is the part where I didn’t speak a word. I followed orders and waited for Drew’s direction. It’s a Drew and Morgan thing. Yes, I was giving up control I wasn’t supposed to give, but drew wasn’t taking it. I was giving it to him. I’m sure Deidra wouldn’t agree with my irrational excuses, but neither of us cared.

My pussy throbbed and the wetness was felt when Drew told me to sit. “Spread your legs,” he demanded, kneeling in front of me. My eyes fixated on his cold, dark pupils. My monster man…

The cool air I felt on my slit as soon as I opened myself for Drew sent a chill up my spine. Drew leaned in and kissed my aching nub with a soft, sweet kiss. My hips thrust toward him, hoping for more contact. Of course, that wasn’t in my control. Drew smiled at me with a smirk. I smiled back. I guess things were the same, but different. Drew would have never smiled that I love you smile at me in those days. I loved him so much. Like it was stupid for someone to love someone as much as I loved him.

I moaned when Drew dipped a finger inside me and moved it in and out. I was beyond wet. I was saturated and I wanted to come. Grasping the sides of the chair, I watched the green light appear on the probe I was about to feel. Drew split me with his fingers, exposing my anxious, swollen clitoris. His eyes met mine right before he slowly moved the tip closer to my nub. I held my breath, and waited.

“Aahh!” I screamed, defensively trying to close my legs. The instant orgasm peaked and tortuously halted at the exact same moment. Drew moved his body between my legs and split my lips again, barely giving me time to recuperate from the first earthquake.

I slumped more with the second one, feeling it through my entire body. Drew moved my fingers and held my wrist on my waist when I tried to touch myself. I needed contact. I needed to come, and I was ready to beg after two times. I knew this wouldn’t be quick and to my advantage. Drew was getting off on controlling my orgasms. His erect cock, laying to the top right of his black dress slacks, was prominent, standing at full attention. I wanted to touch it, stroke it, and taste it.

The session consisted of seven shocks and seven slow convoluted intervals. Holy Mother of Pearls. “Drew,” I panted, unable to take number eight. My pussy needed to come right that second. Once again, I tried to move my hand. I didn’t need him. I could make it come myself if he would let me. And he didn’t. Shit.

Drew pulled me to the floor in front of him and bucked his hips. Looking up, I watched him remove his tie and unbutton his shirt while I took care of the belt. My hands slid down his strong chest, down to the band of his shorts, and to his freed, rock hard steel rod. I tasted the clear pre-come when my tongue traced its slit. I moaned an erotic whimper when I sucked his head into my mouth. Drew’s pleasure escaped his own lips when I took him to the back of my throat, cupping his balls in a massage.

Drew tugged on my wrist to bring my lips to his once he’d had enough. He held my naked body close to his while he kissed me like we used to kiss. He broke the contact of our lips and kissed my nose with a smile. “I love you, can I spank you?” he asked lightheartedly. I’m not sure if Drew was trying not to cross a line, or if it was more of him wanting to make sure that I really wanted it. That I wasn’t going there for only him. I wasn’t. I wanted it as much as he did. I wanted to feel the stinging on my ass from his hands.

“Yes, I think you should. Thank you for tonight, Drew,” I spoke to his lips, tracing the opening of his mouth with my tongue.

“You’re welcome. I had a good day. I wanted to celebrate.”

“What happened today?” I curiously asked.

“I closed the deal of the century,” he boasted.

“Oh,” I responded, trying to hide the instant response.

“What?”

“Nothing,” I countered with another kiss, feeling the tension once again. The erotic atmosphere that lingered moments before was gone, replaced with hurt and rejection. I know Drew sensed it, too, but that didn’t keep him from splattering red handprints about my ass. I still enjoyed every second of it. It just wasn’t the same feeling as it was before Drew told me that the only reason he did this, took us out and showed us how much he loved us, was because he was celebrating. He needed a reason to do that. It had nothing to do with him wanting to make things better. It was about work, a deal. I should have known.

Drew mostly backed off on the control, and tried like hell to make the rest of the night about me. After he brought me to orgasm with his mouth twice, he fucked me from behind and then with my feet over my head, that time in my ass. Using my ass to bring his own orgasm to head, Drew pulled out and jerked himself frantically until three quick bouts of come coated my stomach. Drew lowered my hips and spread it up my abdomen and to my nipple. Lowering himself to me, he kissed me.

“I love you so much,” Drew whispered.

I gave him a quick kiss and squirmed from beneath him. It had nothing to do with anything. I wasn’t thinking about anything, I was happy. Drew, of course, had to make it something.

“What is your problem, Morgan? I don’t know what you want anymore.”

“What, Drew? I’m just going to the bathroom. Don’t ruin this. I don’t have a problem. You just dumped a load all over my body. Can I clean up?” I asked, trying to keep my cool and not go to bed angry with him—again. “Do you want to soak in the tub with me?” I asked, trying to save what was left of the night.

“Yes. I’m sorry,” he apologized. Thank god.

I exhaled an exasperated breath and took a Lortab from my medicine cabinet. Being in the hot tub of water and resting my body against Drew’s was nice. Relaxing. He played with my fingers while he told me about his big deal and how his fake call to Celeste created enough urgency to close the guy on the spot. I told him I was proud and happy for him.

“I didn’t take you guys out to celebrate my achievement. I took you out because I wanted to celebrate my achievement with you and the boys. I know it may seem that way to you, but that wasn’t my intention, Morgan. I just wanted to make you happy, see you laugh and smile. The only thing on my mind when I decided to take you guys out was you, not my deal.

I turned to face Drew and wrapped my arms around his neck. I don’t know if he read my mind or what, but that was exactly what I needed to hear. “Thank you for that. And thank you for the dinner theater. I loved it.”

I stayed home with the boys the next day. Chelsea brought her two kids over and they played in the pool. I blew Alicia off, telling her I had company and would call her back. I hated the disappointment in her tone. I just didn’t need her lecture about Nicky right now. I had enough on my plate.

Watching Tad, Anna, and Miah jumping in and out of the pool, I looked to see Nicholas, crossing the bridge. Stepping from one square to the other, he crossed over and over. That was the first moment I even consider there might’ve been something to what Celeste and Alicia were saying. I started thinking about the way Nicholas wouldn’t have anything to do with the kids at the playgroup. Tad always played whatever the other kids were. Nicholas watched, or played by himself. That was normal, though. Drew said himself that he was like that. He didn’t like to be around other people, either.

The next day was when I considered it even more. May still wasn’t back from vacation and my not even five-year-old son convinced me why it was a bad ideal for me to leave him alone with Melissa. He was truly concerned, but didn’t really make sense why it was such a big deal. Although he spoke like an adult with a flat tone, his reasoning of being left with Melissa rather than May was silly. He couldn’t explain why, just that he wasn’t supposed to stay with Melissa.

I’m not sure why I gave into him, but I did. Nicholas was devastated that I was going to leave him and his brother with Melissa and not May. I canceled my lunch date with my friends and spent the afternoon with my little people instead. I really didn’t mind. We surprised Drew and took him out to lunch.

“What’s wrong, Morgan?” Drew asked, slurping coke from his straw. I turned my attention from Nicky’s smile to Drew and then back to Nicholas. He watched the other kids play on the outside play area, but didn’t join them.

“That’s high enough,” I called to my dare devil, Tad, trying to swing higher than the little girl beside him. I looked back to Nicholas and coaxed him to go play.

“Hey, buddy, why don’t you go play with Tad?”

“No. I’m just going to stay here.”

“Why? You can go play,” I persuaded.

“I might not come back. I better stay here.”

I looked at Drew concerned. “What?” he questioned, clueless.

I didn’t want to say anything in front of Nicky, so I let it go. For the first time in his life, I was afraid for him. I was afraid Nicholas was different. How, I wasn’t sure. I mean, he looked like any other four-year-old boy, playing around the fenced patio, but he didn’t act like them and I was afraid he didn’t think like them. It scared me, and looking at him broke my heart. I knew without knowing that Nicky couldn’t go play with the other kids. I just didn’t understand why.

Drew helped fasten both boys in their car seats, and then pulled me close for a kiss. “I’ll see you in a few hours. I’m glad you’re with the boys and not Chelsea,” he alleged.

My headshake didn’t go unnoticed.

“Now what? You’re driving me crazy. Everything I say pisses you off.”

“That’s because you have no idea how ignorant you are. You don’t have to praise me to manipulate what you want.”

“That’s not what I was doing.”

“Okay, whatever. I’ll see you tonight. I’m going to lay these guys down for a little bit and take a pain pill.”

“Is it bad?”

“No, not at all, but it’s there. I just need to close my eyes for a few minutes.”

“I’m a phone call away if you need me to come home.”

“I’m fine, I’ll see you in a little while,” I said with a peck from my lips to his. Drew told the boys to behave and I pulled out, smiling at him as I pulled away. Glancing at him through rearview mirror, I watched him watch us drive away.

I watched Nicholas through the mirror, staring out the window without a blink. I thought about his milestones, and how different they were from Tad’s. Nicholas was closer to five than four, and it took him that long to talk like Tad did at three. Tadpole could talk a million miles a minute by the time he was two and a half. Nicholas expressed what he wanted in one word until recently. Unless, of course, it was about a bridge. Did that mean something? Was his fascination with bridges due to a glitch in his brain, or was it really because he was so smart?

Tasks that came natural to Tad were hard for Nicholas. He needed step-by-step directions when told to do stuff. And a lot of times, Drew and I had to repeat them to him over and over, especially if it involved more than a couple steps.

Potty training was a nightmare, and I am embarrassed to say that Nicholas was four and still wearing diapers. When I finally had enough, I put the big boy pants on him and told him he had to pee in the potty. Nicholas went nine hours without going. I did this while Drew was at work, knowing he would make me give in and put the diaper on him to go. I felt horrible knowing his willpower was stronger than the urge for him to just sit on the potty.

I finally carried him to the potty, removed the turtle underpants, and told him he had to sit there until he went potty. I cried right outside the door while he cried “mommy” over and over for twenty minutes straight. My hand went to the doorknob a thousand times, wanting to make it stop. My willpower was stronger than I thought, and when I heard the silence, I prayed that he went.

“Mommy! I did it. I go pee!” he called. I don’t think Nicholas was as excited about anything as he was about his accomplishment. I made huge deal out of it, wanting to encourage him as much as possible. That didn’t mean there was anything wrong, did it? A lot of kids are later than others in certain things. Just because Tad was potty trained before two didn’t mean Nicholas wasn’t the same.

Nicholas hated anything to do with loud noises, too. Was that normal? Tad didn’t mind it. Drew had to take him to the car once when we went to watch fireworks back at the beach house. We either didn’t go, left Nicholas at home, or watched them on television. Tad loved it when I blasted the stereo in the car, singing to the top of my lungs to some Katy Perry or Pink song. Nicholas held his ears and cried. I hadn’t done that since Tad was like one.

Wondering of the reaction I would get now, I turned the radio on. “Cool song!” I playfully announced, cranking the radio to Lorde. I paid special attention to Nicholas’s reaction compared to Tad’s. Tad kicked his legs and wiggled like he was dancing. He was excited, but Nicholas held his ears. He didn’t cry. He looked like he was in immense pain. I shut it off.

“I don’t like that,” Nicholas informed me.

“Me do. Me do, Mommy,” Tad giggled from his seat.

“Why don’t you like it, bud?” I asked.

“It doesn’t feel good in my ears.”

“What does it feel like?” I questioned.

“Um, like a dynamite. Like blowing up the James Town Bridge,” he explained. That was a smart answer. He knew enough to compare how his ears felt like the dynamite that brought the bridge down. Maybe I just needed to take him to his regular doctor. We did have to call his name over and over to get his attention. This was probably nothing more than he was having trouble hearing or something. I was going to call his doctor once I laid them down for their naps. Right after I took something for this nightmare of a headache that was gaining strength as the minutes passed.

Nicholas laid right down for his nap. He always did. I never had to fight with him. Tad, on the other hand, got out of his bed four times before finally giving in to his three-year-old exhaustion.

Rubbing the bridge of my nose and then my temples, I tried to massage the pain away while my thumb swiped my phone in search of Dr. Playl.

“Yes, I need to make an appointment for my son,” I explained. After giving her the normal name, age, and date of birth, I explained to her what I was concerned about. Just the hearing part of it. I didn’t want to relate everything I was concerned about to a receptionist just there to set appointments.

She got him in for Friday. That would make Drew happy. I would have to cancel my Friday luncheon at Marbet’s. I closed my eyes after ignoring a call from Alicia. I would call her back, I promised myself, willing the pain in my forehead to disappear.

I didn’t argue too much about the appointment with Dr. Playl. Morgan was right about him not hearing you when you called his name. I wasn’t really concerned, though. I thought he was using his selective hearing, the way his dad did. There were lots of things I didn’t hear, especially if I was tuned into something else. But, if it made Morgan feel better, I was fine with it. She could take him to ease her mind. I was one hundred percent sure that my son was fine. He was too smart not to be.

“Drew, you don’t have to meet me. I can take him myself. They’re probably just going to do a hearing test or something,” Morgan explained, trying to get away from me in bed.

“Where you going? I want to go. I’ll meet you there at eleven thirty.”

“I’m going to make coffee, and you’re going to work,” Morgan argued, trying to get away from me. I wasn’t letting her up yet. “Drew, we don’t have time,” she added when I moved my hand between her legs. Victory was mine when she opened her legs for me. She could argue all she wanted, but I knew once I started rubbing her pussy, she was putty in my hands.

I knew I was treading on borrowed time. Tad would give me the few extra minutes I needed to please my wife and then myself. Nicholas wouldn’t. He would be at the door any second now.

“Just put it in me before Nicky comes,” Morgan coaxed, having the same trepidations that I did. I didn’t have a problem with that. I was more than ready to stick it in. My cock easily slid in her warm, wet pussy and I instantly moaned, feeling every inch of her. I didn’t care that she turned her head. I didn’t care about her morning breath. I turned it back and shoved my tongue between her lips. She responded, letting her tongue dance with mine while her hips met the thrust of my cock. I loved morning sex. Holy shit. I loved morning sex. I held her hands to each side of her head and stared down at her lustful expressions while my rod slid in and out.

“Fuck, Drew,” Morgan called. Shit. I hated when she did that. I wasn’t ready for it to be over with. Her hands tightening around mine, and the contractions tightening around my dick in quick quivers caused me to thrust in and spew with her.

“I love you,” I told her one second before Nicholas was at the door, calling for his mom. I looked down and slid in and out of her a couple more times.

“I love you, too, but you don’t have to leave work for this appointment. It’s not like he’s sick or anything.”

“I’m the boss. I promise I won’t get fired.”

“Fine. Get off me before Nicholas has a meltdown.”

“He’s fine, stop worrying about him,” I assured her, pulling her to her feet and planting one more kiss on her soft lips before opening the door to Nicky. I screamed and grabbed him, trying to be funny. He didn’t find it as funny. He was almost in tears. I lifted him to my shoulders and ducked, keeping him from hitting his head.

My day always went better when I started it inside my wife. Morgan was clingy, hanging on to me, kissing me, and rubbing her half-naked body against mine. I loved her like this. I held on to her, embracing the time. Times like these made it all worth it. I just wished they never ended. I wished real life would go away and I could keep us right here in the now. Unfortunately, that couldn’t happen. I had to get going. The meeting with a new dealer was too important to put on hold.

I said goodbye to my family, lifting a sleepy Tad up for a kiss. I relished the morning snuggles I got from him. That was the only time Tadpole was still enough to be cuddly. Morgan took him from me and kissed me again.

I had another one of those days. Luck was falling in my lap—my wife was happy and I couldn’t wait to see her. I loved when we were like this, and I loved when she canceled her play date with our slutty neighbor.

Morgan was waiting for me in the parking lot. I pulled right beside her and got the boys out of the car. She wasn’t as happy as when I left her, but she kissed me, and let me hold her hand while we walked. I didn’t ask what mishap soured her mood, deciding it was best just to move on.

Tad played, building a tower with a little boy Nicky’s age. The kid tried to get Nicky to play, but he looked away, ignoring the kid all together.

“My name is Charlie. Do you want to build a bridge with me?”

Nicholas looked like he was going to answer the kid, and then looked away, breaking eye contact. The kid bounced away and played with Tad instead.

“What?” I asked, looking to Morgan, who was staring at Nicholas.

“Nothing,” she replied, shaking her head.

Tad started to throw a tantrum when Nicholas’s name was called. He was building a tower first. I had to pick him up and whisper in his ear that people were watching him to get him to come quietly. He settled down once we entered the little examining room. I really don’t recall the exact steps things happened from there.

One minute, I was holding Nicholas on my lap, trying to find the hidden objects on the back of a Highlights magazine, and then next, I was looking to Morgan with a warning. I wanted her to shut her mouth and stop answering questions. Questions that I didn’t like. I felt like Morgan did nothing but gang up on Nicholas the whole time. She didn’t look concerned at all. She looked like someone having a normal conversation. This wasn’t a normal conversation. Far from it.

“Shouldn’t we be checking his hearing?” I interrupted. Morgan looked at me like I had just said the most ridiculous thing I could have thought of.

“Drew?” Morgan questioned.

“What? We made an appointment to have his hearing checked. I want his hearing checked,” I said, hearing the shake in my own voice.

“Drew, does Nicholas have any unusual fears?” Dr. Playl asked me rather than Morgan.

“No,” I lied, feeling the air slowly leave my lungs.

“He’s afraid to sleep anywhere but his own bed,” Morgan answered for me. That wasn’t even what I was thinking. I was thinking about his blanket. He was convinced that his blanket would die without him. He had to take care of it. It was cute to me when he argued about it every time we tried to take it, now I questioned what it truly meant. He always told me with so much conviction, like being right at the point of an emotional breakdown. And then there was the fear that I wouldn’t come home.

I’m not sure what that was about. I used to think it was the move to California, and my sudden absence during the day, but listening to the questions Dr. Playl was asking, caused me to wonder. Was that normal? Did all kids have a fear of their dad not coming home?

“Is he very interested in certain things, but excludes other things, Drew?” she asked me again. I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked at Morgan’s glassy eyes.

“Bridges,” I mumbled.

“Is he able to follow a string of instructions?”

“Does anyone in your family have a history of mental disorders?”

“Does he often ignore people who are talking to him?”

“Does he often repeat himself?”

I don’t remember the answers to the questions. I let Morgan do the talking until Dr. Playl said the words, Asperger’s Syndrome. I didn’t want them to make sense. I’m not sure what I was thinking, or what I was doing. I just knew I had heard enough. My son didn’t need to see a developmental pediatrician.

“Let’s go, Morgan,” I ordered, taking Nicholas from the paper covered table. Grabbing Tad’s hand, I ordered Morgan with my eyes.

“I’ll call to get the details,” Morgan said, betraying her own flesh and blood. That was the first time in years I had gotten angry enough to want to harm Morgan physically. This was all her fault. Had she not insisted we bring him here, he would still be the same Nicky he’d always been.

I walked out in front Morgan and buckled Nicholas in his seat, and then Tad, ignoring the looks Morgan was giving me. She didn’t speak one word. She just looked at me with a look that calmed my anger. My boiling blood cooled with the ice in her eyes. She was scared to death for our son and I was mad at her. I couldn’t face that. I couldn’t accept anything Dr. Fucking Playl said. What the hell did she know anyway? You can’t diagnose anything by asking a series of stupid fucking questions.

“I’ll see you later,” I said coolly.

“Drew?”

I didn’t stop. I blocked out the desperation in her voice and got in my own car. Not once did I look back. I left her standing there, scared and alone. Driving back downtown was a fog. I knew traffic was crazy and I was barely moving, but it was a blur. I didn’t really think anything. Nothing was on my mind. I went blank, totally blank.

My afternoon consisted of avoiding the internet. Asperger’s was magically placed in my search bar numerous times. Research was what I always did. I didn’t believe anything anyone said without my own education of the matter. I didn’t want to be educated on Asperger’s. I didn’t want to know anything about it. I had no reason to learn about it. Nicholas didn’t have that.

I blocked it out instead, working until five o’clock. I routinely drove home at the same time I did every day, high fived my boys at the door, and kissed my wife. Determined to make things better, I showered and joined my family for supper.

Morgan made chicken strips and macaroni and cheese. I was sure Nicky picked supper. Morgan and I avoided conversation, or at least I did. It was easier to listen to Nicholas tell me about the number of covered bridges in Pennsylvania—again. Tad jabbered something about something I could only agree with. I had no idea what he was saying.

“Squidward,” Morgan helped.

“Excuse me?”

“Squidward from SpongeBob. He’s trying to tell you Squidward fell and broke his tentacles.”

“That’s exactly what I thought he said,” I teased, looking across the table to Morgan. She didn’t smile. She was sad, lost, and hurting.

Everything would be fine. I told myself over and over to keep doing what we’ve always done. That’s what I did. I pretended nothing was wrong. Everything was fine. I even made love to Morgan before she rolled away from me and faced the window. Neither of us talked. I didn’t kiss her lips or her neck. I held her close and fucked her slowly, prolonging the intimacy as long as I could.

Not knowing what to say without bringing it up, I held her close to my chest, trying to tell her everything was okay without saying it. I knew I needed to talk to her, share her fears, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t about to accept any nonsense about my kid. Instead, I held her in my arms and tried to ignore the fact that she was crying. I let her cry without a word until she finally cried herself to sleep.

Breakfast was much of the same. Morgan made oatmeal and I ate with Nicky, changing the subject to something else when he wanted to talk about bridges. Tadpole was being a sleepyhead and I didn’t get to see him. I kissed Morgan and told her I loved her the way I always did.

The days Morgan and I avoided the conversation about our son turned into weeks. We both watched Nicholas a little closer, and I was doing my best to teach him why it wasn’t okay for him to get his way all the time. I noticed for the first time Nicholas couldn’t look at me. I always thought he did that to be a brat, just to push my buttons, but keeping his eyes on mine were impossible. He couldn’t do it, and I didn’t understand why.

“You haven’t been out with your friends in a while,” I stated to Morgan one evening in bed. We’d just laid down and turned the television to the news.

Morgan continued to put whatever that white stuff was on her face. She looked at herself through the mirror and not me like she normally did. She always talked to me through the mirror while she put on her night face.

“Yeah, Chelsea and I don’t really talk anymore,” she replied, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Why?” I asked, surprised and raising up a bit. Something had to have happened between them for them to just stop talking like that.

Morgan shrugged one shoulder and commenced brushing her hair. “I told her about Nicholas.”

“What about him?” I asked, swinging my legs over the bed to sit in a straighter stance, facing her.

“About what the doctor said. I thought I could talk to her about it, about my concerns.”

Although I was instantly pissed at her for running her mouth about our business to the neighbor bitch, I bit my tongue and played along. I knew what she was doing. This was her way to get me to talk about it, open up. Fuck that. She had no business talking to other people about our life. “So why aren’t you talking to her?”

Morgan shrugged the same shoulder. “It’s not me. She stopped talking to me. I think she’s afraid Nicky is going to give her kids something.”

I wasn’t pissed before. I was pissed now. I wanted to walk next door and twist her fucking neck off. “Why are you talking about our son with her?” I stood and walked slowly behind her, trying to calm my temper.

“Because I needed someone to talk to, Drew. We have to talk about this. Don’t tell me you haven’t done research on it. We need to take him to the developmental pediatrician.”

“He doesn’t need a developmental pediatrician, and you don’t need to be talking to anyone about anything. Do you understand, Morgan? Don’t fucking talk about our lives. You got it?” I bent behind her and glared at her through the mirror with a cold, threatening pierce. My hand went through her robe, over her shoulder and down her arm.

“Drew, we need to discuss this. You can’t live in denial forever,” she pleaded through her reflection.

My hand trailed her arm, over her right breast, and to her neck. Her fingers wrung my wrist when I tightened my grip, just a little. It wasn’t a hurtful action as much as it was a warning. “We clear?” I asked in a low tone. “No more talking to anyone about our son. Right?”

“Yes, Drew,” she replied, holding her breath. I let go when I realized I was scaring her. I spun into the bathroom and closed the door. I was seconds away from forcing Morgan to her knees. After turning the shower on, I stood under the hot water and tried to get rid of the hard-on pulsating between my legs. I really needed to call Deidra. The urges to go back seemed to get stronger as more shit was dumped in my lap. Shit that my wife didn’t have to create. I dropped my head to the shower tile and squeezed pre come to the head of my dick.

Thinking about things I was doing to my wife, I jerked off, visualizing her ass up in the air while I used a foreign object in it. Picturing the anal beads going in and out of her ass, I pumped my cock in my fist.

Morgan was clear to the edge of the bed and facing the window when I returned, feeling much better about my boundaries. That didn’t change the fact that I had no idea what to say to her. So I did what I had been doing. I didn’t say anything. I scooted close to her and placed my arm over her waist. She moved it and rolled to look at me.

“Is this where we are, Drew?”

“Where, Morgan?” I asked, exasperated with her. “Why do we have to be anywhere? Why can’t we just be here? Right here, alone in our bedroom. What is it you’re talking about without the games?”

“Games? I’m wondering why the fuck my husband has to jackoff in the shower when I am right here, and that means I’m playing games?”

“That’s not why I did that, Morgan. Why didn’t you say something, I would have pulled you in with me.”

“It was obvious you didn’t want me.”

“Like you would let me touch you anyway. You always play this game.”

“Are you serious right now? I withhold sex from you when I’m mad? That’s the only fucking time we have sex, Drew.”

“Oh, so every time you spread your legs and let me fuck you, it’s only because you’re mad at me.”

“You’re an ass. We don’t have to have sex at all. You’re free to beat off in the shower anytime you want,” Morgan yelled.

“Maybe I will. You think you’re the only female that has a pussy?”

“Of course, my high school boyfriend. Go there. Better yet, go find it somewhere else. See if I give a shit.”

Morgan rolled over, pushing my hand away from her, covered herself up to her neck, and curled in a little ball. I spat something else about not having sex and she ignored me, letting me have the last word. I hated when she did that. I would rather her be screaming profanities at me than ignoring me. It was a guy thing. I could pout and act like a high school boyfriend, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t supposed to be the one doing the ignoring.

I made sure I was up before Drew. I didn’t care if he never touched me again. I didn’t care about him getting off in the shower. He thinks I was born yesterday. I know what that was about. He was fighting demons. Demons that wanted to do things to me. I didn’t disclose the fact that I did the same thing after watching him. He didn’t need to know that part. The only thing this was about was Nicholas. Unlike my stubborn husband, I had been doing research.

I mixed up a bowl of pancake mix and twisted away from Drew when he came out dressed with Nicky on his back.

“Okay…” he said, getting it. Idiot. Like I was just going to wake up and pretend like he wasn’t depriving our son of getting the help he needed.

“Nicholas, we’re going to the Shakespeare Bridge today, remember?” I asked, pouring his pancake to the hot griddle. Drew pretended to listen to all the details about the Shakespeare Bridge while he glared at me.

“Do you think that’s a good idea? I thought you wanted him to take some interest in something else.”

“I’m sure. Do you want one or two pancakes?” I asked, staying clear of an argument. I was spending the day with my boys in Franklin Hills. I wasn’t going to be mad all day.

“Why didn’t you ask me to go?”

“You’ve got work. We’re just going to walk across the bridge and eat lunch someplace.” I knew that upset Drew. He would want to see the look on Nicholas’s face, witness his excitement. Dammit. Shit. I hated guilt.

“Do you want to go, Drew?” I asked, flipping his pancake.

“You don’t want me to.”

“I do, I want you to go to the bridge,” Nicholas had to help, shoving the guilt knife in a little deeper.

I wasn’t going to beg him and it was too early for Drew’s games. “Do you want to go or not, Drew?”

“No, I’ll go next time, okay, buddy? Daddy’s got work to do today.”

I sat alone with Nicky, eating his pancake. Drew kissed him on the cheek and told me he would see me later. I couldn’t remember the last time Drew left without kissing me goodbye. Yeah, I spun away from him earlier, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try. I rubbed the aching in my head and took a deep breath.

I didn’t like where we were and I didn’t know how to get away from it. Drew needed to own the fact that our son wasn’t like other five-year-old little boys. I got it. I knew he was hurt, I knew it was scary, but dammit, he was thinking about himself and not Nicholas. Wishing I hadn’t been so cold with Alicia, I felt an overwhelming longing for my friend. My true friend. The one that would hold Nicky in her arms and kiss every inch of his face. Not the one next door who was afraid my child would rub off on her kids. I wanted Alicia.

If she would just call me, I could swallow my pride and apologize for acting like such a stuck-up bitch. Birds of a feather really do flock together. When I was hanging around Chelsea and the other stuck-up women, I acted like them. When I was around Alicia, I acted like me, the true me. It wasn’t that I was afraid of Alicia saying I told you so. She would never do that. She would move on from there and tell me everything was going to be okay. If I needed to believe that at any time in my life. It was now.

I should have never let this many weeks go by without talking to her. Every day it got harder and harder to call. I knew Drew talked to Celeste, but I also knew he didn’t tell her what was going on. He wouldn’t even admit it to himself yet. Besides, Celeste would have told Alicia and I would have gotten an immediate phone call.

“Hey, you want to go to the beach house for a few days? Go see Grandma and Grandpa?” I asked across the table to Nicky. “Good morning, little man. Did you go potty?” I asked, scooting back for Tad to slide across my lap.

“Uh-uh, and we go to a bridge a day,” Tad remembered from the night before. I was surprised he remembered. I told him when he was seconds away from falling asleep.

“I don’t like to go there,” Nicholas assured me. I stood and moved Tad to my chair to get his pancake ready.

“Why not? Don’t you want to see Grandma and Grandpa?”

“Yes, but every time we go there, Aunt Licia takes my room. I don’t like sleeping on the couch. I’m not supposed to sleep on the couch.”

I smiled at Nicholas, understanding his dilemma more now. Everything in me knew that he had this thing called Asperger’s. I read about how children get upset when their routines are altered. It truly upset him. He wasn’t just being a brat. It devastated him, and made me feel like a horrible mom for not picking up on it.

“I don’t think their coming, but if they do, we’ll put her on the couch. Just you, me, and Tad.

“And Daddy,” Nicky announced, licking syrup from his fingers. Ugh. What a mess.

“Daddy has to work.”

“Well, he has to come with us to there,” Nicholas assured me. This was so hard. Was that a trigger for him, too? Did he need Drew to feel safe? I had to put Nicholas before Drew and go over his head with this specialist. I needed help with something I knew, with all my heart, my son was dealing with. Drew was just going to have to be mad and own up to the fact that our son was not perfect. I let it go when Tad started talking about the bridge.

Flipping Tad’s pancake, I smiled at my boys. Tad was sure he was going to see Spiderman at the bridge. Nicholas was informing him that Spiderman couldn’t be there, and slid right in on telling him all about the Shakespeare Bridge. I read about this. How children with Asperger’s syndrome fixate on one thing. We took it as a sign of genius. I guess it was in some sort of way. I could never remember the things Nicky remembered.

Just the day before, he sat on my lap and I read to him all about the Shakespeare Bridge while Tad napped on the sofa. Learning about a new bridge to Nicholas was like a new toy for Tad. Nicholas didn’t really care about toys, not like Tad did. He held them in his hand, but didn’t get on the floor and sound like a racecar or a boat motor the way Tad did.

Nicholas didn’t climb to the back of the sofa and jump off because he thought he was Superman. Tad did. Tad built skyscrapers, barked like a dog, crawled like a snake, swam like a shark, and whatever else his little imagination could come up with. Nicholas never did those things, but I never thought anything of that, either. I assumed he was too smart, and too much like his dad to be silly like Tad and me. He took after Drew.

Once Tad was settled in front of SpongeBob and Nicholas was settled watching the construction of the Golden Gate Bridge with my tablet and headphones, I dialed the doctor’s office.

I had to leave my name and number because the receptionist needed to talk to Dr. Playl before scheduling me. I was a little surprised when Dr. Playl herself was the one who called back.

“Hello, Mrs. Kelley. How are things?”

I knew she was asking about Nicholas, but I answered thinking about more than that. Drew would be furious if I went over his head and did this. “They’re strained. I need help.” Jesus. No. Not the doctor. I didn’t even know this woman. Why on earth did this emotional breakdown come with her? Maybe because she’s the only one that knew. Maybe because I was more like Drew than I wanted to admit.

I could have talked to someone. I had a mother who would be on the next plane if I wanted. I had Alicia who would walk through fire for me. I had Celeste who would knock the hell out of anyone I wanted, and I had Drew. I had Drew who wouldn’t talk to me about it. I had Drew who had been living in denial for the past few weeks. I had Drew who left for work without a kiss, or an I love you.

“I’m going to send you in the right direction. Let’s get him seen by the developmental pediatrician before we go too far. There are a lot of resources, Mrs. Kelley. Kids live normal lives with this disorder every day.”

I listened to the motivational speech from Dr. Playl, holding back sobs as I silently cried, tears streaming down my face.

The specialist Dr. Playl suggested was on vacation and the earliest appointment I could get was nine days away. I was okay with that. I wanted to take the boys and go to my mom’s for a few days anyway, maybe crawl back to my friend on my hands and knees and beg her to come with me. I couldn’t do this alone, and if my husband wasn’t going to be there for the support than that was on him. Not me. I had people who cared about me. I didn’t need him.

Although I knew he wouldn’t show, part of me wished he would. I looked around the bridge many times, hoping to see Drew. He never showed. The boys and I ate pizza by the bridge and walked through the park before heading home early in the evening. Drew would make it home before we did. That never happened.

I could see the anger in his eyes when we entered the house. Nicholas ran to his lap, excited to tell him about the giant bridge. Tad stuttered around, too, wanting to tell him that Spiderman didn’t show up. Nicholas pushed him out of the way, wanting the attention from his dad.

“Hey, don’t push your brother. Go play for a minute and let Daddy talk to Mommy for a minute. You can tell me all about it at supper.”

Drew looked over his shoulder at the boys, making sure they weren’t looking. He grabbed my arm hard and shoved me toward the kitchen.

“What the fuck, Morgan?” he yelled in a quiet, but stern tone. It was a yell even if his voice wasn’t elevated. “We’re not doing this. We’re not playing this fucking game. All you’re doing is adding fuel to the fire. It’s bullshit.”

“I don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about, Drew. If you don’t want to play games, then dealing me aces. Say what you want to say without a fucking guessing game,” I yelled right back with the same quiet tone, jerking my arm away from his. He pushed me back with his chest, sending my back to the counter while he spoke above me.

“You taking off all day and being gone when I get home just to be a bitch. That’s what I am talking about.”

“Of course it is. Forget the fact that once again, you have to make it about Drew. Forget the fact that it had absolutely nothing to do with you. I told the boys at four o’clock we needed to go. They wanted to walk across one more time. I let them. YOU! Never crossed my mind while I let them do something fun, something they wanted to do.”

The next silent fight came at the dinner table. I ordered Chinese. That pissed him off. I let the boys have soda. That pissed him off. I made Nicholas use his spoon, over and over and over. That pissed him off. And then Nicholas had to go and blab his honest little mouth.

“We’re going to the beach house and you can’t come. You have to work. Aunt Licia is going to sleep on the couch, right Mom?” he announced. I closed my eyes when I heard Drew’s fork hit the plate. He got up and walked away to keep from saying anything. Thanks, Nicky…

We bathed the boys in two different bathrooms. Tad played in my bathtub while Drew had Nicky in their bathroom down the hall. That’s how the entire evening went. Drew ignored me, and I ignored him. We didn’t sit close on the couch with legs and arms tangled from our family the way we normally watched television. He sat on the end of the sofa with Nicholas and I sat on the loveseat with Tad. We did glance at each other, but that was about it. My glares shot back at him as fast as he gave them to me. And I dreaded going to bed with him.

I was hoping Nicholas would keep him up for a while after I carried sleeping Tad to bed. I kissed Nicky on the head and told him I loved him. He moved his head, wanting me to stop blocking his view and I walked away, purposely avoiding eye contact with Drew.

Laying in the dark room, I rubbed the back of my neck and felt the pain pill kick in. My pain wasn’t bad enough for the pill, but it helped with other things. Things like dealing with my husband who thought it was normal to flip the light on when he knew I was sleeping. I ignored him. Asshole. He left it on while he showered and crawled in bed beside me.

“I don’t understand why you think it’s okay to suddenly make plans without consulting me first,” he started from his side of the bed.

I wasn’t feeling angry with him anymore. I was feeling relaxed from my narcotics. I could tell him until I was blue in the face that I didn’t mean to do it that way. I merely asked Nicholas what he thought about it. I hadn’t made one definitive plan. Drew would never believe that, though. It was easier for him to believe I was trying to connive or be sneaky or some stupid assumption. I wasn’t going to argue with him.

“Drew, I won’t go. It’s no big deal.”

“Sure, you won’t go, and then you’ll throw it back in my face later that I wouldn’t let you go.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Am I?”

I made sure Drew heard the frustrated breath, but I didn’t reply. I knew he

needed something from me. I just didn’t know what it was. I didn’t know how to ease his trepidations any more than I knew how to ease my own. So Drew did what Drew does, and I let him. Maybe it made us both fucked up, but nonetheless it’s what we did, what we knew, and what brought us back together.

Not one word was exchanged while Drew stripped me of my clothes and then ate me out. Not one word was spoken when I forced my body over his lap, needing to feel his burning hands on my ass. Not one word was mumbled while I took his cock in my ass bent over the vanity chair, and not one word was spoken when I parted my lips and I let him come in my mouth. We fucked, sucked, and screwed in every possible positon without one single syllable.

I fell asleep, lost in Drew’s arms…again, without a word.

I knew I was hurting Morgan, but dammit, she was hurting me, too. I didn’t understand why everything had to be a game with her? I had been walking on eggshells ever since that stupid fucking doctor ever suggested such a ridiculous thing. We were fine, and if Morgan would have just let it go, we could have kept being fine. I hated the tension she was causing between us. It was almost Halloween and I had been dealing with it all summer. Something had to give. And soon.

I’m not putting all the blame on Morgan. I knew it wasn’t all her, but I did feel like she kept it going. Like she enjoyed the flame. I knew how messed up it was that I fucked her the way I did. The way she and I both reacted to each other in bed. We could express things there that we couldn’t in broad daylight. And to be perfectly honest, I think we both needed to feel that connection to keep going.

It wasn’t that I minded her going to the beach house for a couple days at all. I actually thought it might do us some good to get away from each other for a couple days. It was the part about her not wanting me with her was the problem. Not once did she say, Drew, come with me. I need you. She was fine without me. Maybe that’s what scared me the most. Knowing she could be fine without me. I didn’t want her to be fine without me. I wanted her to be lost without me the way I was without her.

I tried my best to let her go and think I didn’t care. That it wouldn’t bother me one bit if she was gone, but I couldn’t do it. My plan was to go to work and not say a word to her the day she left. I made it until an hour before I knew she would be leaving and sent her a text.

Drew—Morgan?

Morgan—Yeah?

Drew—I <9 you.

Morgan—I <999 you.

Drew—always gotta be on top. Don’t leave me.

Morgan—I’m not leaving you, Drew. We need help.

Drew—I’ll call Deidra again.

Morgan—Not Deidra. Deidra can’t help us. I love <3 you. I’ll call you later if you want me to.

Drew—Of course I want you to. I <83433934323 you!!!

Morgan—94544104534

I laughed when I saw every number I used except for being one digit higher. I didn’t want them to go.

I spent most of my evening alone in my office, dreading the thought of going home to an empty house. I thought about Morgan and the boys constantly, wondering if I was doing the right thing. What if I was depriving Nicholas of something he needed? No. No. I wasn’t. There was nothing wrong with Nicholas. Just because he liked bridges instead of baseball didn’t mean shit. My kid was probably smarter than most five-year-olds out there. And he wasn’t even quite five yet.

I spent the rest of my time looking for a new bridge replica for Nicholas’s upcoming birthday. I knew he was too young for it, but I could help him. I ordered him a very expensive K-Next building kit. It was sold in the train section for those train towns people make in their basements. Nicholas would love it. He didn’t have a suspension bridge yet.

After heating up leftovers Morgan left labeled for me in the refrigerator, I dialed Morgan.

“Hey, talk to Nicky for a minute. Tadpole had an accident.”

“What happened?” I asked, concerned.

“Nothing, Drew. He had an accident in his pants.”

Morgan’s voice never came back on the phone. I talked to Nicholas for as long as his attention span allowed. Morgan never called back after he hung up. I tried to make myself call her after I knew the boys would be asleep, but I couldn’t. She could call me just as easily as I could call her.

We did speak briefly the next day, but not about anything. The boys playing in the water was the only reason she even talked to me, I was sure.

“Is Alicia coming?” I asked, trading trivial conversation with my wife.

“No. I picked a bad week to come. Celeste is out of town and Vince has school.”

“Well, that’ll give you time to spend with your mom.”

“No. Like I said, I picked a bad week. They’re booked and short staffed. She’s busy. It’s fine. The boys and I are just fine by ourselves.”

“That was below the belt,” I accused. Like I needed to hear her tell me she didn’t need me. I felt it without her admitting to it.

“That’s not what I meant, Drew.”

“Really? How did you mean it? How else would you like to say it, Morgan?”

“I’m not doing this. You make an issue out of nothing every time I try to talk to you.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t talk to me.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right. I’ll let the boys call you later.”

“Morgan!” I called out a second too late. Dammit. I didn’t want to do that. That was not my intention.

I walked out to the patio with a strong drink and my phone, just in case she called back. She didn’t. Four mixed drinks and three shots later, she was still on my mind. Looking at the time on my phone, I slumped in the lounge chair more. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep without telling her I loved her. However, I couldn’t believe she let the boys call me without so much as one word. She hung up as soon as Tad was finished talking to me.

My thumb rested on her name, keeping the light from shutting off on my phone. I wondered if she was thinking about me, or if I was the furthest thing from her mind. I jumped, startled when my phone rang and Morgan’s close-up smiled at me from my phone. I wasn’t expecting her to sound like that. I shouldn’t have let her go alone. I should have known she was ready to break. I had all the signs. Fuck. I was so fucking stupid.

“Drew,” she cried with a shaky voice, shattering my heart. I needed to be there. I needed to hold her and tell her we were okay, that our son was okay.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“I don’t know. I just need you, Drew.”

“I’m at least six hours away, baby. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

“What happened to us, Drew? Why aren’t we holding each other up right now?”

“I’m sorry, Morgan.”

“Stop being in denial, Drew. You’re making it out to be a death sentence for all of us and it’s not. People live with autism every day,” she cried in my ear. I knew I should say something comforting, but I couldn’t. She just labeled my son and I didn’t like it. Nicholas wasn’t a statistical number.

“You’re making it out to be the death sentence for us. Why can’t you let it go, Morgan? Why can’t we just go back to being us, before you put a label on my son?” I listened to the exasperated sigh, trying to calm down. Morgan was sad and upset. I wasn’t trying to be a dick. It just came out that way.

“Okay, Drew. Have it your way. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Morgan, no. Don’t hang up,” I begged, hoping I wasn’t too late.

“This isn’t helping, Drew. Let’s just talk tomorrow.”

“I don’t want to hang up. I want you to be here with me. I’m sorry. Don’t hang up.” I had to call her name again to see if she was still there. Morgan didn’t know what to say any more than I did. “Morgan?”

“I’m here.”

“Do you want me to come there?”

“No, it’s okay. I’m fine. I think I may have had a little too much to drink. It just made me think deeper than I should be.”

“Hmm, I did the same thing,” I admitted. I was careful with everything I said from there on out. I knew one wrong word could set either of us off. I treaded lightly, smiling and listening to Morgan talk about the boys. We both made trivial small talk and avoided the conversation we should have been having. I half listened to Morgan talking about her mother’s bed and breakfast, and how busy they were. I didn’t care about that. My family was broken and I wanted my wife. I wanted my son to be like every other little boy. It wasn’t fair.

Morgan didn’t deserve this, and Nicholas sure as hell didn’t deserve it. If this was karma trying to get even with me for things I had done, it was enough already. Karma needed to fuck with me, not my family.

“We’re okay, Morgan. I swear,” I quietly promised before saying goodnight.

“We have to do this, Drew.”

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, take care of my boys.”

“I love you, too. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I begged Morgan to bring the boys and come home for the next three days. She kept telling me maybe the next day. I finally decided to say fuck it and go to her. Luckily, the charter service I used for a private plane had a two-hour guarantee to have me in the air.

“Oh hey, Drew,” my neighbor called from her front yard when I stopped at the end of the drive to grab the mail. I wasn’t overly friendly with Chelsea. I rudely flipped my mail when she walked toward me.

“Hello, Chelsea,” I nodded. I hated that bitch.

“Hi, I’ve been watching the house for Morgan. I wanted to tell her we had enough help for the bake sale.”

“She’s not home. I’ll tell her. Is there a reason her help is no longer needed?” I condescendingly asked.

“Oh, you know. We just don’t think it’s a good idea. We don’t want the other kids to be afraid or feel uncomfortable.”

“And you’re afraid Morgan will scare your kids?”

The bitch actually chuckled. “Of course not. Morgan told me about Nicholas. It’s okay, I understand. My heart goes out to you both.”

“Yeah, and mine goes out to your stuck-up, narrow-minded, narcissistic ass. Have a good day, Chelsea,” I replied with a nod, flicking my mail to her with my wrist. Her hand instantly covered her mouth in shock. Stupid fucking bitch. I should have given Morgan permission to deck her, and let the boys piss on her ankles.

I left work at one, I was in the air by two, and on the ground six hours later. I hated knowing the boys would be asleep before I got there.

I should have stayed at home. Just when I thought no more distance could possibly come between us, something happened to push us further away from each other. The thought to call Morgan before I came never crossed my mind.

I walked into the house from the garage, to the glass doors and the silhouette on the deck. Looking around, I noticed the opened bottle of vodka and the bottle of prescription pills opened beside it. After looking in on both of my sleeping boys, I closed the pill bottle and glanced at the label. Four refills, four of four. The bottle was dated two weeks before and she had already filled the bottle four times. Why didn’t I know this? Was this something I needed to be concerned about? I don’t think you’re supposed to drink while on Lortab.

My first reaction was to be pissed at her. She was abusing prescription pills and drinking while my boys slept. Hell no. Fuck no. I was pissed. I was pissed right up until the time opened the door and saw her crying. Fuck.

Kneeling in front of her, Morgan latched on like she was holding on for dear life. I held her, not saying one word while she sobbed in the crook of my neck. I’m sure at least ten minutes went by with Morgan weeping in my arms. Why did I keep doing everything all wrong? How the hell was I supposed to fix this?

I kissed Morgan’s puffy eyes and lips, holding her face in my hands. “What happened?”

“Nothing happened. I just—I can’t—I don’t want…”

“Shhh, slow down. Stop crying. I can’t understand a word you’re saying. What’s wrong, baby?”

“Everything is wrong, Drew. Nothing is right. I can’t do this by myself. I need you.”

“I’m right here, Morgan. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Stop fucking doing that,” she yelled, standing. “Stop fucking pretending like everything is okay. You can’t ignore it and make it go away, Drew.”

“Are you hooked on pain pills?”

“What?” she asked, changing the flailing armed attitude to hands on her hips in shock. I didn’t know what else to say. I was tired of her constantly wanting to bring up Nicholas.

“He’s the same today as he was yesterday, and last week, and last year. Why isn’t that good enough for you anymore?” I asked, feeling the emotions shift to anger.

“Drew, I don’t know how to get through to you. He’s sick. He needs help, and I can’t help him if you continue to live in denial.”

“I’m not living in denial, Morgan. I don’t know why you’re so quick to jump on this bandwagon.”

“Just get online and research it, Drew. That’s all I’m asking. Please,” Morgan begged.

“I don’t need to research it, Morgan. Can’t you stop with this? Please,” I begged in the same tone she had.

“He needs help, and you’re keeping him from it. I’ll shut up. I’m going to bed.”

I hated the mellow tone in her voice. “Fuck!” I yelled, watching her walk away, slamming my fist into the side of the house. That was it. I gave the fuck up. What was the point?

The time at the beach house fucking sucked. Morgan walked around like I didn’t exist, except for when the sun went down. At which time she didn’t have a bit of a problem spreading her legs for me. I spent the next three days playing with my NORMAL boys, wishing hours to pass so I could be intimate with Morgan. We walked around each other like we were afraid to be in the same room and then released the day’s tension at night. It was as fucked up as it always had been.

The night before we were to fly out, I was checking emails when I noticed Nicholas’s package shipped. I looked up to Morgan, reading with one pajama boy on each side of the sofa. I smiled at her animated tone, trying to sound like a grizzly bear.

I continued to listen to the story and the boys laugh at their mom while pretending to be busy on my laptop.

“Mom, can we make rice crispy treats?” Nicholas asked as soon as Morgan said the end. I loved how she said the end. She was so dramatic, always sounded like it truly was the end. Morgan smiled at me with her eyes and closed the book. I listened to her as she tried to reason with Nicholas.

Right at that moment is when the pop up on my computer caught my eye. Right at that moment is when Morgan’s words rang in my head, the end, the end, the end. Right at that moment is when I knew I had to fix this. I had to do something before it was the end.

“It’s too late for that. Let’s go brush our teeth,” Morgan coaxed.

I closed out the real estate ad, ignoring the prime property for a new store. “I think that’s a brilliant idea,” I called over the table to my family. Morgan slid the sleeping Tadpole from her arm and he curled in a little ball. I hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep.

“We’ll make Rice Crispy treats tomorrow,” Morgan countered, ruffling Nicky’s hair.

“Can we, Dad?” Nicky asked, turning to me. Of course, I looked to Morgan for the answer. We were usually pretty good when it came to not overruling one another. Not in front of each other anyway.

“Can we, Mom?” I asked in my cutest little kid voice. She smiled. That was all I needed. My baking attempt with my son and my wife was supposed to be fun. Morgan had to ruin it by constantly pointing out the problems my son had. I didn’t need her to do that.

“Okay, Nicky, get us a pan, a measuring cup, the cereal, and the marshmallows,” she clarified, smiling down at his excitement. Nick remembered the pan, and she had to tell him what next. He remembered the cereal, but no matter which way Morgan tried to put it, he couldn’t remember the marshmallows.

She continued to make him look like an imbecile as she gave him instructions even I couldn’t understand. And yes, it was pissing me off. I hated the way she looked at me with her patronizing stares every time he couldn’t remember what step was next. He wasn’t even five for fucks sake.

I was glad Drew was there. I was happy he was there to pick me up while I was having my disastrous event. He just so happened to show up right after an hour conversation with Alicia. I told her everything and groveled at her feet for forgiveness. I needed Alicia in my life. I didn’t need Chelsea in my life.

I wasn’t trying to make Drew mad at all. I was simply pointing out the things Drew refused to see. By the time Nicholas was pressing the sticky mess into the glass pan, Drew was glaring at me. I give up.

