Ruining Me

by Nicole Reed

Ruining Me

Copyright © 2012 by Nicole Reed

Published by Nicole Reed

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in retrieval system, copied in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise transmitted without written permission from the author/publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes.  This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.  Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to any person, living or dead, any place, events or occurrences, is purely coincidental.  The characters and story lines are created from the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Find out more about the author and upcoming books online at www.nicolreed.wordpress.com orwww.facebook.com/RuiningMe.

Cover art by Jes Richardson at https://www.facebook.com/#!/jesrichardsonphoto.

©Depositphotos/Rudyanto Wijaya

Chapter 1

Two years ago I learned the hard way how every moment of our lives define everything we are and everything we will be.  These moments either bind us deeply with reality or severs us from all the ties that bind us to it and in those precious seconds we decide which path we will choose.  The path of life or the path of death.

My path has been chosen and my time on this earth is limited.  I know this with every single breath I take, with every sunrise and sunset I see.  I have total control of it.  It will be my choice, my time and my decision, but today is not that day. Today I look around me at the same sight I have seen every morning for the past four years.  The same brick building that I stood staring up at my freshman year of high school.  The sign on the front reads Jackson Heights High School.

Looking up at the massive two story building I can honestly say that I will not miss it.  At all.  It's my first day as a senior.  By all accounts it should be the best year.  The one you have waited for since that first day you stepped into the hollowed walls of a school building, but I’m not the same girl I once was.  Now I see my old best friends, Molly and Reed, sitting on the entrance steps laughing.  Turning back to the parking lot I spot JT Higgins, my ex-boyfriend, laughing and kissing the one that replaced me, Stacie Courtman, while leaning against his shiny red Ford truck.  I guess we have all moved forward.

Turning back, I look towards Molly.  Her red hair shines brightly in the morning sun almost like it was on fire.  I notice that she is glaring at me and then proceeds to lean down and whisper to Reed.  He raises his dark eyes and stares at me.  His look is challenging me to walk towards them.  Looking down at my feet, the pain consumes me, because I know I’m not the only one remembering how close we once were.  Our parents had all been friends in college and we all grew up on the same street.  “Thick as thieves” my Dad used to say.  There is not a childhood memory that I have that doesn't include them both.  My heart starts hurting and my eyes glisten with tears I didn’t think I could still shed.

Taking a deep breath, I compose myself.  It's a muggy hot Georgia morning and if I stand here knee deep in memories any longer I may melt.  Even in a yellow barely there t-shirt and blue jean mini (just long enough not to get me sent home) and a pair of yellow low top converse, I’m starting to sweat or as my southern grandmother would say glisten.  At least I pulled my long dark hair up in a ponytail this morning and since I don’t wear make-up, only lip gloss, nothing is sweating off.

Walking toward the steps I hear a deep voice from behind me.

"Hey James. Wait up."

Yes, I have a boy’s name.  My mother named me after her grandfather who raised her, but all my friends have always called me Jay. I turn to see Caleb Myers smiling at me.  Cal and I also go way back to kindergarten.  Bonding over food because I used to feed him my lunch all through elementary school and somehow in his mind this equated that I was forever his best friend.  Now he is a two-hundred pound plus (mostly muscle) big teddy bear.  Cal is one of the starting offensive linemen for the Jackson Heights Bulldog Football team.  He is also the one person that I still talk to for the only reason that Cal doesn't give up easily.  When everyone else got tired of the cold shoulder and my bitchy ways and left me alone, Cal kept coming back for more.  After a while, I got tired of being mean to him and decided that I would just have to get used to the big guy.  Cal threw his massive arm around my shoulders and gave me a sloppy wet kiss on the cheek.

"Geez Cal, happy to see me?"  I couldn't help smiling.

"Yeah Girl, it's been a long hot ass summer and we are finally seniors.  Rule the school and all that shit.  Now tell me how much you missed me."

I chuckle because I did miss him.  I ignored his hundred million text messages and calls this past summer.  Choosing again to keep only to myself which is pretty much the same as what I did last year.    My motto was no lake, no parties and no people.  My smile fades as I glance up at him.  He looks serious all of a sudden.  Cal takes his hand and gently lifts my chin to look into my eyes.

"Jay.....I’ve been thinking and I need to get this out.  This is our last year in high school.  You can change things, it's not too late."  I try to grab his hand to tug it away from my face, but he holds tighter to my chin.  "Don't do this...don't continue to push everyone away," he says as his eyes plead with mine.

The look of pain that I see there is heart breaking and it takes my breath away.  Somehow it’s like he knows my secrets and my intentions.  Shaking my head, I force his hand from my face.

“You don’t know what you are talking about Cal.  Just leave it alone,” I say to him.

“It doesn’t have to be this way Jay.  Everyone misses you and we want the old you back.”

“We?  As in your best friend JT?  I don’t think so Cal.  He was just making out with his new girlfriend in the parking lot.  It really looked like he was missing me,” I respond sarcastically.  Pain laced my voice.

“What Jay?  You want him begging at your heels even after you’ve screwed everyone else but him?”

My eyes almost bulge out of my head.  Cal looked shock that he had said that to me and before he could say anything else I turn away.  Walking up the front steps to the school, I pass by Molly and Reed and through the front doors.  Pushing the tears back as I've pushed them all away.

I don't know what it is about the first day of school. There is so much anticipation in the air you can taste it and even I am not immune.  Keeping my eyes down I walk directly to my first period class.  I’m one of the first students to arrive for homeroom.  My teacher, Mrs. Davis, glances up when I walk in and she smiles at me.

"Well, Miss James Stevenson.  How was your summer?"

"Fine," I answer and smile back.

Walking to the back of the classroom, I grab a desk and drop my book bag beside it.  Pretty soon the class starts to fill up and the gossip of the summer begins.  I notice when Cal walks in the class room, but thankfully there are no seats near me available.  Bowing my head, I grab my notebook and begin to get ready for class.  I've learned that keeping to myself is easier if I just avoid looking at anyone.  Mrs. Davis finally starts talking and before I know it the bell rings and first period is over.  I’m able to slip out without having to talk with Cal.

Next I head straight to my second period class which is Biology.  As soon as I walk in I look up and see that Rhye Clark is sitting in the back.  Rhye is your average high school bad boy with his dark shaggy hair and intense dark chocolate eyes with a lanky long frame.  He has his eyebrow and lip pierced plus super cool tattoos on both arms that complete his rock star image.  He is wearing his band logo “The Mavs” on his black t-shirt and faded black jeans.  I’m pretty sure that his glazed look has something more to do with what he smoked this morning and not that his band probably played somewhere downtown until late last night.

His eyes brighten as he notices me and then gives me that sexy grin.  Trying to get my attention he nods his head to the seat next to him.  I pointedly roll my eyes and grab a seat on the other side of the room.  There was a time that I thought taking control of my life meant controlling who I slept with.  My first conquest was Rhye.  He had flirted with me for years and the moment that JT and I were over he quickly moved in.  Rhye and his lifestyle quickly became like a drug and he loved corrupting me almost a little too much.

I can feel his eyes are on me the entire class.  In the couple of months I spent as his “friend with benefits”, I did learn the advantage of dating the bad boy.  Unfortunately, that also included learning that even high school lead singers have groupies.  I can be easy, but I don’t share and Rhye learned this lesson too late.  When the bell finally rang I gathered my books and stuffed them in my bag.

“How was your summer Jay?”

His voice was low and sexy.  Damn those dark eyes.  I stood up and looked at him.

“Great.  Thanks for asking.”

I walked out of the class room and could hear him following right behind me.

“Did you not get the little messages I sent to you?”

I stop suddenly and whirl around to face him.  Does he have to be so freaking good looking?  Stepping towards him to look into his eyes, I place my pointed finger directly into his chest.

“Yes I did.  I need you to be less stalkerish Rhye and more grow the fuck up and move on Rhye.  You cheated on me.  Remember?”

He actually winces and pain fills those dark eyes, making me think he does regret what happened.  “Damn Jay, it’s been almost a year.  I messed up.  Just let that shit die.  I just want you to come out and watch us play.”

Rolling my eyes I turn to walk away.  I feel his hand circle my wrist and he gently tugs me back around pulling me closer towards him.

“I wouldn’t mind if you want to stay the night afterwards either.  I’m sure we could think of something to do.”

“Dream on rock star.  My groupie days are over.”

This time when I turn to walk away he lets me go.  I hear him chuckle and I groan.  He is just too sexy for my own good.  It’s getting harder and harder to turn him away and I think that’s his plan because he is slowly wearing me down.

Third period was a study period so I passed that hour in the library hiding out.  When the bell finally rang for lunch I was surprised that so much of the day had passed.  Since it was a sunny day I decided to sit outside.  Most everyone respects that I want to keep to myself.  Only a few dare try and have a conversation with me.  Usually one word answers deters them.  I hear the whispers of “stuck-up” and “what a bitch”.  Listening to them, I should be used to it by now, but it still stings.  I catch myself smiling when someone smiles at me.  It's hard to go from the school sweetheart, to well, whatever I am now.

Looking up from reading my book I notice JT staring at me. His eyes are the perfect shade of a deep midnight blue.  Sighing, I remember a time when I could look into those eyes for hours and see my future for miles and miles.  Now I’m not so sure what I would see.

Once JT had the perfect girlfriend and in a moment she was gone.  He tried for weeks to talk with me and even camped outside my bedroom window, literally popping his old boy scout tent outside.  I thought my Dad was going to kill him. I finally told him there was someone else and that was it.  If I had known it was that easy, I would have lied earlier.  Well, really it wasn't a lie.

Glancing back down at my book I see a pair of black Nikes step next to me.  I look up and have to shield my eyes from the sun to see JT glaring down.  It’s hard to look into those eyes that I used to dream about so I look away because I just can’t bare it.  He must have stepped in front of the sun’s rays because I can’t feel them on my face anymore.

"What can I do for you JT?”

My voice sounds breathy and my eyes shift back to him.  He still does this to me. My body begins to slightly shake because he makes me nervous and at the same time I can’t help but to still want him.  In that second I remember every moment.  We shared our first kiss in seventh grade and the innocence of that kiss was what made it so memorable.

"How was your summer, Jay?”  His voice sounds so angry.  It startles me for a second, but he continues to talk to me.  "Kip says he saw you downtown at O’Malley’s a couple of times.  Guess you were giving that fake ID a workout, huh?"

Kip is JT's older brother who is in college.  I still talk to Kip when I see him.  We don’t ever discuss JT.  He slowly lowers his body down to look me in the eye.  "Are you too good to hang out with us kiddies?"  I don’t think he realizes that his words are weapons and each one cuts me deep enough to bleed.

"Wow, JT, I didn't know you missed me that much.  I figured you were too busy screwing Stacie all summer," I say sarcastically.  I couldn't help myself because I am bleeding from the inside out.  The people I do hang out with like to gossip and through the grapevine I heard this from a friend of Kip’s this past summer, but as soon as I say it I wish I didn't.  It shows that I care.  JT's cheeks redden and he leans in closer.

"Anytime you want that to be you, just let me know."  He then stands up and walks away.  There was a time that I prayed for that to happen, for me to be that girl, but that time is past.

Before I know it schools over and I am walking out to my car thinking about my last couple of classes.  I ended up in another class with Cal and fortunately for me he just shook his head and left me alone. Fifth period was my Art class and both Reed and Molly were in it.  My Art teacher, Miss Kell, talked about our goals for this year so nobody had a chance to talk much in her class.  Last period was gym and of course I would end up having it with JT  He didn't say anything else to me.

With my thoughts on everything that happened today I almost missed the piece of paper caught underneath my yellow Ford Mustang’s windshield, knowing what it was before I even read it.  Damn, I was hoping this year he would quit sending them.  I yank it off and start to wad up the paper in my hand.    Last year I ignored his little notes, there were only a couple.  Praying this year he would give me a freaking break, I realize now that's not going to happen.  My mind knows I should just throw it away, but I open it anyway.

I can't stop thinking about you.

He's smart.  The notes are typed.  No way to trace it back, even if I wanted to do something about it which I don’t.  Ripping it up and tossing it to the ground I get in my car and drive away.

Not feeling like going home I head downtown.  No one is at home anyway because both of my parents own and operate a small airfield outside of our town.  My mother and father are both licensed pilots for the rich and famous.  Georgia is the new Hollywood “It” spot for making movies and my parents are cashing in on that.  Good for them and even better for me, because I'm home alone most of the time.  It doesn’t bother me and it's probably for the best.  When we do spend time together lately we just end up fighting.

Traffic is light this time of day and I decide to drive to my favorite bar.  We live in a small town that is right outside a big college town.  So within twenty minutes I can be at some of the best college bars around.  My cousin hooked me up with a fake ID a year ago.  O’Malley’s is where the young college crowd hangs out and it’s my favorite.  Eighteen to enter and twenty-one to drink and my ID says I’m both. O’Malley’s looks like an Irish pub during the day, but at night they have some great bands and it’s a cool place to play pool and dance.

As I walk in I hear a Mazzy Star song playing in the background.  Not many people are here at four o’clock in the afternoon.  I’ve gotten to be friends with the day bartender Jill.  She is about six foot tall and looks like she would be right at home on a volley ball court with her California girl looks.  Jill is in her late twenties and currently finishing up her Master’s degree in Education.  She smiles when she sees me sit down at the bar.

“Hey Jay, how was the dreaded first day of school?”

“Please kill me now.  It was that awful.”  I cross my arms on the bar and lay my head on top.  I groan and raise my head up and ask, “Can I get a Sprite?”  Jill laughs at me and fixes my drink.

“Sure Baby Girl.  So, I haven’t seen you around these past couple of weeks. Have you met the new weekend bartender?”  I shake my head no while gulping down my Sprite so she continues.  “Oh my God he is hot.  Seriously fuckable.  He’s about six foot two with buzzed dark hair.  He’s got amazing cut arms and don’t get me started on his stomach.  One night he pulled his t-shirt up and he’s got a serious six pack.  Oh, and his butt?  You could bounce a quarter off of it.”  I spit out my drink all over the bar at his butt description.  Jill grabs a rag and starts to wipe it up as she continues, “I didn’t know that people could actually have eyes that green and he’s got the coolest tats on both of his arms and neck.  The man is pulling in some serious tips from all the college girls.  If I wasn’t in a serious relationship right now, I’d be right there with them,” she gushes.

Jill is constantly trying to hook me up and she scouts all the beaus from the buttholes.  She knows I’m only looking for one night stands and pretty much she is my safety net.  I’ve learned that most bartenders know who and what is going down in their bars.  Jill started talking to me again pulling me away from my thoughts.

“I’ve worked with him a couple of times and he seems super nice.  He just moved to town to work for his family.  It seems his brother owns a construction company and he has a daytime job with him, but with the economy being what it is, he supplements his income with bartending on the side.  He’s twenty-three and never been married and no kids.  Seems he is from somewhere in the Midwest originally and get this, he’s currently single,” she sings single.  I started to say how he just didn’t sound like my type, considering his age, when the door opened behind the bar.

When he walked through the doors he looked up and smiled at Jill and just said, “Hi.”  I knew instantly who he was.  Jill had described him perfectly.  He glanced around and finally noticed me.  We stare at each other for a split second and then he grins and nods his head toward me and turns away asking Jill something about his work shifts.

Now I know most guys consider me good looking.  I admit that I never lacked for attention in school, but to be honest I never understood what guys saw in me.  I didn’t have the beautiful hair or curvy body like Molly does.  My eyes aren’t a vibrant blue, but more of a dull gray.  I’m not saying that I’m not cute.  I just don’t consider myself gorgeous.  However, in this moment I wanted him to notice me.  Lust almost doubled me over, but there was something else too.  Something I would have sworn that also passed through his eyes a moment ago.

My eyes took him all in with his black shaved head and shiny emerald eyes.  He has a strong nose and nice full lips. His tight black t-shirt hugs his huge biceps and he has black swirls that go down his left arm while on his right there was a total tattoo sleeve.  He has some black writing on the side of his neck that I couldn’t read yet. Blue jeans mold his behind and Jill totally got that part right.  I can see why he was making good tips now.

I finally allowed my eyes to travel back up to his face and oh my goodness, he is smiling at me and wouldn’t you know he has not one, but two dimples.  He turns completely from Jill towards me.

“Like what you see, Sweetheart?”  His voice sounded hoarse and super sexy.

It takes a moment for my brain to catch up and when it did for some reason what he said pissed me off.  What a conceited jackass which is a total turn off for me.  I should have known with his looks he couldn’t possibly have a good personality too.

“Not anymore, Sweetie,” I reply snidely back.  I took a swig of my drink and look back toward Jill.  He burst out laughing and takes a step toward me to lean on the bar directly across from me.

“Okay, that was fair.  Can I say that I like what I see?”  His voice pulled at something deep down in me.  I know his type and all they want is for girls to pet their oversized egos and other things that were lower.  I so wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

“That depends.  What is it that you see?” I gave him my evil smile.

“Now that could be the trickiest question a woman has ever asked me.  So I guess I will stick with the truth and say that I see a dark haired beauty with eyes the color of a stormy sea sitting in front of me.”  My heart melted for just a second until he continued to speak, “or I could be honest with us both and tell you how a minute ago I saw those same stormy eyes devouring me from head to toe.”

I couldn’t control my next words that flew out of my mouth.  “What a conceited ass.  I like eye candy as much as the next girl, but you soon learn the truth about candy.”  He laughs louder that time.

“What that it melts in your mouth and not in your hand?”  Damn it, that sexy smile and voice is getting to me.

“You wish,” I reply and laugh.  I can’t believe he just said that and shake my head no.

“I have to fucking ask then just what is the truth about candy?”

I lean in closer to him like I am going to whisper my answer and he leans in.  Our mouths are only inches away from each other and his gaze breaks from mine drifting down to my mouth.  I intentionally lick my lips and answer him.  “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

His eyes return to mine and we stare at each other.  He finally blinks and grins at me.

“That was so lame.  I mean really, that’s all you got?”

I shrug my shoulders and glance back to Jill.  Her eyes have been volleying back and forth between us during our conversation.  She finally laughs and nudges his shoulder.

“I guess I’ll do the introductions.  Kane this is my friend Jay.  Jay this is the new bartender Kane.  Both of you need to play nice while I go back and get the schedule worked out.”

I look down at my Sprite and realize it’s gone.

“Can I get you a refill?”

“No thanks, I’m good,” I answer.  I try looking everywhere, but at him.  I can feel his eyes on me and it’s driving me crazy.

“Would you like to go out sometime?”

“I don’t think so.”

“What?  You afraid of going cross eyed from staring at me all night.”  I shoot him my mean look.  He laughs again.  “I’m just kidding.  Really I would like to take you out.  Don’t make me beg.”  He tilts his head and waits for my answer.

“I don’t think I’m your type.”

“Ok, this is going to be good.  Go ahead and tell me what my type is.”

He’s still grinning at me.  “I would bet that your last two girlfriends were blond and big breasted.”  His eye brows go up in question.

“You got something against blond and big breasted?  And good guess, but I’m not confirming or denying it.”  He leans back to stand up.  He looks me up and down this time.  “However, I’m finding out all of the sudden though that I like them dark haired and sassy.”

My heart rate suddenly spikes and I wonder if he can hear the loud thumping.  Any other guy with his looks and I would be trying to take him home for the night.  Conceited ass or not, but something in me tells me Kane is different.  One night wouldn’t be enough for either of us.  Where did that thought come from?  I need to get out of here.

“Um, can you please tell Jill I had to run,” I say as I stand and grab my bag.   I take a five dollar bill out of my purse and lay it on the bar.  Geez, my freaking hand was shaking.  Glancing one more time into his eyes I notice he looks confused.  I gather not many girls brush him off.

“Hey, don’t leave.  I’m not actually working tonight and was just going to hang out and play some pool.  Why don’t you stay a little while longer and you can tell me all about my type and I can find out the truth about candy?”

His question really throws me off.  I look at him and he still has that look on his face like he’s trying to figure me out.

“Sorry I’ve got places to be.  Nice meeting you,” I say and turn to flee out of the bar.  My escape would have been okay if I had seen the stool that was standing in front of me, however, I trip over the bottom rung and the seat catches me mid stomach.  My breath whooshes out and I fall to my knees.  I think he actually jumped over the bar to get to me.

“Are you okay?”  He asked as he leans down and places his arm on my back.  His touch makes my breathing much more shallow and I glance into his face when I hear the quick intake of his.  My eyes go to his plump bottom lip just inches from mine.  Staring at them as they move.  He is asking again if I am okay.  Holy shit, am I okay?  I shake my head no at first, but then I remember to answer him.

“Yes.”  It was a whisper, but I know he heard me.  His eyes flew to my lips and I couldn’t help pulling in my bottom lip and sucking on it.  I’m pretty sure he groaned.  The sound startles me and I jump up.  It breaks his touch from mine.  His eyes look dazed and confused and I jumped at my chance to start walking away, thanking God he didn’t follow.

My thoughts were scattered all the way home.  I had never felt that pull with anyone else.  Not even with JT.  Just the thought of him made my cheeks flush.  Dear Jesus, he was hot as Hades.  He has the longest black eye lashes that go with those pretty eyes.  Since JT, I really don’t do relationships.  Well other than Rhye, but that was totally different.

Most people at school think that I have become a slut, but I’m not.  I’m very selective which is why I have Jill helping me.  Plus it is not every night and not even close to every month.  It’s just when I have that need and to clarify it’s not a need to have sex.  It’s more of a need to have control.  To control who I give my body to.  I subscribe to the whole love them and leave them philosophy.  That’s more my style and I really do not like these feelings I am having about Kane.  It already feels like more and I’ve only known him for about five seconds.  I want to stop thinking about the stupid conceited jackass.

My phone was buzzing when I pulled into my drive way signaling that I had a text.  I quickly noticed that it was from Jill.

Jill - He wants your  #.  BAD. Do you want me to give it to him?  He’s asking 20 million ?’s. Not sure what you want me to say.

I decide to ignore her, because my mind is spinning and my day just keeps getting better because as I open my car door a black 4x4 truck pulls in behind me.  Cal practically jumps out before his truck even comes to a complete stop.

“Jay, I’m really sorry about today.  I left football practice early because I was worried you were mad at me.  I shouldn’t have said what I did.” Cal looked upset and he kept talking as he walked right up to me.  “I know whatever shit made you like you are, is none of my business.  I’ve just been really worried about you and I can’t explain it, but I wanted to come and talk to you tonight.”

He actually looked sick.  What is it about this guy that I couldn’t stay mad at him?

“Listen Cal, we are good.”  I put my hands up because he looked like he was going to hug me.  “But for the future, stay out of my business and we’ll be fine”.  I look toward my dark empty house and realize that I didn’t want to be alone right now.  “Want to come in and have dinner with me?”  Cal’s face lights up.

“Have I ever turned you down when you offered me food?  I would even eat that nasty cafeteria spaghetti in fourth grade because I didn’t want you to get in trouble for not eating your lunch.”

“I never knew that.  I thought you either really loved that stuff or you were starving.”

“No way Jay, that shit was nasty.  I would only eat it for you,” he says and grins at me, I can’t help but smile back.

Chapter 2

The sun was starting to set as Cal and I walked into the house and straight through to the kitchen.  My parents and I live in an upper middle class neighborhood.  It wasn’t gated, but it was a golf community.  Our house is a two story monstrosity that over looks a golf-hole and large pond with the kitchen looking like it is straight out of a high end restaurant.  Not that I ever cook anything.  We have a lady comes in twice a week to clean and she usually cooks and freezes dinners for the week.  I set my iPhone in the dock and turn on some music while I pull out a pan of lasagna to unthaw in the microwave.  The acoustic version of Scream by Chris Cornell fills the quiet.  Cal stood behind me.

“What can I do to help you with dinner, Jay?”

“Thanks Cal, but I’ve got it.  Just have a seat on one of the bar stools.”  He plopped down on a seat.

“So, where did you go after school,” Cal asked?  Ignoring him at first, I grabbed the lettuce and salad dressing from the fridge and laid them on the counter.  Finally looking at him I wanted to tell him that it was none of his business, but I was tired of being snappy to him.  I’ve had my limit today.

“Well, I’ve gotten to be friends with one of the bartenders at O’Malley’s so I went to talk with her.”

Cal looked at me and said, “I had heard that you were hanging out there a lot.”

“Yeah, you and everyone else,” I snapped.  He seemed hurt by my attitude.  Saved by the bell of the microwave I took the lasagna out.  I figured we would just eat at the counter and handed Cal a plate and silverware.

“Soda okay?”  I ask and grab a can from the refrigerator.

“Actually do you have any milk?”

“Sure,” I reply and pour him a glass.  We both eat pretty much in silence for a while.  Even though I had wanted company, I kept thinking about Kane.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Cal said.

I’m not sure why, but all the sudden I begin talking about meeting Kane.

“So was it love at first sight?”  Cal’s question throws me off.

“I don’t know that I believe in that, however, I do believe in lust at first sight.  I would definitely say there was some serious lusting going on,” I say laughingly.

Cal must have choked on his food when I said that.  After a couple of minutes of coughing he finally looks at me and said, “Not sure what to say to that Jay.”  His face was flushed and he took a large drink of his milk.

When I look up at him I notice he has a milk mustache.  I caught his eye between bites of food and winked saying, “Milk does a body good, huh.”  His expression was priceless and his face turned beet red.  Geez, does he think I’m hitting on him?  I laugh.

“Cal, you have a milk mustache.”  He grabs his napkin and wipes his mouth while he laughs for a second.

“For a moment there I thought I was going to have to fight you off girl.  I didn’t know if all this lust talk was getting to you.”  We smile at each other and continue eating.  “Not that I would fight you off you know.”  He wagged his eyebrows at me and we both laugh.

When we finished, I begin putting the food away and finally Cal spoke again.

“So, were good huh?”  He stood and grabbed our plates to put them in the dishwasher.  Leaning against the counter he crosses his arms and looks at me.

The overhead light shines on his surfer blond hair and his face still has that baby look to it.  I moved to stand across from him as he clears his throat.

“I just want to say one more thing before I leave.  You know that a lot of people miss you.  Miss seeing that smiling face every morning and not just students.  I know that several of the football coaches even have mentioned they missed seeing you on the sidelines.  During football season, even when we lost a game, you kept everyone’s spirits up. You were there all the way up until our junior year.  I never played one football game, even little league, that you weren’t on the sidelines.  Hell, even Coach Branch last year told us all to keep an eye on you.  You just don’t know,” Cal stops talking as I glare at him.

“What do you mean Coach Branch told you to keep an eye on me?”

Cal looked at me and continued, “He just asked the linemen to keep an eye on you last year.  He said he noticed that you were having a hard time.  You know how he cares about his students. Coach B and his wife had twins this summer and he still took his own time to help us seniors get ready for the college scouts.  He just cares what happens to all of us.  There are guys on the football and baseball team that wouldn’t be going to college if it weren’t for him helping them to get scholarships.”

“Well, that is nice, but I don’t need anyone looking out for me.  Please make sure you tell all of the guys that I said that,” I replied heavy with sarcasm.  “Look Cal, it’s getting late.  I’m okay, really.  I just don’t need everyone up in my business.”  I smile and start to walk out of the kitchen to the front door letting him silently know that this conversation and dinner were over.

Cal stops as he walks out through the front door and turns back around.  “I’m always going to be here.  Just know that okay?  Thanks for dinner.”  He leans in and kisses my cheek and turns to leave.

Closing the door as he leaves I hear my phone vibrating.  It had done that all through dinner and since it had been a long day I decide to continue to ignore my messages.  I turn the house alarm on and walk upstairs.  It was still pretty early, but I showered and then fell asleep on my bed.

