Finding Ever After

By Stephanie Hoffman McManus

Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Epilogue

Prologue

I wished mommy would get better. She’s been sick for weeks. Even more sick than that time in the second grade when I got the chicken pox and had to stay home from school. She’s been to lots of doctors, but none of them have helped her. Last week, when my best friend Sebastian Cross and I were supposed to be upstairs doing our homework, we went downstairs to get a snack and we heard mommy talking to his dad. They were talking about a special doctor that Mr. Cross works with. He wanted mommy to go see him. She’s gone to lots of different doctors, but I heard her say she was scared this time.

Mommy never gets scared, not when I hear noises in the dark at bedtime, not when I see spiders crawling on the floor and not even when Bas and his big brother, Christian, make us watch those horrible monster movies they love. She’s the bravest person in the world.

I don’t want mommy to be scared.

*    *    *

Today Mommy went to see the special doctor that works with Bas’ dad. He figured out what was wrong with Mommy and it’s bad. Really, really bad. When Mr. Cross dropped me off after school, he wouldn’t let Sebastian come over. Bas comes over every day after school, so I knew something wasn’t right. I walked in the house and Mommy was sitting on the couch in the living room. Her eyes were all red and puffy. She had been crying just before I came home.

“Mom?” I asked scared of why she was crying.

“Hey sweetie.” She looked up and tried to wipe her eyes. “Why don’t you get started on your homework and I’ll fix you a snack.” She tried to pretend nothing was wrong.

I dragged my backpack into the kitchen, just like I would any other day, and pulled out my schoolwork. I didn’t know what else to do. Mommy didn’t cry after she saw the other doctors. The way she was looking at me now, while I sat there trying to concentrate on my math, made me think she wanted to cry a lot more. That’s how I knew it wasn’t anything like the chickenpox.

I didn’t like how quiet it was and how sad her eyes were. I had to ask, even though I was scared of what she would say. “Mom, did the new doctor figure out why you’ve been sick?”

It felt like forever before she answered. “Yeah Jaxyn,” she sighed, “he did.”

“Is that why you’re sad?”

“Yeah baby, that’s why I’m sad.”

“Is he gonna make you better?”

“He’s going to try sweetheart, but Mommy might not get better.” Her eyes were getting real shiny as she answered my questions.

“What do you mean you might not get better? Isn’t that what doctors do, make people better? Bas’ dad is a doctor and people take their kids to see him, when they’re sick or hurt, and he makes them better. Why can’t your doctor just make you better like Mr. Cross does for all the kids?” My voice sounded funny and I didn’t like the way my heart felt like it was being squeezed too tightly. How could she say she might not get better? She had to get better.

“That’s true Jax, doctors do make people better, but sometimes people are just too sick to get better, no matter how hard the doctors try.”

“What’s wrong with you? What’s so bad that the special doctor can’t fix?” I knew my eyes were shiny too, but I was trying so hard not to let the tears out.

“I have cancer baby girl,” she said the words that ripped my hurting heart from my chest.

No, no, no! Anything but that. Please God, not cancer.

Jessica in my class said that her mom got cancer when she was very little and she died, and now she barely remembers her. In second grade Mom and Mr. Cross took me and Bas and Chris to a carnival. It was for a girl who used to babysit kids in our neighborhood. She had cancer too and even though they got lots of money from the carnival, she still didn’t get better. I knew we didn’t have that much money because I saw how worried Mom got sometimes when bills came in the mail. So how would she get better?

I jumped out of my chair and ran upstairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me. I collapsed onto my pink princess bed that Mom got me last year, on my eighth birthday. She and Mr. Cross spent three hours trying to put it together while Bas and I watched and giggled every time his dad would get frustrated and say bad words.

I tried not to think about that day, or the day after, when they took us to the zoo so I could spend all day watching the monkeys because they’re my favorite. When we got home we had a sleepover and Bas and I ate so much candy and ice cream that we were bouncing off the walls and jumping on that brand new bed all night.

I couldn’t think about those times, when I thought everything in my life was perfect, because now, nothing was perfect, and it might not ever be again. I just wanted to cry and not stop.

I didn’t stop. Not when I heard Mom knocking on my door and I still didn’t quit when she came in, laid down beside me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight until I finally fell asleep.

*    *    *

Mom looked pretty today. Her skin wasn’t so pale and her hair was finally growing back. I didn’t like when she lost it. I knew the medicine that made it fall out would hopefully make her better, but I still didn’t like it. I’ve always loved her hair, the same color as my favorite caramel candies, and it was so soft, softer than my dolls’ hair. I liked when she let me play with it. Hopefully it would be long enough for me to practice braiding again soon. Last month the doctor told her that she didn’t have to take that medicine anymore. I’m really happy because it made her feel yucky.

On days when she had to go to the doctor for her medicine she made me sleep over at Bas’. I wanted to stay home and take care of her and make her chicken noodle soup like she always did for me when I didn’t feel good, but she said she didn’t want me to have to see her when she was so sick. I made sure that Mr. Cross always checked on her and took her soup.

I think he would have done it even if I didn’t make him, he loves her too. I’m pretty sure Mommy loves him back. They think Bas and I don’t see how they smile at each other, but we do. We want them to get married like Bas’ mom did, with his stepdad Daniel, when we were in first grade. It would be the best if Sebastian and Mr. Cross lived with us and Bas got to be my brother. I‘d even take Chris too.

That used to be all I wished for. After Mom got sick, I didn’t wish for anything but for her to get better. I knew God heard my wishes because she was finally starting to act like her old self. She was smiling and laughing more, and she was even jumping up and down at my last couple soccer games. She and Sebastian always cheered the loudest.

Hopefully, since she was feeling better, it meant we’d get to go to my favorite theme park next month for my tenth birthday. Last year we had to stay home because mom had just started her treatment and was too tired to go anywhere, but that was okay. Bas and his dad came over with ice cream. We made sundaes and watched movies all day. They even put candles in my ice cream, since mom wasn’t feeling well enough to make a cake. It was a good day. Maybe this year, if Mom really was all better, I’d wish for Bas to be my brother again.

*    *    *

It doesn’t matter what you wish for or how hard you wish it, sometimes it just doesn‘t come true. I‘ve been replaying the day over and over in my head, how it should‘ve gone when I came home from school. It was a Friday with no homework; I should‘ve spent the evening eating pizza and beating Bas at that stupid video game, but that‘s not what happened.

“Mom!” I called out as I walked in the door after soccer practice.

“In here.” She answered from her bedroom. I didn’t hear the catch in her voice so I wasn’t prepared.

“Can I go over to Bas’? He got that new game that we’ve both been dying to play and Mr. Cross is gonna order pizza and –” I stopped as I walked into her room and saw her trying to wipe the tears from her eyes and hide the photos of my father that she didn’t think I knew about. She kept them tucked in the pages of her grandma’s old Bible.

Every once in a while I saw her staring at them with sad eyes but she doesn’t usually cry over him anymore. I could tell from how puffy her eyes were that she must have really been bawling before I came home. It had to be something more than my loser dad. It was at that moment that I remembered the reason Becky’s Mom had to give me a ride home from practice. Mom had her two year check up since going into remission. The look on her face said it all. It was back.

Please God, no.

But even as I sent up that silent prayer, I knew it was true. There was no point in even asking, so instead I did something I hadn’t done since I was six years old and wondered why most of the other kids in my class had two parents come to Parent Night.

“Tell me about my dad. What was he like when you fell in love with him?” I could tell that wasn’t what she had been expecting me to ask, knowing how much I hated the man who left her and broke her heart before I was even born. She took her time answering, trying to decide what to tell me.

“He was wild and so full of life and the most beautiful man I had ever seen. I knew he was trouble and that he was dangerous, still I couldn’t help but be attracted to him. He was so fearless and lived life completely on his terms, not caring what anyone else thought.” She paused and I knew she was remembering him back then.

After the first time I caught her looking at the pictures, I’d snuck into her room later to get a look at them. I knew he had been a very attractive man, but, even as young as I was, I could see what she meant when she said he was dangerous. It was in his eyes; something was off. They were cold and grey; they matched the hard look of his face. I spent hours staring in the mirror hoping that, even though I had his darker hair and those same eyes, which sometimes looked silver, mine would be warm and kind like Mom’s. I didn’t want to be anything like him.

Realizing I was still watching her, waiting for her to go on, Mom continued. “All the girls wanted him and he loved that. He left a trail of broken hearts in his wake. I thought I could be the one to tame him, that he would change his ways for me if I just loved him enough.” She paused again, this time because I knew it was hard for her to speak about this to me. It was definitely more than she had told me when I was younger.

“I think that, maybe, he tried at first, that he wanted to love me back, but the truth is, he was made for walking away and it was always going to happen that way. I just let myself see what I wanted. I believed his lies and fell for every line and by the time I realized he would never actually let me in, it was too late for me because I had already given him everything.”

The tears streaked down her cheeks again and I knew my face matched hers. I just couldn’t imagine how anyone could not love this amazing, special woman in front of me. How could someone just throw her away like that? Mom quickly wiped her eyes when she saw how upset I was becoming, but she was mistaken about the reason my heart hurt.

“Oh baby girl, you know I don’t regret it, not a single moment of it, because I got you and you are the best thing to ever happen to me. I will always love you, no matter what happens.” I did know. Not once in my life had I ever doubted how much she loved me.

“I know mom and I love you more than anything. You’re the best mom in the whole world.” I had to make sure she knew how much she meant to me. My words brought more tears to her eyes and then we were both sobbing for a completely different reason and not because of the man who should have loved us both, but failed.

“I need you to promise me something sweetheart,” she said when she lifted her eyes to meet mine again.

“Anything Mom.” I meant it. I would give her anything she wanted and do anything she asked of me.

“Promise me you’ll be careful with your heart, sweet girl, that you’ll protect it and won’t give it away to just anyone. Wait for the man who is going to cherish it. You’re a princess and don’t you settle for anyone who doesn’t see that. You deserve a real Prince Charming.”

“How will I be able to tell the difference between a prince and one of the bad guys?”

She thought about my question for a moment. “You know how much I love you, how special you are to me and how I would do anything for you, give you the entire world?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do,” she said softly, and encouragingly. “Come on sweetheart, how do you know I love you?”

“I just do.” It was hard to explain how I knew it, I just did. “I see it when you look at me, when you smile at me for no reason and when you laugh at my jokes that even Bas doesn’t think are funny and even when you get mad at me or are disappointed in me, I still see it. I feel it when you hug me and hold my hand when I’m scared or sad.”

“Where do you feel it baby girl?”

“In here,” I answered her, raising my hand over my heart.

“Exactly Jaxyn. You’ll know when it’s real, you’ll feel it. Trust that feeling and, most importantly, you need to remember that, no matter what, you are worthy of that love. Unfortunately, when I was your age, nobody showed me what it looked like or made me feel like I deserved to be loved just the way I was. So I settled for an imitation.”

I knew that my Mom didn’t have the best relationship with her parents when they were still alive. I didn’t remember ever meeting them. They died when I was two and I didn’t think they wanted anything to do with me, which was just fine because I wouldn’t want anything to do with them if they were still here.

“I don’t ever want you to have to settle in life Jax. Don’t be afraid to be who you are and fight for what you believe in and what you want. If it’s really worth having it won’t come easy; that’s especially true of love. It’s easy enough to fall in love, that’s why they call it falling, but making it last will take time and work. If you do it right though, you’ll only have to do it once and it will be forever. That’s the kind of love you deserve Princess.” I hung on her every word as she looked down at me with so much emotion in her eyes.

“There’s going to be pain and disappointments in life, but don’t let them break you. Refuse to let them confine you because you have so much to offer the world, too much to ever be limited by fear or doubt. If you remember that baby girl and don’t let this world change you, then you are going to soar through life with a fire and passion that few are bold enough to embrace.”

That day I promised to remember her words and to try and live them out. Seven weeks later, just three days before my twelfth birthday, she was gone. My life changed forever, and that promise got harder and harder to keep.

Chapter 1

After four days on the road, seeing the flash of green sign out the windshield, that proclaimed 150 miles to Boston, brought back the memory of the day I fled Massachusetts when I was eighteen. I was filled with the same nervousness now, that I’d felt back then. I remembered it like it was yesterday . . .

My cell phone buzzed again with a new text. That made five in the last half hour that I had ignored. I didn’t need to check them. I knew who they were from. By now Vi and Bas would be wondering why I hadn’t showed up at Josh’s graduation party. After we left the restaurant where Mr. Cross and Vi’s parents had treated us to dinner, I had promised to meet up with them there.

I had no intention of showing up at that party. My bags were packed last night and I made sure everything was ready to go before I left the house this morning for the ceremony. The nervous anticipation had been building all day. I was terrified of leaving behind everything I had ever known, but I couldn’t stay here. It was time to keep the promises I made to my mother as a young girl. I had done a poor job of honoring them, and her memory, since I lost her six years ago.

It was time for a change. I couldn‘t keep blaming my father for my misery. Regardless of who he was and what he had done, the truth was, I stopped fighting for anything a long time ago. I did what I promised her I wouldn’t. I let him and Connor rip away the pieces of me that were left until I didn’t even recognize the girl in the mirror. The eyes that stared back at me resembled a much colder pair that I had become very familiar with since I was forced to go live with him after Mom was gone.

Realizing I was turning into him, that I was becoming just as cold and distant as he was, crushed me, but it was what happened after, what Connor did that finally pushed me over the edge. I knew I had to get out and get as far away as possible. I wasn’t safe here. I’d spent the last four months planning my departure. I hadn’t told anyone of my intentions, not even Bas. He wouldn’t understand. He would try to talk me into staying. He was still counting on us living in the same dorm at Boston U. We’d been talking about going there since freshman year. Bas knew what he wanted; he was going to be a brilliant doctor just like his dad. Problem was, I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, but I knew I wouldn’t find it here.

I dropped my cell phone on the bed; I wouldn’t be needing it anymore. I pushed away the guilt of abandoning the friends who had always been there for me and grabbed my bags. I knew I had people here who loved me, but I just couldn’t stay for them. I shut my bedroom door behind me and hurriedly made my way down the stairs before my half siblings, or one of my father’s thugs, noticed I was leaving with all of my possessions in tow. Thankfully there was no one around to witness my hasty exit and I would be long gone before any of them realized it. I didn’t even hesitate as I threw my car into drive and put that place in my rearview. I wouldn’t miss anything or anyone in that house; it was never home.

That was almost exactly three years ago. I escaped my father‘s house that June, without so much as a goodbye, or even a letter to anyone explaining why I left or where I was going. When I left, I wasn’t sure how long it would be before I would return home, and now that I was so close, I didn’t know what awaited me there, but I was finally ready to face it. I hoped.

After the surprise visit I’d received last month that had rocked me to my core and changed my perspective on so much I thought I knew about my family, I’d been so sure that I needed to go home. Now I doubted myself again. I just had to remember everything Shane had shared with me, all the reasons it was time to go back.

The miles ticked away quickly as my faithful Subaru traveled along I-90. The closer I got to my past, the more a mixed sense of excitement and dread built inside me. I left Oregon four days ago and the trip East had seemed to go by at a crawling pace. Now, so near the end, it felt like the miles passed in seconds and it was no time at all before I was turning down the familiar suburb streets of Needham, just outside of Boston. It was just after seven, twilight was settling in the sky, when I pulled into the driveway of the place that housed all of my childhood hopes and dreams, as well as the immense grief for my loss. I had avoided confronting all of it for such a long time. I started running from things well before three years ago.

The house belonged to me. Mom had made sure nobody would be able to sell it or do anything with it until I was old enough to decide for myself what I wanted. I hadn’t been back inside since her funeral. After she passed, I’d stayed next door at Bas’, but the day of the service, I was so lost and scared, I just needed her comfort. I thought I would be able to feel her there, in that place we shared so many wonderful memories. So I went back in, but she wasn’t there. I didn’t feel anything but alone. I was just a kid then and all I’d understood was that my life had been turned upside down. After that I couldn’t bring myself to face the emptiness of the place that used to be filled with so much warmth and love.

I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to relive the memories that I knew would assault me the moment I stepped through the front door. Just seeing it from the outside triggered such an intense wave of emotions that I couldn’t bring myself to get out of the car. I sat there, staring at the house, trying to build up courage, when a tap at my window startled me out of my thoughts and I let out a high pitched-squeal. As I turned to face the stranger, my surprise increased at the sound of a voice that was actually very familiar to me. I had wondered if Mr. Cross still lived next door or had moved away.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you, but I live next door and saw you pull up. I noticed you were just sitting out here, is there something I can help you with?” I could tell he hadn’t recognized me yet, even as I rolled down the window and looked up at him. I couldn’t bring myself to respond so I just removed my sunglasses and stared at him. I saw the moment recognition flashed in his eyes and he gasped.

“Jaxyn?” I just nodded, still unable to speak. “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you with the hair and all and . . . you just look so different.” He seemed to be having a hard time accepting that I really was sitting there in front of him. I finally managed to open the door and step out. I wasn’t prepared to be pulled into a hug the moment my feet hit the cement and I stumbled into him. He squeezed so tightly I couldn‘t breathe.

“I’ve missed you so much sweetheart. We all have, especially. . .” he trailed off. The hurt on his face was obvious. I knew who he was referring to. “I just can’t believe you’re back, but I‘m so happy that you are.”

It took everything I had to hold back the waterworks. This was home. Not the overstated mansion I ran away from, not the different apartments in any of the four cities I had lived in since, but this, right here; being held like a small child by the man who is more my father than the guy I share DNA with. At that moment, the weight of just how much I had missed this feeling hit me, and I had to step out of his embrace before I turned in to a blubbering mess. His arms remained outstretched, with his hand on my shoulders, while he looked down at me with a million questions burning in his eyes.

“Did you just get back? Are you staying? Where have you been? Why did you leave without telling anyone? Were you in trouble?” I had anticipated being bombarded with those questions and more, but I was too overwhelmed to get into it now. He seemed to understand the state I was in and didn’t push, even though I knew he was dying to have answers.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jump into an interrogation, it’s just that it’s been three years." There was so much sadness in his eyes and voice."You’re like a daughter to me and it was so hard not knowing if you were alright.” I was swamped with guilt, imagining the worry he must have felt.

“You probably want some time to process being here. It looks like you’ve got all your stuff packed up in your car; I’m guessing that means you’re staying here, at least temporarily. Do you want help carrying everything inside? I promise I’ll let you settle in before I start back up with the inquiry.”

“Sure, that would be great. Thanks.” I knew he was hoping for more of an explanation, at the very least about the length of my stay, but I wasn‘t ready. When he realized he wasn’t going to get anything more from me, he began unloading the boxes and bags that were piled in the back of the Subie. I grabbed my large duffel and felt for the familiar old key that still hung from my key chain.

I took a deep breath and made my way to the porch, halting in front of the door as I steeled myself for the rush of memories and emotions I knew would come as soon as I turned the key in the lock. Mr. Cross had followed close behind and, sensing my apprehension, didn’t say a word, giving me the time to pull myself together before I finally entered.

It was exactly as I remembered it; the furniture, the carpet, the pictures. Everything was just how I had left it the last time I set foot in here. I was expecting dust everywhere, sheets and the inevitable musty smell that came with leaving a house unoccupied for such a length of time. I was stunned to find none of that. It still looked lived in, as if just yesterday Mom had vacuumed and tidied up, and the fresh clean scent that assaulted me was left by her having just done laundry.

I knew all of that to be impossible, but nevertheless, for a split second, I felt the hope and warmth rise up within me, only to be replaced a moment later by an ache so deep in my soul, I knew that no matter how much time passed, it would always be a part of me. Even so, time had allowed me to heal to the point that it no longer had the ability to cripple me. I’d always miss her, I’d feel that loss every day for the rest of my life, but I wouldn’t let it define me.

It was Mr. Cross’ voice that snapped me out of my reverie. “We still had the spare key and Sebastian didn’t want it to be neglected. He said you’d come back and when you did, he wanted it to be ready for you. We had a cleaning company come in once a month to keep the cobwebs at bay and air everything out. I think someone was here today.” It explained the lack of dust and the fresh laundry smell. It was just like Bas to make sure everything was ready for me to come home even though he didn’t know when that would be. “Where do you want me to put this stuff?”

“You can just stack them there,” I told him, gesturing toward the wall separating the entryway from the living room. “I’ll sort through them later and figure out where I want everything.” He just nodded and set the boxes down, returning to the car to haul in the remaining ones.

Even though all of my belongings were loaded into the car, it still wasn’t much and only took minutes for the two of us to haul everything into the house. After we had everything inside, there was a brief period of awkward silence, neither one of us knowing what to say next. I knew that he would be the one to break it. I could see the question building in his expression and I knew exactly what it was he was going to ask. I also knew he wouldn’t leave without an answer, no matter how much time he had promised me to get settled in.

“Does Bas know you’re back?”

“No.”

“Yeah, I figured. If he did, he’d be here right now. We all missed you something fierce kiddo, but it devastated him when you left. I know there was never anything romantic between you two, but he loved you more than anyone, still does.” It was true. As much as I loved Bas, he would always just be the brother I wished for, and he thought of me as a sister, but we had been inseparable until I left.

“Was it really that bad?”

“Do you really have to ask?” He wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty, but my eyes dropped to the floor anyway. I couldn’t bear to see how much hurt I had caused and it was all there on his face.

“No, I guess not. I just hoped that maybe he would understand. I needed to go.”

“How could anyone understand when you left without an explanation or even a goodbye?”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I realize it was difficult-” He cut me off before I could finish.

“I don’t think you do realize just how difficult it was for any of us when you just up and disappeared, especially Sebastian. For days we worried something awful had happened to you. When you didn’t show up at that party, Bas and Violette thought you might have crashed in a ditch somewhere. When that wasn’t the case we spent a week panicking and thinking that maybe Connor . . .” He couldn’t bring himself to say it, but it was clear that he remembered the night Bas had brought me to him to be stitched up, just as well as I did.

“Once they finally bothered to let us know that you had, in fact, just packed up your stuff and left, Sebastian wanted to try and track you down so he could go after you. Chris and I had to talk him out of it more than once.” I didn’t even know what to say. I had known they would worry, but it didn’t cross my mind how deeply, or what they might think happened. I still couldn’t regret going the way I did.

“Look, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to lecture you and reprimand you, but you just don’t know what it was like to watch him miss you every day. The last three years were huge for him and he was expecting you to be here for all the things you missed. I think that’s even the reason he’s still putting off proposing to his girlfriend, he wanted to make sure you were here for that.”

“What? Proposing?” Bas was getting engaged? He had just broken up with his wench of a girlfriend, Amy, when I’d left. Wow. I had tried to keep up with his college life, stalking the school networking sites and online newspapers, but I really had missed a lot.

“Yeah, she’s a real sweet girl. They’ve been together for about two years. He’s got the ring and everything.”

“I’m here now,” I said. I wasn’t sure what my future held or where I would end up, but being back here and realizing how much had happened in my absence, I knew I wouldn’t be able to leave it behind so hastily again, no matter what.

“Yeah, you are, and you should probably talk to him soon before he hears it from someone else.”

“I will. Do you know where I can find him?”

“Yeah, I do. He’ll be at Great Scott tonight. Christian joined a band about a year ago and they play there pretty regularly. I know they’re playing there tonight.”

I couldn’t say I was surprised that Bas’ older brother was in a band now. He was always driving us nuts, beating on his drum kit. Part of the reason he spent so much more time over at their mom’s house when we were kids was because it was big enough that no one there had to be bothered by the noise.

“Thanks, I’ll head over there.” I let out a deep breath. “I’m just afraid he won’t want anything to do with me now.”

“He will. He might be mad as hell at you, but he still loves you too much not to get over it. That’s why he‘s so angry sweetheart. It may just take some time.”

“I hope so.”

“I’ll get out of your hair so you can do what you need to do, but, eventually, I would like to hear about where you’ve been. For now I’ll just be glad you’re back, but I’m here when you’re ready to give me some of those answers.”

“I will. I promise I’ll tell you everything.” Satisfied with my promise, he turned to leave. “Oh, and Mr. Cross,”

“Yeah?”

“I missed you guys too, so much, and I’m glad I’m home.” He flashed me a smile of fatherly affection and walked out the door. Hopefully Bas would be equally forgiving.

The door closed behind him and I turned to face the rest of the house. Looking at the familiar rooms and objects that were a part of shaping my childhood, I knew I could let the memories wrap around me, but at this point I would only drown in them. I had struggled the last three years to work through my grief and get to a place where I could think about her without shutting down or falling apart.

I wasn’t a scared, confused twelve year old anymore. I knew there really was so much of her left here and that, without a doubt, I would see and feel her in every inch of this place we’d made a home together. That was more that I was ready to deal with all at once. For now I would take it one step at a time and the first step was to get out of my travel clothes, take a shower and go see if I still had a best friend. If I could convince Sebastian not to hate me, then I should be able to handle anything.

Chapter 2

The drive from Needham into the part of Boston where the bar was located, took me just over half an hour and by the time I found a place to park, it was almost nine. Once again I found myself sitting in my car searching for some courage. He was probably going to be pissed. He might not even talk to me. There were a thousand ways this could go and none of them were going to be all hugs and smiles.

My fear of Bas’ reaction was ultimately outweighed by my need to see him though, even if he yelled at me, or refused to speak to me, or did one of the other awful things I had imagined.

I took one last look at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t usually so concerned with how I looked, but I was uncommonly nervous tonight. I had my insecurities, at times, with my appearance, but generally I felt pretty good about myself. I knew I wasn’t ugly; I looked too much like my mom to ever be that. She had been beautiful, like an angel, and my dad might’ve been a world class scumbag, but he was an attractive scumbag. I was slender with a few soft curves. I didn’t fit the model figure or have an overly athletic build, but playing soccer most of my life had given me a toned frame.

I had my mom’s delicate nose and her smile. My hair fell in the same soft waves hers had, to the small of my back. No matter how much I had wanted to reinvent myself after I took off, I could never bring myself to cut it. It did look like a Crayola bomb went off in it though, dyed different shades of blue and green, with pink and purple streaked through it.

My hair was a tad out there on the crazy scale, but the rest of my look was less extreme. I was rocking grey skinny pants that hugged my legs and accentuated the barely there curves I had, with a pair of black Chuck Taylor’s, a fitted, black Johnny Cash tee, and my well loved leather jacket.

Great Scott was always known for drawing a crowd, especially on nights like tonight, when they boasted live music. That much hadn’t changed. I squeezed past the group of smokers loitering around the entrance and, after paying the cover charge, I was immediately surrounded by a sea of bodies, most of them college age, which was pretty typical of bars in the Allston area.

Even with my unusual hair, my look was still pretty tame compared to some of the others around me. There were half naked girls and guys with spikes in their hair and more metal in their faces than you would find in a welding shop. There were also frat boys and sorority girls from the universities, and every other group you would find on a campus, from the hipsters to the jocks.

Some of them were moving and swaying to the music coming from the two girls with guitars up on stage. The song they were playing had a good beat and catchy lyrics. I would have to check them out more after I took care of what I came here to do. I needed to find Bas.

Other groups were standing around the bar talking, trying to be heard over the music. I moved closer to the bar so I could look out and try to spot him, but it was packed and I didn’t see any familiar faces. However, there were posters all over the place promoting a band called Ashes and Embers that would be playing later in the night. I wondered if that was Chris’ band. They must’ve been popular to bring in such a large crowd.

I was forced to break off my search when a masculine voice sounded from right next to me. “Do you like the band?”

I looked over to see one of the typical frat boy types on my right, leaning against the bar with a beer in his hand. He had been talking with a group of guys gathered at the bar moments earlier, but it appeared that he had zeroed in on me and was now trying to make his move. He was going to be disappointed tonight. He wasn’t bad looking, almost a good head taller than my 5’5 and probably an athlete. He was actually pretty attractive with his sandy blonde hair and baby blues and it helped that he wasn’t giving off a creeper vibe. Still, he wasn’t my type and that wasn’t what I came here for.

“Yeah, they’re pretty good,” I replied, trying to decide the best way to get out of making small talk that wasn’t going to lead anywhere.

“I’ve heard them play a couple times around here, they’re pretty decent. I’m Derek, what’s your name?” I turned to face him and mustered up the sweetest smile I could so he wouldn’t be offended when I blew him off.

“Jaxyn and it was nice to meet you Derek, but I’m actually looking for-” I froze when I heard his boisterous voice coming from behind me. Even with the loud music and noisy crowd, I would never mistake that voice. It was the same one that whispered to me through the tin can telephone we strung between our bedrooms as kids, so that we could talk even after being sent to bed, and the same one that cheered the loudest from the bleachers at my soccer games in high school. Oh God how I had missed hearing that voice every day. I turned, completely forgetting Derek and his attempts at flirting, and there he was.

During my brief conversation with frat boy, the crowd had shifted, and now, a few yards away, a table full of guys was visible. I could see his profile. He was laughing at something one of the others must have said. They were facing the stage, so I could make my way toward them without him noticing right away.

As I took in the four of them sitting there, I was surprised. They weren’t a group of guys I would have expected to see Bas with. The other three looked closer to their late twenties and a little rougher around the edges than my clean cut best friend, but he seemed so at ease around them, I knew they had to be good friends.

The guy sitting next to him was the first to notice my approach and as he shifted his attention toward me, I was met with a dark pair of eyes that held a mischievous twinkle. His head was shaved close and I could see the markings of a tattoo peaking out around the collar of his long sleeved flannel. When I continued to move toward the table, a cocky grin spread across his face, causing the other three to notice that his attention had shifted They all looked to see what, or who, had caught his gaze.

“Hey sweetheart, why don’t you come over here and sit on my lap,” he offered just as the last pair of eyes met mine. I stopped and didn’t even bother to acknowledge the guy’s pass as I stared at Bas’ stunned expression. Recognition was immediate and he was out of his chair and standing there, right in front of me, a second later.

“Jazz.” His voice was a mixture of shock and apprehension. It wasn’t the warm, enthusiastic reunion I had hoped for, but I had known, walking in here, how unlikely that was. My name caused a few whispers of recognition at the table. I guess they knew who I was.

“Hey Bas.” I released a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

“Hey Bas?” he echoed incredulously. “What the fuck Jazz?” I could see the anger building in those ochre eyes. I knew I deserved it, but it still hurt.

“I know.” I whispered meekly.

“The hell you do, Jazz.” His jaw tensed and he burned with a barely suppressed fury that I knew was going to be unleashed on me any second. I wasn’t the only to detect it either.

“So you’re the infamous Jazz?” Mr. cocky smirk asked, trying to cut in before things escalated. I had to force my eyes away from Bas’ searing gaze.

“No, I’m Jaxyn.” Nobody but Bas called me Jazz.

“But he called you Jazz.”

“Yeah he does. You don’t.”

“Whatever you say sweetheart. I’m Damien, but everyone calls me Spade. I don’t much care what you call me, but I look forward to hearing you scream it later.” My eyebrows shot up and my jaw dropped. I didn’t even know what to say to that. Thankfully Bas saved me from having to say anything; otherwise I would have stood there with my mouth hanging wide open.

“Watch it Spade,” Bas growled.

“What man? Your girl’s got a body that was made for-”

“Shut the hell up man and leave the poor girl alone,” the guy sitting in the seat opposite, cut him off and then turned to speak to me while my eyes took in his features. “Sorry about that jackass, his mama didn’t teach him any manners.” His smile was nice, and genuine. I immediately liked him better than Spade. He had long black hair, that I was pretty sure was dyed, tied back at the nape of his neck, and he sported several piercings on his pretty face. He was very good looking; in fact all three of the guys at the table were disarmingly attractive, in that bad boy sort of way.

“I’m Drew, but everyone calls me Ace and this is my cousin Danny.” He said, indicating the third guy at the table, with just as much metal in his face, and several wicked looking tattoos extending up his neck and covering his shaved head. He gave a terse nod, but didn’t have the chance to speak.

“I prefer wiseass, and my mother did teach me manners," Spade contradicted, "I just didn’t listen.” He winked at me as if I would find him charming. I glanced back at Bas who was still standing beside me glowering at Spade.

“It’s great to meet you Jaxyn. Our boy has told us a lot about you. Of course we all thought he was just making you up. He talked about you so much that we actually joked about you being a rare mythical creature, like a unicorn. It’s nice to know you really do exist. He would never show us any pictures, but now I see why.” Ace grinned, but it wasn’t the same as Spade’s lecherous one.

“Yeah, because she’s a fucking hot, rainbow unicorn. Tell me, do you taste like skittles?” Spade winked at me again. This guy clearly had no shame.

“Okay, that’s enough,” Bas interjected and then turned on me. “We need to talk, outside. Now.” I gave a dejected wave before he dragged me toward the exit and the verbal smack down I knew was coming. Once we made it through the crowd and out the doors, he prodded me past the smokers and around the side of the building.

“Three years Jazz. Three fucking years of nothing, not a letter or a phone call or even a damn text message to let me know you were alright, and then you walk in here with your puppy dog eyes, and your ‘Hey Bas,’ like I’m just supposed to accept that and go on like this hasn’t been the most awful three years of my life.”

“Don’t you think you’re being just a little dramatic Bas?”

“Are you serious right now?” he cried.

“Yeah. I know you worried and I’m sorry for that, but your life couldn’t have been that awful while I was gone. You’re doing so well in school. I saw you made the Dean’s list every semester and you’ve been tearing it up on the lacrosse team. I’m so proud of you Bas. I heard you even have a serious girlfriend.”

“Oh, so you got to check up on me, but you didn’t think I deserved to even know where you were? Well you don’t know shit Jazz. I had to throw myself into school and lacrosse to stop myself from spending every damn minute worrying about my best friend. You know how many times Chris or my Dad had to talk me down from just saying ‘screw it all’ and taking off to look for you? I didn’t have a damn clue where to even start. They can tell you what a grade a jackass and moody bastard I was for the entire first year you were gone.

“So much happened Jazz and you were supposed to be here for it. You were supposed to be there on move in day at the dorms and you should’ve been there when I failed my first exam and thought I was going to have to change my major because there was no way I was cut out for it, and you should have been in those fucking stands, screaming your head off every time I scored on the field. But you weren’t. You weren’t here. You were God knows where.” He wasn’t holding anything back and I could finally see the depth of betrayal he felt.

“Oregon,” I muttered.

“What?”

“I was in Oregon. Well I was in a lot of places at first, but I ended up in Portland and that’s where I stayed the longest.” I knew it didn’t count for much now. It was a little late, but I just needed him to stop so I could figure out where to start my apology and how to explain the choices I made; why I had to do it the way I did.

My feeble proclamation seemed to have the desired effect. Residual indignation burned in his eyes, but he was attempting to reign in his temper. More than anything, his expression was one of exasperation.

“Please just tell me. Make me understand how you could do that to me, to all of us who care about you. You know I wasn’t the only you left behind. Vi was pretty torn up too. So how could you leave us waiting for you to show up at that party, while you snuck out of town like you were fleeing hell?”

“I was.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I was fleeing hell, Bas. My life had been hell for a long time.”

“I know sperm donor’s place was bad,” he had always refused to refer to Jack as my dad. He wasn’t much of a father at all and bad didn’t even begin to cover it. “But you were practically living with us after . . .” Yeah, we both knew all about the ‘after.’

“You say you know, but Bas, really you don’t. It wasn’t just my dad or Connor. It was everything. I could hardly breathe. I think it had been that way since the day my mom died and it just got worse until I was suffocating. I never got to really grieve her. After her funeral I was so scared; I didn’t know what was going to happen to me. I just buried everything down to deal with later. Only later never came. I was twelve years old and had to process going from a loving home with my mother, to that group housing. For two months I was just a case number while they tried to figure out who my father was. Then going to live with him; the man I had despised my entire life, who had nothing but disdain and contempt for me; I was shattered Bas and I stayed that way. You saw how I changed. I know you did. I wasn't living. I was just barely surviving.”

“What you went through would have changed anyone. Why didn’t you talk to me before it got that bad, or hell even after it got that bad? I could’ve . . .”

“Could’ve what Bas?”

“I don’t know, done something. I would’ve done anything to make it better for you.”

“I know, and that’s exactly why I couldn’t. You were always saving me, trying to protect me and keep the bad stuff from coming at me, and I love you for that Bas, I do. You and your dad and Chris were all I had left after Mom, but by trying to keep all the bad away, and shelter me, I never faced any of it. That didn’t mean it wasn’t all still there. You can’t keep stuff that bad away. I just hid behind you.

“I know you didn’t mean for it to happen, but by treating me like a fragile china doll, that’s exactly what I became. I was timid and I gave in. I quit living and just went through the motions. You can’t imagine what it was like to look in the mirror senior year and realize I hadn’t even been participating in my own life, to not be able to find any trace of the vibrant girl I used to be. I looked back on those four years, and really every year since I lost Mom, and realized it was just a blur, one big canvas tinged with loneliness, confusion and apathy. I wouldn’t have even gone out for the soccer team if you hadn’t forced me to at the beginning of every season.”

At the end of each season I would tell him I was done, that it was my last season. He wouldn’t say a word, but then, after the school year ended, he would be outside my house every morning all summer long, making me run and conditioning me so that I would be ready when he dragged my butt to the first day of practices.

“It just got worse after that night. I was numb and I know you tried to help me. You did everything you could to keep me going and you were my rock, but nobody could force me to want more out of life, not even you. I didn’t know how to want it anymore, or where to start the healing, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen in Boston. My father wouldn’t let it. I was so scared of who I would become if I continued on like that. I couldn’t let myself turn into him. I just couldn’t. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you guys I was leaving, or where I was going, or even say goodbye, but I knew if I tried, I wouldn’t be strong enough to go, and I had to go.”

“If I had known that’s how you felt I wouldn’t have tried to make you stay, but I could’ve gone with you so that you weren’t completely alone out there.”

“I know you would’ve and I was so tempted to ask you to come with me, but I couldn’t let myself be that weak. I couldn’t do that to you. You were so excited about starting BU. You had your plan all mapped out and you were going after your dream. I couldn’t ask you to change that, or put it on hold, without hating myself more than I already did.”

“Fuck,” he exhaled deeply. “I guess I get why you had to go, but I don’t understand why you couldn’t have called once you got where you were going.”

“I wanted to. I wanted to so badly,” I told him, blinking back the tears, “but I would’ve come home the second I heard your voice. I wasn’t in the best place, alone with my thoughts and nightmares most of the time. Just about every day that was almost enough to send me running back to what was familiar and comfortable. I don’t know how to make it make sense for you, but I had to learn how to be okay with just me. I needed time to figure out who I even was anymore, before I could ever hope to work through my issues.”

He sighed. “It makes sense. I still don’t like it, but I do understand. I wish things could’ve been different, maybe if I had been a better friend I could’ve seen what it was doing to you.”

“Don’t you dare Bas! It was never about you, so don‘t even think about taking the blame for this. Without you, I probably wouldn’t even be here. Without you, I would have given up a long time ago. I know how much you love me and that there wasn’t anything you wouldn’t have done for me, but I needed to be able to love myself again.” He smiled, but there was still sadness in his eyes.

“You’re good now though? You did your soul searching and you came back here with your newfound sense of self, oh wise Obi Wan?" I couldn’t help but smile back at him and roll my eyes, which earned me a real Sebastian smile.

“Ha, not quite. I’m still a long way from good, but I‘m a lot closer to figuring out who I want to be, but more importantly I know where I want to be, and that’s here, home.”

“So you had to leave to realize you wanted to be home? That’s some logic you‘ve got there.” It was nice to have him joking again instead of biting my head off.

“Yes. Shut up, it makes sense to me.” I shoved him playfully.

“Come here.” He pulled me into his chest, and whispered against my hair, “I probably should’ve said this first, but damn I missed you Jazz. I’m glad you’re back.” I stayed tucked in at his side as we headed back inside. “You better never do that again.”

“Don’t worry; I won’t be leaving anytime soon. Besides, I’m gonna have to be here for you when, whoever the poor girl is you think you’re gonna convince to marry you, comes to her senses and you’re left a blubbering mess.”

“Very funny. How the hell do you know I’m proposing to Lissa?”

“I saw your dad when I stopped by the house, but hold up, did you say Lissa? As in Lissa fricken Dawson?”

“Yeah, Lissa Dawson. I‘m offended that you’re so shocked.”

“I’m just shocked you finally got the balls to ask her out. You had it bad for her all through high school. You used to stare at her like you hadn’t eaten in a week and she was she was a burrito from El Pelon.”

“Did you just compare my girlfriend to a burrito?”

“You know their burritos are delicious. In fact I want one right now.”

“I really missed your stupid, ridiculous ass.”

“My butt is fine, not ridiculous.”

“I don’t know, it kind of looks like you let yourself go while you were gone. I’m not sure you need any burritos.”

“That’s bull. I was running every day and even took yoga classes.”

“You did yoga?” He chuckled. “You have the grace of an elephant.”

“Yeah I did. That stuff’s real big there, but I didn’t say I was good at it. I tried quite a few things that would probably surprise you while I was off soul searching as you put it.”

“Like what, don’t tell me you were a stripper?” He knew me well enough to know that there wasn’t any reality in which that would ever happen.

“Very funny, but no. I took a pottery class”

“How did that go? And before you try to lie to me, remember I saw the clay pot and the turtle you made in junior high.”

“Yeah, I was about as successful at the pottery as I was at the yoga, and learning to play guitar.”

He laughed; full on, from the belly laughter. “I feel sorry for the poor fool who tried to teach you to play an instrument. I could’ve saved you that money and told you that you don’t have the patience for it.”

“I’ll have you know I did awesome in the painting class and the kickboxing class though.”

“Okay the painting I can see. You can’t sculpt for shit, but you’ve always been able to draw well, but kickboxing? No way! You’re about as ferocious as a kitten.” He was barely able to contain his amusement, but it was wiped away when my face became serious and I spoke again.

“I wanted to learn some kind of self defense. I didn’t ever want to feel so helpless again.” I could see in his eyes that his pain at being reminded of that night was almost as strong as my own. I immediately regretted bringing it up and tried to lighten the mood again. “Let’s see if you’re still cracking jokes when I knock you out, Chuckles. I’m actually pretty good.” My ridiculous threat broke through his somber demeanor and he cracked a grin once again.

“The only person you could knock out is yourself Shorty.”

“I’m not short, you’re just freakishly tall, Gigantor. That’s not going to stop me from kicking you in your face though.” This only caused him to snicker harder and I couldn’t help but giggle myself. I admit that all of my one hundred and twenty pounds was less than a match for his six feet and three inches of lean muscle.

We were both still teasing and trading insults as we neared the table where we left the other guys. In our absence they’d been joined by a couple of girls. A tiny blonde thing sat on Spade’s lap with her lips attached to his neck. He didn’t seem to mind. The other was a curvy redhead who was pressed up against Ace. His attention wasn’t on her though, but the intense debate going on between him and Danny over the outcome of a battle between Iron Man and Batman. Stupid argument really. Batman, hands down. Another reason I knew I would get along with Ace just fine.

Red, who was looking extremely displeased at being ignored, snapped her head up in an instant as a newcomer approached just in front of me and Bas. Her entire face beamed as he pulled up a stool next to Spade and his tongue wrestling partner. Bas and I were coming up behind him and even from the back I could tell he was attractive; broad shoulders, narrow waist; lean but not skinny. He leaned over the table and his presence demanded everyone’s attention, like he was a magnet drawing them in.

He was at least six foot, probably a couple inches over, with snug fitting jeans hanging low on his hips, accentuating a very nice butt. Yeah, I peaked at it before he slid onto the stool. I couldn’t help myself. If that wasn’t enough to convince me he was hot, the “do me” eyes Red was giving him would’ve done it. Even Blondie peeled her lips from Spade long enough to give the new guy an appreciative glance.

Bas and I moved up right beside him and just as my gaze was met by the most gorgeous emerald eyes I’d ever seen, I felt a shove from behind and fell right into the lap of their owner. Sprawled out over him, I could feel the hard muscles he had in all the places a guy should; strong thighs and well defined abs. The fitted tee he wore showed off strong pecs and thick biceps as well. His left arm was completely inked all the way down, making a full sleeve and his right hand rested on my hip where he caught me.

As my scrutiny reached his face and I was finally able to get a good look, I realized this guy wasn’t just hot, he was stunning. Like the rest of the guys, I put his age somewhere in his mid to late twenties. His jaw was slightly squared with just enough facial hair to give him a more rugged masculinity, and the way he was playing with the ring in his lip did things to me that sent a blush straight to my cheeks. His dark hair fell haphazardly across his forehead, in that strategically messy way and I wanted to run my fingers through it.

I couldn’t believe that I was having this sort of reaction to a guy. I think I was swooning, actually swooning. I hated that. My gaze dropped back to his and I could see that those intense green eyes were now lit with amusement. He was aware of the affect he had on me. I was determined to find something wrong with him, some flaw or imperfection that would restore my senses, only there wasn’t one.

Then he opened his mouth. “Not that I mind Princess, but I should probably know your name before you start getting frisky.” I stiffened. His voice was just as alluring as the rest of him, too bad he was an ass.

“That’s Sebastian’s unicorn. Turns out she’s real.” Spade had a cheshire grin on his face. It seemed he too, had observed my blatant ogling. This caused my blush to deepen and I quickly changed my look from one of admiration to one of annoyance, in order to cover up my embarrassment at being caught checking out the dark haired Adonis I was still draped over.

“I’m not a unicorn, I’m a girl.” I jerked myself off his lap, trying not to let them see how flustered I was. Mr. Gorgeous raked his gaze down my body in a slow, sensual perusal. He lingered briefly on certain areas before locking his eyes on mine, pinning me in place and sending a shiver down my spine that had nothing to do with the room temp.

“Oh I can tell Princess. You are most definitely all girl.” I was sure I was blushing twenty shades of red at that point and it only made him grin harder.

“My name is Jaxyn, not Princess.” Why did he call me Princess?

“Oh I know your name. We’ve all been hearing it for the last year. Now I get why Sebastian was keeping you hidden. I‘d like to take you away and keep you locked up myself.”