Frustrated, I ignored Drew’s glares. I cleaned up while he helped Nicholas finish what he thought would be an icebreaker and fun, family time. Leaving them alone, I took two pills from my purse and poured a glass of wine. A hot bath was a better idea than this. Drew was so closed-minded he wasn’t going to get anything that I was trying to convey to him.

“Does your head hurt?” he asked, washing Nicholas’s hands and lifting him to the floor.

“No, why?” I asked, confused.

“What are you taking those for? The bottle says for pain. Where’s your pain?”

“Don’t worry about it, Drew. Are you putting him to bed?” I defensively asked, not about to go there with him. I caught the accusation full force. What an ass. The point in me even responding was stupid. He was only going to hear what he wanted anyway.

The dirty look was the only response he got. My glare shot straight through Drew’s head when I knelt to kiss Nicky on the head. My arm automatically jerked away when Drew grabbed my wrist. “Let go,” I ordered, trying to talk natural in front of Nicky. The thick tension in the air was felt like a ton of bricks. Drew felt it, I felt it, and I’m sure Nicholas felt it, too. He was busy getting his fingers sticky again, talking about needing to press here, and here, but he did look up once. Drew opened my fisted hand, finger by finger, his eyes landing on the two speckled blue pills at the same time mine did.

“Don’t even go there, Drew,” I warned, pulling away from him.

“Why are you taking them if your head doesn’t hurt?”

“They help me relax. Put Nicky to bed. Night, little man,” I said, kissing his head again. “Drew, stop. I’m fine,” I pleaded when he secured the same wrists by tightening his grip. I stared at him, taking his hands from the firm hold he had around my arm the same way he did. Finger by finger.

Swallowing the two pills with red wine, I waited for the hot water and the scent of papaya passion to fill my tub. Zoning out on the image staring back at me, I wondered how much more. I get the old saying, things usually get worse before they get better, but come on. Enough already. I really didn’t know at that point whether Drew and I would make it. I put him before Nicky once. That hurt me. This one was hurting Nicky and no matter how much I loved Drew. I had to put Nicky first.

I hadn’t even realized I’d been in a zone. “Your water’s full,” Drew said from the door. I turned and shut the water off. Drew dropped the lid and straddled the toilet with his elbows on his knees and his fingers entwined. Adding one more tap to the nail, I wondered when I had started feeling uncomfortable about taking my close off in front of him. It was awkward and I didn’t understand why. Drew was the only person who had ever seen me at my most vulnerable. This made no sense.

“Did you want something?” I asked, hiding my naked breasts beneath the soft, fragrant bubbles.

“Do you need help, Morgan?”

“I’m not doing this, Drew,” I swear that became a record around him. I’m not doing this, Drew.

“Morgan, you’re on the fourth refill in two weeks. One bottle should last you a month or better. That worries me.”

“You have bigger things to worry about. You don’t need to worry about me being one of those moms on 20/20. I’m fine.” I wanted to keep going, tell him we should be talking about Nicholas, and maybe that’s what he should be worried about. I didn’t. There was still a big part of me that was afraid of the Drew I hadn’t seen in a while. I knew he was still in there. I knew he was capable of coming out and I let it go there. Normally, I could tell when I was about to set him off. This one felt different, worried.

“I’m concerned, Morgan.”

“Well, you’re concerned about something you don’t need to be concerned about.” I ducked my head, trying to drown out my husband’s presence, and not freak out about something I didn’t need to be freaking out about. I didn’t have a problem. I wasn’t addicted to pain pills. I could stop taking them whenever I wanted. As soon as this appointment was over with Nicholas, I would. I wouldn’t take them anymore unless I needed them.

“Did you carry Tad to bed?” I asked, trying to elude to anything too deep. It didn’t take much to set one of us off these days. I knew we were both treading lightly. I just didn’t know what to do about it. We tried the phone sessions with Deidra. I refused to do it after the second time. What was the point in seeking counseling if I wasn’t allowed to be honest, say what I thought the problem was, and let her decide how to get through to Drew? She couldn’t. She knew nothing about Nicholas. Drew wouldn’t let me tell her. I had an inkling that Drew was still talking to her, but I wasn’t sure. If he was, it was at the office and I was never allowed to see his phone. Who knew what the hell he did?

Avoiding any form of eye contact, I bathed and washed my hair. Drew gave up with a heavy sigh and left to take care of Tad, who I knew was still asleep on the couch.

I quickly got out, rushing to be dressed and in bed by the time Drew returned. I almost made it. My hair stayed wrapped in towel while I disregarded Drew and turned down the covers. He pretended to do the same, retrieving clothes for his own shower.

“I was hoping you were still in the tub. I was going to join you.”

“Yeah, I’m tired. I’m just going to read for a little bit,” I countered, knowing he wanted me to say I could come back. I couldn’t. I wasn’t feeling it. The only thing I was feeling was stoned off my ass. Two glasses of wine and two Lortabs was all I needed. Yes, that makes me sound like a druggy, but it wasn’t like that. It just helped me deal with everything a lot better than without it.

I didn’t remember Drew coming to bed. I remembered reading about two lines of a book I’d been wanting to finish, and that’s it. I remembered kissing him back, or did I kiss him first? Regardless of how fuzzy things seemed to be in the morning, I knew Drew and I had some pretty amazing sex. I know I straddled him backward, sucked him off, took it up the ass, and sat on his face. I knew I did all those things with immense passion and pleasure. I just didn’t recall the steps. It came back in intervals the following morning.

I laid perfectly still in Drew’s arms when I woke before him, secured and closed in his arms. My thumb swiped the tear while I lay listening to him breathe, sound asleep. It wasn’t going to stay like this. We would be at each other’s throats before noon. It was becoming the norm with us. Fight. Fuck. Repeat. Fight. Fuck. Repeat.

“Why are you crying?”

Okay, maybe he wasn’t sleeping. I lay still, not moving, trying to pull off a false sleep. My breath caught in my lungs and the lump in my throat wouldn’t go down with any of the three swallows. I didn’t want to start the day like this.

“I’m not, crying,” I assured Drew, trying to spin out of his arms and get up.

He held on to me. “Please don’t shut me out, Morgan. Tell me what’s going on. I can’t make it better if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

That pissed me off. Drew knew it when I shoved him away and got up. Really? Don’t shut him out? What the fuck did he expect? I wasn’t supposed to shut him out, but I wasn’t allowed to talk about what we needed to be talking about. Oh my god. Did he really just do that? What he was really saying was, ‘Tell me what I want to hear, and pretend everything is okay.’ Fuck that. Fuck his fucked up perception of what the problem was.

I brushed my teeth, screaming everything I wanted to say to him in my head. That was my moment of weakness. That was the moment I realized I may have a problem. The noise was silent when I shook the empty bottle.

“What the hell, Morgan? Will you talk to me?”

I walked out of the bathroom, hiding the bottle in a fist and shot Drew a look that he read, well, leave me the hell alone. Drew knew as well as I did, we were about to start our day yelling at each other. He shut up, and I shut down. The pills weren’t on the windowsill anymore. Drew did something with them. I don’t know how to really explain it, but I was scared. I was terrified that I didn’t have them. Now what? I couldn’t go ask him for them.

No. I was fine. Nothing hurt, and there was no reason for me to have a painkiller. I started coffee and walked to peek in on the boys. I knew Tadpole was still sleeping. He would have already woken us if he were up. Nicholas may or may not be. I’ve told him a thousand times he didn’t have to wait for me to come get him when he woke up, but most of the time he did. Unless I yelled for him from the kitchen, he would be sitting on his bed, flipping the pages of a giant picture book of bridges. Drew ordered it for him two years ago, and he still looked at it every morning.

“Watcha doing?” I asked, dropping to my knees by his bed. My torso looked over his book and I growled, lunging at his neck with my sharp teeth. I grabbed him with big bear claws and pinned him to the mattress. His laughter was instantly contagious when my chin met his ribs, sending him into a laughing frenzy.

“MooOoom!” he giggled, begging me to stop.

“What do you want for breakfast?” I asked, kissing his exposed belly and blowing noisy raspberries. He cackled.

“I want, I want,” Tad stuttered from the door.

Forming an O with my mouth, I looked shockingly at Nicholas. “Pretend you’re a sleep,” I coaxed, closing my eyes. I grabbed Tadpole in the same, tickling bear hug when he didn’t fall for it.

I rolled one turn to the foot of the bed and listened to Nicholas tell his little brother about a bridge in his book. He was so serious about it.

“I gonna go on dat bridge,” Tad decided, pointing to the swinging bridge.

“You can’t go there, Tad. It’s an ancient bridge. It’s not there anymore. Right, Mom?” Nicholas looked to me for help.

“Yeah, sure,” I said, having no clue if the bridge was ancient or not.

“I can be Spiderman. Then me can,” Tad assured his big brother, sticking out his puny little chest. Oh god, he was a spitting image of his dad. Nicholas would rather argue with Tadpole than let it go. Nicholas didn’t care. He could have turned the page and told him he could go on that bridge, or that one, but that would have been too easy.

“No, you can’t, Tadpole. It’s not there anymore. It’s the Ballasted Bridge in South Africa. Spiderman can’t go back in time.”

“Me can,” Tad assured him. I caught him just in time by one leg. Nicky pushed him in the chest, sending him to the floor.

“That wasn’t very nice. You could have hurt your brother,” I lectured.

“Well, him can’t go to a bridge that is from a long time ago. Even if he was Spiderman.”

“He’s three, Nicky. He’s little. He doesn’t know that. You have to be nice and explain it to him. I think you should tell Tadpole you’re sorry,” I persuaded. Nicky put his head down and turned the page in his book.

“Tell Tadpole you’re sorry for pushing him, Nicholas. If you can’t say you’re sorry, I’m going to make you stay in your room until I have breakfast ready. Don’t you want to come out and be with Daddy?”

“Come on, sport. Daddy already has breakfast cooking,” Drew said, lifting Nicholas over my head. Sure he did. Fruit Loops didn’t count as cooking. I stared after Drew as he carried Nicholas out, and then made Tadpole go to the potty. He assured me he already went, but the constant pinching between his legs told me differently. This is why Drew and I fought every day. Who the hell did he think he was? I walked to the kitchen windowsill, knowing there was nothing there.

We finally got to spend some time with my mom, Caroline, and Jason that day, but it was much of the same. Drew and I talked like nothing was wrong and we sucked at it. My mother knew five minutes after we entered her kitchen. I blew it off and told her we just had an argument. I had planned on talking to her, telling her everything, and hearing her advice, but I was starting to panic. I was going to have to ask Drew for my pills. I didn’t want to do that. It was strong, consuming everything around me.

I couldn’t enjoy the boys, have a conversation with my mother, or talk to my little sister about the next hot pop song—probably something from Taylor Swift. She loved her. I couldn’t do anything but think about taking a Lortab. Just one. That’s all I needed.

We laid the boys down for a nap after dinner at my mom’s and Drew and I walked out to the deck with a glass of wine. I didn’t care what I had to do. I needed my pills. Who was he to tell me what I needed, what was best for me? I could decide that myself.

My first thought was to seduce him. That would mean intimacy, though. I was trying to avoid anything that might hurt. I wasn’t sure I could handle the rejection without a pill. Drew walked down the steps and to the beach when he got a business call. I listened for a minute, and then darted inside. Where would he have hid them? I frantically looked through anything of his in our room, looking for the bottle.

Where the fuck were they? They were nowhere to be found. I checked shoes, coat pockets, dresser draws, and even the gray lounge pants that were folded across the foot of the bed.

“They’re in my pocket, Morgan,” Drew spoke from the door. Damn. The tone he used wasn’t condescending, hurtful, or meant to make me mad. It was defeated. Drew sounded defeated. I dropped his pants and turned to him.

“Drew, my head is killing me. Give them to me,” I begged.

“I don’t believe you. I think you’re jonesing and you need your fix.” I took a step back when Drew moved toward me. “Look at yourself, Morgan. You’re a hot, fucking mess. When the hell did this happen? Why didn’t I know about it?”

“There’s nothing wrong, Drew. Just give me the fucking bottle.”

“Look at your hands. Look how you’re talking. You’ve been this way all day.”

I jerked my shaking hands from Drew, trying to figure out what the hell to say to get that bottle. I didn’t care what Drew was accusing me of. He could call it what he wanted. I just wanted the bottle.

“I’m only giving it to you because I am terrified that you’re hooked on these things, but you’re getting help,” Drew ordered, handing me one. I didn’t want one. I wanted two.

“Give me the bottle,” I demanded, dry swallowing the one pill.

“No, I’m not going to give you the bottle. Is there anything you want to pack? I need to get back to the store.”

“Go.”

“No, I’m not going without you. Get ready so we can head out as soon as the boys wake up.”

“Well, since they’re sleeping, we may as well take advantage of it,” I proposed, sliding my arms around his neck. Drew ran his hands seductively up my arms and to my wrists, and leaned in to kiss me.

His words touched my lips, without a kiss. “Do you still want me to fuck you if I tell you you’re not getting the bottle?”

Well hell.

“Let’s just get through this next week and then we’ll talk about me.”

“So that’s a no? What’s next week?”

“Nicky’s appointment with the developmental pediatrician.”

Morgan and I didn’t speak five words to each other in three days. We didn’t even look at each other. Unless it had to do with the boys, we didn’t communicate. We didn’t talk about the new bottle of pills Morgan seemed to have found while getting her hair done, and we didn’t talk about Nicholas. Who the fuck did she think she was to do this? She was ruining everything because she wanted a goddamn label on our son.

The closer it got to Thursday, the closer I got to snapping. I stayed away from home until I knew the chaos of supper, baths, and bedtime started. I felt like the very foundation we were standing on was crumbling around us. And I couldn’t do one thing about it. Nothing. The lump in my throat matured as the time neared. It was all closing in on me. Thursday was there before I knew it, and I had to make a decision.

Was I going to let Morgan go through with this? And if I was, was I going to let her do it alone? I read to Nicholas and Morgan read to Tadpole. Hers took about five minutes. I was glad Morgan felt the need to be close to Nicky. It allowed some of the building tension to ease. Morgan slid in behind Nicholas and wrapped him in her arms with a loud cheek kiss. Nicholas wiped it away and smiled, happy to be with his mommy.

Our eyes caught in a trance briefly before turning my attention back to the story. Every time Nicholas stopped me to ask a question, our eyes met again. I was to the last three pages, ten more minutes and my little man sold me out for sleep. I wanted that ten minutes. I wanted to feel my son between me and his mommy. I didn’t want either of us to leave. So, I continued to read.

“Drew?” Morgan quietly spoke.

I kept reading. “Bartholomew the troll didn’t want the new park. He didn’t want little kids tromping across his bridge.”

“Drew?” Morgan said again, placing her hand over the words. My eyes drifted to her wedding band and I wondered what it all meant. Why? Why would anyone want to go through this thing called life? We do it for love. There is no other explanation on earth that explains why any of us would choose to do this had we been given a choice. You spend your entire life trying to be better for the ones you love. The ones who hurt you the most. I wouldn’t have signed up for this. None of it.

“I don’t want you to take him, Morgan,” I finally responded. Morgan moved the book and placed her hand in mine.

She traced my wedding band with her pretty red finger. My silver ring looked dominant next to red. “I have to, Drew. There are things I need to know.”

“No there’s not, Morgan. Please, baby. Please don’t do this.”

“Drew. You’re not being fair. I am his mother, and you’re keeping me from protecting him.”

“You’re keeping me from protecting him,” I countered. If she would just stop with all of this, we would be fine.

“Drew, I have to learn everything I can to help him grow up and survive out there.”

“He’s not going out there. He’s five. Just let him be a little boy.”

“He doesn’t know how, Drew. You have been making excuses his whole life. Nicholas not having any friends has nothing to do with him being like you. Nicholas’s fixation on bridges has nothing to do with the brains you passed down. Not liking his routine ruffled is not a form of something handed down from you. He’s not sick, Drew. He’s different, and I want to learn everything I can possibly learn to help him understand that it’s okay. It’s okay to be different because I am, Drew. It’s okay for him to be different because you’re different, too. You know you are. We’re all different. Just because your hang-up isn’t the same as his doesn’t mean you’re not different, too.”

I took a deep breath and pulled Morgan’s hand. If she was going to make me feel like an ass, I wasn’t doing it in front of my son. Morgan crawled to me in her boy’s boxers and white tank top. I held her there on her knees and pulled her into my arms. The view of her through the mirror, secured in my arms made me sing a different tune. I wanted to fix this. All of this. I didn’t know how. And I knew Deidra wasn’t the answer this time. This was on me, but what? How? With my eyes closed, I held Morgan in my arms on Nicky’s bed for several moments. I didn’t want to let her go. Ever.

She was the one to break our contact, but at least she took my hand. That was something. I watched her cover Nicholas with one hand, kiss him on the head, and smile at me for not letting go of her hand. I didn’t want to let it go.

“Drew, you have to stop looking at it like it’s going to make him less of a person.”

“It is, Morgan,” I pleaded, letting go of her hand to reach the two mugs.

“You want marshmallows?”

“Yes.”

“It is not, Drew. He’s going to be the same Nicky he’s been since he was born.”

“With a label.”

“Okay, answer me this question. If you can answer it without having to think about it then I’ll shut up and do whatever you say. Deal?” Morgan asked with an offered hand.

“Okay,” I said, keeping her hand after one shake.

“If you went in there tomorrow and found out that Nicholas does have Asperger’s, and you could tell the doctor to make him better. Different. Would you? Would you tell that doctor to change him into someone else, because he’s different?”

That was the third time in my life that I ever remembered crying in front of Morgan. I tried to hide it with a quick swipe, but she saw it.

“Don’t you wish you could hurry and sniff them back in with your eyes like you do with your nose?” she smiled. Only Morgan would think about something like that. Her hand left mine in slow motion while she came to me from the other side of the island. I held her between my legs, holding back the tears I wanted to share with her. I couldn’t do that. Drew Kelley couldn’t do that. My wife was sobbing in my arms and I had to be strong for her. Prevailing over weakness, I soothed her, and set my own feelings aside.

Something did change in me that night. I knew the things Morgan was saying made perfect sense. It didn’t change the fact that I failed him. She could tell me all night long that it wasn’t my fault and I would still wake up thinking it was. That was a step, a step in what I thought was the right direction.

Morgan cried more once we were in the still dark night of our room. I might have even hid a couple of my own.

“Drew?” Morgan whispered between bouts of crying and talking.

“Hmmm?” I mumbled in her hair.

“I don’t want to live here anymore.”

“You don’t want to live where? In this house?”

“In Los Angeles. I hate all the chaos here.”

“Do you miss your mom?”

“No, it’s not that. I think us not living so close to her is a good thing. I don’t think living next door to social climbing bitches is a good thing. I don’t think having to associate with the clientele that you work with is a good thing. I hated that from the beginning. I don’t want to entertain your connections. I don’t like them.”

“I only ask you to do that once or twice a month.”

“It’s a lot for me to do it, too. I sit there and fake a smile, wishing I was home with my boys.”

“You enable him, too, you know,” I accused.

“What do you mean? How?”

“You’ve built a shell around him ever since that doctor assumed Asperger’s.”

“That’s why you need to let me find out what we’re dealing with. I don’t know what I am supposed to do and what I’m not supposed to do.”

“Okay, Morgan. You can take him with my blessing, but I don’t want to be there.”

“Okay,” Morgan sadly replied. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to go there and listen to news I didn’t know how to handle. It was better for Morgan to go and let me process it in my own way. I’d rather take it out on my work office than my home office. Although, the last time I did that turned out to be pretty costly. Maybe I wouldn’t do that. “Where do you want to live?” I asked, needing to talk about something else. I didn’t know if I could continue being the strong one if we did.

“I don’t know, but I think we should talk about maybe a move after the holidays.”

“That’s less than three months away.”

“We can start looking. Maybe something in the suburbs with a real yard, maybe a little stream where we can build Nicky a little bridge and Tadpole can play in the water. They would both be in heaven.”

“I love that fairy tale, but it already takes me an hour to get home sometimes. I don’t want to add any more.”

“But the closer we get the more congested it gets. I don’t want all the people,” Morgan reminded me of the rhetorical fact.

“If you’re not happy here then of course we’ll talk about it, but can we do it a little later?”

“Okay, sure.”

Morgan and I laid silently still until she finally fell asleep. I held her, kissed her head, and prayed to God to help me take care of my family. After many helpless sighs and soft kisses to my wife’s hair, I gave up. There was no point in trying. I wasn’t sleeping until I knew my son was okay. I slid Morgan off me and surrendered to insomnia.

Rather than researching autism, I opened up a real estate site. I tried to close out the popup of the same stupid real estate add that kept popping up on my computer.

“Hey, come here, buddy,” I called to my half-asleep Tadpole, pitter-pattering toward his mommy.

“I peed,” Tadpole explained.

I took his hand, grabbing the container of baby wipes left from the earlier sticky ice cream fingers. Best invention ever. After cleaning up Tad and changing his sheets, I tried to get him to climb in. He wanted Mommy. Picking him up, I carried him to the sofa with me, rubbed his back, and looked down at the storefront again.

New York City. Morgan hated the cold. She would kill me, but the property was perfect. I knew I could turn it into something amazing. It was prime, prestigiously placed on 5th Avenue. What a challenge that could be.

I kissed Morgan good morning that day for the first time in a long time. The air was frigid with dread and we both stepped lightly. I didn’t stick around for breakfast, using the lie that I had a meeting with a buyer. Tadpole was too busy pretending to be a puppy and literally slurping milk from a bowl to care about his goodbye kiss. Why Morgan let him do that stuff was beyond me.

“I’ll see you tonight. Do you have to let him do that?” I asked avoiding the conversation we both tiptoed around.

“He’s just playing. He’s a kitten,” she egged it on, rubbing his ear.

“No. Me a puppy,” he corrected.

“I’ll see you later,” I repeated, going down the line. I kissed Morgan, dodging eye contact, rubbed my little puppy’s head, and held on to Nicky a little longer than normal. “Love you, buddy,” I squeezed.

“I’ll see you at my doctor,” Nicholas replied after sitting him back in his chair. I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to lie to him, and I didn’t want to start something I was going to leave Morgan to deal with. I swiped the hair on his forehead instead. Morgan stared at me, begging me to be there for her with her eyes. No matter how much I argued with myself to team up and be there for my family, I couldn’t go with her. I had to deal with this in my own way. Not hers.

Traffic was absolutely ridiculous. What the hell was going on? It had to be something; it was never this bad in the mornings. I tried to listen to the traffic report on Kiis FM, but because of my Nicholas distraction, I missed it. Heading right toward the stopped traffic, I went in the direction of the accident rather than avoiding it. That is one thing I wouldn’t miss if I got my family out of here. Traffic. This was freaking crazy.

My car inched along while my fingers messed around on my phone. New York City. Could we live in New York? Would Morgan hate me even more? Glancing up while my car barely moved, I looked at the photos of the store again. New York. Hmmm.

At the first clear exit, I got off. The gas light and the long line of cars told me I had to. Escaping the 110 nightmare, I found myself driving around for almost an hour. Not really sure what the hell I was doing, I took street after street, lost in not only thought, but Los Angeles as well. Jesus, where the hell am I? Pulling into a parking lot, I sat there in a daze for a bit, contemplating. It wasn’t just me anymore. I had to think about what was best for my family.

Morgan didn’t want to be in the city anymore, and I owed it to her to do what she wanted. That’s when I looked up and saw the sign, the sign right in front of me. I saw the sign. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Inglewood Developmental Pediatrician. Dr. T. Inglewood. That wasn’t a coincidence. It wasn’t an accident that I ended up in the same parking lot that my son had an appointment at. It wasn’t an accident that Dr. Inglewood had a cancelation and my wife was struggling with my boys to get them inside.

Nicholas was fine. He held on to his mommy’s hand like a little man. It was Tadpole this time. He sat on the sidewalk, screaming about something. Morgan squatted with him, trying to reason with him. He cried louder. Whatever it was, he wanted it. My first thought was to get the hell out of there before she saw me. My ethical thought caused me to take a deep breath and get out of the car.

“Drew!?” Morgan questioned. Tadpole instantly calmed down when I lifted him from now laying on the sidewalk.

“What’s going on with you?” I asked, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of my dress shirt.

“I wanna have dat,” he pointed to the car, crying again. I looked to Morgan for the correct answer.

“His bike is in the back. He’s been like this ever since he got up. What are you doing here, Drew?”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. What are you doing here? I thought his appointment was at one,” I questioned.

“It was. They called right after you left, wanting to know if I wanted an earlier appointment due to a cancelation. I said yes. I hated the thought of waiting all morning.”

“I wanna wide a bike,” Tadpole dramatically reminded us that it was him we were supposed to be paying attention to. After setting him down on the sidewalk, I made him look at me and reasoned with him.

“You be a good boy in the doctor’s office and you can ride your bike, but you can’t bring it in here.”

“I want to,” he cried out, trying to sit again. I don’t know who was more surprised, Morgan or me. We were both expecting a long drawn out tantrum, but he stopped. As soon as I told him that I was going to take him to the car and he was going to sit there while Nicky got to read the books and play with the blocks, he stopped.

“You better hope this doctor has blocks and books,” Morgan alleged, bringing my attention to a fact I never thought about. “Thank you, Drew,” she praised with bright eyes and the smile I missed. I hoped who ever caused the accident on 110 was okay, but I sure did thank them for sending me here. With my wife. Where I belonged.

“Let me explain how the scoring works,” Dr. Inglewood began. I was expecting Dr. Inglewood to be a man. I guess I was too distracted to pay attention to detail. I was fine with her being a female. I just know how Drew was with women. Rarely did he admit it, but he had a hard time with women being in control. “Did either of you take the Asperger’s assessment to see where you fell on the AQ test?” she asked, looking over all the paperwork I’d filled out before the appointment.

“I did,” I offered. Drew knew nothing about it. Drew wanted to live in Denial Land and grow diamonds. He wasn’t willing to listen to everything I’d learned.

“And where did you score?”

“Seventeen.”

“Eleven to twenty-one is the average score. Twenty-two to twenty-five specifies that one has somewhat greater than average traits. Twenty-six to thirty-one is a borderline score. Eighty-six percent of the people within this category can be correctly classified as having Asperger’s Syndrome. Thirty-two is the official criteria for having Asperger’s,” Dr. Inglewood explained.

“What’s Nicky’s number?” Drew asked with his hand on Nicky’s leg. It was his way of letting Nicky know he was right there with him on the noisy paper bed.

Looking at me, Dr. Inglewood stated more than asked, “You know.”

I nodded my head and shifted Tadpole to the chair beside me. “Thirty-one,” I quietly said in a swallow.

Drew dropped to the round padded stool. He should have talked to me. He wouldn’t be coming in blind had he just been open about it. His reaction wasn’t so much as a surprise. It was more like a defeated battle, as if it was at that exact moment that he lost.

I knew we would have to rehash everything the doctor said later that day. Neither of us registered anything that she was doing. She asked Nicholas a few questions, taking notes while she did. She had him to do a few small tasks, some he breezed right through and some he couldn’t. I willed Drew to sit beside me, moving my eyes to the seat next to me. He moved to the empty chair, took Tadpole from my lap, and then placed my hand in his.

It thrilled me that Dr. Inglewood was so good with him. Nicholas was sometimes funny about strangers. Females seemed to be better than males, but Tadpole was the same way. It took him a few minutes to warm up to people, too. He normally did, though. If Nicholas had it in his mind that he wasn’t talking to someone, he didn’t. Tad couldn’t resist a lollipop, Nicholas could.

I guess I took the news I already knew better than Drew did. He suddenly had to get to an appointment when Dr. Inglewood asked if it was okay to examine Tadpole and ask him a few questions. I wasn’t worried in the least when I said yes. I think a mom just knows these things. I knew Tadpole was fine, well, besides the fact that he was going through the threes that is. Comparing the two of them was like comparing Drew and me. Nicholas was so smart, so absorbed in things. His attention span was a lot longer than Tadpole’s, but that was only with certain things. If it was about a bridge, Nicholas had hours of attention.

I didn’t mention it, but I answered the same assessment questions for Tadpole that I had for Nicholas. His score was the exact same as mine. I did it for Drew, too, but I didn’t really know how to answer the feeling questions. Drew was hard to read that way sometimes. He kept everything inside until it boiled to the surface, usually in a rage.

I endured the bumper-to-bumper traffic to take my boys to Xavier Park all the way in Malibu. I guess I needed the drive time to think. Putting a Disney movie in Tadpole’s DVD player and the construction of some suspension bridge in New York in Nicky’s, I set them up with headphones and set out in the ridiculous traffic.

Looking up from my cell phone, back to the traffic in front of me, I smiled at Drew’s text message.

Drew— I <4569834 you. I’m going to fix this. Don’t worry, okay?

Morgan— I’m just going to take the boys to Xavier Park for the afternoon. We’ll be home later. <874979374397439743 you too.

Drew— I wish you wouldn’t do that without me.

Morgan— I’m driving, Drew. We’re fine. Nicholas loves that park.

Drew— GRRRRRRR I wish you would talk to me, and tell me when you’re planning something like that. I would have gone with you. Stop texting and driving.

Morgan— I wish you would talk to me too. See you at home.

Drew— I <5 you.

Only a five.

I spent the hour and a half drive crying and listening to sad, depressing music, forcing the self-pity even deeper. I knew the diagnosis before I ever stepped foot in that office, but I guess the reality of hearing it hit harder than I’d thought it would. I did something I had never done in that moment. I took two pills while driving with my boys in the back seat. Traffic was barely moving. It wasn’t like I was driving eighty or something. I would be fine.

Twenty minutes later, I was pulled to the shoulder, waiting for the police. It was barely a bump; my SUV was fine. It was the car I rear-ended that got the most of it. I swear I didn’t know they stopped.

“Hello,” Drew answered. “What’s wrong?”

“I sort of rear-ended a car. We’re fine. We just have to wait for the cops.”

“Morgan, are you stoned?”

“What? No.” I protested, trying not to sound as lethargic as I felt. I thought I would just sit on a park bench and be over it before driving back. I was such an idiot. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell was I doing? “The car stopped in front of me, I just couldn’t stop in time.”

“You’re okay? The boys are okay?”

“Yes, Drew. Everything is fine. There is only a little dent in the front of the car. That’s it.”

“Okay, we’ll talk about it at home, but I think you’re under the influence of Lortab right now. You think I don’t know, but I do. I can always tell, Morgan.”

“I took one pill, Drew. I’ve had a rough day, and I have a headache from hell.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later. You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

The officer didn’t think I was under the influence of drugs, he thought the puffy, crying eyes were from being a spoiled little rich bitch. Acting like a Hollywood drama diva. Whatever. He could think what he wanted.

After lunch at the park, I had to make the boys go home. Nicholas loved the bridge that hovered above the playground and spent the entire three hours going round and around, circling the entire playground. It was actually kind of nice. I could sit on the bench and keep one eye on him above me, and the other on Tadpole, sliding down the tunnel slide for the fiftieth time.

DVD’s weren’t needed on the drive home. Nicholas was out in two minutes and Tad was seconds behind him. I called Drew as soon as I was on the right road home. I guess I didn’t want to wait. I didn’t want to anticipate the fight for the next hour and a half, the inevitable argument. I deserved whatever Drew wanted to do to me. I put our kids’ lives in danger for my addiction. I had a problem.

I couldn’t interpret the mood from the tone. “Hello,” he answered with a flat tone.

“Hey.”

“I don’t want to talk about anything, Morgan. I want to ask you to trust me, and let me take care of everything.”

“What does that mean, Drew?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want you getting an appointment with a therapist for Nicky here. I don’t want you giving him medication for anything.”

“It’s not for Asperger’s, Drew. It’s just something mild for his ADHD,” I explained the same thing he already heard from Dr. Inglewood.

“He doesn’t need that. Not yet. I’m asking one thing, Morgan. Trust me.”

“I don’t know what I’m trusting you with, Drew. You’re being crazy.”

“I’m not, baby. Just trust me with everything. Let’s not discuss it. Let’s get through Nicky’s birthday.”

“Are we moving?”

“Morgan,” Drew warned.

“This is going to drive me nuts. You do know this, right?”

“Yes, I’m sure of it. Get off the phone and pay attention to the road. I’ll talk to you when you get home.”

“You said we weren’t talking about anything. We’re not talking about that,” I countered. If we couldn’t talk about Nicky than we shouldn’t talk about my incident either.

“I didn’t mean that. We’re discussing that. I love you. Drive safe.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Bye, love.”

I couldn’t figure Drew out for the life of me. He helped me with supper, he kissed and flirted with me, and he played on the floor with the boys while we watched television. I was beginning to wonder if his plan was just to go back to the way things were supposed to be, ignore everything else in real life.

I have to admit, I liked the pretending better than real life. Having my body half across Drew’s with our boys sleeping all over us made my heart warm. I missed us being this way. I pretended to pay attention to what was on TV, just to keep us this way. My eyes locked with Drew’s for a second when he stood to take Nicholas from my lap. The way he slowly moved into me stirred things I hadn’t felt in a while.

The only way to describe the way Drew looked at me was a mixture of love, lust, anger, and dominance. Drew wanted to punish me. I knew the look well. I stared after him, rubbing Tadpole’s back until Drew came and took him, too. All the years of being with Drew, my heart still pounded in my chest. Fear stirred with excitement, and I felt the familiar throb between my legs. Shit. Fuck. Damn. I was on my period. Dammit!

Drew sat beside me on the sofa and pulled me to his lap. I straddled him and we kissed. The tension lingered around us in a fog while our tongues entwined, matching our moans. My body grinded into his, my hips thrust into his, and my hands held his face. His were all over me, including my now exposed breasts.

“Drew,” I moaned, pulling away.

Half coherent, Drew’s lips went to my neck and then the erect nipple, begging for attention. Shit, I didn’t want to tell him. “Hmmm?” he mumbled. My nipple reacted to the vibration of his hum and I moaned again. Gahhh.

“I’m on my period.” I moaned again when he didn’t stop.

“Morgan,” he rasped in my neck, sending chills down my spine. His words were like ice and I felt the cold. “I have to, baby.”

“You can. I want you to,” I responded, sinking my tongue between his lips.

“Why? Why do you say that?” he asked, squeezing my arms and staring up at me.

“Because you need it and because I deserve it.”

“Why do you think you deserve to be punished?” Drew asked in the way he would the boys.

“I did something really stupid.”

“What did you do, Morgan?” Drew asked, biting my bottom lip and fisting my hair in the back of my head. Drew was trying not to be angry, but I still worried that he’d go too far, he’d get too mad, and cross another line we couldn’t uncross. We had enough unforgettable crossed lines to last a lifetime.

“I took drugs with the boys in the car,” I admitted. Drew kissed me hard. His mouth was hungry and full of anger. He had every right to be angry and I couldn’t blame him one bit. I can be judged for that stupid decision, yes, but in my defense, we’ve all done them. It’s those things you never, ever do again. Close calls. The ones you think about and promise never to let happen again. A lesson well learned. Something bad could have happened.

“I’m going to beat your bare ass with my belt,” Drew warned, angrily tossing me to the sofa. He towered above me with a fistful of hair. “Go to our room, take your clothes off, and bend over the bed. Now.”

I did what I was told and bent over our bed, naked. I didn’t think Drew was ever going to come. I knew it was a form of torture, anticipation. My breath caught in my throat when I finally heard the door open quietly. Keeping my hands on the bed, I kept my eyes straight ahead. I heard the rattle of the metal on the belt and swallowed down the breath. Why he walked like he did was another form of torture. It took him forever to get to me.

That’s when I knew. That’s the night I knew the old Drew would never come back. A lump too big to swallow caught in my throat again when Drew flipped me to my back. Pinning me to the bed, he held my arms to the mattress. I waited with the still breath for his words to catch up with his cold, dark eyes and lash out at me.

“I can’t, Morgan,” he admitted. The sound of the belt dropping to the floor was deafening. I didn’t know what to say. He had so much emotion in his eyes. I didn’t know if they were angry, hurt, sad, frightened…hell, it was probably all of those things. My wide eyes stared up at him while my mind tried to think of something to say.

“I feel like such a failure, Morgan. How the hell did we get here?”

Drew rolled off me and propped himself up on one elbow. His eyes steadied on his hand caressing my naked stomach.

Had he asked that during one of our fights I would have reminded him that he moved us here, but this wasn’t a fight. This felt like rock bottom. The one where there was nowhere else to go but up. Drew dropped his weight and pulled me close to him. Without a doubt, I knew Drew shed tears while he held me close like he needed a hug, a really long hug.

“Drew, what’s going on with Nicky is not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s who he is. I need you to accept that,” I explained, wrapped in his body. Maybe not seeing his face made it easier to talk about it. It felt okay for whatever reason.

“I’m trying, I’m trying so hard. It’s not that I don’t want to accept it. I just don’t understand why him? I don’t want Nicholas to be different. I don’t want my son to be the last one picked on the playground. I don’t want him to sit on the sideline and wish he could play basketball. I don’t want him to be different.”

“He can play basketball,” I reminded him, not that he would want to. Nicky didn’t really get into that stuff. Not yet anyway. “I don’t know what to say, Drew. I hate the thought of my baby being left out, or made to feel less because he’s not the same as everyone else, too. I’ve seen it happen already. It hurts.”

And the contact was broken. Drew pulled away to face me. “What do you mean you’ve already seen it happen?”

“Remember when you said I enable him, too?”

“Yeah?” he questioned.

“I do. I’ve put him in a safe little bubble and haven’t let him out of my sight. We stopped going to Wednesday play dates because he doesn’t like it. He sits alone and watches.”

“But you can’t take him out of society. That’s not what he needs.”

Dropping to my back, I breathed a deep breath. “That’s not really why I did it. The day I decided he wasn’t going back, I watched Chelsea move Myra away from Tadpole. I couldn’t hear her, but I knew she was telling her not to play with him.”

“Why wouldn’t she want her to play with Tadpole?”

“I don’t know, same reason she doesn’t want her kids around Nicky, I guess, but that’s not what made me pull them out. They had a fire drill. Drew you should have seen Nicholas. I have never seen him so frightened in all my life. He held his ears, rocked, and cried with a look I never want to see on his face again.”

“Oh my god, Morgan?”

“What?”

“Was that the day before I took him to the dentist and you took Tadpole the doctor?”

“Yeah. Why?” I asked, wondering where he was going with a peculiar look.

“We were on our way home and got stopped in construction. Nicholas was watching a roller flatten fresh tar. I asked him if he wanted to do that when he grew up. He asked me a million questions about jobs that didn’t have fire drills. He was very adamant about places to work where they didn’t have fire drills.”

“He’s afraid of them. Like terrified, Drew. It took all day to calm him down from that.”

“Why? Why is he so afraid of a fire drill?”

“The noise, I’m guessing.”

“Okay, okay, we’re not supposed to be talking about this. Not yet.”

“I like talking about it. I can’t do this without you, Drew. I need you on board.”

“But you promised to trust me. I want you to go to the beach house next weekend for a few days. I need to go out of town for business, and I don’t want to leave you here. Call Alicia.”

“Why do you have to do that? I don’t want you going back to working like that.”

“I’m not. I promise. Trust me, okay?”

“I trust you, Drew,” I admitted with uncertainty.

I had all intentions of going in there with the belt and leaving my displeasure all over Morgan’s ass. I was irate. I was beyond furious. Pretending that it never happened around the boys was easy. I guess I liked pretending. I liked my family being close, vegged out on the sofa and watching cartoons. I loved Morgan’s hand in mine, Nicholas sleeping across her lap, and Tadpole, well, I’m not sure what he was doing. That boy slept in some of the most awkward positions.

The force not to hurt her was stronger than the one to hurt her. My cock was ready to explode thinking about Morgan naked, bent over the bed and waiting for me. The sick part is, I knew her pussy was madly throbbing, too. She loved it as much as she hated it. I loved it as much as I hated it. The only thing that stopped me was one word. Hurt. I didn’t want to hurt her, and no matter how much my dick was telling me to do it. I couldn’t.

We needed that talk, and for the first time since I’d met Morgan, I was glad she was on her period. We did nothing that night but talk. I kissed her soft lips every chance I got, and kept her naked legs tangled with mine. Morgan was such a good mom. Other than the fact of the one thing we were still going to discuss. Besides her stupidity to drive my kids around while under the influence of pain pills, she was the best mom she could be.

Morgan had enough money to hire people to do everything for her. She could have had a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, any of it. She didn’t want it. She wanted to be the one who made our morning coffee and the one who made bridges out of pancake batter and squares with skinny legs that always broke before she got them to the plate. Morgan wanted the experience of folding tiny onesies and Spider Man pajamas. Morgan wanted to make our meals with love, not money, and I loved that about her. Her way was much more private.

Morgan’s hand stopped, her fingers stationed from tracing mine, and her legs stiffened between mine. “Go get me the pills, Morgan,” I ordered.

“I can’t, Drew,” she admitted what I already knew.

“I know, I’m not going to keep them from you. Not yet. I’m going to control them until you’re better.”

“Until I’m better?”

“Yes. That’s all we need to say. The conversation is over and I don’t want to hear another word about it. Go get them.”

I watched Morgan’s naked ass walk away and move to her drawer. I waited for her to pull out a bottle of hidden pills, but she didn’t. She pulled out a gun and shot me. Just kidding. She pulled out pink silky panties and slid her feet into them.

“Why are you doing that?” I questioned. “I don’t want you in clothes.”

I knew the answer from seeing the little string. Damn. I wanted to be in there. “I’m on my period, Drew. I don’t like sleeping naked.”

Morgan sat on the bed with her purse and gave me a newly filled prescription. “Where are the rest of them?” I asked, knowing damn well she had them all over the place. I knew of two other bottles. After some extensive snooping, I found one bottle hidden behind the lotions in her bathroom cabinet, and one with the spices in the kitchen. Finding them hidden assured my suspicions. She wouldn’t have hid them had she not felt like she had to. She was hiding them from me.

Morgan brought me the two bottles I had found. That made me proud. She brought me a bottle from her vanity drawer where she kept fingernail polish. She brought me a bottle from somewhere in the kitchen. I heard a cabinet close, but didn’t look to see. Five bottles from three different doctors. Looking down, I read the bold letters. Do not take more than two pills in a twenty-four hour period.

“How many are you taking a day?”

Morgan stood before me and shrugged one shoulder. “Six, sometimes eight.”

“Jesus Christ, Morgan. Why didn’t I know this? How could I miss this?” My face had to have been bewildered. How could I not know it was this bad?

“You stopped looking, Drew,” she quietly spoke. The light from the hall illuminated the side of her beautiful, lost face. What the fuck have I done?

“Come here, love,” I said, pulling her tiny wrists.

That was the second time I was happy she was on her period. I held on to her as hard as she held on to me, both desperate for promise, needing something from each other. Again, I told Morgan to trust me and promised her I would fix this. She had to promise me, too. She had to promise to let me take care of the pill problem. She agreed.

I kept doing what I had been doing. I was the best husband a wife could ask for. And I was doing something that I should have talked to Morgan about first. I couldn’t. Morgan hated the cold and the snow. If I could change one thing about her, it would be Christmas. I never had much of a Christmas, either, but at least I didn’t hate it as much as she did. We normally just took a vacation for Christmas. That’s how much she didn’t want to do it.

If I moved us to New York in the dead of winter with snow and Christmas, she would divorce me. That’s the only reason I didn’t tell her. Had it been to Florida or even Texas, I wouldn’t have kept it from her. There was no point in having the argument with her if I didn’t buy the place. It was better to wait it out.

Morgan was happy to be taking the boys to the beach house, seeing her mom and Alicia. The only argument we had for ten days straight was for me recruiting Alicia.

“I can’t believe you told her that, Drew. If that would have been me, you would be pissed. You don’t like it when I tell her our problems, but it’s okay for you?” she barked. She was leaving the next morning. I wasn’t about to let her leave mad at me.

“Are you telling me you wouldn’t have told her yourself?” I asked, sliding my hands in my pockets. Her expression changed when she knew I was right. “You’re doing great, Morgan. I don’t want you screwing it up. You had two pills all day today. That’s better than six.”

“Thanks,” she said, calming her anger and turning her attention back to stirring whatever she was cooking. “You just had to go and mention that didn’t you?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, moving behind her. I knew I was in the clear when she relaxed into me. “What the hell is that?” I asked seeing the seaweed in the pot.

“Creamed spinach.”

“I’m not eating that,” I assured her. Morgan shoved me away and looked to see where the boys were. Damn.

“I not eating dat, either,” Tadpole said from my leg.

“Me, either,” Nicholas joined.

“You’re all eating it,” she warned.

“We’ll eat it. Won’t we guy’s?” I asked, looking to them for backup.

“No, me not eat it. My don’t like it.”

Nicholas agreed with his brother. “I don’t like it, either.”

“Now you’re in for it, both of you,” I warned, crouching to the floor and planning my attack. They ran, screaming.

“Drew!” Morgan screamed, crashing to the floor with me. I rolled over her and attacked her instead. Just like I knew they would, Nicholas and Tadpole were on my back in seconds. I grabbed Nicky off my back and laid him over Morgan. Holding them both down with my body, I tickled them with one hand and kept Tadpole from falling off my back with the other.

I stacked Tadpole on top of his brother and mother, and rolled to their side, pretending to be dead. Morgan instantly shoved the boys over to me and got up.

“He’s dead. Give him CPR. Jump up and down on his chest,” she instructed the boys. She screamed again when I suddenly came back to life and grabbed her ankle with a growl. That right there. Times like that made me want to do just what Morgan said, take my family somewhere and keep them in a safe bubble. I often wonder if it’s like that for every man. Do other men have this strong of a hold on his family? I would kill anyone that tried to hurt them, without question.

Putting the boys to bed couldn’t come fast enough. My wife decided to torture me the rest of the evening. She didn’t put those silky short pajamas on for no reason. The ones that every time she bent over, showed her full set of breasts in the front and two little ass cheeks from the back. I had to hold one hand down with the other all night. She stretched clear across me to reach Tadpoles sippy cup. I could have got it. It was all I could do not to grab a handful of ass with the boys there.

She picked up toys with her nipples in full view. She rocked her leg back and forth at the end of the sofa, not giving me quite the shot, but just enough. I did move the material to the side once when the boys ran off to brush their teeth.

“We better go help them,” Morgan said, staring at me with those damn fuck me eyes. I held her gaze and dipped my middle finger inside her warm, wet pussy.

“Jesus, Morgan,” I growled in some sort of old man voice.

“Tadpole didn’t do it,” Nicolas called from the hall. Morgan’s eyes closed and her body tensed when I slid my finger out, back in, and then out. Morgan wanted to be fucked. Yes! Morgan wanted to be fucked!

I ran to the bathroom and helped the boys get ready for bed. I knew when Morgan suggested that we all read together in Nicky’s bed what she was doing. I was right. Jesus, I couldn’t read anything. Her leg rubbing up and down my cock and her nipples hard through the satin on her shirt made it impossible.

“You go to bed,” I ordered, looking over to her. I could get this done faster without her. She laughed, kissed Tadpole on the head between my legs, and leaned clear over me to kiss Nicholas. I don’t know if my hand would have stopped had she not moved it away with hers. Sliding it up the inside of her soft thighs, she stopped me and left. I stared after her until she was completely out of sight.

I tried to read fast, but that wasn’t putting Tadpole to sleep. Making him lay down again for the third time, I slowed down and tried like hell to put Morgan out of my mind. These boys needed to go to sleep. I finally pretended to fall asleep too after putting Nicky in his bed. Tadpole climbed around me, sang something about someone living in a pine apple under the sea, and kicked his arms and legs, karate chopping the bad guys. That’s when he finally gave up and I slid out of his bed.

Morgan looked over the dark framed glasses when I entered the room. The memory hit me immediately. “What are you reading?” I asked, wondering if I was about to cross a line.

“Leddy Harper’s new book.”

“Really? What’s it about?”

“I’m not that far into it yet,” Morgan said, removing the glasses. If I didn’t know better, I would almost say she knew what I was thinking.

“Tell me what you know,” I said, removing my cotton pants. My cock sprung to my hand and I stroked it, staring at her with the same knowing look. I swear she knew.

“Um, this guy Cade is a sex therapist and he’s helping this girl out.”

“What’s wrong with her sex life?” I asked, moving behind her. She slid up, resting between my legs with her legs already apart. I grinded into her ass a couple times with a groan. Fuck. I was hard.

“I don’t know yet. I’m not that far,” she panted in an aroused, raspy tone.

“Read it to me,” I ordered, holding a fist full of hair. I pulled her head back by her hair and sunk my teeth into her neck, and sucked hard, letting go before I left a mark. My other hand held her stomach firmly against my body and my cock pulsated on her ass.

I slid my hand down Morgan’s leg, stopping before I reached her pussy. “Read it to me,” I ordered again.

“It’s a sex scene, Drew,” she said with her a trembling voice.

“Even better,” I informed her, biting into her neck again.

My fingers slid between her lips when she started reading. Sliding them up and down, my cock felt like it got harder, hearing her unsteady voice. “Is this okay, Morgan?” I asked, sliding her juices up and down her pussy. Fuck. She was wet.

“Yes,” she replied, not missing a beat. My fingers circled her clitoris while my lips sucked and licked her neck. Her words were drawn out in shaky verses, describing the sex of Cade and Ivy. When Cade pinched Ivy’s clit, I pinched Morgan’s. When Cade finger fucked her pussy, I finger fucked Morgan. As soon as her words turned to moans, I stopped, wrapped her hair around my hand, and ordered her to read. When she started again, I started again. To say she became even wetter was an understatement. She was drenched and I spread it from her ass to her clit.

“Drew, I’m done,” she finally protested, begging for mercy. Sliding to a laying positon left Morgan straddling my waist.

“Raise up and keep reading,” I demanded, making her stand on her knees. I spread her a little in order to reach her pussy with about an inch of my cock. I used that inch to slide up and down her slit, focusing a lot of attention to her clit. Hearing Morgan read to me about someone else’s sex was hot. No wonder she read these books.

Morgan may have read for two more minutes before she tossed the tablet to the bed and slid down my shaft with a moan, backward. I couldn’t have protested then if my life depended on it. I moaned with her and held her hips, watching my cock slide in and out of her pussy.

“Rub your clit, Morgan,” I coaxed, looking to the side and seeing our reflections making love. My hands split Morgan’s ass cheeks and I played around with her pucker while her pussy accepted my cock, over and over. Fuck.

I held Morgan’s hips and forced her body up and down my shaft. Fast and hard. Her moans were nearly screams before I flipped her to the bed. Kneeling on my knees, I pulled her head to my cock and fucked her mouth, gagging her with every thrust. Catching a glimpse of her in the mirror again, I replaced her fingers with mine. Her little nub was twice its normal size, begging to come.

Dropping to my back, I slid her up to my face and tasted her pussy. My fingers pinched her nipples while my tongue sucked her sex. Morgan’s hands grabbed my hair and pulled my head to her pussy. She fucked my mouth the same way I had hers, grinding her clit in my tongue.

“Lay on your back,” I said, turning my face. Shit. I thought she was going to smother me.

“I just want to come, Drew,” she begged.

