I Love You to Death

By Natalie Ward

Published by Natalie Ward

ISBN-13: 978-0-9874159-0-5

This book is also available in print at selected online retailers.

Copyright 2012 Natalie Ward

Song lyrics to "Her song" and "I Need to Tell You" Copyright 2012 Natalie Ward

All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage the piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights.

All characters and storylines are the property of the author and your support and respect for this is appreciated.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are entirely fictitious.

Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Cover photo Copyright iStockphoto.com.

Cover created by Sarah Hansen at Okay Creations.

For more information please come and visit me at http://www.natalieward.com.au

Table of Contents

Prologue

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

∞

Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.

Most people live and die with their music still unplayed, they never dare to try.

but

If music be the food of love, play on.

∞

Unknown; MK Ash; W. Shakespeare

Zero is neither positive nor negative only empty, absent, nothing.

∞

Playlist:

1. The Kill – 30 Seconds to Mars

∞

I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t do this. I just can’t keep going through this.

The whole room is spinning. I am so drunk, but all I want to do is keep on drinking. I want to drown in it, want to block out this pain and this hurt. I want to feel nothing, I want to be empty.

I really want to sleep but it’s too painful, too scary. Another drink, I need another drink. Passing out would be a much better option.

Shit, the bottle is empty.

I move along the shelf and grab the next one, it’s almost empty too. I’m swaying to the spinning room now. The whole world feels like it’s spinning, spinning to my pain. I wonder what that sounds like.

"Oh god," I cry out loud. There’s nobody to hear me, nobody to see me as I pick up the plain white envelope with For Ash written across the front of it.

Sam, oh Sam how did you know? How did you know Sam?

I can’t read it, don’t want to read it, because then it will be real, and it can’t possibly be real. I don’t want it to be real.

"Oh god Sam, please, please come back to me."

The hardness of the wooden floor slams into me. I’m on my knees, the floor is wet with alcohol and my tears.

I don’t want to be here. I can’t do this anymore.

If zero is nothing, then by definition, one is the probability of an event that is certain to occur

∞

Playlist:

1. One – U2

2. Cut – Plumb

3. Running Up That Hill – Placebo

∞

There’s only one certainty in life.

Death.

No matter what anyone says, it’s the one thing you can’t avoid, can’t put off, and can’t stop. It’s inevitable, and unfortunately it can happen when you least expect it.

It’s been the story of my life.

∞

I was only one minute old when it first started. I’m twenty-five now and it still keeps happening to me. People dying, all around me, people just keep on dying.

I didn’t even realise it had anything to do with me at first, that I was the one doing this to all the people I loved. But it kept happening, and it got closer and closer until one day, it got so close there was simply no other explanation and that’s when I knew.

Since then, especially since the last one, I’ve been alone. I’ve kept myself apart from all the people around me. I’ve avoided making any real friends, don’t spend too much time with any one person and I definitely can’t let myself fall in love again. Because now I’m afraid, afraid of killing them, but most of all, I’m afraid of becoming attached and then losing them. It literally destroys a part of me every time and I’m really not sure I can handle any more of it.

Losing Sam broke my heart. I felt like it was literally ripped from my chest and I was left struggling to breathe, fighting just to survive. I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to suffer that loss, that pain, that crippling agony I can still feel even now, weeks after he died.

He was the only person I told all of this to, the one person who I confided my deepest, darkest secrets in. I was only nineteen when I first met him and I’d already lost six people by then. By the time I eventually told Sam, we’d been together for almost a year. I should have told him earlier, I know that now. Had I known for sure, I never should have been with him in the first place, but I was young and I fell in love and I wanted him, simple as that. He came into my life at a time when I really needed him and that made it very hard to walk away.

After I told him, he did take it all very seriously, even though I don’t think he ever really believed me.

"Maybe it’s just dumb luck Ash?" he would say, trying to convince me. "You know, just the wrong place at the wrong time?"

As the years went on, a small part of me wanted to believe that was the reason, although really, the evidence was stacking against me. But, he was still alive. After years of us together, Sam stayed alive. Whenever we talked about it, whenever I suggested we break up so he would be safe, or when I half-heartedly picked a fight with him out of fear, he laughed a little. But not in a demeaning way, more of a – you’re silly, but cute and I still love you kind of way, before he kissed me and said what he always said.

"But I’m still here babe."

God I really wish he was. I miss him so badly. Miss the easy conversation we had and the easy silences we could sit in. I miss just seeing his face every morning when I wake up or the press of his lips on the back of my neck every night when I go to sleep.

In the end though, I never could convince him to leave and I couldn’t find the courage to walk away from him either. It was selfish of me I know that now, but like I said, I was in love with him and I needed him.

But now he’s gone and I have no one. I’m lonely and I’m miserable. I wake up every morning hating my life and the way I have to live it. I want to have friends, I wish I still had my family and I really want someone to love, someone who loves me in return. I really just want Sam back.

Mostly, I think it should be me who’s the one dying.

∞

Since being born, I’ve been responsible for twelve deaths. I know most people experience some form of death throughout their life, but with me it’s very different. I just don’t think it’s normal for a twenty-five year old to lose that many people, and certainly not in the way I’ve lost them. I’m not saying I’ve directly killed anyone, but every death can be traced back to me, to something I did which ultimately resulted in their death.

Every single one of them.

The first person who died was my mother. I hadn’t been in this world for long, only one minute, before I lost her. Of course my birth was the reason for her death. Unforseen complications they called it. I never expected to be an unforseen complication. Then again, I never really expected any of this. I grew up with that hanging over me, an unforseen complication who killed her mother. My Dad always said that was crap, that it wasn’t my fault. But if I hadn’t been born, she never would’ve died, would she?

There never seemed to be any rhyme or reason to the deaths, why some lived longer than others, or even how frequently it happened. After the first one, I got a break for ten years. But then it came back. My Dad survived the first twenty-one years of my life, yet with Adam, it was only six months. With Sam I got five years, but it could’ve been forever and it still wouldn’t have been long enough.

To look at me you’d probably never see this problem I have, and I certainly don’t go around advertising it. On the outside I try to lead what I think looks like a regular life, doing all the normal things people do – work, pay my bills and occasionally go to the movies or something. In reality though it’s nothing like that because I can’t form any attachments, can’t have any real friends, don’t have a family and I definitely can’t fall in love again.

So in fact, my life is far from normal, it’s actually complete shit.

These last few weeks since Sam died have been tough. I stopped working for the first couple because I just couldn’t drag myself out of bed in the morning. I lost loads of weight and probably became a borderline alcoholic. I would spend days looking at old photos of us, willing him to come back to me. Nights I would spend drinking and crying, trying not to fall asleep so I wouldn’t have to face the horrifying nightmare all over again. The same nightmare repeated every single night of that one fateful day. It’s hard to know what’s worse, having to go through it in the first place or reliving it every night since.

Back then, after it first happened, I felt like I was drowning. Sinking into a pool of blackness that I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to crawl out of, or if I even wanted to. I didn’t think it would matter anyway, because who would miss me. All of the people I loved and cared about were already gone.

When I found his letter, it was a very bad day. I wasn’t in a good place and I was really, really drunk, systematically working my way through our entire alcohol collection. I discovered the letter sitting under the last bottle we had. I guess he knew me well.

Even in my drunken stupor, I stopped short to look at the plain white envelope that had For Ash written across the front in his writing. I must have eventually passed out because when the nightmare woke me the next morning, I was lying on the floor with a pounding headache, a puddle of scotch beside me and a crumpled envelope in my hands. I didn’t want to read it like that, just a pool of drunken depression on the floor of our apartment, so I dragged myself into a scolding hot shower and tried to wash away the disgust I had for myself. When I was clean, I pulled on one of Sam’s t-shirts, made a strong cup of coffee, curled up in the bed we shared, took a deep breath and read his words.

I’m now back at work, although it took another week of reading that letter over and over again to convince me to get there. I still don’t want to be here, but I owe it to Sam. I owe it to him to try at least, although I know if he saw me, he would say I’m not trying at all.

It’s funny, since I found the letter I’ve found other things he did around the place. Little things I’d never noticed before, because I guess I’d always been too busy looking at him. Now when I look in the bathroom mirror, I see the cheesy little heart with our initials in it that he drew in the corner with my eyeliner pencil. Now when I roll over in bed, I see the words goodnight Ash written on the side of the bedside table in black marker pen. The same words he whispered to me every night before pressing a kiss to the back of my neck.

He did this for me.

All of it he did for me, because he knew exactly how I would feel when he was gone and he wouldn’t be here to make it better. It makes me love him even more.

∞

Work is different since I left. For one thing, there’s a new guy. They brought him in when I wasn’t at work, but evidently they’re keeping him. I think it’s an attempt by the owner to revamp the place. The new guy seems nice enough, although I’ve noticed he’s always looking at me. I’ve stopped asking him, "What?" every time I catch him, because most of the time he just shrugs, smiles and goes back to work. The others I work with are more removed now too. Not quite avoiding me, but just being more cautious. For their sake it’s probably better this way.

I work in a book café on Newbury Street. It’s good, because when we’re quiet, Robert the owner doesn’t care if we read some of the books, as long as the work gets done. Most of the time, I’m behind the counter making coffees, selling books, or taking food and drinks out to customers. New guy is strictly food prep. I think he might actually be a qualified chef, so god knows what he’s doing in this place. I haven’t felt the need to ask him.

There are four permanent staff working here, five if Robert stops by, which is rare. There are a bunch of casuals too, but they rotate often enough that I never bother getting to know them. But the permanent people are me, the new guy, Sarah who does ordering, stocks shelves and serves like me, and Liam, who washes dishes, cleans tables and does whatever else needs to be done. Sarah is fine, easy-going and I guess we’re friends in as much of a way as I’ll ever allow. Liam is a dickhead, who I try to ignore most of the time. I’ve never liked him and I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon. He seems to talk to the new guy though. None of them know about me and my little problem, although Liam and Sarah obviously know about Sam. Sam used to come in most days to pick me up after work. He’d come in, browse the shelves if I was still working, maybe have a coffee, then when I walked out to go, he would stand up and kiss me, wrap his arm around my waist and whisper in my ear, "Let’s go home." God I miss that.

So when I finally come back, Sarah and Liam are sympathetic but noticeably distant. I’m sure they wonder what happened, it was strange, the circumstances surrounding Sam’s death, but Sarah at least is nice enough not to ask any questions. I appreciate her for that. I guess they’ve probably told the new guy too, he doesn’t ask me any questions either, just gives me those strange looks.

So now, here I am, back at work. Weeks after I lost Sam and still desperately trying to believe the words he left for me. Trying to live as he asked me to, but knowing really, I’m failing quite spectacularly.

∞

Today is Friday and the rain that’s been falling all week has finally stopped. When I arrive at work it’s only me and the new guy, who by now is no longer new guy, but Luke. We are now also on speaking terms or at least terms that don’t involve him just looking at me and me asking, "What?" in response. Now when I walk in, it’s more like –

"Hey Luke, want a coffee?"

To which I get. "Yep, long black, thanks Ash."

Then I make us both coffee, take his back to him and we get on with our day. We are usually the only ones in there for the first hour or so and we might chat some more, but it’s never anything heavy and it’s never anything personal. For that I’m extremely grateful.

Only today for some reason, something changes. Today when I take Luke his coffee, something startles him as I walk into the kitchen and his knife slips. It feels the same as any other morning, except today the knife slips. When it happens, it’s like watching it all unfold in slow motion and no matter how much I want to, I’m unable to turn away or stop it. I see the blood pool in his hand and reflected back in the shiny metal of the knife. I see drops fall to the floor, dark red stains on white tile and instantly my body reacts. My hands let go of the coffee mugs which fall and shatter at my feet. At the same time Luke says, "Shit," loudly and I feel the heat of the coffee on my legs. I ignore the burn because it’s not important right now.

This can’t be because of me, it’s too soon. This can’t be because of me.

I want to say something, anything, but it’s Luke who speaks first, turning and asking, "Ash, you okay?"

I glance down at his hand again, there’s a lot of blood and it’s hard to see how much damage he’s done to himself. I force myself to take a deep breath. I step over the hot coffee that’s now all over the floor and walk towards him.

"Ash?" he asks me again. "Are you okay?"

I nod my head before grabbing a towel and pressing it to his hand. I don’t look at his face, but keep my eyes on the towel. The blood isn’t soaking through yet and I hope that it won’t. If it doesn’t, it won’t be that serious. If it’s not that serious then Luke will be alright.

"I’m okay Ash, it’s okay," Luke says softly, closing his hand around the towel. "Just a hazard of the job," he continues, a small smile on his face as he bends down to look at me. "It’s not the first time I’ve done this."

This is as close as I’ve ever been to him and it’s making me uncomfortable. I should step away, but for some stupid reason, I do the complete opposite.

"You need to wash this cut," I say quietly as I pull him towards the sink.

I turn on the water, trying to get the temperature right before I gently move his hand under. I hear him wince as the warm water washes over the cut but he doesn’t pull away. I keep my eyes away from his face but find myself watching our hands, my fingers as they gently wash away the blood. His blood is on my hands now and I can’t help but think how true that could be, how very likely.

I have to move away, the sight of that cut and the blood is more than I can stomach right now. I rinse my hands quickly, I feel sick and I have to get away from him. The blood, I can’t stand it. His closeness, I can’t stand it. I need to get away from him but before I can, it happens. Suddenly I’m forced forward as I throw up into the sink. It happens before I can stop it. I taste the bile in my throat, feel my stomach as it clenches, forcing whatever’s in there out and I don’t even think about the fact Luke’s standing right next to me. It hits me before I can move and before I know what’s happening, I’m being sick in the sink.

"Ash, are you okay?" Luke asks me again, for what feels like the hundredth time.

I can’t answer him. I spit out the remnants of my stomach and hold my mouth under the water. I have to rinse a couple of times to clean it out and it’s only when I finally lift my head, do I realise that Luke is holding my hair back. That he’s been holding my hair back while I throw up. His other hand clutches the towel again, but I can’t see any more blood. I finally lift my eyes to his face and look at him. I must look like shit.

"Ash," he says gently, still holding my hair.

I hold a hand to my mouth, my breath must be awful. "Sorry," I mumble.

His hand releases my hair, lightly brushing it down my back as he does. "It’s alright," he says. "Come and sit down."

I yank some paper towel from the dispenser and wipe my mouth. "I’ll get you another coffee," I say as I move away from him.

"It’s alright Ash, don’t worry about the coffee, just sit down for a second," he says, reaching for my arm.

I quickly back away from him and go out the front to make us more coffee. My heart is pounding, pounding at the sight of all that blood, at the closeness of Luke, at touching his hands, at him touching me. There’s never been blood before; I’ve never had to see that. But he is okay, I tell myself. It doesn’t happen like this, it never has. I shake my head, trying to clear it and walk back out to the kitchen with fresh cups of coffee for both of us. My hands are gripping the hot mugs to stop them from shaking.

When I walk in, I see Luke trying to bandage his hand. The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. "Do you need help?"

He smiles at me then, gesturing with his other hand and saying, "It’s all good Ash, really, just sit down for a second."

I walk toward him, putting our coffees on the counter this time and take the bandage from his hand. "Ash…" he says. He’s standing close to me again, watching as I now bandage up his hand, completely oblivious to the fact that I don’t want to be anywhere near him. I have to force myself to stand here and try to still my hands as they gently wrap the bandage around his. Why am I doing this?

"Do you think you need stitches?" I ask him quietly.

He laughs softly and I feel his breath across my face. It sends a shiver through me and my stomach clenches.

"No, it’s fine. Are you sure you’re alright though?" he asks gently.

I finally answer without looking at him. "Yeah, it’s just the blood, too much blood."

"I can get it," he says quietly, and I hear the concern in his voice.

"I’m almost done," I say quickly. When I finally tie off the bandage, I step back immediately. My hip bangs into the counter and I reach for my coffee, inadvertently picking up his.

"Shit!" I breathe out. "How do you drink this stuff, it tastes disgusting?" I like my coffee with a lot of milk.

He laughs at me now, his face softening. "You need to put sugar in it, one big one should do." He moves away from me and I watch as he flexes his bandaged hand, testing it and then stirs in some sugar before handing the cup back to me. We watch each other across the top of the mug and I see his eyes drop to my mouth as I take a sip. I don’t want to be this close to him.

"Better?" he asks.

"Better yes, still not sure how you drink it though." I hand the cup back to him.

"Finish it," he says softly, "you’ll like it by the end." Luke picks up my mug with his other hand, the one that isn’t cut and takes a sip of my coffee now.

And just like that, we’ve shared something.

Just like that, I know something personal about him and he knows something personal about me. Okay, it’s only coffee, it’s not deeply personal, but I still shouldn’t be doing this. I should turn and walk away. I have work to do and so does Luke, although really, I know it’s more than that. But in silent agreement, we both stand there finishing each other’s coffees. Luke is now drinking my coffee as he watches me and I’m leaning against the counter trying to work out why I can’t just walk away.

∞

I first met Sam at a funeral. I know, a bad omen, but like I said, back then I wasn’t as clued in to my little issue as I am now. It was my neighbour and best friend Nate’s funeral. He wasn’t the first death I caused, but like all of them, his death was caused by me. The strange thing is how much his death changed other things, but in ways I never expected.

Nate and I had become really close over the last few years, bonding over a shared admiration for my older brother’s friends, which led to Nate admitting to me that he liked boys better than girls. I think I was the first person he told and it somehow allowed us to connect and become good friends. I was glad to have him to talk to; happy he was someone I could be myself with. He was just relieved to have someone who accepted him for who he was. Plus, there was none of that, I like you, but you don’t like me shit between us. We were just friends.

We hung out a lot, even though we didn’t go to school together. Nate was hoping to go to college after school and I wasn’t entirely sure what I planned to do. He was really smart and would occasionally help me with my school work. So we spent a lot of time together, him helping me and me usually pretending I understood what he was talking about. In amongst all that, he eventually told me he was gay and confessed to wanting to get to know me after he saw my brother’s friends coming around.

I laughed at first, explaining that I was pretty sure they were all straight. In the end it didn’t really matter whether they were or not, what mattered was that Nate and I became friends.

The night Nate died, was because of me. He’d come home for the weekend, bringing his latest boyfriend with him and they’d taken me out dancing to a new club in town. I’d been the one to suggest it. I’d been bugging Nate to take me there ever since it opened. As always he’d obliged, neither Nate nor Alex minding if I tagged along. In the end it had been a disaster.

When we left the club sometime after 1am, we were all drunk. We shouldn’t have been, given we were only nineteen, but we all had fake IDs. What it meant was when we ran into a bunch of rednecks who seemed intent on yelling obscenities at me, Nate felt the need to step in and protect me. Of course people like that seem to have this inbuilt detector for someone who is different to them and they immediately recognised that Nate was gay and therefore in their eyes, likely to try and molest them in some way.

That was when their attention turned from me to him.

We tried to stop it, we really did. Alex and I tried everything, but there were just too many of them. And they all went after Nate. By the time I ran to find someone, Nate had probably already suffered the cerebral haemorrhage that killed him. One day later they turned off his life support and he was pronounced dead.

I struggled to face both Alex and Nate’s family after that. I felt so responsible for what had happened. If I’d never asked him to take me out, if we’d never left when I suggested we go somewhere else, if I’d never worn that outfit, maybe those assholes would’ve missed us. Maybe they would’ve walked by if I wasn’t there and Nate would still be alive.

I missed my best friend so badly, but the guilt I felt for what had happened, was overwhelming.

Nate’s funeral was a pretty big event in the end. At college he was very popular, out and proud and had a lot of friends. I remember noticing how good they all looked, even in mourning they managed to look good. I also remember thinking how funny Nate would find it, that even now I was getting annoyed at how many good looking guys were gay.

"What, so you can have them all but I can’t?" he’d always ask me, a smile on his face.

"No, that’s not what I meant and you know it," I’d say, throwing something at him. "What I meant is all gay men are pretty and hardly any straight men are, so why do you get them all and I don’t?"

He would just laugh again and say to me, "Trust me Ash, there’s someone out there for you and he’ll be the prettiest thing you’ve ever seen in your life!"

I’d hoped he was right, but when I first saw Sam at the funeral, the only thing I thought was he had to be gay, because he was just so good looking.

Afterwards, there’d been a wake at Nate’s parent’s house. I didn’t really want to go because I didn’t know many of the people; Nate had left Providence and made so many friends. So instead, I sat on my own front porch and watched them all come and pay their respects to his family.

I was watching them when Sam came up to me.

"You don’t want to come and join us?" he’d asked, standing at the bottom of the steps in a black suit and tie, which he’d loosened along with undoing the top button of his shirt.

I looked up at him and felt something catch in my throat. "I don’t know, I don’t really know anyone," I somehow managed to get out.

He walked straight up my steps, stuck his hand out to me and said, "I’m Sam."

I reached out my arm and he took my hand in his soft, warm one. It was bigger than mine and I felt his fingers wrap all the way around, holding my hand completely in his. "Ash," I replied shyly.

"Now you know me, so come on over," he said smiling and still holding onto me as he pulled me up off the step.

I tried to protest but he ignored it, continuing to hold onto me as though he thought I might try and escape. We went into the house and Sam took us straight into the kitchen where he grabbed a couple of beers. He popped the tops off, handed me one and leant back against the counter waiting for me to do the same thing. I took a sip of the beer, tried not to choke on it and stood there staring at the floor and wondering why he was being so nice to me.

"So ah, how did you know Nate?" I finally asked him, after we stood there in silence for what felt like hours, but couldn’t have been more than seconds.

"We went to school together," Sam answered. "He and I both studied computer science."

"Oh so you’re a computer nerd too then?" I responded without really thinking.

Sam laughed. He had a great laugh that was deep and genuine. "I don’t know about nerd, that was pretty much Nate’s game. I battled through and was just glad he was there to help me out all the time."

"Yeah," I smiled. "He used to help me with my math homework in high school. I pretty much pretended to understand what he was talking about most of the time." I confessed, taking a sip of beer as I snuck another look at Sam.

He was looking back at me, watching me with an amused look on his face. "Yeah me too," he answered quietly. We both continued drinking our beers, neither of us saying anything more as we each remembered Nate. Suddenly Sam took one last swig, put the bottle down and stepped towards me. "Wanna get out of here?" he asked, his brown eyes taking on an intensity I hadn’t seen earlier.

"Sure," I said without thinking, quickly finishing my own beer.

I followed Sam out of the house and down the street to his car. He unlocked the door for me and we both slid in. As he turned the key, music came softly from the radio, one of my favourite bands. I recognised it instantly and leant over to turn the volume up without thinking. Sam just smiled at me and pulled out onto the street.

We drove for a while, neither of us saying anything, just enjoying the music and the comfortable silence between us. Eventually when Sam approached the Pell Bridge I asked him, "We’re going to Newport?"

"I don’t know," he said turning to look at me. "I didn’t know if you wanted to stop driving yet?"

I remember being struck then by how easy it was to be with him. How he somehow understood I didn’t want to talk about Nate and what’d happened. That I was happy to just drive along, listening to music. But my stomach betrayed me, so I answered, "Yeah, let’s go into Newport, I’m starving."

He eventually found a parking spot outside a pub. It was a pub I’d been to before, popular but not too busy. The kind of place you could have a drink and a conversation. After we’d sat in a booth and ordered some food and drinks, I decided now would be a good time to work out which team Sam batted for.

"So, are you from around here?" I asked him.

"Nah, I’m from Seattle originally, but school up in Boston," he answered.

"And you still go to school there?" I asked. Nate had been in his second year at BU and I was assuming Sam was too.

"Yep, over half way through, another year then I’m outta there," he answered.

"Where to next then?"

Sam took a sip of his coke, giving me that strangely intense look again. "You know, Nate told me a lot about you," he said, not answering my question.

"What?" I asked, shocked, half spitting some of my drink back into the glass in surprise.

Sam smiled at me. "He told me a lot about you. At first I wondered if you were his girlfriend, but he cleared that up for me pretty quick."

"So you ah, you and Nate were…?" I couldn’t quite get it out, but Sam just laughed and said, "No, no we played on opposite teams."

Bingo I thought to myself. "So just friends then?" I said out loud to Sam.

"Just friends," he confirmed, smiling as he ran a hand through his blonde hair.

We sat in silence until our food arrived. I didn’t know what Sam was thinking about, but I was suddenly thinking things were definitely looking up. I silently thanked Nate for whatever it was he’d told Sam that had made him come and talk to me.

After our food arrived, I finally got up the nerve to ask him. "So, are you going to tell me what it is that Nate said about me?"

Sam looked up at me and smiled. "Maybe," he answered teasingly.

"Come on, you can’t drop a bomb like that and then not tell me anything," I protested, taking a bite out of my burger.

He laughed, holding his hands up in surrender. "Okay, okay," he said, "I’ll tell you."

I waited for him to go on.

"He thought I should come back to Providence with him some time. That he should introduce us and I should take you out. Thought you and I would be a good match for each other," he finally said, his eyes never leaving mine.

I sat there with my burger halfway between my plate and my mouth. Wow I thought to myself, Nate really said that? Swallowing, I took a deep breath and asked, "And…..what do you think?"

Smiling Sam looked right at me and said, "I think like always, Nate was right."

And that was it. That was how Sam and I got together.

We spent the rest of the night with each other. After we finished dinner, we played some pool. Sam taught me how to hold the pool cue straight so I could actually hit the ball where I wanted to. I remember being surrounded by him, standing over me in that cheesy way you see in the movies, holding my hands in the right position, his body encircling mine. It felt so good. I felt so good wrapped up in him.

After the pub closed, Sam drove us to the beach and we took a blanket down to the sand and lay there talking and talking until the sun came up. Sam had to go back to Boston that day, but we’d had no sleep, so we went back to my place and crashed for a few hours. Lying on my bed together, Sam wrapped me in his arms and pressed what would be the first of so many kisses against the back of my neck, whispering, "Goodnight Ash," even though it was already morning.

I remember feeling so happy.

A couple of days later, after Sam was back in Boston, an envelope arrived in the post, addressed to me. Inside was a flyer for a show in Boston. A bunch of bands were playing at some theatre that night and one of them was my favourite, the one that had been playing on the radio when I first got in Sam’s car. I smiled, knowing who it was from. There was nothing else inside, but when I turned the flyer over, Sam’s address was written on the back.

I went to Boston that afternoon and never really came back.

∞

Saturday night. I’m home and doing nothing. After work, I thought about going to a movie, but the rain is back and in the end I come home and do what I normally do on a Saturday night. Drink, feel sorry for myself, listen to depressing music and generally try to put off falling asleep so I don’t have to face the same nightmare again.

In other words, a great night in.

But like yesterday, today something different happens. Tonight when I pointlessly check my email, this is there;

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: Thanks

Ash – hey I just wanted to say thanks for yesterday.

Sorry, I know it made you uncomfortable, but well, thanks for your help.

Luke

To which I automatically and without thinking, reply.

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:Thanks

How did you get this email address?

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE: Thanks

From work? We all have them. I took a chance you actually checked yours

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:Thanks

But it uses my real name? I never told you my real name?

I hardly ever go by Asha. It’s not that I don’t like it; it’s just pretty much everyone shortens it. I’ve always just been Ash and it’s what everyone calls me at work. It kinda surprises me he would even know it’s short for Asha, most people don’t.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: Thanks

Yeah about that, I tried a few different variations – and this was the only one that didn’t bounce back, so…now I guess I know your real name.

Anyway, seeing as I never got much of a chance to talk to you, I wanted to say thanks for the help yesterday with my hand. It’s feeling a lot better.

Okay, weird he worked it out; that he would even think it could be Asha. Weird he is emailing me at all.

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: Thanks

Resourceful…..and you’re welcome - I hope it gets better soon.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks

What are you doing right now?

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks

Emailing you.

I was being a smartass, but this whole thing just felt too strange. Luke has never emailed me before. The only person who ever really does is Robert, with details about my shifts. No one ever emails me because there isn’t anyone to email me.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks

Ok, I walked right into that one

I mean what were you doing before you were emailing me?

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks

Listening to music, drinking, nothing.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE:RE Thanks

What are you listening to?

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: Music

Lots of stuff, Stereophonics at the moment.

I don’t tell him what song.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE: Music

You need someone to listen and drink with?

Was he asking if I wanted to hang out with him? Possibly, probably. I didn’t know, but I was too far gone at this point anyway. I didn’t respond to him. He popped up again though.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE Music

Ash – am happy to come over or we could go out - whatever you want?

You ok?

Again with that question.

No. I’m not okay, of course I’m not, but I don’t want to drag him into it. I don’t need him to see me like this and I definitely don’t need him to get involved.

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE: Music

Yeah, I’m ok, thanks. Am gonna crash now. Night

A lie I know, but one that had to be told.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: Music

Well anytime, you let me know.

Good night Asha.

It was a really weird exchange between us. Out of the blue and very unexpected. I stumbled off towards my bedroom and did what I’d said, crashed. As much as I tried to put this off, sleeping was inevitable. And once again, plagued with the same nightmare that always seemed to work its way through, no matter how much alcohol I’d consumed. As always, I woke before the sun had come up, a strangled scream in my throat and my body shaking and covered in sweat, visions of that one day burnt into my eyes and brain.

And once again, I wondered, when any of this was ever going to stop.

This morning though, when I finally drag myself out of bed, my computer is still on and there is one more message from Luke. He must have sent it shortly after his last email last night, but I didn’t see it.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: I forgot

One other thing, my flatmate is organising a party in a couple of weeks.

Will you come along?

The guys from work will be there and I’d really like you to come…..

Shit. This is not good. This is definitely not good.

I know, despite what Sam’s letter said, despite what he asked me to do, this isn’t good. Because I just can’t do it.

I read his words again, trying once more to find a reason or a way out of all of this.

Dear Ash,

I know what you’re thinking. That this was your fault, that somehow, you caused this to happen. Let me say – YOU DIDN’T. I promise you, none of this is your fault - you don’t and never have caused any of it. It’s just dumb luck and wrong place, wrong time and a fucked up way of you having to go through life. I know you wouldn’t cause me to die, I know that because I love you and I know that you love me.

You are, without a doubt, the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I would never trade however long I was with you, for anything in the world, because to me, you are the world. You are my world.

I want you to be happy Ash. I want you to stop thinking you are doing this to people and I want you to go out there and live life. Be happy, travel the world, fall in love again and live. Know that no matter what, I always did and always will love you. One day I know I’ll see you again, but until then please be happy. I love you.

Sam x

But it doesn’t matter how many times I read it or try and convince myself his words are real, I’m never going to believe them.

After everything that’s happened, I just can’t.

Everything splits in two reflecting the dual nature of life

∞

Playlist:

1. A Beautiful Lie – 30 Seconds to Mars

2. Bad – U2

3. Straight Jacket Feeling – The All-American Rejects

∞

At work I function pretty much like a normal person. I’ll smile at the customers, help decide which books they should buy and make their coffee for them. But it’s all a façade, a mask that I wear to hide the real me underneath. The me I don’t want anyone to know about, the me that hurts people. The me that even I wish would just go away.

My life has become all about hiding things, myself especially. Having one version I show to the world and one, the real one, which I keep just for me. Trying to live like that is hard, confusing and exhausting. But I don’t have a choice; I have to keep them separate. I have to make it work, so I figure I have two possible options.

The first is living but staying away from everyone. Of course running away might help, but where would I move to? I know Boston and like living here. I don’t know where else I could go. Plus the same problems would eventually arise. People meet me, people want to get to know me, and people end up dying because of me.

The other, more obvious one is death. I have considered suicide, briefly. I’m not going to lie, it scares me. I don’t want to try it for the simple reason that I don’t actually want to die. What I want is to stop everyone else dying. The problem is I can’t seem to do that, so I’m forced to resort to option one.

Option one is in many ways, harder. So I do the only thing I can, I stay afraid, I keep my distance and I bury it. I pretend and I lie to everyone around me that my life is completely normal. Even though I know, deep down I’m really only lying to myself.

∞

At work the week after the email incident with Luke, I decide it’s best if I just ignore him. I’m not sure what inspired him to contact me like that, but for his own sake it’s best if I don’t encourage it.

Under any other circumstances, his attention would be flattering. But after everything that’s happened, it’s just too dangerous. The problem is, Luke seems determined not to ignore me now. It’s like he wants to talk to me. Now it’s not just a case of me asking, "Hey Luke, want a coffee," and getting a, "Yeah sure thanks," in return.

Now it’s, "Hey Ash, how are you today, you do anything interesting last night?"

What am I supposed to say to that? No I didn’t do anything interesting. I never do anything interesting because I can’t do anything interesting by myself and I can’t ask anyone to do anything interesting with me. But of course that’s not what I say to him. Instead, I become the other me and I lie. "Yeah, hung out with a friend, watched a movie, you know."

He smiles in response and says, "Cool, maybe we should catch a movie sometime," in an off-hand way that half makes me think he doesn’t really mean it, and half makes me wonder if he does. My mask stays in place though. I smile, say nothing and go back to whatever it was I was doing.

Problem is, the mask occasionally slips and when it does, the real me gets out.

And that’s what happens today.

We have these two fish in a little tank on the counter in the shop. They’re nothing special, just regular gold fish, but I like them. I never had a pet growing up which is probably for the best when you think about it. Even though I have no real interaction with these two, I like coming in and finding them in the mornings. I feed them, maybe chat to them a little and then just get on with my day. This is pretty much what happens today. Except when I come back to the front after taking Luke his coffee, one of the fish has jumped out of the tank and is now flopping around on the counter.

"Shit," I say without thinking.

I don’t realise how loud I’ve said it until Luke comes out from the kitchen. "What’s up, everything alright Ash?"

I’m trying to pick the fish back up. It’s half jumping out of my hands, its last breath leaving its tiny body, and half slipping out. When it falls on to the floor, I bend to pick it up.

"Shit," I say again, dropping it back into the water. Luke is standing beside me now, a half smile on his face as he watches me try and rescue this stupid fish that’s apparently just decided to commit suicide. As I stand there watching the tank, one fish swimming alone in the bowl and one fish having thrown itself to its death, I can’t help but wonder if this is a sign or something. If maybe I should be seeing more here.

Which is the better option – all alone or all over?

Watching the dead fish now floating on the surface and the other fish coming up to it, as though it’s trying to ask what’s wrong, I wonder whether I should even be thinking about this at all. Should I just stop thinking and actually do something? The idea makes my head hurt and I have no idea what any of it means.

And just like that, I can feel myself slipping. Suddenly the mask I try so hard to keep in place, feels like it’s falling off. Suddenly every painful secret that I hold inside of me wants to come out, as though they’re all trying to escape like this stupid, dead fish. I can feel myself sliding and even though I’m trying desperately to hold on, today it’s just not enough.

With my hands on the counter, I lean down and press my head between them. "Shit," I mumble again.

"Hey Ash, it’s just a fish," I hear Luke say gently.

A deep breath escapes me. Of course it’s just a fish. It’s nothing more, it’s not a sign.

"Yeah I know Luke." My voice is flat and sounds foreign, even to me. "Just a stupid fish."

And that’s when I feel it. His hand. On my back. Gently rubbing it.

He doesn’t say anything, just slowly rubs circles on my back. I’m too scared to move, to even acknowledge what he’s doing. How did we go from me making him coffee, to him comforting me because of a stupid dead goldfish? This shouldn’t be happening. No one has touched me since Sam and now Luke has done it, twice. Inside, my body is rebelling, trying to tell me to get up, trying to make my head lift up off the counter and my legs walk away from him. Move, I’m screaming on the inside, while somehow remaining frozen in place on the outside. This isn’t good, he really shouldn’t be touching me.

Eventually it’s Luke who moves. He leans over me, scoops out the dead fish with his hand and takes it somewhere to get rid of it. I feel his whole body as it presses against mine and it’s all I can do not to explode in response.

Because when he does this, it all comes flooding back.

The longing to be touched again, to be comforted as he has unknowingly just done. No matter how much I pretend I don’t want it, I still do, I still want all of it. It’s so unbelievably painful, still so raw. But, no matter what I think I might want, it’s overridden by the fear. The fear of what could and what I know will happen in the end.

Only when he’s gone, do I get up. Only when he’s gone, do I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding. Only when he’s gone, do I blink away the tears that have somehow formed in my eyes. And it’s only when he’s gone, that I finally let myself register the warmth from when his body touched mine, the warmth that I want so badly and which I now realise is missing.

I move away from the counter so by the time he comes back, I’m doing something else. I’m far enough away that he can’t touch me again. Luke doesn’t say anything, just watches me for a minute as if trying to work out whether he should say something more, before turning and heading back into the kitchen.

I don’t look at him at all.

I can’t.

∞

That first touch, that unexpected but not entirely unwanted first touch. I can remember when it happened for the very first time, so clearly, even now. His name was Adam and I fell desperately in love with him. What began as a high school crush turned into so much more because for some reason, he took a chance on me. I’d never thought I stood a chance, but really in the end, it was him that didn’t. I just didn’t know it at the time.

I’d admired him from afar for so long, a typical unrequited school girl crush I had no intention of doing anything about. It wasn’t just that he was a year above me and therefore way out of my league; I was also too shy, too afraid of the rejection. Adam was the kind of guy who stood out, but who managed to do so without being a complete dick about it. He was good at sports and friendly to everyone, and although he was part of the "in crowd," he wasn’t the most popular guy in school. I’d seen him with a couple of different girls from time and time, but had never heard the rumours like I’d heard with some of the others. He just seemed to be the kind of person who everyone really liked, but who was also nice to people at the same time. I think that was part of his appeal, he was nice and he was hot, but it was like he had absolutely no idea about it. Still, I knew I was never going to be one of the people he spoke to, let alone had anything to do with.

But for reasons I still don’t understand, apparently he’d noticed me too and in the end it was Adam who made the first move. I was in the library at the time, trying to do some homework. He’d wandered over and was standing there just staring at me.

"You want some help with that?" he finally asked.

I looked up and saw him standing there, waiting for my answer. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I needed help, but did I really want to admit that to him of all people?

"Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude or anything, but the look on your face kinda suggests you might?" he continued, the start of a smile forming on his mouth as he said it.

I didn’t know if he was making fun of me or not, none of his friends were around, so I breathed out, took a chance and said, "Yeah I don’t really understand it actually."

So Adam sat down and that was the start of it. I was sixteen at the time, he was a year older and from that day on, he’d ask me if I wanted help with my homework. It started off as just help. I’d be in the library every lunch anyway and every couple of days he would come in. He just kept asking me and so I kept on saying yes.

Then one day he asked instead, "How come you’re always in here at lunch?"

I felt myself blush. I was in here every day because I had no one out there to talk to, but how could I tell him that?

"Ash?" he said gently, his fingers reaching out and lightly touching my arm.

And that was when I felt it. The fire that immediately jolted through me in response to his touch, it was like nothing I’d ever felt before, indescribable and I’m sure my face flushed even more. If he hadn’t realised earlier, he surely must know now that I liked him. But I couldn’t even tell him why I spent my lunches hidden in the library, much less admit how I felt about him, so I just shrugged in response and ducked my head, hoping he wouldn’t see my embarrassment.

He must have, but his response to it surprised me. I nearly fell off my chair when he said, "Maybe you could have lunch outside with me one day?"

When I looked up at him I could see he was serious. I didn’t know what to say. I’d never been asked out by a guy before and now I felt even shyer. But his fingers were still lightly brushing my arm and he looked sincere when he said again, "I’d really like to have a lunch with you, not just help you with your homework."

"Why?" I couldn’t help but blurt out.

He smiled at me then, his fingers gently moving over my skin. "At first it was because I thought you were cute," he said, blushing a little now too. "I used to watch you sitting in here chewing on your pencil, a look on your face like you were trying to solve all the world’s problems. But then, when I finally worked up the courage to come and talk to you, I realised it was more than that." He was definitely blushing now and it made me feel a little better, made me start to think he meant what he was saying. "Then I started to realise how much I liked hanging out with you," he continued quietly.

I looked at him and smiled, before some newfound courage finally allowed me to answer.

"Me too."

I had lunch with him nearly every day after that and every day it became easier to believe it was real.

∞

Today when I come into work, the first thing I notice is the new fish. Now in addition to the gold fish, there is a black one swimming around in the tank with it. I’m standing here staring at the two of them when Luke comes out from the kitchen.

"Oh hey Ash, how are you?"

I can hear the concern in his voice today, so different to every other day when he first speaks to me. I turn to look at him. "You bought another fish?" God I must sound like a total idiot.

He shrugs as if it’s no big deal, even though I can see from his face he knows that it is. "Yeah I figured he’d be lonely in there without the company, so you know, I got him a friend."

God, if only he knew.

Luke’s watching me like he’s trying to work out if what he’s done is a good thing. I turn away to look at my new fish, swimming around with the old one. A new friend, someone to hang out with. This is definitely not a sign.

I turn back to look at Luke. "Thanks," I say. "Can I make you a coffee?"

Luke keeps watching me. Neither of us says anything for a minute before he finally asks, "Are you okay Ash?"

I swallow. I can’t let him in. I just can’t. It’s too dangerous. I try smiling. "Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for the fish, he’s cute. Coffee?"

I watch as he keeps looking at me. I can tell he isn’t buying it, but he says nothing except, "Yeah, that’d be great, thanks Asha," before heading back to the kitchen.

We don’t talk much for the rest of the morning, but after the lunchtime crowd has gone, Luke appears out the front again, this time with a plate in his hands.

"Here Ash, I made some lunch for you," he says, setting it down on the counter.

I’m wiping down the coffee machine, but stop and look over at him. This is a new development.

"Come and try it," he says, smiling at me as he nods his head towards the plate.

I wipe my hands on a cloth and walk over to stand in front of him. "Can I get you something to drink?" I ask as I glance down at the sandwich he’s made me. It’s huge and I’ll be lucky if I can eat even half of it. It looks really good though and my stomach makes a rumbling noise in response, one that’s loud enough for both of us to hear.

"Nah, I’m good thanks," Luke replies smiling as he stands there watching me.

I pick up one half and gesture to the other. "Help me out," I say to him.

Luke smiles at me again before leaning over to pick up the other half of the sandwich. We stand in silence, facing each other on opposite sides of the counter, sharing this sandwich Luke has made me. Between us is the fish tank and I can’t help but stare at it, sitting right here in front of us. I watch the two fish swim aimlessly around in circles, the old goldfish and the new black one, and I risk another quick glance up at Luke. He’s standing there watching me still, with a half smile on his face as he eats.

"What do you think?" he asks me, gesturing to the food in my hand.

I nod, finishing my mouthful. "Yeah it’s really good. Thanks for making it for me."

Luke’s smile gets a little bigger as he says, "No problem, I’m glad you like it. I thought I’d try something new and wanted to see what you thought." He’s watching me intently now and I get the feeling he’s going to say something else, but he doesn’t, just takes another bite.

I blink.

Suddenly, I’m not sure that the sandwich is the only thing we’re talking about here, but I can’t let myself read too much into it, it’s definitely not a sign.

∞

For two weeks we had lunch every day. Every day Adam would come to the library and get me, and we’d sit out on the lawn under a tree and have lunch together. At first I didn’t talk much, I was too nervous now we were out in the open and could never think of anything to say, but Adam just filled the silence. He talked and talked, telling me about his classes, playing basketball, anything. I loved listening to him, the sound of his voice, the ease with which he spoke, all of it. Gradually he took away my nervousness, gradually I started talking too, first only asking him questions, but eventually telling him things about me. For two weeks we did this, and then everything changed, again.

He kissed me and suddenly it all became very real. And he did it in the hall, at my locker in front of everyone, like he didn’t care who saw it. He just stepped in, his hand gently brushing my cheek as he pressed his lips to mine. I was so surprised I don’t think I did anything at first. I remember he pulled back a little and smiled at me. I remember he whispered, "I’ve been dying to do that for ages," before leaning in and gently kissing me again. I kissed him back this time but it wasn’t until much later that I thought about the words he’d just whispered to me.

The day after that kiss, Adam took me out on a date, even met my Dad. I was nervous as hell, but Adam was very cool about it all, shook my Dad’s hand, promised to have me home by midnight and didn’t touch me until we were in his Mom’s car. I nearly jumped out of my skin when he rested his hand on my leg as we drove off. He took me to a burger bar and then a movie. By the time we’d reached the movie theatre we were holding hands and I was finally starting to relax.

Before the movie was over we were making out and I was feeling positively magic. It was like everything just went away and I became someone else when I was with him. I don’t know how he did it but the shyness disappeared, my nervousness about what would happen, somehow Adam took all of that away. Everything disappeared and it became just me and him, just us.

When he leant over as the credits rolled and whispered in my ear, "I really like you Ash," I nearly melted. After that night Adam was officially my boyfriend and I was no longer so afraid.

By the time Adam and I had been together for six months, things went a lot further. I was pretty sure Adam had done it before, but me, it was my first time. I wasn’t scared about doing it though, not with him. So the night my Dad went out on one of his rare dates, I invited Adam over. I’m sure he guessed my intentions as soon as I opened the door, but he was good about it, and didn’t rush me when I told him, "Dad is out for the night, and won’t be home until much later."

He just smiled and asked if we should order some pizza. About two hours later though, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so when I suggested we go upstairs, Adam looked at me and said, "You sure?"

I smiled at him, pulling him up as I answered, "Yeah I’m sure."

"Ash," he said holding my hand. "I don’t want to rush you, or do anything you don’t want to do."

I stepped towards him then and kissed him quickly before answering, "I want to do this Adam. I really want to do this with you."

So we went upstairs and everything changed. Yes it hurt, but Adam was so gentle, so caring and he was always making sure I was alright. I was and I was very glad I’d waited, done this with him. I had no regrets, no worries. Right up until my Dad came home.

We must have dozed for a while, it’s the only reason I can think of for why Adam was still very much in my bed and very much naked when Dad came home. Luckily Adam had walked over, so his Mom’s car wasn’t in the drive, but we still had to find a way to get him out before my Dad saw him. I managed to yell out to Dad that I was awake and would be down in a second. When I turned around Adam was pulling his jeans on and looking petrified. I walked over to him and said, "Hey, it’s ok, slow down, he won’t come in, I promise."

Adam stopped and looked at me, his hand reaching out to smooth my hair back before he said, "Yeah but if he does and finds us like this, then I’m dead!"

I laughed quietly. "Yeah maybe, but he won’t come in, don’t worry."

"Thank god I couldn’t have the car," Adam whispered as he finished getting dressed. "I’ve never been more glad I had to walk in all my life."

When we were both dressed I looked at Adam and said, "You wanna go out the window? My brother used to do it all the time."

Adam stepped towards me then, a lot more relaxed now we both had our clothes on. "What I really want to do is crawl back into that bed with you," he whispered before kissing me gently. I could feel my legs turn to jelly, the want build up in me, the desire to try it all over again. "But I think maybe the window is a smarter option."

I smiled then, before leaning in to kiss him and whisper, "Thanks for coming over tonight."

He pulled me closer to him then, wrapping his arms around me as he said, "Thank you Ash, thank you."

And that’s when I knew I was head over heels in love with him. That’s when I knew, it really was real, and that he felt exactly the same way. Somehow without either of us saying it, I knew. The funny thing is, I never actually told Adam exactly how I felt about him. I was still too afraid to say those words and I guess a part of me wondered how real they were, I mean we were kids for god’s sake, what did we know.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t fallen for him, but other times I wouldn’t have traded those six months for anything and I just wish I could’ve told him how I felt, while I still had the chance. But in the end he died never knowing.

I wish that could absolve me from what happened, but it can’t and it never will. It was still all my fault.

∞

Late the next day, after Luke has once again made me some lunch, which we have once again eaten together, I’m walking into the kitchen to return the plate when I can’t help but overhear him on the phone. It’s hard not to as he seems pretty angry with whoever he’s talking to and is not exactly speaking quietly. I really need to get some milk from the cold room while I’m out here, so I drop the plate in the sink and silently walk over to it, trying very hard not to look at him or act like I’m listening to the conversation.