“Kyden,” Bas let out a warning. At least I had a name to put with his gorgeous face; such a waste of beauty though, when it came packaged with a personality like his. He and Spade were two of a kind. The other guys at the table were clearly entertained by the exchange taking place between the three of us and Red was shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

“Hey dickheads, we’re up in fifteen, so get your asses on stage.” I knew that voice. He spotted me at the same time I turned to look at him. An impish grin spread across his face. “Well shit. If it isn’t-”

“I swear Christian, if you use that nickname, they’re gonna need to find a new drummer tonight.”

“I’d listen to her Chris; she’s a bad ass now, pretty much a black belt. Apparently she was training to be a ninja while she was away.” I shot Sebastian a glare, letting him know I did not find his sarcasm amusing.

“Feisty Princess, I like it. Are you this . . . spirited, in everything you do?” He waggled his eyebrows and I narrowed mine at him.

“And you, my name is Jaxyn. Take your charm and sexual innuendos elsewhere because I’m not falling for it.” That infuriating smirk never left his face.

“Damn, what’s with all this hostility I’m feeling? It’s like you’re not happy to see me. Didn’t you miss me Tink?” I groaned as I heard the nickname Chris would never let me live down

“Nope, not even a little bit.” He knew better, but I’d never admit it.

“Why ‘Tink’ Princess?” I shifted my glare from Chris back to Kyden, making it clear that he should drop it. My intimidation face needed some work because it was doing zilch for me tonight. He just turned to Chris.

“Tink?”

“Short for Tinkerbell.”

“Don’t you dare Christian.” He better not tell them that story, it was mortifying, but of course he did.

“When she was a freshman she challenged Bas and I to a race back to our house from the high school. Girl was too cocky for her own good, and insisted she could beat us both, even though she was just  tiny little freshman and all dressed up from being at my senior night banquet. First one to reach the front door won, and the girl was actually damn fast. It was roughly a mile and a half from the school to our house and she was a few yards ahead of both of us when were coming up on the house, but we were closing on her, so she decided just to hop the fence around our yard instead of opening the gate. Her skirt got caught on the fence, and then she was left standing in our front yard with nothing on below the waist but her little pink and yellow Tinkerbell panties.” He had called me Tink ever since and I hated it. He would never let me live it down, thought it was hilarious. Apparently everyone else agreed with him because they all laughed at my relived humiliation.

“Cute Princess.” I could feel the crimson heat spreading up my neck and onto my face. “Oh Princess.” He leaned in close over my shoulder, until he was speaking softly in my ear, “You really gotta stop doing that. It makes me want to remove every piece of clothing you've got on so I can see just how far that blush spreads. I would guess all the way down.” I gasped involuntarily. He chuckled and walked off toward the stage.

Holy hotness Batman, what was he doing to me?

I’d never had this kind of reaction to a guy before. In fact I had very little experience with guys to speak of at all.

Spade and Ace both got up to follow Kyden to the stage, but Spade paused in front of me. “I really hope you’re wearing Tinkerbell panties tonight Rainbow, so you can toss them on stage during my solo.”

Ugh, I'm going to murder Chris in his sleep.

“I was fourteen!” I exclaimed.

“Missed you Tink, glad you’re home. Now hopefully this guy won’t be such a cranky asshole.” He gestured at his brother as he followed after his band mates.

If I thought the bar was packed before, the closer it got to time for the band to start, the more crowded it became. They had to be at capacity. Chris took his place behind his drums. He looked at home there. Kyden and Spade both picked up guitars and Ace strapped on a bass. Kyden moved to the mic that was front and center. Of course he would be the lead singer.

“Come on, let’s get closer to the stage. They’re actually really good.” Bas grabbed my hand and pushed through the crowd until we were just a few people back from the stage.

“Kyden McCabe is so hot. What I wouldn’t do for a night in the sack with him.” One girl beside us exclaimed.

“I know. Spade is damn sexy too. Honestly I’d do any of them. They’re all hot as hell.” Her friend responded. I had to think for a second. Damien’s nickname was Spade and Drew’s was Ace.

Clearly the two girls next to us were there strictly for the music. Looking around, I noticed they weren’t the only lust filled groupies in the room. Every female eye in the place was riveted to the stage. Even a few guys looked in awe of the dominant masculinity up on that platform. Each band member oozed confidence and a raw sexuality that drew people to them, male and female. As much as I wished otherwise, I wasn’t immune to it either.

Spade strummed his guitar, leading with what sounded like a complicated riff and then Chris came in, setting the beat on his drums. Kyden and Ace joined in on their guitars and they all came together. Then Kyden leaned into the mic and started singing the lyrics to their first song. Just like that I was mesmerized. They were incredible. Kyden’s voice was low and gravelly, with just the right amount of rasp to make me shudder. He sang each note perfectly, hitting high notes that I wouldn’t have thought his deep voice capable of. He didn’t just work the song, he owned it.

The girls were going crazy and I totally got it. They were a force up there; taking you to the edge and making you feel each emotion. They played a mix of covers and original songs. Each one was brilliant. Several times Kyden’s eyes met mine in the crowd, usually when he was belting out particularly sensual lyrics that set my entire body ablaze. They had to be close to the end of their set when Kyden stopped to address the room.

“Okay guys, are you ready for a new song? Last one of the night.” Kyden’s voice rang out through the room. The crowd roared their approval. “Then get ready to Breathe. It. In.”

Chris got a slow beat going on the drums that the others picked up and then Kyden came in with a raspy hum. His eyes met mine and I was completely, utterly enraptured. His soft voice wrapped around me like a caress, leaving me wanting.

“Feel the allure, it’s pure temptation

Feel the urge, it’s a base attraction

A passionate frenzy

A chemical reaction

Breathe it in

Sating our hunger

Just a chemical reaction

Feeding this addiction

It’s a sensual combustion

My touch like kerosene

Fueling that flame in your eyes

An invitation to sin

Now you’re on your knees, begging me to please”

Just a rising desire

Igniting a fire

The ecstasy taking you higher

Your lust consuming you on a pyre

Hot flesh on display

Just a chemical reaction

Filling this void

A sensual combustion

Pleasure ripped from your lips

Between the sheets

Screaming my name

Finding release

Your thighs shake

It’s an addictive high

Your hips quake

An explosion of need

Rapturous cries

Your body aches

Breathe it in deep

Breathe it in

Left intoxicated

By this chemical reaction

Seeking gratification

In a temporary bliss

Breathe it in”

Throughout the entire song, his dark gaze never left mine. I was held in place, even as the bar erupted into pandemonium, unnerved by an intense need that I had never felt before, pulsing within me. I didn’t know what to do with it, but it wasn’t good. Finally a crooked grin spread over his face and he winked at me, before acknowledging the boisterous cries of the crowd. He removed his guitar, jumped down from the stage and was immediately swarmed by a horde of females, riled up from the heated performance and erotic lyrics.

Sebastian looked at me with a knowing frown. “Be careful Jazz.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. They’re good, really good, but that’s all. I was just appreciating the music.” And the dangerously attractive singer.

“It looked like you were appreciating more than just the music.”

“He’s hot, so what.” I tried to play it down. “I’m clearly not the first girl to notice and I sure as heck won’t be the last. He knows how good looking he is and he uses it like a weapon. Trust me; you don’t need to be worried about me falling for that bad boy, player routine. You know that’s not my type.” At least it never had been before.

“Who's not your type Rainbow? If you say me, you’re gonna break my heart.” Spade had come up behind me.

“I think you’d recover just fine. Your blonde friend from earlier is heading this way, and she looks like she would be more than happy to help you forget about me.”

He smiled mischievously as he turned to watch her sashay toward him. He turned back and grinned at me. “I think you’re right, but I could never forget you Rainbow. So what did you think of the show?” He asked a little more seriously.

“You guys aren’t bad.” Didn’t want to inflate his ego anymore than it already was.

“Oh come on. We fucking killed it. Did you hear the chicks screaming for me, the ladies love them some Spade.” Yeah, his ego definitely wasn’t in jeopardy of returning to acceptable proportions any time soon. Enforcing his point, a curvy brunette came up to ask for an autograph, only to be shouldered from behind by the blonde just as he was inking his name on her stomach with a Sharpie.

“Beat it skank.” Blondie was clearly not into sharing.

“Ladies, ladies, there’s plenty of Spade to go around.” I just rolled my eyes. I didn’t understand girls who lowered themselves to vying for a scrap of attention like a dog. I could never bring myself to fight over a guy. I had too much pride and self respect for that. Where had Bas disappeared to? I needed an escape?

I felt a hot body press up against my back and a shudder racked my spine. He leaned in and whispered in that low, gravelly voice, responsible for making the whole of the female population lose their minds. “So Princess, did you like that song?”

I pretended not to know which song he was referring to and continued to look around for Bas. "Which one? They were all so similar."

Take that.

He wasn't fooled by my feigned ignorance."The one that had you breathing deep and your body aching for the release I could give you. That one Princess."

Arrogant jerk!

I turned to fix him with the most piercing glare I could muster, but before I could tell him just what an arrogant jerk I thought he was, or call him any one of the other fifty names that came to mind, a girl came up and wrapped her arms around his waist and nuzzled into his neck.

“Hey baby, you guys were amazing tonight.” She was beautiful; tall with long raven locks. Her tight tank top showed off her ample cleavage and tiny waist and her short, denim skirt and six inch heels, revealed long tanned legs. She could've been a model. She was the perfect match in beauty for him, exactly how I might've pictured his girlfriend, and she had the attitude to match.

“How cute, another groupie of yours Ky?” When she looked me over, I realized she was one of the girls that had been playing on stage when I first got to the bar. “You can run along now, and just a bit of advice, I’d change hair stylists. I‘d recommend someone who actually finished beauty school.” Apparently this place had an abundance of hot, talented musicians with repulsive personalities.

“Kaylie, chill. She’s with Christian’s brother.” I still hadn't figured out where Bas went, but he was getting a stern talking to for deserting me.

“Oh, how lovely.” Her expression was anything but. “I thought he was dating that uppity violinist. Chris really needs to talk to his brother about his taste in women.”

Seriously? I raised my eyebrows. I was not taking this. I was way past letting people talk down to me, especially those who didn't even know me. “Well it was great meeting you Kylie.” Yeah, I pretended I didn’t know her name was Kaylie, real mature of me, but this girl ticked me off. The sneer on her face told me she knew what I was doing. “Oh, and just a bit of advice, you should try shopping in the women’s department instead of the little girl’s. You might find a skirt that actually fits you.” Her eyes narrowed but Kyden’s eyebrows shot up and he choked on a laugh. She looked like she was seconds away from scratching my eyes out after that.

“Hey Jaxyn, everyone’s heading over to our place. Bas asked me to come see if you want to join. His woman called so he had to go talk to her.” Ace saved me from having to demonstrate eight months worth of kickboxing lessons on the harpy. The friendly and knowing smirk he was giving me, said his timing was not coincidental. He was quickly becoming someone I could like.

“Yeah, sure. If Bas is going, then I’m fine with it.” That was more appealing than going back to my own house and spending the night in the past. I might’ve come back home, but that didn’t mean I was completely done avoiding emotional distress. I think I had done enough confronting for the night. Tomorrow morning would be just as good a time as any for a hysterical meltdown. Tonight I was going to hang out with my best friend, his brother and their completely inappropriate friends, and not think about insufferable, pompous, egotistical, completely kissable, lead singers.

Chapter 3

The guys’ house was a lot bigger and much nicer than what I was expecting. I was impressed by the lack of empty pizza boxes, stale beer cans and the usual untidiness of an all male habitation. The only obvious indication that it was, in fact, a giant bachelor pad, was the enormous entertainment center with a giant flat screen hooked up to every imaginable game console, and the array of guitars and music paraphernalia on display.

All four band members shared the place along with Danny, and Ace’s younger brother Marcus, who was about as different from the rest of them as you could get. He was more, shy techie, than rocker; very clean cut in a cute nerdy way. Apparently he was a computer genius who had just graduated from MIT at 19. He was so soft spoken and polite when I was introduced to him, I didn’t see how he could possibly fit with these guys, let alone be related to two of them.

Along with the guys who lived in the house, Bas and myself, roughly fifteen or so others had accompanied us back and were hanging out in various states of drunkenness, most of them female. I was hanging out around the makeshift bar in the kitchen with a large group, including Bas and most of the band. Kyden was the only one absent and I kept telling myself that I wasn’t the least bit interested in where he was or who he was with. Only, as hard as I tried, I wasn’t actually buying it.

Danny and Ace had some drinking game going around the kitchen table. The intention of the game appeared to be to get Marcus as drunk as possible. It had taken a lot of cajoling and taunting to convince him to play. The two of them were relentless until he caved. As low as his tolerance seemed to be, I presumed he didn’t participate in many of their nights of drunken debauchery.

Thanks to some random chick, whose name I didn’t bother to try and catch, we were all treated to a shirtless Spade strutting around the kitchen. Nameless girl had shared how sexy she thinks tattoos are, of course prompting Spade to start stripping so everyone could admire the ink that covered much of his torso and arms.

I had to admit it was a mighty fine chest and he had some pretty impressive tats, but I wasn’t about to rub myself up on him like the other girl was currently trying to do. That earned her several dirty looks from Blondie who had followed us from the bar as well. The girls seemed to be as interchangeable to Spade as socks. I didn’t see much point in taking time to learn their names when they probably weren’t going to be around long. There were at least four different girls in the room waiting for their opportunity to swoop in.

I just rolled my eyes and turned my attention to the conversation Bas was having with a fellow med student who had come out to watch Ashes and Embers play tonight. They were nursing a couple beers and discussing some prestigious internship they had both applied for. Once again, I was reminded of how in the dark I was about the particulars of Bas’ life now because of my absence. Suddenly I was unsure of my place here and how I fit into this new life he had made for himself. I didn’t know if we could go back to being Bas and Jazz, or if things had changed too much. I really hoped they hadn’t.

“Hey, where’d you go? What’s going on in that colorful head of yours?” I hadn’t even noticed that his friend had wandered off and that it was now just the two of us standing there.

“Trust me; you don’t want to be in my head right now.” I was saved from further explanation when his phone went off.

“Sorry gotta answer this, it’s Liss.” He stepped out of the kitchen to find a quieter spot. I didn’t even have time to feel awkward standing by myself before someone approached me.

“Hey, did you know that Einstein wasn’t just brilliant but also quite the ladies man and a sexual deviant?” Turns out, after a few beers, Marcus isn’t so different from the rest of them after all. He walked up and put his arm around my shoulder.

“No I didn‘t know that.” I tried hard not to laugh, but even drunk and pervy he was sweet.

“It’s believed he had an IQ of around 160. Mine is 168, would you like to come upstairs and I can show you just how knowledgeable-”

“Not her killer. I’m sure there are some ladies in the living room that would be very interested in the size of your IQ.” Danny steered Marcus out of the kitchen, barely containing his own laughter.

“Sorry about that, we’re just trying to loosen my brother up and expand his horizons by broadening his social circle.” Ace grinned apologetically.

“You mean you got him wasted so you could try to get him laid.”

“Yeah, pretty much,” he admitted unabashedly. “I’m afraid I’m going to come home one day and find him building a robot girlfriend. Sometimes he’s too smart for his own good, most girls find it intimidating.”

“He’s sweet, when he isn’t trying to sleep with me.”

Ace snorted out a laugh. “Sweetheart, when is a guy ever not trying to sleep with you?” I felt my skin heat with embarrassment and I looked down to hide my flushed face. He let out a soft chuckle, obviously amused at my awkwardness. Even though my best friend was a guy, I was uncomfortable around assertive males and I was in a house full of them. Thankfully he sensed my discomfort and didn’t push it.

“Don’t worry I’m not hitting on you. Chris and Sebastian are like family, and you’re Bas’ family. We might be a bunch of assholes, but there are some lines even we won’t cross.” I could tell he was being genuine and I felt a little more at ease.

“Hey, what are you guys talking about?” Bas asked, returning to his position on my other side.

“I was just asking Jaxyn how you convinced her to be your friend. She’s much too sweet to hang with a jackass like you,” Ace responded. He was growing on me. I knew he was just giving Bas a hard time and beneath all the taunting and jeering the guys did, they were a tight bunch.

“Very funny, dick, but if you must know, she simply couldn’t resist my charm." He smirked playfully. He enjoyed telling this story, or at least his version of it. "She moved in next door to my dad’s house when we were five. A couple days after they moved in, she was riding her bike up and down the block when her pink princess bike got a flat tire. Being the chivalrous kindergartener that I was, I kindly offered to pump it back up for her. She was practically begging me to be her best friend after that.”

“What he left out is that earlier in the day, he slipped into my driveway and loosened the valve cap so that my tire would go flat and then he sat out on their porch swing waiting for his chance to swoop in and save the day. The whole thing was a set up so that he could talk to me.” Ace cracked up as I related the duplicitous acts Bas had omitted from his telling of the story. “Of course I didn’t find that part out until years later when he finally confessed to sabotaging my beloved pink bike. So I spent all that time thinking he was my hero, and by the time I found out otherwise, I was stuck with him.”

“Don’t even act like you weren’t riding back and forth, past my house, just hoping I would talk to you. Besides I had to do something, you were the only kid my age to move within three blocks of our house. I was desperate and tired of being ganged up on by Chris and the jerks he ran around with.” It was true that Christian and his big bad third grade friends had loved picking on us, but we always had each other’s backs after that day, and we got them back good plenty of times.

“You needed a girl to protect you from your big brother?” Danny had joined us and was enjoying ribbing Bas as well.

“Laugh all you want, but teaming up with this girl was the best decision I ever made. My brother learned real fast not to underestimate her and you’d be smart not to either. You can just ask Chris about some of the times she got him. She’s an evil genius, and there are a million stories I’m sure Chris would love to tell you.” Those were the good days, even though we almost always ended up in trouble, it was worth it. We were a team.

“I knew you had fire, but I didn’t realize you were so devious Princess.” Kyden’s husky voice rolled over me, prickling my senses causing a familiar shudder to course through me. How did he have this effect on me? And damn it, that knowing smirk said he was aware of exactly what he was doing. I steeled myself and met his penetrating gaze, returning it with one I hoped showed indifference.

“You don’t know me so you can save the Casanova routine. I’m not one of your weak-kneed admirers.”

“Give up man, it’s obvious she wants me.” Spade threw his arm around my shoulder and planted a kiss on my cheek. “It’s okay Rainbow, I’ve seen you checking me out all night. I know I’m irresistible.”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but it wasn’t you, so much as it was your ink that I was checking out. That’s some impressive work you’ve got on your body. Not the typical generic stuff you see a lot of either.” A genuine smile spread across his face instead of the smug grin he usually wore. I was willing to bet each piece had significant meaning; one of them even looked military. Maybe Spade wasn’t quite the shallow blockhead I thought he was.

“Thanks beautiful.” He still had his arm wrapped around me and he brought the other up to ruffle my hair affectionately. “I’d be happy to let you familiarize yourself with each and every detail in private. “And he was back.

“I think I’ll pass.”

“You change your mind, just let me know.” That wasn’t going to happen. “You got any tats Rainbow?” They all looked at me curiously, even Bas waited for an answer. He knew I was ink free when I left.

“What do you think?” I deflected back on Spade.

“I’d bet that you don’t. You’ve got the rebel girl hair going, but you’re all peaches and cream underneath, so sweet. You practically sparkle with innocence.” I think it was a compliment, at least I was choosing to take it as one.

“Nah, she’s not a virgin.”

My jaw dropped at Kyden’s blatant declaration. “Excuse me?”

He just smirked “Tattoo virgin, Princess,” he clarified and I wanted to knock that salacious grin off his face.  “She’s got ink. I’d bet Red on it.”

“Red?”

“It’s a guitar that belonged to Stevie Ray Vaughan.” Wow, he was pretty sure of himself. How could he be so presumptuous?

“Please tell me he’s wrong Rainbow, I want that guitar. It’s like a crown jewel of guitars.” I looked from him to Kyden and back to meet his hopeful face.

“Jazz?” Even Sebastian was curious.

“Sorry Spade, he gets to keep the guitar.”

“Damn it man. How did you know?”

“Lucky guess,” he answered but I was skeptical about that. He had been too confident for it to have been just luck.

“So Rainbow, where is it?”

“What makes you think there’s only one?”

“Shit, girls with tattoos are so damn sexy. How many you got?”

“More than one.”

“Oh come, on! Where are they?”

“Nowhere you’re going to see.”

“Aw, you’re killing me Rainbow. Help me out Ky.”

Kyden looked me dead in the eye with that unmistakable confidence. “Nope. I’ll see them eventually.” His dead serious tone and wicked smile sent a jolt of longing straight to my core, and I had to fight not to betray my calm façade.

“In your dreams.” Quite possibly in mine as well. Crap. I really needed to get control of myself. I was not this girl.

“You don’t want to know what’s in my dreams Princess. It’d make your cheeks turn that adorable bright red and then I’d be tempted to show you just what that does to me, and that, would be very bad in a room full of people.”

I felt the blush rise up my neck and spread onto my face. I bit down on my bottom lip to keep my mouth from falling open.

“Hey Ky, where’s Kaylie?” Bas barked out. Always my protector. I didn’t want this though, they were friends. I couldn’t let Kyden’s behavior get to me. If I could remain indifferent, then he’d get bored and move on. I needed to make it clear nothing was going to happen between us.

“Calm the hell down. I’m just talking to the girl.” Kyden fixed a pointed look on Bas, who just ignored it and stood up to get in his face.

“Don’t give me that Ky. I already told you to keep your shit away from her, so back the fuck off and go find Kaylie.” The hostility was rolling off Bas in waves. Everyone in our circle was focused on Kyden to see how he would react. He was a mass of tightly wound anger, but he didn’t so much as blink. His eyes just bore into Bas’, a silent conversation taking place between them.

I wasn’t going to wait for one of them to snap, or say something they’d regret. “Relax Bas, Kyden’s just screwing around, and I can take care of myself. Both of you need to let it go. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is going to happen.” Still neither one spoke or moved. I didn’t know what else to do. This was not how I imagined my first night back.

Finally Chris, who must have walked into the kitchen sometime during the heated exchange, stepped forward and put his hand on his brother’s shoulder to try and calm him down. Almost at the same time a shrill voice broke the tense silence.

“What the hell is going on?” It was too much to hope that she had just disappeared. I should’ve known Kaylie wouldn’t be far from Kyden for long. Just what I needed to make this worse.

Bas shrugged off Chris and turned to leave the room, obviously still angry. Chris tailed behind him. I wanted to follow, but I was frozen in place with Kyden’s stare now fixed on me, his expression unreadable. I was sure everyone was watching this moment pass between us, but I couldn’t look away. I didn’t even know if I wanted to. Thankfully I was released from his hold on me when, once again, Kaylie demanded to know what was going on, this time stepping between the two of us. He continued to ignore her and I hurriedly moved to go after Bas. As I stepped out of the kitchen Danny started in on Kyden.

“That was a stupid fucking move man. You can’t blame him for being pissed at you; she’s pretty much his sister.”

“Whatever. She’s just a girl,” was his only reply.

I made my way through the house, pausing at the partially opened front door. I could hear Chris’ voice outside. I softly pushed the door open, and discreetly stepped out onto the front steps. I wanted to hear what was being said without disrupting them. It was more than likely about me.

They were standing on the walkway below; Chris was trying to reason with Bas. “I know you just got her back and you feel like it’s your job to look after her, but she’s a big girl now and can take care of herself. She’s obviously been doing it for the last three years. You’ve gotta let her make her own decisions. You can’t tell her what to do or what not to do. You, more than anyone, know how well that works, and by trying to order him to stay away from her you’re just making it a challenge for him.”

“She’s too good for him. She doesn’t know his game. Come on, you live with him. We’ve all watched the never ending parade of girls. He gets what he wants then discards them to move on to the next.”

“Except she’s not like the rest of them; she’s far from his usual skanks.”

“Exactly. He won’t just disappoint her or hurt her. If she actually lets him in, he’ll destroy her. He’ll use her up and toss her out and I’ll be the one left to pick her up just like before.”

It would not be like before. I needed to speak up. “No you won’t, because that’s not going to happen.” They both looked up; neither seemed surprised by my eavesdropping.

Bas let out a deep sigh, and ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “You say that now, but I’ve watched him seduce countless girls. I saw the way you were looking at him in there, hell everyone saw it.”

“I’m gonna let you guys work this out.” Chris brushed past me, gently squeezing my arm and giving me a sympathetic smile. I descended the steps until I was standing on the last one, putting me at eye level with Bas.

“So what? Yes, I’m attracted to him; I sincerely doubt that any straight female wouldn’t be. Yes, he unnerves me more than I’d like to admit, but it doesn’t mean anything. That’s all it is.” At least that was the truth. “Do you really think I’d let myself fall for his game after everything I’ve been through with my father and Connor? Do you really think I’m so blind and naïve not to see through that, or did you just forget that he’s not the first jerk to try and get something from me?”

“No, it’s not like that. You’ve been through too much and I want to protect you from the Connor’s out there.”

“And you think Kyden is the same?” I was a pretty good judge of character; I had to be, living in my father’s world. I was definitely picking up arrogant jerk from Kyden, but that was still a long way off from what Connor was.

“No, he’s not as sick as that bastard. He would never intentionally hurt you, but he doesn’t respect women or care about how what he does affects them. He’ll break your heart if you let him.”

“I appreciate you looking out for me, but it’s really not necessary. I’m not going to let him.”

“Promise me, Jazz. Promise me you won’t fall for him.”

“Okay, I promise.” He was really worried about this. The least I could do was reassure him that he didn’t need to be. “You happy now?”

“Yeah. I am,” he snorted. “He might be a dick to the girls he screws, but he actually is a friend, I’d hate to have to beat his ass.”

“Well don’t worry, I’m sure after tonight this will all blow over and my novelty will wear off.”

“I hope so. He’s not always like this.” I cocked an eyebrow. “Okay, so he’s usually like this, but it’s different when it’s you he’s trying to mess with. He’s my friend and I’m used to his bullshit, but tonight he pissed me off. It’s one thing when the girls know what they’re getting themselves into, but-”

“No buts, I’ve officially been warned and I know what I would be getting into, which is why it won’t happen. So relax.”

“Okay, I believe you. I’m sorry if I freaked over nothing. I just don’t want anything to happen that will make you go away again.”

“I’m not going anywhere except back to my house and my bed. It’s been a long day and I don’t feel like going back in there.” I nodded toward the house. “Too much of this emotional stuff; I’m about ready to pass out from the exhaustion of it all.”

“Yeah, I should probably head out too. I told Lissa I wouldn’t be out too late. She was just getting off work when she called so I want to get home before she goes to bed. I’ll just run in and tell Chris I’m taking off.”

I grabbed his cell phone and saved my new number for him. He told me he hadn’t changed his just in case I’d ever needed him. He pulled me into one last hug before we said goodnight.

When I got home I climbed into the shower and stood under the hot spray, letting it wash away the stress of the evening. I felt all of the tension leave my body as my muscles relaxed beneath the almost scalding flow of water. The water had started to turn cool by the time I forced myself out and toweled off. I was too exhausted to bother unpacking. I just dug in one of my bags for an extra large t shirt and curled up on my childhood bed.

Chapter 4

I woke up with the strange feeling that I was being watched. I opened my eyes to see a pair of bright blue ones hovering above me. I startled and almost screamed before I recognized the bright smile and wild blonde curls.

“Rise and shine Sleeping Beauty.” It was way too early for Violette’s bubbly personality. How did she even know I was back already, and how did she get in here?

“What are you doing here Vi? You almost gave me a damn heart attack.”

“You just returned home after a three year vanishing act. What do you think I’m doing here?”

“I meant what are you doing here, in my bedroom, at the crack of dawn?”

“Eight o’clock is hardly the crack of dawn.”

“It is when I didn’t get to bed until after three in the morning.”

“Well whose fault is it really? If you had just called me when you got to town last night, I would have been partying with you into the wee hours of the morning and then we would both still be sleeping. But you didn’t, so here I am, and we are going to breakfast. Get your ass out of bed sunshine.” She yanked the covers back and I groaned.

“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t call you but I had to go see Bas and I didn’t think I could handle the two of you ganging up on me. How did you find out I was home anyway?”

“Lissa texted me last night. Hell of a way to find out you were back by the way, hooker. She was worried about how Bas would handle it and wanted to know if I thought she should show up at the party. I told her it would be fine; just to give the two of you space to work it out. I knew you two needed that, which is why I didn’t hunt your ass down the second I found out you were back either. I gave you your time with Bas, but now it’s my turn and I’m not leaving ‘til I get my Jax time. I’ve got three years to make up for, so get up before I drag you out of here in nothing but that t-shirt.”

I knew resistance would be futile. It was better to just give in to her. She was as tenacious as they came. A lot of people were fooled by the blonde hair and sorority girl image, but she was seriously smart; pre law at Boston U. She was also very out-spoken and could get fired up about the things she was passionate about. She was like a bulldozer when she set her mind on something; it was best not to get in her way. There was no winning an argument with her.

“Love the hair by the way,” she told me and I dragged myself away from the warmth of my old princess bed, and took the fastest shower of my life. It was hard to enjoy it with Vi standing outside the bathroom, beating on the door to rush me along.

After hurriedly dressing and applying minimal makeup, she shoved me out the door toward her shiny BMW. Vi’s dad was a partner at one of the larger law firms in Boston, and her Mom came from old money, so Vi always had the nicest things. She loved her Coach bags and Louboutin heels, but she never flaunted her wealth. Even though she led a pretty pampered life, she wasn’t stuck up like most of the girls at the private high school we’d attended. That’s where Bas and I had first met her our freshman year.

She drove us to a quaint café/coffee shop just a few miles from my house. I remembered it being a bookstore when I left, but the inside had been completely remodeled. It had a very eclectic, but cozy atmosphere. There was funky art hanging on every wall and the chairs were mismatched, but they all worked together to create a really laid back vibe that reminded me of the quirky coffee house that was a regular hang out for me in Portland.

We sat in the little area just off the entrance that used to be a reading nook when the bookstore was here. Back then I loved to come here to get away. I would sit in that spot and lose myself in a good book for a couple of hours. It still had a few comfy chairs and was set up to be an ideal spot to curl up with a book, or laptop, and your favorite drink. I could definitely still see myself spending a lot of time here, especially if the food tasted half as good as it smelled.

I ordered the caramel pecan french toast and a strawberry pineapple smoothie, while Vi opted for blueberry pancakes with some fancy coffee drink that took longer to say than it probably did to make. I had never been a coffee drinker, but Vi practically bathed in the stuff; nectar of the Gods she called it. She couldn’t function properly without it.

The waitress collected our menus and wasn’t two steps from our table before Vi started in, but it wasn’t the lecture I was expecting. “Okay spill. Right now. I need to hear all about the adventures you were off having while I was eating, sleeping and breathing LSATs.”

“Wait, you’re not going to yell at me for leaving and making you worry?”

“Nope, I’m sure Sebastian already covered all that.”

“So you’re not mad at me?”

“No, I am. Or I guess I was, but I think I understand a little better why you left. Don’t get me wrong, after I knew you were okay and had just taken off, I was ready to kill you for making us worry like that, but things were always different between the two of us than you and Bas. Maybe because I didn’t meet you until later, but I never saw you as the little girl who needed a hero like he did. I know I’m not Bas, and the relationship you have with him is even hard for me to understand sometimes. You two are so close, but being a girl, I think I get it a little better, what was going on with you then, what he couldn’t see.”

“So you don’t hate me for abandoning you guys? I feel like I let you both down as a friend. What I did was selfish.”

“I could never hate you and you aren’t a bad friend babe. You didn’t let us down. If anything it’s the other way around. You never should have had to feel like leaving was your only option.”

“I feel weak for running away.”

“It wasn’t weak. What you were dealing with wasn’t typical teenage stuff. You had real shit going on. Your dad is, well, who he is, and when he wasn’t making your life hell, he ignored you like you didn’t even exist. Your brothers and sister never did anything but torment you, and don’t even get me started on that son of a bitch Connor.

“Bas just wanted to make everything better for you and protect you by keeping you in a bubble. That’s how guys are. They want to fix things, and they don’t realize that sometimes that’s not always what we need. As much as I missed you, and as pissed as I was at you for scaring the crap out of us, I’m proud of you for taking control of your life. You’ve always been a lot stronger than you think, and I knew you were capable of handling anything. You just needed to figure it out for yourself. I knew you’d come home when you were ready to face it all.”

“I don’t know if I’m ready to face anything. So much has changed. I’ve changed, but I’m still not sure what it is I want for my life." I wasn’t ready to tell Vi about Shane finding me in Portland, and everything that happened during that visit. I hadn’t told Bas either. I wasn’t sure how either one would react. First I had to decide if it changed anything for me. I didn’t think anything would ever make me see my father as anything other than a ruthless monster, but there was a time when I thought similar things about Shane.

"I needed to come home though. I realized this was the best place to figure out what I want to do with my future. I do know that it won’t have anything to do with my father’s world, and I am done letting him have any say in my life. I’m hoping I can avoid confronting him for like ever though. In fact, it would be wonderful if he just never realized I was back.”

“Yeah, you know that’s not going to happen right?” Vi didn’t know everything about my dad, but she knew his name and that was enough.

“I can hope.” Our conversation was put on pause when the food arrived. It looked amazing and I was starving. I sighed as I took the first bite. It was probably the most delicious thing to ever enter my mouth.

“Damn, that must be some French toast; you look like you just orgasmed.”

“I think I might have, it’s incredible.”

“If your breakfast is getting you off, then I think you are in serious need of a man. That’s going to be my welcome home present for you. I’m gonna get you laid girl. You are obviously in desperate need of a night of wild, kinky, up against the wall, monkey sex.” I choked on the bite I had just put in my mouth. My face turned beet red as her explicit illustration caused an image of dark green penetrating eyes and a wicked smile to flash in my mind.

“Ooh, what was that look?”

“What was what look?”

“Uh uh, don’t try that with me. You just got all hot and bothered thinking about someone. Who is he?”

“No one. I mean there isn’t anyone.” Trying to deny it only made the blush deepen. I couldn’t believe I had even thought of him.

“Oh really? Because your face is redder than that smoothie you’re drinking. So come on, tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell, really. It’s just that there was this guy last night. He was probably the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen, but he was so arrogant and completely vulgar and degrading. He thinks he’s God’s gift to the female population and that he can do and say whatever he wants. He was so infuriating.”

“Oh, I’m sure.” She had a knowing look on her face. “Sounds to me like you’re trying a little too hard not to like him.”

“No. No way.” I protested. “He’s hot, but like I said he’s just another womanizing pig and I don’t want anything to do with him.”

“Okay, okay.” She conceded, a little too easily. “So what’s his name?”

“Kyden McCabe, he’s in the band with Christian.” Vi’s eyes widened and a sly smile formed at the corners of her mouth, “Oh, I know who he is, and if I were single I‘d jump him in a heartbeat.” Vi had been with the same guy since junior year in high school. She talked slutty, but Jake wasn’t just her high school sweetheart, he was the first and only boyfriend she’d ever had, which was one more than me.

“He’s not exactly relationship material.” I told her.

“I didn’t say anything about a relationship. I believe I said you needed-”

“Yeah, I remember what you said.” My face was still warm from the visual her words provided.

“Then you know he’d be the perfect one to give that to you. I’m sure he’s an expert at all things wild and kinky.”

“I don’t doubt that, but he's not my type.”

“No, your type is all straight laced, buttoned up and boring.”

“That’s not true.”

“You hardly dated in high school, and the guys you did go out with were as bland as oatmeal, and you, my friend, are not oatmeal. You are an ice cream sundae and that boy is the hot fudge sauce you smother it in!”

“Exactly! I don’t even like chocolate.”

“It was a metaphor. Normal, sane people like chocolate, and even though you shouldn’t eat it all the time, once in a while you have to indulge!”

“I don’t want to indulge, so can we stop talking about my love life.”

“You don’t have a love life. How many dates did you go on in the last three years?”

“I don’t know, a few, but dating wasn’t exactly my top priority at the time.”

“Let me guess, they were all wannabe bankers, or accountants or other stuffy, Prius driving, khaki wearing tools?”

“Those are all respectable careers. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to date someone stable and responsible, who can provide security.”

“Oh my goodness, you’re twenty one! You’re too young for words like stable and security. Now is the time for making mistakes and having one night stands, with sexy, bad boy musicians, that you can regret later!”

The last thing I needed was more regrets in my life. I have too many already, and my entire existence was one big regret for my father.

“That’s not who I am. I don’t do hook ups and random sex. I want to be in love and married before I . . . you know?” She should’ve understood why it mattered to me so much. “I’m the result of a hook up, you get that right? The guys I date may not make my blood sizzle and my heart skip a beat, but they do call, and they treat me with respect, and they also don’t instigate fights with my best friend.” I’d made a promise to my mother that I wouldn’t settle, but I’d also made one to myself. When I slept with a guy, gave him that part of me, it would be because I loved him, because he was my forever. I would be his and only his.

“Wait, what, a fight? Kyden and Sebastian?”

“Yeah, he was coming onto me last night, provoking Bas and he wouldn‘t back off. I thought Bas was going to tear him apart right there in the kitchen.”

“I’m not so sure he could’ve. Kyden has a reputation for fighting. I heard he’s taken down some really big guys who have gotten in his face.”

“Yet another reason for me to steer clear of him.” Personal experience told me the last thing I needed in my life was another violent alpha male.

“I know what you’re thinking, and he’s not Connor babe.”

“Just drop it, okay. We’re not gonna go there and I’m not interested in having anything to do with Kyden, so let it go.”

“Okay, okay, I will. I just want you to be happy here. I don’t want you to leave again.”

“I’m not gonna leave any time soon. This is home, and if I do decide to leave again, it won’t be like last time, I promise.” I meant it too. I was just going to have to prove to them I wasn’t going to run away anymore, and the only way I could do that was over time.

She kept her word and didn’t bring him up again. We finished our breakfast while I grilled her about school and her relationship with Jake and all the little details I had missed hearing about. She told me about rushing her sorority and how much she enjoyed being a part of the Greek system. I wasn’t surprised to hear that. It suited her; she was such a social butterfly.

She of course asked about my time away; wanting to know about the places I had visited and the people I met. Mostly I told her about my time in Portland since that’s where I stayed the longest. It was the only place during those three years that even came close to feeling like a home. I had a job I enjoyed there and actually met some really great people that became good friends.

After spending the majority of the morning catching up, Vi dropped me back at the house. We’d made plans to connect later that evening. I was hoping Bas would join us as well. It would even be great if he could bring Lissa. I wasn’t ever close with her in school, so I really needed to get to know the girl Bas was planning to marry.

It was strange to think about him being married. I didn’t feel like we were at that age, but maybe that was just because I’d never had anyone in my life I could see a future with. For some reason, I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering back to the night before, and picturing that smug grin and those intense eyes peering down at me from on stage. I didn’t know what it was about him, but there was something pulling me in, begging me to look beneath the surface.

Chapter 5

I had several hours before Vi and I were meeting up again and nothing else to do all day, which meant there was no reason for me to keep putting off unpacking and going through the house. There was a lot to be done to get settled in. I decided it wasn’t practical to stay in my old princess room, which left the master bedroom, or I would have to empty out the craft room and convert it to a bedroom.

Before coming back here I was sure that’s what I would do. I knew my old room wouldn‘t work for more than a night or two now that I was over five foot and playing Barbies wasn’t my favorite thing to do. I could redo that room, but I just didn’t have the heart to. My mom and I had put in a lot of hours painting and decorating it, transforming it from the once boring, beige room, into an enchanted fairy tale land. She’d wanted it to be perfect for me, and now that I knew about Isabelle, I thought it would be a great room for her if and when she ever came to visit.

That left the craft room and Mom’s room. I really hadn’t thought I’d have it in me to take that one, but now that I was here, standing in the doorway of her old room, the thought of being in there wasn’t nearly as weird as I’d expected it would be. Instead of making me sad, it was actually comforting. I started carrying my stuff up the stairs and stacking it just inside her room, having made my decision.

Once I had everything I needed in there, I paused and took a minute to really look around at what was left of her room. During the last few weeks that she was alive, we went through a lot of her things together, deciding what I wanted saved and what would be better off donated. She didn’t want me to have to do it alone, after she was gone.

Most of her clothes and shoes had been boxed up and given to a local women’s shelter, which left plenty of room in the closets and dressers to put my things. Her furniture was still arranged just how she’d had it and her jewelry box, picture frames, old books, and everything that had meant something to her, was left in place as well. While arranging my things and adding my possessions to hers, I was glad I hadn’t let anyone box her stuff up. As painful as it was to miss her, there was something extremely comforting about seeing my things mixed in with hers, like a piece of her was here with me.

I placed the few pieces of jewelry I owned in the box next to hers. I was about to shut it when the string of pearls in the bottom drawer caught my eye. I remembered her wearing them on special occasions, and a few times she had even let me wear them when I played dress up. I’d felt like such a princess with them on, walking around in frilly dresses and her, much too big, high heels as well. I ran my fingers over them before shutting the lid.

After I finished unpacking the things I wanted in the bedroom, I moved on to the bathroom, unloading my makeup and bath products. I would have to pick up some toilet paper and soap for both bathrooms. I started a list on my phone and added to it as I came across things I needed to get.

I also made a list of phone calls I needed to make to get the house in order. My mom’s life insurance left behind enough money for me that I’d been able to keep power and water turned on at the house so that I always had the option of coming back, but I would have to call a cable company to get internet and TV. I also needed to find out about garbage pickup and a hundred other little things.

There wasn’t much to be done in the other rooms. Everything was clean and I didn’t have many other belongings; just a few paintings and pictures to hang, and some dishes to put in the kitchen. It wasn’t long before all I had left was a pile of empty boxes, and a long grocery shopping/to do list. I was Googling the phone numbers I needed for the internet and garbage company when my phone went off in my hand.

“Hey Sadie,” I chirped.

Sadie was one of the amazing people I’d met in Portland. She was a couple years older than me and lived in the apartment across the hall from the one I had lived in during my stay there. She was one of the sweetest most nurturing people I knew. I think that’s what drew me to her in the beginning. She saw me struggling up the flight of stairs with some of my heavier boxes when I moved in, and had come out to help me. Afterward, she invited me over to her place for dinner so that I wouldn’t have to order in. After more than a year of being away from Boston, living in three different places, and not connecting with anyone, Sadie had been a ray of light. She was genuinely interested in people, and would drop everything to help a friend out, but as I had gotten to know her, I saw that she carried her own sadness and kept a big part of herself closed off to the world.

We had certainly been a pair, but we’d hit it off right away and she’d even gotten me a job at the music store where she worked. Unlike me, Sadie was insanely talented at all things musical. That had been what prompted me to take the guitar lessons at which I had failed miserably. I was about as musically inclined as a rocking chair; definitely wasn’t what I was meant to do. Needless to say, I only worked there for about two months before I got hired on at a local art gallery, but Sadie and I stayed close.

“Hey girly, how are you? Getting settled in?” She asked.

“Yeah, I just finished unpacking everything. I’m getting ready to head to the store to pick up some groceries and stuff I need for around the house.”

“And how is it being back, are you okay being in the house?” I could tell she really was worried about me, and I loved her for it. She knew about my mom and how hard it was for me to even talk about her.

“It’s actually good, not nearly as painful as I was expecting it to be. It still hurts to walk into a room and picture her in there, reading or baking cookies, but mostly the memories are more comforting than anything now.”

“That’s good. It means you really have done a lot of healing and are finally moving past it. Have you seen anyone yet?”

“I ran into Bas’ dad when I first arrived. He still lives next door and that was somewhat emotional, but not nearly as emotional as when I surprised Bas by showing up at the bar where he was last night.”

“Oh, how did that go?” Sadie was the only friend I had made in the last three years that I felt close enough with to really share my life from before. She knew how scared I was about coming back and facing Bas. She knew almost everything. I left out some parts about my dad, but she knew I was running from some pretty awful stuff and I’d even opened up about that night, the one that still haunted my dreams sometimes.

“We yelled, we cried, we hugged and he threatened me if I ever left like that again. Pretty much what I expected, but we’re good now,” I recapped. “He’s got this whole new life though. He’s going to get engaged and I’m not quite sure where my place is, or how I’m supposed to fit into it.” I admitted.

“You’ll figure it out. From everything you’ve told me, it sounds like your guys’ friendship will make it through this, and I’m here for you if you need anything.”

“I know, and thank you for that. You’ve been amazing. You’re a big part of the reason that I’ve been doing so much better, and felt ready to come back here.” I had been suffering from pretty bad depression, and not handling the loneliness well at all, before I went to Portland. Her friendship really changed things for me and she pushed me to open up and work through my issues. She shared with me her own story, which was pretty heartbreaking. She knew all about loss and grief and pushing through it, and like me she was pretty much on her own.

“That’s what friends do for each other. You’ve been there for me as well. I already miss you. I was gonna let it be a surprise, but I’m trying to get time off sometime this summer to visit you.”

“Are you serious? That would be amazing,” I squealed. I missed her too and had even tried to talk her into coming with me. Aside from her job, she had nothing tying her to Oregon. We talked for another fifteen minutes, making plans for when she would visit. She wanted to meet all the guys after I made the mistake of mentioning the merry band of playboys that I’d met. Somehow I felt prompted to tell mention Kyden as well. I really don’t know why I did that, it took her about as long as it had Vi to get me to spill all the details from the night before, and after, she seemed especially interested in meeting the guy who had me so flustered. When she was satisfied I hadn’t left anything out we said goodbye and I promised to text her later. Once I was off the phone I tackled my lists.

Several phone calls and a trip to the store later, I was back home and making lunch for myself. Once I was finished with my gourmet peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I gathered up all of the empty boxes and duffels from unpacking, and took them to the craft room. It also served for storing random things that didn’t have a place. It used to be full of half completed knitting projects, hand painted ceramics, partially painted canvases and boxes of ribbon and buttons and various other craft supplies. Mom had collected hobbies like some people collected antiques. She also had the tendency to lose her enthusiasm and motivation for a project part way in, but that never stopped her form starting them.

The craft room was another room we had weeded through before she passed. We spent a lot of late nights in there finishing some of the projects together, and tossing the ones that were hopeless. One that Mom really got into near the end was scrapbooking. There on the work table was the album we had been working on when she died, and a stack of photos that hadn’t made it into the book yet. There had been a lot of tears and laughter on those nights, while we cut and pasted pictures, remembering all of the good times. She might’ve been a single parent, but she loved me enough for two. Even during the early years, when we didn’t have much money, she gave me the best childhood. I never really felt like I was missing anything.