“You will. Lay down.”

“Drew,” Morgan protested again when I slid my hand under the small of her back and came to my knees beside her.

“Shhh, you love it when I do this.”

“I hate it.”

I snickered, sliding my index finger inside her pussy, my thumb to her clit, and my ring finger to her ass. I started slowly rocking my hand back and forth from her clit to her sphincter.

“Get something,” she whined before I got too far.

“You’re so fucking wet, Morgan. You don’t need it,” I said, sliding from her wet pussy to her asshole with my ring finger and slid it in. She tensed, but moaned when my other two fingers busied the rest of her over active pussy. Slowly, I picked up my pace until I was thrashing in and out of her. She didn’t come as quick as I thought she should have so I dropped and pulled her hips over my knees, elevating her just a bit.

I finger fucked her pussy like a madman, splitting her wide open with my other hand. Her body shook, convulsing while she screamed in ecstasy. Cupping her pussy with my hand, I caught all three squirts and rubbed it in her pussy and up to her breasts.

“Put it in my ass, Drew,” she panted, coming down from her high. YES! No problem.

I did get the lube that time, although I may not have needed it. I swear Morgan was producing more by the minute. Mix that with her euphoric pussy aroma. Put that shit in a bottle, I’d wear it every day.

“Bend over the bed,” I coaxed, sliding cold gel up my shaft. It warmed instantly. The sight of Morgan’s ass spread in front of me and the feel of my cock in my hand made me want to come that second.

Bending my knees, I moved in, prolonging the initial contact. That was my favorite part. The way Morgan squeezed her eyes, grasped the sheets with both hands…the way her ass squeezed around my cock, and the feel of it sliding in that first inch was joyous. Predicting the future, I moved my hand around and played with her clitoris, knowing I wasn’t going to last for her if she didn’t hurry.

As soon as her body relaxed beneath me, her eyes opened and she let go of her death grip on the sheets, I moved in and out of her faster. My fingers matched the rhythm of my dick sliding in and out of her ass and she whimpered my name. Fucking the hell out of her with my dick in her ass and my fingers on her clit, she called out. As soon as the orgasmic tone in her voice changed, I came too, dropped my body to hers, and panted the same post-orgasmic breaths as her.

“That was hot as hell,” she admitted. I agreed and slowly pulled out of her, watching the same reactions all over again. I don’t know why she did that. I just fucked the hell out of her with my cock hard. For some reason, when I stayed inside of her like that for any amount of time, she did the same thing, even with a half-limp dick. Her eyes clinched, her body tensed, and hands held the covers. It made me want to do it again. I forced it to slide back in a couple times before relinquishing.

“Wake up,” I whispered kisses to Drew’s well-defined back.

“Hmmm, what time is it?”

“Early. I need you before we leave.”

“You had me a lot last night,” Drew reminded me, rolling to his back.

“That’s not what I need. Last night wasn’t about intimacy. You’re leaving me and making me go to the beach house without you,” I complained, being rolled to my back, pinned by his weight. “Come with us,” I quietly spoke when he kissed the tip of my nose.

“I can’t, love. I have to go meet this client and then I’ll be there. I’ll be there for Nicky’s birthday party Sunday. I promise.”

As much as I loved the crazy Morgan and Drew sex from the night before, I loved this just as much if not more. Drew made slow, possessive love to me in the plain missionary position. Sometimes, that was my favorite one, the most intimate.

“I love you,” Drew whispered at precisely the same moment my eyes rolled back in my head. I mumbled I loved him too in an orgasmic moan right before I felt him stiffen inside me.

“We’re going to be fine, Morgan,” Drew promised. I knew at that moment that Drew’s promise wasn’t empty. He meant it and I knew with everything in me that he would do what he could to make us happy. There was what he thought made us happy, and then there was reality—that was the issue. I never wanted to move to California in the first place, but Drew didn’t think my opinion mattered in our happiness. Trust me, he says. Oh boy.

It was raining when Drew drove us to our private plane. He carried a sleeping Tadpole on board for me and fastened both boys in their seats. Jesus, why was I having such a hard time with leaving him?

“What’s wrong?” Drew asked when I held on to him longer than he’d expected.

“What if this ends? I don’t want this to end,” I said, trying not to sound weak. I hated feeling fragile around Drew.

“Morgan,” he said, making me look up at him.

“I know, I know. Trust me. I’m trying.”

“Call me when you land.”

“I will.”

“Take care of your mom and brother for me, okay, buddy?” Drew persuaded, dropping to his knee to say goodbye. Drew kissed me again and walked away. My eyes went to Nicholas’s beaming smile and I sat beside him. We watched Drew wave to us from his car door and we both waved back.

I couldn’t wait to spend the weekend with Alicia and the kids. Christina was going to love her new nightgown I bought for her. I couldn’t wait to listen to her little girl chatter. I tried my best to ignore the knowledge of me being in control of the bottle of pills in my purse. I could take one and Alicia would never know. Wait. This was Drew I was talking about. She knew. Alicia knew exactly how many pills were in that bottle. Little did Drew know, I had two doctors there, too. I could get more. If I wanted to.

I stared out the little window with both boys sleeping beside me now. I hated this flight. It was so long, especially for Tadpole. He was literally bouncing off the walls by the time we landed almost six hours later.

That’s exactly what he did. He flipped over the seats, trying to jump from one to the other, laid in the middle of the isle, and fought constantly with Nicholas. I was ready to put a parachute on him and throw him out by the time we got there. Nicholas and Tadpole were both tired of flying. Six hours was a long time for them to be confined like this. Drew knew that before he moved us all the way to California.

“Oh my god, Alicia. I’m getting drunk,” I assured her in a hug. Alicia ducked around me and scooped up Nicholas.

“Did you eat spinach again?” she teased. Tadpole informed her that he did, raising his shirt and flexing his nonexistent muscle. Drew taught him that.

Alicia was just what I needed. Once everyone was fed and sound asleep, we sat out on the deck and talked, well I did. Alicia listened. She listened to everything from how sorry I was about letting Chelsea come between us to how I gradually started taking more and more pain pills just to deal.

“I still don’t know what’s going on. He’s been on his computer a lot more lately, and he’s leaving the room to take calls at home. Something just doesn’t feel right. And he’s totally changed overnight. Like we don’t talk about anything serious. He won’t. He just keeps telling me to trust him. I don’t like it. Are you sure he hasn’t said anything to Celeste?” I asked, looking to her and yawning.

“You know she’s not going to tell me if he did. She knows I would blab my mouth.”

“True. Hey, what do you want to do for the holidays? I was thinking maybe Peru again. That beach resort we stayed at last Christmas was so nice for the kids.”

“That wasn’t Christmas. It was the end of January. Sorry, we’re going to Florida to my parents this year. They’re really trying with the whole Celeste and me thing. They want to know their grandkids. We’re spending Thanksgiving there and they’re coming to us for Christmas.”

“NOOOO,” I whined. I hated Christmas. Alicia helped me deal with it while we drank too much alcohol and acted silly.

“We’ll spend New Year’s with you. I promise. I have to try to make things better with my parents. I miss them. Why don’t you do the family thing with your mom this year?”

“Nah, they make a big deal about it with their guests. By the time my mother stops with the everyday crafts, or tree trimming, caroling, and all the other lame stuff she does at the bed and breakfast, I’m so over Christmas, I could scream. I try to stay away from there in December.”

Neither Alicia nor I got drunk like we’d talked about and planned all week. I think we were just happy to sit and watch the tide while we caught up on life. It was nice having Alicia around. Alicia was irreplaceable. I could have fifty Chelsea’s and they would never add up to one Alicia. Alicia was a once in a lifetime kind of friend. And I was sure glad she was mine, except for maybe the whole pill thing. I couldn’t believe she was going to make me ask.

“I think I am going to turn in and call Drew, I’m getting a horrible headache,” I lied, hoping she took the hint.

“Okay, I’m going to do the same. Maybe we’ll take the kids up to Crab Mad Moe’s and let them play tomorrow,” Alicia suggested, standing.

“Alicia?”

“What?” she asked, turning to me with a clueless look.

“I need a couple pills before I go to bed. I just told you I had a headache and you know you have them,” I reminded her with a bit more agitation than I meant to express.

“Drew told me to make you ask,” she quietly responded. “I wish I knew how to help.”

Pity wasn’t what I wanted. “I’m fine. Drew makes it sound way worse than it is. You know how dramatic he can be.”

“I’m only giving you one. Drew said one.”

“Of course he did.”

The one pill did help tremendously and my hands instantly stopped shaking, but Drew wasn’t answering. It went right to voicemail.

Drew finally answered his phone just after midnight.

“Why are you still awake, love?”

“I have been worried sick about you. Where have you been?”

“I’m in a snowstorm right now. The plane had to land in Jamestown instead of JFK. The whole east coast is under a snow.”

“Ugh, I’m glad I’m not there. Are you going to get a room and fly the rest tomorrow?”

“Yeah, that’s the plan. How are the boys?”

“They were both out by eight. That flight gets to them every time. Hey, Drew. What did you have planned to get Nicky for his birthday?”

“I ordered him a couple bridge DVD’s and book. Why? Did you have something in mind?”

“We watched a sales presentation about a metal detector on the beach this evening. Nicky was very intrigued. Do you think he’s too little for something like that?”

“No, I don’t think so at all. I love it. Let me do some searching.”

“Was that a horn? Are you driving? I thought you said you were going to be safe in a room?” I questioned. I knew how the roads could get. I grew up in the mountains.

“I’m trying. A lot of planes got grounded here. I got the last four wheel drive rental car and I’m trying to find a room now.”

“Why did you get a rental car? Why wouldn’t you take a cab?”

“I would have had there been any available. I’m fine. I’ll get off the road at the next hotel. I promise.”

“What if you get stuck there and you miss Nicky’s birthday?” I panicked.

“I won’t. And if I do, so what. His birthday isn’t November 12th anyway. It’s the 15th. If I miss it Sunday, we’ll have the party the next day. It’s a surprise birthday party. He won’t know.”

Drew was right. We were just doing a little something over at my mom’s bed and breakfast anyway. We could do it any day. He would never know.

“Okay, you’re right. Do you want me to go look for the metal detector?”

“NO!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I smiled at the quick response.

“It means, you don’t know how to buy that kind of thing. You don’t know what questions to ask.”

“Oh, and you know a lot about metal detectors,” I doubted.

“No, but you know as soon as I get to a room, I’m going to research them.”

“Yeah, you’re going to go spend five hundred bucks on something I would have spent thirty on. He’s five, Drew.”

“I’m still not going to buy a thirty dollar piece of shit from Walmart that I’ll set out with the trash next month. Hey, Morgan. I’m going to hang up. I can barely see where the road is. I’ll call you in the morning.”

“Oh no you won’t. You call me as soon as you’re safe in a room.”

“Go to sleep, love. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine.”

“I mean it, Drew. Don’t make me lay here and worry about you all night.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll call you. I love you. Close your eyes and rest until I call.”

“I love you, too. Hurry up and get off the roads.”

Resting my eyes sounded like a splendid idea. My pain pill left me feeling relaxed and drowsy. Drew promised he’d call as soon as he got to a room. I would just rest my eyes for a few minutes while I waited.

I’m not sure what woke me at three AM, but I searched for my phone, lost amongst the covers. I hadn’t missed Drew’s call and he never texted. I was going to kill him. Debating whether to call or not, I decided to wait until he woke before killing him. He would say he was sorry and didn’t want to wake me anyway. There was no sense in waking him.

Feeling the little foot in my back explained what woke me. Tadpole was sideways in my bed. I twisted his little body by an arm and a leg, landing him on Drew’s pillow for all of two minutes. I swear that boy did flip flops in his sleep. When I woke, he was sideways at the foot of the bed. I slid him to the top and covered him again for the third time. Between worrying about Drew and Tadpole doing acrobats in my bed all night, my night was very restless.

“You look like hell. We only had two drinks,” Alicia questioned me from her coffee making.

“Hey, baby,” I said, pulling a sleepy Christina to my lap when she entered the kitchen at the same time I did. “I feel like hell. Drew’s stuck somewhere in New York in a snowstorm. He was supposed to call and let me know he was okay last night. He never called. And the devil must have been after Tadpole last night. He was all over my bed.

“I’m sure Drew is fine. And that one did the same thing to me. Let’s not give them Mountain Dew before bed again,” Alicia suggested with a straight pinky.

I locked mine with hers and pinky swore not to do that again. “He could at least send me a message,” I alleged, swiping my phone. Nothing. Jerk.

You’ve reached Drew Kelley with Kelley Elegance of Hollywood. I’m unavailable to take your call right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I’ll return your call as soon as possible. Thank you.

“He’s not answering. It went straight to voicemail. That’s not like Drew.”

“He’s probably in the air again. Where did he land?”

“Oh yeah, that makes sense. He still had a ways to go. I think he said he landed in Jamestown. Isn’t that close to Buffalo?”

“Beats me. You’re the reader, not me. Did you go pee in the potty?” Alicia asked, Christina, curled in my chest with her little eyes closed.

“No, she went in the pull-up. I felt it on my lap,” I smiled, kissing her sweet little blond head. Why couldn’t Tadpole have been a little girl? Alicia grumbled under her breath.

“She’s older than Tadpole. She shouldn’t still be doing this.”

“She wouldn’t had one of us mommies taken her potty instead of snuggling her little warm body. I’d pee my pants, too, if I could.”

“No you wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, no I wouldn’t,” I agreed.

By one in the afternoon, I was begging Alicia for another pill. Drew still hadn’t called. He should have been on the ground by now. Jason and my mom came and took the kids for some sort of turkey craft for Thanksgiving and I sat on the edge of the sofa, bouncing my knees. Buffalo New York was under eighteen inches of snow. I knew what that was, too. Eighteen inches stops the world. My cousin Jack was born just like the baby Jesus, in a barn. The squad slid into a ditch and the paramedics wheeled Aunt Betty to the nearby barn. Eighteen inches would cripple everything on wheels. Dammit. Where the hell was he?

Alicia ended up giving me a pill by three. I was going out of my mind. This wasn’t like Drew. Drew would call me. What if he didn’t make it to the hotel? What if he was freezing over an embankment or something?

“Morgan, I’m sure he’s fine. Will you stop worrying? Let’s go get the kids. We’ll take them to Crab Mad Joes and let them play on the pirate ship. You have your phone. He’ll call. There’s no sense in sitting around here worrying about it. He’ll call.”

Knowing Alicia was right, I traded with her. One pill for the outing with the kids. Maybe she was right. The boys loved climbing around that pirate ship, Nicky would be ecstatic. The suspension bridges hanging about the massive pirate ship left him talking about it for hours. That wasn’t always a good thing. I read about kids obsessing over certain things from the pamphlets that Dr. Inglewood gave us. Nicky’s was definitely bridges. How do you tell a five-year-old that just because he loves the complexity of a bridge, didn’t mean everyone else did?

Most everyone Nicky enlightened about his bridge knowledge were overly impressed. It wasn’t every day you found a five-year-old that knew why the Angers Bridge in France collapsed back in eighteen fifty. Even I shouldn’t know that wind and possibly a resonance of soldiers led to the collapse.

What if Drew was on a bridge that collapsed? What if he slid off the road and was under a bridge. I’ve heard of people being trapped for days in a snowstorm.

STOP!

“Okay, yes. Let’s go take the boys to eat shrimp and play on the pirate ship,” I agreed without any more reluctance.

I was going to go crazy if I stayed there for one more second.

I checked the dead phone in my room for the fifteenth time. The entire east coast was at a standstill and we were one of the lucky ones to lose power.

“Stacy has some homemade soup. You don’t want to pass that up,” the gentleman not much older than myself said from the door. I smiled, dropping the vintage receiver back to its hook. “Don’t worry about your family. I’ll get you over to the Henderson’s after some hot lunch. He’s got a CB radio. We can send a number to one of his friends out there and they can get a message to your wife if you’d like.”

“Yes, yes, thank you. I would appreciate that. She’s got to be worried sick. I hate giving her unneeded stress,” I explained. That made me feel better. I hated the thought of Morgan sitting around worrying. And I knew she was doing just that. Worrying herself sick.

Mrs. Allen was a very good cook. I would love to have this recipe for Morgan. The bread was just as tasty. I must have been hungrier than I thought.

“Does it always snow like this around here?” I asked, creating conversation with the nice country family who took me in. I would have been frozen to death by now had Mr. Allen not had a cow loose. Thank god for broken fences.

“Actually, we haven’t had snow like this since the eighties, not in November anyway.”

“How long do you expect it to be before I can get out of here?” I worried.

“Hard to say. If it stops soon, should be in the next couple days.”

“Days,” I groaned.

This sucked. I couldn’t even call the store in New York City to tell him I was having a hard time getting there, and I was supposed to be in North Carolina with a new metal detector tomorrow. Looking over the kitchen sink, the small window told me I wasn’t getting out of there whether I liked it or not. The snow had slowed, but stayed light and steady all day.

The Allen’s kids were very well mannered. I enjoyed talking to them around the table while we sat in the eat-in kitchen. Their seven-year-old daughter, Amanda was cute as hell. I swear she could have been Nicky and Tadpole’s sister. Her features could have easily been passed down from Morgan and me. Charlie was eleven and Adam was the oldest, just turned thirteen a week ago.

“Do you work out, wrestle? Something,” I teased the oldest boy. He was buff for such a young boy. Made me decide to pick up another day in the gym, looking at him.

He snickered a little and informed me of something I hadn’t had to endure in my lifetime. “We live on farm. I’m always working out. Come over sometime and I’ll show you what a real work out is. How many bales of hay did we throw off the last time, Dad?” he asked, turning to his father for help.

“Two hundred and twelve, all weighing in at around eighty pounds,” his dad, Solomon explained, looking at his strong son, proudly.

“That explains it,” I settled.

“I have big muscles, too,” Amanda said, trying her best to make a muscle.

“You sure do. I think maybe yours may be bigger than you older brother’s. You think?”

She agreed with a front-tooth-missing smile and a proud headshake. Her puny muscle made me miss my Tadpole. Dammit. Why didn’t I wait at the airport?

Spending the entire day with the Allen family left me longing. I didn’t know what it was exactly. Maybe I wasn’t used to seeing other married couples. Morgan and I didn’t really have a couple that we interacted with like this. Celeste and Alicia didn’t really count. Celeste was too much like me and public affection wasn’t something either of us was accustomed to.

All three kids rose from their seats after the meal and commenced to cleaning up the table. Amanda took care of the silverware, Charlie cleared the plates and the cups, and Adam took care of the rest. Their mother thanked them and sent them on their way while she ran the dishwater. Sole stood, and took a clean dishtowel from the drawer.

“My wife would drop dead if I helped with the dishes without being told. I usually whine long enough for her to tell me to go bathe the boys or something,” I teased, missing my family.

“Haven’t you ever heard the old saying about a man getting more in the bedroom if he helps with the dishes?” Solomon joked. His wife Stacy jerked the dishtowel and snapped him with it. I laughed and stopped myself before saying I got plenty of that. “I’m kidding. Marriage is a two way street. If my wife can help me dig a fence row, I sure as hell can help with the dishes,” he rephrased with a loving smile. God, I missed my family.

Sole kept his word and after him giving me warmer clothes and a pair of boots, we set out to the barn. I climbed on the back and Sole took us through the snow, gliding along the top on a snow mobile. Damn. I hadn’t realized I’d gotten so far off the main road. I knew I was lost, but this was in Never-land.

“Where exactly am I?” I yelled over the loud engine.

“Center Station, New York. Population 2,023,” he called back.

“Where the hell is Buffalo?”

“About fifty miles west.”

Damn, I was really out of the way.

The radio worked perfect. Paul Henderson also showed me appreciated hospitality. Not only did he use the hand held mic to contact a buddy with the same contraption, I got to talk to Morgan. Sort of.

The guy on the other end did the translating, but at least he was able to tell her I was fine, and I would call her as soon as the phone lines were back up, or I had cell phone service. She translated back that she loved me and to be safe. I felt much better knowing Morgan felt better. I kept her waiting for almost twenty-four hours and now I knew she could relax and enjoy her time with Alicia.

Sole and I sat around Paul’s table and had a beer with him. He was young, maybe twenty-five or so, but one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met. Paul was in a wheelchair for whatever reason, but he had a very important job around Center Station. He took care of all the dispatching for the majority of the farmers in the area, instructing the truckers on the silage hauling.

Just because his legs didn’t work, didn’t mean everything else didn’t. He had the cutest little girl and a pretty hot wife. Paul Jr, as Sole called him, told him we’d better get going after he offered us another beer. I didn’t mind sitting around the table, drinking beer with Paul Jr. We were just going to go back to his house and be bored. Damn. I missed my family.

Solomon took us back to his place a different route than when we’d gone to Paul’s.

“Whoa,” I called from behind him. “What is this place, Sole?”

“This is Riverton’s,” he explained, killing the engine. “It used to be a horse farm. John Riverton, one of the grandsons has turned it into a day camp for children with autism.”

“Why?” I asked, getting off the snow mobile and looking in the windows of the most amazing barn transformation I’d ever seen.

“He wants to help,” Sole said with a shrug like it was no big deal. I started to ask why again, but stopped when the door opened, startling us both.

“Come in, Sole. It’s freezing out there,” a tall man called from a side door.

Sole and I stepped inside. I shook his hand and wondered around the massive arena in awe.

“Go ahead, look around,” the guy who introduced himself as John offered. I nodded and checked out the facility. It was still set up like a barn. The stalls were bigger with paintings of colorful animals. Each stall had its own purpose. There was a red gate for reading, a blue stall for music, a green stall for arts and crafts, a yellow stall for snacks, and an orange stall for relaxing. The middle where horses once put on a show was now black top with a basketball court, bicycles, toys, and even a bridge with a giant slide.

“You run this place? I don’t understand. You’re in the middle of nowhere. How can you stay open here? I mean, you can’t have much business.”

“Actually, we’d be even busier. The state shut us down three months back,” John said unemotionally.

“Why?”

“It’s an old barn. A lot of things need fixed yet. I want to build another loft on this side of the barn and run a bridge from one side to the other. I want to line the wall here with stalls for different development stages. I can’t have a unisex bathroom, and I have to have a working kitchen. I can still run workshops here for parents, I just can’t do the all day camps with the kids anymore.”

“John doesn’t have the money to finish it all at once, but we all come over and pick up a hammer or a paint brush on Friday nights. It’s our guy time. A few beers and few laughs later, we get a little more done. We’ll get it,” Sole explained.

“I guess I’m a little confused. Of all things, why, I mean why that?” I asked unable to say the word.

“We help the kids learn ways to express emotions they don’t feel and we teach them how to read other people’s expressions to know what is an appropriate and un-appropriate response.”

“What do you mean?” I asked the same question.

“Do you know someone with autism?” John asked.

“My son,” I replied defeated, dropping my head. “He has Asperger’s syndrome. He’s five and this is all new to us.”

John smiled a big broad smile. “You say that like your son is going to die. You weren’t handed a death sentence with that diagnosis.”

“Pretty much. I mean, how can I teach him to be a man when he doesn’t feel the same way I do?” Why the fuck was I telling this complete stranger everything that I wouldn’t talk to my wife about? All my worries and fears manifested over an entire hour with John.

“Sit down, Drew,” John offered with an open hand to the child’s blue chair. I sat with my knees to my chest in the short, but sturdy chair. “Tell me, what it is that you call success?” he beckoned.

“I don’t know. Me. I’m a businessman. I’m afraid I won’t be able to teach my son that.”

“Ahhh, so you want him to be like you?”

“Not necessarily, I want him to be independent and be able to have everything that every other man has. I want him to marry and have his own family.”

“And you think he’s not capable of this? Why do you think that?”

“I don’t know. Isn’t that what usually happens to people like that? I mean, I’m perfectly fine with him living with us forever. But someday we’re going to be gone. I want him to be able to look after himself.”

“People like us can go to college, get married, have a family, and create a business like this that helps people like you understand people like us,” he said in that same dry tone with absolutely no emotion.

“People like you? What do you mean?” Damn. I sure was using that a lot.

“John has one of the prettiest wives in Center Station. And the cutesiest little twin boys you’ve ever seen in your life,” Sole offered.

My eyes were wide while I waited for John to retrieve his wallet and show me his family. “Your son has what I have. I mean, I don’t know the severity of his, but I, too, was diagnosed as having Asperger’s when I was a teenager. I’m just like you, Drew. I feel things, I just don’t know how to show it the way you do, and I sometimes need help in knowing other people’s emotions, mainly my wife’s,” he joked.

“I can’t read my wife, so you’re good there,” I offered, joking back. The air had grown thicker and too serious.

“Yes, but when your wife says eat me, I’m sure you don’t take a bite out of her arm.”

“Huh?”

John and Sole both laughed at me. I turned and looked up to Sole a little confused. Was he making a sex joke?

“Some of us tend to take things literally. Like we don’t know you’re joking. What’s your son’s name?”

“Nicholas.”

“Have you ever told Nicholas something that you didn’t mean, but he took it literally and did it? Like if you’re joking about something he said.”

“Hmmm, no. Like what?”

“Like, get out of here? Have you ever said anything like that and he’s gotten up to leave the room?” I nodded, remembering just the other day when I told him to hit the bed. He looked at me funny and then punched the bed. “That’s because Nicholas doesn’t have the receptors to tell him you were only joking. That’s what I do. I’ll help you help him.”

“Where do you live? I am having a Christmas workshop here. You could come then. I would love to have you, but I’m sure your wife has family tradition plans for your holiday.”

“No, I mean. She’ll probably make a turkey for Thanksgiving, and plan a vacation or something for Christmas.”

“You don’t celebrate Christmas?” John asked.

“Oh, no. We do, we just usually do it somewhere else.”

“You’re not home for Christmas?” Sole was the one to ask. Why was that so shocking? Lots of people traveled over the holidays.

“Sometimes, the house keeper normally puts up a tree and we buy the boys gifts,” I explained not wanting them to think I was some sort of scrooge that didn’t do Christmas. We did Christmas. I could have sworn the two of them exchanged a smirk.

“What about other family? You don’t celebrate with them?”

“We have her mom and step dad. Morgan has a little sister. We have dinner with them and exchange gifts, but usually not until after the first. When we get back,” I added, reminding them we didn’t usually stay home for the holidays and if we did it was usually with other guests who traveled to the bed and breakfast for Christmas. Nothing special.

“What do you do for a living, Drew?” John asked.

“I own a jewelry store in California, well, I did. I just sold it. I was on my way to New York to buy another one when I got stranded here.”

“So you’re between jobs?”

“Sort of, yeah, I guess.”

“So come here. Come here for the holidays and spend Christmas in Center Station with your family.”

I snorted on that note. “Morgan hates the cold and snow. She would never agree to it, but I would love to set up something for a couple weeks after the first of the year. Do you have any workshops going on then?”

“What if she said yes? Come here with your family and I will give you two weeks free for your little guy.”

“It’s not about the money. Morgan really does hate the cold and snow.”

“But you could persuade her, right?” Sole asked.

“Maybe, but I don’t know.”

John and I exchanged numbers and had another long conversation about his plans for the barn over coffee the following morning. To say I was intrigued with this small town, these nice country people, and the dream of a man living a life just like me with Asperger’s would be an understatement. I was in awe.

I literally stood outside the door, waiting for Drew to pull in the drive way. I didn’t know whether to be mad at him or hug him when I saw him. He missed the sort of planned birthday party, and he didn’t get to see Christina and Vincent before they left. Three days. Drew was out of range for three whole days.

My thoughts of whether to kill him or love him were squashed as soon as he got out of his car and grabbed me in a bear hug. Our lips met and I squealed when he pinched my ass.

“Where are my boys?”

“Sleeping, and you’re not waking them up. You can see them in the morning. What are you wearing?”

“Oh yes I am, and it’s a turkey. Sole’s little girl, Amanda, made it for me at church yesterday.”

“Oh,” I said a little taken aback, looking at the homemade turkey pinned to Drew’s shirt.

“I’m going to see the boys,” Drew said, walking away from me.

“Drew, no. Please don’t wake them.” I pouted. I wanted Daddy. They could have him tomorrow. Drew knew exactly what I was doing with the way my hungry eyes begged him to let them sleep.

Taking a step back to me, Drew kissed me passionately on the mouth, shoving his tongue deep in my mouth. I moaned when I felt his lips on my neck and then my chest. His hands went up my shirt and his fingers went straight to my braless nipples. I arched my back, trying to make them stand to the perky girls they used to be before two kids. It never worked, but Drew didn’t seem to mind. He paid just as much attention to them as he did pre-babies.

“Let’s go to bed, Drew,” I panted. I hadn’t seen, nor heard from my husband for three days, he barely had one foot in the door and the tension was this high between us. I swear Drew and I connected through sex. I guess that’s because for the first seven years of our marriage, it was the only way we communicated.

Drew walked me backward, removing my shirt and taking my nipple into his mouth. My mind drifted to that time. The time that I was supposed to leave in the past. The time when Drew used me as his own personal sex slave. It was sick and twisted, but all I had to do to get in the mood was think about it. I didn’t need help at this moment, but it didn’t stop me from thinking about it.

It was after a meeting with a potential client that came to mind. Drew was uptight about something before we ever got there. I knew before I left that house what kind of night I was in for. I was right. Flashes of me laying on the small hotel room coffee table.

Drew placed a glass of wine on my tight abs and played with my pussy, daring me to spill it. My hands grasped the sides of the coffee table while I tried to ignore the sensations from Drew. I focused on the full glass of wine and tried like hell to ignore the vibrating dildo Drew was rubbing up and down my pussy.

“Drew?” I moaned, closing the door over his shoulder.

“Hmm?” he moaned.

“Remember that time when you were mad at me in New York? The coffee table?”

Drew pulled back and looked at me. “Yeah?” he questioned.

“I want to do that. Do that to me, Drew,” I said in a raspy, panting voice.

“The wine?”

“Yes, do that to me.”

“Are you sure?” he questioned. “You spilled the wine,” I felt Drew grow between us. I think the punishing part completed the fucked up fantasy. Drew was turned on, thinking about it, just as much as I was.

“Yes, I want you to.”

The rest of the evening was surreal. Drew turned on the switch I needed to be turned on. The way his dark eyes changed and looked at me with lust and anger shot straight to my throbbing sex.

“Take your clothes off,” Drew ordered. I barely had any on, but I slid my panties down with my shorts and stood before him like I once had. This is one of those it didn’t happen often kind of things, but in a weird kind of way, we both needed it to once in a while. My heart picked up in speed and I held my breath while Drew circled me. I swallowed and felt the tingle run up my spine when his finger traced my spine, all the way down to my ass. He did that. I remember that he did the exact same thing the night we were in New York.

Drew reenacted the entire night like a pro, like it had just happened. Once he had me naked across the ottoman in our bedroom, he left me to get the glass of wine. Placing the glass of dark liquid on my stomach, just below my bellybutton, Drew looked up to me. The lust in my eyes answered his. Yes. This was fine. Watching the glass on my not so tight abs, I closed my eyes when I felt him spread my legs.

“Open your eyes and watch me,” he said in the dark, Drew demanding kind of way.

He didn’t say that in New York, but holy shit. My pussy was going mad. Why couldn’t I have fantasized about a time I wasn’t trying to keep from spilling…? Hey. Wait a minute. That’s not wine, that’s grape juice.

Drew kept his eyes between my legs while he walked to the closet. Fuck. He had to get my favorite one. The four white pearls didn’t go unnoticed in the other hand, either. Drew got on his knees below me, just like he had that night and meticulously worked. I don’t remember if this was exactly what he did, but I was regretting my make-believe request. This wasn’t make-believe and I was going to have to clean the rug. What was I thinking?

“Hmmm,” I hummed when I felt the vibration lightly touch my clit and then it stopped. No…

I felt the hiss when Drew moved to my side and licked my bottom lip. “Shhhhh,” His eyes shifted to the shaky glass of fake ass wine and his teeth pulled on my erect nipple. Placing a soft kiss on my lips, mine trembled with his hot words.

“Keep watching what I do, and no noises,” he ordered, just like he would have back then. I nodded feeling the chemistry we shared even then. It was explosive. With Drew placed back between my legs, he touched me again with the vibrations. I moaned. Dammit. I moaned. Drew stopped and came to my lips again, only this time he was standing and his cock was in his hand.

Drew straddled my face and tapped my lips a couple times with the head of his cock. “You having a hard time following instructions tonight, bad girl? Huh?” Drew asked, pushing his head across my lips, from one side, to the other. I shook my head, feeling the adrenaline rush through my veins just like I did that night. An urgency that neither of us could deny we were addicted to. The only difference being, we only used it recreational now, not every day.

“Stick out your tongue.”

I obeyed and watch Drew pump himself in his fist, producing a clear bead to head on his slit. “Lick it off,” he ordered in a whisper. Gladly.

I licked the small slit, instantly tasting the pre-come. I wanted to beg Drew to get the glass after he slid to the back of my throat. I couldn’t gag and keep the glass from spilling at the same time. Drew stopped before my gag reflexes kicked in. After a few moments of his cock going in and out of my mouth, he moved back to the vibrator. I bit my bottom lip to keep from making a sound.

My eyelids fluttered while Drew ran the hard device up and down my pussy, paying careful attention to my clitoris, but not too much. He was going to prolong it as long as he could. Drew inserted the vibrating toy, sliding it in and out before leaving it there. My eyes stayed on him and I watched, knowing what was next. He pushed the vibrator in again and moved to my ass. I felt the first small bead slide into my ass, and then the next. Drew pushed the vibrator in again and I felt the next bead. He slid the vibrator out and placed the tip of it on my clit before popping the final bead in my ass.

“Drew, I’ll come,” I warned, already feeling it.

Drew grinned and pulled the string. “Aahh,” I moaned, hoping he didn’t stop. He stopped his motion but not what he was doing. His hands steady for a second before he pushed the bead back inside. As soon as he started circling my clit again, he tugged on the bead. I moaned again. The next time Drew pulled it out he pulled two, and again, he stopped. I had to stop moaning.

The next time was inevitable. I kept the sounds at bay but the orgasm was still there. My stomach bounced at the first sign. Drew circled my clit, fast and hard while he watched my face, knowing his accomplishment. I felt the four beads slide out and I sat up, grabbing the wine glass while I came. Although I saved the majority of it, enough splashed over the brim and ran between my legs. That intensified it even more. Drew slurped it up with his mouth and I squeezed his head between my legs and yanked on his hair with my free hand.

Drew grabbed the wine juice and set it on the stand. My legs were shoved above my head and his dick was in my pussy in a matter of seconds. He held my legs up while he bent his knees and fucked me. The next time he straddled my face, he took no mercy and I gaged several times while he fucked my mouth.

I could tell how worked up Drew was when he pulled out and lifted my legs again. At first, he just kept me spread and spanked my pussy, and then moved to my ass. Holy shit. I wanted to come again. “Didn’t I tell you not to come?” Drew asked, swatting my ass.

“Yes.”

“Yes, what, Morgan?” Drew asked, grabbing a fistful of my hair. For one second I was scared, but quickly decided I was too turned on to be scared.

“Yes, Drew,” I corrected.

Drew smiled and sat on the loveseat. “Come here,” he ordered me to his lap with his eyes. My pussy pulsated, sliding across his lap. The first slap was quite intense, but it was Drew’s other hand that had me concerned. My eyes watched as his fingers pulled the belt from hanging across the sofa.

I knew he was struggling by the way he gripped it. “Use it, Drew,” I rasped, twisting my hips, trying to make contact with Drew’s leg. He didn’t speak. He picked the belt up and ran the tip of it across my ass and then up my crack. Both his hands focused on my ass. One spread my cheeks and slapped them, and the other one ran the belt over my bottom.

“Morgan,” Drew pleaded.

“It’s okay, Drew. I want you to.”

“I’ll hurt you.”

“And then you’ll make it feel better,” I reminded him from across his lap.

“That doesn’t make it okay. You’re never supposed to agree to any of my commands.”

“Drew, stop trying to make excuses. I know it’s fucked up. You know it’s fucked up, but that doesn’t stop the effects of us both wanting it.”

“You swear. You’re really okay with it?”

“Yes, Drew,” I said sliding off his lap. “Where do you want me, Drew?” I asked in a scared Morgan voice. I knew that would get him. It did. He stood and towered above me.

“Put your hands on the bed,” he said close to my lips. I kissed him, sliding my tongue between his lips and turned around. Oh dear lord. What have I done now?

Holy mother. Ouch. Son of a bitch. Fuck. That was nothing like Drew’s hand. It hurt. It hurt like hell and I could feel the sting clear across my ass. I bit the comforter the next time and then moaned when I felt Drew sliding his dick in me from behind. His hands on my sore ass were welcoming, but just like I knew it wouldn’t, it didn’t last. Drew shoved his dick in me four times before moving to the side of me again.

My body tensed while his hand caressed my ass. I screamed and moaned again when I felt the next blow. Drew grabbed my hair from behind and fucked me hard for a few minutes before pulling me to my knees. He fucked my mouth like a madman and then made me get on all fours where he brought the belt to my already on fire ass. I think it was numb. I barely felt that one. Drew fucked my pussy in this positon with the vibrator while he repeated the anal bead practice until the next orgasm.

“Stay right there,” he ordered from behind my doggie style position. I couldn’t respond. I was still riding waves. I heard the packet open and knew by the wet sound what Drew was up to. Tensing again, I felt the head of his cock slide in my ass. He didn’t do it like he normally did. He did it like he would have back when I did everything he told me to do without a fight. He shoved it in deep and fast. My breath caught from the sudden pain and I yelped. Drew didn’t falter. He held my hips and pulled me to him while he fucked me mad.

As soon as he pulled out I was on my knees and the condom was off. I parted my lips like I used to, peaking out my tongue. Drew opened my mouth a little with his dick and I felt the first bout before I tasted it. The next squirt coated my lips and he painted them with his come. Once Drew was completely clean and finished with his own wave, he pulled me to him.

“I fucking love you so much. You have no idea,” he said, pulling me tight while my ass welcomed his soft hand. Ouch.

“I know you do. I love you, too, but I’m really mad at you.”

“I couldn’t help it, love. I was stranded in the snow.”

“I know. And that’s the only reason I’m not going to be mad at you. Did you happen to look at the metal detectors?” I asked, kissing his lips.

“Hmm, better. It’s in my trunk.”

“I knew I could count on you. He’s really mad at you, you know?”

“Did you tell him I was stuck in snow?”

“Yes, but he’s five. And Tad didn’t understand why you didn’t buy a cape like Superman and just fly home,” I explained.

Drew kissed me and slid on shorts. “I’m going to wake them.”

“No, I want you tonight.”

“I’ll stay up with you all night. Please, just let me go say hey,” he whined like a baby.

“Fine, I’m going to sit in a tub and wash the sticky juice off me.”

“That was wine,” Drew lied, taking the glass out with him and I smiled, happy that he was home.

I feigned a headache before noon the following day and begged Drew for a pill before ten in the morning. It was raining, Tadpole had done nothing but whine since he woke up, and Nicholas was having a meltdown because he didn’t want to go back to the other house. He made no sense. He did the same thing when we came to the beach house. I just needed a few moments alone.

After settling Tadpole down with a dose of Tylenol and an early nap, Drew gave me one pill against his will.

“If you take this now, you’re not getting another one until bed,” he warned. That pissed me off, but I didn’t say anything. I wanted the pills too badly. Who the fuck did he think he was to tell me what I was doing? I wasn’t passive little Morgan from some hick town in West Virginia anymore.

“Nicky’s asleep on the couch,” Drew said, stopping dead in his tracks. I tried to turn away from the mirror but he saw it.

“Jesus, did I do that?” he asked, turning my ass back to the mirror.

No. the other guy with the belt did... “Yes, and you did this, too. You know my mother has a fit when you do that,” I lectured, trying to bring the focus to the strawberry mark on my neck.

“Why didn’t you tell me to stop?”

“Drew, stop. Don’t ruin it. I’m fine.”

“Morgan, your ass is covered in raw welts. That’s not okay.”

“Yes it is. Can I just have a few minutes to unwind, Drew? Please, baby, don’t do this. You didn’t do anything I didn’t want you to do.”

Drew nodded, and left me alone. I was so glad he did. The moan and hiss from the pain of the hot water was almost enough to force me to pass out. The burn from the water quickly became a comfort once I was in and relaxed. I’m not so sure I hadn’t dozed off after I heard Tadpole up and whining already. That nap didn’t last long enough.

I made the same audible, hissing sound when I applied a burn salve to the stripes on my ass. They weren’t bad at all. I’d seen them a lot worse than that. The deep, dark lines were the ones that hurt the most. Even those barely broke the skin. Nonetheless, they still hurt.

I read the stupid directions again on this stupid, stupid metal detector. Whose idea was this anyway? I glared up to my wife in frustration and shook my head. I crossed my arms and ankles and watched Morgan give both our boys plastic metal detectors. She smiled at me and opened the battery compartment.

“Why does Tad get something for my birthday?” Nicholas asked while he watched his mom put the batteries in his first.

“Well,” Morgan began, rubbing her hand down his arm. “I buy Tadpole stuff on your birthday, because I am thankful for both of my boys. Didn’t it make you feel happy when you got a present at Tadpoles birthday party? Hmm?” she asked, handing him his toy first. “Besides, this way you get two birthdays, right?”

Tadpole bounced up and down, ready to find treasure. Morgan told him to calm down twice before she handed him the toy metal detector.

“What am I supposed to do with this thing?” I asked, holding up the very expensive, very complicated metal detector.

“You’re going to learn how to use it, and let your boys trail behind you and dig up real treasure on the beach,” Morgan explained, falling into my arms. I spread my legs on the stool and hugged her to me.

“That’s why I love you. You knew I’d screw this up, didn’t you?”

“No, I was afraid you wouldn’t find one before you got here.”

“That’s a lie and you know it. You knew I’d bring it. You just knew I was going to get something he couldn’t play with. But you know what?” I asked, placing my hand on her ass. The instant she tensed my dick felt the spasm. My hand reminded me of her welted ass. “Can we go now?” I asked, excited to dig up some treasures with the boys.

“You guys go. I’m going to clean up the kitchen,” Morgan countered, pulling away.

“Come with us. Please,” I begged.

“Fine, but you’re helping with the dishes.”

“I’d love to wash dishes with you.”

Morgan looked at me peculiarly and went to find the boys’ long pants, mumbling something about the sun shining but the air being cool. I knew she thought I was being weird. Drew didn’t volunteer to do the dishes. Drew wined like a ten-year-old boy when his wife asked him to clean up the dishes. How hard was it to scrape dirty plates and load the dishwasher? She’d ask.

“Oh my god. We have the cutest kids in the world,” Morgan exclaimed, seeing them in new jeans. The little hoodies with the sharks on the front were adorable. Dark blue sneakers topped off their cuteness.

“Why didn’t I get new clothes?” I whined.

“Because, I don’t like you in clothes,” Morgan whispered from behind me.

The boys ran ahead of us, pushing the noisy buttons to find metal. I entwined my fingers with hers and talked to her again about Solomon and Stacy. I could tell by the side glance that she was beginning to think I was being bizarre over this little town and the laid back people that didn’t take one second for granted.

“I want to take you there.”

“Okay,” Morgan replied, half paying attention. I knew she wasn’t taking me seriously. She blew it off as small talk.

“I’m serious, let’s spend the holidays there.”

“Let’s not. What do you think about Hawaii? We haven’t been there in a while.”

“I want to take you to Center Station, New York. I want the boys to see snow and have a real Christmas.”

“A real Christmas?”

“Yeah, like where we stay in and decorate a tree.”

“Why?” she asked like I’d asked the silliest question on earth.

“Daddy!” Tadpole called, digging a hole in the sand. Morgan answered a call from Alicia and I ran ahead to catch up with the boys.

“Hold this,” I said, handing Morgan my phone, giving up. I would have to talk to her later. She wasn’t hearing a word I said.

This thing was sweet. I was finding all sorts of things for the boys to think they found. Mostly garbage, but we still put it the sandwich baggies Morgan stuffed in their little jean pockets for all their treasures.

I looked back at Morgan still on the phone and back to the boys digging for another bottle cap. Nicky was one up on Tadpole. He now had two bottle caps, a rusty nail and a hairpin. Tadpole had a bottle cap a washer and a seashell. He insisted his magic detector said it was a treasure. Whatever, it could be treasure.

I looked up at Morgan walking toward us, not understanding the look on her face. She looked pissed. Was she pissed at Alicia?

Nope…I took my phone from being crushed in my chest.

“Mr. Kris with a K would like for you to call him ASAP. He’s got another buyer for the store in New York. He needs to know if you can make it by Friday. Can you Drew? Can you make time to go buy another f—f—f store in New York without telling your wife?” It was all I could do to hold back the F bomb in front of the boys and the passing runner.

“Morgan, stop. I’m not buying that store.”

“You think I’m stupid. You think you’re going to drag me to this town close to the city and I’m going to fall in love. I’m not. I’m not going to fall in love, because the boys and I aren’t going there.”

Morgan tried to storm away, but I grabbed the back of her hoodie.

“Dad, I found somepton,” Tadpole called, bending over.

“Okay, you start digging and see what you find. Morgan, I’m not buying that store, and Center Station is on the other side of the state, near Buffalo.”

“Why did you go to New York, Drew?” Morgan asked. Dammit. I hated this look on her face. We were doing so good.

“I went there to buy the store, but it didn’t turn out that way. I don’t want to move you to New York City. I just want you to come to this town and spend the holidays with me.”

“You’re never going to learn, Drew. I don’t know why I even try. No matter how good you can be, you can always be just as bad. Why do you have to be such a sneaky, lying, conniving piece— I’m tired, Drew,” Morgan recanted before calling me a piece of shit. “You could have just ran it by me, you know, Drew? You don’t know what I would say, because you don’t care. You think Morgan is always going to do what Drew thinks is best. You think I will follow you anywhere and if you think I am going anywhere near New York, you’re sadly mistaken.”

“Morgan. It wasn’t like that,” I said, pulling her arm to keep from leaving again. I held onto her sleeve while telling the boys I’d be over in a minute.

“Did you buy a store in New York?”

“No.”

“Did you buy anything in New York?”

“This,” I tried, holding up the metal detector and got the look.

“You did. Didn’t you, Drew?”

“Morgan, just listen to me.”

“Fuck you, Drew. Fuck you and your trust me bullshit. I’m never doing that again. I’m not moving to New York. The boys and I will stay right here.”

I let her go when she jerked her arm. Morgan was pissed and it was best to let her be pissed, alone for a while. I spent at least an hour on the beach with the boys before heading back, hoping she’d be calmed down before we got back. She wasn’t.

Morgan was hanging the dishtowel on the hook when we entered. The boys ran to her with their baggies, excited to show off what they found. She wouldn’t look at me. She squatted to the floor and observed the excitement of buried junk.

“How about you guys go get a bath and mommy will wash it up for you. Bathwater’s ran,” Morgan coldly said, taking Tadpole’s hand. She still didn’t look at me. I lay across my bed and texted her while Nicky played in our tub, building a bridge out of a plastic piece of racetrack.

Drew—Morgan I swear I wasn’t trying to connive you.

Drew—I know you’ve got your phone. Please don’t be mad at me. Trust me, Morgan. I swear I’m going to make this right.

Drew—Morgan? Please?

Drew—<98767453 you.

Nothing. Morgan wasn’t speaking to me. Morgan wasn’t speaking to me through the phone or in person. If I was in one room, she went to another. If I talked to her, she answered without looking at me. She mostly watched television, talked to the boys, and texted on her phone. I was sure she was texting Alicia. I hated how she could run right to her and spill everything, but she wouldn’t talk to me.

She closed the bathroom door when she showered, shutting me out. I followed and straddled the toilet.

“Will you just stop, Drew? Leave me alone for a while.”

Seeing deep purple stripes lingering on her ass left me feeling sick. Morgan did that for me. Morgan would do anything in the world for me, and I kept fucking it up. If I could just get her to see it wasn’t intentional.

“Morgan, I swear I didn’t buy a store in the city.”

Morgan shook her head and rolled her eyes without moving, either. I read it in her eyes while she ducked her head under the water. With a frustrated groan. I squatted to her side and she pulled her soapy hand away from mine.

“I haven’t had a chance to tell you about it yet, but they have this barn that they converted into a therapy center. It’s the coolest thing ever, Morgan,” I explained. That would get her. If she saw how I was thinking about Nicky, she’d soften.

“You haven’t had a chance? You’ve been here for three days and you don’t have time to tell me that you lied, that you were off being your conniving, Drew self. You’re always going to be this Drew. You’re always going to make all the decisions, but know one thing, Drew. You’re not making them for me anymore.”

I tried to tell myself that we weren’t turning this into a fight, that I was going to keep my cool and we were going to talk. Morgan was making it hard.

“I don’t make your decisions. You do whatever you want and you know it.” Okay, that wasn’t bad. A little elevated, but not too bad. I kept it level and reminded my wife that she made plenty of her own decisions.

“Whatever, I’m not doing this,” she said, running one of those pink puff ball looking things over her body. Had I not screwed this up, that one sight of the tiny strips faintly across her ass would have already had me in there with her. I knew the guy was going to call. Why the hell did I give her my phone?

“Our boys would have been pretty disappointed today if you wouldn’t have taken care of the birthday present. That was your decision, not mine.”

Morgan stood, letting soap and water run off her body. Her angry eyes hit mine and the punches started. “That wasn’t a decision, Drew. That was a knowing, a knowing you’d screw it up and go buy some thousand-dollar contraption because some salesman smooth-talked you. That’s all that was.”

“Okay, well I sure as hell didn’t make the decision to make you a junky.”

“Yeah, you sort of did,” Morgan accused, pulling the towel around her. “You want to live in fucking toy land and pretend like life doesn’t happen every goddamn day. That’s what you want. I can’t do that. That’s pretty low, coming from a man that I have to ask before I cut my hair.”

The higher Morgan’s voice got, the hotter my blood ran. I spun her to the door when she tried to walk away from me and held her there by her arms.

“Why do you have to make everything out to be something? Why can’t you just go with the flow and stop trying to do everything in your power to fight it,” I yelled close to her face with gritted teeth.

“Because it’s your flow, Drew. Not mine. I don’t want to float with you anymore and I don’t want to fight your current anymore. I’m going for a walk,” she said moving around me. Morgan’s voice wasn’t loud anymore. It was shaky and full of pain. I watched her swipe at the falling tear with the back of her hand and let her go.

“Morgan,” I softly spoke, trying to take her fingers. “Talk to me.”

She pulled away. “And tell you what, Drew? That I’m angry that I still have all these tears over you after all these years? I’m going for a walk.”

Normally I would have never let her take off along the beach alone after dark, but I knew I would be doing more harm than good if I tried to stop her. I watched her walk away, following her out to the deck. My eyes tailed her pissed off stomps until her silhouette disappeared. I couldn’t blame this one on Celeste. This one was all on me, my own stupidity. Now what the hell was I supposed to do?