But I can’t help but hear some of it.

"….No! You can’t fucking do that!"

He sounds very angry.

"….you don’t control her, she’s an adult and you can’t tell either of us what to do anymore."

I wonder who he’s referring to, who he’s talking to like this. I slip into the cold room and wait there for a minute, my back resting against the cold wall. It’s nice sometimes, to escape in here, where the rest of the world is somewhere else and the cold temperature can dull everything. Still I hear fragments of conversation coming through.

"….fucking hell, why can’t you just accept it. Why can’t you stop trying to control everyone and everything? Why can’t you just listen to anyone for once in your life? Don’t fucking call me again!"

I’ve never heard Luke talk like this before, never heard him get angry at anything. Finally he stops yelling and I hear the sound of a phone being thrown against something hard, probably the kitchen wall. I look around the cold room trying to decide whether now’s a good time to walk back out. I secretly hope Luke has left the kitchen so I don’t have to see him, don’t have to let him know that I’ve heard the things he has said.

I quickly grab a two gallon bottle of milk and push the door open, taking a chance. When I step out, I see Luke is crouched down beside a phone that is now in several pieces on the floor. He looks up at me and I can see frustration and sadness on his face. He looks like he wishes he hadn’t done that, but that there was nothing he could do to stop it. I immediately feel bad for him and without thinking I crouch down and begin to pick up the pieces of shattered phone as well.

"Are you okay?" I whisper without looking at him, still picking up the tiny pieces of black plastic from the floor.

I see him reach over and throw all the pieces he has collected into the trash. "No, yes…I don’t know." He sounds very frustrated.

I stop and look at him. He’s still crouched on the floor, his hand running over the top of his head. "Do you want to talk about it?" I surprise myself by asking, wondering why I keep doing this with him.

He looks at me now, his hand reaching out to collect the phone pieces I’m holding. I drop them into his outstretched palm and watch as he throws them into the trash with the others. We are both crouched down, opposite each other. Neither of us says anything for what seems like ages and we are both now looking anywhere but at each other. Finally it’s Luke who speaks. "It’s okay Ash, it’s a long story, but thanks anyway."

"You sure," I ask again, surprised that I’m pushing this.

He stands up now and reaches out his hand for me. Without thinking I take it and let him pull me up. He doesn’t drop my hand straight away and I find myself holding my breath standing there waiting. My hand feels warm in his. His skin feels soft and smooth. Our fingers are almost laced together.

It hurts; this connection. It hurts how much I want it.

Luke smiles at me as he says, "I think I need to get a new phone."

I turn to look at the trash, slowly pulling my hand from his. "Yeah I think so," I answer quietly without looking back at him.

Before he leaves, Luke comes over to me on his way out of the shop. We are closed, but I’m busy counting the money in the till. I look up as he stands in front of me.

"Hey," he says quietly.

"Hey."

"Thanks for earlier," he says running his hand over his head again. "I’m sorry you had to hear that, see that."

I swallow before looking around. Neither Sarah nor Liam is nearby. I turn back to Luke. "I actually didn’t mean to hear anything," I say.

He smiles at me now. "Yeah I know you didn’t. It’s just, well I’m not normally like that. So sorry you had to see it and well, thanks."

I shrug and smile back at him. "It’s okay, sometimes phones need to be thrown."

He laughs a little now. "Yeah I guess sometimes they do"

"I have a spare one at home. You can have it if you want?" I’m not sure why I just said that, but it’s too late to take it back now, and it’s not like Sam’s ever going to need his phone again.

Luke says nothing at first, just smiles at me. Finally when I’m about to tell him not to worry about it, he responds. "Thanks Ash, but it’s okay. Goodnight, I’ll see you tomorrow," before walking out the door.

"Goodnight," I whisper too late.

I wonder what any of that was about.

∞

I wasn’t going to go to Adam’s funeral. I just couldn’t face the prospect of saying goodbye to my first real boyfriend, especially after everything that had happened, after that night with him. In the end Dad convinced me I should go, said it was a chance to say goodbye, get some closure or something. I’m sure deep down a part of him knew what had really happened that night. Why else would Adam have been where he was when he died. There was only one place he could have been coming from, only one person he would have been seeing. Dad had to have known, but he never said anything and I never could bring myself to admit it out loud either.

It was Dad who had found out what happened first. It was the following day when Adam’s Mom rang our house. Dad answered because I was still in bed, trying to hang on to the smell of Adam as he lingered on my sheets. She told Dad what’d happened and then Dad told me. It didn’t make the pain any less having Dad tell me, but at least someone was there to hold me when I found out.

They said Adam was walking home really early Sunday morning when he’d been hit by a car. Whoever hit him hadn’t stopped and it was the driver in the car behind who saw the whole thing. They aren’t sure if the driver who hit him was drunk, but they were definitely speeding.

Adam was left lying on the side of the road. Massive internal injuries apparently. Dead before the ambulance even got there. There was a witness, who stopped, called the police. They waited with him while he slowly died on the side of the road. It was the emergency room doctors who called his parents. They came and identified the body. The police were still investigating, trying to find the driver. They had a partial plate number, but it had been dark and it had all happened so quickly. Of course he never should have been walking home at that time. Never should have been walking home at all.

All through the funeral, as the priest droned on and on, all I could see were images of that last night with him. The moment when he came upstairs and into my room. My racing heart, my open curtains and the moonlight streaming in. His skin, the feel of it against mine. His kisses. And his touch, the touch of his fingers on my body, how much I wanted it, how much I wanted more of it.

And all I could think about as I sat there staring at his coffin, is how much I wished I’d said I love you. I had so many chances during that night, when he’d held me wrapped in his arms as though he was trying to hold us both together. I wish I’d just said it, even if he never said it back to me.

But I didn’t and that was the last time I ever saw him. The last time he ever held or kissed me. The first and only time I ever felt his skin against mine. And sitting there at his funeral, all I could do now was silently tell him that I loved him, knowing he would never hear me say the words at all.

∞

When I fell in love with Sam, I wasn’t going to waste time waiting to tell him how I felt. I knew it as soon as I met him. And I knew I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to tell him either, not again, not like last time. The funny thing was, in the end it was Sam who said it first. And he said it so naturally, so unexpectedly that for a second I wasn’t sure whether it really happened. For a second it looked as though even he didn’t fully realise what he’d just said out loud.

We’d only been together for about two weeks. I was still staying in his room in the tiny cramped apartment he shared with Simon and Brandon, but had finally landed myself a job. I’d started paying rent and buying food, but I still got the feeling that neither of those two liked me bunking down here too much. That maybe I was cramping their style and they were starting to resent the fact I was living with them all. But every time I’d brought it up with Sam, all he said was, "I don’t really care what they think Ash. I want you to be here."

"Yeah but it’s uncomfortable them not wanting me here Sam," I said. "I feel like I’m intruding all the time."

"I’ll talk to them babe, I promise I’ll talk to them both."

I was lying in bed watching him get ready for school. He had an early class that day but I didn’t start work till lunch time. "You will?" I asked him.

I remember he walked back towards the bed, which was really just a double mattress on the floor, where he knelt down and kissed me before saying, "I will Ash, I promise I will. I gotta go, I love you babe."

We both froze after those words were out. I was looking at him waiting, trying to see if they were said as a mistake, whether he wanted to take them back. He was looking at me as though he was expecting me to freak out because he’d just said those words out loud.

But then he smiled at me, lent down and kissed me again before he said, "Too soon?"

"No, not too soon," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "Not if it’s true."

As his hand brushed my hair back, Sam said to me, "Yeah it’s true Ash. I love you."

Sam didn’t get to class that morning after all. When I said the same words back to him, we kind of had other things on our mind.

Threes; they can be evil, charms, wishes or simply the basis for harmony in music

∞

Playlist:

1. Bittersweet symphony – The Verve

2. Count on me – Bruno Mars

3. Make it without you – Andrew Belle

∞

I’ve always hated situations where I’m not going to know anyone. It’s why I couldn’t go to Nate’s wake and it’s why I never really made any friends. I don’t know why I can’t do it, but I just find it difficult. Difficult to talk to people, even before all of this other crap started.

Because of this, I’ve been called aloof, a bitch and much worse. To be honest, I no longer care. What I really am is incredibly shy, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Now it just makes my life simpler, because people find it easier to ignore me when they have this opinion of me. It’s better for everyone that I’m seen like this because then there’s less chance they’ll get to know me and less chance they’ll end up dead.

∞

I don’t know what to do about Luke’s party. We aren’t friends, not by a long stretch, but I know he’s going to keep asking me to come along. He’s already mentioned it three more times since he sent that email inviting me. It’s not that I don’t like him; that has nothing to do with it. There’s definitely something about him that intrigues me. It’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, he’s different to what I expected.

The problem is, these days I know it’s a dangerous thing for someone to get to know me, to want to know me. Even though we aren’t actually friends yet, it will happen eventually and then everything will change.

After the cut hand, the dead fish and the phone incident, Luke and I have been circling, like sharks. By day I avoid him, but by night he emails me. A lot. Most of the time, I find myself emailing him back. It’s a lot easier when neither of us is face to face and to be honest it’s nice to have someone to talk to again. He must know something’s wrong with me, yet he still keeps talking to me. And that’s what has me confused, why does he? None of the stuff we talk about is very serious, I mean it’s hard to work out exactly what we could possibly have in common anyway, but he talks to me, for some unknown reason he talks to me.

But then, when we see each other at work, I still find it all pretty awkward. After everything that’s happened I feel too exposed, because he’s seen a part of the real me that I usually manage to keep hidden. I know it’s more than that; it’s that when he saw it, he didn’t run away. If anything, it’s only encouraged him, because now he seems to see a lot more, or wants to anyway. This makes me feel very nervous.

His party is this weekend and I still don’t know whether I’m going. I haven’t been to a party in months, not since Sam was alive and it makes me feel a little sick at the thought of walking into one now, especially where I won’t know anyone. In any case I don’t actually know where Luke lives, so that may solve my problem. Of course I could just ask him, but that would be too easy.

On Saturday however, when I come to work, my problem is invariably solved. Today there is a post-it note stuck on my coffee machine. All it says is;

3/303 Huntington Ave

8pm

I guess this is where he lives. I take the note off and put it in my pocket. I make Luke his coffee and take it out to him.

"Hey, thanks Ash," he says when I put it down. "So you’re coming tonight right?"

I look at him. He has a face of expectation, almost like a little kid who thinks he’s getting something he’s been asking about for ages. It’s almost enough to make me smile, almost.

"I’ll try," is all I can promise.

"Well I hope to see you there," he says as I turn and walk out to the front.

There’s a small part of me that almost wants to go. Like I said, I have nothing against Luke. In fact he’s been nothing but nice to me since I came back to work. He doesn’t ask me questions about what happened with Sam and he doesn’t force me to talk. By emailing me, it’s almost like he knows I prefer the removed contact, like he knows it’s the only thing I can cope with right now. There is the whole staring at me thing, which he does an awful lot, but as much as it makes me uncomfortable, there are worse things than having someone like him staring at you.

Which I guess brings me to the obvious problem. The one I can’t help but notice and definitely can’t ignore. He is good looking, really good looking. And yes if I’m being honest, then I’m probably in some small way, attracted to him. There’s no denying it, I’m only human and like all women, I can certainly appreciate an attractive guy when he walks in the room. They’re nice to look at and of course it’s always flattering when they pay attention to you. For me though, that just brings a whole host of problems with it.

He’s a lot taller than me, a lot taller than Sam was too. Not that I’m comparing them, I mean they look nothing alike, but it’s hard not to notice that difference. He has dark hair, which he keeps shaved very close to his head. He’s not bald; his hair is just very short. He comes to work in jeans and various different t-shirts featuring bands or some other logo and every morning he changes into a chef’s outfit. Both options work for him. I mean he just looks really good, period. Without even trying, he looks good and I suspect he would also look good if those clothes weren’t on him at all. He also has a great smile. One that lights up his whole face and makes it very hard for you not to just smile back at him. I think it’s part of why him staring at me and smiling so much is making me feel so nervous. I just don’t feel comfortable with that level of attention, regardless of who it’s from. It all feels too intense and it scares me.

For the rest of the day, Luke and I don’t really speak. At least not about anything that isn’t work related. But just as he’s leaving he comes and finds me. I look up when I hear him say my name.

"Yeah?"

He smiles at me again. "Tonight, it’s no big deal okay, but I’d really like it if you came along, just to, you know, hang out."

I’m standing here looking at him. He has that expectant look on his face again and between that and the smile, I’m almost convinced. "Can I bring anything then?" I ask, still not really committing.

His smile gets bigger as he says, "Just yourself," before turning and walking out.

"Okay," I answer too late.

I guess this means I’m going then.

∞

Sam never liked Liam. I don’t particularly like Liam either but I can work with him, ignore him and not really worry about him. Sam on the other hand, he hated him, but I actually found it kind of sweet when I found out why.

"I don’t like the way he looks at you Ash," he would say when I first asked why he’d decided to start picking me up from work every day.

I laughed and said, "What?"

"Liam; he looks at you like he forgets you have a boyfriend and I just want to remind him that you do." Sam said, completely serious.

I laughed again. "So what, this is some kind of macho, alpha possessive thing? You’re asserting your dominance to him?"

"Yeah I am," Sam replied, pulling me into a hug. "You belong to me, only me and I want him to know that," he continued before kissing me.

I pinched him as I jokingly said, "Yours huh, you think you own me?"

Sam smiled as he whispered, "No it’s really you who owns me Ash. My heart, it belongs to you and only you. I just want him to know that."

I laughed before kissing him and saying, "I promise you have nothing to worry about Sam, Liam’s harmless. Just ignore him, it’s what I do."

Sam still continued to pick me up after work, but I actually didn’t mind that he did. I kind of liked the idea that he was letting the world know we were together, and I really liked the idea that his heart was mine to keep.

Because he had stolen mine ages ago.

∞

I get to Luke’s place around 9pm. I want to make sure I’m not the first person there, but when I arrive and see the place is full, I suddenly wish I’d been here earlier. I don’t want to have to try and fit in with these people who clearly all know each other. I’m heading into the kitchen when Luke finds me.

"Hey Ash, you made it! Can I get you a beer?" he asks. He’s smiling at me and actually looks happy to see me here.

"Ah sure, thanks, that’d be great." I’ve already had a couple at home, trying to settle my nerves at the idea of walking into this party alone.

He grabs two, handing one to me, before leaning back against the counter with the other. The whole scene is so eerily reminiscent of my first meeting with Sam, that I briefly close my eyes, blocking the image that’s formed in front of me. Maybe I shouldn’t have come after all.

"Are you okay Ash?" Luke asks.

I open my eyes to find him looking at me, a concerned expression on his face now. It’s that same question again, the one he always seems to ask me. I must look like a total basket case to him, I have no idea why he bothers talking to me.

"Yeah I’m okay Luke, thanks," I reply, trying to smile at him.

"You want me to introduce you to my flatmate?" he asks.

I take a sip of my beer. "Um, maybe later."

Luke smiles at me. "Sure," he says, leaning against the counter sipping his beer and still watching me.

I have to change this. I move and lean against the counter beside him, probably not the best idea, but I just have to change it. There’s about a foot of space between us, but it feels much smaller.

Luke looks down at me. "Not really into big parties then?"

Is it that obvious? "Mmmm, not really into situations where I don’t know anyone," I say surprising myself.

He half laughs. "Yeah I know what you mean. The party was Jared’s idea really, not mine."

I look sideways at Luke. He’s staring out of the kitchen into the living room now, like he’s trying to work out what all of these people are doing in his house. I wonder if he truly doesn’t want them here, if he’s just being accommodating to them and his flatmate.

We don’t say anything more, both of us just watching the people as they talk, laugh and interact with each other. I try to imagine if he feels like he’s watching it all from the outside, like I do. I wonder if he also feels like an observer in his own life. But I can’t possibly ask him, so instead I finish my beer which catches up with the ones I’ve already had at home.

"Bathroom?" I ask.

He turns back to me, a small smile on his face now. "I’ll show you where it is. Thanks for coming by the way."

I actually smile back at him. Somehow he makes this easier.

I’m in the bathroom when it happens.

"Ash, how you doing? Man, you look really good tonight."

Liam, shit.

"I’m fine thanks," I answer without looking, concentrating instead on just washing my hands.

"So ah Ash, do you wanna maybe go out sometime?" he asks in a voice full of confidence, but nothing sincere.

I stop washing my hands but refuse to turn around. I don’t want to look at him, especially now. I’ve never liked him even if he was harmless, but right now this feels very different. He’s never done anything like this before. Yes, he made some stupid comments to rile me up when he knew Sam wasn’t around, but nothing like this. I don’t understand why he thinks he can do this. He knows what happened to Sam, so why is he doing this to me now. Was he always just waiting?

"No Liam," I finally say. "I don’t think that would be a good idea."

He says nothing more, but suddenly I know he’s standing right behind me. I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. It is hot and makes me feel sick. I don’t want him this close to me. I look up and see his reflection in the mirror, staring at me.

"Ash," he says, a smile on his face. "Come on, it’ll be fun, I promise."

I turn now and face him. "No Liam, I really don’t think so."

I watch as his eyes widen. I watch as the confidence falls from his face. I watch as anger replaces it, and I suddenly realise just how close he is when he spits out, "Why Ash, I’m not good enough, not good enough for you. Not like Sam?"

I flinch at the words. I’m boxed in, trapped against the sink and my heart is racing now. Liam doesn’t seem to notice as he continues.

"Look I know what happened with Sam okay, I just thought maybe you might be over it all, you know, ready to think about someone else."

"Fuck you Liam," I suddenly scream at him. "Fuck you."

I put my hands on his chest to push him away but he grabs my wrists. His grip tightens as he stares at me and all I can smell is the alcohol on his breath.

"What?" he says, his voice harder now. "What is your problem Ash, what makes you think I’m not good enough? You aren’t that perfect you know, not with all the shit you carry around."

I’m shaking now. Shaking at the words he’s throwing at me, shaking at the closeness of him, shaking at the anger that’s radiating off of him. I feel sick, scared and desperate to get away from him. He was always a dick at work, but never this bad, never this aggressive. I try to push him away again but his fingers tighten. My skin is burning and I twist my arms to try and free them from his grip. He doesn’t let go.

"Ash," says a voice I instantly recognise. "Are you okay?"

I say nothing, my eyes closing now as frustrated tears threaten to fall from them. I have to block Liam out, block out the look that’s on his face, try to pretend he isn’t this close to me. I can only whisper now as I say, "Let me go Liam, just fuck off and let me go."

He doesn’t move and all I can smell is the stench of alcohol and his warm breath which is blowing in my face. I’m really going to be sick in a minute. Still he doesn’t move.

"Get the fuck out of here you asshole," says a different voice. It’s spoken so angrily, but I still don’t open my eyes. I feel Liam let go of my wrists and finally move away from me and although I’m barely standing, I can’t do anything except open my eyes, turn and walk quickly away. I don’t look back, I walk out of the bathroom and somewhere, anywhere else, opening the nearest door I can find. I hear someone call out my name but I ignore it and close myself in the room. It’s someone’s bedroom, a small lamp on a table illuminating a large room with double bed and an open closet, a smaller bathroom through another open door. Walls covered in band posters. Piles of books stacked everywhere all over the floor.

I’m still shaking as I listen to the shouts from outside. I don’t know what’s going on out there, but several voices are shouting and then a door slams. A few minutes later I hear the door to the room I’m in open. I don’t turn around.

"Ash?"

Luke.

"Ash, are you okay?"

I shake my head now, honestly answering his question for once. I still can’t turn around, can’t face him. My whole body is shaking now; at the words Liam said, at his touch on my skin, at his breath in my face. I can’t make it stop.

"I’m so sorry," Luke says quietly. "I shouldn’t have invited him, I’m sorry."

He closes the door and walks over to me. I can feel him standing directly behind me. Still I say nothing.

"I’m really sorry Ash," Luke continues. "I don’t know what else to say."

My tears are falling freely now and I lower my face, covering it with my hands, burying my shame. Luke must step around me because the next thing I know, his arms are around me and he’s holding me. The next thing I know is my face is buried in his chest and I’m crying. He gently strokes my hair and doesn’t say anything more and all I can feel are his arms, wrapped around me. All I can feel is the warmth of his body, pressed against mine. All I can smell is him through my tears.

He doesn’t say anything more to me and I don’t know how he knows how to do this. How can I possibly feel okay standing here with him like this, after what happened back in the bathroom? I don’t want to be this close to him, but I can’t bring myself to move away, because he feels warm, strangely safe. And although I know this is wrong and I should move, I can’t because I feel my shaking body finally start to slow down.

How can any of this feel okay?

∞

When I was a kid, I met someone who was exactly like me. Grace hated making friends too. Neither of us would’ve even known each other, if it wasn’t for school seating arrangements. I still don’t know why we were sat together. It wasn’t alphabetical, I was a Black, she was a Robinson, so we were nowhere near each other. I guess it was just luck.

Or bad luck in her case.

When we first got put together, neither of us said anything for the whole day. I was too shy and she was too shy. I wanted to be friends with her and later on she told me she did too. It just took us a while to get there. Once we got over it though, that was it. We were best friends, at least until the inevitable happened.

The reason we did become friends in the end, is simple. She stuck up for me. She defended me when no one else did and after that, well it was impossible for me not to like her.

Because I was so shy, I used to get picked on. A lot. It was ok when my older brother Seth was around, but by the time I met Grace, he was too far ahead and we weren’t in the same school anymore. He would still walk me to the gate and drop me off, but he wasn’t there during the day. Wasn’t there when the others starting teasing me.

I’d been sitting next to Grace for about three weeks, but we still hadn’t really spoken much. Neither of us could bring ourselves to get past a smile and a hello. After that we both seemed to get stuck. But when art rolled around, well, she became my saviour and then you couldn’t stop us talking.

I’ve never been particularly good at art. I like to think that somewhere inside me I’m creative, but I just can’t find the right way to execute it. I don’t know, maybe I really don’t have any talent. But that day I was going to have to find some because we were starting painting. Each of us had a huge canvas and we were painting whatever we wanted, as long as we only used three colours.

I was using black, red and grey.

"Grey is not a colour." I heard Mike, the biggest instigator of my teasing, say to his two little side-kicks. "It’s just the same as black."

The three of them sniggered at me, and while I wanted to disagree, I didn’t say anything, just kept painting and trying very hard to ignore them. Problem was Mike just kept going, he kept telling everyone I was too stupid to pick three separate colours. That I didn’t even realise black and grey were the same thing and that I couldn’t even paint right. I was desperately trying to ignore what he was saying, desperately trying to ignore the three of them laughing at me, but all I wanted to do was disappear. All I wanted to do was paint myself a colour which hid me from everyone, especially Mike.

Eventually when he saw he wasn’t getting a reaction from me, he walked over to my canvas with his paintbrush. As he pushed me out of the way, he started flicking yellow paint all over my painting. He was holding a pot of it in one hand and he just kept dipping his brush in and flicking more and more paint over it. I stood there mute. I just couldn’t say anything. I couldn’t even bring myself to cry.

Then out of the corner of my eye I saw Grace. I saw Grace walk over with her pot of black paint. I saw Grace walk right up to Mike and dump the whole pot over his head. Then I saw Grace reach out and take my hand. Pulling me away from my ruined painting and over to hers, where she was painting with the same three colours as me.

"I don’t like him very much," was all she said to me as the teacher came rushing over to find out what had happened.

I smiled at her. "Neither do I."

After that day, talking to each other was not a problem anymore. And the teasing stopped too, especially from Mike. I think he was kind of afraid of Grace, while I was just in awe of her. We hung out every day after that, sitting together in class and during lunch. We’d spend many afternoons at each other’s house and would often have sleep overs on the weekend. I was so relieved to finally have a friend, someone to talk to and so very glad the teasing had stopped.

And just like that, we became best friends forever.

Well, three years to be exact.

∞

Eventually I pull back from Luke’s embrace, taking my hands from my face and turning my head away from him. I see leaning against the wall are three guitars; electric and acoustic.

"Do you play?" I ask, wiping the last of my tears as I turn back to him.

"Yeah," he says turning to look at his guitars.

I look up at him. "Are you any good?"

He laughs softly and turns back to face me. "I don’t know. Why don’t you come watch us play one night and then you can let me know," he says, his fingers reaching out to wipe a tear from my cheek. I let him. His thumb is soft against my skin.

"You’re in a band?" I ask, surprised. He’s never mentioned this in his emails.

"Yeah," he answers the tiniest amount of pride lighting up his face. "We actually have a gig next Saturday night, you should come along, see what you think, tell me if we’re actually any good."

I think this would be a very bad idea. I also think I really want to go and see him play, because I really love live music. Love nothing better than losing myself in a crowded room or stadium, anywhere that’s full of people who are all feeling the same thing. Who are all affected by the music that’s being played. There is nothing like it, the energy that surges through the room, the emotion that’s felt as a note is played or a word is sung. I love it. And it’s one of the few things I can do alone and still enjoy.

"You never told me you were in a band?"

Luke looks at me, half grinning, possibly half embarrassed. "Yeah, I think maybe I was kinda working up to it, you know. Waiting until we had a show sometime that you could come and see?" He seems a little nervous now.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I realise though, standing here looking at Luke, that he’s the nicest anyone has been to me since Sam died. That he is the first person to just be normal with me, to talk to me as though I’m normal, even if I’m clearly anything but. And he’s the first person who has touched me, comforted me. That it has been months and months since someone has held me at all. And right now, all I am is surprised that it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. And there is some part of me that’s strangely grateful for all this.

I shouldn’t go though. It’s not fair on him. It’s not safe for him to be around me.

"Ash?" he asks quietly. "Will you come along?"

I look back at him. He’s watching me, concern in his eyes, worry on his face. If only he knew.

What happened out there?" I suddenly ask, nodding towards the door. "With Liam?" For some reason, this matters to me now and I want to know.

I watch as his face changes slightly, as he thinks about my question, maybe trying to decide how to answer it.

"Luke?" I ask again.

He smiles at me now, but it’s only half a smile, like he doesn’t really mean it.

"Why did you come in?" I ask, trying to get him to answer me. I wonder if he knows what I’m talking about, but he must because he eventually says, "It just didn’t seem like you were comfortable in there with him. I don’t know, maybe I was overreacting, but it just didn’t feel right." His voice is a whisper now.

"Why?" I ask.

He takes a deep breath as he runs his hand over his closely shaven head, his eyes looking away from me.

I’m surprised at the sudden and unexpected thought that pops into my head. To wonder what that would feel like, what it would feel like to run my hand over his hair. I clench my hands by my side, digging my nails into my palm and stopping the temptation. "Luke?" I ask again when he remains silent.

Finally he looks back at me, takes a deep breath and answers. "Because of the things he said and did to you Ash, what he was trying to do. It’s not right, it wasn’t right." He looks away from me now, like he doesn’t want me to see whatever it is he’s thinking.

What. Why?

I want to ask why that matters to him, but I’m too afraid to. We are both silent and I know he’s waiting for me to ask what really happened, why what Liam said and did matters to him. But I can’t bring myself to ask the questions. I’m not sure I want to know the answers. This weirdness between us, it’s happening again and it’s making me uncomfortable. That he would stick up for me or that he would even care at all. I should go. It’s really not a good idea for me to stay here now.

I want to go. I want to stay. I can’t decide what to do.

I look away from him as I whisper, "Thank you." I don’t know what I’m saying it for, or even if he hears me. But when I try to go, my feet won’t move. I feel locked to the floor. I’m standing here and I’m suddenly unable to move. Luke is looking at me now, right at me and I don’t know what is happening.

Finally Luke says, "Do you want to go Ash?" At the same time I say, "I should go."

I’m talking about now, at least I think I am. I don’t know if he’s talking about now or next weekend. I want to go now but I want to go next weekend too. I don’t know what I want anymore, but I know I need to get out of here. Luke touches a finger to my cheek again. I didn’t notice him step closer. I look up at him and all I see is sadness and sorrow on his face, and I don’t know if I’m the reason for that too. Still I can’t say anything.

"Ash?"

"Let’s get another drink," I finally blurt out. A compromise for tonight, without the commitment for next weekend.

Luke’s fingers move and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. He looks surprised as if he didn’t plan on doing it and we are both just standing here watching each other now, unsure about exactly what’s happening. The whole room is filled with a tense silence that I didn’t expect and neither of us seems able to break. I feel like I’m being pulled in every possible direction by some unknown force, and the strongest one is pulling me towards Luke. I don’t know where this feeling is coming from, or why I’m having it, but it doesn’t feel right. None of this feels right, none of this should be happening.

Not now.

Not after Sam.

Not after everything.

I have to force myself to step back and I watch as his face changes briefly, his hand as it drops to his side. I wonder if he’s felt the same thing. I wonder if the room feels like a pressure cooker to him too. I try to smile at him and he smiles back and is once again Luke. We both turn towards the door, reaching for the handle at the same time. He glances at me, and I pull my hand back so he turns it first, gesturing for me to go through. We leave his room and everything changes. The tension that was just between us stays back in his bedroom as we walk out to re-join the party. I watch as he goes into the kitchen to get us some more beers. I watch as someone comes up to see if he’s ok, before they both turn and look over at me. Before I can look away, whoever it is smiles in my direction and then turns back to Luke. Someone else hands me a drink, saying, "You look like you could use this?"

I take it gratefully.

In the end, I stay for a couple more drinks and try to have a good time. I meet a bunch of people, including the guys from his band. One of them is Jared his flatmate, the one who was talking to Luke in the kitchen, the other voice from the bathroom. Another is the guy who gave me the drink, Ben I think his name is. Apparently there is a fourth guy too but I can’t remember his name. Liam is gone and I don’t see him at all. Most of the other people I barely speak to and I don’t remember much of them anyway. Luke stays near me for the rest of the night and when I do talk, it’s mostly to him. I’m not sure if he sticks close because he really doesn’t like parties, because he’s worried about me having a good time or if it’s because of something else.

I’m not sure about a lot of things, and I’m especially not sure about what passed between us back in his bedroom.

I don’t want it to happen again, not a third time.

∞

When I was ten, Dad took me and Seth to New York for Seth’s sixteenth birthday. Seth got to take a friend but I didn’t. I complained and generally didn’t act very grown up about it all, even though I knew it was Seth’s birthday and not mine. The main reason I acted that way was because finally I had a friend I wanted to take. Finally I had someone I was close enough to that I could share this with.

I remember Dad comforting me telling me, "Ash, come on kiddo, when it’s your birthday I’ll take you somewhere and you can bring Grace along, ok?"

"Promise?" I’d asked him.

Smiling at me Dad answered, "Of course. I promise next birthday, you get to bring a friend and Seth doesn’t."

His words worked and I knew he really meant it. Unfortunately by the time my birthday rolled around, I no longer had my best friend and in the end I told Dad I didn’t want to go anywhere.

New York though, turned out to be a lot of fun. Even though I wasn’t allowed to take Grace, Seth was still nice enough to include me so I couldn’t help but have a good time. Even his friend Matt didn’t seem to mind me hanging out with them. And of course my Dad was there too.

On the last day, we were in Time’s Square when we came across the M&Ms store. Going in I remember being overwhelmed by the walls of candy, each colour separated into its own container, stretching right up to the roof. Everywhere you looked there was M&Ms merchandise – toys, bags, everything.

"Dad, can I get something for Grace?" I asked, wanting to let her know I was thinking of her even if she couldn’t be there with me.

"No chocolate though ok?" he’d answered.

"Some for me though?" I asked, hopeful.

He smiled at me, rustling my hair like he always did. "Some for you kiddo, yes."

We’d arrived back home late Sunday night and after school the following Monday, I asked Grace to come over. I hadn’t taken the bag I bought her with me to school, wanting to surprise her with it later on.

She loved it and immediately tipped all the things from her old bag onto the floor so she could use her new one. Neither of us noticed where everything went and neither of us saw the problem that could possibly occur. I was too busy trying out her new lip gloss and Grace was too excited by the present I’d bought her. She packed all her stuff in it before standing up to put it on, admiring herself in my mirror. "Thanks Asha, I really like it."

She always called me Asha, she was one of the few.

Smiling back at her I said, "I’m glad, next time you can come with us."

"Cool!"

We hung out until dinner time. We should’ve been doing homework, but we didn’t, I spent the rest of the afternoon telling her all about New York and about all the cool things we’d do when we went there. Eventually Grace had to walk home. I waved goodbye to her from the front step.

Unfortunately she never made it home. Almost, but not quite.

Grace’s neighbour found her lying on her front lawn, right outside the front door. Grace was having an allergic reaction; she was really allergic to peanuts. Her mom was going through her bag, trying to find the epi-pen. God knows why she didn’t run inside and grab one of the others. Panic I guess. But it didn’t matter. She was never going to find it because no one knew it was lying under my bed at home. No one knew it had fallen out and rolled under there when Grace had emptied her old bag to throw everything into the new one I’d bought her. Neither of us saw it happen. I was too busy trying out her new lip gloss and she was too busy checking out her present from me. I never even found the epi-pen until years later when I was rearranging my bedroom.

The big question was how Grace had ever come into contact with the nuts in the first place. She knew she couldn’t eat them, knew she couldn’t go near them. Even I knew she couldn’t. It’s why I hadn’t bought her the chocolate M&Ms in the first place. Even the plain ones were made in the same factory as the peanut ones. All chocolate was bad for her.

I knew this.

Of course, I didn’t stop to think about what I’d been eating when I tried on her lip gloss. Didn’t stop to think about the peanut M&Ms I’d snuck in after school when I was getting us something to drink in the kitchen. The peanuts that still would’ve been on my lips when I tried her lip gloss on. The same lip gloss she probably used when she was walking home from my place.

But nobody ever knew, nobody ever worked it out. Grace’s mom, my Dad, they all asked me and I swore she didn’t eat any of the chocolate I brought home. I promised, I was certain, it wasn’t even in my room. I mean, I couldn’t work it out, didn’t work it out until years later. I was ten, remember. All I knew was that my best friend, the one person I could talk too, had died. Wasn’t going to be sitting beside me at school the next day or ever again. All because of what turned out to be a stupid, dumb decision on my part. A stupid, stupid decision that meant Grace, my best friend, my saviour, died.

The teasing started up again not long after she died and this time I had no one to stick up for me.

The human heart, four chambers supplying life to the body in repeated rhythmic contractions

∞

Playlist:

1. Dakota – Stereophonics

2. Talking to the moon – Bruno Mars

3. Punching in a dream – The Naked & Famous

∞

Music is an escape for me these days and sometimes I think it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. It’s hard to believe that a combination of sound and silence can have such an effect on you. But it can. And it can affect you in ways you never thought possible.

It can make you smile. It can make you cry. It can make your heart stop and it can make your heart race. It can make you feel things you never even realised were inside of you. And it can stop you in your tracks before you even realise what’s happening.

Watching someone create music like that is amazing. Seeing, feeling someone have that affect on you, on a whole room full of people….it’s unbelievable, indescribable, breath taking. There’s no other way to say it. It’s why I love watching and listening to live music. Why I love going to see a band play, no matter if it’s a huge concert or a tiny pub.

It’s just always had that effect on me and for a second, it almost lets me forget everything else.

∞

Selena was my mom’s baby sister. I never knew my grandparents on mom’s side because they had both died long before I was born. Growing up with an older brother and my Dad, I always longed for the girlie things. Someone to go shopping with, to talk to about boys, someone to ask about all the stuff my Dad was only going to be too embarrassed to talk about. I remember watching Grace and her mom when we were kids and being envious of their bond, their connection. Although I was very close to my Dad, there was still a hidden longing to have my mom, even if it was something I’d never grown up having. But, Selena did that for me, she took on that role and helped fill the gap of my mom not being there. She did a lot more too. She was the mother I never had, and the best friend and confidant I needed. We were very close and I loved her very much.

She lived in Boston but I would still see her pretty regularly. Every couple of weeks I’d go up and stay with her. She was younger than my Mom, so it was easy for us to grow close. And we used to talk about everything. She knew about the teasing at school when I was a kid, she even tried to talk to the teachers for me. She knew about Grace and what she did. She knew all about Adam too, she was the one who’d told me to be prepared, to make sure I had protection. She didn’t judge and she didn’t criticise, she was just there for me to talk to.

She was also the first person to introduce me to music, really introduce me and show me what it was all about. She taught me what music could do to you, how it could change you. My Dad had always been into the soft rock kind of stuff. My brother on the other hand, he was into rap and heavy metal. I grew up never really forming my own tastes or ideas about it, just listened to whatever they liked or put on. Selena changed all of that for me. She actually played the piano, really well. She probably could have done something with it, but instead just chose to play and enjoy it, teach it to the kids at the school she worked at. It’s not the only thing she was in to though. She also introduced me to so much punk and alternative music that from time to time I had to ask her, "Why the hell do you play so much classical?"

She would always laugh and say, "Don’t ever be a music snob Ash, there’s something in every piece, always something, even the stuff Seth and your Dad listen too. You can always learn, feel, and get something from it."

I never heard such a wide range of music as when I was with Selena.

And she was right, there was always something to be learnt or gained from a piece of music, always. It may not move you in ways like other pieces would, but it would still do something to you, and really that’s what mattered, that it affected you, that you reacted in some way, even if it was only in a small way.

∞

When I leave work this afternoon, there’s something in my locker.

It’s a flyer and a cupcake.

My heart clenches as the memory of a band flyer comes rushing back to me. This one however has a post-it stuck to the front. It’s from Luke. His band; Infinity they’re called, are playing tonight. This is the show he mentioned at his party last weekend. These are some of the people I met there. I guess he really is inviting me to come along. Apparently the cupcake is to sweeten the invitation. I take a bite, it’s delicious, god the man really can cook. My hand closes around the flyer and I put it in my pocket. As I walk out of the shop, Luke is still here for some reason and he watches me go but doesn’t say anything.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

When I get home I’m restless, agitated. I’m listening to music and I’m drinking beer, definitely a dangerous combination. I want to go out, but I know it’s a bad idea. I try to tell myself that we are not friends, we’re only work colleagues and what harm can come from me going? But I know I’m kidding myself. I know these mind games I play in my head are all bullshit too. Luke and I are not just work colleagues. We are not quite friends yet either, but there is definitely something there. I just don’t know if I can define exactly what that is.

All I know is that I’m scared. Scared of him, of being around him and very scared of what could happen if I keep doing this.

∞

When I arrived in Boston that first time to see Sam, I was really nervous. Nervous about what it meant, about seeing him again after that night we’d spent together and unsure about what exactly was going on between us now. I remember my heart was racing as I knocked on the door to his place, a little after four in the afternoon.

Someone who was definitely not Sam answered it.

"Can I help you?" this guy said.

"Ah yeah, I’m after Sam?" I replied nervously.

He nodded as if expecting me. "You’re Ash right? Yeah Sam should be on his way home from school, come on in."

This made me feel a little better. At least this person knew who I was and I was expected.

The apartment was pretty small and fairly crowded. It was obvious guys lived there too; it wasn’t the neatest of places.

"I’m Simon," the guy said to me. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Ash" I replied, although he already knew that. "And yeah thanks, that’d be great."

He came back with a couple of beers and handed one to me. Technically I wasn’t old enough to be drinking, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I took it gratefully and drank a big mouthful.

About four seconds later the door opened and Sam walked in. I nervously turned to look at him and when I saw the look on his face, all of my fears disappeared.

"Hey Ash, you made it," he said, a huge smile on his face as he dumped his bag, came over and grabbed me, pulling me into a hug. My body melted against his and I was reminded of the day we spent wrapped in each other’s arms on my bed before he’d come back to Boston.

"I did, thanks for the invite," I said against his shoulder.

He pulled back to look at me, pressing a kiss to my lips. "It’s really good to see you again," he whispered, before kissing me some more.

I half heard Simon groan and walk out of the room. I didn’t really care. I was just happy to be here with Sam. Relieved that he was so happy to see me and very happy about the kiss he was currently giving me. I wasn’t nervous at all anymore.

∞

In the end I go.

As I arrive at the club all I can hear is a god awful noise that appears to be some off-key combination of guitar, drums and vocals that’s being labelled as music. There’s nothing musical about it. I really hope this isn’t Luke’s band, because I surely can’t sit through this crap let alone pretend it’s actually any good. I take a chance and go in and it’s a relief to discover it’s not him.

The club is almost full, which surprises me given the band that’s currently on stage. It’s also quite dark inside, which is good, the only lights being over the stage area, which spans almost the entire back wall. I head in the opposite direction and order myself a beer, sitting at the end of the bar, trying to remain hidden. Maybe if he doesn’t know it won’t count.

The awful band finally finishes and it looks like I’m not the only one who’s grateful. I see Luke and the others come out and start setting up on stage so I know he must be on next. I take a swig of my beer and sink further into the shadows. Infinity comes on stage. They plug in their instruments. Luke steps up to the microphone and says a few words to the audience and then they launch into their music and quite suddenly, I’m completely blown away.

It turns out they are really, really good.

And Luke….wow, Luke is amazing. So very different to what I expected. I didn’t even realise he’d be the lead singer, I just assumed he played guitar. I notice Jared beside him, also playing guitar and the guy who gave me the drink on drums. The bass player I vaguely remember, but I can’t think what his name is.

I turn back to Luke and watch him on stage and I find myself kind of mesmerised by him. He plays with passion, conviction and skill. His body moulds to his guitar as if he knows it intimately, like it’s a part of him. It makes my stomach churn just to watch him. I close my eyes and listen. His voice is unbelievable - scratchy, raw and it sounds very, very sexy. It stirs a weird reaction deep inside of me. I open my eyes again and keep watching him. He pretty much commands that you both look and listen to him and I’m surprised to find, I can’t turn away now.

I’m shocked. Amazed. And something very strange is happening to me, a feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. My skin is tingling. My body feels alive. My heart is pounding, keeping time to the beat, speeding up when they reach a chorus and slowing down for the melody. Their music is intoxicating and his voice is beautiful. They do a cover of Dakota that is truly amazing and the most unique version of that song I’ve ever heard. It’s dedicated to just someone.

I watch them play for over an hour but as soon as they finish, I have to leave. I don’t want to risk staying. I almost feel like I shouldn’t have come in the first place and I’m far too nervous to stay now. I’m too scared to see him when I’m feeling like this.

On my way back home I grab a burger to eat. I pick up some more beer from the store and I slowly walk back to my apartment. Once inside, I eat my dinner and drink another beer. I take a shower and wash the smoke off me. I take my time, stalling as I stand under the hot water, remembering the night. The lingering memory of his music and the feeling I had sitting there listening to it, watching him create it. When I finally get out and get dressed, I go to my computer, my hair wrapped in a towel and look for what I know will be there. An email, just as I expected, is sitting there in my inbox.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: And…?

There’s nothing else, no message, just that one word in the subject line and I have to stop for a second, unsure about whether I should answer. He obviously knows I was there, despite the fact I stayed at the back of the room. I should write back. It’s the right thing to do. Right?

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE: And…?

That band before you really sucked.

I don’t know why I do this, but I’m playing with him. I want to tease him a little. I want to drag it out, make him want it. Do something to him like he just did to me. I hit send.

He writes back immediately.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE: And…?

But…..are you going to make me beg?

Do you want more cupcakes? I’ll bring you some right now?

I smile. I can’t help it.

I wait a minute longer not really sure why I’m doing this.

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE: And…?

Really, really good Luke – I never knew you could sing as well?!

Your band, your music, your voice, it’s all amazing.

FYI the cupcake was too. Thank u.

To: asha@eatdrinkread.com

From: luke@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: And…?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you for coming.…next time, stick around after we finish.

Hang out with us some more.

Cupcakes are yours anytime you want them.

I hope you liked your song.

Oh, the dedicated song. He remembered. Shit, he really remembered.

I can’t help it, I smile again and at the same time, feel something in my chest tighten at his words.

That he could want a next time. That he gave me a song.

Again, that strange feeling inside me as I realise what I’m actually smiling about is the possibility of a next time and another song. I’m smiling because of this possibility and I don’t want to think about how wrong it is. My heart’s pounding in my chest right now. It’s beating as if I’m excited or happy or turned on. I don’t know which of these feelings applies, but just for a moment I want to forget about all of the bad stuff, about all of the fear and all of the pain and just allow myself to feel it.

To hear my heart tell my body what it’s feeling and what it wants.

We keep chatting for a while about the night, about the shitty band on before him and about the music he wants to write and the ideas he has. He knows a lot about music and performing and even writing, I mean he really knows music. It reminds me so much of Selena and all the times she used to talk to me about it, I can imagine the two of them would’ve never stopped talking had they met in another lifetime. And now I know about his band, now that I’ve seen them and told him how good they are, it’s like a floodgate has been opened. He has so many ideas, so many plans. He sends me words he has written, links to songs he likes. I can see that music is his real passion and I know that his band has potential to do great things. I hope it works out for him.

By the time we both crash, I’m surprised to see it’s now 4am and I have over forty emails in my inbox.

I’m also still smiling. My heart’s still racing and for the first time in so many months I feel different, lighter even. I want to saviour this feeling.

Because I know what this feeling is now.

Tonight as I lie in bed, trying to fall asleep, his music enters my dreams. It’s all I hear at first and it replaces my usual nightmare for a while. It feels like a small breath of fresh air after months of barely being able to breathe.

When I wake up the next morning however, the nightmare has come back. The same strangled cry pulls me from my sleep and I have to force the images away, try to forget that awful picture that sears itself into my brain every single night and instead remember the previous evening. The band, their music and especially Luke’s voice. It makes me smile and although my heart is pounding from the nightmare, I feel it change slightly when I think about last night. When I remember how I felt watching him, listening to him. I wish I could let him know how it made me feel.

I wish I could let him know how much it affected me.

I wish I could let him know that he made me happy, if just for one night.

∞

Selena was a bit like me in that she was also pretty shy. It wasn’t the only thing we had in common, but I guess like Grace and me, it’s what made it that much easier for us to relate to each other. It also meant that Selena had trouble getting herself a boyfriend, because she just didn’t put herself out there. Even my Dad tried to fix her up a few times and that’s saying something from the man who only had a handful of girlfriends after he lost his wife.

I can remember the day I decided we needed to be proactive about it all. "Let’s put your profile on one of those websites?" I suggested.

"No way!" Selena had said immediately.

"Come on Selena, it’ll be great, they aren’t as crappy as they used to be."

"Yeah but they’re full of crazies who post fake pictures of themselves just to try and get laid," she said, handing me a coffee.

I was spending the weekend with her in Boston. It was actually Valentine’s Day weekend, which is probably what spurred me on to suggest it in the first place. The two of us had spent the night watching romantic comedies and lamenting our non-existent love life. Adam had only just died a couple of months ago and I remember Selena handing me a glass of wine the night before and saying, "Well if you’re old enough to have sex, then I figure you probably need a drink too. Just don’t tell your Dad," she said smiling. "Or Seth!"

I laughed, taking the glass from her. I’m pretty sure she knew I’d been drunk before, thanks namely to Seth anyway.

So that’s how we’d spent our sad miserable Valentine’s Day. Drinking a couple of bottles of wine and watching cheesy movies. The next morning under the burden of a light hangover and over a greasy breakfast, I came up with the idea.

"Come on Selena, it’ll be great, we’ll screen them and we can have a code to get you out of a bad date or something."

"You do realise you live in Providence, so it will be a long way to come and rescue me from a bad date!"

I took a sip of the coffee trying to think of a way to make her agree to this. Seventeen year old me trying to set up her twenty-eight year old aunt. "How about you make your first date on a weekend when I’m here, then I can happen to stroll by and if it’s not working out, you can see me and have an excuse to bail?" I suggested.