Opening my eyes I glance around me.  I was sitting in a room with four walls and no doors.  All the walls were white and scratched to hell.  White metal chairs lined the walls and in all the chairs sat women of different ages, sizes and color.  We all had on white hospital gowns and our protruding bellies were grotesquely round.  Almost as if we swallowed a basketball.  The women all had empty black sockets where their eyes should be.  Their lips were sewn shut with what looked like twine.

I heard a metal chair screech as someone plopped down next to me.  Knowing who I would see as I turn my head, I look at him.  He is always so beautiful.  Wavy black ink hair and the darkest eyes I have ever seen with thick black lashes.  He has high cheekbones and a square jaw.  His body is trim and he is dressed to the nines in what I would guess is an Armani suit.  He’s always bare foot, but even his feet are beautiful.

Smiling at me he props his arm across the back of my seat and his voice, when he spoke, is deep, “Yea, they sacrificed their sons and daughter unto devils, And shed innocent blood, even the blood of their sons and of their daughters, whom they sacrificed unto the idols of Canann; and the land was polluted with blood.  Thus were they defiled with their own works, and went a whoring with their own inventions. Pretty much sums it up doesn’t it Babe?”  I stare back at him.

Satan wasn’t ugly.  I had always been taught in church that he was the most beautiful Angel and even in my dreams I realized this.  The women started humming what sounded like a lullaby.  Their distorted stomachs moving with little hands stretching from the inside of their bellies.  I felt his hand start to touch my stomach and I grab it to push him away.  He looks down at me and says, “Why James, I just want to feel our baby.  See how he reaches for his Daddy?”  I look down and a little hand was pushing up from the inside of my stomach and I start to scream.

I wake with my scream vibrating off the wall.  Damn, I hadn’t had a nightmare in months.  Damn, damn, damn.  I lay back down. Normally I don’t dream again once I wake up.  My thoughts didn’t slow down for quite awhile, but finally I drift back to sleep.

The next morning I stood drinking coffee in the kitchen when I remembered all the text from the day before.  I grab my phone to check them.  Mostly all of them were from Jill except the last one.  It was from a number I didn’t recognize, which I assumed after reading the text that it was Kane’s.

Jill – Can you please let me know what to do with HIM????  He wants your number.

Jill – What did you do to this guy?  He will not leave me alone.

Jill – CALL ME

569-423-1277 - You can’t run. Meet me at O’Malley’s tom night at 9.  Were u going to tell me that candy rots your teeth??  Is that what they say about candy???  J

I actually laugh at his text.  God he’s such a jackass, but he’s a hot one.  I program his number in my phone and reach for my keys on the counter and hurry to school.  Running late, I pull into the parking lot and hurry inside.

The warning bell rings just as I walk into the school.  Not looking where I’m going I run right into Rhye.  He grabs my waist and pulls me toward him.

“Slow down Jay.  You don’t want to get hurt.”  One dark eye winks at me and his jet black hair falls across one eye.

“Really Rhye?  Get your hands off of me.”  I turn out of his grasp and walk away.  I hear his parting reply.

“I like when you play hard to get.  It only makes me want you more.”

I didn’t even glance back and choose to ignore him.

The morning passed and lunch period arrived.  I needed to run out to my car and get my phone because I had left it charging this morning.  As I walk out of the school doors, Coach Branch was walking in.  He had been the offensive line coach and head baseball coach since I was a freshman.  Back then he was just out of college.  He was loved at our school and thought of as a hero because our offensive linemen rated at the top in the State and we had won the State Championship in baseball for our division every year since he started.  Needless to say our little community thought he walked on water.  Plus all the girls loved him and considered him a cutie.  He had thick brown wavy hair and brown eyes that stood out with a baby face.  He was pretty short and stocky for a guy.  His southern accent was thick at times.  I had heard his wife was his college girlfriend and had met her several times at school functions in the past.  She was gorgeous and had seemed nice at the time.

“Well Miss Stevenson, where are you headed,” he asked?  I was stunned for a moment.  He started to smile and say something else when Miss Kell my Art teacher also walked in behind him.  Coach Branch looked at her and shook his head as if he was nodding her to walk by us.  Miss Kell stopped and looked between us and finally at me.

“James are you okay?  You look like you don’t feel good.”

My eyes shift between them both.

“Um, I left something in my car and was going to get it, but actually I don’t need it.”

I turn swiftly around and almost sprint down the hallway.  Running into the girls bathroom I barely make it to the toilet before I start dry heaving.  Ten minutes later I wash my mouth out with some water and head for my next class.

Art was my fifth period class and Miss Kell asked me again if I was okay and I just nod assuring her I was.  This was the class that I have with Molly and Reed.  We all used to spend a lot of our time drawing when we were little.  In fact I’m pretty sure that Reed got into some fancy art school up north.  I knew Molly was headed to the University of Georgia.

We received our assignment and I started painting a stormy beach scene.  After a while I notice Molly and Reed laughing and joking with each other.  Molly was smiling at something he had painted.  At that moment she looks up and sees me staring at her and suddenly looks down at her painting frowning. Reed grabbed her hand and whispered something in her ear and then he looked up at me.  Raising my brush, I started painting again.  I had already let them go, but it never got any easier.  Every day was a reminder.  Finally the bell rings for the end of class.

My last period was gym and I rush into the locker room to change into my shorts and a tee.  We were working out today with Coach Sanders the head football coach.  The school has a huge weight lifting and workout room.  I was just going to do some light weight lifting for toning because I like keeping my body in shape and making the most of my strength.  In the corner, the guys were seeing who could bench the most and the girls were inflating their already oversized egos by standing around them and cheering.

I had just lifted a dumbbell behind my head to work my triceps when I felt someone pulling down on the weight behind me.  Looking forward into the mirror in front of me I notice JT standing there.

“Did you just see me bench 325?”

JT had on athletic shorts and a ripped t-shirt.  He has grown so much these past two years.  When did this boy become a man?   I didn’t turn around and kept staring in the mirror attempting to finish my set.

“I figured you had enough fans,” I huffed out.  He narrowed his eyes.  I did not push him away for the last couple of years to go back there again.  “Go away JT before your girlfriend gets mad.”  I just wanted him to walk away, but I haven’t been that lucky lately.

“So I heard that you cooked for Cal last night.  Are you screwing my best friend now?”

I brought the weight back over my head and to my chest.  Turning to glare at him as I said, “What the hell JT?  Is that what Cal said?”  I pretty much knew Cal would never say that, but I had to ask.

“No, Cal didn’t say anything.  I just heard that he told a couple of the guys that he had dinner at your house last night.”  He lowered his voice almost to a whisper and said, “I just can’t stand the thought okay.  Not Cal, not anybody.  I need to talk with you.  I think we can work things out.  Jay, I just need.”

I jumped and dropped the weight on his toe before he could finish his sentence.

“Fuck!” He yelled and everyone turned and stared.  I took off for the locker room and hurried to put my clothes on finishing getting dressed right as the bell rung.

I sprinted out to the parking lot before anyone else could just happen to run into me.  Of course another message was on my car so I yanked it off my windshield and threw it to the ground.  My eyes look up and I watch JT hauling ass across the parking lot.  I hurried and got in my car and left, looking in the rear view mirror to see him standing in the middle of the parking lot.  My life sucks.

At home, I showered first and finally checked to see if I had any text messages.

Rhye - call me…band playing tonite at 10 at the Vortex want u there

I deleted it immediately and read the other ones.

Jill - Call me.  What happened with Kane?

MOM – Dad and I are flying back from Cali tomorrow.  Let me know if you need anything.  Love ya.

Cal – Everything okay with you and JT???

I decided to call Jill back right then.  She picked up on the first ring and before I could even say anything she started talking.

“I am so sorry Jay.  He grabbed my phone and just got your number.  Damn, Baby Girl, what did you do to him?  I swear both of your eyes couldn’t take in each other fast enough and there was so much electricity that my hair stood on end. Then all of a sudden you’re gone and he’s asking me a million and one questions, but I swear I didn’t tell him anything.  I kept saying that I would talk with you first, but when you didn’t text me back immediately he made me start calling and when I still didn’t hear from you he just took my phone.”

“It’s okay Jill.  He sent me a text about meeting him there tonight.  Look you know how much I hang out at the bar and I think a one night stand with him could make things difficult with him being an employee.”

“No offense Jay, but the vibes I had from you both didn’t feel like one night stand vibes.  I’m not saying that you shouldn’t totally throw caution to the wind and jump into bed with him, but I’m not sure that is all it is.  Jay, I get you situation.  You are young and believe me, if I knew in my own youth what I know now I would have been a serious player.  You don’t want anything serious, but I’m not sure that what I saw and felt yesterday will go away for either of you.”

I groaned into the phone, “I know Jill, that’s why I am not going to meet him tonight.  Please don’t say anything though.  I’m hoping he’ll get the hint.  I don’t think he will take no for an answer.”

Jill laughed and I’m pretty sure she murmured, “Good luck with that.”  I told her I would see her sometime next week and we hung up.

Around seven o’clock I started thinking about Kane.  I’m not kidding myself and knew that if I didn’t show up he would probably have a bimbo in the wings waiting.  Not ever being the type to wait around on a guy myself, I decided to get dressed and head downtown.  I slip on a pair of tight jeans and a black sexy off the shoulder shirt.  The shiny black heels that I bought last week complete my look.  I brush out my hair and spray some perfume.

The drive took a little longer because of traffic.  When I left I wasn’t exactly sure where I was going.  I didn’t want to go to O’Malley’s because that is where Kane would be and Rhye would be at Vortex.  There were several more bars downtown, but those two were my favorites.  I decided on Vortex and I didn’t want to think too hard on why.

I found a parking space at Vortex and flipped my ID to the bouncer outside.  He stamped my hand with an “over 21” stamp.  The bar used to be an old warehouse that was converted to a large room.  The stage is on one side and the bar on the other.  In between are tables and booths and a small dance floor in front of the stage. Until the band goes on they have rock music playing overhead.

Since it was eight o’clock it was still early, Rhye’s band, “The Mavs”, wouldn’t go on until ten.  For now, I knew that the band would be in the corner hanging out in their booth.  The guys in the band are older than Rhye and me, but I had gotten to know them when I dated him before.  When I walked in I see a good number of people already hanging out.

Walking directly to the bar I did not look to see if Rhye was around.  The bartender was a different girl who I didn’t know.  She looked at my hand stamp to verify my age.

“What can I get you to drink?”

“Vodka and cranberry juice please.”

She fixes my drink and I hand over money for the cocktail plus a great tip.  My mouth puckers as I take a sip of the stout drink.

“Thanks,” I say and turn around.  A couple of cute guys were checking me out, but all I could think about were vibrant green eyes and that tattoo on the side of Kane’s neck.  I should have read it, because now it’s driving me crazy just thinking about it.  The stool next to me was pushed back as someone steps up next to me at the bar.

“Well, well if it isn’t Jay.”

I turn to that voice that still makes my body come alive.  Rhye was smiling at me.  His eyes were a little glassy, but I could tell he was still lucid.  He looks over my body and his gaze lingers on my breast a little longer than the rest.

“I’m just here for the music Rhye.  Not to be your fuck buddy.”  I take a sip of my drink and glance at the people starting to move on the dance floor.  Flyleaf’s “Something I Can Never Have”, starts to play.    He grabs my drink and sets it back on the bar so he can reach for my hand.

“Come dance with me Jay?”  His question caught me off guard.  Rhye never liked to dance unless he was totally out of it.

“I didn’t think you danced?”  I was curious as to what his answer would be, but he didn’t say anything.

He pulled me to the dance floor and straight into his arms, moving his body fluidly against mine.  I’m stunned for a second, because he has learned a few moves since we were last together.  My hips rock against his and I follow his lead letting the music take over.  He sings the song gently in my ear and I close my eyes praying my knees will not give out.

Towards the end of the song, warm lips touch my shoulder.  The first song turns into the second and it was a slower rock ballad.  I was already lost in dancing with him.  This is what he always offered me, a chance to forget everything.   Both of his hands move down my body and grip my hips.

“Tell me what it will take Jay?”  His voice whispers in my ear.  “I want you.”  His lips rub back and forth against my neck.

I raise my face and his dark eyes bore into mine.  We stop moving and I shake my head at him.  This was a mistake.  Rhye must have guessed that I was going to pull away because in that moment he captured my mouth with his.  His lips were hard against me and he nipped at my upper lip when I didn’t open up.  I jerk away from him.

“Damn it Rhye,” I shout at him and break away from his grip so I can walk away.  Heading straight to the bar, I order a beer.  When I turn back around he is gone.  I glance in the direction of his booth and see he is sitting with the band, staring at me.  He knows if he pushes me, I will leave and for some reason he wants me to stay to hear him sing.

At about fifteen after nine my phone buzzed with a text.

Kane - Where R U

Ignoring it, I slip my phone back into my jeans pocket and take a drink of my beer.

The next hour passes pretty quickly.  Rhye never tries to talk to me anymore.  A couple of the guys in the band did walk over to say, “Hi,” but that was it.  The bar started to fill up the closer it was time for the guys to go onstage.

When Rhye walked out on the stage everyone went crazy.  He has so much charisma that it really did light the stage up.  He waved his arms downward to try and silence the crowd.

“Hey Guys.  Glad you all could join us at the V tonight.  You want to hear us play some music?”  The crowd screams for them.  The first two songs must have been new because I didn’t recognize them.  Right before he started the second one he hushed the crowd.

“Okay this next one I wrote about a girl that I can’t get out of my mind.  I know you guys know what I’m talking about.”  I swore he said it directly to me as he looked across the crowd.

The guitar started playing a slow melody and his first words stunned me.  Rhye closed his eyes and begins singing.

“Her eyes haunt me when I close mine

I can’t imagine what secrets they hold

But if she’ll give me just one moment

I will remove all that pain from her soul.

I was careless when I held her

If I could do it all just once more

I won’t make the same mistake

And let her walk out the door.

So it’s your voice that I hear

And it’s all in my head

And it’s your pain that I feel

But you’re not here instead

I want to take it all away

Take it all away

Take it all away”

I didn’t stay to hear him finish, I just walked out of the bar.  He was talking about me and I knew it.  How dare he write that song.  I don’t want a song about me.  Angrily I walk to my car and drove home.  He cheated on me the rat bastard.  How could he?

By the time I arrive home it was about eleven o’clock.  I was too wound up to sleep so I decide to watch a chick flick.  Something with Channing Tatum so I coulc forget all the in-real-life eye candy I have to deal with.  I threw on my Juicy sweat pants and tank top.  Nights like this, when I really need someone to talk to, I really miss Molly and Reed.  I almost pick up the phone and call Molly, but I’m pretty sure she would just hang up on me.

Several minutes into the movie I decide to run down to the kitchen to get a drink when I hear the sound of a motorcycle.  Mr. Mounts our next door neighbor must be going through one of his Harley phases again.  A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings.  It’s almost eleven thirty and I’m not sure who would be coming by this late.

Our front door is all beveled glass except for the center circular window which is clear.  As I walk to open it I notice Kane looking at me.  He was wearing a black leather jacket and he looks pretty pissed.  I turn the alarm off and open the door.  Leaning against the frame not allowing him to enter, I cross my arms.  He doesn’t say anything at first just stares at my face and then slowly he sweeps his gaze downward.  My body lights up like a circuit board.  God, I just ache looking at him.  I’m instantly swamped with need and I notice his nose flare out.  It seems like I’m not the only one affected.

“It’s late and I’d love to know how you found out where I live?”

“I asked some of the regulars at the bar if they knew you,” he said in that sexy scratchy voice of his.  “Some guy named Kip knew exactly where you lived.  Do you want to tell me how he knew that, because I didn’t give him time to elaborate?”  His tone didn’t sound happy.  I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I used to date his brother.”

Kane lowers his eyes and just shakes his head.  He raises them once again towards me and asks, “Are your parents’ home?”  I have no idea why I did not lie because I really do not know him, but I shook my head no.  Looking up into his eyes, he steps up to me, “Why didn’t you come meet me tonight?”

“Yesterday was just too intense for me.  Right now is almost too intense for me.  I really don’t want to deal with whatever this is right at this moment.”

I hear him chuckle and I feel it all the way down to my toes.

“I love an honest woman.  Hell Jay, you think I want this right now?  You have no clue where I’m coming from.  I’m trying to build a company with my brother down here and working two jobs.  I barely have a moment to breathe. It’s crazy because I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell I am doing in my life when suddenly, I spot this girl who in an instant makes me laugh and I haven’t done that in a long time.  I’m not looking for anything serious, but I couldn’t concentrate last night or today wondering what would happen when I saw you next.  I dreamed of you all night long and I woke up needing to see you.  If I would have known where you lived I would have been here this morning.”

He lifts his arms and cradles my face with both of his strong hands.  I close my eyes and let his voice pour over me.  “I’ve never burned for a woman before and all night I burned for you.”  A full tremor shook my body.  I didn’t have to open my eyes to know that he felt it.  “Look at me Jay, if I could walk away I would.  I need to walk away, but I can’t.  Nothing in this world could make me.  Shit, it’s only been twenty-four hours since we met.  This is crazy. You don’t know me, but I know you feel this.”  His eyes plead with mine.

I’ve lied to everyone these last two years.  I’ve lied to lifelong friends and to my family, but as much as I know that I needed to lie to this man and back away from him, I just couldn’t.  I grab the back of his head and pull his lips to mine and in that instant we both went up in flames.  I actually swore I heard him growl. Our hands were everywhere and he kisses me as he walks me in the door and shuts it behind us.  He backs me up to the round table in the middle of the hall and lifts me up to sit on it.  Not once did his lips leave mine.  He kisses a trail from my ear to my neck while I rub my hands up and down his back and then to the front so I can unzip his jacket.

Kane removes it and I push my hands underneath his shirt to feel his skin.  Sucking in air he moans and I pull his shirt up and off.  God his chest was beautifully ripped.  Grazing my fingers across his nipples, his head falls back and I immediately start kissing his neck.  He is so yummy, tasting salty and sweet as I lick from one side to the other.  Yanking my tank top over my head he stares at my breasts.

He glances up from my chest into my eyes with a look of appreciation on his face.  He kisses my mouth with a chaste kiss and repeats that kiss to each nipple.  Now it was my turn to moan as he then feasted on each one.  Slowly he pushes me down with my back on the table and he follows on top of me.  Kissing me like there was no tomorrow.  I was rubbing my hips with his and my body was strung so tight.  Our bodies were so in tune to each other and he sensed what I needed and ground his hips hard into the vee of mine and I shattered.  He did that a couple of more times and I felt his body shudder as he moaned then rested all of his weight on top of me.

I’m not sure how much longer we lay like that. It took a couple of minutes for our breathing to slow down.  His body was still on top of mine and as far as I was concerned, I never had to breathe again because I loved his weight on me.  His head lay right on my chest and his hand rubbed circles on my stomach.  I looked down and he looked up at me.

“I haven’t done that since I was a teenager,” he said and laughed.  “I think I would have went down in flames had I actually been inside of you.”

Oh my God, my body lit up again at his words.  He finally climbed off the table and grabbed my hand to pull me up.

“Baby, where is the nearest bathroom?”

Pointing him to it I just sat there grabbing my tank top off the table and slowly put it back on. My head lowered into my hands and everything that just happened crashed over me.  What the hell am I doing?

I hop off the table at the same time he walks out of the bathroom.  Grabbing his shirt off the floor I slung it at him. Embarrassed, I couldn’t look him in the eyes knowing I just made out with him like that.  I can handle one night stands but this was different.  He was different.

“Um, you have to go.  Like right now.  I have school in the morning.”

I notice him smile as he slides his t-shirt on.

“What time is your first class?  I could meet you for lunch.”

What the hell was he talking about?  I snapped at him, “The same time it starts every morning and we can’t leave campus for lunch.”

At that moment I seen him flinch and his eyes got a little bigger.

”Aren’t you at the University?”

Looking at him I roll my eyes.  “No I’m a senior at Jackson Heights High School.”  Oh no.  I watch him step back and his face looks a little green.

“How old are you Jay and please don’t lie.”

Okay that last part pissed me off, I’d been more honest with him tonight then with anyone else in the last two years. My lips snarled as I said, “You weren’t too worried about that when your mouth was all over me a minute ago.”  I hated to sound crass, but damn, now I was hurt and pissed.  “You need to go,” I almost shouted at him.  He grabs me around the waist and pulls me to him.

“Look I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings, but this is important.  Almost everyone I talked to tonight trying to get info on you said how you hung out at the bar.  I know your friends with Jill.  I just assumed you were at least twenty-one.  My bad, but God Jay, this is so important.  I don’t want to go to jail if you’re a minor.”

Looking at him I asked sarcastically, “So If I told you I was under eighteen you would just leave?  No matter what your feelings, you would what, walk away?”  I had to ask, “Even if I begged you to take me upstairs right this minute?”  He looked in pain for about a second, but then glanced into my eyes.

“Yes Jay, I would walk away.”  He rubbed his hand over his head and said, “God I would hate every single minute, but yeah, I couldn’t be that type of guy.”  I knew he meant it.  With a huge sigh I looked at him.

“I turned eighteen last July.  My parents held me back a year so that I could go to school with their friends’ kids. I have a fake ID that helps me drink when I need to.”  He looked a little relieved.

“But you’re still in high school huh?”

“Yes Kane, is that a deal breaker for us?”

He smirked, “It should be, but thank God you’re at least legal and right now that is good enough for me.”  He leans down to kiss me, but I pull my mouth back.

“Kane, we need to slow down just a little.  We don’t know each other at all and I must seem like a super slut to you after knowing you what, maybe a day.”  I bowed my head into my hands and continued, “If you want only one night and that’s it then we can go upstairs, but if you really want more, then I need to slow everything down.  I need to think about this.”

“I get that.  I’m not looking for anything serious Jay, but the thought of not seeing you again, honestly, it’s not sitting well with me.  How about I take you to dinner tomorrow?  I’ll pick you up around seven?”

“Yeah”, I replied.  He leaned to kiss me again and I turned my cheek.  “Kane, I’m not that strong.  If you kiss me I’m not sure I can let you leave,” my eyes plead with his.  He shook his head and followed me as I walked to the door.  Nothing else was said.  Nothing had to be.  After he left I climbed the stairs and went straight to bed.

I opened my eyes to the bright light again.  My body is so cold from laying on what seems to be a steel table. My arms and legs are so heavy and I can’t seem to move them.  A man’s voice is coming from the end of the table discussing about what golf course he plans to play this weekend.  Suddenly, the bright light above me is blocked and my beautiful dark angel leans down to me.  His lips are inches from mine.

“Are you comfy my love?”  He gently kisses my lips, “Your being such a good girl.  Just lay there my beautiful whore.”  A sob is retched from my body and tears trickle down the side of my face.  “Hush no tears,” he whispers, “Your just taking one more step closer to be with me,” his tongue sweeps out of his mouth and it’s black and forked like a snake. I can feel it as it traces my lips, trying to invade my mouth.

I wake up screaming sobbing into my pillow.  It is hours before I finally fall back asleep.

Chapter 3

Waking up before my alarm clock goes off I decide to get an early start.  I didn’t think much about my situation with Kane last night before bed.  Honestly, I can’t think about it right now either.  One day at a time is all I can do and I need to get through another day of school.  The home phone rings and I rush to answer it knowing it’s one of my parents.

“James, I just wanted to check on you sweetie.” It’s my Dad.

“Hey Dad, I’m fine.  Everything is good here.”  The lies roll off my tongue.

“Good.  Your mother and I both might be another week getting home.  We are taking some time for a little vacation.  I just wanted to see if you needed anything.”

“That’s fine Dad, I am so busy with school anyways.”

“Great James, we’ll call later this week.”

At last there is silence as he ends the call the same way he ends all of his phone calls.

“Love you too,“ I tell dead air.

Rushing to get dressed, I decide on my regular school attire with a white denim skirt, light pink tee and matching converse shoes.  Looking at my hair in the mirror I use my big barrel curling iron to style it.  It turns out super cute.  Mentally I know I’m dressing thinking about Kane, and a thread of excitement runs through me.  I have chosen for the past two years not to have any long term commitments.  For the first time in a long time, I’m thinking about letting someone close and it scares the hell out of me, but I am starved to hold someone for longer than an hour.

With my ear buds in, jamming to my music, I go to get into my car to head to school.  When I open the car door, I happen to look up and finally notice the motorcycle parked behind me.  The sexiest man is still sitting on it.  Just looking at him I feel a peace that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I know in that instant that maybe I don’t know him, but it feels like my soul has known his forever.  Does it really matter that we don’t know everything about each other?  The truth is that evil can reside in anyone and most of the time, it is in those we least expect it.  Those we are closest to.  Staring at Kane, I think to myself the hell with it.  I’m going to live my life for me now.

We are both drawn to each other.  Ripping the music from my ears, I toss my book bag into my car and put a little extra swing in my hips as I walk towards him.  He smiles at me and slides off his bike.  I don’t hesitate, once I reach him, I jump up and wrap my long legs around his waist.

“Miss me,” I ask?

“All night,” he says as he kisses me like a starving man.  He tastes like orange juice and I could have kissed him all day. I finally broke away.

“I’m going to be late.”  I went to put my legs down and he grabs my legs tighter around him.

“One more for the road,” he whispers.  “Get me through the day.”  His lips are so soft and I swear his tongue is so smooth.  We kiss like it’s our last and we both moan.  I finally pull away and this time he lets me go.

“I can’t believe you’re here.  I wanted to see you this morning.”  My eyes grow wide because I cannot believe I just said that out loud.   He grabs both of my hands and looks into my eyes.

“Jay, you can’t say that to me and expect me to let you walk away.”

“Don’t leave then.  Let’s go inside and I’ll play hooky for the day.  I want to be with you.”  I see how much he wants me.

“Jay, there is nothing I want more, but I have to work.  My brother would kill me if I didn’t show up.  He’s going to be pissed that I’m late.  It’s a big job and huge for our business.”

I could tell he was torn about it so I put the tip of my finger to his mouth.

“It’s okay.  Really, I just wanted you to know how I felt.”

“God Girl, you’re going to kill me.”  He said as he tugged me to him and kissed me once more.

I was late to first period, but well, it was worth it.  Once I was seated I looked up and Cal was staring at me.  He just smiled at me and leaned closer.

“Wow, there’s the girl I used to know.  I haven’t seen you smile like that in years.  Whatever it is, keep doing it every morning.  Let me know if you need any help making you smile.”

The fool actually wiggled his eyebrows at me.  I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at him. The silence was the first thing I realized before I looked around and noticed the whole class staring including Mrs. Davis.  Geez, these people need to get a life.  Mrs. Davis started talking again to the class and Cal leaned close again.

“I need to talk with you after class,” he said.  I nodded and turned toward the board.

I forgot about talking to Cal when he was held up by some of the football players after class. Rhye glared at me all second period like he was pissed, but at least he left me alone.  By my third period I realized that something was definitely up and I kept getting the feeling that I was also the center of it.  I finally caught up to Cal at the beginning of lunch.

“Do you know what is up with everyone?”  Cal hung his head down and before he got his chance to talk, I heard a high pitch scream.

“You Bitch, how dare you he’s mine.”  I turn just in time to see Cal grab Stacie and pull her back.  “You can’t have him back.”  Coach Sanders grabs her from Cal and proceeds to lug her to the front office.

“What the hell Cal?  What is she talking about,” I yelled.