I tried to keep my mind occupied with research on John’s dream. I was overly impressed, reading through some of the reviews of the developmental camp, before the state shut them down. John was right. He came highly recommended from people from around the country. One lady said she drove her child to the facility forty miles one way, every day. That’s how much John had helped her little boy.

If I could just get Morgan to see that this wasn’t me being selfish. This was me trying not to be selfish. There was nothing sneaky about it, not Center Station anyway. The store in the city, yeah, but not this. I never meant for it to be this way.

Although I was one that believed in creating your own destiny, I was learning that sometimes you couldn’t do that. The people I loved didn’t understand it. Nicholas couldn’t change who he was, and Morgan couldn’t understand why I was the way I was, why I felt the need to control her and everything in my life. I couldn’t and I was learning that. I just needed her to trust me on this. Just one more time. Reading about the town pressed me to believe it was destiny. That I didn’t get lost in this one horse town by accident. If I could just get her there I knew we’d be okay.

By midnight, I was extremely worried. What if something happened? Where could she be? It wasn’t like she had girlfriends here. I mean she did, like mommies from the rec center and all, but no one I’d ever known her to do anything with. Maybe she was at her moms. Maybe she just needed her mom and someone to talk to.

I knew I should have gone home after the third drink, after some random guy bought me another one. I chose this bar because I knew I could walk to it and Alicia and I had gone there once when Drew and Celeste were out of town. I never told him.

“Thanks, but I’ve got to get going,” I told the bartender. The tattooed guy sat beside me and slid it back, taking it from the bartender’s hands.

“One more.” He smiled. He smelled like he just smoked an ashtray and I wasn’t born yesterday. I knew his intentions. I didn’t care about them. I’d been sitting there for two hours, nursing Vodka and cranberry juice. I wasn’t drunk at all, only because I wanted the pill Drew had and I couldn’t think about anything else.

“Thanks, but I really need to be going. My husband’s waiting outside for me.”

“Liar. You’ve been sitting here crying in your drink for two hours,” he teased with a smile. I smiled a half smile back with a deep sigh. Couldn’t argue with that, but I did hold up my left hand and let him see my ring. I waited for him to say something in amazement about the very expensive wedding set I wore, but he didn’t.

“You jonesing?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your hands. That’s what I do when I need a fix.”

That caught my interest. “What kind of fix?”

“Mine is snow and pills, what’s yours?”

“What kind of pills?” I said, asking the important questions only.

He shrugged his shoulders and moved my drink in front of me again. I sipped it and waited for a response.

“My name’s Blain. Yours?” he asked, offering a hand.

I shook his hand and told him my name, comparing his strong working-man hands to Drew’s soft, gentle hands. Blain’s fingernails were caked in grease and he had healing bloody knuckles.

“That’s not from a fight. It’s from a wrench letting loose inside a motor. This one’s from a fight,” he teased, showing me his other hand.

I sort of smiled, but didn’t really care. “You said pills. What kind of pills?”

“I knew it. I could tell by how fidgety you are. What’s your flavor?”

“I don’t know. I only have Lortab and my husband is controlling those right now.” Voices in my head screamed to get up and walk away. Nothing good could come from this.

“Got some Oxy’s.”

I knew he was probably talking about OxyContin and I knew what kind of high you could get from them. I’d had them after my accident and surgery once, but I didn’t remember how they made me feel.

“Come on, let’s go in the bathroom.”

I should have stopped right there. I should have said goodbye and gone home to my husband. But…I didn’t. I followed my new best friend, Blain, to the men’s room. He small-talked about the song that filled the bar, sending a crowd full of people, singing drunk to “Friends in Low Places.” I pretended to give a shit about the stupid song, noticing the chain hooked to a belt loop, extending to a wallet in his back pocket.

Adrenaline rushed my veins when Blain ushered me in and locked the door. What the fuck was I doing here? I have no idea what he was mumbling about, the endorphins being released in my brain was too loud to comprehend.

Blain talked like we were old friends, taking a razorblade from his chained wallet and then a plastic baggy full of little brown pills. “These are 40s. I’ll let you try a line for free. Have you ever snorted before? I’d only do half if it’s your first time.”

I heard that. Every last word. Snort? The words, telling him I wasn’t snorting pain pills up my nose in the bathroom of some bar while my husband worried about me at home with my children never found my lips. I nodded, feeling overwhelmed by my exciting, intense situation.

I watched while he talked, chopping up one pill with the razorblade. He rolled the dollar bill and handed it to me and I had no idea what to do. I was doing drugs in a bar with a guy who could very well be gone at any second. Gone because I would be passed out while he dragged me to his car and to my death. All the logic was there. Everything in me screamed to get the hell out of there and my hand did the opposite. I was flipping a coin on my life. Heads I win, tails he wins.

“You do it first,” I coaxed. The way I figured it, if he was willing to do it first, I was probably safe. He hunched over the counter and snorted the entire right line.

I took the bill and pressed one nostril closed. Holding the dollar bill to the clear one, I snorted, breathing the entire line up one nostril just like they did on television, and stood. Blain smiled and started talking. That’s when I knew for sure this was nothing more than a drug deal. Blain wanted money, not me.

“Huh? Yeah?” he questioned with a smile while I felt the instant relief. The shakes were promptly gone, the nervous feeling disappeared, and a calm that I had been waiting all evening for came over me. I smiled and nodded. Hell yeah. Sign me up.

“Okay, I get twenty bucks a pill, but if you buy all of them, I’ll give them to you for fifteen.”

“How many do you have?” I asked. I couldn’t be going in to bars and meeting up with guys in a dark bathroom. I wanted them all and hoped like hell he had enough to keep me going for a while.

“Wait a second!” Blain called to the pounding door. “I brought ten.”

Damn, that wasn’t many. “I’ll take all of them and I’ll give you ten bucks a pill.” I don’t know why I negotiated with the guy. It wasn’t the money. I would have pulled a thousand out of the ATM at that moment. Life was majestic and I no longer had a care in the world. I guess it was a Drew kind of thing. Drew negotiated everything he could.

After securing my little stash in my front pocket, I pulled the cash out from the ATM right outside the door and got my new friend’s number. Dr. Blain was what he was stored as. I knew Drew went through my phone regularly. He wasn’t supposed to. It was a trust thing Deidra said he had to learn to deal with, without being a controlling idiot. He never just said, “give me your phone” and searched it like he once did, but I knew when I left it alone with him, he did. I didn’t care because I had nothing to hide, and if it made him happy it didn’t really bother me.

I walked the beach back to the house, feeling way better than I had when I left. I knew Drew was going to be pissed, but I didn’t really care. So was I.

“You okay?” he asked. He didn’t sound pissed at all.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m going to bed.”

“Where have you been?”

“Over at Whales Bar and Grill.”

Drew closed his laptop when I walked around the table toward the kitchen. I didn’t even care what he was hiding. It didn’t concern me because it would be a cold day in hell before I followed him anywhere. I wasn’t going to New York. City or not.

My bed felt amazing, or did the Oxy feel amazing? Regardless, I wasn’t feeling any pain. I felt relaxed, calm, and ready for sleep.

“Here,” Drew said, forcing my eyes to open.

I peered out of one opened eye, noticing the pill and the water. Shit. I didn’t need that. That might be pushing it a little.

“Here, do you want this?”

“No, I’m fine, and that pisses me off.”

“What? What pisses you off? I’m so lost here I don’t know whether I’m coming or going with you.”

“You’re the lost one? That’s funny Drew. You’re the only one who knows where we’re going. The rest of us are just supposed to tag along. And that pisses me off because any other time, you make me ask for them. Are you just being nice tonight, Drew, or is this something new we’re doing? Now you’re just going to give them to me? We’re done with the asking game now?” This was getting out of control. I couldn’t take much more of this, and I really didn’t want to. When was enough, enough?

I jerked the covers up to my chin and turned away from him, letting him know I was done.

“Morgan will you listen to me? Please?”

I ignored him and closed my eyes.

The next day was much of the same. Drew and I ignored each other or made smart remarks back and forth. And sometimes, when the boys were out of earshot, we’d let it get a little carried away. I didn’t know what he expected. Alicia agreed with me. I bet I could have asked everyone on the street if they would be pissed and they would say yes.

Maybe I wouldn’t even care so much if he included me, too. Why was that too much to ask? Never mind the fact that I was the wife, the mother, the one who should have a say in anything major. It wasn’t like I was mad over nothing.

“Hey, what’s this?” Drew asked me pulling me by my arm to look at his computer screen. “Why did you need that much money at the bar? Why do you have two withdrawals? One from Whales and one from an ATM. Did you lie to me, Morgan?” Drew asked, questioning my spending. Of course, that pissed me off, but not as much as the transaction six rows up.

“Hey, Drew,” I whispered, bending close to his ears. Nicky and Tad were right in front of us, playing with Legos on the living room floor. “What’s that right there,” I pointed to a six hundred and fifty thousand dollars deposit, and then the line where it was taken right back out of our joint checking. Had Drew not called me over to point out my spending habits I would have never known it.

That caught him off guard and he stumbled on his words. I patted him on the back and helped him out a little. “Are you losing it, Drew? You don’t normally slip up like that,” I pondered in a low tone and walked away. Un-fucking-believable. And I was just supposed to be okay with that? Especially when Drew thought he was going to stand there and hand me his shit about my pocket change.

Not sure what to do about the pills Drew kept from me, I retrieved my previous purchase. I didn’t need his pills and I didn’t want them. I had my own, but I knew I couldn’t just stop asking for them. Deciding not to take one of my new ones until I asked Drew for one of my prescription pills, I swallowed my pride and asked.

“I need a pill.”

“Morgan, will you please just listen to me? I can explain every bit of this if you just give me a chance.”

“You mean like when you explained you bought a three million dollar house in LA, or did you mean the eleven million dollar business? When would you like to explain it, now or two days before we move?”

“Morgan.”

“I’m. Not. Going,” I assured Drew.

“So what are you saying then, Morgan? Are you saying you want a divorce?”

“Just give me a pill.”

“Answer my question. Is that what you want? If you think for one second that you’re keeping me from these boys, you’re sadly mistaken. You’ll be the every other weekend parent. Not me.”

“So that is your plan. You are planning to move us to New York.”

“I—Its—I mean,” Drew muttered.

“I know, Drew. I get it. You’re a piece of shit. You don’t own me like property,” I retaliated in his face. That pushed a button. Drew turned on me, slammed me against the cupboard, and wrapped his fingers around my throat.

“You need to stop. You need to stop with all this, Morgan. I’m warning you. Stop!”

I felt Drew’s hand release the grip, but held the position. My hand went to his wrist and one tear slid down my face.

“It’s always going to be like this, Drew,” I quietly said, moving around him just in time for Tadpole to run around the corner and wipeout.

I was happy for the distraction. Babying Tad for the next twenty minutes, rocking him while he acted like he was dying in agony was a needed diversion. Drew would have followed me had Tad not fallen and this would have continued in our room. Instead, I tended to Tadpole and he handed me the pill. I took it, pretended to put it in my mouth, and swallowed the water he held for me.

As soon as he was gone I slid it in my pocket and began my stash. I’d come back to that one when I needed it. Once Tad was finished with his tantrum, I went to the bathroom and took one whole pill from my friend Blain. It wasn’t the same as it was before, and for a second, I thought I’d been hustled. It took longer to take effect and it wasn’t the same buzz. This was what I waited all day for?

Within twenty minutes, I did feel better, but it still wasn’t the same. The math in my head told me the nine pills would last about three days like this. If I was going to make them last I was going to have to do what Blain taught me to do. That would get me through Thanksgiving Day with my family. Then I would meet Blain again for a few more. Problem solved.

Only I didn’t have enough to wait until then. I learned pretty quickly that snorting the pills rather than taking them got to me a lot sooner with a more intense high. I used Drew being a controlling ass to justify the need.

I was just going over my menu for the next day when Drew walked into his office and closed the door to take a call. I shook my head and turned back to my next day’s plan.

“Nicky, don’t do that,” I lectured, watching him swing a yo-yo around the air. My eyes landed on Drew’s when he exited his office and looked at me with a look I’d seen before. Something was coming. I just didn’t know what.

“Morgan, I swear this wasn’t planned.”

“Of course it wasn’t. What did you do now?”

“I listed it two days ago. I thought for sure it would take months to sell.” That’s how he told me our house was on the market. “We need to go pack and get the movers going. I told them we could be out in thirty days.”

“Oh, okay. Great. I’m going to go bathe the boys,” I said, stepping around him. I had to. I was about to go ape shit crazy on him.

“Morgan, listen to me.”

“Why?” I questioned, throwing him a ‘what’s the point?’ expression. Not waiting for a response, I went to bathroom to run bath water. I had a Thanksgiving dinner to prepare for everyone. Like that’s what I wanted to do right now. I didn’t even want to stay here. I wanted to get away for Christmas, but that wasn’t going to happen. Drew was going to make sure of it.

“And I’m just supposed to be okay with this?” I said to my reflection in the mirror, kicking my bathroom door closed with my heel. I turned on the water and looked at the door before retrieving a tiny little pill and a razorblade hidden on top of the light fixture. I chopped it up like a pro on my shiny granite countertop while I internally bitched about my husband.

Sure, Drew. Let’s just list the house without talking about it first. Let’s try to get moved out in the mist of the holidays. Why not. Hell, we might as well move to that little hick town you keep talking about, I ranted to myself. The smell of money touched my nostril and I snorted one of the two lines. Breathing in relief, my closed eyes fluttered opened to Drew in my mirror. His mouth hung open and his hand was frozen to the doorknob.

“Drew, this isn’t what you think,” I instantly spoke. Shit. Why didn’t I lock the damn door?

“What the fuck are you doing, Morgan?” Drew asked in total disbelief.

“It’s not coke. I swear.”

“Why?”

The rest of our foundation crumbled at that very moment. I was so proud of Morgan for overcoming something she’d let become a crutch for her. She had barely asked for a pill, sometimes I offered and sometimes I didn’t. I wasn’t even worried about it anymore. I thought she’d kicked it. Had it licked. She didn’t. My wife was snorting something up her nose in a ten dollar bill.

There was nothing for me to do but walk out. I couldn’t talk to her without hurting her. My jaw hurt from being clinched all evening and I still couldn’t talk about it with her. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Nothing I did helped. I left Morgan to tend to the boys and I left. I had to go walk off some anger before we were alone together. I probably shouldn’t even come back.

Walking along the shore, I wondered where to go from here. What the hell to do to fix this. The notification in my pocket told me my wife just messaged me. I didn’t even want to see it. I swiped it away without even reading it. And then I frowned at Sole’s name, ringing from my phone.

“Hello, just wanted to touch base, see how things were going,” Sole spoke. I knew what he was calling for, and I knew the question wasn’t about my personal life. That’s what he got, though. For whatever reason, I laid the last three years of my life out to Solomon. I didn’t understand why everything had to be a fight with Morgan and me. And I wanted to fix it more than anything.

Solomon listened with Hmm Mmms’ and yeahs’, never interrupting. All the way to where I told him I just watched my wife snort drugs up her nose. Sole didn’t judge me. Not once did I feel like I shouldn’t have told him.

“Five years ago Stacy lost her mother to cancer,” he began his own story. “She cared for her for six months, watching her wither away to nothing more than a pile of bones. Two weeks after that, she had to have both her breasts removed, and Adam had just broken his leg. A lot of things fell on her shoulders that year. Things that happened rapidly, things she couldn’t change or control. I know what it’s like to have your wife addicted to pain pills. I know what it’s like to be walking in your shoes right now.”

“Stacy was addicted to pain medicine?” I asked. I’m not sure why that made it better, but it did for whatever reason.

“Very much so. I felt horrible for not knowing. I blamed myself for working fifteen hours a day and leaving her to deal with everything, and I blamed her for all the trouble our family was facing. You can fix this if you truly want to. If you truly love her. Don’t give up, Drew.”

“It’s not me I’m worried about. It’s her. I just feel like she’s done, she’s had enough and I keep screwing everything up. I know it must look like I purposely sold the house without telling her, but I didn’t. I thought I had plenty of time to talk to her,” I rattled on and on. I think I was trying to make sense of what Solomon just told me. He’d already walked in my shoes. Wow.

“Seems to me you’ve got the upper hand.”

“What do you mean?”

“Tough love. I had to threaten Stacy with her kids to get her to get help. She was past the point of me helping her. She needed professional help. We, too, were constantly fighting and she knew there was no judge in the state of New York that would have left those kids to her. She knew it, but she also knew she didn’t want to break up our family. That was the alternative. Either divorce me and walk away from everything, or get help. Simple as that. I know a really good place if you’re interested,” Sole offered.

“Yes, very much so.”

“Drew?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re not innocent in all this. Just so you know that. Tough love doesn’t mean she’s the bad guy. It means she’s dealing with a lot of things on her own. How much of that is from you?”

He was right. A lot of it was from me. I’ve always thought I had to make the decision for my family. I was the man of the house I was supposed to be. No matter how male chauvinist that made me, it was how I saw it. Sole and I finished up our conversation with the business he originally called for and then said goodbye. I was glad he called. I was glad Sole made me feel like it wasn’t the end of the world. He and Stacy looked so happy together. We could get it back, too. We had to.

Morgan was rocking lightly back and forth with Tadpole sleeping on her chest when I entered. Our trance held briefly while we both searched for words to say.

“I’ll take him,” I offered, lifting Tadpole from her arms. I smiled a sad, warm smile at the exact moment she did. She was trying to read my face, feel me out, expecting me to be mad. I wasn’t mad, not anymore. I felt horrible and I felt to blame, for all of it.

“Drew?” Morgan called from the couch. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t give her the reassuring smile she needed me to give. I was angry, I was blaming myself, and I was in shock. Never in a million years would I have consider what I saw with my own eyes. Not from Morgan.

“I’m going to shower,” I said, shifting Tadpole’s weight when his head fell to the side. I didn’t wait for a reply, I walked away.

Not one word was exchanged that night. Although we were both wide awake most of the night, neither of us slept. I stared up at the ceiling, contemplating Sole’s words. I had one shot at this, and I had to get it right.

Morgan and her mother work together in the kitchen while Caroline tried to get my non-cooperating boys to play a game. Tadpole didn’t want to play Sorry. He wanted to use the pawns for super heroes. He won because his red piece had special powers. Caroline gave up when Nicholas wanted to make a bridge out of the board.

“Happy Thanksgiving, I wish you guys were here,” Morgan said in her phone. My eyes looked to hers, but hers stared straight ahead. She ruffled Tad’s hair when she passed him and walked out to the deck to talk. I was sure it was Alicia. That could be a problem. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Morgan since I’d talked to her that morning.

I watched Morgan walk around, arms flailing while she talked to her friend. Yup this was bad. It’s not like she left me any choice. It was either Alicia or her mother and I was sure Morgan would have rather it be Alicia than her mother.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Morgan asked, stomping right past me and to our bedroom. Jason tilted his eyebrows inward, wishing me luck. Taking a deep breath, I followed my wife with an imaginary shield.

I pled my case first. “I was going to tell you, Morgan.”

“Sure you were, Drew. Was that before or after you were going to tell me you’re going to New York?”

“What? I mean, no. I was going to tell you at the same time.”

“So, tell me, Drew,” Morgan drilled, tapping her chin with her black painted finger nail. Since when did Morgan wear black nail polish? I didn’t like it. I did like the black dress slacks going all the way up her long legs. The waist was high, forcing her legs to look even longer, and the heels added another inch.

“Were you planning on telling me you had a babysitter coming to sit with me for a couple days while you were off in New York before the turkey or after?”

“Morgan…”

“Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t you ever fucking touch me again. Go, Drew. You go ahead and take care of what you need to take care of in New York, but I’ll tell you one thing, and you can take it ever how you want. I’m not stepping one goddamn foot in New York. I’m staying right here with my boys. If you choose to take off and buy stores without so much as bringing it up with me, then you can live there. I’m not.”

I held my tongue while Morgan told me everything that was on her mind. I wanted to understand where she was coming from, but I just couldn’t. What I’d seen with my own eyes wouldn’t let me.

“I’m not going to do this with you right now, Morgan. We have company. It’s Thanksgiving, let’s go be thankful for our family and we’ll hash this out later.”

“Or you can just go to hell. I’m so sick of your conniving, sneaky ways, I’m about to blow my top. I can’t stand you anymore, Drew.”

“Are you sure it’s me, or do you need to take a break to powder your nose?” I crossly asked.

“Oh, I’m sure it’s you, Drew. I already took care of that the last time you pissed me off. That was about forty five minutes ago, in case you care,” Morgan informed me, walking around me and out the door. I ran my fingers through my hair, and let her go. There was no point. Solomon’s encouraging words were dead. Fixing this seemed virtually impossible.

Thanksgiving dinner was as strained as the entire day was. Even Caroline noticed the thick bad energy around the table. Both boys were exceptionally well behaved and Morgan’s mom watched us carefully. I knew Morgan told her very little about what went on in her life. Although Morgan had forgiven her long ago, I think she still held a little animosity, things too deep to forgive her over an apology. At least she had Alicia to talk to. I wanted her to have someone. Morgan never looked at me, not one glance. That was the worst Thanksgiving dinner I’d ever had. Quiet, strained, and weird as hell.

“I’m taking my family and going to my house to watch some football. You two should put these boys down for a nap and go make up,” Jason suggested, gathering his troops. Fat chance of that happening. Morgan wouldn’t even look at me.

Jason wasn’t lying. As soon as Amanda helped clean up, he rushed them along. I don’t blame him. The air was suffocating. I took the boys and changed them from their dress clothes to more comfortable lounging around clothes and we piled around the sofa. Morgan messed around, cleaning up and then went to our room alone where she sat in a chair and faced the ocean with her tablet and a book.

Tadpole was just climbing up her lap when I went to fetch him, trying to give her some time to herself.

“Come on, little man. Let’s let Mommy read her book.”

“No, I gonna read it, too,” he yawned.

“You need a haircut,” Morgan decided, brushing it from his forehead. She kissed his head and looked up to me. “I’m pretty sure I can handle Tadpole. You can go,” she smartly replied.

“I never said you couldn’t handle him. I was merely stating the fact that you’re trying to read.”

“I want to read, too,” Nicholas informed me, sliding me out of the way to get to his mom. Morgan moved to the side and Nicholas climbed in beside her.

“You can go,” she said, dismissing me. I didn’t know who this Morgan was. Morgan had absolutely no love in her eyes. None. The ice glistening in her eyes was felt just as much as it was seen. Morgan hated me. This was never going to work. I took a long audible breath and left her, looking through her tablet for a book for the boys.

I ate a slice of pumpkin pie and watched the highlights of the football scores. I didn’t really keep up with the sport, but it gave me something to talk about with Jason. At least I didn’t look like the minority of men who didn’t watch sports. I grew up around diamonds and businessmen, not football.

Ten minutes hadn’t gone by when I got the message.

Morgan—Can you come and get one of these boys. They’re both sleeping.

Drew—Yes, will you talk to me?

Of course, there was no response. I picked up Nicholas and took him first. He looked the most uncomfortable tucked behind Morgan with his head to his chest. I had to scoop Tadpole up from our bed, because Morgan laid him there.

“He can sleep there. I’m just reading,” she said over the brim of her glasses.

“You’ve been at forty-one percent for two days. Either you’re not into the book, or you can’t focus on it. I’m going to bet it’s the latter. I’m going to put Tad in his bed and we’re going to talk.”

I walked out without another word. I heard her say, “like hell we are,” but I didn’t reply to it. We were going to talk about something even if it did end in a screaming match. I couldn’t take the ignoring me bullshit for one more second. My mind reviewed what I wanted to say, while I laid Tad down. That’s when he changed my plans.

Not only did he throw up all over my shirt, it went down my shirt. I did the only thing I knew how to do.

“Morgan!” I called three times, before she heard me.

“I heard you the first time. What’s wrong, buddy?” she asked, taking Tadpole and removing his shirt. I left her to clean him while I cleaned myself. Needless to say, we didn’t talk. She was back to ignoring me after Nicholas got sick, too.

We spent the rest of the day forcing Pedialyte and popsicles down our children’s throats. It was almost like old times except Morgan and I didn’t touch. Nicholas and Tadpole laid over both of us on the sofa while we watched a Thanksgiving special on the Hallmark channel.

It sure didn’t feel like we had much to be thankful for, but when the guy on the movie told the girl to find one thing to be thankful for, I knew. I knew I was thankful for my family. No matter the rotten place we were, I still wouldn’t trade them for the world, not one of them.

Morgan excused herself when Tadpole fell asleep in her arms. She shifted him to the pillow and covered his sleeping little body. We did make about half a second eye contact when she slid the trashcan closer to him, just in case.

Morgan stayed in the bathroom for almost an hour. I’m assuming she sat in a hot tub, and I hated to think what else she was doing. Ignoring it like she did seemed to be the only way. I showered next, leaving both boys asleep on the sofa. Neither of them had gotten sick in almost three hours and I was hoping we were out of the woods. I wasn’t looking forward to a long night of sick kids and I really needed to fly out the next day. I wouldn’t leave Morgan with two sick boys.

Morgan sighed and rolled to her side with her tablet when I entered from the bathroom in a towel. That was on purpose, but her rolling away from me told me I may as well slide on the basketball shorts. Instead of covering myself, I slid under the covers and took her tablet.

I got the dirty look and the eye roll. “Drew, don’t.”

“Sit up. Let’s play a game,” I coaxed, leaning against the headboard.

“Let’s not. I’m sick of your games.”

“Sit up, Morgan,” I ordered again.

“Oh my god. What? What do you want, Drew?” she hastily asked, sitting beside me.

“Truth or dare?”

“What?”

“Truth or dare? I’ll go first and you have to either answer my questions or take the dare.”

“And what’s the dare?”

“I don’t know. When was the last time you had an orgasm. Surly you can think of something. I know I can.”

“It was a couple hours ago in the tub. I don’t need you to make me have an orgasm. I can do it just fine myself,” Morgan argued.

“I’m sure you can. So can I,” I assured her, moving the covers to my hand around my cock. Her eyes went right to my growing erection and I stroked, giving her what I hoped would make her crack.”

“What do you want to know?” Morgan asked not taking her eyes from my now fully erect cock. I think it got harder the moment I saw the lust in her eyes.

Yes! Victory was mine for the taking.

I truly believed I was beginning to hate Drew. Everything about him pissed me off. The whole situation pissed me off and he wasn’t reacting to what he’d walked into like he should be. I wasn’t wearing new welts across my ass. He wasn’t arguing about the pills at all. Regardless of how I felt about any of it, watching Drew stroke himself reminded me of how long it had been since my husband touched me. My clitoris vibrated instantly at the sight. Drew covered himself as soon as I asked what he wanted to know. Shit.

“Should I be worried?” he asked, still jerking beneath the covers. Stupid man.

“About what?”

“You. Do you need help?”

“No. Is it my turn now?” I asked.

“That’s all the answer I get? Is no?”

“What else is there?”

“What did you put up your nose?”

“That’s not the same question.”

“Okay fine. Go.”

“Why all the secrets? Why do you do everything behind my back? You should have known Alicia was going to tell me. Were you expecting her to just show up here without me knowing you hired a sitter for me?”

“That’s way more questions than I asked, but unlike you, I’ll answer it. I am not keeping secrets. I asked you to trust me and you haven’t done it yet. I’m trying my damndest to take care of this and you won’t let me. I didn’t think this would happen so soon. I was going to tell you everything. I swear. Even Alicia, and I didn’t hire her. She would never take money for coming here to sit with you. She loves you.”

“Why are you going to New York?”

“It’s not your turn anymore,” Drew reminded me. “Truth or dare?”

Jesus, I wanted to take the dare. I knew it had something to do with the hardness I saw under the covers. I looked down and back to his eyes, contemplating my move.

“Truth.”

“What kind of pills and where did you get them?”

“They’re my pills. After I crushed them once I realized I didn’t need as much and the relief was instant.”

“The relief or the high? You’re lying. Why did you have a withdrawal for a hundred bucks and a bar tab?”

“Can I chose dare?” I asked not wanting to do this.

“Too late. Tell me the truth.”

“It’s OxyContin. I bought it from a guy at the bar,” I shamefully admitted, staring down at my hands. The held breath beside me was deafening and all action beneath the covers halted. I was sure I’d just knocked Drew clear off his feet.

“I want to be really mad at you right now. What on earth were you thinking, Morgan?”

“It’s not your turn anymore,” I sadly reminded him. I wasn’t thinking. That was one of the problems. The other problem was I had a problem.

“Fine, go,” Drew ordered with a little more of an edge now. He was pissed.

“Truth or dare? Say dare.”

“Truth,” he replied, moving his hand up and down his shaft again.

“Say dare,” I coaxed, moving my eyes to his. The corner of his lip fought against curling.

“You can’t tell me what to say.”

“But you’re going to keep going until we’re fighting and one of us storms out. I don’t want to be mad anymore,” I explained, feeling way too excited to ruin it with anger. Drew hadn’t sparked these feeling in quite some time and I wanted to act on lust not the truth.

“Dare,” he rasped.

“I dare you to touch me,” I said with the same sultry tone while looping my panties in my thumbs and sliding them to my feet.

“Where?” Drew asked, pumping his fist a little harder below the covers.

I slid my black nails up my legs and whispered. “Here.”

Drew didn’t hesitate before shifting his body a little and sliding his finger up my throbbing, wet slit. Holy mother of all pearls. It sure as hell didn’t feel like that when I did it. Not even in the same ballpark. I whimpered a little, letting my knee drop toward Drew. He pulled my leg to his bare chest and watched while sliding his middle finger inside me. That one was more than a whimper. Jesus, why did we stop doing this? I could hate him and fuck him. “Aahh…Yes, right there, baby.”

“Truth or dare?” Drew asked, retracting his finger completely with a smirk. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Dare,” I practically yelled, hoping to stop with the questions and do it already.

“Kiss me.”

“What?” I accidently said. I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting him to gag me with his cock.

“You never kiss me anymore. I miss it.”

Wow. Drew was asking for a kiss, not a blowjob. I wasn’t expecting him to pull me so close to him, either. Our bodies molded together while we stared at each other’s lips, moving closer and closer languidly. It wasn’t like the romance books I read. It wasn’t like a first kiss at all. It was like a nostalgic kiss. I missed it, too. I missed being this close to Drew. I missed feeling Drew.

Unlike Drew, I didn’t pull away. I wanted to kiss him forever, forget real life, and live in the parallel universe. The perfect world. Drew kissed me just as desperately as I kissed him, both needing something from each other. The next few minutes played out the opposite way my mind was playing them. Drew never went down on me, Drew never forced me to my knees, and Drew never left a handprint across my ass.

After gently rolling me to my back, Drew’s lips left mine long enough to remove my nightshirt. His warm hands caressed my breasts while our lips reunited with tangled tongues. I moaned in his mouth when I felt the head of his cock slide slowly into me. That’s what we did. Drew wasn’t playing a game, not at that moment anyway. Drew was making love. Drew was pulling emotions from me I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Why did he have to be so complicated? Why did he have to feel this good? This fucked up phenomenon between us made it all worth it. This love right here was the reason we kept going.

“Drew. Aahh shit, baby,” I called, letting go. I was trying to tell him I was going to come, but the urge was too strong. I came, feeling surge after surge engulf my entire body. Drew pumped deep, three more times and spewed inside me. I panted, breathing in the last of the joy, and relishing it for as long as I could. It would be over very soon.

“Morgan?” Drew said my name from above me. His fingers brushed my cheek and I wanted to get up. I knew he was going to do this.

“What, Drew?” I asked exasperated.

“Give me until the first.”

“Excuse me?” I questioned. Drew was full of what-the-hells tonight.

“Just do what I say for one more month. Spend the next few weeks with me, doing everything I say until the first.”

“What happens after the first?”

“That depends.”

“On what?” I asked, confused. What was he trying to say?

“On whether or not you’re clean.”

“Move,” I coaxed, wanting up. Of course, that would have been too easy.

“You’re right, Morgan. I don’t want this either. If this is the way it’s going to be, we’ll co-parent in different homes, but not if you’re still doing drugs. I’m not leaving these boys alone in your care for five minutes until I know it’s safe to do so.”

“You’re saying you would take my kids?” I asked in total disbelief. We always said on the rare occasion that we would ever split up, we would co-parent, both promising not to be that parent. The ones that used the kids against the other parent. Neither of us would ever do that. Or would we?

“That’s exactly what I am saying. You need help, Morgan. More help than I can give you.”

“Fuck you, Drew. It’ll be a cold day in hell before you ever keep me from my kids.”

“I never said I would keep you from them, but they’ll always be in my care and you’ll see them on my terms.”

“You want a divorce?” I asked, shoving him off of me. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to lay there with his dick in me while he threatened me with my children. Asshole.

“No, I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want this, any of it, Morgan. I’m asking you to give me until the first of the year with you doing everything I want from here on out. Once the month of December is over, I’ll grant you whatever you want as long as you’re clean.”

“You can’t threaten me with my kids to get your way, Drew. That’s not how life works,” I assured him, reminding him how the majority of society works.

I turned my head when Drew tried to kiss me. “You call it whatever you want to call it, my love.”

I watched him walk away, staring after him. Who the hell did he think he was? This wasn’t some dictatorship where he got to call all the shots. We were supposed to be in this together.

None of the next months’ events were my idea. Drew held true to his word and left me as soon as Alicia arrived the following afternoon. I was happy Alicia was there. I was sick and Nicholas and Tadpole were not. I couldn’t hold my head up without throwing up.

“I feel bad for leaving you sick,” Drew said, sliding my hair from my forehead.

I pulled the covers tighter around my neck. “I wouldn’t let you take care of me anyway,” I assured him. He chuckled a little and kissed my forehead.

“I love you, Morgan Kelley, and this next month is going to be the best month you’ve ever had. Get better soon. I’ll see you in a couple days.”

“Okay,” I mumbled. I didn’t want to be too mean, not when he was getting ready to leave me for a couple days.

“Tell me you love me.”

“I love you. I just wish you would stop being so difficult”

“I’m working on it, baby. Trust me.”

Drew laughed again when I groaned, exasperated with him and his trust me ways. I spent the majority of the day in bed. Alicia took care of me and my rambunctious boys, keeping them out of my room so I could rest.

The bug ran through me as quickly has it had the boys. I was feeling much better by the evening. Sitting on the toilet, I watched Nicholas and Tadpole play in the same tub. Nicholas wouldn’t do that for anyone but Alicia for whatever reason. He wanted his own bathtub.

“Hey, feel better?” Alicia asked from the floor.

“Yeah, I think so. I feel bad for you coming here, though. Drew’s a little over dramatic.”

“I don’t think he’s being over dramatic. Not if what he told me is true. Is it, Morgan?”

“Come on, Tadpole,” I sighed, taking a towel from the closet.

“Morgan?” Alicia questioned.

“Just be my friend, Alicia, not Drew’s friend. Just mine, okay?”

“Okay.” She nodded.

“I will be your friend,” Tadpole assured me, wrapping his little arms around my neck. I smiled and kissed his wet cheeks.

“You need help, pal?” I asked Nicholas.

“No. I’m big. I can wash my own hair,” he assured me.

“I’ll watch, just in case you have any monkeys escaping,” Alicia teased him. He assured her there were no monkeys in his hair by scrubbing the baby shampoo with his fingers and giggling.

“Do you want a drink?” Alicia asked once both my boys were sound asleep.

“No, I don’t think my stomach is ready for alcohol. I’m going to grab a shower and we’ll wrap ourselves in warm blankets and sit on the deck.”

“Call Drew.”

“You talked to him?” I asked peculiarly. What? Now my best friend was going behind my back, talking to my husband? Great…

“Yeah, he was afraid you were still sick. He thought you might be sleeping or something.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“What?”

“Drew Kelley doesn’t care if I am sleeping, let alone sick.”

“Morgan, he doesn’t know what to do to help you. He’s trying.”

“I’m going to shower.”

“Morgan.”

“I’m fine, Alicia. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be quick,” I added, leaving her alone with her condescending expression. I didn’t want her pity. I didn’t need Alicia feeling sorry for me. That’s not why I needed my friend, and I sure as hell didn’t want her being Drew’s friend.

After a quick shower, I took my last pill from the tiny baggy and texted my new friend.

Morgan—Hey, got anything for me?

Dr. Blain—You know it. Just picked up a fresh batch. How many?

Morgan—Do you have 30?

Dr. Blaine—Yup, 15 each.

Morgan—10

Dr. Blain—Can’t do it. I can get rid of all of them for 15 right now. You in or not?

Morgan—Fine, can I meet you tomorrow around ten in the morning?

Dr. Blain—Works for me. Same place. I’ll be in a black Infinity with tinted windows.

Morgan—See you tomorrow.

I chopped up my last pill with the razorblade and smiled at my reflection. Control this, Drew… My head spun to Alicia’s sad expression. Oh my god. Really? I was ready to scream. I didn’t need Alicia playing babysitter for me. I ignored her and did it right in front of her. She leaned against the counter and watched without a word.

My eyes shifted to hers for a second while I chopped the substance into powder. The smell of money was long gone from my ten dollar bill and all I could smell was relief. I closed off one nostril and breathed in a long line of dust, instantly feeling the effects.

“What’s it do?” Alicia asked, watching me get ready for the second line.

“It’s not what you think, Alicia. I’m not a druggy. It’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like. Why, Morgan? I don’t understand.”

“It’s hard to explain. Let’s go sit on the deck,” I coaxed, hiding my stash in a small makeup bag that I knew Drew would never look in.

Alicia and I sat out on the deck, wrapped in warm blankets. I poured my heart out to her once again.

“I used to hate this feeling. Whenever I was in the hospital, I would endure the pain for as long as I could until I couldn’t take it for one more second.”

“But now you like it?” Alicia asked, trying to understand.

“It’s not like that. Drew and I were constantly fighting, I hardly ever took them. One day when we were trying to potty train Tadpole, I had a migraine from Drew and Tad. I took two and realized I not only had more patience with my kids, but also Drew. We went to bed and had amazing sex that night. I did it again the next day, and the next, and the next, until I was up to six and eight pills again,” I explained, sipping tepid hot cocoa.

“And now you’re snorting it? Why?”

“This is something different. This isn’t my prescription.”

“Morgan, what are you doing?” Alicia asked, concerned.

I took a long breath of sea salt air, and replied honestly. “I don’t know, Alicia. I’m not sure how much more I can take. Don’t worry, I’m going to stop once we get through the holidays.”

“Do you know what you’re doing?”

“For the holidays?” I questioned. “I’m not sure yet. Do you know?” I asked, turning to Alicia. She did. She knew something I didn’t know. I could see it when she turned away from me.

“No, I don’t know. All I know is Drew has the movers packing your things in California.”

“When?” I asked, instantly feeling anger. If he was moving us out without so much as one word, I was going to punch him right between his dumb eyes.

“Now, I think. That’s all I know and I never found that out until I talked to Celeste earlier. I swear.”

“I have to go call Drew,” I said, standing. Alicia grabbed my arm and pulled me back to my chair.

“Don’t, Morgan. Just wait until tomorrow. There’s nothing you can do about it tonight. You’re just going to argue and be upset.”

“So you just want me to brush it under the rug, too? That’s what’s wrong with Drew, Alicia. Everyone gives him what he wants. Don’t say anything to upset Drew,” I whined. “I’m going to bed.” Alicia let me go with a heavy sigh. She knew as well as I did that I was going to call Drew.

That is exactly what I did. I removed my flannel pants and sat on my side of the bed with my legs crossed.

“Hi, love,” Drew answered.

“Are you packing up the house, Drew?” I pounced.

“Alicia?”

“Are you?”

“I just figured it was best for me to do it.”

“Of course you did. What about Nicholas? Although you’re too busy sneaking around and doing shit behind my back, I’m still the mother. The one concerned about how he’s going to accept the change you just keep deciding for us.”

“Morgan. Stop. I’m not even going to do this with you. I’m trying my best to make things right for you, for the boys. You won’t let me. You belong to me for the entire month of December. If you still hate me after that than you can go. I’m flying to LA in the morning to see things through, and then I’ll be home. Pack what you need from the beach house. You’re not going to be back there until the first of the year.”

“I’m not following you anywhere, Drew. I’ve already told you that.”

“Fine, Morgan, but the boys are. We’re flying to New York on the first with or without you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you.”

My eyes shifted to the blinking numbers on my phone. Shit. Stupid fucker. Now what.

“Want company?” Alicia asked from the door. She never gave me time to answer before she jumped in Drew’s side of the bed.

“I’m going to New York,” I announced with my hands in the air. How much more was I willing to take from this man? It’s a wonder I wasn’t an alcoholic on top of my other side addiction.

I looked down at the weather for the second time. “Morgan, I want to get going. We need to beat this storm coming in.”

“Okay, okay. I think we have everything,” Morgan said, looking around one more time. I’m not sure what happened while I was gone, but she wasn’t fighting me like I thought she would. That made me happy and a little scared at the same time. This was too easy.

“Brrr, it’s cold out here,” Morgan said, flipping up both the boys’ hoods.

“It’s hot at home,” Nicholas explained. Morgan looked back at me, and I knew she was putting this on my shoulders. He thought we were going home to California.

Once we were in the air, I explained to both boys that we were going to stay somewhere else for a little while, that we were going to spend Christmas in New York. Tadpole wanted to stay at the North Pole for Christmas and Nicholas didn’t want to stay there. He insisted that we should go to our own home. I was just getting ready to explain it when Morgan gasped. I looked over to her and she shook her head, trying to hide something from the boys.

My head nodded toward the back of the plane. Giving both boys a long beef jerky stick, Morgan glared at me. She hated when I brought the boys beef jerky. Pulling a stick of jerky from my pocket was like Christmas for both of them.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered to Morgan. Damn she smelled nice.

“Please tell me you got blanky out of the dryer.”

“No, did you tell me, too?”

“Oh my god, Drew. What the hell are we going to do now? We have to go back.”

“We’re not going back. We’ll tell your mom to mail it,” I countered. Center Station was about to get dumped on again with eight inches of snow. I wasn’t about to turn around, nor was I interested in getting my family stranded like I had myself.

“That could take days. He’s never going to sleep without it. You’re taking him to a strange place and he doesn’t have his blanket.”

“We can’t go back, Morgan.”

“Drew, this is not going to go well. This is so bad,” Morgan worried, walking away. She was right. Nicholas would never go to bed without that blanket.

Nicholas sat on my lap and stared quietly out the window until we started descending. Morgan held a sleeping Tadpole and stared out the window on the other side of the plane. What was she thinking about? Was she going to hate it here, or do what I prayed and love it?

“Snow!” Nicky exclaimed, sitting up. I watched Morgan stretch her neck a little and look, too. The distasteful expression on her face assured me she wasn’t impressed. The glance and eye roll solidified it. She already hated it.

I rushed my family to our parked car, wanting to get to the house before any more snow fell. “You already got our cars here?” she asked, seeing the lights on my SUV blink and beep.

“Yes, everything’s here,” I said, lifting Tadpole to his car seat. Morgan helped Nicholas, trying to settle him down.

“But we’re not going to stay here at night time, right Mom?” he asked.

“Yes, baby. We’re going to stay the night,” she explained, getting in the passenger side. I tossed our bags to the back and set out on an hour drive in the falling snow.

“Drew, I don’t like this. You don’t know how to drive in this weather.”

“Do you? You want to drive?” I teased, feeling the same apprehension. This wasn’t just me this time. At least I didn’t have to worry about it getting dark this time.

“I can’t believe you’re making us do this. Have I ever told you how much I hated winter in the mountains?”

“Yes, you have.”

“Dad, I don’t want to stay here at nighttime, okay?” Nicholas pleaded with me from the back.

“Me do, I can build a noman,” Tadpole excitedly explained. At least they didn’t all hate me.

“We’re going to stay here for a long time, Nicky. A lot of nights. Wait until you see your new room. You’re going to love it,” I said, trying to revert a meltdown.

“I get a new room, too?” Tad asked.

“Yup, you’re going to love yours, too, and tomorrow starts a whole month of Christmas activities.”

“Oh god,” Morgan mumbled, turning her attention out the window. I didn’t reply. I continued to talk to the boys, easing their little minds from change as much as I could.

“Where are you going?” Morgan asked once we were out of the city.

“Home.” I smiled.

“This is not my home,” she assured me mater-of-factly. “Should we be getting this far off the highway? I feel like you’re taking me back to my roots.”

“It’s not quite that bad.”

Morgan was worse than the boys. The snow extended our hour trip by another forty minutes. She asked if we were almost there ten times before we finally pulled down the long lane.

Solomon and his oldest son, Adam, met us in the graveled driveway. I got out and shook both their hands while taking Tadpole from the back. Morgan sat there until I told her to get out. I could tell she thought we were at his house and not ours. She helped Nicholas, and Sole shook her hand.

“Hello, I’ve heard a lot about you. It’s finally nice to meet you. This is my son, Adam. Adam and I came over to light the fireplaces for you. House is nice and toasty,” Sole warmly spoke. Adam shook her hand next while Sole shook Nicholas’s hand.

“I’ve heard a lot about you, too, young man. I hear you’re the guy to talk to about building a bridge.”

“Uh-huh, I can tell you if you want,” Nicholas assured him.

“You bet. I’ll see you tomorrow at the barn.”

I watched Morgan’s bewildered expressions, wondering what the hell was going on. Sole and Adam took off on a quad and I walked my family up the massive porch, wrapping around the entire house.

“Hey, this a mote,” Tadpole said, running around the complete rectangle of the house. I laughed at his imagination and unlocked the door.

“What is this place, Drew?” Morgan asked, looking around the country property, now covered in about five inches of snow. I pushed the door and stepped aside for her. Her eyes grew larger when she saw all of our belongings. I knew this part was probably going to piss her off, but I also knew it was the only way. I had guys working all week on getting our things here and put away before I brought them.

“Is anything back at the house?”

“No, well, there’s a bunch of boxes out in the garage. Things that I wasn’t sure what you wanted me to do with. Like the boys’ comforters and things like that.”

“I just bought those,” she said, looking around the house. “I don’t understand this, Drew. What are we doing here?”

“You can still use their things, love. Hey, get in here before you freeze your peckers off,” I urged, grabbing both boys with the second lap around the house.

“Drew!” Morgan scolded.

I laughed and wrapped my arms around her from behind. I couldn’t help it. I was happy and I wanted her to be happy. “I fell in love with this place as soon as Solomon showed it to me. A rich banker bought it a year ago and remodeled the entire house. He wanted a quiet place to bring his family to get away from all the rat race of the city,” I explained the story as it was told to me.

“What happened?” she questioned, leaning into me. I closed my eyes, taking in her scent and the feel of her body.

“They got a divorce and he just so happened to list it a couple days before I got stranded here.”

“Oh, that’s encouraging,” she barked, pulling away. “Oh my god, Drew. Look at this kitchen,” Morgan exclaimed. I knew she would love that part. The kitchen was totally remodeled into the perfect modern day dream.

“Remember when you hated the idea of black cabinets?” I asked, reminiscing about remodeling the kitchen at the beach house.

“I don’t hate this. I love it,” she said, opening one of the doors to a walk-in pantry. “I’m trying really hard to understand what the hell is going on here. You bought this for a vacation home? Were you planning on us living at the beach house? That’s what drives me crazy, Drew. I merely mentioned the thought of moving and you go buy a house in Little House on The Prairie where it snows of all things.”

“Look at this, love,” I said, taking her hand. I saw the light in her eyes when we walked down the one step. The sun room was beautiful and she couldn’t hide her approval. The guy obviously had kids. A stone fireplace burned at the end of the room with four beanbag chairs. I could not wait to sit there and drink hot chocolate with my family, listening to five and three-year-old chatter.

Morgan looked back at the kitchen and I knew she was picturing our boys, playing here while she prepared our meals. The furniture was a puffy sectional placed in the center of the flat screen hanging from the wall.

“This is my seat,” Tadpole and Nicholas called, jumping to the two beanbags on the ends. I was fine with that. It put me closer to Morgan.

“This is like a plantation,” Morgan alleged, walking to the glass wall. The backyard was beautiful with blue lights pointing straight up at aged oak trees. A bluish tint spread across the fresh white snow, illuminating a postcard view.

“Shhh,” I warned with my finger before Morgan could blurt the clubhouse out in the back yard. “Adam’s shop class built it for me as a class project. Wait until you see the inside, Sole’s wife is an amazing decorator. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”

I walked around the house with my family, proudly showing them every room. Nicholas and Tadpole ran just ahead of us, feeling out their new surroundings.

“You don’t plan on us leaving here, do you, Drew?” Morgan asked, turning to me when the boys ran into a room I would have made into my office before a family. Not now. Now it was a room full of old library books. Books I’d bought from a closing library back in LA. I did it on a whim, knowing someday I would have a reason to use them. Morgan loved the library, always did. This was for her. This was her room.

The white trimmed glass looked over the same backyard, leading to the deck where Nicholas and Tadpole would play. Morgan turned to me, trying her best not to crack. She loved it. I could tell she loved it. What reader wouldn’t love this room? The walls were covered in an elegant historic wallpaper with a silver swirl design. I wasn’t even a reader and I could feel the homey atmosphere.

I could see lots of books being read in this room. Nicky and Tad were still little guys, but they loved to read. If Morgan had anything to do with it, they always would. Not a day went by that she didn’t read to those boys.

“You want to see where the magic happens?” I smirked.

Morgan tried like hell to fight the curl in her lip. “Shut-up,” she said, backhanding me in the chest.

“I do want to see the magic room,” Tadpole exclaimed. Both boys ran ahead of us on the beautiful restored stairway. Nicky and Tad sat on a bench against the wall. The landing broke the vertical steps into a curve. My fingers touched Morgan’s while we seriously had to stand and wait for the boys to rest. She didn’t take my hand, but at least she didn’t pull away.

“Okay, come on you little pussies,” I barked orders. “I mean pansies, not that other word,” I encouraged, seeing the death glare from my wife.

“Pussies.” Tadpole had to go and sell me out. Traitor. I got the look again and we did what we always did when that happened. We ignored it and made them think about something else.

“Which room do you think is yours, Nicky?”

“Um, I don’t need a room at this house. I’m not sleeping here. We better go to our other house,” he informed me.

“We will after Christmas. Look,” I said, opening his door first. I needed to keep him from a breakdown. Thank god his eyes lit up. Solomon helped with this, too. The train track went the whole length of the wall, up and around the door in a complete circle.

“Well it’s not done,” Nicholas informed me. I smiled, knowing exactly what he was thinking. “No, don’t touch it Tadpole, this is my room,” Nicky ordered, shoving his little brother in the chest for brushing his fingers across the shiny train. I reached over and switched off the moving train.

“Hey, you don’t have to push him. You have to tell him with words,” Morgan stepped in, kneeling to his level.

“Well, Dad said this is my room. I don’t want him to touch it,” Nicholas explained very concerned-like.

“Okay, but you can ask him not to touch it with you words, not your hands. Tell him you’re sorry and Daddy will turn it back on,” Morgan persuaded, rubbing his chest. This is why Morgan took care of the discipline. I have a hard time seeing things like she did. I would have probably shoved him, too.