She stood there looking at me like I was an idiot, but I could tell she was thinking about it. I imagined she was pretty lonely up here at times, so was maybe thinking the idea of a boyfriend wasn’t such a bad one.

As if to fortify herself, she took a sip of coffee, ran her fingers through her hair and said, "Ok, what the hell, let’s try it."

So that’s what we did, we posted Selena’s profile at www.theselonelyhearts.com mainly because they offered a four month free trial, so really she had nothing to lose anyway.

If only that had been true.

∞

The week after Luke’s concert, I find a CD waiting in my locker, another cupcake sitting on top of it, almost like it’s enticing me. When I take Luke his morning coffee, I hold it up to him and ask, "A mixed tape?"

He smiles at me and says, "No, it’s actually a recording of our stuff, thought maybe you might like it?" It almost looks as though he’s blushing now.

As I look at the CD in my hand, I wonder just how good they really are. "You guys have an album?"

Yeah, Luke is definitely blushing now, as he keeps smiling at me. "No, I mean we paid to record one once, just as a potential demo, but to be honest, it’s pretty basic. You’ll see when you listen, the sound isn’t great, but you know…." He does that thing where he runs his hand over his hair again. "I just thought you might like it, you seemed to like it the other night," he finishes quietly.

Watching Luke, I can see he’s looking at me intently now. His eyes are very dark, he isn’t blushing anymore, but he’s watching me, waiting for my reaction. It makes me nervous, him looking at me like this and I can already feel a blush creeping up my own cheeks now, my heart beating slightly faster than normal.

"Thanks," is all I can say at first, looking at the CD of his music that I’m holding. "And you’re right, I did really like your music, you guys are, um…" I look back at him gesturing with the CD in my hand as though this will make sense to him, "…really good."

He laughs a little now. "Thanks Ash, I’m glad you came along."

As I stand there looking at him sipping his coffee, I wonder again, how he even knew I was there. "I actually didn’t think you’d seen me that night?"

There’s that hand over the hair again. "I saw you," he says quietly, taking another sip of his coffee, his eyes watching me the whole time.

Yep, heart is definitely going faster now.

We both stand there in silence, just drinking our coffees and half watching each other. It all feels a little strange. I know that I’m nervous and I’m pretty sure he is too, although I don’t really know why. I’m also not sure what to think of Luke’s gift, the CD. It’s true I did really like their music, but is that why he gave it to me.

Why is he being so nice to me?

∞

The fourth guy that contacted Selena was the one she ended up going out with. We both had a good laugh looking through all the guys that posted on the site, but when it came to going through the ones who specifically contacted her, we tried to be a little bit more serious. That wasn’t always so easy.

I’d come up the weekend after Valentine’s Day so we could go through them. She said she’d had four emails but was too scared to look at them until she had some moral support. I was glad she thought of me.

Mystery guy number one drove trucks around the country and was basically looking for a pit stop every time he dropped by Boston. He seemed very serious about the whole thing although he was open about all the other cities he had women lined up in. I guess that’s something, but he still went straight to the deleted pile. Mystery guy number two had a couple of kids, although he said he was divorced.

Selena wasn’t anti-kids, but as she said, "It’s not what I’m looking for right now, so yeah it’s mean, but no thanks."

I was secretly glad about that as I wasn’t quite prepared to share her that much yet either. Mystery guy number three, was in a word, weird. In keeping with his number, he was looking for women to take part in threesomes. He promised discretion and enjoyment with himself and another woman, and asked whether Selena was interested. One look from her and I laughed and hit delete again.

Then came mystery guy number four. He seemed half decent, at least on paper, a good catch in fact. Early thirties, been out of a long-term relationship four years now, no kids, stable job in Boston and was looking for like-minded woman to have some fun with.

"What do you think?" I asked her.

Selena was biting her thumb nail, something she always did when she was nervous. "Ok, I’m being totally shallow here, but what does he look like?"

I logged on to her account and had a look. Not bad, not bad at all actually. Turning to her and smiling, I asked, "Well?"

"Why the hell is he single?" she asked me. "If he’s that good, why’s he single?"

I laughed then, reaching to pull her thumb from her mouth. "The same could be said for you Selena. What do you think, give him a go?"

I was holding her hands in mine, stopping her from chewing them again. She was twitching in her chair and I knew she was nervous. "Come on, it’ll be fun," I said. "Meet him in a public place, don’t bring him home with you and just see what happens?"

She was still looking unsure so I said, "Do you want me to come with you?" Knowing it would provoke a reaction from her.

"NO!" she yelled. "Geez, could I look any more like a child bringing a chaperone on a first date?"

I was definitely laughing now. "Ok, come on, let’s organise a date for next weekend. I’ll come up and worst case, it sucks, you leave and we hang out for the night. One try, what do you say?"

Eventually she agreed.

They went out the very next weekend. She came home that night as promised, but the date was good. Selena was happy. "Thanks Ash," she said. "You were right, I needed that." They’d arranged to meet up again and I was very glad she’d agreed to it all.

Four weeks later that all changed.

Four weeks later this guy, Kyle he was calling himself, showed his true colours. No one really understands what happened. Selena had said he was fantastic, that everything was going well. She thought maybe things might be getting serious. I wasn’t coming up on weekends all the time now, just so she could enjoy being with him. I hadn’t met him yet, but from everything she’d told me, I thought he seemed great, really great.

But then Selena wasn’t seen for four days straight. I remember calling her during that time and not getting an answer, either at home or on her cell. I was trying to organise my next visit, figured she was out with Kyle, having a good time.

I was really happy for her.

Unfortunately Selena was lying dead in her apartment. Forty-four stab wounds to her body. A fatal one through her heart which ended her life. For four days she had lain there. Four days until her neighbour noticed and called the super.

Turns out, Kyle was wanted in several other states. He’d done this before. Seemed to enjoy pretending to be this fantastic guy who lured his victims in through these matchmaking websites. Would often spend months convincing them he was the one and when they finally succumbed, he brutally murdered them like it was some kind of game. Selena was his fourth victim. That they knew of anyway.

Of course she never would have known him if it wasn’t for me pushing her to try the online dating thing in the first place. Pushing her to go out with him.

Convincing her to just give him a go.

∞

When I get home tonight I listen to the CD Luke gave me. He’s right, it’s very basic, very rough, but still, it’s all there. You can hear his voice, hear their music, and feel their passion. I turn it up loud and sit in the middle of my living room floor with a beer and just listen to them. It’s not the same as the club, but when I close my eyes, for a second I can almost pretend I’m there, almost.

All of the songs are theirs and I wonder who writes them. Who comes up with these words and all the sounds that go with them. I wonder how long he’s been playing guitar and singing, because he’s really, really good at it. Listening to it makes me want to see them live. I really want to watch Luke create this in front of me again.

I leave his CD on repeat when I go to bed and for the first time since Sam died, I’m able to fall asleep without fear. For the first time since Sam died, I don’t have any nightmares at all. For the first time since Sam died, I sleep all the way through the night, waking up the next morning to the sunlight streaming through my window and the sound of Luke’s voice echoing through my apartment. It feels amazing to finally sleep a full night in complete peace and without fear. It’s even more amazing to wake up to the sound of his voice and their music. I lie in bed for a while, just listening as I watch the sunlight dance across my bedroom ceiling. There are no sounds except for Luke and his music and I feel like I could lie here all day listening to it.

I feel strangely happy again and wonder what I have to do to hang on to this feeling.

Quintessence, the elusive fifth element that is tuned perfection in music and total destruction in nature

∞

Playlist:

1. Hurricane – 30 Seconds to Mars

2. White blank page – Mumford & Sons

3. Poison & wine – The Civil Wars

∞

Anger and fear can turn you into a different person. They mask what you’re really feeling, and they allow you to destroy something that doesn’t deserve it, something that should be cared for and protected. But being exposed, forces you to raise your defences and in doing so, you quite often lash out at the very thing you should actually be embracing.

Fighting with someone is like that, and it’s even worse when you fight with someone you care about, someone you love. Because then you know all of each other’s strengths and all of each other’s weaknesses. Then you are fully armed to do the most damage.

I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. I hate it. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry. Because I’ve also always beared a grudge that time doesn’t make any easier to let go of. I can show my true anger when really provoked. I need to vent, I can’t help it, the mask I wear to hide the rest of me is hard enough, so when the anger builds, it really has nowhere else to go but out.

And I’m sorry if you’re on the receiving end of it.

∞

Sam and I never really fought when we were together, but on the odd occasion when we did, it was always about the same thing. The same old fight would repeat itself and over and over again, and as usual we got nowhere with the outcome.

The last time we had that fight, something else happened, although really, it should’ve been so obvious it would eventually. It all started when we went to a work party of his. I didn’t really want to go, mostly because I wasn’t going to know anyone and I hated situations like that. Sam knew that but in the end he talked me into going anyway.

"Come on, it’ll be fun. I promise they’re not all computer nerds like you think they are."

I looked at him, a doubtful expression on my face. "You sure about that? You do work for an IT company remember."

He laughed, pulling me to him to give me a kiss. "Yeah and look at how sexy you think I am!"

I couldn’t help but laugh too. He was right, he wasn’t your typical computer geek so maybe I was wrong to assume everyone else would be. Even Nate was cool and he’d been studying the same course.

So we went and for the first hour or so I did have a good time. But then everyone was drinking and talking about work. Sam was having a great time and they were all doing shots of tequila. I felt left out. I hardly knew any of them and I certainly didn’t know what they were talking about.

As the night wore on, I was getting more and more drunk, but having less and less fun. Eventually I said to Sam, "Can we go? I’ve had enough."

Sam was wasted by this stage and could only laugh and say, "No, it’s fun, let’s stay."

I knew I shouldn’t be pissed at him. Knew he had every right to have fun and stay at the party, I knew it was me being the bitch. But he’d hardly talked to me all night and I really wanted to just go.

"Sam, I want to go," I tried once more.

"Geez Ash, come on, just stay, talk to people, have fun," he answered. He was really drunk now as I pulled him into the kitchen with me.

"Sam, I don’t know these people. You’re hardly talking to me and I just want to go ok, please?"

"Well Ash, I want to stay, for once, I want to stay and have some fun."

For once. What the hell did that mean?

In the end I told him I was going anyway. Mumbled some goodbye to him that I’m not even sure he heard and just walked home by myself. It wasn’t cold outside, and although it was dark, I wasn’t scared. The T was no longer running but I didn’t have far to go. On the way home, I checked my phone. Nothing from Sam, but there was a missed call from my Dad. I smiled as I listened to the voicemail.

"Ash, it’s me. I think I’m really frikkin lost. If it says I’m in Dorchester that’s a bad thing right? Call me back if you get this – love you kiddo."

I smiled to myself. My Dad was hopeless with directions. He’d been visiting us and although it wasn’t dark when he left, Sam suggested he crash with us and drive home the next day.

Dad had smiled and said, "Nah, I’ll just head back now so I’m not woken up by you two stumbling in drunk in the middle of the night."

I remember I gave him a hug and a kiss goodbye. "Thanks so much for coming up Dad, I seriously appreciate it," I said before waving, as he drove away from us.

I tried calling him back even though it was nearly 2am, but his phone rang out, eventually going to voicemail. I left him a message asking him to call when he woke up and then staggered the rest of the way home and crashed.

Sometime later, Sam stumbled in. He was pretty pissed by this stage waking me up to ask, "Where the hell did you disappear to?"

As I sat up, still half asleep I answered him. "I told you I was leaving, that was over two hours ago."

"Well I had no idea where you were Ash," he slurred back at me. "No idea what had happened to you!"

"Doesn’t look as though you cared too much," I yelled back at him. I was probably being childish, but I’d left the party over two hours ago and he hadn’t tried to stop me or even rung to find out if I was ok. I wondered if he even noticed I was gone until he went to leave.

"What the hell was wrong with you tonight?" he slurred again.

"Sam, I had a shit time ok. I didn’t know anyone and you barely talked to me all night. I just wanted to come home."

Sam threw his hands up in the air. I knew what was coming next, it was always the same thing. "Ash come on, you gotta try babe, try and talk to people ok, make some friends."

This is what always happened every time we started this argument, although we weren’t usually drunk and in the middle of the night. Sam always wanting me to try and meet people, try and make friends with them. Me unable to do it, unable to do the small talk part or let people in. It’s a miracle Sam was still around really.

"You know I can’t Sam," I said to him. "You of all people should know that."

Frustrated, Sam shook his head, crawling into bed and pulling me into his arms. He said nothing more to me, just crashed still fully clothed, not even taking his shoes off. But at least his arms were wrapped around me and I knew that meant the fight was over.

The next morning I woke up and I was hungover, more than I thought I’d be. Sam was still passed out so I dragged myself up and got dressed, heading out to get some fresh air and grab a coffee to chase away the headache I’d fallen asleep with.

Ironically when I came home hours later to wake Sam up and talk about what’d happened last night, I found him already awake and our fight seemed like the last thing on his mind.

When he told me that my Dad had died, our fight became the last thing on my mind too.

∞

Ever since Luke’s party I haven’t spoken to Liam at all. He hasn’t spoken to me and I’ve noticed that Luke doesn’t talk to him anymore either. After what happened I can kind of understand and although a part of me is secretly glad about them not speaking, I also feel that none of this ever would have happened if it wasn’t for me.

But Liam’s words, the things he said, they are still there, ringing in my ears. I don’t know how much Luke heard, maybe all of it and I don’t want to think about that either. I don’t want to think about Luke’s reaction to his words. That I was fucked up, carrying a bunch of shit around. I didn’t want to think about how true that all was.

But for whatever reason, tonight, just before we close is when Liam decides we’re going to talk again. Tonight, he decides to follow me into the cold room and supposedly apologise.

"Ash?"

I stiffen in response to his voice and suddenly become acutely aware of the fact that we are trapped together in this tiny room, the one place I used to go to escape the rest of the shop. I don’t say anything.

"Ash, come on, you gonna ignore me forever?" he asks, a slight hint of anger in his voice.

I take a deep breath, turn and face him. "Yeah Liam, I think I will," I say, my voice firm, despite the nervous energy running through me. "I really don’t want to talk to you and I really don’t want you to talk to me."

"Ash, come on, isn’t that a bit over the top? You know I was just drunk the other night," he sneers, incredulous that I could dismiss him this easily. "It’s not like I meant to scare you or anything."

I walk purposefully towards the door, unsure if Liam’s going to let me pass. He doesn’t move, but he doesn’t stop me as I storm out into the kitchen.

"Ash, come on, don’t be such a bitch," he continues, following me out of the cold room.

I turn and face him. My nerves have turned to anger now as I say, "Actually Liam, I think you’re the one being a bitch. And a fucking asshole too and I don’t ever want to speak to you again." My blood is boiling right now and I’m glad it’s late and we’re out in the kitchen, because I know Robert would be pissed if he saw us doing this in front of the customers.

Liam and I are squared off against each other and this time I’m not showing my fear to him. I stand my ground when he takes a step towards me, refusing to back down. I meet his angry stare as I say again, "Stay away from me Liam, I mean it." I barely recognise my own voice now, but before Liam has a chance to respond, I hear another voice. A voice I stupidly hadn’t even considered would be here to witness this.

"Get away from her Liam," Luke says with a voice that sounds like steel.

I turn to look at Luke and see the anger radiating from him, his face set like stone, his dark eyes glaring at Liam. His whole body is tensed and I notice his hands are clenched into fists by his side, like he’s trying to hold himself back, trying to stop himself from lashing out.

Liam doesn’t move, he’s still staring at me.

"I’m not going to say it again Liam. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her."

He does, but not before quickly moving towards me a little, a tiny threat to let me know he isn’t really backing down. It isn’t much, but it’s enough to make me flinch in response. It’s enough to make Luke step forward and grab Liam by the front of his shirt now. He’s face to face with Liam, as much as their height difference will allow. Luke’s face is a mask of fury, and the knuckles of his hand that grip the front of Liam’s shirt, turn white from the effort. His voice is low, almost like a growl as he says, "You ever ignore her when she tells you to fuck off again Liam and I won’t just walk away like I did last time. I won’t just fucking ignore it."

Luke is really pissed off now but I’m not frightened of him. If anything I’m surprised. Surprised that he’s reacting so strongly to this, that he’s even in here helping me at all. I’m still staring at Luke, who hasn’t looked at me once, when Liam slaps Luke’s hand out of the way, turns to me and says, "You are such a bitch," before walking out.

I don’t even register Liam leaving, I’m too busy watching Luke’s reaction to all this. I wonder what he’s doing, what he’s thinking. Luke turns to face me now and as soon as he sees me, his face instantly changes, softens.

"Are you okay?" he asks me, just like he always does.

I don’t say anything. I can only wonder how much he heard, how much he saw. What he really meant when he said he wouldn’t walk away like last time.

"Ash, are you okay?" he asks again quietly, taking a small, almost cautious step towards me. "Did he touch you, did he hurt you at all?"

I shake my head, still unable to say anything. He takes another step towards me, only concern on his face now, his hand reaching out to me, as though he wants to pull me into his arms. And that’s when it hits me. Suddenly and with force, like a hard punch in the gut that takes my breath away.

He cares.

He cares whether I’m okay. He was being protective, protecting me. Protecting me from Liam and it wasn’t the first time either. He’s acting like it matters how Liam talks to me, treats me. He’s acting like I matter, like I matter to him. As if I’m someone he cares about and needs to protect.

It reminds me of something, something so painful that it makes my heart twist, my insides churn and my head hurt. This can’t be happening. This can’t be happening. I can’t let this happen.

I hold up my hands, stopping him. I see his eyes fall and take in my now shaking hands.

"Ash, are you okay?" he asks me again, his voice urgent, concerned now.

I don’t say anything, only nod.

"You’re sure?" he asks, his eyes drawn, worry and something else now, all over his face. "Ash, please, talk to me, are you sure you’re okay?"

"Thank you Luke," is all I can say, lowering my eyes so I don’t have to look at him before quickly turning and walking out of the kitchen.

I can’t let this happen.

I hear him call out, "Ash?" but I don’t turn around. I keep walking and go back to work, determined to finish my shift and forget what I saw just then. This can’t be happening.

About five minutes later, Luke comes out, a staff beer from the stash we keep in the cold room in his hand. He silently hands it to me, his eyes watching my face as he does. As soon as I meet his stare, I look away. I still can’t look at him, especially now. "Thank you," I say quietly, taking the bottle from his hand, our fingers brushing before I quickly turn and walk away.

I don’t speak to or look at Luke for the rest of my shift. Liam and I avoid each other too, but that’s easy because I’m only angry at him. With Luke it’s something far different.

Thankfully Luke doesn’t try and talk to me again, but I do hear him on the phone, talking to someone, his voice slightly raised although I can’t make out what he’s saying. When he’s about to leave a few minutes later, Luke comes over to me first.

"Ash, do you want to go and get a drink or something?" he asks.

I look up at him, his face full of concern and so much more. But all I can see is everything that I can and will destroy. Everything that I could find and then lose. I can’t do this again. I just can’t go through it all again.

"Just a drink?" he continues. "Nothing more, we don’t have to talk about anything that happened earlier."

I look down at the counter. See my hands as they clench the now empty beer bottle, my fingers turning white. I shake my head. "No," I say, my voice flat. "I can’t, I just can’t Luke," before turning and walking away.

I hear him call out my name again, but I don’t look back. He follows me into the staff room out the back, where there is no one else but us.

"Ash," he says to me, softly this time.

I’m reaching into my locker for my bag and don’t turn around. "Please go Luke. Please." My voice sounds strange, flat.

"Are you sure?" he asks quietly. "Are you sure you’re okay Ash?"

I turn to him now, keeping my eyes on his feet, unable to look at him. "Please, not now. Just go. Please just go. Please Luke, please." My voice betrays me, I’m afraid and I know he can hear it.

I feel him watching me for what feels like forever. I’m about to explode, and I’m not going to be able to stop myself, stop the words that are going to spew from my mouth, the anger I can feel surging through me. This isn’t right, this can’t be happening.

"Ash," he finally says his voice quiet. "It’s okay you know. If you want to talk, ever want to…well I’m here if you do."

I still don’t say anything. I don’t look at him and I don’t move. He says nothing more, just exhales loudly before thankfully turning and walking out.

When the door closes, I collapse to my knees on the floor. Angry tears fall from my eyes and I can do nothing to stop them. I don’t want this life anymore, I can’t keep doing this. It’s killing me.

The grief and the guilt I carry, are consuming me. The grief and the guilt that I carry are slowly suffocating me. I feel buried alive, like every breath I’m forced to take is a huge effort. Sometimes I wonder if it would just be easier to stop breathing.

I feel trapped. Time, my sanity, everything, it all feels like it’s somehow running out. The will to keep going, the will to even wake up every day, it’s all slowly disappearing and I don’t know if I can keep doing this much longer.

But it’s the anger that’s really killing me.

The anger I feel for all of the people I love, who’ve died on me, who’ve gone and left me all alone.

The anger I feel for anyone who just tries to be nice to me. The ones I have to constantly push away to protect.

The anger I have for Sam for knowing the truth about me and dying anyway.

But most of all, the anger I have for myself.

The anger at being the way I am, the anger at having caused all of this and more than anything, the anger at being unable to do a fucking thing about it all.

I’m full of anger and that’s what’s really killing me.

I don’t know how long I stay on the floor, but I know I have to leave. I have to get out of here and go home where I can hide from everyone, where I can suffocate alone. When I stand up to go, I notice the bottle still in my hand and as I walk out the door I throw it at the trash can where it smashes into a million tiny pieces. I don’t stop and I don’t look back. I hear Sarah call out my name as I leave, but I ignore her. I don’t see Luke at all and I just keep walking out the door.

I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore.

∞

Somehow, Dad had managed to get himself lost trying to drive home from Boston. It should have been straight forward, just head for the I-95 south and keep going. It takes you all the way back to Providence. Only my Dad was crap with directions and refused to use a GPS. He’d tried calling me that night when he’d evidently ended up somewhere else, but I was at the party and didn’t hear my phone.

Of course, I was also the one who’d asked, in fact begged him to drive up to see us. So of course it was completely my fault he was even driving at all.

Sam and I had been living in our apartment for a while by then, but I hadn’t really been back to Providence. I hadn’t taken much stuff with me when I first left, because I didn’t think I would just leave and never go back. But when we got our own place, I decided I should probably get the rest of my stuff. Really make this place my home.

So I finally asked Dad to drive up to see us, packing the car with the last of my things.

He only came up for the day. He got there mid-morning and after we unpacked the car and tried to find some space for everything, Dad said to me, "Ok kiddo, now you’ve officially moved out, how about I buy you some lunch? That way I know you’re going to get one decent meal this week."

I laughed and joked, "What you think I can’t cook?"

Dad just laughed and said "No, I know you can’t Ash, grilled cheese is not a proper meal you know."

"Come on, you know it is Dad," I said smiling at him.

Dad faked a look of surprise, as though his previous statement had been wrong, before pulling me into a hug. "I’m gonna miss you kiddo, you know that right?"

"I already miss you Dad, really."

He kissed the top of my head and said, "Come on then, let’s go eat."

So we went out, finding a place and having a great afternoon together. Sam didn’t come that day, instead letting me have some time alone with Dad. We didn’t do anything exciting, just hung out for the afternoon, and spent most of it wandering the streets of Boston.

"Next time, we should try and get tickets to a game," Dad said as we walked past Fenway Park.

"Definitely," I said. "Sam’s mad on the Red Sox, even though he comes from Seattle. I’m sure he can sort something out."

"Sounds good Ash," Dad said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him.

"I’ll get him to look into it," I replied, putting my arm around Dad’s waist.

We walked along in silence for a while until eventually Dad said, "So you’re pretty serious about this guy then huh?"

I looked up at him, smiling as I said, "Yeah I am Dad, I really am."

Dad kissed the top of my head again. "It’s good to see you so happy Ash and as long as he’s taking good care of you, then I’m happy. Because if he doesn’t, he’ll have me to deal with!" he replied.

I laughed, squeezing my arm tighter around him as I said, "He does Dad. Sam really does take good care of me."

We continued walking until the realisation of actually having left home and moved out, finally struck me. Faced with a sudden fear, I turned to Dad and said, "Promise you’ll come up right? I mean, promise you’ll visit regularly? Just because I left home, doesn’t mean I never want to see you Dad."

I was incredibly close to my Dad, always had been and leaving home to be with Sam had been difficult for only that reason. Plus by then Seth was long gone and I worried about my Dad being at home alone.

Pressing a kiss to my temple, Dad simply said, "Anytime you want me to Ash, anytime at all kiddo."

I wish I’d known this trip would be the last time ever.

Around five that night Dad decided he’d head home. We were going to this party and he didn’t want to get in our way. So we made plans for him to come up again, I wrote down the directions for him, told him to call me if he got lost and we went our separate ways.

Somehow he missed the turn-off onto the I-95.

He ended up in Dorchester and when he stopped to ask for directions, instead got car jacked.

They had a baseball bat apparently.

They took his car, his wallet, his phone and watch.

Defensive bruises indicated my Dad had fought back. I would have expected him to, but you can’t compete with a baseball bat. You can’t compete with aggressive violence or a drug-fucked gang of kids who have nothing to lose. Nobody even tried to stop them apparently, nobody did anything.

They left him lying there on the side of the road. Slowly bleeding to death from the bashing he’d received. I don’t know who called the police in the end, maybe they just drove by and found him, but in that neighbourhood nobody had even tried to stop it.

But it was me who’d begged him to drive to Boston. It was me who’d let him drive home that night. I’d written the directions for him. I’d missed his call when he got lost.

I’d killed him.

Seth came home for the funeral, so did his fiancée Lara. They arranged everything. It was the first time I’d been back to Providence in ages. I remember lying on Dad’s bed, looking at all of his things; the photo of him and Mom beside his bed, a pile of his clothes which were still on the floor, waiting to be washed. A picture of Dad, me and Seth by the window. I remember lying there looking at all of these things and wishing I’d never asked him to come to Boston to see me. Wishing I could’ve just come back to get my own stuff like a grown up. There was even a part of me wishing I’d never left at all.

"Ash smash, you need to get up," Seth said quietly as he walked into Dad’s room.

I didn’t say anything.

"Smash?" he asked as he climbed onto the bed and lay down beside me. I rolled over into his arms and he wrapped them around me and held me as I cried and cried. I cried as my big brother tried to comfort me, tried to tell me that everything would be okay.

"It was my fault Seth, my fault this happened." I choked out through my tears.

Seth pulled me up and made me look at him. "No Ash, this was not your fault."

I wished he could understand. I wished I could make him understand. I’d never told him this before. Never told him how I knew I was responsible for all of this.

"I begged him to come to Boston Seth," I cried. "Begged him to drive up and see us. If he hadn’t done that, he never would have gotten lost, never would have been killed. It was my fault Seth, all my fucking fault."

Seth pulled me into a hug again, quietly telling me, "This was no one’s fault but the men who did this Ash, you know that."

But I knew better.

The funeral was excruciating. I spent the whole time being held up by Sam. He kept his arms wrapped around me and didn’t once let go. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he never let me go. I didn’t talk to anyone because I couldn’t find anything to say. The only thing I wanted was to beg for my Dad to come back.

Afterwards Sam and Lara helped me clean out the house. Seth stayed for as long as possible, but after a week he needed to leave, the military doing him no favours despite our loss. Even after he and then Lara left, Sam stayed on and helped me.

Together we cleaned out my Dad’s house, packing up all of his things, packing up his whole life. We put the house up for sale shortly afterwards, Seth and I splitting everything, but it was Sam who helped me sort it all out. We stayed in Providence for five more days after the funeral and it was the longest I’d been back since I’d left to be with Sam.

I was very angry about everything during that time and Sam tried desperately to talk to me about it. But I couldn’t, didn’t want to and it’s probably the longest and most uncomfortable period of time Sam and I ever endured together. On the last day we were there though, Sam came over to give me something.

"What?" I asked him, barely able to look him in the eye.

Sam’s fingers gently tilted my chin up so I had to look at him. "Ash, I’m sorry," he said quietly.

"For what?" I asked, surprised.

Sam’s face was a mixture of sadness and regret as he said, "For our fight, for your Dad, for everything babe, for everything. I’m really sorry."

"Sam..." was all I could say, pulling him into a hug. "You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s me who’s sorry, sorry I’ve been such a bitch to you these last few days. I’m really sorry Sam."

Sam stood with his arms wrapped around me as he spoke into my hair. "You don’t have anything to be sorry for either babe, but I don’t ever want to fight like that again. I don’t ever want to fight about anything, okay?"

"Me neither Sam, me neither," I whispered.

Sam pulled back a little, brushing my hair back from my face. "I’m sorry about that night babe. I’m sorry I was such an ass to you, and I won’t ever pressure you to try with people again okay, I promise."

I smiled sadly at him, knowing he still didn’t believe any of this was my fault, but this was his concession to me. I don’t know if he felt guilty about our fight that night, but I hoped he didn’t think I blamed him for what happened. I really didn’t, none of it was his fault. Eventually Sam lowered his head as he took my hand and gently placed something in it. When I opened it to see what it was, all of my anger finally melted away.

"Where did you find this?" I asked him.

"Seth did," Sam explained. "He thought maybe you’d want it as a memory of your Dad. Something for you to keep."

I was crying again now as I slipped the silver wedding ring that used to belong to my Dad, but which he hardly ever wore, onto the thumb of my right hand.

"Thank you Sam," I said through my tears. "Thank you."

"Anything for you babe, you know that," Sam answered pulling me into another hug. "Anything for you."

When we finally left Providence and went back home to Boston, Sam and I were in a much better place. I didn’t ever want to go back there again and after that day, Sam and I never did fight like we had that night. And just like he promised, Sam never tried to get me to make friends again. It still didn’t change anything that’d happened though, how could it? But deep down I’m pretty sure Sam knew, knew what I was thinking. Deep down he knew I blamed myself and part of that blame came from our fight. He never said anything more, but he was always there for me, and now, I needed him more than ever.

∞

I’m so angry when I get home.

So fucking angry.

I flick on some music. The same CD is still in there. The sound of Luke’s voice and music comes through the speakers and I’m briefly reminded of the way it made me feel when I saw them weeks ago. I wish I could go back to that feeling, to that one night of feeling nothing but pure happiness and escape. The feeling of drowning in his music and his voice.

But tonight I can’t.

Tonight all I feel is anger. Anger at everything I’ve lost and everything I’m forced to push away. Anger at whatever it was that made me this way, anger for just being me.

I walk to the fridge and take out a beer. I drink the first one standing there with the fridge door open, so I grab a second and just keep going. It’s only when I’m on my third that I stop and shut the door. I should eat something but I can’t be bothered, so I just keep drinking. Slowly the alcohol starts to make a dent. Slowly I stop feeling the raw pain of today as it gets pushed to the side, drowned in the alcohol that’s now flooding my system. Slowly the gentle numbness of drunken oblivion starts to have an effect.

Slowly I start to feel less of anything. Slowly I start to feel nothing at all.

I’m really drunk when I finally turn on my computer. I know this is a stupid idea. Even in my current condition, I know that. There are five emails from Luke but I don’t bother opening any of them. I barely even remember sending this to him, the message sent notice I see on the screen the next morning, the only clue to what I’ve done.

But sure enough when I go searching through my sent box later on, this is what I find.

To: luke@eatdrinkread.com

From: asha@eatdrinkread.com

Subject: [NONE]

I’m sorry.

Sorry for acting like that, like this. Sorry for being so pissed today.

Sorry for taking it out on you.

Sorry for all of it.

I can’t explain it. I fuck up everything. It’s better if you just stay away from me.

God, I really am fucking pathetic.

Extrasensory perception, commonly known as a sixth sense

∞

Playlist:

1. A modern myth – 30 Seconds to Mars

2. Fall at your feet – Boy & Bear

3. Infinite arms – Band of Horses

∞

Being alone is now a fact of life for me. When I was a kid, back when the teasing was really bad, all I ever wanted was to just be left alone. All I ever wanted was to be able to run and hide from everyone. Live in make believe worlds where I could escape the reality of the one I lived in. A place where everyone was nice to me, where I didn’t have to worry about being shy, where I didn’t have to worry about anything, especially people dying.

Of course now I’ve been forced into some kind of exile, I wish for the opposite. I crave human interaction and I crave human touch.

I want to have friends again. I really want my family back. I long to be in love and have someone love me back. I want Sam here; I want to have Sam love me again.

But none of that can happen now. And I know it’s part of why I was so angry yesterday. It’s the reason for who I am, the way I act and for so many of the things that I’m forced to do now.

It’s funny the things you wish for.

When you get them, you never want them anymore. And you’d do anything to take them back.

∞

I haven’t looked at my emails since I sent that message to Luke last night. There are six more sitting unopened in reply from him now. I don’t want to know, don’t want to see what he might have sent back to me. I don’t want to know what he’s thinking, what he thinks about me or any of the things Liam said. What he thinks about any of the things I said in the stupid drunken email I sent him last night.

I’m so pathetic.

I call in sick to work today. I don’t want to be around anyone, I want to wallow alone in my own self-pity, but most of all I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

Because today is my birthday. Today I’m twenty-six years old and I’m all alone. It’s now six months since Sam died and it’s the most alone I’ve ever been in my life, because now, I have absolutely no one. I’m so completely alone and I feel so incredibly lonely, all the time. I wish I had the courage to end it, to give up and find a way out of all this shit. I really wish I could just make this all stop.

I’m so tired of being angry all the time, so tired of pushing everyone away and I’m so tired of being alone. So very tired of everything, but especially being me.

Last night when I finally got home after the day from hell, I drank myself into oblivion, eventually passing out fully clothed on top of my bed. I obviously didn’t shut the blinds because it’s the early morning sun that somehow finds its way into my room and wakes me up today, wakes me before the nightmare even has a chance to. A pounding head ache and a mouth that feels like the bottom of a bird cage are what greet me. Happy birthday Ash I think to myself, one of your best.

I spend the morning in bed reading Sam’s letter and sleeping. I don’t cry anymore because I know it won’t change anything, won’t bring him back. Besides, I don’t think I have any more tears left inside me now. Instead I re-read the words he left and wonder if they will ever change how I’m feeling, whether they will ever change anything at all. The paper is so worn, the creases blurring some of the words he wrote, a small hole in the centre from folding and unfolding it over and over again. One day it will completely fall apart and then I will have nothing of his to read anymore.

Around lunch time I finally drag myself up and into the shower. I know I need to go out and get food before the stores close. I don’t want to go anywhere, but it’ll be easier if I just go now, before it gets too busy. In any case, I really need to get more alcohol after last night’s effort, because I know I’m going to need it again tonight. I need it right now in fact.

When I come back though, Luke is sitting on the floor beside my front door. Next to him are a pile of boxes.

"Hey," he says to me, smiling a little as he gets to his feet, juggling the boxes in his arms.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, putting the key in the lock and half blocking the door.

"I heard you were sick," he answers, his tiny smile still there. "And I bought you these," he continues, holding the boxes out to me now.

"I don’t want any company," I say, pushing past him and into my flat. My so-called apology from last night is apparently forgotten. His foot stops the door though, as I try to close it.

"Ash…." he hesitates. "I know, okay. I know it’s your birthday today. And ah….I don’t think you should be in here alone. Not today." The smile is gone now, replaced with a look that might be half sorrow and half pity.

As I stand there looking at him, there’s a mixture of anger and sadness churning inside me. I want to tell him to leave. I want to open my mouth and scream at him to go. I’m angry that he’s here, but it’s anger because he knew to come, not because he’s standing here at my front door. I don’t want to need him and I don’t want to need him today especially.

But more than that, I really don’t want to need him at all. I don’t want to be that kind of person, the kind who can’t survive without having someone be there for them. Because no matter how much I might want it, I don’t want to need it. It seems so pathetic, makes me feel so pathetically useless.

It hurts being so alone, but I can’t let him see how much I want him here, how tempted I am to just let myself try. To let myself need him, just a little. I can’t risk it, I can’t risk him and I definitely can’t go through it all again, because that’s the part that hurts the most.

But nothing comes out. Only a defiant tear, which insists on making its way down my cheek, just when I thought I didn’t have anymore left. Luke sees this and without saying another word, he pushes his way into my apartment, puts his boxes on the floor, does the same thing with the bags in my hands and pulls me into his arms.

Again.

And again, it seems I’m helpless to stop it.

As I stand there wrapped in his arms, for some reason the only thought that enters my head is that Luke is in my house. That’s it. How does he even know where I live? Once more, all I feel are his arms holding me against him. Once more, all I can smell is him. And once more, I find myself crying into his chest, making a complete fool of myself.

We stand there like this for ages, neither of us saying anything. It’s just my tears and Luke’s arms wrapped around me and I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore; with me, with Luke, with anything.

Eventually it’s Luke who breaks the silence, whispering in my ear words I hadn’t ever expected to hear, words I never knew could even help, words that have absolutely nothing to do with today.

He whispers that Liam is gone now, he won’t be at work ever again and everything will be okay. He whispers that I will be okay and I won’t have to see him again. Everything will be alright now. He whispers that it’s okay for me to feel this way, he understands, that I can talk to him if I want to, if I need to. I wonder if he even knows what I’m really feeling. Even I don’t know what that is any more.

All I do know is that standing here in Luke’s arms, feels so incredibly comforting. Standing in his arms, feels warm and safe, even with his mouth at my ear and his breath on my skin. But then he says nothing more. He just gently strokes my hair until I stop crying.

Eventually I have to pull away. "Sorry," I whisper, not looking at him. "I’m sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for Ash," he answers softly, pushing my hair back from my face and gently tilting my chin, making me look at him. There’s no pity on his face now, no sorrow either. He just looks as if he wishes he could do something to make it all go away. "Go and wash your face, then come back and see what I’ve brought you."

He smiles softly at me as he tucks my hair behind my ear. The tiniest shiver runs down my spine in response and I can only nod, before walking into the bathroom to do as I was asked.

As I stand at the sink, I look at the tiny heart drawn on the mirror. It’s almost gone now, barely visible anymore. Days, weeks and months of shower steam slowly working it off. I don’t want to redraw it because then it would stop being something Sam had put there and become something I’d drawn. Instead I have to slowly watch it fade from my life.

Just like him.

I wonder when he drew it, and I wonder why I never noticed it until he was gone. Did he know? Did he somehow know he was going to die all along and if he did, why the hell did he stay with me?

Did he want to just slowly disappear from my life like the stupid heart he drew on my mirror? I can’t believe that and I can’t watch it either. So without thinking about it, I reach out and wipe the last remaining bits off the mirror with my thumb.

Now it’s gone. Just like Sam. And I don’t feel any different.

I wash my face and dry my hands before quickly dragging a brush through my hair. I look like I’ve been crying but the damage isn’t too bad and despite knowing it shouldn’t matter, I’m glad. When I come back out, I see Luke has put my bags of groceries in the kitchen and picked up the boxes he bought and is now laying whatever’s inside them, out on the table. As I come closer I see they are cupcakes, lots of cupcakes in lots of different flavours.

"What’s this?"

He looks at me with an expression that says, are you seriously asking me this?

I raise my eyebrows at him and shrug. I like that we’re both now acting as though me crying all over him again, is not an issue we need to discuss. I’m glad that what happened yesterday between us is over; gone, washed away like the tears I just washed down the drain. I’m relieved he seems to be so readily able to forget that I was a complete bitch, to him especially.

"These are your birthday cakes," he says, waving his arm over the selection. "I don’t know which flavour is your favourite, so I baked you one of every sort."

"You made all of these?" I ask him, momentarily shocked at the effort he’s gone to, for me.

"Uh huh," he replies cautiously. "I did."

"Shit Luke, that’s a lot of cupcakes," I say quickly eyeballing the table in front of me. "And each one is a different flavour? This must have taken you forever?"

"Well there are twenty-four here and at twelve per tray, I guess I made just over two hundred. But, yeah, I didn’t think you’d want that many and we do need to sell some in the shop," he says, a little more relaxed now.

"You made two hundred cupcakes?"

"Yep," he answers, smiling. "But these twenty-four are all yours, so where do you wanna start?"

Standing here looking at him, I just don’t know what to say. I wonder how he even found out it was my birthday today. How he’d known I would be home alone. How he’d known to come over, how he even knew where I lived? How he could even bear to talk to me at all after the way I treated him yesterday. I don’t know how he knows to do any of this. How he always seems to know.

"I think I’m going to need a coffee and you to help me with all these," I suggest quietly, amazed at what he’s done for me.

"Nope, they’re all yours," he says. "I’ll take the coffee, but I’m only eating what you don’t like."

Without another word, he moves into the kitchen and starts to make coffee and I’m immediately struck by how easy he makes this all seem. Ok, so he’s a chef and he knows his way around a kitchen, but it’s something else, something so weirdly comfortable about seeing him in my kitchen. As he reaches for the cups and acts as though everything is all so totally normal, I have to look away. I’m not going to start crying again and I’m definitely not going to start imagining a possibility I know I can’t have and shouldn’t even be thinking about. Instead I take in all the cakes, looking over the rich chocolate, the vanilla, the red velvet – my mouth watering in anticipation. I love all of the flavours he’s made me.

In the end, I only manage six before I have to stop. I try offering half of each one I eat to Luke, but true to his word he just shakes his head and says, "Only if you don’t like it." What can I say, they are delicious, I wasn’t giving them up.

"Why aren’t you cooking somewhere else?" I eventually ask him, lying back on the couch and feeling like a giant cupcake myself. "I mean you can seriously cook and are wasted just doing the stuff we serve at work?"

Luke just laughs now. "Wow, a fan of my music and my cooking, thank you," he says draining the last of his coffee.

"Luke I’m serious, those cakes are so good, and really, you are wasted in that place." Surely he can see that, "And you didn’t answer my question."

"Yeah...." he says running his hand over his head like it’s no big deal, as he puts his mug on the coffee table between us. "I’ve tried those other places, restaurants and that. But the hours are shit and I had no life. I work when everyone else is having fun and spend it getting yelled at by some pissed off asshole. Here I’m working regular days, am my own boss, can play in the band at night and I work with great people. All of this makes me happy, so why change?"

I look at him for a second, wondering if there’s more he isn’t telling me. I think there is, but I, of all people understand his reluctance. Discussing my own past is not something I willingly do with anyone. In any case, deep down I sort of admire him for just doing what it is he loves, regardless of what anyone else thinks. That he just does what makes him happy and it’s as simple as that for him. He might be a little stubborn at times, especially if today is anything to go by, but I think it’s only because if he believes in something or wants it, he just fights for it.

I wish I had the courage to live like that.

I smile at him, understanding a little bit more about him now. He’s definitely different to what I expected when I first met him, but it’s in a good way, a really good way.

"Yeah I guess that does make sense," I eventually say to him, smiling now.

"It does to me," Luke answers, smiling back at me. "So, what are we doing for the rest of the day?"

∞

Seth was twenty-four when he decided to sign up for the army. My dad was proud of him. I was really angry with him. I didn’t want him to go. I was too afraid of losing him, afraid he would be sent off to war where he would be killed. I begged and pleaded, but he just said it was something he had to do, something he really wanted to do. He didn’t know how to explain it to me, but he almost felt like he needed to do it. When he met Lara, I thought maybe that would change his mind. But it didn’t, he still signed up and then got sent off to basic training.

Lara was his first serious girlfriend. I won’t lie; my brother was a huge flirt. He loved to chat up girls and would often have a different one after him each week. He wasn’t mean to them, never strung them along, he just made it clear he wasn’t looking for anything serious. He was kind of like that with everything in life. Just out to have fun, to live life and do whatever it was he wanted to do. I think it drove Dad crazy at times, his lack of direction, as Dad liked to call it. But to me, it was just Seth being Seth, enjoying whatever came his way for as long as he could and never really worrying about it when it was gone.

Which is what made his decision to sign up for the army, and his desire to get serious with Lara that much more surprising, to me anyway.

Lara was from Florida originally, but had come to study at Brown. Seth met her out one night when he was crashing the bars that college students used to frequent. This was his hunting ground I guess. But when he met her, he really met his match. I don’t think he expected a woman to treat him as he had treated girls in the past. I don’t think he expected her to be so happily casual with him, able to have fun with him and then walk away as though he meant nothing to her. Naturally this made him want her even more. And she made him work for it.

Watching Seth during this time, I had to laugh. He was so pathetic, pining after her, calling her, trying to convince her to go out with him. Sometimes she would, but always in a group situation. Now Seth was the one being played and all he wanted to do was get her alone. It really was pretty funny to watch.

The first time I met her was when Seth had a party at home. Dad had gone away for work and although he’d said, "No parties," to Seth, I knew it was inevitable.

Seth was pretty cool about having one though, and he told me, "You can come along Smash, as long as you don’t tell Dad."

"You know he’s going to find out right? You never clean up properly."

"Maybe you can help me?" he asked smiling.

I crossed my arms as I stood there looking at him, pretending to think about it. "Maybe if the price is right?" I answered in my most serious voice.

Seth grabbed me in his arms, tickling me as he said, "You drive a hard bargain little sis."

Of course we had the party and this is when I finally got to meet Lara. My first thought when I met her, wow, she’s gorgeous. Second thought, she really could be perfect for my brother. Third thought, he doesn’t stand a chance.

I remember watching him follow her around all night. He was pathetic, even I could see that. She wasn’t exactly being mean to him but she certainly knew he wanted her and she was definitely having fun with that. I couldn’t help but admire her for being this way. For knowing that Seth wanted her, but not immediately being in to him like every other girl always was. For making him work for her, prove himself to her. It made me think she was pretty cool and exactly the sort of girlfriend Seth needed. I hoped underneath all that she was nice too.

Eventually Lara came over to chat to me and that’s when I discovered what she was really like.

"Hey, it’s Ash right?"

I looked up from the camera I was playing with to see Lara standing in front of me. Seth had described her to me, had been talking about her all day actually, but it was his reaction when she’d first showed up tonight that really gave away her identity. My brother really was pathetic when it came to this girl.

Lara smiled at me and I quickly smiled back before looking at my hands as I answered, "Yeah."

"I’m Lara, nice to meet you," she said, coming over and standing next to me.

"You too," I said, quickly flicking my eyes up to hers again before concentrating on the camera I was holding.

"Are you a photographer?" she asked me.

I couldn’t stop the tiny smile at her assumption. "No, I don’t really know anything about it," I said quietly. "I kind of just try things out as I go."

Lara’s hand reached out to the camera in mine. "May I?" she asked.

I silently handed it to her and watched as she expertly flicked through the buttons, looked through the view finder and adjusted the lens.

"It’s a very good camera," she said, handing it back to me. "I can show you a few tricks some time if you like?"

I looked up at her in shock as I took the camera back. Lara just smiled at me before walking over to the fridge to get another drink. As she reached in to get one, I felt an arm wrap around my shoulders.

"Smasha, what are you doing hiding out in here?" Seth asked me, planting a kiss on the top of my head as he pulled me against his side.

I shrugged in response and looked back towards Lara as she stood there watching us, closing the fridge door behind her.

"Oh, hey Lara," Seth said, surprised to see her. "Have you met my sister?" he continued, still keeping an arm around me.

Lara smiled at Seth then as she answered, "Yeah, I have. We were just talking photography."

Seth looked back at me and I shrugged again in response. Knowing how much he liked this girl, I decided to try and help him out a little. Turning to Lara I took a deep breath before saying, "Seth’s the one who gave me this camera."

I felt his hand squeeze my shoulder and I knew it’d been the right thing to say. Lara walked back towards us, standing opposite Seth and I, and I watched as she took in the sight of me still standing in my brother’s hug, Seth making no move to step away or take his arm from my shoulders. I watched her smile as she seemed to acknowledge this, like Seth had just passed some test or something.

"Well, I was saying to Ash, that I could show her a few tricks with it sometime, if she wanted me to."

"You’re a photographer?" Seth asked surprised.