I set the empty boxes down and picked up the book. It was almost finished, but for the last few pages. I took it back to my mom’s room, or my room now. It would probably be a while before I could get used to calling it my room. I still thought of my room as the one with bright pink paint, princess curtains and the mural of a fairy tale castle painted on the wall, one of the few art projects she did start to finish when we first moved in.

I sat down on the bed and began flipping through the pages of baby pictures and dress up, camping trips and my first day of school. Some pictures were just me, or me and Bas. In other’s my Mom’s beautiful face smiled back at me. I fell asleep with the scrap book spread out beside me and dreams of my childhood playing in my head.

“Mommy, I wanna go back to the old house. I don’t want to live here.” I didn’t want to move. I was not going to get out of the car. I liked my old bedroom, I liked my old school and I liked Mrs. Curtis, who lived next door. She would watch me when Mommy had to work and she was really nice. She played games with me and baked me cookies. I didn’t know anybody in these houses, they were probably all cranky and mean.

“I know Princess, but you’ll see that this place is going to be so much better than the old house. It’s bigger and it’s closer to Mommy’s new job. Look at how big the yard is sweetie. You’ll actually be able to play in it.”

The yard was pretty big. I bet it was big enough for a slip n’ slide, but I still didn’t want to live here. I wouldn’t know any kids at my new school. What if they didn’t like me?

“When I was here yesterday, moving furniture in, I saw a couple little boys playing outside the house next door. I’m sure you’ll be friends in no time, and then you’ll have kids to play with.” I looked out the window and there was a red Spiderman bike and two scooters in the yard next door. I wondered if they would play with me. Maybe they went to my new school and would be my friends. I hoped there was a girl too. Boys were pretty weird.

“Come on sweetheart. Please just come inside and see the house. I promise you’ll love it. Your room is even bigger than your old one, and we’ll decorate it special, just for you princess.”

I guess I could go in and see it, for Mommy.

I got out of the car and took her hand. The house was bigger than the old one and prettier too. The paint wasn’t peeling off and there were flowers all around it. I liked flowers. There wasn’t anywhere to plant flowers at the old house.

Inside was pretty too, and it had stairs. Our old house didn’t have an upstairs. Mommy said our bedrooms were up there. I followed her up and into the room she said was mine. The walls were plain white, but Mommy said we would paint them. I wanted them to be pink. My bed was already put together and my favorite blankets and stuffed animals were already on it. There was a big closet too, for all my toys. My Barbie house was there and so was my toy box.

“Do you like it?”

I nodded my head. “Can we make it pink?”

She smiled. “Yes, we‘ll paint them all pink, except for this one.” She faced the wall that didn’t have a window or closet. “This one we’ll make blue like the sky, with white clouds and I’ll paint a big castle, just like in your favorite stories. We’ll make this your princess room.”

I really wanted it to be my princess room. I smiled real big. “Can we really Mom?”

“Anything for you. Just wait here and I’ll run out to the car and bring in the boxes with the rest of your stuff. Then you can decide where you want everything to go while I finish unloading the car.”

I liked our new house a lot.

Mommy went back outside and I walked over to my window to look outside. I could see the house next door. From my room I could see right into the window across from mine. There was a boy standing in it. He was looking at me. He looked like he was my age. I wondered if the Spiderman bike was his. We both just stared at each other and then he waved. He didn’t look too weird. I waved back.

I was pulled out of my dream by a familiar Avett Brothers ringtone. I reached for my cell phone and realized it was after six. I had slept for almost two hours, no wonder I felt rested. I pulled myself out of the bed and answered the phone

“Why is it you’re always waking me up Vi?”

“Don’t you do anything besides sleep?”

“I took a nap after I got everything unpacked. So what’s up?”

“O’Brien’s tonight, but we’re going to meet up with Sebastian and Lissa first to grab a bite to eat.” Ugh O’Brien’s. Tonight would be interesting. “I’m picking you up at seven, so start getting cute.”

“I’m always cute, what are you talking about?”

“You weren’t so cute when you got out of bed this morning looking like a rabid animal.”

“That’s because someone woke me up too early.”

“Just go put on something sexy, no jeans. I’ll be there in an hour.” She ended the call and I let out a groan. I don’t mind dressing up and being girly for a night, but Vi’s opinion of what was acceptable “going out” attire, differed greatly from mine. I knew if she didn’t approve when she got here, she would just force me to change into something she picked out and then I would end up looking like a three dollar hooker. We had been through the routine enough in high school. She was the reason I ended up at senior homecoming in a strapless, red satin dress. My date spent the whole night staring at my chest, until Bas punched him in the nose for copping a feel. I blamed Vi for the whole incident.

I rifled through my closet and chose a royal blue, stretchy pencil skirt that cut off a few inches above my knees. I paired it with a lacey, black, sleeveless v neck top with a draping hemline. It was low cut enough that she would find it acceptably sexy, but not so much that I would be exposing myself all night or worry about my scar being visible. It remained hidden.

Forty five minutes later my make up was done and my hair was falling down my back in soft curls. Vi would be showing up any minute, so I slipped my leather jacket over my ensemble and slid my feet into a pair of black Chucks. I knew this would drive Vi crazy and she would make me change into heels, but I also knew that if I put the heels on now, she would just look for some other fault in my outfit. It was better to let her think she was gaining this small victory.

Right on time Vi burst through the front door, not even bothering to knock.

“You better be ready and you better be wearing something hot.” She called out. I heard her heels clicking from the entryway in to the kitchen where I was waiting. She paused in the doorway to give me the once over. Her eyes narrowed on my shoes. “No.”

“No what?” I feigned ignorance.

“You are not wearing those. You actually look half way decent; all feisty kitten from the legs up, and then you go and ruin it with those shabby, tomboy sneakers.”

“They’re not shabby and they won’t hurt my feet all night.” I had to put up a fight to make it more satisfactory for her when I caved.

“As your friend, I cannot let you leave the house in those shoes. So march your butt upstairs and put on a pair of heels, and they had better be at least four inches. You’ve got killer legs. You need to play ‘em up babe.”

I followed her orders and went upstairs to trade the chucks for a pair of shimmery, silver satin, peep toe pumps that I already had sitting out. I had to admit, even though my feet would be sore by the end of the night, they were gorgeous shoes. Vi grinned her approval when I came back down the stairs.

“Do I pass your inspection? Can we go now?”

“Well, your skirt could be a little shorter,” she teased and I just grabbed my purse and dragged her from the house before I ended up with even less clothing on. Vi was wearing a colorful, geo-tribal print mini dress with three quarter sleeves and an open back.  It left nothing of her figure to the imagination. She had the curves and trim waist to pull it off flawlessly. I was surprised Jake let her leave the house in something so short and tight. He had nothing to worry about though; for all her talk, Vi was faithful and he knew that.

“So where is your lover tonight?” I asked her.

“Working. Like always. The life of an intern; tantamount to slavery.” Over breakfast Vi had told me all about the summer internship Jake was doing with one of the large architect firms in Boston. “He has an important project he needs to finish before tomorrow for some big proposal his boss is working on. He said if he finishes before midnight he might meet up with us, but I’m not holding my breath.”

I still thought about going to college, it had always been my plan, but I wasn’t sure anymore if it would happen. It was hard to see all of my friends pursuing their dreams and going after what they wanted. I just really didn’t have any idea what that would look like for me. One more thing I could add to my to-do list; figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Chapter 6

We pulled up outside a familiar restaurant. It was the same place I’d eaten with Bas, Vi and their families on graduation night. It was one of my favorites. They had the best authentic Italian food in the area, or at least that’s how I remembered it. Inside, the hostess led us to the booth where Bas and Lissa were already seated and waiting for us.

The first few minutes after we slid in across from them were filled with typical greetings and small talk while we perused our menus. Lissa seemed a little chilly toward me when I tried asking her about what she had been up to since high school. All I got were short, brusque responses when I tried to make conversation with her. Bas repeatedly had to jump in and elaborate to keep conversation flowing. I felt really awkward, especially since she had no problem being friendly with Vi. I wasn’t sure what I had done to warrant her aloofness.

When the waitress returned to take our order, I threw a questioning look at Vi. She just shrugged, but it was obvious she picked up on the frosty behavior as well. Whatever it was, I needed to try and get past it for Bas’ sake. I owed it to him to keep trying. If he loved her, I was determined to love her as well, even if she wasn’t going to make it easy. After we ordered I made another attempt at engaging her.

“So Lissa, Bas said you‘ve got an audition with the Boston Symphony Orchestra. That’s really great. Congratulations.” In high school she carried her violin around everywhere. Clearly it paid off for her. It didn’t help me any though. She wasn’t any more interested in talking about her musical accomplishments than she had been any of the other subjects I had brought up since the evening started.

“Yes, thanks.”

“Bas says you’re incredible. I can’t play an instrument to save my life. I tried to learn guitar while I was living in Oregon. A friend of mine got me a job at a music shop, but that was a disaster and I didn’t last long there.”

“No, I don’t imagine that you did.” I was taken aback by the obvious jab. Even Bas looked surprised. “I just meant that if you don’t have any musical knowledge it would be difficult and not at all enjoyable to work in a music store.” Yeah, I was sure that’s exactly what she meant. Not. Instead of saying that, I just took a deep breath and kept the smile plastered to my face.

“You’re right. My friend got me the job there to help me out. Unlike me, she’s amazingly talented. Her name is Sadie. I’m pretty sure she can play just about any instrument and she has an incredible voice. She’s actually coming to visit soon. You guys would probably get along great.”

“Yes, I’m sure she’s plenty qualified to work in a music store.” She sounded skeptical. “Did she study anywhere?”

“She hasn’t studied anywhere. She’s been through some rough times and hasn’t been able to pursue her music the ways she wants, but I know she’ll make it. I think her mom played the cello and at first she wanted to follow in her footsteps, but now the indie/ folk scene is more her style than classical.”

“A lot of musicians don‘t have the discipline for it, yet every half decent artist out there thinks they have what it takes to make it. To an untrained ear it probably seems that way as well. Good musicians are as common as groupies at an Ashes and Embers show.” She looked pointedly at me.

What had Bas told her? Not only was she insulting my friend, but was she also calling me a groupie?

“I’m sure if she had what it takes she wouldn’t let anything stand in her way, but at least she has her job at the music store.” Well she wasn’t having a problem talking now and I was taken aback at the contempt in her voice. I wasn’t the only one. Bas sent her a questioning look before turning to me.

“Sorry, I’m sure Liss didn’t mean for that to come out sounding so harsh, she’s just really passionate about her music.” He turned back to her. “Right?”

“Of course, I didn’t mean to discredit your friend” I doubted her sincerity. “If you’ll excuse me I just need to use the restroom.”

“What was that about?” I asked after she was out of sight.

“She’s just had a rough week, don’t take it personally. It’s just a mood.” Even he wasn’t buying his own excuses. He forgot; I knew him too well for him to get away with lying to me.

“Oh come on Bas. That felt pretty personal to me.”

The look on his face told me he knew what the problem was, but he wasn’t saying. “Just give her time to warm up to you. I’ll talk to her later.” I wasn’t reassured, but I could understand that he didn’t want any conflict between the two of us. I would let it go for now.

Our food came just after Lissa returned from the bathroom. The meal remained slightly awkward and tense. Vi and Bas kept conversation flowing, but Lissa and I avoided speaking directly to each other. If the rest of our night was like this, it was going to be a long night. When we were finally sliding into Vi’s car, I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, that was tense. I’ve never really seen her like that.”

Obviously it was my presence that incited her atypical behavior. At least the less than pleasant dining experience had served to distract me from my unease about O’Brien’s, but now it was returning. O’Brien’s was another popular Allston Pub, one that used to be regularly frequented by a certain crowd associated with my father. There was a possibility I would be seeing more familiar faces tonight; ones I would rather not see. I could only hope that they had found a new watering hole in the last three years, after all Boston was a big city with plenty of bars.

Even though I knew the chances of running into anyone were slim, my apprehension didn’t lessen any as we walked down the street toward the busy pub. Vi picked up on it after I failed to respond to some comment she made, and stopped me when we were still a block away.

“Hey, what’s up? Is this still about Lissa? Because we don’t have to hang out with her tonight, we can just dance and have a good time by ourselves.”

“No it’s not that. It’s probably stupid, the chances of him or any of them being here are low, but O’Brien’s used to be a favorite of some of the guys who worked for my dad.”

“Shit, Connor?” I just nodded. “I’m sorry babe, we didn’t even think about that.”

“Like I said, I’m just overreacting, he won’t be here, and if he is, well I’m sure it will be plenty crowded and I’m not alone.”

A guilty expression spread across her face. “Yeah, it will definitely be crowded tonight . . . Ashes and Embers is playing.”

“Awesome.” I said sarcastically. The night was just getting better and better.

“I’m sorry. We would’ve told you they were playing, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want to come. I really wanted it to be the three of us again, but Bas and I will make sure no one bothers you, even if I think you should let a certain sexy someone bother you.”

“I’m a big girl. I don’t need you or Bas doing anything for me. I especially don’t need you meddling. Let‘s just go have this fun you speak of.”

The place was packed and the guys were already up on stage seducing the room from behind their instruments. Their performance incited a similar reaction as the night before. Everyone was going wild and once again I was ensnared by Kyden’s intensity up there. His deep voice wrapped around me. The low rasp was soft and warm like a caress, and when he hit the higher notes I was blown away, all over again, by his ability. Song after song they played and the energy level in the room only increased.

His hips moved and my eyes followed. The crowd swayed and danced with him, just as enthralled as I was. I really needed to get some air before I did something crazy, like climb up on stage, strip him down and ravish him in front of the entire bar. I couldn’t believe how affected I was by him. No other guy had ever gotten to me in that way.

“I’m gonna step outside, it’s a little stuffy in here. I’ll be right back.” I practically had to yell so Vi could hear me over the noise level. She smirked, not at all fooled by my lame excuse. She gestured, asking me if I wanted her to come with. I shook my head and left her moving to the rhythm with a drink in her hand. Bas and Lissa were dancing not far off. I was past the bar and almost to the door when I felt strong hands on my hips and a hard body pressing into me from behind.

“Mmmm, you smell just as good as I remember.” The harsh voice was barely above a whisper, but the lust dripping from every word froze me in my tracks, and a wave of disgust rolled over me. I yanked myself from the crushing grip and turned to see a face I recognized from my nightmares. His cold, dark eyes bored into mine. Connor O’Reilly. I had known it was possible I would run into him, yet I was unprepared for the sight of him standing in front of me, wearing a lascivious grin as he raked his eyes up and down the length of my body. I had to fight the nausea that rose as every inch of me revolted against his presence.

“When Finn rang me half an hour ago and said he had spotted you in O’Brien’s, I told him there was no fucking way that was possible, but he insisted it was you. I came down here expecting to have to beat his ass for wasting my time. Imagine my surprise when I walked in and there you were, looking just as exquisite as ever.” I cringed as he moved closer and ran his finger along my collarbone.

“Don’t touch me. Ever.” I smacked his hand away and took a step back, but he just matched my movement.

“Now, now baby, that’s no way to greet me after all this time.” His lip curled up on one side in a menacing smile.

“Just back off Connor. I don’t have anything to say to you, and there’s nothing you could have to say to me that I want to hear.” I tried to push past him but his hand shot out and gripped my upper arm, pulling me into him and holding me in place.

He leaned in real close. I could feel his hot breath on the side of my face. “That’s alright, it wasn’t really talking that I had in mind.” His grip tightened on my arm as I struggled to free myself from his grasp. “I like it when you squirm, baby.” He squeezed even tighter. It was going to bruise, but that was the least of my worries at the moment. I looked around for help, but no one seemed to be paying us any attention. Everyone was caught up in the performance happening on stage. I knew he wouldn’t do anything in a public place. I needed to get away from him before he managed to drag me outside, and away from all the witnesses. Who knew how long it would be before Vi and Bas noticed when I didn’t come back.

“Let me go before I put my knee in your groin.” That only provoked him and he was shoving me backwards before I could get enough momentum to do anything more than graze his thigh when I tried to follow through on my threat. He slammed me hard into the wall behind me. My head ricocheted off the hard surface and he pinned me in place. His whole body pressed up against me while the tight grip of his fingers bit into both of my wrists.

The impact rattled me and left me slightly disoriented. It took me a second to realize the music had stopped and a few people around us were looking on in confusion, probably unsure of whether he was hurting me or we were just about to get it on in public. As I registered the change in the atmosphere, I also caught the movement of a tall figure shoving through the crowd toward me. A second later Connor’s body was ripped away from mine and I struggled to stay upright. Kyden was in front of me, standing over a surprised Connor.

Every eye in the place was trying to see what caused the disruption. Before anyone had the chance to say a word, Bas came pushing through the crowd, followed by Vi and Lissa. Their gazes traveled from me, to Kyden, and then down to Connor. Bas’ wide eyes met mine in a questioning look full of concern. I nodded, confirming I was alright and then he returned his attention to Connor. Vi rushed to my side while Connor picked himself up off the floor and faced off with Bas and Kyden. Finn, and some other guys I didn’t recognize, stepped out to back Connor up at the same time that the rest of the band and Danny appeared.

“I see you’re still playing the bodyguard, Cross,” Connor practically snarled.

“And I see you still haven’t learned your lesson. How many times do I have to break your nose before you get it through that thick skull of yours not to come near her?”

Connor fixed him with a hateful glare, but Bas stepped forward until there was barely a foot between them. I wasn’t sure who was going to throw the first punch, but I knew it was coming. Lissa tried to pull Bas back, but he just shook her off.

“Sebastian, come on. You don’t need this, just walk away.” He didn’t even look her way, but just continued to stare down Connor.

Thankfully before either one could take a swing, two big bouncer looking guys broke through the crowd. “If there‘s a problem here, then you gentlemen need to resolve it elsewhere before we throw your asses out.” They were both large enough that they wouldn‘t have any problem tossing each one of them out the door. The one who spoke then shifted his focus to Kyden. “And you need to get your guys back up on stage and finish the set.”

“We’re fucking done for the night,” he snapped. “If that’s a problem, then you guys can find a new band to book from now on.” It was obvious from the bouncer’s resigned expression that Kyden had him.

“Fine then, but like I said, whatever this is, isn‘t happening here.” He grumbled and fixed each of the guys with a pointed look.

“There’s no problem here. Just a friendly little reunion.” Connor declared finally stepping away from Bas. This seemed to appease the two security guys and they turned to start breaking up the crowd around us. When everyone realized a fight wouldn’t be happening, they started to lose interest. Music came on over the speakers and they all went back to drinking and grinding on each other.

Vi was still at my side and Bas came over to check on me. Kyden and the rest of the band members were standing just off to the side. Bas was examining my head when Connor and his buddies made to leave, but Connor stopped just two feet away and turned back to me.

“It was really good to see you baby. You have no idea how much I missed you. We’ll catch up later when I don’t have to worry about us being interrupted.” If I hadn’t had such a strong grip on Bas’ arm, he would’ve launched himself at Connor, who just winked at me before following the rest of his pack out of the bar.

“Oh and don’t worry, I’ll let your father know you said hello,” he threw over his shoulder and then disappeared out of site.

“I’m going to kill him.” Bas’ voice was a low rumble.

“Sebastian, stop it! You don’t need to get mixed up in this.” Lissa walked over and stepped between the two of us, forcing me to let go of his arm.

“The hell I don’t Liss. You have no idea who that is or what the bastard is capable of.”

“Which is exactly why you don’t need to be involved.”

“You have to know I could never sit back and just let someone hurt a friend of mine.”

“What I know is that since she got home you’ve almost been in two fights in two nights.” She was right. I was responsible. “You know how many that makes total since we’ve been together? Two.”

“Neither one was actually a fight Liss.”

“Not for lack of trying.”

“I don’t know what you want me to do. You can’t seriously expect to just watch while he, or anyone else for that matter,” his eyes flitted to my other rescuer of the evening, “messes with her.”

“I want you to not get arrested or end up in the hospital, that’s what I want.”

“I’m not going to babe, you need to relax.”

“Can we just go home and finish this later?” Bas looked to me to make sure I would be okay without him, I nodded. He needed to sort this out more than I needed him to coddle me. Lissa let out frustrated sigh, “yes, please get permission from the girl who is not your girlfriend.” She turned and stalked out the door.

“I’m sorry Jazz, she’s just-”

“It’s okay, you need to go and fix that. Don’t worry about me.”

“I promise I won’t leave her side tonight,” Vi assured him.

“I’ll call you later to check on you.” Bas kissed my forehead and went after Lissa.

“Soo . . . does someone want to fill the rest of us in on why this evening almost turned into a scene from Outsiders? I felt like Ponyboy over here.” Spade was the one to ask, but all of the guys had the same question on their faces as they regarded me and Vi.

“Ponyboy? If anyone, you would have been more like Sodapop. Ky was clearly Patrick Swayze in that situation, and Bas would be Ponyboy, or maybe vice versa,” Danny argued and then of course Ace had to chime in.

“No, I think technically she would be Ponyboy, and Bas would be Johnny.”

“Would you guys just shut up?” Chris was the only one of them who knew anything about Connor and how serious the situation actually was. He was there the night Bas brought me back to their house. He didn’t know everything, but he saw enough to know this wasn’t the time for jokes. Besides, too many people ended up dead in that story.

“Princess, you going to share?” Kyden, who had remained silent until that point, finally spoke up. He was still standing a few feet to the side and when I looked over at him, I was struck by the heat in his stare. It was like I could see violence churning in his green eyes, which appeared almost black at the moment. Then he blinked and a calm mask slipped over his features as if two seconds ago he hadn’t looked ready to kill someone. I brushed it off as just adrenaline from the confrontation and tried to relax my own features. I really didn’t want to get into my complicated past and family issues here with these guys. It meant a lot that they had all stepped up and had my back, but I still barely knew them. I wasn’t ready to share the horrors from my past, even though they didn’t seem to be staying in the past.

“No. I’m not. Thank you for helping me tonight, but it’s really none of your concern.” I tried to appear in control and put enough authority into my words that they would know the subject was off limits and hopefully not push it. Who was I kidding though? These were the kind of guys who were always pushing limits.

“If someone is trying to hurt you Princess, I‘m sure as fuck going to be concerned,” Kyden responded angrily.

“He’s right beautiful. I already told you, you’re family just as much as Chris and Bas, and we take care of family. So if there’s something you want to say, you can trust us.” Ace’s voice was sincere and the worry etched in his features matched that on the rest of guys’ faces, but I still wasn’t up for sharing.

“Thank you, really, but there’s nothing to say other than that guy is a creep and I didn’t want him touching me. It’s over though. He’s gone.” Chris snorted and I shot him a warning with my eyes. Kyden glanced back and forth between the two of us.

“I think there’s a lot more to it than that Princess.”

I gave Chris a pleading look and his expression finally softened in understanding. “Hey guys let’s give her some space. We need to pack up our equipment anyway.”

I was thankful when Danny and Ace reluctantly headed back toward the stage. Spade started to follow them but then stopped directly in front of me.

“If you need anything Rainbow, anything at all, you better ask.” I just nodded, slightly overwhelmed by the comfort these guys offered even though I was hardly more than a stranger to them. Spade may have come across as insensitive and self-serving, but I believed him when he said that I could come to him. “And if you need something to take your mind off of this, I would be happy to provide distraction.” He waggled his eyebrows. I shook my head, but even his inappropriate banter was growing on me.

“I don’t think that’s going to be necessary. Come on Romeo.” Chris urged Spade in the direction of the stage but not before making sure I would wait by the bar for him. I was left standing there with Vi and Kyden, who was still staring at me intently. I felt exposed under his close scrutiny, like he could see right inside of me, past all of my defenses.

“Well, I’m gonna grab you a water, you look thirsty,” Vi announced and then slipped away leaving me alone with Kyden.

Traitor.

“Shouldn’t you be helping them load up equipment?”

He ignored my question and moved directly in front of me. “Take off your jacket.” His voice was soft but demanding.

“Excuse me?”

“Take it off Princess.” His tone left no room for protest, so I removed my jacket, unsure of where this was going.

“Happy?” Once again he didn’t acknowledge my question, but instead reached out and gently took both of my wrists in his hands. He lifted them up for inspection.

“Does it hurt?”

I was taken aback by the tenderness in his voice. It took me a moment to realize he was referring to the dark pink, finger shaped marks wrapping around both of my wrists. He didn’t wait for a response before he released my hands and trailed his fingers up the length of my right arm. He swept my hair off my shoulder and I could only assume by the dark look in his eye, that he found a matching handprint bruise forming on my upper arm.

Connor had gripped it hard and I knew it would be tender later, but right now, with Kyden’s hands on me, I didn’t feel any soreness. I didn’t feel anything but the warmth of his body so close to mine and the feather softness of his touch. When he brushed his fingers lightly over the place where one of Connor’s hands had dug into my shoulder, I shivered at the intimacy of the contact. He mistook my movement as a wince of pain.

“I should have smashed his face in for putting his hands on you like that. I could kill him for this Princess.” His voice was thick with emotion he tried hard to contain. I could see it in his eyes as well, and the way his jaw tensed. There was a startling vehemence behind that angelic face. I was now acutely aware of the fierceness that emanated from him, not just on the stage, but off as well. I felt sorry for anyone who had ever been on the receiving end of that ferocity unleashed. It was frightening and alluring at the same time. I needed to get space between us because I suddenly felt the ridiculous urge to kiss him, and that would be bad. I shrugged his hand off and took a small step back.

“That’s not necessary. I don’t need you to smash anyone’s face in for me. I don’t need anything from you. Why do you even care? You hardly know me.” Even as I said it, I knew I sounded ungrateful, but I couldn’t stop myself. I felt shaken by his display of aggressive dominance. I’d already dealt with enough of that in my life. Even so, I wasn’t nearly as alarmed by it as I should be, and that was more unsettling than anything.

“It doesn’t matter. No man should ever put his hands on a woman like that. If he touches you again Princess, I’m not going to care what you think is or is not necessary.” He didn’t give me a chance to respond, just stalked off toward the stage where the guys were packing up the last of their equipment.

“Whoa, that was intense. I got goose bumps just watching the two of you.” Vi returned, without a glass of water.

“Yeah, thanks by the way. What happened to not leaving my side?”

“I was burning up from the heat radiating between you two. I thought you guys could use a moment. I knew you were safe with him.” I raised my eyebrows. “Okay, maybe not safe from him, but babe, with the way he was looking at you; I wasn’t getting in his way. You should’ve seen him cast his guitar aside and vault off that stage. I didn’t know what was happening, but he moved so fast. I don’t know who wanted to rip Connor apart more, him or Bas.”

“Yeah it all happened pretty fast. One second I was terrified and my head was throbbing, the next Connor was on the ground and Bas and Kyden were standing between us.” I was still in shock from the whole incident. “I just can’t believe Connor actually tried something like that, with so many people around.”

“Well I wouldn’t say he’s known for his sound decision making skills. He’s clearly got a few wires crossed and is missing some major parts, like a conscience. Bas always said he was unstable and I know something happened that you don’t like to talk about, but I guess I didn’t really get just how dangerous he actually is. There’s so much about your home life that you only shared with Bas.”

“I’m sorry if you felt like we kept things from you. I was just ashamed of everything having to do with my father, including Connor. Bas never gave me a choice, but I really didn’t want to talk about any of it, I still don’t. Someday I’ll be ready to tell you everything though.” She deserved the full truth about what happened that night.

“I know that and it’s okay, really. I get it, but you know you can tell me these things. I know I joke around a lot and drive you crazy sometimes, but I would never judge you or think any different of you. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk. You’re my best friend, and I’m sorry that I didn’t take it more seriously when you said you were worried about him being here tonight. I just never thought-”

“Stop. I do trust you and I couldn’t ask for a better friend, even when you drive me crazy. I don’t want you any other way. I like the crazy.” I grinned and she laughed “None of this is your fault. The only person to blame for anything is Connor.”

“And your father for ever letting him within a hundred feet of you.” Yeah, it was no secret that my dad was never going to win any father of the year awards. “You sure you’re okay?” She was eyeing the same red marks Kyden had.

I slid my jacket back on. “I’m fine, just a few bruises that will heal in a couple of days. You guys were here and everything turned out alright. I’d really like to forget tonight even happened.”

“Yeah, well I’m never letting you go anywhere by yourself again. I don’t even want to consider what would have happened if he had gotten you outside before anyone noticed.”

“Me neither.” Just the thought of it sent a chill over me

“I wouldn’t have let that happen, Princess.” The low voice sounded softly from behind me and made me feel safe in ways I didn’t understand. There was nothing safe about him. In fact the word ‘Danger’ should be stamped on his forehead and probably other places too. I turned around to face him and even a warning label wouldn’t have done me any good with him so close again. I was completely disarmed.

“What do you mean?”

“I was watching you.” I didn’t know what to think about his admission, but at the moment the only thing I could feel was thankful that he had been watching. “I saw him put his hands on you, but I didn’t realize it was unwanted, until you turned around and I saw the look on your face. You were scared. Then you tried to knee him and I was already moving. I just couldn’t get to you before he slammed you into that wall.” His eyes darkened again into angry black pools. The rest of his face remained impassive, but his eyes were so expressive. Then Chris came to stand next to us, and just as quickly as the anger appeared, it was gone and the look he wore was unreadable.

“You got him off of me. Thank you for that. I should’ve said that earlier.”

“Don’t thank me Princess. I’m not your hero.” I was taken aback. It felt like he was warning me. Before I could tell him not to bother, that I knew exactly what he was, Chris interrupted.

“What do you want to do now Tink?”

“I just want to go home and sleep off this crazy night,” I sighed.

“Bas texted and told me to make sure you didn’t go home by yourself, not that I would have let you anyway.”

“I’ll stay with her tonight,” Vi offered, and I was grateful. As much as I wanted to be strong, I didn’t want to be alone tonight.

“I’m not sure if I like the idea of it being just the two of you there.”

“It will be fine Chris. We’ll lock up and your Dad is right next door.”

“Let me call him and make sure he’s not on call tonight, and he should know to keep an eye on you.” Chris stepped away to make the call. Vi wrapped her hand around mine and leaned her head on my shoulder. Kyden moved to my other side and reached his hand into my jacket pocket. I started to jerk away until I saw him pull my cell phone out.

I watched, confused, as he slid his fingers over the screen for a minute, before returning it to my pocket. “You’ve got my number now. Use it if you need to Princess.” He reached up and brushed a lock of hair out of my face. His fingers lingered on my cheek a second longer than necessary, just long enough to cause goose bumps to spread over my skin. “Be safe.” Then he removed his hand and walked away.

Chris returned, having spoken to his dad, and confirmed it was okay for us to go back to my place. After hugging Chris and saying our goodbyes, Vi turned to get the bartenders attention so she could close out her tab. I leaned back against the bar and watched Kyden’s retreating figure. He was making his way toward the back entrance, but halfway there, a pretty girl with a pixie cut attached herself to his side. She had on tiniest dress I’d ever seen. It hugged her ample curves like it was entirely made of spandex. Kyden wrapped an arm around her waist and led her out the back with them. I had to tell myself that I wasn’t jealous, that it didn’t matter who he took home because I wasn’t interested. Not even a little bit.

Chapter 7

Sunday was spent hanging around the house with Vi. We vegged out and watched romantic comedies all day. I was frustrated with myself and how many times my thoughts went to Kyden and the night before. Nothing like watching love stories to keep your mind on the guy you’re trying not to think about. It had been way too long since we’d had a girly day though, so I sat through chick flick after chick flick, feeling better with each happily ever after. Deep down I’d always be that little girl in love with the idea of true love. Who could resist a good fairytale? Even though I was starting to doubt that I’d ever find it myself. I knew it certainly wasn’t something I would find with Ky. I hardly knew him, but I knew that much.

Mr. Cross checked in on us a couple times and Bas called to apologize for bailing the night before, and to make sure I wasn’t upset. I reassured him that I understood he had to take care of his relationship with Lissa, and he finally let it go and stopped apologizing. I had to make him the same promises I’d made Chris and their dad. I would keep the doors and windows locked, my cell phone on me, and not go anywhere by myself. I felt like I had the first time my mom and Bas’ dad let us stay home by ourselves while they went to the store when we were ten. I was waiting for them to remind me not to answer the door for strangers.

The rest of the week passed uneventfully. Vi spent most afternoons with me watching movies, finishing the scrapbook, talking about every little detail of our lives that we hadn’t shared for the last few years and her personal favorite pastime; shopping. It’s her form of exercise, and after a day of trying to keep up with her, I remembered just how exhausting it could be.

Nights she traded off staying with me and Jake since I insisted she not give up all of her time with him. Thursday night he was actually free from intern duties and hung out with the two of us at my place. After four hours of being ganged up on at board games by the two of us, he crashed on the couch and Vi slept upstairs with me like she had been doing on nights that she stayed.

When she wasn’t there, Chris or his dad was. Things were still tense with Lissa, so even though Bas called every day, and was constantly texting me, he didn’t come around. I hoped everything with her would blow over soon. I could take a guess at some of her issues with me, but she wasn’t giving me the chance to show her just how far off she was. I worried if she and Bas didn’t work it out soon, their relationship would be in trouble. It would hurt him to have to choose between the two of us, but he would if we forced him to. I didn’t want it to come to that.

On Friday Vi had a sorority commitment and on Saturday, some function she was expected to attend with her parents. I was invited to join her, but it sounded about as appealing to me as having oral surgery. I’d never been a social butterfly, unlike Vi who could work a crowd and make everyone fall in love with her charming and vivacious personality. I didn’t feel like partying with her sorority sisters and a bunch of frat guys, and as much as I loved her parents, the idea of spending an evening with their stuffy politician friends, wasn’t one I relished, so I declined her invites.

I tried convincing them that I didn’t need twenty four hour supervision, but they wouldn’t listen. A part of me was thankful they didn’t. If I was being honest with myself, I was still shaken up. Connor was obsessive and psychotic; three years and he still hadn’t let me go. He wasn’t going to just walk away now that I was back.

When Friday evening came around, Mr. Cross cooked a family dinner and I found myself seated around his dining room table with Bas and Chris, just like old times. Lissa was unable to be there so it was just the four of us. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. I think I was a little of both.

It felt really good to be part of a family again, and joke and laugh over a great meal. The connection we all shared was something that had never been present in my father’s house. It was more real than anything that existed between my dad and brothers and sister. Even though they shared my blood, they would never be as much my family as the people in this room. I wondered if Shane and I would ever get to this place. I’d talked to him several times since being back, but I hadn’t seen him yet.

Just as we finished eating, Mr. Cross got called in to operate on an eight year old girl who had fallen out of a two story window. He was one of the best pediatric surgeons in the state, and that often meant he was called away for emergencies.

After the three of us cleaned up and put away leftovers, we sat out on the front porch to enjoy a few more minutes together before we split for the night. Lissa was throwing a party for her sister’s birthday and of course I hadn’t snagged an invite, which was fine with me. Bas said I could tag along regardless, but showing up uninvited wouldn’t help my cause with her. I just didn’t feel up to going out after the catastrophe of last weekend anyway. Danny had a family thing in Connecticut, and Marcus and Spade had gone with him, so the band wasn’t playing over the weekend. Chris had managed to find himself a date so Ace had offered to be my chaperone for the night, so we were just waiting on him to show up.

It seemed that ‘Operation Bodyguard’ included everyone now. Pretty soon they would have charts and be handing out duty assignments. They were going a little overboard, and I felt like I didn’t have any time to myself. I put my foot down when Bas had tried to accompany me to the mailbox earlier. I was certain I could manage to make it the twenty feet from my front door to the box and back without getting attacked.

“Are you sure you don’t mind? I don’t have to go tonight, Liss and her sister will be so busy getting drunk that they probably wouldn’t even notice if I was missing.”

“You and I both know that’s not true. She would definitely notice.” And hate me more than she already did.

“She’ll get over it. We can have a Tony Jaa marathon and pig out on junk food. It will be just like old times when you were lame and never went to parties on the weekends and I stayed home to hang out with you because I felt sorry for you.”

“You were just as lame as I was, and we can be lame together again, but not tonight. Tonight you’re going to party with your girlfriend. Tony Jaa can wait until she doesn’t hate me.” I had missed our movie nights, but I wasn’t going to be the reason for any more fighting between those two. Before I could argue with him any further, a voice, which definitely didn’t belong to Ace, spoke up behind us.

“I’ll have a movie night with you Princess. I love Tony Jaa.”

Bas and I both snapped our heads around, surprised to see Kyden standing on the walkway leading up to the porch. Chris didn’t seem all that surprised though. I smelled a set-up. Kyden grinned up at us, not at all discouraged by the daggers I was shooting at him with my eyes.

“You guys can take off now, I’ve got this handled. I even come bearing gifts.” He held up a sack in his hand and opened it to reveal Spicy Nacho Doritos and Nutter Butters; my junk food kryptonite. Yep, this was definitely a set up.

Bas and I both turned to face a guilty looking Christian. “I thought you said Ace was going to stay with her tonight?”

“Did I? I’m pretty certain I said Kyden. Ace had that family thing to go to with Danny and his brother.” It’d been a long time since I witnessed a wrestling match between the two brothers, but with the look Bas was giving Chris, there was a good chance I was about to witness one. “Okay, okay I might’ve said Ace, but only because I knew if I said Kyden you’d flip your shit.”

“Damn right I would. I’m not leaving her with him.”

“Relax,” Kyden told him, “I’ll be on my best behavior. I promise I won’t touch her . . . unless she begs me to.” He winked at me. Bas moved to take a step toward him, but Chris reached out and stopped him.

“Let it go. He’s just kidding. He really did promise not to pull anything.”

“Right, and you believe him?”

I frowned. I didn’t like the way Bas was implying that leaving me with Kyden practically guaranteed something was going to happen between us. “Hey, I’m standing right here and I’m perfectly capable of resisting him.” Kyden snorted clearly finding the mere idea of that to be hilarious. Now I was going to have to let him stay just to prove a point. He needed to be knocked down a peg or twelve.

“That’s not what I meant Jazz. I don’t trust him.”

“Well then trust me when I say nothing, absolutely nothing, will happen between the two of us. There will be snow in Africa before it does.” Kyden snorted again and I narrowed my eyes at him. He was only making it easier for me, but Bas still looked unsure. It was Chris who made the convincing argument.

“Look man, you and I both know that if Connor showed up, he can handle him.” Bas considered his words and regarded Kyden intently.

“I’d never let him touch her.” All trace of humor was gone from his face and even I believed the conviction behind his words. Bas nodded in resignation. Clearly there was some truth to Kyden being good in a fight.

“I still don’t like it,” Bas sighed, still torn.

“Just go. It will be fine. Have a good night, please. You can text or call me as many times as you want to check up on me.” That seemed to appease him, but he remained hesitant. I knew he’d already given in though.

“Seriously Bas, if you don’t leave now, I’m going to have to punch you for being stupid and blowing it with the one girl who seems to want to put up with your crap.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m going. Just be careful.” He finally relented.

“I will.”

“Love you Jazz.”

“You too.”

He issued one more warning look at Kyden before he and Chris climbed in their cars and pulled away from the house. I looked at Kyden, who was wearing a sly smile, and I just sighed. “Follow me,” I told him, leading him through my driveway and up the steps to my front door. Before I opened it, I spun around and gave him my “you better listen up buddy because I mean business face,” along with a warning.

“Don’t touch anything. No flirting or dirty jokes. In fact you should probably just not say anything at all.” The infuriating grin on his face only got bigger, but he kept his mouth shut. I unlocked the door and held it open to allow him inside, but as he brushed past me I reached out and snatched the bag he was still holding. “I’ll take these.”

“Hey, I bought them,” he protested.

“And you’ll get some. Maybe. If you’re nice.” I shut and locked the door behind us and moved into the living room with my confiscated snacks. Kyden followed behind me slowly. I turned to see him taking in the surroundings and stopping to look at all of the pictures lining the walls.

“Just you and your mom, Princess?”

“Mmhmm.” I wasn’t sure how much Sebastian or Chris told any of them about me so I wasn’t sure what was going through his head as he looked around. I left him standing in the hallway and set the bag down on the coffee table in the living room.

“Oh sweet baby ninja turtles, you got spicy queso and strawberry milk!” He sat down beside me on the couch and chuckled softly. “And peanut butter M&M’s!” I cried, pulling them out of the sack. I knew what he was up to as I pulled all of my favorites from the sack. He thought he could win me over with junk food, and damn it if it wasn’t working. I might be in more trouble than I thought. Stupid, stupid backstabbing, traitorous Christian!

“You can’t buy me out with candy, just so you know,” I told him.

“Wasn’t trying to, but did it get me any points?”

“Maybe a few.”

“Wow, you really weren’t kidding about not sharing,” he muttered when I smacked his hand away from the bag of M&M’s. He sprawled out on the couch and we spread the junk food across the coffee table.

“You’re welcome to the chips and Twizzlers. I might even let you have some of the cookies, but the M&M’s are mine,” I told him as I walked over to my DVD collection and selected one. After putting it in I joined him on the couch. I peeled a Twizzler rope and popped a piece into my mouth. He did the same, and we both sat back to watch the comedy I’d put in.

When the movie ended, Kyden got up and picked the next one. He’d been surprisingly tolerable, even almost pleasant. It made me uneasy. I wondered how long he could keep it up. Throughout the movie I kept sneaking glances at him until he caught me. I looked away quickly, but I knew he would be able to see the pink spreading over my cheeks. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him smiling. I kept my eyes on the screen for the rest of the movie, but there were times when I felt him watching me.

When that movie ended neither of us got up to put in another. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the couch. I enjoyed the quiet and wondered how long I could ignore him before he would speak up.

“I’ll play you for them.” Thirty seconds, that’s how long.

“What?” I looked over at him confused.

“Do you have a deck of cards?”

“Yeah.” I eyed him skeptically, trying to figure out what he had in mind.

“Go get them.” He still didn’t provide an explanation, but I was curious, so I got up to retrieve the cards. When I returned with the deck of cards, he took them from me and began shuffling them. “Do you know how to play poker?”

“We’re not playing strip poker.”

He laughed. “That’s not what I was going to suggest, but I like your idea better.” I glared at him. “Fine, no strip poker, but you still haven’t answered my question. Do you know how to play?” I shook my head and he thought about it for a minute. “Okay then, we’ll play war for the M&M’s.” We’d made a considerable dent in the snacks but the giant bag of my favorite candy was still pretty full.

“War? That could take forever to win, and isn’t it kind of childish?”

“You’re the one who doesn’t know how to play poker, but we’ll fix that later. I wouldn’t feel right stealing all off your M&M’s on your first time, so we’ll play war and every time there is a war, whoever wins gets the number of M&M’s on the card they won with.” I considered it for a minute, but still didn’t really want to play. “Are you scared of losing to me?” He taunted and a cocky grin took over his face. He knew he had me. I’d known him a week and he’d already figured out that I didn’t back down from a challenge.

“Fine. You’re on.”

He dealt the cards and we went back and forth laying them down. I quickly amassed a large stack. Then we both played sevens.

“Ready to say goodbye to your precious M&M’s?”

“Not a chance, lay ‘em down.” We both laid three cards face down and then played one face up. “Ha!” I yelled. My king beat his nine so I took my M&M’s and both piles of cards. I had most of the deck in my pile. This was working out quite nicely for me, I thought as I popped the candies into my mouth and savored them a little dramatically to gloat.

We continued to play until once again a tie came up, but this time he played an Ace over my two and was the one to take the M&M’s, only I was pretty sure he took more than he should have. He popped each one into his mouth slowly, exactly as I had, relishing his opportunity to rub in it. The rest of the game followed suit until the bag was empty, but we both had cards left. Every time one of us would come close to winning, the other would make a comeback with a single king or ace.

“What are we going to play for now that you robbed me of M&M’s?”

He got a mischievous look in his eye.  “Questions.

“What do you mean questions?” I had a feeling I wouldn’t like where this was going.

“When I win you answer a question, and vice versa.” I almost laughed. I had a feeling this was his plan the whole time. I hesitated before agreeing. I had no idea what questions he might ask and I wondered again how much he’d already been told. He wouldn’t go easy, it wasn’t in his nature. I knew that much, but if I refused to play it would only make him that much more curious about the secrets I had.

“Fine, but only questions that I deem are reasonable. I don’t know you that well and I’m not going to share every personal detail of my life.”

“Fair enough.” We resumed the game, only I was more anxious now that the stakes were higher. I wouldn’t just be giving up M&M’s, but bits of myself. It would give me the opportunity to find out more about him though and I was looking forward to that.

Kyden was the first to win a question. “Why do all of the pictures here stop when you’re about thirteen?” Okay that wasn’t too bad, I could handle it.

“My mom died from cancer when I was twelve. Until recently, I hadn’t been back to this house since, and almost everything is the same as she left it.” He nodded his head in understanding, but there was no pity in his eyes when he looked at me and I was thankful for that. I couldn’t stand seeing pity.

“Where was your dad?”

“Nuh uh. That’s another question.” I wasn’t giving any freebies.

The next war resulted in me getting to question him. I already knew what I wanted to ask first. “How old were you when you started playing music?”

“Four.”

“Wow, that’s pretty young.”

“Yeah, my mom was all about instilling discipline and having the most accomplished kid to show off. Started me on the piano first, and by the time I was six I was learning the violin and cello as well. It wasn’t until I was seven that I got my first guitar and I was hooked.”

“Wow that’s really impressive. Do you still play them all?”

“I think you’ve used up your question.” For some reason it seemed like it was a touchy subject for him, but I had no right to pry when there was so much I was holding back as well. When he won the next war, I knew what was coming.

“Your dad?”

“He wasn’t around when I was a kid. I didn’t meet him until after my mom died. I was sent to live with him after spending a couple months in foster care while they tried to track him down.” I’d only recently learned that my dad had actually known all along where I was, but had his reasons for leaving me there. It was just one of those new bits of information that left me questioning whether my father truly was the monster I had always believed him to be, or if there was more to him.

“You’re not close with him.” It was more of a statement than a question, but I still answered.

“No I’m not. He’s not a good man.” That’s all I was giving him and he seemed to realize that I didn’t want him to push it any further.