“Sorry, Tad,” Nicholas pouted. I flipped the switch and explained why it wasn’t done.

“I thought since Christmas is coming up, we could finish it together.”

“With buildings, and houses, and bridges?” Nicholas wondered.

“Yup, wait until you see John’s train set. You’re going to meet him tomorrow at the barn.”

Tadpole was jumping up and down, wanting to see his own room. Right across the hall was his own little setup. His track went along the same wall as Nicky’s, but his was a bat mobile instead of a train. Both rooms were still pretty bare, but once we got their curtains and bedding out, it would be just like home.

Morgan sucked her bottom lip between her teeth when I opened the double doors, leading to our bedroom.

“Oh my god, Drew. This is amazing.”

“You love it?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

Morgan walked around the historic bedroom, taking in every single inch. She loved it. I could tell she did. Her eyes sparkled when she opened the French doors to our private terrace. As soon as the ice-cold air blew her hair, she closed them with a shiver. The bathroom got the same reaction. The claw foot tub may not fit both of us, but one could be very comfortable. The vision of her covered in girly bubbles reclined in the tub crossed my mind.

Morgan never did admit how much she loved the plantation, but she didn’t have to. I could tell by the expressions written all over her face. I could tell she loved the custom kitchen. Morgan mixed a casserole while Nicholas, Tad, and I sat on the beanbag chairs and watched the crackling fire. That’s when the fun began.

“Where’s my blanket, Mom…”

I have to admit, the house was gorgeous. And although darkness fell around the property, I knew the land was just as breathtaking. That wasn’t my problem. Of course, we had to deal with a major meltdown before Nicholas was going to sleep. He wanted his blanket and I couldn’t believe we were making him stay in this strange house without the security of his blanky. It was just as much my fault as it was Drew’s, but I was mad at him for it. He was the one forcing us to come here, not me.

I worked around the house, unpacking the boys’ things while Drew and the boys explored their new surroundings. It was nearly eight before the boys were bathed and in pajama’s. Tadpole was excited to sleep in his new room, but Nicholas wasn’t having it. Needless to say, three stories later, he was still wide awake.

Drew took over so I could enjoy the new tub calling my name around ten. That tub was made for me. It was heaven in a tub. The white snow coming down outside the window while I felt the wave of relief was no doubt pretty. Nonetheless, lying in that magnificent tub, watching the big fluffy drops floating to the ground did bring back a hint of nostalgia. It was quickly gone when my mind drifted to that place and time.

I might have been four or five. It was before Justin, so I know I wasn’t too old. It was Christmas night and the whole town was eerily quiet. I remember being in the backseat of a bigger car with my mother. It was late and the lights in the truck stop were off when we pulled beside the semi-truck in the parking lot.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back,” my mother said, leaving me alone in the back seat of the car. I watched the man take my mom in his arms right before she pulled him around the truck to keep me from seeing. I sat there in the car with my fingers locked between the door panel and the window, until I got in a little bit of a jam. I pushed my little index finger through the crack between the two and got it stuck. Every time I tried to pull it out, it got stuck on something really sharp. I cried for my mom while I watched her climb into the truck. She never heard me. I cried for what seemed like forever for a little kid with their finger stuck. The guy closed the curtain when the two of them climbed in the back.

I cried in the big old car all alone while my mother got it on with some trucker. By the time she climbed out there was an inch of snow on the ground and my finger felt like it was going to fall off. When my mother of the year, mother finally figured out what was going on, she had to yell for her trucker buddy to help.

“You’re okay, sweetie. Hang on one second,” the nice man soothed, stroking my hair. I liked that man. He was very nice to me. He talked to me like a real daddy did and he made me feel safe. “What did Santa bring you this morning?” he asked, trying to bend metal away from my finger with the flat head screwdriver.

“We didn’t get there in time,” I said.

“You didn’t get where sweetie?”

“To the Christmas line. Santa took my presents there because of the snow yesterday, and my mom couldn’t get there in time,” I explained. I got a Dollar General plastic doll and a yo-yo that year. Hmmm. I wonder if that’s why I hate snow and Christmas so much. I now know that line wasn’t because Santa couldn’t get to my house. That line was the welfare line where poor people got Christmas presents for their kids. My mother couldn’t even get there to get mine. My guess is she was too busy with her trucker friend to worry about her daughter waking with no presents.

Maybe that’s why I hated Christmas so much too. It was nothing more than an act, a time of year people pretended to be happy, a day to fake it. Who wants to put a stupid tree in the house anyway? My dad would never let us have a tree in the trailer I grew up in. He said it would dry out and catch the house on fire with the wood burner. I made my own trees out of a branch and junk around the house. Maybe that’s why I always chose the artificial ones.

“He’s finally out,” Drew announced with relief. “I can’t believe we went off and left his blanket in the dryer. How’s the tub?”

I wanted to slide forward and tell him to get in. My pride wouldn’t let me. “It’s amazing. My grandma had a tub like this, but not near as luxurious.” And there was the awkward silence where neither of us knew what to say.

“Okay, well, I’m going to go make sure everything’s locked up and check on the boys one more time.”

“Okay,” I responded with the only thing I knew to respond with. I ignored the little tube of lipstick where I knew I had twenty six, tiny pills to keep me happy for the next month of whatever this was Drew was up to. I retrieved my phone instead, putting it out of my mind. I’d already used one and a half and I had no idea how I was going to get more, not until we got out of the Gun Smoke town anyway.

I dressed in warm sweat pants and a hoodie. The house may have been beautifully remodeled, but it still had that old cold feel to it. I dialed Alicia and sprinted to get under the warm covers.

“Are you cold?” Drew asked, turning the gas logs on in the fireplace in the corner. Aahh, I felt warmer already.

“Drew? Please tell me there’s cellphone service here,” I begged not seeing one bar.

“Nope, but the landline will be installed tomorrow. This snow is done. Solomon said it would be melted off the roads by the afternoon tomorrow.”

“What if something happens? What if we need to call a squad or something?”

“We won’t. Everyone is fine, and you can talk to Alicia tomorrow. I’m going to grab a shower.”

“You should try out that tub. It’s incredible.”

“I will later. I just want to jump in and jump out. It should warm up in here pretty quick.” Drew smiled a warm smile, trying to be loving. It wasn’t that I wanted to hurt him, or argue with him. I did want to be happy with him. I just couldn’t do it with the way he went about things. I was standing in a house that my husband bought without so much as one word. Sarcastically in his defense, he was going to tell me, but he didn’t have time. It just happened. Whatever.

After digging through a box marked blankets in the beautiful but messy closet, I sat in front of the flickering fire. The loveseat was from our house in California, but I didn’t remember it being this comfortable. We never really used it there, but I could see us sitting in front of this cozy fire every cold night.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Drew asked, sitting next to me.

“It would be nicer if it was real wood,” I complained, lifting the blanket for him. Hmm, he smelled amazing.

“Come here, you’re not allowed to complain for the next thirty days either,” Drew decided, raising his arm for me to snuggle close to him. His arms felt too welcoming and familiar. I missed Drew’s arms.

“So I can’t complain about a house that you bought in the middle of the sticks, where it’s cold and snowy? I can’t complain about you taking it upon yourself to move us out of our home in two point seven seconds? I can’t complain about how the movers you hired packed the bathroom stuff in the same box with my dishes? I can’t complain about—.”

“Okay, okay. I get it. You have to give me this month. Thirty days. That’s all I’m asking. Trust me for the next thirty days.”

His trust me comment caused me to instantly retreat and feel the distance between us.

“What? Morgan. Talk to me. Stop pulling away from me,” Drew plead, trying to keep me in his arms.

“You can’t force trust, Drew. And so far you’ve given me nothing to trust you with.”

“And you have?” he asked, taking my fingers. I pulled away. I wasn’t doing this. I was tired from traveling with the boys, emotionally drained about a move I didn’t want, and my head was starting to ache just above my temples.

I pulled away. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

I heard the sigh from Drew when I walked away. “We have to be at the barn by eleven tomorrow,” he just so happen to remember at eleven thirty at night.

“The barn?” I questioned with a knowing look.

“You’ll see tomorrow. You’re going to love it.”

“Yeah. I know. Trust me. Night, Drew,” I said, sliding beneath the covers in my full armored sweat suit body.

I watched the cozy fire, and Drew. He propped his feet to the ottoman and crossed his arms. Contemplating the purpose of all of this, my eyes blinked with the flickering fire. I always knew Drew was crazy, but selling the store for this made no sense to me. Drew was far from the outdoors type. Why this place was beyond me. He didn’t even mow his own lawn.

I woke a couple hours later to a little foot in my left kidney and Nicholas whispering to his dad asleep on the loveseat in front of the fire.

“Come here, buddy,” I whispered. My heart hurt for my little guy when he walked to me crying. “I’m sorry, Nicky. Grandma’s going to send your blanket first thing in the morning.”

“I’m not a baby,” he assured me, crawling to the security of my arms. I loved it when he was cuddly with me and I hated that he was this upset because Drew and I dropped the ball. Poor kid.

“I know you’re not, but maybe you can start out slow, maybe leave blanket on the chair for a few nights, and then maybe the living room.”

“That’s a good idea. I will do it, but not the first time,” Nicholas said. I smiled, knowing that blanket wouldn’t leave his arms for a very long time.

“Good, what do you think of this place? Do you like it?” I asked, ruffling his hair.

“I’m going to build a snowman.”

“Do you like your room?”

“Yeah, I like it. Am I going to live there?”

“I think so.”

“Okay,” Nicholas agreed, curling into a little ball. That was the last thing he said, before his breathing slowed to a deep sleep. He was supposed to be getting the help he needed not being dragged all over the world while his dad lived in denial. And I was supposed to trust him. Yeah. Okay.

The next time I woke before day light, was because it was a million degrees and I was suffocating. Between the warm blooded boys in my bed and the winter attire I chose for bed, I was roasting from the inside out.

Drew was still sleeping on the little sofa. I started to wake him and tell him to get in bed, but covered him instead. He was probably going to get more sleep there anyway. I walked around the house, taking in all the detail. I would have never chose to put wallpaper in a house. I loved the vintage look and the dark mahogany separating it gave it a rich elegant kind of feeling. I would have never guessed that either. The old world charm of the house was, inviting, homey, and I was glad I didn’t have a say in any of the remodeling. None of it would have been savored. I would have modernized the entire house. None of this would have been preserved.

The house had a history, a charm I could have gotten used to had it not been in the wrong part of the continent. I hated cold with a passion. Sometimes I thought Drew was just out to get me. The only thing in the refrigerator to drink was a juice box. I punched the tin with the straw and looked out to the country porch. The moat. I smiled at Tadpole’s description of the wrap around porch, only Tadpole.

“What are you doing, love?” Drew asked, wrapping his arms around me from behind. I let him, trying to let it all be okay.

“Drinking Rocket Raspberry and thinking about the moat,” I said, holding the straw to his lips from behind.

Drew sucked the berry drink through the tiny straw. “We’ll go to the grocery store tomorrow. Moat?” he questioned.

“Yeah, I was just wishing it really was a moat and we could stay locked away from everything and everyone.”

“I’ve often thought about that too, but we can’t. We have to learn how to deal with everything we’re going through right now.”

Silence was best. It was paramount that leaving out what I wanted to say was best. “I’m not even going to say a word.”

“I know I’m to blame for a lot of things, Morgan. I know that. I know I don’t handle things the way most men do. I can’t help that. I’m trying my best to be who you want me to be. I fuck up. I fuck up a lot, but I’m going to get it right. I know you don’t want to hear trust me, but I need you to so much right now, love. This is going to be good for us. I promise.”

“Drew we have to take care of our son. No more avoiding it. I’m not going to let you.”

“I know. I know, Morgan. Trust me.”

I groaned and plopped my head back to his chest. If I heard that one more time. “It is very pretty,” I admitted looking at the snow illuminated with a mixture from blue lights and a very bright moon. “I don’t get it, Drew. How did you even find this place?”

My breath caught in my lungs when I felt Drew’s warm hands slide up my shirt and to my stomach. I hated not having sex. Why the hell was I using that as a weapon? I wasn’t sure who that was really hurting.

“Well, I think it was fate,” Drew admitted, moving his thumb over my skin with his burning hand.

“You don’t believe in fate,” I reminded him. Drew was a business man. He didn’t get caught up in philosophy. Ever. Everything had to scientifically make sense to Drew. Cause and effect. There was no such thing as magic and my husband of all people surely didn’t believe in fate.

“I can’t explain it away,” Drew said, pulling away from me. Shit. I didn’t want him to do that. Not yet.

“What do you mean?” I asked, disposing of the drink box. I followed Drew to the kitchen and down the one step to the sunken family room. One of my favorite rooms.

“I don’t know. Even Solomon told me they never got that much snow that early in November. I think I ended up here for a reason and I’m glad I did. Had we not had to land here, I would have been moving you to New York City.”

“I wouldn’t have gone.”

“Yes you would have. I feel like we belong here, Morgan.”

I shook my head not understanding. “Belong where? I don’t understand you. You’re like best friends with this Solomon guy and you’re overzealous about some town with a bunch of country folk. I don’t get it.”

“I don’t either, love, but its right. I feel it. Please trust me. One more time.”

“Yeah, thirty days right?” I sarcastically replied, plopping to a beanbag chair in front of the fire.

“How about we just stop talking. All we do is end up fighting. Let’s go to bed.”

“I have a better idea,” Drew opposed, standing with me.

His lips softly met mine with one smooth, sweet kiss. The instant wetness between my legs was noticed at precisely the same moment I perceived the throbbing. I played with the string on my sweats in a taunting manner, twisting the string around and around my finger. I was liking his idea better.

Drew kissed me again while his fingers locked in the band of my pants. Drew didn’t normally work this fast, but I would take it. I found myself sitting in front of the fire, legs spread while Drew released himself from his own sweats. My head dropped over the chair when he slid slowly inside of me with a hiss. Holy Saint Mary! How long had it been since we did this, again? And why weren’t we doing this?

Drew’s lips met mine when I raised up. Our tongues danced while we reunited, becoming one. Our moans matched and the thrusts of our hips stayed in sync. I swear it was less than five minutes. I was right there, so close.

“Morgan, aahh,” Drew warned a second too late. He plunged one last time, holding my hips toward his and released. Great… “I’m sorry,” he instantly apologized.

“It’s fine. Let’s go to bed,” I offered, kissing his lips. I was trying my best not to show my disappointment in him again, but it was apparent. Whatever, it’s wasn’t about me anyway, it was about Drew. It was always about Drew.

“No, I’ll take care of you,” he presented, moving his thumb in a circular motion while I felt his hardness decreasing inside me. It was gone and although I knew Drew didn’t purposely come before me, I still felt the rejection.

“No, it’s okay. Let’s go to bed. The boys will be up before we know it. I elect you to get up with them,” I teased, trying to keep the already heavy mood light.

“Someone is coming here at eight in the morning. You have to be up for her.”

“Who is it?”

“Someone I want you to meet.”

“And this person won’t be at this barn party or whatever it is you’re dragging us to? I don’t want to meet someone at eight in the morning. I don’t plan on being awake at that time.” I knew I would never sleep past eight, but I didn’t expect company at that time either.

“It’s not a barn party. It’s a—.”

“Yeah, I don’t care, Drew. I’m going to bed.”

This time was best I didn’t tell her. I knew what it was going to be as soon as soon as I heard the doorbell. I should have told Nicole to come after ten, but with the festivities starting today, it needed to be early. Both boys were being difficult, Nicholas wanted oatmeal we didn’t have yet, and Tadpole wanted Fruit Loops we didn’t have yet either.

“Come in,” I offered with a wave of my hand. “We’re having a little hiccup this morning,” I explained, hugging Nicole. She handed me the pastry box and I passed it to my rude wife.

“Doughnuts, awesome,” she exclaimed, impolitely.

“I’m Nicole. You must be Morgan. I’ve heard a lot about you and your boys. They’re cranberry muffins,” Nicole informed Morgan with a wink. I took her scarf and coat while Morgan looked at me, wondering what the hell was going on. I wasn’t telling her. That’s why Nicole was here. She could do it.

As soon as Morgan had the boys settled, eating fresh muffins and watching cartoons, I led Morgan down the one step to talk to Nicole.

“Can I get you coffee or something?” Morgan asked. Nicole said yes and settled in on the sofa. I took a deep breath, hoping this went as planned. It could go either way and I hoped the vision of Morgan going off on our guest wasn’t the alternative.

After one more breath, I looked to Nicole to start, get it out there, get it over with and be get the ball rolling. I hated procrastinating.

“I’m not sure what Drew has told you about me,” Nicole said to Morgan after thanking her for the coffee.

“Ha, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Drew has a tendency to do that from time to time or minute to minute, depends on how you look at it,” Morgan explained with a sharp knife from her eyes to my forehead. Oh boy. She was pissed and she didn’t even know why Nicole was there yet.

“When was the last time you used, Morgan?” Nicole asked, getting right to the point. I watched Morgan’s expressions closely. Her face went from tight and angry to white and shocked.

“Used?” she questioned, looking up to Tadpole jumping down the one step and back. He wasn’t hurting anything, but Morgan used the distraction to walk away.

“Go eat your muffin,” I coaxed Tadpole with a tap to his butt. “Morgan sit down,” I said with a stern, I’m dead serious tone.

“Drew, what the fuck are you doing?” she whispered. I ignored and puller her hand back to Nicole, waiting on the sofa.

“Morgan, I know what you’re going through. I know how hard this is for you to admit.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Morgan assured her.

“The last time I used was December 24th, 2001. I hated coming back here for the holidays,” Nicole explained, ignoring Morgan’s attempt to shut her out. “I was a successful city doctor living the highlife. My mother begged me to come home for Christmas. I couldn’t, I was too busy with my other friends, my New York friends. We had parties planned. I overdosed on Oxycodone that night, lost my license to practice in New York, and I never saw my mother again. She died December 28th, the day I was released from the hospital. When was the last time you used, Morgan?”

“I’m not like that. I don’t go to parties and overdose on drugs,” Morgan assured her. I pointed to Nicholas to get back to the table with his muffin. Maybe we should have done this at nap time.

“No, I’m sure you don’t. I never started that way either. It started from a measly little knee injury. Before I knew it, a year had gone by. I was still avoiding the needed surgery because I couldn’t take the time off work. Next thing I knew I was snorting eight to ten pills a day just to keep going. I didn’t have a problem either. I was just in pain. Even after the surgery,” Nicole explained. “When that wasn’t enough, I started writing my own prescriptions.”

“What do you want?” Morgan asked, cutting to the chase.

“I want to help you, before you kill yourself. Seems to me you have a house full of men who would miss you.”

“I’m not going to die.”

“How many pills are you up to a day?”

“Four, maybe five.”

“Is that snorting or eating?”

The look Morgan gave me told me she didn’t want to say anything in front of me. “Tell her, love,” I coaxed, needing her to know I wasn’t going to be mad at her.

“Snorting.”

“Do you want to stop?”

My breathing stopped while I prayed for the answer.

“Yes,” she shamelessly admitted, dropping her head. I moved to her side and took her hand in mine. She moved it, trading it for a dirty look. Shit. I didn’t want her to be mad at me for wanting to help her, to help our family.

“Drew can you leave us?” Nicole asked. I looked up just in time to hear the chair topple over from the kitchen. Morgan never glanced at me, not once. I took that as she didn’t need me there and went to dress the boys.

“Come on guys,” I said, taking my little guys upstairs to find clothes. That didn’t go over so well. I couldn’t find anything warm for them to wear. Everything I had sent here from California was summer and I had no idea where the things were Morgan brought. Boxes were still all over the place.

We hung out in our room in cartoon undies instead. The fire kept the room nice and toasty and was the perfect atmosphere for a quiet story.

“Okay, jump on the loveseat. I’ll find us a story on Mommy’s tablet,” I coaxed. They were still in awe of the new house, checking everything out. I let them wander, checking out the bathroom and closest while I went to Morgan’s reading app. The page opened to Sam having a meal on an island in the center of the kitchen. His meal was Kendra. Jesus. I looked up to check on the boys, sliding across the hardwood in socks and undies. Too damn cute.

After reading a few more paragraphs, I got the hell out of it and searched for a kid book. My cock had to be situated twice thinking about, Morgan. It wasn’t Kendra and Sam in Domesticated that shot sensations to my dick, it was Morgan. The thought of her reading smut excited the hell out of me. It reminded me of how I used to make her read it in our pre-accident marriage. Fuck. I wanted to fuck her like that. If ever she needed to be taught a lesson it was now.

Things settled down with book about a lost bear, but I was beginning to worry. An hour had gone by since I left Morgan downstairs with Nicole.

“Where’s your clothes?” she asked the boys. She didn’t sound mad. She sounded fine. Was this a good thing? Was it really going to be this easy?

“Did my blanket come here now?” Nicky asked, sliding off the chair.

“Not yet, come on let’s go find some clothes,” Morgan repeated.

Tadpole slid around Nicholas in his socks and laughed when he wiped out. He hurried to his feet and jumped in front again.

“Hey,” I quietly questioned, wanting something from Morgan. She jerked away and the loving mommy expression was replaced. It now said, I hate your fucking daddy.

“Go to hell, Drew. What next? Tell me what the fuck happens after thirty days. We need to live in the same town. I’ll get the help I need. I’ll be just fine, but it will be a cold day in hell before you keep me from these boys. You got that, Drew?” Morgan spoke in a low tone through gritted teeth. Fuck.

“What do you mean?”

“You said thirty days. The way I see it, I only have to live in this space with you until January 1st. Perfect time for a new start,” she assured me, spinning and walking out. Nice. Great. Now what?

Morgan didn’t respond to anything I said. Not to her and not to the boys. I may as well have been a board on the floor.

“I’m going to go start the car,” I announced at eleven thirty. Still nothing. She didn’t even acknowledge that I spoke. “You can get their coats on them.”

“You mean the thin little jackets from our warmer climate home?” Morgan finally spoke.

“We have internet. We’ll get online and order them some winter clothes when we get back. The car’s heated, the barns heated, and it’s not a big deal. Can we just go have a good day?”

“You go, I’ll stay here and put away some of the boxes.”

“Get ready, Morgan. You’re going.”

“Sure, Drew. Let’s go have a great day. Whatever you say. You’re the boss.”

“Morgan, stop.”

“Do you even know what size either of them wear? I bet you have no idea what size shoes Nicholas wears. What size pants does Tadpole wear? Do you know?”

The fact that she was right was beside the point. She was being a bitch. Did she have a right to be a bitch? I’m the one trying to fix us unlike her. I wasn’t the one snorting pain pills up my nose. “Get ready.” That’s the only thing I could think of to say. The old Drew wanted to punish her, show her who wore the pants in this family. But…The Drew that loved her more than anything on earth wanted to make it right.

“He wears a four in shorts and a five in pants. Fours are too short for him, but he needs a belt,” Morgan informed me of the fact I hope to never know. She took care of all of that. I bought the fun stuff.

I answered the house phone instead. “Hello.”

“Hey, can you talk?” Nicole asked.

“Yeah, go ahead,” I said, walking away. I slid the pocket door closed after entering the library. I really did love this room.

“She’s not going to agree to being admitted for a couple weeks.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured that. So now what?”

“She’s agreed to give up control of what she has, and follow a strict detox program,” Nicole explained.

“Okay, just tell me when to give them to her,” I replied. I’d do anything in the world to get past this.

“I think this is deeper than what you think. Do you know what we were talking about all that time? It wasn’t about her addiction, not to pills anyway.”

“What do you mean? Please don’t tell me she has another addiction.”

“She does, you. I can’t say that I would be here if I were in her shoes.”

“What did she tell you?” I asked, hoping it was only new stuff. I hated when she mentioned how I was when I married her. It was irrelevant to where we were now.

“Did you force her to come here? Did you really buy the Trenton farm without telling her? Does she know about the barn?” Nicole asked, firing questions that sounded way worse than they were. She was making it sound like a big deal and it wasn’t. Morgan knew how I was. I didn’t do things on a whim unless I had reason to do so. I knew a good deal when I saw one and this farm was a good deal.

“I asked her for thirty days.”

“You asked her, or you threatened her with her kids?”

“But Solomon said…”

“Solomon’s situation was different than yours. And if he told you to use her kids against her, he’s crazy too. You’re adding more bricks to the wall between you.”

“I guess I never thought about it like that.”

“Look, I know you and John are business partners right now, and I hope Morgan and I will become friends, but if you want to set up some marriage sessions, I would be happy to help.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” I said, tapping on the glass when I saw Nicholas and Tad running around the moat. I had supper at her table, I played with her twin boys and had a couple beers with her husband. I wasn’t sure I wanted to put my problems with Morgan out there for her to see.

“Suit yourself, but I also offered the same to Morgan. If it’s dirty laundry you’re worried about, don’t. You wouldn’t believe half the shit I did before coming home.”

“Why’d you stay?”

“I met a man, trying to make the correct change without using a dime. He was holding up the line over at Macy’s Bakery. I wanted coffee.”

“John?” I questioned.

“Yup. That and I was addicted to pain killers. John helped me more than I ever helped him.”

“I’ll think about it. Are you going to be at the barn?”

“Of course. We’re going to tag our trees for next weekend. You should tell Morgan. No more surprises. Okay? Tell her. Talk to her.”

“She won’t talk to me.”

“Do you blame her? I’ll see you at the barn.”

The back roads were still pretty covered, but the wide open country space covered in snow was oil painting worthy. The boys were so excited, seeing the snow and I wished Morgan would have shared in that excitement. She didn’t. She stared out the window blankly. Or was she just that stoned?

Morgan lifted Tadpole out of the car ten minutes later. I could see the question in her eyes when she saw the ten or so other vehicles. Maybe this was too much too soon.

“Hi, I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Morgan said just inside the door. Nicole gave me a dirty look and I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t have time.

“This is my husband John. He runs this place,” Nicole explained the other thing I was planning on telling Morgan.

“And what is this place?” Morgan questioned, looking around. Neither of us got the chance to explain it before John was introducing her to other couples from around the small town. Stacy and Morgan seemed to hit it off. Stacy wanted her boots. Women…

Nicholas stayed tucked behind my leg staring at the yippy little dog tied in a corner and Tadpole took off. The rock climbing wall looked too tempting to be shy. He was off without one introduction. There ended up being seven women there plus the two that stuck to themselves over with the kids. That was a lot of women. John and I were the only two guys. Paul was at home with a cold, and Solomon was at his day job.

“Okay, gather around,” Nicole called to the group of women and kids. Nicholas still wasn’t having any part of this. He wasn’t comfortable around the crowed. He jumped a little when John stomped his foot at the yappy little dog. Who the hell brought their dog? Morgan glanced at me puzzled while we listened to the instructions.

“We’re going to the old elementary park right though the patch of woods out here. We have eight families participating this year. That’s awesome. I can’t wait to see what you guys come up with. Someone from Center Station Baptist Church won last year. Someone from Center Station Barn is going to take it this year. The theme is anything Christmas, here’s what’s not allowed to be on your tree,” she explained, passing out papers with decorating rules.

Morgan shot me a dirty look when I smiled at her. I thought for sure she would love doing this as a family. I couldn’t win.

“We’re not going to pick out a tree,” Morgan said under her breath while the crowd excitedly broke up.

“Yes we are,” I demanded.

“Thanks for thinking of us, but we’re going to sit this one out,” Morgan overruled and explained to Nicole that we wouldn’t be participating.

“Oh come on, it’s a lot of fun,” Nicole begged.

“Oh it sounds like a lot of fun. That’s not the problem. The problem is my husband here has no idea how to take care of our kids. The boys are wearing sneakers, and this is the only jackets they have until I get them some winter clothes. I didn’t really get the chance to be prepared for this,” Morgan explained.

Fuck…

Unbelievable. Not only did my husband tell some total stranger about my problem, he expected our boys to go tromping through the woods in sneakers and windbreakers. Idiot.

“Nonsense, come on. We’ll walk up to the house and find them some things. I have twin five year olds. I’m sure we have something they can borrow until you get them prepared for Center Station weather.

“Drew, look!” Nicole’s husband John exclaimed. There was something up with this guy. I wasn’t sure what, but I was surprised that Drew had taken up with him. He seemed slow but smart, if that makes sense. Maybe not slow, just non-expressional. I looked to see the snippy little dog, finally shutting up. Why would someone bring a dog to a community event?

“What?” Drew asked.

“That dog hasn’t shut up in three days. We had to bring him out here to get away from it.”

“Whose dog is it?” Drew asked, seeing the tiny little dog curled in ball on Nicholas’s lap.

“Drew get him. He’s never been around dogs,” I ordered.

“He belonged to Moses Brewer. His kids had to put him in a nursing home a couple days ago and I promised to find him a good home, only this is the first time he’s shut up since he came. You have to take him,” John said with the same monotone expression. What the hell? Didn’t the guy have an emotion in his body?

“Oh no,” I spoke up. I wasn’t taking a dog. I had enough with two boys and Drew. I wasn’t taking care of a dog.

“Come on, let’s go find these boys some warm clothes,” Nicole happily said. I did like her and I liked Stacy too. I didn’t like Drew. Drew could go to hell.

Stacy walked with us up to Nicole’s home. I, of course, wasn’t in the mood for chatter. I was wearing boots, yeah, but these were LA boots, not six inches of snow boots. I was freezing my ass off and I wasn’t interested in decorating a tree in a park.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t going to be the one to rain on the parade. I took the offered warmer boots and coat from my new friend, and dressed my boys in clothes more suitable for the weather. I walked the path through the woods with Nicole and Stacy, chatting about kid things. Drew was right about their little girl. She was adorable, and she could so pass as ours. Tadpole was in heaven, kid heaven. Trevor and Trenton were Nicholas’s age, but Tad seemed to like them more. Nicholas was too busy with his new little friend.

From the way the day started, I was sure it was going to end in disaster. It really didn’t. The boys ran through the pines, picking the Kelley family tree. The tree that we had five days to decorate for some dumb contest. Like I had time to be doing that. I had a hundred boxes that needed to be emptied, or my kids were going to freeze to death, and I didn’t want to be around Drew. I’m happy to say we ended up having a great time. Even avoiding Drew, it was fun. The boys were so excited when the both agreed on a tree right up front. Great. Our tree was going to be the first one on display. I didn’t even decorate my own tree.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” Drew asked, pulling me to the side while the rest of the group ran around tying ribbons on their trees.

“What?” I asked, pulling my fingers away from his.

“It’s about Dasher.”

“Dasher?” I questioned. “Am I supposed to know what that means?”

“It’s the dog’s name

“No way. We’re not taking that dog home.”

“Can we try it for one night? Sole says he’ll take him back in the morning if you want. At least I’m asking you, that’s something, right?” Drew replied with a tilted head and a smile. I wasn’t smiling.

“No, Drew.”

Drew pulled my coat toward him and he whispered in my ear. “If you let Dasher spend the night with us I’ll give you so much attention later you’ll be screaming my name to the top of your lungs.” Damn, that was tempting. My mouth dried up and I was caught off guard briefly.

“Drew, you know I will be the one taking care of it. What is it anyway?” I asked, trying not to think about what Drew could do to me to make me scream out his name.

“It’s a toy poodle. He likes Nicky. Look at him, maybe it will help with blanky tonight. Please.”

“I’m not taking care of it and he better not go in the house. Get away from me, I’m pissed at you.”

“You should be, but I need you to forgive me so you can sit on my face and scream my name.”

“Drew, shut up,” I scolded, looking around. He laughed and walked to our tree. Our stupid tree that I wanted to be excited about. I knew it was going to turn into a competition between Drew and John and who knows who else.

I hid the smile with a frown and looked around the group of people. I wasn’t letting Drew off that easy. Had that been me telling some total stranger about our personal life, Drew would have killed me. Kids laughed and ran around the park, picking out trees to decorate, in what seemed to be a tradition around here. Nicky and Tadpole were happy, playing in their own little world. Nicky alone with his four legged friend and Tadpole running around with the twins like a mad man.

“Psst,” I heard from behind me. I walked over to Stacy and smiled when she started talking. I was going to like her. “You see that tramp there with the pink coat? That’s Macy Spirits. She’s the one you don’t want to leave you husband alone with. I’ll show you the other town whore when you get clean and can do girls night out with us,” she explained and my smile dissipated. I was going to kill my husband.

“Oh, so he blabbed his mouth to you too?” I asked boldly, staring a sharp sword through Drew’s back while he talked to John about how we had this contest in the bag.

“No, not really. Solomon told me.”

“Nice.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You’ve got this. I tried on my own for two years. Even with Solomon taking over the control of when I got a pill, I still couldn’t do it.”

“Wait. You were addicted to pain pills too? And so was Nicole?”

“Yup, Nicole saved my life. I mean hers was years ago, but I don’t know, Nicole is, she’s, I don’t know. She’s just Nicole, let her help you. You’re going to hate her, but I promise you’ll come out in the end in love with her.”

I studied, Nicole with her husband and twins, arguing with Drew about this contest. Oh brother… “Is there something wrong with John? I mean he seems—.”

“Creepy?” Stacy laughed. “John is the nicest man you’ll ever meet. He’s funny as hell too, you just never know if he’s joking her not. John has Asperger’s Syndrome.”

I thought I was going to swallow my tongue. “He does?!?”

“Yes, he was diagnosed as a teenager. That’s why it’s so important for him to get this barn up and running.

“Up and running?” I questioned.

“Hey, I wanted to tell her about that,” Drew accused with a smile.

“Seems to me you procrastinate on telling your wife a lot of things,” Nicole accused, joining us too while we all walked across the field back toward the old school, stopping to laugh at Nicky’s new friend. He ran right up to the Kelley Christmas tree and pissed on it, marking his territory.

“I’m not joking with you Mrs. Kelley. That dog hasn’t shut up since we brought him here. I think he knows,” John explained, entwining his fingers with Nicole. They were older, to have such young boys, maybe in their forties.

“Call me Morgan, please. What do you mean?” I asked, moving my fingers from Drew doing the same thing.

“Animals sense things. I think Dasher sensed Nicholas’s apprehension.”

“Tad, come back here. I want to show mommy something,” Drew called.

I looked at him with the same frown I’d disclosed several times since Drew had brought us there. Shielding my eyes from the bright sun, shining on the white snow, I turned to Nicole.

“Go ahead, we’re going to the barn for hot chocolate,” Stacy offered. Tadpole was in little boy heaven out here. I didn’t like it. We didn’t really let them out of our sight like that, especially Nicky. Tadpole would make friends with the devil, Nicolas not so much. He wouldn’t even stay with a sitter he didn’t know.

“Where are we going? Nicky, you want to come with mommy and daddy?” I asked, hoping he said yes.

“No, I want to go with John.”

“You do?” I asked shocked.

“He has train town. He’s going to show me his bridges. We’re going to make a bridge too, right dad?” he asked. Wow. Nicholas wanted to go with John.

Drew and I walked to the one level elementary school while the rest of the group headed back the way we came.

“What are we doing?” I questioned.

“I ended up here on accident. I was going to move you to the city. I was going to buy that store in New York City. The snow that got dumped on the entire state made me land here. Had I not gotten lost we would be moving to New York. I know I don’t always make the right decisions when it comes to our family, Morgan, but that’s all going to change. I never want to leave here. I love it and we’re going to do a lot of good here.”

“Did you know John had Asperger’s,” I asked. I’d get back to never leaving here in a second.

“Yes, and I also know that he converted that barn to help kids just like Nicky. He was running a program there for parents and kids. A two week workshop. The state shut him down because the barn is old, and needs a lot of money and time put into it.”

“It looks like there was a lot of money and time put into it,” I alleged. I’d never seen anything like it. It was perfect.

“There was, but they’re out of funds. Nicole doesn’t practice medicine anymore so her income has dropped significantly. She focuses more on AA meetings and helping John with the Barn.”

“Stop trying to hold my hand,” I said, pulling away again. “She told me all about that, but what does any of that have to do with us?”

“I think it has everything to do with us. We need him more than he needs us. You know he’s never taken one prescription pill for the way he is? You know, like that quack tried to give us for Nicky. He’s married with two little boys.”

“I know, that intrigues me very much.”

“It did me too,” Drew explained, unlocking a chain wrapped around the double doors of the school. “That was one of the things that worried me most. I worried about Tadpole having to be responsible for him when we’re dead and gone. I worried about Nicky never having his own place here on earth. It doesn’t have to be that way. We just have to learn with Nicky how to handle some of the things he’s going to be faced with.”

“Drew, what the hell are we doing here?” I asked, stepping inside the dark school.

“Well, after I started talking to John about what needed to be done at the barn I had a contractor come out and do an estimate on what the state says has to be done to the barn. It’s more than what I think we want to get into,” Drew explained.

“What are we doing here, Drew?” I asked again while he flipped on lights.

“This school was closed three years ago because there aren’t enough kids out here for the county to pay a staff. They bus them to another school about fifteen miles from here now.”

“And let me guess. You bought the school to mollify the state?” I sarcastically questioned.

“No, I want to buy the school to appease the state. This place is perfect. We can even set up a dorm to accommodate parents that need to come here from further away. I didn’t buy anything, because I’m trying this new thing out where I have to ask my wife permission first.”

“Drew, it’s not about asking me permission. I don’t want to give you permission to do anything. I’m not your mother, I’m your wife. I just want you to include me in these decisions.”

“Do you like it here, Morgan? I mean besides the cold and snow?”

“I don’t know. I love the house. I like Stacy and Nicole, but I haven’t really had time to think about it. You just dumped all this in my lap, and then you wonder why I need something to cope. You’ve ignored my pleas to get Nicky into a development program for weeks, and you do everything without me. I’m tired of you making all the decisions for us. They’re not always the best decisions, Drew.”

“I know, love. I get it. I do. California was a bad decision, but this isn’t. This is something bigger than me, something bigger than what I have ever tackled before, something for someone besides myself. I’m asking you to help me decide. Is this a good move for our family?”

“You already bought a house,” I pointed out. “What’s the point in asking now?”

“I don’t mean that. If you don’t like it here and you want to leave after the holidays than that’s fine by me.”

“Okay, then it only makes sense to not buy this school and wait until we’ve given it a try, right?”

I rolled my eyes and walked in front of Drew, glancing inside the empty rooms. He wasn’t going to wait. I could see it in his eyes. This was nothing more than a plot to get me on his side. He didn’t care what I thought.

“I still want to do it for John, even if we don’t stay here. He’s doing a lot of good for these kids, Morgan. This is more important to me than anything I’ve ever done before,” Drew explained. I got that, I did. I just felt like it was on a whim, and he wasn’t thinking it through. “I have thought about this for weeks. I eat it, breathe it, and sleep it. I really want to do this, Morgan.”

“Why couldn’t you have told me all of this?”

“I tried. Every time I try to talk to you about anything, you start an argument over it.”

I turned back to look at Drew with a frown. “No, I don’t. You do,” I accused.

“Regardless of who starts it, we end up in a fight. I’m tired of fighting, Morgan. I don’t want to do it anymore. I want this month to be magical for us. I want you to get better, and I want our family back,” Drew explained with great conviction.

I took a deep breath and reminded him of the foundation we’d built our life on. “Drew, we’ve never had that. We’ve always struggled and you know it.”

“But there isn’t a deeper love than ours. You know that, Morgan. Yes, we have a fucked up relationship, we do things most married couples don’t, and we fight just as strongly as we make love, but we’re us. We’re a family and I want nothing more than to have all this animosity between us gone. I miss you, Morgan.”

Well damn…

The rest of the day was superb. The boys stayed at the barn with Nicole and John while I took Morgan grocery shopping. We even went into a little shopping center and bought the boys some warmer clothes, boots, gloves, hats, all the things a mom instinctively know to get.

Morgan and I had lunch at some little diner with amazing warm apple pie, and we talked. A lot. I knew she was probably getting tired of hearing about the school and the barn, but I couldn’t help it. I had never in my life done something so noble, something for someone else, something for Nicky. I wanted it more than anything.

I made Morgan let me take her hand while we walked across the street to the parking lot when she insisted for the third time we needed to get back to the boys. I don’t know who was more protective, her or me. I was starting to feel a little anxiety about them not being with Morgan or me, too.

“This town really does Christmas,” she alleged, pulling her hand away as we neared the car. I felt like we were in a pretty good place from where we started the day, although I could tell Morgan was getting more and more fidgety as the day progressed. Her shaking hand in mine wasn’t hidden well either.

“Yeah, it does. I kind of like it. Why didn’t we ever do Christmas like this?” I asked, locking her between me and the car with my body. “Your nose is red,” I said, kissing the tip of it.

“That’s because it’s cold as balls out here.”

I laughed and kissed her, purposely thrusting my cock into her. Even through the puffy coat, I felt her go limp in my arms.

“Hey this isn’t Hollywood. People around here get rooms for that stuff,” I heard the familiar voice. I pulled away and held out my hand.

“Tim,” I greeted with a hand shake. “This is my wife, Morgan.”

“Pleasure,” Morgan smiled, shaking his hand.

“Tim’s the banker that took care of the house for us.”

“How do you like it, Mrs. Kelley?” he asked.

“I love the house, thank you. It’s beautiful.”

“I’ll let you folks get going. You enter the tree decorating competition?” Tim asked, taking steps backward.

“Yup, I saw Macy, picking yours out. Pathetic,” I assured him.

“I’ll see you Saturday,” Tim pointed.

“Are you like friends with the whole town?” Morgan asked. I kissed her again and opened her door.

“Well the population is two, so… I don’t know that guy, or that one,” I pointed to strangers. We drove in silence back to retrieve our kids. Morgan’s mind was on something else. She was too distracted to have a normal conversation with and kept asking me to repeat things by saying uh, or what?

“What’s going on, love?” I quietly asked, taking her hand.

She pulled it away and sat up straighter with a grunt. She was withdrawing and it shattered my heart. How could I let this happen? “I’m just ready to be home. I’m fine,” she lied.

“You’re a liar. Tell me what it’s like, what are you feeling?”

“Drew, no. Not now. I can’t,” she assured me, bouncing her knee in a frantic manner. “What time is it? The boys are probably ready to be home too.”

“The boys are fine. John just took them back out to the barn to play basketball.”

“Where’s Nicole? Is Nicole there?” she asked worried.

“I don’t know. Did she take it? All of it?”

“Yes, but you still have some. Where are they, Drew?”

“They’re in a box someplace with my shaving bag. I want to talk to Nicole. She didn’t tell me what to do to help you.”

“Let’s run by the house first. I know where that box is.”

“No, Morgan. Let me call Nicole first.”

“Okay, do you have service?” she asked with a raised sarcastic tone.

“They’re only a few more miles down the road.”

“I don’t want to wait a few more miles. I can’t, Drew. Please just stop by the house first. Please,” she begged wringing her hands, bouncing her knees, and flipping her hair. I wasn’t sure what to do. I supposed she knew her body more than I did, but I still didn’t think it was a good idea.

“Morgan—,” I started before she cut me off.

“Drew, look at me. Don’t pretend like you don’t see me. I can’t go around the boys like this and I don’t want John and Nicole to see me either. Please take me home first. It’ll take me five minutes.”

I guess I was a little embarrassed for her to go there too. I did what she requested and turned right rather than left. Five minutes later Morgan was rushing me to unlock the door. She darted up the stairs and right to the box she knew would bring her relief. I followed at a snail’s pace compared to hers.

“Don’t say anything, Drew,” Morgan ordered while I stood with my hands in my pockets and watched. My arms crossed and my body leaned into the door trim while Morgan retrieved a razorblade from her makeup bag. My mouth dried up and my heart hurt when she chopped up the tiny little pill and snorted it up her nose with a ten dollar bill. What the fuck was going on? This wasn’t right. Things like this didn’t happen to people like us.

Morgan grabbed the counter and lifted her face toward the ceiling while her lungs filled with dust and her body relaxed. Just like that, she was calm.

“I feel like you’re two people again,” I spoke, swallowing the hoarseness in my voice.

“What do you mean?” she asked, hiding her paraphernalia back inside the little bag. Her demeanor was a lot calmer than it had been, and her eyes stayed down. She was too embarrassed and ashamed to look at me.

“You know what I mean,” I said, moving to the toilet.

Morgan slid down the wall in front of me, contemplating. “Riley loves Dawson, Morgan loves Drew,” she quoted.

“Morgan loves her family, and this person loves something that’s not part of her.”

“But it is, Drew. It’s been a part of me for a very long time. I should have done this three hours ago. That’s a long time for me to go without it.”

I shook my head unbelieving of the mess we were in. “What’s a normal day like for you?” I wanted to know. “Tell me what’s it’s like from the time you get up until you go to bed.”

“I want to get the boys.”

“Tell me.”

I watched Morgan swallow and fill her lungs with a deep breath. “I do it before I ever brush my teeth. That’s the first time, right after I pee, but it’s only a half a pill. Sometimes when I’m not sleeping well I’ll get up and do a half a line or so,” Morgan explained, playing with the seam of her jeans around her ankle.

“That’s usually plenty to get through until the boys lay down for naps. I usually do another line once they’re down. That’s normally by one. It’s after five. That’s a long time.”

“And you’ll do it again later tonight?” I wondered.

She shrugged still rolling and unrolling the cuff of her jeans. “That depends on if you and I fight, how Nicholas does with no blanket, how much of a whiner Tadpole is because he didn’t get a nap, maybe, I don’t know.” At least she was being honest with me and we were talking and not yelling.

“I’m sorry, love. I never saw this coming. I was too busy trying to make a few million dollars that I don’t need.”

“It’s not your fault, Drew. It’s mine.”

“It’s ours, and we’re going to fix this. I promise.”

“What if we don’t? Do you really think we’re good for each other? I mean, look at us Drew. I’m thirty-four years old, I’ve been with you since I was a kid. When has it ever been good? When haven’t we had one problem after another? Maybe we should try and be apart for the boys. They don’t even pay any attention to us when we’re arguing now. That’s how used to it they are. I don’t want that. I’m tired of fighting. I’m just not sure what we’re fighting for anymore.”

I wanted to scream at her and tell her not to think like that, but I couldn’t. She was right about everything she said. Morgan was a pain in my ass from the day I laid eyes on her. We had a struggle around every bend, but I loved her. I was going to do everything in my power not to let that happen. On a side note, I knew what she was saying. We were both too much in love with our kids to let them think this was normal. It wasn’t and I didn’t want to fight anymore, either. This Christmas would either make us or break us.

We actually had a very good evening with our boys and I never mentioned the bathroom incident again. Not to her, anyway. I did call Nicole while Morgan was in the shower. She assured me that I did the right thing, but she wanted the pills. I was fine with that. I didn’t want to be the one that controlled that.

After a nice sudsy bath, I think Morgan even liked the dog a little. He was a cute little thing and he was making my son extremely happy. He asked if his grandma sent his blanket and when it would get here, but he didn’t have a meltdown about it like he normally would have.

“I better take Dasher outside first,” my grown up Nicky decided when I wanted to sit down with the tablet and look at ideas for our Christmas tree. He was such a little man. Morgan helped him with his new coat that she hated and the snow boots that she also hated. I was sure I’d be seeing an online shopping spree in my near future.

We sat around the beanbag chairs with Morgan’s tablet and researched Christmas tree decorating. Tadpole wanted Spiderman, Morgan wanted a gingerbread house theme, and Nicky wanted bridges.

“No, that’s not it. I’ll know it when I see it,” I said running my thumb up and down Morgan’s leg. I was tapping that shit tonight if I had to hold her down to do it. I smiled to myself more than once when I noticed how my not so discreet wife kept sliding my hand up her leg with hers. I’d slide it up there for her. No problem. “It needs to be bright, vibrant, something that’ll stand out from the other ones.”

“Is there power?” Morgan asked. My hand went up her thigh a little more when I reached around to get the printed rules from the sofa table.

“Why him name is Dasher?” Tadpole asked, petting the little gray dog.

“Hmmm, maybe he was named after one of Santa’s Reindeers, you think?” Morgan questioned, pulling him to her lap with a kiss to his cheek.

“No, I think him name after Kim Kardashian,” Tad decided, sending Morgan and me both into a hysterical laugh. Some of the things that kid came up with…

“Hey, Dad, we could do a beach Christmas tree, like at our house where my blanket it is,” Nicky suggested. He didn’t find the humor in his dog being named after the Kim Kardashian the way Morgan and I did. I still had tears in my eyes.

“I love it, Drew. You can order all kinds of little party favors that would work. We could do flip-flops, surfboards, life preservers, sailboats, go to Boston Owl,” Morgan said, swiping her finger over my page. Damn, if she moved her bare legs any closer I was putting the boys to bed.

“Boston Owl. Why does that sound expensive?”

“It’s actually not. Alicia told me about it. That’s where she got all the panda stuff for Christina’s birthday party. Oh, why did I have to go and think about them? I miss them.”

“We’ll see them soon. I love it, Nicky,” I said, ruffling his hair. The dog growled at me. For whatever reason, that made me very happy. Dasher was protecting my son.

“I’m going to call Alicia, you guys look, but I love it, too. I bet no one else will have a beach theme. You’re so smart,” Morgan said, getting the same growl from Dasher after doing the same thing. We exchanged a glance, thinking the exact same thing and smiled. I watched her walk away in boy shorts she was wearing to taunt me. If the temperature wasn’t at least eighty, Morgan was cold. She wasn’t fooling anyone.

“You want me to start bathwater?” I called.

“Yeah, you can. It’s almost seven thirty. Get a bath, guys, and I’ll warm you up some of Nicole’s applesauce,” Morgan offered. “Shoot. I hate not having service,” she said, dropping her phone to the island after trying to call her friend. I chuckled and rounded up my troops for a bath.

“I’m not taking a bath with Tadpole,” Nicholas assured me. Shit. That meant it was going to take even longer and I had to get Morgan.

Morgan was sitting in one of the library chairs when I opened the pocket door. Her hand quickly pulled out of her shorts and she sat up a little, not missing one beat of telling Alicia about our day. My cock instantly woke up. Her eyes shifted to mine and then away. She knew I had seen enough. She knew I knew. I walked right over to her and dropped to my knees. Her eyes stared directly into mine when I placed her hand in mine and sucked on her fingers. Fuck. Yup, that’s what she was doing. The lust in her eyes forced my dick to grow even harder.

Her hand stayed in mine as I stood and placed it over my cock. She rubbed it up and down while she listened to Alicia. “Nicky won’t bathe with Tad. Can you talk to her in our room?” I quietly asked.

She nodded and stood with the cordless phone. I blocked her path with a full blown tongue kiss while she held her phone out, still listening to Alicia tell her about Vincent’s basketball game.

“Jesus, I want to fuck you,” I rasped in her hair. I stepped away, needing her to get the hell away from me, and smacking her on the ass as she passed.

That’s all I could think about. Thank god I had Tadpole, he was in and out, wanting to go see where the dog was. To my surprise Nicolas was already out, too. He was in his room putting on his new warm pajamas.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you later. Love you back,” Morgan said, laying across our bed.