Lara laughed a little. "Well not a professional or anything, but I’ve done some courses over the years. Really though, it’s much easier if someone can show you, rather than sit through a bunch of lectures. Maybe we could all go out sometime and I’ll show you some of the things I’ve learnt?" Lara said, turning back to look at me now.

I felt Seth tense beside me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. I could almost hear the telepathic messages being beamed inside my head. Turning, I looked up at him and smiled, resisting the urge to playfully punch him, before turning back to Lara. "Sure, that’d be really great Lara, thanks."

Six days later, Seth and I picked Lara up and together we all headed down to Newport for my first photography lesson. Seth was beyond excited and had spent all week being extra nice to me thanks to my role in getting this to all happen. Even though he wasn’t actually alone with Lara, I think he figured with only me there he stood a better chance. I guess because she was paying attention to his family, he thought she was also paying attention to him. I think he was probably right and I’m pretty sure Lara knew exactly what she was doing when she suggested this. When we parked the car and got out, Lara suggested we walk along Thames Street first, just to have a look for somewhere to start. Seth, doing his chivalrous best, asked us if we wanted coffees to take with us. And as he headed off to buy them, Lara turned to me and said, "So I guess you must know, your brother’s been trying to get me to go out with him?"

I smiled back at her as I said, "Yeah, he’s not exactly subtle about these things."

Laughing, Lara asked, "So what do you think I should do?"

I’ll be honest, I was surprised. Surprised she would ask me, but even more so that she would care what I think. "You’re asking me?"

"Yeah Ash, I am," she said still smiling at me.

"Why?"

"Well, I’ve seen the way he is with you. You’re the number one girl in his life. I mean, it’s obvious he adores you, so I’m asking what you think."

If I wasn’t sure I liked her before, I definitely knew I did now. And I definitely wanted her to go out with Seth. Anyone who would care what I thought, like she did, had to be a good thing. "I think you should go out with him," I said confidently. "I think you should put him out of his misery and I think you won’t regret it."

She stood there smiling at me as I said all this, before she surprised me even more by asking, "And you’d be okay with me going out with him?"

And it was in that moment with that one little question that I knew what Lara was really asking me. She wanted to know if I was okay with her becoming the number one girl in Seth’s life, would I be alright sharing my brother with someone else now. Realising this only made me like her even more, so without thinking, I reached out, put my arm around her waist and said, "Lara, I would love it if you went out with him."

Laughing, Lara wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Okay then," she said and together we walked slowly down the street as we waited for Seth to come back.

After Seth caught up with us, the three of us spent the afternoon together. Lara teaching me loads about photography and lining up shots, the rule of thirds. Seth finally relaxed too, enough that he could talk to Lara normally, without trying so hard anymore. It’s almost as if he knew she’d made her decision now and it was just a matter of time before it happened. And at six o’clock, as we headed back to the car, I smiled as I watched Lara, who was walking beside Seth, silently reach out and take his hand. Seth held hers tightly and wrapped his other arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to him. Quickly, so she wouldn’t hear, he leant down and whispered in my ear, "Thank you Smash, for today." I could only smile in response.

And after that day, they were officially a couple. Seth was so unbelievably happy he’d finally gotten the girl he wanted. I was happy because now, I had a big sister who would talk to me, hang out with me, was nice to me. I remember asking her much later on why she’d finally changed her mind about him.

Lara just smiled as she watched Seth chatting with Dad as they cooked some steaks on the grill, before turning to me. "I think it was seeing the way he was with you that did it," she said.

"Huh?" I asked, confused.

Lara turned to me now, "Seeing how much he loved you Ash, and how protective and caring he was towards you. I’d say that pretty much sealed the deal for me."

And it was right then that I understood how Seth had fallen in love with her, because I loved her too. She became the sister I never had and despite how close she and Seth were, she never took him away from me or felt threatened by our relationship. And I was right about her and Seth, because they were perfect for each other and Seth did change for her, completely changed. Suddenly he was the perfect boyfriend, completely devoted to her and never even looked at another girl again. Dad and I were amazed at the change in him, but we both loved it, because we both loved Lara, she was perfect for him. I’m not sure if Lara ever regretted it though, especially after what happened in the end.

Of course that wasn’t Seth’s fault.

That was mine.

∞

Luke hung out with me for the rest of the afternoon. We listened to music, he kicked my butt at scrabble multiple times and we watched a bunch of crappy TV. I watched as he made himself at home in my apartment and I’ll admit, it helped, having him here. I stopped thinking about how shit my life was for a fraction of a second and he made me laugh enough to feel something closer towards real happiness. Somewhere along the way I also managed to eat more of his cupcakes.

"I like these photos you have Ash," he said to me at one point in the afternoon. "Did you take them?"

"Yeah," I say, watching him look at the pictures I’d put up on the walls. Various pictures of landmarks, streets, beaches and other sights from in and around Providence and Boston. Pictures of Sam; pictures of me and Sam together. "I used to play around with it, but I never took any lessons. I’m not sure I’m any good."

Luke turns to look at me. "Yeah you are Ash, they’re really great."

Again, I find myself smiling at him as he turns back to look at my photos. There’s something slightly surreal about Luke looking at pictures of Sam and I, but there’s no point hiding it, he must know. I don’t know what I’d say to him anyway, I can’t even bring myself to tell him who taught me to do all this. But, just for a second I do let myself remember all of the trips Lara and I made, especially when Seth was away. God I’d loved having her for a sister and for some reason, it makes me happy that Luke actually thinks my photos are good, because it was her who taught me how to take them.

By the time darkness falls however, it’s started to snow, and that gets me thinking bad thoughts all over again.

Luke somehow senses the change in me immediately. "You wanna talk about it?" he asks.

I look at him, just shake my head and flick through the channels on the TV. "Want to watch a movie?" I eventually ask, glancing at my watch. "Or I guess you probably have somewhere else you need to be?"

Luke looks outside, before turning back to me. "No, nowhere else. You have any beer though?"

Grateful, I smile before going to the fridge to grab some, glad I’d stocked up after my bender the night before. "Pick something out," I call as I pop the tops on two beers.

When I walk back into the living room, Luke is looking through my collection. As I stand there watching him look through something Sam and I built together, I force myself to take a deep breath. You have to move on Ash I try telling myself, seeing how it sounds in my own head. Sam’s words are in there too, telling me to live, be happy. I want to, I really do, but I wanted to do that with Sam. I wanted it to be Sam who was picking a movie out for us to watch tonight.

"Geez Ash, bit of a vampire fetish?" Luke says smiling as he takes the beer I hand him, breaking my train of thought.

I shrug, "What can I say, I love vampire flicks."

I smile as I hear him murmur, "Well at least there’s no Twilight in here." Eventually Luke chooses the first in the Blade trilogy, holding it up he asks, "You want to start with this?"

"Sure," I smile at him. "Good choice."

We end up watching all three movies. Sometime during the second one, we both hear noises from the street and the sound of fireworks across the city, people celebrating everywhere. I glance at Luke. He just smiles back at me before grabbing a handful of chips from the bowl between us. Neither of us says anything. We just go back to watching the movie and I’m very glad.

I was born on New Year’s Eve. I was born on the last night of the year, the first night of my life and the last night of my mothers. My birthday was always a nightmare, not just because I shared it with the biggest celebration the world insisted on having. It was a nightmare because it killed my Mom and it was a nightmare because in the end, it was also the reason my brother and Lara died. It’s something I’ve never been able to deal with. I hate my birthday, every year I hate it and it has absolutely nothing to do with me getting another year older.

Turns out though, Luke is very easy to hang out with and he’s definitely very funny. Nothing like Sam, but that’s a good thing. He’s actually a lot like Seth and it occurs to me that they would’ve gotten on really well, had they ever had the chance to meet each other. When we finally finish watching the movies, I see it’s now well after midnight and there is a definite snow storm going on outside. Probably ruining a lot of people’s night.

"Guess I should make a move," Luke says as he pushes up off the couch.

Something inside me makes its way into my stomach and twists. Fear.

"I don’t think you should go out in that Luke," I say quietly. "Why don’t you just stay here for the night?"

He looks at me, a slightly puzzled look on his face. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I’m sure."

Luke nods in agreement, taking my statement without any more explanation. I grab him some pillows and a blanket for the couch. I feel relieved that for tonight at least, he will be okay.

I help make up the couch for him to sleep on and hand him a spare toothbrush. As I head to my room, I stop just as I reach the door. "Thank you Luke," I say, turning back to face him, to meet his eyes. "Thank you for today."

"My pleasure," he whispers. "Goodnight Asha."

He says nothing else and as I fall asleep, I realise that once again Luke has made me a tiny bit happy. Today of all days, he’s somehow found a way to make me happy.

∞

Seth ended up serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. He survived them both.

Although Seth was six years older than me, we were still very close. He’d known my mother for six precious years until I came along and my favourite thing in the world when I was growing up was asking him what she was like. He always told me the same things.

"You look just like her Smash," he’d say, using my nickname and pinching my cheek to hide the fact he was trying to tell me he thought she and I were beautiful.

I would giggle at him but deep down I loved it. I loved that even without her, I could still carry a small part of her with me. That by looking in the mirror I might learn who she was. I often thought about how hard that must have been for Dad. To see his wife in the daughter who caused her death. But he’d never let me believe it was my fault. He’d always said, "These things happen Asha. I miss her everyday, but I’m so grateful I still got you."

I wanted to believe him and for years I did.

When Seth died I was completely devastated. At the loss of the last member of my family. At the fact he could survive two wars yet be killed when he came back home. But most of all, at the fact he’d died because of me. Not only had I killed my brother and his fiancée, but also their future, their plans and all of their dreams.

Dad had died about six months earlier and I’d been asking Seth if he and Lara would come to Boston for Christmas, begging them to come and spend it with us. In the end they both agreed and I was beyond excited. I wanted him to come home. I missed him, but more than that, I needed him. I still had Sam of course, but I needed my brother, my family. I didn’t want to go through that first one without him.

When they flew in, Sam and I had our own place and they came to stay with us, crashing on the couch. I can remember when they first showed up. The knock on the door that Sam made no move to answer.

When I opened it, there they were, just standing on the other side smiling. "Merry Christmas Smash," Seth said, wrapping me in a hug and picking me up. He was tall like my dad and could easily lift me off the ground.

"Hey," I squealed with delight. "I thought you weren’t getting in until tomorrow morning?"

"Nah, bit of a lie that was, wanted to surprise you!" Both he and Lara were clearly delighted at my obvious shock.

I turned around and saw Sam smiling. "You knew about this?" I asked him.

"Of course," he said as if it was no big deal, even though he and I both knew it was. I pulled him towards us, hugging all of them and feeling happier than I had in a long time.

Eventually Seth said, "Okay should we dump these bags and hit the town?"

I reluctantly let him go. I’d missed him so much. I hadn’t seen him since Dad’s funeral when he’d had to leave town almost straight after. We went out that night to a local pub down the road that Sam and I liked to visit. It was one of the best nights I’d had in a long time. Just the four of us having a great time with good food and a lot of laughs. I couldn’t stop hugging Seth, I was so happy to see both him and Lara.

After Christmas had come and gone, they were supposed to go. They both wanted to try and catch up with friends for New Year’s in San Diego. "You don’t want to just stay here," I asked again, repeating what I’d been saying ever since they first arrived. "Stay and spend it with us."

Seth stood there looking at me and just smiled.

"What?" I asked confused.

"It’s already done," he said. "We changed the tickets weeks ago." He laughed when he saw my reaction and I was never more grateful. I knew what both of them were giving up for me. They had so little time together or with their friends. I knew it was a big deal for them to stay on with me, to know I would need them this year.

By the time New Year’s came around, a snow storm had hit the city. It was pretty wild and they were closing more and more streets to traffic as the plows couldn’t cope with the combination of party goers and snow. Most people were walking anyway, no chance of getting a taxi. We went to a party someone from Sam’s work was throwing. It was a great night. We rang in the New Year and partied until 6am. By the time we staggered home, all of us were drunk and the snow was still falling. What should have taken us fifteen minutes took over an hour. But we didn’t care.

We all crashed for the day and when we woke sometime in the afternoon, Seth and Lara were already running late for their flight. The snow was still falling and a lot of the trains weren’t running, so they’d have to get a car to the airport.

"The plane probably won’t even take off," I said to Seth, a hangover pounding its way into my head.

"Yeah you’re probably right," he answered. "But we still need to get out there and get something sorted."

"When are you coming back?" I asked. "Will you be back soon?" I was already missing him and he hadn’t even left yet.

He smiled at me, his eyes bloodshot and barely open. "How about summer, we can come back then. Maybe we can head out to the Cape or something?"

I gave him a hug, standing on my toes to tell him, "Thank you Seth that would be perfect."

"Of course Smash, we’ll get it organised."

When he finally found a car company that would take them to the airport, they packed their bags and I waited downstairs with them.

"Thanks for a great couple of weeks Ash," Lara said. "We really had a great time."

I smiled at her. "Thank you for staying on. Really, I appreciate it more than you can know."

Lara pulled me into a hug, "Anytime Ash, you know that. Send me some of the photos you took."

"I will, definitely."

Seth smiled sideways at us. "Come on my turn."

Lara and I said our goodbyes and then I wrapped my arms tightly around Seth. "Thank you," I whispered. "I love that you would stay here for me this year."

He tightened his arms around me whispering, "Aw sis, you really don’t have to worry about that. You’re my baby sister and I mean it when I say I’d do anything for you."

I pulled him into a tighter hug. "I know that Seth and it just makes me love you even more," I said quietly.

When the car eventually showed up, I reluctantly let Seth go. The last thing I remember is his big goofy smile as he waved at me from the back seat of the car, blowing me a kiss as they pulled away. I watched as the two of them drove off, Seth turning back in and wrapping his arm around Lara and pulling her close to him. I went back inside with a smile on my face, despite the pounding in my head.

They told me they died instantly.

The roads were covered in ice from the previous night and the snow was still falling. An SUV they said, from out of nowhere, just as their car was leaving the tunnel and turning towards Logan. An SUV, which was travelling too fast on ice-covered roads and ploughed into Seth’s side of the car, forcing it against the safety barrier and crushing them both.

They didn’t even give him a military funeral. Not killed in action, they said. Sam argued with them. He tried to sort out everything for me. I didn’t fight it, I just couldn’t. All I cared about was my brother. All I cared about was that my brother was dead and I was never going to see him again.

We buried him in Providence a few days later. It was freezing, the ground frozen solid as I laid him to rest, right beside my mother and my father. I’d sworn I wouldn’t go back there again. Lara’s family had her cremated, but they let me bury some of her ashes with Seth. It was the first time I’d seen her family since the engagement party and it was agony. And in the end, it was her parents I gave the photos to, some final reminders of the last days of their daughter’s life. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera since that day.

Seth and Lara never should have been on the road. They never should have been here at all. They should’ve been in San Diego with their friends instead of babysitting a little sister who was afraid of having a birthday without her brother.

My brother was dead. Lara was dead. They were dead because they’d come to visit me, because I’d begged them to stay and they did. They were dead because I couldn’t bear to be alone on my birthday, and now I am anyway.

∞

I wake up late, my sleep surprisingly free of nightmares once again. I’m grateful for that, so glad Luke didn’t have to listen to or witness me sleep through it all again. Outside the snow has stopped falling and the sun is shining. The brightness of all that white looks amazing, almost like the whole world has been wiped clean. A fresh start to a new year.

I go out to the living room and see that Luke has already gone. The blankets are folded and stacked at the end of the couch and I feel a tiny shred of what I think is disappointment at the fact he’s no longer here.

I walk into the kitchen and instantly know he’s brewed coffee before he left though. The smell is amazing and I wonder if he’s gone out and bought it. I don’t think I own anything that could smell that good. He must have, because sitting beside the coffee pot is a bag of chocolate croissants. I smile as I dig one out and pour myself some coffee.

Standing there at the window, watching the whitened street outside, eating my croissant and drinking my coffee, I smile again. Hanging from the window frame is a collection of guitar picks, strung together in some kind of mini mobile. Most of them are clear plastic in a variety of colours and as they dance around in the window, the sun shines through them, dispersing the light around the room.

Everywhere, tiny patches of coloured light dance all around me and it looks incredibly beautiful.

I’m still smiling when I realise in the end, yesterday didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. Deep down, a part of me hopes, wishes even, that maybe this really could be a new year after all.

A couple of weeks after my birthday, I once again find something in my locker. Of course I know who it’s from, what I don’t know is why he keeps doing this. This time it’s movie tickets. An Underworld movie marathon is showing tonight. Vampire movies, he knows I love vampire movies. I make his coffee without asking and take it out to the kitchen for him.

"What’s this?" I ask, holding the tickets up.

He turns to me and half smiles. "Um, movie tickets," he says carefully, as though I’m suggesting they’re something more.

"What for?" I ask him. I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t know why he’s bought these for me, why he keeps being so nice to me.

"For you Ash," he says simply. "I know you like the series, so I thought you might want to go. They’re all yours. Call it a belated birthday present?"

That’s all. No request to go out, nothing, just a gift from him to me. Again. I exhale. What am I doing, I ask myself.

"Ok, well thanks," I say. I turn to walk out, but suddenly stop. What I am doing is being rude. I’m being very rude to the one person who has been nothing but nice to me. So I turn around, walk back over and leave one of the tickets beside Luke’s coffee. This is as close as I can get to asking if he wants to come with me. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter because I don’t have anyone else to ask. Without saying anything, I look up at him, even though I know he’s watched me the whole time. He smiles at me and I nervously smile back. Neither of us says anything to each other.

Later that night, I’m leaving my apartment to head over to the movies when I see Luke waiting outside for me. I stop. He hasn’t noticed me yet so I stand there for just a second and watch him. Watch as he leans against the brick fence surrounding my building and watches the people passing him by. He’s bundled inside a thick jacket and although it’s cold out, he looks so relaxed, so calm, so sure, like he isn’t worried about anything. It’s a rare opportunity for me to stare at him instead of the other way around. But almost as soon as I’ve thought it, he turns and sees me.

"Hey," he says smiling at me. "Ready to go?"

I didn’t expect him to come to my house first. Didn’t expect him to come at all. I smile back at him as I answer, "Sure, let’s go."

We walk in silence to the cinema. It’s one of those older ones that occasionally screen movie marathons to try and get people to come back. It doesn’t have the best screen, but it does serve popcorn with real butter melted on it. Not the crap they serve in those mega complexes.

When we get inside I turn to Luke. "Something to eat, drink?" I ask.

He looks at me like he’s about to say something, but before he can I tell him, "I’m getting it, you bought the tickets." I don’t want this to be like a date.

He holds up his hands, smiling. "Ok thanks, coke and popcorn would be great."

I smile back at him and go and buy our stuff.

Inside the cinema we are two of only a handful of people. Luke automatically walks to the row of seating behind the wall they have to divide the front and back sections. My favourite spot.

"Ok?" He asks.

"Perfect," I say back.

We both take our jackets off and sit down, we both put our feet up and we both avoid the arm rest that sits between us. I don’t take it and neither does he.

Half way through the first movie though, we somehow both move our arm at the same time. Both of us are now resting on the arm rest between us. Both of us are pretending to ignore the fact that our arms are side by side and touching. Even though I know he’s twice held me in his arms while I cried all over him, this feels very different. We’ve both done this and we are both choosing to keep our arms there. Touching. I spend the rest of the movie half watching it and half feeling the heat along the side of my arm. Waiting for Luke to move, wondering if I should. In the end, neither of us does until the movies finish.

They only show the first two, but it’s late when we come out. We’re standing outside the cinema facing each other. We both speak at the same time.

"Do you..."

"You want…"

Luke smiles, "You go."

I smile back. "Thanks for tonight Luke, for the tickets, for coming along." That’s not what I was going to say before.

"Thanks for inviting me," he says to me. I don’t think that’s what he was going to say either.

We stand in silence again. Watching each other.

Finally I speak, "You ah….you want to grab a drink or…um, something to eat?" I turn away at the end, somehow unable to keep looking at him as I make this suggestion.

Luke moves so he’s looking right at me, bends down so I have to see him as he answers, "Yeah, I would Ash. That’d be great."

We walk in silence for a block or two until we come across a bar which has a live band playing. Both of us stop and turn to face each other. Smiling Luke says, "Here?"

Again, I smile back. "Yeah, here is good."

We go in and find ourselves a table. We grab something to eat, we have a few drinks and we listen to this band. Luke tells me he’s never seen the third movie. I tell him it’s actually a prequel and while not as good, still relevant to the story and now there’s a fourth one out too. He says maybe we should watch them sometime. I surprise myself when I agree with him.

And here tonight, all of those email conversations we’ve had suddenly become real life. All of those easy online chats suddenly become easy to have face to face. All the shit that happened with Liam and then with Luke afterwards, is forgotten. I’m not sure how this has happened, but suddenly it has. Suddenly we are acting like friends.

Nothing more happens tonight, nothing more than us talking and me somehow having a good time. Later though, when I’m back home, I realise what has really happened. I’ve been distracted by the simple act of going to the movies and grabbing a drink afterwards. I’ve been distracted from my shit life, by something that is just so normal. And it was all because of Luke.

I wonder if he even knows what he’s doing to me, if he even realises how much he’s affecting me. And I wonder why I’m letting any of this happen. Everything would be so much easier if it could always be like this.

Seven, a neutral pH that like a seventh note is dependent on its surrounding environment

∞

Playlist:

1. I’ve got this friend – The Civil Wars

2. Friends – Band of Skulls

3. To whom it may concern – The Civil Wars

∞

Every situation you find yourself in can go in any number of different possible directions. All it takes is one little trigger and something changes. One thing which at the time might seem like nothing important but actually, has the power to change everything and that change can be good or bad.

I’ve often wondered if maybe I tried to change a situation, would it ever create a different outcome or, does making the change just create the very situation I’m trying to avoid. Could I have ever stopped any of the things I’ve done? Sometimes is it better to just let things happen and see where the path takes you? Because in the end, do you really have the power to change it anyway?

∞

When I was a kid I used to love going to visit my grandparents. I never got the chance to know the ones on my Mom’s side because they’d died long before I was born, so I felt even closer to the ones I did have. My Dad was originally from Maine and that’s where his parents still lived, in a beautiful old farmhouse that I absolutely adored going to. We would usually head up there twice a year, once in the winter time and once over summer. Winter was always my favourite time of the year because of all the snow. They got loads more than we ever did in Providence and it was so much fun to play in. I used to spend hours out there until I was freezing cold and soaking wet and then I’d come inside to a warm house and a mug of hot chocolate in front of the fire.

I was twelve years old the last time I loved that trip. We’d gone up in February and the snow that had started falling as we drove up there, continued all night. When I woke up the next morning, it was very early and the entire place was blanketed in white. It was thick and fluffy and perfect for sledding. I remember racing out of bed and into Seth’s room, jumping on his bed to try and get him to wake up.

"Mmmm," came his muffled response. "What do you want?"

"Come on Seth, come outside, come outside," I said jumping on his bed.

"It’s too early Smash, go away," he mumbled back before rolling over and pulling the covers over his head.

I continued jumping for a few minutes but it was clear Seth wasn’t getting up. It was only 7am, but still, I wanted him to be as excited as me. I guess at eighteen you feel a little differently about snow and the thought of sledding. Disappointed, I climbed off the bed and made my way downstairs to the living room, wondering if I could put the TV on and wait for someone else to get up.

When I wandered down there though, Grandad was in the kitchen making himself some breakfast. I’d forgotten he was an early riser, probably because I was never usually up early enough to notice.

"Hey Grandad," I said as I walked past the kitchen.

He must have noticed my long face because he followed me into the living room to ask, "What’s wrong Ash, why so sad this morning?"

"Seth won’t get up and come outside with me," I said, sinking onto the couch in a huff.

"He won’t huh?" Grandad asked, sitting down beside me.

"No, and there’s heaps of snow outside and I just want him to come out and sled with me."

Grandad reached over and ruffled my hair as he suggested, "Well, what if I came outside with you?"

A huge smile broke out on my face as I turned to Grandad, "Really?" I asked. "You would?"

"Of course Ash, but I think you’d better go and put something warmer on, it’s pretty cold out there today," he said, smiling at me.

I raced off the couch and back upstairs to my room, yanking on as many layers as I could find. Flying back down the stairs I saw Grandad standing by the front door, pulling on his thick snow jacket and wrapping a scarf around his neck. I threw my arms around him, burying my face in his side. "Thanks Grandad, thanks for coming with me."

"Anytime Ash, anytime," he answered, tickling me as he always did, just to make me laugh.

We spent several hours out there that morning and it was so much fun. Both of us flying down the small hill that ran along the back of their property. Me always going faster because I was smaller and lighter than Grandad, Grandad always helping me haul my sled back to the top. By the time we came inside, both of us were red faced and out of breath.

Everyone else was up and in the kitchen by now and Dad was laughing when he saw the pair of us outside the back door.

"Look at you two huh, a busy morning then?" he said.

I pulled off my jacket, droplets of water falling all over the back step. I was smiling as I said, "Yep, it was the best."

As Grandad took my jacket and hung it up on the hook beside his, I padded into the warm kitchen and slid into a chair next to Seth, nudging him as he hunched over a steaming cup of coffee, still half asleep. "You should come with us next time sleepy head."

"Sleepy head, you’re usually the sleepy head Ash, I don’t how you were up so early this morning," Dad said smiling at me as Seth just grunted.

"Snow Dad, there’s snow!" I responded throwing my arms in the air.

He laughed and we all tucked into breakfast, Grandad coming to sit on the other side of me. I was starving after our morning of sledding, but I was so happy. Later on that day, Seth eventually came outside with me and we had a huge snowball fight, but for the rest of the week, as I continued to wake up early and find Grandad downstairs waiting to go sledding with me, it was just the two of us. As always Grandad had found a way to make everything better and I was happy.

Until the last day of our trip, when the inevitable happened.

∞

I’m walking home from work on Friday evening. It’s beautiful outside, winter is mostly gone now and spring is slowly on its way. The days already feel different. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight, but for once, I don’t feel like sitting at home alone.

As I walk along, I’m startled out of my daydream by the sound of someone knocking on glass. Looking up, I recognise the guys from Infinity sitting on the other side of the window. I don’t really know them that well and I can’t see Luke with them, but they’re gesturing for me to come inside.

Reluctantly, I hoist my bag further on my shoulder and push open the door to the diner. I go over to their booth and one of them sticks out his hand. "Ash hey, how are you?"

I shake his hand warily as I answer, "Okay."

"Jared, remember? I live with Luke," he says smiling. "And this is Ben and Steve, from the band," he continues, gesturing to the other guys sitting in the booth. "Have a seat, join us."

I feel a little weird standing here with these guys. Guys I don’t really know, but evidently seem to remember me. I do recognise them now and I know I met them all at Luke’s party, but that already feels like ages ago. Plus, Luke is not with them, which makes this whole thing feel even stranger.

"It’s okay thanks, I don’t want to disturb you guys." I say, already backing away from the table.

"Don’t be stupid, we called you in. Sit, have a drink with us!" Jared says to me, laughing.

So I sit. I sit next to the guy named Steve and across from Ben and Jared. They are all smiling at me and I have no idea what to say.

"So you’ve worked with Luke for a while then?" Ben eventually asks me.

"Yeah a while now I guess, maybe seven months," I answer, wondering why he’s asking me this.

"But you worked there before he started right?" Ben continues, smiling at me now.

I think back to that time. To the reason I wasn’t at work. To the reason Luke was hired in the first place. "Yes, before he started," is all I can bring myself to say.

A waitress comes over and I’m looking at her, trying to think of an excuse to escape. Ben orders another pitcher of beer and an extra glass. I’m stuck here then.

When the beer arrives, Jared pours me a drink. They’re all talking about a band they like. I’m half listening, when I feel someone slide into the booth next to me, pressing the length of their body against mine. Before I even turn, I know who it’s going to be.

"Hey," Luke says, a smile on his face.

I smile nervously back at him, "Hey."

I’m not used to being crowded like this by him. It feels very different to a shared arm rest, to my tears on his chest. Now I can feel the whole length of his body pressing against mine, feel the heat radiating off him. Now I can really smell him.

He tops up the beer he has in his hand. "When did you get here?" he asks, half turning to face me as he drapes his arm across the back of the seat behind me.

My eyes flick up to his arm and then back to his face. Up close, I can see now that his eyes are a very dark blue. They are also very alive and very bright as they watch me. "Um, I don’t know, maybe a couple of minutes ago," I suggest. "They saw me walking past outside."

He’s still smiling. "Cool, I was just on the phone, but I’m glad they caught you. Do you remember everyone?"

I unconsciously lick my lips. My mouth feels very dry so I take a sip of beer. Luke watches me. I feel like all of them are watching me.

"Yeah, I remember them, sort of. I’m surprised they remembered me actually."

Luke laughs, a little red creeping onto his cheeks. "Yeah you know, the party, plus they’ve been in to work before, and I guess they all saw you at our show too."

I’m confused. I don’t remember ever seeing them in the shop and I’m still surprised I would even be that memorable for them. I’m about to ask Luke, when Jared interrupts us.

"We should get going soon boys, Ash you’re coming with us right?"

I turn to look at Jared and see he’s smiling at me like it’s obvious I’ll be going. Luke leans over and I feel his warm breath as he whispers in my ear, "We’re going to watch a band, some friends of ours. Come with us."

It’s a statement, not a question.

I feel my hand tighten around the cold glass in response to his words. I don’t know what’s going on here. Jared and the others are all looking at me and smiling. Luke has pulled his head back, but I can feel the heat of his arm behind me. Finally someone speaks as though to diffuse the situation.

"Yeah you should definitely come with us, hang out, it’ll be fun."

What to do. What should I do?

∞

On the last morning of our stay with my grandparents, as I made my way downstairs, I found both Seth and Grandad waiting for me. I must have stopped right in my tracks, because Seth just laughed when he saw me and said, "What, you think I’m gonna keep letting you have all the fun?"

I glanced over at Grandad who was standing by the door, his jacket still hanging on the hook. "But you’re coming too, right Grandad?"

"Up to you Ash, I’ll come if you want," he said. "Or do you just want to go with Seth today?"

I glanced over at Seth who simply shrugged as though he didn’t care what happened. I didn’t want to have to choose between them, but I didn’t want one of them to not come either, so I said the only thing I could say. "Both of you come."

We did a couple of runs down the hill together, Seth always beating me because he was fearless and would fly down without even thinking about how to stop at the bottom. Grandad kept helping me pull my sled back up the hill, but after a few runs I could see he was getting tired and now seemed to be having trouble breathing.

"Are you okay Grandad?" I asked.

He could only nod at me as he tried to catch his breath which was blowing out in irregular puffs of white frost in front of him.

"Maybe you should sit down for a minute Pop," Seth said, coming over and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "I’ll do this one with Smash."

Grandad nodded and we left him sitting at the top of the hill as once again, we flew down it. When we got back to the top, he seemed better. He was breathing more normally now and smiling as he saw us. "Alright kiddo, let’s go again."

"Are you sure you’re okay Grandad?" I asked.

"Never better," he answered smiling.

So the three of us set off once more down the hill, Seth as usual getting to the bottom first and then followed by me. When we both turned back to look for Grandad who was always the slowest, he waved at us. As we were waving back, we watched as his hand suddenly went to his chest and his head bent forward. I remember calling out, "Grandad," but not sure if it was even loud enough to reach him.

And then I remember Seth dropping his sled and running up the hill towards Grandad who had suddenly veered sideways as his sled turned over and Grandad fell off it.

I remember Seth turning back to me, a look of terror on his face as he yelled, "Run Ash, run, go and get Dad."

I remember standing there, frozen on the spot, watching Grandad as he lay on the cold snow clutching his chest. I wanted to go to him, see if he was alright. He wasn’t moving at all and the only thought I had was how cold he must be, lying there on the snow.

"Run Ash. RUN!" Seth screamed at me.

And then I remember running. I remember running and running and the hard burn in my legs as I just kept telling myself to run. When I finally reached the backdoor, I ran inside screaming for Dad. He came rushing in from the living room.

"Asha, slow down, what’s wrong sweetie, what’s wrong?"

My breath was coming out in hard puffs, almost like Grandad’s had been before that last run. "It’s Grandad, something’s wrong!" I finally managed to get out. "Seth, he...Seth said to....to come and get you."

Dad took off out the back door, not even stopping to pull on his coat. I raced after him, desperate for everything to be alright. Dad turned back to me as we neared the bottom of the hill. "Go Ash, go and tell Grandma to call 911."

"But Daddy!"

"Go Ash, now!"

I ran back to the house, my legs near collapse as I raced inside to find Grandma.

Then I remember the lights and sirens. The ambulance as it pulled down their long drive and stopped in front of the house. The men in green uniforms, who emerged running to where Dad and Seth were still crouched over Grandad’s body. I remember seeing all of this from the living room window, Grandma standing behind me with her arms around my shoulders. Eventually, Grandad was lifted and taken to the ambulance and when I saw this, I pulled myself from Grandma’s arms and ran outside to see him. Seth grabbed me before I got to him though and the last thing I remember were words, spoken quietly to my Dad. Half caught phrases like exertion, heart attack, too much, over did it.

I remember Grandad coming with me every morning to go sledding when no one else would. How he would always pull my sled back up the hill every time, before racing back down with me, both of us laughing as we slid to a stop at the bottom. Grandad would never stop, just kept going up and down that hill until it was me who was exhausted and wanted to go inside.

But I remember him having to sit down and rest before that last run we all took down the hill together.

I remember choosing for him to come with me that morning, even though Seth was already up for once.

It wasn’t until later that I realised what any of this really meant, that I realised what’d happened that morning and what I’d really done to him.

∞

I go.

I try to tell myself it’s because I love live music, not because I don’t want to go home or that I might want to spend it with Luke. It’s the music, only the music and that’s why I’m going.

We finish our drinks and they all refuse my offer of cash before we head out into the night. Luke falls into step beside me, the other three somehow ending up in front of us. We don’t say anything for a while. I’m trying to think of something to say. I feel nervous with his friends around now. Nervous they might be watching us, that they’re waiting for something to happen.

"So this band," I start off with. "They’re friends of yours?"

Luke turns to me smiling. "Yeah, couple of guys Jared and I met years ago when we were first getting started. They’re pretty cool, different to us, but I think you’ll like them."

We continue in silence. Night has fallen now and it’s starting to get cooler, the warmth of the coming spring not quite extending to the evenings. I wrap my arms around myself. I wish I’d brought a jacket.

"Are you cold?" Luke asks me, half taking his jacket off as though he’s about to give it to me. I shake my head, despite the shiver than runs through me. I am cold, but it’s not just that. It’s something else, something that’s entirely unexpected. It’s the temptation of wearing his jacket, of wrapping myself in something of his, something that smells like him, is warm like him.

Almost as if it is him.

The words run through my head before I can stop them. It sends another shiver through me. Why am I even thinking this?

"You are cold," is all Luke says as he takes his jacket off and wraps it around me anyway. All at once I’m enveloped in warmth and that now familiar smell of him. I slide my arms into the sleeves and pull his jacket around me, wrapping myself in it, my arms tight around my torso to stop my body from revealing the truth. Somewhere inside of me something moves, and I have to force myself not to look at him to see if he’s noticed.

We finally arrive at a bar and when we approach the guy on the door, he smiles as though he knows them. Luke hands him some money and turns to me, "You’re all set."

I start to protest, but he just smiles at me and says, "Its okay, my shout Ash," gesturing for me to go inside.

We get stamped and we go in. It’s hot inside the club and I reluctantly take Luke’s jacket off. I’m walking behind Jared, Ben and Steve. Luke is walking behind me now. I can feel his hand lightly pressing on my lower back as though he’s guiding me, but also letting me know he’s still there. As we walk towards the bar, all I can feel is the heat of his fingers through my top and the strange feeling it’s now creating inside me. I wonder if I should’ve left his jacket on.

Suddenly his breath is in my ear again. "What would you like to drink?" he asks, his fingers still resting on my back.

I half turn. "No, this time it’s my shout Luke," I say. We’re face to face. Our mouths only inches apart. Close enough to kiss. I flinch back a little without meaning to.

He just looks at me and smiles. His eyes watch me intently as I wait for his answer and they look as though they’re glowing in the dim lights of the club. He seems so different tonight. "I’ll just have a beer, thanks," he eventually answers.

I nod and step towards the bar, tucking his jacket into my bag. I feel the absence of his fingers on my back immediately, but force myself to take a deep breath and order. I buy beers for all of us and then we find a spot amongst the crowd and wait. Luke is standing beside me. Again I can’t help but notice that he’s taller than me as he leans down to tell me about the band. I’m half listening to him and half distracted by his mouth at my ear, his breath as it moves across my skin. I can feel goose bumps across the back of my neck.

Everything seems different tonight.

When the band eventually comes on, the crowd surges forward. I feel Luke move and stand almost behind me. I can feel the heat and the touch of his body, gently pressing against mine as people crowd around us. I see Jared look over and smile at me. I think I see him wink at Luke.

I take a sip of my drink and turn back to face the band. Suddenly I want to hold the cold bottle against my skin. Cool everything down for a minute. It’s very hot in here and Luke’s body gently pressing against mine, is making me hotter. My skin feels like it’s on fire but I can’t bring myself to move away from him. I rest the beer bottle against the base of my throat, trying to cool down.

Luke is right, they are different, but I do like them. They’re much more hard rock than Infinity and their beat is almost deafening at times. After about twenty minutes though, a slower number comes on. When it starts, Luke leans down from behind me, his hand resting on my shoulder, his thumb lightly brushing against my neck as he puts his mouth to my ear and says, "This is one of my favourites." For just a second, his lips actually touch my skin and a thousand shivers run down my spine in response. At the same time, a guy walks over carrying more beers and hands one to Luke and one to me. Luke’s hand stays on my shoulder as he straightens up, takes his beer and then turns to me and says, "Ash, this is Pete, you met him at the party. Pete you remember Ash?"

Pete smiles at me and says, "Hey, nice to see you again."

I can’t remember him at all but I smile back, raise my drink at him and say, "Nice to see you too, thanks for the beer."

Pete smiles again, says something to Luke that I can’t hear and then gesturing with the remaining beers, walks over to where Jared, Ben and Steve are chatting to a couple of girls who have wandered past. I turn and watch them and see Steve’s face light up when he notices Pete walking over. I watch as Pete leans in and kisses him as he hands him a beer, before draping his arm around Steve’s shoulders. I watch as Steve smiles and almost imperceptibly tilts his body into Pete’s in response. I watch as both Jared and Ben say hi to Pete and take their beers before turning back to the girls. I smile and turn back, realising I’m standing alone with Luke again. I glance up at him and see he’s smiling too, watching them and watching me. He gently squeezes my shoulder then slowly takes his hand away, his fingers brushing the skin of my neck again as he does. My stomach clenches as I realise I wanted him to leave his hand there.

Everything is very different, but suddenly whatever it was about tonight that felt strange; doesn’t anymore. Suddenly, something feels very right, very normal and all so strangely natural in fact. To be here with his friends like this. Included with them on a night out, that just feels like a completely regular night. For me to be standing here, with Luke’s body gently pressing against mine in a room full of people who are completely unaware of this contact between us. For him to lean down and whisper words in my ear that no one else can hear. For me to be feeling this way about it all and no one else even notice it.

I close my eyes and listen. Hear the words and the music. Try to find out what it is about this song that Luke likes. The melody is haunting. The lyrics are incredibly moving. It’s a song about love and loss and recovery and it’s heart wrenching and full of emotion. It kind of makes me want to cry. When it finishes, and the next song starts, I open my eyes and find Luke watching me again.

Waiting.

I look right at him, press up on my toes and put my mouth to his ear. His hand moves now and rests lightly against the small of my back as though he’s holding me there, close to him.

"I like it," I finally say, my voice almost a whisper.

When I pull back, he’s looking right at me, his eyes watching mine as he nods his head a little, like he understands what I’ve just done. I feel like he can see right inside of me and I wonder what he’s thinking, what he sees when he looks at me like that.

I also wonder exactly what it is that’s going on between us right now, because everything really does feel different tonight.

∞

We ended up staying in Maine longer than usual this time. We had to because Grandad’s funeral wasn’t until the following weekend. I can remember Dad hugging me so tightly after they’d taken Grandad away, squeezing me and asking, "Are you alright Asha, are you alright?"

I pulled back to look at him, saw the tears falling down his face and all I could say was, "Are you okay Daddy?" as my fingers tried to brush them away.

He smiled sadly at me then and pulled me into another hug. Seth was standing close by, tears streaming down his face too and I remember thinking it was the first time I’d ever seen both my Dad and my brother crying. I wasn’t and I don’t know why my tears wouldn’t come. I was sad, I was heartbroken, but nothing would come out. Seth walked over and put his arms around us and I heard my Dad whisper, "I’m proud of you Seth, really proud of you, of both of you."

I had no idea how he could be proud of me, I’d done nothing but run. It was Seth who went to him, Seth who tried to help. All I’d done is run. All I’d done was ask Grandad to come in the first place, even when I didn’t have to.

At the funeral, Grandma stood with her arms around me the whole time, just like she had when we watched them take Grandad away. I don’t know why, but the one thing I remember, is her holding me tightly and me looking up and seeing the tears stream down her face too. I glanced over and saw tears on Dad’s face, tears on my brother’s face. Still there were no tears on mine. I desperately wanted to cry, wanted to prove that I was sad too. I didn’t know if something was wrong with me or that people would think I wasn’t sad that Grandad had died. But no matter how hard I tried, the tears wouldn’t fall.

It wasn’t until the morning after the funeral, when I woke early again and bounded down the stairs and discovered Grandad’s jacket on the hook hanging next to mine, our boots lined up side by side at the door, both of our sleds propped up against the porch, but no Grandad. It wasn’t until I saw all of this and finally realised he wasn’t ever going to be up waiting for me again that I was finally able to let go and cry.

When I finally understood Grandad was never coming back, then the tears started to fall. And for a long time it seemed like they would never stop.

∞

A week after seeing his friend’s band, I’m at work when a woman, probably around my age, comes in to ask for Luke.

I have no idea who she is but she’s very pretty. Taller than me and really well dressed in designer jeans and a fitted white shirt. Without meaning to, I already dislike her. I go and get Luke. When he comes out, I watch as his face lights up when this woman yells, "Surprise!" to him. He immediately pulls her into his arms, picking her up as she wraps her arms around him too. I’m positively seething now, even though I have no excuse to be feeling this way and no idea why I do.

I’m still staring at them when Luke puts her down and turns to me, his arm draped across her shoulders. "Ash, meet my baby sister, Mia."

Oh. His sister. Right.

"Ha, baby sister, how about younger sister thank you." Mia responds playfully punching Luke in the stomach. He laughs and wraps his other arm around her, pulling her into another hug.

I feel strangely jealous now. I can’t help it. I don’t know if it’s because he and his sister are so close just like Seth and I once were, or because she’s allowed to touch him like that. Maybe it’s both, a stupid voice inside my head tells me.

"You are a baby sometimes Mia. Anyway, this is Ash." Luke says, gesturing to me smiling.

"Ah, Ash," Mia says cryptically, looking up at Luke before extending her hand to me. "Nice to finally meet you Ash."

"You too," I reply shaking her hand, confused at what she means by finally. "Are you visiting from somewhere?" I ask, trying to be nice.

"Yeah, Chicago, just for the weekend though."

"She’s finally coming to watch us play," Luke explains, rolling his eyes at his sister playfully.

"You’ve never seen them?" I ask her, genuinely surprised.

"Unfortunately no, not properly anyway," Mia responds, sticking her tongue out at Luke in response. "But tonight definitely. You’re coming right? You can keep me company while they’re on."

I glance at Luke but he doesn’t say anything, just looks at me now. I don’t know if I am. I’ve been to their shows before and it’s not that I don’t want to go, but as usual I wonder if I should. Both of them are watching me and I can see the resemblance now, they definitely look alike. They both wear identical faces; expectant, almost hopeful expressions. I notice she has the same blue eyes as him.

Finally Luke speaks, his voice sounding a little different to normal. "You’re always welcome to come along Ash; and I’d really like you to."

I take a deep breath. "Okay sure, I’ll come along." I smile, I can’t help it, and I do want to go. He wants me to go, even Mia wants me to go.

"Fantastic!" Mia says as she moves out of Luke’s arms and pulls me into a hug now. I don’t know why she does this, but I feel my own arms go cautiously around her. Okay, I don’t hate her anymore. I’m looking at Luke over her shoulder as we hug and he has a strange look on his face although he’s smiling at me. I wonder what he’s thinking as I look back at him and I’m about to ask, when he mouths thank you to me.

Now I really don’t know what to think.

∞

Sam’s sister never liked me. I don’t know why, maybe it was a protective older sister thing, maybe she never thought I was good enough for him, but from the minute we met, we never got along. Of course by the time he died, she truly hated me, and by then I couldn’t really blame her.

The rest of his family still lived in Seattle, Sam was the only one to have gone away to school and stayed away when he finished. He always told me, "I spent my whole life in Seattle Ash, by the time I got to school, I needed to stay away."

In some ways I could understand that, I’d never even left Providence until I met Sam. Of course when I did, I didn’t really go back, but I hadn’t exactly ventured far. Boston’s only an hour away by train, so in the grand scheme of things, it was hardly a big adventure. But I’m glad I did it, even if it did destroy so many parts of my life, me living in Boston. I understood what Sam meant when he said he needed to get away.

Sometimes I think I should do it again.

When Sam finished at BU and graduated, his whole family came over. I’d never met his parents before, nor his sister or brother. Sam was the youngest and I guess being the baby of the family, he was also the favourite. I remember how protective Seth always was of me, and I felt like I would understand how Ethan and Kate would be protective of Sam. They were, just not in the way I imagined.

When we met them at the airport the day before graduation I remember watching as Sam half-ran towards his family, all of them embracing at once. I remember feeling surprisingly left out as they all stood there chatting, hugging and kissing each other hello, none of them, Sam included, seemingly noticing I was even there.

But then he turned, smiling at me and said, "Guys, this is my girlfriend, Ash." Holding out his hand and gesturing for me to join them.

As I walked over I saw his Mom smile at me, his Dad smiled with raised eyebrows as though he was surprised Sam even had a girlfriend. Ethan just looked blankly at me, whereas Kate outright glared at me. Only Sam was genuinely smiling. Only Sam seemed happy to have me there.

"Nice to meet you all," I said nervously, walking straight towards Sam.

We all went out for dinner that night and to be fair, they did welcome me, they were all nice to me, all except for Kate. At one point during the meal when Sam put his arm around me, she actually scowled at me, as though it was my fault he’d done it and more to the point, it shouldn’t have happened in the first place.

Later, when we were back at home I said to Sam, "I don’t think Kate likes me very much."

He smiled and said, "She’s just a protective older sister Ash, she likes you, don’t worry. She’s always like this at first."

"So she’s been like this with your other girlfriends?" I asked, not explaining exactly what this was.

"All of them," he smiled. "Every time."

"How many have you had?" I asked.

Sam laughed now. "Yeah there have been a few."

"And she’s like this with all of them?"

Sam hugged me as he said, "She is babe, I promise. Don’t worry she’ll grow on you."

The only problem is, she never did.

The next day at his graduation she didn’t speak to me at all, except to tell me in a hushed whisper when the rest of his family was busy posing for pictures with Sam, that she didn’t think I was good enough for Sam and, "I’d soon see what she meant."

As I looked at her, I wondered exactly what it was that she didn’t like about me. I had no idea, so I just said to her, "Soon see what?"

"Eventually he’ll get sick of you," she hissed back at me, "And move back to Seattle, without you."

That was the last thing she said to me, for the rest of her trip, and in the end she was right. About part of it anyway.

∞

We’re at the club now, waiting for them to come on. They’re still setting up when Mia returns with beers for both of us.