The next two questions went to me and I asked basic things, like favorite food. We both agreed that Mexican was the best, but when I asked him his top ten favorite movies, that led to a heated debate during which I spent ten minutes trying to convince him that Will Ferrell was evil. He refused to see reason.

The next question he asked was one I should have expected, but it still caught me off guard. “Were you and Sebastian ever . . .”

I laughed. “No.”

“Really? Not at all, because you two seem awfully close and he’s really protective of you.”

“He’s my best friend. He’s always been my best friend, but that’s it. He’s protective because he thinks I need protecting.”

“Do you?”

“I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself, but he has his reasons why he worries.”

“Is that guy from last weekend one of them?”

“I feel like this has been way more than one question, but yes, he worries about Connor, obviously, or you wouldn’t be here right now. Can we change the subject or finish the game?” I asked, growing uncomfortable with how easy I was finding it to talk to him.

“I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me who Connor is or what the history there is?” he asked.

“Nope.”

“Okay, let’s play.”

He won the next war too, but neither one of us was really into the game anymore. Still I waited for his question.

“You said everything in the house is just how your mom left it.”

“That’s not really a question.”

“Your room, is it the same?”

“Uh, well I’m staying in my mom’s old room now, but yes my room is still the same. Why would you want to know that?”

“We’re both tired of this game and I want you to show me your room.”

“If you think that by getting my into my room, you can-”

“That’s not why I want to see it, but if you have something in mind I could be persuaded,” he added suggestively.

“Then why do you want to see it?”

“I’m just curious about the room you grew up in; what kind of kid you were.”

“Oh.” It wasn’t really the answer I expected.

“So what’s it going to be Princess?”

Should I show him?

There really wasn’t anything too personal he could gain from seeing it. It hadn’t been my room in almost ten years and everything from that time in my life was the good stuff.

“Um sure, I guess.” A real smile spread across his face, it wasn’t leering or cocky, and I wished I could see it more often. I gave myself a mental slap upside the head. Thoughts like those needed to stop. It was a nice smile though.

I led him up the stairs and stood in the doorway while Kyden entered the room and did a full 360, taking in everything. It was a little embarrassing having him see all of the pink and girly frill everywhere and the Barbie dream house still full of Barbies, but hey, I had been twelve. He moved to inspect the giant picture collage hanging above my dresser. It was a timeline of my friendship with Bas. He made it for my tenth birthday and across the top in big, bold lettering it said “Soc and Jaz.”

He raised his eyebrows in question. “Soc and Jaz?”

“It’s our initials. That’s how I got the nickname ‘Jazz.’ My full name is Jaxyn Avery Zane and his is Sebastian Oliver Cross. I don’t remember when we came up with them, but mine stuck and he’s used it ever since.”

“Cute, but I still prefer Princess.”

The only other person in the entire world who had ever called me Princess was my mom. Hearing him use that nickname, in the room that had been my very own enchanted fairy tale land, caused the memory of my mom telling me to wait for the guy who would treat me like a princess to resurface. I wanted to laugh. There was no way she meant someone like Kyden. Everything about him would have made her want to lock me up in a tower.

“Why do you call me that?” I had to know.

“The tattoo, Princess.” Reflexively my hand went to the back of my neck where the words ‘Once Upon A Time’ were scrolled up my neck, behind my right ear in elegant, curling script. “I saw it when you threw yourself on me at the bar.” He smirked.

“I was pushed,” I corrected, not that it mattered to him.

“If you say so, but you don’t have to be embarrassed. You’re not the first girl to throw herself at me, although you did it more literally.”

“You’re funny.” He wasn’t really, and my tone let him know that.

“And you’re cute Princess.” He ruffled my hair and I wanted to be more irritated than I was by that. “Seeing all this,” he gestured around the room, “it all makes sense now.” I wasn’t sure what he meant by that but I felt like I needed to explain.

“My mom loved fairytales and every night before bed she would tell me a story. Sometimes they were from books or movies and other times she would make one up, but every single one began with ‘Once upon a time.’ There was always a princess and no matter what happened, the story would end with a happily ever after.”

I missed those stories. I missed the way her eyes would light up as she spun tales of adventure and true love. I could always tell when the princess was about to meet her prince charming because my mom’s voice would get excited. It was her favorite part of every story. My own anticipation would build along with hers for that inevitable moment when their eyes would meet and the rest of the world would disappear. In that second, even if the characters didn’t realize it yet, I knew they were already done for. Soul mates, destiny, divine intervention, call it what you want but Mom ate that stuff up and in turn so did I. Or at least I used to.

“I think she loved them so much because her childhood lacked all of that and she wanted to make sure mine was different. She always encouraged me to believe in the impossible, have faith no matter what and create my own fairy tale. After I turned eighteen, getting the tattoo just seemed like a good way to honor her and remind myself of what she wanted for me.” I felt a little self-conscious opening up to him so much, like I had just given him a glimpse inside my soul and now he could worm his way in there and see everything.

His eyes bore into mine as he closed the distance between us. His hand reached forward and he twirled a finger around a lock of my hair. He moved slowly around me until he was standing at my back. With almost no space between our bodies, I felt like prey in the clutches of a dangerous predator. He swept my hair away from the spot where the tattoo was and goose bumps immediately rose over my skin. He brushed his fingers gently over the words and I couldn’t stop myself from melting into his touch. I tipped my head down giving him better access.

“Beautiful, Princess.” He let my hair fall back over my shoulder and he came to stand in front of me again. “Your entire face lights up when you talk about your mom, she sounds very special.” I was reminded of his answer when I asked if he was close to his own mother.

“She was, I still miss her every day,” I admitted, caught in his piercing gaze. He was so close I could feel the heat emanating from his body and see his eyes darken as he loomed over me. His face was so close to mine that I could feel his warm breath on my skin.

“Are you going to kiss me?” My voice came out breathless and the corners of his mouth curved up into a devastating smile.

“Believe me; you’ll know when I’m going to kiss you.” He lowered his face until it was just inches from mine. My heart rate increased and a flush crawled up my neck and over my face. His eyes were locked on mine and I was unable to look away or move, even though I knew I should. He leaned in even closer until his lips hovered just over my jaw. He took my chin gently in one hand and trailed his thumb over my bottom lip. I felt his warm breath on my neck as he moved to whisper in my ear.

“You’re not ready for me yet Princess, but when you are, I promise you won’t have to ask whether or not I’m going to do it, but you need to know right now that I’m not a prince and I never will be.” Just like that he pulled away and walked right out of the room. It took me a moment to collect myself and I was left wondering what the heck had just happened.

Holy heart attack Batman.

I was in trouble. That much I knew. With just a look and a few breathy words he was able to turn my thoughts into mush and wipe out any self control I thought I had. I didn’t know whether I wanted to kiss him or punch him, but I was sure I wouldn’t make it through the rest of the night alone with him, without doing one of those two things. I was afraid I knew which one it would be too.

Even now I was imagining what it would feel like to have his lips on mine. I was confident it wouldn’t be like any kiss I’d ever had, not that I’d been kissed a lot. However, if I let Kyden kiss me even once, I doubted I would be able to say that again because I didn’t think I would be able to tell him to stop. That wasn’t something I could let happen. It was time to call in reinforcements. I pulled out my phone and sent a quick text. The reply was almost instantaneous and I breathed a sigh of relief. Shane was on his way.

Chapter 8

“You expecting anyone else, Princess?” Kyden hollered from the living room as a knock sounded at the front door.

“Yes.” I came dashing out of the kitchen, where I had been pretending to tidy up for the last twenty minutes in order to avoid him. I tried to reach the door before him, but he beat me to it. He pulled the door open and took in the large, well muscled figure standing on my porch. He wasn’t as tall as Kyden, but he still stood at almost six foot and had a thicker build.

I hadn’t seen Shane since the day he showed up at my apartment in Portland and once again I was struck by just how much he resembled our father. Same squared jaw, hooked nose and close cropped haircut. His eyes were the only real difference. He had his mother’s blue eyes. In fact, all of my siblings got their eye color from their moms. None of us have the same mom. Shane was the oldest at twenty four, then me, followed by Cathryn, just a year younger and Ryan who was eighteen. Of all of us, I was the only child to inherit my Dad’s unusual eye color. I hated it.

“Who’s this?” Hostility poured from Kyden’s mouth. He didn’t even bother to address Shane himself.

“This is Shane.” I let that soak in for a moment before I finished, “my brother.” His shoulders, which had stiffened, noticeably relaxed. “Shane, this is Kyden.” My brother stuck out his hand and Kyden took it. During their brief exchange there was a moment when they locked eyes that I saw some macho battle of wills taking place. Guys!

“Shane is going to stay with me the rest of the night, so you’re officially off the hook,” I informed Kyden and he looked less than pleased.

“Nobody said anything about that. Chris told me I was supposed to stay until he comes over in the morning.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because nobody bothered to check with me before making those decisions. Thanks for being here, but you can go now.” Kyden didn’t look the least bit happy about being dismissed.

“Didn’t take you for a coward, Princess.” He narrowed his eyes on me and then leaned forward. “I’m not the big bad wolf,” he whispered in my ear before he walked out the door and yet that’s exactly how I felt around him.

I just hoped he wouldn’t immediately inform Bas or Chris of the change in plans. I wanted a little more time to figure out how to explain Shane’s presence and convince Bas not to kill him. Until last month, things between Shane and I were akin to the relationship between North and South Korea.

In that depiction my father would be cast as the evil dictator and each of my siblings played the part of puppet soldier oh so well. Suffice to say, Bas had swooped in on many occasions to come between me and them, especially Shane. Often it had resulted in one or the both of them bloody and bruised. Everything changed though, when Shane tracked me down in Portland, well at least everything between the two of us. I wasn’t the only one to make life altering decisions during the last three years.

“So why exactly did I need to rush over here and rescue you?” Shane asked after Kyden was gone.

“It was either that or you would’ve had to hire a lawyer to get me off on murder. I would’ve killed him before the night was over.”

“Mmhmm, I’m sure that’s what you would’ve done,” he said mockingly. I responded by shooting him a dirty look. “What’s the matter sis? You seem a little flustered.”

I groaned. I had traded one smug jerk for another. At least I didn’t have to worry about this one destroying my sense of morals and self-respect. “I don’t want to talk about him.” I headed into the living room. He followed me and sat down on the couch and helped himself to the remaining snacks.

“Fine, we won’t talk about that guy who you obviously have a thing for and who clearly has a thing for you too. Heard from Dad since you’ve been back?”

“Ugh,” that wasn’t what I wanted to talk about either, “not unless you count the incident with Connor as his welcome back, which it very well might have been.”

“Doubt it,” was all he said. That was where we disagreed. He didn’t think Dad was behind everything Connor did, but I knew better.

To prevent any further discussion of our poor excuse for a father, I flipped the TV on and turned to the latest Marvel film. It was the first time we’d ever sat down and watched a movie together and it was nice. I sprawled out on the couch with my feet across his lap and that was how we both fell asleep.

It was after one in the morning when I was startled awake by a surprisingly loud and unfamiliar ringtone. I looked over to see Shane passed out with his head tipped back and his mouth partially open.

“Shane. Your phone.” I nudged him with my foot so he would wake up and answer it.

“S’not me,” he mumbled groggily, then shifted his body to rest his head on the arm of the couch and went back to sleep. I realized that he was right. The noise was coming from the coffee table where my phone was sitting. I reached for it and found that it was indeed my phone blaring the words to Animals by Nine Inch Nails. That wasn’t one of my ringtones though.

When I looked at the caller ID that popped up on the screen, it all made sense. Kyden must have set the ringtone when he entered his number.

“Hello?” My voice was heavy with sleep and irritation.

“Princess, please fucking tell me you’re okay.” His voice was verging on panic.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” I was confused as to why he was checking up on me in the middle of the night, and then realization hit me. He must’ve talked to Bas or Chris.

“We’ve been calling and texting you for over half an hour and you haven’t responded.” I pulled the phone away from my face and saw that I had eight unread text messages and twelve missed calls.

“You talked to Bas?”

“Chris called him after he got home from his date and I explained why I wasn’t with you. What’s going on Princess?” Just then I heard the sound of a car door slamming followed by footsteps hammering across the porch. I hung up the phone, swung my legs down to the floor and shook Shane awake. He sat up just as I heard a key turning in the lock.

“I had hoped to save this until morning, but Bas is here.” As soon as the words left my mouth, he appeared in the living room, ready to rip someone’s head off. He halted as he took in the two of us on the couch. His gaze swept over me, checking to make sure I was in one piece and then, when he was satisfied that I was, he narrowed his eyes on Shane.

“What’s going on Jazz?” Bas demanded without looking away from my brother.

“It’s okay. This is my fault. I should have talked to you earlier, but there’s still so much I’m processing and I didn’t know how to explain it all to you.”

“Well you can start with why Connor’s best friend is sitting in your living room, and how come I’m not beating the shit out of him for it.”

“He’s not here to cause any trouble or hurt me, Bas. Things are different now.”

“Are they now?” he scoffed. Clearly he wasn’t buying it, and honestly I couldn’t say that I blamed him. I had been just as skeptical when Shane stood in front of me, trying to convince me to trust him. Ultimately he had though, and I knew Bas would come around once he heard the full story too.

Before I could go into further explanation, another set of car doors slammed outside and we were joined by Chris and Kyden, looking just as distressed as bas. “Jeez, was it really necessary to bring the whole damn cavalry Bas?”

“I told you Princess, you weren’t answering your phone.”

“We were worried,” Chris added and Just as Bas had done, he fixed a glare on Shane, trying to take in the situation. “The three of us were already on the way when you finally answered, and then you hung upon Ky and we didn’t know what was going on.”

“Well everything is fine. I’m fine, he’s fine, so you can all go home.” I knew the likelihood of any of them cooperating was low.

“I’m still waiting for you to tell me why my fist isn’t in his face, Jazz.” I tried to think of a way to make him understand, without revealing too much in front of the one person in the room who knew nothing about this part of my past. I really wanted to keep it that way.

“Like I said, things are different. Shane is different. We’ve been talking lately and we sorted through a lot. He’s helped me to see some stuff from a different perspective and we’ve gotten to a place where I trust him Bas.” I meant it. Getting there hadn’t been easy for either of us, but after a lot of apologies and tears, I had been willing to give him a chance at being in my life. He gave me some very good reasons to, one I especially couldn’t ignore.

Bas and Chris would always be my brothers, but the steps Shane and I had taken towards building a relationship, brought a sliver of peace to the part of my soul that had always dwelt on feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt, because I believed something had to be innately wrong with me if my own family couldn’t love me. Shane and I still had a long way to go in just getting to know one another, but I was excited about having a blood relative who would be there for me. I hadn’t felt that since my mom died.

“You trust him? I’m sure that’s exactly what he wants, so he can set you up for his buddy, just like before,” Bas bit out. Up until that point Shane had been sitting there quietly, but that set him off.

“I didn’t fucking have anything to do with that,” Shane snapped as he flung himself up from the couch. Bas squared his shoulders and pressed forward. Both Kyden and Chris shifted their stances, ready to step in if the situation escalated.

“Why should I believe you? How many times did you let him near her?” Bas took another step closer, every word laced with indignation. “How many times did you leave her alone with him? You practically served her up on a platter.”

I stood up to put my hand on Bas’ arm, but he shook me off without as much as a glance. I looked pleadingly at Chris to do something, but I could tell he was siding with his brother. I forced myself to look over at Kyden. I didn’t want him hearing any of this. I could see the tension in his jaw and the fury in his eyes. It was obvious he was drawing his own conclusions from the bits of information being laid out.

“I don’t care what you think. Yes, he was my friend, but I didn’t know what he had planned, that he was going to . . . I mean I knew he was an asshole, but I just didn’t . . .” He had trouble putting into words what had haunted my nightmares for years.

“Your own father -”

“STOP!” I screamed. I couldn’t let Bas finish that sentence. Kyden couldn’t know my shame at being betrayed by my own flesh and blood. Everyone’s eyes darted to me, and with a pleading look I tried to make Bas understand. “Don’t do this here.” His eyes flitted to Kyden and he seemed to realize what I was asking.

“Fine. The three of us will go upstairs. You two,” he said, addressing Kyden and Chris, “can wait down here.” Neither one looked pleased about being excluded, but they didn’t protest. I turned and led the way up to my room where we would have more privacy, as long as it didn’t escalate into another shouting match.

I took a seat on the edge of my bed but both guys remained standing. They were quiet, allowing me the opportunity to speak first.

“Bas, I know this is hard to accept. I had the same doubts at first, but after you hear what he has to say, you’ll realize he’s not trying to trick me or hurt me, so just let him talk.”

“Hmph, we’ll see.” His tone made it quite clear that he doubted there was anything Shane could say to convince him. He laced his words with as much disdain as he could when he addressed him, “so let’s hear it, tell me all about how you’ve changed.”

“You actually played a part in it.” Bas looked shocked for a second before he covered it up with cool indifference and let Shane continue. “You may not believe me, but even though I was a dick to Jaxyn, I never actually wanted her hurt. I didn’t find out what happened until months after.” Bas gave him a doubtful look. “I’m telling you the truth. I found out the day you showed up at the house after Jaxyn had already split.”

Hearing him repeat the story for Bas flashed me back to the day I came out of my apartment and found Shane standing on the stoop outside

“I was hoping if I stood out here long enough you would show. I couldn’t work up the nerve to knock on your door.”

What was he doing here? Was he here for my father, to try and take me back? Oh God, please don’t let Connor be with him. It’d been almost three years, why now?

“I can tell you’re not happy to see me, and I don’t blame you. I just want to say what I came here to say and then if you still want me gone, I’ll go. Just please hear me out, it’s taken me a long time to track you down.”

I snorted. “Don’t try to play this like Dad hasn’t known where I’ve been this whole time. I’m not delusional enough to think that he couldn’t find me with just one phone call.”

“You’re right, but since I haven’t spoken to our father in over two years it was a little bit harder for me.”

“What?”I couldn’t mask my surprise.

“Yeah, and if you’ll give me just a little bit of your time, I’ll explain everything.”

I let him follow me over to a little diner down the street. I claimed a corner booth in the back and he slid in across from me.

“So, you want to talk, then talk.”I raised my arm up to flag down a waitress and ordered a cup of tea. Shane got a coffee.

“I know I’ve never been anything but another reason for you to hate our family, but I’d like the chance to change that. I want to try to actually be your brother.”

Not what I was expecting and I wasn’t buying it. “Why now?” He’d had plenty of opportunities during my six year stay in that house to be my brother. What could have changed in the time that I had been gone?

“Because I didn’t protect you from Connor when I should have.”

I froze, knowing exactly what he was referring to and an icy chill swept over me as I mentally relived it.

“I swear I didn’t know. I might not have liked you at the time and I never stopped Connor from running his mouth around you, but I never would’ve been okay with what he,” he paused and took a deep breath, “I didn’t find out until later, or I swear I would have stopped him.” Maybe it was the look on his face or something in his voice, but I believed he was telling me the truth. I was surprised by the hope I felt inside, the relief at knowing he hadn’t been in on it.

“How did you find out?”

“Sebastian showed up at the house about a week after you took off. Connor and I were the only ones there. Your buddy charged in and exploded, he threw himself on Connor faster than either one of us could react. He busted up his face pretty good before I ripped him off. I was about to lay into him when he started screaming, asking what Connor had done to you this time, and yelling that if he had put his hands on you again he was gonna kill him.

“At first I thought he had just lost his damn mind, then I remembered the first time your friend broke Connor’s nose. You were supposed to be grounded, but you refused to come back to the house no matter what Dad threatened, and when you did finally come back you were so quiet and seemed scared, like you were when you first moved in. That’s when I realized something must have gone down that I didn’t know about.” It gave me a tiny sliver of satisfaction to know that Bas had gotten Connor good again. He would have killed him that night when he found us, if he hadn’t been so concerned with getting me out of there.

“I was confused and stunned all at the same time. He knew who our father was and who could’ve been at the house that day and he just didn’t care. He was willing to take on anyone to protect you. He shouldn’t have had to though. I told Sebastian that you had taken off on your own, that nobody had hurt you. He just looked me in the eye laughed and said I had to be joking saying that nobody had hurt you. He left but I felt fucking sick, because he was right. We had all been hurting you for years.” His eyes were swamped with guilt and shame, and I knew it was genuine.

“I didn’t know what to do.” His voice sounded defeated. I knew it was tough for him to tell me this. “I went to Dad and when I found out that he had pushed you into the situation that night, it wasn’t hard for me to put the pieces together about what went down. I was pissed and I was done. I told Dad I was out.”

“How’d that go over?” I could just imagine the look on my dad’s face as his favorite child and protégé told him he was leaving.

“Not well. He was already in a rage over you splitting and he just came unglued.”

“Like he cared one way or the other where I was. I’m sure he was just disappointed he couldn’t marry me off to Connor and keep all of the business in the family, but hey he still had one daughter left, he could’ve just given Cathryn to him.”

“She certainly tried that, but Connor never wanted her. It was always you, and I’m sorry nobody ever stopped that.” I wasn’t surprised to hear that Cathryn had thrown herself at Connor. She just didn’t know how lucky she was that he didn’t want her. Although they might actually be made for each other, she was almost as cruel and vicious as he was. “Dad really was upset about you leaving. He worried that you wouldn’t be protected.”

I snorted.

“You’re underestimating how Dad feels about you. I know he played his part in what happened, but I don‘t think he knows the extent of what Connor did. He wouldn’t listen when I tried to make him see it, but I think that if he really knew everything, he would kill him.”

“You’re wrong. I’m not underestimating anything. I’m pretty clear on just how much contempt and loathing he feels towards me. I think maybe you’re confusing yourself, or Ryan or even Cathryn, with me. I’m the one he can’t stand.” My Dad wasn’t really loving or affectionate with any of us, but none of them got the same hostility and resentment from him that I did. Shane was his favorite, he tolerated Ryan and Cath, but he despised me.

“That’s because he cares about you more than the rest of us.”

Now I really was beginning to think this whole thing was some cruel joke. “I think the word you meant to use was less. He cares about me less than the rest of you.”

“I know it seems that way, but it’s not true. He just has a harder time accepting you because you remind him of your mom.”

Why was he bringing my mother into it? “What does she have to do with this?”

“As hard as he tried he tried he couldn’t stop himself from loving her.”

I was instantly furious. My father did a lot of things to my mom, but loving her was not one of them. “Don’t you dare,” I seethed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. He sure as hell didn’t love my mother. He broke her. He used her and ripped her heart out and never looked back. That is not love.” I could feel my rage building like a hurricane fueled by the pain that man caused her. My raised voice caused customers to look our way. Shane noticed as well and lowered his own voice.

“Our father is a special kind of bastard, but he did love her, as much as he is capable of loving anyone. That’s exactly why he did those things. He has no use for love because it has no value to him. It’s a weakness and he despises weakness in people, especially himself.”

“That’s sick and so messed up. You don’t do that to people you love. What makes you so sure that you’re right?”

“I know it doesn’t make sense to you because you’re not twisted like he is. He doesn’t tolerate weakness, he’s afraid of it, so he tried to eliminate it. He did that by leaving your Mom, and he did it by being just as awful to you, making sure that you would hate him. She’s the only one he ever loved and I would imagine that since you’re a piece of her, it still affects him.”

“You want me to believe that he reserved a unique brand of cruelty just for us because he was afraid of loving us? I’m sorry, but I don’t buy it.”

“Answer me this, why, out of all his kids, were you the only one allowed to be raised by your mom? When the rest of us were born we were put into the care of nannies under his control, and our moms were only allowed limited contact with us, but not you.” I didn’t have an answer for him and he knew it.

“He let your mom keep you and gave up any say in your life because he couldn’t stop himself from caring about her. As much as he hurt her, he couldn’t take you away from her. He wasn’t willing to give the rest of our moms, or anyone else, the opportunity to manipulate him by using his kids, but he did in your case.”

“My mom would have fought him. My mom would never have sat back and let him take me.” I didn’t mean for that to shine such a harsh light on his own mother, but I couldn’t change the truth”

“You’re right about your mom being different, but do you honestly think if he had wanted to take you, that she could have stopped him?”

No. No matter how much my mother loved me and no matter how hard she would have fought, he could have kept her from ever seeing me again. Nobody ever got in his way and survived.

“You know, we didn’t even know you existed before you came to live with us. I’m not sure if anyone did. Not a word was ever spoken about you, but I remember the day I found out. I was fifteen and for days Dad had been in the worst mood any of us had ever seen. Throwing and smashing things all over the house. He was like a damn grizzly bear, nobody wanted to approach him for anything because he was biting heads off left and right. Then one morning he came into my room, told me to put a suit on and come with him.

“We ended up standing in the back at a funeral service. Everyone was crying and I didn’t understand why we were there. It was for some lady I had never heard of. I looked around, it wasn’t a huge service, but I could tell that the people must have really loved whoever she was. Then dad just looked at me and said, ‘These people all are fools. This is what happens when you let your emotions rule you. Don’t waste your time on love or you’ll end up just like them.’ I’d never seen Dad so . . . emotional, but it was nothing compared to everyone else there. They were all devastated. Especially the little girl sitting in the front row. She was bawling these awful, heart wrenching sobs. When she walked past me, I saw her face. She had the most shattered look in her eyes, almost like she was empty, like whoever had died had taken this little girl with them. Then Dad said, ‘She’s your sister.’ We left and that was it. He didn’t mention it again until the day you moved in.”

“That’s not possible. You couldn’t have been at the funeral. I went to a group foster home for two months because they couldn’t figure out who my father was to notify him. If he was there, then that means he-”

“He knew, and we were there. He left you in the group home because he hoped some other relative of your mom’s would pop up and take you. It was his last attempt to do something for your mom, for you. He was trying to keep you away from his life and I think he was also too scared to face you. You’re the manifestation of the only love he’s ever truly shown; his only weakness.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d spent my entire life believing my father hated me. Now I was being told that in his own messed up way he actually cared about me and my mom. I wasn’t sure what to believe, but I did know it wouldn’t change anything. Or would it? It definitely didn’t make up for all the things he had done.

“I don’t know what you expect me to do with all this. Even if what you’re telling me is true, it doesn’t make anything okay. The things he’s done are inexcusable.”

“I know. I didn’t come here to try and get you to forgive him or stop hating him. I just thought it would help you to understand him better, and understand why I was so cold to you, why Cathryn and Ryan always had it out for you. We all knew you were different, that you meant something more to him than we did, and we resented you for it.”

“How was any of it my fault? And what the hell could you have possibly resented? He treated me terribly!” I choked out.

“It wasn’t your fault, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. None of it was ever your fault.”

“So now, what? You’re just over it, done hating me. I run away and suddenly you realize Connor is an evil psychopath and our father is a coward?” I looked at him skeptically. I just didn’t see how it was enough for this complete personality makeover I was seeing.

“There’s more . . .”

I was brought back to the present just as Shane was recounting to Bas, the last bit of his story; the part that finally convinced me and left absolutely no doubt about his sincerity. It, or I should say she, was also the main impetus for my return.

“Her name is Isabelle. She turned two six months ago. I found out my girlfriend Lucy was four months pregnant the day before you showed up looking for Jax. I’m ashamed to admit that when Lucy told me, I reacted exactly as you would have expected me to. I told her I didn’t want anything to do with a kid, and that she wasn’t going to use a baby to try and trap me.” Bas’ face screwed into disgust and he shook his head.

“I’m not proud of my behavior, but the idea of being a father terrified me. After you showed up and made me realize just how much we had all failed Jaxyn, especially my dad, I realized I was about to do that to another kid. Lucy knew she was having a girl and I just kept picturing my daughter as that scared little twelve year old from the funeral. I thought about Jaxyn’s face each time Cathryn and Ryan teased her about her mom, and the way she would look so completely defeated every time I intentionally set Dad’s wrath on her. I didn’t want my child to pay for my shortcomings the way Jaxyn paid for our father’s. I went to Lucy and begged her to forgive me for being so selfish and I’ve spent every day since trying to make up for my stupidity then, and thanking God that she gave me another chance. I’ll never be more thankful for anything than I am to have my wife and my daughter.”

My throat felt tight with emotion as I watched my brother’s eyes light up when he talked about his wife and daughter. It was exactly how a father’s eyes should look. Bas sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“So, a daughter?” Not even he could remain unmoved by Shane’s confession.

“Yeah. Isabelle,” then he looked at me. “Isabelle Jaxyn Malloy.”

I gasped, shocked at the revelation. It was the first time I’d heard her full name and I was speechless. He named his daughter after me? I finally found my words and asked the only thing I could think of. “Why?”

He chuckled lightly at my bewildered state. “When I thought about my daughter growing up the way you did and I realized I didn’t want to be the kind of father ours was, I also realized that if she grew up with even half of your strength, she would be alright in life, no matter what. I don’t want to be anything like our dad, but I want my daughter to be like her aunt.”

I couldn’t believe he thought that, I was anything but strong. “But . . . I’m not strong,” I whispered.

“Yes you are. Through all the pain and shit you’ve been dealt, you still haven’t given up. You’re kind and smart and determined. You refused to let Dad, or anyone else beat that out of you. You’ve never been afraid to love and I understand now, that love isn’t weakness at all. Loving someone is one of the bravest things you can do. It’s a choice you make that requires you to give a part of yourself, but you become even stronger for it. You’ve always had that strength inside of you. So when you doubt yourself or think that doesn’t matter, know that it that matters a hell of a lot to me, because if it weren’t for you, I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.”

Damn it I was going to cry again, and I did. Bas’ anger had completely subsided and he seemed to accept that Shane was going to be a part of my life now; because there was no way I wasn’t going to be a part of my niece’s life. I didn’t have much family; I was going to hold on to the ones that I did have. I couldn’t wait to finally meet her.

I was still wiping the tears from my eyes when we reentered the living room a few minutes later. “You promise I can finally meet her tomorrow?” I asked him.

“Yeah, I’ll bring her and Luce for dinner. They both really want to meet you.” After Shane gathered his keys and phone I did something I had never done before and I wrapped my arms around him. For the first time in my life, I hugged my big brother. I could tell that he was caught off guard at first. His body tensed for just a second and then he returned the gesture and squeezed me back. He pressed a kiss to the top of my head before we separated. “See you tomorrow little sister.” I shut the door behind him and then turned to face the rest of them.

“I’m gonna crash at Dad’s tonight,” Chris said, “Ky you want to come snuggle?” Kyden shot him a look that was far from amused. “Oh come on, I thought your rules only extended to females,” Chris ribbed him.

I was curious what he was referring to though. “Rules?” I asked.

“I don’t sleep with anyone Princess.”

“Hmph. I find that really hard to believe,” I retorted.

“We’re not talking about the same thing, Princess. When I take a girl to bed it’s not sleeping that we do, and when we’re done I say goodbye. I don’t spoon, or cuddle, or do mornings after or any of that other bullshit.”

“Yes, how unreasonable of a girl to expect any decency or consideration after giving it up to you.”

His eyes darkened and a scowl covered his face. “You think they come to me half dressed and lust crazed, looking for a good cuddle? They know exactly what they’re getting and I can assure you they’re plenty satisfied when I’m done,” he growled.

“You’re an ass.” I didn’t usually swear, but the way he regarded women frustrated me to no end.

“On that note, goodnight. You kids try to play nice.” Chris waggled his eyebrows and made his exit.

“Well Casanova,” I did nothing to try and hide my contempt for his debasement of my gender. “Your choices are the couch or the princess bed. You can take your pick. There are extra blankets in the closet by the stairs,” I informed him before making my way up the stairs.

I was beyond exhausted and wanted nothing more than to crawl between my soft sheets and sink into a blissful sleep. Bas followed me and I heard Kyden coming up behind him. He walked down the hall and into my old room. I almost laughed trying to picture him wrapped up in pink blankets and the sparkly gauze canopy that draped around my old bed. That would certainly be a sight, and a good blackmail photo.

Chapter 9

The next morning I woke to the sound of a doorknob rattling and the bedroom door scraping over the carpet. I slowly pried my eyes open. The sun was already streaming in through the curtains and Bas’ face was still buried in the pillow next to mine. He started to stir at the same time I remembered the sound that woke me. I heard a sharp intake of breath and snapped my head toward the door way to see Lissa standing there staring at Bas lying next to me in the bed. Her face was a mix of betrayal and outrage.

“Crap,” I muttered under my breath, but it was enough for Bas’ eyes to finally pop open, and upon seeing my face, he followed my gaze.

“I knew it. I knew you were going to sleep with her.”

“Calm down Liss, it’s not like that.” He pulled the covers back and stood to face her. I remained in my spot on the bed, but I sat up, which made me feel slightly less vulnerable with an irate girlfriend glaring daggers at me.

“Don’t tell me to calm down. I caught you in bed with her.” Her shouting brought Chris into the room to see what was going on. I had to assume that he had let himself in this morning, presumably to raid my food since all his dad usually had in the cupboards was organic, whole grain, high fiber, super food. He had to have let her in as well.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, confirming my suspicions. “She said she was just here to talk to Sebastian. I didn’t know she was gonna freak out.”

“On what planet would any girl not freak out when finding her boyfriend in bed with someone else?”

“The one where they’re not actually screwing each other. It’s really not a big deal. They used to sleep over all the time together in high school.” Chris’ attempt to rectify the situation had the opposite effect.

“Even better.” She glared at Bas. “You’ve been sleeping with her for years and you lied to me about it.”

“Wait, no. I didn’t mean like that. I meant they just slept in the same bed. Key words being just slept.”

“Right. I’m not that naïve, so you can quit trying to cover for them.” Chris just put his hands up in surrender and took a step back from her.

“Liss we’re both still in our clothes for fuck’s sake. If you would just stop being so damn emotional for five seconds you’d realize I’m not lying to you.”

Oh no. Wrong thing for Bas to say. Apparently I hadn’t taught him anything about dealing with ticked off females, because you definitely don’t accuse them of being emotional.

“I. Don’t. Care. You were in bed with her.” She said the last part like I was some kind of disease she was afraid of catching. “You should have been home. With me, but you weren’t. You were here, sleeping next to another woman.”

“And I just told you nothing happened. When I told you I was coming over here to check on her last night, you told me not to come home, so where did you expect me to be?”

“Not in bed with her,” she yelled.

“She’s my sister, Liss. Why are you making a big deal out of it?”

Chris and I made eye contact and silently agreed to give them their space to work this out, or yell it out, without an audience. Chris turned and quietly left the room and I got up and started to move toward the door to follow, but she stopped me in my tracks.

“Don’t you move you home wrecking whore!” There was so much acid in her voice, I almost felt a physical sting. She turned back toward Bas. “She’s not really your sister. You should have slept on the couch!”

“She is my sister and I don’t know how many ways I can explain it to you so that you understand that. But you’re not going to stand here, in Jaxyn’s house, and verbally assault her.”

She huffed, taken aback by Bas asserting himself like that. I’m not sure what she had been hoping for, but whatever it was she didn’t get it. She redirected her anger back on to me. “Are you happy now? You got what you wanted.”

I started to speak but Bas didn’t give me the chance. “Enough, Lissa. I’m done talking since you’re not listening. If you’re just going to continue to hurl insults and accusations, you need to go.”

If dirty looks could kill, Bas and I would both be dead. “Fine,” she snapped and then stormed out of the room, down the stairs and out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

“Bas, you should rethink this and go after her. I don‘t want to come between you two.” I tried to reason with him.

“No! I’m done giving in to her. It’s bullshit that she doesn’t trust me. She’s acting like a jealous bitch,” he practically shouted at me.

“But you love her,” I reminded him.

“It doesn’t matter. She’s done nothing but attack me and accuse me of cheating all week.”

“Then go right now. Show her that she matters.”

“I showed her that every damn day this week by staying away from you, and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not going to leave you hanging because she’s insecure.”

“Hey, we’re good, and we’re always going to be good. She’s not going to change that. Our friendship will survive your relationship with her. It’s just going to take time for her to see that I’m not trying to take you away.”

“Jazz, you’ve been my best friend since kindergarten. If she wants to force me to choose, then I’m going to choose you.”

“Not over this. I love you Bas, which is why I’m not going to let you ruin things with the girl you love because of your pride, or your misguided attempt to defend me. She’ll come around to me, but in order for that to happen, you have to go after her.”

“No.” The withering look he gave me said our conversation was over, and then he turned and walked out of the room.

“Stubborn mule,” I mumbled under my breath as I threw myself back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Things were such a mess. I came back to repair my relationships, not destroy everyone else’s. If Bas was planning on proposing to her before I came back, then I knew she was special and I couldn’t let him blow it. That night in the restaurant, I’d gotten the feeling that Lissa suspected there was something more than friendship between Bas and me. She wasn’t the first girlfriend he’d had who thought I was trying to steal her man. I couldn’t blame her entirely either. I knew how hard it would be for me to understand a relationship like ours if I was looking at it from the outside, especially if it was my boyfriend and another girl.

I had no idea what to do to convince her I didn’t have feelings like that for Bas. Our one and only kiss had been clumsy and awkward and left us both embarrassed and unfulfilled. It was during our eighth grade year. With all of the new hormones and social pressures to start dating, for a brief moment we convinced ourselves that we felt something more and owed it to each other to pursue it. However, after that one kiss we both knew, without a doubt, that we would never be more than friends. It had literally felt like I was kissing a relative. His reaction had been much the same and we both agreed never to speak of it again.

I thought of how different kissing Kyden would feel. There would be nothing awkward or brotherly about kissing him.

Ugh. Knock it off.

That was the last thing I needed to be thinking about. His lips wouldn’t be coming anywhere near mine, no matter how tempting they were. I was, however, unable to resist taking a peak into the princess room to see if he was still asleep. He hadn’t appeared at all while Lissa was yelling.

Yep, he was still asleep, and if I had been in danger of wanting Kyden before, even in all his arrogance, then I was in serious trouble when I looked down at him tangled in my hot pink sheets. Asleep there was a gentleness to his face that I hadn’t noticed beneath the smug expression and crooked grin he usually wore. He always looked devastatingly handsome but right now, he was more than that. The peacefulness and vulnerability of his rest made him beautiful in a way I never thought a man could look. There was no furrow in his brow or tension in his jaw. He wasn’t trying to reign in his every thought and emotion and bury it behind a cocky exterior. I was in a very precarious position with him, on the edge between basic attraction and something more.

I found myself wondering about his past and what he had to hide. He’d mentioned his mother and that they weren’t close, but were his parents still together, did he have any brothers or sisters? What had happened in his life to turn him into the unattainable bad boy? These were questions I couldn’t afford to dwell on lest they push me right over that edge. They were the things that would make him more . . . human; more . . . attainable.

I needed to put a stop to that line of thinking. It wouldn’t do me any good to try and unravel his story. He wasn’t a puzzle for me to solve. He was heartbreak waiting to happen. Really adorable heartbreak, snuggling with my Beauty and the Beast pillow, but heartbreak nonetheless.

I slid my finger across the screen of my phone that I’d been holding in my hand, and opened the camera. I made sure the flash was off and as stealthily as I could manage, I leaned over the bed to get a picture of him surrounded by all the pink, his head resting right next to Belle’s face.

One second I was snapping the picture and the next I was on my back pinned beneath a hard, warm, nearly naked body.  “Good morning Princess.”

His body covered mine and his hands pinned my wrists on either side of my head. Every inch of my body hummed with an acute awareness of all the places our bodies connected. He had nothing on but his boxer briefs. Our hips were aligned and his strong thighs pressed into mine. His bare chest hovered just inches above mine and I breathed in his distinctly male scent; a seductive combination of his body wash and natural musk.

“I think I’ll take this.” He shifted my wrists into one hand and held them above my head while wriggling the phone out of my grasp. He slid his fingers across the screen and I could only assume he was deleting the picture I had taken. “That wasn’t very nice, Princess.”

My heart was beating so fast against my ribcage; I was sure he could hear it. My thoughts were such a jumbled mess that I couldn’t focus enough to form a coherent sentence. All of my senses were on overload because of his closeness. He chuckled softly and lowered his upper body until every part of him was pressing down on me. With his nose he traced the outline of my jaw until his face was nuzzling my neck. He inhaled deeply and let out a sigh. “Mmmm. If this is what I’m missing out on waking up to, I may have to reconsider my stance on sleepovers.”

I felt the briefest touch of his lips, and his tongue darted out to taste my skin on a path from my shoulder up my neck to my ear. I let out a gasp as every neuron in my body fired off and I was lit up in a frenzy of need. With his weight still pinning me to the mattress, I could do nothing to escape his tantalizing assault on my flesh. He pulled my earlobe between his teeth and nibbled before abruptly releasing my arms and lifting himself off the bed. I was still stunned in place as I watched him throw on his discarded clothing and saunter out of the room without sparing a second glance. It was a full two minutes before my breathing slowed down and I could process the signals from my brain to my body, telling me to get up.

After a lengthy shower, I dressed and went downstairs to find Chris and Bas lounging in the living room and an enticing aroma wafting from the kitchen. My stomach rumbled and I followed the delicious breakfast smells. Kyden was standing barefoot in my kitchen, in front of the stove, wielding a spatula, flipping omelets and stirring fried potatoes. There was something intimate about the whole scene that made butterflies take up residence in my stomach.

“Hungry?”

“Not really.” I tried for indifference, but my traitorous stomach chose that moment to let out another fierce growl. He chuckled and turned to pull four plates out of the cupboard. He obviously felt at home in my kitchen.

“Sit,” he commanded and I obeyed. He dished up a plate and set it on the table before me.

“Umm, thanks.”

“Don’t look so shocked. I’m not always an ass, and you’re welcome.”

Before I could respond, Chris and Bas barged into the room. “Smells good. Food done?” Chris asked joining us. He immediately grabbed a plate and piled it high with food before taking the seat next to mine. He was closely followed by Bas who dished up equally daunting portions and claimed the seat across from me.

“Mmmm. Wow, this is amazing.” I said after taking my first bite. There were bits of cheese, bacon, onion and chives in the omelets and I was convinced that there was nothing this guy couldn’t do well.

“Much better than Nutter Butters in strawberry milk, that’s for sure.” Bas teased me for my guilty breakfast pleasure.

“Princess, cookies aren’t breakfast.” Kyden chastised me, setting down his plate and two glasses of orange juice before pulling out the seat on my other side. He lowered himself into the chair and then slid one of the glasses in front of me.

“Thank you,” I said for the orange juice, “but cookies can be breakfast if you put them in a bowl and add milk. This is really amazing too though. Thank you for cooking.”

“I don’t understand how you have a body like that if you’ve been eating cookies for breakfast. That’s so terrible, but you’re welcome for this, it wasn’t a big deal. I was hungry and figured I might as well just cook up a bunch for everyone.” He flashed a smile that was almost sheepish, like he was embarrassed to be thanked for doing something nice. Probably wasn’t something he was used to.

“Hey man, where’s our juice?” Chris whined.

“You dickheads can get your own,” Ky told him in the tone that I was much more used to. Chris scoffed, but got up and grabbed a cup before digging in the fridge for the juice.

“You really have to get a coffee pot, Jazz. I can’t survive without my morning brew.” Bas moped.

“Nope. I don’t drink that sludge, so if you want coffee when you’re here you can buy the coffee pot.”

“We’ll pick one up when we go shopping later.”

“Shopping?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

“You need to get stuff for dinner because I’m pretty sure we just cleaned you out and I’m going to need to pick up the few things I’ll need over the next week or so.” I took that to mean that he didn’t plan on fixing things with Lissa any time in the near future.

“Oh man I can’t wait for dinner,” Chris said excitedly before shoveling another bite of eggs into his mouth.

“Man how can you already be thinking about dinner when you’re still eating breakfast?” Bas asked his brother.

“Easy, I haven’t had her cooking in three years.”

“You like to cook Princess?” Ky asked.

“Yeah, it was something I used to help my mom do every night,” I answered him and then looked back over at Chris. “Who said you were even invited though? I’m cooking for my brother’s family.”

He just laughed. “Like I said, I haven’t had your cooking in three years. The fact that it was announced that you are making dinner was all the invitation I needed. So what are you making?”

“I was thinking I would make lasagna.”

“And I was hoping you would say that. Oh and you have to make cheesecake, please say you’ll make cheesecake?”

“Strawberry okay with you?” I asked sarcastically.

“Hell yes!” I just shook my head and sighed. I forgot how excited Chris could get about food.

“Well then, you two can go do your shopping and we’ll head back to our place and meet you back here later.” It seemed Kyden had invited himself for dinner as well. I told them if they were coming, they might as well bring all of the guys.

Everyone cleaned their plates; Chris even went back for seconds after devouring his first heap. I was rinsing dishes and loading them into the dishwasher when Kyden came to stand beside me. Bas and Chris had already moved out of the kitchen, back into the living room, so it was just the two of us. He took the dishes I was rinsing from my hand and began loading them for me. “You cooked, you don’t have to do the clean up as well.” I tried to protest.

“Just say thank you, Princess.” He used his hip to bump me away from the sink and then he took over scrubbing the pans.

“Thank you.” I grabbed a towel and dried the dishes he washed.

“So, you ready to fill me in on last night? What was up with Bas and your brother? I’ve never seen Bas so violent, but since you’ve been back, it’s been a common occurrence.”

I had wondered when he was going to get around to that. He wasn’t the type to let anything go.

“Nothing really to tell. Bas and my brother haven’t always gotten along. They sorted some things out last night and now they’re all good.” It wasn’t necessarily a lie. I just omitted all of the major details. I turned away from him and put the pans in the cupboard so he wouldn‘t see it in my eyes. When I turned back around he had finished with the dishes and was leaning back against the counter looking at me intently.

“Where did you learn how to cook, and are your kitchen skills limited to breakfast?” I asked, changing the subject, hoping he would take the hint not to push it.

“Growing up I spent a lot of time with our cook and I learned from her.” I had guessed he came from money, there was just something about him, and now I had confirmation. People without money didn’t have cooks. “And my skills go way beyond breakfast.” His voice dropped to a seductive growl and he waggled his eyebrows. “I look forward to tasting your cooking tonight and comparing techniques and skills.” How could anyone make preparing a meal sound so dirty? I rolled my eyes and grabbed a notepad to start a list of the groceries I would need.