I moved in beside her and ran my hand up her shirt and right to her nipple. The little pebble beaded right up between my fingers and my cock twitched. “You were playing with your pussy,” I accused, pinching her nipple hard between my fingers.

“I was not, that’s not what I was doing.”

“Yes it was, I walked right in on you. You were rubbing it, weren’t you?”

“Am I going to get spanked if I say yes?”

“Yes, most definitely.”

“Then yes, and guess what?”

“What?”

“It’s still wet. It’s been wet ever since you told me I could sit on your face later. It needs taken care of in a really bad way.”

“Oh, I plan on taking care of it. Have you come across the toy chest yet?” I asked, knowing exactly how I was going to take care of it.

She turned her head and looked at me from the corner of her eye. “That depends on which toy you’re wanting from it.”

“You know which one. I am going to bend your bare ass over my lap and then I’m going to bring you to the brink of an orgasm before I make you squirt clear across the bed. Your pussy will be happy, don’t worry.”

“Jesus, Drew. Let’s just go in the bathroom and have a quickie.”

“I don’t want to have a quickie. I want to slow fuck you in every way possible.” I knew exactly what Morgan was up to as soon as she looked around me for the boys. They both giggled from down the hall and she made her move. She slid my hand down the front of her shorts and tried like hell to get me to touch her. I kissed her and brushed my fingers lightly over her lips and got up.

“I really do hate you,” she teased, sort of.

Morgan and I both ate Nicole’s warm applesauce, fucking with each other. I wouldn’t even call it flirting anymore. She was shooting real bullets, rubbing her pussy and tits on me every chance she got. I did the same to her, torturing myself more so than her, I think.

We almost had an argument over the dog sleeping in bed with Nicholas. He whined and yapped when we tried to get him to sleep in his little homemade bed Morgan made for him. She finally gave up when Nicholas wanted his blanket. I didn’t see what it was hurting. He’d gone to the bathroom, he had a bath, and he was keeping Nicholas from wanting his blanket.

“You do what you want,” she said, kissing Nicholas and leaving me to make the right choice. Did I make her happy, or Nicholas? I left the dog snuggled around Nicholas’s neck and told him goodnight.

The sour look on Morgan’s face told me I pissed her off. She was in a nightshirt rolled to her side with her tablet. I didn’t really give a fuck.

“You can be mad all you want,” I said, taking the tablet from her hands, “but we’re fucking. The dog is fine. He’s clean. He’s not hurting a thing.”

“I know, Drew,” Morgan snapped, trying to be sarcastic. I wasn’t letting her ruin everything we’d worked up to. I know I thought many times that I felt like we’d broken ground, and things were looking up, but I really felt it this time. We did make progress.

“You say one thing and do another, Drew,” Morgan argued. “What happened to we were going to discuss this stuff?”

“We’re not doing this, Morgan,” I demanded again in a low, dominate tone. “Get up and get on your knees,” I rasped, feeling my cock grow inside my sweats. I fisted her hair and pulled her to the floor. The look in her eyes was a little confusing, but I was going with lust. I slid the front of my pants down and stroked my cock to her lips. “This what you want? You want this, bad girl?” I asked, sliding my cock from one side of her lips to the other while holding her hair in a fist.

“Drew, I don’t want this,” she said, looking up to me. My hand stilled on my cock and I let go of the hold I had on her hair.

“You don’t?” I asked confused.

Morgan came to her feet and leaned into me. I wrapped her in my arms and waited for her to speak. I was so fucking confused. What the hell did this woman want from me?

“No, I mean I do, just not now, not tonight.”

“You don’t want to have sex?” I questioned, still not sure what she was saying.

“No, I need you to make love to me.”

The desperation in her eyes explained what I was missing. I slipped her shirt over her head and slid her out of her panties. My immediate kiss forced her to take a step back. Trying to be attentive, I carefully laid her back, never letting our lips part, not until she touched me. Her hands were like ice on my ribs and I jumped with a grunt. She laughed. Music to my ears. I missed silly Morgan.

“I love you so much, Mrs. Kelley,” I whispered to her lips. I didn’t do any of the things that I thought about doing. All the thoughts that kept my dick hard all day were gone when my cock slid up her wet pussy. No guidance was needed. Morgan shifted her hips into mine and wrapped her legs around my back. My cock slid right in. I was glad Morgan didn’t want to do things my way. I knew then what she meant. We did need this. We did need to reconnect, forget real life, and just be us. I guess I needed this more than I needed to be the boss.

Everything we did was an emotional roller coaster. The expressions Morgan made while my hands wandered down her neck, her breast, and her ribs were overzealous, like my hands were literally burning her skin. My lips sucked on her neck and the space just above her ear. Her body shivered below me when I whispered that I loved her. The pain of her nails digging into my back was as erotic as the purrs she moaned in my ear. I moved both my hands under her ass and shoved my cock in as far as it would go, forcing her hips into mine.

Neither one of us wanted to come. Morgan always came within two minutes and I could tell that she was fighting it as much as I was. We made love for as long as I think we ever had before, both needing something from each other.

“You’ve got to come, love,” I warned.

“I don’t want to. I don’t want it to end.” I didn’t want it to end, either, but her moans, her thrashing body beneath me, and the way her pussy contracted around my cock was more than I could control. This was happening. I moved my thumb between us and circled her clit hard, ramming it into her with every thrust of my cock. Her back arched, her head tilted with her eyes, and her arms fell to her sides. After four quick pumps, I dove deep inside her and stiffened while my load filled her pussy. Fuck…

“Good morning. Do you want to have a holiday fling with me?” Drew asked, kissing me on the neck.

I turned from my SpongeBob pancake and frowned at him with a smile. “Good morning. Sure,” I cautioned. “Put some pants on, Nicole is on her way over here.”

“Where are my pants? Why is she coming here? We’ve got to be at the barn at ten anyway.”

“You mean the pants in your closet? What kind of question is that? A holiday fling?”

This really had nothing to do with anything but me. I wasn’t accepting help from Nicole because of anything to do with Drew, my marriage, or whether or not we were going to make it. It had to do with me, and what I had done the last time I met Blain for it. I would never tell Drew that. He would divorce me and I wouldn’t blame him. Nobody needed to know that part. I was ashamed enough.

“You need another shirt,” Drew said, walking away in blue tight boxer briefs. Hmm. Damn.

“Why?” I asked, looking down for a stain.

Drew turned and touched his neck. “There’s a little something on your neck.”

“Drew, I’ll kill you,” I exclaimed, going to the little half bath off the kitchen. Sure enough, there it was, a nice size strawberry hickey. Ugh.

Nicole couldn’t have come a second sooner. Little things that never bothered me before made me want to pull my hair out now. Tadpole wiped his sticky fingers down his pajama shirt and I snapped at him. Who cared? I was going to change him anyway. Nicolas took Dasher outside without a coat after I just told him not to, and Drew left his stupid shavings all over the sink—again!

“It’s not going to do any good like this,” I whined to Nicole.

“Sorry, no more dollar bills up your nose. You signed a release form. I’m making the rules. Take it or leave it,” Nicole offered, handing me the one pill. The one pill I was supposed to swallow with water and wait for ten minutes to feel half the effect. I changed my mind at that moment. I didn’t like her so much after all.

On the contrary, I did have a very good day. I was proud of Drew for how involved he was with all of this. I understood why when I sat through the workshop with Drew in some cold community center. This was why Drew was so adamant about the school. This place was cold, dark, and not very welcoming at all. I was skeptical about the whole thing. How could a man that couldn’t look you in the eye teach a class?

John was one of those awe people you meet once in a life time. He was just so different than anyone I’d ever met in my life and John was an amazing teacher. I learned more in those two hours than I learned on all the research I’d done online. John was extremely funny. Because of his expressionless face and his monotone voice, it took me a couple times to get his humor. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. I laughed when the rest of the group laughed.

“I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome in nineteen eighty four. Nineteen eighty four is an interesting year because it’s five years before nineteen ninety,” John explained to the small group. They all laughed, including Drew. What? That was meant to be funny? “Nineteen ninety is the year I like to call the Autism baby boom,” he explained, giving us the scoop on autism history. I listened closely to this man telling about the rise in autism in the late nineties.

John described his beliefs on what he thought caused the surge. Preservatives in processed foods, something that happened during pregnancy, the environment, and maybe even genetics. I felt Drew’s body tense beside me and without even looking, I knew he was blaming himself again. I dropped my hand over his lap and held the tips of his fingers. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

“Autism is a disorder where you think differently, you act differently, you feel differently, you behave differently, and your body is made differently. And because of those differences, you struggle in everyday life. I’m a true believer that many forms of autism can be treated with the right developmental training. I’m going to teach you how to teach your child to cope with the things that make him different,” John went on in the same dramatic, very clear, descriptive tone. It never changed. No emotion whatsoever.

We left to join the boys two hours later. Nicole and Stacy were making us do some sort of stocking decorating as a group. It was nearly two in the afternoon and I wasn’t feeling the festivities of Christmasville.

Nicole was just placing the red socks in front of the nine kids when we entered with John. She knew as soon as she saw me. She winked at me and continued with her stupid tradition. It wasn’t until after the pill that I finally enjoyed myself and the decorating with messy glitter and glue. Tadpole was overzealous about the presents he was going to get in his stocking. Nicholas really didn’t care about it, he was busy teaching Kim Kardashian to sit. And then he decided the dog needed one, too. He got excited about decorating that one. Boys…

“Now go home and put it buy your tree, it’s beautiful,” Nicole said, squatting a couple feet from Nicholas. Did she do that because she knew he didn’t like to be close to anyone but Drew and me? It was like she talked to him like Drew and I did, how we’d learned throughout the years that we had to be at his level to get his attention. It had nothing to do with him being a disrespectful little brat. He really couldn’t help it.

“We don’t have a tree,” Nicholas said, shifting his eyes quickly from hers.

“Where is your tree? This is December already,” Nicole asked unbelieving.

“Drew did you see the tree from the movers?” I asked. I guess I never really thought about it. Our tree was always gorgeous, but not because we decorated it. We had someone to handle that part.

“Please don’t tell me you have a plastic tree,” Stacy frowned, cocking her hip one way and her head the other.

“Yes, it’s a beautiful white tree with fiber optic lights,” I explained. It was beautiful. I loved that tree.

“Drew, you take her over to Esker’s as soon as you leave here and you get a tree. A real tree,” Stacy ordered. Oh, hell no. I wasn’t putting a real tree in the house with messy sap and pine needles. I already had a dog I didn’t want. “He’s set up in the parking lot of the grocery store. I suggest you get out to his tree farm next year and tag your own.”

“Maybe we will next year. This year we have one, right Drew?”

“I’ll look in the garage. I don’t remember seeing it.”

“I want a real tree like that,” Nicholas informed, sitting next to me and wiping blue glitter down his shirt. I was going to be so sick of Christmas by the time this was over. I could feel it in my bones. Center Station took the Christmas thing a little too serious. Murdering a live tree didn’t seem like the family thing to do to me.

“We’ll see,” I said to shut him up.

“It’s in a bucket, then we can plant it in the dirt,” Nicholas explained, patting his gluing project with his hand. I hated glitter.

Needless to say, we were buying a Christmas tree two hours later. The next day we made ornaments, the next day after that we made popcorn garland. The day after that we had our workshop with John and then made gingerbread man ornaments. We opened our contest paraphernalia and planned our tree-decorating tactic. I mostly listened while my competitive husband and Nicholas decided how our hour time limit needed to be spent.

“Come on Tadpole. Let’s go make some dinner,” I coaxed. He was over it, too. I caught him midair when he flipped over the couch like a sumo wrestler. How he even knew what that was, was beyond me. It wasn’t like he had free access to YouTube, but he picked things up pretty quickly. And I swear the kid didn’t forget anything, especially bad words.

The week was good, I was happy for the most part. It wasn’t that. It was the vitamins and all the juice I had to consume. I was sick of high protein and green leafy vegetables, and I was irritable. I just wanted to do one line and I hated Drew for giving what he had to Nicole. I didn’t care if she was a licensed drug counselor, she sucked and this pushing back every day an hour was bullshit.

I placed a couple chicken breasts in pan of water and snarled my nose at the fish. “Watch this pan so that it doesn’t boil over, Drew. I’m going to bathe Tad. “Nicky, your dog doesn’t have any water,” I added, following Tadpole and the dinosaur up the stairs. We were climbing a tree to a waterfall. I swear that boy’s imagination never stopped.

“I’ll be right back, buddy,” I said, shutting the water off with my trembling hands.

I stepped right around the corner and slid down the wall. My hands covered my face and I tried the breathing technique Nicole taught me. Nothing was working. I just needed it to stop.

“Baby?” Drew, questioned, placing his hand on my knee and squatting to my level. “What’s wrong?”

“I need a fucking line. That’s what’s wrong.”

“What can I do? Do you want a glass of juice?”

“Yeah, Drew. That’ll do it. You’re supposed to be watching my chicken.”

“I’ll take care of the boys. Go soak in your tub,” Drew coaxed, pulling me to my feet. He stopped me and held my hands. “You’re okay, you’ve got this,” he quietly spoke to my lips. “I’ve got Tad, you can go.”

I turned and walked down the hall to our room. Pacing back and forth a couple times, I tried like hell to get a grip on things. It was so strong. I didn’t want anything out of life at that moment, nothing but the high feeling I needed. Fuck. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t handle it. Not like this. She wasn’t doing it right. Nicole didn’t know how to do this. I needed medications or something.

In a state of panic, I opened the closet and tossed boxes. Finding the one marked Morgan’s purses, I searched through every one. Come on. Come on. There had to be one. I started on the bathroom next. I hid them in different places, there had to be one. Just one. That’s all I needed. I flipped the medicine cabinet, searching for anything that would take it away.

“Morgan?” Drew said from the door, interrupting the only task that needed done. The only one that mattered.

“Leave me alone,” I demanded without a glance. There had to be a fucking pill in this goddamn house.

“Morgan,” he coaxed, walking behind me. I jerked away when he tried to hold my arms from behind.

“Don’t fucking touch me. You can’t leave Tad alone in the tub. Leave me alone.”

“He’s watching cartoons downstairs. What can I do to help? Let me be here for you, baby.”

“You can get me the fuck out of this stupid fucking Hallmark movie!” I screamed angrily. “You think dragging me to the coldest fucking place on the planet where I have to deal with snow is going to help anything? I don’t want to decorate a fucking Christmas tree. I don’t want to sew popcorn into garland. I hate this fucking place and I hate these fucking people.

“You’re so fucking stupid, Drew. You have no clue, you think bringing us here to fucking Mayberry Christmas with some idiot that thinks he knows how to handle my child is going to fix anything? You can’t fucking fix anything. It’s too fucking broken.”

I yelled, feeling so much anger toward Drew. Everything that I held inside me all these months came boiling to the surface and I shot him with real bullets, wounding him with every hit. Drew didn’t say a word. He stood back with both hands in the air while I trashed the bathroom.

“Mommy?” Nicholas questioned frightened from the door, holding that stupid dog. He was scared and I hated the terrified look I put in his eyes. I couldn’t help it. It was so strong, I had no filter.

“Get out,” I quietly said to Drew. I didn’t need a fucking babysitter. If Drew wouldn’t have been so stupid, he would know to go take care of Nicholas, not me. It was his fault Nicholas was witnessing this. The change in my demeanor didn’t come from me acting like a wife and a mother. It came from the spotting of the little pill tucked away in the corner inside a pocket of my Tory Burch hand bag.

I’m not really sure what happened after that. The only thing I could see was Nicholas. He was watching everything unfold. Even if I don’t remember it, I know he watched the whole show. I remember Drew trying to take the purse from me, I remember jerking it away from him, and I remember hearing the glass shatter. That’s it. I didn’t remember anything after that.

The next thing I remembered after crashing through the fancy glass shower door was being restrained. I tried to move my arms, but the cuffs around my wrists wouldn’t let me. I tried to move my legs and got the same result. My ankles were held down by restraints pinning me to the bed. What the hell was going on?

“You’re okay, I’m right here, love,” the familiar voice of Drew spoke beside me. I started crying for whatever reason. Like I knew this was it. This was the rock bottom I’d heard talk of throughout my life. I felt like a destitute when Drew wrapped my restrained body in his arms. I couldn’t even hug him back. I was stuck to the bed. That’s when I noticed the bandages up both my arms. Jesus what the hell happened?

Oh my god! Nicky!

“Drew! Where’s Nicky?” The thought of my scared son watching me lose every marble I had flooded my mind. What have I done?

“He’s okay. Nicole came to the house. They were going to make Christmas cookies,” Drew smiled lightheartedly, trying to make me feel better. It didn’t work. I failed at life, I failed at being a mother, and I failed Drew.

“I want to go to him. I need to go to him, Drew,” I begged, feeling the cuts on my right arm when I tried to move.

“No, not right now. He’s fine, I promise. Let’s just get you better first.”

“I’m not staying here. I can’t stay here. Where am I?”

“In the hospital, they’re going to keep you here for a few days. They’re more equipped here to help you deal with your withdrawals.”

“I’m not staying here, Drew. I have to go home with the boys. I’ve never spent a night away from them. I’m not staying here. Why am I tied to the bed? Get these off of me,” I complained, working against the restraints. I couldn’t move.

“They were only trying to keep you from hurting yourself or anyone else. You’re okay, the doctor will be in shortly. You kicked one of the paramedics in the face and one in the chest.”

“I came here in a squad?” Jesus, what the hell did I do? “Oh my god, Drew. Nicky. Nicky was there,” I exclaimed again. The realization hit me over and over. Fuck.

“He’s fine,” Drew promised. Why I picked that moment to see Drew, I’m not sure. Drew looked older. Fine lines appeared in the corner of his worried eyes and faint lines crossed his forehead. We both turned to a female doctor with a bright smile. I wondered if Drew did that for me. I never used male doctors. I’ve never told Drew, but it went clear back to the day we married. The vision of Drew spreading my virgin legs for the doctor to make sure I was a virgin was still very vivid.

I could replay every single second—

I was a child, eighteen years old to the day. “This nice man is going to examine you a little, Morgan,” my dad explained.

Examine me? What the fuck?

Drew closed the door behind him when my dad stepped out.

“I need you to undress from the waist down,” the man said, and just like that, I was in instant panic mode. I wasn’t about to take my jeans off in front of either one of them, let alone let him touch me.

My eyes shot to Drew, standing there in his fancy suit and tie, smirking.

“Why?” I managed to ask.

“We just want to make sure that you’re not damaged.”

“I’m not,” I all but yelled.

“Take your pants off, Morgan,” Drew said with dark eyes that scared the hell out of me.

I didn’t know what to do, knowing it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not.

After not moving and staring at the two of them in shock, Drew finally squatted to my face, placing both of his hands on my knees. “We have a plane waiting on us, Morgan.” He smiled.

“I don’t want to go with you,” I claimed.

Drew grabbed both my ankles and pulled me flat on my back. I could only stare in total shock, scared to death. He unbuttoned my jeans and slid them off with my panties in one swift move. I crossed my ankles and covered myself with my hands.

“Spread your legs, Morgan,” Drew spoke while the doctor, or whatever he was, removed a light and some sort of silver tool.

I couldn’t even cry. I didn’t know what emotions were transpiring as I lay there, trembling and exposed. I hadn’t even had a pap test, and here I was, spread eagle for two total strangers.

“NOW!” he demanded.

I slowly opened my legs and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn’t know which one of them was even touching me. I thought that Drew had been the one who pulled my knees up, exposing my very personal sex. I jumped when I felt the instrument penetrate me and then felt the warmth from the light between my legs.

“Her hymen is fully intact,” the man examining me assured Drew. I jumped again when he pulled the tool from my vagina. Drew stood above when the doctor stepped out, leaving him alone with me.

“Get dressed, we have to go,” he demanded, and that was when the tears started.

This was really happening. My dad was really going to let this man take me. Drew pulled me to a sitting position and placed both hands on my bare knees.

“No tears, Morgan. I’m doing you the biggest favor of your life. You are going to live like a queen and all you have to do to earn it is listen to me. Now get dressed. We’re leaving,” he demanded with a clenched jaw and a look that frightened me to the core. Moving my knees apart, Drew looked at my sex. I quickly snapped them back together. He snickered and then watched while I dressed quickly and pulled on my sneakers.

“Morgan?”

“Morgan?”

“Is she okay?”

“Morgan?”

“Huh?” I asked, seeing Drew and the female doctor standing in front of me. I blinked from the light being shown in my eyes. This was real. I was really restrained in a hospital bed.

I didn’t know what was going on. I mean, it seemed like we were doing okay, not great, but a lot better. Morgan was doing well, and she was having fun with the Christmas festivities. She liked Nicole and Stacy and she loved doing the silly little projects with the boys. And then bam. She just snapped.

“Here you go,” Dr. Guttenberg said. Morgan looked down at her wrapped arms and then to me.

“Did I get cut?”

“Yeah, you landed on some glass. It’s not bad.” I smiled, moving my hands to my pockets. I stepped back and listened while the doctor asked her questions and examined her. I felt like such a failure. I was Drew fucking Kelley. How the hell did I let this slip through the cracks? I was on top of everything.

“Don’t feel like you’ve done something wrong, Morgan,” the doctor said, moving her legs up and then down. I have no idea what she was checking for there, her muscles worked fine. It was her mind that wasn’t working fine. Was that my fault? Did I push her to this point? Maybe Morgan was right. Maybe we shouldn’t keep doing this. When things were great they were really great. When they were bad, they were really bad.

I was supposed to be the strong one, the one that held it all together and the only thing I could do is continue to watch it crumble. Did I do this to her? Our foundation was started on quicksand. Maybe we never had a chance in hell. Maybe we brought two boys into the world only to mess them up, too. I didn’t want that. They deserved better than that.

I half listened to the question being asked, and the answers Morgan gave while my mind thought about the first time I touched her.

Morgan came out of her bathroom wrapped in a towel. My heart was racing from the anger that I felt toward her father, toward being forced to marry her, and the big deal I’d lost that afternoon. I was instantly pissed at her. I took no mercy on Morgan that day, the day she lost her virginity. The day that I officially made her mine.

I pulled the chair from her vanity, parked it right in front of her and made her sit and spread her legs.

I watched her play with her pussy for a long time, still trying to rid the thoughts of Michael, her fucked up father. Spreading her lips with my fingers, I ordered her to rub her little clit faster and harder, daring her to come. I knew she was going to come, I wanted her to come. Every time she would try and shift her fingers a bit, trying to cease the impending orgasm, I made her move them back.

Smiling when she came, I knew I could punish her, not that I wasn’t going to anyway. I made her bend over in front of me and then spanked her until she wore a nice layer of my handprint on both her ass cheeks. I finger fucked her ass, after making her tell me that she wanted me to, grinding my erection into her ass as I did.

After making her tell me that she wanted me to fuck her pussy, I ordered her to lay on her bed and spread her legs. I never thought about her being a virgin or the pain that it would cause when I vehemently forced into her. She grimaced in pain and jumped away from me. I didn’t care; I pulled her hips and thrust deep into her. She no longer wanted to come, she wasn’t enjoying any of this, but that was okay to me. It wasn’t about her. She wasn’t there to find pleasure. The second I felt the sensation building, I pulled my bloody cock from her pussy and pushed her to the floor. I stroked my hand savagely, transferring blood to my palm. Rubbing my head over her lips, it wasn’t coming. I shoved her back to the bed, pumped in and out of her like a crazy man, and ordered her back to her knees.

I held her nose while I fisted my cock to her lips and forced my cock in her mouth when she finally took a breath. I thought she was going to pass out before she let me in. I pumped my cock, sending three bouts of come in her mouth and on her lips, groaning in pure ecstasy.

“Go clean up,” I dominantly requested after painting her lips and coating her tongue with my come.

I watched her cry, curled up in a naked ball on her bathroom floor that night on my computer. That was how her adult life started. Under the thumb of me. I did so many things to Morgan, it was a wonder she wasn’t on something worse than opiates.

“You’re not alone, Morgan,” I heard the doctor say. I looked up to see her siting on Morgan’s bed, holding both her hands. She looked so sad, so lost, and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it. “Opioid dependence is a real medical condition. It’s very common, and can happen to anyone. You are not alone,” the doctor repeated, rubbing the back of her hand. Dr. Guttenberg started to ask me to step out before Morgan interrupted with a question.

The sneaky wheels were spinning in my head. I wasn’t about to let Morgan talk to this woman without me knowing what she was saying. Not when she wouldn’t even talk to me. If I had to be sneaky to figure out what the hell was going on with my wife, that’s what I would do. I used the distraction to excuse myself to Morgan’s bathroom. After silencing her phone, I called it with mine, and then answered. Flushing the toilet, I waited for the screen to go dark and walked out.

“Drew, can you leave us for a few minutes?” The doctor asked when I exited.

“Sure, I’ll be right outside, love,” I promised, laying her phone on her bedside table.

I stood down the hall looking out at the wet parking lot. The snow had pretty much melted except for a few piles pushed into heaps. The lights glistened off the dark pavement and rain fell with a steady light flow.

“Morgan, is there anything you need to talk about?”

“No, what do you mean?” Morgan questioned. I held my hand over the receiver when a man coughed behind me and hit the mute button.

“I mean, like your husband. Are you in any danger at home? I noticed you have a pretty nice scar on your head, your x-rays showed a pin in your tailbone, and the CT scan showed you’ve had your spleen repaired. That’s a lot of injuries, Morgan. Has Drew ever hit you?”

“No, I mean, yeah, but it’s been a few years. Drew didn’t do any of that to me. I was in a car accident.”

“We’re here to help you, Morgan. You don’t have to hide anything. There are people who can protect you.”

“I don’t need to be protected. I need to go home to my boys. It’s past their bed time.”

“Have you ever talked to anyone? You said Drew hasn’t hit you in a few years, did you seek counseling?”

“Yes, we did. I don’t need counseling. I need to get out of here and go home.”

“I want to keep you overnight for observation. I’m going to make a strong suggestion that you admit yourself into Buffs Treatment Center. It’s right here in Buffalo. I highly recommend a ten-day stay. You give them ten days, Morgan, and you can have this totally out of your system and be home in plenty of time for Christmas. I’d like to have you treated with Suboxone. I think with where you are right now, you need it. Once you’re done with your treatment you can go back under the care of Nicole. Did she tell you she was a counselor there?”

“No, I mean sort of. You know Nicole?”

“Yes, I’ve worked with her many times. She’ll be your counselor at Buffs. Nicole thinks this is the best idea too, Morgan. You’ll be home in plenty of time for Christmas.”

“I can’t. I have to be home with my kids. I’m serious when I say I have never been without them. Never. My kids are different than other kids. They need me there,” Morgan explained in my ear. I wanted to go to her and wrap her in my arms. I wanted to tell that doctor to go fuck herself and take her out of there. The guilt I felt was overbearing. This was all on me. I was responsible for every single bit of it. I put her here.

“I understand, Morgan, I do, but answer me one thing. Do you think you have a problem here?”

“Yes,” Morgan brokenly said. I hated the crack in her voice. It was the one where she was fighting not to cry. The one that made me want to go to her. I was ready to barge in and do just that when I stopped and listened again.

“When did you know? Tell me the moment that you knew you couldn’t keep going like you are,” Dr. Guttenberg asked. That’s when I turned back and listened more.

“I can’t tell you. It’s too bad.” That got my attention.

“I’m not going to tell anyone, Morgan. Did you do something?”

“Yes.”

“Did you do something to get more drugs?”

“Yes,” she admitted. I couldn’t breathe. If Morgan said this Dr. Blain she had in her phone forced her to do something for pills, I was going to murder him. If that fucker so much as laid one finger on her, he’d be shitting in a bag for the rest of his life.

“Did you do something with a guy to get drugs?”

My heart literally stopped beating. My thumb was on the button to end the agony when I heard her respond. I couldn’t hang up. This would be the camel that broke the straw’s back. We wouldn’t recover from this. I still couldn’t think about that fucker Dawson Bade touching her. We wouldn’t bounce back from this. I knew we wouldn’t.

“No, it wasn’t like that. I would never cheat on Drew. It’s worse.”

My heart still refused to beat. Worse? What could be worse than that?

“Tell me, Morgan. Tell me—it’s important for you to get better. What did you do? What do you want to make sure never happens again?” the doctor coaxed. Morgan hesitated before explaining what she’d done. She was right. This was way worse. I no longer wanted to hold her and make it better for her. I suddenly wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to suffer. How dare she?

“Drew made my friend Alicia come and stay with me while he went out of town. He came here,” she added, stalling. “He didn’t trust me with the boys and a bottle of pills. I’d recently met a guy who could get Oxy’s. He taught me how the effects were enlightened by snorting them rather than taking them.”

“Go on.” Yes, go on, Morgan, I urged to myself, needing the adrenaline rush to slow down in my veins.

“I lied to her and told her I was going to walk down the beach to my mom’s with my son. I knew Drew was going to make me come here and I was afraid I wouldn’t find a doctor here to give them to me.”

“So you went to find your friend with your son?” she asked.

“Yes, Tadpole. I thought he would be safer than my oldest son. Nicholas paid close attention to detail. I knew I could distract Tad by telling him we were somewhere else.”

“Where were you?”

“At a bar.”

“And that’s when you knew you had a problem? When you knew you needed help?”

“No, it gets worse. I left him,” Morgan confessed. My eyebrows frowned wondering what she meant. I could tell she was either crying or needed to get her bearings straight before she could finish. “I left him sitting on a barstool with a Reese’s Cup and a Pepsi while I went into the bathroom with Blain and snorted drugs up my nose. I was only in there for five minutes at the most. Even though everything in me screamed not to leave him, the part needing a fix screamed louder.

“I rushed out to him as soon as I had what I came after safely in my pocket, feeling a lot better than I had when we walked in. He was gone. Tadpole wasn’t on the stool where I left him. The candy wrapper and full glass of pop was gone, too. I freaked. I panicked, walking around the bar and calling his name.”

“It’s okay, Morgan. He was fine, I presume. He’s safe at home, right?”

“Yes, but anything could have happened. I have never been so scared in my entire life. Never. He was rolling the white ball over the empty pool table, making train noises. I grabbed him up and held on to him for dear life. I’ll never do that again,” Morgan promised. That’s when my thumb hit the end button. She may have been right. This was worse than her doing something sexual for drugs. She put our son in danger and I was pissed.

I knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. I knew Morgan needed me, but I couldn’t help her, not at that time. It was best I stayed far, far away from her. I wanted to kill her. She watched the news. She knew. She knew how quickly someone could snatch a kid, especially one that weighed less than thirty pounds. What the fuck was she thinking?

I dropped my phone to my pocket and walked out. Morgan didn’t deserve those boys. I don’t care what a dick I could be, I would have never in a million years put one of our children in danger. I don’t know that I’ve ever been that mad at her. I was so mad I couldn’t see straight.

I opened the door to her SUV and glanced up to her window. I hesitated briefly while my eyes focused on the third floor window. I knew it was her silhouette without a doubt, and just for a second, I almost turned back. The vison of my three-year-old son being bribed with pop and candy while my junky wife left him alone to do drugs kept me from it. I got in and slammed the door.

I left her there.

My eyes shifted when the light on my phone came on. I watched Drew’s sixteen minute call end with the blinking of his name. Now what have I done. I tried to listen to the doctor, but I didn’t care about what she said. Drew just listened to me confess to leaving our son alone while I snorted drugs up my nose. He would never forgive me for this.

I’m not sure what drew me to the window, maybe I knew. My eyes went right to the only car in the parking lot with the dome light lit. Drew looked up to me from the door of my car and hesitated. I placed my hands on the thick, cold glass, silently begging him to come back. He didn’t. Drew backed out of the parking spot and left. Drew left me there.

“I really think you should let us check you into the clinic, Morgan,” the doctor said. I swiped the tear and glanced over my shoulder at her. “Can I sleep on it?” I asked, knowing I wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t know if I would ever go home, wherever that was. I’m not sure Drew and I ever had a home. Not like it should be, not without fighting each other tooth and nail anyway.

Dr. Guttenberg nodded and left me. The calmness I felt ensured me I had been given something, but the realization of my life forced me not to care. I couldn’t even be mad at Drew for his conniving, sneaky ways. He set me up with his bogus bathroom trip. In any other circumstance, I would have been fighting mad at him. I didn’t have that right. I couldn’t even think about how I would feel had Drew done what I did with one of the boys. I may even kill him.

I grabbed the thin white blanket from the foot of my hospital bed and wrapped it around my shoulders. Leaning against the windowsill, I crossed my arms and let the thoughts take over. It was time and I knew it. I couldn’t take care of anyone if I didn’t take care of myself first. I had to check myself into this place. There was no other way. Nicky and Tadpole deserved better than this. Neither of them asked Drew or me to bring them into this world. We did, and it was my responsibility to make sure I could take care of them.

It was also time for Drew and me to figure out what the hell we were doing. We had to stop this. If that meant being co-parents in two different houses, then that’s what we’d do. We had to. Drew was probably never going to talk to me again anyway.

I laid in my too-quiet room and stared up at the ceiling. I didn’t get it. How could two people who loved each other as much as we did get here? Humph. Who am I fooling? We’ve always been here. I didn’t think about how great things were when Drew and I were getting along. I thought about how they never lasted, how Drew and I always had issues. Were we always doomed? Were we fighting against a bigger army than we had strength to fight?

We were doomed. We never had a snowball’s chance in hell. How could we? Look where we started. Did Drew remember that? Did Drew have any clue how any other female would have put him out with the trash? No one I know would still be with him, no one. No one. I never thought about those days, well not really, once in a while maybe. I couldn’t think about them, not with the way things were. It only made me feel stupid, like Drew’s clown and angry at him.

Did Drew think about it? Did he remember everything he’d done to me? I bet Drew’s first time wasn’t the way mine was. I never gave mine away. I never asked him to take it. He forced me. I remember it like it was yesterday. The feeling of being deserted by not one but both my parents still felt fresh.

It was later in the evening, and I had already retired to my room for the night. Drew had left for a few days the very day he took me to the mansion. I didn’t even think about it when I saw the fresh clean nightgown and panties on my bed. I was starting to get used to having my clothes laid out every morning and every night. I grabbed the panties and left the nightgown on the bed.

I walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me to see Drew sitting on my bed. I jumped and pulled the towel tighter around my naked body.

“What are you doing in here?” I asked.

“Now, is that any way to greet your husband after he’s been gone for a week?” he asked with a smirk.

“You could have stayed gone for a month, and I wouldn’t have cared.”

He stood and was in my face in a split second. “Where are your manners, Mrs. Kelley?”

“I AIN’T GOT NONE,” I yelled back.

“I don’t have any,” he corrected my hick language. “Now, say it again.”

“Fuck you!” I said through gritted teeth.

That was the first time he hit me. The back of his hand went right across my right cheekbone, and I almost landed on the floor.

“That will be the last time you ever say anything like that to me. Do you understand?” he asked as I held my throbbing face.

I didn’t answer and willed my tears to stay put.

“Answer ME!” he said, raising his voice.

“YES!” I yelled right back.

“Yes, Drew, and try to say it a little nicer this time.”

“Yes, Drew,” I said quietly. I had to. I was afraid he would hit me again.

“Good girl. Now come here,” he ordered, sitting back to my bed.

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to go to him. What did he want? Why did I have to go to him…on my bed?!

“I said to come here, Morgan,” he warned. I slowly took the five steps to him, counting every one, and stopping when I thought it was close enough.

“Closer,” he demanded with a dark, hungry look in his eyes.

My knees were shaking as I walked to him. Drew ran both his hands down my still damp arms, sending chills up my spine. My breath caught when he moved my right arm away from holding the towel closed over my breasts. He pulled it apart and let if fall to the floor. My eyes closed in utter humiliation.

“Oh my, my, you have got to be the hottest little thing I’ve ever seen,” he admitted as his eyes went right to my pussy. I was so glad that I had taken the panties with me and was somewhat covered. I should have known that I wasn’t going to keep them on for long.

He pulled the front of my panties out and only looked at first.

“I love this,” he said, touching the thin line of hair leading right to my sex.

I gasped from his touch and stepped back with one foot. He stood and walked behind me, kissing the back of my neck as his hands explored my stomach and ribs. I could smell his cologne and closed my eyes at what was transpiring, having no say in it whatsoever.

His lips trailed my neck and shoulders and then his fingers found my nipple. I almost moaned when he teased it between his thumb and finger. I felt the sensations electrify from my nipple all the way to my groin.

He slowly moved in front of me and kissed me. I didn’t kiss him back and kept my lips pressed firmly together.

“Open your mouth,” he ordered.

I parted them slightly, but it was enough for him to gain access and take my mouth with his tongue. I tried my best not to kiss him back or touch him, but my body was betraying me, and strange emotions took over.

I didn’t think my heart could beat any faster, not until he pulled away from my lips and dropped to the floor in front of me. He slowly moved my panties down my legs and had to tell me to pick up my feet so he could remove them. He sat back on his feet and stared at my sex.

“I love this,” he softly spoke, moving his fingers between my legs. I gasped from his touch, and he snickered a little. He hadn’t touched between my folds yet, and only gently ran his fingers on my smooth lips.

“Do you want me to touch you, Morgan?” he rasped.

“No,” I spouted in a hateful tone.

And he snorted again. “I think you do,” he accused, placing his thumb and forefinger on my lips and opening me up, still not touching me. I was afraid that he could see the throbbing that was begging for attention. I didn’t want any of what he was doing and I didn’t understand why my body was feeling the way it was around him.

After standing, he looked down and kissed my lips, circled me, and kissed my neck again. I was begging myself with everything in me to keep it together. He might be able to make me do what he wanted, but he couldn’t make me enjoy it. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t enjoying it, and I didn’t want him to touch me, but I was quickly losing the battle.

I remember him thrusting his hips into me right after I thought about him having a little dick. That’s why he had to buy a wife. That was far from the case. I felt Drew’s not so small dick on my hip.

“Lay down on the bed, Morgan,” he whispered in my ear, walking me forward when I didn’t move. My knees shook even more and I trembled. I didn’t want to do it. I was so scared and Drew didn’t care. Not one little bit of sympathy did he show for me. None.

I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Did he want me lay on my stomach? I didn’t know what he wanted so I did nothing, nothing except notice my heart beating out of my chest and the dull pain on my cheekbone. He turned me around and moved me back so that I had to sit. He wasn’t modest at all and didn’t care that his dick was right in front of me. He grabbed himself and made a hissing sound as he moved it, trying to get some relief in the now too tight dress slacks.

Drew picked up both my legs, willing me to lay back. I scooted back on my elbows, not wanting to be exposed to him. He had the most lustful, crazed look in his eyes as he seemed engrossed in my naked body beneath him. He slid both his hands up my legs and to the edges of my pussy. Drew still didn’t touch me where I felt I needed to be touched.

“Spread your legs,” he demanded, grabbing himself again.

“I don’t want to,” I weakly spoke.

“But you’re going to, so you should take heed in my warning and listen to me now.”

I was afraid of the warning he spoke of and slowly raised both of my legs. He hissed again as he stared at my extremely open sex. Using both of his thumbs, he opened me more. I closed my eyes, trying to shut out him and the humiliation.

“You’re very wet, your pussy wants to be touched, doesn’t it, Morgan?”

“No,” I said through my rapid breaths while my body trembled beneath his powerful stance.

“I am not touching you until you tell me to.”

He continued to tease my outer folds, but wouldn’t go anywhere close to my inner core. He would get close, very close, and after what seemed like hours that I was sure were only minutes, I twisted my hips, hoping his fingers would slip and find my throbbing nub, but he stopped moving altogether.

“Do you want me to touch you now?”

“Yes,” I said in a panting breath, noticing the winning smirk on his face. I wanted to kick it right off him, but I wanted him to touch me more. I remember thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, maybe I could enjoy it.

He turned his hand, palm side up, and ran his middle finger from my opening up to my clit. I squirmed beneath his fingers, and closed my eyes, trying not to moan. He never slid his fingers inside of me, like I was hoping he would, but focused on my slick wetness, massaging the slipperiness into my clit. He placed his thumb on the throbbing sensation, circling it with just the right amount of pressure. I knew I was going to explode when my hips moved into his thumb. I was almost there, so close to the crest when he slowed his pace and pressure.

“Do you want to come, Morgan?” he asked, towering over me.

I did want to come, and I wanted to come right that second. I knew I was going to have to play his game, and he wasn’t going to do anything without me telling him, so I played the game.

“Yes,” I whispered.

Drew picked up his speed and added more pressure again. Just when I was right there, ready to be relieved, he abruptly stopped. My eyes opened and he pulled me up, and then pushed me to the floor to kneel in front of him.

“You can come when you learn to listen and watch your mouth.”

I started to panic again when he undid his belt and freed himself. He placed the head of his cock right on my tightly squeezed lips.

“Open your mouth, Morgan.”

“Uh-uh,” I hummed as he moved his head from one side of my lips to the other, applying his pre-come to my lips like lipstick. He continued this, enjoying it, I was sure, until he wanted in my mouth.

“Open your mouth, Morgan,” he demanded again, but I still wasn’t doing it. No way was he was putting that thing in my mouth.

He brought his hand up and rubbed my already bruised cheek, and then plugged off my only source of oxygen with his fingers. I still didn’t care. I would pass out before I opened my mouth for his dick. That only lasted for about a minute and my survival instincts betrayed me, causing me to gasp for air. I tried to do it quickly, but he was faster and shoved himself inside my mouth with a gratifying moan.

“Oh, fuck yeah,” he muttered, sliding in and out of my mouth. He held my head by the top of my hair and thrust in and out of me, sometimes causing my gag reflex to engage. He moved rapidly, and when I felt the pulsating, I knew he was about to come in my mouth. I swiftly jerked away from him. He continued to stroke himself and held my nose again.

“Ah, open up, baby,” he moaned, close to release.

No way! Fuck you, dude.

Again, the stupid survival instinct kicked in and I was forced to take a breath, allowing him access again, but this time, he held my jaw open with his fingers. He pulled out again and stroked himself ferociously on my lips, and just like that, he was spewing out, moaning as his eyes watched the show. He managed to get his head in just enough to ensure that I did get it in my mouth and then smeared the rest of it, moistening my lips with his come. Every time I tried to push it out of my mouth with my tongue he used his head and pushed it back. I finally swallowed what was in my mouth just to get it out.

He picked up the towel that I had around me, wiped himself off, and put himself away. He tossed me a towel and I instantly spit into it, wiping as much of him away as I could. He squatted to me on the floor and ran his middle finger up my glistening wet folds again and whispered to my lips.

That was how Drew treated me the very first time we were intimate, and that wasn’t even sex yet. Drew came back the following morning to punish me, literally. I was forced to bend over his lap while he spanked me, and then he fucked me, just not where my virginity counted. He made me hold my legs up and he gave it to me in my ass. That’s how Drew treated me, those were the things Drew did to me, and when he finally did take my virginity, it wasn’t pleasant. Drew forced himself in me and then came in my mouth. Those were my memories of getting to know my husband. There were no flowers or candy. Only Drew. Drew with the devil in his eyes.

Maybe I hadn’t forgiven him, maybe I never would. I think it hurt more now, looking back, than it did at the time. I hated him then, but I would die for him now. Drew was the most complicated person on earth, but maybe it really was best for everyone around. Especially Nicky and Tadpole.

“Mrs. Kelley?” a nurse quietly spoke from my door. I turned to look at her, showing her that it didn’t matter that it was three in the morning. I was wide awake.

“I’m awake.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like an idiot,” I snorted.

“We all go through things. I need to know if you’re going to go to the clinic. They need to get ready for you, Nicole Riverton will come and take you there. We just need the go ahead from you,” she softly explained.

I took a deep breath and the tears escaped. All I could see was Nicholas standing outside the bathroom, watching me. I didn’t want to leave my boys, not at Christmas, and not for ten days. They couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle that.

“Yes, I’ll go,” I managed to say through sobs.

I moved Tadpole’s little body from my arm when my phone rang. The panic of Morgan calling at three thirty in the morning made me answer. It wasn’t like I was sleeping anyway. I had two boys and a dog in my bed. Two boys that didn’t understand what was going on. Two boys that wanted their mommy. I moved over to the loveseat in front of the cozy fire and answered.

“Hello.”

“Drew?”

“Are you okay?” I asked. I could tell she was crying when she hesitated. I could hear the crackling in her tone, and I could tell in the way her breaths caught when she spoke.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m going to check in to the clinic. Nicole is going to pick me up and take me there in the morning. It’s for ten days.”

“Okay,” I replied. I didn’t know what else to say.

“You’re not taking them from me, Drew. I’m going to get better, and I’m going to be the best mommy to those two little boys I can be.”

“I would never keep you from the boys. You know that, but if you think for one second you’re going to be alone with either of them while you’re on opiates you’re crazy. I’ll run with them first. You’ll never see them again.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you did that, but I’m going to kick this. I will win.”

“I hope you do. And then what, Morgan?”

“I don’t know, Drew. Maybe it’s time we stop fighting this,” Morgan proposed in a sob. I bit my bottom lip, hating the thought of what she was suggesting.

“Go do your time, and we’ll talk about it after the holidays. I don’t know what to do. I really like it here. I want to keep Nicky working with John, and I want to stay in Center Station.”

“I guess that’s something we’ll have to discuss. I’m sure there are other homes for sale around there where we can stay close to each other for the boys. I have nothing anywhere else. You have all I care about in this world there with you.”

“Morgan, please stop crying,” I begged watching the fire blur through my own watering eyes.

“I have to go, Drew. Please give the boys a kiss and tell them I love them so much,” Morgan said through weeps and sniffles.

“Morgan?” I called right before I heard the silence and then her blinking name. I may or may not have shed a tear or two that night. Was this it? Were Morgan and Drew finished?

Fuck! Life could not be this cruel. When was it my turn to be happy? When was it my turn to stop fighting with this fucked up thing called life?

“Where my mommy go?” Tadpole asked, climbing to my lap with Nicholas’s blanket that he suddenly didn’t care about anymore. Blankly had been easily replaced with Dasher. Who would have thought? I rubbed my sore neck, siting up from my slouched position on the loveseat.

“Mommy’s still at the doctor, buddy. Come on, let’s go pee.”

I did what I had planned on doing with the boys without Morgan. I did the workshop with John at the little community center and then helped with making a ring garland out of red and green construction paper. It wasn’t the same without Morgan here. Even the boys seemed to be down. Tadpole wasn’t bouncing off the walls like he normally was. It made me wonder what went on in their little minds.

“Your wife not coming today?” Macy Spirits asked, sliding beside me. Too close beside me. I smelled her strong perfume before I saw the cleavage pressing toward me.

“My mommy not feel very much good,” Tadpole explained.

“She’s not coming today,” I offered with only that. I didn’t need the town slut hitting on me right now. I moved to the other side of the table to help Nicholas get his chain of red and greens unstuck from being glued to the table.

As soon as Stacy took the boys to start practicing for the Christmas play, I stepped out. I need air. I needed to know what was going on with Morgan. Should I call her? Should I call Nicole? Should I call her mother? Fuck. I hated this. Fuck.

“You okay?” Nicole asked, coming around the corner.

“Nicole, where is she?”

“She’s at the clinic, Drew. She’s okay,” she assured me. I wasn’t expecting her to hug me. What the fuck? “She’s going to be fine. She’s a fighter. Don’t worry about her.”

“Did you talk to her? What’s she saying?”

“She’s confused, hurt, and ashamed, you know, typical junky stuff,” she teased, letting me go.

“I don’t think I can forgive her this time. You have no idea what she did.”

“Yes I do. She left Tadpole alone in a bar while she scored in the bathroom. She told me. So what. Tadpole is fine and Morgan feels horrible about it. I’m not going to hang her for doing what addicts do. I’ve worked with clients that have left their children in cars for hours while they scored. You don’t understand what she’s going through right now. Unless you’ve been addicted to something, you can’t know what you would do to get it. Don’t hang her on the square for something she had no control over.”

“She left him alone in a bar. He’s three,” I reminded her. Fuck that. I wasn’t letting that one go that easily. She knew what she was doing. She even said she knew not to do it. She did it anyway. No. I wasn’t going to be that forgiving. I couldn’t.

“And you called her phone to spy on her. What gives you the right?”

“It’s obvious she wasn’t going to tell me.” I could feel myself getting mad all over again. Just thinking about Tadpole sitting alone in that place boiled my blood.

“I wouldn’t have, either. Haven’t you ever done anything that you’re ashamed of? Something you wouldn’t want anyone else to know you did? Have you always permeated this perfect husband and father persona? Or is that only when you’re not behind closed doors?”

“What did she tell you?” I asked, knowing Morgan was running her mouth about shit other people didn’t need know about.

“Why does that matter? You’re God. You’ve never done anything you regret, anything stupid, or anything you would take back in a heartbeat if you could. Look, Drew. All I’m saying is be careful what you wish for. If you don’t fight for her, you’re going to lose her. She wants me to bring her some house listings around here. She’s not coming home to you.”

“Did she tell you that? She won’t be away from the boys over the holidays,” I assured her. Morgan will want to be with them on Christmas.” Morgan would never do that. We may not have been much on the whole Christmas traditions, but we still woke up to Santa being there no matter where we were. Morgan wouldn’t miss that for anything.

“Make it right, Drew. Be there with roses in hand when she walks out of those doors sober. Show her you love her more than you love holding on to something you have no business holding on to. If I were you, I wouldn’t take this little thing here too far. She doesn’t want you. She wants a divorce, Drew.”

“No she doesn’t. She’s just saying that. She’s just confused and upset. Morgan would never leave me. She wouldn’t,” I assured Nicole. She didn’t know anything. Everything I thought before about maybe it being time to call it quits was bullshit. I didn’t want that. Not at all. Not for one second. Morgan didn’t want a divorce. She was lying.

I dialed Morgan’s number, walking away from Nicole.

“Drew, she doesn’t have her phone. She’ll get it back in five days.”

“I have to talk to her. I have to see her,” I assured her in a panic. They couldn’t tell me I couldn’t see her.

“You can talk to her in a few days. The best thing you can do for her right now is take care of her babies. That’s all she’s worried about right now.”

“Did she cry?” I asked, trying not to tear up. “When you left her, did she cry?”

“She’s fine, Drew,” Nicole lied. The thought of her being taken there by Nicole and not me hit me like a ton of bricks. Every fucking time. I fucked up every fucking time. The thought of her crying, knowing she wasn’t going to see the boys crushed me. I couldn’t imagine going ten days without seeing or talking to them.

“She can’t go ten days without seeing them,” I said with an alarmed tone.

“Five days. You can take the boys to see her Tuesday. Come on. We have a competition to win. Morgan told me your theme. It’s brilliant.”

“Nah, I think we’re just going to head home,” I said, declining the traditions. Morgan was right. It didn’t matter where I dragged her to live. We could have a million houses and not one of them would be a home.