"How come you’ve never seen them play?" I ask her.

She laughs in response. "Back when I used to visit more, they pretty much sucked. I don’t think they could get many shows. I guess now they’ve changed," she says shrugging.

I smile as I take a sip of my beer. "I don’t know what they were like before, but I can say that they are amazing now."

Mia turns to me. "My brother thinks you are amazing Ash," she says simply, her blue eyes looking straight at me, exactly like Luke does.

I nearly choke on my beer. "What?"

"My brother thinks you’re amazing," she says again, shrugging as if it’s no big deal. "He’s crazy about you, anyone can see that."

I’m standing there just staring at her. I don’t know what to say. "What?" is all I can manage again.

She just smiles at me and then Infinity comes on and starts to play and I can’t ask anything more.

I watch Mia as she starts to see exactly what her brother can do now. She’s wearing a look of complete pride, like she’s known it all along and now she’s just finally seeing the proof. I can’t resist leaning over between songs and asking her, "What do you think?"

She turns to me and smiles. It looks like there are tears in her eyes. "You were right," she says back to me. "They really are amazing."

We both watch them play, me enjoying their show again and Mia enjoying it for the very first time. It’s hard to know which one of us enjoys it the most, but at one point when Luke starts playing a cover of a song which he dedicates to Mia, smiling at her as we stand at the back of the room, Mia grips my arm as the crowd around us goes wild, and I somehow know exactly what she’s thinking.

When they come off stage, Mia launches herself at Luke telling him over and over again how fantastic they are now. I can’t help but smile as I watch them. She eventually lets him go, hugging the rest of the guys in turn and Luke comes over to me.

"Thank you Ash, you know, for hanging out with Mia, for looking after her tonight," he says.

I look up at him and smile. "It was no drama Luke honestly. Mia’s really, really nice." And she is. She’s just like him.

He clinks his beer bottle to mine and leans down to whisper, "Well in any case, I owe you one Asha."

A shiver runs through me as I think really, it’s probably me that owes him. A lot.

When he pulls back, I can’t stop myself from staring at him. He looks back at me in a way that’s similar to how he was looking at me when we watched his friend’s band play last weekend, and I get the sudden feeling he wants to say something to me. I wonder what it is, but before he gets a chance, he’s distracted by Ben who grabs his arm for something. I watch as Luke turns away, resisting the urge to reach out and stop him, ask him what he was going to say to me. And then, Mia is by my side and this time she leans over to speak quietly to me, like she doesn’t want the others to hear. "See, crazy about you."

I turn to her suddenly. "What are you talking about Mia?" I whisper fiercely.

"He can’t take his eyes off you Ash. You’re all he sees," she says. "He’s just waiting for you to see him," Mia continues, sliding her arm around my waist as though we’ve known each other for ages.

"How do you know all this stuff?" I ask her, frustrated.

She smiles at me, pulling me tighter against her and whispering, "Everyone can see it Ash, everyone but you."

I’m suddenly flooded with a thousand different sensations all at once; lightheaded, hot, dizzy, scared.

"He’s worth it you know," she continues, as if to reassure me. "Don’t be scared by him, by how he feels about you."

It feels like the room is slowly spinning now. I take a sip of my beer, relishing the cold liquid as it moves down my throat and sneak a glance at Luke. He’s still talking to Ben and isn’t looking at me. I wonder if he knows what Mia’s telling me, if he knows what she’s just told me. I wonder what he would think if he knew she had told me. I wonder what it was he was about to say to me before, whether he’ll try to tell me later. I’m still staring at him when he suddenly looks up. His dark blue eyes meet mine for the briefest of moments, but this time I see it.

This thing with Luke.

Mia’s right. He does feel something. I don’t know why I didn’t notice it earlier. I don’t know if I would’ve done something different if I had.

I don’t know what to think or feel about any of it, except scared. But strangely enough, it’s not him I’m scared of anymore, it’s me.

By many, eight is regarded as lucky, yet by some it classifies you as crazy

∞

Playlist:

1. Lay it down – The Rubens

2. Girls like you – The Naked & Famous

3. Bloodstream – Stateless

∞

I feel like I’m going crazy, really going crazy. I don’t know why I didn’t notice this was all happening. Why I didn’t realise what he was doing to me or even what I was starting to feel now too.

This time around it was so different, but still.

I should’ve recognised what it meant when it all started happening again.

∞

When I eventually told Sam about me, he suggested maybe I should talk to someone.

"Why, because you think I’m crazy?" I asked angrily.

"No Ash," he said, immediately trying to calm me down. "I just think after everything you’ve been through, losing your friends, your aunt and stuff, that maybe talking to someone about it, would be a good idea babe."

I turned away from him, embarrassed. "I thought I could talk to you," I answered quietly.

"Ash," he said gently, pulling me into a hug. "You can always talk to me babe. But I’m scared I don’t know the right things to say. Scared maybe you need to talk to someone who understands all these things, tell you it’s ok to feel all this." His hands brushed my hair back as he kissed me. "I’m afraid I could make it worse."

I smiled at him. "You don’t make it worse Sam, I promise. You’re the only person I’ve ever felt I could tell this to. You’re the only person I’ve ever told and to be honest, I can’t believe you’re still here, especially after hearing it all."

Sam tightened his arms then, pulling my head onto his shoulder. "Ash, I’ll always be here babe, always."

Even then, those words sent a shiver through me.

But, I did take his advice and a couple of weeks later I found myself a therapist. And in the end, she was fantastic. She said a lot of great things to me, most of which I don’t believe anymore, especially now, but at the time they seemed to work.

Her name was Angela and she must have been in her fifties. She was very sweet and very patient and very good at listening to me. Actually I think what it really was, is she was very good at getting me to talk to her, to open up a little. I didn’t tell her everything, not like I’d told Sam, but I did talk to her about all the people I’d lost, about my fears of losing more, especially those closest to me.

"Feeling this way is very normal Ash," she said to me. "Everybody gets angry when they lose someone they love, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. Everybody worries that it might happen again."

I wanted to tell her for me, it always happened again.

Angela said these feelings of anger and fear often stem from a wanting to have the chance to see and do everything we could ever possibly want to do. That a lot of it was a selfish need to make sure we didn’t miss out. But the other part was also about not getting the chance to say goodbye to someone we truly care about and how that can destroy our ability to get close to someone else, for fear of it all happening again, for fear of being hurt.

"You need to believe that there’s nothing you could’ve done to change things Ash, that these things do happen and it’s just a part of life."

I really struggled to believe her when she told me that.

Angela also told me I had to forgive myself. That I had to let it all go, I needed to let it go. Yes, it was okay to be angry and sad and to miss the people I’d lost, but eventually I had to move on. It wasn’t healthy to keep all that anger and pain bottled inside me, because in the end it would hurt not just me, but those around me too.

I wish I could’ve known back then what I know now. I wish I could’ve understood how true her words would be. Because looking back, I now realise just how right she was, how the constant death I’ve had to endure, the people I love being taken from me, has made me into the person I am today.

I know I’m not really crazy, but I do know I keep losing people and because of that, I’m afraid to let anyone in, afraid to form attachments and afraid of falling in love again.

Unfortunately, I don’t have anyone to talk to about this anymore.

∞

On Monday morning when I walk in to work, Luke is already here. I didn’t see or speak to him for the rest of the weekend and I assume Mia has now gone back to Chicago. Her words are still running around in my head, but we never spoke more about it for the rest of the night. And I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all the things she did tell me.

After I dump my bag in the staff room, I go in to say hi and see if he wants his usual coffee. I’m nervous about seeing him, knowing all the things I now know. I wonder if Mia told him what she said to me. I wonder what he would think, if he knew what I knew. What he would do?

I wonder what I should do.

When I walk into the kitchen, I’m distracted from my thoughts because something smells divine, I mean truly divine.

"Hey," I say, "coffee?"

Luke looks up at me and smiles. God, he really does have a nice smile. I feel myself smiling back at him, and my first thought is maybe he doesn’t know what Mia said to me.

"Sure, thanks Ash. Then come back out here, I have something for you," he says before he goes back to doing whatever he’s doing. I turn and walk out to the front, not sure exactly what that something will be. Maybe he does know what she said. I have no idea, I really have no idea.

I make us coffee. I walk back into the kitchen and I go over to Luke and put his coffee down. In front of him are a row of plates. Each of them has a different dish on it. All of them look delicious. The room smells amazing. And Luke looks excited.

"Thanks," he says, when I gesture towards his mug. He smiles when he sees the cup of black coffee in my hands. I take a sip to hide whatever it is I’m feeling. Am I blushing?

Luke wipes his hands on a cloth and pulls out a stool for me, motioning for me to sit down. I look at him questioningly, but don’t say anything, just sit.

"Okay," he finally says. "I need you to try these for me."

I look up at him, "Why?"

He laughs. "Well for one thing, I’m trying to decide what to put on the menu and I’d really like your opinion."

"You want me to tell you what tastes good?" I ask, completely stating the obvious. God what is wrong with me?

"Yeah," he confirms. "I really want your opinion. I mean you do like my cupcakes," he continues, giving me another little smile at the same time.

"That’s because they’re really good Luke," I stupidly say. Oh shit, shit. Why, am I saying all of this? What the hell is wrong with me? Just shut up Ash, shut the hell up.

"Here," he says, holding out a fork to me, full of what looks like scrambled eggs.

I take the fork from his hand, our fingers brushing. I can see that my hand is shaking. I don’t know if he sees it, he’s too busy looking at my face. He watches as I take the fork from his hand and put it in my mouth. Oh wow, it’s amazing. So creamy and tasty, I can’t help the moan that escapes my lips.

He laughs again. "Good then?"

I can only nod because I’m too busy getting another serving of the eggs. I’m glad I don’t normally have breakfast.

He takes the fork from my hand. "Okay, hold up, you need to try them all first," he says before putting the same fork into his mouth.

I sit there just staring at him. Watch as he takes the fork from my hand and puts this same fork in his mouth. The same fork I just used to eat from. I feel my stomach flip and I know it’s definitely not from the eggs.

When he takes this same fork, gets some of the next dish and holds it out to me, my stomach positively rolls. I reach out to take it, but my hands are still shaking, badly. I grip my coffee instead, trying to force them to stop with the burning heat.

Now I know he notices.

"Here," he says softly, as he gestures the fork towards my mouth.

His eyes watch me intently and I feel trapped in his gaze, unable to move. I have no other option, so I just lean in and let him feed me.

This time something shorts out in my brain. I don’t know if it’s from the food he’s given me or the fact that he’s fed me or both. Whatever it is, I like it. I like all of it.

The dish is a frittata and it’s full of roasted vegetables and some gorgeous tasting cheese. The fork that has just been in his mouth is once again in mine. It’s almost like he’s letting me taste him, as though we’re tasting each other. When I take the food, I watch Luke, as he watches my mouth and I keep watching him as he slides the fork out. This time I notice his eyes darken.

Already, this is driving me crazy and we’re only getting started.

He smiles at me again. "Good?" he asks and I don’t even know where to begin.

I nod and take another sip of coffee, holding the mug in both hands. I watch as Luke takes a bite of the second dish, tasting what he’s just given me. Tasting me too. He moves onto the next dish and again he feeds it to me. Again he watches me as I taste it, and again he tastes the food after me. Then he moves on to the next one.

There are eight plates in total and by the end of it, I feel like I’m drunk.

After the last dish, when Luke has tasted some of it, he puts the fork down, takes a sip of coffee, looks at me and asks, "So, what do you think?"

I think my eyes have glazed over. I think my brain has completely switched off and exited the building. I’m licking my lips, trying to savour all of the flavours he’s given me, trying to work out exactly what has just happened. I’m trying to get the butterflies that have suddenly taken up residence in my stomach, to slow down.

They won’t.

And all Luke does is look at me with those dark blue eyes, smile questioningly and ask, "Did you like any of them?"

I groan, I can’t help it and Luke lets out a soft laugh when I do.

"All of them," I finally say. "All of them are amazing."

His smile is bigger now and he hands the fork back to me. "Great, finish them off for me and we’ll put them all on the menu."

I do. I finish them. Luke grabs another fork now and helps. We sit there in comfortable silence sharing the food he’s made. The food that’s sending my taste buds to heaven and back. The same food he’s just fed to me. As I sit there watching him eat, a crazy thought enters my head. I suddenly wonder what it would be like to really taste him. What he would taste like if I just leant over and kissed him. I’m distracted by the thought and our fingers brush against each other as we reach for the same dish. It sends strange sensations up my arm and when I sneak a look to see if Luke has felt it too, he’s intently watching his fork, but he’s smiling.

Shit, I think Mia must have said something to him after all.

∞

When I got together with Sam, I desperately wanted everyone else to like him too. I really wanted my Dad and Seth to like him and more than that, I wanted Sam to like them.

We’d been together for about eight weeks when I decided I’d better introduce him to everyone. I knew Seth was back in town on leave, so I arranged for us to go down to Providence and for me to get this whole introduction thing over and done with.

"What’s the big deal Ash?" Sam had asked me the night before. "I’m sure everything’s going to be fine!"

Maybe for him yes, but for me, I wasn’t so sure. Sam was my first serious boyfriend. My first real boyfriend to be honest and I was in love with him. I wasn’t worried about how Sam felt about me, I was worried about what my family would think. I needed them to like him and him to like them. I wanted it to be like Lara and Seth. Dad adored Lara and she adored him. She was an easy fit into our family and even when Seth wasn’t around she would still go and see my Dad.

That’s what I wanted with Sam.

So one sunny Saturday morning, we hopped on a train and went down to Providence. My Dad was going to BBQ at home and we would crash there for the weekend. I remember walking out of the train station and finding Dad standing there, a grin on his face as he waited for us.

"Dad!" I yelled, flying into his arms. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I’d come and pick you up kiddo, meet this fella of yours first before we subject him to Seth," he answered laughing as he pressed a kiss to my cheek.

I turned and watched as Sam walked towards us, hand out to my Dad. "Hey, I’m Sam, nice to meet you Mr Black."

I watched Dad smile back at him as he said, "Huh, so you’re the one my girl is crazy about then?" Blushing I turned to Sam, watched as he smiled at me before turning back to Dad and saying without hesitation, "More than just crazy about sir, but yeah that’s me."

Dad nodded just the tiniest bit then, as though he really liked his answer before he shook Sam’s hand saying, "It’s Michael and very nice to meet you too."

Dad drove us home and while I was a lot more relaxed that one of the introductions was over and done with, I knew I’d suffer at the hands of Seth. He might be my brother and I loved him very much, but he certainly liked to tease me if he had the chance.

And just as I expected, Seth couldn’t resist. "So, it’s true love then?" he asked us teasingly, as we all sat down together.

"Absolutely," Sam said without hesitation, pulling me closer.

We were sitting around the outdoor table on the deck while Dad cooked steaks nearby. Sam was sitting next to me with his arm around my shoulders and while Seth and Lara were virtually a mirror image of us across the table, Seth was smiling like a complete loon in our direction.

"Seth!" Lara said sternly, swatting him on the chest with her hand.

"What?" he asked laughing again.

I couldn’t help but blush, even as Sam squeezed my shoulder, trying to reassure me. I was hoping that Seth could restrain himself, but evidently his politeness when I first introduced them was to be short-lived.

"Don’t tease your poor sister like that," Lara continued smiling in sympathy at me.

Sam leant over to kiss my temple, seemingly unconcerned about what was being said as Seth continued. "Come on, I was only pointing out how cosy they are and enquiring as to whether they were in love."

"No you ass, you were trying to embarrass Ash."

I was shaking my head now, silently thanking Lara whilst trying to work out a way to get back at Seth. I know he was only teasing me, but it was the last thing I needed right now. I was already nervous about him meeting Sam, I didn’t need him to embarrass me any more.

"And you’re hardly one to talk Seth," Dad suddenly said, walking over from the grill. "It’s not like you weren’t a complete basket case when you were trying to get together with Lara."

I laughed at Dad’s words, knowing only too well how true they were. And now it was Seth’s turn to be embarrassed, although he hid it well, raising his eyebrows at me as he asked, "What are you talking about?"

Lara snorted with laughter as I jumped in and said, "Um, you mooned after her for weeks Seth. And then that night at the party, god you were like a lovesick puppy, following her around all night."

"I was not!" Seth said.

"Ah, yeah you were," Lara and I said at the same time, laughing.

"Really?" Seth asked genuinely, turning to look at Lara.

"Afraid so baby," she replied, smiling as she brushed his cheek with her hand. "Isn’t that right Ash?" she asked, turning to look at me.

I just laughed, nodding my head as Dad gestured with his tongs in Seth’s direction. "Completely pathetic," he said making a face, before turning to smile at me.

"A pathetic, love-sick puppy huh?" Seth confirmed.

"Understatement of the year bro," I confirmed.

Seth thought about it for a second, looking first at me and Sam, sitting together with Sam’s arm around my shoulders, before he turned back to look at Lara.

"Oh well, totally worth it," was all he said, shrugging before he leant in and kissed her.

I rolled my eyes before turning back to Sam, who was looking at me with a smile on his face. I was about to ask him what he was smiling about, but he just leant in and kissed me too and pretty soon, I forgot all about Seth’s teasing.

Later that night when Seth found me alone in the kitchen, he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, laughing as he said to me, "Sorry about earlier Ash, I guess you must really be mad about this guy?"

"Why do you say that?" I asked, glancing out to the living room where I could see Sam talking to Dad and Lara.

"Um because of how nervous you were today," he said laughing at me.

I was nervous yes, but it was only because I wanted them to like Sam, love him like I did. "I just want you guys to like him Seth," I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

"We do Smasha, he seems like a really great guy."

I smiled up at him then as I answered, "He is Seth, he’s really great."

"Good," Seth said, kissing the top of my head. "But if he ever hurts you, then I’ll kick his ass!"

I laughed, knowing that would never happen and just like that, it was over. Dad, Seth and Lara all thought Sam was great, and Sam really liked all of them too. Everybody got on and I didn’t know what the hell I was ever worried about. Whatever it was, it had been for nothing.

At least then anyway.

∞

When I wake up this morning, the first thing I hear is voices, coming from my kitchen. I lie here for a second, but before I feel afraid, laughter comes and I instantly recognise it. Smiling, I pull myself out of bed and walk in to the kitchen. I stand silently in the doorway and watch them. They haven’t noticed me yet, but there they are; Dad and Luke, sitting at the kitchen table having coffee and laughing together like they’re old friends. I watch them for a minute, the smile still on my face. I knew they’d get on, of course, they are so alike in so many ways. I wonder where Seth is. It’s a pity he can’t be here too, because I know he would also like Luke. They turn to me and they both smile. I’m about to walk in and give my Dad a hug when he says to me hey kiddo, you’re awake, about time sleepy head.

And it’s with those words that I suddenly know.

This isn’t really happening, this isn’t real. I’m dreaming and as much as I want to stay in this dream, I can’t, already I’m being pulled awake, pulled from this picture. I don’t understand how the nightmares can hold me so tightly but this dream can so easily let me go. All I want to do is stay, but I can’t.

My eyes open.

The sun is streaming through my window and it’s the start of a beautiful day. Luke’s voice still echoes softly through my room, but I’m not dreaming anymore. Today is Sunday, but it’s more than that and I think I know why I had that dream now.

I get up, take a shower, get dressed and walk outside. I buy two coffees and I keep walking. I know exactly where I’m going. Without thinking about it, I just keep walking. I’m very nervous when I knock on the door, but the look on his face when he opens it, changes that.

"Hey!" he says to me smiling. He’s standing there in sweat pants, an old t-shirt and bare feet and all I can do is stare at him. It’s like I’m seeing him for the very first time and the only thing I can think is; he looks delicious, edible.

How come I never noticed this before?

I take a deep breath. "Hey, coffee?" I ask, holding the cup out to him.

"Thanks, you wanna come in?" Luke holds the door open as though me showing up unannounced like this is all perfectly normal. I also realise that he looks like maybe he just got out of bed. I try to block the sudden picture that creates in my brain.

"Ah, well, I’m actually here to see if I can buy you breakfast?" I’m nervous again now. "I feel like I owe you a meal or probably several really."

"What?" he asks, half laughing.

I run my hand through my hair, pulling it over my shoulder. How to explain this to him?

"Luke, I feel like I’ve been kind of a basket case ever since I met you, you know…..your house warming, work, my birthday. Plus you take me to see your friend’s band, the cupcakes, the movies, the food. I figure breakfast is the least I can do." I’m counting all these things off on my fingers as I say them, as though this will somehow all make sense to him.

He’s definitely laughing now as he reaches out and pulls me inside his apartment. "No need Ash, I promise it’s all good." My arm tingles from where his fingers touch me.

I follow him into the living room. The door to his bedroom is open and I can’t help glancing in. The first thing I see is his unmade bed, a book lying facedown on the duvet. It definitely looks as though he’s just gotten out of bed. I briefly close my eyes as the tingle that was just in my arm, now runs all the way through me.

"Well, how about I would feel better if I took you out for breakfast," I try, turning back to face him.

Luke takes a sip of the coffee I’ve brought him and looks right at me. He runs his hand absently over his shaved head, his t-shirt rising at the waist to reveal a hip bone and bare skin that is just asking to be touched. God, he’s making this harder.

"Well, if you insist," he says smiling. "Then how can I possibly say no?"

"Well only if you don’t have other plans," I say quickly. "If you do, then of course another day is fine." I’m being a total idiot.

"No plans Ash," he replies, still smiling at me. "Just give me a sec to have a shower though?"

Oh god, that’s the last thing I need to be picturing in my head, I think, swallowing the groan before it gives me away. I try smiling back at him, "Sure."

I wait in the living room while he goes into his bedroom. He half shuts the door on the way in, but it doesn’t quite close. I should move so I can’t see in there, but of course I don’t.

Thankfully he shuts the door to his bathroom. I hear the water come on and I can hear him singing while he takes a shower. Of course, what I really need to do is stop trying to picture him under the water in there. I half think about leaving, but of course I don’t. I continue to sit there on his couch and try to block the image of Luke, naked, from my brain. When he comes out, steam escapes from the room first, followed by Luke and he’s already fully dressed.

I’m both relieved and disappointed.

I’m not sure what I would’ve done had he walked out in just a towel. My stomach is already in knots just thinking about it.

He comes back into the living room with shoes as I pretend to be flicking through a guitar magazine of all things. I’m really glad Jared isn’t here to see me like this, because I’m sure he would see something else, see what’s really going on with me.

Luke sits next to me on the couch, puts on his shoes and turns to me. "So, where too?"

Oh wow, he smells really good. "I just woke you up, didn’t I?" I ask.

He laughs. "Woke, no, got out of bed, yes. But don’t worry about it Ash."

What the hell am I really doing, I finally ask myself as those butterflies all start up again.

∞

I used to see Angela once every couple of weeks. Most of the time I would go in my lunch break, as her office was only an eight minute walk away. For the first few sessions we would talk about a different death and how I was feeling because of it. I never did tell her the whole truth, the circumstances surrounding each of them. I didn’t want to admit blame to her, I was too afraid to, but for the first time in my life, I was honest about how it all affected me, how they made me feel. I thought she was starting to help, thought I was really starting to understand my own feelings and reactions to it all. Even Sam thought I seemed happier and that made me happy because the last thing I wanted was to push him away, destroy the relationship we had.

"Thank you Sam," I said to him. "Thank you for getting me to do this."

He just smiled and hugged me. "Anything Ash, anything I can do to help."

I loved that he cared that much about me, that he would look after me like that. I couldn’t understand how I’d gotten so lucky with Sam. How Nate had known he was exactly what I needed, that he’d been so right about us. I was so grateful that he did.

I’d been going to see Angela for about eight months when it eventually happened. It hadn’t been my usual lunch time appointment, I’d changed that. Rung and asked if we could switch days, I can’t even remember the reason why anymore. But Angela had just said, "I’m full for the rest of the week, why don’t you come after work today, I’ll stay back and we can talk then?"

That was exactly the kind of person she was, and so that night after work, I went over to her office. We talked and talked and it was really good. When I left her office it was late and both of us were heading in the same direction, so we walked together.

I remember when I said goodbye to her at the train station and walked off, I was smiling. I was finally starting to feel good about things, wondering if maybe I needed to keep seeing her anymore. I was smiling at the idea that I was finally coming to terms with all the death. Finally I felt like I understood my reactions, my feelings to it all.

When we got to the T station, we went our separate ways and as I walked away from the station the last thing I remember is hearing someone yell. I didn’t think anything of it at the time because there were always crazies in the T stations. I would’ve been walking down there with her had I not suggested to Sam we go and grab dinner together before heading home.

I wonder if things would’ve been different if I’d walked down those steps with Angela. Would I have stopped her when she ran for her train? Would I’ve been able to grab her as she fell down the stairs? Would I have been able to stop her from dying? Like I said, I heard a yell, but that was all. I’m just really glad I didn’t hear the crack of her neck, breaking as she fell down the stairs. Selfish of me I know, considering I was the reason she was even there in the first place.

When Angela died, it took me a long time to work out why. I couldn’t understand how a woman I’d barely known could die as a result of me. I’d always thought it only happened to those I loved, the ones who got close to me, those people who really meant something to me. And I was very scared it was now going to start happening to anyone around me.

But in the end I realised what it was. In the end I realised that in fact I did love Angela, but in a different way to what I’d previously known. Yes she was my therapist, but more than that, she was a mentor, a role model, someone who was helping me a great deal, more than I ever expected. And to be honest she was a woman who had everything I didn’t, a woman who was in control of her life, her emotions and her future.

And in the end I realised she was everything I wanted to be.

And that’s what had killed her.

∞

We walk out into the morning. The fresh air is helping. I can no longer smell the intoxicating aroma of freshly showered Luke. The butterflies that seem to permanently live in my stomach now, are slowly starting to calm down.

We keep walking and Luke doesn’t ask me where we’re going. Instead we talk about music, a new album Luke’s bought, which he thinks I might like. There’s a song on there he’d like the band to do a cover of. When we reach the train station, he still doesn’t say anything as we walk down the stairs and I buy us two tickets. When the train arrives he follows me to a seat and slides in beside me. His shoulder is touching mine and I don’t move away. Neither does Luke.

We spend most of the train ride talking about music again. There’s a festival Luke wants to go to. He actually suggests we go together and I don’t even think about, I just smile and say yes. Then about eight minutes from our stop, I turn to him and say, "It’s one of my favourite places for breakfast."

He just nods and says, "Sounds good Ash."

"I’m from Providence," I continue, by way of explanation.

"LA," Luke says. "Although I haven’t been back in nearly eight years."

"Yeah I’ve hardly been back either." I say quietly.

Dad used to take me to this place all the time, me and Seth whenever he was around. For some reason though, I never once took Sam there. I don’t know why, maybe because we never lived in Providence together. Although it doesn’t appear that’s reason enough to stop me now and I don’t want to think about what me bringing Luke here might really mean.

I’m staring out the window, watching as we approach the station in silence. I don’t look at Luke, but I do smile when he gently squeezes my hand.

When we walk out of the station, the sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day. I almost expect to see Dad waiting for me, for us. But of course he isn’t, so instead, I turn left and we walk up the hill towards Brown. The place feels at once so familiar and so distant. Nothing much has changed since I left, nothing except for me.

When we reach Thayer Street, I turn right and we walk a little way until I find it. Inside everything is as I remember it. We are seated at a table by the window. I don’t even have to look at the menu to know what I’m having. I always used to have the same thing.

After we order and our coffees arrive, I finally speak to Luke. "So, is your family still out in LA?"

I see a quick grimace cross his face. "Yeah my parents are, but Mia as you know, lives in Chicago."

I briefly wonder if he doesn’t want to talk about it, but I ask anyway. "And you don’t go and visit them?"

His hand runs over his head again. "Nah, I don’t really get on with my parents anymore. I mean we haven’t really spoken in seven or eight years actually. Mia and I are close obviously, but not my parents and me."

I wonder why. I feel like I’m prying by asking, so instead I surprise myself by saying, "Both of my parents are dead, my brother too."

"Oh shit Ash, I’m so sorry," he says immediately, his hand reaching out to take mine as though it’s the most natural thing in the world.

I can’t even remember what I just said to him. I’m aware of nothing but the fact we are now practically holding hands. His are warm and soft, but I can feel callouses on his fingertips as they brush over my knuckles. Soft fingers, worn from playing his guitar.

Finally I take a deep breath and try to speak. "It’s okay Luke, really. I didn’t say it to make you feel bad. More to let you know you aren’t the only one."

His hand is still holding mine and our fingers thread together now as Luke reaches out his other hand and gently plays with the silver ring around my thumb, slowly twisting it. It’s making my heart pound in my chest as though it’s trying to escape and all those butterflies have started up again. I don’t know if it’s him doing this to me or if it’s because we’re holding hands, right here in this restaurant. I’m holding my breath and trying not to move. I don’t want him to notice what he’s doing in case he pulls his hands away.

"Yeah but for me it was a choice," he eventually says. "Which is not the case for you."

No, more like my fault, I think to myself. I smile at him and say nothing more and he continues to hold my hand until our food arrives.

Over breakfast we talk about easier things. Luke is excited about some upcoming shows they have, about the possibility of music industry people coming and seeing them play soon. As always, when he talks about his music, his whole face lights up. It’s easy to see how much he loves it.

When we finish eating, I pay and as we’re walking out the door Luke surprises me by saying, "So, should we go and visit them?"

"Who?" I ask, confused.

"Your family."

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I ever consciously thought about doing that, even knowing what day it is today. I guess some part of me must have though, it’s why I came here in the first place. I think it must be why I had that dream.

"You’d do that?" I ask him quietly.

"Of course," he answers, smiling at me and taking my hand again as we walk out of the restaurant.

The walk takes us over an hour. Luke holds my hand the whole way, his fingers occasionally twisting the ring on my thumb. We don’t talk much, just a random question from Luke about some building or area when we pass by. He’s never been to Providence before and he seems kind of excited at everything he sees. I answer all of his questions, but I’m feeling very nervous about going to the cemetery. I don’t know why, maybe it’s having Luke with me, maybe it’s just because it’s the first time I’ve been back since they all died. I never wanted to come back here again, not after Dad, not after Seth. Not ever. But somehow, here I am anyway.

When we arrive at the gates, Luke drops my hand. I notice instantly, but don’t say anything. We walk in there and I wind my way through to where I know they’re all buried. Three graves, side by side; my mother, my father and my brother.

There isn’t even room for me. I should be the only one lying there.

I stand in front of the three headstones looking down at them. Luke stands beside me, not touching me. Not saying anything. We’re both looking at them, when I hear him.

"Oh Ash," he says softly. "I am so sorry. I’m so very sorry."

I’m not sure what he’s referring too. But he’s obviously seen the dates. He’s now seen that my Dad died exactly three years ago today. Or he’s seen that my Mom died on my birthday. Or he’s seen that Seth died the day after it.  I don’t know which one; maybe he’s seen them all.

I turn and look up at him and find him watching me, his face covered in sadness. "It’s okay, Luke, really."

But now he steps closer and puts an arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. I automatically lean my head against his chest. I feel his chin resting on the top of it as he softly says again, "I’m so sorry Asha, I didn’t realise." His other arm wraps around me, pulling me tighter against him. My arms wrap themselves around his waist and my eyes close when I feel him kiss the top of my head. A part of me feels bad, but I’m not just thinking about them anymore. Those butterflies are all still floating around inside me.

We stand in front of their graves for ages. Luke never asks me to go or says anything more, just stands there with his arms wrapped around me. He feels comforting, safe and warm. Eventually I walk forward and run my hand over the top of each headstone before turning to face him. "Thank you Luke," I say, looking right at him.

"Do you want to go and see Sam?" he asks, looking back at me. I think it’s the first time he’s ever said Sam’s name.

"He’s in Seattle," I answer quietly. "But thanks anyway."

Now Luke steps forward and silently pulls me into a hug. I can feel his strong arms around me again and his hard chest underneath me, but it’s so very different this time. He feels so good, this feels so good and I don’t want him to let me go. My heart is pounding again, and I’m sure Luke can feel it, beating a hard pattern against him.

I wonder what they would think if they could see me standing here with Luke, what they would say if they saw us like this. I’m pretty sure Seth would give me shit for it, just like he always did and the thought makes me smile. They would like Luke though, I know they would. They would like what he’s doing for me right now, how he always seems to know what to do for me.

Eventually I have to say something. "How about we go get a drink?" I suggest, trying to lighten the mood.

Luke pulls back and looks down at me. Both of his hands push the hair back from my face, and he keeps them there, holding it back and cradling my head in his fingers. He looks at me as though he’s trying to read my mind and I feel naked under his stare, like he can see right inside my head and all the crazy things I know are swirling around in there.

That I’m glad I brought him to breakfast.

That I’m glad he brought me here.

That I like the feel of his arms around me.

That I’m still trying really hard not to picture him naked in the shower this morning.

And worst of all, what my brain is finally prepared to admit; that I do really like him.

And the scariest part of all that; that I really want him to like me back. I really want Mia’s words to be true.

He still says nothing.

I smile up at him again. "I think I definitely owe you a drink now," I say, forcing a laugh out. We are too close. These things I’m feeling are all wrong. Standing here in his arms isn’t fair on him. He needs to let me go and I need to stop thinking about him like that. It’s too dangerous.

"Sure," he says eventually, smiling a little even though it doesn’t reach his eyes. He looks like he wants to say something, but I don’t give him a chance. I have to stop all of these thoughts I’m having, so I turn and make my way back to the entrance and Luke silently follows me.

We find a taxi to take us back to Thayer Street this time and then find ourselves a place to get a drink. We end up staying there all afternoon. The mood lightens again, our morning in the cemetery pushed to the back of our minds. By the time night falls we have eaten dinner and drunk quite a few beers, talking about everything except for what happened this morning. I push all of those thoughts from my mind, refuse to let them in. Refuse to think about the possibility, to think about the possibility of me and Luke.

I’m kidding myself if I think I can do that.

Eventually we leave and make our way slowly back down to the train station. I think we’re both a little drunk by now and once again Luke takes my hand in his. Once again I hold my breath and let him. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but I just can’t seem to stop myself anymore.

On the train, he keeps holding it, resting our joined hands on his thigh. I don’t dare move. I feel surrounded by heat and Luke and that combined with the alcohol makes me want to sleep. I feel myself drifting off, my head slowly sliding onto Luke’s shoulder. He doesn’t seem to mind as he wraps his arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I don’t want to try and fight this anymore, it’s too hard trying to fight it.

I’m surrounded again by Luke’s warmth and his smell and all I want to do is to stay right here with him. I sleep all the way back to Boston, waking only when he tells me, "We’re back." I wish we could stay on that train all night.

We stumble from the station, Luke still holding my hand as we climb the stairs to the street and make our way back to my apartment. He walks me to the door where we stand facing each other.

"Thank you for breakfast and dinner," he says bringing my hand up to his mouth. I watch him as he presses a soft kiss to my palm and he watches me watching him. Things are definitely changing between us now, I can feel it, see it. It’s something that deep down, I know a part of me wants to happen, but is afraid to allow.

I don’t want to get attached and then lose him, have him ripped away from me. Not again, because it hurts so much when it happens. And I definitely don’t want to create a world without Luke or his music in it. But another selfish part of me is also saying; I don’t want to think of my own world without him in it.

I’m too afraid to try it all again, but I’m too afraid to stop it, to push him away, because I really don’t want to anymore.

"Thank you for today Luke," I finally get out.

"Any time Ash," he says quietly. "Anytime." He tucks my hair behind my ear and for a second I think he’s going to kiss me. I’m surprised to find I want him to.

But he doesn’t and instead he smiles at me once more, before turning and walking away.

When I get inside, I go straight to bed. But I can’t sleep, because a million thoughts are swirling in my brain now, keeping me awake. All of them are about Luke. Even if his voice wasn’t filling the silence of my apartment, I would be thinking about him.

Once he has slept in my apartment. Twice he has held me as I’ve cried. Once he has held me when I haven’t. For the whole day today he held my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world. Many times I have watched his band play. I have met his family and now he has met mine.

And, now I know how he feels about me. The things Mia said are still swirling around in my brain. Her words are making me think and feel many things. The way Luke looks at me is making me think and feel many things.

I don’t know what to do about it all, but I want to let him in. It surprises me that I do, that all of a sudden, a part of me would want to risk it all over again. I don’t want anything to happen to Luke, but I know I can’t ignore this thing between us, or these feelings I have for him, anymore. I know I can’t push him away any longer.

I don’t sleep for the rest of the night and I spend the next day at work in a daze. I have no idea what Luke thinks when he sees me like this, but my brain feels crowded with thoughts still, clouded by feelings and I want to straighten them all out. I want to work out what it is I want.

What is it that Luke wants?

I wish I knew what that was, but he makes it so hard. Because now even though he talks to me all the time, more than he ever used to, even though now he specifically seeks me out, if only to tell me of a song that’s playing on the radio or hand me a new cupcake he’s trying out, or give me a CD he’s just bought or a book he thinks I might like to read. Even though he does all of that, he doesn’t do anything more. He still watches me, but I no longer ask him, "What?" and so he no longer shrugs and looks away. Instead we watch each other, both of us smiling and neither of us turning away.

I know that Sarah notices it though. I catch her looking at us and smiling. Now it’s her I’m asking, "What?"

She just laughs at me and says, "Nothing Ash, nothing."

The guys from Infinity come in a lot now, or maybe I just notice it more, now that I know them. They always say hi to me and Jared gives me little smiles which make me feel weird, like he knows something that I don’t. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I do nothing to change any of it. I don’t try to stop whatever it is that’s happening between Luke and I, because I want to hang out with him. He makes me laugh and he’s so easy to talk too, so very easy to be with. I always feel lighter, happier after being with him and his music chases away the bad dreams I have. The CD of their music, the one he left in my locker. I listen to it all the time. Now I fall asleep every night listening to Luke’s voice.

It helps. I haven’t had a single nightmare ever since I started falling asleep to his voice.

But all of these thoughts still swirl around in my brain, leaving me feeling guilty. Guilty about why I can go for hours without even thinking about Sam or what happened to him. Guilty about why instead I find myself thinking of Luke, wondering what he’s doing. Of what it would be like to be with him, of what it would be like to kiss him. Wondering if he would kiss me.

A million thoughts and one single question – why am I letting myself feel this?

I don’t have an answer, I really don’t. I just think in the end, I would rather risk being hurt than feel nothing. It sounds crazy, but I have to. I have to do something. I have to feel something because feeling nothing is just too empty.

Cloud nine – a state of euphoria or bliss

∞

Playlist:

1. Undisclosed desires – Muse

2. Unchained melody – U2 version

3. Kiss me – Ed Sheeran

∞

I never realised what wanting someone was really like. The power it holds over you, the way it can make you feel, the way it completely messes with your brain. It’s like the biggest rush, the greatest high, where you can simultaneously feel like you’re floating and falling and you don’t ever want it to stop.

I never got that with Sam. With him, one minute we weren’t and the next minute we were. We happened so quickly, that as soon as we did, I couldn’t really remember a time without him. With Adam, I’d simply never thought it could happen, so by the time I got around to acknowledging it, I already had him anyway.

With Luke however, it all just crept up on me. That tension, the longing and especially the want. I wasn’t looking for it, I didn’t expect it and I certainly wasn’t sure I wanted to risk it. But suddenly it was there and now that I see it, now that I feel it, I can’t believe I ever thought I could go without it. It’s all I ever think about. He’s all I ever think about. It’s simultaneously unbearable and unbelievable.

And it just makes me want him even more.

∞

My grandmother’s death was difficult for me. I know what happened was my fault. But, I also know when she died, she was with my Grandad again, and there was a tiny part of me that couldn’t ignore that. It was still wrong, everything that happened, but them being together was a tiny bit of good that I could take from it all. So yeah, I still felt responsible and I still felt guilty, but a part of me felt something else too.

They had such a beautiful life together my grandparents, true soul mates who had a story like something out of a movie. The really sappy ones about a young boy who fell in love with the young girl who lived next door, who never gave up on her, watched her and pursued her and fell in love with her. The young boy and girl who became a young man and woman who fell madly in love, who danced together, loved together and stayed together for decades, never losing that love. That was their story. I loved hearing it growing up and it made me wish for a story like that of my own. I thought I’d found it when I met Sam, although the start of our relationship wasn’t under the best of circumstances. But I can still remember, even from when I was young, the huge amount of love and joy that flowed between my grandparents whenever they were around each other. It was beautiful to watch and even though I was a kid, seeing it was some of my most favourite memories of them.

"Grandma?"

"Yes Asha?" Grandma said, smoothing my hair back as I stood beside her at the kitchen bench.

"What are you doing?"

"I’m making your Grandad a birthday cake," she said smiling down at me.

"Can I help?" I asked, standing on my toes so I could see what she was doing.

"Of course you can."

Grandma pulled me in for a hug as she leant down and kissed the top of my head and I wrapped my arms around her waist hugging her back. After she’d helped me tie on an apron and wash my hands, we spent the rest of the morning baking, Grandma telling me what to do and me trying very hard to follow her instructions and not mess anything up. The whole time we were cooking, I listened to her sing along to all the old songs that were playing from the radio. I had no idea what any of them were, I was only nine at the time, but I loved listening to her sing them.

"Hello ladies," Grandad suddenly said, walking into the kitchen and kissing Grandma on the cheek as I was licking the cake mixture off the spoon.

I giggled as I watched them. When I did, Grandad turned and pulled a funny face at me. My laugh got louder as I ran out of the kitchen waiting for him to chase me. I was in the living room by the time he caught up to me and with no effort at all, he picked me up and hauled me over his shoulder.

"What are you laughing at missy?" he asked, walking us back into the kitchen, me still slung over his shoulders.

"You!" I said, still laughing.

"What about me?" Grandad asked.

I laughed again, I couldn’t help it, as Grandad sat me down on the kitchen bench and leant over to kiss Grandma again. "You and Grandma," I said giggling.

"What about me and Grandma?"

"Kissing!" I yelled.

Grandad only laughed as he reached in and tickled me more, making me laugh so much I dropped the spoon I was licking. I looked over at Grandma as she started laughing too and I remember her saying, "Ah Ash, you’ll be like this one day, when you meet the love of your life."

"No!" I said confidently.

"Yes you will my sweet, yes you will," Grandma said, leaning in to kiss my cheek and tickle me too.

I didn’t know what she meant by that. At the time I thought kissing was gross. It wasn’t till years later that I understood what Grandma meant and just how true her words really were.

∞

When I wake up this morning the first thought that pops into my head is of Luke. I realise once more that I’ve dreamt of him. And once again, the nightmares have stayed away. I also realise I haven’t thought of Sam. And for the first time, none of that bothers me, it’s only Luke I want to think about and dream of, and I don’t feel guilty about that anymore.

As I shower and get ready for work I’m still thinking of him, wondering what he’s doing, whether he’s at work already. His voice fills my apartment, but now I want to hear it for real, I want to hear his voice talking to me, or even better, singing to me. I want his mouth at my ear and his words flowing through me. I want to feel his arms around me again. I’m longing to see him, I crave the idea of touching him and I’m aching with wanting to kiss him. My body heats under the water at just the thought, and I have to switch off the hot just so I can cool down.

Even though I think I know how Luke feels about me and as much as I crave him, I’m still a little bit afraid. Somehow, I don’t trust that what I see happening between us, is really real. How can it be, how can I deserve it after everything I’ve done?

When I finally get to work, I walk through the door and the first thing I hear is Luke singing in the kitchen. I hear his voice as it sings only to me, even if he has no idea that’s what he’s doing. I stop for a minute, just to listen. To enjoy the sound of his voice as it floats out towards me, wraps itself around me. Closing my eyes, I try to imagine it’s his arms that are wrapping around me. A shudder runs through me and I force my eyes to open and start to make us coffee.

When I take it out to him, he looks up and smiles at me. That smile, his smile. His whole face lights up and I smile back because I just can’t stop myself. I hand him the mug and when he takes it, our fingers touch. I have to grip the mug harder just so I won’t drop it and for a minute, we both stand there, holding it together, our fingers resting on the hot cup. I force myself to breathe and let go. Force myself to say, "Morning."

He smiles again, "Morning Ash."

Another minute and we keep standing there, silently watching each other. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. I’m not sure how much longer this can go on without something, anything happening.

Kiss me.

It’s Luke who finally does something. "Ash, we ahh…" he continues, "we have a show this weekend, it’s um…it’s kind of a big deal." His hand runs over his head again. I know now this is something he does when he’s nervous or not sure what to say. "Will you come along?"

As I stand there watching him, all I can think about is what it would be like to kiss him, what it would be like to run my hands over his hair. How soft would it be? What would his lips feel like, what would he taste like, if I kissed him? Whether he would kiss me back? My fingers are tingling at just the thought of touching him.

"Ash?" He says again. "Will you come and watch us?"

I nervously swallow. It feels like my throat has been pulled shut. I blink. "Yes, I will come along Luke," I force out.

He takes a sip of his coffee and I can’t help myself. I watch his mouth, his lips as he drinks, his throat as he swallows. I really want to touch his lips. With my fingers, with my tongue, with my lips.

Kiss me.

His hand reaches out. His thumb hovers just in front of my cheek and for a second I think he will.

"Thank you," he says quietly, slowly pulling his hand back. "I really want you to be there."

∞

By the time Grandma died, my Grandad had been gone nine years. I know she missed him terribly, although she did continue to live her life, never wallowing in her sadness. She still lived up in Maine in that same old farmhouse, so I didn’t see her as often as I liked, although by the time I moved to Boston it was a little easier. Sometimes, she even came down and visited me and Sam.

I used to send her flowers every year on the anniversary of his death. I can’t remember exactly when I started doing it because I was only twelve when Grandad died, but whenever it was, I know why I started it. Guilt. Even if it was subconscious to begin with, maybe there was a part of me that always knew I’d been the reason he died. I don’t know. All I do know is that I sent them to her for years before it happened.

I always used the same florist and I always sent the same flowers. Red peonies, because at the time, I thought they were beautiful, the kind of thing she would like. Years later I learnt they can represent shame, but of course, at the time I didn’t know that.

Every time I sent them to her, she would always call me to say thank you and how sweet of me to remember and that honestly I didn’t need to keep sending them.

"It’s okay Grandma," I would always say back. "I want to."

"Thank you Asha, they are as always, beautiful my sweet girl."

If nothing else, it was a small piece of joy that I could give to her on a day that would otherwise be filled with bad memories. Then one year, when I was about twenty-one and living in Boston with Sam, I sent the flowers as I usually did and I didn’t get a phone call. I remember thinking it strange she hadn’t called me, but that maybe the florist had forgotten to send them. When I called to confirm the order had gone out, I was told yes they’d been delivered and the report also said they’d been received.

That afternoon when I called Grandma, I got no answer. I called my Dad then and asked if he knew if she was away or something.

"Not that I know of Ash, I was planning on going up there in a week or so and she never mentioned she would be away. I’ll try her tomorrow if you like and let you know."

"Okay Dad, thanks, please keep me posted alright?"

"Will do Ash, love you kiddo."

"Love you too Dad."

I was at work the next day when he called me back. I remember seeing his name light up on my cell and thinking to myself why would Dad call me and not Grandma? I don’t know why, but seeing his name there made me think the worst and when I answered the call, that’s exactly what it was.

I don’t remember everything Dad said except that he hadn’t been able to reach Grandma and he’d called her friend Marge and asked if she knew what was going on, whether Grandma was away. Marge had said no, she’d seen her the previous morning and everything was as normal. It was after that, my Dad got worried. He called the police and asked them to go and check on her. Apparently when they arrived Grandma was inside, collapsed on the floor. She was already dead by then and there was nothing the police or the paramedics could do when they got there. Nobody knew what had happened; I think initially they thought it was a heart attack.