“Ky, come on. Let’s go.” Chris shouted from the living room. Kyden pushed off the counter and moved past me. He stopped in the doorway and looked back over his shoulder.

“Oh and Princess,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“I’ll let it slide for now, but eventually I’m going to get the truth from you.”

Chapter 10

“Oww. Crap.” I yanked my hand back and the pan of lasagna crashed back down on the oven rack.

I hadn’t heard anyone else come into the kitchen, but I became hyper aware of someone behind me at that moment. I knew who it was even before he spoke. I could feel him.

“Here, I got it.” He placed one hand on the small of my back and took the oven pad from me with the other. Kyden set the lasagna on top of the stove and led me over to the sink.

“How bad is it?” he asked.

My brain was trying to tell my mouth to say something, but I couldn’t form any words. I think every signal in my body was overridden by my inability to stop staring at him. I should have been immune to his good looks by now, but I doubted that any amount of time would do anything for the breathlessness and flutters that ensued every time he was around.

I knew there was an angry red blister marring the inside of my arm, just below my wrist, where I bumped it on the element, but I hardly noticed the sting. His fingers were loosely wrapped around my forearm and the feel of his touch sent more heat through my body than the burn did. He turned on the faucet and held my arm under the icy stream.

He was intent on tending to my burn and I had the rare opportunity to study him unabashedly without him noticing. His features appeared much softer than usual, but I detected slight traces of concern. It was difficult not to be moved by the sweetness of it. His hair was mussed and I wanted to brush the strands that were falling over his face away so I could look into those deep green eyes, as if they held all the answers to the questions I had about him. I didn’t actually believe that gazing into those emerald orbs would reveal his secrets, but the draw to do so was strong regardless.

“Stop staring Princess.” I felt my face flush at being caught and I wanted to pull my hand out of grasp and put some distance between us, but before I could, I heard the front door burst open and the sounds of excited males storming the house. The moment was broken. Kyden released my hand and moved back just before Chris came crashing into the kitchen.

“Smells good Tink. Is the food ready?” Chris asked. I shut off the water and turned away from Kyden to dry off my hand. I didn’t look at him as I turned to face Chris.

“It’s ready, we just have to wait for my brother and his family to show up. You can make yourself useful and grab plates to set the table,” I told him while I got everything out of the fridge to prep the salads. Chris started pulling dishes out of the cupboard for place settings and Kyden disappeared into the living room where I could hear sounds from the television and several male voices. From the noise level I assumed all of their roommates had come.

I was just placing the salad bowl on the table when there was a knock at the front door. I hadn’t realized until that moment how nervous I was to finally meet my niece. I didn’t know how to be around her, and I was terrified that she wouldn’t like me. I already loved that little girl, but I desperately wanted her to love me too. I was frozen in place there in the kitchen until I heard the sweetest little voice in the entryway.

“Where’s my aunty?”

I stepped out of the kitchen and saw Bas holding the front door open. My brother and a beautiful blonde were standing in the doorway. I knew that must be Lucy, but I didn’t give them a second look. My eyes immediately went to the tiny person hanging off my brother’s arm with pretty little curls framing that adorable round face. She was decked out in a blue sparkly top, a pink tutu with a big yellow bow, purple tights and bright orange kiddie Chucks. That’s all it took for a big grin to spread across my face and in that moment I knew I not only loved that little girl, but I liked her as well, a lot.

When she saw me, all it took was one smile from her and I knew that colorful little angel was going to own me. I took a couple steps toward her and she let go of Shane’s hand and matched my steps with her little legs.

“Your hair is blue. Are you my aunty?” I was close enough to see her big baby blues looking up at me with curiosity.

“Yes I am, sweet girl.”

Her eyes got bigger and her smile widened in delight. Next thing I knew her arms were wrapped around my legs. I half giggled, half choked as I tried not cry. I reached down and ran my fingers through her curls while she hugged my legs with all the strength her toddler arms possessed. Shane looked at us with amusement. Lucy and Bas wore matching expressions, but I was sure not one of their smiles could match my own as I bent down and scooped her up into my arms.

Her giggle incited my own and when I turned to carry her into the kitchen, I noticed that we had a larger audience than I had realized. Kyden and the rest of the guys were standing across from the kitchen, in the doorway of the living room watching us. Kyden’s expression was unreadable, but I quickly looked away not wanting to give him anymore thought.

I didn’t spare him another glance throughout the entire meal. Okay, maybe I snuck a look, or possibly two, but it was hard not to be drawn in by his intensity and natural charisma. He was everything I knew I shouldn’t want, but a part of me, the weak willed part of me, couldn’t deny the attraction. How could I when he was so devastatingly gorgeous and captivating.

Attraction wasn’t enough, I told myself. It was appealing now, but it wouldn’t mean anything to my broken heart, which was inevitable with him. I wasn’t capable of not becoming emotionally attached and I didn’t think he was capable of attaching. He wanted casual and I wanted commitment in a relationship. I hadn’t known him long, but I knew him well enough to know that word would make him cringe.

If only my heart would listen to reason and stop racing every time he was around. Everyone always says to follow your heart, but the heart can be misled and deceived. I think you have to find balance between your head and your heart, and mine were at war with each other. When it came to Kyden, my heart didn’t know which way was up.

Then there was Izzy, who was not only stealing more and more of my heart by the minute, but everyone’s. She was too adorable and entertained all of us with her spunkiness. Thankfully the guys were on their best behavior and curbed the swearing around her. Everyone was having a good time.

Lucy wasn’t what I was expecting though. I thought she would have to be more of a spitfire to keep my brother in line, but she was quite the opposite. She was very reserved and easy going. Somehow it worked between them. They balanced each other. I grew to respect her immensely in the short amount of time we had to talk over dinner. She stayed home to raise Izzy, but was working to earn a degree online. I found out that she didn’t have any family in the picture helping out. For the most part, she and my brother had been on their own from day one, and I was in awe of what an amazing job the two of them were doing.

I knew it would be easy for the two of us to become good friends. She was smart and much too classy for my brother, but it was obvious she loved him intensely. She enjoyed reading almost as much as I did, and we were able to bond over books, and of course her sweet daughter.

“She sure is quick,” Bas commented when we were all sitting around the living room after dessert was finished. Chris, Danny, Spade and Marcus had already gone home for the evening, but Ace and Kyden had stuck around to hang out a while longer. Izzy was running from Ace who was chasing her around the room, eliciting a symphony of squeals and giggles.

“Tell me about it,” Lucy responded. “I spend half my waking hours chasing her all over the house. Every time I turn my back she’s into something else.”

Izzy came running over to me and jumped into my lap to escape the tickle torture Ace was about to dispense. “Aunty, aunty,” she exclaimed as she buried herself in my arms and continued to giggle.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from the mean tickle monster,” I told her and I picked up one of the throw pillows on the couch and did exactly what the name suggested I do. I threw it at Ace and he pretended to go down like he’d been hit with a missile instead of a small pillow. Izzy laughed even harder and clapped her hands.

He was much more of a softie than he let on and it made more sense when he shared that his and Marcus’ older brother had three kids; twin boys, age eight and a little girl; age four. It was clear from how he spoke of them that he loved being Uncle Ace and seeing him with Izzy and how much fun she was having, I would bet that his nephews and niece loved their uncle as well.

Kyden was the only one who didn’t really engage with Izzy. He was entertained and laughed along with the rest of us, but he also seemed to be intimidated by her. I watched him watching her and it was pretty obvious that he felt uncomfortable and unsure of her any time she got near him. That made it all the more hilarious when she walked right over to him and climbed up on his lap and started tugging on his lip ring and playing with his hair.

I could barely contain my laughter. He looked so scared; frozen in place, eyes wide with shock. He had no idea what to do about the tiny person making him her jungle gym. It was priceless to see the ordinarily self-assured bad boy brought to his knees by a toddler in a tutu. It didn’t deter her though; she was persistent and determined to make him her new friend.

Even he wasn’t able to resist her for long, and eventually succumbed to her cuteness. When he got down on the floor and let her ride around on his back like a pony, another little piece of my resistance crumbled.

By the time Shane and Lucy were ready to leave, Kyden was just as smitten with Izzy as the rest of us, and she had definitely taken to him. She was curled up in his arms fast asleep, and that sight was almost enough to make me say to heck with all my reservations and throw myself into his lap as well. Almost. That was a dangerous thing for me because what I felt in that moment went beyond simple attraction. I couldn’t handle sweet Kyden. It was too much.

I didn’t let them take Isabelle home without promising to bring her back to me on Thursday for a sleepover. I became even more excited when I found out it would be her very first sleepover. I was already making plans to hit the mall before then to stock up on everything I would need to spoil her and make it the best sleepover ever.

Ace and Kyden said goodnight as well and followed Shane and Lucy out. It was just me and Bas and I was ready to crash. I collapsed back on the couch and rested my head in his lap.

“I want one Bas.” I gave him my best pouty face and he just smacked me with the same pillow I threw at Ace.

“She’s a kid, not a puppy, Jazz,” he teased.

“I know and I’m really not anywhere near ready for kids, but she’s just so fricken cute and fun.”

“Yeah she is pretty damn cute,” he agreed. “You know we’re going to need to pick up a few things before she stays with us.”

“Yeah, I want to go to the mall this week. You should probably come with me and stop me from going too crazy.”

“Yeah. We should get one of those little play tents for her. It can be her fort. Kids love forts,” he suggested

“So true, and I want to get a sprinkler for the yard since the weather has been so nice, maybe a little kiddie pool too.”

We both continued to list things that we thought would be good to get for and I knew there was going to be no stopping the crazy. Bas had always loved kids. He frequently volunteered the two of us to babysit his younger cousins when we were in high school. I used the topic of kids to segue into a topic Bas was still trying to avoid.

“So how many kids do you and Lissa want to have?”

“Give it a rest,” he groaned.

“Not gonna happen. If I don’t get the two of you to make up then you’re going to end up alone and be the male version of a cat lady. Then I won’t have any nieces and nephews to tell embarrassing stories about all the times their father played Barbies with me. You can’t do that to me. You have to have to have at least six, maybe more. I’ll let you know later what I decide.”

That earned me another pillow to the face and I just couldn’t let that slide. Of course when I was pinned on the floor in the hallway with two pillows raining down on me, I regretted my decision to instigate a full blown pillow fight. When he finally ceased his attack, I looked up at him and let out a deep breath.

“You can stay here as long as you want. What you decide to do about Lissa is your decision, but you’re going to have to sleep on the couch or the other bedroom.” His brown wrinkled in confusion and then it looked more like irritation.

“Seriously? We weren’t doing anything wrong.”

“It doesn’t matter what happened, it matters how it looks.”

“We’ve always shared a bed, even when I was dating other people in high school. Why is it any different now?”

“We’re not kids anymore Bas. It’s easy to fall back into being so comfortable with each other because that’s how we’ve been our whole lives, but it’s not normal and I don’t blame Lissa for not understanding it.”

“Fine,” he sighed and got up off of me and then stuck a hand out to pull me up, but I was barely off the floor when he grinned and released my hand, dropping me back on my rear. I grabbed one of the pillows and he gave me a look that said ‘bring it on.’

“Here we go again” I thought.

Chapter 11

“Argh!” I let out a frustrated groan. “Bas I can’t figure these things out, they’re supposed to be toddler proof not adult proof!”

“That’s because you have to be smarter than a toddler.” He snatched the child safety locks from my hand.

“Ha. Ha. You put them on then.” Of course it didn’t take him but thirty seconds to get them apart and attached to the cupboards. He grinned smugly and I had the urge to smack him.

“Did you get the outlet caps put on and the toilet lock installed?” I huffed.

“Yes I did. Now all you have to do is snap on the corner protectors and we’re all kid proofed. Think you can manage that? They’re simple enough that even you should be able to figure it out.”

“Shut up.”

An hour later the entire house was rigged up for a toddler and we were waiting expectantly for Lucy to drop Izzy off. She was spending the night with us and then instead of taking her home in the morning, like Lucy expected me to, I had a surprise planned instead. Over dinner Lucy had mentioned how difficult it has been for her to complete her schooling online because she spends all day chasing after her rambunctious daughter. I could see the exhaustion on her face and even though my brother had a great job, they couldn‘t afford to continuously pay for childcare. I was determined to help make things easier on them, and selfishly I wanted as much time with my niece as I could get.

Having a break from Izzy tonight would give her a chance to study for an upcoming exam in one of her summer courses. I also wanted to treat her, so I called and made an appointment at one of the hotel spas for Lucy tomorrow so she could have some pampering. I also set up dinner reservations at a nice restaurant so she and my brother could have a date night, something I doubted they had been able to do in quite a while.

Everything was taken care of. I already texted Shane to fill him in and he was going to take home flowers with a card for her appointment at the spa. I let him know I would drop Izzy off tomorrow night once they got home from dinner, on my way to the bar where the guys were playing their Friday night show.

I couldn’t even remember the last time I felt so optimistic. I was happy to be doing something for my brother, hopeful about the relationship I was building with him and Lucy, and beyond excited to watch Izzy grow up and to be a part of her life as well. I had real family.

Bas was almost as excited as I was for Izzy to spend the night with us. We definitely went a little overboard on our shopping excursion. My living room looked like a Toys R Us ad, but I was making up for two and half years off not spoiling her. It was my job to go a little crazy and I couldn’t think of a better reason to dip into some of the remaining insurance money. I’d hardly touched it over the years. It’d just been sitting in an account for me. I had to be careful now though, until I found a job or had some kind of plan for my life figured out.

I decided the splurging was definitely worth it to when Izzy came in and saw all of the new things I had for her. She couldn’t decide what to go for first; the baby dolls, the toy keyboard or the rocking horse, which had actually been mine when I was a kid. I made Bas pull it out of the small attic where the few toys from my childhood that Mom had saved, were stored. We definitely had enough to keep Iz busy and entertained.

I figured out very quickly why Lucy was so exhausted, Bas and I both did. Keeping up with a kid wasn’t easy and Izzy had definitely inherited her daddy’s stubbornness and inclination for mischief. I understood what Lucy meant when she said she spent all day chasing the girl around. She was always on the go and the kid was fast.

“You’re going to be a great mom Jazz.” Bas plopped down on the couch and rested his head in my lap. After lunch we’d finally gotten Izzy down for a nap in her play tent and we were enjoying the peace and quiet. It had been a fun morning; even so I hoped she took a long nap.

“You’re not doing too bad yourself.” I took the opportunity to bring up his relationship again. He was still avoiding it. “You know, to have a child of your very own, you’re going to have to make things right with Lissa. You sort of need her for that.”

“Hmph,” he grunted. “I thought you agreed to drop this.”

“Don’t you ‘hmph’ at me. I didn’t agree to drop anything; you hit me with a pillow. You know I’m right. Eventually you’re going to have to swallow that pride and at least talk to her.”

“No I don’t. If she wants to work this out, then she’s going to have to make the effort and she needs to apologize to you.”

“I don’t want or need her apology. As wrong and out of line as she was, I can see where she’s coming from. She feels threatened and you have to admit that it did look bad that she found us in bed.”

“But nothing happened. No matter how bad it looked she should have listened to me and trusted me. I’ve told her a million times, Chris has told her, hell even my dad has explained to her before, that the you and I are just friends.”

“You’re right, but you’ve been moping around here for six days. You obviously miss her.”

“Yeah, it fucking sucks.” I could see the pain in his eyes that he had been burying all week. If he wasn’t willing to do something about it, I was going to have to, otherwise he would stay miserable and I’d never get him off of my couch.

“So, you never did tell me how you worked up the nerve to ask her out in the first place.”

He hesitated a minute before going into the story. “Not long after you left, Chris started seeing this chick who worked at a coffee shop. I was with him one time when he wanted to drop by on her lunch break. Of course he ditched me to go make out with her in the back office. Lissa was working there as well. We talked for a minute while I waited for Chris and I found out that she’d broken up with that tool Justin right after graduation. When Chris came back and we were ready to leave I said goodbye and started to walk out. At the last minute I turned around and asked her to have dinner with me that night. She said yes, and after that I went back almost every day until I convinced her to say yes to being my girlfriend as well.” When he talked about her his whole expression was lighter and softer than I had seen it all week, and I was even more determined to help make things right. Bas deserved to be happy and she was the one who made him that way.

After Izzy’s nap we took her to the park just down the road from my house. She made us go down the slide with her at least fifty times and she giggled so hard when Bas pushed her in the kiddie swing. She would let out the cutest little squeal when he would pull her all the way back and then run underneath, releasing her way up high. “Again, do again,” she would cry out. When Bas’ arms were finally worn out, she looked at me. “You go now Auntie Jaxy.”

When it was time to leave she tried to run away from us, but it was really more of a quick waddle. Bas pretended to chase her around the playground and her laughter sounded the entire time. When he snatched her up, we had to promise to bring her back the next day to keep her agreeable. Bribing her with setting up the pool and sprinkler also might have had something to do it. She splashed and ran and giggled until the sun was going down and we had to drag her in the house for dinner.

When it was bedtime, she was so excited to find out she would be staying the night in my old room that we didn’t have any trouble getting her into bed. She couldn’t wait to climb up and sleep in the princess bed. When she was all snuggled in the blankets, I grabbed a book off the shelf and sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. It was my favorite fairytale of all time, and I began, “Once upon a time, in a very far-off country, there lived a merchant . . .” By the time I finished the classic tale of Beauty and the Beast she was sound asleep. I remembered begging my mom to read that one to me at least once a week until we both knew it almost by heart.

Looking down at the peaceful little angel in my bed and thinking about all the times my mom probably sat here and watched me after I had fallen asleep, caused a swell of emotion to rise up in me. I brushed Izzy’s hair back and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“Sweet dreams little princess,” I whispered. Bas was leaning against the doorframe, watching me, when I got up to turn out the light.

“I remember having to listen to that story at least a million times. Every time I stayed the night I would ask your mom for stories with knights or dragons and sword fights, but all you wanted to hear about were the princesses.”

I chuckled, thinking about all the nights that we argued over which story we wanted to hear. “Do you remember her story, Jaxyn the Beautiful and Sebastian the Brave?” I asked as we moved back downstairs. It was his turn to chuckle softly. We sat on the couch and recalled the tale my mom had made up about the first day Bas and I became friends, of course instead of a pink bike with a flat tire, there was a noble steed with an injured foot and, just to make Bas happy, my mom had included a fierce dragon that Sir Sebastian had to fight in order to rescue Princess Jaxyn. Bas had been so proud of his fairytale self that when Halloween came around, he insisted that he dress up as a knight and I had to be the fair maiden for him to rescue.

After that, every year he planned our costumes right up until our senior year when we both dressed as hobbits. Wasn’t the most flattering costume on me, but we had a good time. The year before I had been able to convince him to go as Dean Winchester and I dressed up as a lady in white spirit. He would never actually admit that he was just as addicted to that show as I was.

“You know we would make awesome parents together,” he said out of nowhere.

What?

“Where did that come from Bas?”

“I was just thinking how easy it is with us. You joked that Lissa was the only one who would put up with my shit, but you’ve always put up with me. We get along perfectly and we’d never grow apart. We’d have a happy life together.”

I was speechless for a minute. I knew Bas was only saying these things because he was still missing Lissa so much. He didn’t really want to be with me, I just needed to remind him of that.

“Maybe you’re right. We might be happy together. Spending the rest of my life with my best friend doesn’t sound terrible at all. We could have a perfectly comfortable life together, but you and I both know that’s not what either one of us really wants. I want more than that, besides we’d have to have sex to have kids.”

He got a horrified look on his face. “Maybe we could just adopt or you could get artificially inseminated with my sperm or whatever.”

“Eww! Okay, stop. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about your sperm again.”

“You’re the one who brought up the two of us having sex, that’s so much worse. I’m going to have nightmares with that image in my head now.”

“That’s exactly the point I was trying to make. We shouldn’t be together, let alone marry each other, when we repulse each other sexually.”

“Hey now, repulse is a strong word. I think I’m offended.” His brow furrowed. “I’m an incredibly attractive specimen and you would be lucky to be married to such a stud.”

“Yes you are, and yes I would, but come on, we’re not meant for each other. Remember, we tried this once in eighth grade, it didn’t work out so well.”

“Hey, we said we would never talk about it again,” he reminded me.

“Well, you’re the one who started talking crazy about the two of us getting married and raising a family together. I’m just trying to make a point. Neither one of us should have to settle for safe and comfortable. I don’t know about you, but I want that mad, passionate, honest to God real love. When he touches me, I want it to ignite a fire in every part of me and I want to be kissed like there’s no one else in the whole word. I want to know that when he’s with me, that it’s only me he wants. I want to argue and fight with someone, knowing that we’ll work through it together, and I want to experience crazy, intense make up sessions after every fight. It should be terrifying, challenging and extraordinary; the feel it in the depths of your soul kind of love.

“The kind that even after fifty years, you look at that person, with all of their flaws and imperfections and still think they’re the most beautiful, wonderful person in the whole world and you know without a doubt that God put them on the earth just for you. You look back on all the years, some filled with struggles and overcoming obstacles and some with the happiest, most fulfilling moments of your entire life and you’re so thankful that you took the risk, that you gave your whole heart to someone, even though they could’ve crushed it.” I looked him in the eye before I said, “That’s not you and me Bas.”

He was quiet for a moment but then sighed, “You really have to stop reading those romance novels.”

“Never.”

“You’re right though. I hate it when you’re right.”

“You’ll thank me in fifty years when it’s not my beautiful face you’re waking up next to,” I assured him.

“As long as you’re still there in fifty years, I’ll be good, no matter who we end up with. Even though you don’t want to birth my children, you and me are still forever,” he said playfully, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and tugging me into his chest. He squeezed me tightly and ran his hand over my head, messing up my hair.

“Wouldn’t want it any other way. You’re stuck with me for life.” I threw my weight onto him and pushed him over until I was laid out over him squishing him into the cushions and trying to get him into a wrestling maneuver he had showed me a long time ago.

“Good,” he said right before flipping me over and reversing our positions so that I was the one pinned down. A devious smile lifted his face and I knew what was coming. “Our children would have been fucking beautiful,” he exclaimed right before initiating a tickle war that was very one sided considering he had about fifty pounds on me and wasn’t even ticklish. I squirmed and tried to hit him, but he held my arms down while my face turned beet red and my eyes watered. I was out of breath and my ribs ached from laughing too hard when he finally ceased his attack.

“Jerk.”

“Wimp.”

“Douche face.”

“Did you seriously just call me a douche face?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I grinned and he just shook his head, then we curled up on the sofa and proceeded to watch three hours of Buffy reruns before I went upstairs to bed.

Chapter 12

The next morning I was wiping oatmeal off Izzy‘s face and hands when Bas’ phone rang.  “Hey Mom,” he answered and I could tell he wasn’t especially thrilled about talking to his mom. He’d never been as close to her as he was his dad. She wasn’t a bad mom, but she was generally more concerned with the goings on at her country club and her social calendar than the lives of her sons. She thought their affection could be bought with gifts, but never had a lot of time for them. Now that they were adults, their lives stayed pretty separate unless she needed them to make an appearance at an event. Bas’ stepdad was the CEO for some giant conglomerate and close friends with the governor, so they were heavily involved in politics. Often Bas had to be the dutiful son and attend some function or other, even though he hated going.

When my mom and I first moved in next door, Bas and Chris would stay at their mom’s any time their dad had to work, but after we became close and our parents got to know one another, their dad allowed them to stay with us. They both said it was more fun at our house because their mom and step dad didn’t make much time for them, and they didn’t get along very well with their stepsister or half-brother.

When my mom passed away, Bas and his dad wanted to take me in, but as a single parent who regularly had to work over night, he wasn’t allowed take me on his own and Bas’ mom didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s kid. Bas’ relationship with his mom became even more strained after that. I didn’t blame her, but he did.

I could tell from the side of the conversation I could hear, that Maureen was requesting Bas’ presence at a luncheon today. Bas tried to talk his way out of attending, but she was persistent and eventually he caved under her relentless harping.

“Mommy dearest need you to show your handsome face at lunch for the governor?” I asked after he’d hung up.

“Close, senator Kellen. She insists that she told me about it weeks ago, but I know for a fact that she didn’t. I hate when she springs this crap on me last minute; I don’t have enough time to think of a good excuse to get out of it.”

“That’s probably why she does it.”

“You’re probably right.”

“I’m guessing Vi will be there as well?” I asked, knowing her parents ran in the same social circles, but they were actually awesome parents.

“Yeah, I would imagine her parents are making her attend. My Dad is still at his conference so I’ll call Chris and see if any of the guys are around today. I’m sure one of them wouldn’t mind hanging out with you girls.”

Under other circumstances I would have argued that I could manage a couple hours on my own, but I wasn’t willing to take any chances with Izzy. Even though things had been quiet on the Connor front, it didn’t mean it would stay that way.

I took Izzy into the bathroom to get her dressed for the day while Bas made the call. He came in a few minutes later to say that Chris had talked to the guys and they agreed that one of them would be here before Bas had to leave.

“Did he say who it was going to be?” I couldn’t decide whether I was hoping it would or wouldn’t be Kyden.

“No, he said they still had to figure it out, but one of them would be here.” As usual Bas saw right through me and rolled his eyes. “I doubt it will be Kyden.” I didn’t ask why and he didn’t elaborate, but I should have felt relieved. So why didn’t I? Bas watched me intently and I tried to hide my thoughts. I was unsuccessful.

“You want it to be Kyden? Are you falling for him?”

“No,” I said adamantly, but it was Bas and if I could talk to anyone, it should be my best friend. “Crap, I don’t know. I’m not falling for him, not really. Most of the time I don’t even like him, but then there’s times when he’s not so bad and I think, maybe . . . maybe there’s more to him.”

“I know I’ve said this already, but please be careful. He’s got issues and I don’t know if he’ll ever get past them enough to be the kind of guy that could ever be in a relationship. It would be great if you two could actually get along since we’re all friends, but I think anything more than that would be a bad idea and you should let it go.”

I had been trying to, really I had. It wasn’t like I wanted to feel anything for him and yet, three hours later, when I opened the door to find Chris and Kyden standing on my front porch, the rush of excitement I felt couldn’t be denied.

“You’re staying here with her?” Bas asked surprised when we walked into living room where he was building a giant tower for Izzy to knock over. Kyden just nodded, and Bas got a confused look. “You’re not going to the luncheon?”

“No,” was the only answer he gave.

I didn’t understand why Bas had asked him if he would be going with them. Bas’ parents didn’t usually like them to bring friends and I doubted they would consider the lead singer of Chris’ band appropriate company for their sons to be keeping.

“Bas, we better take off or we’ll be late and Mom will have a conniption,” Chris told his brother. Bas picked himself up off the floor, smoothing the creases in his dress pants and followed Chris out of the house.

After they left, Kyden lowered himself to the floor and leaned back against the couch. Iz immediately forgot about the blocks she had been playing with and launched herself at him. Apparently there was no age limit on his appeal to the female population.

“So why did Bas ask you if you were going to the luncheon? I wouldn’t think that would be your kind of thing.” He continued to play with Izzy instead of acknowledging my question and for a minute I thought he was just going to ignore me, but he finally looked up and met my gaze.

“Because it’s a fundraiser for senator Kellen’s campaign and my father is Stefan McCabe.”

I’m sure that the shock I experienced was apparent on my face. I had gathered that he came from money, but a Senator’s son? Even with the last name, I wouldn’t have put that together. Crap, I was even more out of my league than I thought. What would he think if I told him my father’s name?

It was one thing for Bas and Vi to be friends with me even though they had parents among Boston’s elite, but there was no way the son of senator would want anything to do with me, knowing who I really was and what I came from. If I just came clean it would probably put a stop to the flirting and solve my problems there, but the more I considered it, the less I wanted that.

“I can see your brain churning. Don’t make a big deal out of it. Now you know who my parents are, but it doesn’t change anything.”

If only that were true. “Won’t they be upset that you aren’t there?”

“They learned a long time ago that they can’t control me. I was only going to hang out with Sebastian and Chris, but I’d much rather be here. I’ll take a beautiful girl over stuffy, superficial politicians any day.” My cheeks turned pink before he smirked and lifted Izzy up in the air above his head. “And this is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.” Of course he meant Izzy, I never thought he meant-

“And you’re not too bad either.” He winked at me while Izzy started laughing and squirming in his arms.

“Park park! We go park now with Ky Ky,” Izzy squealed excitedly.

“Not yet, sweetie. We have to have lunch first and then nap time, but we’ll go to the park later. I promise.” I stole her out of his hands and ran toward the kitchen making racecar noises as we sped through the house. She giggled and joined in with her own cute little car noises. “Bwoom bwoom.”

After our gourmet meal of macaroni and cheese and bananas with peanut butter, a personal favorite of mine, it was time for Izzy’s nap. The little play tent was set up with blankets so she could nap in there. She started to throw a little bit of a fit, but when Kyden offered to sing for her she climbed in pulling him in after her by his fingers. He didn’t fit all the way and his legs hung out the door.

“Auntie Jaxy come.”

“I don’t think I’ll fit Iz. It looks a little crowded in there.”

“Auntie!” she pleaded and I couldn’t resist. I got down on my hand and knees and poked my head in the entrance. Kyden shifted to one side as much as he could and then grabbed my arm and tugged me inside. I landed in a heap on Izzy’s other side. It was a tight fit and she was sandwiched between the two of us. Our legs were overlapping outside the tent.

“Sing me, sing me Ky Ky.”

I wondered what he had in his repertoire that would be appropriate for a child. I was in awe when his low voice came in soft and sweet singing the first verse of “A Whole New World.” Izzy and I were both ensnared by the enchanting sound and magical lyrics. God had truly gifted him with the ability to touch people with his voice. Hearing that song, which was written to melt the hearts of every girl in the world, coming from those lips, dissolved the last of my resistance. I could no longer deny that I liked him, actually liked him in the way that a girl likes a boy.

That realization was followed by the sinking feeling that there was only one way it could end for me, and that was painfully. No matter how sweet he could be, he was a heartbreaker down to the core and my heart was in line to be the next casualty.

With every perfect note he sang, my heart fell further. I tried to ignore the feeling and ran my hand through Izzy’s hair, gently caressing her head as sleepiness overtook her and her eyes drifted shut. So soft, that it was almost a whisper, he hummed out the final words. Izzy was fast asleep.

“So, you watch a lot of Disney movies, or did you just learn that one so you could seduce girls?” I whispered. The only answer he gave was his signature smirk. “Thought so,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“I will admit I never thought I’d be using it for this.”

As carefully and quietly as we could, we both tried to extricate ourselves from the tiny structure without disturbing Izzy. Trying to wiggle out backwards, we ended up a tangled mess of limbs. When I was almost clear of the tent, I tried to lift myself into a crouch so I could crawl the rest of the way out, but Kyden had the same idea and I ended up tripping over the lip of the tent and taking us both down.

I found myself in a situation that was awkwardly familiar, only this time I was on top with Kyden pinned beneath my weight. My chest was flattened on top of his and my eyes stared directly at his lips; mere inches away. His hands were resting gently against my side, on the strip of exposed skin just above my hips. I became aware of a heat radiating from his touch, spreading it’s warmth through my body.

“You have to stop trying to jump me Princess. You need to at least buy me dinner before I let you have your way with me.”

My eyes widened and once again my cheeks returned to the bright pink color that was becoming their natural state in his presence. I muttered an apology and quickly tried to lift myself off of him. Instead of letting me go, he tightened his grip on my waist and rolled us so that I was on my back and he was on his side, leaning over me with one arm lying across my stomach, his fingers still heating my flesh.

“Fine, if you insist. I’ll buy dinner and then have my way with you,” he said in a breathy voice that sent shivers down my spine. I closed my eyes for a moment to collect my scattered thoughts and steel myself against the havoc he was wreaking on my nerves. When I reopened them Kyden was staring down at me with a devilish grin. I grabbed his arm and removed it from my hip. I would be able to think more clearly without his hand on me.

“I don’t think so,” I told him, and despite the ever growing attraction, I meant it.

“Come on, just give me one night.” his voice was low and seductive. He brought his hand back to my body, skimming his fingers gently across my stomach, just above the waistband of my jeans. “I would make it so good for you, I promise.”

I didn’t doubt that, but I refused to lower myself to being a one night stand. I wouldn’t allow him to cheapen me like that. I shoved him away and got to my feet. “I’m not interested,” I hissed.

“You might want to tell your body that, because the way it’s responding screams more than interested, Princess,” he spit out as his mouth twisted into a sardonic smile.

“This isn’t about a physical reaction, you jerk. We both know the effect you have on women, but just because I’m not deaf or blind doesn’t mean I’m some whore, tripping over myself to be used by you.” My heart pounded in my chest and my face turned an even darker shade of red, but this time it wasn’t due to my embarrassment or desire. It was my anger and humiliation. To him I was no better than the easy groupies he was used to.

His face softened. “I would never treat you like a whore, or make you feel used. I know you’re not like the sluts who hang around the bar. You think I have to pursue them and offer to take them on dates before they spread their legs and let me take ‘em six ways from Sunday?”

I cringed at his crude depiction. How could he go from singing Disney songs to degrading women all in the span of five minutes? It didn’t matter if was right about those girls, I could never be with someone who devalued sex like that.

“I don’t,” he continued. “It would be a fucking waste of time, not worth the effort. But you,” his stepped forward, invading my space again, and skimmed his finger along my collarbone, tracing his way from one shoulder to the other. I shivered from the sensation and goose bumps raised all over my body. “I would worship your body all night long and make you feel like a goddess.”

A part of me wanted nothing more than to let him do exactly that. I knew he would keep his word and it would be amazing, but then morning would come and I would hate myself for it. If I wanted to be able to stomach looking myself in the mirror, then I couldn’t compromise my beliefs, or standards, for one sweet talking playboy, no matter how tempting it was to let my heart be swayed by the feelings he awakened. I turned away from him to put some space between us and to move our conversation away from my sleeping niece. He followed me into the space that separated the living room from the kitchen. I took a deep breath before facing him again.

“That’s just it, all it would be is one night. You can dress it up any way you want, but in the morning it’s still a one night stand.” I wasn’t angry with him anymore. I realized he truly thought he was making an effort for me, that he was offering me something special. Somewhere along the way, his idea of love and relationships had been seriously warped, add to that the fact that girls threw themselves at him and it really wasn’t a surprise that he was the way he was. It was sad really, but it wasn’t my job to try and fix him. I wasn’t going there.

“You’re right about one thing; I’m nothing like those girls and I’m not ashamed of that. I want more than one night. I’m not looking for physical gratification that would be shallow and meaningless. I can’t do anything about the fact that I’m attracted to you, but it’s not enough Ky. I need the hand holding, just want to hear your voice, missed you all day, flowers for no reason, ring on the finger kind of everything before I’ll sleep with someone, and that would include spooning too.”

His brow wrinkled and he just nodded, but couldn’t meet my eyes. He understood the question in my tone and we both knew the answer, but it was something we both needed to hear.

“I can’t give you that,” he said. “I don’t do relationships, I’m not that guy. I’ll never be that guy.” I had to be imagining it, but his voice almost sounded regretful. He snorted, “I wouldn’t even know how if I wanted to.”

“I know. That’s why I think it would be better if we didn’t blur any boundaries. We need to figure out how to be friends and that’s it.”

“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever been on the receiving end of a blow off speech before.”

I rolled my eyes, his dumbfounded expression was amusing. “It wasn’t a blow off, but we’ve established that it would never work between us and considering you’re friends and roommates with someone who is family to me, we’re gonna be stuck with each other. We shouldn’t cross any lines that are going to make things awkward in the group, which means you have to back off.”

“Friends huh?”

“You do know how to be just friends with a female, without trying to get in to her pants right?”

He made a face of mock outrage. “Of course, but just so we’re clear, this means you have to stop checking me out all the time, Princess.” All trace of regret or anything deeper was gone and his typical sarcasm and wit were back.

“You’ve really got to get over yourself,” I told him.

“I make no promises.” He winked before disappearing back into the living room.

Friends, yeah sure, no problem. I can do that.

I followed behind him and watched him plop down on the couch and prop his feet up on my coffee table. He patted the seat next him, but I opted for the recliner on the other side of the room.

“Oh come on, I’m not going to bite you, we’re friends.” He was going to be so obnoxious about this.

“Since we’re friends now, in the spirit of getting to know one another, tell me how a senator’s son ends up playing rock star in dive bars?”

“The same way anyone else does.” His tone was brusque.

“I’m sorry if I offended you, but you have to admit it’s a little . . . abnormal.”

“Yeah, well I never really fit the image my parents wanted for me. At birth my whole life was planned out for me, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I’m twenty five and they’re still hoping that the band is just a phase I’m going through and that eventually I’ll come around and go to law school, marry some spoiled bitch and give them two point five grandkids.”

“Your parents have met you right?” The idea of him putting on a suit and tie every day and sitting in an office was ridiculous. He was born to make music, and his talent shouldn’t be stifled by anyone’s expectations.

“Yeah, but they only see what they want.”

“So you aren’t very close with them?”

“I’ve met Chris’ mom and step dad and let’s just say that my mother and father make them look like doting parents. Honestly, I think the only reason they had a kid was to create a better image for my dad’s career aspirations.”

“So, no siblings?”

“Nope, one was enough for my parents I guess. What about you? It’s your turn to spill your life story.”

“That was hardly your life story, but you already know my mom died and I lived with my dad.”

“What I don’t know is why your brother Shane being here sent Sebastian and Chris into a panic, or why everyone dances around the subject of your dad, heck your family in general, like it’s some big secret, or what that asshole from the bar has to do with your dad, or why the rest of us had to hear about you for over a year before we ever met you and all anyone will say about it is that you were away. So how about you pick one of those and start there.”

This time I wasn’t getting away without at least giving him something. I could see in his eyes that he was done letting me avoid his questions. “I’ve never had a good relationship with my family,” I started, “apart from my mom. I didn’t know any of the rest of them until after she died. My mom’s only brother died in a car crash when he was sixteen, so I never met him. She never talked about her parents, only said that they had passed away when I was a baby. She wasn’t close with them. It was just me and mom, at least until she died.”

“Is Shane your only brother?”

“I have another brother, Ryan, and a sister Cathryn. They’re younger than me, but not by much. We all share a father, not the he’s much of one. My siblings and I never got along. Until a few months ago that included Shane, but he’s changed a lot.” I could see him deciding whether or not to press me for more.

“And the rest? I know there’s more you’re not telling me.”

“There are some things I don’t want to share. My dad isn’t a good man and I don’t like to talk about him. Connor’s dad works with mine so he grew up with Shane; they used to be best friends. I couldn’t stand him the first time I met him. He’s not good with rejection. After high school, I just needed a change so I moved away. This is the first time I’ve been back since, but when I found out about Isabelle I wanted to come back, and it was time. That’s it.”

“I seriously doubt that’s it, Princess.”

“I’m not the only one holding back. You didn’t exactly open up to me either.” I pointed out and that was enough to quiet him, at least temporarily.

Once Izzy woke from her nap, she served as a nice buffer between the two of us. She saved me from any further questions about my past. She made sure that his attention stayed on her. Of course he couldn’t resist her little cherub dimples or the adorable way she would say “Ky Ky” every time she wanted something from him. She kept him wrapped around her finger right up until it was time to take her home.

“I come back Auntie Jaxy?” Isabelle asked as I buckled her into her car seat. Even though it would be nice to reclaim my house from the building blocks, stuffed animals and baby dolls that were scattered from one end to the other, I was actually sad to be loading her into the car and taking her back to her parents.

“Yeah baby girl, you can come back any time and stay the night with me.” I said making sure all the straps on her car seat were tightened.

“Am I invited to the next sleep over?” Kyden snuck up behind me and poked his head over my shoulder.

“Yes, yes!” She clapped her little hands together and he pressed his body into mine so that he could lean over me and give her a peck on the cheek. She grinned big. I didn’t know which one of them was more smitten with the other. Once I was confident that her seat was secure, I shut the door and then turned around and smacked right into Kyden because he was still standing too close.

“Woah there, I said you had to cut that out Princess.” He put his hands on my shoulders to steady me. “I’ll follow you to your brother’s and then you can follow me to the bar.”

“Really I can just meet you all at the bar. I don’t need an escort the whole way.”

“Wrong Princess. Don’t argue, just get your cute ass in the car and drive.” He poked my nose with his finger like I was a child and spun around. I shot him a glare that he didn’t see because he was strapping on his helmet. I watched as he straddled the death machine parked behind my car.

“Hey,” I shouted at him. “Friends don’t say things about friends’ butts.”

He just shook his head and I could see his chest vibrating with laughter. “I’ll make a note of it.” The sound of the engine coming to life prevented me from being able to say anything else.

“Auntie Jaxy, you and Ky Ky get baby?” I had to make her repeat herself three times before I understood what she was asking.

“Oh no sweetie. Ky Ky and I aren’t going to have a baby. We’re not married like your mommy and daddy. Ky is just my friend.”

“Auntie Jaxy love Ky Ky. Mommy say babies is love.” She wasn’t even three yet. She was too young to even understand what she was talking about. She was used to a home with a mother and father so of course she would think the dynamic between Kyden and I was the same.

“You’re right sweet girl, babies do come from love, but Kyden is my friend. We won’t have babies.” Izzy’s face scrunched up in the cutest little frown. She was so sweet and innocent. Everything was so simple in the eyes of a toddler.

I looked forward to the day that I would give her little cousins to play with. I was only twenty one and had never felt the urge to rush into having a family. I was in no way prepared to be responsible for anyone else’s life when I was still trying to figure out how to be responsible for my own, but after spending time with my niece and being reminded of what a family should look like, my heart ached for the day when I would be ready to start my own.

I thought about what it would be like to have a little girl or boy of my own, maybe one of each. I pictured raising them in the house I grew up in, sharing the memories my mother and I made and making new ones. I imagined them playing in the yard and running through the house. I saw two little kids with brown curls and big smiles and bright green eyes that were startlingly familiar.

Woah. Green eyes?

It was the conversation with Izzy; it had messed with me. I shook my head as if I could just clear the image like an etch-a-sketch and I turned up the radio and tried to convince myself that I hadn’t just imagined myself being the mother of Kyden’s children.

Chapter 13

“When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide”

Kyden’s piercing eyes found mine in the crowd for what felt like the hundredth time tonight. He wasn’t unleashing his typical level of sexual heat, but fire still burned in his eyes and I was completely captivated. It didn’t matter whether he was serenading with sensual lyrics or belting out a rock anthem, he sang everything with such conviction and an intensity that made it impossible not to feel his passion. When he sang I could really see him and I almost forgot why I couldn’t get involved with him, almost.

I was reminded of why when the set was over and I witnessed him making out with three different girls who had all lined up to get autographs and obviously a little something extra.

“Don’t watch babe.” I hadn’t noticed Ace approach, but that wasn’t surprising considering I didn’t seem to be able to look away from Kyden and girl number four.

“Am I that obvious?” I asked

“Only slightly, but like I said, just don’t watch.”

I groaned, embarrassed at how pathetic I was. “I can’t help it. It’s like a car wreck on the side of the road and I can’t tear my eyes away.”

“Well let me distract you. Ask me anything?”

There was something I had been curious about since first meeting him. “Okay, how did you get the nickname Ace, and why is Damien’s Spade? Are you guys like in some poker club?”

“Poker club? No,” he chuckled lightly. “We did get our nicknames in the same place though. We were a Marine sniper unit. He was a sniper and I was his spotter.”

“What does that have to do with playing cards?”

“It doesn’t, but we were uh. . . . very good at what we did and picked up a reputation. A spade is a symbol for death in some cultures, and Ace is just a reference to skill and accuracy. They stuck even after we were discharged.”

“Oh.” Yeah, that was my profound response. It was hard to see the two of them, who both seemed so care free and almost reckless, as being hardened soldiers. I couldn’t even imagine the things they must have experienced, that they had done. I was willing to bet that Spade’s flippant demeanor was a front. The more time I spent with the guys, the more I realized they all had their own scars. They might not be physical like mine, but there was so much more to them than I had initially seen.

I was lost in thought taken completely off guard when Ace leaned forward and pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth briefly.

“Wh- what was that for?” I stammered trying to figure out what had happened, if I had somehow led him on, or made him think I wanted him to kiss me. Maybe talking about his past left him vulnerable and he was reaching out . . .

“Relax, I was helping you. Ky was looking over here.” I started to turn my head in his direction but Ace stopped me by cupping my cheek in his hand.

“Don’t look. Act like you don’t even know he’s there babe.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s not like he cares anyway.”

Ace’s eyes flitted in Kyden’s direction and he laughed. “Oh, I’d say he cares alright darling. He looks like he wants to come over here and rip my head off.”

I had to fight the urge to look. I didn’t know why I was listening to Ace and resorting to playing games, but I couldn’t help myself. Despite my insistence that we remain just friends, I seemed to lose all sense of reason around that boy. I think what bothered me the most was that it was so easy for him to flirt with me one minute and then turn around and make out with other girls the next.

“H-heey bessssstie. Ya kissin on Ace now, I thoughtcha wass hot fer Ky?” Bas slung his arm around my shoulder and I could tell by the way he was slurring his words and the strong smell of liquor wafting off him that he had consumed a fair amount of alcohol. Drinking wasn’t uncommon for him when we went out, but it wasn’t like him to get drunk. I’d have to keep an eye on him. I was still working on a way to repair things between him and Lissa.

“I’m not hot for anyone. You’re drunk Bas. You don’t know anything.”

“Yesh I am, but ya can’t fool me Jazzy. I know better.” Ace just laughed and walked away, leaving me with drunken Bas. He reached to pull out a stool at the empty table next to us and tugged me down into the seat, right on his lap. I had to steady both of us to keep from crashing to the ground.

“S’okay Jazz, I know ya like im, ’m not mad. Ya can’t help howya feel. Jus be careful, he’ll hurtcha Jazz, don’t letim urtcha.” His head lolled forward and rested against the back of my shoulder. I knew it wouldn’t be long before he was falling asleep. I looked around to see if I could spot Chris to help me get him out of there before he passed out. Thankfully I spotted Chris at the bar.

“Come on Bas, time to get up.” I yanked on his arm to pull him off the stool. He groaned and reluctantly stood up. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder again and I had to support a lot of his weight as we walked over to where Chris was standing.