His cheeks redden and he said, “Listen, I tried to tell you this morning.  JT broke up with Stacie last night and told her it was because you two were getting back together.  Everyone was hanging out last night and of course it was a super public break up.  So pretty much JT told the whole school you both were back together.  Then you come in smiling this morning and well, you can guess what everyone thought.”

Speak of the devil, at that moment he walks into the cafeteria.  Marching straight up to JT, I said harshly, “We need to talk,” and turn around hoping he follows me.  I didn’t want to have this conversation anywhere near school so I walk to my car and unlock both doors and sit down on the driver’s side.  JT sits down on the passenger side.

“What the hell JT?”

He turns toward me holding both his hands up, “Just listen to me for a second, okay?  I deserve for you to hear me out.  When I talked to you the other day, I could see in your eyes that you still loved me.  I don’t care what happened in the past, I just know that I need you in my future.  The past two years have been the most miserable years of my existence.  You left me and God Jay I was broken.  I thought I could drink the pain away and I tried to replace you.  I loved that everyone else started to hate you too.  Lately I’m starting to realize that this whole time, I haven’t been moving on, but been waiting for you to come back to me.  I know now I can’t live without you.”  His voice breaks and tears roll down his face.

Hearing his words killed me.  I have loved this boy for most of my life.  Pulling JT into a hug, I let us both cry for what was and what I knew could never be again.

Lifting my head I say, “JT, I’m not that same girl you once loved.”  He tries to interrupt me, but I continue, “I heard you out so now it’s my turn.  I’ll always love you, but right now I can’t be with you.”

He grabs both of my arms and wouldn’t let go, “Just tell me why?  I deserve to know what took you from me.” I shake my head no.

“Damn you,” he said.  “Just tell me the truth, was there someone that you cheated on me with?  I need to know Jay, don’t you dare lie to me.”

I look into his red rimmed eyes and whisper, “No JT, I would never have cheated on you.  There was no one I loved more than you.”

At that point he tried to pull me to him and at the same time his door was jerked open and Coach Branch leaned in, “Problem here guys?”  He notices JT’s hands on me and glares at him, “Higgins maybe you need to head to class son.”

I jump out of the car before JT has time to get out of the car and head for the doors.  Coach Branch calls for me, but I do not listen.  I only turn back for a second when I reach the doors.  JT was walking beside him and neither were talking.

Running to my locker I grab my books and head for the front office.  My parents had spoken with the school and because of their work schedule I was allowed to check myself out if I didn’t feel well.  I didn’t do it very often because I didn’t want my parents to revoke that status, but today was that day.  Driving home I notice I had missed a text message.

Kane - Hopefully I didn’t make you too late this morn

I wait until I get home and text back.

Me - Not much, was your bro mad?

Kane - He’ll get over it

Me - Can’t wait for tonight!!!  What should I wear?

Kane - Something sexy ;)

Me- I can do that.  See you at 7.

Kane – See U…btw…I know what they say about candy…..and it’s not true

Me - ????????

Kane – That it’s TOO SWEET……

Me – lol…Glad I like sweets then… ;)

Next I needed to text Cal.

Me – Please tell JT that I need some time.  Will NOT be at home, going to a friend’s house for the night.

Cal – I’ll try Jay.   What happened???  Coach B is pissed at him and JT isn’t talking to anyone. Coach B told Coach S that JT was harassing you and to back off.  WTH????

Me – Please help Cal….just keep JT away for now.  I’ll explain later…K??????

JT and I are over.  We can’t go back and I’m not sure we can ever go forward.  He would never let the past go.  He can’t.  After two years why was everything falling apart now?

Leaving my house, I decide to pamper myself so I drive to have a manicure and pedicure.  Since it’s a full spa, I decide to have my hair styled with big curls loosely placed on top of my head thinking Kane would like that.  I arrive home in just enough time to bathe and dress picking a simple black dress.  Well simple in the front, but with a low drop in the back and super short.  I add a killer pair of black heels and my diamond pendent necklace.  Not much make-up, but tons of lip gloss.

Waiting for Kane to arrive, I wonder how indecent this skirt is going to look on the back of a motorcycle.  When the doorbell chimes, I can see him standing through the door and well he is, WOW!  Kane in a leather jacket and tight blue jeans this morning was sexy as hell.  Kane dressed in black dress pants and gray knit shirt was panting dropping hot.

When I open the door he was smiling as he looked me up and down.  Looking deep into my eyes he says, “Damn Jay,” and pulls me to him.  His lips softly caress mine and I feel his tongue tracing my lips.    “God you taste good,” his words are whispered into my mouth.  He runs his hands down both my arms, until they are holding mine. I start to pull him inside and he hesitates.  “Now I’m the one who is not strong enough to come in, and be able to leave for dinner.  C’mon let’s go.”  He smiles at me and those dimples make my knees go weak.

I lean into him and kiss first the right dimple and then the left.  He groans and I smile, “Let me grab my purse.”  Picking it up from the table, I follow him out the door.

Instead of his motorcycle he had driven a silver Chrysler Crossfire.  “I love your motorcycle Kane, but I really love this Crossfire.”  He just smiles and opens the passenger door to help me in.  After he sits down, he turns to me and pulls me as far as he can toward him. His body heat radiates to me and I can almost feel a tangible connection between us.  His green eyes stare into mine.

“Did you know your eyes are like molten silver when you look at me?”

“I was just thinking how yours were like emeralds,” I return.  We were both whispering as I place my hand against his face and caress his cheek.

He grabs me behind my neck and pulls my lips to his.  This kiss went from zero to sixty in seconds.  My body went up in flames and I think I moaned or maybe it was him.  His hands were in my hair and mine were holding his face.  He gently pulls my head back, separating my mouth from his.

“Jay, we are not going to make it to dinner like this.”  I think I whimpered not in pain, but because I wanted to taste his mouth again.  He pulls back a little harder on my hair, “Baby, I want to take you out.”  It was like I was in a haze.  I heard him talking to me, but my body was on fire and I had never felt like this.  After a minute, I tried to pull out of his hold and he let me go.

He pulls out of my drive way and ask me what my parents did for a living.  I told him about them, my childhood, and all the trouble Molly, Reed and I used to get in to.  He talked about growing up and how he and his brother were always super close.  His father died when they were teenagers, but his Mom was still alive and he wanted to move her here. We arrive at a local Italian restaurant and before I know it, we are seated and our order is placed.  I laugh when I notice the waitress checking him out.  I’m sure he gets that everywhere.

“I can’t wait to meet your friends.”

My heart drops with his statement and I look down at the table.  “I’m not close with them anymore.”  After a couple of seconds I look up waiting for him to ask why, but he surprises me and doesn’t.

Compassion fills his eyes and he says, “Must have been painful losing them.”

“Yeah…I don’t like talking about it.”  He nods and begins telling me more about himself.

The rest of dinner we had light banter back and forth.  After they remove our food he ask if I want dessert and I say, “Yes,” and look into his eyes, “You.”

“Babe.”  Just that one word from him with the smile on his face and I’m done.  He finishes paying for dinner and helps me out of my chair.  As we leave I hear my name and turn to look back at a table in the corner.  Coach Branch and his wife were evidently having dinner.

He stands up, “Hey James, you remember James don’t you Lisa,” he said talking to his wife. She just nods her head yes and continues to smile at me.

“How are you James,” she asks?

I look down at her and say, “Fine.”  My answer must have come out sounding short because her smile dims a little.  I turn toward Coach Branch when he speaks.

“Well who do we have here Jay?  Bruce Branch,” he holds his hand out for Kane to shake which Kane did.

“Kane David.”

Coach Branch cut his eyes to me.  “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone James.”

“Sorry, we really need to be leaving.”  Cutting off his question, I grab Kane’s hand and walk out of the restaurant pulling him behind me.

As I was rushing out the door, I let go of Kane’s hand and run right into Rhye as he was coming into the restaurant.  He put both his hands on my arms to keep us steady.

“Whoa, slow down.”  He rubs my arms up and down and he leans into me, “Looks like you are in a hurry Jay.  Escaping from your date here?”  He looked up at Kane behind me and Kane seems pissed.

Pushing out of Rhye’s arms I tell him, “No, but if I was it wouldn’t be to you.”

He laughs and looks at Kane.  “She is fiery as shit and let me tell you it makes for a great lay.”

Kane took a step toward him, but I grab his hand again and pull him toward me away from Rhye.

“Forget you Rhye,” I said as Kane and I walk outside.  We made it to his car before he exploded.

“What the hell Jay?  Want to tell me what just happened back there?  Who was that first guy and his wife and who the hell was that jack-off at the door?”  His face was turning bright red and he was clinching his jaw.

Trying not to hyperventilate I try to slow down my breathing.  Kane was so pissed about Rhye that I don’t think he noticed.

“Damn Jay, when that Branch guy was talking to you I honestly thought you were going to puke on him.  Your face turned solid white.”  He was staring at me waiting for an answer.

My voice broke when I answered him.  “He’s just a coach at my school.”

“Damn, did he fail you in PE or something?”  He laughs at his own joke, but when he notices my face he ask, “What is it Jay?  What is he to you?”

“He is nothing to me,” I said as I turn away from him to open the door.  Kane grabs the door and closes it before I can open it.

“Look at me Jay, who was that other guy?”

“An asshole,” I reply angrily.  He watches me wanting me to say more.  I sigh and say, “He’s just a guy that I unfortunately gave the time of day to once and now wish I hadn’t.  Look I don’t feel good can you please take me home?”  Kane starts to say something else and I look at him and ask, “Please?”  He opens the door for me and I slide into the car.

Kane was quiet all the way home.  He had Radiohead’s “Karma Police” playing in the car.  I turn it up loud so I wouldn’t have to talk to him.  Turning into my driveway I turn the volume down and notice that he doesn’t turn the car off as he glances over at me.

He starts to say something but I was faster, “Kane, my life is so messed up right now.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much.  I know you want answers about the restaurant, but right now I can’t talk about it.”  Tears start to fall down my cheeks, I couldn’t control my emotions.  “You don’t need this extra drama in your life right now, and I come with a shit load of it.  I know you’re not looking for anything serious.”  I turn and open the door to get out, but before I can, he reaches for my arm and turns me toward him.

“Jay, your right I don’t need any more bullshit in my life right now.”

I wince when he says that.

“So that is why you are going to let me help you work some of it out.  I am not walking away from what we are starting here, so we will just deal with it.”  He pulls me toward him, “I don’t know what it is, but you will tell me all of it, but not tonight.”  He kisses me lightly on the lips.  “I want you Jay, but I can wait for the right time for us and I know that’s just not tonight.”  I know he could read the shock on my face.  He kisses the tip of my nose and gets out of the car.

Coming around and helping me out of the car he walks me to the door. I unlock it and step inside.  When he doesn’t follow I turn and he says, “Lock the door and turn the alarm on after I leave.  I’ll see you in the morning.”  He kisses me lightly on the lips and turns to walk away.

“Kane,” I call to him and he turns back around to look at me.  “I thought you didn’t want anything serious?”  He looks directly at me.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought too.”  He smiles and turns around to leave.

Grinning to myself, I close the door and turn the alarm on.  My thoughts never leave Kane as I crawl into my bed that night and fall asleep.

I was back in the room with the dirty white walls.  This time I am alone.  The cold hard metal seat I was sitting on was situated in the middle of the room.  Looking down I had on a hospital gown, but my stomach was flat.  I close my eyes tightly when I feel hot air being breathed on the back of my neck.   My dark demon was here again.

He gently lifts my hair and continues to nuzzle his nose deeper into the crook of my neck.  “I do so love the innocent ones.  They always taste the sweetest.”  I feel him lick my neck and then his needle sharp teeth sink into my shoulder blade.  They pierce my body and blood starts to run down my arm turning my white gown red.  He picks me up and lays me on the floor.  I hear him pull his zipper down and feel him push my gown up.  The warm blood runs faster down my body.  He shifts over me and starts to push into me painfully.  I scream as he tears me and he laughs louder as I cry out for help.

I wake again with warm tears running down my face and body.  Alone in my torment.  As I always am.

Chapter 4

I hit snooze the first time I think my alarm is going off the following morning.  It felt like just minutes later it was going off again.  Rolling toward the end of the bed I slam my hand harder on the snooze button, but the darn thing won’t turn off.  Lifting my head up, I realize then that it was the doorbell.  Damn, it was only 6:30 in the morning.

The sun was just coming through my windows.  I was in a cami and boxers and had some serious bed head and whoever it was at the door was going to get me just like this.  When I went down, I could see JT standing in front of the door looking away.  I thought about not answering it, but realize that if Kane came by this morning that could spell disaster.  Turning the home alarm off, I open the door.

“What the hell JT,” I ask?  He was dressed in his running clothes and looked like he hadn’t slept.  He looked me up and down and I crossed my arms over my chest.  I was more covered than a bathing suit, but I should have put on a robe.

“Can I come in so we can talk?”

“No, you can’t JT.  It is 6:30 in the morning.  Did Cal not tell you I need some time?”

He stepped into the doorway in front of me.  “I gave you plenty of time.  We are working this shit out today.  I can’t take any more of this, Jay.”

“Look JT, please don’t do this.  I’ve thought about it and we can’t go back.  You have to let me go.”  I plead and try to push him back, but he grabs me and pushes me backwards into my house.  His grip is tight and his face was harsh.

“Fuck that Jay.  I am getting some damn answers.  I’m not that little boy you threw away two years ago.”

My heart starts fluttering and the panic rose fast.  When he barely shakes my shoulders, something in me snaps.  I start trying to pull away and yell at him, “Let me go JT.  Let me go NOW!”  I was shaking and tears stream down my face while I try to jerk my hands free.

“Jesus Jay, calm down I just want to talk.”

My breath is caught in my chest and I try to kick his shin.  He was blocking me and trying not to get injured.  JT wraps his arms around me locking my hands and picks me up.

“Please let me go,” I sob as he carries me into the living room and over to the couch.  He laid me down and tried to subdue my hands and legs by using his body to pin me down.

“Quit kicking me and calm down, Jay.  This is ridiculous.”

I couldn’t breathe, every breath was shallow and my vision started wavering.

“Jay, what the hell? Calm down.  Jay, JAY,” he was yelling at me.

I feel him being lifted off of me.  From far away I hear mewling and didn’t even realize it was coming from me.  The sounds of muffled voices drift to me, but nothing was getting through my head and just like the last time the darkness consumes me.

“Wake up James.  Come on Jay, I need you to wake up for me.”

His voice seems miles away.  I feel him stroking his hands down my face.  “Please baby, I don’t know what to do.  Just wake up.”

My eyes flutter open and my head is in Kane’s lap.  His eyes were on mine.  “Jay, you okay?  Do I need to call the police?  Talk to me, please.”  His voice sounded more hoarse than normal and his beautiful green eyes were dark with worry.

“I’m good,” my voice was weak, “please help me sit up.”

As I sit up, I notice that JT was sitting on the floor in the corner staring at me.  He had several scratches down one cheek and his face looks like he had gotten the hell beat out of him.  There was a gash on his forehead and his nose was swollen and bleeding.  His eyes were red where it looked like he had been crying.

“I am so sorry Jay.” He kept repeating in a whisper.   He continues staring at me as if he has never seen me before.

“Shut the fuck up,” Kane growled at JT.

JT closed both of his eyes tightly and tears streamed down his cheeks.  When he finally spoke his voice was shaky.  “Who hurt you Jay?  Just name the bastard and I’ll kill him.  This whole time I just didn’t get it.  I knew you would never cheat on me.  That answer always bothered me because I knew it wasn’t the truth.  FUCK,” he yelled in anguish as he stood up.  Kane pulled me closer in his arms.

JT started toward me and Kane growled at him, “That’s close enough.”

He stopped and tears continued to fall down his face.  I hadn’t realized that tears were also streaming down mine, until I felt Kane wiping them away.  JT drops to his knees again.

“Please Jay, just tell me who it was. Oh my God, I think I know what happened.  Just tell me.  God I am so sorry.  I never thought that would be why.  I should have known.  I should have known,” he cries and bows his head and starts sobbing.

Closing my eyes tightly, I silently pray this is a nightmare and any moment I will wake up.  I felt like I was being stripped bare and shredded to pieces.  Wasn’t my soul slipping through the slashes of me?  I couldn’t allow this to happen.  Standing suddenly, I push away from Kane.

“Get out of my house NOW!  Both of you.  Just get out,” I scream.  I know I probably look like a crazy woman, but I didn’t care at this moment.  Looking down at JT, I snarl at him, “Get the fuck out of my house JT.  I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you keep your fucking opinions to yourself.  You don’t know anything about me.  Don’t you dare breathe a word of what you think “happened”.  Just get out,” I scream at him and dive toward him swinging, but before my hand could hit him, Kane pulls me back.  I jerk my body out of his arms and turn towards him, “Leave Kane.  Just leave.”

Kane looks at me and shakes his head. Standing he turns to JT, “Man, you need to leave.”  JT didn’t even look at him.  He stood just staring at me.

“I am so sorry Jay,” he quietly said and turns to walk away.  I heard the front door open and close.  My eyes go to Kane and he’s staring at me.  My breaths were coming fast, and it feels like my heart will erupt from my chest at any moment.

I open my mouth to tell him to leave when he says, “I’m not leaving, so get that out of your fucking head.  You can either talk about what just happened or you can just let me hold you,” he sits back down on the couch and lowers his head to his hands.

“Damn Jay, I walk up to your front door and it’s cracked opened.  Then I hear you screaming so I run in and find a guy holding you down and you just faint.  I totally lost my shit and almost beat that kid to death.  He didn’t even fight me off.  He was worried about you and begged me to make sure you were okay.”  He looks up at me.  “Now I’m not going to pretend I didn’t hear what he said or even what he might have meant.”

I cut him off, “Just shut up.  What?  You’ve known me for literally three days.  You don’t know me at all.  Just get out of my house.”

He shakes his head and I could tell that he wanted to argue.  Finally he stands and looks at me, “What the fuck ever.”  He then walks out of the living room and never looks back.  I jump when the front door slams.

My knees give out and I fall to the floor my head hung down.  The pain radiates down my body from my heart.  It’s physical.  When would it ever stop?  The thought flashes through my mind.  I could make it stop.  Upstairs in my bathroom closet sat a bottle of different pills.  A collection of sorts, that I have been gathering for the last year.  It would be a lethal combination if taken at the same time.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard the front door open and close again.  I look up as my mother walks into the room.  When she sees me on the floor, she rushes forward to grab me.

“Jesus Jay, what happened?  Are you okay?  Dale,” she screamed for my father.

I laid my head on her shoulder and sobbed.  When was the last time that I had cried to my Mom?  It had been years.   Her hands grip me and she holds me tightly to her chest.

“It’s okay honey.  I’m here.”  She kisses the top of my head.  I hear feet pounding against the floor as my Dad runs into the room.

“Paige what is going on?”  He asked my Mom and kneels on the floor next to us.  Laying his hand on top of my head he asks, “James are you okay?”  I could hear the concern in his voice.

Raising my head, I look at them knowing I had to tell them something.  “I’m fine really.  I just had a fight with JT.”  They look at each other over my head.  My dad was the first one to speak.

“A fight with JT?  I’m hoping you mean over the phone James and not that he was here this early in the morning.”

“Dale, leave her alone,” she said to my Dad.  “Jay, I didn’t know you and JT were back together?”  She holds me away from her and looks at me.

“It’s a long story Mom.  Really, I’m okay.”  Pulling away from her I wipe the tears off my face and we all stand up.  “What are you guys doing home?”

“We had some last minute issues with the business that we needed to come back and deal with,” my Mom replies.  “Honey, do you want to talk about anything?”  I could see the worry in her and my Dad’s eyes.

“I’m fine really.  It’s been a rough first week of school and I left early yesterday because I didn’t feel very well.  I’m going to stay home today if it’s okay with you?”

My Dad started to shake his head no, but my mother laid a hand on his arm and spoke.  “That’s fine Jay.  I’ll call school and let them know.  Why don’t you go upstairs and lie down.  I’ll come up and check on you in a minute.”

I nod my head and start to walk away.  At the door I turn around and see my parents whispering to each other.  I know my parents love me and I have never doubted that.  I just don’t think they know what to do with me anymore.  Turning back to go upstairs I reach my room and fall into bed.   Pulling the covers over my head I let myself sink into a restless sleep.

“Jay, wake up sweetie.”

My Mother’s voice wakes me.  Her hand brushes through my hair as she sits on the side of the bed.  Concern is etched on her face and pain fills her voice.

“You know if you ever want to talk about anything I’m here to listen.  Your Dad and I have been worried about you.  I know we don’t talk like we used to.”

Smiling at her I answer, “I know Mom and really I’m okay.  JT and I are just trying to work out our problems.  Things just got out of hand this morning.  I am so sorry that you and Dad had to see me like that.”

“No Jay, don’t feel that way.  We want you to talk to us.  You have shut me out the past couple of years and I don’t know how to talk to you anymore.”

I didn’t know what to say to that.  We did used to be a lot closer.  My life has changed so much in the last two years.  So much has been taken from me.

“Thanks for just being here Mom.  I love you.”  I sit up in the bed.

“Just know that we are always here for you.”  She hugs my neck and stands up.  “Do you want something to eat?  Your Dad and I are driving to the office, but I could fix something before we leave.”

“I’m good.  I’ll grab something in a little bit.”

“When I know our schedule I’ll let you know.  See you sweetie.”  She kisses the top of my head and walks out.

My phone vibrates on the table beside my bed.  I reach over and grab it to read my text message.

Cal - R u okay????  Why are you not at school???  Did something hap w/JT?  Looks like someone beat the shit out of him, but he won’t talk about it.

Me – I’m just not feeling well.  Please tell JT I’m okay.  Make sure he’s okay for me.

I shook my head reading the next text and decide to ignore him.

Rhye - I can’t get you out up my f’head…. Shouldn’t have said that last night at the restaurant.  Can we just talk? Did you hear your song the other night?

It was sunny outside so I showered and shaved my legs thinking I might lay out by the pool for the day.  I slip my ear buds in and turn on some music.  My thoughts are running wild about what I am going to say to Kane.  He probably doesn’t even want to talk to me anymore.  I couldn’t blame him. After a while my phone vibrates against me.

Kane – R U at school?

Me – No….I stayed at home.

Kane – K

Me - ??????

I wasn’t sure where he was going with this.  I wanted to know if he still wants to see me again.

Me – Did you want to come over and talk?

Kane – Now you want to talk?  No Jay, I don’t want to talk.  I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

Me – I am sorry about this morning….

He never texted me back.  I went inside later that afternoon to take a shower and then lay back down.  Closing my eyes, I figure I can sleep my life away.

When I wake again, it is dark outside.  I walk downstairs and hear my parents talking in the kitchen.  My Father’s voice keeps getting louder.

“I’m worried about her Paige.  She never has friends over anymore.  Dan and Sandra have told us both that she still doesn’t speak to Molly.  This has went on long enough.  Now all of the sudden JT is back in the picture.  I don’t think this is a good thing.  Has she even applied to any colleges?  She doesn’t talk to anyone anymore.”

“Calm down Dale.  When she is ready she will talk to us.  You can’t push her.”  I could tell that my Mom was trying to calm him down.

“When she is ready?  It’s been two years.  We have let things go and gave her time to come to us.  She hasn’t and her future is at stake.”

“We need to give her just a little more time.  She is coming around,” my mother told him.

Not wanting to hear anymore I walk into the kitchen.  They stop talking immediately and turn toward me.

“You okay Jay?”  My Mom asked.

“I’m fine guys.  What are we having for dinner?”

My mother looks at my father and he turns toward me to answer, “Sorry sweetie, we both have flights out to pick up clients.  Some last minute charters.”  He looks at my Mom and then back at me.  “Jay, we can cancel them if you need us here.”  I don’t ever remember my Dad offering to cancel business for me.

Walking over to him he opens his arms and I step into them.  Hugging him hard I say, “Thanks Dad, but I’m good.  Everything is fine.  I just had a moment this morning.  You know teen angst and all that.”  I laugh and it sounded fake even to me, but I could tell they both bought it.

My mother came over and hugged me toward her.  “You know we are only a phone call away.”

“I know Mom.  I’m just going to order a pizza and call it a night. Love you guys.”

I slip out of the kitchen before they could talk anymore to me. An hour later, they come into my room to tell me goodbye and kiss me before they leave.  I still have not heard from Kane.  I guess that was that.  Grabbing a book that I started last week, I read until I fall asleep.

My alarm clock wakes me early the next morning.  Yawning, I realize that I’m not going to be able to get out of school today.  Dressing in tan shorts and a gold blousy shirt I slide on a pair of new golden sandals and check myself out in the mirror.  Yesterday’s tanning session was much needed.  My skin glowed.  I left my hair down and head down stairs.

I decided to forgo the coffee this morning since I didn’t set the timer.  Grabbing my keys and book bag, I head out to school.  I walk out the front door hoping to see Kane waiting for me, but I should have known that he is done with the whole situation.  I can’t blame him when I even get tired of my drama.

Cal was waiting for me next to my parking space when I pull in.  He is going to want answers and I don’t have any for him.

“Whatever you’re going to say, can you please just save it?  Please?”  I plead with him.  Cal shakes his head.

“We have to talk about our boy eventually Jay.  You know that right?”  I nod at him.  He turns around and walks toward the school building.  Taking a deep breath I follow him to homeroom.  Cal sits on one side of the room where there were no more seats so I sat on the other.

I caught Cal looking at me, but then he looked down at his desk.  He didn’t look at me again during class, but he was the only one.  Everyone else kept glancing and whispering all through the morning.  I could have asked Cal what they were saying, but I really didn’t care to know.  I could only pray that JT kept his opinions to himself.

Hiding out in my car during lunch, I don’t see JT.  During my Art class, I was working on my painting when a shadow fell over my portrait.  I look up to see Reed standing there.

“You okay, Jay?”

I immediately glance to where Molly was sitting and she was staring back at us.  Looking up to Reed I say, “I’m fine Reed.”  My answer came out a little short and he winced.  For the first time in years I didn’t want to be this way toward him.  He started to turn away and I grabbed his hand and he looked back at me.  “Thanks for asking,” I replied and smile at him.  I let his hand go and he turns to walk away.

My last period was the one I worried about the most because of JT.  However once I arrived in the gym, I heard that he and most of the other football players were out on the football field.  They were practicing for the first game which was next Friday.  At least I wouldn’t have to deal with him.

After the final bell rang, I walk out to my car and groan when I see the white piece of paper stuck under my windshield.   Part of me doesn’t want to read it, but then there is that sick sadistic part that needs to see what he’ll type next.  I grab the note and open it.

I missed you yesterday.  I dreamed about you.  Do you have sweet dreams about me?

My breath caught in my lungs.  I look around to see if anyone was watching me.  Was he watching me?  There were so many students going out to their cars and just hanging in the parking lot.  I toss it to the ground like and get into my car.  As I was trying to calm down, my car door was jerked open and Rhye stands there staring down at me.

“Can we talk?”

I grit my teeth and reply, “We have nothing to talk about.  I’m done with you Rhye.”  I push him away and try to close the door, but he tugs the door back open.

“Damn Jay, just try to listen to me for a couple of seconds.  I really shouldn’t have said that the other night, but when I saw you with that guy, I just went a little crazy,” he said

“Leave me alone Rhye,” I yell and am finally able to push him away.  Pushing the lock button, I start my car up and drive away.