“Oh, no you’re not. I promised Morgan I would make you go. You’re taking those boys to decorate a tree. They really want that blue ribbon. Now move it. If I don’t go back to that clinic in the morning with a photo of Nicholas and Tadpole in front of their tree, Morgan will kill me. Oh, here. I almost forgot. I’m supposed to give you this for the boys. Pull yourself together and let’s go decorates some trees,” Nicole said, punching my arm. I took the brown paper sack she pulled from her purse and opened it.

This is why I loved Morgan. This is why I had to fix this. “Beef jerky,” I said out loud. Only Morgan would think to send them beef jerky. I was beginning to feel like I was two people. One wanted his wife more than anything in the world, and one was the ass that left her alone in a strange hospital.

“Is Mommy helping, too? Mommy has to come too, Dad,” Nicholas said, stumbling a little from his new best friend crossing in front of him. I grabbed the back of his hood to keep him from wiping out in the muddy half green, half brown path to the park.

“No, Mommy’s still at the doctor. She has to stay there for a few days,” I explained.

Despite the fact that Morgan wasn’t there with us, we had fun. I’m sure I would have been more competitive and joined in on the bickering the guys shot back and forth had Morgan been there. Nonetheless, it was fun, the boys had fun and we took second place. We didn’t get the blue ribbon, but it was fine. Tadpole traded our second place green ribbon for the first place red one anyway. He didn’t like green.

I gave it to Nicole and told her to give it to Morgan when she showed her the pictures of the boys standing in front of our beach covered tree. Looking around at my little guys fitting right in with these people, I felt a little sad because things didn’t work the way I’d planned them to work.

“Let’s get going, guys,” I called to both of them playing with Trevor and Trenton. Nicholas walked toward me right away with Dasher right by his feet. I had to coax Tadpole with a Slim Jim. He wanted to wait until the snow fell on our second place tree. It had just started again, and at the rate it was falling, it would be covered in an hour.

As soon as both boys were bathed, I turned on cartoons and made hotdogs and Easy Mac. Couldn’t go wrong there. I left them in front of the cozy fire in the oversized beanbag chairs and prepared their supper.

Damn, I missed Morgan. I didn’t know if I would make it ten days. What if she really didn’t come back to me? What if she was serious about all of that? I didn’t understand how the tables got turned. I was the one who should have been mad, not her. I would never even think of doing something like that. But now, she was the one wanting out. Did she really want out? The snow covered the deck in no time and the thoughts of my wife covered my mind just as quickly. I missed her. I wanted her.

“Tadpole!” Nicholas screamed. I walked down the one step and pulled his naked butt off the dog.

“What are you doing? Get your jammies on,” I ordered, picking up the warm PJs from his beanbag chair that he never put on.

“I a wrestler, see,” he said showing me his puny little arms.

He may not have been a wrestler, but he sure was a cute little thing. “You can’t wrestle Dasher. He’s dog. Put your clothes on.”

“When my mommy come home?”

“Mommy has to come home for bedtime, right Dad,” Nicholas chimed in. Great. I picked up the warm pajamas and commenced to dressing Tadpole myself.

“A few more days. I’ll take you to see her on Tuesday.”

“How many days is that?” Tad asked, pushing his foot into his Spiderman pajamas.

“Today’s Saturday. How many days is it?” I asked whoever wanted to answer.

“Seven!” Tadpole called.

“No, it’s not, Tad. It’s on three. I don’t want her to stay there for three more days. Let’s go get her, Dad,” Nicky suggested.

“We can’t, buddy. We have to wait until Mommy’s all better. Come on, let’s eat. Nicole sent home a jar of her applesauce you like,” I added, hoping to get off the mommy subject. It didn’t work. Mommy warmed the applesauce up in a pan first. Mommy didn’t make them eat the bun. Mommy didn’t cut Tadpoles hot dog like that. Blah, blah, blah. Sigh.

This was only the second night and they wanted their mommy. How was I supposed to do this alone? Why would I ever want to? The missing mommy charade continued until both their eyes were closed. Of course, I let them go to my bed with the dog. I turned on the television and we watched Rudolph. That helped until Tadpole had to pee.

“No, Tad. You have to go potty down the hall. Mine’s not working.”

“That’s because Mommy fell through the glass. Right?” Nicky asked with no expression. None. He didn’t look sad or frightened, but thanks to John, I knew he was. He just didn’t know how to show me.

“Come here, buddy,” I said, pulling him to my lap while Tadpole ran down the hall. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know what to say to him like Morgan did. Morgan always knew what to say.

“Mommy’s going to come here tomorrow.”

I didn’t even try. I was just going to have to explain it again in the morning. Tadpole saved me by flying into the room naked from the waist down. Why he did that I would never understand. Why did he think he had to remove every piece of clothing to sit on the toilet?

Once he was dressed again, I settled into my routine and sat in front of the fire. Dasher joined me once the boys were finally asleep and once again, I fell asleep sitting up. Morgan woke me a couple hours later, only I wasn’t here.

She looked so young then. She was so pretty. I was in Atlanta, trying to scarf up a failing jewelry store when I flipped on my laptop to see what she was doing. My stressful day of meetings was instantly erased when I watched her slide down the hall in her socks. No wonder my boy’s acted like they did. I laughed again, watching her skate to her ringing phone in her socks.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Um, what do you think I am doing? I’m trapped down in this rabbit hole.”

She always did that on the phone when I was a million miles away from her. “You know if I was there, I’d bend you over my knee and beat your ass, don’t you?”

“Of course I know that. You’re going to do it anyway. Was there something you wanted? Can I help you with something?”

“Yeah, you can show me your pussy. I’ve had a long day.” I smiled, watching her roll her eyes.

“Where? Which camera?”

I’m sure I repositioned my cock in my sleep. My eyes watched my young wife pleasure herself through a security camera. I think the throbbing in my dick was what woke me. The flickering fire replaced Morgan’s lustful expression, but nothing was replacing this hard-on.

I opened the bathroom door with the broken shower door and stepped around the glass. John had a guy coming to take care of it on Monday, but I supposed I should clean it up. I made a mental note to do that when the boys laid down for their afternoon nap.

My dominate right hand slid past the elastic on my sweats and to my aching cock. Fuck, I was hard. I stroked it a couple times before sliding my pants down a little. It didn’t take long at all. My mind instantly went back to that time when Morgan did everything I told her to do, and I beat off, thinking about my hand splattering handprints across her ass. I closed my eyes and spewed into her imaginary lips while I coated the palm of my own hand.

Once everything was back to its normal size, I closed the door and crawled in bed beside Nicholas. He sat up, looked at me, looked around for his dog and laid down. I smiled and rubbed his back. God I missed his mommy.

The first three days were the worst. On top of the withdrawals was Nicky and Tad. God, I missed them so much. It bothered me a lot wondering what they thought was going on, what Drew had told them, and what was going through their little minds when I wasn’t there to tuck them in at bedtime. That’s when it was the worst. I hated it once I was alone in my room.

The facility was nice and homey, unlike the hospital room. I had books, a comfortable chair, and my diet wasn’t as restricted as some of the other women there. I suppose I’m one of the lucky ones. I never made it to the point of shooting it in my veins like a lot of these other girls. Not that I wouldn’t have gotten there. I think I eventually would have had I not had this intervention.

The girl from the group, Carlie, was really having a hard time. I felt horrible for her. Heroine was far worse than opiates. Carlie wasn’t even in the dining room that night. She’s really the only one I had talked to there, and that was only because we arrived at the same time. I guess we bonded a little. Carlie had a seven-year-old little girl. She and I sat in admissions together and shared photos of our babies, and then we cried. So yeah, I would say we bonded a little.

I knew she was in bad shape when I walked past her room after a stampede of nurses ran to her room. They were trying to hold her down and strap her arms and legs down. Five people stood around her, trying to gain control of her flailing body. One of the male nurses kicked the door closed when he saw me watching. I walked down to her room a little later and she was asleep, hooked to an I.V.

Drawing a heart on my steamed window, I watched the white blanket of snow, quickly cover the green grass. Twinkling lights kept perfect rhythm with the music, playing softly behind me.

‘It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go’

“Yeah, an Underestimated Christmas,” I said aloud to the vacant room.

I spelled out Nicky, Tadpole, and Drew and then watched the watery lines run down the window when I ran my finger through Drew’s name.

It was almost ten. They were sound asleep by now. Were they in their own beds or were they in bed with Drew? I always let them sleep with me when Drew wasn’t there. I thought about the clothes that should have arrived and wondered if Drew washed them first. I hoped he did. Nicky always broke out around his neck if you didn’t wash them first. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it two more days to see them. I was ready to check myself out.

“You okay?” one of the nurses said from the door.

“Yeah, just thinking. How’s Carlie doing?”

“She’s leaving.”

“What? Why? Can she do that?”

“Afraid so.”

“Maybe I can talk to her.”

“Would you? Do you mind?”

“No not at all,” I assured her, following her out.

“Hey, you bailing on me?” I asked, sitting on a chair while the I.V. was being pulled from her arm.

“Yeah, I can’t do this. I miss my kid, you know?” she said, using her kid as a crutch to get out of here.

“Yeah, me too, but it’s almost another day. We almost have four days under our belt. One more and we’re half way there,” I explained.

“I’m not like you, Morgan. You’re a lot stronger than me and you’re not coming off of heroine. You don’t know what it’s like. I will do better being around Carol.”

“No, you won’t. You’ll do better staying right here and going home to her healthy.” I picked up Carlie’s hand and placed it over her heart. “You feel that? That’s your proof of purpose. Don’t tell me you don’t have a purpose. She’s waiting for you to come home and celebrate Christmas with her.”

Carlie dropped her hand and cried. “It’s so hard,” she sobbed. I sat on her bed and placed my arm around her shoulders.

“It is hard. It’s hard as hell, but you know what? It doesn’t matter because we’re harder, we’re stronger, and we’re meaner. This isn’t going to bring us down. We’re walking out of here in a few days to a new life, a new beginning. You understand me? We’re walking out of here together sober. Got it?” I asked, holding my pinky to her. We wrapped pinkies and Carlie nodded, agreeing she would stay.

“Guess you didn’t need me after all,” Nicole said from the door.

“I’m sorry. Did they make you come here for me?” Carlie asked, apologizing for making Nicole leave her family on a Sunday night.

“It’s fine, and no they didn’t. I called in to check on a patient. Her husband wouldn’t stop blowing up my phone until I did,” Nicole explained. I smiled, knowing exactly who it was. Nicole sat at the round table and crossed her legs. “What’s going on? Tell me what you were thinking about when you felt like you were going to snap,” she coaxed.

“I can go,” I offered standing.

“No, stay,” Carlie begged. Nicole thanked the lady who wheeled in the cart of coffee and doughnuts.

“It’s almost eleven o’clock,” I unnecessarily announced.

The three of us sat around the table and ate junk food and drank coffee until two in the morning. A lot of things were said that night. I told them both things about Drew and me that I never told anyone else. Carlie also lived with an abusive husband, but unlike Drew, he was still that way.

“They don’t change, Carlie. You need to take Carol and get out of there,” Nicole pleaded. My eyes shifted to my hands. “What?” she questioned my gesture.

“Nothing, just that Drew changed. He would never hit me in the face now.”

“Yeah, Markus doesn’t do that anymore, either,” Carlie assured me with a bit of an attitude.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. Drew doesn’t hit me at all other than, you know,” I replied, trying to get my foot out of my mouth.

“No, we don’t know.” Carlie coaxed with a nod and raised eyebrows.

“I’m not spelling it out. Drew is doing business with Nicole’s partner. I can’t tell her that stuff.”

“Morgan, does Drew punish you?” Nicole asked concerned.

“What? No. It’s nothing like that. I like it. I want it,” I said, trying to shake the stupid off my hands. Geesh. Being sober made me ignorant.

Nicole and Carlie laughed and I buried my red face. “I hate both of you,” I assured them from behind my hands.

“Morgan’s not the prim and proper little housewife I pegged her to be at all,” Carlie joked.

“Shut up.”

“I bet you’ve even stolen batteries from the remote for all your toys,” Carlie teased.

“No, we’ve only ran out once and we took them from our son’s toy, but in my defense they were going to disappear before he woke anyway. Drew makes sure we don’t run out now,” I countered. Drew would kill me if he knew I was talking about this.

The chest of toys made me wonder who got them in a divorce. I mean, what did couples do with vibrating dildo’s if they split? You couldn’t really use them with someone else.

I told Nicole not to come back for my eight a.m. session, assuring her this was better therapy than I’d had in a long time. It felt good to talk to Carlie and Nicole, and I already had a mental plan going on inside of my head to help Carlie.

When I sat with Carlie the next day at lunch I felt like that bond was a little stronger. I wanted to help.

“Where’s your Carol right now, Carlie,” I asked, looking down to my two hardboiled eggs. I started to complain until I saw Carlie’s slimy green juice. I’d take the high in protein eggs.

“She’s with Markus’s grandmother. She’s the one paying for this place for me.”

“Really? Where’s your family?”

“They’re in Raleigh, North Carolina. I don’t really talk to them, not since I left after getting pregnant with Carol. Markus got hired as a contractor here. That’s why we moved to Buffalo.”

“I have a house in Rodanthe,” I explained, and then wish I hadn’t. Up until that point, I was just like her. It felt good, and I didn’t want to be judged.

“I knew you had money,” she teased. “I could tell by the way you carry yourself.”

“Shut up, you could not.”

“Oh, yes I could. You’ve either had it shoved in your ass one too many times, or you’ve been conditioned to walk like your shit don’t stink.”

Hmmm. Let it go Morgan…

“Where is Markus? Why isn’t he with your daughter?”

“She’s not his. He wouldn’t take care of her. Besides, I wouldn’t leave her with him for one day anyway.”

“Maybe it’s time to talk to your folks, Carlie. My mom did some pretty shitty things to me when I was growing up, too, but I talk to her, I’ve forgiven her. You have to, Carlie. It’ll eat at you like crazy if you don’t.”

“Okay, now you’re starting to worry me. You trying to take my job?” Nicole teased, sitting with us. “You guys got me in trouble for the doughnuts.”

“Good morning. Did you see my boys? Did you tell them I loved them? Did you take a picture?”

“Yes. Yes. Yes. Geesh, hang on,” Nicole said, retrieving her phone. “He’s supposed to be an angel,” Nicole explained, showing me Tadpole holding two wings at the end of his hands. “He didn’t want to be an angel. He wanted to be T-Rex.”

“A T-Rex doesn’t fly,” I smiled a mouth-hurting smile, thinking about Tadpole insisting he was a T-Rex.

“Super-power T-Rex does,” Nicole assured me, sliding out of her coat.

I swiped my finger across her phone to see my big boy Nicky. He was on his knees with his eyes squinted. Dasher’s paw’s rested on his chest and he licked his face.

“Oh, my god. That’s freaking adorable. Look at this, Carlie,” I said, showing her the photo. “You’re sending these to my phone, right?” I asked. I couldn’t wait to get it back.

“Yes, now let’s get back to therapy. I have to be back at the barn this afternoon.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, knowing I was missing it all.

“We’re making Christmas cards for Mommy and Daddy. Now, funny you should mention your mother. That’s what we were going to discuss today. Who wants to start?”

Carlie went first and we listened to how she was always close with her parents but mostly her mom. It wasn’t until her senior year of high school that things got crazy. Typical teenage stuff, drinking, smoking weed, sex—well, for most girls, anyway. Not me. My mind focused more on that while Carlie talked about her middle-class upbringing.

I didn’t get to do a lot of things most girls did. I skipped my fun years to be a sex slave for Drew while he fucked someone else for half our marriage. Wait. Wasn’t I just telling Carlie she had to forgive? I’m sure Carlie wasn’t treated the way I was, though. Was I still holding on to that? Maybe it was knowing I never had that chance. The most freedom I ever had was the two years I was Rylie Murphy. I was too afraid to do anything then, until Dawson, anyway.

Dawson and I wouldn’t be having these problems. I was sure of that. Dawson and I would never argue, let alone in front of our children. Hindsight. But it still made me wonder what he was doing, how his little girl was, and whether or not he and Loren worked things out.

“And you said you’re close with your mom now, Morgan?” Nicole asked, pulling me from my Dawson thoughts.

“No, I mean, sort of. We talk, I just don’t talk to her like I would like to.”

“Tell me why?”

I shrugged both my shoulders. “I don’t want to.”

“I thought you said you’ve forgiven her,” Carlie questioned.

“Oh, I have. I’m extremely happy she found Jason and she had Caroline. She got her second chance and she’s an amazing mother and wife now. That doesn’t change the fact that my little brother and I were the ones to suffer for that second chance. I have forgiven her, I love her and I am happy she’s happy. I don’t want to be her friend. I’m here if she ever needs anything and I know the street goes both ways, but I’m fine with it left right there.”

“That doesn’t feel like forgiveness to me. I think you’re holding a lot back that you haven’t told her. You’re angry that she was so able to pick up and start over without you. Where’s your brother? Do you talk to him?”

“Yes, on occasion. He was adopted to a very nice family right before I married Drew. He’s going to school to be an engineer. The last email I got from him said he was dating a very nice girl and he thought he was in love,” I explained, smiling. The Justin topic was easier than my mother topic.

“Tell me what you’re angry at your mother for,” Nicole coaxed, glancing at me over the brim of her cup. Her eyes were very pretty, a dark green color, like pine maybe. I wondered what my hair would look like short like that. Drew would kill me, but I liked the short, choppy look. It looked easy.

“I’m not angry,” I said after my observation of her eyes and shoulder length dark hair.

“Okay. Give me an example of something she has done in the past to make you angry.”

“She probably didn’t get to pick out her boarding school,” Carlie teased.

“Actually, I grew up in the mountains in West Virginia. A poor coal town in a mobile home not fit to live in. My mother was a drunk slut and had two children that neither of them belonged to her husband. Actually, I took care of an infant baby when I was too young to take care of myself,” I spewed at Carlie. I watched Nicole slide her hand under the table and knew it went right to Carlie’s leg, telling her not to talk. I didn’t stop. I just kept going and going, explaining who I was in some sort of angry blabber.

Minutes passed with me throwing it all out there. Right there on the table for two strangers. What the hell was wrong with me? By the time I was finished rambling on and on about the things my mother had done to Justin and me as kids, I was angry. I was pissed.

“Drew didn’t buy me. My mother sold me,” I said, standing and storming out.

“Morgan,” Nicole called after me. My feet took long strides and I didn’t turn back, not until she caught up to me in the hall.

“I want to leave. I don’t want to be here anymore,” I exclaimed, jerking my arm.

“And go where, Morgan? You could go running back to Drew. He’s weaker than you think he is. He told me he gave you pills because he couldn’t stand to see you wanting them. He’ll enable you. Is that what you want? You just did exactly what I wanted you to do. Are you done? If not, lay it on me. Get it out right now, because it’s time for you let that go and move on. Stop carrying that weight. It’s too heavy for you.”

That pissed me off. She had no clue and she didn’t know me. “You know nothing about the weight I’ve carried on these shoulders. No clue, lady!” I yelled.

“Oh I think I do. And I think you do, too, but guess what, Morgan? You’re not that eighteen-year-old girl anymore. All this anger, this victim mentality, and your inability to see that your attitude is your biggest problem…that’s what is standing between you and everything you want. You didn’t become a drug addict because your mother sabotaged your life. You didn’t become a junkie because Drew did things without you.

“When was the last time you sat down and asked him, ‘hey, Drew, what did you do today?’” Nicole simulated with a pretend Morgan voice.

“Drew doesn’t work that way. I’m not allowed to know Drew’s business. That’s his job. He would never let me pick up his phone and go through it like he does mine. He would never let me see where our money was, or know what we have going out every month. You don’t know Drew,” I assured her.

“When was the last time you tried? Have you ever said, ‘hey Drew, can I look through your phone?’ Have you ever said that?”

I snorted. Like I would ever do that with Drew.

“No, you haven’t. So how can you sit here and tell me Drew keeps you from anything. One of the biggest things you’re going to learn from Nicholas is meaning what you say. You have to say what you mean, and mean what you say.”

“So you’re saying just deny my past and forget it, right?”

“No. I’m not saying deny your past. I’m saying don’t live there, Morgan. You’re about to make a very big decision based on your inner beliefs. Your intoxicated and poisonous beliefs. Get them clean and then rehash it. Don’t make any decisions on a whim.”

“You didn’t bring them, did you?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“Yes, but I’m asking you to at least wait until after the holidays.”

Nicole handed me the real estate papers from a house four miles from Drew. I could walk that in the summer. Turns out, the guy that Dasher came from was selling his house. The son knew his dad wasn’t coming back home and was eager to sell.

I walked away with the listing papers, ending this session before I checked myself out.

I was a nervous wreck all morning. I felt like it had been months since I had talked to her. What was I supposed to say to her?

“Come on, get your shoes on, Nicky. You want to go see Mommy don’t you?”

“Well, this shirt’s all itchy,” he complained, fidgeting.

“It’s fine. Let’s go.”

“How many minutes, Daddy?” Tadpole asked. I licked my thumb and wiped the strawberry jelly from his face.

“About one hour,” I replied, dreading the sixty minutes of the time game.

“I don’t think Dasher likes to stay home alone,” Nicholas complained when I went around to fasten him in, too.

“I think he does. I bet he’s already on your beanbag, closing his eyes,” I said, trying to soothe his worries. I didn’t need a meltdown right now. I was having a hard enough time not having one myself.

“What if he wants me? He won’t know where I went. He might think I’m not coming back like Mommy. We better take him, okay, Dad?” Nicholas wagered. I adjusted the heat for the back and backed out. What the hell do you say to that?

“Remind me when we get home and we’ll look up some stuff about dogs being home. You don’t see people with their dogs unless there at the park, do you?” I questioned, looking at him through the rearview mirror as I backed up. His eyes went to the ceiling while he processed what I was saying.

“Well, sometimes I do.”

“Yeah, but you don’t see people bringing their dogs to work.”

“Yes I do. The policeman have a dog at work.”

Smarty pants. “But the dog is working, too. I mean like in restaurants or the mall.”

“Mommy hate a mall,” Tadpole said, kicking the back of the seat.

“Stop doing that. Mommy doesn’t hate the mall.”

“Her do, too,” Tadpole sang in a silly voice. I waited to see if he was specifically talking about something, but he wasn’t. He had already moved on to the crane being hauled down the road on the back of a semi. He wanted to follow it and see where it was going.

Nicole met us downstairs in a very nice lobby. I guess I wasn’t expecting it to look like a five star resort. It wasn’t anything like the hospital I’d left her in at all. No wonder she wasn’t going crazy without the boys. She was getting massages and being treated like a princess.

“You okay?” she asked. I wasn’t sure if it was a greeting, or if the apprehension of seeing her was showing in my expression.

“I push the button,” tadpole said.

“Number two,” Nicole told him. He pushed G, one, two, three, and four. Thanks to Tadpole, the anticipation was prolonged while we rode to the ground floor, stopped, let someone in, stopped on the first floor to let him out, and then finally to the second floor where Morgan would be waiting in the dining room.

“Drew, hang on,” Nicole said, holding my arms while the boys walked in front of her. “Why don’t you go find something to do for an hour or so?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, not understanding.

“She only wants to see the boys. They’re going to have lunch with her and then you can pick them up.”

“Why?”

“Drew, you need to give her some time. She’s dealing with a lot right now.”

“Something other than what I know about?” I questioned.

“Hang tight and I’ll go have a cup of coffee with you downstairs.”

I watched Nicole walk the boys down a wide hall covered in burgundy carpet toward a very elegant dining room. I followed, needing one glance. If she would just look at me I could tell her with my eyes.

I stood to the side and glanced in the etched glass window. Morgan dropped to her knees and hugged them both tight. Tadpole was bouncing up and down with excitement. Morgan never looked at me. She took their hands and led them to a table with a girl about her age and a little girl.

“I told you stay away for a minute. You’re as hardheaded as my aspie. Don’t tell him I said that,” she ordered, turning back to glare at me with a straight finger and narrowed eyes.

“She looks nice. She has new clothes,” I stated. Morgan was wearing tight jeans with a white button up shirt tucked inside. The brown leather belt wrapped around her waist told me something else I hadn’t noticed. She’d lost weight. She looked hot with the brown leather boots going all the way to her knees. I liked Morgan in winter clothes. She was sexy as hell.

“Yeah, it’ll be on your bill,” Nicole assured me.

“Okay, tell me what’s going on. What’s she saying?”

Nicole took a folder from her briefcase. What the fuck? “She wants you to pay for this house. She’s already got an approved bid, she just needs you to take care of the finances until you figure out how to divide them.”

“No. Why would she say that? That’s not what she wants. I just need to talk to her,” I demanded, trying to convince myself more than her.

“I’m just the messenger, but I can’t let you go back there if she doesn’t want to see you. You’re just going to have to give her some space, Drew. Let her figure all this out on her own.”

“Does she have her phone now?” I asked, remembering the five day rule.

“Don’t, Drew,” Nicole tried with useless words to stop me.

Drew—Can I have five minutes? Please.

I waited for ten minutes and texted again.

Drew—I know you have your phone. Nicole told me.

Morgan—Just stop, Drew. I need for you to back off and let me work this out on my own. Can you understand that? For the first time in my life, can I decide what I think is best for me?

Drew—Yes, I’ll give you that if you give me five minutes.

Morgan—Fine, but I don’t want to.

Her voice ran through my head of her saying that and I smiled. I could practically hear her whiny, pouty tone.

I paced the floor while Nicole and I talked. She told me things I wasn’t aware of, things Morgan never talked about.

“She holds a lot of anger from her past.”

“Which past?” I asked, “Hers before me, or hers with me?”

“Both. Did you know she never wanted to buy a beach house close to her mother?”

“Yes she did. She went there a lot when she was pregnant with Nicky. She stayed with her for over a month when she found her.”

“She was rebuilding a relationship that she never had. She thought she needed to mend a broken fence in order to move on. She wasn’t expecting to find her mother happy, doing so well without her or Justin. She thought she needed a healthy relationship with her mother, but she quickly learned that it was more toxic than good. She couldn’t get past the neglect she felt from this imposter, pretending to be her mother. Did you know she sometimes ate popcorn for supper, because nobody came home to feed her?”

I nodded my head. I didn’t know Morgan held this much hurt and anger toward her mother.

“That’s why she was so eager to move to California when you bought a store there,” Nicole explained.

“She wasn’t eager to go there. She fought me tooth and nail.”

“No, she fought you because you did it without consulting her. She was planning on talking to you about moving away. She’d been doing a bunch of research on a cotton plantation outside of Savanna Georgia. She was planning on talking you into buying it and restoring the house back to its original history. She had it all planed out, you guys were going to plan every room together, make it a home for the first time ever, something you both did together.”

“She never told me. How was I supposed to know?” Fuck. I would have done that with Morgan in a heartbeat.

“You changed her plans. I think you’ve done that a lot in this marriage, haven’t you, Drew?” Nicole accused.

“Probably,” I admitted.

“Give her time, Drew. Let her make this decision on her own.”

Morgan crossed her arms at the end of the hall when she saw me. Tadpole sprinted toward me and Nicholas stood beside her. I caught Tadpole midair when he leaped into my arms.

“I eat chicken nuggets,” he informed me. I smiled, but not really at him. Morgan took Nicky’s hand and tried not to see me. She tried to look away, but her eyes locked with mine.

“Who wants to go see if we can find some ice cream?” Nicole asked, catching Tadpole the same way I had to. You either caught him or let him hit the floor, which he had a few times. Nicholas hesitated. He wanted the ice cream, he just didn’t want to leave his mommy.

“I’m going to be right here when you get back. I promise,” Morgan assured him. Nicholas nodded and followed Nicole out.

“Hi,” I spoke first.

“Hey,” she reservedly replied.

“You look nice.”

“Thanks, what do you want, Drew? I can’t do this with you right now.”

“Morgan, please don’t do this.”

“You don’t do this, Drew. Don’t you think we’ve been through enough? Maybe it’s time we stop trying. What’s so wrong with that? People do it every day. Just because we don’t live together doesn’t mean we can’t be good parents.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? I would have followed you to end of the earth.”

“When was I going to tell you, right after you told me you just bought a house and a store?”

“I’m sorry, love. I’m an ass, but we don’t have to split up our family because of it. I’m always going to be an ass, but I’m never going to stop loving you. You want to move to Savannah Georgia and remodel a house, I’ll do that with you. Let’s go.”

“I don’t want to do that now. I want to stay here. I like it here.”

“Then let’s stay here. You’re not, I mean, I don’t want you to buy a house. You have a house. You even said yourself you loved the house.”

“How’s Nicky?” Morgan asked without asking. I knew she was speaking of the nightmare he witnessed with the glass, the blood, and then the ambulance. She didn’t ask it that way, though. She didn’t have to. That’s why we belonged together. I knew what she was thinking.

“He’s fine, Morgan. I didn’t let him back in there until the glass was cleaned up and the new doors were hung. Don’t worry about Nicholas, worry about us. Come home to us, love. Please,” I begged.

“There are thing in my life I need to deal with, Drew. Things I’m tired of putting on the back burner.”

“Bullshit. That’s bullshit and you know it, Morgan. I may be guilty of a lot of things, but holding on to the past isn’t one of them.”

“Yeah, because you weren’t the one on the receiving end. You weren’t the one freezing in a trailer while your baby brother cried for food and heat you didn’t have. You weren’t the one sold to be whatever you wanted me to be. Let me deal with it my way, Drew. I just need to deal with it.”

“You know what, Morgan. My life hasn’t been a bed of roses either, and even though you might have a very good reason to be internally pissed off with the cards you were dealt, fine, be pissed off, but let it go anyway. It’s not about what your mother deserves. It’s not about what I deserve. It’s about what you deserve. If you want to destroy our family because you want to be a chronic blamer, then go ahead. You hang on to that hurt no matter what. Go buy this house, and move out, but hang on to the past, hang on to that hurt no matter what.” I said in my quiet, yelling voice. I couldn’t help it. Sometimes she made no sense to me. Why would you want to keep digging up the same bones over and over?

“Morgan, baby, I can’t take anything back. I can’t take one second of it back. I would in a heartbeat if I could and you know I would.”

“I have to, Drew,” Morgan said, looking to her feet.

“All right. I’ll get the information from Nicole,” I offered, giving up. What else could I do? I couldn’t force her.

“Just like that, huh? Thanks for fighting for me, Drew. I’m going to say goodbye to the boys.”

“Morgan,” I called, defeated. She walked away, back to the dining room with the boys.

Getting the boys away from her was horrible. They both cried for her to come home with them. As soon as she started crying, I took them and made them leave. I couldn’t take seeing all of them crying at once. Lord help me. I bribed them with Slim Jims once we were in the car, and reminded Nicholas that Dasher was home waiting on him.

“Why did you take your sweatshirt off?” I asked Nicholas, talking about anything that would distract him from his mother. Tadpole was easy. I could say “squirrel” and he would forget he ever had a mom. Nicholas wouldn’t let it go.

“You didn’t wash it first. Mommy took it off me. She said you have to wash new clothes first. Don’t you know that, Daddy?”

“No, buddy, I guess I didn’t. I’ll be sure not to let it happen again.

How the hell was I supposed to explain to him that his mom was going to live in a different house? He would never understand it. Never. Morgan could do it. She wanted this. She was doing this to us, not me. She could get him to understand.

“Where are the boys? Drew! Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re picking me up without the boys.” I was so mad at him and I knew what he was trying to do. I bet he even lied about taking care of the finance part of this house for me.

“You’ll see them tonight.”

“What? No. I want to see them now,” I protested. Hell no. Fuck no. He was crazy if he thought I was going to go off on some romantic date with him. It wasn’t even noon yet. I wanted my kids, not Drew fucking Kelley.

“Yes. We have something to take care of first.”

“No we don’t. Like what?”

“You’ll see.”

“You lied. You said you would pick me up, take me to my new house, and let me keep the boys. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you. I knew you couldn’t do all that in five days. You probably didn’t even get the house for me, did you, Drew?” I couldn’t believe he was doing this. I spent the entire night before talking to Carlie about my fears while I listened to hers. I was sure we would always remain friends.

“I never lie. I may not tell you everything, love, but I don’t lie,” Drew sang shaking one finger in the air while driving us to who knew the hell where. “And, I think you already know that I can do anything in five days. It only takes resources and money. It just so happens I have both.”

“You’re ridiculous. I’m supposed to be stress free. I’m not supposed to be dealing with stress right now. Do you care, Drew?” I yelled. Un-fucking-believable.

“Oh, it’s okay, love. You’re therapist knows I’m kidnapping you for the night. She thought it was a wonderful idea.”

“I’m calling her,” I said, taking my phone from my purse. Drew took it out of my hand.

“You’re stressing yourself out. Stop it. I’ll have you home later tonight. Right now we’re going to take care of a couple things.”

“I hate you. You know that, right?” I pouted, crossing my arms. He laughed. Ugh. I wanted to stab him in his face.

“Drew,” I desperately protested when I realized we were heading right to the jet.

“You promised to trust me until Christmas. I have ten more days. This is still my day. It’s a quick flight. Stop whining.

I didn’t stop whining. This was bullshit. I had my day planed out. I was going to decorate a tree in my new living room with my two favorite people. My own living room, not Drew’s. My complaining continued the whole time, walking to the stupid plane, climbing the stupid steps I was being forced to climb, and through the entire flight.

Drew was an ass the entire time. He didn’t give two shits about my feelings. Not once did he even say, I am proud of you. That would have meant more than all this. “I really do hate you,” I said for at least the tenth time since I foolishly got in the car with him. Just call me Drew’s fool. Ugh. I did hate him.

“Did I tell you how nice your ass looks in those jeans?”

“Oh my god. I’m jumping,” I said, standing. Drew laughed and pulled me back to the seat beside him. I had to move my hand to keep him from holding on to it.

The airport didn’t really look familiar, but I knew we were in the air for less than an hour. I tried to pinpoint where we were going by the landmarks below. It wasn’t the city like I was expecting. There were a lot of fields and open land.

“Drew, what are we doing here?” I asked, knowing exactly where we were.

“Wait,” Drew whispered, losing his smart tone. His expression was a mixture between worried and serious. What the hell was going on?

Of course Drew had a car already there and waiting. “Drew, please tell me what we’re doing here. I don’t want to be here. This is why things are never going to be okay between us. You always do this stuff, Drew. You can’t just go through life making all my decisions for me,” I pleaded, trying to get through his thick skull. My eyes looked around at the familiar yet unfamiliar town.

A Sprint store was in the place of Martin’s Drugs and a new Walmart sat where the VFW once resided. The truck stop where I waited in the cold while my mother entertained a bypassing trucker was closed down, decaying with time.

“I don’t understand, Drew.” I confessed, feeling emotions from my hometown that I didn’t comprehend. He was a freaking idiot. I literally just walked out of a drug rehab. What the hell was he thinking? I knew exactly where we were going when we started down the old holler. My old neighborhood hadn’t changed much. The mine where most of the coal town worked was fenced in with danger and warning signs. The Barkley’s put a new mobile home in the place of their old one, if they still lived there.

“Drew?” I questioned again, seeing my mother stepping out of a car in our old driveway. “What the hell are you doing?” He didn’t answer but his expression held the worried look. He got out and opened my door.

My mother hugged me, meeting me at my door. “Morgan, I am so sorry.”

“Sorry for what? Drew, what did you do?” I accused, turning to him. This couldn’t be good for me nor my mother. What good would it do me to tell my mother how much I hated her for leaving me in this dump to fend for myself? I wasn’t out to hurt her. I merely stated that I needed to face my past.

She let go and held my arms. Burr. It was freezing in West Virginia, worse than New York, I thought.

“I scored a couple guns. Do you remember, James Barkley? They put the new trailer in back the road a little. He let me borrow them. You ever shoot a gun?”

“What?” She did say guns, didn’t she?

“Here, Drew. You better help her,” my mom suggested, handing Drew a hand gun. I watched the charade unfolding in front of my eyes. This wasn’t real life. My mother took her own borrowed handgun and held it with straight arms. The shot was louder than I was expecting and I jumped. The glass breaking in the small kitchen window shattered.

“Nice shot,” Drew said, wrapping his arms around me.

“I can shoot a gun. I shot Derik,” I reminded him in a rasp. Why the hell did he have so much control over me? We had several layers of winter clothes between us and I still melted in his arms.

“You suck. He’s still breathing,” Drew reminded, spilling hot words to my ear.

“I know this place isn’t the problem,” my mother said after I shot the front door, splintering the frozen, rotten wood. That was the heart of that house. I was making sure it wasn’t still breathing. “It took Drew calling me to realize I was still holding on, too. I’m so sorry, Morgan.”

“You did apologize. What do you mean?” I asked.

“Shoot again,” Drew said, keeping my arms straight with his. I chose the wall where I knew the old wood burner used to sit. I hated that thing. It was never enough to keep the drafty trailer warm. Poor little Justin was always sick and I was the one left to take care of him.

My mother shot again, too. Hers went through her old bedroom window. “I have never talked to you about this, because it was too hard for me. I was stupid to think I could give you some half ass apology and be okay with it. I’m not going to make this about me, it’s not. I just want you to know there hasn’t been one passing day that I haven’t remembered and regretted something that I did to you and Justin. Not one, Morgan.”

My tears fell while I emptied my gun into the condemned trailer. I’m not even one hundred percent sure I heard what she was saying. I did forgive her. I didn’t blame her. She did what she was conditioned to do. Just like me, my mother did what her environment allowed her to do. I learned early on how to submit to Drew’s every need, and my mother learned early on how to follow in the footsteps of the rest of this poor town.

There was no doubt in my mind that she would have never taken the money and ran had she known he was going to hurt me. I knew she wouldn’t. By the time we’d unloaded three rounds of ammo, the house was full of bullet holes.

“Come on,” Drew said taking my cold, ungloved hand with his. Now what...? “Here,” he offered, handing me one of those silver lighters with the hinged lid.

“What?” I asked puzzled.

“Light it. The gas is already on it.”

I looked back to my mom and she nodded. The sound of the striker against the flint was deafening, but the loud wooooof, from the flame was louder. Drew pulled me back a little and we watched the trailer being engulfed in flames. The heat I felt on my face was immediate.

“Can you let it go now, Morgan? No matter how much you think everyone deserves your anger, vitriol venom, and your resentment, I’m here to tell you it serves no positive purpose. You’re only hurting yourself, so stop being a baby. You and only you are responsible for your reality. Not me, not your mom, and not your past. It’s up to you to let it go and leave it here.

“It’s gone, it’s up in flames. Nobody can change the past. It’s a pointless, destructive, pathetic waste of your potential and emotional energy. You’re wasting your life because of things your mother nor I can change. I’m going to be okay, Morgan. Your mother is going to be okay. You can hold on to this for the rest of your life, but we’re going to be okay, because we have families that depend on our happiness. I’m not going to live back there and let it destroy me from the inside out like you’ve let happen to you.

“You seem to forget I was abused by a man of great power for a good many years. My life sucked and then I made yours suck. I’m sorry. I bet your mother grew up in a bad situation, too. We all come from somewhere, Morgan. And if you’re not careful, you’re going to waste away a lonely old woman. You’ll die being an angry, bitter, resentful, tortured soul, and I’m not going to stay around and watch it. I’m going to go raise two happy, healthy boys, and I want nothing more than to do that with you, but not like this.

“This is history and you never have to think about it again, not unless you want to. Stop with the self-perpetuating past and let’s be happy, Morgan, please.”

Wow. As much of an ass that Drew was, he really did care. He arranged all of this for me, to help me.

Or maybe not…

“Come on, let’s get out of here before we go to jail,” Drew said, pulling my hand.

“I’ll call you later, Morgan. I love you.”

“I love you, too, thanks for being here, Mom,” I said, hugging her goodbye.

“Let’s go, let’s go,” Drew coaxed, waving his hand to the opened car door, the sirens growing closer.

“Drew, you really didn’t get this cleared with the county before you did it?” I questioned,

“No, I can’t do everything in five days,” he joked, stepping on the gas.

I wasn’t sure how I felt with our next stop. Although I hadn’t seen the house in person, I knew it was the one I wanted him to buy. I guess I was a little confused.

“Are you dropping me off?”

“No way. You still owe me ten days,” Drew said in his cocky, dominate Drew tone. “I’m kidding, Morgan. I’m just trying to make you happy. But, I did buy it as you wished. You can’t stay here yet. It’s not ready. The old man that lived here wasn’t much on updating. I have a contractor working on it. He said he could have it done by the first of the year. Right now, they’re only cleaning out junk and tearing shit up. You can come over and help them put it back together the way you want it.”

“Okay, Drew. I really just want to see the boys. Please,” I begged.

“Don’t you want to go inside?”

“No. I want to see Nicky and Tadpole. Like I’m ready to scream I want to see them so bad. Please take me home, I mean to see the boys,” I begged. Okay, I got the whole letting go thing, now just give me my kids already. UGH…

“Yes, come on.”

The five-minute drive seemed to take five hours. I wasn’t letting either of them go for the entire night. I was planning to hug them tight for hours, and if Drew insisted I sleep with him, they were going to be between us. That wasn’t quite the way things turned out.

“Aahhhh! What are you doing here?” I screamed.

“Oh, you know, just stopping by,” Alicia teased, hugged me, and got the hell out of the way when both boys yelled ‘Mommy!’ I dropped to the floor and hugged them, holding back the happy tears begging to be released.

Nothing was turning out as I planned. Alicia had been there for the past five days while Drew took care of things. He had all my things moved to the bedroom across from the library. What the hell? He had no intentions on me sleeping with him. Vincent didn’t get to come because of school, but Christina was there, as cute as always.

I actually had a great evening, except for Drew stepping out. Alicia and I made homemade pizza with the kids and then sat in front of the Christmas tree, soaking in the flames of the fire while the kids and Dasher piled around us on the beanbags.

“I love it, Morgan. I met Stacy and Nicole at the barn. I love them.”

“And we build a house, Mommy,” Tadpole explained, placing his hand on my cheek to get my attention.

“You did?”

“Uh-huh and me gonna be a eagle.”

“You’re an angel,” Christina corrected him. “There isn’t any eagles in the play, only angels.”

“Me is,” Tadpole assured her.

“You can be my angel,” I said, kissing his head.

The evening was fun, and it was nice to see Alicia and Christina. But I didn’t understand Drew or what he was doing. He hadn’t seen me in ten days, either. Didn’t he miss me? Didn’t he want to be home with me? Then again, he was doing what I wanted.

Christina was the first one out, well, besides Dasher. He was asleep, cuddled up to Nick’s neck while he, too, started to doze. Tadpole wasn’t sleepy. He was too busy being hyper to be sleepy. I yawned a couple times before insisting that Tadpole settle down.

It was almost ten at night and Drew still wasn’t home. I put the boys to bed in their own beds, only because I wanted to soak in my own hot bath and they were both being whiny. That was Alicia’s fault, she told me she didn’t make either of them take a nap. They played in the snow instead.

I curiously walked to the room that Drew and I once shared just to peek in the bathroom. Everything looked like it had before I decided to be a psycho idiot, except the etching on the shower door was a little different. Although the claw foot tub looked inviting, I didn’t bathe there. I chose the downstairs bathroom instead. I know I soaked in honey and almond scented bubbles for a good thirty minutes and Drew still wasn’t home.

I sat on the middle beanbag chair and watched the crackling fire, wondering where he could be. The thought of calling him crossed my mind several times, but did I have that right? I mean, I did just tell him we were bad at this and I wanted to quit. Did I still have the right to demand to know where he was? Of course I did. He was making me follow through with this whole Christmas in Happyland thing; I had a right to know where he was, too.

I groaned, seeing the zero bars on my cell phone and went to find the historic way of calling him, the cordless house phone, but he came home before I found it.

“You’re still awake,” Drew stumbled the obvious. Literally. He stumbled.

“And you’re drunk. You’re drinking and driving, Drew?” I asked a little pissed off. That was the thing that irritated the shit out of me about Drew. I hated his do as I say, not what I do mentality. I didn’t swallow that so well.

“Yeah, I guess I am a little. It’s one in the morning. Why are you still up?”

“Where were you?”

“Building a set.”

“A set?”

“Yeah, for the Christmas play. Hey, I meant to tell you, they’re having the annual Christmas party at the barn on Saturday. It’s formal. I didn’t know if you needed to get the boys new suits, or if you wanted a new dress.”

“Maybe. I’ll look online tomorrow. We need to sit down and order some presents for the boys if we’re planning on Santa delivering them on Christmas Eve,” I offered, watching Drew drop to the recliner in the front living room.

He toed off his shoes and blinked his eyes, trying to focus his eyes on me. “You’re very beautiful,” he said in the most serious tone he could have come up with. I chuckled a little.

“I’ll remind you about the presents again tomorrow when you’re sober.”

Drew pulled on my index finger, drawing me to his lap. Great. This is just what I needed to deal with. Why didn’t I go to bed before he got home?

“We’re not doing that,” he assured me, running his hand up my flannel covered leg.

“We’re not doing what?” I asked confused.

“I’m never going to stop loving you, you know that, right?”

“Will you stay on one subject?” I asked, feeling the chills run up my spine from the heat of his hands up the back of my shirt.

“We’re not buying presents online. We’re going shopping tomorrow as soon after we take Alicia and Christina back to the airport. Sole and John told me about this neat little town that takes Christmas shopping to a whole new level. It’s not far from the airport, about forty miles west, Sole said.”

“We have two kids. We can’t shop with the boys.”

“They have their own agenda tomorrow. They’re very busy these days,” he teased. “First, they have practice for the play, then Nicky has a workshop with John, and then they’re making our presents. I assure you, they don’t have time to be running around with their parents.”

“Yeah, because I have to work on my social skills tomorrow,” Nicholas said, walking toward us.

“Hey, buddy,” I said, pulling him to my lap. This felt right, but was it?

I had no idea if my plan was going to work or not, but I had to try. I’d already told myself that if she still wanted to go after Christmas, I’d let her, but I wasn’t going to let her go without one hell of a fight. She fucked up, so what. So did I. Destroying our family over it seemed like the worse idea in the world.

I didn’t let Morgan talk about anything serious. Every time she tried, I stopped her with some silly magical Christmas blabber. We spent the entire day shopping for clothes and toys. The town we visited was amazing. Main Street. That’s the only place we needed to go. Both sides of the street were made for the Christmas season and yeah, we bought way more than we needed.

The train store was amazing and Nicholas was going to love his new replica of the Tower Bridge in London. I knew exactly where he would put it. He’d just told me a few days before that he needed to make a park with a bridge in his train town. It was perfect. Morgan picked out the train station building for him. It even had the old time scales in front, like you saw in the movies.

“I’m starving, Drew,” Morgan whined after a full vehicle and six hours.

“Okay, what do you want? There’s a pizza shop over there. Do you want pizza?”

“No, Alicia and I made pizza last night. Just something light. I want to make a nice supper.”

“I’ll cook. You don’t have to do anything but enjoy the holidays.”

Morgan laughed and almost took my hand. She stopped herself when she realized it. “I’ll cook. You sort of suck at it.”

“How about a sub? There’s a sandwich shop. Fine, you cook. I’ll play with the boys. I think we should give Nicky his bridge tonight. He’s going to flip when he sees this thing.”

“Will you split a sub with me? And no. He’s not getting it until Christmas morning.”

“No, but I’ll eat your other half. I’m starving. I didn’t think you were ever going to feed me.” Wham. I grunted a little when the back of her hand landed in my gut.

“You could have said something. That’s what I mean about our communication skills. We suck at it.”

I did let the conversation go a little deeper after we sat at a small table with our lunch, only because I felt she needed to be put in her place again. Not in a bad way, more like a reminder way. “Morgan, look out the window. Would you have ever in a million years thought we would be here, where we are right now?” I asked, staring out at the Christmas filled street. It truly was magical.

“No, how could I? You bought it without telling me. You know that communication thing I was talking about back there?” she asked, crunching a chip and nodding across the street. Her tone was playful until I spoke.

“You don’t think coming here is magic?”

“No, I think most people are happier this time of year. I don’t think that’s magic.”

“I ended up in Center Station on accident. Tell me you aren’t afraid of where we would be if we weren’t here, regardless of how we got here. Do you think maybe you would have met your friend Blain again? Maybe you would have taken Nicky with you next time.”

I heard the air enter Morgan’s lungs, before she shifted her eyes to the busy sidewalks and cheerful shoppers.

“I’m sorry, Morgan. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Meh, it’s okay. I deserve it and you have every right to say what you want. What you don’t have a right to do is be sneaky about how you find things out.”

“You would have never told me. That pisses me off about you. I don’t like you hiding things from me. I have a right to know what you’re doing, especially when it concerns my three-year-old son,” I added with importance.

“Like it used to be, right, Drew? Like when you could flip on a screen and see what I was doing every second of every day? Is that what you mean, Drew?” Morgan asked. Goddamnit. Things were going so good. I didn’t mean for it to turn into this.

“No, not like it used to be, Morgan. I didn’t mean it like that. I was going to wait to revisit that part of past after you’ve been home for a few days, but I think maybe we should do it tonight.”

“Visit that part of the past? You’ve got this a little confused,” Morgan smartly accused.

“What do you mean? What am I confused about?”

“We’ve already visited the ghost of Christmas past, then we went to my house, the ghost of Christmas future. We can’t go back to the past. Charles Dickens would be very ashamed.”

“I know the name, but you have to help me out here,” I urged, trying to get back to being happy and in love.

“I love it when there’s something I’m smarter at than you,” she teased. Phew. Saved. “The Christmas Carol? Ring any bells. We’ve already been to the past and to the future, we can’t go back to the past. That’s not how the story goes.”

“Let’s Netflix it tonight and watch it.”

“Nah, it’s too scary for the boys.”

“I wasn’t really inviting them. Come on, we’ll sit in front of the fire and wrap presents and watch it. I’ll even make you some homemade popcorn,” I begged.

“Okay, sure. Sounds like fun. Drew?” she quietly spoke with questions in her eyes.

“Yeah?”

“You have every right to be mad. I’m happy we’re here regardless of how things end up.”

“I’m not mad. Do you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because I took a deep breath and let it go. If I want to start a new chapter then I need to learn to stop reading the last one. So do you.”

Morgan looked at me through suspicious eyes. “You don’t read. If you did, you would know who Charles Dickens was. And what is with all the positive affirmations? Do you still want the rest of my sandwich?”

“John,” I snorted. “He fires off positive affirmations way faster than I can shoot negative ones at him. If he can teach Nicky to be as happy as he is then I will owe him my life.”

“I am glad you found John and Nicole. I sort of owe her my life, too. Drew?” Morgan questioned again. I hated when she did that. It always came out too serious.

“Yes, love?”

“I told her stuff. A lot of stuff,” Morgan said, like she owed it to me.

“It’s okay. I’m glad you did. I told John, too.” I watched Morgan’s eyes widen and her mouth drop.

“Maybe this place is magic,” she teased.

Morgan and I picked up the boys and watched a Christmas movie with them first. That might not have been the best movie for them, either. Tadpole was determined Santa was bringing him a Red Rider BB gun. Morgan made the most amazing chicken potpie ever. She got the recipe from Stacy. Stacy was my new best friend and she could keep recipes like that coming all the time.