“Hey, I think your brother is done for the night. You should probably get him out of here while he can still stay upright.” Chris eyed his brother. “Well, partially upright anyway.”

“Okay, I was just closing out my tab and then I’ll take him back to my place. He won’t be of any use to you tonight. Ask one of the guys to go home with you, but do it before they make other plans if you know what I mean.” Unfortunately I did know what he meant and I doubted any of them would be thrilled about having to pass on getting laid just to keep me company.

“Set him down there and I’ll keep an eye on him while you go figure out who’s going to stay with you.”

Stupid Bas for getting drunk, and stupid Vi for wanting to spend the night in with Jake. Realistically I knew it wasn’t their fault, they both deserved to have a night where they didn’t have to worry about me, but I really wasn’t looking forward to asking one of the other guys for help.

I hoped Ace would be willing. I was beginning to really enjoy his company and I was the most comfortable around him, but before I could find him to ask, I came across Kyden and harpy Barbie. I hadn’t seen her all night. I tried, unsuccessfully, to change directions and skirt past them without being noticed.

“If you’re looking for Ace Princess, you won’t find him.” Kyden’s words were sharp and held a bitterness that was surprising. It secretly pleased me because there could only be one reason that he acting this way.

“Why not?” I asked.

“He and Danny just split.”

“Damn it,” I muttered under my breath.

“Babe, come on, let’s get out of here.” Kaylie practically purred in his ear while pressing her breasts up against him and I had to fight back the urge to gag.

“Just a sec.” He shrugged her off and then turned back to me.

“What you need Ace for Princess, you planning on throwing yourself at him next?”

Jerk.

“No,” I snapped. “I just . . .” I didn’t really want to tell him that I needed someone to stay with me. I didn’t know whether I was more afraid that he would or wouldn’t offer.

“Just what Princess?”

I sighed in frustration, but knew that if Danny and Ace were both gone, I didn’t have a choice.

“Bas is really drunk, too drunk to go back to my place.”

“You need someone to stay with you?”

“Yeah, but don’t worry about it, I’ll find someone else to-”

“No you won’t. I’ll stay.”

“What the hell?” Kaylie whined and grabbed his arm. “You said we were gonna-”

“Yeah, well now we’re not,” he cut her off and pulled out of her grasp, leaving her fuming.

Of course instead of being mad at him she turned her anger on me.

“Why don’t you grow the fuck up and get your own man. It’s pathetic that you have to play the poor, helpless little girl to get a guy to go home with you,” she sneered.

“Kaylie shut up. You can spread your legs for someone else tonight; it won’t be anything new for you.”

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped open. I kind of expected her to hit him. I would have. “Why? You think that little girl will be better? You know she’s not as good as me.”

Was I supposed to be insulted that I wasn’t as slutty as her?

“Doesn’t fucking matter. I’m not screwing her. Unlike you, she doesn’t have to get me off for me to want to spend time with her.”

“Fuck you, asshole,” she shrieked.

“I already said not tonight,” he jeered and for the second time I thought she was going to slap him. He deserved it, but she just turned and stormed off.

“Did you have to be so harsh?” I asked.

“Why do you care? She’s a bitch.”

“I know, but still, you two are . . . well whatever you are, and no girl deserves to be treated like that, no matter how wretched I think she is.”

“There really is no winning with you, is there?”

“Are you trying to say you did that for me?”

“Well I wasn’t going to let her take her anger out on you. I was trying to be a nice guy and all that shit, but obviously I shouldn’t have bothered.”

How could someone so dense, have so many girls begging for a piece of him? “It’s not that I don’t appreciate your intentions, but I can stick up for myself. I really don’t care what she says. All you did was made her hate me more. Next time you should probably just work on not being such a jerk to women.”

He rolled his eyes at me and let out a groan. “You’re going to be that obnoxiously pushy friend, who tries to make me a better person, aren’t you.”

“We both know I can’t make you do anything, but I do fully intend to help you realize when you’re not living up to your potential. I’ve seen you be kind so I know you’re capable of it, and somewhere inside of you is a partially decent guy. I think.”

Maybe.

“Fuck, this friendship thing isn’t going to be as much fun as I thought. You sure we can’t just have sex and then you can hate me or whatever? That seems simpler.” It probably would be much simpler than trying to be friends with this guy, but apparently I was a masochist and wanted to drag out my torture.

“Do you really want me to hate you?”

He just sighed and grabbed my hand, pulling me along behind him as he moved through the thinning crowd to where Chris and Bas were still waiting at the bar. I couldn’t help the smile that curled up the corners of my mouth. “That’s what I thought.”

“Come on Princess before I change my mind.”

I followed behind him and then ran into his back when he stopped suddenly. I thought for a second that he was changing his mind, but he turned around and faced me with a serious expression.

“No Ace, Princess.”

“What?”

When he spoke again it came out as an order. “Don’t kiss him again.”

“Excuse me?”  I had no desire to kiss Ace again, but I was pissed that Kyden thought he could tell me what to do. “You have no right to tell me who I can and can’t kiss, especially not when you had your tongue down more throats than I could count tonight,” I retorted.

His expression was taut; his dark eyes bore into mine and then he looked away and I saw him release a deep breath through his nose. When he returned his gaze to mine, his expression had fallen. He raked a hand though his hair and I could tell he was struggling with whatever he was about to say.

“I know I have no right, but I’m asking anyway. I can’t watch you with him. If you want us to be friends, I can’t watch you with any of the guys Princess. If that makes me a selfish asshole, fine, I’m a selfish asshole, but I wanted to hurt him tonight and that’s fucked up. I’ve never let a girl come between us and I don’t want to now, but I want you. I understand why I can’t have you, but please don’t fucking ask me to watch one of my best friends have you.”

That was probably the most honest and straightforward he’d ever been with me. I decided to be honest with him too.

“What you saw with Ace was nothing. There’s nothing going on between us so you don’t have to worry about it, but you’re still a dick.”

“I know, and I shouldn’t be so damn relieved to hear you say that, but I am and I’ll try not to do that shit in front of you anymore. That’s the best I can do.”

I felt a little sick to my stomach thinking about him and all those girls again, but at least if I didn’t have to see it, I might be able to pretend like it didn’t bother me so much. I nodded because it was all I could manage and we both continued toward the bar.

“Hey Jazzy look, ya found im.” Bas tossed his arm over my shoulder and leaned in like he was whispering in my ear, only I was pretty sure half the bar could hear him. “Nowya can tellim ya didn’ wanna kiss Ace. Ya wanna kiss im.”

Why couldn’t he have already passed out? When he sobered up I was going to kill him. Kyden of course thought he was incredibly amusing and his typical cocky grin was plastered across his face. Mine, however, was getting redder by the second. The more I blushed, the bigger his grin got. It was hard to believe that thirty seconds ago we’d actually been having a serious conversation.

“Would you take him home already?” I pleaded with Chris.

He just laughed, but pulled Bas off of me and helped him to stay on his feet. “He going home with you Tink?” He nodded at Kyden.

“Yeah, he is,” I sighed

“Where you guys parked at?”

“We’re out front on the street,” I answered.

“Okay, well I’m out back so I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

We said goodnight and then Kyden and I exited the front of the bar and walked down the sidewalk toward where we were both parked. He was walking just slightly ahead of me, enough that his body partially blocked my view of my car as we neared it, so I didn’t notice right away what made him stop dead in his tracks, but when I saw, I stopped too.

All four of my tires were flat, not just a little, but completely flat. Kyden stepped toward my car and bent down to examine the first one. “Fuck,” he cursed under his breath.

“What?”

He didn’t need to answer me, when I got closer, I saw what had set him off. They had been slashed. My hand flew to my mouth and I sucked in a sharp breath. I wanted to cry, but somehow I managed to hold it together. I had become complacent, confident that Connor had backed off, but this was a cruel reminder of just how relentless and cunning he could be. I’m sure it was his plan to let me think I was safe before striking. He would drag this out and play games until he got what he wanted or someone stopped him.

“What do I do?” I had never been in a situation like this and because of my fear, I wasn’t thinking clearly either.

“I’ll take care of it, just get anything valuable out. We’ll leave it here for now and in the morning I’ll have it towed. You can ride with me to your house.”

I nodded, thankful that he was calm and collected enough to take control and tell me what to do. I dug my keys out of my jacket pocket and walked around to the driver’s side so that I could get my purse out from under my seat. When I got around the car and reached for the door, my heart stopped and I froze. Large, jagged letters were scratched deep into the door. It was a message:

See you soon lover.

My hands were shaking and my breathing became shallow. I couldn’t focus on anything except those four words. My knees were ready to give out when I felt strong arms wrap around me. He pulled me back into his chest and started whispering in my ear. “It’s okay Princess. You’re okay. Nobody is going to hurt you. I’ve got you. Just breathe.” I drew in a shaky breath. “That’s it, just concentrate on breathing in and out.” His arms didn’t leave me and I leaned back into him, resting my head against his chest until the sense of terror passed. When I was finally calm enough to stand on my own, he released me and took the keys from my hand to unlock the door.

“Under the seat,” I managed to croak out. He reached in and pulled out my purse, then locked the car back up and led me over to his bike. It was probably a good thing I was still partially in shock or he might never have gotten me onto the back of his bike.

Only when the powerful machine roared and began vibrating beneath me did I fully realize what I was doing. I squeezed my arms tighter around his waist as the bike shot forward. I pressed my cheek into his back and closed my eyes. I inhaled deeply, taking in his scent; clean and masculine with just a light hint of whatever body wash or cologne he used. Whatever it was, was delicious and all sexy man. I didn’t loosen my grip the entire ride to my house as the city became a blur around us.

Chapter 14

“Kyden?” I called out hesitantly. I had already crawled into bed, but I sat back up. He poked his head into my room with a concerned look on his face.

“Yeah Princess?”

“Umm . . .” I was afraid to ask. I didn’t want to look desperate, or give him the wrong idea.

“What is it?” He stepped all the way inside the room clothed only in his boxer briefs. He really wasn’t shy at all and now I was having a hard time stringing words together for an entirely different reason. Finally I managed to get out what I wanted to ask him.

“Will you stay in here with me?” Almost as soon as I heard myself say it out loud, I regretted it. He would think I was weak or looking for pity or possibly even something else. “I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It’s not a big deal. I’ll be fine; I think I’m still just a little freaked out, but really I -”

“Shh, scoot over.”

I did and I was relieved when he slid in next to me. I really didn’t want to be alone. I knew I was going to have trouble sleeping. I turned on my side facing away from him and I was thankful that he didn’t make a move to get any closer to me. I wasn’t looking for comfort like that. It was just that the idea of being by myself, after what happened tonight, was more than I could deal with.

“When you’re ready Princess, you can tell me what he did to you and I’ll listen. I know I’m an asshole, but I do care. More than I should.”

I squeezed my eyes tightly to stop the moisture from leaking out. I knew that he was being sincere, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I didn’t want him to think I was any more broken than he already did. Seeing the pity in his eyes when he looked at me after he knew would be unbearable. He was probably already forming his own ideas and making assumptions, but as long as I didn’t confirm anything, as long as he didn’t know for sure how screwed up I was, I could face him. He didn’t bring it up again and before long I was sound asleep.

“Please no, oh God, please don’t do this,” I cried out, but he didn’t stop. I screamed again, even though I knew there wasn’t anyone around to help me. They had made sure it would just be the two of us here tonight. I kicked and jerked as hard as I could, hoping to throw him off, but he was too strong. He had me trapped beneath him. The tears streamed down my face and my throat was raw from all the crying and screaming, but I couldn’t give up. I felt the sharp pain of gravel digging into my back and bare legs.

His free hand traveled roughly across my skin and bile rose in my throat. I finally managed to break one of my hands free from his grasp where he had them pinned above my head. I swung my hand and caught him across the face. I dug my nails in as hard as I could, hoping the pain would be enough to force him to let go. Instead it only infuriated him more and he brought his fist down hard on my jaw. It took everything I had to stay conscious after his strike. My vision was dark and spotty so I couldn’t see what he was doing, but I felt him shifting on top of me. I felt something cold and sharp like metal on my stomach, and then all I felt was a burning sensation followed by the most intense pain I had ever felt. Another scream tore from my throat.

“Come on Princess, wake up. I’m right here, it’s just a nightmare. Please wake up.”

My eyes popped open and I shot up ready to kick and scream to get Connor off of me before he – I stopped struggling. Connor wasn’t the person gripping my arms and shaking me. It was Kyden and he looked horrified as he stared down at me. I realized I had been dreaming about that night again. I wasn’t really back there. I was safe and the morning light was peeking through the curtains. I breathed a deep sigh of relief and squeezed my eyes shut to cut off the flow of tears streaming down my face.

“You’re okay now,” Kyden said gently sitting down beside me and pulling me into his chest. He rubbed one hand up and down my back in a soft, soothing gesture, and with his other hand he held my head tightly to him, all the while still whispering that I was okay. When I stopped shaking and the tears were finally done falling, Kyden pulled back far enough that I could look up into his face.

“Are you alright?”

I nodded, feeling slightly better.

“Then pack a bag Princess, we’re leaving.”

“What do you mean we’re leaving? Where are we going?” I wiped at my eyes and tried to pull myself together.

“The cape,” he answered.

“Vi’s place?” I asked somewhat confused.

“Yeah, I called Chris and Sebastian this morning and filled them in on everything. They took care of the arrangements. Everyone is driving down today. They should be here in about an hour.”

“How long are we going to be gone?” We had all planned to head to Cape Cod on Wednesday for the 4th of July celebration, but today was only Saturday.

“A while. I don’t know, just pack whatever you might need for a week, we can always make trips back to town for more stuff later if we end up staying longer.”

A week?

I couldn’t just take off and disappear for a week. “I can’t be gone that long. I have a job interview on Friday I have to be back for.” I had enough left over from my Mom’s insurance that I didn’t have to work, and I had saved practically every penny from my job in Portland, but I needed something to do. I wanted to feel like I was accomplishing something, to be productive in some way. I had stopped in several of the local galleries in Boston with Vi and one of them had a position open. Thankfully they were willing to overlook my lack of art degree because of my experience at the gallery in Portland, which was quite well known.

My former boss had taken a chance on me then; when I all I knew of art was what I had learned in my high school classes. She took me under her wing and taught me everything she knew about the art world. Eventually I had been promoted and put in charge of the website and all social media interaction and marketing as well as promoting artists, events and showings. From what I understood, the position I was interviewing for here would be similar. It was work that I really enjoyed and I was not going to let Connor ruin it for me.

“I’ll bring you back for the interview, but you are going. It’s not up for discussion. So unless you want me digging around in your panty drawer, I suggest you start packing.” I quickly climbed out of my bed and ushered him out the room. He wasn’t going anywhere near my under things.

Forty five minutes later I had packed, showered and eaten the French toast Kyden had made for me. I could get used to having him around if he was going to keep cooking me breakfast. I was going to have to start running again though.

“Don’t you guys have a gig tonight, it is Saturday?” I asked Kyden as we stood at the kitchen sink and washed and dried the dishes together again.

“Nah, we cancelled it. The guys wanted a break anyway. We’ve been hitting the bars and clubs hard the last few months.”

“You guys won’t get in trouble for cancelling? Won’t that make them not want to let you play there anymore?”

He just snorted. “We play where we want Princess. We bring in a big enough crowd to make up for cancelling one night. Besides, it was one of the smaller bars here in the city, they can find someone else easy. Next weekend we play in Worcester again before we’re back at The Scott.”

“Do you guys play a lot of shows outside of Boston?”

“We play all over the state and we’ve played a few gigs in New Hampshire, Connecticut and New York City. We’re hoping to tour the whole east coast eventually.” I could see it. They were bigger than just Boston, or even Massachusetts. They belonged on the stages of sold out arenas. “You should come with us next weekend to Worcester,” he suggested.

“Hmm . . . following the band around the state? Wouldn’t that make me a groupie?”

“No, smartass, that would make you a friend. You’re invited. We don’t invite groupies. They just show up. You’d also have to let me sleep with you for you to be groupie,” he teased and quirked an eyebrow at me.

“I’ll think about it.” When he grinned I realized my mistake. “I meant I’d think about going, not the other part.” I smacked him playfully with the dishtowel I had just used to dry the last pan.

“Oh Princess, bad move.” His eyes darkened. I backed away slowly but he stalked after me. I watched him closely, waiting for him to make his move. He pounced so quickly I didn’t have time to run. I twisted around and the towel was yanked from my grasp. A second later I felt the snap of the towel just barely graze my backside. I took off toward the living room with him close on my heels. We circled the couch until he decided just to leap over the top and I ran toward the entry way so I could make the loop back to the kitchen and get something to defend myself.

Right as I skidded onto the hardwood floor of the entryway, the front door opened and Bas stepped into house, closely followed by Chris and I could hear the rest of the gang out on the porch. I tried to stop, but my momentum was too much and I slid smack into his chest and he stumbled backwards, knocking into Chris. Kyden was close on my heels but managed to stop before joining the pile up.

I felt one more sharp snap of the towel on my butt. I yelped and jumped further into Bas’ chest. The guys laughed and I gave them each a dirty look.

“I see you two are getting a long great,” Bas mused.

“When we heard all the squealing and thumping around from outside, I thought we were gonna walk in and find you guys naked wrestling. Glad to see you’re fully dressed Tink. Seeing you in your panties once was enough for this lifetime.”

“Agh,” I groaned, “I was fourteen!” They all laughed again.

“I’m so glad you told us that story.” Spade pushed his way into the house. “You got your bikini packed Rainbow? I’m looking forward to tossing you in the lake in it.” My heart dropped at the thought of putting a bikini on in front of anyone. I could never openly show off my body like that, not without getting looks of horror. “If not, it’s okay you can go in the lake in your little Tinkerbell panties, or in no panties at all. We won’t mind.” He winked and I wanted to bang my head against the wall repeatedly. It wasn’t like I still wore Tinkerbell underwear. They seriously needed to let that go.

“Um I would mind. I would mind very much,” Bas chimed in. “Can we just load her stuff in the car and get out of here?”

“I second that, let’s get this show on the road. I am ready for a week of sun, swimming and getting sloshed! Woo!” Vi was much too chirpy and enthusiastic. It should be illegal to be so obnoxiously cheery before noon. I could tell she had already had at least two cups of coffee but I would bet it was more like three or four.

My duffel and bathroom tote were sitting on the floor beside the door. Chris picked them up, “This it Tink?”

“Yeah, I just have to grab my purse and put the garbage and recycling bins by the curb so they’ll get picked up on Tuesday.”

“Hey Marcus,” Spade called out.

“On it.” His voice came from out on the porch.

“He doesn’t have to move them, I can do it.”

“Nah, Rainbow, that’s what the runt is for.”

I could only imagine how bad of a time they all gave him. He was like the baby brother to five unruly egomaniacs. I did a quick check of the house to make sure all the lights were off and windows locked. Outside, everyone was standing around the porch waiting.

“Thank you Marcus, for moving the bins.” Even though I was sure he was used to being bossed around, I still wanted him to know that I appreciated it. Noticing Vi’s Beemer in the driveway and the black vintage looking car parked behind it, reminded me of last night’s events. “What about my car?” I stopped on the steps.

“All taken care of Rainbow. When Ky called this morning, I had it towed to our shop and they’ll get new tires put on it and take care of the door. I told them to leave it locked up in the garage until you’re ready to pick it up.”

“You’re a mechanic?” I never really thought about what the guys did outside of the band. I knew Chris worked for a construction company and Kyden told me he gave music lessons on the side because he refused to take his parents money, but I had no idea about the rest of them.

“Yeah, Rainbow, I gotta have something to do when I’m not serenading the panties off of chicks, and since my only other skill set is killing people, I figured mechanic would be better than hired assassin.” Even though he was making light of his experience in the military, I noticed, for the first time, something dark and almost tortured in Spade’s eyes.

“How much is it going to cost me?” I wasn’t really worried so much about the price, as I was just upset that I had to deal with it in general. I shouldn’t have to pay anything. I should have four perfectly good tires on my car.

“Nothing babe. It’s taken care of.”

“That’s not necessary, I have the money. I can pay for it.”

“No you can’t. It’s already been paid for.”

“By who?” I asked him suspiciously. I didn’t need him to pay for me. It wasn’t fair for him to have to cover Connor’s damage.

“Come on, let’s just get going,” Kyden interrupted, brushing past me and striding over to his bike.

Spade walked over and climbed into the driver’s seat of the black muscle car that I was sure had to be a late sixties Impala. I didn’t know anything about cars, but I was very familiar with the Winchester brothers, and it looked an awful lot like Dean’s car. Ace climbed into the passenger seat while Vi and Jake got into her car. I noticed Danny and Marcus heading toward the Impala and Bas and Chris were moving to get into Vi’s car. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach.

“What car am I riding in?” I asked, not sure that I was going to like the answer.

“You’re with me Princess.” He was smirking and holding up a spare helmet.

No. No. No.

There was no way I was riding on the back of that bike. Number one, I had no desire to have my body parts smeared across the pavement. Two, if I had to spend an hour and a half plastered to his back, breathing in his intoxicating scent with my arms wrapped around his hard abs, I would probably throw myself off the bike in order to put myself out of my misery.

“Can’t someone else ride on the bike and I can ride in the nice, completely enclosed metal box that has seatbelts?”

He just raised his eyebrows at me like I was crazy. “Princess, there’s no way in hell I’m riding down the freeway with one of those jackasses wrapped around my waist. I don’t ride doubles with dudes, so get on.”

If we crashed and my leather jacket got ruined, I was gonna kill him. I loved that jacket. “You had better go the speed limit this time,” I warned him.

“What do you mean Princess? I was going the speed limit last night.”

“Not in this country,” I retorted, tightening the strap around my chin as he started up the sleek and powerful machine. Just because I didn’t want to ride one, didn’t mean I couldn’t appreciate it. As soon as I was in place, my arms found their way around his torso. The bike started moving and we followed the other vehicles out of the driveway. Once we were out on the street, the bike shot forward and we flew past the others.

“Are you insane or do you just have a death wish?” I yelled.

“I can think of worse ways to go than squeezed between your thighs Princess,” he hollered back, and if I hadn’t been so afraid of crashing, I would have hit him.

Chapter 15

I loved Vi’s family’s home on Prince Cove. Bas and I had come here with them every summer since we became friends with Vi our freshman year. Her parents were the cool, loving parents the rest of us lacked, excluding Bas’ dad. They treated Bas and I like family and they didn’t look down on anyone, not even me, knowing who my father was.

We used to come every Fourth of July and I was glad to be back again. I’d missed that tradition. We would spend hours lying on the dock, soaking up rays and jumping in the ocean to cool off, or swimming in the pool. Vi’s parents would grill out every day and then on the fourth there was a big festival in Falmouth, which was only a twenty minute drive, with live music and an incredible fireworks show at the end of the night. This year, the guys were the headlining act at the festival.

The house, if you could even call it a house, more like mini mansion, was amazing. It was set on four and half acres and looked right out at the cove, with a columned porch and deck that stretched one entire side of the house. Just off the deck, a stone patio cascaded to the in-ground pool and hot tub and the walkway through the gardens that led down to the dock. There were balconies off each one of the five bedrooms and the property surrounding the estate was beautifully landscaped. The inside was just as lavish but still tasteful.

Vi and Jake took the master suite, but all of the rooms were bigger and more extravagant than the master bedroom at my place. The guys started pairing off to claim the remaining four bedrooms. Ace and Spade were together in one, Danny and Marcus took another, so that left Chris and Kyden together and then Bas and I in the last room.

“So Bas and I will take this one and you two can have the room on the third floor.” Chris announced.

Wait a second, that’s not right.

“That works We’ll take the room up there,” Kyden responded.

No, that does not work.

“But . . . I thought you and I would share Bas?” I couldn’t share with Kyden. Last night was one thing, but I absolutely, definitely, positively was not sleeping in the same bed as him for a week. No. Freaking. Way.

“Sticking those two in a room together would be a bad idea.” That was the only explanation Bas gave and I was not satisfied by it.

“No, then rearrange someone else.”

“It’ll be fine Jax,” Bas said and then he and Chris disappeared into the room leaving me with little choice. I would be having words with them later.

When I reached the top of the stairs that led to the third floor room, I considered turning around and pushing Kyden down them before I turned the knob and entered our room.

“What happened to you not sharing a bed with girls?” I asked Kyden as I tossed my bags down at the foot of the bed.

“Last night might have changed my mind,” He winked. “Besides, it’s girls that I fu – I mean have sex with,” like that was much better, “that I don’t sleep with. You and I aren’t having sex. You and I are friends.” His mouth curled up in an impish grin when he said that word. “I’m all about trying new things now, broadening my horizons and I think this ‘just friends’ thing is actually going to be a lot of fun.” The way he said that made me very nervous.

“Please tell me you at least brought pajamas?” His grin was answer enough. “Great. Well you better stay on your side of the bed.” What was Bas thinking? Wasn’t he the one who told me to stay away from Kyden and now he was practically locking me away in the tower with him.

“Hey, relax. I brought shorts and it’s only for a couple of nights. Monday morning Ace and Spade have to be at work and then they’ll come back on Wednesday, but Marcus teaches some study group or genius thing at MIT so he won’t. Once they’re gone I’ll take one of those rooms and you can have this one to yourself. That is if you still want to kick me out then. Who knows, you might actually enjoy having me in your bed.”

“Just. Friends.” I made sure to put an emphasis on that last word. “That’s it. So keep all of your body parts to yourself.”

He chuckled before disappearing into the adjoining bathroom that we would also be sharing. I quickly changed into a pair of shorts and went to find the others before I really did push him down the stairs.

When I went downstairs, Vi asked if someone would run to the store to pick up the groceries we needed, I immediately volunteered Bas and myself. I wanted a minute alone with him so I could grill him about suddenly joining Team Kyden. We made a list and everyone chipped in, then I drug Bas out of the house.

“What the heck were you thinking putting me in a room with him?” I practically growled the second we pulled out of the driveway in Vi’s Beemer. “Were you not the one who was all ‘grr don’t even talk to him, he’s an evil manwhore, stay away’? Because I’m pretty sure that was you, and now, instead of hating him, you’re practically pushing me on him.”

“I never said he was evil. It’s true that I wasn’t particularly thrilled about the idea of you getting within three feet of him at the time.” I raised my eyebrows. “Okay, so I hated the idea of it, but I’ve never hated him, not even when he’s a complete dick. All those guys are family. I was just worried about what he might do to you. You’ve already been through too much. I’ve realized though, that I underestimated you and I shouldn’t have. You’re handling him just fine and he seems to be different around you. He was really worried about you this morning. He wants the chance to prove he won’t fuck up like we all expect him to. We’re just giving him that chance and I think it will be good for him; you’ll be good for him.”

“Gee, I’m so glad I get to be a part of this little experiment. What happens if you’re wrong?”

“For that to happen, you’d have to fall for him. Is that going to happen?” There was almost something teasing in his tone, like he was playing with me, but I couldn’t be sure, and I couldn’t admit that I did have real feelings for Ky.

“No, of course not.” I hoped I sounded more convincing than I felt. Maybe I should’ve listened when Bas warned me the first time. I should’ve stayed far, far away. Really I had tried, but circumstances kept pushing us together. One more thing to blame Connor for. I was starting to hope he would show his face, so I could hit it repeatedly. With a stick, or a crowbar, or a car.

Bas didn’t say anything else, he just turned up the music on the stereo and I had to wonder what he was thinking. It wasn’t often that I couldn’t read him, but now was one of those times. I still thought something was up with him and the faint smile he wore told me I was probably right.

At the store, we grabbed two carts and began filling them with the items on the list. For the most part everyone agreed, and by everyone I mean the eight guys who outnumbered the two of us girls, that we would grill out every day. So we grabbed packages of burgers, hotdogs, steaks and chicken. Vi and I were fine with that, but we made sure to inform them they were in charge of doing the grilling. It was unnecessary though, they all looked appalled that we thought they might even consider letting us near their precious grill. Men! At least I didn’t have to cook. Vi and I would just be responsible for the salads and side dishes to go with.

I divided up the rest of the list and I went in search of the main ingredients we would need to make the potato, taco and pasta salads, and sent Bas to pick out the fruits and veggies. He had learned a long time ago, on the many trips I sent him on to the store for me, how to sniff and feel out good produce.

Once we met back up and I was satisfied that we had enough groceries to feed a small village, or large group of guys, we got in line at the checkout. When he started unloading his cart with everything from mine, I noticed five extra packages of Oreos, not counting the three that I had already grabbed, along with way more beer than I thought we needed. I was the only one out of the group that didn’t drink though, so what did I know? Being around my father and the constant stream of guys working for him, that were in and out of our house and his businesses, was enough to convince me I didn’t want anything to do with alcohol, not even in moderation, something none of those guys knew.

Bas saw me eyeing the Oreos disapprovingly. “Do we really need that many Oreos?”

“Do you really need your own pack of Nutter Butters?” he shot back and he had me there. I knew I wasn’t going to win this one, so I let the Oreos slide and they were paying for their beer, so I wasn’t going to say anything about that either, but I really hoped this wasn’t going to be one big long beer fest weekend.

My apprehension must’ve showed and Bas was in tune with my thoughts. “Don’t worry, it’s not going to be like that. The guys like to have fun, but they won’t get out of control, I promise.”

Bas was the only one who really understood my aversion to being around large groups of drunken guys. He was always the one I called to help me sneak out of the house when things got out of hand. I trusted him though when he said this wouldn’t be like those times.

Making everything fit in the car so that the chips, bread and eggs wouldn’t be smashed and the beer and drinks wouldn’t slide around was like a game of Tetris, but we got it all in, and hopefully everything would make it back undamaged.

When we got back to the house the guys all came out to help carry in the bags, and the general consensus seemed to be that Bas had made a smart call with the Oreos. Apparently I should’ve known that when we were making the list and they all concurred that Oreos were a must, it meant they each had to have their own pack. I was informed that if I had returned with less, I would have been sent back.

After everything was put away, we decided to head down to the water and enjoy the afternoon sun. It was a comfortable eighty four degrees out with a slight breeze. Not too hot, but plenty warm for sunbathing and swimming. Everyone else rushed to their rooms to put on swim suits, but I didn’t need to change so I just grabbed a book, a water bottle and a towel and walked down to the water.

I was laid out on the dock with my copy of Pride and Prejudice, I know the ultimate girly book, but it was like a comfort blanket for me. It feels good no matter where I’m at or what mood I’m in. I was only six pages in when I heard feet pounding down the dock. I didn’t have time to react before the whooping and hollering started, followed by five big splashes that sent a spray of ocean water up all over the dock, soaking me. Somehow I thought that might have been their intent.

I heard a low, deep laugh coming from behind me. I set my book down and turned to see Kyden standing at the base of the dock in his swimming trunks. It was the third time I had seen shirtless Ky and the sight wasn’t any less stunning than the first or second time. In fact, he was even more beautiful in the sun light. I hadn’t gotten a good look at him either of those other time. The first time he’d had me pinned beneath him on the princess bed and then was up and out of the room before my brain was functioning properly enough. The second time was last night and between my emotional state and the lack of lighting in my bedroom, I really hadn’t taken him in then, either.

Right now, with the sun’s rays shining on his smooth skin; the color of golden honey, with just a sprinkling of dark hair and abs so well defined I would have believed they were carved from marble, I couldn’t have looked away if I tried. My eyes were also drawn to the massive piece of art sprawled across his ribs. It was a massive tree, with the roots disappearing just below his waist line. I couldn’t make out the details but it looked very intricate and I wanted to run my fingers over every inch of it; trace each line from the top all the way down. I was suddenly thinking it was a good time to jump in the lake and cool myself off because . . .

Holy six pack Batman that boy is hot.

Even with my sunglasses on, there was no way he didn’t know I was checking him out, but I didn’t even care if he knew. He was gorgeous.

“Hey it’s only fair that if you’re gonna keep staring like I’m an ice cream sundae that I get to look as well. Where’s your swimsuit Princess?” I was clad in the same pair of shorts and tank top I’d had on earlier. He started moving down the dock toward me.

“I don’t like to wear bathing suits. I try to expose as little skin to the sun as possible. Skin cancer and all that.” The lie came out easily enough, after all it was the same one I had been using for years and because of my mom no one questioned it. Even Ky lost the devilish grin that had been plastered across his face a moment before.

“Is that the kind of cancer she had Princess?” He crouched down beside me, his eyes were soft, but once again there was no pity.

“No she had a form of leukemia, but it’s still dangerous.”

“For the record Princess, those little shorts are cute as hell and I have a feeling when that tank top is soaking wet and sticking to your skin, it’s going to be just as good as a bikini.” He started to stand up and I looked at him confused.

“Why would it be-” Realization dawned on me but it was too late, he was already leaning over to pick me. “No!” I squealed and tried to get away, but his arms were around me before I got two feet and then we were both moving toward the end of the dock together. I removed my sunglasses and tossed them back toward my towel so I wouldn’t lose them in the water. I could hear the other guys in the water cheering him on and it sounded like Vi was somewhere up on the shore laughing as well. I held my breath as I felt him push off from the dock and then I was submerged in the cool ocean water. At first the temperature change was a shock, but by the time my head bobbed back to the surface and I took a few breaths it wasn’t so bad.

The first thing I did though was jump on Kyden’s back and try to shove him under. It turned into an all-out, free for all water war with everyone splashing and dunking each other. Sometime in the middle of the battle, I heard three more bodies hit the water and then we were joined by Vi, Jake and Bas.

By the time I pulled myself onto the dock, my limbs were exhausted from all the swimming and treading water. I sprawled out on my back and just the sun’s rays soak in, warming me all over. Vi crawled up after me, but most of the other guys swam to shore to get out and head for the beer. We lay there side by side, enjoying the heat. Neither one of us said a word at first, but then Vi broke the silence.

“What are you going to do?”

“About what?” I was pretty sure I didn’t need to ask what she meant.

“You know what, or who, I’m talking about.” Sometimes she could see right through me even more so than Bas did.

“I don’t know. Become a nun?”

“Sweetie I have a feeling that boy would have no trouble seducing even a nun.”

“It’s not the seduction that’s getting to me, it’s everything else. He’s funny, playful and smart, even though he uses his intelligence for devious purposes. He can cook and that voice, oh man, you should have heard him singing A Whole New World to Isabelle.” Vi hadn’t met my niece yet but she’d heard all about her.

“Even though most of the time he is absolutely infuriating and vulgar and makes me want to punch him, he can be really sweet and thoughtful. Last night I was a wreck and he took care of me. He got me calmed down and home and he stayed with me all night.” I sighed, “crap, it’s worse than I thought. I really like him Vi.”

“Oh babe, that’s just a different kind of seduction and the hardest kind to resist. He’s not just seducing your body, but your heart.”

“I don’t know what to do about it,” I groaned. “I know nothing can happen between us.”

She looked at me sympathetically. “Maybe you should just tell him how you feel. He might surprise you.”

“No way. Absolutely not. He already knows that I’m attracted to him and he admitted the same, but all he wanted was sex. I already told him that I don’t hook up casually, that I need the whole package. The look on his face was almost panicked. He straight up told me he doesn’t do relationships.”

“Maybe he’s just freaked out because this is new to him too, but he might come around.”

“I don’t think so. He’s just not right for me. I need to find a way to get over this.” He wasn’t the kind of guy a girl should lay her hopes on; it would be a mistake for me to do so. The two of us laid there another ten minutes before going inside to prepare a late lunch.

Chapter 16

After lunch, the rest of the day consisted of more sunbathing and swimming in the huge pool. Later in the day I lost epically at a game of ladder golf and didn’t fare much better in our three on three volleyball tournament. I should’ve sat that one out with Marcus, who wasn’t big on sports, but I let them coerce me into playing so that they would have three even teams. Jake and Vi would’ve been better off with just the two of them. Bas and Chris knew better than to let me on their team, but Vi had more faith in my abilities and Jake was too nice to admit that I was terrible.

The problem was that it didn’t matter how awful I was, my competitive nature still took over and it wasn’t pretty. I accidentally hit Bas pretty hard in the face with the ball and that was one of the few times I actually managed to get the ball over the net. Incidentally, it was the only time I scored a point for our team. Thankfully the rest of them had consumed enough alcohol that it helped even the odds, but not much. Our team only won a single match out of the four we played.

Bas and Chris barbecued chicken for dinner, using their dad’s secret barbecue sauce recipe. It wasn’t all that secret and it was actually really simple, but still delicious. We sat around on the front deck eating and talking and still arguing about whether or not the volleyball had been out of bounds on the final hit of the “championship” game. Danny swore that it was in, but he was the one who hit it so what else was he going to say? Of course Ace and Spade agreed with their teammate, but Chris and Ky wouldn’t accept the loss by one whole point.

When it cooled off we all went in and got sweatshirts and then sat around the patio. Spade and Kyden brought out their guitars and softly played while we watched the sun go down over the water and everyone but me, sipped a beer.

It was a long day; fun but exhausting and I barely remember climbing up the two flights of stairs sometime after midnight and getting ready for bed before I crawled between the sheets and passed out. I couldn’t tell you when Kyden came up to bed, only that he was already up and out of the room when I woke the next morning, just after ten. I found him out on the deck with everyone, minus Marcus and Danny, when I went downstairs in search of breakfast. If I had known how the morning was going to end up I might have gone back to bed.

“Morning Sleeping Beauty.” Bas smiled at me. They were all sitting around the large patio table, most of them with cups of coffee in front of them. I slid into the empty seat between Vi and Bas. Kyden was directly across from me, but he hadn’t looked up once since I had come outside. He was engrossed in whatever he was working on. He was sitting back in his chair with one foot up on the seat and a composition book the he was writing in, opened against his leg.

“He was the first one awake. He’s been going at that all morning,” Vi informed me.

“What’s he doing?” I asked even though he could no doubt hear me.

“Lyrics,” Ace answered. “Once he finds inspiration he’s like a mad man and doesn’t stop until he gets it all down on paper and then reworks it over and over until he thinks it’s just right. He’ll probably be sitting there for another couple of hours.

“You know I can hear you guys, right?”

“Yeah, we know man. Just keep writing.”

“Then shut up and quit talking about me asshole.”

“Hey, she asked. I was just sharing with her your ‘creative process’ dickhead.” Oh great, they would probably go back and forth until one of them ended up throwing something. Chris and Spade barely gave them any notice as if it was nothing new, which I doubted it was. Bas just shook his head and chuckled as the two continued trading insults. Vi got up to refill her coffee mug and I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes.

A minute later Vi returned to her seat and I heard the clink of her cup as she set it back on the table. The next thing I knew there was a clatter, I felt the table shift and then I was covered in scalding hot liquid all down the front of my stomach. I jumped out of my seat and without even thinking, quickly tugged my shirt over my head to get the heat away from my body.

“Oh Shit, are you okay Jax?” Vi asked, jumping up behind me. “I’ll go grab some ice,” she said, rushing back inside the house. Getting ice on my burn was suddenly the last thing I was worried about when I looked around and saw so many pairs of eyes riveted to my chest. I knew better than to be offended or pissed at them for staring at my boobs, because that wasn’t what they were fixated on. No, their attention was glued to the long, jagged pink line that ran from below my belly button all the way up to in between my breasts and the smaller scars that covered much of my stomach. The horrified looks on each of their faces were understandable, but it still pained me to see them. A lot worse than the hot coffee. Vi came back out and I heard her gasp and the ice pack she was holding hit the ground.

Bas and Chris were there the night I refused to go to the hospital and their dad had to stitch me up, so they were the only ones not staring. Bas was quick on his feet and tore off his own shirt and handed it to me to cover up. I pulled the shirt on but they had all already seen.

“Fuck Princess,” Kyden’s voice was strained, “what happened to you?”

I felt the tears welling in my eyes and rather than let them see me collapse right there, I ran back in the house. I heard something shatter against the side of the house and as I climbed the stairs, Kyden’s bike thundered to life and took off down the road.

I threw myself down on the bed and just let myself sob like I hadn’t in a long time. I didn’t try to make the tears stop, I just let them flow. I hated how damaged and ruined I felt. I hated that what happened still had so much power over me. I hated that I couldn’t move past it, that I was unable to let go of that night. The worst scars were the mental ones, the ones nobody could see.

On either side of me the bed dipped down and I felt two sets of arms wrap around me. They didn’t say anything. They just held me and I cried even harder, sandwiched between two of the only people in the world who really understood. Even though Vi didn’t know all of the details, I was sure she had guessed most of them over time and now she would know.

Bas rubbed my back as my body shook. Vi’s body was racked with her own sobs as she pressed against me from the front, her forehead touching mine. We laid there for what could’ve been ten minutes or an hour, I wasn’t sure, but when I was finally done, and there were no tears left in me, I let my body relax and I inhaled a few deep breaths before they released me and I sat up. I knew I would eventually have to face everyone downstairs, but I was afraid that would look at me differently now.

“You going to be okay Jazz?” I couldn’t find my voice yet so I nodded and wiped my eyes. Thankfully I hadn’t put any makeup on so I wouldn’t look like a raccoon. Bas pulled me in for one more hug and he placed a kiss on my forehead.

“I know you never wanted them to see, but they’re good guys. If you want to tell them, they’ll understand, but if you don’t, they’ll understand that too. Either way they won’t make a big deal out of it. They care about you, every single one of them and they can handle it.”

Once again I just nodded. I wasn’t sure how much I would tell them but they deserved to know at least part of the truth. They were all going out of their way to take care of me and help me out; they should at least know why they were doing it.

It was Vi’s turn to speak up, “Do you want to stay up here?”

I shook my head. “I love you both. I don’t know what I would do without you guys, but I just need a minute to get myself together, then I’ll be down.” Vi tugged me into her and I pulled Bas with me until we were all tangled in a three way hug.

When they were back downstairs, I finally got up and looked in the mirror above the bathroom sink and grimaced. My eyes were red and puffy and my cheeks were splotchy as well. I splashed some cool water on my face, but I knew there was no way I was going to be able to hide the evidence of my breakdown.

When I got downstairs, everyone except for Kyden was still out on the deck, including Marcus and Danny who must‘ve woken up at some point. When I stepped outside, conversation died down and they all looked up or turned their heads my direction. The apprehension on Marcus and Danny’s faces told me that someone must have filled them in on my gruesome strip show.

“You don’t have to tell anyone anything that you don’t want to. You don’t owe anyone here an explanation,” Chris reassured me.

“He’s right, if you want us to pretend we didn’t see anything, we can do that beautiful.” Ace’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, but I knew he meant what he said. They weren’t demanding anything from me. They would do whatever I wanted them to do in this situation, which was all the more reason why I did owe them some sort of explanation. I just didn’t know how to start. I closed my eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to steady myself.

“What you guys saw; the scars,” my voice broke and I knew I was probably going to lose it again. Bas stood up and walked over to me, taking my hand in his and squeezing it.

God, thank you for him.

He really was my rock, but I needed to be strong enough to do this on my own so I gave him a squeeze back and then let go of his hand.

“The guy in the bar from before; he’s the same one who slashed my tires last night. His name is Connor and he . . .” I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get it out. My voice was still shaky so I took another deep breath. “He attacked me a few years ago, and the scars are from the knife he used on me.”

I hadn’t ever spoken about that night out loud. Bas was the one who found me and he filled his dad and Chris in when he took me home, bleeding out all over. Talking about it now, flooded my mind with the memories of that night and it felt like I was right back there. My heart was racing and my whole body started shaking as the fear took over. My fingernails dug into my palms as I clenched my fists. I was struggling to breathe, and then my knees buckled beneath me.

All I could see were the branches of the trees above me and the sliver of the moon that hung in the sky, providing almost no light so far back on my dad’s property. Connor stood above me menacingly, and I was certain I was going to die tonight. The tears welled in my eyes as I begged, but that only seemed to make him enjoy it more. He was getting off on my terror, but I couldn’t help it. I was so afraid. I didn’t want to die.

I might have felt like it lots of times over the last six years, but now, lying there on the cold hard ground in my torn clothes, staring up at the monster I was sure was going kill me, I wanted to live. Funny how that happens, how it takes being on the verge of losing something to make you realize just how much don’t want to give it up. In this case, it was my life I didn’t want to give up.

“Come on Princess, you’re okay. You’re here with me.”  Wait. That wasn’t right, that voice didn’t belong there. I tried to find it, but it was so far away, and then Connor started to undo his belt buckle and I knew it was going to be so much worse than just death. I’d take death over this any day. My terror multiplied and I screamed for all I was worth, but he just laughed. Out here it wouldn’t do any good. There was no one to hear.

“Please don’t do this. Please no, Connor, please no.” I begged.

“Connor’s not here, he doesn’t have you. Just breathe, Princess, breathe.” There was that voice again; the one that didn’t belong in this nightmare.

Kyden?

“Come on Jazz, open your eyes and look at me. Open your eyes damn it.”

My eyes blinked open and instead of Connor sneering down at me I saw the faces of my friends, filled with concern.

“That’s it, Jazz, I‘m here. We’re at the cape house. You’re safe. Nobody is going to hurt you.” Once I realized that I was safe and that I had only been experiencing a severe panic attack brought on by PTSD, I was able to calm my breathing and my heart rate slowed. Bas was leaning over me while everyone else stood around us, but my back was pressed up against something hard and warm. I could feel someone’s legs pressing against either side of my hips and there were a pair of arms under my own wrapping around me. I was lying in someone’s lap.

“Ky?” I whispered.

“Yeah, I’m here Princess. I’ve got you.”

I’m really glad you’re here.

“Me too,” he whispered back.

I hadn’t realized I’d said it out loud.

“You okay Jazz?” I hated that he had to keep asking that, but his time I wasn’t going to pretend. I think it was pretty obvious to everyone that I was very much not okay.

“I’m not sure if I am, Bas,” my voice came out strangled.

“I know Jazz. I know. But you‘ll get there.”

I hope so.

Now that I wasn’t screaming and flailing around on the porch like a total nutter, everyone started trickling back inside to give me space. Vi squeezed my shoulder as she passed by us.

“Why is that guy still breathing?” I heard Spade mutter to someone as they disappeared into the house. Then it was just the three of us sitting there.

“I’d like to know the answer to that myself,” Kyden said.

“I’ll let her explain if she wants to.” Bas gave my hand one last squeeze and joined the rest of them in the house. I started to get up, but Kyden held me in place.