Going straight home I finally check my phone when I get there.  My heart hurts when I see there are still no calls or messages from Kane.  It’s hard to believe that I only met him a week ago.  Can you miss someone that you don’t really know?  I went up to my room and fall across my bed.  When I close my eyes I can see him clearly in my mind.  I imagine feeling his hard chest underneath my fingers.  No guy that I had been with had a body like his, but it wasn’t just his body I was thinking about.  I want to get to know him better.  Hell, I just want to hear his voice.  Listening to him talk the other night gave me chill bumps.   He probably never wants to see me again and I couldn’t blame him.

The last two years, I have fought for control of my life.  I used sex to control one aspect of it and never opened my heart to another relationship.  I said who and when, then I could walk away with my secrets kept to myself, but I also walked away alone.  So what am I doing with Kane?  He doesn’t want a relationship or does he?  Did I?  Now I’m not sure anymore.  I’ve kept my secrets this long.  Could I keep them forever and live with them?

“Damn,” I yell into the empty room.  Screw this, I thought as I roll off the bed and walk into my bathroom to shower.  After getting cleaned, I decide I was going out.  This was my life and I decided last year to live it up while I’m here.  I curl my hair and put on a little make up.  I went into my closet and grab my favorite little black dress and a killer pair of black sling backs.  Spraying my body down with my coconut body spray, I smile at the reflection in my mirror.  It’s funny because I’m starting to see the girl I once was and I thought she was long gone.  Glancing once more I turn and run down the stairs and out to my car.

Driving downtown it didn’t take long for me to get to O’Malley’s and park.  It was Friday night and I wasn’t sure if Kane was working tonight or not.  Either way I was going in.  I flash my ID to the bouncer outside and he smiles and lets me through.  The bar was always crazy after nine at night no matter what day of the week it was, but with it being the start to the weekend it was packed mostly with the college crowd.  I made my way to the bar and was glad to see that it was Jill working tonight.  She smiled at me as I sat down on a stool.

“What up Girlie?  Are you meeting up with Kane tonight?”

I cut my eyes at her and say, “No, I guess you can say it didn’t work out.  Jill, please do me a favor and not mention it.  I’ve had a shit week. I’m just here to have a good time tonight.”

Jill stares at me for a second and nods.  “You want the usual?”

I nod back to her.  She pours my Jack and Coke and sets it down in front of me.  Turning away from the bar I notice Kip is playing pool with some of his buddies.  There were a couple of people already on the dance floor.  When I turn back I notice a guy at the end of the bar staring at me.  He has shaggy dark blond hair and dressed in a dark suit.  He dips his chin at me, noting that I am looking at him.  Turning back to the bar I saw that Jill was watching me.

“I don’t know about that one.  He just showed up tonight.  Part of the work crowd, not the college.”  She glanced at the guy at the end of the bar.  Following her eyes I saw that he was still staring at us.  I smile back at him and he stands and walks toward me.

“Kyle Larson,” he says as he grabs my hand.

“Jay,” I reply back.  He kisses the top of my hand and his eyes never leave mine.

“Would you like to dance Jay?”

I stand and say, “Sure.”

He leads me to the dance floor and a slow song starts to play.  He pulls me close to him and we move together.  His hands at first rub my back, but soon enough start to move elsewhere.  I close my eyes and try to let the music just take me, but for the first time in years I knew that it mattered who I was dancing with and I couldn’t relax.  The music moves to something faster and we continue dancing.  I turn in his arms with my back facing his front.  His hands grip both sides of my hips and touch the flesh below my dress.

I choose that moment to look up and across the room and Kane is staring back at me.  He must have just walked into the bar.  My heart races as I notice how good he looks wearing dark jeans and a red polo shirt.  At his side was a guy that looked like an older version of him, but with a completely shaved head.  The guy at his side pointed toward the bar and it broke his intense gaze from me and they head that way.

Turning my body toward Kyle I continue to move to the music against him.  Sweat pours down both of us.  Kyle whispers in my ear, “Let’s get something to drink.”  I nod my head yes and we both head toward the bar with him holding my hand.  I guide us to the opposite end of the bar as Kane.  Jill was talking to him, but stopped when she saw me and then headed our way.

Kyle looked at me, but spoke to Jill, “Line us up with some Patron shots.”  Jill did as he instructed and once all six shots were in front of us she spoke quietly to me.

“Hope you know what you are doing.”

I shook my head and told her the truth, “I haven’t known what I was doing for years.”  I looked at Kyle and lifted my first shot to him and drank deep.  In minutes I had finished the other two.  Kyle started laughing and finished his drinks.  He grabbed my hand to lead me back to the dance floor.

We danced for several songs.  I had gotten a pretty good buzz and was finally enjoying myself.  The band finally came on stage and the dance floor became packed.  Glancing around I notice Kane and I guess it was his brother playing pool and several girls were gathered around.  Sweat poured down my hairline and across my chest.

Kyle’s mouth was suddenly on my neck and I didn’t like it.  I pulled away from him and he gripped my body tighter.  Pushing away from him, he only laughed and shook his head no while he tried to pull me closer.  I could feel the panic coming over me, but before I could react, an arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me away from him.    Kyle was staring behind me and then I heard a voice in my ear.

“Jay, is this douchebag bothering you?” I could tell Kyle could hear him.

“No problems here.  We were just dancing, but I guess we’re done.”  Kyle replied back and turned around to walk away.

The music changed to something slow and sexy.  I turned around in Kane’s arms to face him.  His jeweled eyes were gleaming and he wasn’t smiling.  My arms automatically move up and around his neck.  We start dancing, never taking our eyes off each other.  I’d never been more aware of another human being as I was right then.  He gripped me and pulled me closer to him.  I finally shut my eyes and laid my head down on his shoulder.  He sang softly into my ear.   Shivers ran down my body and I sighed against his neck.  I could feel his body tighten against me.  When the song ended he pulled back and looked at me.

“I am so pissed at you Jay.”

“You’ll get over it,” I said.

He laughed at me and shook his head.  “Yeah I guess I will.  Come on.  I want to introduce you to my brother,” he said as he pulled me through all the bodies on the dance floor and over to the pool tables.  When we got closer I watched his brother turn towards us.

“So this must be Jay,” he stated and continued, “nice dance moves.”  He laughed to himself.  Kane looked at me and shrugged.

“Shut up Cole.  Jay this is Cole.  Cole this is Jay.”

I glance back at Cole and say, “Hi.”  Kane sat down on a stool and pulls me to set on his lap.

Cole racked up the balls for another game and asked, “So my brother tells me you are a senior in high school.” He had a smirk across his face.  I guess that was funny to him.  “Girls sure didn’t look like you when I was in high school.”

“Cole,” Kane warned.  His eyes were hard on his brother.

“What?  I’m just saying your girl is fine, brother.  A little young, but at least legal.”  He laughed.  I could tell that Kane was getting pissed.  His jaw was clenching again.

Cole broke the balls then turned toward me again.  “What are your plans for college?”

“I don’t have any at the moment,” I said to him.  That always stuns people when you tell them that and Cole had a stunned expression on his face

“So what, you’re not going to college?”

“I have no long term plans at this moment.  We’ll see how everything goes.”  I could tell he didn’t like my answers, but before he could ask anything else, I turn to see Kip heading toward me.  Kip looks pissed as he walks right up to me.

“What the hell Jay?  JT is a fucking mess.  Did you know that Coach almost benched him for the first game this Friday because he won’t tell anyone who beat the shit out of him?  Coach even called our parents and they have his ass on lock down.  I know it had something to do with you so don’t lie.  When I tried to talk to him he just mentioned that something had went down at your house.  Is this the fucker that beat the shit out of him?”

Kip glared at Kane behind me.  I could feel Kane’s body tense beneath mine.  Kip is a big guy, but he had nothing on Kane.  Kane pushed me from his lap and went to stand up behind me.  I needed to diffuse the situation and fast.

“Listen Kip, JT and I had a misunderstanding.  We were fighting and Kane mistook the situation.  It wasn’t his fault.  He thought JT was hurting me.”

Kip kept glaring at Kane.  I heard Cole chuckle behind me and open his big mouth.

“Dude, you really don’t want any of my little brother, the boy can fight.  I do like to be entertained though and someone trying to kick his ass is always funny.”

I glare at Cole because he wasn’t helping the situation.

Kip turned toward me and said, “You know that JT would never hurt you.  He fucking loves you, Jay.  It’s always been just you for him forever, but he’s going to fuck up his football scholarship if he doesn’t get his shit together.  Don’t let your stuff bring him down, whatever it is.”

I stare at Kip for a couple of seconds.  I’ve seen Kip out several times over the past couple of years.  He never really brought JT up, so I was shocked that he was saying anything now.

“Kip, he came to my house and forced his way in.  I have told him repeatedly that we are over.”

He shakes his head at me, “You know you’ll never be over until you give him closure.  Can you not just give him that Jay?”  He turns and walks away.

I could see Cole out of the corner of my eye staring at me.  He looks like he is trying to figure out what his brother has gotten involved with.  Turning toward Kane I glance up at him.

“It’s late and I’ve got to go.  I’ll talk with you later.”  I start to walk away, but he pulls me back to him.

“You’ve been drinking.  I’ll drive you home in your car and Cole can follow us.”  He wasn’t asking.

“Okay, thanks.”

Kane and Cole follow me out of the bar.  Kane said something to his brother and then headed toward me as Cole went the other way.  Neither of us said anything to each other.  When I reach my car I give him the keys and he opens the door for me to get in.  We pull out and I notice that Cole was following behind us.

“Thanks for driving me home.”

He nods his head at me and turns on the radio.  Coldplay filled the silence.  I look out the window and thought about what Kip said.

“How long have you and that guy’s brother been broken up?”  His voice was low.

“For about two years.”  He turns his head towards me with surprise on his face.

“Two years?  How long were you with him?”

“Since we were in middle school I guess.  He was my first and only boyfriend pretty much.”

“Are you ready to tell me why you guys broke up?”

“Not really.  No one knows, Kane.  I don’t ever talk about it.”  I turn away and look out the passenger side window.

We drive the rest of the way in silence.  He pulls into my driveway and turns the car off.  I look back and see Cole pull in behind us.  We both get out of the car at the same time and he walks around to where I am standing.  I start to tell him goodnight, when he gently cradles my face with his hands and forces me to look into his eyes.

“You pissed me off tonight.  I was just telling my brother about you over dinner and then we walk into the fucking bar and you’re on the dance floor with another guy.”

“I figured you wised up and decided to drop me like a bad habit,” I replied sarcastically.

“I should, but for some crazy reason I can’t get you out of my head.  I wasn’t going to call you all weekend and give us some space.  I’m trying to slow everything down for you and give you time, but you’ve got to be on the same fucking page as me.  You frustrate the hell out of me.  I’m working the next two nights at the bar.  Next Friday night we are going on a date.  I’ll pick you up at seven.”  It wasn’t a question.

Looking into his eyes I knew that right now he had me.  “I’ll be ready at seven.”

He grins at me and says, “Good girl.  I’ll train you yet.”  He laughs as I punch him in the arm.  He leans down and presses his lips against mine.  It was just a simple kiss, but it ignited my body.  I open my mouth and let his tongue touch mine.  It was over before it got really good, because Cole chose that moment to honk his truck horn.

He pulled away and I saw him throw his arm up and shoot his brother a friendly hand gesture.  “I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said and walked to the truck.

Walking in the house, I lock the door behind me and set the alarm.  My mind was going over what Kip said as I showered and fell into my bed.  JT needed more from me about what happened, but I just couldn’t go there.  I had never talked to anyone about it.  For one, so much time had passed that I don’t think anyone would believe me.  When it first happened I blamed myself and then the next month was a nightmare.  I just want to forget about it.  He ruined me for JT.  I was saving my virginity for him.  JT and I had been talking about taking our relationship further.  He loved the thought that we both had never been with anyone else.  Then I was ruined.  I fell asleep again with tears in my eyes.

The clock on the wall ticked loudly in my ear.  I was in my white room again, however, now crimson blood leaked from the top of the walls running swiftly down to the floor.  About a foot of blood pooled at the bottom.  I sat in the middle of the room directly in the thick liquid and the blood coated my naked legs and backside.  My hands twirled through the thick blood at my side.  I could even smell the musky scent it had.

Directly in front of me the thick red liquid started bubbling and then something began rising from the blood.  I realized it was a head with the hair slicked back from all the blood.  Next there were eyes as red as rubies.  They stared at me and the head moved with an almost snake like grace back and forth.  Next came his broad shoulders and the blood ran down to his flat stomach.  He was naked and when the next part of his body rose, I turned my head.  I could see his legs from the corner of my eyes and then he was finally standing whole in front of me.

He dropped to his knees and grinned at me.  “Come to me,” he commanded.  I shook my head no.  “Well then fight me, because I can always take what I want.”  He grabbed my arms and pulled me to him and tried to kiss my mouth.  “Fight me my beauty.  Force always makes it sweeter.”  I opened my mouth to scream then.

Sitting up in bed, I notice the sun had already started rising.  My body started shaking and I pulled my knees hugging them to me. My nightmares were getting darker.  I hadn’t had one for months until last week.  Going back to school has triggered them and also having to see him again.  Last year, he had left me a couple of notes, but he didn’t approach me.  Why all the sudden is he harassing me more?

I wasn’t going to be able to go back to sleep so I went ahead and got up.  Throwing on my bathing suit, I went downstairs.  I grab some breakfast then went outside to the pool.  The sun was already shining bright by the time I lay down on the chair.  Not a cloud was in the sky.  I turn on my iPhone to my Kings of Leon playlist and close my eyes.

About an hour after I had been outside my phone chimed that I had a text.

Kane – You up?

Me – Soaking up the sun by the pool…want to join me???

Kane – I need to go work-out.

Me – Have fun working out. J

Groaning to myself, I guess he is not going to push me.  I know it’s what I wanted, but then again I hate it.  The thought of seeing him in his swim shorts warms me all over.  Sitting up I grab the tanning oil rubbing it on my skin and the sweet smell of coconut fills the air.  Thirty minutes later my phone buzzes again.

Kane – I should be working out……

Me – So why aren’t you????

Kane – Because I’m standing at the gate to your pool.  I guess I just can’t stay away.

I jump off the lounge chair and rush to open the gate.  When it swings open my jaw drops.  Kane is standing there in his swim shorts, flip flops, and nothing else.  My mouth waters at the sight of his chest.  My eyes finally go to his and that’s when I laugh because he is staring at my body the same way I am staring at his.  Glad I wore my new yellow bikini.

“Like what you see Sweetheart?”  He laughs at what say and I know he is remembering that’s what he asked me when we first met.

“Yeah, I really like what I see.”  He grabs me and pulls me toward him for a kiss.  “You’re all slippery and you smell so good.  Like a tropical island.”  He kisses my nose and my mouth.  “Damn, I can’t stay away.  I didn’t sleep well again last night and I blame you.”   I kiss him back and pull away to hold his hand and lead him to the lounge chair next to mine.

“Now lie down and rest,” I say and he plops down on his stomach.  Pouring some tanning oil onto my hands, I begin to massage his back.  His groan lets me know he likes what I am doing.  I knead his shoulders and back.  Finally I’m able to read the script across his neck.  It reads To Thine Own Self Be True.  The words hit me hard and I trace the words with my finger.

My hands rub his lower back and then move down his legs.   About twenty minutes later when I am finished, I move up to kiss his cheek and realize he is sound asleep.  Smiling, I move to my chair and lay down.  He really was beautiful and it seems like it is inside and out.  How could I ever let him go?  I close my eyes and bask in the warm sun.

The buzzing of a bee above me woke me up.  The sky had turned cloudy and I look next to me.  Kane was sound asleep still on his stomach.  His back was red from falling asleep in the sun.  I jump up to wake him.

“Wake up Kane.”  I shake him awake.  He leans up and winces from the pain of his back.  Grabbing my phone, I notice that it was almost four in the afternoon.

“Damn, how long did we sleep?”  He was still groggy and he looked so freaking sexy.

“Long enough, Sleeping Beauty.”  I say and grin at him.  “Come inside so I can put some aloe on your back.  Thank God that it was cloudy or you would have been really sun burned.”  He follows me into the kitchen.  I grab the aloe that we have in the fridge and rub some on his back.

“That feels so good Jay.”  I finish and wash my hands in the sink.  He comes up behind me and kisses me.  I close my eyes and feel his mouth drift over my neck and back.  “You taste so good.  When I’m not with you all I do is think about you and when I’m finally with you, I am thinking about when I can be with you again.  Crazy, huh?”  Words had left me and I nod my head yes.  “You make me crazy, Jay.”  His lips continue down the center of my back.  His hands are gripping the sides of my hips.

His lips and hands suddenly leave me and I turn my head to look back at him.  His eyes are shining and I look down to see that I’m not the only one turned on.  His breath is heavy and he’s gripping the kitchen counter like it’s a life line.

“You test my patience.  I’ve got to get ready for work.  Are you coming to the bar tonight?”

“I think I’ll stay around here,” I say as I turn toward him.

“I’ll be working so that’s good for me.  I’d hate to watch all the douchebags hitting on you all night.”

“Please Kane, what about all the little college girls worshiping at your feet?”  He finally steps back to look at me.

“It’s you that I’ll be thinking about.  I can come here after work if you want me to, but Jay I think I really should give you a little space.   They’re ten million things I need to do tomorrow and I really need to hit the gym.  How about I call you tomorrow before I go to work?”

I sigh and answer him, “I guess you’re right.”  I lean in and kiss him.  Our lips explore each other for several minutes before I pull back.  His eyes are still closed and he looks so yummy that I lean back in and lightly kiss his lips again.

“I’m going to need the coldest shower when I get home.”  He and I both laugh.  I walk him out to his car and he kisses me one last time.  “I’ll call you,” he says.

“I’ll be waiting,” I reply.  He gets in his car and drives away.  My face feels like it’s stretched with the biggest smile.  He just makes me happy.  I go back in and settle down for a lazy weekend.

The night passes and so does the next day.  My parents call and check in with me to make sure everything is fine.  Sunday night, Kane finally calls to check in with me before work.  He tells me that he misses me and I tell him I’m glad.  He laughs at me, promising to call the next day after school.  I didn’t have any nightmares both nights.

Chapter 5

Monday morning arrived with me feeling refreshed and ready for the day.  It had been a long time since I felt that way.  Feeling good about myself, I decide to wear my new pale pink sundress to school.  It had sweetheart sleeves and fell just above my knee.  I brush my hair until it shines and slide on a new pair of flats.  I took a picture of myself blowing a kiss to the mirror and send it to Kane along with a quick text.

Me – Missing you…..

Within minutes my phone vibrates back.

Kane – damn baby you look fine…..miss you too

I arrive at school early that morning.  Walking down the hallway the school spirit was thick in the air with the opening football game this Friday night.  Welcome to the South where football Gods reign supreme.  I still wasn’t sure how I was going to handle JT.  First thing, I needed to make sure was that he hadn’t spoken about the other morning to anyone.

Walking down to the cafeteria, I am hoping I might catch him eating breakfast.  When I was walking in, he just happened to be walking out.  The bruises on his face were turning a light green and the scratches I had made were scabbed over.  He was sporting two black eyes.

I touch his arm and ask, “Hey, can we talk?”  His blue eyes were heavy with sadness.

He nods his head and replies, “Sure.”  I follow him outside the cafeteria building to sit on some lunch benches.

Sitting down he crosses his arms and legs.  He wouldn’t look at me and just hung his head.  I notice that everyone that walks by glances our way.  Leaning in I lower my voice.

“I’m sorry about the other morning.  I wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay.”

He looks up at me and says, “I would never have hurt you Jay.  You’ve known me almost your whole life.  I just wanted you to sit still long enough to think about us, but all of the sudden you went berserk.  Did you realize what you were saying, while you were fighting me Jay?  You kept saying, not again, please not again.  You scared the shit out of me and then your new boyfriend comes running in thinking I’m attacking you and starts whaling on me.”

I couldn’t listen to any more of this.  “I don’t want to talk about it JT.  Not ever.  I am begging you to never make me.”  He went to touch my arm and at the last second pulls his hand back.  I could tell he was terrified to have any contact with me.  I continue in a hushed whisper, “You have to move on.  You have to let go of us and what happened.  Just concentrate on getting your football scholarship.”

He grunts, “Not you too?  That’s all I hear from Coach Branch that I need to leave you alone and concentrate on football.”

I didn’t want to talk about anyone else.  “You have to move on,” I plead with him.

“Like you have moved on Jay?”

“Yes JT, like I’m trying to do.”  That was about as honest as I could get.

He gasps and lowers his head closer to me and says, “I need to know what went down that night.  The truth, and I then I can move on.”  I jerk back ready to tell him the same statement I have always said, but he stopped me before I could.  “No more lies, just the truth for once.  If you really want me out of your life just tell me what happened.”

I shake my head back and forth and whisper, “No.”

JT stood up and then turns back to me.  His body is shaking and the pain in his eyes is visible.  He leans in close to me and through gritted teeth says, “Someone hurt you and took you away from me.  You weren’t some girl that I didn’t know.  You were my world.  The reason I smiled every morning when I woke up.  I went to bed for the last two years remembering how you felt in my arms and how your lips tasted.  I looked at you and seen my future.  These last two years have been hell for me.  If you don’t want me back then fine, I guess I’ll have to live with that, but I deserve to know why and who ruined that for me. So unless you can tell me the truth, we have nothing more to say.”

He turns around and left me sitting there.  I wasn’t sure how long I sat staring at nothing.  I was jerked out of my thoughts when I heard a voice behind me.

“Well Miss Stevenson, it was nice meeting your new boyfriend the other night.”  Coach Branch stood looking at me.  He had a football in his hands, juggling it back and forth.  He steps closer to me and continues, “However, my wife and I think he might be a little too old for you.  Not to mention he looked like he could be a little rough.  I don’t want you to get hurt.”

I held my breath hoping he would walk away.  I was always so anxious around him.  Stepping even closer to me he fumbles the ball out of his hands and it hits me square on my chest.  He reaches for it and his hand grazes my breast.  I take a swift breath in.

“Goodness, I am so sorry.  The ball just slipped out of my hands,” he said looking not one bit apologetic.

I jump away when the warning bell rings for class.  “James you need to get to class,” a soft feminine voice said to me.  I turned to see Miss Kell watching us.  She almost looks upset and her eyes volley between Coach Branch and me.

“Yes Ma’am,” I said and walk away.

“Have a nice day James,” he said to my back and I never turned around.

I walked straight to my first period class.  Cal was waiting for me at the door.

“You are one hard woman to get in touch with.  What the hell have you done to JT now?  He just shoved me against the wall when I tried to ask him a question.”

I walk past him into class and say, “Let it go Cal.”  I sit down and Cal sits down right beside me.  The bell rings but evidently Mrs. Davis wasn’t ready to start class yet.

“He’s a walking zombie out on the football field.  He’s got to get his head in the game or we are going to lose on Friday,” he said.

I notice that everyone around is exceptionally quiet and paying more than enough attention to our conversation.   I whisper back to him, “What do you want me to do Cal?  I can’t give him what he wants.  I’m sorry, but I can’t.”  Tears burn my eyes and blur my vision.  I can’t allow these emotions, because I am so afraid if I ever start crying, I will never stop.

Cal grabs my hand and begs, “Tell him that you’ll come and support him this Friday.”

“That’s not what he wants Cal.  Plus I have a date this Friday,” my shaky voice replies.

“I’m not saying as a date, just as a friend.  Tell him you’ll come and watch him play.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Class finally begins and we don’t say anything else to each other.  I didn’t see JT the rest of the day, however, I do think about what Cal said.  My mind is numb. Cal doesn’t know what JT wanted and I do not know what to do.

When I arrive home, Kane sends me a text.

Kane - Want to come work out with me tonight?  Come downtown to the gym at 6:30.

Me – Sure…I’ll see you then.

I set my phone on the kitchen counter and walk out to our pool.  Sitting down on a lounge chair, the sun gently warms my face and I close my eyes.  Thoughts run through my mind.  What am I going to do about JT?  How am I supposed to fix him when I can’t even fix me.

As I lay there, I hear my name being called from the back gate door.  I knew that voice immediately.  It is the same voice that that had shared all of her secrets since we were kids.  I unlock and open the door to see Molly standing there.  Her fire red hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she had on a cute maxi dress.  She smiles at me.

“So is bitch season officially over?”  In that moment, I just wanted to wrap my arms around her, and admit how much I had missed her.  Struggling with the quiver in my voice I look back at her.

“It was a long season.”

“Ready to talk about it?”  Molly was never one to beat around the bush.  We walk over to the chairs and she sits down next to me.

I hadn’t talked to Molly in almost two years.  Not since the day after everything unraveled.  I remember waking up that morning in the shower.  The water had eventually lost its warmth and I don’t think I had even noticed when it turned cold.  My naked body shook from the chill and my teeth clicked together loudly.  I had bit down on my tongue and the taste of copper filled my mouth.

Slowly I stood and groaned at the soreness between my legs.  I made myself walk out of the shower not even drying my body and glared into the mirror.  Silent tears rolled down my face.  There were dark purple hand prints on my arms and thighs.  I could see two sets of teeth marks that surrounded both of my nipples.

As I stared at the stranger in the mirror, I wondered why her body wasn’t more broken.  Shouldn’t the skin be more mangled and torn?  I was instantly angry with her.  Why didn’t she look as bad as I felt?  She still had her skin.  She was still protected.  I hated her.  Didn’t she understand what her pretty face and pretty hair had gotten her?  Before I knew what I was doing, I picked up my brush and hurled it at the mirror.  Glass shattered everywhere.  Shards flew down to my feet, and nicked scratches along my leg.

Now her image matched mine.  The body was jagged and mismatched in the broken reflection.  I don’t know how long I stood there.  My legs shook from standing still for so long.  My eyes never leaving the girl in the mirror or what was left of her.  I barely made it to my bed before my legs gave out.  I climbed in and buried my entire body underneath the covers.

My parents had been out of town and were not due back for another two days.  I was supposed to be at school because it was a Friday.  It was the second week of my sophomore year.  I remember my home phone and cell both ringing for the next several hours.  I’m pretty sure I heard the doorbell chime and someone must have been knocking on my front door.  I forced all memories out of my head. Nothing seemed real.

Molly’s voice floated from the hallway.  I had forgotten she had an emergency set of house keys and also knew the alarm code. She walked into my room.

“Jay, where the hell were you last night?  You were supposed to meet Reed and me for pizza after cheerleading practice.  JT freaked because you didn’t call him either.  He couldn’t leave school today to check on you, so here I am.”

In that moment, I knew I didn’t want her to know what happened.  No one ever had to know.  Pulling the cover down, I stared at her.  When I spoke my voice was hoarse.  “I’m sick Mols.  Must be the flu or something.  You don’t want to be here to catch this.  You should probably leave.”

“Damn Jay, you look bad.  Should I take you to the doctor?”  Molly looked scared for me.

“I’m fine. Just need to sleep.  Tell JT he doesn’t want to catch this bug and I’ll call him tomorrow.” I pulled the cover back over my head letting the dark envelop me.

“Just call me if you need me.  Love you Jay.” I heard her muffled voice and then the door clicked.  I knew she would tell JT. I was sick.

I heard the click of her shoes go down the stairs, and out the door. What was I going to do about Molly and Reed?  They would know instantly that something was wrong.  Oh my God, I didn’t know how I would face JT.   I was ruined for him now.  He would never understand what happened.  I know I could go to the police, but then everyone would have to know.  I’ve seen the T.V. shows where the girl goes to the hospital.  NO.  No, I didn’t want to deal with that.

He got what he wanted. I had been begging for it he said.  Wasn’t it just the other day that I was flirting with him in P.E. at school?  God, I did flirt with him.  It was my personality, but everyone knew I was JT’s girl.  Like the rest of the school, I thought he was super cute.  I remember him sending secret smiles during the day at me and I never thought anything of it.