It was only once they got to the hospital that they discovered she’d had an anaphylactic reaction. They found the cause, a wasp sting. We never even knew she was allergic to them, I don’t ever remember her saying anything about it, maybe even she didn’t realise. But when Dad arrived in Maine at her house all he found was a vase of spilled flowers on the floor, right next to where her body had been found.

It didn’t take much to work out where the wasp had come from and it took even less for me to work out whose fault it was.

I know I said I was a tiny bit happy at her now being reunited with my Grandad, but it still didn’t make the pain at what I’d done any easier to bear. After all, I’d been the reason they were separated in the first place. Being the reason why they were now together didn’t make that any more excusable.

∞

When I walk into work today, I find Luke out the front making coffee. When he looks up at me and smiles, it literally stops me in my tracks. All at once my stomach feels like it’s full of all those damn butterflies again, and they’re all simultaneously trying to escape. My heart is racing and my skin feels like it’s on fire. It shocks me, this sudden complicated reaction I have to a simple smile.

"Coffee Ash?" he asks.

I can’t talk. I literally can’t move.

"Ash?" he asks looking up at me. "Would you like a coffee?"

I shake my head, trying to get my brain to work. "Yeah thanks," I finally stammer out. "Ah, why are you making me coffee?"

He smiles again and now my stomach feels like it’s falling. I feel like I’m falling or floating or maybe even flying.

"I don’t know," he says shrugging. "Just thought I would make you coffee for a change."

He places a mug on the counter for me, stirring in a sugar. He’s made it black, just like his.

Oh shit I think to myself as though I’m seeing all of this for the very first time. It’s true. I really like him. I really do like him. And he knows, I know that he knows. God he knows how I drink my coffee now, that I drink it like he does. He knows, he knows everything.

"Can I make you some breakfast?" he asks me.

Does he not realise I’m standing here mute, dumbstruck, completely blown away by my sudden realisation? Does he not see what I’m thinking, how I feel about him now? His offer of food makes me think back to our little taste test the other day. Something hot flashes through me and I wonder if I can even remain standing at this point.

"Ash?" he asks again, coming over to me. "Is everything alright?"

He’s standing right in front of me now and all I can think is I want to kiss you so badly. I look up at him and force my brain to start working. "Yeah sorry, day dreaming," I say, attempting a smile and at the same time, wondering why I can’t just lean in and kiss him.

And then, smiling back at me, Luke reaches out his hand and I watch as he runs it over my hair, curling strands of it around his finger.

Kiss me.

His eyes are very dark now. They’re watching his fingers as he gently winds my hair around them. It looks as if he isn’t in control of his own hand, as if even he’s trying to work out what it’s doing. I’m watching his eyes and I’m positive he can hear my heart, which is racing, pounding inside my chest now.

Kiss me.

His eyes move to mine. We stand there just staring at each other, waiting for one of us to move.

Waiting.

Waiting for one of us to do something.

Kiss me.

He moves a tiny bit closer towards me and I feel my heart beat increase even more as I seem to unconsciously lean towards him. My stomach has fallen to the floor, my hands are shaking at my sides and my eyes drop to his mouth, focus on his lips. Both of us lean a fraction closer.

Kiss me. Please.

The phone ringing is what breaks us apart, shattering the tense silence that’s holding us in place, unable to move away from each other, but somehow unable to move that last bit closer together. Both of us turn to the counter.

"I should get that," I say, my words strained, breathless.

"Yeah," he agrees softly, his voice catching.

It keeps ringing and he slowly pulls his fingers from my hair, gently running them down my cheek as he does. A shiver runs down my spine in response and I want to lean into his touch. Luke doesn’t move away, just keeps watching me, a tiny smile on his face and I have to force myself to look away, force myself to walk over and answer the phone. My fingers are still shaking when I pick up the receiver, but whoever was calling is now gone.

∞

I had mixed feelings about Grandma’s funeral. Dad, Seth, Lara, Sam and I travelled together up to Maine to say goodbye to her. We were all upset, my Dad especially, but we were also in some small way, happy or something. Somehow it made it easier knowing she was now with Grandad again, the man who was the love of her life and we could all only smile at that thought. Plus it was a rare occasion I was with my family, with the four people I loved more than anything. I think that car ride up there was the last time I ever got to experience that.

In typical Grandma fashion, she’d taken care of everything. Planned her own funeral right down to the last detail, including the red peonies she wanted for it. The same flowers I would send her year after year.

"So typical of her," Dad said, a smile on his face. "She always did have to make sure everything was how she wanted it."

"Were these her favourites?" Lara asked, smelling the huge bunches of them that had just been delivered.

"I don’t know," Dad said. "I didn’t think she had a favourite."

I wanted to tell them no, they were the reason she was dead in the first place. That they were the flowers I used to send her every year because of my own guilt. But this year when I sent them to her, I’d also caused her death. I don’t know why Dad hadn’t put it all together, he’d seen the flowers that were spilt on the floor when he’d first come up here.

But it was Sam who spoke. It was Sam who said, "Yeah, she loved them." He smiled at me, pulling me into a hug where he whispered only to me, "It’s not your fault babe, you know that."

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him even closer. I wanted to believe him, I really did. I didn’t say anything though, just smiled when he kissed me on the cheek and pressed against him as he put his mouth to my ear. Kissed his lips when he whispered that he loved me, he would always love me. I finally understood what Grandma had been talking about all those years ago.

∞

I’m locking up the shop late on Friday night, when I notice that Luke is still in the kitchen. I don’t know why I’m surprised, he always says goodbye to me when he leaves now, so I should know he’s still here. When I go in there, I discover he’s pulling out bowls and ingredients and actually looks as though he’s about to start cooking.

"What are you doing, shouldn’t you be packing up?" I ask him.

He looks up at me. "Oh hey Ash, nah I gotta get some things done tonight so I can take tomorrow off, big show remember?" he says smiling.

Yes, the big show tomorrow night. The one Luke nervously asked me to come and see the other day. I don’t know why this show’s any different from all of their others, but it must be a big deal if he’s taking a whole day off work to practice. It makes me think that maybe I shouldn’t go in case I mess it all up for them. But I know I’m kidding myself with that idea because I really want to go and I know in the end I will. He asked me to go, he wants to me to go. I want to go.

"So, you’re going to cook all night?" I ask him.

He smiles up at me, "Yep, for a couple of hours anyway. Do you wanna help me?"

I stand there looking at him. He’s turned back to the cupboard and is busy getting everything ready and doesn’t notice me staring at him. I should go. I should walk away and go home and leave him to it. Staying in here with just him will almost be too much. Staying in here with him and not touching him will be excruciating. I should go.

"Sure."

He looks up from the cupboard he’s crouched in front of, a tiny smile on his face. "Great," is all he says and something inside of me flips.

Everyone else has gone home, so I move away to finish closing up the shop, turning off all of the lights out front and making sure the door is locked. Suddenly, I realise I’m very nervous. I know I shouldn’t be, I’ve spent so much time with Luke before, a lot of it with no one else around. But deep down I know it’s because now, everything has changed. Now I’m allowing myself to feel things. Now I’ve admitted, at least to myself, how I feel about it all, and especially how I feel about him.

That he might possibly see all of that when he looks at me, that everything I feel is written all over my face. That’s what’s making me nervous.

When I come back into the kitchen I take a deep breath to try and calm myself down. Luke has put some music on and there are two open beers sitting on the bench. I put on the chef’s jacket he hands me. It’s miles too big and I realise it must belong to him. When he turns away I smell the fabric. Yes it’s Luke’s and it smells amazing, just like he does. It feels incredibly intimate to be wearing his clothing while we are both locked away in here. I don’t know if he’s noticing what he’s suddenly doing to me. I feel electric. The whole room feels electrified.

We’re standing in a lit kitchen at the back of a darkened shop. There is no one else here. No one else is going to come in for the rest of the night. Outside, life is going on as if we don’t exist. Inside, it is just the two of us. It’s just after nine o’clock on a Friday night.

We move about in silence for a while, the only sounds are Luke’s occasional instructions or his soft singing to the music that’s playing. It feels like my own private concert now and it’s so much better than listening to his CD. I savour it. I try not to mess anything up but I notice my hands won’t stop shaking. I think Luke sees it too. When he reaches for something, brushing past me as his hand lightly rests on my waist, I nearly drop the bowl I’m holding as a jolt of electricity shoots through me. I go to the cold room and get us a couple more beers just so I can breathe again. Inside I press my forehead against the back of the door like I’ve done so many times before, trying to cool myself down.

I need to cool down.

When I come back out, Luke has his back to me and I can see he is up to something. I put the beers on the bench and when he eventually turns around, he says entirely seriously, "So what do you think, a good look for tomorrow night?"

I look up at him and can see he has painted his face with flour, only he’s drawn on a nose and whiskers like the cat make-up the guy in Kiss used to wear.

I can’t help it, I burst out laughing. I don’t know if he’s done this to break the tension that I know we are both feeling. But when he looks at me with utmost sincerity as though he really wants my opinion on it, all I can think, is how hilarious he looks with a cat face on….in flour. He’s smiling at me now as he asks, "So maybe not then?"

I can’t stop laughing, it’s just so funny and so cute what he’s done. Tears are streaming down my cheeks now, but they are tears of laughter and although I can barely stand up straight, I feel so incredibly alive at this moment. I haven’t laughed like this in forever.

When I finally get myself under control, I look up and Luke is still standing there, looking at me now with a strange look on his adorable little cat face. Another giggle escapes me as I ask him, "What?"

"It’s really good to see you laugh like that," he says quietly.

I look at him, still smiling. "It feels good to do it again," I say honestly.

And there it is back again.

Electricity.

Tension.

Something.

I’m standing here, looking right at him.

He’s standing there, looking right at me.

We are both looking at only each other and suddenly, I notice just how close we’re standing.

He reaches out to brush the tears from my face, an action I have become so familiar with from him. Only this time the situation is different. This time he is not comforting me, I am actually happy. This time his touch sends tiny shivers all throughout my body. This time I smile and lean into his fingers. This time he takes a step closer, looking at me in a way I haven’t seen him do before. This time I reach my hand up to him, curl it around his neck, against the softness of his hair and pull him towards me, my other arm encircling his waist. This time I know exactly what’s going to happen when Luke’s hand slides into my hair and he takes another step, finally closing that distance between us.

This time Luke bends down and presses his lips to mine.

This time, Luke kisses me.

And this time, I kiss him back.

I am floating.

∞

"Tell me again Grandma!" I ask, wriggling further under the covers as she walked towards my bed.

"Again?" She says, a smile on her face. "Aren’t you sick of this story yet?"

"No!"

She sat down on the side of my bed, her hand gently brushing the hair back from my face. "Alright Ash, I’ll tell you again, then it’s time for sleep okay?"

"Okay."

Smiling, she began my favourite bedtime story. The one I never got tired of hearing, the one she told me over and over again, no matter how many times I asked, she always kept telling me. The story I adored, the story I wanted for my own.

"I first met your grandad when I was about nine years old. I guess I was about your age. He had just moved with his family to the house next door and I remember sitting on the front veranda watching the workers unpack their house. This took all day, but not once did I move because I wanted to watch all of their furniture spill from the truck and be taken inside. I liked to try and imagine where each item was going, to what room and where in that room it would be put. We had known the previous owners and I had been in the house many times. Then sometime in the afternoon, your grandfather walked up to our front porch bearing two glasses of lemonade. With a very serious look on his face, he handed one of the glasses to me and said, ‘this is for you, it’s thirsty work this move, so I thought you might need it,’ before he turned and walked back towards his house."

She is smiling now as she continues.

"I couldn’t believe it, a boy, a new neighbour was handing me a glass of lemonade! Of course that was only the beginning. The next morning he came and knocked on our door, asked if I would like to come and play. I did of course, I didn’t want to seem rude, but more than that I wanted to find out where all of their furniture had gone inside the house! Then a few weeks later when school started back, he came and he walked me to school. Every morning he’d do this and then every afternoon, he would walk me back home. This continued on for years and years, every morning he would be waiting on the front porch and every afternoon I would find him at the school gates. My girlfriends teased me mercilessly, but he never stopped and deep down I secretly enjoyed it. By the time we were sixteen and going to local dances he would ask if I would accompany him. I always said no, because young girls didn’t go out alone with young boys back in those days. But I did allow myself to dance with him, every time he asked. He asked at every dance, for every song. Then one day we suddenly found ourselves at nineteen and everything changed."

I could feel my eyes starting to shut as sleep pulled me in, but I fought to keep them open because I knew my favourite part was coming up.

"It was July, late in the afternoon and I was sitting on the front porch reading a book. There was music playing in the house and it was drifting out the windows because the air was still very warm and they were all open. The sun was just going down and I was thinking I would need to head in soon because all of the light from the day would soon be gone and I wouldn’t be able to see the words on the page. Just as I was standing up from the porch swing, from the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of your grandfather leaning against the car in his drive. I didn’t know it, but he had been watching me as I sat there reading. When I asked him this, he said yes and when I asked why, he simply said, ‘I was trying to work up the courage to come and ask you to dance.’ Oh well, I remember I blushed a furious shade of red then, my cheeks must have been as red as the setting sun in the sky. Eventually I managed to say, ‘what here?’ And at that, your grandfather pushed off the car and walked towards me. As he came up the steps to our porch, he didn’t once take his eyes off of me and as his arm went around my waist and he pulled me towards him, he simply said, ‘I would dance with you anywhere.’ And it was at that point that I fell in love with him, or maybe I just finally realised how much I had always been in love with him."

Grandma’s hand was on her heart now as she told me this part and even in the darkened room I could see the smile on her face, the glisten of happy tears in her eyes.

"And the rest Asha, as you know, is history."

I giggled then, loving the story, no matter how many times I heard it.

"Now time for sleep young lady," Grandma said, leaning over to kiss me goodnight. "Tomorrow we’ll have a proper bedtime story."

"No Grandma, this is my favourite," I remember saying.

She laughed then, because she knew she would be telling it to me again tomorrow night, before switching off the bedside lamp and whispering, "Alright then the same story tomorrow night. Sweet dreams my beautiful girl," and walking quietly out of my room.

I fell asleep floating into a land of happy endings, of my own prince charming and a love slowly creeping up on you when you least expected it, until one day whilst dancing on the front porch to music as the sun set slowly in the sky, colouring it brilliant shades of red and orange and gold, you finally realised, it had been there in front of you all along.

A perfect ten, that which is utterly flawless

∞

Playlist:

1. Alibi – 30 Seconds to Mars

2. All you wanted – Sounds Under Radio

3. Just the way you are – Bruno Mars

4. Her song – Luke Taylor (BONUS TRACK)

∞

Being in love is the strangest and most exhilarating of experiences. Strange; realising you’re unintentionally, so totally under the control of someone else. That you would give up anything and everything for that person. That they are all you think about, night and day. That you just want to spend every second with them and you miss them when they’re gone. That just being around them is enough, but to smell, touch, taste is so much better.

That they would do anything for you, just as you would do anything for them.

That it can destroy you, the idea of losing them.

But wanting them this much, can almost destroy you too.

The exhilarating part? Well, it’s knowing all that and doing it anyway.

Most people would never think these thoughts like I do. Most people believe that nothing can ever go wrong. Because when you love someone and are loved by that person in return, the whole world seems perfect. Every single thing, every single moment, every single day and every single second. All of it seems perfect.

But I know it’s also dangerous, that it can end and it can end so badly because I’ve lived through it before. I know it can happen and it’s there in the back of my mind, all the time, every day.

But right now, I’m doing it anyway.

Because honestly, at this point, I couldn’t walk away, even if I wanted to.

∞

Work is strange without Luke here.

And I realise suddenly that I miss him.

And I really want to see him.

And all I can think about is last night.

Last night, when Luke kissed me.

Last night, when I kissed Luke.

We kissed for such a long time, both of us were wearing the flour on our faces by the end of it. The tension that was in the room only magnified. I remember feeling it surging through me, surging through him. Both of us were shaking. I didn’t know what I wanted or what he wanted, but I know I liked the feel of his arms holding me tight against him, the feel of his lips on mine, his breath in my mouth.

I think I wanted more of it.

Afterwards, we tried to go back to cooking, but I don’t think either of us was very successful. We didn’t talk much, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence. It was just a blur of accidental touches, stolen glances and secret smiles, all of which kept my pulse racing. Sometime later he walked me home, our arms occasionally touching as we walked side by side. Every time my skin made contact with his, my whole body felt like a burst of fire shot through my veins. It made it hard to breathe and eventually I just grabbed his hand with mine, wrapping my other hand around his bicep and pulling him close to me. I wanted to maintain the contact, wanted to maintain that feeling. When I did though, he stopped walking and dragged me into a doorway to kiss me again. I remember he pulled me tight against him as he lent back against the door, his arms wrapping around me, my arms wrapping around him. I remember he kissed me again and again, urgently, his soft moans making me not just breathless, but hungry, wanting.

Finally we walked on, this time holding hands. Still neither of us said anything. Occasionally Luke would bring our joined hands to his lips to kiss mine and every time he did, it felt like my heart was going to stop. I glanced up at him and when our eyes met, there was so much intensity in his that I felt glued to the sidewalk. When we got to my apartment, we stood at my front door staring at each other. I wanted to ask him in. I opened my mouth, "Do you –"

I watched as he stepped towards me, his hand sliding into my hair to the back of my neck, pulling me gently towards him. Smiling he bent down, his eyes watching me as he kissed me again. Soft and slow this time, his other arm sliding around my waist and under my shirt, his fingers pressing into my skin as he pulled me even closer. We both closed our eyes. I groaned. My legs felt like they could barely hold me up, as though my whole body had turned to liquid. And he tasted so good. I don’t know how long we stood at my door kissing, it felt like hours. Come inside I wanted to say to him.

Eventually he pulled back. "Good night Asha," he said softly. I watched as his hand brushed my cheek and he lent down to whisper in my ear, "Sweet dreams beautiful girl." He pressed a kiss to the corner of my jaw and a shiver ran through me, from the very spot he touched his lips, all the way down to my toes, as they curled inside my shoes. As he pulled his hand from my back, his fingers slowly trailed over my bare skin. Every bit of skin he touched was on fire, tiny hairs all standing on end as though reaching for him too.

I felt like I was going to explode.

He waited until I went inside. Waited until I closed the door and he disappeared from sight. I wondered if he heard me sag against it on the other side. My whole body was trembling and all I could think was; open the door and ask him to come in.

But I didn’t and eventually I moved and stood at the window and watched him walk away. He turned back once and I thought I saw him smile. I went to bed thinking of him, but sleep didn’t come for a long time, my body too tightly wound to relax. All I could think of was Luke, of Luke kissing me again and again. I put on his CD and let his voice pull me into sleep.

Today my lips are still tingling. I run my fingers over them, trying to remember the feeling.

And I know I want to kiss him again.

∞

The day drags on. Their show doesn’t start until ten but it seems like the clock actually stands still as I wait for it to arrive. The day feels endless. After work, I go home to get ready. This time I pay attention to what I wear, pulling on my favourite jeans and a tight black top. Black wedges instead of my usual boots. I make an effort with the make-up I put on, with my hair. I want him to notice me. I get to the bar early, hoping to see him, but none of them are around, so I wait at the back, alone. I can feel my heart pounding, my pulse racing. I feel alive tonight, really alive and I know exactly why.

Luke.

When they finally come on, they are amazing. Something is different with them tonight and I wonder again why this show is so special. They play for nearly two hours and they are intoxicating. I watch him for all of it.

I watch his eyes as they find me in the crowd.

I watch his lips as he sings into the microphone.

I watch his fingers as they play his guitar.

I watch his body as it moves around the stage.

And I imagine his eyes, his lips, his fingers, and his body all over me.

I want him.

After the encore, I think they’re going to finish. The rest of the guys walk off stage, but all Luke does is switch his electric guitar for an acoustic one. He walks slowly back to the microphone and looks at me.

Right at me.

"This is for you," is all he says.

And then he starts to sing.

Beautiful, beautiful girl

I can see the sadness you hold in your eyes

Beautiful, beautiful girl

I see all of the pain you bury inside

Beautiful, beautiful girl

How much I long to make you smile

Make you feel happy for a while

Bring back the light to your life

Beautiful, beautiful girl.

Have you let me love you for a while

Beautiful, beautiful girl.

It’s just Luke and his guitar. Just Luke’s voice as he sings the most amazingly raw and beautiful lyrics that I have ever heard. And he sings them only to me. His eyes close sometimes, but whenever they open, they are looking right at me. I’m standing so still at the back of the room, transfixed by the words he’s singing, by what he’s saying to me, by what he’s doing to me. I feel like there’s no one else in the bar except for us.

Mia was right, so right, because he does see me. He sees the real me, everything I’ve kept hidden, everything he has slowly been unravelling. All of my secrets and all of the pain I thought I’d buried. Luke has somehow unearthed it, seen it and not run. I don’t know how he’s done this, but he has and he still stands here and wants me. I feel so very exposed to him now he’s seen the real me, but I want to see all of him too. So badly.

After he finishes, the room erupts with applause. Luke just nods and leaves the stage. The rest of the band and Pete join me at the back and I’m still unable to speak. Both my head and my heart are racing, everything inside me moving at a million miles an hour and I can’t seem to control it. I think they know because they don’t ask me anything, Jared just hands me a drink and smiles.

Eventually Luke joins us. He watches me as he walks over and I can’t take my eyes off him. Someone hands him a beer and he comes and stands next to me. I can feel heat radiating from him and still I don’t say anything. People come up and congratulate them. Girls push closer to try their luck with them. Luke doesn’t move but his arm rests against mine and my skin feels like it’s burning from his touch.

I need to get out of here.

I know what I want now.

I’m not thinking about anything else anymore.

I reach for Luke’s hand. It feels like a ball of electricity in my grip and as it shoots up my arm he turns to look at me, his eyes dark. I stand on my toes, press my lips to his ear and whisper, "Take me somewhere else."

He nods at me and then turns to quickly speak with Jared. We are still holding hands and then we are outside walking. Neither of us says anything as we walk back to his house. The cool night air does nothing to the heat circling around us. The tension feels explosive.

At his apartment, he silently unlocks the front door. I walk in ahead of him and go straight into his room. He wordlessly follows me and closes the door behind him, shutting us in. It is just me and him, alone in his room.

I know what I’m doing now.

I lift off his shirt with shaking hands. Luke stands completely still, looking only at me. As I drop his shirt to the floor and lower my eyes I can see, even in the darkened room, what he’s been hiding.

He has great arms. A beautiful chest. A hard, flat stomach. Having watched him move around on stage all night, I can see why. I see my shaking fingers in front of me. Watch them as they brush lightly over his chest. Feel the warmth of his smooth skin under my fingertips. Hear his sharp intake of breath when I finally touch him.

There is black ink swirling over his right bicep. An elaborate tattoo that I run my finger over. There is more ink swirling down the left side of his torso, from his arm pit to his waist. I want to run my fingers over all of it. They aren’t shaking anymore.

I step closer and lean into him. I can smell his sweat from tonight’s performance combined with the unique smell that is just Luke. I like it. I press my nose to his chest and breathe in deeply. Still he doesn’t move, but now I can feel his heart. It’s racing inside him and I wonder what he’s thinking, what he’s feeling as I do this. I finally look up at him and all I see is Luke. I see that he’s been waiting for me to see him, really see him, all this time. I see all of my own want mirrored back in his eyes. I see his lips as he nervously bites the bottom one between his teeth. I see his hand as he reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear. I am on fire, as though my body is simmering under his gaze.

I want to kiss him again.

I press up on my toes as I reach for his mouth and he lowers his head and meets me halfway. I taste him again, feel his soft smooth lips as they brush over mine, his tongue as it gently pushes my lips apart. My arm curls around his neck dragging him closer. I feel his soft groan as the fingers of my other hand slide under the waist band of his jeans and pull him against me. His arm goes around my waist, pulling us even tighter together, our bodies fused from our mouths to our feet. I close my eyes as his other arm wraps around my shoulders, pulling us closer still. Inside I am exploding from his touch, his taste, his smell.

I don’t want this to stop.

We kiss forever, standing here in his darkened bedroom. There is no music, the hint of his earlier playing still ringing in our ears. The sound of our breathing becomes more rapid with each pulsing kiss.

I want more of him.

I pull back from his kiss and look at his face. I smile at what I can see there and he smiles slowly back at me. I step back and lift off my own shirt, never taking my eyes from his. His smile is gone now, replaced with something much more enticing. I step forward again and put my hands on his belt. I undo the buckle and the buttons of his jeans without looking away from him. I move my hands and undo my own belt and jeans. His arms remain by his side, he doesn’t move. Kicking off my shoes, I step out of my jeans, leaving them on the floor and once again press my body to his. Feel my skin as it comes into contact with his for the first time. I gasp at how warm he is, at how much my racing heart now matches his. At how much my body surges. I am aching, wanting, my whole body pushing itself towards him. I wrap my arms around his waist, my fingers gripping his hips as I reach up to kiss him again. His hands slide over my bare skin sending shivers throughout my body. I lean into him, gently pushing him back towards his bed. Luke doesn’t move. He is so hesitant, so careful, like he’s afraid it will all stop.

But I want all of him.

"Luke," I whisper in the darkness.

He stops and looks at me, his hands resting on my lower back. I lick my bottom lip and watch his pupils dilate even further.

"I don’t want to stop," I say. "Don’t stop."

He doesn’t.

Luke pulls me against him now as he moves backwards to his bed. He turns and lays me down on his sheets, steps back and finishes taking off his jeans before he lies down beside me, half of his body covering mine. All of our skin touching. The weight of him on me feels amazing. He presses soft kisses to my face, along my forehead and down my nose. Stopping, he kisses my lips again, taking his time, before pressing light kisses across my jaw line. He reaches my ear where he whispers beautiful before kissing a slow path down my neck. Everything inside of me is slowly melting, from his words, his touch, his kisses. His fingers slide the bra strap off my shoulder and he presses kisses there. Everywhere he touches me sends small tremors throughout my body. My skin is tingling with anticipation, goose bumps everywhere.

I feel like I’m drowning again and my heart is beating faster than ever now.

As his fingers gently dance over my skin, I smooth my own hands all over his. Our arms wrap themselves tightly around each other, pulling us closer together. I smile at him and he smiles back, his eyes dark as he leans down to kiss me again. Our legs entangle, pulling us even closer still.

And then, then it is just us.

Just the rapid beat of our hearts.

Just our heavy, deep breaths.

Just the sound of our soft moans and whispered names.

Just me and Luke.

I am drowning in him now and it feels unbelievably perfect.

∞

Afterwards I lie with my head on Luke’s chest, listening to his heart beat slow down. He has pulled the covers to our waist and is running his fingers slowly up and down my spine. It’s making my body hum.

"Are you okay?" he eventually asks.

I lift my head to look at him and smile. "More than okay," I say. And I mean it.

He leans forward to press a kiss to my lips, whispering against them, "I’m glad."

We lie in silence for a while, my skin still tingling from the touch of his fingers moving over it. I lightly trace the lines of the tattoo on his side, watching the tiny goose bumps that follow my path. Up close I can see what it is now, lines and musical notes dancing all over his skin, down the side of his body. It’s beautiful, just like him.

"How come you always stared at me when I first came back to work?" I suddenly ask him.

I feel his silent laugh. "Because I think you are beautiful," he answers, dragging his fingers down my spine in a way that feels exquisite.

It’s exactly the words and reason I want to hear. I touch my lips to his chest and feel his warm skin beneath them. "But you never talked to me, never said anything to me for so long?" I ask.

He flattens his palm in the small of my back, his fingers tantalisingly close to disappearing under the covers. "Because I was shy," he answers quietly.

I can’t help but laugh, at the idea that Luke, borderline rock star or Luke, man who bared his soul on stage tonight, could possibly be shy.

I feel his hand tighten at my waist as he continues. "And I knew you were grieving and I didn’t want to add to that."

I lift my head again, surprised but strangely grateful for his honesty right now. "Thank you," I whisper, looking right into his blue eyes. "Thank you for my song," I kiss him. "Thank you for everything."

Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me completely on top of him as he whispers back, "Thank you Asha," before pressing another kiss to my lips. Smiling he adds, "And just so you know, it drove me crazy with how much I did want to talk to you, crazy with how much I wanted to kiss you. Every time I saw you, I just wanted to do this."

And then he kisses me all over again and my whole body starts to sing.

∞

The first thing I feel when I wake up is fear.

It’s all come back to me now and I’m suddenly very afraid. As I start to feel the panic rising, surging through me, there are gentle fingers on my back, moving over my skin. I feel the soft warmth of Luke’s body under my cheek. Hear his steady heart beat under my ear. He is okay, I am okay. I lift my head from Luke’s chest and see he’s awake and holding a book, reading while I sleep on him.

He looks down at me. "Hey," he whispers softly, his hand gently running up my back and smoothing the hair back from my face.

I push my fears away. Force them somewhere else. Bury them with every other painful emotion I know is in there. I don’t want to feel them right now. There are other things I want.

I take the book from his hand, dropping it on the floor as I slide my body up his. I see his beautiful smile as I press my lips to his, and I feel his hands move under the covers as I push myself against him. I silently wish that he not let me go, and it’s like he hears me, because when he kisses me back, he pulls me tighter against him and doesn’t.

Whatever I was expecting when I started all of this last night, or when I woke up just now, this level of comfort and intimacy, is not it. Yet surprisingly, it’s exactly what I do feel. Everything about being here, about Luke and lying in his arms, kissing him, and all of the things that have happened between us, it all feels so completely amazing and perfect. It all just feels so very right. And I don’t want any of it to stop.

I place soft kisses along Luke’s jawline and feel his smile, rather than see it. "Hey," I finally whisper back to him.

He turns his head on the pillow so he’s facing me, softly kisses my lips before whispering, "Hey beautiful."

Shivers run down my spine as I lift my eyes to meet his beautiful blue ones. "What are your plans for the day?" I ask, my hand brushing lightly over his soft hair, hoping he doesn’t have any.

He smiles at me then and whispers, "Hopefully spending it all with you."

My heart flips at his answer. It’s exactly what I wanted him to say. It brings a smile to my face now, and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. "I don’t want to go home."

He smiles again, kissing my neck as he whispers, "Just stay."

I breathe out a "Yes," before I’m consumed by his kisses again.

I can’t believe I’ve gone without this for so long. I can’t believe I ever thought I could go without this. I feel so hungry for him, as though I’ve been starving for months and months, and now I’m finally being allowed to eat. I have no idea what time it is. Don’t know if Jared is here or what he will say when he sees us. I’m pretty sure deep down, I don’t actually care, because for the first time in a really long time, I feel truly, unbelievably happy right now.

"I think I might need a shower," I eventually say to Luke.

He smiles at me as he says, "Yeah me too."

And I just can’t help myself as I say, "Do you wanna join me?"

He wraps his arms tighter around me and pulls me on top of him. Pressing hungry kisses all over my face, he almost growls his response. "Hell yes."

Despite what we’ve just spent all night and all morning doing, the shower doesn’t stop us from doing it all over again. The warm soapy water on his skin is almost too much, and I just can’t stop touching him, can’t stop my body’s response to him. It feels completely foreign and new, this reaction I’m having to Luke, but I don’t care, because I only want more of it. And of course, the shower is definitely offering me a perfect view of what’s now all mine to enjoy for the rest of the day. He is, without a doubt, gorgeous. I can really see that now. He has a long, lean body that’s toned from countless nights of throwing himself around stage with a guitar. His tattoos are a sharp contrast in black on his pale skin and I can’t stop running my fingers over them. His dark blue eyes watch me the whole time and his lips and fingers are constantly touching me. It’s incredibly intimate and an unbelievable turn-on being with him like this.

When we finally get out and are towelling dry, Luke asks, "Coffee?"

I smile at him again, as I answer, "Yes," and laugh when he wraps an arm around my naked body and pulls me in for another kiss.

It feels like he can’t get enough of me either and I like it, I really like it.

I towel dry my hair, watching Luke in the mirror as he pulls on a pair of sweats and heads shirtless out to the kitchen. Focusing on my own reflection, I’m stunned when I barely recognise the face looking back at me.

I look so different today.

I can see there’s a smile tugging at my mouth and I wonder if it’s been there since I woke up this morning or maybe if it’s been there all night. It’s been so long since I’ve seen myself smiling. So long since I’ve had anything to smile about, and it’s a shock to see it. Leaning in closer, I run my fingertips over my lips, which are red and slightly swollen. This makes me smile even more, as I remember the thousands of kisses Luke has pressed to them since last night. Up close like this, I see something else too, something that scares me a little. Light in my eyes. I wonder when that happened, because for as long as I can remember, nothing but dull brown eyes have looked back at me. Dull eyes, that just looked permanently sad. But now they are alive and flecked with gold, as they shine back at me from the mirror. Seeing this new me sends a shiver through my body, a shiver at what it could all possibly mean.

Turning, I walk back out and into Luke’s room. I pick up my clothes, but right now, I don’t want to put them back on. Walking over to some drawers, I wonder if Luke would mind if I wore something of his. I pull out a pair of his boxer briefs and a black t-shirt. Pulling on his clothes, I peek out the door and see Luke standing in the kitchen, hands on the counter as he gazes out the window, his back to me. I can’t see any sign of Jared and I also can’t resist the bare skin that feels like it’s pulling me towards him. I walk silently out into the kitchen and slide my arms around his waist as I rest my cheek against his back, between his shoulder blades. I hear his soft groan and I can’t help kissing his smooth, warm skin.

"I borrowed something to wear, I hope you don’t mind?" I murmur into his back.

Luke turns in my arms and when I look up, I find him smiling as he slides his hands around my waist and under the t-shirt I’m wearing. Sparks of fire flash through me at the look he gives me, at his fingers dancing over my skin.

"Definitely not, this is a very good look on you," he says in a low voice.

"It is?" I ask, quickly glancing down at myself.

Luke smiles again before he leans down to whisper, "Are you kidding me? You, in my clothes, after a fantastic night and morning like the one we just had? Yeah, it doesn’t get any better than that Ash."

I feel my stomach drop to the floor, my teeth uncontrollably grazing his collar bone in response to his words. God I feel so turned on again, how does he keep doing this to me? I pull back to look at him. "It was pretty fantastic, wasn’t it?" I say quietly.

He gently presses his forehead to mine as he whispers, "Amazingly fantastic," before he kisses me in a way that says and it’s not over yet.

My rumbling stomach is what eventually pulls us apart, echoing into the kitchen and reminding me, not only did I not eat last night, but I’m starving for more than just Luke right now. He laughs at the noise, pulling back and asking, "Breakfast?"

I glance at the clock on the microwave; ten, before turning back to Luke. "Mmm yeah, some toast would be great, thank you."

He kisses me again, before turning us back towards the counter. With an arm still draped around me, he grabs the loaf of bread from the counter and throws some into the toaster. He then pulls out the coffee which has just finished brewing and pours two cups, pausing only to ask me, "Black?"

I smile at him as I feel a blush creep onto my cheeks. "Yes, black for me thanks."

We both spoon sugars into our coffee and Luke butters us a pile of toast. It all feels incredibly natural and normal and I love the easy movements, the constant feel of his arm around me. Eventually we head back to his room, loaded with food and caffeine.

"Can I put some music on?" I ask, as he puts everything beside his bed and sits down.

"Of course, anything you like Ash."

I find something on the phone he’s docked in a speaker, before turning and stopping in my tracks at the sight of Luke sprawled on his unmade bed in nothing but a pair of sweats. He is so beautiful. And I’m not at all embarrassed when he catches me checking him out. Instead I just walk over to the bed, crawl between his legs and lean back against his bare chest as he sits against the bed head. Luke wraps an arm around me again, lacing our fingers together, presses a soft kiss to my neck and hands me a cup of coffee.

We sit in silence for a while, until eventually Luke asks, "Were you ok when you first woke up this morning?"

I guess he did notice, but I answer, "Yeah, just took me a second to work out where I was." Smiling, I look up at him, my head resting on his shoulder. "I can’t believe you let me sleep on you, how long had you been awake for?"

I watch as he places a kiss, lightly on my nose. "About an hour I guess, but honestly, I could’ve lain there all day Ash," he whispers.

"An hour," I ask, shocked it was that long. "Shit, I hope I didn’t snore or anything."

Luke laughs softly. "No, no snoring," he says. "You were very cute though."

"Why, what did I do?"

He smiles at me, tucking my hair behind my ear. "Oh you know, all these sexy little sighs, your arm tightening around me. It was all very adorable," he continues, laughing at my now obvious embarrassment. "Like I said, I could’ve lain there all day with you like that."

I cover my face with my hand to hide my blushing. I’m embarrassed, but it’s more than that. It’s my response to sleeping with him. It’s the complete lack of nightmares and the total contentment as I lay there in his arms, sleeping on his chest. It’s all the things we did last night and again this morning. It’s the things I saw in the mirror earlier and his words to me right now. It’s all of that, and so much more.

Luke gently pulls my arm down so I have to look at him, taking the coffee from my other hand at the same time. "Please don’t be embarrassed Asha," he whispers, sliding his hand into my hair and pulling me closer. "You are incredibly beautiful and very, very sexy." His words are a low rumble in my ear and the kisses that follow, trailing along my cheek to my lips, take my embarrassment away. They take my breath away, so all that’s left is me melting in his arms, me in heaven and me never wanting him to stop.

Sometime later, both of us are breathing harder and I can no longer remember what I was embarrassed about. Turning, Luke presses his lips to my neck, kissing and gently nibbling my skin. I feel his arms tighten around me as he whispers, "Mmm, definitely beautiful and sexy."

My eyes squeeze shut as I try desperately to stop the smile that now wants to break out all over my face. As Luke lifts his head and looks down at me, I open them and give in, unable to stop it. He smiles back before leaning down to softly kiss my lips.

"Do you believe me now?" he whispers.

My smile gets bigger as he keeps up his kisses, covering me in them as he rolls us over so I now lie on top of him. I lift my head and his hands gently smooth the hair back from my face, cradling my cheeks as he stares up at me. His blue eyes are intense as they watch me and I can’t tear my gaze away from him.

Swallowing, I say quietly, "Well, I think it’s you who makes me this way Luke."

I watch the sexy smile that curls at his lips and at the same time, feel my heart do a slow, lazy flip inside my chest. As he lifts his mouth to mine, I can feel every hard ridge of his stomach and chest as they rise up to meet me and my heart starts flipping a little bit faster in response.

"Good," is all he says, before softly kissing me again.

Neither of us has to go to work, so we don’t leave his bed for the rest of the day.

By the time Jared comes home, Luke and I are curled up together on the couch watching TV. I’m lying half on him and still wearing his clothes, while Luke’s arms are wrapped around me, one of his hands hidden under my t-shirt, resting against my bare skin. I look up when the front door opens, but Luke doesn’t move, just gently tightens his arms around me as he calls out. "Hey man, how are you?"

"Hey," Jared says as he walks into the living room, glancing at me, "Hey Ash."

"Hi," I answer back, smiling warily at him. I’m not sure what I’m expecting from Jared either, but as I lie here watching Luke and Jared discuss last night, Jared telling Luke his guitars are at Ben’s, at how drunk the two of them had gotten, I’m surprised at how normal it all feels. I don’t know if I expected Jared to say something or make some comment about us suddenly leaving last night or about me still being here, but I did not expect him to say nothing at all. To act as if me lying here on the couch, in their house, wearing Luke’s clothes and wrapped all around Luke, is just completely normal.

"Anyway, I’m going to bed, massive hang over still, Ben is a fucking demon when he brings the whisky out. See you both in the morning."

I can only say, "Yeah," as Jared wanders off. When his bedroom door shuts, I turn to Luke and ask, "He doesn’t care if I stay here, he won’t mind?"

Luke just smiles at me. "No of course not."

I lean my arms on his chest, raising myself up so I can look him in the eye. "You’re sure?" I ask.

Luke leans over and grabs his phone, hitting some buttons before he shows it to me. As I glance at the screen, I see a text from Jared.

Stayin at Ben’s – have fun!

C u 2morow nite

And then a response from Luke, sent sometime this morning.

Thanks J

Ash is gonna stay some more, that ok?

And a last text from Jared.

Of course – she can stay as long as she wants

Song was wicked ;)

I don’t know what to say. I look back up at Luke who’s watching me like he’s not sure what my reaction will be. I’m surprised by both the relief and the absolute happiness I feel right now. It’s definitely not what I expected.

Eventually Luke says, "Ash, you okay?"

And all I can say back is, "I think we should go to bed too."

Laughing now, Luke pulls me towards him. "Oh you do huh?" he whispers before kissing me.

I realise then, he hasn’t stopped touching me all day.

And I realise how much I love that.

I don’t ever want to leave.

∞

A week after their concert, I’m still at Luke’s house. Every morning when I’ve woken up and we have to go to work, he wraps his arm around me, walks me to my apartment first and says, "Pack some clothes, stay tonight?"

And I can’t help but smile at him and answer, "Yes."

I no longer wake up each morning so afraid. Instead, I wake to fingers moving gently over my bare skin. When I open my eyes, I see Luke is already awake and when I whisper to him, "Can’t sleep?" He just smiles as he silently drags me closer to him, kissing me deeply, so deeply. And suddenly I can’t sleep anymore either. Every morning I’m woken by his touch and his smile and it slowly starts to take some of my fear away.

Seconds, minutes and hours turn to days, nights and weeks, all spent with Luke. We tell no one at work of what’s happening between us and we both enjoy the secret. I’m certain they all see what’s circling around us though, the magnetic force pulling us like gravity towards each other.

All day I struggle to keep my hands from touching him.

He teases me, making it hard by sneaking in soft touches along exposed skin, leaving me tingling. He finds me amongst the shelves of books to whisper beautiful words and place a secret kiss on my neck that has me melting. He follows me into the cold room to wordlessly kiss me senseless, so I have to stay in there for a few minutes after he leaves, just to get my breathing back under control.

And in the evenings, I keep going home with him.

We lie on his bed while he plays his guitar and writes words for his songs. We talk endlessly by the moonlight or watch movies curled together on the couch. He cooks dinner for me and we eat together, often with Jared too, talking and laughing. They both laugh when I attempt to cook dinner for them. We sit in darkened cinemas barely seeing the screen. I go with him and watch the band practice. They all know of course. They’ve known since before it even started.

And all night, I never stop touching him.

I trace the lines of his tattoos in a way that I know distracts him. I run my hands over his smooth, warm skin. I kiss him now, making him breathless. I lie there listening to his heart beat and I’m still so hungry for him. I feel more alive than ever.

And every night I fall dreamlessly asleep in his arms, waking to hear his heart beat still.

∞

Towards the end of July, Mia calls from Chicago. I’m still at Luke’s place.

"She has a house at the Cape," Luke says. "Someone from her work, they can’t go anymore. She wants to know if she comes out, will we go there with her."

"We?" I ask with a smile on my face.

"Yeah we," Luke says smiling back at me, his fingers playing with my hair.

"So she knows about us?" I ask, teasing him as I slip my fingers into the front pockets of his jeans and pull him towards me.

He blushes and it’s adorable. "Yeah she knows about us, is that okay?"

I remember back to the things she told me at their show. How she knew what Luke felt, how she said it was obvious to everyone but me. How she seemed happy about the idea of the two of us. I laugh, sliding my hands around his waist, under his t-shirt and pulling him into a hug. "Yeah it’s okay with me."

"So we’ll go?" he asks wrapping his arms around me, his lips pressing kisses to my neck.

"We’ll go," I answer breathlessly, already distracted by what he’s doing to me.

A week later, we pick Mia up from the airport and drive straight down that afternoon. Me, Luke, Jared, Steve, Pete, Ben and Mia. We all pile into Ben’s van and drive out there. The house is amazing, sitting right on the beach and with enough room for all of us. On our first night there, the guys are cooking food on the barbeque while Mia and I make salads and get drinks.

"So I guess you finally saw him then, hey Ash?" Mia says to me.

"Huh?" I say, looking up at her.

"You and Luke. You finally saw him too?" She says gesturing to me and then outside towards her brother.

As I look out at Luke sitting on the deck, I smile, watching him laugh with the other guys while strumming on his guitar. I don’t notice Mia come up to me until she puts her arm around my waist. "It’s really good you did Ash, really good," she says quietly.

"Yeah," I say still watching him. "I’m very happy, he makes me very happy." And I am. I haven’t been this happy in a really long time.

Mia squeezes my waist before going back to chopping tomatoes. "So I guess the song worked then?" She casually asks.

I turn to look at her and she laughs at the look that must be on my face.

"Yes, yes I know about the song Ash, who do you think gave him the brilliant idea," she says smiling as she continues to chop. "He’s been crazy about you forever you know, and he just didn’t know how to say it, how to let you know or do it in a way that, I don’t know, wouldn’t freak you out," she continues shrugging her shoulders, as though the whole thing is obvious. "So I told him to just tell you, the best way he knows how – music. It’s who he is, it’s what he knows."

I blush now, thinking back to that night. To how perfect it was, to how perfect it’s been since.

Mia laughs again. "And you know," she continues. "He’s really, really happy now too. The way he is with you, well I’ve definitely never seen him this happy before."

"Who’s happy?" Luke asks as he comes inside and wraps his arms around me from behind.

I sink into him, my whole body falling back against his. I’m more than just really happy, I think to myself, as Luke bends down to kiss the top of my shoulder. Much more.

Mia just laughs. "You two," she says throwing a dish cloth at both of us.

I feel Luke’s arms as they tighten around my waist. I hear Luke as he whispers in my ear, "How can I not be with you." My whole body shivers and I turn in his arms, standing on my toes to press a kiss to his lips. A sigh escapes me as his warm hands move across my back, under the tank top I’m wearing and over my bare skin. I feel his fingers as they trace a path up my spine. I wrap my arms around his waist, holding him against me. I just want to disappear with him, but we reluctantly pull apart as Jared comes in and tells us. "Right, food’s ready, so keep your clothes on you two and let's eat."

Mia is laughing at us again and I suddenly realise they’re actually still in the room. I feel myself start to blush and bury my face in Luke’s chest, embarrassed that we’re so oblivious to everyone else. He laughs softly and pulls me tighter against him, whispering in my ear that we can continue this later, making me blush even more.

After dinner, we all head down to the beach. Ben, Steve and Pete build a fire which we all sit around, drinking and talking. I notice for the first time how much attention Jared pays to Mia.

"I think someone has a bit of a crush," I say quietly to Luke.

"Mmm?" he asks, leaning forward to rest his chin on my shoulder. I’m sitting between his legs on the still warm sand, resting my back against him, my arms on his raised knees.

"Jared and your sister," I say, looking over at them.

"Oh yeah," he says softly, kissing me just behind my ear in a way that causes a breath to catch in my throat. "He’s had that for ages."

"And Mia?" I ask. "What about her?"

Luke puts his arms on mine, linking our fingers together as he wraps our arms around my waist. "Yeah I’m pretty sure the feeling is still mutual, I mean they were actually together for a while. But it was ages ago and I don’t fully know why they broke up, neither of them likes to talk about it. I think she’s reluctant to do something again, partly I guess because he’s my best mate and partly because she lives in Chicago now."

I turn my face to Luke. "Really, but you wouldn’t care, right? I mean did you, when they were together before?"

He smiles at me, pressing a kiss to my lips this time. His blue eyes look so dark in the firelight, but I can see the intensity in them when he looks at me. It makes my heart skip a beat every time. "Nah of course not, if I didn’t think he was good enough for my sister, I wouldn’t be friends with him in the first place."

I smile and kiss him again. This is part of why I like him so much. That he’s so amazing and has such amazing people in his life. I feel so happy to be part of it right now. So happy, that I don’t even worry about all of the bad stuff I know is still inside me. I can’t think about it, I don’t have room for it when Luke is around. He makes me forget about all of it.

"Maybe I should say something to her?" I suggest.

Luke laughs a little, tightening his arms around us. "Good luck," he says, before kissing me again.