“You’re staying with me Princess.” His voice was soft but insistent.

“What do you want from me?” I snapped. My emotions were all over the place and I couldn’t handle his domineering personality at the moment.

“I don’t want anything from you Princess.” That stung more than it should. I didn’t know why it felt like a rejection, but it did. “You need to get it out though. You’ve got so much pain inside of you. You need to talk about it. They’re just words now and they can’t hurt you, but keeping them inside is going to rip you apart. Trust me.” It sounded like he was speaking from experience and I softened.

“I don’t know if I can,” my voice faltered.

“Here, come with me.” He lifted me off of his lap and stood, then held his hand out to me. It was my choice. I could refuse if I wanted, but in that moment I didn’t want to. I was tired of hiding, so I reached out and took his hand.

Chapter 17

I was sitting on Kyden’s lap; my back pressed to his front, while he gently rocked the wooden swing beneath us. We were tucked away under the gazebo that sat behind the house. It was just far enough away from the house to make it feel like we were the only two people around.

Under different circumstances our intimate setting would have made me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable, but the rocking motion was soothing and it helped that I wouldn’t have to look at his face when I spoke. I wouldn’t have to see the shock, horror, pity and disgust, or any of the hundred awful emotions that he would undoubtedly experience when I told him what he wanted to know. Despite him saying he didn’t want anything from me I knew that wasn’t true. He wanted me to open up my soul and pour it out to him. I still didn’t know if I could do that.

“Whatever you tell me Princess, I promise I can handle it. It won’t change anything.” It was easy for him to say that now when he didn’t know.

“Why are you doing this? Why do you want to know so badly? It’s not pretty. You’ve already seen the scars and you saw what happened to me out there just remembering it. You should leave it alone. You don’t want to know more, trust me. I wish I could forget it.”

“I’m so sorry Princess. I wish I could take away your pain, but I can’t. I’m not a hero or a prince. I’m not even a good guy, but I can’t shut this off, this ache in my chest. When I’m around you, I feel things that I don’t want to. It’s killing me that you’re hurting right now. The asshole in me wants to just walk away and pretend I can ignore it, just forget about you and what you do to me, but I can’t.”

They weren’t the kind of words that changed everything and made me fall head over heels. They weren’t magical words, or even really sweet words, but they were real and honest and they cracked my walls. He wanted the whole ugly truth, so I would give it to him. I would put it all out there, and then if he didn’t want anything to do with me, at least I would know. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about him finding out the truth.

“The first day I moved into my dad’s house was the same day I met Connor,” I began. “I was barely twelve and he was sixteen, and even then I felt that something wasn’t right. I don’t know if it was in his eyes, or just a gut feeling, but I knew the second I laid eyes on him that he was rotten to the core. Unfortunately, the second he laid eyes on me, he decided I was his. He used to watch me all the time. I would get chills and know that he had just entered a room.”

“You said his father works with your dad?”

“Yes, but it was more than that. My father was grooming him and Shane to take over his business one day. He saw them as the future, his legacy and he wanted Connor to be my future as well. My father was ecstatic that Connor was so taken with me and he encouraged it. My dad thought that if one day he could marry me off to that psycho, then all of the business would stay in the family. It would also ensure that I was kept in line. It didn’t matter to him that I wanted nothing to do with Connor. He didn’t listen when I told him that I was afraid of Connor and as I got older it just got worse. What my father wants, he gets, except when it came to me. I defied him at every opportunity and he relished in making me pay for it, after all it’s who he is, what he does.” I felt Kyden stiffen behind me as I got closer to the root of it all.

“The reason I don’t talk about my dad, the reason Bas and Chris won’t tell you guys anything, isn’t just because my dad is a jerk or a bad father. He’s the most notorious man in Boston. He used to be a street boss for the Irish mob, but now he runs a multibillion dollar corporation and calls himself a businessman. Most of Boston still thinks of him as ‘Mad Jack’ Malloy, even though the feds couldn‘t actually get anything to stick to him when they took down the heads of the organization. That was before I went to live him.”

“Shit, Princess. Jack Malloy is your father?” I could hear the disbelief.

“Yes. The man responsible for countless dead bodies, buried or sunk who knows where, the man who helped fill the streets with drugs, prostitution and weapons, but now owns half the major businesses in Boston, from hotels and restaurants to casinos and manufacturing companies. The man who handed his own daughter over to a violent psychopath.” The last part came out on a sob and he held me tighter.

“Tell me. You’re doing so good, just let it all out. Tell me what happened.” His voice was gentle and soothing and I thought that maybe I could do it. I could finally let it all go.

“It was Valentine’s Day my senior year. My father told me I had to be home by seven because he was punishing me for sneaking out the night before to watch Vi perform in the school musical and going to the cast party with her afterward. Shane caught me sneaking back in and ratted me out. I knew better than to fight my dad on it. An early curfew was a much milder punishment than usual. Besides, it was Valentine’s Day and it wasn’t like I had anywhere to be. Bas and Vi were both seeing someone so they had plans and I was flying solo.

“When I got home, the house was empty except for Connor. He had a fancy candlelit dinner set up and roses all over the place. Seeing him waiting for me made me sick to my stomach. I don’t know what he had been thinking. That I would just walk in, see it all and have a change of heart and suddenly fall all over him, but when that didn’t happen he lost it. I tried to get away from him, but he was on me faster than I could make it to the door. I fought him, but he struck me across the face and then he dragged me out of the house and toward the back of the property” The tears were making tracks down my cheeks again and my chest was heaving as I tried to get the words out just like he said.

“My dad’s place sits on almost twenty acres, so he took me, kicking and screaming, way back where no one would hear me. Not that there was anyone around to hear anyway. He threw me down on the ground and then kicked me in the ribs so that I couldn’t get up and try to run. I begged and pleaded for him to stop but he only laughed. He told me that I was his and that it was time for me to accept that. I would always be his and he would never let me go. I was sure that he was going to kill me out there and bury my body. I had never been so scared in my entire life.

“I had been depressed and kind of zombie like since I lost my mom, but I didn’t want to die. I tried to crawl away but he just kicked me again and this time I felt and heard my ribs crack. I thought it was the worst pain I would ever feel, but I was wrong. He stood over me and started undoing his belt and pants, and then I really did wish he would just kill me.” Kyden became deathly still behind me but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t now.

“He got on top of me. I was wearing a skirt, it had ripped at some point and he pushed it up over my hips. I couldn’t stop him.” Every other word was choked out between sobs and I was hunched over with my arms wrapped around my stomach trying to shrink in on myself. I just wanted it to not hurt anymore.

“He pulled out a knife and I prayed it would be over quickly. He dug the knife into my leg and ran the blade up the inside of my thigh then across my pelvic bone, cutting away the edge of my underwear. The pain of the knife cutting into my skin was a hundred times worse than the kick to the ribs. He did the same thing on the other side and then moved up to my stomach. At that point my throat burned from screaming, but I didn’t stop trying to fight him. Next, he used the knife to cut through my shirt and leave a bloody trail all the way- well you’ve seen the giant scar.

“The pain was so bad that I thought I was going to pass out. He just laughed some more and told me how beautiful my body was and that he was going to play with it all night. He made more cuts across my stomach just for the fun of it.” My voice was barely a strangled whimper over the cries leaving my body. If Kyden’s arms hadn’t been holding me tightly in place, I would have slipped off his lap and crumpled to the ground. I didn’t think I was going to be able to get the last bit out. It was the most overwhelming and emotional part for me to even think about let alone talk about.

“Did he . . .?” Kyden couldn’t say it and I couldn’t bring myself to speak either.

“You don’t have to tell me, Princess. If he did.” His own voice was laced with pain as he struggled to get the words out. It took me a minute to catch my breath enough to speak again.

“After he cut me, I knew he was going to. I closed my eyes because I couldn’t watch. He started . . . touching me. I closed my eyes tighter, trying to make it all go away, and then it was strange, instead of terror I . . . it’s hard to describe, but the only word that fits is peace. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. For a second I thought that maybe I had died, that the cuts were even deeper than I’d realized and I’d bled out. Then I felt Connor still above me and knew I hadn’t died, but still I wasn’t afraid anymore. It was like someone was holding me and whispering that it was going to be okay, that I wasn’t going to die. I just held on to that feeling and tried to bury myself in it. I didn’t even realize when Connor’s weight wasn’t on me anymore. The next thing I can actually remember is Bas putting me in his car.”

“So he did?” Ky’s voice was broken and begging me to tell him he was wrong.

I shook my head. “No. He didn’t. What he did was awful and I felt so disgusting for weeks, but he didn’t actually rape me. He didn’t get the chance. Bas had been on his date when he got the feeling that I was in trouble. He tried to call me and when I didn’t answer he knew something was wrong. He bailed on his date and went over to my house. When he checked inside and found the empty house and signs of a struggle and the back door wide open he ran out back. He said that he just knew I was out there and when he got closer he heard me scream. He got there in time and stopped him.” I couldn’t even bring myself to think about how it would have ended if he’d shown up even ten minutes later.

“Bas would have killed him then and there but he saw all the blood and knew he had to get me out of there. When I came around and realized that I was safe, I refused to let him take me to a hospital. The cops would have been called, and if Bas told them what had happened, it would have gotten him killed. I couldn‘t let that happen.” I had also been terrified for myself. I was a coward, too afraid to come forward and stand up to him and my father. That was a shame I still lived with.

I could feel the rise and fall of Kyden’s chest behind me, and his breath was warm on the side of my neck, but he didn’t say a word. I hadn’t really expected him to. It was a lot to take in. He was probably trying to figure out the quickest way to put as much distance between us as he could.

“That’s why you ran away, left Boston?” Not quite the hasty escape I expected him to make, but I was sure it was still coming. Especially now that he was realizing just how damaged and weak I was. Instead of standing up for myself and facing my problems I took off like the scared little girl that I was, that most of the time I still am. Even now, I’m still hiding from so much of my past.

“That’s part of it, or maybe most of it. I think that even if it hadn’t happened, eventually I still would have left, but that night just sped up the timetable. I’m still not sure exactly what I felt that night, or how Bas knew I was in trouble and right where to go. I don’t know much about religion or God, but I know that someone saved me that night. My mom had faith and she would tell me stories from her Bible. I think when I was younger, I believed, but then when she died I was just so angry and hurt that I didn’t care much whether He was real or not.

“I’m still not certain about a lot of it, but I don’t have any other explanation for that night. It made me feel like it wasn’t too late for me; that someone thought I deserved another chance. That maybe I was worth saving. It was the first moment since the day I found out my Mom was going to die, that I remembered what hope was. I couldn‘t let anyone or anything take that from me so I took the only way out I saw. Without a thought for anyone but myself, I just ran the first chance I got.”

Kyden knew everything now. My brokenness in its entirety was laid out before him. My cowardice and shame. I felt pathetic, so why wasn’t he running yet? He should be fleeing the wreckage that was my life, before I dragged him into it any further. Why was he just sitting there, not saying anything? Minutes of silence passed and he still didn’t speak, or move. Finally I felt him shift and I knew he wanted me off of his lap. I slid down into the seat beside him. He stood and walked toward the opening of the gazebo.

This is it.

He stopped and put his hands on the rail. He stood there quietly, with his back to me, for what felt like forever. I couldn’t bear it any longer.

“Ky?” He wouldn’t look at me. “Would you please just say something, anything? The silence is killing me.”

He turned to face me and his face was a mask of intense anger and desperation. I’d never seen his eyes so dark or his jaw so tense. “What the hell do you want me to say?” The words ripped from his lips and I felt the sting of them down in my core.

“I don’t know. Tell me what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling.” My voice was shaking and barely audible. I wasn’t sure that I actually wanted to know.

“You’ve got be fucking kidding me. You want to know what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling right now?”

I nodded. “I just told you my father is a dangerous criminal, and Connor is a sociopath who won’t hesitate to hurt anyone who gets in the way of what he wants. I just opened up about the most terrifying night of my life, so yeah; I’d kind of like to know what’s going through your head.”

“I don’t think you do Princess.”

Was it that bad? Was he mad at me? Disgusted with me?

“Are you mad?”

He snorted, “Mad doesn’t even come close to what I am right now. I’m feeling so many things right now that it’s making me sick. I want to track that son of a bitch down right now and kill him, but even that wouldn’t be enough, because I don’t just want to kill him, I want to torture him. I want your father to pay more than any other person on this fucking planet for ever letting him near you, and making you doubt that you would be worth saving. I wish like hell that I could bring your mom back so that you never had to experience any of that, so that you wouldn’t feel like you’re some broken trinket that can’t be fixed.”

He looked away, unable to meet my eyes any longer. “Most of all,” his voice was so quiet that I could barely hear it, “I wish that I wasn’t feeling all this shit, that I could just go back to a month ago when everything was simpler and you weren’t fucking with my head. I can’t do this.”

Do what?

He didn’t even give me a chance to respond. He turned and walked away before I could say anything. I watched his long strides as he made his way toward the house and I watched him yank the door open and then slam it behind him.

I was not going to cry again. I told myself that over and over. If I could survive everything I had been through so far, I could survive his rejection. I wasn’t going to follow after him, I couldn’t do that. Not when he’d just told me he wished he’d never met me. It hurt so unbelievably bad. He’d pushed me to open up, promised he could handle it, that it would be okay. He lied. It wasn’t okay and I was so mad at him for that. I knew I was screwed up and it wasn’t fair to get him involved in my life when it was such a mess, but was it wrong to have hoped he wouldn’t just bolt because he couldn’t deal?

I would have given just about anything to go back, to be in my house with him chasing me around the living room with that dish towel, or crammed in that tiny play tent, or even up in the bed that we were sharing. He was pushing me away and I just wanted to hang on tighter. This is what I had expected, and a part of me even understood that Kyden wasn’t the type of guy to do the emotions thing, but it still hurt. It hurt that he’d done exactly what I’d been afraid of.

I laid down on my side, with my legs curled and my knees tucked up into my chest, and just let the swing rock me.

God, I don’t know if this is the kind of thing you help out with, but I’m so confused right now. I don’t know how I feel about him. Everything is a mess and I don’t know what I want. It all just hurts so much. I don’t know what to do to make any of it better. I’m so sorry for how selfish I’ve been but I really need you right now.

I fell asleep there on the swing, with my heart aching in my chest and silent prayers still running through my head.

Chapter 18

The feel of someone’s hand gently shaking my shoulder woke me. For a second I hoped that it was Kyden coming back, but that hope was dashed a second later when I heard Bas’ voice, “Wake up sleepy.”

I opened my eyes and he was leaning over me. I blinked a couple times and wiped at my eyes to clear away the gunk left from all the tears. Bas lifted my head so he could slide into the seat, and then set it back down on his lap.

“How long have I been out here?” I stared up at the ceiling of the gazebo while we rocked.

“It’s almost three, so about two hours. Everyone is getting ready to head in to Hyannis. A few of us are gonna hit up the golf club and I think the rest of them are going to the mall. You want to come with?”

I was sure it was an attempt to cheer me up and take my mind off of everything, but I really wasn’t in the mood for golfing or shopping or being around people in general.”

“No thanks. I think I’ll just hang out here.”

“I thought you might say that,” he sighed and I knew he would offer to stay with me, but I really just wanted to be alone. I’d had someone with me every moment since my second night in town, and now, more than anything, I really needed time to myself. I knew I was safe here and he would have no reason to object.

“You should go. All of you need to go and have fun. Nobody else’s day needs to be ruined because of me.”

“You’re not ruining anybody’s day Jazz,” he tried to argue, but I wasn’t having it. “I don’t mind staying and hanging out with you.”

“Well I do mind. I’m actually a little sick of your face.” I tried to keep a serious face as I ribbed him, but he just laughed.

“Yeah, whatever. You could never be sick of me.”

“Maybe not, but you’re still going golfing. I will be fine here.”

“Promise me you won’t sit here and be sad all day.”

“I promise I’ll try not to. I just . . . it’s been a rough day and I’m still processing.”

“Fair enough. Do you want to talk about what happened with Ky? He didn’t look happy when he left.”

So he’d taken off again.

“I’m not ready to relive it just yet, but I’ll talk to you when you get back.”

He still didn’t look like he wanted to leave.

“I’ll be okay while you’re gone, really. Please don’t worry. I promise I won’t mope all day. I’ll read. I might swim some laps or walk around the property and pig out fruit and cookies.”

That’s exactly what I did too after they were gone. I laid out by the pool and read, but for the first time I wasn’t able to get lost in Victorian England. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett didn’t provide the escape I was looking for or make anything feel okay. My mind was stuck on the image of Kyden walking away from me. After rereading the same paragraph for the fourth time because I couldn’t concentrate, I finally gave up.

I decided if I couldn’t distract myself with a good book, exercise would be the next best thing. I swam laps until I was so physically exhausted that when I climbed out of the pool my mind wasn’t thinking about anything except a snack and a nap. I didn’t have the energy to make an actual meal so I just grabbed some strawberries and a granola bar and found a comfy spot to lie down in the sun.

When I woke up out on the deck lounger where I had crashed, the sun was sinking low in the sky. The breeze had picked up and I was chilly without the sun beating down on me. I must have slept longer than I’d planned. My phone said it was almost seven and my stomach said it was dinner time. I wondered why nobody had woken me up.

As soon as I walked into the quiet house and saw that all of the lights were still out I realized why nobody bothered to wake me up. They weren’t back yet. The house was empty. I was just pulling out my phone to call Bas when it rang and his picture popped up.

“Hey. You guys still in Hyannis?”

“Yeah, we all just met up and everyone wants to go out to eat here, but we felt bad leaving you back at the house by yourself. Has Kyden come back?”

“No. You guys haven’t heard from him?”

“No. I thought he would’ve gone back to the house by now.” From his tone and the exasperation I could hear, it was obvious that he was frustrated. There was also an underlying concern in his voice, but I didn’t have a chance to ask him anything else before he changed the subject. “Do you want me to come back and get you so you can go to dinner with us?”

“No, you guys just go eat and I’ll see you when you get back,” I insisted. It would be ridiculous for him to make the half hour drive back here to pick me up just to go to dinner with them. I was also holding out hope that Kyden would come back before they did. I wanted to be here if that was the case. I wasn’t sure what I would say to him, but I needed to see where we stood after he’d had some time and space. I don’t know why it meant so much to me what he thought, but it did. Okay that was a lie. I knew why. I just hated admitting that even after everything, I still felt something for him.

It didn’t matter though because he didn’t come back. I was nervous and anxious all night, waiting for him. I tried to find things to do to keep busy and occupy my mind, but for the most part my efforts were futile. After I cooked myself some quick pasta for dinner, I baked six loaves of banana bread to go with breakfast. Baking was usually a good stress reliever for me, but I found that the harder I tried not to think about him, the more I did.

I called Sadie since I hadn’t talked to her much over the last week except for a few text messages here and there. Really it didn’t help with taking my mind off Kyden either. She was almost just as intuitive as Bas was when it came to my moods. She picked up on it about two minutes into our conversation and had me spilling everything. She was angry and concerned when I told her about my tires being slashed, but really I spent most of the time venting about Kyden, hoping she would have the words to talk me off the crazy ledge. She didn’t. She told me he sounded like an asshole that wasn’t worth my time. It was probably true, but it still didn’t help me. It was enough that she listened though, and it was nice to talk to someone outside of the situation.

At ten the rest of the group finally came back, but Kyden still hadn’t showed up. I walked in on the guys discussing where they thought he might be. Chris and Ace had tried calling and texting him, but their calls had gone ignored. They had some ideas about what he might be up to.

“He’s probably out getting drunk or fucking someone. Probably both.” Spade commented.

“Yeah, he never handles emotional shit well, and we’ve all seen how he’s been different since Jax showed up,” Ace said, but I wasn’t sure what he meant about Kyden being different, I didn’t think he’d been different around me at all.

“Well he should man the fuck up. He said he wouldn’t –” When Bas saw me eavesdropping the conversation halted abruptly, but it didn’t matter I had already heard enough. I felt like I was going to be sick. My face must have showed as much because Bas was immediately in front of me, grabbing my arm and leading me out of the kitchen.

“You heard all that?”

“I heard enough,” I answered. I wished I could un-hear it, but it wasn’t like those same thoughts hadn’t already crossed my mind. I knew what he was like. I just wanted to be wrong, but hearing the guys voice their theories as well, made it more difficult to deny that Kyden was probably with some other girl right now.

“I’m sorry. It’s possible he’s just riding around on his bike to blow off steam.”

“But that’s not how he usually blows off steam? Is it?” He shook his head and I took a deep breath trying to pull myself together before letting it out. “Doesn’t matter,” I said. “He can do whatever he wants. I don’t’ care.” Liar

“Yeah you do,” Bas sighed. “Remember this is me you’re talking to. I know you, and I know you’re hurting more than you let on. How much did you tell him?”

“Everything.”

“I figured as much. He was pretty bent when he came back in the house afterward. Look, I can relate to how he’s probably feeling. It still tears me up inside every damn day Jazz and he’s not used to caring so much about someone, at least not a girl. We don’t know where he actually is or what he’s doing. Just wait until he gets back and talk to him.”

“Maybe I don’t want to talk to him.” More lies. Bas was right. I was hurt and I needed to protect myself. “Like I said in the beginning, he’s the last thing I want. He’s not good for me. I only just met him two weeks ago and already he’s turning me inside out. I don’t even know who he is. There are so many sides to him and most of them scare me. I’ve dealt with enough temperamental jerks to last me forever. I don’t need any more bad boys screwing with my life.” That, at least, was the truth.

“There’s a difference between bad boys and bad guys Jax,” Vi’s voice chimed in. She was standing just a few feet from us in the doorway. I don’t how long she’d been there, but obviously long enough to overhear the last part.

“Connor is a bad guy. Your dad is a bad guy. Bad guys are selfish and cruel. All they do is take and take until you’re left empty. But a bad boy is different. He can be reckless and a little dangerous but it challenges you and gets you to live daringly and take risks. He pushes you beyond what’s comfortable and safe into something exciting and new. It will force you to truly embrace life instead of settling for complacency.”

There it was, that word, settling; the thing I promised my mother I wouldn’t do. Was I doing it now? I didn’t think I was settling. I just wasn’t putting my heart out there for Ky to smash into pieces.

“We’re too different. Our worlds don’t even exist in the same universe. Despite everything, I’m still the little girl hoping for forever, and he’s not the forever type. I’m already damaged enough, like a cracked vase and he’s the type that would completely shatter me. I believe in loving one person your whole life and he lives his life carefree and loose, sleeping with as many people as he can. You’re right that he’s reckless and if I gave him my heart, he would be reckless with that too. He’s all about music and sex and having a good time.”

“And you,” she added. “Lately he is also all about you, but you’re the only one who doesn’t see it. I don’t care how much he thinks he doesn’t want a relationship, or that he says he can’t give you anything beyond a casual hookup. Whether either of you realize it or not, he’s already gotten closer to you than any other girl. I’m not saying you have to compromise your beliefs, but just maybe open yourself up to something more. Maybe you can hold on to your morals and self-respect and still have him. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll change along the way too. You might be what each other need.”

That sounded nice and straight out of one of my romance novels, but this wasn’t a book. This wasn’t some story that was guaranteed to work out. It was my life, and sometimes in real life the bad boys don’t change; they turn into the bad guys. Someone only changes if they want to, and Kyden didn’t appear to want to. I wasn’t going to delude myself into I was special.

“She’s right Jazz. I know you don’t see, and I know he’s already hurt you, but we’ve all known him for a while. He’s different when it comes to you. He’s still a damned wreck, but I think that with some time –”

“Stop. Just stop it. I don’t understand why you’re pushing this, why you’re sticking up for him. You guys don’t know what happened earlier, what he said. He doesn’t want anything to do with me and he wasn’t nice about it.”

“Today was really emotional for both of you, maybe you both just need some time and space to work through it,” Vi said.

“What I need is to go to bed.” I was done with this conversation. I didn’t want to hear any more about how good Kyden and I could be for each other, because it just wasn’t true and it wouldn’t do me any good to let myself believe it. I left the two of them standing in the kitchen, with their arguments that I didn’t care to listen to. I said goodnight to Ace and the rest of the guys as I passed them on the way up to mine and Kyden’s room, except it was probably just my room now. I didn’t think I had to worry about sharing anymore.

Oh God, what if he brings a girl back here tonight?

I don’t think I would be able to bear that. What if they were loud and I could hear them, or worse what would I do if I went down in the morning and some slut was on the couch wrapped around him? I had to stop myself right there.

You don’t even know that he’s with a girl, and he probably wouldn’t bring anyone back here.

Unfortunately the images and thoughts still ran wild through my brain. Having taken such a long nap I wasn’t truly tired, but emotionally I was beyond exhausted. I slipped the Kiera Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice into the DVD player and curled up in the bed. Even though I couldn’t get through the book, it was still my feel good story.

Sometimes, well usually only after having read or watched anything Jane Austen, I wished that I lived in that time period. Then I would think about hygiene and women’s rights and change my mind. But the idea of wearing beautiful gowns, going to fancy balls, letters written long hand and being courted by a gentleman, was just fairy tale enough to make my inner little girl want to do cartwheels right into a time machine. Realistically if I tried to do cartwheels I would end up face planting the ground.

The movie ended well after midnight and I shut the TV off and closed my eyes, but even a stroll through a field of poppies in Oz wouldn’t have helped me find sleep. I tossed and turned all night long, unable to quiet my mind. So many things were weighing on it and they kept me up into early hours of the morning.

Chapter 19

After my restless night of sleep, I didn’t climb out of bed until eleven the next morning. I was frustrated and still thinking about the night before. I threw on a pair of cotton shorts and a sleeveless tee over my sports bra. I laced up my running shoes and headed down the stairs. I resolved not to spend what was left of the day, moping, complaining or being angry and bitter about my present circumstances. I refused to let my happiness depend on a guy, especially one who only twisted me up and introduced me to a side of myself I wasn’t particularly fond of.

I was not this jealous, clingy and irrational girl. At least I hadn’t been until Kyden, and I was done with feeling so out of control. There were a lot of things in my life that I couldn’t fix. I would just have to have faith that I would get through them and come out stronger on the other side. The way I’d been letting Kyden mess with my head wasn’t one of those things. I could absolutely do something about that. I hoped, anyway.

I couldn’t turn off my feelings but I could stop obsessing over them. A good run along the water would clear my head and make my body feel good, which was a start to making the rest of me feel good. I sliced off a piece of banana bread for breakfast and popped a couple grapes in my mouth on my way out the door. I slid my headphones into place and passed Vi, who was in the living room watching The Vampire Diaries, with Jake who looked like he’d rather be watching Game of Thrones. She just gave me a wave as I left. I didn’t know who else was up, but I heard at least a few of them out by the pool when I took off toward the water at a slow jog. I noticed Spade’s car was gone and remembered that a few of them had to go back to Boston this morning for work, they’d be back tomorrow evening and then Wednesday was the fourth.

The sun hadn’t broken through the clouds yet this morning, so it was cool while I ran and the gentle breeze felt good against my sweaty skin. I made it about two and a half miles down the road before I turned and headed back. When I was within a couple hundred yards of the house I slowed down to a walk. I was winded and feeling the burn in my calves. I was surprised I even made it that far; I expected myself to be much more out of shape.

Bas, Chris, Jake and Danny were down on the boat launch near the dock, launching The Violette, a catamaran cruiser Vi’s parents named for her. When Bas looked up and saw me, he handed off his rope to Chris and started walking toward me. I stopped in the driveway and did some stretches while I waited for him to reach me.

“Have a good run?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I answered and I meant it. Even though I was beat and would definitely be feeling sore for a day or two, it was a good feeling. It was a pain I could manage. “I made it about five miles.”

“Weak.” He grinned and I would have hit him if it didn’t take so much effort.

“Shut up, it’s been a while.”

He laughed but then his smile shifted into a more serious expression. “You feel okay this morning, or I guess afternoon? You slept most of the morning away.”

I let out a deep breath and stood up straight. “I didn’t sleep well, but I’m good now. Really. The run helped me get out a lot of the frustration and-” I was cut off by the sound of a motorcycle coming up the road. We both turned to see Kyden pull his bike into the driveway.

He looked like I felt, beat. I’d hoped he had just gone back to Boston, but that obviously wasn’t the case. He’d slept somewhere though. I wouldn’t let myself care though. He was who he was and I was over it. Or at least I was going to be. He strode right past us and disappeared through the front door, looking disheveled and very hung over.

I turned my attention back to Bas who just shook his head. “I really thought he wouldn’t pull this shit with you. I’m sorry. When I saw how much you affected him, I really thought he was changing, that you could get him to . . . I don’t know, but I was wrong. He’s still got a long way to go. I wouldn’t have pushed you into a room with him if I thought this was how things were going to play out.”

“That was crappy of you.” This time I did punch him in the arm for the set-up.

“Oww. Shit I said I was sorry. You really do pack a meaner punch than you used to,” he said, rubbing his arm where I’d hit him.

I just smirked, but then Bas got serious again. “Do you want me to tell him he needs to leave?”

“No. It’s not a big deal. He can stay. Really he hasn’t done anything I shouldn’t have expected. He was never accountable to me and he doesn’t owe me anything. He’s done enough for me that I do owe him a little tolerance at the very least.”

“How very understanding of you,” Bas said skeptically.

“Like I said, the run was good for me.”

Chris hollered for Bas. They had the boat completely in the water and were waiting on him. “We’re taking her out, want to come with? The water is perfect for it today and Danny’s never been out.”

“I need a shower. Then I think I’ll just see what Vi is up to, but you guys have fun and be safe out there.”

“Always are, Jazz.” He smiled and jogged off to join the guys waiting on the dock.

Vi was, unsurprisingly, at the coffee pot refilling her cup when I walked into the kitchen. She turned and watched me go straight to the fridge to fill my own glass with ice water. I downed the entire cup before filling it again and then leaning against the counter to face her.

“You see him?” she asked and took a sip from her cup.

“Yep,” I replied disinterested.

“And?”

“And what Vi? I saw him. He looked like sex and smelled like booze, but we already knew what he was up to last night and it is what it is. He’s a big boy and can do what he wants.” I kept my voice low in case he was anywhere around. “Like I told Bas when he grilled me ten minutes ago, I had a lot of time to think last night and this morning on my run. I’m not wasting any more time trying to read into every little thing he says and does, hoping it means something more. It’s better for both of us if we stick to our agreement to keep things uncomplicated.”

“Okay. I get it. I won’t bring it up anymore. I just want to see you happy, both of you, if that isn’t too much to ask.”

“I know, but I don’t need a guy to be happy, and if yesterday is any indication I certainly don’t make him happy.” A bitter laugh left my lips and Vi just rolled her eyes.

“You make him crazy. You both make each other crazy.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. That was about to change. I was done with crazy. I’d had enough crazy to last five people a life time.

“I need a shower and then if you want to do something, I’m up for whatever, as long as it doesn’t involve talking about guys.”

“Oooh. Okay,” she said excitedly. “I’ll leave my car here for the guys and we can catch the bus into Hyannis and walk around Main Street. I know you like checking out the art galleries and shops there and then we can get pedicures.” I was confident that by the time I got out of the shower she would have our entire day mapped out down to bathroom breaks, which was fine with me.

I climbed both flights of stairs up to my room. I was looking forward to the hot spray of the shower on my sore muscles. I shoved open the door, stepped into the room and walked toward the dresser where I had my things stowed. I froze half way there, then turned around and walked right back out of the room.

Kyden was passed out on the bed, sleeping off his late night activities no doubt. The last thing I wanted to do was disturb his sleep and face him in that state. No thank you. I went back downstairs and poked my head into the kitchen.

“Hey Vi, I’m gonna use the shower in your room, and can I borrow something to wear? Goldilocks is in my bed and I really don’t want to wake him up by going in there again.”

“Yeah sure. My shampoo and all that is in the shower, help yourself to whatever.”

Climbing out of the shower, I dried off and then went to rummage through Vi’s closet. The sun was shining but the breeze was a little stronger today so I grabbed a navy blue dress that would flow loosely down to my knees and a cream colored knit sweater to wear over it. My size seven feet were a little smaller than Vi’s, but I found a pair of navy blue flip flops that worked. I braided my damp hair over my shoulder and slipped the cross necklace that was my mom’s back around my neck before going downstairs to see if Vi was ready.

We took two bicycles out of the garage and rode them the two miles into the Marstons Mills Marketplace and waited for the one thirty bus that would take us into Hyannis. We loaded the bikes onto the bike rack and found a pair of seats near the back of the bus. Vi slid into the window seat and we both slipped headphones in. While she watched the short trip pass by out the window, I took the opportunity to observe the people around me. The bus was pretty crowded with groups of all ages.

I don’t know if people watching can be considered a hobby, but if so, it was one of mine. I was good at reading most people too. Probably because being able to discern someone’s intent was vital to surviving life at my father’s. Not that it really saved me in the end.

A couple rows ahead of us on the opposite side was a family of four, I could tell they were probably first time tourists from the way they eagerly watched out their windows, pointing and commenting on everything they saw. In front of them the seats transitioned into the benches that faced the aisle instead of forward. There was a group around my age, three girls and four guys who all appeared to be together. A pretty red head seated at the end nearest the back of the bus, kept sneaking glances at a sandy haired guy a three people down from her. If I could use just one word to describe her face it would be longing. I also noticed that the sandy haired guy, who slightly resembled Taylor Kitsch, was seriously into the blonde sitting next to him. Isn’t that how it always goes.

For the rest of the ride I watched the red head watch Taylor and blondie flirt shamelessly. Red became more and more dejected, but I don’t think any of her other friends noticed, or at least they pretended not to. When the bus pulled into the Hyannis depot everyone disembarked and I silently wished Red luck as I watched her group disappear. The streets were packed with vacationers enjoying the summer festivities around the cape. We locked our bikes up outside the transportation center and spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying all the area had to offer during the summer.

My favorite was of course one little art gallery that featured all local artists. I could have easily spent an hour in there, but Vi insisted we leave after half that. I didn’t protest because there really was so much to see and do. We wouldn’t have time for it all if we didn’t move on. Walking out of the gallery I thought about my interview on Friday and how much I was anticipating the opportunity to get back into the art world.

We continued our trek through the streets, taking in all of the sights and sounds. We stopped and tossed a few bills in a street busker’s case. He was working the crowd around him with a Bruno Mars song on his guitar.

I’ll admit that we also admired a few tanned chests on some of the shirtless guys wandering around, but it was the smells that really got us. With all of the walking, we had both worked up appetites and there were so many flavors wafting through the air, coming from the cotton candy carts, pizza vendors and several cafes and restaurants we passed.

Vi wanted to grab a late lunch at her favorite sea food shack a few blocks away. On our way there she begged me to ride on the carousel with her, so we stood in line with all the eight year olds and spent five bucks to ride around for three minutes on a unicorn that went up and down while the carousel twirled. It was silly and ridiculous and we both loved it, and documented it with a picture on my phone. I sent it to Bas with a message that said we were going to have lunch and wouldn’t be back until later in the evening.

When the bus pulled into the market place after nine that night, Jake and Bas were waiting for us with the truck that stayed on the property for hauling the boat. I was grateful not to have to make the ride back, even though it was such a short distance, my legs couldn’t take anymore, not after the run and an entire day exploring on foot.

Vi and I found a plate of steak and potatoes that the guys had grilled earlier, wrapped up for each of us in the kitchen and I was surprised by how hungry I was even after all the seafood followed by the frozen yogurt that we treated ourselves to this afternoon.

“When you girls are done you should come out to the hot tub, that’s where the other two are,” Bas told us before stripping out of his hoodie and t-shirt so he was left in just his swimming trunks. Jake followed suit and they both headed out the side door, but not before grabbing a case of beer to take with them

It took me all of five minutes to clean my plate, Vi too. Soaking in the hot tub sounded heavenly, just the thing for my sore legs and tired body, but I was reluctant to join them. Not because I wanted to avoid Kyden, okay not entirely, but I was unsure of how much awkwardness there would be between us, or if he would just ignore me or pretend nothing had happened.

In the end Vi persuaded me to go change out of the dress and get my butt out there. I was glad I did too because the hot water and the jets felt just as amazing as I knew they would, and Kyden acted like nothing was up and barely acknowledged me. He wasn’t rude or cruel, just withdrawn.

I was the first one to call it a night, Bas had caught me resting my eyes twice and I figured it was time to get out before one of them had to carry me out. Upstairs I peeled off my swim shorts and tank top and left them on the bathroom floor while I climbed into the shower and rinsed the chlorine from my skin and hair. I practically fell into bed after toweling off and slipping into pajama bottoms and a t shirt. I groaned when my face hit the pillow and I pulled the covers up to my neck, they smelled like him. Not alcohol or whatever girl he’d had buried himself in. Just his body wash, which I knew because I’d already sniffed out his shower products, and the light scent that was just him.

I wanted to tear them off the bed and burn them, but that might have been a tad overdramatic. Instead I tore them off, piled them in the corner of the room and remade the bed with the spare bedding from the closet. Once the smell of him was no longer invading my nose I drifted off to sleep, a much more restful sleep than the night before.

Chapter 20

“Jazz, you ready? We’re leaving in five,” Bas yelled up to my room.

“Yeah, I’ll be down in just a minute,” I hollered back. I finished up my make up with a coat of mascara and took a final look in the mirror. Dark blue Captain America tank with faded blue denim cut off shorts, simple makeup, not overdone and hair pulled into a side braid over my shoulder. I called it good, turned out the light and slipped into my red flip flops.

Bas was waiting at the bottom of the stairs in cargo shorts, a blue v-neck and his red BU baseball cap. “Ready to celebrate the independence of this fine nation?”

“Why yes I am sir. Lead me to the fried food, cotton candy and carnival games,” I playfully demanded. I was feeling upbeat and looking forward to the Fourth of July festivities.

The band was already there unloading and setting up equipment, Danny and Marcus with them. I hadn’t seen any of them since yesterday evening. When Ace and the others had gotten back, they decided to go out to one of the local bars. I was in bed before they got home, and they were already gone when I woke up this morning. Kyden hadn’t tried to sleep in my room since the day he’d passed out in there hungover. I still wasn’t sure how to be around him. We’d hardly spoken or interacted at all since the hot tub. I wasn’t going out of my way to avoid him, but I didn’t know what to say or how not to make it awkward. It was entirely possible that he was avoiding me, and if that’s how he wanted it, then I would follow his lead.

I was confident that most of the anxiety and distress I’d felt over Kyden was due to my emotions running on high from reliving my nightmare and sharing so much of myself with him. I’d let my emotions get away from me, but after a couple of days I felt more like myself and I was determined not to let it happen again. Sometimes though, all the determination in the world means very little as I was about to find out.

We rode with Vi and Jake to the festival, but we split up once we got there. Vi and Jake wanted to get food and I dragged Bas over to the games.

“Come on Bas, you promised to win me that giant stuffed monkey. I want to see you keep that promise,” I goaded him after he missed, just barely, in his first attempt at one of those rigged carnival games. Five minutes later, after his second try, I walked away grinning and clutching my prize in my arms.

“You realize the amount of money I spent on tickets to win that stupid thing could have bought you two of them?” He asked.

“That is not the point. I wanted mine won.” Pleased with myself and my new aviator wearing monkey, I headed in the direction of the stage. I felt something small land in my hair. I stopped and turned in time to catch Bas launching bits of kettle corn like projectiles. I reached out to snatch the bag from his hand, but in a moment that happened so fast I couldn’t stop it, Bas leaned forward and used my outstretched hand to yank me forward right over his shoulder. He didn’t even spill any of his kettle corn.

“Bas put me down. Right now. You’re not funny.”

“Actually I think I am.” It was his turn to be pleased with himself and he clearly was. I however, was not amused. Much. I tried to swing the monkey up to hit him in the back of the head, but I was pretty certain I just looked like a flailing lunatic, yelling laughing and swinging a stuffed monkey that I’d named Goose.

“Nice monkey you got there,” I heard Spade’s voice and from the number of feet I could see standing around us, I knew we had to be close to the stage.

“Thanks,” I replied even though I couldn’t turn to look at him because Bas still hadn’t released me.

“Wasn’t talking to you Rainbow.”

I opened my mouth, ready with a sarcastic comeback of my own, but instead I let out a high pitched squeal after an unexpected swat landed on my butt. I almost jerked right out of Bas’ grip and onto the ground. I knew it was Spade who had smacked me.

“Thanks man, I’m pretty fond of her even though she’s a little odd and smells kind of funny,” Bas said. That time I succeeded in smacking him upside the head with the stuffed animal and I finally wriggled loose and slid back down to my feet. “Ow. She’s kind of violent too.” They laughed and I knew Bas was just trying to get a rise out of me, but I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. I looked around to see if I could spot Vi, or one of my more mature friends. Then I remembered I didn’t have any mature friends.

Vi and Jake weren’t at the stage yet, but Ace, Chris, Danny and Marcus were up there moving cords and mics around. I didn’t see Kyden. I hopped up onto the stage and sat with my legs dangling over the edge and Goose in my lap while ignored the two boneheads and waited for Vi.

“These guys bothering you, beautiful?” I grinned up at Ace and he sat down beside me, hanging his legs off the stage next to mine.

“As a matter of fact they are.” I narrowed my eyes and shot the nastiest glare I could at the two who just smirked.

“Should I call security to escort them out?” Ace asked in his most serious voice. Approaching giggles caught my attention and I looked over my left shoulder to see Kyden strolling up to the stage with a beer in one hand, a blonde on his right and a brunette on his left. His eyes met mine for a fraction of a second before he shoved his tongue down the brunettes throat while his free hand roamed all over her body. Afterward it was the blonde’s turn. I don’t know why I watched, it just made me sick. The whole scene was revolting. Kyden finally pulled his face away and with a smack on her rear he jumped up on the stage, chugged the last of the beer in his hand, then picked up his guitar and started messing with it.

Ace let out a frustrated sigh beside me and then Spade and Bas came over to stand in front of us. “How long has he been at it?” Bas asked.

“I think he started at breakfast,” Ace answered. I guessed they were referring to the alcohol, but for all I knew they meant the girls, or both.

“I don’t know how many he’s had since we got here, but it’s been like that all day.” Spade tipped his head to indicate the two girls who were still standing at the end of the stage, giving Kyden slutty eyes.

“Will he be able to play drunk?” I imagined they were getting paid for this gig, and probably decently. Whatever was going on with Kyden could potentially mess things up for the rest of them.

“Yeah, he’ll be able to play just fine. I just hope no assholes even look at him wrong tonight because he’s definitely in the mood to rip someone apart. The last thing we need is another fight.”

I looked at Spade in confusion. “Another fight?” He looked away, not wanting to meet my eyes. None of them did in fact. They all had guilty expressions and I knew they were keeping something from me. “What is it? Just tell me.”

“Nothing Rainbow. He’s just in a bad place right now and there was a bit of a scuffle at the bar last night, but you don’t need to worry about it.”

“Obviously I do. You guys wouldn’t have kept it from me if you didn’t think it concerned me.” My frustration was palpable. I could put up with the silent treatment and all the uncomfortable looks, even the girls, but booze and fighting? What the heck was his problem?

“We didn’t want you to worry about it. He’s just dealing with his shit and we’re trying to be understanding,” Ace explained, but I didn’t want to hear it.

“Maybe he should just grow up and learn to control his temper. Being drunk and pissed off isn’t a good excuse to get into a fight,” I spit out. I was so sick of guys who wouldn’t evolve past the Neanderthal stage and thought everything could be solved by clubbing someone.

“Jazz, I’m sorry but this time you don’t know what you’re saying. It might not be right, what he’s doing, but it is understandable,” Bas defended. “I don’t blame him for wanting to let loose on someone.” Great, now Bas was going to encourage it?

“I don’t care. It’s not an excuse. He’s like a damn six year old acting out and throwing a tantrum.”

“Hey, you talking about me?” Kyden’s voice was the final straw and I snapped. I stood and turned to face him down, not intimidated by the scathing look he sent my way. I marched right over and got in his face. “You got something to say?” His condescending tone just added fuel to my already blazing anger.

“What is your problem?” I asked.

“You want to be a little more specific Princess?” That word came out like a sneer. “There’s so many ways I could answer that.” He looked me up and down and I was actually taken aback by the disgust on his face.

“Hey man, don’t,” Spade said. Bas and Ace were at his side and the other guys had stopped what they were doing to watch us intently. Bas put his hand on my shoulder, but I just shrugged it off.

“No, go ahead and answer. Tell me whatever it is you’re dying to get out.” I pushed and he pushed back

“Why? So you can shut down and hide behind your boy there,” he gestured at Bas. “While you bottle everything up inside and pretend you’re not a complete wreck? Sorry if that’s not how all of us handle our shit.”

“Ky. What the hell man? You’ve been a drunken asshole all week, and we haven’t said anything, but you’re going too far,” Ace warned.

“You listen to her fucked up shit for five minutes and then tell me you don’t need a drink or six,” He scoffed.

I lost it, I was so mad I expected steam to come out of my ears. “You think you know me? You think you have some deep insight into my life because I told you that stuff? You don’t know anything. You don’t know what it’s like to still wake up drenched in sweat trying to fight for your life after three years. You have no idea how it feels like to see a monster in the mirror, to have his eyes, to have any part of him.” I didn’t care who was hearing this. I was just so tired of everyone else getting to react, while I tried to keep my cool. For once, I wanted to say what I felt when I felt it without holding back, so that’s what I did.

“You don’t think I get pissed off, that I don’t want to hurt them? Drowning in alcohol, putting my fist in someone’s face, is that what’s going to make it all better?” I took a couple steps forward so my face was only inches away from his and I lowered my voice so he was the only one who could hear me.

“Is that going to help me forget that I was almost raped and killed? Will that take away the pain of having my father laugh at me like some silly child when I tried to tell him about it? Do the booze, fighting and meaningless sex have the answers? Will they tell me why I didn’t deserve to be loved or cherished or protected? Will they fix all my problems? How’s it working for you?” He didn’t say a damn word, just stood there. “I’m not the only screwed up one,” I tossed at him. His face was expressionless, the smug grin finally wiped away, but it wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be.

I stepped back and, without giving him another look, I turned and walked off the stage. I wasn’t angry anymore. I didn’t know what I was, except that I had no desire to stay there. I was no longer in the mood for any celebrating and I especially didn’t want to watch Kyden up on that stage doing his thing.