The more I thought about it, I knew that he was right.  No one would ever believe me.  He would leave me alone now.  We could go on as if nothing happened.  Just not as before.  I would keep this secret from everyone.  I could be strong and put this behind me, but I would have to let Molly, Reed and JT go.  They would guess instantly what had happened.  It would be better for everyone.

Making myself get out of bed, I dress in my sweats.  Walking towards the bathroom, I stopped myself before stepping on all the shards of glass that covered the floor.  I would have to clean that before my parents got home and tell them I accidently broke it.  Later as I swept the glass away, I could see my reflection in the bigger pieces.  That girl was taken away with the trash.

The sound of Molly’s voice broke my thoughts and brought me to the present, “Jay, I miss you.  Reed misses you.”

Finally the tears start rolling down my face and I hang my head down.  I have really missed them too.  Molly grabs me and wraps her arms around me.  My body begins to shake from the sobs and for the first time, I cried and let my burdens go.  Molly just held me and strokes my back.

“I’m so tired Mols.  I’m just so damn tired,” I cried.  We sit huddled together and eventually my body stops shaking from the sobs.  We watch the sun set in silence, with my head on Molly’s shoulder.

Finally she speaks, “I was so mad at you when you wouldn’t talk to me.  I thought we told each other everything and suddenly you wouldn’t let me in.  Mad really doesn’t describe it.  You shut me out.  You shut Reed out.  You killed JT.  When you started being bitchy to everyone and stopped hanging around us, I hated you more.  I was so stupid not to stop and think that something could have happened to make you act like that.”

My body froze and all I could think about was that JT must have talked to her.  Molly continued speaking, “I’ve been thinking about that lately.  That first month you had the flu, and were out of school so much that I didn’t see you.  We would all come to your house and you refused to see us.  Then when we would talk, you were such a bitch.  I think it was easier for Reed and me to hate you because we had each other.  We could convince ourselves that you thought you were too good for us, but what you did to JT demolished him.  I know now we should have all known you better, but hell Jay, we were all hurt.”

She stopped talking when her voice choked up.  I couldn’t stand it anymore.  My world of control that I had built was crumbling by the second.  My body and mind was exhausted.  I let out a sigh and told her what I could.

“Molly, I can’t talk about what happened.  Not now, maybe not ever, but I miss you.  God, I miss talking to you and Reed so much.  So many times over the last two years, I’ve automatically picked up the phone to tell you both something and then realized I couldn’t.  Right now I’m so fucked up that I don’t even want to deal with my shit.  If you can just give me some time to work some things out, but at the same time be my friend again, I would really appreciate it.  You can’t ask me about what happened yet.  Can you do that Mols?”  I begged her.

Molly looked down and then looked back at me.  Tears ran down her face along with her mascara.  “Yeah Jay, I can do that.  I’ve missed you.”  I grab her and hug her hard.

“Okay no more crying.  I want you to tell me everything I’ve missed with you and Reed.”  She pull back and finally smiles.

We sat outside for hours and she told me about how her and Reed finally hooked up.  Not a shocker there.  She spoke of her and Reed’s future plans, and how they were worried about being separated by their choice of colleges.  The night air turned chilly and I continued to listen.  She did as I asked and didn’t ask me about that night or the following month.

“So are you seeing anyone?  Everyone is guessing that your new boyfriend was the one that beat up JT.”

I didn’t want to talk about that either, but I had to give her something.

“Ugh, that was a total misunderstanding.  He’s really an incredible guy.”  She smiles and knocks my knee with hers.

“Go on, what does this guy look like and do I know him?”  I laugh and was going to tell her what a hottie he was when I remember I totally blew him off this evening.

Jumping up, I look down at her.  “Shit, I just remembered I stood him up.”  I run inside and grab my phone off the kitchen counter.  It was almost ten o’clock at night and I had several text messages from him.

Kane - I’ll meet u outside the gym

Kane - R U coming???

Molly must have followed me inside the house.  “Is he mad at you?”

“I really don’t know.  It’s crazy Molly because I’ve only known him for about a week now, but it feels like so much longer.  We have this crazy connection and when I’m with him, for the first time in years I feel whole.  The only problem is that since he came into my life, everything I’ve built around me is falling apart.  He’s working two jobs and trying to build a company with his brother.  He barely has time for me, much less my emotional complications.”

I hear the roar of a motorcycle outside the window and know instantly who it is.  “Well I guess you are going to meet him.”  In that instant, I realize how red and swollen Molly’s eyes were and knew mine matched hers.  “I’m guessing my face looks as red as yours,” I ask her?

She laughs and says, “Best friends always tell each other the truth and girl you look a hot mess.”  I actually giggle with her.  The doorbell chimed and our laughter grew louder.

She followed me to the front door.  I heard her gasp behind me when she finally saw him through the door.

“Holy hell Jay.  That is one fine man.”

I could only nod in agreement.  When I opened the door, I noticed first off he must have come straight from the gym.  He had on a ragged t-shirt and baggy gym shorts with black tennis shoes.  His eyes went from mad to looking concerned when he saw my face.

“Did something happen Jay?”  He grabs me through the door and pulls me toward him.  Crushing me in a hug, I feel his body tighten and realize he finally sees Molly behind me.  I pull away and introduce them.

“Kane this is my best friend Molly.”  I looked at Molly and she smiles and nods at me. She looked at him and brings her hand up in a little wave.

“Nice to meet you Kane.  Sorry to run, but I’ve got to get home.”  She steps around us and turns back to me.  “I will meet you at your car in the morning.  Okay?”  I nod okay and then she said what we always used to say when leaving each other.  “Great.  Love you. Bye.”

“Love you. Bye.”  I say back.

Kane pull me through the door and shuts it.  He looks at the dark foyer and house.  He narrows his eyes at me.  “Are your parents ever home with you?”  I had already told him my parents traveled with their jobs.

“Not really.”  I was normally glad to be alone.

“You stood me up tonight.  Is this going to be a continuing thing with us?  You know me always wondering if you’re going to show up or not.”

“I am so sorry, Molly came over to talk and to be honest it’s been awhile for us.  Before I knew it, time had flown and I just forgot.”

He looked at me and said, “Next time just text me.  I couldn’t concentrate tonight and all my sparring partners kicked my ass.  Then instead of riding home, I drove straight here.  Sweaty as shit and all.”  He looked great to me.  I step up to kiss him and at the same time my stomach lets out a loud growl.  We both laugh.

“Hungry?” He asked.  I nod and smile up at him.  “So am I.  I was hoping to take you out for a late dinner after the gym.”

I look at him and ask, “Why don’t I fix us something to eat?  How does an omelet sound?”

“Sounds great to me.  Do you care if I grab my stuff and take a shower first?”

I liked the thought of him using my shower.  “Sure.  Grab your stuff and I’ll start cooking.”

He went outside to grab his bag and then followed me to my room.  I notice him looking around, but he never said anything.  My room was very girly with a pink and white shabby chic theme.  Grabbing him a towel, I leave the room.  He didn’t try to stop me, but part of me really wished he would have asked me to join him.

By the time he came back down stairs I had already fixed our omelets and had them ready at the bar.  He had changed into a soft pair of blue jeans and plain blue shirt and was now bare foot.  He sat down and I couldn’t stop staring at him.  He cocked his eye at me and smiled.

“Like what you see?”  He smiles at me and I hand him a bottle of water as I nod my head.

“Yeah, I guess I do.”  He grabs his fork and begins eating.

“This is really good Jay.”

“Thanks.  My dad used to make the best omelets so I guess I learned from him.”

We talked more about my parents and then more about his Mom. He really wanted to move her down here with him and Cole, but he wanted to start building her a house first.  God, I really love a man who loves his mother.

“So when are your parents coming home?”  I was just sitting there trying not to think about how yummy he looked when he ask that question.  Was he asking so he could stay with me tonight?

“A couple more days.”  I swallow hard.  He didn’t say anything for a minute and we both finished our food.  He stood and grabbed our plates, rinsing them and loading into the dishwasher.  I didn’t say anything and just continued to stare at him.  He turned towards me and came to stand right in front of me.

“I’m really tired Jay.  Really tired, but not tired enough for you.”  He leans down and gently kisses my lips.  “Something tells me that this is not the right time for us yet, but I really want to hold you.  I’ve got to get a decent night of sleep and I haven’t done that since I met you.”  I brought my hand up and ran it over his buzzed hair.  It tickled my hand and he closed his eyes.

“Okay, if you can be super-man, and refrain from touching me, I can be your super-woman.”  He laughed at my choice of words.

“Girl, I think you are more my glowing green rock, but I’m going to try.  Let’s go to bed.  I really am dead tired.”  I reach for his hand and let him lead me back upstairs to my room.

“I’m going to take a quick shower and I’ll meet you in bed.”   I noticed him swallow hard and grin.  This wasn’t going to be as easy as he thought it would be.

“Sure,” he said, “but hurry up because I like to snuggle.”  I groan and walk into my bathroom and shut the door.  This was going to be a long night.

I think I broke the record for the fastest shower ever.  One part of me worried that he would come and join me, and the other worried when he didn’t.  I did want to sleep with him, but now I wanted more.  I brushed my wet hair out and rubbed my coconut lotion all over my body.  We would just have to see how he acted when I joined him in my bed.

When I step back into my room, I hear the soft sound of snoring and laugh.  He really was tired and had fallen asleep sitting up against the headboard.  His chest was bare and the cover was pulled to his waist.  I wonder if he had on boxers or briefs?   I tip toed to my side of the bed and pulled the covers back and climbed in.

God he was so beautiful and I just wanted to stare at him.  I wanted to rub my hands all over his chest and kiss every little scar I could see.  Pulling the covers back, I did glance underneath.  Darn, he wears briefs.  Smiling, I gently wake him.  “Lay down with me.”  He never opened his eyes as he turned toward me and scooted down in the bed.  I turn my back to his chest and he pulls me closer spooning his body to mine.  I didn’t think I could fall asleep like this, but before I knew it I was out.

I was in the school gym in one of the back closets.  We kept paint there for the cheerleaders to make spirit signs for school.  Everyone had left after practice, but I was meeting Molly and Reed for dinner so I needed to waste some time.  I thought I would make some posters for the upcoming first game.  We were just sophomores and JT was going to be starting as quarterback and I was so proud of him.  The closet was actually large enough that I could sit down and paint there.

I heard a knock at the door and looked up and he was standing there.  “Hey.”  I smiled up at him.  Molly was right, he did have the prettiest eyes.  “What are you still doing here?”  I asked him when he walked into the closet and closed the door and locked it.  Later I would realize that I didn’t even question him locking the door.  He squatted down next to me and raised his hand and brushed the hair out of my eyes.  I jerked back.  He had touched me before.  Brief grazes against my arm in the hallways.   Nothing improper just little brushes here and there, but didn’t he do that with everyone?

“James, you don’t have to pretend with me anymore baby.  I know what you want and we don’t have to tell JT”   What was he talking about?  His eyes didn’t look friendly anymore.  In fact they looked hard and something gleamed in them.  Want?  Need?  Lust?  Hate?  I jump up and in a second he lunged and had my arms pinned above my body in one hand and I was flat against the floor.  His other covered my mouth and his body lay heavy on top of mine.

“Shut up James, nobody is going to hear you.  It’s just you in me in the gym.  The entire football team is on the field practicing and everyone else is gone.  You knew this was coming.  I’m just going to get a little taste of what you give JT all the time.  Just a little taste.”

His breathing was becoming heavy. “I’m going to move my hand and if you scream I’m going to hit you.  If someone was to find us, they’re not going to believe you Jay.  They’re going to believe me.  Everyone can see how you flaunt your shit all around school.  You are such a fucking cock tease.”  He moved his hand away from my mouth and I was too paralyzed with fear to say anything or move.  He flipped my t-shirt above my chest and covered my face leaving it there.  He undid my bra clasp and bit down on my nipple roughly.  I cried out in pain.

“Shut the fuck up and don’t make a sound.”  He did the same to the other and I bit my lip to hold the cry back.  He pulled my shorts and panties down.  “Sweet Jesus Jay.  I bet you make JT want to come every time he looks at your naked little body.”  He moved my arms down to either side of me.

Suddenly, the fight and flight instinct took over and I tried to fight him off.  I raised my arms and started hitting him and I tried to buck his body off.  He squeezed my arms harshly and started to shake my body against the floor.  My head snapped back against the concrete and pain radiated through my body.  My vision wavered and the shirt over my face had come down.  His face was twisted not in pain, but in a sick pleasure.  He was loving this.

“Fight me.  I want you to.”  My body felt so heavy and I was so tired.  My stomach started to turn and I could feel vomit rise in the back of my throat.  His hands roamed lower grabbing my legs and squeezing hard.  He leaned back and pulled his shorts down then he leaned forward and reared over me.  One quick thrust into me and I screamed from the pain.  “Shit.”  He looked down at me and laughed covering my mouth again with his hand.  “Guess JT wasn’t getting it after all.”  He began moving and the pain was unbearable.  My vision blurred and I let the darkness take me away.

Hands shook my body, bringing me wide awake.  “Wake up Jay.  It is okay baby, I’m here.”  Kane’s voice whispers over my soft cries.  My face was buried in his chest and he kissed the top of my head as his arms strokes my back comforting me.  I snuggle closer and let myself be carried back to sleep feeling safe.

Chapter 6

The sun streamed through my bedroom windows, softy lighting his face as he lay next to me.  His features were so strong, but in the soft light they were so beautiful.  We were facing each other with his hands wrapped around my waist.  Kane slept so peacefully and that peace spread to me.  I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

I lean forward and lightly kiss the tip of his nose.  The sides of his mouth lift upward into a smile and his eyes flutter open their green orbs still sleepy from his slumber.  “Hi,” he whispers.

“Hi back.”  I say and grin.  We stare at each other for minutes.  He raises his hand from my waist and his finger outlines my face.  I close my eyes just enjoying the moment.

My mind goes back to last night and I realize that he’s the first to hold me after a nightmare.  Normally when I have that particular dream I don’t go back to sleep and my mind refuses to shut down.  It plays over and over in my head, but last night he held me and I went back to sleep in his arms feeling safe, loved and maybe even cherished.

With my eyes still closed I feel his lips trace the same outline his finger traced.  I feel a tear squeeze out of my left eye and glide down my cheek.  His lips capture it and drink it away.  “Please don’t cry,” he begs.  I open my eyes and look into his concerned ones.

“It’s a happy tear,” my voice chokes back.  He brings his lips back to mine and our gazes lock as he kisses me.  He pulls back first.

“I can wait for you Jay.  My body hurts for yours, but I’ll wait for you.”  I move towards his lips again, wanting him to know that I’m ready for him.  I am ready for us.  Against my mouth he whispers, “Not yet.  You’re getting there.  I want you mind, body and soul.  Do you understand what I am saying Jay?”

Staring into his eyes, I do understand.  What is between us is more than just now, and it scares me to death and I pull back.

“I guess I need to get dressed for school.”  Sitting up, I don’t answer his question.  He will not pressure me now and I know this.  Walking into my bathroom, I begin to brush my teeth.  Within minutes, he is standing next to me reaching for my toothbrush.  He rinses it and applies more toothpaste, I watch as he brushes his teeth, staring at his reflection in the mirror the whole time.  He finally rinses his mouth and turns to me.

“Do you want me to come back tonight and stay?”  The question catches me off guard for a minute.

“Do you want to?”  I ask, realizing that I do want him to come back.  He looks at me and nods his head yes.

“Yes, I want to sleep next to you.  Plus I hate the idea that you are here alone.”  I smile at him.  “Okay, my turn to cook you dinner tonight.”  He leans in and kisses my cheek and smiles back at me.  “See you tonight babe,” he says and walks away.

I thought of that smile all morning as I dressed and left for school.   Kane wants more from me than just my body or one night.  The strangest part for me is that I want to give it to him.  He makes me want a future.  He makes me want to let the past go, but how am I supposed to do that when all of the sudden everyone from my past wants the truth.  I hate the saying that “the truth can set you free”.  The truth can’t set you free.  It can fuck my future fifty ways to Sunday.  In my mind the horror has already happened and no one can take it back.  Having the whole school, my friends and family know will only make everything worse.

I park my car and get out.  I see Molly and Reed walking toward me with Molly practically dragging him behind her.  She is grinning from ear to ear, but Reed looks leery of me.  Can’t really say I blame him

As Molly finally approaches me, she lets go of him and grabs me around my neck and hugs me.  I look up and then smile at Reed.

“I guess Hell finally froze over, huh?” He asked, but at the same time steps up and wraps his arms around Molly and me.  We all laugh.  Moments later, when we finally all pull back, Molly smiles at me as she reaches for Reed’s hand.

“I told Reed about our talk last night.  We want things the way they were.”  Molly said.

Reed looks at me and says, “We’ve missed you Jay.  I agree that we just go forward from here and enjoy our senior year together.”

“That works for me.  I love you guys and I’ve really missed you.”  I lean forward and kiss both of their cheeks.  We link arms and head into school talking about nothing important, but suddenly it means everything to me.

I finally make it to first period and Cal is sending me that big grin of his.  “What are you smiling at?”  I can’t help but ask and smile back at him.

“Looks like someone is finally removing that gigantic stick out of her ass and moving on,” he answers.  I know he’s being funny and I roll my eyes at him.  Though, of course he had to ruin the moment and continues, “Have you thought about coming out to support JT on Friday?”  I shake my head no to him and I turn away.

The day flies by.  I sat with Molly and Reed during lunch and it was like the last two years never happened.  They didn’t push for answers and we didn’t talk about JT.  We talked about their relationship, the future and of course Molly wanted to know everything about Kane.  I think I smiled and laughed more today than I have in years.

Reed noticed Rhye staring at me during lunch.  “Ok Jay, I have to ask this.  What the hell is up with you and Rhye?  Dude is staring you up like you are his last supper.  I’ve noticed him doing this for a while.  What gives?”

My eyes follow Reed’s to see Rhye sitting across the lunchroom watching me.  When he knows he has my attention he stands and nods his head and walks out the door.  I turn back to Reed and Molly.

“Just a mess I created for myself.  I don’t think he’s used to a girl not falling all over him.”  Neither one of them have anything to say to that.

At the end of the day, the final bell rings and I meet up again with Molly and Reed walking out to the parking lot.  “Just like old times,” Molly says and smiles at me and I have to agree.  “Do you want to go have pizza with Reed and me tonight?”

“I really would Mols, but Kane is cooking dinner for me.”  I know I can’t keep the grin off my face and she laughs.

“Ah, young love.  I can forgive you for that.  How about tomorrow we go downtown dancing?  Reed and I haven’t went out to a club in forever and you can bring MacHottie with you.”

Laughing back at her I say, “I’ll ask him, but either way it’s a date.”

We get to my car and Molly notices before I do what’s waiting for me on my car.  I see the slip of white paper and this time a single red flower is with it.  My stomach instantly turns and I feel the blood leave my face. My body freezes.

“Ooh, someone has a love note.”  I watch as Molly grabs the note and opens it before I can say or do anything.    Glancing at Reed I notice that he is watching me.  His eyes grow as he sees the panic in mine.  Too late to unfreeze myself and grab the note from Molly I hear her gasp.

“What the hell is this Jay?” Molly looks upset and Reed steps to grab the note from her while I grab it from Molly before he can.  I open it to read and my body shakes with fury.

I think it’s about time for round two.  I can’t wait to take that tight little body again.  I’m coming for you.  Will you fight me again or just let me have it this time?

Reed jerks the paper from my hands and reads it.  I’m too ashamed and mad to say anything.  “What is this Jay?”  He yells at me and continues. “How long has Rhye been bothering you with this shit?”  My head jerks toward his.  “How long as he been stalking you and leaving these notes?”  I guess he noticed the surprise on my face.  His voice lowers and he asks, “Are they even from him or someone else?”

Grabbing the note back from him I look at them both and shove it in my front pocket.

“It’s just his sick and twisted way of getting to me.  It just threw me for a second.”  I smile the biggest fake smile I could.  “He’s an asshole. We send these stupid notes back and forth.  It’s just a twisted game between us.”

Reed looks right at me and he sounds so sad.  “When did rape become a joke?”

I gasp and stutter, “Th-that’s not it.  It wasn’t like that Reed.  Just don’t read anything into this okay?  Please?”  My voice begs him and so did my eyes.  Looking at Molly I could see the pity in her eyes and she shakes her head at me.  “I’ve got to go guys.  I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

Not waiting for either of them to respond, I jump in my car and start to pull away only glancing up once in my rear view mirror.  Molly was leaning into Reed for a hug and he was staring back at me.  They finally faded from my view the faster I drove away.  Isn’t that what I always did lately?  I ran away from everyone and everything.  Once I started thinking everything was getting easier, I realize this shit was never going to end.

I drove to the lake.  There is this spot that JT would always take me to so we could just sit and talk. It’s a wooded area that has a gentle slope to the water.  Parking my car I get out and sit on the back of it.  It was so quiet and so peaceful here.

What was the point to all this pain?  Having to either feel it or deal with it, hurt too many people that I loved.  It hurt me.  The notes were because he wanted me to hurt.  He really got off on that.  I didn’t turn him in and it gave him power over me.  Doesn’t he know that I would end it all before I would tell anyone?

Two weeks ago I could have told you just how and where I would end this life.  My life didn’t mean anything to me anymore.  The only thing that mattered was the control that I had over it.  I swore when I lost that again, it would be time.  I pretty much had ended all ties to those that I love so that my death wouldn’t hurt that much and what have done?  I’ve ruined all that.  These past couple of weeks, I’ve re-attached those ties and made new ones.

My phone chirps alerting me to a text message.  I pull it out of my pocket and see that it’s from Kane.

Kane - how was school?  working late tonight but will try to be at your house by 9...late dinner okay?

I place the phone beside me.  What am I doing?  Could I hurt this beautiful man?  Would I want to see his beautiful eyes dim toward me if he were to learn my secrets?  I look back over the water and that’s when I hear a car pulling in behind me.  I turn and notice immediately that it’s JT’s truck.  He should be at football practice.  What is he doing here?  He jumps out of the truck and marches right up to me.  His face is red and the rage pours off of him.

“Why aren’t you at football practice?” I ask trying to deflect his anger.

“Fuck football practice.  What did that motherfucker Rhye do?  Don’t you lie to me again Jay.  I swear, I will beat you to within an inch of your life if you do, and then you’ll have a valid reason to be scared of me,” he yells in my face.

JT is so angry and his jaw tightens as he grinds his teeth together.  I know that I need to calm him down.  Placing both of my hands on his shoulders I calmly say to him.  “Calm down JT. I’ll talk to you, but you have to calm down.”  He looks at my hands and then back at me.  I notice he takes a deep breath.

“Reed told me about the note.  I was watching you all day.  God, you and Molly and Reed talking again just gave me hope for me and you.  I watched what happened in the parking lot.  After you left I cornered Reed and made him tell me why you all looked upset.  He told me about the note and flower on your car.  Molly said she only grabbed it off your car and read it because she thought your new boyfriend had left it for you, but Reed said it wasn’t from him.  He thinks that Rhye left it.  Is that who forced you Jay?  Was he the one that took you away from me?”

I gasped.  “It wasn’t like that with Rhye.”  JT narrows his eyes at me and I continue, “He didn’t force me JT and he wasn’t my first.”  I knew I had to give him something and that was as close to the truth as I could get for now.  He backed away from me and turned around.  He stood staring at the lake.

“So what, you like it rough then?  Does it get you off that someone has to take it?  Is that what I’m missing?”  His voice was low and he still faced away from me.  His hands were gripping his waist tightly.  JT’s next question was low but I still heard it. “I was supposed to be your first Jay.  Why wasn’t I your first?”

Jumping from the car I walk to stand behind him.  A love so intense fills me.  I still loved this boy that stood in front of me.  For the life of me I wish I didn’t, but I did.  I place my hand on the middle of his back and whisper to him, “I was saving me for you.”  His body started shaking with emotion and he tried to turn around, but I wouldn’t let him yet.  “No don’t turn around.  I just want you to listen to me and I don’t want you to look at me.”  I stroke his hard muscular back shoulder to shoulder and he lowers his head to his chest.

“I know you’ve guessed what happened.  I’m not going to lie to you anymore and say it didn’t.  God knows JT that I’ve lied to everyone and I have my reasons.  If I could go back and change time I would, but I can’t.  I’ve begged you to move on.  You have to or you will destroy me and you both.  I can’t talk about it.  I can only beg you to let it go.  Please dear Lord, just let it go.”

His breathing halted and I could feel it from my hands on his back.  “Why didn’t you tell me?  Why Jay?”

Clearing my voice I continue to rub his back not sure if I was comforting him or myself.  My body was warming and I was standing so close to him I could see the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

“I was ruined for you JT.  I wanted to come to you whole.  I was ashamed and then things just continued to get worse.  The longer I ignored you the easier to break away it became, but I never stopped loving you.  I can’t stop loving you.”  My voice whispered to him.

He suddenly turned around, but didn’t touch me.  We stood almost nose to nose.  Looking into those clear blue eyes I knew I would always love him.  That he would always hold a huge part of my heart forever.

“You still love me,” he stated.  It wasn’t a question because I knew he already saw the answer in my eyes.  He slowly brought his hand up and rubbed the tips of his fingers across my lips.  Closing my eyes, I feel his lips on mine.  Lightly he kisses me, but he keeps his arms at his side.  He speks in between kisses, “I love you Jay.  I’ve always loved only you.  Please just love me.”  His words rip me apart.  How much damage had I caused this beautiful boy?  I owe him this and I want to give him a little part of me.  Just enough to heal him, but I couldn’t think about what it would cost me.

Reaching for his face, I cradle his cheeks in my hands.  The bruises are a faded green color now where Kane had hit him.  My mouth finds his and I kiss him.  He groans but he doesn’t reach for me. Years fall away and I remember with a vengeance how much he was a part of my life.  Sucking on his tongue he finally grabs my hips, but he doesn’t pull me toward him.  Instead he pushes me away.  My breath was coming in pants and so was his.

“That is the second hardest thing I’ve ever done,” he stated between breaths.  “I have to be sure Jay.  Are you choosing me over him?  Is that what this is?”

I know he means Kane.  His eyes pray for me to answer his questions with a yes and I want to, but I was confused.  Turning around, I walk toward the lake’s shoreline.  The sun was mirrored on the water and it gleamed gold.  He came and stood behind me.

“Do you know what I miss more than anything?”  He speaks softly behind my ear.  “I miss that you were my best friend, and we told each other everything.  It didn’t matter how corny or stupid it was.  You always listened, and you never laughed.  We would come out here and just talk for hours.  When you walked away, I had no one to talk to.  No one Jay.”  He pauses and I don’t know what to say.  The silence was killing me though.

“I love you JT, but I think I love him too.  This is such a mess and I didn’t plan this.  I honest to God thought I was over you and now just realizing I never was.”  Lifting my hands I cover my eyes.    He steps up behind me and pulls my back against his chest.  Wrapping his arms around me, I lean back against him.   He kisses the top of my head and lowers his mouth to my ear.

“I have one question for you.  Can you give me just as much of a chance to be with you as you give him?  I don’t want to say that you owe me that, but if I have to fight dirty for you I just might.  Please Jay, I’m asking that you just give us the chance that we should have had in the first place.”

How could I not give him this chance?  I had to do it for both of us and maybe it would give him and I both the closure we needed.  Nodding my head yes I turn toward him.