The next day we all hit the beach, armed with food and drinks and spend the whole day swimming and lying on towels under umbrellas. It’s the most perfect day which we all spend together; laughing, talking, eating, drinking and having fun. I feel deliriously happy right now. I haven’t felt this good with other people in what feels like forever. I can’t believe I’ve gone without this in my life. That I honestly thought I could. For the first time in a long time, I just want to capture and hold on to this moment.

The day is so warm and I love the feel of the sun on my skin. I ask them all questions; about how they met, how long Steve and Pete have been together, when the band formed. They tell me so many stories; answer all of my questions without smothering me in theirs. Luke laughs when he tells the story of how Steve first came to be in the band.

"We’d advertised for a bass player," he starts.

"And in walks this tough guy," Jared continues nodding at Steve, who is possibly blushing a little, now he knows where this story is going. Pete is smiling because he definitely knows and clearly finds it amusing.

"And the first thing he says is; ‘just so you know, I’m gay. If any of you have a problem with that, then I may as well leave now’," Luke continues, laughing even more.

I look over at Steve who’s smiling now. "And?" I ask. "What was their reaction?"

"This one turns to me," Steve finishes gesturing towards Ben, who is shaking his head laughing, "And says, ‘yeah but can you play a fucking guitar?’" And they all crack up laughing and I can’t help but join in.

It’s amazing to watch them. They’re all such good friends, so obviously close yet they talk so openly in front of me, willingly accepting that I’m now a part of their group too, just like Mia. And they really love to tease Luke about me.

"You know we forced him to have that party, just to get you to come over. He’d been talking about you for ages, ever since he met you. We had to do something just to help the poor bastard out," Jared says laughing. "Of course that dickhead messed things up a bit, but at least you came, you really made his night by doing that."

I turn to Luke who is blushing a little now and it’s so adorable, I can’t help but smile at him.

"Yeah and the night you came and watched us play, your boy here couldn’t wipe the smile off his face for the rest of the week," Steve continues, nudging Luke with his foot.

"Oh, but what about the night we ran into her and dragged her out to watch Damien’s band," Ben says laughing. "Christ, Luke was fucking mental after that night."

I’m laughing now too, but when Jared continues with, "Yeah but then there was "that night" and "that song"," doing the quotation marks with his fingers. "You know the one I mean Ash," he says with a smile on his face. "He definitely hasn’t stopped smiling since that night. Of course; there’s been a lot more happening besides just smiling!"

Now I’m blushing because I know exactly what he’s talking about. He lives with Luke and he knows I’ve spent every night there since the first one. I blush because I’m supremely embarrassed he knows this, despite being extremely happy and it’s not until Luke pulls me into a hug and says, "Hey leave my girl alone," that I finally laugh too. They are teasing both of us, but it’s friendly and I know they mean well. And really, deep down I don’t mind it at all.

Because what I realise now, is just how long this whole thing has been going on for. Just how long Luke has felt this way, felt this way about me. At how much he doesn’t care who knows and how much he doesn’t try to hide it; from them, from me, from anyone. But most of all, what I realise is how much he chose to keep trying, even after everything I did and everything I said. Even when my anger and fear pushed him away, he was still there, waiting for me. I’m amazed and elated he would do that, that he would still want me after everything I did. And I can’t help but smile when I realise all of that. I look over at Mia as I sit wrapped in Luke’s arms and find she’s watching us, smiling at me, like she knows exactly what I’m just working out in my head.

In the late afternoon, Luke drags me into the water, pulling me to him. I wrap my legs around his waist as he holds me against him. It feels amazing. The cool water lapping at our sun warmed bodies, his hands on my bare skin, my legs around his waist, his lips kissing my freckled shoulder. The others are all on the beach far enough away, but I still want more. As I pull myself closer, I hear Luke groan as he gently bites my shoulder and kisses a trail up my neck. My head falls backwards as breathing normally suddenly gets a lot harder.

"I think we should head back," I hear him whisper, when he reaches my ear.

I tighten my legs around him. "Do you?" I ask, my voice catching as his fingers dig into my back.

"Yes," Luke moans as he walks me out of the water.

We grab our things, Luke telling the others we are heading back and will get dinner started. I hear Jared laugh as he says, "Yeah right, you watch, they’ll both be smiling at dinner tonight."

I hear the others laugh too, but I don’t care. I just need to get somewhere alone with Luke. Right now. We leave a trail of our things from the front door to the shower, Luke pulling me under the warm water as soon as I lock the bathroom door. My body is screaming to get close to him, even now. I feel my skin ignite from his touch, as soon as I press myself against him. My heart races as he wraps his arms tightly around me, kisses my ear and whispers hoarse words that I barely hear, but sound like words that should scare me.

I groan but say nothing.

We don’t come out until the water runs cold.

The rest of the week passes by, one perfect day after another. We do nothing, just spend it together. Days on the beach, all of us relaxing in the sun and evenings cooking dinner together, laughing and talking around the table. Nights I spend alone with Luke, just the two of us wrapped around each other, still unable to get enough of each other. Both of us still constantly hungry, still touching, still tasting. And both of us falling into a deep sleep, only to wake up and do it all over again. It feels like the most perfect dream is being repeated over and over and I don’t ever want to wake up.

On the last day we are here, I wake early and for once, Luke is still sleeping. I lie beside him just watching him, a rare chance for me and I just want to remember this single perfect moment forever. Because as I watch him, I marvel again at how it all seems too good to be true; him, us, everything and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about it all, what I’m supposed to feel for him. If those words I thought I heard him whisper to me, were even real.

The only thing I do know is that I want to hold onto him, hold on to us, more than I’ve ever wanted to hold onto anything. And I’m trying really hard not to let that scare me.

I watch as my hand involuntarily sweeps lightly over his soft hair, almost as if I’m proving to myself that he’s real. I watch my fingers as they trace his eyebrow, his cheekbone and his jaw. I see his slow smile appear as my finger runs over his lips. "Hey," I whisper when his eyes open. His irises are almost hidden, the early morning dawn darkening them, but as they watch me, I know I could so easily fall into them and never leave.

I feel his hand as it slides under the sheets and around my waist, lighting my whole body on fire. His fingers dig in as he pulls me close to him and my skin is singing from his touch. Luke rolls us over, his body pressing me into the bed, blanketing me in his skin, his warmth, his smell. He smiles again, whispering, "Hey beautiful," and sending me flying, as everything inside of me slowly flips over. I want to hang on to this so badly.

Then he kisses me, softly, slowly and I’m drowning again, drowning in him, in us. And I don’t care. I know I could stay here forever, in this single moment with him, and be completely happy. It scares me, how easily I find myself doing this, scares me, how much I want him, how much I want us. It terrifies me that I could lose it.

His hands brush my hair back, cradling my face as he lifts his head and looks down at me. I watch him as I run my fingers lightly up his back before trailing them slowly down his sides. I see the change in his eyes, the sexy smile that appears on his lips.

"You are the most beautiful sight to wake up to," he whispers to me, his eyes darkening again. I smile as my fingers continue to move over his warm skin, my own body coming alive as I touch him. I pull him back to me and kiss him again.

No matter how scared I am though, I can’t seem to stop. I know I’m falling. Falling and falling and falling and I don’t even care. I’m in trouble, I should be afraid, and buried deep inside of me, that fear is there, alive and kicking, wanting to get out. But right now I’m not letting it, I’m pushing it further down and holding on to all the other feelings instead. I can’t ignore them anymore. I don’t want to ignore them. He’s all I want and I just can’t get enough of him.

Later that day when everyone is awake we head to the beach one last time. I decide to talk to Mia about Jared. We’re walking along the sand while the guys try to catch waves. When I ask her, "What’s the story with you and Jared then?" I smile as she blushes. So it isn’t a one sided crush after all.

She ducks her head as she says, "There is no story, not now anyway."

"So why don’t you make one?" I suggest.

Mia links her arm through mine, "Because he’s Luke’s best friend."

I laugh. "So, Luke wouldn’t care, doesn’t care actually."

She looks at me. "You’ve talked about us?" she asks, her cheeks getting redder.

I can’t help but laugh again as I tug gently on her arm. "Maybe, but like a smart person once said to me Mia, it’s pretty obvious to everyone."

"Shit," she says. "Shit, shit"

"What’s wrong, why don’t you do something? You obviously really like him and he clearly likes you. He’s a really nice guy."

She smiles now. "Yeah I know he is."

"So?"

"Ahhh, I don’t know, it’s complicated!" she says frustrated. "A part of me thinks I shouldn’t because of Luke, but another part of me is scared, of doing something about it, especially after so long, after everything that’s already happened. I don’t know, I don’t want to lose him as a friend if it doesn’t work out. Plus, there’s the little issue of me living in Chicago."

"Minor details Mia, minor details. And from what I hear, it worked once, so surely it can work again. There’s nothing that can’t be overcome for the sake of true love."

"Spoken from the woman who is in love of course," Mia responds pinching me.

I suddenly stop walking, Mia pulling on my arm as she keeps going. I feel as though I’ve just been hit with a sledge hammer. I feel as though my whole body just stopped working and then everything inside me started up again, only at ten times the normal speed.

And that’s when it hits me.

I am.

I am in love.

With Luke.

I am in love with Luke.

My hand comes to my mouth as a shocked noise escapes. My heart is racing as I stand here, watching the water run up to our feet and back out to sea again. I watch my toes as they slowly sink into the wet sand and I wonder; how is it that I didn’t see this coming? How did I not know this was happening?

"Ash?" Mia asks quietly. "Are you alright?"

"I’m in love," I say back to her, not thinking about the words I’m speaking out loud.

Mia just laughs, pulling me into a hug. "Of course you are you idiot, you both are!"

∞

Tonight we’re home alone, and Luke decides he wants to show me how to cook. After my previous attempts at cooking him dinner, he jokes that I could use some help. He’s right, but I’m not sure if what we end up doing is going to change that.

It’s nearly the end of summer now but the evening is still warm. All the windows in his apartment are open and we are both barefoot in jeans and t-shirts.

Ever since our trip to the Cape, things between Luke and I have only intensified. Neither of us has said anything. Those three words I said out loud to Mia remaining unspoken to Luke. But I’m sure of it, sure that things are different now. For me, it’s as though every feeling and thought I have about him is magnified. How he only has to look at me for my heart to start pounding. How a single touch from him gets my blood racing. How he is all I can think about night and day, even when he’s lying right there beside me.

He has to know what he’s doing to me.

Luke puts some music on and smiles at me as he pulls me into the kitchen to begin. I don’t know why he chooses to teach me how to make tiramisu when I’m supposed to be improving my cooking skills, but it turns out to be one of the most passionately charged experiences I’ve ever had.

He shows me how to make it without using a recipe. The whole time, he stands behind me with his arms on either side of me. His hands are on my hands, showing me what to do with them. We dip biscuits into a mixture of coffee and alcohol, our fingers covered in the liquid. He lifts a finger to my mouth, running it along my bottom lip, coating it and asks, "Do you like the taste?"

I lick the mixture off. It is delicious. Luke gently bites my ear lobe and my eyes close as I feel a shiver run through my whole body. He is delicious.

He shows me how to combine the cream, sugar, mascarpone and alcohol together. His hand is holding mine on the spoon, his other hand resting on my stomach, his fingers teasing at the waistband of my jeans. I dip my finger into the mixture and ask him if it tastes ok. We both groan as he takes my finger in his mouth and I feel his hand pressing tighter against my stomach, which now feels like it has fallen to the floor.

He’s standing behind me, his front pushing hard against my back, his arm around my waist holding me tightly against him. I can’t help but press harder. I can’t help but rub my body against his. I hear him groan softly again and feel his lips as they move down my neck. We drop the spoon and both of his hands slide up under my t-shirt and over my bare skin. My head falls back on his shoulder, my eyes close. His lips come down to mine and his fingers tease me as we kiss. Eventually I can’t stand it anymore and I turn to him. His arms slide down and he lifts me up, my legs wrapping around his waist. Never stopping his kisses, he walks me out of the kitchen.

The lesson is abandoned.

He has to know. He has to know.

∞

He is perfect.

We are perfect.

Everything is perfect.

I want it to stay perfect more than I ever thought possible.

The eleventh hour, when time is running out

∞

Playlist:

1. Done all wrong – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

2. Wait – M83

3. Everything will be alright – The Killers

∞

I know all good things must come to an end. It’s inevitable and it’s always been that way with me. One way or another, all the good things I find, all the good things I try to hang on to, they end. I wish I could say I can look back on all of it and remember the happiness, smile at the memories. But when it ends badly, as it always has, the only thing I remember is the sadness, the hurt, the loss and above all, the guilt over my part in it. All I can do is wonder if maybe I should’ve done something differently, or maybe not done something at all. Can good things really last forever or is it all just destined to end?

I know because of this, I’ve lived my life in a constant state of fear. That time is running out, that anything good is going to be taken away from me. Unfortunately this fear has always been proven and even though I can’t stand the hurt, the pain and the loss, somehow I find myself doing it again.

Hoping this time, it will all be different. Hoping this time, I will finally be proven wrong. Knowing deep down however, there’s not a damn thing I can do about it anyway.

∞

Summer is over now. The leaves have all turned a brilliant orange and red. Even though I know the cold and snow is coming, I can’t help but be happy. The world looks beautiful to me now and I know it’s because of how I’m feeling. I am completely crazy about Luke. I am head over heels in love with him. I love every second I spend with him and crave him every second he’s away from me. I still can’t get enough of him.

I never expected to feel like this again.

At work Sarah smiles at me and says, "Took you long enough." I think she’s being nice to me and I can’t help but smile back at her, blushing at the same time.

She laughs but it’s kind and says, "It’s nice to see you happy again Ash."

I stop and look at her. She’s being so nice to me, acting like my friend. "Thank you," I say quietly back to her.

She steps closer to me now. "So….ah, now you’re in with the band, how about you put in a good word for me with the blonde one?"

"Ben?" I ask surprised.

Now it’s Sarah’s turn to blush.

I laugh finally. "Yeah of course," I say, knowing exactly how she feels. "You should come with me when they play next time, I’ll introduce you."

She smiles at me as she responds, "Thanks Ash, that would be great."

I can’t help but wonder if all this, everything that’s going on now; Luke, the guys in the band, Mia and now Sarah, is this what real life is supposed to feel like? Is this how normal people live? It’s been so long since I’ve really experienced it, I can barely remember what normal feels like anymore. Maybe I’ve never felt it, but if this is normal, then I really like it and I want more of it.

I head back to the kitchen to see Luke. As I walk in there, he looks up from the stove and smiles at me and my heart just melts. He stops whatever he’s doing and walks over to me, pulling me into his arms. "Hey beautiful," he whispers in my ear and I feel like all of me is melting now.

I wrap my arms around him and we stand there, my head on his chest, his face buried in my neck. I can feel him kissing my skin and I can’t resist sliding my hands under his jacket, tickling him. He laughs and lets go of me, enough that I can pretend to escape. But he comes after me, grabbing me again and pulling me gently against him. My head falls onto his shoulder as he nuzzles my neck again, words of payback when we get home whispered in my ear, his hands touching me with promises of things to come. I’m laughing as I push him away, poking him in the stomach before I go back out to the shop. When I reach the door, I turn and see he’s watching me, a look on his face that I’ve never seen before. I’m about to ask him what is it, when he just smiles at me and heads back into the kitchen.

And seconds later, I hear my world completely shatter and fall apart.

There’s a loud explosion from the kitchen.

I hear Luke swear.

I see smoke start to fill the room, it’s everywhere.

I can’t stop the scream that escapes my mouth.

I know what this means I think, as my legs collapse and I sink to the floor.

Why does it have to happen again? Why does it have to keep happening to me? What have I ever done to deserve this?

∞

When they finally took Sam away from me, I was completely numb. Frozen. I couldn’t move, couldn’t talk, and couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t undo any of what had happened.

I remember them asking me so many questions, the police, the paramedics, people I’d never seen before. Questions I couldn’t answer. What happened? How long had he been like this? Is there someone we can call? Do you have any family?

I wanted to scream at them all to shut up. I wanted to scream at them that I had no fucking idea what had happened and why this kept happening to me. I wanted to scream and never stop, but nothing would come out, no words, no sound, nothing.

I remember my whole body shaking uncontrollably. My arms were wrapped tightly around me, like a vice, as I fought my own body and tried desperately to hold myself together, knowing anyway that I was about to completely fall apart. Someone put a blanket around me, forcing me to sit down. A burning cup of coffee was placed in my hands. I barely noticed it and it slowly went cold as I held it. I imagined Sam had done that lying in my arms too.

I couldn’t talk.

I couldn’t think.

I couldn’t do anything.

I could barely even breathe.

Sam was gone. He was gone forever, the only person I had left in the entire world and now he was gone. I had no idea what was I going to do. Had no idea how I was ever going to be able to survive this. I didn’t want to be alive anymore, didn’t want to face the thought of going on alone. No friends, no family, no love.

I just wanted to be dead. I deserved to be dead now.

Eventually everyone left. Eventually they took Sam away from me. When they’d gone and I was truly all alone, I thought I’d try and drink it all away; the vision, the memory of what had happened, even myself. I just wanted it all to go away. But no matter how drunk I got, the nightmare forced its way in, dragging me from my stupor. And even though I’d passed out, the nightmare still let me relive the horrible memory over and over again.

∞

I can hear people talking and yelling everywhere, but I can’t move. I’m on the floor behind the counter, my head is in my hands and I’m crying. I can’t bear to face this. I can’t possibly look up and see what’s happening. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want him to be gone.

Paramedics are coming in to the shop now. The fire alarm is going off. Noises are everywhere.

Sarah comes over to me, pulls me up, and gently tells me, "Ash you should go to him."

I am so afraid.

"Ash, go to him," Sarah says more forcefully now, pushing me into the kitchen.

"Ash?" I hear Luke call out. "Ash, come here, come here."

For a second my heart stops. If he’s talking, he is alive. If he can talk to me, he must be alive.

"Ash, please…." Luke pleads.

I don’t want to go. I’ve already made it so bad. But I can’t help it, I have to and I feel my feet walking over to him.

"I’m sorry," I say, tears streaming down my face as I catch a glimpse of him.

Luke is burnt and I caused it. I am doing this to him. It’s happening all over again and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

"Asha," he whispers, reaching his hand out to me. "Come here, please." He’s sitting on a stool in the kitchen and he slides his arm around my waist and pulls me to him as the paramedics start to work on his burns. His left arm is stretched out on the counter. I tuck my face into his neck because I don’t want to see what I’ve done to him. I’m still crying.

I am so afraid.

Luke is gently kissing my face as he holds me tight against him. He’s whispering words of comfort and reassurance in my ear, stroking my back and kissing away my tears. I’ve done this to him and he’s in so much pain right now, but it’s Luke who’s comforting me. I want so badly to make him be okay, to make all of this be okay.

The paramedics make him go to the hospital and Luke makes me come with him. We go in the ambulance and Luke doesn’t let go of me. They take him straight into the emergency department and still, he doesn’t let go of my hand. I’m still crying I think, but I follow him anyway.

The doctors come in and treat him. They try to get me to leave, but Luke doesn’t let them. His left arm is burnt, although the doctor tells us it isn’t too bad. A large bandage is wrapped around his left arm, from his wrist to his elbow. They say he’s lucky. It shouldn’t be permanently scarred or damaged and it will completely heal. He is very lucky. He never lets go of my hand.

Eventually all the doctors and nurses leave. They draw the curtains around his bed and they leave us alone. As soon as they’ve gone, Luke pulls me onto the bed with him, wrapping his arms around me.

"Asha," he whispers to me. "It’s okay, I’m okay." He runs his hand through my hair. I can’t stop the tears. "Ash," he says, more force in his voice now. "What’s going on, talk to me, please."

I pull back and look at him and once again his thumb brushes away my tears, his hands cradling my face. "This is all my fault," I say.

"What? No Asha, no. This is not your fault, it was just an accident, a hazard of the job remember?" he says, reminding me of that time with the knife as he pulls me to him, holding me in a tight embrace. "It was just an accident Ash," he whispers. "I’ll be okay, I’m okay beautiful."

I push back from him. "Luke I’m so sorry I did this to you, I am so sorry." I pull myself from his arms and as I force myself to step backwards from the bed, my heart feels like it’s being ripped from my chest. "You are better off without me, you are safer without me. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry," I cry as the tears just keep falling and I tear myself away from him.

I turn and run from the room, hearing Luke call out my name. I hear something crash and I hear Luke swear, but I keep running. I am destroyed. I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want him to die either. I need to protect him. I need to leave him.

I run.

I run forever.

I run until I’m back at my apartment. Then I run inside and collapse on the floor, unable to do anything else anymore. My breath escapes in hard painful bursts, broken by sobs and there’s an ache in my chest that feels deep and permanent. My apartment is freezing. I haven’t been here in so long, that the heat hasn’t been turned on for winter. I realise now that I’ve spent so long with Luke, in his house, in his arms, in his bed. That’s why it’s so cold in here, because I haven’t stayed here once since the very first night I spent with him. I haven’t wanted to come back here and I haven’t been able to leave him.

I feel the ache in my chest deepen, as my heart starts to break apart. I feel it as it shatters into a thousand tiny pieces in my chest. A thousand tiny pieces I know, I will never be able to put back together again.

Already I miss him.

But I should’ve known it couldn’t last. I should’ve known that everything would eventually catch up with me. That time was always going to run out and I would have to face it all over again. Losing Luke, my heart breaking, and being forced to go on without him.

I should’ve known it could never last.

∞

Part of the reason Sam’s death destroyed me so much, is I never had a chance to say goodbye to him. He was the person I was closest to, he was my whole life, the only person I had left, the only person who knew everything about me, and I never got the chance to say goodbye to him.

I never got to say I love you one last time, never got to kiss him goodbye knowing it would be the last kiss we ever shared. I never got to say sorry for all of the things I’d done to him, for all of the pain I’d caused. Never got to thank him for everything he’d given me.

Now though, I realise that saying goodbye, having the chance to say goodbye to the one you love, is worse. Because knowing they’re still out there and you’ve made the choice to walk away from them. Knowing that if you wanted to, you could actually turn around, go back and be with them. That makes goodbye so much worse.

Death by comparison, is so final, so definitive. The End. There’s never any going back.

When I lost Sam it was in an instant. One day I had him and the next day, I didn’t. I didn’t know it was going to happen then and despite everything I knew, I was never really prepared for it.

He’d always said to me, "But I’m still here babe."

I don’t know if deep down, those words were somehow finding their way inside of me, if maybe I was starting to believe them. But when it finally happened, when Sam died, then it was just…over. That was a part of my life that I’d destroyed. That was a part of my life that was now finished. It literally killed me when it happened, but it still just happened. I couldn’t change it and I couldn’t undo it. There was no going back.

This time though, I said goodbye. I actually had the chance to say goodbye, knowing I was walking away from everything I wanted to keep, and all I could hear in return was Luke calling out my name, begging me to come back. And when I actually had the chance to say my goodbye, all I could feel was my heart breaking at what I was giving up, at what I couldn’t have. This time when I said goodbye, all I could think was, he is still alive, but you are walking away from him.

Saying goodbye is so much worse.

∞

I’m lying on the floor in my cold apartment. My whole body feels frozen now and I can’t move because I just don’t care anymore.

Someone’s knocking at the door. It’s late, after eleven. It has to be him, Luke.

My broken heart is pounding, telling me to open the door. My head is screaming at me to protect him, to stay away from him. I want to listen to both. He’s still knocking, louder now. He knows I’m in here.

"Ash!" I hear him say. "Please Ash, please let me in."

I want to.

"Asha, please," his voice is begging, pleading, breaking as it reaches out to me.

I lie on the floor, silent on the other side of the door, desperately wanting to open it but unable to.

Luke keeps pounding. "Ash!" he says firmly. "I’m not leaving here, I’m not leaving until you talk to me, tell me what’s going on here."

He’s very stubborn when he wants to be. He fights for what he wants.

I wish I had the courage to do that.

There’s only silence now, the knocking has stopped and I wonder if he’s given up. I don’t want him to give up.

I don’t want to give him up.

I’m trying to work up the courage to open the door, trying to convince myself that it’s okay to open it, that he will be there. That I can just open the door and pull Luke inside. That it’s okay for me to do that, it’s okay for me to want him.

I want to move, but I can’t.

Minutes pass by.

I try and listen for his breathing but the only sounds I hear are my own hard, painful breaths as they force themselves from my lungs. My chest still aches.

The silence seems endless and it’s torturing me as I imagine him gone now. Luke gone, no longer caring and no longer fighting. Has he walked away now, has he said his goodbye?

The air feels impossibly still as I hold my breath, willing myself to hear him. Willing him to say something more; to ask me to open the door again, just one more time. Please Luke, please don’t give up on me.

His pleading voice finally breaks the silence, "Asha, please. Please talk to me."

And this time it cracks something inside of me. He hasn’t given up, and now I give in.

I uncurl my body, crawl to the door, stand and unlock it. He’s there on the other side and he looks wrecked, completely wrecked. I say nothing as he pulls me to him. Say nothing as he wraps his arms tightly around me. He pushes me back inside, never letting go of me as he kicks the door shut with his foot. He walks me to the couch, sits us down and pulls me into his lap. I’m so weak, I let him do all of it. Let him wrap me completely in his arms. Let him stroke my hair back from my face, brush the tears from my cheeks. Let him kiss me everywhere with his lips.

I can’t let go of him. I can’t let him go.

"Ash beautiful, please talk to me. Please," he begs. "What’s this all about?"

I want to tell him.

I want him to help me.

I want him to make this all stop.

I just want him.

He presses his lips to my ear, whispering, "Please Ash, I promise you can tell me anything, anything at all. Let me help you, please just let me make this all okay." Luke’s voice is pleading with me and I can hear the ache in his words, can feel the ache inside of me.

I want to tell him everything.

"Please Asha." His voice is barely a whisper.

So I do. I take a deep breath and tell him all of it. I tell him about every single death, about all of the death that was my fault. I tell him about my mother, Grace, my Grandad, Adam, Selena, Nate, Angela, my Grandma, Dad, Seth, Lara and Sam.

All of them. I tell him how I killed all of them. How I thought I’d killed him. How his accidents; the knife, Liam, the burn, have all been because of me. How I’m afraid every time something happens to him, it will be the last time, and I will lose him. He asks me about each of them, what happened and I tell him everything. He asks me about Sam. I tell him.

∞

Sam’s funeral very nearly killed me. It was back in Seattle, I didn’t have a choice in that. Despite five years together, Sam’s parents decided everything. I wanted to be a part of it, I was so alone and I wanted them to let me be a part of it. But it destroyed me, him dying and I couldn’t do anything. I could barely speak, even to them.

His parents tried to offer some kind of comfort, but they were in shock themselves. His brother was like me, numb and couldn’t speak to anyone. And his sister blamed me. Kate blamed me for what had happened to Sam, and I knew she was right. Knew she was right about me from the very start. That I was never good enough for Sam, that I would never make him happy and that eventually he would leave me and come back to Seattle. She was right, because in the end he did end up back there without me, and it was all because of what I’d done.

I tried to tell her I agreed with her, that she was right about me and that I was so very sorry for everything. But all she did was slap my face and storm off. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since.

I didn’t even go to the wake afterwards, couldn’t bear it. I took Sam home, gave him to them and then I just left him. I killed him and took him back there and then abandoned him straight after the funeral. I just left.

I haven’t heard from his family since. Not once, but then I haven’t contacted them either. A part of me feels bad for that because I know it would piss Sam off. He would have wanted them to try more with me, for me to try more with them. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t look them in the eye, knowing everything I’d done. And I guess they felt the same way.

If only they knew how much I blamed myself. If only they knew how much his death destroyed me too. If only they knew what kind of life it forced me to live. If only they knew what I’d done, what I’d lost.

I almost hated them for not being able to see the truth about me.

∞

Luke says nothing as I tell him all of this. Says nothing, just holds me in his arms, stroking my hair like he’s done so many times before. When I finish, I’m exhausted. My tears have dried up now, there’s nothing more inside of me, but Luke has never let go of me. It’s still freezing in my apartment and I reach for a throw rug to pull around us.

"Ash," he finally says. "You know this is not your fault, you know they were all just accidents right? You didn’t do this to anyone, you aren’t the cause of all this."

I shake my head. "No," I finally get out. "It’s me, knowing me gets people killed. I get all the people I love killed."

Luke smooths my hair back from my face and I feel his lips brush lightly over my forehead. "Deep down Asha, I know you can’t believe you’re the reason for all of this. They’re just unfortunate accidents that have happened. You aren’t to blame for this, for any of it," he says softly.

I look up at him, I want to believe him. I want so badly to believe that none of this is my fault. But I can’t, because it’s been happening for so long now and it’s always connected back to me.

"This is not something you are doing Asha," he continues, his voice gentle. "This is not something you are choosing to do to people. That’s not how it all works."

"I want to believe you Luke, I really do. You have no idea how much I wish I wasn’t doing this. That knowing me didn’t mean you ended up dead. But I can’t, I just can’t," I say, frustration building in me. "And I can’t let anything happen to you, I just couldn’t live with myself if it did. I can’t bear the thought of something bad happening to you," I whisper, seeing all of my sadness reflected in his face. "I really wish I could stop all of this from happening, but I can’t and because of that you and I….we…we…it’s…"

I can’t finish what I know I need to say.

Luke lets out a deep breath. He kisses me gently and I let him. I really need to let him go, but it’s like he knows exactly what I’m thinking, because he pulls me even tighter against him, his arms wrapping around me as he holds me in his lap.

"Ash, the reason I don’t talk to my parents anymore…." His voice is very quiet now.

I close my eyes briefly, wondering what he hasn’t told me, what he could possibly say to make any of this better. He moves his fingers through my hair, gently down the side of my face, before continuing.

"When I was a kid, I had a really shitty childhood, I mean really shit. My parents were really strict, very controlling, my Dad especially. But he wasn’t a nice guy. He was not a nice guy at all."

Luke takes a deep breath before he goes on. "I was a smart kid, a genius everybody called me. And my parents, my Dad, he used that against me. He pushed it, pushed me. Forced me to study and study, all the time. Took me from my regular school and sent me somewhere else. With kids who were supposedly just like me. To study all these highly advanced math programs that I had absolutely no interest in studying. I just wanted to go back to my old school, to my old friends. But they wouldn’t let me. They told me I was staying, that this was where I belonged now." He takes another deep breath, kissing the top of my head. "But I never wanted to be there. I never wanted any of it and I never got to have a normal childhood. Never got to do the things I wanted to do. All I ever wanted was learn to play guitar and hang out with my friends, play video games and watch TV, just like a normal kid. I just wanted to be normal."

He stops again, running his hand over his face and his head.

"I remember being so excited when I was about sixteen. I won this stupid big math thing that I’d never wanted to be in anyway, and my parents were finally relenting and buying me a guitar. I’d been begging them for ages and they finally caved. I don’t know why, but when they gave it to me, it was a violin and a book of classical music. Said if I was going to insist on playing an instrument, then I was going to learn proper music. I was so pissed off. I mean what sixteen year old kid wants to learn the fucking violin. I couldn’t understand why my parents never listened to me. Never heard what I wanted. I wanted a guitar and they’d promised me that, but then they ignored me and bought me a fucking violin."

He’s not smiling now and I can see the frustration and anger he still feels.

"Then by the time I was eighteen, they’d made the decision about where I was going to college and what I was going to study. They never once asked me what I wanted. Not once. They just sent off the application, paid whatever fee was due and that was it, decision made and they’d never asked me a damn thing."

I watch as Luke closes his eyes. The lingering frustration is all over his face and I can’t help but wonder if he’s ever told anyone else this story.

"Eventually I lost it. I just couldn’t stand it and completely flipped out, had enough. I didn’t want to do any of it anymore. I didn’t want my parents telling me what I was thinking or what I wanted. Knew they had no right to tell me how I should be living my own life. I was sick of never being allowed to make my own decisions about anything. Sick of never being allowed to just be me, the person I wanted to be. So after a year, I dropped out of school and I left LA. I just left and ran, eventually wound up in Boston. Not long after I learnt to cook. I shaved off my hair and I got the tattoos. And I started playing my music, finally learning the guitar and playing the music I’d always wanted to play. Along the way, I met Jared and eventually, we started thinking about forming the band."

He stops for a minute. He’s absently stroking my hair and I want to tell him he can keep going, that I’m listening to him. I run my fingers along his arm, but he’s staring across the room, his eyes not focused on anything and I’m not sure he notices.

"My Dad was so pissed when he found out," he continues quietly. "He tracked me down and came all the way to Boston. Came all the way out here to yell and threaten me. Threatened me with everything; money, my inheritance, disownment. He didn’t realise the only thing I’d ever wanted was choice, freedom, to be able to make my own decisions. But no amount of yelling at him got that message through and he couldn’t change my mind either. In the end, he figured knocking some sense in to me was the only other option."

"What?" I ask, shocked.

He looks down at me and smiles sadly. "Yeah, nothing like a punch in the face from your old man to finally get your brain in gear."

"Oh shit Luke, I’m so sorry," I whisper. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have a family out there somewhere. A family who would do something like that. I wonder if they’ve ever even heard Luke play, if they even realise how fantastic he is.

He looks down at me, gently tucks my hair behind my ear as he says, "It’s okay Ash, it was a long time ago now. And yeah, at first it was rebellion on my part, the whole school and tattoos thing, shaving my hair off even. I mean I wanted to change everything about me; who I was, how I looked. I didn’t want to be his son anymore, didn’t want to be the person he’d created, didn’t want to see that person looking back at me in the mirror every day. I just didn’t want to be me anymore, you know?"

Yeah, I really do.

"I mean I was pissed they’d never listen to me, just listen to what I wanted. But when he did that, when he thought hitting me would prove how much he supposedly loved me or that he knew what was best for me, well, that’s when I knew he’d already given up on me. That’s when I knew changing things, walking away from him, was the only way."

I’m looking at him as he tells me this. He doesn’t seem sad at all and I don’t understand why. "Have you tried talking to him again? I mean don’t you want to have a family?"

He smiles at me now, properly this time. "I do have a family Ash. I have the guys in the band, I have Mia, and I have you," he says seriously, his blue eyes holding mine. "I won’t lie, it took me a while. For a really long time, I was so angry with him and everything he’d done. But in the end what I realised about everything I did and everything he’d done, was that I was finally making the choices I’d always wanted to make. Now, I was standing up and fighting for the things I’d always wanted to have and do, but had been too afraid to try. Finally I was living exactly how I’d always wanted to and realising this, well it let me change, let me become the person I wanted to be. Finally I became me."

He pulls me closer as he continues, "And the same goes for you Ash."

I feel my broken heart stutter as his lips brush against my cheek.

"I’ve wanted to be with you since the first minute I saw you. The very second you walked back into that shop and I felt my heart stop when I looked at you. I knew right then, I would do absolutely anything for you. Nothing about that has changed for me," he says, his words soft and so very sincere.

I’m silent, watching him speak, unable to tear my eyes away from him now. My heart is pounding in response to the words he’s just said, at the possibility of what he might really be saying.

He stops, takes a deep breath and continues, "And what I’m trying to say Ash, what I learnt and what I know deep down, you understand better than anyone, is that life is too short to live without the things you want, to not fight for the things you love."

Now my heart stops.

I don’t know what to say or if I can even speak right now. I feel overwhelmed at everything he’s just told me. At trying to picture him growing up in a family like that; at seeing a man I’ve never met, hit Luke because he’s so ashamed of him; at Luke walking away from it all and making the decision to change. But most of all, at the idea that Luke still wants to be with me, despite everything he now knows about me. I feel my heart stop at the surreal possibility of it all, at the idea that Luke isn’t afraid of me or what I might do to him. That he could possibly want to do this.

With me.

"Why?" Is the only thing I can think to ask.

"Why what?"

"Why me Luke?"

He lets out a soft sigh, burying his face in my neck. I feel his lips against my skin as he says, "I can’t explain it Ash. I look at you and I just can’t look away. I look at you and even though I see all of the sadness and pain you carry, what I really see is a beautiful soul buried beneath it all. A beautiful soul, who desperately wants to be happy. Who I want to make happy, more than anything else in the world." I feel his soft kiss on my neck and hear him whisper, "I see what I once saw every time I looked in the mirror Asha. Someone who feels trapped, lonely, alone and….I, I can’t explain it, I just want to fix that for you."

My body shivers in response to the slow breath he takes against my skin before he continues, "I just want to take all of that away for you Ash, make it all disappear. I thought it was working, it seemed to be before today happened. I thought you were happy, I thought I was making you happy, that you were happy Asha."

Luke pulls back and smiles sadly at me again and I understand what he’s saying. It was working, but then today happened and everything changed. I thought it was over, I thought the worst had happened to him and I was lost again. Then when he survived, I thought for sure he would walk away, that we would be over, we had to be. But now he’s saying this to me and he wants to stay and he wants me to be happy again and he wants me and I just don’t know what to think.

He’s right about one thing though, I was happy, really happy and I really want to tell him why, but he keeps talking.

"I just want to make you smile again Ash and more than anything, I really just want to be with you." He stops and takes another deep breath before he continues, "Asha, I can’t not be with you, I really can’t. Haven’t you ever felt like that? That you needed someone, wanted them more than anything?"

I hear the pleading in his voice still and feel my heart catch in my throat at the things he’s saying to me. I can barely breathe now. Yes of course I know what he means. It’s exactly how I feel about him. He buries his face in my neck again, pressing light kisses on the skin below my ear. He’s working very hard to convince me and I’m liking it.

"The fact that on top of all that, you are just so damn beautiful, is really the icing on the cake Ash," he whispers, gently grazing my skin with his teeth.

Now my head is spinning. Now, I’m really liking it.

I’m so confused though and I don’t know what to do. I want to protect him, but I want so badly to be with him. I’ve never met anyone like him, never met anyone who lives as they want to, unafraid and so sure of what they want, so willing to fight for it. Luke says he wants me. I know he sees exactly who I am, what I’ve done, the real me. But most of all, I know I really want him.

But still I can’t.

I pull back and put my hand on his cheek and he leans into it. "But I’m so afraid you will die because of me," I say quietly.

He closes his eyes, his beautiful face showing only fierce determination. He opens them, pulling back to look at me. "Asha, when you ran away from me tonight, that felt like dying to me."

I can’t take my eyes off him. I look right at him and I see the sadness and the hope and the want in his eyes and I want to unburden myself.

"I do want to be happy Luke, and you are right, I was happy, so very happy. And it was you, it was you who made me that way," I eventually say, watching his face as he listens to me. "But I don’t know how to do that again, how to make all of this, okay. How do I do that without hurting you? What am I supposed to do Luke, what do you want me to do?" I beg, choking the words out and wishing he had the answers.

He looks at me like his heart is breaking. His hands are holding my face, forcing me to look at him now as he says, "Ash, I want you to believe me. I want you to be happy and do all of the things that you want to do. But most of all, I just want you to let me love you."

And before I can say anything more, he kisses me and I give in. My broken heart starts beating again and that scared part of me disappears. I cannot stop this now, because I no longer want to.

I want to believe him. I want to be happy again. I want Luke and I want him to love me. I want to be able to love him. I want to be given that choice.

At the stroke of midnight when a new day dawns, but chaos and death are strongest

∞

Playlist:

1. 100 suns – 30 Seconds to Mars

2. Tongue tied – Grouplove

3. It ends tonight – The All-American Rejects

∞

I’ve always been a night person, long before the nightmares started. I like the darkness, the silence of night. I like being awake when the rest of the world is sleeping. It’s a time when you can remain hidden from everyone, when no one can see you or hear you or know you. But it can also be a time to show yourself, reveal all of your inner fears, your inner desires because you know that come dawn, a new day will begin and the night and all that it holds will disappear.

But the darkness, the night, it can be dangerous. As much as I love it, it would sometimes scare me. It brings out the worst in people and it’s where the monsters lurk.

∞

I remember when Sam suggested we get our own place. It had been twelve months since I’d gone to Boston and we were still living in the apartment he shared with Simon and Brandon, which now felt very crowded. Things were starting to get heated between the guys too. I’d overheard things and I know Sam had said stuff to them. I didn’t know what to do, but I was beginning to think maybe I might have to move back home, that somehow I was going to have to find a different way to make this work before I destroyed it.

When I said to Sam, "Maybe I should just go back to Providence and commute?"

He simply replied, "Or maybe we should just get our own place?"

His suggestion made me smile, made me so happy because it made me realise he wanted to be with me and this thing between us was important to him, like it was to me.

I said yes right away and then we started looking.

It was tough at first, because everything was just so damn expensive and Sam was only working part-time because he was still studying. I hardly had extensive qualifications, so the waitressing I was doing did not rake in the big bucks. Still we were both incredibly happy and I remember thinking again, that out of Nate’s death, I was so lucky to have been given Sam. I thanked Nate every day for telling Sam to look for me, to come and find me.

We eventually found the tiny apartment I still live in now and after that, everything was great. We finally had our own space where we could come home to only each other, every night. Finally it was just the two of us and as I savoured it, I tried desperately not to think about what I’d been doing to the people closest to me all my life.

A couple of weeks after we moved in though, I decided I had to tell Sam about me. I think it was guilt that drove me to do it. Here I was, now living with a man who I was madly in love with, but who I was petrified of doing something terrible to. I wasn’t sure how it had all gotten this far, and I knew sooner or later I was going to have to get this out. Tell him the truth about me. Fortified by a few drinks, I broke the news to him.

It went something like this.

"Sam, I need to talk to you and I need you to take me seriously."

He looked up at me as he attempted to make us dinner. Sam was never really much of a cook, a bit like me. "Are you breaking up with me already?" he asked, a joking smile on his face.

"I’m serious Sam I need you to listen to this."

His smile disappeared.

"You being with me, it’s very dangerous. I don’t know what I’m doing here living with you, because there’s a very good chance it will end badly, that something very bad will happen to you."

"What?" he joked. "Are you like an axe murderer or something?"

"No Sam I’m not," I said, my frustration starting to show. "But everyone who gets close to me, everyone that I love, dies. It’s been happening all my life and I you really need to know about it."

He didn’t say anything, just stood there stirring something in the saucepan. I went on.

"I understand if you’re pissed at me, especially now. I should’ve told you before. But if you want me to move out, I will."

He stopped then, stopped stirring and walked over to me. "Ash, don’t say stupid things like that."

"You need to know this about me Sam and I really should’ve told you earlier, before we got this far," I repeated.

He grabbed hold of my hands and said to me, "Do you want to tell me what this is really about babe?"

So I did. I told him about killing my mother just by being born. I told him about grandad, Grace, about Adam, and I told him about Nate. Nate and the reason we ever got together in the first place.

Sam smiled when I mentioned him. "But Nate is the one who told me to come check you out. I would’ve come down sooner or later anyway and met you," he said, trying I know, to make me feel better.

"Yeah but you didn’t," I said softly. "You never met me until you had to. At Nate’s funeral, after I killed him."

"Ah Ash," he said, pulling me into a hug. "I think all of this is just a bunch of bad luck and you being in the wrong place at the wrong time. You aren’t killing people babe, that’s crazy."

My head was resting on his shoulder, facing away from him when I said, "I know I am Sam, and I’m afraid I’ll eventually lose you too."

He pushed me back then, put his hands on my shoulders, looked me right in the eye and said those fateful words to me, "But babe, I’m still here."

And that was it. That’s how I told Sam. I felt relieved to have confessed. Relieved Sam had listened to me and not walked away. But I was still scared, scared at the possibility of it happening again.

Shortly afterwards I looked up and smoke was billowing from the stove and filling the kitchen. Then the fire alarm started going off on account of dinner now actually being on fire. I turned to look at Sam, but he just laughed and said, "Now that was definitely my fault Ash."

I still wasn’t sure I believed him.

∞

Eventually Luke whispers to me to go to sleep, that he’ll be here when I wake up. He will stay here and sleep with me. But I don’t want to be here. I can’t be here in this place with him. We can’t fall asleep here, not together, not like this. I shake my head, "I don’t want to stay here Luke. We can’t stay here."

He takes my face in his hands, smiles at me because he understands now and says, "Then come and stay with me."

I look up at him. He is so amazing and despite my fear, I still want him so badly. "For how long?" I ask quietly.

He just smiles, kisses me again and whispers, "Forever."

And right then, deep inside my chest, my broken heart flips at that one word. Inside, all of those tiny shattered pieces start to fit back together at the possibility of a forever with him. I desperately want to believe it’s possible. I want to believe I can have this.

We pack some of my things. So many of my clothes are still at Luke’s place, I’ve spent so much time there, a part of me wonders how I ever thought I could walk away, could ever let him go. I know I was afraid, that deep down a part of me always believed this had to be too good to be true.

Before we leave, I go into the kitchen and take down the guitar picks he left there so many months ago. He smiles at me as I put them in my bag and together we walk out. I let him lock the door, carry my bag and take me out of there.

And just like that, I leave my old life behind and walk into a new one with him.

He takes me home. It’s warm in his apartment. He takes me to his room, pulls me into bed and holds me until I fall asleep. All I can smell is Luke. I feel safe here, lying on his chest, listening to his heart beat, listening to him.

When I wake up only hours later he’s still here, holding me in his arms. I move so our faces are only inches apart on the pillow. I feel exhausted. He looks the same and I wonder if he has slept at all. It’s only just dawn.

"Are you okay Luke?" I ask him quietly, running my hand over his hair, across his cheek. "Is your arm hurting?"

"I’m alright Ash," he says, pulling me tighter against him.

"I’m sorry about your family, about your Dad doing that to you."

He presses a kiss to my forehead. "It’s okay beautiful, it was a long time ago. I’m okay with it all now."

"What about Mia?" I ask. "Does she speak to them?"

Luke lets out a big sigh. "No she stopped speaking to him after she learnt what he did. I think she still speaks to Mom though, every now and then anyway, but it’s strained, I know that."

I take a deep breath. "That day you threw the phone, were you talking to him?"

Luke closes his eyes. "Yeah," he whispers. "I was. I was trying to protect Mia."

"Is she like you?" I ask. "You know, gifted?"

He runs his hand over his face, over his head. He looks so tired as he says, "No, it was just me, although she’s definitely not stupid. She just isn’t doing what he wants her to do. He still thinks he actually has a say in all this, in her life."

His face is so sad, so lost. I want him to be happy again. I want to make him happy. He’s done so much for me, so much more than I ever thought possible. I look at him, forcing myself to smile. "So you’re saying, underneath this sexy rock star lurks a total maths geek?"

He laughs now and there it is. His eyes are bright again. The worry and tiredness leaves his face. My heart surges with happiness, finally. I smile at him, kiss him softly. He pulls me even closer, dragging the covers over us.

"You think I’m sexy?" he whispers teasingly.

I laugh now. I feel like I’m home.

It’s been twelve days since Luke’s accident and I’m still living with him. His burn is healing and he will be okay. I’ve officially given up my apartment now and all of my stuff is either here, in storage or gone. I’m living in the apartment with him and Jared. I’m welcome here and it’s nothing like before. I want to be here. Luke wants me to be here. Jared laughs when he says I should’ve always been here. I don’t know how I ever thought I could leave him.

Luke makes space for me in his bedroom. We are lucky because he has the biggest with a bathroom too. He finds places for all of my stuff and he lets me be at home here. I smile as I put my toothbrush beside his in the bathroom. Stack my CDs with his. Hang my clothes next to his in the wardrobe.

And I hang the guitar picks in the window above our bed.

The last two weeks have been like a new start and I feel so different, so completely different to the old me. Luke knows everything now, he’s seen me at my worst and he’s still here. Every day with him is like a new chance and I don’t want to lose that. I want to believe this is all possible. I want to believe things really can be different this time.