Morgan and I watched the old original black and white Christmas movie while we wrapped toys.

“This is pretty darn cute for a doll,” I said, holding up the doll with a red velvet dress. “Christina’s going to love it.”

“Oh, that’s not for Christina. That’s for Carol, Carlie’s little girl. Speaking of her. I need to talk to you about something.”

“Okay…” I coaxed.

“Would it be okay to let her go to the beach house for little while, just until she gets her shit together? She’s really trying. I really want to help her. She’s going to go back to school for her degree like she’d planned,” Morgan explained.

“I don’t see why not. Do you want to sell the beach house, Morgan? We don’t have to go there. We can get a room at your mom’s if we want to visit.”

“I don’t know, maybe, but right now, I’d kind of like to use it to help a friend.” She smiled.

“Of course she can. That’s very selfless of you.”

“I kind of invited her here Saturday night for supper, too.”

“She’ll have to eat supper with us at the party. We’re eating there, remember?”

“Do you think it would be okay?” Morgan questioned. “It’s not like Nicole doesn’t know who she is.”

“I’m sure it would be fine.”

“Drew?”

“Stop doing that. What, love?” That laugh again. It was music to my ears.

“You said you wanted to visit the past again. What did you mean by that?” she asked.

I took her hand and pulled her to me. “I don’t want to ruin this. I truly believe that if we’re ever going to have a future, we’ve got to let go of the past.”

“I want to know.”

I took a deep breath and then her hand. “Stay here. I’ll be right back. Put your coat on,” I said and walked away. Morgan stared after me, confused. After starting the fire in the stone fire pit, I opened the garage door.

“Drew, what the hell are you doing?” Morgan asked, coming around the corner. “What is all of this?”

“It’s stuff I had stored at Calloway’s. Celeste just sent it to me. Come on.” I gestured, taking the first box to the burning fire. She watched as I carried a pile of canvas photos of her and me during the first seven years of our marriage.

“Here,” I offered, handing her the one from the very first Christmas party she attended with me. Mr. Calloway made us take it and even at such a young age, Morgan was stunning, but sad. Her eyes didn’t hold the sparkle like I knew they had. They were vacant and lonely.

“What?” she asked, staring at the beautiful portrait.

“Burn it.”

“Why? This is a nice picture of us.”

“No, it’s not. Look how lost you look. You’re only beautiful on the outside. I want you to be beautiful on the inside again, too.”

“Do you remember this night, Drew?” Morgan asked, brushing her fingers over the young girl in the photo.

“Yes, that’s why I want you to burn it. That’s why I want you to leave it in the past.”

“I talked to Mr. Calloway alone that night. You were very mad.”

“I’m sorry, Morgan.”

“You made me bend over your lap in the limo naked while Derik drove us around the city to let you cool off.”

“I remember, Morgan. I remember everything,” I assured her, brushing the tear from the eye I had blacked that night because she forgot to say “yes, Drew.” I jumped a little when she tossed it to the fire.

“Some wedding for people I never knew. I was flirting with some random guy that night because he spoke to me,” she said, tossing the next elegant canvas to the fire. I stood silently beside her, handing her the next portrait. “Mr. Calloway’s birthday. I talked to him again that night. Took one for the team over that one. You made me go into an empty room and suck you’re dick,” she said, pitching the next one into the flames. The next one, she was in a beautiful red gown and reminded me of the hotel room where I kept her tied to a bed and fucked with her for hours before coming in her mouth. I did let her get off that night. By the time the nine photos were burned to ash, Morgan was crying and I felt like a piece of shit.

We burned so many people that night, so many memories, and I could only hope that it somehow burned the parts neither of us wanted to remember.

“How do you feel?” I asked, smiling like crazy once there was nothing left to burn. I didn’t know how Morgan felt, but it felt amazing to me. Watching Michael’s face go up in flames along with Derik’s and Skyler’s was weight lifting.

“I sort of feel like throwing you in there now.” She smiled a half a smile.

“Do you feel like hot chocolate? We still have presents to wrap,” I reminded her, taking her hand.

Morgan and I stayed up way later than we normally did. We talked a lot, some serious, some not. We even decorated the naked tree we hadn’t gotten around to, or couldn’t stop fighting long enough to get it done. The boys were going to be so excited when they’d wake up and see their stockings hung and the tree decorated.

“I’m done,” Morgan announced. “I’m going to faint soon if I don’t shut my eyes.”

“Okay, me too,” I awkwardly agreed.

“No.”

“No, what?” I questioned the stern demand with the straight finger.

“I’m not going to bed with you.”

“Good, because I really didn’t want you in my bed,” I said, walking her toward the kitchen. I stopped her and backed her against the bar, separating the two rooms. “I was just hoping for a kiss,” I softly spoke to her lips.

“What if I say no?”

“You can’t. Look up. It’s against the Christmas rules,” I warned, pointing to the mistletoe I’d been waiting to hang. Nicole gave it to me and explained that it did wonders for ice-breaking kisses. I was about to try out my ice-breaking skills.

“I think I was set up.”

“You were,” I confessed and softly spoke the words. Morgan could tell I was about to kiss her. Her chest stopped moving when her breathing stopped. My heart raced a hundred times faster than it should as I leaned in, touching her lips with mine. My conscience was lightened and it was the best feeling in the entire world. Her eyes closed when our lips finally met and arms fell around my neck. I pulled her closer when she stood on the tips of her toes and opened her mouth. Blood rushed to my groin and I pressed it into her stomach when she moaned.

“Drew,” Morgan panted, pulling away. I didn’t want her to pull away. She patted my chest with two taps and ducked under my arm. My body fell to the bar and I groaned, banging my forehead on the cool marble top. She left me. Left me wanting more. Dammit. I was beginning to hate my right hand.

Okay, maybe I rushed into the whole house thing. I couldn’t believe what Drew arranged for me. And to be perfectly honest, I did feel better about the past, and I promised myself and Nicole that I wouldn’t go take it off the shelf and reminisce about it when things got tough. I had to find a new hobby, something to occupy my time. That’s what Nicole said anyway. The boys were enough to occupy my time.

As hard as it was to spend the days with Drew and the boys, creating Christmas memories of all things, I slept in my own bed downstairs or with one of the boys. We kissed, we held hands, and we cuddled in front of the fire, but that’s as far as it went. It was stupid really, but for whatever reason, I found it extremely difficult to let him go all the way.

I couldn’t believe the progress Nicholas was making with John. Drew even talked him into asking a total stranger in the supermarket if he could take her cart for her. It made him extremely happy to know he helped her. He would have never done that before. I still wasn’t convinced Stacy was going to get him to perform in front of a group of people, but she insisted he was her star student. She wouldn’t let me watch the practice. It was a surprise.

Things felt different between Drew and me, not great, but different. We were making progress and I was happy I didn’t have the weight of worrying about getting high, or when I was going to be able to sneak away to do it. I never realized how crippling it was before.

“You ready Ebenezer?” Drew asked, grabbing Nicky and tossing him over his shoulder. “Have you seen Nicky? I can’t find him anywhere,” Drew teased, holding onto his ankles.

“I’m right here, silly,” Nicky called, trying to look around to Drew’s face.

“What? Did you hear something?” he teased.

“Nicky go get your shoes. We have to get going. Where’s your brother? Tadpole! Come on. We have to go,” I called.

“I pooping,” he called back.

“You wearing those jeans?” Drew asked, setting Nicky to the floor and moving behind me.

“You’re the one that moved me to the coldest climate on the planet,” I reminded him. “Maybe if I was still in California I would be half naked,” I added for the tease.

Drew let go of my hips and walked away. “Hey, where you going?” I asked in a laugh.

“I have to get away from you. I’m going to wipe some ass. Are you ready? We need to go.”

We spent yet another day talking to John about Nicholas, and then we baked cookies. On Thursday, we spent the day in front of the local drug store ringing a bell and well, a lot of flirting.

“Let’s sing Jingle Bells, maybe that’ll get them in the giving spirit,” I suggested, ringing the bell to the by passers.

“I can’t sing. I have a better idea. Let’s kiss.”

I laughed and rang the bell more. “Merry Christmas,” I said to a lady dropping change to the bottom of our little red bucket, hanging from the tripod. “I’ll make you a deal, Mr. Kelley. You sing Jingle Bells with me and if that doesn’t work to get more people in the giving spirit, we’ll try your idea.”

“I’ll sing whatever you want if I get to kiss you, Mrs. Kelley.”

We got to the second chorus with no money when Drew started singing louder, making up his own words to the familiar tune. He sang loud, letting the people passing by know he was going to kiss his wife. He actually got a crowd and a red-faced wife. People gathered to watch my dumb husband promise them all a kiss. They even hooted and whistled at the romantic display of public affection. And we got a lot more money.

I had a good day with Drew that day and a good evening.

On Friday night, Drew left me to do his guy thing at the barn. I talked to Alicia on the phone and then Carlie. She was really going to do it. I was so proud of her for stepping up and wanting a better life for her and Carol. She could live there as long as she wanted if it helped her finish school. My next plan was to get her reunited with her family.

I was actually surprised when Drew was home at a decent time. The boys and I were laying in front of the floor working a snowman puzzle. Drew removed his shoes and laid on his stomach beside them to help. Tadpole jumped on his back and Nicholas explained that he had to do the straight sides first and then they could do the middle. He was getting whiny, complaining when Drew or I placed a piece in the middle, but yet he did it himself.

“Drew, can I go through your phone?” I blurted for no apparent reason. I wasn’t even thinking that. What the fuck. Where did that come from?

“Ohh, I thought for sure that one was going to fit,” Drew yelled when the piece didn’t fit. He never even looked at me. He just rolled a little and fetched it out of his jean pockets. He handed it right over. Not one word.

I swiped my finger over it, feeling like I was about to do something bad, like it was a trap and I was going to get into trouble. I went to his pictures first. Pictures of his family. Selfies of him and me, funny photos of the boys, photos of the snow, photos of the house, and more of the boys and me. Drew truly loved his family. He may be an ass sometimes, well, a lot of the times, but there was never any doubt about the love he had for me and these boys.

“Here, go to my messages. The one from Dundee Realty.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Just do it. But don’t hate me. I couldn’t help myself.”

“If you bought another house without telling me, I’m seriously going to be bury you in the back yard.”

“I want to be buried in the back yard wif daddy too,” Tadpole decided.

“If you don’t stop stepping on my fingers you’re going to be,” I teased pinching his belly.

“And what if I didn’t buy a house?” Drew asked at the exact same moment I read the message.

“You didn’t pay for my house?” I asked, reading the thank you for your time, but…message.

“No, I couldn’t do it. Do you hate me?”

“No, I don’t hate you. I’m glad you didn’t, but did you have a plan for when Christmas was over and I told you I was going?”

“No, and I didn’t have a plan when you told me you wanted to go look inside, either. But I did stop by and put the real estate sign back in the yard.”

“You’re a horrible, horrible man.”

“But you love me.”

That I did. And for the first time in a very long time, I thought Drew and I might be okay after all.

Saturday was a blast. I chose a black party dress for the Christmas party and Drew and my little guys wore black suits with red Christmas ties. We were the best-looking family on the planet and I loved us as a family. Even though I would have been furious with Drew a few days before, I was happy he didn’t pay for my house. I wanted this. I wanted to be right here with my family, with Drew.

The party was so much fun. The food was amazing, and the company we kept was awesome. I loved Nicole and Stacy to death. The three of us stood off to the side looking like a million bucks and gossiped while the men and kids mingled.

“You guys look happy,” Nicole accused, bumping my arm with her shoulder.

“We’re okay. Did you know he didn’t pay for the house?”

“I have to go find John,” Nicole announced, trying to escape. I grabbed her arm and called her a traitor.

“Have you talked to Carlie? I’ve tried to reach her all day. She said she was coming,” I asked, looking to the door for the fifteenth time. Where the hell was she?

“Not since yesterday. She said she was bringing Carol and coming, I don’t know. Tell me what’s going on with you two. You didn’t tell me he looked that good in a suit. He’s a little sexy,” Nicole said.

“Yeah, he is, but I still like him better in jeans and basketball shorts,” I confessed.

“Or naked,” Stacy laughed.

“No, not naked. I can’t remember the last time we did that,” I declared.

“Why?” both my friends asked at the exact same moment.

“I don’t know. I’m still sleeping downstairs or with one of the boys.”

They spoke in unison again. “Why?”

“We’ve kissed and made out, but I chicken out every time it gets to that point. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I’m a virgin afraid of losing my purity again or something,” I explained.

“Or you’re holding on to something you shouldn’t be holding on to?” Nicole accused.

“Like what? I can’t think of anything. It’s frustrating. Shut up. Here he comes.”

“Here who comes?” Drew asked with a smile.

“You, we were just talking about sex,” Stacy offered. Great. Like I needed another Alicia in my life.

“Is that so? I’m just going to leave that one alone and take my wife to the middle of the floor for a dance,” Drew countered with a cute as hell smile.

“Thank you,” I said, falling into his arms.

“Tell me what you were talking about.”

“I wasn’t talking about anything, it was them.”

“You’re lying. Tell me, or I’m going to break out in one hell of a tango and you’re going to follow.”

“Yeah, right. We haven’t danced like that in years. We probably forgot how,” I reminded him about the fact that we hadn’t danced since before Calloway passed away.

“You didn’t forget. I saw you dancing with Tadpole and Nicky the other day in the hall.”

“You saw that, huh?” I asked, smiling up to him. Drew kissed the tip of my nose and spun me around once.

“I did. The heels with boy shorts was pretty sexy.”

“You could have said something. I gave you a full show.”

“You did and I loved it. So did my Tad. He’s going to take after me,” Drew said, spinning me and circling his hips into my ass.

I turned back around and looked at the smiling faces of my two conniving friends. “Drew, stop. This is a family thing.”

Drew didn’t care. “How about something with a little beat?” he called to the DJ on the stage that wasn’t there the day before. Drew was turning into quite the handyman. He even fixed a dripping sink thanks to YouTube. He was just too proud to call Solomon. It was fine, though. Tadpole helped.

“Drew, no. What are you doing?” I protested when he grabbed me around the waist again. “I’m serious, stop.”

“You’re a beautiful dancer. Come on, let’s show them where we came from,” Drew teased while we waited for the song to end and another one to start. Nicole was the troublemaker that started the circle. Oh my god. I was going to die of embarrassment.

“I’m not a dancer. I don’t dance.”

“You’ve been dancing since you were eighteen. You’re a liar.”

“Drew, please don’t make me do this. And I didn’t have a choice. You made me. Remember Jaymes? Remember when he taught me how to dance?” I asked, trying my best to ruin whatever the hell he thought he was doing in front of all these people.

“Stop. We’re not talking about that night or any other night. We’re talking about this one. Are you ready?” Drew asked, holding my arm around my waist, ready to spin me into a dance we’d learned years ago. There was no way we were going to pull this off in one piece. I begged one last time before the music changed.

“I’ll do anything you want, Drew, but not this.”

“Have I told you how beautiful you are tonight?” Drew whispered in my hair. I could feel his smile and I was so happy that he was happy, but I did not want to do this.

“Have I told you how much I hate you?” And there it was. The bump from his hips into mine. Drew and I were in full-blown tango mode to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.” I tried my best to ignore the crowd, clapping and dancing, egging us on. The smile never left either of our faces. We both messed up a couple times, but nobody cared. It was fun and I was happy.

Drew pulled me into his arms when the song ended. “Silent Night” faded in from the stage and my arms went around Drew’s neck. I knew the kiss was meant to be soft, sweet, and quick. I meant for that to happen, too. I parted Drew’s lips with my tongue and he responded. Although the dance floor filled with other couples, Drew and I were the only two people in the room for moment. Emotions were high while we swayed, surrendering ourselves to each other.

“Want me to keep the boys tonight?” Nicole asked, swaying her husband closer to us. Our moment was halted and I smiled over at her. No. I didn’t want anyone to keep my boys, but I may not have minded taking care of their daddy in a bathroom stall or something.

“I love you, Morgan. Don’t ever think I don’t,” Drew whispered, holding me tight.

“I love you, too, Drew.” I did love Drew. I loved Drew with all my heart and I never wanted to be without him. Could we really do this? Was this fixable? The last few days told me that it was, that we could be happy. I wanted that more than anything, but another part of me held on to that wall. What if we got to comfortable again? What if we came right back here? I didn’t want to go through it again. I didn’t want to go through anything with Drew again. If we lived the rest of our lives being in love and happy, we deserved it. Of all people, Drew and I deserved that.

Sexual tension filled the space between us for the remainder of the evening, and I think maybe it had something to do with using the boys as an excuse to get out of there. Drew helped a sleepy Nicky get out of his dress clothes and I helped Tadpole. I moved quietly out of his room, leaving faint noises from my heels and the hardwood.

I hushed Drew with a finger when I saw him at Tadpole’s door. He reached around me and pulled his door closed, locking me in his arms. The amazing kiss lasted forever while Drew’s hands traveled up the back of my dress. I was the one that broke the contact after I moaned. I’m not sure there had ever been this much sexual tension between Drew and me. I actually felt faint while he led me to our room.

Not waiting for instructions, I turned to Drew, stopping him in his tracks. I led the way by slowly undressing in front of him, leaving on the sexy red heels with a matching red lace garter set.

“Jesus, Morgan,” Drew muttered as he drooled. “You’re fucking gorgeous.”

“Come here, and stop making me be the center of attention. I’m never going to forgive you for that, you know?” I said, feeling uneasy about the gorgeous comment. I was fine until he said that and then I went all psycho-self-conscious.

Drew kissed my lips first and then my jawline, and neck. Tilting my head, I gave him full access to my throat and neck. I felt my breasts being released with a snap in the back. My back arched while my already erect nipples begged for attention. My head dropped and a soft moan escaped my lips when I felt the painful sensation between Drew’s lips. His hot hands worked their way to my red lace panties. Drew’s sensual hands ran down the back of my legs and I stepped out of them for him.

I wasn’t expecting the sudden attack on my clitoris when he came back up. Drew grabbed a handful of my ass with both hands and dove his tongue right across my aching nub. And the angels sang in heaven. Hallelujah.

“Drew, I need to lay down.”

Drew pressed his hand flat against my chest and urged me toward the bed. The contact was only broken briefly before I was on my back, heels digging into his shoulders. One hand grasped the covers and the other a fistful of his hair. My hips flailed into his mouth and I waited for the build to explode. Only problem was Drew. UGH. Sometimes I hated that man. Drew broke the contact and moved to my lips. Moaning, I tasted myself on his lips and felt his knee between my legs.

I have no idea what happened after that. One minute we were kissing and the next I was tensing beneath him and pulling away. Drew stopped the movement of trying to release himself and looked down at me.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Nothing, I’m fine. Don’t stop. I just…never mind…keep going.”

Drew took a deep breath and rolled to his back. Great…

“Don’t you feel like were fighting it, Drew? Doesn’t it feel like we have to work too hard for something that used to come so natural for us?” I asked in a serious tone while I rested my chin on his chest. Drew moved his arm from over his eyes and looked up to me.

“No, Morgan. I don’t feel anything but my wife naked below me in this sexy as hell lingerie. Her pussy is wet and ready, my cock is as hard as steel, and I feel like making love. That’s how I feel, Morgan. I don’t know what else you want. I’m trying to give you space and let you be a bullhead and sleep downstairs. I’m trying to be there for you without being too there for you. What do you want, love? I don’t know. Honest to god. I don’t know.”

“I want you to fight for me, Drew. I need to know you’ll always fight for me. Fight for me, Drew.”

“Fight for me, Morgan. Make me want to fight for you. I don’t know how much more I can change for you. I’m dying over here fighting for you. Why can’t you see that?”

I scratched my forehead with the back of my thumb and took a deep breath. What was I supposed to say to that?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I am the last person on earth that has any room to talk about another human being stubborn, but for the love of god. What did this woman want from me? I shifted my weight when Morgan fidgeted, brushing a hair from her forehead with her thumb. I took the distraction to put her flat on her back. I towered above her, speaking in a firm, but loving manner.

“Your way’s not working. I’m going to continue to hold the reins in this room when that door is closed. Are we clear on that?” I asked, kissing her lips and running my hand up the inside of her leg. She surrendered immediately, dropping her knee to the side. “This is dumb. What’s the point in you going downstairs and rubbing it yourself when I can do it for you?” I asked, sliding one finger up her wet slit. My middle finger dipped inside her warm pussy and my cock twitched in my pants. There was no way I was letting her out of my arms.

Morgan fumbled with my buckle on my dress pants, and I stood to help her out. I unbuttoned my shirt with one hand while the other one kept her pussy entertained. I wasn’t about to give her time to think again. The last time almost cost me big time. I wasn’t taking that chance. If she needed constant contact to be reminded of what I was about to do to her then I’d oblige.

I’m not sure what was going through Morgan’s mind, but mine was going crazy. I wanted to say things, do things, demand things, but I didn’t know if I should. It seemed we’d drawn a line that I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to cross or not. I chose the safer route and stayed on my side, jumping to hers, only in my mind.

The more my mind said what my mouth couldn’t, the more aroused I became.

You like your pussy rubbed, don’t you, bad girl? Hmmm yeah, spread those legs for me, I chanted to myself, stroking my cock on her spread leg. You want my cock in your mouth, don’t you, baby? I said in my mind while I moved to her lips. I fisted her hair and pulled her to suck my cock while I spun her hips. My hand slid between her wet pussy while my cock slid in and out of her mouth. I wasn’t even thinking about it when I twisted her hips and my hand came down and slapped her ass. The sound of my hand on her bare ass went straight to my cock and I shoved her head. Balls deep, I gagged her, and then felt the hum on my dick from her exotic moan.

None of what transpired was remotely close to how I’d planned our night. I wasn’t going to do any of this. My plan was to make slow, passionate love to her while her naked body laid beneath me. Hmmm, you want me to fuck your little pussy, I recited to myself, ramming my cock to the back of her throat again. My hand slid wet arousal to her ass pucker and I taunted her, teasing her with her own wetness, or maybe I was teasing me. Nonetheless, it was hot as hell.

I flipped Morgan again and spread her legs, pressing down on her knees, telling her to stay with only my eyes. I stared vehemently at her, daring her to move while I walked to the closet. Was I overstepping my boundaries, probably, but for whatever reason, doing it in silence made it okay. I pulled Morgan’s legs to her chest and pressed out on her knees again. Her eyes widened with the most amazing, lust-filled unknown that I’d ever seen. She wanted this. If only in her eyes and her pussy, I could tell.

My mind told her to hold her ankles, but my hands did the talking. Once her ankles were secured with her hands, I turned on the electrical current. Morgan jumped, startled when I touched the end, jumping myself from the sudden volt. I watched her stomach move up and down while I slowly brought the rod to her clit. It stilled when her breathing stopped. Her body moaned in instant gratification, but then stopped with the orgasm.

I fucked her with a hard plastic vibrator next, keeping her spread eagle while I watched, playing with her pussy and bringing her to orgasm after orgasm. Again, with my hands and using no words, I moved her to all fours. Holding her ass cheeks open, I watched her body tense from the feel of the lube touching the pucker in her ass. Holy fuck. My cock was ready to explode. I pumped myself in my hand while I slid the anal probe in, one small bead leading to a bigger one. I slid the nubs in and out of her ass while my mind told her how much she wanted to sit on my cock and then swallow my come.

Again, I positioned her with only my hands, sliding her to the edge of the bed on her back. I placed her hands around her ankles again and pressed her knees out. Jesus, I could look at her in this position all day long. I hissed when my dick slid into her hot, wet pussy. My mind told her how much I loved fucking her while my eyes watched my cock glisten from her coating it with her own come.

My eyes sternly held her gaze while I opened and slid on the condom. That’s what you want, isn’t it love? You want my cock in your ass. I could have sworn Morgan nodded, was she reading my mind? It sure as hell felt like it. After coating the condom with a squirt of lubricant, I pushed her legs back more, dripped a couple drops to her ass, and slid in a finger.

Her muscles tightened and she squinted her eyes. I loved this part. I loved fucking her ass in this position, and I loved watching the painful pleasure on her face while I teased her. The head of my cock teased her opening and again, she tightened her sphincter. My eyes watched it all very carefully, her eyes, her trembling body spread beneath me, my cock moving slowly in, and the pleasurable pain in her expression as I moved in. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I pulled completely out, waited for her ass to resume its normal size, and then plummeted again. I did that a few more times before holding on to her hips and forcing them into mine. I fucked her ass for as long as I could take it and then removed the condom. I jerked it with my hand a couple times, trying to decide if it was ready or not. After dipping it back into her pussy a couple times, I took a step back and pumped the hell out of my cock. Oh, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I didn’t need words. Morgan was reading my mind. She dropped to her knees in front of me and took my cock in her hands.

“Is this what you want, Drew? You want me to swallow your poison?” she asked in the most fucked up, erotic, raspy tone I’d ever heard come from her lips. My hips jolted when she sucked on my head, hard. Her hands cuffed my balls and my body gave way, riding out every last wave while Morgan swallowed me.

Once the waves were ridden, I pulled her to her feet and held her tight in my arms.

“I was wrong, Drew,” she said, muffled from the hold I had on her. I sighed a heavy breath. Now what?

“About what?”

“You can keep the reins in here. I’m fine with that, but I do have one condition.”

“I didn’t plan any of that, I swear. It just went that way. What’s your condition?”

“You can’t not talk. Oh my god. You were driving me crazy. It was like I could hear you telling me how much I wanted to suck your dick, but you wouldn’t say it. Don’t do that again. It turns me on when you tell me to do it. I’ve told you before. I don’t have complaints about what we do in here. And my condition is—”

“Wait, wasn’t the talking thing your condition?” I teased.

“No, well, that too. The condition is we can’t hold out on sex the next time we fight.”

“How about we don’t do that. I don’t want to fight with you, ever. You’re the last person on earth I want to piss off.”

“Yeah, well that’s unrealistic. You drive me too crazy not to fight with you. And I’m always going to drive you crazy; we’re going to fight. But we’re fighting fair from now on. No more buying anything unless you talk to me about it first.”

“What about gas and Slim Jims?”

“Gas? No, you don’t need my input for that. Slim Jims, most definitely.”

My eyes drifted to the neon blue time. The digital numbers read one minute before midnight. One of the best days of my life. Had it not been for the next sixty seconds, I would have gone to bed a happy man with my wife in my arms. I did do that, only I wasn’t happy and I held Morgan while she sobbed, unable to understand.

“Who in the world is calling at this time of night?” Morgan asked, sliding out of the heels. Damn, I loved her in that getup with her ass cheeks peering from red lace. She could walk around like that all day long. “It’s Nicole,” Morgan claimed with a peculiar expression.

“Let me answer it,” I ordered. Something didn’t sit right. It was one of those eerie feelings you get when your gut tells you something isn’t right.

“Drew, stop. I’m sure Nicole isn’t calling to talk to you,” Morgan confidently assured me. “Hey, Nicole, what’s up?”

I knew it. With everything in me, I knew it. I was stepping to Morgan before her face ever fell, before she became speechless.

“What’s going on, Nicole?” I asked, taking Morgan’s hand and making her sit on the bed.

“I just got off the phone with Buff Rehab. Carlie was just found dead in her apartment.”

“Oh god. Where’s the little girl?”

“That’s all the details I have right now. I just wanted to let Morgan know. She has been trying to get a hold of her all day.”

“You shouldn’t have done that. You should have waited until tomorrow,” I ordered, looking at Morgan’s white, frozen state. “You shouldn’t have told her. You should have told me, Nicole,” I yelled through the phone. Goddammit. She didn’t know how fragile Morgan was. She didn’t need this right now.

“No, Drew, that’s where you need to get your male ego out of your ass and stop thinking you’re superior to Morgan. You don’t even know Carlie. Morgan spent ten days with her, Morgan knows things about her Carlie never told anyone else, secrets only Morgan knows. Morgan confided in her everything that she couldn’t tell you. Carlie was Morgan’s friend. Not yours. Stop trying to protect your family from the world, Drew. Let Morgan deal with life, with her own feelings, not yours. You can’t protect them from everything. Stop trying. You’re smothering them.

“What would happen if you were suddenly taken out of the picture, Drew? Gone. Vanished. No more Drew Kelley. Could your wife pick up and move on if you were suddenly struck down by lightening? Would she even know what bank you used? What about the electric bill? Ask her who you pay the bill to. Does she know the passwords to important information? Can Morgan go right to the birth certificates, social security numbers, shot records, and everything else you shut her out of?

“I’m sorry. This whole thing is just messed up. It none of my business, but I hope you open your eyes and get it soon, Drew. You two really are great together and I’d hate to see it end, but you’re doing more harm than good. It wouldn’t surprise me if Morgan didn’t even know her own social security number. Tell her I will call her tomorrow.”

Not only did I have Morgan to deal with, I had this guilty cloud over my head. I wasn’t ever planning to leave her. She didn’t need to know stuff like that. Did Morgan know her own social security number? All of that had to be put on the back burner while I tried to be there for my wife.

We sat in a hot tub of bubbles and talked. I was actually very proud of her for the way she handled it. I liked this talking thing a lot more than the calm before the storm.

“I just can’t believe she’s gone. She promised me she would get better for Carol. What’s going to happen to her, Drew? She doesn’t really have any family. Carlie hadn’t spoken to them in nine years. I don’t even know if they know about Carlie.”

“I don’t know, love. It’s awful.”

“I wonder if anyone will even call her family,” Morgan questioned herself more so than me. I didn’t know the answers any more than she did, but I felt horrible for that little girl. The sudden way it happened made me think more about what Nicole had said. I once thought I’d never meet a wiser woman than Deidra, but Nicole was catching up pretty damn quickly. She didn’t give a shit about who I thought I was. She was right quick to tell me I wasn’t him, nor was I mightier than thou.

I thought about how Morgan would go on if for some reason I didn’t come home tomorrow. Morgan talked about Carlie and all that she had told her in private. I half listened while I visualized my departure and my wife trying to figure out how to bury me. She wouldn’t even know where to start. Lists were being made in my mind while I kissed Morgan’s head and held her in my arms.

“Do you know your social security number, love?” I asked, kissing her shoulder.

She chuckled a little. “I know Riley Murphy’s,” she admitted.

Morgan never shed a tear until we were in bed three hours later. She cried silently in my arms and I let her without one word. After waiting for Morgan to fall asleep, I finally surrendered to my own exhaustion and slept, too.

The sun coming from the open curtain woke me just after seven. I looked over to Morgan asleep beside me and smiled. She could hog my bed for the rest of my life. My plan was to close the curtain, piss, and then come back and wake her up with my cock. I watched it go up in smoke when I saw Nicholas on the back patio wrapped in a blanket while Dasher did his business. I smiled proudly down at him. He was such little man.

After finding clothes and escaping quietly, I scrambled eggs and listened to Nicholas tell me about the Golden Gate Bridge—again.

“Well, did you know that Charles Alton Ellis and Joseph Strauss designed it?” he asked, wrapping the dog leash round and around his arm. Yes. Nicky. Yes. I know who the architects are that designed the bay bridge. Hurry up, coffee.

I walked upstairs for my laptop once both boys were seated at the bar, watching cartoons. Morgan wasn’t in bed when I quietly entered my room. I started to get it and leave when I thought I heard Morgan say something. I did hear something, but I wasn’t quite sure what it was. The handle turned in my hand and Morgan’s hand went behind her back in a flash. Fuck.

“What are you doing, Morgan?”

“Nothing. Jesus. Can’t I have some privacy?”

“Yeah, to take a shit,” I countered, walking angrily toward her. What the fuck? She was doing so amazing. “What the fuck are you doing?” I asked, grabbing her wrist. She held her hand in a tight fist.

“Drew, stop. It’s not what you think. I swear.”

“Open your hand, Morgan,” I demanded.

“No, I’m embarrassed.”

“You should be embarrassed. Open it!” I demanded raising my tone just a touch. What the hell did she expect?

Morgan took a deep breath and slowly opened her hand. My eyes went to hers and I released the death grip I had on her hand.

“You owe me an apology.” She smirked, pushing the button on the end of the tiny little object. The silver bullet vibrated in her hand and my cock shot straight up.

“You were masturbating?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I needed a distraction. I woke up and thought about last night to keep from thinking about Carlie and it made me horny. You were already downstairs with the boys.”

I burst out laughing and took the tool from her hand. “Bend over, I’ll take care of it for you.”

“Drew, no. The boys will be storming in here any second.”

I stretched my arm and locked the door. I spun her and had my dick in her pussy before she could say another word. I knew the boys would be there at any given moment. This wasn’t my first bathroom quickie around my boys. I knew I had about three minutes. I reached around her front, spread her pussy lips with my fingers, and touched her clit with the cold metal.

Morgan moaned while I fucked her like a madman from behind. The vibrating bullet rubbed her clit hard and she was calling out at precisely the same moment as Tadpole.

“Mommy! I have a pee,” he whined on the other side of the door.

Morgan screamed that she was coming, shoving her ass as far back on my cock as she could go.

“Get on your knees, Morgan,” I urged, pulling out. As soon as her lips parted, my come coated them. I slid in and dumped another load inside her mouth, sliding my cock to the back of her throat all while pretending Tadpole wasn’t right outside the door. This woman was going to be the death of me. Never a dull moment.

“Morgan, I’m telling you, I mean, I am asking you. Please don’t get involved.”

“I can’t believe you right now, Drew,” I alleged. “All this talk about magic and us being here because of a purpose, what was all of that? Did you just mean the magic should stay here, in this house?” I argued back. That was just like Drew. Do what I say, not what I do. Fuck that. This was a life we were talking about. A little girl that had no one else fighting for her. Seeing that little girl broke my heart into a million tiny little pieces. She may as well have been laying in that coffin with her that’s how much life she had left in her little face.

“Morgan you can’t save the world.”

“I don’t want to save the world, Drew. Just Carol. She’s seven,” I pleaded in a reasonable but frustrated tone. “What if it were Nicky and Tadpole? Wouldn’t you want someone to fight for them? She’s in foster care, Drew. I’m not asking you to adopt a kid. I’m asking for you to help me hire a private investigator to track down her mother’s family.”

“Fine, Morgan. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m only worried about you. I don’t want you taking on more than you already have.”

“So you would rather protect my feelings than save this little girl from a life of unknown hell?”

“Well, that was below the belt. Let’s shoot real bullets,” Drew smartly replied, retrieving his phone. “Let’s go down to the library. I have a guy that I’ve used for years.”

“Hope it’s not the one that couldn’t find me,” I countered.

Drew laughed, but I didn’t really mean for it to be funny.

“There you go,” Drew said, pointing to a name and phone number in the email. Wow, that was quick.

“Call her.” I nodded behind Drew.

“Oh no, not me. This is your baby. You want your independence, have at it,” Drew said, bobbing his head to the desk phone.

“I can’t talk like you. You talk to people every day. Please, Drew. You do it.” Looking out to the sofa, I noticed both boys had dozed off in front of the television. The Sound of Music worked every time.

“Sit,” Drew ordered. “You’ve got this. Square your shoulders and suck in your confidence.”

I did just that, only no confidence entered my lungs and my straight posture did nothing to calm my nerves.

“Hello,” a cheerful voice answered. Good. That was a plus.

“Yes, my name is Morgan Kelley. I’m looking for May Pritchard.”

“This is May.”

Drew nudged me from behind when I froze again. “Um, yeah. I was calling about Carlie.”

“Sorry, don’t know any Carlie. My Carlie died when she left me here with her dying father nine years ago. Have a good day.”

“Wait! Mrs. Pritchard. Carlie did die.” I didn’t mean to blurt it out that way, but she didn’t really give me any choice. She was going to hang up on me. My eyes shifted to see if she was still there when the tone went silent. “Mrs. Pritchard?” I questioned, knowing she hadn’t hung up.

“What happened to her?”

“Drug overdose,” I honestly told her.

“Do you need money to send the body home or what?”

“No ma’am. She was buried just outside of Buffalo New York in a nice little cemetery. She has a little girl. She’s in foster care.”

“She has a little girl?”

“Yes, ma’am. She’s the cutest little thing you’ve ever seen and she’s alone and afraid. She sure could use some family right about now.”

“I’ll be on the next flight. What’s the nearest airport?”

I couldn’t talk anymore. Tears flooded my eyes and the emotion from that one sentence rushed over me like a tidal wave. Drew took the phone and I heaved in a sob, thanking the good lord above. Drew arranged for May to arrive at the airport that very day, via private jet.

“Thank you,” I said, falling into Drew’s arms after he hung up.

“No, thank you. Always be you, Morgan. Don’t back down from me. Sometimes I need you to put me in my place and demand things from me. If you wouldn’t have been so bullheaded, that little girl would have spent her life in and out of foster care. I love you so much, but sit down. I want to show you something.”

“The boys are asleep. Maybe you can show me later,” I teased, tracing his bottom lip with my tongue. Drew kissed me and spun me to sit.

“This folder is kept locked in the safe. Every password to anything you would ever need is in this folder.”

“I don’t need in your safe, Drew,” I said, looking over my shoulder. What the hell? I was happy. Christmas magic just happened and I was a part of it. I wanted to celebrate.

“It’s our safe and you need to know this.”

“Stop talking like you’re dying,” I said, getting up. Oh hell no. We weren’t doing this. This was a bad omen. There were certain things I didn’t need to know about. Drew did just fine taking care of the finance side of our lives.

“This is our main checking account. I like to keep around ten thousand dollars in there at all times,” he continued after making me sit again. Grrrr. “This bank account here is the one I move money from to keep this one at ten thousand,” he explained, going from one account to the other.

“These are our investments, but you shouldn’t need to worry about those. Chuck takes good care of our money. This here is our net worth.”

“Damn, we have a lot of money,” I exclaimed.

Drew snorted and kissed the top of my head. “Yes, love. We do. Everything you need to know if something happened to me is in this folder right here.”

“Drew, stop,” I ordered for real this time. I wasn’t doing this.

“Morgan. I need to do this. I need to make sure you’re okay. That you can jump in my shoes and be okay for these boys.”

I made him lean against the desk with my body and tried to make him understand. “Drew, I will do this with you all day long. Not today. Not this day and not the next two days. Not until after the holidays. I want to be happy. I want to sing and dance. I want to see who can slide the furthest in sock feet. I want to read The Night Before Christmas in front of the tree and cozy fire. I want to rejoice because something magical happened. We single handedly just saved a little girl’s life. I want to be tangled in your body while we watch Christmas movies with the boys. I want to think about doing dirty things with you, not burying you. Not now. I gave you thirty days, now give me a couple,” I begged.

“Okay,” Drew nodded. “I get it. I’m sorry. We’ll do it after the holidays.”

“Good, now about that other thing.”

“What other thing?” Drew teased, dipping his tongue in my mouth. Somehow, we ended up swapping places and I was now the one seated on the desk. Drew thrust his hips right to my already revived nub and I moaned in his mouth. “Do you need to be fucked, Mrs. Kelley?” Drew asked, sucking hard on my neck.

“Hmmm, yes,” I moaned.

“Later, I’ve got work to do. Will you make us a cup of hot cocoa?” he asked, abruptly snapping the tight wire between us. What the fuck?

“What work? No, it’s Christmas. We’re playing, that’s it.”

“I want to call Carol’s social worker and see if we can’t get this little girl home with her grandma before Christmas. I want to call Nicole, she’s shopping today, right?” Drew asked.

“Um, yeah, I think so,” I said. What the hell just happened here?

“Good, I’ll have her do some shopping for Christmas Carol and we’ll wrap them and have them delivered to the jet.”

Yeah, I pretty much fell madly in love with Drew all over again. I loved the Christmas Carol remark and I’m glad I won this fight.

Thanks to Drew, May and Carol spent Christmas Eve with us at the barn. If ever the spirit of Jesus was felt, it was that night. Christmas Carol’s social worker gave up her own holiday festivities to get this little girl with someone who would love and take care of her. I even saw a smile on her little face while we all sat on cold metal chairs and watched my little men in their play.

Never in a million years did I think I would see Nicky standing in front of this many people, singing to the top of his lungs. He didn’t make eye contact, but he made sure everyone could hear him. Tadpole, of course, had to steal the show with his curtness.

Nicole tried to pull his wings up his arms while the preschool kids took the stage.

“No, me a eagle,” he insisted, putting them back. The crowd laughed and Nicole let him be an eagle.

Sitting beside my husband, hand-in-hand, I felt nothing but love. This town and these people truly were magical. Anyone else would call it coincidence. Ask Drew or me on any given day, and we would call it magic. I was positively sure that Drew and I would always reside in Center Station, New York, population, 3023. I loved the closeness of the town, how everyone knew everyone, and how even though you had your normal run of the mill town drunks, sluts, gossip, and back stabbing, not one of these people would turn their back on the other. Not one.

This was a miracle for my family. Nicholas had progressed so much in the short time that we’d been there, and I owed it all to John. He didn’t shy behind Drew or me when someone talked to him anymore. Sometimes, you had to remind him to look at people when he talked, but that was getting better by the day, too.

“You look extraordinarily happy tonight, Mrs. Kelley,” Drew teased.

I looked over my poinsettia punch cup and out to the crowd of Christmas cheer. This was what it was about. Tadpole shook his little butt with Nicole’s twin boys. I’m not quite sure what Solomon was trying to teach them, I just hoped it wasn’t twerking.

“I am extraordinarily happy tonight, Mr. Kelley,” I admitted, letting him wrap me in his arm.

Nicholas watched from a distance to the kids playing and dancing, but never joined them. I didn’t feel sad about it. He was happier over there with Dasher by his side. His hand rubbed under his neck and he smiled at his little brother sliding across the floor on his knees.

“Take your shoes off,” Drew ordered, sliding out of his.

“Drew, no. I’m not dancing again. I’ll kill you in your sleep. I mean it.”

Drew laughed and dropped to his knees to remove my heels. After dragging me to the slippery floor, he grabbed Tadpole and sat him on his butt, removed his shoes, and then went after Nicky. I smiled and covered my mouth. I fucking loved that man. Drew was the best daddy in the entire universe. I watched him remove Nicky’s shoes and drag him to the floor, too.

“Mrs. Kelley, can I interest you in a sock sliding contest with our boys,” he asked with a smile and a kiss to my lips, failing miserably at a British accent.

“Absolutely,” I proudly boasted, linking my elbow with his.

Drew walked us back to the stage and reached for a microphone. “Ladies and gentleman, welcome to Center Station’s first annual Christmas sock sliding contest. The way we play it at home is by distance. Whoever can slide the furthest wins and gets to be dragged back to the starting line.”

Drew counted to three and we ran. Stopping midway, our feet slid further on the shiny hardwood than our marble. I knew I was going to win because of the stocking. Pantyhose always guaranteed I was being dragged back to the starting line.

I quit after a few times, watching the entire Christmas Eve party sliding around in sock feet. Nicole was already talking about making it an annual tradition.

“We can even do like the funniest Christmas socks, or most original,” she said, planning ahead in her mind. I was sure that my husband just created a Kelley Christmas tradition that would go on for many years, all because he wanted our son to fit in. Drew had a heart of a lion when it came to his family. There isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for any of us.

May Pritchard thanked us over and over, and over, when we drove her to the private plane. I walked in on Drew talking to her before we left the party. My heart fluttered when I heard him tell her he would set up full scholarship and if there was anything she needed, clothes, shoes, braces, anything, that his wallet was always open. She cried. Turns out, May Pritchard had been alone since Carlie left her and her husband died of cancer. I think Carol was an angel for her as much as May was for Carol. Thanks to Drew and a wonderful social worker, May was granted temporary custody and Christmas Carol was going home. My cup runneth over.

I swear I woke to ringing bells. I raised up and looked to my sleeping wife and then to the clock.

“Morgan,” I whispered.

“Hmmm?” she mumbled, pushing my face away.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Go away,” she whined, rolling away from me.

“No. It’s Christmas. I want to be downstairs when the boys wake up. I want to see their faces.”

“Fine, go make coffee,” she groggily agreed. I jumped out of bed and ran to the door. Morgan shushed me, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t been this happy in a long time and I wanted to savor every second of it. I needed Morgan more than I cared to admit. Time was still needed, but at least I was getting it. I guess we had to go through what we did to get where we are. I hate to think where we would have been had we stayed in LA. Morgan could score anything she wanted off the streets there and I don’t know that she would have bounced back from it.

“That’s not coffee,” Morgan complained.

“I know, I forgot what I was doing. I’ll make coffee,” I offered.

“No, this is fine. I can’t believe we’re down here at seven o’clock in the morning. We might as well just do it.”

“Do what?”

“Get it in,” Morgan sang with some sort of silly dance move.

“Or we could YELL REAL LOUD!” I called toward the steps. The next thing I knew, I was wrestling my wife off me and to the floor. We spent the next twenty minutes getting it in on the cold tile.

I think Morgan was starting to doze when we heard both of them, running, not walking, to the family room. Tadpole jumped the step and screamed.

“Santa came!” he yelled with Nicky and Dasher right on his trail.

I spent the next two hours passing out presents. Morgan got me the normal wife buying gifts, socks, a new pair of gloves, a new wallet, and the best one of all, a genuine black polished sea glass necklace. One little tag hung to the side of it, reading…

Always remember how we got here.

I watched Drew wrap the black leather around his neck as I thought back to that day. Who would have thought a simple piece of tarnished glass would have made him so happy.

Our eyes smiled at each other while we both reflected on that day. One that I would never forget. Thinking about Drew coming for me that day, knowing I was with Dawson made me realize Drew had been fighting for me all along. I was just too blind to see it. I thought about that day, watching my sexy Santa entertain his prides, Nicky and Tadpole with presents.

“Did I find something?” he asked, holding up the sea glass.

I feigned ignorance and took it from his hand. “Yes. Do you have any idea what you just found?” I asked. Drew stood from the sand, curious as I held it to the sun.

“What is it?” he asked.

I handed it back. “Hold it to the sun and you will see that it’s not actually black at all.”

“It’s purple,” he realized. “Do you know what it’s from?”

“My guess is an old medicine bottle, at least a hundred years old.” I explained how they were made with iron slag. Because of no refrigeration back then, they made the bottles stronger and more resistant to shattering. The years of harsh conditions kept its contents from going bad.

“I found a rare piece?” he asked with a boyish grin and ten-year-old excitement.

“The rarest,” I assured him. “That piece may have even come all the way from Italy.”

“Wow. Really?” he asked, looking at his treasure through the sun again.

“Yup,” I assured him.

“I’m going to have a necklace made out of it.”

“Are we done hunting sea glass?” I asked. We had been there for almost three hours. I was hot and needed something to drink.

“Yeah, but I kind of wanted to climb that rock,” he said, pointing to the peak where the sea only let you cross at a certain time of the day.

“You’re joking,” I said, hoping that he was.

“No. Come on,” he urged, placing his new treasure safely in his pocket, pulling my hand.

“Drew, we can’t climb that rock. One of us is going to get hurt.”

“I’m a doctor,” he said, ignoring me.

I didn’t laugh. This was not just a little rock. This was a cliff. There was no way we were going to make it to the top without breaking our necks.

I complained the whole walk back, protesting his mission. He won.

Drew made me go first, and I slowly and carefully chose where to put my fingers and toes. This was ridiculous. This was the type of rock that you wore harnesses and had security ropes for when you fell. We were going to fall. There was no doubt in my mind. Maybe that was the plan. If I fell to my death rock climbing with my husband, he would inherit all of my fortunes. I remembered panicking, wondering if I was climbing my way to my death.

“Morgan?” Drew said, grunting from behind me and pulling himself higher up the sea cliff.

“What,” I answered, pulling myself up the complex elevation.

“Thank you for this. This has been the best couple of days of my life.”

Okay, maybe he wasn’t planning on murdering me. I smiled as I continued against my will to make my way to the top.

We finally made it, and my seldom-used muscles quivered. Rock climbing was hard work. I couldn’t believe it when we finally sat on the edge of the cliff. We were high, really high. Our feet dangled over the dangerous edge and it was absolutely breathtaking.

“How are we getting down?” Drew asked with a laugh.

“We’re not going down,” I assured him. “We’re going up.” There was no way I was climbing back down.

He laughed. “Take your shorts off so I can fuck you up here.”

My first thought should have been no way, but it wasn’t. I looked around. There was absolutely no way anyone could see us up there, except maybe a sailboat in the distance, if they had binoculars.

“Drew?” I said in a question.

“What?” he mimicked my tone. “I will do all the work. You just get naked and lay back.”

“You’re serious?” I asked.

He unbuttoned his jeans and removed his half-staff cock. “Take your shorts off, Morgan,” he demanded, stroking himself and letting me know that he was more than serious.

Of course, I did just that. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I slid out of my shorts, hooking my panties with them and laid back. Drew stroked himself up my wet pussy a couple of times before sliding into me.

Fuck…

The sound of the waves below us, the sea salt breeze, and the heat from the sun while Drew made love to me on top of the world was something that I’m sure I’ll never experience again for the rest of my life. Drew took his time and made slow, passionate love to me. He brought me to bliss not once, but twice before he plunged deep into me, releasing himself.

He stayed inside of me for as long as I could stand the rock digging into my lower back.

“I love you, Morgan,” he said, staring down at me.

“I love you, too, Drew.”

“Here, stop daydreaming and open this,” Drew ordered, pulling me from that sunny day back to reality. Nicholas didn’t care about anything under the tree. He had the Tower Bridge from London and he just wanted to go upstairs and put it with his train town. Tadpole couldn’t care less about anything other than the cheap Styrofoam sword. I took the little red box and smiled when Drew kissed my lips, dipping is tongue in for a special kiss for at least ten seconds.

I knew she would like it, but I didn’t think she would cry. Morgan picked at the sparkling red paper with her pink panted nails. I wanted to grab it and rip it off. She picked up the shattered heart and studied it. The heart had been broken into tiny little pieces and you could see small crevices where it had been glued back together.

She flipped it over and read the inscription.

“I’m an imperfect man, and I have made my wife an imperfect woman. We’re just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. She will forever be my always.”

Morgan was in my arms in a split second. “This means so much, Drew. You don’t even know.”

“Dad, can I go now?” Nicky asked, holding up the only thing that mattered.

“Yes, go,” Morgan answered. “We’ll just open presents for the next week,” she sarcastically replied to his backside already hightailing it out of there. Tadpole sat on the floor and played with his SpongeBob racecar set and Morgan and I watched, happy and in love. His funny chatter could make the devil smile.

“Look, it’s snowing!” I called, seeing the heavy white flakes flow to the ground.

Morgan had the whole day planned for us, but by two in the afternoon, it was shot to hell. The ground was covered and Nicole and Stacy wanted to go play. We spent the afternoon sliding down a hill on inner tubes. That may have been in the top ten best days of my life.

Nicholas and Tadpole loved sled riding as much as I did. We let go of everything we had built up and had fun. Who would have thought sliding down a hill with my wife and boys piled on my lap would have been so much therapy.

This laughter right here was what it was all about. Christmas magic. An Underestimated Christmas.

May this year be your Underestimated Christmas and may you have the magic you deserve.

From the Kelley’s.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

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