“I have to be honest with Kane and tell him.”  JT nods his head at me and leans down to kiss me.  His kiss is gentle and I lean back.

“I can wait. Honestly Jay, I was planning on waiting forever anyway.”

Smiling up at him I return, “You were huh?”  He smiles back at me.

“I’ll take you anyway I can get you Jay.”

Our conversation was broken by the ringing of his cellphone.  I think it had been ringing for a while, but we ignored it with our little drama going on.

“JT you need to get that.”  He groans to let go of me and reaches for his phone.

“Shit,” he says as he glances down and reads his text message.  “Jay, I’ve got to get back to practice.  Coach is threatening to bench me for the first game if I don’t go back now.  Can I come by your house tonight?”

“Kane is coming over.  I need to talk with him.”  I could tell he was pissed, but he tried to hide it.

“Well just promise me this.  Don’t be with him, okay?  If you are really going to give us a chance can you please just promise me that?”  Looking at him I decide that a little more honesty would help.

“We haven’t had sex yet, if that’s what you’re asking.”  His eyes fill with relief and I finish, “I promise that until we decide about us, I will not cross that line, but I don’t want to use either of you and I’m not going to lie, I do have strong feelings for him.”

He kisses me fast and pulls back.  “I just want one more chance with you.  Like I said, I’ll take it any way I can get it. The only thing I ask Jay is that you’re honest with me.”  He kisses me once more and says, “I’ll text you later.”  Walking toward his truck he looks back once more before getting in and driving away.

What did I just do?  I lean against my car and shake my head.  What was I going to tell Kane?  I have really strong feelings for him and I didn’t want to let him go, but I love JT.  I had to talk with Kane.  Damn, I forgot he texted me earlier.

Me – That’s fine…See you tonight…

I would talk with him tonight, but damned if I knew what I would say.

Chapter 7

It was dark when I pulled into my drive way.  I had driven around for a while after I left the lake with no set destination.  I had stopped by the deli near my house on the way home and bought some sandwiches for Kane.  Texting him when I was there to let him know that I had dinner covered.  I brought everything into the house and went ahead and laid them out on the kitchen counter.  It was close to nine o’clock and Kane should be here shortly.  My phone vibrated in my pocket.

JT – I love you Jay.

Closing my eyes I take a deep breath.  What have I done and what am I going to say to Kane?  My thoughts were interrupted by his voice.  I had left the front door unlocked for him.

“Jay, where are you?”

“I’m in the kitchen,” I answer him.  He walks in smiling and his cloths were dirty.  His shirt and pants were covered in dust.  Leaning in he gives me a kiss and looks hungrily at the spread of food on the counter.

“Goodness I’m starving, but I want a shower first.  I’m going to run upstairs and then I’ll come down and eat with you, okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”  He kisses me again and turns to run upstairs.

Moving around the kitchen, I take out the plates.  Opening the fridge I grab him a beer and set it on the counter.  He was back before I had everything opened and out.

“Thanks for getting dinner,” he said as he reaches for me and kisses me so deeply that my knees go weak.  He pulls himself away and looks me in the eyes.  “What’s wrong Jay?  I can tell something is bothering you.”  I push him away and shake my head no.

“Let’s just eat.  What can I fix you?”

“Stop Jay.”  I look up at him.  “First, we are going to talk about whatever it is that is bothering you.”

I sigh and sit down on the bar stool.  “I had a talk with JT today.”  He looks at me, waiting for me to continue, “Things are just so complicated with us.  He wants me to give him another chance.”   Kane leans back against the counter and crosses his arms and legs.

“Did you tell him that you had a boyfriend now?”  His eyes never leave mine.

I lifted my eyebrows and ask, “I have a boyfriend?”

“Fuck yeah you have a boyfriend.  Damn Jay, did you not listen to me this morning?”

“I think I would have remembered if you had said you were my boyfriend.  In fact, the only thing I’ve heard clearly is that you don’t want anything serious.”

He leans up and uncrosses his legs and arms.  “I didn’t want anything serious, but I keep ending back here with you.  Seems to me that question was already answered.  So what did you tell him?”

I close my eyes and whisper, “I told him that I thought I might be in love with you.”  Looking up I see Kane’s eye grow warm, but they snap shut when I finish, “but I also told him that I just realized today that I was still in love with him too.”

His voice was low when he asked his next question, “Who do you want to be with Jay?  That’s what I want to know.”

“I don’t know Kane.  We’ve just met, but part of me feels like I’ve known you forever and I do have deep feelings for you.  You have to understand, there were things that happened that pulled JT and me apart.  There was never any closure for us and we need that.  I owe that to him.”

“You don’t owe him anything.  Just answer me Jay.  Me or him?  It’s one or the other because it sure as hell isn’t both.”  His eyes now were hard and he was pissed.

“I want you Kane, but I promised to give him a chance.”  I went to grab his arm, but he pulled away from me.

“That’s not how it works Jay.  You can’t be with me while you decide if you want to be with him.”  He was shaking his head and started to walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs.  I followed him.

“Kane, you don’t understand.  Please just stop and listen to me.”  I walk behind him into my bedroom where he must have unpacked an overnight bag earlier.  He begins packing everything back up.  Grabbing his shaving kit before he can touch it, I hold it away from him.  “Please just give me five seconds.”

He stands with his hands on his hips and asks, “Him or me Jay?  Tell me now.”  I start to panic because I knew he would walk out forever and I didn’t want to lose him.

“You Kane.  It’s you that I need to be with.”  Reaching for him I try to kiss his mouth, but he turns his face from me.

“You need to be with me Jay or do you want to be with me?  Which is it because to me it makes a difference?  I’ve come to care so much for you in such short period of time, more than anyone else before you. I don’t want to get hurt Jay, and just so we are clear, you can hurt me.”

I look deep into those eyes and say what was in my heart.  “I said need because with every fiber of my being I feel that you and I were meant to be together.  That all this pain and fear that I have experienced would be worth it for just one moment with you.  If you want me to say that I want to be with you than that’s true also.  I want you so bad that my mind and body hungers for you so much that just one look, one word from you, and my body goes up in flames.  I want you Kane and I desperately need you.”

Kane reaches for me and kisses me hard.  His mouth devouring mine and we both start trying to undress each other as the fire rages higher.  I push his shirt up and off and he tries to unbutton my shirt and finally gives up and rips it open.  Buttons jump everywhere landing on the floor, but his lips never leave mine.  My hands went to his shorts and I tug them down as he steps out of them.  Staring into his eyes the entire time, he finally pulls his mouth from mine.  He unsnaps my shorts and they drift down my legs, leaving me in only my bra and panties and him in his briefs.

“Jay,” my name comes out like a prayer.  “Be mine.  Be only mine,” he whispers to me.

“Yes Kane, only yours.”  I answer and his eyes close.  He leans in and kisses me gently, clasping both of my hands at my side.  His soft lips move across my eyes and tears spring behind them.  My hands ache to touch him so I try and pull my hands free, but he keeps our hands locked together.  Finally his eyes slowly open and I see what is shining so brightly within them.

“I love you too,” the words leave me.

He groans and finally releases my hands so he can pick me up.  I wrap my legs tightly around his waist and one of my hands wrap around his neck, while the other runs across his shaved head.  He carries me to the bed and lies down on top of me.  Unhooking my bra he pulls it away and his breathing changes becoming heavier.  Kissing down my neck to my chest, he slips his hand under the edge of my panties and starts to drag them down.  Suddenly he moves his hand and mouth away from me as I try to pull him back.

“Please don’t stop Kane,” I beg him.

“Listen Jay, someone is ringing your door bell like crazy.”  I am so lost in us that it takes a minute to hear what he is saying.

“I don’t care Kane.  Please don’t stop.”  I could tell he was warring with himself.

“We have to make sure it’s not important Baby and since this is your house that means you have to go down there, but I’m going with you”.  He kisses my mouth softly one more time before he stands up and lifts me with him. Kane goes to my dresser and grabs a tee and cotton shorts for me.  Not saying a word he puts the shirt on me without a bra and then he has me step into the shorts.  He dresses himself quickly.  When we are both ready, he grabs my hand heading downstairs.

“Quit pouting Jay.  It just makes me want you more.”  He smiles back at me and stops to kiss me.

I didn’t see anybody standing in front of the door at first, but then all of a sudden it dawns on me that it could be JT.  How the hell could I forget about JT?  I had promised him that I would not sleep with Kane and that’s what I almost did.  What kind of person was I?  Am I so broken that I couldn’t keep one promise to the person that deserved it most?  Kane stood behind me as I opened the door.

Holding my breath I know I’m going to see JT, but it wasn’t him that sat on my doorstop.  It was Rhye and he was drunk or high.  He stood up swaying and laughed.

“What the fuck Rhye?”

“I hear it’s more like rape than fucking.  Though the last time we were together if I remember correctly it was more of YOU raping ME.”

Kane steps around me to see who it is.  He looks at me and asks, “What does this fucker want?”

“Rapist,” Rhye slurs out.  “Evidently according to your girl here, that’s what I am.  Really Jay, why don’t you just stab me in the heart?  It’s got to be better than hearing that you told people that I raped you.  It was never like that with us.  Why would you lie and tell anyone that I forced you?”  His voice broke and tears came to his eyes.  “I fucking love you Jay.  Don’t you know that?”

My jaw fell open.  I knew that Rhye wanted to have sex with me, but I really didn’t think he cared about me, much less loved me.  He seemed to sober up a little as he stared at me.

“What Jay?  You didn’t think I had any feelings?  Forget you.  Yeah, I messed up and slept with that groupie, but Jay I only did it because when you were with me, the whole time I knew you wished it was JT. The night before I slept with her, you called out his name when you were with me.  That killed me Jay.  I was already half in love with you then.”

Kane stiffened next to me, so I quickly ask, “How did you get here Rhye?  You didn’t drive yourself did you?”

“Why do you care Jay?  You’ve been on a one way road to self-destruct since you broke up with JT.  Everyone knows it.”  He looked over me to Kane.  “Ever ask about her future?  She doesn’t have one planned.  You want to know why?  She doesn’t plan on being here.”  He laughs and looks at me.  “What you thought that was a secret Jay?  I bet you’ve already have it all planned.”

Visibly, I blanch at his words.  My mouth goes dry and my stomach churns.  I turn toward Kane and he went from watching Rhye to watching me.

“What’s he talking about Jay?  Why don’t you plan on being here?   Where do you plan on going?”  I watch the different scenarios run across his face, until he must have come across the same one Rhye was thinking.  Before he could say anything I turn back toward Rhye.

My hand reaches out and slaps him hard across the face.  I don’t know who was more surprised me, Rhye or Kane.  Rhye grabs his face and looks at me.  His face went white.

“Shit Jay.  I’m sorry.  JT came down to the bar wanting to kick my ass and we started to fight.  Of course the band pulled us apart and he said why he was pissed.  It just hurt to hear what you said Jay.  He left and I got hammered and Chris drove me here.”

“So you have a ride home.  Good.  Then get off my doorstep.  Don’t ever talk to me again Rhye.  I apologize for what JT said, but I told him that you didn’t rape me.  That what happened between you and me was consensual.  I’ll make sure to set anyone else straight on that matter, but stay away from me.”

I step back into the house grabbing Kane as I go.  He allows me to pull him in and shut the door.  Walking away from him I turn to go into the kitchen.  All the food was still on the counter where I had left it.  Picking up a sandwich and a pickle, I place it on a plate sitting down at the bar as Kane walks in and grabs the other stool beside me.

We sit in silence not looking at each other.  Kane places his clasped hands on top of the counter.  He starts to speak and then shakes his head and doesn’t say anything.  I push the food around on my plate, not realizing that silent tears are falling down my face.  Feeling ashamed I can’t even look at Kane, but we both continue to sit there ignoring each other.  Finally he reaches for my hand.  I look up into his face and unshed tears stare back at me.

“I had the tattoo put on my neck to remind me to always be true to me.  Not to let others bring me down and to live my life my way.  Shit happens in life Jay.  You can let it destroy you or you can fight back and live life to the fullest,” he pauses and takes a deep breath.  “Believe it or not my freshman year in high school I was a scrawny little shit.  My best friend Matt and I took a lot of crap from upper classman picking on both of us because of our size.  We hadn’t hit our growth spurt yet, and Matt never would because he got tired of the bullies at our school and one night shot himself.”

His voice broke, but he continued, “It killed me.  My best friend since we were kids ended his life leaving me alone.  I can tell you Jay that nothing that happens in this life is worth killing yourself over.  Time passes and you can decide to change your future.  You don’t let what some assholes say or do direct you.  In this life it only matters what you do with it.”

Kane stands up pulling me into his arms.  He picks me up and cradles me to his chest and I wrap my arms around his neck.  Slowly he carries me upstairs to my bedroom and lays me on my bed.  He slides next to me and wraps me in his arms.  Holding me tight the exhaustion envelops me and I close my eyes to fall into a deep sleep.

My hand shields the bright light from my eyes.  When it finally dims I look around me to see that I’m standing back inside the white room.  I’m alone and I look around for a way out, but there are no doors.  I close my eyes tightly and that’s when I feel him behind me.  Slipping his arms around my waist he presses his body close to mine and speaks into my ear.  “No one will love you but me when they find out what you’ve done.  They will all blame you and call you a whore.  A murderer.  You’re losing control James.  Are you ready to join me yet?”

He holds his hand out and I look down into his palm.  Multi-colored pills fill it.  He brings them to my mouth, but I turn my head away and he laughs.  His voice whispers, “I can wait.”

Chapter 8

The sound of my phone vibrating wakes me from sleep in the morning.  Rolling around I see that Kane is not beside me.  I grab my phone to read my new text message.

Kane – Need to get to work early.  Didn’t want to wake you.  We’ll talk later.

Not wanting to think about last night, I get up and dress quickly for school just throwing on some skinny jeans and shirt.  I can’t imagine what Kane thinks about me.  My mind refuses to go there.  Too much, way too fast it screams at me. Running downstairs I grab my book bag and head out the door.

Molly is waiting alone for me in the parking lot when I get to school.  She smiles at me when I step out of my car.

“I’m a shit.”  She says and continues, “I shouldn’t have read your note.  It wasn’t any of my business and I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too Mols, but I need you to know that that note wasn’t from Rhye.  I’m sorry if I mislead you or Reed into thinking that was who wrote it.”  I could tell she was confused because of the look on her face.  “Listen I’ve got way bigger problems this morning and I may need your help.”

“What is it Jay?  You know I am here for you.”

Looking into her eyes, I see that statement to be true.  “Okay, just hear me out and then help me figure out what I am going to do.”  I tell her about JT’s and my conversation and then everything that happened last night with Kane and Rhye.  When I finally finish she looks at me and places her head in her hands.

“This is all my fault.  I shouldn’t have reacted like that yesterday and damn Reed for saying anything to JT.”

“Mols, it’s okay.  I just have to figure out what I am going to do about all of them.”

“Who do you want to be with?”

“See that’s the problem.  I thought I was over JT and now I know I’m not, but I’m also in love with Kane.  He makes me feel safe and he doesn’t represent anything from my past like JT does.  When I look at JT, I think about what we used to have, but when I see Kane I know what I want now.  I feel like I owe JT a chance for us, but Kane says I don’t.  I’m just so confused.”

“Jay you can’t do this to JT.  He will not survive losing you again.  I can tell you really care about Kane and trust me girl I’ve seen him and know why you feel that way, but part of me feels that if you think there is any chance for you and JT, then you owe him that.  I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel.  He loves you so much Jay.  Think about what you have put him through?”

I know what she is saying.  I hear someone call my name and I look up.  Walking towards me is the reason I am feeling so conflicted.  JT has on a pair of faded jeans and t-shirt with the school logo on it.  He also has the biggest smile I have ever seen.

Molly pats my arm and says, “Think of that little boy from kindergarten that told you he was going to marry you one day and always stayed true to that.”  She walks away smiling at JT.

“I’m not sure what to do Jay.  My arms ache to pull you to me right now.  I want to kiss you in front of everyone and claim you, but I’m kind-of lost as to what you want me to do.”  He stops in front of me and crosses his arms against his chest.

“We take it slow and one day at a time.  No fighting, yeah I know about you and Rhye.  He came to the house last night.  Don’t ask me about Kane and I will not talk to him about you.”  I still need time to figure out what I was going to do, but Molly was right.  I can’t keep hurting JT and telling him that I am going to be with Kane would kill him.

“Alright Jay, we’ll play this your way.  Can I walk you to class?”

“Lead the way,” I say to him and smile.

He wraps his arm around my shoulder and we walk towards the school.  I see the surprised looks as we pass students and teachers.  A group of young freshman girls actually giggle and stare as we walk by.

JT laughs and turns his face toward mine.  “Can you imagine all the gossip by lunch time?”

“Ugh, I don’t want to think about it.  The rumor mill will probably have me pregnant with your baby.”

“I’ll confirm that the twins are due in the spring,” he jokes and kisses my cheek.

“Well you better get that football scholarship so you make it to the big time to support us.”  I nudge his ribs with my elbow.

We arrive at my first period class and Cal just happens to be at the door.  He smiles when he sees us together.

“What do we have here?  It can’t be my two favorite people actually getting along and not fighting?  The world is surely coming to an end.”  He slaps JT playfully on the arm.  “Coach wants us to meet with him next period.”

“I’ll be there,” JT replies and turns away from Cal toward me.  “See you at lunch?”

“Sure,” I said as I turn away and head into class.  Cal comes in after me and sits right by me.  He’s grinning from ear to ear.  I can’t help asking him, “Why are you smiling?”

“All is right in the world.  What’s not to be happy about?”

I shake my head.  His happiness is infectious, but it doesn’t last.  Class starts and my mind tunes out to think about what I am doing.  I meant it last night when I told Kane that I wanted and needed him.  My mind and body belong to him, but part of me longs for JT.  In my heart I know that I can’t turn away from JT without finding out if we do have a future, but what am I going to do about Kane?  I’m worried about him leaving this morning without talking to me.

The bell rings and class is dismissed.  When I arrive in second period Rhys is already in his seat.  He looks up at me and then looks back down.  I decide that we both need to cool off.  My mind is still going over what he said to me last night.  Even though he spoke the truth, I can’t believe he said it out loud.

I think back to what Kane said to me about his friend.  He had lost someone he cared about.  Could I ever really put someone through that?  Do I still feel the same way?  So many thoughts were going through my head and for the rest of the morning, I just move on automatic.  I didn’t see JT or Molly until lunch.

When I walk into the cafeteria, Molly waves me over to her and Reed.  He stands when I walk over and leans in to hug me.  “Sorry Jay.”

“It’s okay Reed,” I say to him.  I knew he was talking about the note and telling JT.

I sit on the other side of Molly and before I can talk to her my chair is pulled back.

JT leans over and kisses me on my lips in front of everyone.  I’m too stunned to do anything but respond, which I automatically do.  His kiss is familiar and my body reacts to it.  My arms go up and around his neck.  There is definitely still something between us.  I lose myself just a little to him.

The sound of clapping snaps me out of the passionate kiss.   Stunned I turn around and see that almost every single student in the cafeteria including Molly and Reed are standing there clapping and whistling.  Cal was the loudest with his whooping and hollering. I even see Mrs. Davis smile as she walks by pretending not to see.  JT is looking down at me and pulls me to standing.  A laugh escapes me.

“Do you think we should give them an encore,” he asks?  He didn’t wait for my answer and captured my mouth again.  This kiss is a tad sweeter and softer.  I can’t help but melt.  This moment feels like it’s supposed to happen.  He pulls back from me and whispers gently in my ear.  “Please tell me you feel it Jay.  That this is where you and I should have been all along?  Don’t tell me it’s just me.”

“JT,” I start to say, but words get stuck in my throat.  I nod my head yes and I hear him gasp.  He grips me tighter and hugs me closer.

By now everyone has sat down to eat.  We are still receiving glances and Molly is beaming at me.  Reed still looks pretty leery and I don’t’ blame him.  My feelings are all over the place.  Can you be bipolar in love?  That’s how I feel.  One part of me only loves Kane and the other part has always been JT’s.

JT sits down in my chair and pulls me onto his lap and wraps his arms around me.  He won’t stop looking at me and I can feel my cheeks are blushing.

“Quit staring at me,” I tell him.

“Damn Jay, when did you grow up and become this beautiful woman?  I’m sorry I kissed you in front of everyone, but I walk into the cafeteria and there you are and I didn’t see anyone else.  You were just sitting here and I needed to kiss you.”  He blushed and said, “My heart jumped when I saw you.  That’s how much you mean to me.”  I placed my finger across his lips to halt his words.

“I know JT.  You’re not the only one feeling it.”  He grips me closer to him and kisses the top of my head.

“Ok, you guys I can’t stand it anymore.  Talk.  I need some answers.”  Molly is almost bouncing off her seat with excitement.

Looking at JT, he smiles at me, and I turn to answer her.  “We are taking it slowly.  Very slowly,” I repeat and glance at JT.  He nods so he must be happy with my answer.   “Are you going to get some food?”

“Jay, if you think for one second that I am getting up from this spot until I have to, you are crazy.  I’m not letting you out of my lap until someone makes me.  If that means I have to starve to death, it will be worth it.”  We all laugh, but I hug him a little tighter because it makes me happy that he feels that way about me.

“Mr. Higgins I do believe Miss Stevenson could find her own seat.  I don’t believe she needs to share yours,” Coach Branch vehemently says to JT as he stands over us.  It surprises everyone at the table and I try to jump up, but JT holds me still.

“C’mon Coach B.  You can’t blame me for wanting to hold my girl for a second can you?”  He is trying to break the tension that we are all feeling.

“Don’t make me ask again JT.  I would hate to have you benched for the first game.  I’m sure that would not help your college prospects.”

Coach Branch glares at JT and he stares back.  The silence has become uncomfortable for everyone.  I finally wiggle out of JT arms.

“I’m going to grab something to drink,” I say and walk away.  When I get back with my soda, Coach Branch is gone and JT, Molly and Reed are discussing something, but everyone becomes quiet when I sit down.

Molly looks at me.  “That was so weird Jay. We were just talking about how Coach B just blew that up.  I wonder what set him off?”

Shrugging my shoulders I take a drink of my soda.  JT looks at me and then looks at Reed.  They share some unspoken conversation.  Something is up with them.  JT turns back to me and grabs my hand.

“Molly and Reed said that you all were going out tonight.  I wish I could come, but you know that we have mandatory curfews during football season and my parents are riding my butt.”  His cheeks redden a little as he continues.  “I’m already in trouble with my parents because of going downtown to see Rhye last night.  Thank goodness they aren’t going to say anything to Coach.”

I look at Molly and she is glancing between both of us.  “We could just go get dinner or something if you want us to wait until after football practice?  Molly asks as she looks at me for an answer.

“I’m cool with that JT, if you want us to wait.”

“We’ve been having late practices.  I want you to go and have a good time.  I’m not the only one who has waited forever to spend some time with you.”

That’s why you have to love JT.  I know that he would love to spend time with me, but he is thinking about Molly and Reed and not just himself.  I can’t help myself when I lean over and kiss his cheek.

“We’ll plan something for the weekend if it’s okay with you?”  He nods his head.

We continue to talk for the remaining lunch period.  Molly, Reed and I make plans to go dancing tonight and Molly and I discuss what to wear.  JT and Reed talk about the upcoming football game.  The whole entire time though I was aware of JT.  He constantly rubbed my arms or hands and would just stop and smile at me during his conversation.  It is clear that we both deserve this chance.

Holding my hand he walks me to my Art class.  When we get to the room he stops before we get to the door.  He leans against the wall and pulls me toward him and whispers into my ear.

“Jay, I have been so lost without you.  Don’t make me go back to how things were.  I don’t think I could handle it.”

Closing my eyes as I hear him say this, I nod to him.  I knew it.  Everyone has told me this, but to hear him say it just kills me.  I blink back the tears and lean my head on his shoulder.  Inhaling his scent, I let all of our memories swamp me.

“Did you talk to him last night?  I don’t know if I can handle seeing you with him.  How does he feel?”

A lump develops in my throat, but I talk through it.  “He told me to pick.  You or him.”

JT nods his head like he agrees.  “What did you tell him Jay?”

I can’t tell him that I chose Kane.  In this moment, standing here being with JT, I can’t remember why I chose Kane.  It just feels so right being here with JT.  Being in his arms is everything I’ve missed.

“I’ll talk to him JT.”  He lets me leave it at that.  Placing his hand underneath my chin he tips my face up to his.

“This is where we were always supposed to be.  When you’re not with me, I want you to try and remember this feeling.”  He kisses my lips.  “I will not have gym with you this week, but I’ll come see you when school lets out if I can.”  I nod and turn to walk into the class room.

Molly and Reed are already sitting down and she smiles and waves at me.  We are on opposite sides of the Art room so we all work on our projects during class.  I debate if I should text Kane that we need to talk again, because I have to let him go.  My heart and head know this now.

“Jay, can I have a word with you after class please?”  Miss Kell's voice pulls me from my thoughts.

“Yes Ma’am,” I answer her.  I have no clue what she wants. Finally after what feels like forever, the bell rings for the end of class and I reach down for my book bag.  Molly tells me she’ll meet me in the parking lot and everyone else clears the room.  Walking towards Miss Kell's desk I notice that she looks upset.

“You wanted to see me?”

“Yes.  Thanks for staying Jay.  Listen there’s something that I have wanted to speak with you about for quite some time.  I don’t’ know how to say this, so I’m just going to ask you.  Is Coach Branch bothering you?”

I knew immediately she could read the panic in my eyes. She stood up and walked around the desk to me.  Placing her hands on both of my arms.

“Listen closely to me.  I can help you, but you have to let me.  Do you want me to help you Jay?”

I shake my head no.  Not wanting or needing her help.  Why can’t everyone leave me alone?  I am just now getting my life back again including my friends and boyfriend.  What else do they want from me?

“Listen to me Jay.  I see the way he looks at you and I see the way you react to him.  Everyone thinks he walks on water, but I know differently.  Did something happen?  Please let me help you.”

I can’t stifle the sob that rises from me.  Miss Kell hugs me as I cry on her shoulder.  After a few minutes, I calm myself.  Glancing up at her I see that she also has tears in her eyes.

“I need to go.”  I pull myself out of her arms.  She lets me go and just looks at me.

“Jay, you need to talk to someone.  You need to tell.  If I could do it for you I would, but the smug bastard thinks he’s untouchable because of his position within the athletic department.”  I shake my head and turn away from her.

Walking out the door I don’t look back.  I run straight to my car only stopping when I see the motorcycle in front of it.  Kane is standing next to it and JT is standing next to my car.  They’re talking to each other, but I can tell it’s pretty volatile.  Neither one has seen me and I can’t handle this shit right now.

“You need a ride?”  I turn and Rhye is getting into his car.

Without thinking I get into his passenger side and Rhye pulls out of the parking lot.  The guys never notice.

“Where to Jay?  I can take you anywhere you want to go,” he says to me.  I turn to Rhye and stare at him.

“Wherever you’re going Rhye.  I just don’t want to go home right now.”  He drives to his friend Chris’s apartment.  We used to hang out here when I was seeing him.  My phone vibrates and I look at my text.

Kane – Are you still at school?  I’m at your car.  We need to talk.

JT – Jay…where are you?

I think about ignoring them, but I can’t afford for them to tear down the school looking for me.  Plus I can’t have JT missing anymore football so I text them both back the same message.

Me – Need some time away.  I’m good…with a friend.  Don’t worry. Will text you later.

I turn my phone off and slip it back in my book bag. Rhye and I go upstairs and we can hear the music blaring from the outside.  Chris lets us in and Rhye leads me to the living room and sits down on the couch.