I’m lying in bed reading when I hear Luke come home tonight. Mia is here again, staying with us for Christmas. I know now that she always stays with them when she comes to town and I know now how much Jared loves it. I also know it isn’t just a little one sided crush at all, that he is absolutely crazy about her and when I ask him why he doesn’t just tell her, he shakes his head and says, "She’s the sister of my best mate Ash, it’s complicated."

"He knows Jared and he doesn’t have a problem with it," I tell him. "You have to know that."

He smiles sadly at me and says, "Yeah I guess, I mean he didn’t seem to before."

"So what’s the real problem then, why can’t you just tell her how you really feel?" I want them to be happy. It’s torturous watching them both feel the same way about each other and do nothing about it. I don’t know how either of them can stand it.

"I don’t know," he answers quietly. "Too much has happened and too much has been said. Mia, she knows how I….I just, I just don’t know."

He blows out a deep breath and I realise how much all of this affects him, how much it must’ve been affecting him for a while now. I also get the feeling there’s a lot more going on here than I ever realised. Things have definitely happened in the past I know that, but there’s a gap neither of them can cross, no matter how much they both want to. I want to help them, after everything they’ve done for me.

I spent the afternoon hanging out with Mia while the guys practiced. We talked and talked all afternoon, well into the night. When I brought Jared up I saw the sad smile cross her face. They were stuck, both of them.

"Do you want to talk about it Mia?" I asked her as I grabbed us a couple of beers.

"There isn’t much to say Ash," she said quietly.

I squeezed her hand as I said, "I kinda get the feeling there is, that maybe there’s more going on here between the two of you?"

She looked up at me then and it looked like tears were filling her eyes. "Yeah, things have happened before."

"And?" I said, still holding her hand as I sat down beside her.

"And I don’t know, it’s a mess Ash, for so many reasons and things just seem to get in the way of sorting it all out."

"Have you tried just telling him how you feel about all of this?" I asked gently.

"No," she said sadly. "I already fucked things up once before, badly, and I don’t know how to fix that. How to undo the things I’ve done."

"Maybe you need to make time, find a way. Remember what you told your brother Mia?" I said to her. "You just need to do something, anything to show Jared how you really feel, that you feel the same way he does."

She shook her head. "I can’t sing Ash, you know that."

I couldn’t help but laugh. "You know that’s not what I meant Mia, you just need to let him know, really let him know. Shit, look at what Luke did and he had no idea how I felt."

Mia raised an eyebrow at me.

"What?"

"Ash, I hate to say it, but I knew how you felt about Luke within about two seconds of meeting you."

"Really?" I asked. "But nothing was even going on back then?"

Mia was laughing now. "Didn’t matter Ash, up until you found out I was his sister, you could pretty much see the jealousy and annoyance dripping off you. It was obvious how you felt, even if you didn’t realise it."

I blushed when she said this, knowing only too well how true that probably was. I just didn’t realise how obvious it’d been. "Do you think Luke noticed?" I asked, taking a sip of my drink.

She squeezed my hand now as she gently said, "It would’ve been hard for him not to Ash. He was so crazy about you, it’s a wonder he didn’t just jump you then and there when he saw your reaction to me walking in. In any case I’m sure he knows now," she continued laughing again.

I hope he does.

"So have you, you know, talked to him about how you really feel? Those three little words you blurted out to me at the Cape?" she continued, the corner of her mouth lifting in a smile.

I took another nervous sip of my drink, stalling before I answered her, "No."

"So you haven’t told him?" Mia asked. Subtly changing the course of the conversation appeared to be one thing Mia could do.

"No," was all I could say again.

"Why not Ash?"

I shook my head, took another sip of my drink. "I’m too scared," I finally admitted, unable to explain why.

Mia just squeezed my hand again before she let go. "You shouldn’t be Ash, that much I can guarantee you. You definitely shouldn’t be scared about telling Luke how you feel. You have to know he feels the same way right? You must know, I mean everyone can see it," she continued, smiling at me.

That’s not what I was afraid of. I’d heard him say the words once before, whispered in my ear so many months ago. I wasn’t afraid of what he felt; he never held back, his actions constantly showing me what those feelings were. It was one of the things I loved about him.

It was me. I’d never said those words back to him because it was the final step. It was like admitting it was all really real and if it was, then it could all really be destroyed as well. That’s what I was afraid of.

But I couldn’t tell Mia this. So I just took a deep breath and jokingly said, "Everyone but me right?"

"No Ash," Mia said gently. "I know you see it too. I know you do."

"Yeah," I said quietly. She smiled at me then and I smiled back, knowing that whether I said those words out loud or not, the feeling was true. I knew it, hopefully Luke knew it. And keeping it a secret or actually telling him wasn’t going to change anything, not now. And he deserved to know, he deserved to hear me say it and I really did want to tell him.

So it’s a little after midnight when Luke finally comes home. I’m lying in bed reading, but I’m definitely not tired and in no danger of going to sleep anytime soon.

"Hey my beautiful girl," he says with a smile in his voice, putting his guitar down and coming over to the bed.

"Hey," I smile back at him, leaning over for a kiss.

He touches his lips to mine. "How was the movie?" he murmurs against them.

I laugh as I say, "Um, we never got there. Talking too much and we missed the start."

Luke smiles at me as he kicks off his boots and sits down on the bed now, facing me. "That, I’m not surprised about." He kisses me again, his hand finding mine and our fingers lacing together as his thumb softly brushes over my wrist. It’s all I can do not to rip his clothes off right here and now. But I’m going to do this first. I want to do this, I want to tell him.

"Did you have a good night though?" he eventually asks.

"We did," I smile.

We’re sitting here watching each other and even though music is playing, I’m sure Luke must be able to hear my heart, which is racing inside my chest. It’s practically deafening to me, so I don’t know how he could miss it.

"You okay Ash?" he eventually asks me, his head tilting slightly as he watches me, his thumb still stroking my wrist. My pulse is pounding; he must be able to feel it.

I take another deep breath. "Yes. But I want to tell you something," I say. "Something important."

Luke just keeps watching me, as I sit there trying to get the words out. "Anything," he eventually says. I can’t tell what he’s thinking, if he knows what I’m trying to say, trying to do. I force myself to continue.

"Luke…"

"Yeah?"

And then I just say it. Those three words I’ve been holding back. Those three words I heard him whisper to me months ago. Those three words that describe a feeling I know I’ve had for so long now. Those three words that mean everything, I finally just say it to him.

"….I love you."

It feels like time freezes for a second before everything then starts to move in slow motion. I watch Luke as he blinks, then smiles, then grabs me and pulls me to him. I watch as he kisses me. Hard. One hand buried in my hair, the other wrapping tightly around my waist holding me against him. My eyes close as I kiss him back.

"Please say that again," he whispers against my lips.

I open my eyes, find him watching me. "I love you," I say again. "I really love you."

He groans, kissing me again as he pushes us down onto the bed. "Asha, I love you. I love you so much." His voice is strained, full of emotion as he finally says those same three words back to me again.

"You do?" I can’t help but whisper.

He pulls back a little, looking at me with blue eyes that are so full of love I cannot look away. "Yeah Asha, I really do. I love you, I’ve always loved you."

I smile up at him.

He smiles back.

Now I do rip his clothes off.

It’s almost dawn by the time we finally fall asleep, but when we do, I have a smile on my face and Luke’s warm arms surrounding me, holding me tightly against him. Now I know I’m home.

∞

Tomorrow it’s my birthday. Everything feels so different to this time last year.

But tonight is a really big show for the band. They are all so excited because finally some big names in the industry are coming to watch. Infinity is the main act and they will be the final performance. The guys are all bouncing off the walls in anticipation.

Even before I said it, Luke told me I was coming. When I started to argue, all he said was, "No, I don’t believe you will ruin it for us. I will refuse to play if you aren’t there." His stubborn streak is there when he wants it to be, but I love it that he knows what I’m thinking, and I love that despite everything he does know, he still chooses me.

He tells me, "Look at how well our other shows have gone when you were there."

I smile because I know exactly which show he’s talking about.

He isn’t at work today and already I miss him. I woke up with him only hours ago and he walked me to work and still, I’m craving him. They’re practicing all day and then he will come back to get me. I’m counting down the seconds.

It’s exactly 6:12pm when he walks in. He sidles up to the counter with an adorable smile on his face and I feel my heart skip a beat. I can’t help but smile back at him, can’t help but reach for him.

"Hey," I say, as he pulls me to him, folding me in his arms and pressing a kiss to my lips. I don’t even care who’s watching as he kisses me. I only see him.

Eventually he pulls back, whispering against my lips, "Mmm, I missed you."

I smile up at him and take his hand as we head back to the staff room. "Are you all ready to go tonight?" I ask him.

"Uh huh," he says, closing the door and shutting us in the room.

Something weird is going on and I turn to look at him. He has a funny look on his face, as though he has a secret he’s dying to tell me.

"What’s going on?" I ask him.

"I got something for you today," he says, stepping towards me.

"Really?"

"Yeah, really." He’s smiling as he asks, "Do you wanna see it?" His hand reaches out to tuck my hair behind my ear again. A jolt of electricity courses through me, and I know he feels it too. I see his eyes darken at the connection, his smile become something else.

I’m watching him. "Ok," I say, a little wary.

He slowly lifts up his shirt, to reveal a bandage on his chest. I gasp, immediately thinking something bad has happened. "Shhh," he whispers. "It’s all ok Asha," he continues as he slowly peels back the bandage.

I see what it is now.

A tattoo. He’s gotten a new tattoo. I look at the black design and I’m speechless. I’ve seen it before. I’ve watched as he drew it occasionally on scraps of paper, beside his lyrics, playing with the design. I’ve watched the smile on his face as he did this. I’ve watched as that smile grew bigger every time he looked up and caught me watching him. Extra bits have been added to it now.

I look back up at his face.

He’s watching me.

Waiting.

Wanting to see what I think.

I know exactly what this is, what it means. I know, because I also know what his other tattoos are about. I know what they really mean to him and why he got them both. I know he doesn’t do this lightly, that it’s a form of expression for him, just like his music. And when he gets one, it’s important and it really means something, that the design and everything it represents, is an important part of him.

And it’s because of that, my heart just stops. It stops with the realisation that he’s made it permanent, that he’s inked this design that he created for me, forever into his skin. It’s beautiful to look at, it looks beautiful on him. And now it is a part of him forever, I am a part of him forever. I feel like I’m going to explode, because I just can’t describe what seeing that design forever marked on his body does to me.

As he smooths the bandage back over it, I can’t help but throw myself at him, wrapping my body around his. I hear him laugh softly before I push my mouth hard against his, pulling a deep groan from him. I feel his arms wrap around me, holding me tight as he turns and backs us up against the closed door. I’m glad we’re alone in here. He lifts me, pressing my back against the wood. My legs circle his waist. Leaning into me, he kisses me deeply, so deeply that I forget how to breathe. My brain is swimming inside of my head and I can’t tell if my heart has even started beating again. I can feel all of Luke pressed against me and I know exactly what he’s feeling too. When he pulls back, we are only inches apart and he whispers, "Do you like it?"

I am overflowing when I tell him, "I love it," my voice husky with desire and so much more.

He smiles at me, knows exactly what I’m saying as he looks right at me and whispers, "Good, because I love you Asha, I really love you."

Now I melt, I’m melting at his words, those words. I could listen to him say them to me forever. I look right back at him. "Luke," I whisper. "I love you too."

His smile is bigger, his eyes darker now and my heart is racing. We kiss and kiss and I wish we were somewhere else. He reads my mind, because as his lips find my ear, he whispers, "Let’s get out of here."

By now, I can only nod. My brain can’t function enough for me to get words out, so I just let him take me home. Let him take me to our room. Let him undress me and pull me into bed. Let him touch me all over, with his fingers, his lips, his tongue. Let him show me how much he feels. Try to show him how much it mirrors my own feelings.

That I want him.

That I need him.

That I love him.

We are so close, I can no longer tell where he ends and I begin.

We have no time for a shower, but neither of us cares. We walk to the club, covered in each other, our bodies wrapped tightly around each other and I feel like I don’t ever want to let him go. Just before he goes on stage, I pull him to me and stand on my toes to whisper, "I love you." I don’t know why it ever took me so long to get the words out. Now I just can’t stop telling him.

Luke smiles at me, that gorgeous smile that stops my heart and then he walks on stage and reinvents the meaning of music.

I stay watching from the side, watching Luke as he engages the audience and sings his words to them. They are good, so good tonight, everyone can feel it. The crowd is going crazy and the guys are playing like they’re drawing all of their energy from them. It’s amazing to watch. They play a new song, a song Luke wrote for us. The audience loves it, but I hardly notice anyone because I can’t take my eyes off Luke. I can’t wipe the smile off my face either, I am so happy. It’s still there when they all leave the stage, over two hours later.

I pull him straight into my arms, telling him over and over again how amazing he is, how much I love him. I can’t ever remember feeling like this before. Suddenly we are both surrounded and looking, we see that they are all hugging us. Jared and Ben and Steve and Mia and Sarah and Pete are all hugging us. We’re all laughing now because we all know it was their best performance.

We all know there is something amazing going on here.

∞

I was twelve when I finally asked Dad about being born and what had happened that day. He told me everything. I needed to know it all, what had really happened and how he really felt. Like I said, he never, ever made me feel as though I was to blame, or it was my fault everything that happened. If anything, he loved me more and always made sure I knew that. And when I learnt some of the background, I guess I started to see why.

He told me how they struggled, how they’d both desperately wanted me, but Mom especially. It made me wish even more I’d had the chance to know her, wish she had the chance to know me. But he always said she was so grateful to be finally having me, that even if it was only for a minute, her knowing I was alive and okay would’ve meant something to her.

They’d been trying to have another baby for years. Almost as soon as Seth was born, they wanted another. My Mom had desperately wanted a daughter, not that she didn’t love Seth, but I guess all mothers want a little girl of their own. For years they had tried and for years they didn’t have any luck. They both had tests and everything was normal, but it just wasn’t happening. But Mom insisted they keep trying, one day it would happen, that she knew she was meant to have another baby. Then one day she woke up, walked out into the kitchen where Dad was cooking her breakfast and before she’d even sat down, she walked to the sink and threw up. Dad says she knew straight away what it meant. That when she was pregnant with Seth she couldn’t stand the smell of food first thing in the morning, it used to make her sick every time. So instead of being mortified at having vomited all over the kitchen, Dad just poured her a glass of water and after rinsing her mouth out, both of them were laughing and crying at the possibly it had finally happened again. As soon as the stores opened they went out and bought a test and when the positive came back, they were over the moon.

By all accounts her pregnancy with me was completely normal. The morning sickness she had was the same as what she’d had with Seth. She lost weight initially, which wasn’t good, but the same thing had happened with Seth. And when she reached twelve weeks, it all stopped, just like with Seth. The rest of the time was all normal. I grew normally, they found out I was a girl, which made her even more excited and everything was just so completely normal.

In the end though, I was born a month early. Whether the excitement of New Year’s Eve caused me to make my unexpected appearance or whether it was something to do with the unforseen complications, I’ll never know. But just before midnight on the last day of the year, when everyone else was counting down the clock to celebrate, I entered the world. And one minute later, just before the clock actually struck twelve, just before the New Year arrived, my Mom died.

They were holding me at the time, when it all started happening. Dad tells me she smiled, then he kissed her and then things started to go very wrong. There was a lot of bleeding, a lot of noise as monitors started alarming everywhere. Doctors were rushing around, I was taken out of her arms and out of the room. Dad kept holding onto her hand as they tried desperately to get the bleeding to stop.

"I love you," was the last thing she said before she closed her eyes.

I never got to know her and she, after wanting me for so long, never got to know me.

In the end, Dad named me Asha because it was what they’d decided on months before. Actually as he says, it was what she’d decided, that as soon as she found the name, she knew that’s what I would be called. There’s a part of me that wished I was named after her, but Dad always said this was the name she wanted and when she wanted something she pretty much always got it. He laughed when he said this, telling me, "Your Mom was very stubborn you know."

Depending on which origin you look at, my name, it means desire, hope or wish. Ironically it can also mean life. Dad says she chose it because that’s what I was to her. I was her hope, her wish and her desire.

But I also took her life.

Sometimes I don’t think I deserve this name, not after everything I’ve done. But it’s what she wanted for me. I really wish I could have known her.

∞

Afterwards we go out to the bar. People are congratulating them, clapping them on the back, hugging them all. Luke never lets go of me and I love being here with him, knowing that all of these people love him. I love knowing it’s me that he loves, that he is mine and I am his. I never thought I could have this again and I love him, for giving it all back to me.

The industry people find the guys and drinks are bought for everyone. They are impressed with tonight’s performance and want to discuss ideas, a possible support tour and recording session. The guys are so excited and I’m so very happy for them. I watch Mia and Jared as they dance around each other still; slowly getting closer, but still so far apart and I want so badly for them to work it out. Want so badly for them to have what I now have, what I know they both want.

When midnight strikes, Luke excuses himself and pulls me away. He takes me back behind the stage, to a room where all of their gear is being stored. He pulls me to him, whispering in my ear, "Happy birthday my beautiful girl, happy birthday."

I can’t believe he has remembered, that he has thought to do this with everything else that’s going on for them tonight. That still he thinks of me. "Luke," I whisper, my heart close to exploding right now. "You don’t have to do this."

He smiles at me as he whispers, "Yeah Ash, I really do."

He kisses me so passionately I feel like I might pass out. His lips move slowly along my jaw, down my neck and back up to my ear where he tells me, "I have things at home for you, let’s get out of here."

I don’t want to ruin his night or this chance for him, so I tell him, "Let’s stay. Stay as long as you need to Luke. I’m not going anywhere."

He smiles at me and kisses me again and we do more than we should in that tiny back room.

When we join the rest of the guys, Mia is smiling at us. I guess it’s obvious what we’ve been doing so I stick my tongue out at her to hide my blushing. She leans over and whispers to me, "Have fun back there did we?"

I can’t help but hug her as I say, "Thank you Mia, thank you for everything." She hugs me back and just laughs when Luke pulls me away from her, wrapping me in his arms, his entire body pressed against mine.

Hours later, we all leave. We are out in the back alley, piling the gear into Ben’s van. Luke is holding his guitar case in one hand and my hand in the other. I’m buzzing with excitement at getting him alone again.

As the van doors shut and we yell goodbyes to each other, Luke and I walk towards the end of the alley. Mia is still talking to Jared. They are standing so very close to each other now and Luke and I both smile when we see them. I wonder if they’re going to walk back with us, or if maybe they’re going somewhere else together. I wonder if they are finally really talking. Ben and Sarah are clearly going home together and I’m very happy for them. Steve and Pete have already gone back inside and probably won’t go home for hours. The apartment isn’t far and although it’s winter, there is no snow at the moment.

As we get to the end of the alley though, I see a shadow emerge and I feel sickening fear twist at my insides.

A deep voice snarls, "Hand over the fuckin’ gear," and I see the glint of metal as it rises to face us.

Fuck, fuck, fuck the voice in my head is screaming. My heart is pounding now, but for all the wrong reasons. Why didn’t we leave earlier when Luke said? Why did I tell him to stay? Why do I have to go through this, again?

The gun moves so it’s pointing at Luke and I desperately want to scream for the others to come and help us. The voice repeats itself, "I won’t say it again asshole, hurry the fuck up!"

I hear Luke’s firm voice, "No!"

I hear the sharp click of metal.

And above all of it, I hear my brain screaming please, please, please, don’t do this to me again. Please don’t take him away from me.

I don’t know if I’m screaming out loud or if it’s only in my head.

∞

The other part that made Sam’s death the worst of all was that his death was the only one I experienced first-hand. After everything I’d told him, he still stuck around and in the end, his was the only death I actually saw, the only one I really discovered. The only death I truly lived through and this made it so much more horrifyingly painful and real.

It was all so stupid too, such a stupid waste that could’ve so easily been prevented. A tiny little insignificant thing that you never would’ve expected could kill you. But it did and as always, it had been my fault.

He’d had a toothache for ages, weeks. It was interrupting his sleep and getting to the point where he could barely eat anything he was in so much pain. He wouldn’t go to the dentist though because he was worried we couldn’t afford it. We could, I had money put away, money my Dad and Seth had left me, but Sam wouldn’t use it. Said he’d be fine. But he wasn’t, so in the end, I found him a dentist. I randomly picked one from the net and organised an appointment for him. Made sure he went.

He needed some major work done and it did cost a fortune, but it worked. He came home pain free and much happier. After the swelling in his mouth went down, he was able to eat again and he was finally sleeping properly. I didn’t care about the huge bill we now faced, it was only money. I was just relieved, relieved that he was ok and relieved it had all gone smoothly.

I couldn’t have known how wrong I was.

About a week after, Sam started to feel unwell. At first it was just a high temperature, but then he started getting chills at night, which after piling on the blankets would quickly turn into sweats. It was amazing how fast he could go from freezing cold to sweltering hot. Nothing seemed to work, painkillers, cold showers, so I tried to get him to go to the doctor. Sam was reluctant, convinced he just had the flu and that we couldn’t really afford it after the last bill.

The following week, he started vomiting. He wasn’t able to keep anything down and I was now starting to get really scared. By the end of the third day of him being sick I suggested to him we go to the hospital.

"We’ll go tomorrow babe," he said to me, struggling almost to get the words out.

It was late and rain was coming down outside.

"Sam I think we should go now," I said.

He smiled weakly at me and said, "Just let me sleep tonight babe. It’s shit out there. I promise I’ll let you take me tomorrow."

In the end I relented. I wish I hadn’t but shortly afterwards he fell asleep and I didn’t have the heart to wake him. I sat there watching him for a while, an increasing fear working its way into my gut. I thought about calling someone. But as usual there was no one. All of Sam’s family were in Seattle and mine were all dead.

I could just call an ambulance, I thought to myself, trying to picture Sam waking up to the paramedics carrying him down the stairs.

As I sat there watching him sleep, debating what to do, his hand reached out and took mine. Without opening his eyes he whispered to me, "Come sleep babe. Tomorrow, we’ll go tomorrow."

Reluctantly I crawled onto the bed and curled around him. He was burning hot, the blankets having been thrown off and lying next to him, I didn’t need any of my own.

Eventually I fell asleep.

Curled around Sam. He was breathing, warm and alive.

The next morning when I woke up, it was the worst day of my life.

Sam was lying on the bed completely still. Not breathing, cold and dead.

He’d died in the night and I hadn’t even noticed.

I grabbed his hand. It was cold, unmoving. I lay my head on his chest, begging, desperate for a heartbeat but I couldn’t hear anything. I screamed at him, pleaded with him to wake up. I shook him, trying to force the life back into him. I even sat there stupidly praying to something that I’d never believed in. Begging, pleading, anything; I would give anything for him to wake up.

I don’t know what happened next, how anyone knew to come. Maybe they heard my screams, maybe I called 911. I honestly can’t remember. All I know is what happened after.

Them taking him away.

Being alone.

By the time the autopsy was done, his parents had arrived. They didn’t stay with me. They told me what was happening though. Let me come with them to the morgue. Let me see him one last time. He looked so different then. He wasn’t Sam anymore and I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye to him. Couldn’t believe it was him lying there in front of me, his skin pasty white and the faintest tinges of blue on his lips. I didn’t want to touch him like that, didn’t want to have that be my last memory of him.

Eventually they came and spoke to us. They said he had bacterial endocarditis.

I had to ask them, "What is that?"

An infection that spreads to and destroys the heart, they told me.

"What causes it?" I asked.

Bacteria entering the bloodstream through an open wound and making its way to the heart they said. Had he had any surgery or open wounds or dental work recently?

I felt my legs give way.

I felt myself collapse to the floor. Someone tried to help me up, but all I remember is the sound of someone screaming. It wasn’t until later I realised it was me.

They said it was an aggressive strain. They said it had worked quickly. They said it was tough to say whether treatment would have worked, even if we’d gone to the hospital the previous night. They said the dentist would be investigated.

Dental work. I’d chosen the dentist. I’d made the appointment and I’d made him to go. I wanted to tell them I was the one at fault, I was the one to blame.

That it was me. That he had loved me and I had loved him.

That I had killed him.

I had infected and damaged his heart. I had broken poor Sam’s heart. And because of that he’d never stood a chance.

And the only memory, the absolute worst memory I have of the whole awful day. The one I woke up to and which continued to haunt me night after night pulling me from my sleep; was the silence of Sam’s heart when I lay my head on his chest.

The empty silence of nothing at all.

Triskaidekaphobia, a condition characterised by a fear of the number thirteen

∞

Playlist:

1. How to save a life – The Fray

2. Saviour – 30 Seconds to Mars

3. Timshel – Mumford & Sons

∞

Despite everything I’ve lived through, it’s ironic that the one thing I’m scared of in life is death. Of course I’ve always been petrified of the death I’ve created, the death I’ve caused, but deep down the one I’m most afraid of, is my own. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave yet. I haven’t done enough, seen enough. I haven’t had enough chances. But most of all, I haven’t been able to fix all of my mistakes. When you live with as much fear and regret as I do, it’s terrifying to think of how it might all end, what my punishment might be. I don’t believe in any kind of God, how could I, but I am scared at what awaits me, at the thought I may have to face them all again.

That I might actually have to explain myself to them.

Over the years I’ve looked back at everything I’ve done and wondered why this had to happen to me, what had I ever done to deserve it? How being an unforseen complication could have resulted in all of this? When I finally worked out what I was doing to people, I tried to protect them, tried so very hard to walk away. But a person can’t live without human contact, without attachment, without love.

I’d given up on all of that when Luke walked into my life. I didn’t ever believe I would find it again and I didn’t ever believe it wouldn’t be taken away from me if I did. I was so afraid to risk it again, to risk my own heart and whoever it was who got close to me.

Luke changed that though, he changed me. He undid all of the things I’d done to myself. He made it okay to think I deserved more.

He made me laugh again, made me feel alive again, he made me happy again.

He made me love him.

And he loved me in return.

I don’t want to lose that, lose him. I want to hang on to him so badly.

I am so afraid, but Luke also gave me the courage to make a choice, and to fight for that choice.

So even though it scares me more than anything, I know it’s the only choice I have to make. It’s the only choice that matters.

∞

I hear myself yell, "NO!"

I feel myself move in front of Luke, standing between him and the gun now.

I hear myself cry, "No please, not again, please not this time."

I feel Luke’s hand tighten around mine, trying to pull me back.

I hear a loud BANG.

I feel shooting pain jolt through my body.

I hear Luke scream out my name.

I feel my legs give way and my body fall to the ground.

I hear swearing and screaming.

I feel strong arms catch me, holding me tight.

I hear footsteps running and Luke saying my name over and over again.

I feel his soft kisses on my face.

I hear his whispered I love you in my ear.

I feel cold.

I hear sirens.

Then I feel nothing.

Then I hear nothing.

∞

If it had to happen, then it should happen to me. I should be the one to die, the one to go. It should’ve always been me, always. I couldn’t let Luke go, but I could protect him from this, protect him from me.

It all made sense now, what I had to do. I don’t know why I never thought of this earlier. I don’t know if I ever could’ve protected the others, stopped what happened to them, because it was never like this. But I can protect Luke now. He will be okay. Once I am gone, eventually he will be okay. I will miss him like crazy, but this is the only way. I have to protect him, I have to fight.

I’m scared though, I’m really fucking terrified.

But I love him. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought possible.

His song lyrics are swirling in my head, some of my favourites. Words he wrote just for me, words he’d sung to me tonight. Words that tell me everything, everything that he feels for me; feelings I wish I could put into words for him.

I don’t want to leave, I really don’t, but I have to.

I love him.

This is for the best. This is the only way to protect him.

I love him.

I am afraid, but I know what I have to do now.

I love him.

∞

Somehow I’m moving and everything around me feels like it’s rocking. A finger suddenly pulls my eye open and there are harsh, bright lights above me. I want to close it again, to block the light out. I feel a sharp jab in my hand and then a slow coldness running up my arm. Something is pressing hard on my stomach and it hurts so badly. The rest of my body feels numb, cold. I’m shivering and I can’t make it stop. I want to wrap my arms around myself and make it stop, but nothing moves. My body feels like lead, like it’s weighed down and bound so tightly, that nothing will move. I can hear a loud noise, a wailing sound, it’s deafening and I want to block my ears. A hand is gripping mine. Everything is rocking. The hand squeezes mine.

Luke.

I hear his voice whisper pleadingly in my ear, "Stay with me Ash please, I love you, stay with me."

I want to. I love you too.

"Please, please don’t leave me. I need you," he begs me.

I don’t want to, but I have to.

I am moving again.

Footsteps, I can hear lots of footsteps, running. More bright lights now and banging. Doors are being slammed all around me. Voices are everywhere.

I am moving faster now.

Fingers gripping my hand, begging me to stay.

I try to squeeze back, let him know it’s alright. Nothing happens.

Luke.

I feel myself lifted and then put down with a thud.

My hand has been let go. I want to reach out, try to find him but still nothing happens. I can’t make my arm work.

Suddenly he is there again, both of his hands now holding mine. Squeezing it so tight.

Luke.

Loud noises are everywhere.

Beep - beep - beep - beep - beep - beep

Voices too.

….."Quickly, we need to stop the bleeding…"

…."Let’s hang three units now!"

Pain, there’s so much pain. It’s flooding through my body, a blinding, intense pain, pulling at everything inside of me. It’s pulling me away from here. I can feel myself slipping from wherever I am now. I am so cold.

I try to focus on my hand in Luke’s. I try to squeeze it but nothing, nothing happens.

It’s so noisy in here, I wish it would all go away. Please just go away. Please just go away. Leave me, leave him.

But the noises stay.

Beep  -  -  beep  -  -  beep

Voices, so many of them now.

…."Let’s move it people, someone get rid of those clothes…"

….."You need to stay out of here"…..

…."NO!"….

Beep  -  -  -  -  -  -  -  beep

"We’re losing her!"

"Get a crash cart in here…..NOW!"

…."Asha"….. "Please!"

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

"CLEAR!"

∞

Somewhere, faintly, I can hear someone counting.

Numbers.

One

When I was only one minute old I lost the first person from my life. I was an unforseen complication who killed her mother. She’d wanted me so badly, but in the end she never got to know me and I never got to know her.

Two

For some reason, then I got a decade off. But at the age of ten I lost my best friend, my loyal defender, Grace. I was a child and I did something so stupid, it ended up killing her.

Three

By twelve it was my Grandad, a man who always made me feel better, made me happy and who was one half of the greatest love story I’d ever heard. He’d tried to make me happy and it killed him.

Four

Then at sixteen it was a boy who had the misfortune to be the subject of a school girl crush. Maybe if he hadn’t been so nice to me, hadn’t felt the same way, it could’ve been avoided.

Five

One year later my Mom’s sister joined her. Her surrogate mothering earning her the same fate as my real mother. Once again I was the unforseen complication who caused it.

Six

By the time I finally had another best friend, I was beginning to wonder if knowing me was such a smart idea. When Nate died at nineteen, I was sure it wasn’t, because once again I’d been the reason.

Seven

Then at twenty-one my Grandma was next. For some reason this one caused me the least guilt, even though I was to blame. This one at least, gave a final happy ending to that beautiful love story, even if I was the reason why.

Eight

Then my role model, my mentor, the woman I aspired to be, died and I hoped it could all finally stop now. But that wasn’t going to be the last of it. Because then, then it really started to hurt. Almost as if death was coming for me with a vengeance now, like the last twenty-one years had all been a warm-up. Because then;

Nine

I lost my dad.

Ten

My brother, Seth.

Eleven

My sister-in-law, Lara.

Twelve

And Sam.

The man I loved. The man I trusted, the man who knew the truth about me and still stayed with me. Then I broke his heart and he died.

I felt like I was dead then too, that I really would be better off dead.

But I wasn’t and I couldn’t do it, so I did the only thing I could do. I removed myself from the world. Tried to stay away, tried to protect people from me. Tried so very hard, not to get attached again.

But then something happened. Someone happened.

Luke.

He walked into my life and slowly, gently he showed me how to smile again, how to start living again. He gave me a reason to breathe again. Showed me that living was worth it and it was worth fighting for. That it was worth taking a risk and making the choices you wanted to make. That he was choosing me, fighting for me and he wanted me to fight for him, for us.

I am going to fight this time, but I’m not going to let him be next.

So when it came time for number thirteen, that’s when I decided, I was finally making a choice and I would fight for that choice. This time I was going to be the one who would choose.

….Thirteen

And this time, it would be me.

∞

I feel a sudden powerful jolt. It surges through me, blocking out everything else.

The noise is all gone now, the pain too. I am no longer cold. I can’t feel Luke’s hand anymore. I can’t feel anything. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing.

And it feels amazing.

A memory flashes through me.

...late in the evening, walking into our bedroom and seeing Luke’s guitar. Picking it up as I sit on the bed, holding it as though I was going to play. Feeling him slide in behind me, his legs holding me between him. Feeling his arms wrap themselves around me as he places his hands over mine on the strings. "Do you want me to teach you to play?" he whispered in my ear. "You’d do that?" I whispered back, as his lips trailed soft, slow kisses down my neck. "I’d do anything for you Ash, anything," he said, gently biting my shoulder. "Luke," I whispered as his kisses slowly moved back up my neck. His guitar fell to the floor...

It’s gone.

I wonder what time it is.

Today is my birthday and I got the best gift of all.

I got to save him.

I wonder where Luke is. I hope he is ok. I hope the others are with him.

I hope he knows that I love him.

More than anything.

And I really hope he knows why.

I Need to Tell You

Music & Lyrics by Luke Taylor

I can never explain all that I feel, to you

I can never show everything that I feel, to you

But I need to tell you

How much I want you, how much I need you

And how much I love you.

I need to tell you,

That you are the air that I breathe

That you are my heart as it beats

That you are my soul and all that it keeps

You are my everything and

I will spend forever trying to show you.

But I need to tell you

How much I want you, how much I need you

And how much I love you.

I need to tell you

I really need to tell you

How much I love you.

Infinity, like love, is a quantity without bound or end

∞

Playlist:

1. Everlasting Love – U2 version

∞

Death.

The only certainty in life.

That’s what they say anyway, but really, they underestimate the power of other things. The power of choice and the power of fighting for that choice.

But most of all, they underestimate the power of love.

They say love makes the world go around, but that’s just not true.

It’s infinite and it can do so much more than that.

I was wrong when I said you can’t stop death. Sometimes, just sometimes, you can and it is the most amazing feeling.

I was only one minute old when the first person died.

And I was only just twenty-seven years old when I died.

∞

I am surrounded by blackness. It’s everywhere. The pain is back now, but it’s no longer throbbing, more of a slow, dull ache. I am not cold anymore. I can hear a faint, steady beeping that sounds muted and far away. The loud noises and voices have all gone though. It’s peaceful and quiet, finally.

I don’t know where I am, but I have a sudden, vivid memory of fear, a lot of fear. I remember being so very afraid, but I can’t remember why.

I have no idea where I am now, but I don’t want to be here. I try and open my eyes.

It’s dark but there’s soft light coming from somewhere and it doesn’t hurt my eyes this time. I want to move, but my body feels so heavy, weighed down by itself. I try slowly turning my head. The pain doesn’t get any worse when I do, just sits somewhere low in my stomach. I realise now that I’m lying on a bed in a darkened room that I don’t recognise. My head is resting on a soft pillow and I can feel something in my hand.

I blink a few times and everything around me finally comes into focus.

Luke.

He is here. He’s sitting beside me and he’s holding my hand in both of his. His head is resting on the bed I’m lying in. He’s facing me, but his eyes are closed as though he is sleeping.

A sharp pain suddenly lances through my chest, bringing with it a nauseating dread. Oh god, I remember now, I remember everything.

Luke coming in to work and picking me up. His beautiful new tattoo. Going home and drowning in each other. Their amazing show, the new song he wrote for me, the backroom, my birthday. Being so incredibly happy, loving him.

But then there was the dark alley, the man, and the cold hard metal of the gun. The gun that was pointing at Luke. The gun that was going to take him away from me. There was pain and an aching, frightening terror that took over. Terror that was replaced with anger, a fierce determination, and a sudden burst of excruciating agony that took everything else away, that made the world go black.

I remember making a choice; fighting for him, trying to protect him. I wanted to stop him from dying.

He was holding my hand the whole time, I remember that too. I wanted to let him know that I knew, that I knew he was there, but nothing would work, I couldn’t move my hand or my body. My eyes were shut. I was freezing cold, weighed down and hurting so bad, but he kept holding my hand. Through everything, he kept holding my hand.

I remember all of it now, I thought I was dying.

Luke.

I try squeezing my hand again. This time, somehow it finally moves and when it does, Luke’s eyes instantly open. Beautiful blue eyes find my face and are immediately filled with tears. I try smiling at him, let him know that it’s ok now, but I’m engulfed in him. Strong arms wrap themselves around me, gently but firmly. His lips are on my cheek, pressing soft kisses and I can feel his tears on my face, his words in my ear. Asha, oh god Asha, I love you. I love you so much.

I lift my arm and Luke pulls back a little. I reach out and gently brush the tears from his cheek now and he leans into my touch.

"Hey," I whisper, my voice barely audible through my aching throat, my own eyes filling with tears.

He smiles at me, that gorgeous smile that stops my heart. "Hey beautiful," he whispers before leaning in and gently kissing my lips.

I saved him, I really saved him.

∞

When I wake up this time, it’s lighter and I can hear voices. The pain is fading and it’s easier to move now. Luke is still here, finally sleeping, but stretched out on the bed beside me. The nurses don’t like him sleeping in my bed, but we both ignore them. I need to keep him close to me. I slowly roll over and watch him; lightly run my hand over his soft hair. It’s growing out a little because he hasn’t cut it for a while. I’ve been in the hospital for four days now and he hasn’t left me. He doesn’t say the words, but he doesn’t leave. Jared and Mia have brought us both some fresh clothes.

His hand is in mine and our fingers are threaded together, neither of us letting go. He wears my ring, the one that used to belong to my Dad, on one of his fingers now. I gently twist it around as he lies beside me.

"It’s yours Ash," he says quietly, his eyes still closed. "I was only looking after it for you."

He must have put it on when I first came in that night. It looks good on him. I pull his hand to my mouth and press a kiss to his palm. "No Luke, it’s yours now, I want you to have it," I whisper.

He smiles as he drifts back to sleep again.

I lightly kiss his forehead and then carefully sit up as a nurse comes into my room, trying not to disturb Luke. I feel his fingers tighten around mine, but he doesn’t open his eyes. I gently brush my other hand over his hair again. I can’t stop touching him.

"He never leaves huh?" the nurse says quietly, as she puts a breakfast tray beside my bed. She’s brought extra food.

I shake my head smiling.

She smiles back at me and then leaves the room, pulling the curtains around my bed before she goes.

I turn back and watch him sleep. When I first woke up and saw his face, his eyes, his beautiful smile, I knew I’d done the right thing, had made the right choice. That it had all been worth it, he was so worth fighting for and I would do it all over again if I had to. In a heart beat.

He is so beautiful.

∞

Now I am woken by soft, gentle touches, by fingers running slowly down my spine. Kisses pressed to my skin and strong arms holding me tight. I have no idea what time it is, the only noise is the sound of rain outside. I smile, bury my face in his neck and breathe in his scent; his arms tighten, pulling me closer. I feel warm and safe, surrounded by him.

I am back home, in the apartment I share with Luke and Jared. Mia is still here, she hasn’t gone back to Chicago yet. I want to talk to her because I think things might be happening with Jared now. I think they’re finally talking to each other again.

In three months the guys are going to LA. They’re really getting to record their album. It all happened after that night; the industry people really meant what they said and want to sign them. They are all so excited.

It wasn’t always like that though; at first Luke didn’t want anything to do with it, at first Luke didn’t even want to tell me about it.

"Why don’t you want to go Luke? This is a fantastic opportunity, such a big thing for you guys, you really should go."

He smiles sadly at me. We are curled up together on our bed. I came home from the hospital only yesterday, after spending a week in there. Luke still hasn’t left me. Poor Robert has lost two staff members because of this, because Luke refuses to go back to work and I can’t. I told him I was fine, that Mia was here anyway and would look after me, but he still won’t leave.

"I can’t Ash, I just can’t," he says quietly.

"Luke," I say firmly, my hand on his cheek, forcing him to look at me. "Tell me why not?"

I wonder if it’s something to do with his parents. If he’s afraid of going back there, being in the same city as them again. I already know he won’t see them, won’t ever get in contact with them. Although a part of me is sad they can’t see the man he has become, I completely understand his refusal. His Dad destroyed their relationship the day he hit Luke and his Mom did the day she ignored it. It’s up to them to mend that mistake, not Luke.

"Because I don’t want to be apart from you Ash, I can’t spend months in LA apart from you," he whispers sadly.

I smile now, finally realising what the real reason is and the sad look on Luke’s face turns to total confusion.

"What?" he asks.

I lean up and kiss his jaw. "I was planning on coming with you Luke," I say, smiling. "I thought you’d know that?"

Luke wraps his arms tighter around me, pulling me onto his lap as he softly kisses me again and again. "Asha, I really hoped you would. I want you to, I really want you to, because I don’t want to do this without you, I can’t do this without you."

I pull back a little, still smiling at him and brush my fingers over his cheek. "You won’t Luke; we’ll do it together okay? All of it, we’ll do together."

Holding my face in his hands, Luke rests his forehead on mine as he whispers, "Always."

I can’t wait to go. I’ve never been to LA and I can’t wait to see where he grew up. And after the album’s made, they are going on tour, a promotional trip around the States to begin with. There’s even talk of supporting another band, being their opening act. I am so proud of him, so proud of all of them, they really deserve it and I cannot wait to watch the rest of world discover how amazing they are.

Now we’ve decided to go, I dig my camera out again, trying to remember what it used to feel like in my hands. Luke smiles when he sees me, but doesn’t say anything.

"I want to capture all of these moments for you, record all of the amazing things that I know are going to happen for you now." I reply to his unasked question, sneaking in a quick shot of him as he stands there smiling at me.

His blue eyes meet mine as he walks over, pulls me into his arms and says, "You are the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me Asha. You."

So very worth it.

∞

Everyone’s coming over tonight to start discussing plans for LA. Pete and I are definitely going and we’re trying to convince Sarah to come too. Even though it’s new, I think Ben wants her to and I suspect Sarah wants to as well. I’m pretty sure we’ll be able to convince her and poor Robert won’t know what’s hit him if she leaves too. He’s already lost me and Luke; neither of us is going back now. I’m still not sure about Mia yet, not sure what her plans are. I keep watching them and hoping, but I haven’t had a chance to talk to her alone to find out what’s really going on. I’ve noticed things though; catch them watching each other, so I’m hopeful.

Tonight will be the first time everyone has been together since I came home. I saw them all in hospital, but tonight is my third night home and we’re getting together to celebrate everything that’s happened for them. I can’t wait, because I love having everyone together. They are my friends, but they are also my family now, the family I wanted so badly.

Luke is cooking dinner for all of us. He laughed at me earlier when I offered to help him.

"What?" I ask him, trying to be serious.

"Ash, beautiful, I love you more than anything, but your cooking...I’m really not sure how much help you’re gonna be in there," Luke says, smiling at me as he gestures into the kitchen, his blue eyes sparkling.

"Hey, I can help!" I reply, pretending to be hurt by his comment, but unable to hide my smile.

Luke just pulls me into his arms as he whispers, "Well, we could always make tiramisu for dessert."

I groan as I reach up and press my lips to his, pushing him into the kitchen to get started.

God, I love him.

∞

I did die.

I died for exactly thirteen seconds. One second for each life I’d lost, including my own.

By the time it finally happened, I was in the emergency room at the hospital. I was lying on the trolley, covered in blood and losing even more. Doctors were scrambling over me, fighting for me. Luke was holding my hand. A bullet was lodged inside of me and my heart was stopping.

Breaking; is what it felt like to me.

I can remember all of it now, every single thing that happened that night, right up until my heart stopped beating. They brought me back. I died, but somehow they brought me back. Then I had to have surgery. The bullet had torn through me and they needed to repair it, remove it from my body. It’s the only time Luke let go of my hand and it’s only because they made him.

But when I finally woke up, he was there, sitting beside my bed, holding my hand. Alive.

Now Luke lies beside me, his fingers tracing slow patterns on my skin as he kisses my scar. Reverent kisses of thanks. "For saving my life Asha," he whispers against me, igniting my whole body.

He has no idea how much he’s saved mine, I think, as I pull his mouth to mine and we lose ourselves in each other. No idea.

∞

I feel different now.

Something inside of me changed that night; from my decision, from the bullet or from dying. I don’t know what it was, but I feel very different, like it’s all somehow changed me. I don’t know if what happened in my past was always just bad luck, wrong place, and wrong time as Sam said; or random accidents like Luke said. Or maybe it had always been about me and by dying, I have somehow finally changed things. I don’t even know if it’s all stopped, but for the first time in my life, I am choosing to be hopeful that it has.

In any case, I’m choosing not to be afraid anymore. I’m choosing to live now. I have to.

I do still think of Sam, but I have accepted that he’s gone and I’m really trying to accept that it was not my fault. It’s hard in other ways though, because his death brought me Luke, who I just can’t let go of. But I do think back to the words Sam left me, asking me; to be happy, to travel the world, to fall in love again and to live.

I know I have that now. And I know why.

Luke is and continues to be, amazing. He makes me laugh, every single day and he still makes me cupcakes whenever I want them. He’s the reason I’m not afraid anymore. He’s the reason I want to choose now. And he’s the reason I’m always going to fight. He’s everything to me.

He loves me.

And I love him.

More and more every day.

More than I ever thought possible.

And now, I never stop telling him why.

I have no idea what the future holds, but for the first time, the possibilities feel infinite.

∞

Acknowledgements

None of this would have been possible without the help of several amazing people. Sarah Hansen at Okay Creations – you seriously rock girl! Thank you so very much for creating such a beautiful cover for this story. I absolutely love it! Thank you for all of the other stuff too, the stuff you didn’t need to help me with but did anyway, I truly appreciate it. Colleen Hoover, your books are awesome! Thank you for correcting my rookie mistake – Tim Tams are yours anytime you want them. Natasha (Natasha is a Book Junkie) and Jen and Gitte (Totally Booked) - thank you for the love you showed this book before it was even released, I am blown away! Natasha, you are a one woman PR machine and I cannot thank you enough for all that you've done. To all the writers at FP who took the time to read and review the early chapters I posted online. I’ve never met any of you, but you all helped shape this story in so many different ways and I hope it’s better for it. Tracy, you share my passion for books and really thought I could do this, thank you. Lisa, thank you for picking up all the little stuff and curbing my over-use of certain words, for the perfect Ed Sheeran song and teaching me what a 7th note is all about. Cathy, I know I owe you tissues, lots of them, but thank you for loving him as much as I do and always wanting more - you never know! Jackie, my BFF, you told me to never give up the dream and you always believed I could do this. Thank you for always being honest, for always being happy to read it, but more importantly for the friendship, the awesome TV suggestions and everything else you do. Andrei, my BF, you wanted me to just finish something. Well I did! I know it’s not the one we talked about and I promise I will get back to that story one day, but I'm going to have to say it; not so much a "gonna girl" now huh! Thank you for making me laugh, thank you for those cupcakes (when you didn’t even realise) and thank you for always supporting all of my ideas, but especially the crazy ones. I love you.

Table of Contents

I Love You to Death

Copyright

Table of Contents

∞

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10s

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

I Need to Tell You

Epilogue

Acknowledgements

Table of Contents

- I Love You to Death

- Copyright

- Table of Contents

- ∞

- Prologue

- Chapter 1

- Chapter 2

- Chapter 3

- Chapter 4

- Chapter 5

- Chapter 6

- Chapter 7

- Chapter 8

- Chapter 9

- Chapter 10s

- Chapter 11

- Chapter 12

- Chapter 13

- I Need to Tell You

- Epilogue

- Acknowledgements