“You want a smoke?”  I hear Chris ask Rhye and he nods his head.  He lights one up and inhales deeply.  The he offers it to me.  Looking at his hand I nod my head and take a deep drag to hold it in.  After a minute I let out the smoke and pass it back to Rhye.

We sit there not talking to one another, passing it back and forth until it burns down.  Finally my mind goes numb and my body feels loose.  I can feel Rhye’s gaze on me and I turn toward him.

“How did you know?”  He knew what I was asking.  I didn’t have to explain myself.

“Jay, you were “Miss It” from the time we all were in elementary school and I mean that in a good way.  You weren’t only pretty, but sweet to everyone too.   The girls wanted to be you and well the boys wanted to be in you.”  I playfully hit his arm at his raunchy joke.  He laughs and continues, “Sorry, but it’s true.  Then our sophomore year, the girl who was always smiling, well she just quit.  One day she’s at school and the next she is out sick for a month, but when she comes back, that girl is gone.  This new girl is hurting.  It was so obvious, but I think those close to you couldn’t see it.  They were hurt and mad that you pushed them away so easily.”  He turned all the way toward me and leaned in.

“Then when you started showing up at our practices I knew you were looking for an escape.  I could offer that to you with the alcohol and drugs.  Then we started sleeping together and I was just so damn proud that you chose me, but I learned fast enough that you didn’t choose me.  You weren’t with me for me, you were with me for the escape.”  Pain filled his voice.  I leaned over and laid my head on his shoulder.

“I would ask you questions about your future and you wouldn’t answer and when you did it was to put me off.  You started to ask questions about which pills were dangerous to take with what and then I noticed when you bought those same combinations.”  He paused and took a deep breath and said, “You used to talk in your sleep after you would pass out.  Nothing specific, but I got the gist of what happened to you.  Then that night we were together, I was going to tell you that I was in love with you, but you called out JT’s name.”

He ran his hand down my hair.  “I’ve always known and prayed that you wouldn’t do it.  I tried to watch for signs, but I didn’t know what to do.  So I’ve spent the last year higher than normal because I didn’t know how I was going to handle it when I got the call that you overdosed.”

“I’m sorry I hit you for speaking the truth,” I said.  “It sounded so ugly being spoken out loud.  My plan was to cut myself off from everyone so that it wouldn’t hurt as much.  Rhye, I knew that I could hang out with you to get access to the drugs, but falling for you was not in my plan.  You were really the first person that I had a choice to sleep with.  It did start out that I could control that I gave my body to you, but then I started to develop feelings also.  I don’t recall saying JT’s name when I was with you, but I probably did at that time because I was messed up.  I’m sorry for that, but it hurt me when you slept with that groupie too.”

I sat up straight and turned toward him.  “Rhye you kind-of saved me.  At first I planned on taking those pills as soon as I got them, but then you happened.  All I knew is that I would choose the time and place, but I chose not to at that time because of you.  I wanted to be with you.  You helped me forget what happened and taught me how to enjoy sex.  You showed me how to turn pain into pleasure.  You did Rhye, not JT.”  I felt like I owed that to him, because it was the truth.

My buzz was coming down.  “I’ll always love you for that, but right now that’s not enough for us. Trust me, you don’t want into this three ring circus I’ve got going on.  I am not over JT and well you met Kane the other night.  It’s unfair of me to ask you to be my friend, but I could really use one right now.”

“Jay, I’m here for you.  Whatever you need.”  He leans his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes.

I smile at him.  “Thanks Rhye.”  I yawn and can barely hold my eyes open.  “I’m going to just take a nap, okay?”

“Lay down Jay.  I’ll watch over you.”  I laid my head in his lap, closed my eyes, and fell asleep.

Chapter 9

My head was pounding like a steel drum was beating from the inside out and my eye lids feel heavy when I try to open them.  I grimace because my body is so stiff.  When I finally open my eyes and move, I realize that I’m not in my room.  Everything rushes back to me and I remember going to sleep on Rhye’s lap in the apartment, but I’m not there now.  However, I know exactly where I am at.

JT’s room hasn’t changed much these last two years.  I’m in his bed, but I’m alone.  I slowly rise from the bed and realize I only have on one of his t-shirts.  My clothes from yesterday are laid over his desk and I grab my jeans and pull them on.

Opening the door from his bedroom, I follow the sound of voices to his parent’s kitchen.  Their voices are muffled and I can’t hear what they are saying.  The smell of bacon is strong and my stomach growls.  Walking through the door they all stop and stare at me.  JT and his mother are standing at the stove while she is cooking and Kip is sitting at the table.

I smile at all of them.  “Good Morning.”  I’ve always liked his mother, but I wasn’t sure how she felt about me because of these last two years.  She smiles back and walks over to hug me.

“Hey Jay honey.  How are you feeling this morning?”  Her eyes are kind and she looks over me.  “I called your Mom and Dad last night to let them know that you were here.  Your Mom wanted you to call her once you got up.”

“Thanks Mrs. Higgins.  I’ll call her in a second.”  Does she know that I was passed out high as a kite last night?  I need to talk with JT and find out how I got here.  “Uh JT, can I talk to you a second?”  Looking at him, I realize that he looks mad.

He nods his head and walks to the back door and opens it for me.  As I pass by Kip, he whispers to me, “He’s pissed.  Good luck.”  Just great, I think to myself as I follow him into his backyard.

JT walks over and throws himself on a lounge chair and glares at me.  I decide to just stand in front of him.  He raises his eyebrow at me and folds his arms over his chest.  He starts to speak and stops to shake his head.  I wait for him to say something.

“Do you remember me coming to get you?”   I shake my head no.  “Do you remember my Mom helping you to bed?”  I shake my head no again and my cheeks blush.  “Damn Jay.”

“How did you know where I was?”  My voice was hoarse.

“Your boy Rhye called me to come get you.  He told me that you saw me and Kane at your car and panicked.  He’s always in the right place at the right time isn’t he?  Rhye to the fucking rescue.”  His voice is bitter.

“Rhye called you to come get me?”  I’m confused.

“Yeah he called me from your phone and told me where you were.  He said that you needed me, but he left out that you were passed out cold.  Lover boy said you kept calling my name in your sleep. Do you need me Jay?  Because that’s not what Kane told me yesterday.  He told me that you had chosen him.  That you were his.”

“What happened after school?” I had to ask.

He laughed.  “I went out to wait for you at your car and he was already there.  He said that he wanted to talk to me.  Pretty much he told me what I already know.  You’ve had a rough couple of years and that neither one of us needs to push you right now.  He went on to say that I needed to give you space and that you had chosen to be with him.  We talked a little and then both of us got your text.”  He looked at me and his blue eyes bore into mine as he stands up.

“I want you Jay, but I want you happy first. Damn it, if that’s him then, I’ll back off.”  His voice breaks and he swallows hard.  He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close and whispers against me.  “As long as I know you’re in this world, I can do that.  If you weren’t here Jay,” he stops talking and just holds me tight.

I rub his back as his body shakes against mine.  For once my mind is clear and I now know what I want.  No second guessing this time.  Someone is going to be hurt, but this life is too short and I’ve wasted too much of it.  I pull back from JT and look into his eyes, needing to be completely honest with him.

“JT, I am so sorry and I’ve made a horrible mistake.” He tries to pull away from me and I hold tight.  “Listen to me for just two seconds.  I did tell Kane that I would be his, but it was because he wouldn’t give me time to let me decide what I want.  After I talked with you the other day I went back to him and asked him for time to figure things out with you, but he gave me an ultimatum and I panicked.  The next morning when I saw you I knew that I had made a mistake.  I’ve been so confused.  At one time you were everything I ever wanted and I saw my future whenever I looked at you.  The past two years I haven’t allowed myself any real connections and then Kane comes along.  I do care about him.  Deeply, but JT it’s nothing compared to how I feel about you.”

I take a deep breath and softly kiss his lips.  Tears roll down both of our cheeks.  “If you will have me, I will promise to live for you.  To give up the past, and only be with you forever. I love you JT.  Please forgive me,” my voice cries and he crushes me to him.

“This is it Jay, because I’m not ever letting you go.  Do you understand me?  There will not be another minute of my life without you in it.  God I love you baby.  I love you so much.”  He kisses my lips over and over whispering his feelings to me.  I could have stood there forever, but a voice clears itself from the door.  We both turn and Mrs. Higgins is standing there with tears in her eyes.

I didn’t know what she would say or do, but she surprised us both.  She walks over and envelopes us in her arms.  She should hate me, I would have hated a girl that put my son through what I have JT.  At that moment she spoke and it’s almost like she could hear my thoughts.

“I just want both of my children to be happy Jay and you make him very happy.  He’s been miserable without you.  Just love each other and everything else will fall in place.”  She clears her voice and continues, “But now you two are going to be late for school.  JT go ahead and get dressed.  You’ll need to take Jay to her house for some clothes.”  He smiles at me and turns to go in.

“Thank you,” I smile and tell her.

“No thank you.  I don’t know what happened with both of you, but I’m no dummy.  Just love him Jay.  You’re the one for him.”

“I know now it’s only him for me too.”  We hug once more and walk back inside.  Running upstairs I grab my bag and we leave for my house.

Sitting in his truck, I realize I need to call my parents so I get my phone out.  I have over thirty text messages and calls.  Most were from Kane, JT and Molly wanting to know where I was.  One was even from Reed.  A couple of them were from my parents and the last two text messages sent from my phone catch my eye.  They were sent to Kane’s phone.

Me – This is JT. She is safe.  Rhye called me to come and get her because she had passed out.  My mother is with her now.

Me - I’ll have her call you in the morning.

Kane – Thanks

Rhye had also sent me a text this morning.

Rhye – Here for you always.  I called the one for you.  See you around.

JT looked at me as I read my phone.

“I text him from your phone to let him know you were okay and with me.”  He looks at me sheepishly.  “I didn’t do it to hurt him or anything.  I would have wanted to know you were okay if he had been the one Rhye called.”

Leaning over the truck console I kissed his cheek.  “That’s why I love you so much.”

We arrive at my house minutes later and Kane’s silver Crossfire is parked in the driveway.  JT looks over at me.

“Give me your house keys and I will go on inside to wait for you.”  I nod at him and give them to him.

We both climb out of his truck and Kane gets out of his car.  JT nods at Kane and walks by us both going up to the house.  He stops at the door and looks back at me, but then unlocks the door and continues inside.   My eyes go to Kane’s and I can tell that he hasn’t slept again.

“I’m sorry.”  I don’t know what else to say.

He nods his head and says, “So am I.  It’s unfortunate really.  I think we could have had something special.  We really didn’t have a fair chance, but I need you to know something Jay.  I don’t hate you.  I’m hurt.  I realize that I backed you into a corner the other night and I know you meant what you said, but that didn’t change your feelings for him, did it?”

This time I shake my head no.   He sighs and rubs the back of his neck.  Glancing up to the house he asks, “If he wasn’t here would you have chosen to live for me?  Could I have been that for you?”

“Yes, you made me want my future again.  The only problem is he was my future first.”  A tear slides down my cheek.  He steps closer to me, but doesn’t touch me.  He gently leans over and kisses my cheek.

“I love you Jay.”  He didn’t look at me and walked back to his car and drove away.  I stood there for a second and wiped the tears away.  JT didn’t deserve to see me cry over Kane.  From this point forward I am going to prove to him that I was worth the wait.

Walking up to the house I went to find him. He was in the living room sitting on the couch.  I plop down into his lap and he laughs as he kisses me.

“I was holding my breath not wanting to take one second with you for granted,” he says to me.

“I’m all yours.”  I kiss him deeply back.  He stands us both up and slaps my butt.

“Go get dressed before you get me in trouble.  I would miss school in a heartbeat if the first game wasn’t tomorrow night.  I got a future to plan now,” he says and my heart melts.

Looking in his eyes I reply, “So do I.”

Taking a quick shower I think about the bottle of pills I have hid.  I don’t have time to get rid of them now, but I will this weekend.  Wanting to look pretty for JT, I throw on my short white sundress and strappy white sandals and blow dry my hair straight.  Adding some quick lip gloss, I take one last look in the mirror and walk downstairs.

He’s waiting in the foyer and he watches me as I walk down the stairs.  I can see the hunger in his eyes.  Stepping off the last step he walks to me.

“You’re beautiful Jay.  Thank you for choosing me.”

“It was never a choice.  Always you JT.  It’s always been you for me.”  He smiles against my lips as he brings me in for a kiss.

“Let’s go to school.  I can’t wait to let everyone know that your mine.”

He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the house to his car.  I remembered to call my parents on the way there and let them know I was okay.  I was pretty vague answering their questions.  They said they were coming home Friday night and we would talk.  That didn’t sound good.

When we arrive at school, I realize we are running a little late.  Running through the parking lot we both laugh.  JT grabs me before we go in the building and kisses me.  He walks me to my first class and stops just inside of the door so that the whole class can pretty much see us.  He gently cradles my face with his hands and kisses me again.  You can hear the whistles from the class room.

When he pulls back he looks at Cal, who is already sitting down and says, “Take care of my girl.”  Cal lets out a big laugh and calls back to him.

“Since it seems you are marking your territory, why don’t you go ahead and pee on her why you’re at it?”  All the guys around Cal laugh at his statement.

JT just shakes his head at Cal and looks back to me.  “I’ll see you after class.  Love you Jay.”  One last kiss and he’s gone.

Cal winks at me and I know he’s happy.  I laugh because I haven’t been this happy in forever.  The whole day goes wonderfully.  Rhye smiled at me in second period, but that was it.  I apologized to Molly and Reed and they were so understanding.  We made plans to hang out at the football game Friday night and then at the party afterwards at Cal’s house.  It was like the last two years hadn’t happened and this was how my life was supposed to be.

JT took every chance he could to let the school know we were back together.  During lunch he was either rubbing my arm or holding my hand, but somewhere he was always touching me.  In Art class, Miss Kell smiled at me, but didn’t try to talk to me again.  Hopefully she realizes that I am moving on.

After school JT walks me to my car that had been here overnight.  He had football practice, so he kissed me goodbye and said, “I’m coming straight to your house tonight after practice.  I won’t be able to stay long because of the football curfew, but I will need to see you before I go to sleep.”

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

Since I couldn’t be with JT, Molly and Reed went shopping with me and then we had dinner.  We had such a great time and before I knew it, I was back at home waiting for JT.  I had bought a new dress for tomorrow night just for him because it was his favorite color.  I knew that the little red strapless dress would drive him crazy and it was finally time for me to have JT.

I heard the doorbell just as my thoughts were getting good.  Smiling I open the door for JT and he is grinning right back at me.  Jumping into his arms I wrap my legs around his waist and kiss his lips.

“Happy to see me?”  He laughs at me, but I know he love this.

I bite his bottom lip and suck it into my mouth.  My body trembles when he groans.  Kissing him more deeply he walks with me wrapped around him inside the house and I kick the door closed.  He carries me to the stairs and all the way up.  When we make it to my bedroom, he sets me down and looks at me.

“Are you sure Jay?”

I nod my head at him and say, “I’ve waited forever for you.  I don’t want to wait another minute.”

He grabs me and kisses me deeply.  We both remove our clothes within seconds.  I stand back and look at his body.  He has a man’s body now with sinewy muscles from football.  Running my hands up and down I commit every crease and crevice to memory.  His blue eyes are so vibrant and the love shines through them.

He looks into my eyes and says, “My turn.”  He bends my head and kisses my neck and traces his mouth down my body.  “I love your body Jay.  My dreams didn’t do you justice.”  There is a smile in his voice.  He kisses both of my breast and runs his hands down my stomach.  He grabs my hips and pushes me back on the bed, but doesn’t follow me.  He leans back and grabs his jeans and pulls a condom out.

“We’ll take this slow.  Tell me if I rush you.”  He lies down beside me and smiles.  His strong hands trace up and down my body and he kisses my neck.  Reaching over I pull him toward me.

“JT don’t make me wait any longer.”  My breath is coming quicker and I ache for him.  He climbs over me making sure not to rest all of his weight down.  Looking into my eyes he grins again.  He opens the condom and places it on.

“I love you Jay,” he says as he slides into my warmth.  It feels so good and I feel so full and JT groans.  “Forever Jay.  I am going to love you forever.”  His movements are slow at first with both of us just enjoying the moment of finally being together.

JT’s body quivers above mine and his movements quicken.  My body reacts to his and we are both breathing heavily now.  “Come for me Jay.  I can’t wait baby.”  My body explodes with his words and he follows.  He lays on top, resting his delicious weight on me.  I run my hands up and down to the middle of his back.

After a minute he rolls off and kisses me on the lips before walking to my bathroom.  My body hums with contentment.  I watch him come through the door gloriously naked walking back and sliding next to me in bed.  He laughs when he looks at my face.

“Your eyes are lighting up like you want more.  You’ll have to give me a pass on a second time.  If I didn’t have a football game tomorrow night, I promise you couldn’t get rid of me.   In fact Jay, I’ve been thinking about something.”

I tear my eyes away from devouring his body and answer him, “What?”

“I want to get married.”

Now he has my attention.  I give a nervous laugh.  “Ok, maybe someday?”

“No Jay, I want to marry you now.  We’ve wasted so much time and life is way too short.  I know we are just in high school, but I know I want to spend my life with you.  It’s not enough to be with you.  I want to sleep next to you every night and watch over you so I can keep you safe.”

“Have you lost your mind?  We are just now starting our senior year of high school.  Then you have college and hopefully now I might too.  I’ll marry you, but sometime way off in the future.”  I’m stunned.

“Maybe I have Jay.  These past two years have changed me.  I’m afraid that if open my eyes that you will disappear and that scares me.  I was so afraid that I would get here tonight and you wouldn’t let me in.  That you had changed your mind.”  He snuggled me closer to him.

“I’m not going to change my mind.  Not ever.  No matter what happens, it’s you and me.”  Looking into his eyes he nods at me.

“Just think about it okay?”  I don’t want to fight with him so I nod yes.  “I’ve got this stupid football curfew and my Mom warned me to only stay an hour.  Can I stay tomorrow night?”

“My parents are supposed to be home, but we’ll work something out. We can always stay at Cal’s.”  I wiggle my eyes at him and he starts tickling me making me laugh out loud.

“Yeah, we can do that,” he says happily getting out of bed.  Crossing my legs, I sit on the bed and watch him dress.  Before he goes into the bathroom again, he throws me a t-shirt and panties.

“Get dressed so you can walk me out.”

“Yes Master,” I say and laugh.

He mutters, “I wish.”

Once we are both dressed, I walk him downstairs.

“Jay, I hate to leave you.  It’s tearing me up inside.  Think about what I said.  Okay?”  He kisses me and groans.  “Love you.  Lock the door and turn on the alarm.”

“Love you too.”  My voice shakes.  All the emotions that I feel for him rushes at me.  He’s finally mine and tears cloud my eyes.

“Jay what is it?  You’re scaring me baby.”  He grabs me and pulls me toward him.

“I’m just happy,” I say.  He kisses me and pulls back.

“Me too Jay.  Me too.”

“I’m okay.  Just go.  I can’t wait to sit in the stands tomorrow and cheer you on.”  My face raises to his and I kiss his cheek.

“And I’m sleeping with you tomorrow night, right?”  He asks me.  I nod my head because too many emotions are choking me up.  He kisses me one last time and walks out the door.

I go upstairs after I lock the house up.  Turning some music on from my playlist on my phone I decide to check my text messages.  I had a couple.

Molly – Party tomorrow night!!!  Are you and JT going to stay at Cal’s?  I love typing “you and JT.” J

Jill – What happen with Kane?  He got pretty hammered tonight and when I ask about you he told me to talk to you.  Hope you’re okay sweetie….

Mom – We’ll be home late tomorrow night.  Love you!!!!

I text back Molly first.

Me – We’ll probably stay at Cal’s.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Can’t wait to hang out with you guys.

Texting Jill back was harder.  I didn’t know what to say.

Me – I’ll talk to you later about everything.  Kane and I are done.  I am back with JT.   Long story.  I’ll come see you next week.

While I was texting her back my phone chirped.

JT – Tonight was worth the wait.  You are my LIFE.  Love you.

Me – Yes it was.  Love you!!!

I lay down in my bed still smelling JT on my sheets.  Cradling my pillow to me, I fall asleep thinking about him.

Sitting against the bathroom door I look at the test I hold in my hand.  Two fucking lines.  It’s the fifth test I’ve taken in the last hour.  I had driven to the next town so no one would see me buy the pregnancy test kits.  They all had the same results after I had peed on them.  I think back over the last month.

The first two weeks after the rape I told everyone that I had the flu.  My teachers sent my homework home and since I had never missed school since kindergarten, no one questioned me.  The only problem was me refusing to see Molly, Reed and JT.  They had started getting a little suspicious.  My mom was there every day taking care of me and delivered the news that I didn’t feel good.

The third week home I knew that I would have to go back to school.  I called JT on that night and told him that I needed some time apart.  Shocking him into silence at first and then he begged me to come over, which he did.  My Dad kept him away from me.  Finally after a couple of nights of him camping on the front yard and blasting love songs toward my windows, I went out and told him there was someone else.  He broke down in front of me and called me a whore.  Maybe I was.

Breaking things off from Molly and Reed was harder.  I picked a fight with Molly when she finally got past my Mom one afternoon at my house.  Telling her that she was way too immature to hang out with and that she needed to grow up pretty much nailed the lid shut on our friendship.  I had known for years that Reed secretly loved Molly and I knew that me being mean to her would turn him against me also.

The thought of getting pregnant never crossed my mind until yesterday morning.  I became nauseated as soon as I woke up.  Knowing that I was a week late on my period should have clued me in, but the combination of both got me to thinking.  Leaving my house for the first time in weeks, I drove to the drug store.  Standing in the isle just staring at the test, tears roll down my face.  I knew what the outcome would be.  Grabbing five different tests, I take them to check out and drive home.

My mind races with a million thoughts.  The world didn’t stop for me and it wouldn’t stop if I weren’t in it anymore.  I’ve pushed those away from me, who would hurt the most.  What would it take to end it all?  I don’t think I could pull the trigger or cut gashes into my wrist.  The most logical for me would be to go to sleep and not wake up.

First I have to take care of this.  My cousin had told me of a place that a friend of hers had went to last year to have an abortion.  I call her and get all the information and make the call for an appointment the next day.  My cousin had offered to take me so I call her back and swear her to secrecy.  She will pick me up the next day.  I tell my mother that we are going shopping and then spending the weekend at her apartment.  She’s just happy that I am getting out.

The next morning my cousin drives me to the clinic. I sign in and a nurse brings me back to a room.  She performs an ultrasound and then takes me to her office.  She explains the procedure and then asks me again if I understand.  I nod to her.  She then has me undress and put on a white hospital gown.  After that, she leads me to a small white room.  Metal chairs line the walls and girls of different ages and ethnicity sit in them.

At first no one says anything, but then one girl starts to talk about why she is here.  She says this is her third abortion and evidently this is her choice of birth control.  After she finishes an older woman says that she has a disease that could be passed on to a child and she is choosing to abort.  One after another they lay down their sins maybe looking for atonement that I already knew would never come.

When everyone had spoken but me, I look down at the floor and take a breath.  “I was raped,” I whisper.  I don’t look up and no one says anything else.  Eventually a nurse comes in and one by one calls our name.  I am led to another room and placed on a table with my feet in stir-ups.  The doctor is talking to whoever is performing the anesthesia about where they will play golf this afternoon.  He tells me to count down from ten.  I don’t remember anything past eight.

Opening my eyes I wake from my dream.  Sometimes people actually live real life nightmares and that day for me was one, but it’s over.  I survived.  It’s still dark outside so I close my eyes to go back to sleep.

Chapter 10

My alarm blares on the table beside me jarring me from sleep.  It’s Friday and I am going to cheer JT on tonight.  A smile spreads across my face and I jump out of bed to go shower.  I dress in our school colors, with a red shirt and short black skirt because we are having a pep rally during last period today.  Throwing together an overnight bag, I grab the dress to take with me for the party after the game.

Downstairs, I start to fix my coffee when the doorbell rings.  Seeing JT standing at the front door in his football jersey and jeans, takes my breath away.  Could he be any cuter?  I open the door and he is smiling at me.

“I really like that skirt.”  He says to me and grabs my hips and pulls me toward him.  “Kiss me good morning Jay.”

I lean in to him and kiss his lips.  He has on the same cologne he used to wear when we dated before.  The same smell that was on my sheets from last night.  I try to pull him into my house, but he stops me.

“Oh no Jay, don’t do that to me.  We have to go to school.  I am going to play my hardest at the game for you tonight and win.  Afterwards, I’m going to show you off at Cal’s and then I’m going to lock you up in a room somewhere and we are not coming out for a long while.”

Smiling at him I nod my head and say, “Sounds like a good plan to me.”  I grab my bag and dress and head out the door. I notice him checking out my dress for tonight.

“Please say you are wearing that for me.”  His voice sounds so husky.

Looking innocent, I shrug my shoulders and tell him, “No, it’s for Cal.”  He swats my behind with his hand playfully.

“I know you bought it for me because it’s my favorite color so don’t lie.  Plus Cal wouldn’t know what to do with you in that dress, but I do.”  He grins and slings my bag over his shoulder so that he can pick me up to carry me to his truck.

We reach school and everyone is hyped up about the game.  Red and black streamers cover the parking lot on most of the cars.  After we park many of the players come over with their girlfriends to talk to us.  It’s like JT and I have never been apart.  Cal, Molly and Reed along with some other people join us and we all talk about the game and the party tonight.  The only person I see standing away and not looking happy for us is Stacie, JT’s ex-girlfriend.  I hadn’t thought about her since the day in the cafeteria.

Molly says something to me so I turn back to her.  We decide that I will catch a lift to her house to get ready for the game and then ride to the party with JT.  The gathering breaks up and everyone heads inside.  JT places his arm around me proudly as we walk to class.  At the door he starts to kiss me when a voice interrupts us.

“Mr. Higgins, I need to see you in my office.”  Coach Branch glares at JT.  It’s almost like he was waiting for us.  JT turns back to me and starts to say something.  “Now JT!  Go on into class James.”  He nods for me to move.  I do as he says and walk into class.

“What happened with JT?  I could see you both talking to Coach B outside the door,” Cal ask.

I shrug my shoulders and sit at the desk.  Mrs. Davis starts class as soon as the bell rings.  My thoughts run wild about why Coach Branch looked so angry outside the classroom.  I can’t figure out what he wants from me.  My mind drifts and before I know it the bell rings.  JT is waiting outside the door.

“What did he want JT?”

“I don’t know any more Jay.  Lately all he does is ride my ass about you and threaten my scholarship chances if I don’t leave you alone.  I swear he acts like he’s your Dad or something.”  JT looks upset.

“Can he really take away your scholarships?”

“Hell no, I’ll earn them for my athletic ability alone.  There are some guys that he will be the only reason they get a full ride to college, but not me.  I just don’t understand what his problem is.”

I swallow hard and turn away walking to my next class.  He catches up to me and slides his hand into mine.  Glancing down at our intertwined fingers I watch as he lifts our joined hands and kisses them.

“It’s you and me against the world Jay.  The way it always should have been.”  He looks at me.

Smiling at him we arrive to my next class, but before we go in I look up to see Rhye walking into class.   JT looks at him and actually smiles.

“Hey Rhye.”  He lifts his head in greeting.  Rhye nods his head back and looks at me.

“Morning Jay.”  He smiles at me and walks into class, not waiting for me to respond.

JT surprises me because I didn’t expect him to be so friendly to Rhye.  I give him a puzzled look on my face.  He shrugs his shoulders at me.

“He called me to come get you.  I would almost say other than you right now, he’s my favorite person.  Believe me, I never thought I’d ever say that,” he comments with a laugh as I walk into class shaking my head.

When lunch period finally arrives, I walk down to the cafeteria with JT.  Molly and Reed were already sitting at our table when we sit down.  More people join us, just like this morning in the parking lot.  Most of the guys are talking about the game tonight and the other half are talking about the party.

“Did you bring that hot dress for tonight Jay?”  Molly asked.

“Yeah, it’s in JT’s truck.  I’ll get it this afternoon.”  My conversation must have caught JT’s attention because he stopped talking to one of his players and turned to me.

“Don’t let me forget to get my phone out of my truck.  I could have sworn I brought in with me this morning, but it’s not in my pocket.”

“Ok.” He leans down and kisses my mouth sweetly and everyone at the table groans.  All the sudden we are hit with a battalion of French Fries.

Reed yells, “Get a room!”

JT just smiles at me and whispers, “I plan to.”

After lunch, I walk with Molly and Reed to Art class because JT has to go get ready for the pep rally.  We are getting ready to start a new project so we all are in the same group.   Molly asked me about last night and I share with her.  Reed just ignores us.  It’s nice to have her back to talk to.

Before class is over my phone buzzes with a text message.

JT – Need to talk to you.  Meet me in science lab after class during pep rally.  Don’t tell anyone.

He must have found his phone.  I wonder why he wants to talk with me.  Hearing my name I turn around when the bell rings.

“Jay are you coming to the pep rally with us?”  Molly asked.

“I forgot to get something out of my locker.  Go ahead, I’ll meet you guys there.  Okay?”

Molly nods her head and I head over to the silence lab.  Everyone around me is heading towards the gym for the pep rally.  I walk directly to my locker to waste some time and arrange the contents.  When the final bell rings and the hallways are vacant, I walk towards the silence lab.

I open the door to the lab and it closes behind me.  They’re several exit doors propped open leading into the room.  It’s not that private, but I’m guessing JT is figuring that all the students and staff will be in the gym. Walking into the room, I lay my book bag down on a work station.

Hearing footsteps, I turn around thinking I’ll see JT, but it’s not him.  Coach Branch stands behind me.  I guess I now know who has JT’s phone, because it’s in his hand.  His face is contorted with anger.

“You stupid whore. Really Jay, you think I’m going to let him have what’s mine?  I don’t think so.”  He walks toward me and I back up.

Hysteria rises in me, but I know I can’t panic right now.  “What’s yours?”  I look at him.

“You Jay.  You might have shared yourself all over town these last two years, but at least you weren’t giving it to him.  I’ve never liked that little shit.  Actually, you being a little loose has really helped me out Jay.  I mean who would ever believe a drug addict whore over this school’s star coach, loving husband and father?  No one Jay.  No one would ever believe you.”  He laughs and looks down at my body.

“I’ve never told anyone.  I never plan to.”  My voice shook with tears and terror.

“Oh, I’m not talking about that.  I’m talking about how I’m going to take that little body again and again.  I’ve been missing you Jay.  You throw my notes away and ignore me.  That hurts me and it makes me angry.  I’m already going to have to punish you for your sins.”

My head jerked up at his comment.  “Punish me?”  I step further away from him and he advances on me.

“Yes Jay.  Maybe you think I’m stupid, but I assure you I’ve been one step ahead of you this whole time.  I guessed right away why you weren’t in school that month after we were together.  Did you kill my baby Jay?”

The color left my face and I almost fainted.  He rushed forward and grabbed me toward him.  I knew better than to fight him off.   He enjoyed it too much.

“You did, didn’t you?   Why you little murderer.  What would your perfect boyfriend JT think about that?”

“Let me go,” I said in a whisper.  “I’ll tell everyone.  If you don’t let me go, I promise that I will.”

He chuckle is evil.  “Go ahead.  I really don’t think anyone would believe you.  I’ll just tell them how you threw yourself at me for years.  I’ve already mentioned to my wife how you constantly flirt with me.  She will share that with anyone I tell her to. Really Jay, you should have told when it happened.  You didn’t tell though did you?  Maybe you liked it.”

Something in me snapped and I push his chest back with all my strength.  Slapping his face hard, I can see the surprise.  I scream in his face and push him hard again.

“You Bastard, what do you think I liked?  That you raped me in a gym closet and then got me pregnant so that I had to have an abortion.  That you ruined me for my boyfriend and my friends?  You took it all away from me and then you continue to harass me for years.  What the fuck do you think I liked about any of that?  I swear to all that’s holy that if you come near me again I will tell everyone.  I don’t care if anyone believes me.  I will not stop talking about it until your own kids grow up.”

I push him one more time away from me for good.  “Do not come near me.”  Grabbing JT’s phone out of his hand, I pick up my book bag to walk out.  I’m breathing hard and I walk toward the gym.  It’s over with him.  Please God let it be over.

The noise from the pep rally is loud and I can hear the cheers when they call JT to the stage.  Miss Kell runs into me as soon as I walk into the gym door.  “James, where have you been?  When I didn’t see you or him in the gym I started to panic.”

“I’m okay Miss Kell.”

She looked at my face and frowned.  “You don’t look okay.”

“I am now.  Trust me.”  I walk around her and into the gym just in time to see JT walk onto the stage.

Finding a seat on the front bleacher, I try to calm myself.  JT is looking over the crowd for me.  When he finally spots me he smiles and starts talking into the microphone.

“Who wants to beat some Jaguars tonight?”  Everyone goes crazy yelling, “YES!”  “For those of us who are seniors, this will be our last year playing high school football.  We need to take it as far as we can and I believe that’s all the way to State!”  Again everyone claps and yells.

“You know I’m going to play my heart out for you guys tonight especially for my girl Jay.”  He looks directly at me and smiles.  “So let’s go out there and leave it all on the field.  Let’s go Bulldogs!”  Everyone stands up to cheer.  He walks off the stage and heads directly to me.  I see that Cal is getting up to speak now, but I don’t get to hear him because of JT.

“What is wrong Jay?  Your face is white as snow.  I know when something is wrong, so please just tell me.”

“If I tell you that everything is fine, would you please just drop it?  I swear that if you’ll do that, tomorrow I will tell you everything I can.”

He looked at me and asked, “Everything Jay?”

I nod back to him.  “Everything I possibly can without hurting too many people.  Okay?”  Nodding he moves to sit beside me on the bleacher.  “Are you not going back to sit with your team?”

He turns to me.  “You’re my most important teammate.  We are my most important team.  Forever, Jay.”

I lean in and kiss him, “You’re my M.V.P.”  He laughs and kisses me back.

When the pep rally ends, JT has to go back to get ready for the game, but first he walks me to his truck to get my things.  I place his phone inside his truck without saying anything.

“After the game I’ll meet you outside the locker room.  We’ll ride to the party together.  Okay?”  He asked.

“Sounds good to me,” I say as I lean up and kiss his cheek.  “I’m going to Molly’s house so that I can change into Cal’s dress.”  I bat my eyes at him trying to be funny.

“You can say that you’re putting on that dress for Cal baby, but I’m going to be the only one that takes it off.”  I laugh at him.

“It’s yours,” I say to him and wink.

“I know,” he says and winks back.  “Wish me luck tonight.”  I tug him down to me and kiss him hard.

“Luck, baby.”  At that he smiles again.

Molly and I drive to her house to get ready.  I don’t talk about what happened today, but I know tomorrow I am going to have to tell JT something.  Could I tell him that yes I was raped, but not tell him by whom?   That would not be a good idea for anyone.

“Do you want to stop off and get our nails done?”  Molly asked me.

“Sure Mols, that sounds fun.”

We get our nails done and back to her house by dinner.  Eating something light, we go upstairs to shower and get ready.  Pulling on my new dress, I look in the mirror and know JT will love it.  The color is candy apple red and it’s short and sleeveless.  I had brought a light black jacket to wear over it for the game to tone it down.  I slide on a pair of black ankle boots.  Curling my hair I leave it loose around me.

Molly wears a navy dress she bought yesterday.  It looks good with her coloring.  When she spies me she stops and her jaw drops.

“Damn Jay.  You look hot.  Don’t let JT see you in that dress until after the game.  He won’t be able to throw anything.”  We don’t laugh because we both know it’s true.

“Thanks.  You look pretty spectacular yourself.  Reed is going to have a fit.”

We head downstairs and get into Molly’s car to head to the game.  “Can I tell you something crazy?”  I look at her and she nods her head yes.  “JT asked me to marry him and he meant like now.”

“Are you kidding me Jay?”

“No, I really wish I was.  Part of me still thinks he’s not serious, but another part knows that he is.”

“What do you want?”

“I want JT to be happy.  Whatever that is, that is what I want.”

She smiles at me then.  “You both will figure it out.  You’ll know when you both are ready.”

I process her words and know they are correct.  My mind just needs to slow down and process everything that has happened these last two weeks.  Tonight though, I’m just going to enjoy my friends and boyfriend.

We arrive at the football stadium just as our players run out on the field.  The night is electric with the anticipation of the game.  Every space in the bleachers is packed in tight with people.  Molly and I find Reed in the student section and we squeeze in.

Below us on the field, the cheerleaders try to get the crowd pumped excited while the football players warm up for the big game.  All the coaches are getting ready on the sidelines when I notice Coach Branch looking up at me.  Looking away, I just happen to look right into his wife’s face as she holds their children on her lap and she is looking from me to him.  In that moment I feel sorry for her.  She is the one that has to live with that monster and thank God not me anymore.  Turning my head, I look away and promise myself never to look back.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up.  Glancing around I see Stacie, JT’s ex-girlfriend, standing with a group of students staring at me.  Some of the looks hold a depth of pity in their eyes and others are hostile.  Turning my back on them, I turn to Molly to see if she also saw them staring, but she is talking with Reed.  When I turn back they are gone.

A loud horn blows and the game starts with the kick-off.  When JT goes out on the field for the first time he stops and turns around to look right up at me in the stands.  He brings his hand to his heart and then he points right at me.  My smile is from one side of my face to the other.  Molly nudges my knee with hers and grins at me.

“That boy has always had it bad for you.”

“I love him,” I sigh.

The first possession we have of the ball, JT drives it all the way down the field and scores the first touchdown.  We jump up and the entire crowd screams for him.  The game progresses fast from that point.  During the second quarter, I look to the students sitting a couple of rows in front of us and notice that they are all looking at their phones.  A couple of them glance back directly at me.  One freshman girl has a tear fall down her face while she stares at me.  I grab Molly’s arm again to see if she notices when at the same time, JT throws a pass for another touchdown, so she and I both jump up to cheer and I forget to ask her.

At half-time I finally have a chance to talk to Molly, but I feel almost dumb to mention anything.  Everyone seems to be enjoying the game and no one is looking at me now.  I decide not to bring anything up and ruin the night.  The second half starts and before I know it the game is over with us winning by twenty-four points.  The crowd disperses with everyone taking their revelry elsewhere.  I hug Molly and Reed as they go ahead and leave to go to Cal’s house to get everything ready for the party.

Walking toward the locker room to meet up with JT, I can’t help but think about the past two years.  All the control I thought I had built was a mirage just waiting to break away.  JT, Kane and even Rhye made me feel again, but only one deserves my future.  When I look up he is leaning against the door waiting for me.

“Are you thinking about how many ways I’m going to kiss you tonight?”  He asked with a smirk on his face.

“Yes, I do believe that was exactly what I was thinking about,” I say as I throw myself into his arms and do just that.

He pulls back and looks at me.  “I love you Jay.”

“I love you too.”  There’s a nervous energy surrounding us.  I know he can feel it also.

“Let’s go party it up.”  Grabbing my hand he pulls me to his truck and opens the door.

“Slide to the middle and buckle up Jay.”  Lifting my eyebrow in question he answers me.  “Cal had to loan his truck out so that they could pick up the kegs.  He is getting a ride with us to his house.”  As soon as he finished talking, the passenger door slings open and Cal flings his humongous self in.

Kissing my cheek he smiles at me and says, “Hey Jay Baby.”

“Hands off my girl Cal,” JT says as he glares at him, but I knew he was kidding.

“She’ll always be my girl too, just in a different way.”  Cal grins at me as I lean over and hug him.  He really has been there for me when I didn’t deserve anyone.

“Hey,” JT says and pulls me to him, “quit giving my hugs away.”  I laugh and kiss his cheek.

We chat about who is coming tonight and what girl Cal is going to be chasing.  When we arrive at his house it seems like all of our phones vibrate and chirp at the same time.  Laughing we all get out of the truck, joking that our friends must be texting us wanting to know where we are at.

“I bet everyone is waiting for us,” JT says but ignores his phone as do I.

“I’ll catch you both later.  I’ve got to make sure that everything is set up,” Cal says as he grabs his phone and looks at it as he walks off toward his house

Looking over at JT, I slowly remove the jacket that was covering my dress and throw it back inside the truck.  His eyes move up my body and he takes a deep breath.  He lets out a slow whistle.  “Damn Jay.  You’re all my Christmas and Birthday presents combined.”  I let out a soft laugh.

“And I don’t deserve you.”  I tell him as we kiss.  He reaches for my hand and we walk toward Cal’s house.

Walking through the front door, I immediately see Molly crying, but that’s not all.  A hush falls over the house and everyone is staring at me and JT.  Most people can’t even look me in the eyes and then again, I see more hostile stares.  These seem to come from mostly the football and baseball players and of course, Stacie Courtman.

JT looks around and asks, “Last I checked we won, why are you bunch of pansies looking upset?”

At that same moment, Cal comes running from the back of the house with his phone in his hand.  His face was red and tears filled his eyes.  He grabs me away from JT and engulfs me in his arms.

“My God Jay,” he whispers and the tears roll down his big cheeks.  His big body shakes as he is wrapped them around me.  “I am so sorry.”

My first thought is that my parents have died in a plane crash, but before I can ask, JT grabs me from Cal.  Losing my balance I fall into his arms.

“What the fuck Cal?”  Panic and worry fill his eyes now.

Some drunken baseball player sneers at me and says, “Whore.”

Whipping around in a rage, JT and Cal lunge for him at the same time.  JT gets to him first and hits him square in the face.

“What is your problem Scott?”  JT yells at him.

“Your girl here probably just ruined several of our chances at a full-ride scholarship,” Scott said looking right at me, “I don’t believe it happened, even if I watched it.  He wouldn’t have done that.”

“She’s a druggie whore anyway.”  Some unknown female voice whispered.  There were over seventy of us standing in the room.

JT whipped around and tried to find who said it.  All the sudden everything comes to me.  Turning around, I grab the phone out of Cal’s hand and look through his text messages.  Sure enough, it seems he has got a video message forwarded from at least fifty people in the last hour.

Pressing play, the grainy image of Coach Branch and me in the science lab fills the tiny screen.  Someone must have been hiding to the side of one of the doorways, filming from their phone.  The volume is at blast when I hear his voice.

You Jay.  You might have shared yourself all over town the last two years, but at least you weren’t giving it to him.  I’ve never liked that little shit.  Actually, you being a little loose has really helped me out Jay.  I mean who would ever believe a drug addict whore over this school’s star coach, loving husband and father?  No one Jay.  No one would ever believe you.

I’ve never told anyone.  I never plan to.

Oh, I’m not talking about that.  I’m talking about how I’m going to take that little body again and again.  I’ve been missing you Jay.  You throw my notes away and ignore me.  That hurts me and it makes me angry.  I’m already going to have to punish you for your sins.

Punish me?

Yes Jay.  Maybe you think I’m stupid, but I assure you I’ve been one step ahead of you this whole time.  I guessed right away why you weren’t in school that month after we were together.  Did you kill my baby Jay? You did, didn’t you?   Why you little murderer.  What would your perfect boyfriend JT think about that?

Let me go.  I’ll tell everyone.  If you don’t let me go, I promise that I will.

Go ahead.  I really don’t think anyone would believe you.  I’ll just tell them how you threw yourself at me for years.  I’ve already mentioned to my wife how you constantly flirt with me.  She will share that with anyone I tell her to. Really Jay, you should have told when it happened.  You didn’t tell though did you?  Maybe you liked it.

You Bastard, what do you think I liked?  That you raped me in a gym closet and then got me pregnant so that I had to have an abortion.  That you ruined me for my boyfriend and my friends?  You took it all away from me and then you continue to harass me for years.  What the fuck do you think I liked about any of that?  I swear to all that’s holy that if you come near me again I will tell everyone.  I don’t care if anyone believes me.  I will not stop talking about it until your own kids grow up.  Do not come near me.

When the video ends, JT grabs it from my hands and hurls it toward the wall, shattering the phone.  He bends over grabbing his stomach, groaning as if he was in pain.  My body is in shock.  Everyone is looking at us.  His sobbing brings me out of myself.  Bending over I wrap my arms around him.

“That bastard, I thought he cared about me.  About all of us,” he says catching his breath.  “How Jay?    You were so sweet and innocent.  How could he take that from me?  How could he do that to you?”

I look up and Molly and Reed are standing there.  The both have been crying.  Molly leans over and hugs me from behind.  My body stiffens and she pulls away, staring at me with pity in her eyes.

“It’s okay Jay.  Everyone knows what he has done now and he’ll pay for it,” she whispers to me.

“I never wanted anyone to know,” I whisper back.

At my words, JT jumps up and I fall to the ground.  He looks right at Cal.

“Let’s go.  I’m going to beat the shit out of him.”  I grab him from behind.

“No JT, you’ll make things worse.  Just let it go.  Please for me JT.  Stay with me.”

He finally turns around and looks at me, “I’ll be back for you Jay.”  He pushes me toward Molly and says to her, “Watch her.”

Him and Cal run out the door with me screaming, “Stop.”   I turn to Reed and plead.  “Please Reed, stop them.  They’ll get arrested and what then?  Please let’s just go after them.”

Suddenly, all hell breaks loose and everyone starts running outside to their cars.  They were all going to follow JT and Cal to Coach Branch’s house to catch ring side seats.  I pull away from Molly and run outside to try and find my own ride.  Reed grabs me from behind and pushes me toward his car with Molly.

“Get in,” he tells us.  I jump in the backseat and he whips the car around out of Cal’s driveway.  Coach Branch lives about fifteen minutes on the other side of town.  To get to his house you have to pass through a busy four-way stop.  When we reach that intersection, we first notice all the empty cars and trucks with their doors wide open.  I hear Reed first.

“God no,” he said and jumps out of the car and starts to run with Molly running after him.

I sat in the back seat and stared through the windshield.  Looking past the empty vehicles, I could see the tangled heap of metal on the side of the road.  At one time, it looks as if part of it was a dump truck and the other half used to be a shiny red truck.  Slowly, almost as if my body was possessed, I get out of the car and walk toward the wreckage.

The sirens blare in the distance coming towards us.  Everyone from the party was standing or sitting down crying.  Molly runs up to me and tries to grab my hands to stop me, but I push her away.  Someone else grabs me around the waist and I kick and fight for them to leave me alone.  Finally, I escape, running from them to the twisted metal.  The closer I get, I can smell the strong scent of gasoline that rises from the pavement.

I hear someone from the woods yell that they have found Cal.  Looking deeply into the wreck, I can see the driver of the dump truck hanging upside down behind the wheel.  He is not moving and something dark pours from his neck.  I can’t stop myself from trying to look where JT should be in the red twisted metal.  My heart flutters when I see he is not there.

Jumping up with hope, I look around the wreck to see if he is standing with anyone.  By now the Emergency Response Team has arrived and they are trying to move everyone away.  I hear Molly yelling for me, but I run to the woods where I can hear people crying for help.  I throw my shoes off and race faster towards the voices.

“JT,” I scream for him.

I stop at the small clearing where everyone is standing, crying as they look away from something on the ground.  Reed looks up at me and tears stream down his face.  He rushes forward and grabs me, trying to turn me away.

“Look away Jay.  You don’t want to see this.”

Fighting to get away from him, I glance back and see what he is talking about.  JT lies on the ground.  His neck seems to be at an odd angle and his lifeless eyes stare back at me.  The pain hits my chest like a freight train and my body goes limp in Reed’s arms.

“NO!”  I scream over and over.  “Please God, not him.  It should have been me.  It was supposed to be me.”

The paramedics come over and try to move us all away from him.  Reed is cradling me in his arms as I continue to sob.  Looking back, I see another body on the ground.  More paramedics are performing CPR on him.  Reed pulls me closer and walks away.

“Are they dead?”  I hear Molly’s voice but I feel a million miles away.  Reed’s body shudders.

“JT’s gone.  I think they’re still trying to save Cal,” he sobs to her.

Hearing him say it, I feel a calm come over me.  I know what happens now.  This part I had planned all along.  My voice is much clearer when I speak.

“Put me down Reed.  I think I might be sick.”  I knew that was a sure way that he would let me go.  Once I’m down he pulls Molly into his arms and I take my chance.  I slip away and then run toward his car.  My name is being called behind me, but I continue faster.  Getting there first, I slip into the car and place it in reverse screeching backwards and away.

I drive straight to my house praying my parents are not home yet.  For once things go my way and I run in the house and lock the doors behind me.  Rushing upstairs, I pull the bottle from my hiding place and start to run water in my bath.  If the pills don’t kill me then maybe I’ll drown.

Setting down into the water, I turn the pill bottle up directly to my mouth and try to swallow as many pills as possible.  Some fall into the water, but I continue turning it up until they’re all gone and settle back against the tub.  The water runs from the faucet, filling it by the minute and times passes for me.

My heart thunders loudly in my head as it slows with every beat.  I drowsily watch as the clear water crest over the rim of the white porcelain tub and flows over the side.  Different colored pills float in the warm water.  The red dress I have on seems to ripple beneath the water becoming one with the flow.  I no longer feel the heaviness of my legs weighed down by the water.  My head leans back against the rim and slowly I shut my eyes closed, letting the peace envelop me.

I have lived with this soul burning pain for too long.  Let it eat me from the inside out, making me sick from all the lies and deception.  It was my hideous shame and ultimately my sin.  I was tired of fighting.  I was tired of hurting, but all this was not the reason for this moment as it should have been.

With my eyes closed, I can picture his face with those shiny blue eyes that will always haunt me.  His smile as he kissed me, flashes through my mind.  For a moment, I had felt whole again, but it’s all over. It’s too late.  He is gone from my life.  My sins were supposed to kill me and not him.  Too many people are hurt and now everyone knows my secrets.

I think I feel his kisses on my cheek, but that could be the tears.  My heart knows the truth that he is dead and with that thought, I let the darkness overtake me.

Chapter 11

Lying awake with my eyes closed in the hospital the next day, my mind still refuses to process the last twenty four hours completely.  Someone is speaking with my parents in a hushed voice that I never thought I would ever hear again.  He is arguing with them saying that he refuses to leave and that he will not leave me alone again.  His voice breaks as he explains that he can help me.

Molly is crying in the background and she is telling my mother that she agrees with Kane.  She says that I love him and that he might help.  A nurse comes in and says that she needs to speak with my parents outside.  As they leave, I can hear Molly whispering to Kane.

Evidently my parents were right behind me getting home last night.  Molly and Reed had called the police when I had taken his car.  Between them and my parents, my attempt only landed me here in the psyche ward of the hospital after they brought me in and pumped my stomach.  She says to him that once I gained consciousness, I fought everyone in the emergency room, swearing to finish the job if they didn’t let me die.

Molly asked him how he heard what happened and Kane tells her that Jill got a call from Kip and she called him immediately.  Molly wanted to know if he knew about the video and he told her yes.  Molly then says something about Coach Branch being arrested last night.  Her phone rings right then and I hear her excuse herself.

I lay still as death.  The screeching of a chair being pulled next to me rings in my head and I winced at the sudden pain.  He leans down with his mouth against my ear and whispers, “You can’t wake a girl that pretends to sleep.”

My eyes open directly to his.  I try to speak, but my throat feels like someone has set fire to it.

“That’s what happens when they have to put a tube down your throat to empty your stomach.”  His hoarse voice says as he grabs a glass of water on the table.

Leaning it towards me, he holds the straw to my mouth.  I can only swallow a little bit.  Clearing my throat, I try to talk again.

“Leave, I’m not going to be here long.”  Looking at me, he knows what I mean.

“You’re not going to be in the hospital long or you’re not going to be on this earth long?”  I glare at him and shake my head.

Kane placed my glass of water on the table.  Leaning back down over my hospital bed, he grips the rails on either side and lowers his face close to mine.

“You listen to me, I’m not leaving you.  Not for a second.  Do you really think I will let myself lose another friend?”

“I’m not your friend,” I whisper.

“Your right Jay, you’re not my friend.  You are so much more to me and these past couple of days didn’t change that.  So we’ll get through this together or we will not get through it at all.”

I shake my head at him and say, “I don’t want you here.”

He kisses my cheek and whispers back, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Turning my face from him, I close my eyes tight and choose my path again.

Note from the Author

Jay’s story is far from finished.  In real life, depression is an uphill battle that is not easily cured.  It affects millions of people daily.  If you or anyone you know have had thoughts of suicide, please, please get help.

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/     1-800- 273-TALK (8255)

http://rapecrisis.com/ - 210-349-7273

Acknowledgments

First and foremost, I have to thank the most wonderful husband and father EVER.  The only reason this household has clean clothes, dinner in our bellies, and most important clean sheets is because of this man.  He even buys the good smelling detergent.  Your Momma raised you right.  Thank you for keeping the complaining to a minimum when I locked myself away with my music blasting in my ear buds and kids running wild through the house.  You’re my best friend and I thank God every day for you being in my Biology class.

Thank you to my three precious hellions.  Cannon you made me a mother.  How can I ever repay that?  I love you baby boy.  Reese you are the reason I’ll probably have gray hair in the next couple of years, but keep up your independent ways.  It will make you a strong adult.  Last, but not least, Madi Grace you have an adventurous spirit.  I pray that you keep that and it takes you for a wild ride through life.  Just please take me with you.

To Mom and Dad, thank you for growing a dreamer and allowing me to make mistakes, but always being there for me no matter what.  I made it hard and impossible at times.  Thank you for loving me anyway.  I love you guys.

What can I say Lynn.  You’ve been here since the beginning.  You are like my other mother and the first person I call for advice.  Thank you for loving me and supporting me.  I haven’t forgot about you Monk.  You know I love you too!!!

Donna, thank you for taking the time to help me edit my book.  You are one fabulous friend and your input was invaluable.  Keep being the wonderful WOMAN that you are!!!

Christan...love ya Girl!!!  Thanks for reading chapter by chapter for me and for helping me keep Kane “douche” free...lol

To my VB club girls, Erin, Courtney, Shan, Ela, and Trina.  Ya’ll ladies are crazy, but I LOVE IT!!!  Thank you for giving me some comic relief when I thought I was going to lose it during writing this book.  Erin, you are my sister from another mister.  Thanks for responding to my ten million whiney text messages.  Bring on the smutty VB pics!!!  We got a trip to plan Ladies!!!

About the author

Nicole Reed can be found at or watching a football game for most of the year.  The rest of the time you can find me hauling kids all over the great state of Georgia to baseball or gymnastic practice.  When I get a second for myself, you will find me hidden somewhere in my house (I’m not giving my hidey hole away) with my ear buds in, a kindle in my hand with my laptop and phone sprawled on my lap.  I’m a multi-tasker YO.   I’m a serious music junky and listen to anything and everything.  You can check out what I’m listening to now at my blog www.nicolreed.wordpress.com.or www.facebook.com/ruiningme