“Hey, slow down Jazz.” I didn’t. “Come on, just stop for a second and talk to me.” His hand gripped my shoulder and stopped me in my tracks. I turned around and met his worried eyes.

“Bas really, not now. I don’t feel like talking about my feelings.”

“Okay, but where are you going?”

“Back to the house. I don’t want to be here,” I sighed.

“Okay then we’ll both go back.”

“No we won’t. You’re staying here. You love this and you look forward to the fireworks all year, at least you used to. I promise I’m not going to have a breakdown, I’m just a little worked up and I don’t want to be around him or really anyone right now.”

“You want to tell me what you said to him back there at the end?”

“Nope.”

“You’re really going to be this stubborn and not let me go with you?” I smiled and he sighed knowing he wouldn’t be able to change my mind. “Fine but call me when you get back and you are going to lock every single door and window and you will keep your cell phone on you at all times so that I can call you every four and a half minutes.”

“Really, four and a half?”

He grinned down at me. “You will just have to deal with it if you want me to let you go back alone.” I rolled my eyes but in the end I agreed he could call and text to check on me as often as he wanted. I sent him a text the second I walked in the front door and assured him I locked up and set the alarm behind me.

I was still a little on edge from the confrontation with Kyden; I’d had plenty of time to stew in it on the bus ride back. In the moment it felt good to take him down a notch. Now it didn’t feel so good, it didn’t make anything hurt less and I was still on this roller coaster ride of emotions, and it wasn’t one of those kiddie rides either. No it was one that takes you up two hundred feet and then drops you down into a blitz of twists, turns, corkscrews and loops. Then just when you think the ride is about to come to an end, they send you around to do it all over again. Afterward you feel like throwing up.

I was exhausted from it, from caring what he thought. I didn’t know why I ever believed he mattered enough to worry about it. I saw this coming, but had hoped I was wrong, that I had misjudged him. Instead he proved me right. I didn’t need him though. I needed Bas and Vi. I needed Sadie, Chris, Shane and Izzy. At this point I might even throw Ace into that mix, but in no way did I need Kyden.

The cut of his words was replaced by an even deeper resolve to clear my head of him. He did me a favor, or so I told myself over and over. After all, as he so eloquently put it, I had a lot of effed up stuff in my life and I didn’t need him adding to it.

I threw on comfy sweatpants, a tank top and wasted the day watching clichéd Lifetime movies until I was actually embarrassed at the amount of time I lost to the backstabbing housewives, pregnant teens and mystery murderers.

True to his word, Bas called and texted regularly. Not every four and a half minutes, thankfully. After the fifth time and I was still watching Lifetime movies, I lied and said I was practicing yoga, but he just laughed and told me to turn the movie off, warning me that too much Lifetime would rot my brain. I should’ve gone with something more convincing, like baking. He was right though, if I didn’t pry myself away from the TV I was going to digress into one of those troubled young girls that go off the deep end.

I decided to take on the baking idea and made a huge batch of chocolate chip cookies and blueberry muffins. I think more flour made it onto my body and in my hair than it did into the actual batters. For some reason, okay not just some reason, I was especially flustered and I took it out on the bag of flour. By the time I cleaned up the powdery mess spread all over the kitchen, I was past the point of exhaustion.

It was after midnight, but I knew fireworks would be going off steadily for at least another hour, probably longer. As tired as I was, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with all the noise. I decided instead to run myself a hot bubble bath. I had been looking forward to taking advantage of the luxurious jetted tub in our, I mean my, bathroom.

I sunk down beneath the bubbles and let the stress ease out of my muscles. Getting so worked up had taken its toll on my body physically as well. I felt the tension leave my body as the heat spread throughout it. There was almost nothing more relaxing and soothing than soaking in a hot bath.

By the time I drug my weary limbs from the tub, the bubbles had long past dissipated and the water was barely lukewarm, but it had done its job and there was no way any amount of fireworks or commotion would be keeping me awake. I think I was asleep on my feet before I even made it back to the bed and laid down. By the time my head hit the pillow I was already well on my way to the deepest stages of sleep.

I had the sweetest dream that sometime in the middle of the night a hard, warm body climbed into the bed next to me and pulled me into him. My body curled perfectly into his. When he pressed a kiss to the back of my shoulder the cold metal of his lip ring against my warm skin sent a shiver down my back. He tucked his arm around my waist and his thumb traced slow circles on my stomach while he continued to trail light kisses all the way up my shoulder. Mmm. That feels so good. And so real. If I didn’t know without a doubt that it wasn’t possible, I would’ve sworn Kyden really was in the bed next to me.

I never wanted to wake up from this dream. Even dream me knew I shouldn’t like it, shouldn’t want him, but that didn’t stop me from tilting my head to give him better access. When he took my earlobe between his lips and nibbled it gently, I was pretty sure I let out a feminine sigh of satisfaction, which elicited a deep groan from him in return. It was definitely the most vivid dream I’d ever had and I let my entire body relax into his warmth instead of fighting it. It was also the best night’s sleep I’d had in a while.

Chapter 21

I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across my face when I woke with pleasant thoughts of last night’s dream running through my mind. I lay there, refusing to open my eyes, not quite ready to let go of it. I even convinced myself I could smell the fresh and masculine scent that made my senses tingle and was purely him. I inhaled deeply and let out a groan.

“Mmmm.”

I must have still been half asleep because I thought I heard him groan as well. Then the bed dipped beside me and it didn’t feel like a dream at all anymore. It felt real. A little too real. Someone, well not just someone, I had a pretty good guess who, was definitely in the bed with me. I froze. What do I do?

I didn’t know whether to sit up and demand to know what he was doing in my bed, or if I should just lay there a while longer and pretend to still be asleep in hopes that he would leave. I went with that one. I tried to slow down my breathing and relax my body.

“I know you’re awake Princess, so you might as well just open your eyes.”

Guess that didn’t work.

I groaned again, that time it wasn’t out of contentment, but annoyance. I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. He was on his side staring back at me, an unreadable expression on his face.

“Ugh. I thought I was just having a nightmare, but turns out it was real.”

He was unphased by my cutting remark. “Didn’t seem like a nightmare, Princess.” If anything he seemed pleased by it, which only infuriated me further. He reached forward and brushed a lock of untamed hair out of my face. I jerked away from his touch. It was one thing to give in to a dream for a night, or what I thought was a dream. It was different to be lying here in the light of the day, facing him after everything he said to me; the way he hurt me. I wanted to know what was wrong with him. My money was on some extreme bipolar disorder. That was the only explanation I could come up with for the one eighty in his behavior.

“Why are you here? You need to get the hell out now.”

His entire demeanor changed. All of the playfulness and sarcasm disappeared. “I need to apologize to you for yesterday.” He looked away from me and ran a hand through his already messy hair. He let out a deep breath then brought his eyes back to mine. I could see regret in his. “I need to apologize for more than just yesterday. I’ve let you down in a lot of ways.

“Really? You think?”

“Look, I’m sorry. I acted like an asshole. You trusted me like I asked you to and then I didn’t handle it well at all. I’m sorry that I lost it, I’m sorry for everything that I said.” His apology was sincere, but it wasn’t enough.

“I can understand that it wasn’t easy to hear those things, that it was a lot to ask you to accept, but you didn’t just lose it. You were vicious. You treated me like some clingy whore you were dismissing.”

He winced, but couldn’t deny that it was true. “I know,” he sighed. “There’s nothing I can say that will excuse it, but let me try to explain.” He looked at me hopefully. I wondered how many times he used those magnetic green eyes and got his way with just a look. Curse that face, it was going to work on me as well.

“Fine,” I gave him the go ahead and waited for him to speak.

“It was never about me not accepting you, or being mad at you. So don’t think that.”

“That’s not how it seemed.”

“Please just let me finish.”

“Okay,” I relented.

“I don’t do this, this caring about people shit, not very well anyway. The moment I met you I wanted you under me and that was it. When you turned me down, repeatedly,” he grinned and I rolled my eyes. “I saw it as a challenge, one I was determined to win. I lied when I agreed to be your friend. I never wanted to be your friend.”

This was supposed to make me feel better, to be less angry with him? I glared at him.

“I know, I know. That makes me a dick, but I just didn’t care. It’s never mattered to me before. That’s not true anymore. I care. I fucking care a lot and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what to do with any of these things I feel for you. You’ve been through hell, and I have no idea how to be the kind of friend you need, because you deserve better. All I want to do is kill that son of a-” I glared at him again.

“Sorry, but that’s just it, I swear and drink and I like sex. I’m a jackass and I’m fine with that, or at least I was. You asked me yesterday if the alcohol and girls were helping.” He looked at me solemnly. “They’re not. Not anymore. I want to kill Connor and your dad and everyone who hurt you, but I don’t know how to help you. I don’t know how to be here for you. Instead of trying, I acted like an asshole. It’d be easier if you just hated me. At least that’s what I thought, but fuck I don’t want you to hate me.”

As far as apologies went it wasn’t the greatest, but then I don’t imagine too many people are ever graced with a Kyden McCabe apology. I still didn’t know if I could trust him, but I didn’t hate him.

“I don’t hate you, but I don’t know what you want from me. You confuse the hell out of me, especially coming in here like you did last night and . . .”

“And what, Princess?” His signature grin was back.

“You know what. You were touching me.”

“Way to make me sound like some pervert.”

“You know what I’m talking about,” my frustration and anger was getting the best of me.

“No I don’t. I wasn’t in here last night. I came in here about half an hour ago to see if you were awake yet.”

What? No way. I knew he was in here last night. It wasn’t a dream. “No, you were in here. It wasn’t a dream.” He had to be messing with me.

“What wasn’t a dream? Were you dreaming about me last night Princess?” I felt my face heat up. Did I dream it all? I really didn’t know anymore.

“You really didn’t come in here at all last night?” I narrowed my eyes at him skeptically.

“Yeah, I did.” His face was lit with amusement.

“Really, you thought it was a good idea to mess with me after just apologizing?” I snapped at him.

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist. You’re cute when you’re flustered.”

“You’re a dick.”

“I thought we already established that. Are you seriously pissed at me again?”

“No, but I am confused and would like an explanation for why you came in here last night?” I shifted my gaze to where my hands were fidgeting with the sheet pulled up over my lap. I couldn’t look at him without getting embarrassed thinking of the night before.

“The only one I’ve got is I was drunk. I talked to the guys after you left, more like they had an intervention and threatened to kick my ass and then we worked some stuff out. I felt like shit for how I treated you, and for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to rush up here as soon as we got back so I could apologize. You looked too peaceful to wake up, and like I said, I was drunk. I couldn’t help myself. I probably shouldn’t have gotten into the bed with you.” I looked over at him and raised my eyebrows. “Okay I shouldn’t have gotten into the bed with you. I’m sorry.”

“You keep saying you’re sorry, but your excuses aren’t gonna cut it anymore. I can’t play these games. What exactly is it you want?”

“I want to give the whole ‘friends’ thing a shot. A real shot.”

I couldn’t help but still be skeptical. “Thought you said that you didn’t know how to be my friend? That it was too much for you?”

He dropped his head and ran his hands through those gorgeous locks, leaving him looking even more unruly in a dangerously sexy kind of way.

“I don’t, and you’d be smart to tell me to fu- I mean ef off. I like you and there is something between us, but you were right when you said you weren’t the only one with shit to deal with. I’m not a good guy. I’ll never be a good guy and that’s what you deserve. I’ll probably suck at being your friend too, but I want to try if you’ll give me a chance. ”

He was right, I should have told him to ef off, but I couldn’t. “Friends? Seriously this time?”

“Seriously. I promise no more bull shit. I won’t lose it again, and I won’t play anymore games. I won’t try to sleep with you, that’s not what I want anymore. Last night was a drunken lapse in judgment. It won’t happen again.”

I should’ve felt relieved. That’s what I’d wanted from the beginning, to be friends, no complications. It was different when I was the one making that decision though. I didn’t want him trying to seduce me, but stupidly, it felt nice to be wanted. Maybe that’s why his words stabbed at my heart. It was better for both of us this way though, so it was time to suck it up and be a big girl, and ignore the aching feeling in my gut.

“Okay. Friends then.” Anyone really close to me would know that my voice was just a little too high, and I was speaking just a little too fast. Thankfully Kyden didn’t notice anything off. “Does this mean you’re going to stop calling me Princess?”

“Not a chance.” He grinned. “I’m still me. I can’t turn that off.” He proved his point by leaning in real close. Too close. His face only inches from mine. I could see the flecks of gold swirled through the emerald of his eyes. I could get lost looking into them. His hand came up, startling me and he ran his fingers through my messy locks and the wide smile on his face let me know that, despite the shaky truce we’d just established, there were some things that wouldn’t change.

“Time to get up, we’re going to have fun today!” He hopped off the bed and yanked the covers away. I think I wanted moody Kyden back.

“Fun?” I tried to pull the covers back and bury myself under them, but he wasn’t having it.

“Yes, and this is your warning Princess, you better be downstairs in five, or I’m coming for you,” he said, clearly enjoying himself. I picked up a pillow and tossed it at his back as he walked out of the room. He just chuckled and reiterated his warning, “Five minutes.” He shut the door behind him.

I looked at the clock on my cell phone, it was only nine. Ugh. Well I would show him. I got up and pressed the lock on the door handle and then plopped back down on the bed, pulling the covers up over my head. He could just take his five minutes and shove it. I would get up when I was good and ready. I closed my eyes and tried to fall back asleep.

What if he knows how to pick a lock? He probably doesn’t . . . he probably does.

What if Vi gives him the key? She wouldn’t . . . she would.

With another frustrated groan, I slid out of bed and shuffled through the dresser drawers. The bright sun was already peaking through the curtains so I grabbed the first pair of shorts I found and my black Beauty and the Beast t-shirt that had “A Tale as Old as Time” printed across it and an enchanted rose losing petals. It was my favorite Disney movie of all time. Belle was super smart and kind and a little awkward but she didn’t care what anyone else thought about her. She fell for the prince when he was still a hideous jerk because she saw past his appearances to the good underneath. It was all about true love and redemption.

I always felt like she was the princess I could relate to the most. I laughed unpleasantly realizing how much more I could relate now, with the whole falling for a jerk. Then I froze, half way to the bathroom. I was not living in a fairy tale. I was not in love with Ky. I needed a psych evaluation for even entertaining such ridiculous thoughts. I turned around and forcefully yanked the drawer open and grabbed a different shirt. If that fairytale was now ruined for me, I was going to smother him in his sleep, assuming I survived whatever “fun” he had planned for today. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to know what was in store for me downstairs, but I did know what was in store for me if I tried to hide out in here. No way was I letting him come up after me.

Dressed in a Transformers t-shirt that didn’t make me think of Kyden at all, I walked toward the kitchen where I could hear the sounds of life. From the level of noise, I guessed that I was one of the last to rise. What is wrong with these people, haven’t they ever heard of sleeping in? Were they not all out late last night?

“Cutting it close Princess. I was looking forward to dragging you down here.” Ky winked and then went back to chopping whatever was on the counter in front of him. I ignored him and went to take a seat next to Vi.

“Mmm, will you marry me Rainbow?”

Confused, I stopped halfway to the island where Spade was sitting with Bas, Chris and Vi. “Excuse me?” I asked him

“These muffins and cookies are the shit. I’ll hand over all my credit cards and bank info and buy you any diamond you want, if you promise to bake for me every day for the rest of my life.” I just shook my head and laughed. “Was that a yes?” he asked between bites of muffin.

“No.”

“Well, was it a no?”

“No,” I answered, teasing him with a big smile.

“So you’ll think about it?” He reached into the container for another muffin.

“Hey you better have saved some of those for me dickhead.” Ace appeared from the living room and raided the Tupperware for his own muffin. Maybe I should have made a bigger batch. I would try to remember to bake for them more often if it made them this happy.

“Hey, get the fuck away from my muffins. You already had four cookies,” Spade barked out and snatched the muffin right out of Ace’s grasp.

“I’ll just grab another one dumbass.” Ace turned to reach for replacement muffin, but Spade shoved him in the opposite direction. Ace responded by trying to get Spade in a headlock. That resulted in them wrestling through the kitchen. While they were both distracted, Bas and Chris took the opportunity to grab muffins, but as stealthy as they thought they were being, their actions didn’t go unnoticed.

“Hey douche bags, those are our fucking muffins.” Ace stopped trying to tackle Spade to the ground and glared at Bas and Chris. He and Spade both completely forgot about the all-out brawl they were having ten seconds ago and were now united against the muffin snatching brothers.

“Hey guys, I can just bake more for you to take home with you,” I interrupted before it turned into a tag team match. Guys could be so ridiculous sometimes.

“Really?” They both looked at me like I had just offered them sexual favors, in fact I’m not even sure they would have looked quite that excited if I had.

“Yeah, it’s not a big deal.”

“Actually, Princess, it is. We’ve got plans today. Sorry guys, she’s not going to have any time to bake for you.” They groaned their disappointment and went back to squabbling over what remained of the cookies and muffins.

“Plans? You and me?” Nobody seemed to find it strange either, that we were talking and he was making plans for me, as if they hadn’t witnessed him humiliating me yesterday. I shot Bas a questioning look, but he just brushed it off and tried to hide his smile by taking a bite out of the muffin he had in his hand, but I still caught it.

“Not just you and me, so sit down.”

I was curious, but he wouldn’t tell me more. He pulled out a stool at the bar for me and then set a tray of fresh fruit, yogurt, granola and . . . “Peanut butter?” I looked at him, surprised.

“Yeah, I thought it sounded weird as hell, but Bas said I needed to put it on there.” I picked up a slice of mango and dipped it into the thick spread. I savored the sweet and salty combination in my mouth, while Kyden watched me, his face a mixture of amusement and disgust.

“You eat strange shit Princess.” He went over to the fridge, pulled out the orange juice and poured me a glass.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, still trying to figure out what he was playing at this morning. Instead of sitting down or getting his own food he stood there watching me eat. It was a little unnerving, and I suddenly felt self-conscious eating in front of him.

“Aren’t you going to eat something?” I asked him, hoping he would take the hint and quit standing over me. He reached his hand down, plucked strawberry off my plate and dipped it in the peanut butter and then the granola, but then, instead of bringing it up to his own mouth like I thought he would do, he touched the strawberry to my lips and held it there until I opened and bit into the juicy berry. I don’t know what made my heart rate pick up more, him feeding me, or when he put his mouth around the remaining half of the berry, where my lips had just been.

“Tasty, Princess.”

I coughed, trying not to choke on the bite I was swallowing. Two words and I was ready to put on a ridiculous outfit, fan him with a palm frond and hand feed him grapes all day if he asked. If I stared at his mouth any longer, my traitorous body would betray the appearance of indifference I was trying to maintain. I quickly diverted my gaze from his lips, but wasn’t any more comforted by what I saw when I looked away. So much for hoping no one noticed my embarrassment. Bas and everyone else were watching us intently. Bas wasn’t trying to hide his grin this time and I really, really wanted to wipe it off his face.

I could tell today was going to be one of those days I wished I had just stayed in bed. The jury was still out on whether or not this new friendship with Kyden was going to be a good thing. I was going to get whiplash trying to keep up with the different facets of his personality. I never knew what was coming next.

My embarrassment only grew when Ace and Spade started mockingly serving bits of muffin into each other’s mouths. My cheeks were sufficiently reddened. Kyden abruptly pulled away from me and went about fixing his own food. Seemed I wasn’t the only one embarrassed about being observed, or maybe he just realized hand feeding wasn’t something ‘just friends’ usually did for each other.

“When you’re done, grab a jacket and your book. We’re going out on the water,” he casually informed me. I almost argued. The stubborn part of me didn’t like being told what to do. What if I wanted to do something else today? I didn’t. Since it was our last day here I did really want to spend some time out on the boat, but he didn’t know that. If this was going to work, though, he would have to learn to check that domineering attitude. I didn’t take orders well, even if his intent was to do something nice for me, but I didn’t argue with him. This time.

Bas finished his food and disappeared from the kitchen. I popped one last strawberry in my mouth and got up to follow him. I stopped him at the foot of the stairs.

“Can I trust him Bas?” Ky’s apology was fine and I was ready to forgive and move on, even give this friendship a chance, but I wasn’t objective when it came to Kyden. I hated to admit it, but I knew Bas would be honest with me. I needed to know if I was making a mistake.

“Trust him how?” Bas always saw more than I wanted him to. “He cares about you Jazz. That’s obvious to every single one of us, but he’s still got a lot of his own stuff to work through before you two should –”

“That’s not what I meant,” I cut him off. “There’s nothing going on between us. He just wants to be friends. That’s all I want too. I just want to make sure he’s not going to lose it again. Am I making a mistake being friends with him? I can’t deal with anyone else I care about hurting me like that again.”

“Yeah, sure Jazz.” I knew he didn’t completely buy it. I didn’t even buy it entirely. He didn’t push though. “He knows he blew it big time with you, but that’s not who he is. Not really. There’s a lot about him you don’t know, but he can be a good friend. You’re not making a mistake giving him a chance. He’s not the easiest person in the world, but yeah, you can trust him.”

Chapter 22

It’d been way too long since I was out on the water. There’s nothing like skimming the waves and feeling the ocean breeze on your face while the sun shines down on you. We stayed out there the rest of the morning and well into the afternoon. Bas, Vi and Jake went with us and we were all reluctant to return to shore. The ocean is a wild and unpredictable force of nature, but there’s also something so peaceful and relaxing about it. I could have read out there all day.

It was after two o’clock when we pulled the boat back into the cove. The four guys were lounging around on the dock when Bas steered it over to the launch area. Kyden helped Vi and I hop out while Jake ran to grab the trailer and truck so they could get the boat back into the shed. Chris and Ace came over to help with the boat. The breeze coming off the water had died down and it was definitely the hottest day we’d seen yet. All I wanted to do was launch myself off the dock into the cool, tempting water.

Vi read my mind. “Go get your suit on.” She was already pulling off the tank she had on over her bikini top. I ran in the house and up the stairs to my room. I dug the blue one piece swimsuit I’d packed out of the drawer I stuffed it in the first day, and stripped off my clothes. I pulled the suit on, then slipped back into my shorts and slid my feet into a pair of flip flops before racing back out the door.

The hot sun beat down on my bare shoulders as I made my way back over to the dock. The guys had finished storing the boat and were all out on the dock or in the water. When I got there Kyden’s back was to me, swim trunks hanging low on his hips and his shirt discarded somewhere. All that tanned, smooth skin was much too enticing, even from behind, especially the ink that covered two thirds of his back. It wasn’t the first time I’d caught a glimpse of the impressive art work, but it was the first chance I’d had to really admire it.

The tattoo was of a man down on one knee, with his arms folded across his chest, situated on top of the knee that was up. His head was bowed and resting against his arms so that the face wasn’t visible. The man was completely naked, but shadows kept the image from being obscene. The part of the tattoo that drew most of my attention wasn’t the man himself, but the giant pair of wings that extended from his back and over his shoulders. They wrapped around him, providing a shelter. It was obviously an angel, but the impression it gave was dark and grim, rather than heavenly. I could almost feel the brokenness and pain that it emanated. Fallen angel, that’s what I would call it.

The entire piece stretched from shoulder to shoulder, and the tips of the wings came down to his lower back. It was beautiful and tragic at the same time. I wondered about the story behind that specific piece, why Kyden had chosen it. I was more curious than ever about his past and I desperately wanted to be someone that he would confide in, someone that he would trust with his secrets, his fears and his dreams. I wanted to know him from the inside out. My face flushed with the intimate thoughts I was having. Heat stroke, that’s what it was. The sun was messing with my head. Can you get heat stroke after only five minutes?

“No Princess.” For a second I thought Kyden was answering my thoughts, but that was impossible. While I was lost in my head, he had turned around and was looking at me in a disapprovingly. I was confused as to what I could have done too earn that look.

“No, what?” I asked with all of the uncertainty and hesitation that I felt.

“No more hiding.” His voice was hard and resolute, but his eyes were soft as they penetrated my defenses. They flitted briefly to my torso before coming back up to my face and I knew what he was saying. He was asking too much of me though. I looked down and away from his demanding gaze.

“Look at me Princess.” When I refused he stepped forward and used his fingers to lift my chin. “You’re fucking perfect. A couple of scars don’t change that.”

“But they’re hideous,” I choked out.

“Nothing about you could ever be hideous.” I felt the wetness trying to escape my eyes. There was so much sincerity and tenderness in his voice that I wanted to wrap myself in it. “You don’t have to show the world,” he said, “but here, with us, no hiding.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can.”

“I mean I didn’t bring . . . This is all I have.”

“Come on.” He took my hand and led me back into the house.

“I’m not going out there in my underwear.”

He just chuckled as we stepped through the door. “I’m not asking you to.” He reached for a bag that was sitting on the entryway bench. “Here.” He handed me the small bag.

I opened it up and inside was as simple but cute, sea foam green bikini. I looked back up at him surprised. “When did you get this?”

“That first morning. After I saw the scars and took off, I ended up in town. I was pissed and I’ll admit a little crazy. I saw it inside one of the shops and I knew you had lied about why you wouldn’t wear a swimsuit. It was either buy it for you or put my fist through something. If you really don’t like it, you don’t have to wear it, but you shouldn’t not wear it because you’re ashamed of the scars.”

It was a little crazy, but mostly it was sweet and thoughtful. I pulled the swim suit from the bag and held it up. The thought of putting it on and baring everything had my stomach in knots, but I would do it because I believed him when he told me he didn’t think my scars were ugly. I would do it because when he looked at me encouragingly, with hopefulness in his eyes, I didn’t want to disappoint him. More than that, I trusted him. I trusted all of them not to make me feel like a freak.

I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom staring at the scars that were on display. The small scraps of fabric weren’t much better than underwear. It was actually modest for a bikini, but that wasn’t saying much. Nobody had seen me this exposed in a very long time. I didn’t know if I really had the guts to walk out there.

Even the scars that came up the inside of my thighs were visible. I hated looking at my body and usually avoided it when I dressed. I was disfigured and I couldn’t imagine anyone thinking my body was beautiful after seeing these scars, but maybe I was wrong. Kyden gave me hope that I was, so I slipped my flip flops back on and once again made my way outside to the water.

When I first stepped out onto the dock all eyes turned to me and I saw the struggle on their faces, to hang on to their composure, especially once they spotted the lower scars. I wanted to run back in the house, or grab a towel and cover up, but I didn’t, and after their initial reaction, none of them made me feel awkward or uncomfortable. It was difficult to be so exposed in front of them, but not as bad as I thought it would be.

“Stunning Rainbow. Love the tat, glad I finally got the chance to see it.” He eyed the piece of art that went up the right side of my stomach. It was the helm of a ship and an anchor with roses and the words “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” I got it six months after moving to Portland. I’d started self defense classes and had finally opened up to Sadie. For the first time up to that point, I finally felt in control of my life, like I wasn’t just surviving.

“I vote that you walk around like that all the time from now on.” Spade winked.

“I’ll second that,” Ace agreed, just before shoving Spade off the dock. He came up sputtering and threatening Ace, who just laughed and then jumped in himself. I wasn’t about to be tossed in this time, so I followed after Ace and jumped in on my own. Being in the water helped relieve the remaining anxiety I felt. It didn’t take long before everyone was in the water enjoying the reprieve from the heat and I wasn’t thinking about my scars anymore.

Most of my thoughts were stuck on the devastatingly gorgeous male who continued to surprise me, making it harder and harder to keep my thoughts from straying beyond the boundaries of friendship. He, on the other hand, was really was sticking to his promise to be just my friend. He was considerate and respectful and didn’t flirt with me at all. It was nice. I hated it.

I was relieved when he went back to the city that evening with Ace, Danny and Spade. I needed some space from him and that devilish smile. The rest of us would be going back in the morning, so that I would have time to pick up my car and get ready for my interview in the afternoon.

Even after the sun had gone down, it was still warm outside, so I grabbed a book and claimed the hammock out on the deck. I didn’t know what the others were doing, but I enjoyed the quiet, until it was interrupted.

“Hey.”

I looked up from my book. Vi was leaning against the door frame, but she stepped out onto the deck and joined me on the hammock. “Scoot over.”

I closed my book and tried to shift closer to the edge without falling out while Vi maneuvered herself next to me. Once we had it balanced so neither of us would end up being dumped onto the ground, we rested our heads together.

“What’s up?” I asked her. She had that look in her eye and I knew she had a reason for being out here.

“Just wanted to check on you. See how you’re holding up. This was supposed to be a break from the crazy, but it’s been a pretty trying couple days for you.”

“I’m fine,” I tried to reassure her, but she wasn’t having it.

“Don’t give me that ‘I’m fine’ crap. Talk to me. I was ready to commit murder last night after Bas told me what happened. Now you and Ky seem fine. How are you dealing with it all? Did you two kiss and make up?”

I lifted my head and shot her a look. “There was no kissing.”

“Maybe you would have preferred if there was . . .”

“No. Definitely not. We’re finally friends and that’s it,” I insisted.

“I know, but I also remember the nice chat we had on the dock. You admitted to having feelings for him. Then he went all asshole, and you didn’t want anything to do with him and now you guys are supposed to be friends again. Come on, I’ve got a head ache just thinking about it. You have to be dizzy from it all. I would understand if you didn’t know how to feel about it all, about him.”

Dizzy was an understatement if I was really being honest. “I know how I should feel, how I want to feel. There’s no future for the two of us except friendship, if we can even manage to pull that off. We finally have an understanding and agree on that, but I can’t help but feel . . .”

“Disappointed?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I know it doesn’t make any sense. I’m pretty sure I’m losing my mind.”

“We all lose our minds over a guy at some point or another,” she reasoned, but it didn’t do all that much to comfort me. I didn’t want to lose my mind over him or any guy.

“I just want someone . . . who won’t hurt me. I want to feel safe and loved.”

“That’s all any of us want.”

“It wouldn’t hurt if he was gorgeous, kind, funny and rich. I mean is that too much to ask?” I joked. “Prince Charming, that’s all I want.” The hammock shook with our laughter.

“No, that’s not too much at all.” Her sarcasm wasn’t reassuring. “Kyden definitely doesn’t fit the Prince Charming mold, that’s for sure.”

“No, he’s Charming’s wicked cousin.” Wicked, and dangerous to girls with fairy tale dreams. He wouldn’t swoop in on a white horse. He’d speed off on a black motorcycle.

“Maybe you should ask him if he has any hot cousins.” We both broke out in another fit of giggles.

“That would go over well, I’m sure.”

“You’re right. Probably shouldn’t do that. He’s out there though Jax, somewhere.”

Somewhere.

Lord, wherever he is, please watch over him. Help me to become the person who’s going to be worthy of him. Please show me what to do, so I don’t give my heart to someone who isn’t worthy of it.

“He is worthy. He just doesn’t know it yet,” my heart whispered, refusing to give up or let go.

“I think I’m in trouble Vi,” I confided.

“Sweetheart, the entire female population as a whole was in trouble the day that boy was born.” That was the truth and part of the problem. I was just one of hundreds of girls who found Kyden McCabe irresistible. I needed to work harder at resisting. “It will all work out though, if anyone deserves to find a happily ever after, it’s you.”

“Thanks. I really want to believe that.” More than anything I wanted her words to be true.

“Then believe it, and no matter what I’m going to be here.” I didn’t know what I’d do without her. There were some things that no matter how close Bas and I were, he would never understand as well as Vi because he wasn’t a girl. He didn’t know what it was like to be one, to hurt like one.

Vi and I laid in the hammock talking about the most random things until Bas and Jake came out on the deck carrying plates of food for dinner. We ate outside and watched the sun go down over the water. I was sad that it was our last night, but I was also looking forward to going home. I couldn’t hide forever. Reality was waiting for me and I needed to get back to it, no matter how chaotic it could get and no matter how scared I was.

My thoughts were all over the place when I climbed into bed late that night. Connor, Kyden, Bas and Lissa . . . I couldn’t stop it and I didn’t know what to do about any of them, except trust, like Vi said that it would all work out.

Lord, I can’t see the bigger picture here. Everything looks like a mess to me. I’m told to trust you, to have faith, and I want to so badly. I’m just not sure if I know how.

My body finally found rest with desperate prayers still on my lips. I was praying a lot lately, it felt like all I could do, but in the morning things didn’t seem so bleak. I was embracing the new feeling of hope I woke with. Faith, trust and pixie dust, minus the pixie dust. That was my new philosophy. Not entirely original, but I was going with it. If I wanted to make it through whatever was coming next, because there would always be something, that’s just life, I had to hang on to the belief in something bigger than me. I had to believe that there was a reason for everything that was being thrown at me. That something good could from all of the bad.

Chapter 23

The interview on Friday at Renwick Jamison Gallery of Art turned out to be little more than a formality. Carla, my former boss, had given me a great recommendation before I even walked in. Erik Renwick offered me the position on the spot himself and asked if I’d be ready to start on Monday.

Renwick Jamison was slightly bigger than the gallery in Portland and they not only dealt with local up and comers, which was primarily what we had dealt with in Portland, but they also featured some very well-known artists from around the country and even a few international artists.

Working with the high end showings would be a new experience for me, but I was excited that Mr. Renwick trusted me with the job. It was an amazing opportunity for me. It almost overshadowed everything else. Almost.

My first week went better than I hoped and I was feeling more confident and content than I had in a while. I had a job that I knew I was going to love, and not only that, but it provided a distraction for me from worrying about Connor and trying not to think about Kyden. I failed more at the last one.

He’d texted a few times throughout the week to check in and congratulate me on the job, but I hadn’t seen him since last Thursday when he left the cape house. I would see him tonight though. It was Friday and the band was playing in Springfield. The rest of our group was going to watch them and celebrate my first week.

I was on my way home from the gallery so I could change before Bas and I met up with Vi and Jake so we could all ride together and get dinner before the show. Once I was back at the house, I quickly changed; trading the pencil skirt I wore to work for a pair of tight black skinny jeans. I threw a sheer green, sleeveless blouse on over the top of a darker tank top and added a little bit more kohl and shadow to create a smoky eye. I pulled the pins from my hair shaking out the low chignon and letting my hair fall in loose waves around my face. The last step was to slip into a pair of four inch emerald green stiletto pumps and grab my leather jacket.

When I came downstairs, Vi and Jake were in the kitchen pre-gaming with Bas. Vi looked gorgeous as always in a tight little, dark purple dress and silver heels that had to be an inch higher than my own. The boys both looked good in their dark jeans. Bas had on a slim fit black v neck and Jake was in a long sleeved, plaid button up. If they weren’t both taken, the girls would’ve been in trouble tonight.

Technically Bas was single, really he was just stubborn. He still hadn’t spoken to Lissa, but he was still hurting and missing her. I was finally going to try to something about that on Sunday, when he went his Mom’s for a dinner party. Until then, all I wanted was one night out without something going wrong.

The drive to Springfield took us just under two hours and when we pulled up to the restaurant we’d decided on, we had almost another two hours before the guys went on at ten. They were already at the venue, so it was just the four of us for dinner. We’d picked a little Mexican place not far from the show. They had good food and cheap drinks. By the time we left, we were all full and the three of them were pretty buzzed. Vi and Jake both got ‘friendly’ with a little alcohol so they had a hard time keeping their hands off each other in the car. Bas wasn’t drunk yet, but he was feeling good and in a playful mood as well. It was infectious and I was smiling and laughing with them when we got to the address Chris had given us.

He met us at a side door so that we could slip in for free. There was still half an hour before they took the stage. Whoever played before them was still on. I could hear the upbeat music reverberating through the walls. Chris led us down a narrow hallway to a door that opened up just right of the stage and then he left us to go get ready with the rest of the band.

The space looked like a giant warehouse, and there were people packed from one end to the other. There was a bar set up in the back and stairs on either side that led up to a second level balcony that wrapped around the back half of the room.

The music blaring through the room sounded really familiar, when I looked up on stage I realized why. Only, this time, it wasn’t just Kaylie and one other girl, but they had a full band behind them. I hated to admit that they were even better than when I first heard them. They had a unique sound that was bluesy rock with a little bit of folk. As much as I didn’t like the girl, I had to give her credit. She belonged up on that stage just as much as Ky and the guys.

We made our way through the sea of bodies toward the bar and pushed our way up to order drinks. Kaylie’s band played three more songs before they exited the stage. Equipment was switched and moved around and then the guys appeared. I felt the excitement and anticipation build in the room as the sound checks started. I knew that the majority of this crowd had to have either heard them play before or just heard of them. There was one more local band that would play after Ashes and Embers, but it was obvious that this was the performance everyone was waiting for. I felt sorry for the group that had to follow. It was poor planning on someone’s part. The energy level continued to climb until the guys took their final positions and Kyden leaned into the mic.

Girls were shoving forward to try and get as close to the stage as possible; it was like a mob up front. When the first notes rippled through the air, there were shouts of adoration. Kyden’s voice was as sultry as ever, and song after song was flawless. He worked the audience over like he was making love to them. The bodies were grinding on each other as they were swept up in the sensual haze of the music.

Their set for the night was predominantly original songs, intermixed with a few of their most popular covers. Vi pulled Jake out into the crowd to dance and Bas had consumed just enough alcohol that I was able to drag him out there as well. I felt the bass pulse through my body as my hips moved with the rhythm. Bas’ hands were on me, but not in a way that would’ve made any old ladies blush, unlike a lot of the couples on the floor.

It was freeing to just let go of everything except for the music. I let it wrap around me until there was nothing else, just the energy and feeling that the music created. The four of us moved and swayed to the beat until droplets of sweat ran down our skin and our hair and shirts were plastered to our bodies.

Nobody was ready for the final song to be played and when the guys finally left the stage they were followed by thunderous cheers and demands for an encore, which turned to disappointment when the next group took the stage. We used the break to re-hydrate while we waited for them to begin playing.

The name of the band on stage was Scene Not Heard and they were good, really good even, but had nothing on my guys. Their sound was a little more punk and alternative, but it still had great beats to dance to. As soon as it started we were back out there. I didn’t lose myself in the music the way I did before, but it was fun and that’s what I needed.

Half way through their set I felt like I was going to drop to the floor from exhaustion. I gave Bas the signal that I was going to get something to drink and then left the three of them out there. I managed to squeeze in at the bar and flag down one of the bartenders. I was waiting for him to bring me my water when I felt strong, warm hands on my shoulders. I turned to see Kyden smiling down at me. I was still buzzing with energy and excitement. Without thinking I launched myself up into his arms. I squeezed his neck and felt his chest vibrate with a deep laugh as his arms wrapped around my waist. “You guys were amazing. I’m so proud of you,” I shouted.

“Thanks Princess,” he shouted back. Then one arm released me and he leaned forward to reach for something behind me. A second later I felt something icy press into my back. I squealed from the shock and dropped my feet back down to the floor. He chuckled and handed me my bottle of water. I guzzled almost the entire bottle in one drink, and the finished it.

“Dance with me?” He asked. I nodded my head and let him lead me back out to where I had left the other three. Kyden danced as skillfully as he sang. It was effortless, like the music just flowed right through him as his body moved with mine.

He didn’t make any lascivious moves toward me. Our bodies were close enough that I could feel the heat coming off of him, but he was nothing less than a gentleman. Even when his hands rested on my hips and my heart rate sped up and heat spread through my body, he appeared completely unaffected.

I tried to block out all other feeling except the music, but it was too hard being so close to him. While I relished the moment of nearness, a part of me hoped to see just a flicker of something more in his eyes, but there was never anything more than friendly affection on his face. And then Kaylie cut in.

He gave me a quick hug but then the two of them wrapped around each other and I could see the fire burning in his gaze. My heart sunk down in to my stomach and I felt the disappointment like a punch to the gut. I wanted to look away from his hands on her hips and her lips on his neck, but as much as the image stung my eyes, I couldn’t help but watch.

I didn’t want to be jealous. I didn’t have the right to be jealous, but the bitterness wouldn’t leave me. It was ugly and ripped me open from the inside out. There was a brief flash when Ky’s eyes met mine and I thought I saw regret, but then it was gone and his attention was back on his dance partner.

Thankfully Bas was the only one to notice my anguish, or at least I hoped he was the only one who saw it. He pulled me away and forced me to stop watching the pair. He led me out the door on the back wall

“You okay?” He asked me once we stepped into the fresh air. It was just enough to clear my head and I realized I shouldn’t be upset. That was exactly what I needed to see, a healthy dose of reality. I couldn’t keep hanging onto the hope that he could be what I wanted, because he wasn’t ever going to be that. I’d known all along who he was, but had been foolish enough to forget that, or ignore it. I had to stop. Being Kyden’s friend was better than being his nothing. Eventually the desire and longing I felt would fade, because they were nothing more than a temporary infatuation. They couldn’t be more than that. I wouldn’t let them be more than that.

“Yeah, I’m fine. That was nothing.” I tried to brush it off, but Bas knew me way too well for that to work.

“It wasn’t nothing Jazz. You’re hurting. I just need you to tell me how much. Do I need to keep him away from you?” Once again Bas was trying to put himself between me and whatever was causing me pain. I couldn’t let him do that anymore.

“That’s not necessary. It’s just a little crush or whatever, but I know there’s nothing real between us. I’m human is all. I let a little jealousy get the better of me for a moment, but I know that I don’t actually want to be in her place. She might have him now, but in a couple of hours he’s going to be throwing her out until the next time he wants to use her body.”

Bas’ eyes were awash with sympathy and I wished that for once I could stop giving him reasons to worry about me. I promised myself that this was the last time I was going to let him see me react this way to Kyden.

“Look Jazz, he’s been through some shit. He’s never had much faith in people outside of his close friends. That especially goes for women. You’re the first girl that he hasn’t treated like a disposable pleasure toy, and even though you might not realize it, that’s a big deal. Even with Vi and Liss, he only tolerated them out of respect for me. You though, you got to him. You still get to him and I think he’s still trying to figure out what to do with that. So please just don’t hate him. Don’t let him affect you this way. He could still change.”

“Why do you always stick up for him Bas? Why are you so insistent that I keep giving him more chances? Do you just expect me to sit around waiting for him to turn into some other guy? Am I just supposed to watch him keep doing that?” I pointed back inside.

“No, not at all. I don’t want you to think I’m choosing between him and you, or making excuses for him. You’ve got feelings for him.” He wasn’t asking me, he was telling me. It was a fact. “Right now you’re smart not to pursue them, but I’m also going to ask that you don’t hold them against him. I don’t want to keep seeing you hurt every time he does this. You always look for the good in people, and you expect more from most of us because you have a good heart Jazz, and you truly believe that we’re capable of being better.” He paused and looked down at the ground before bringing his eyes back to mine and I caught the frustration in them. I knew there was a lot he was keeping from me. He knew things about Kyden, things he wasn’t going to share.

“Kyden is more than likely going to make an ass out of himself. Often. I just don’t want you to be disappointed and write him off when it happens. I think you’re friendship could really be good for him if you accept that he might never change. I hope that he does, we all do, but he might not. That doesn‘t make him a bad guy. He’s got a past, like we all do. It’s not a great one, but it’s not mine to share with you.”

“Believe me, I’m trying to accept it okay. I don’t expect him to change, that’s not what this is about. God help me, but I care about him just the way he is. It’s been difficult to come to terms with the fact that he and I could never make it work even if we both wanted to, but I am trying. I will deal with it.”

“I know you say it and you probably want to mean it, but I just want to make sure that you really do understand what you’re getting into, because being his friend isn’t easy. I don’t want to keep seeing you get crushed when he lets you down, and he will. You’d both be better off if you just walked away from this, from him, completely.” Bas made a good point. Was I really ready to deal with the endless string of girls in and out of his bed, the vulgar language, coarse behavior and all around disregard for the sanctity of what relationships and sex should be? Was I willing to recognize those things as a part of him and still care in spite of them?

He had his own brokenness and I didn’t have the right to judge him because of it. He needed someone to believe in him and not abandon him when he fell short. If he had issues with women, like Bas made it seem, then I was going to have to show him patience and grace even when it was hard for me to do so. I needed to care about him not just in spite of his short comings, but for them. It was an understatement when Bas said being his friend wouldn’t be easy. Thinking of him in this light, as someone who had been hurt, and looking beyond it, would make it that much harder to keep my heart from becoming more entangled than it already was. Yet, even knowing how difficult, and probably painful it was going to be for me, there really was only one decision I could make.

“I can handle it,” I promised Bas, and myself.

Chapter 24

I followed Bas back inside, and after searching the crowd we found Vi and Jake standing near one of the stairways in the back, talking with Chris and Danny. They had stopped serving drinks and the show was beginning to wind down. Some people were already filing out the doors as the last band neared the end of their set.

It was after midnight and I was definitely ready to go home. The long day and all the dancing was catching up with me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make the drive home, but I was the only sober one of us four.

I was standing quietly between Vi and Bas, not really listening to the guys talk about the show, when an excited Spade came over whooping and hollering. He drew the attention of several sets of eyes around us, but didn’t even notice, or just didn’t care. Something had him fired up.

“Time to quit our day jobs guys! SoundTrain was here tonight, they want us. They fucking want us!” he exclaimed. I had no idea what he was talking about, but from the look on the rest of the guys’ faces, it was a big deal.

Bas caught my confusion and clarified it for me. “SoundTrain is a major recording label. This could be huge for them if they get a deal.”

“More than huge, this could be fucking epic!” Spade was giddy like a kid on Christmas, and I couldn’t help but be excited for them, they deserved it.

“When did you talk to them? What exactly did they say?” Chris asked eagerly.

“Two guys from the label approached me, Kyden and Ace just a minute ago. They came here to check out all three bands playing, but they said they’ve been hearing a lot about us and after watching us tonight they think we’re exactly what they’re looking for. They want to set up a meeting next week. They’re already throwing out things like a tour and getting an album released as soon as possible. They want Hollow Crossing too.”

That was the name of Kaylie’s band and as much as I didn’t want to be happy for her, I couldn’t deny that Hollow Crossing deserved this as well. They all had so much talent. It would be one more thing tying her and Kyden together. I tried not to dwell on that fact, but I couldn’t help it. Baby steps. I wasn’t going to be able to shut it off in one night, and there was a good chance that even when I got past my feelings, I would never be okay with their relationship.

“Where are Kyden and Ace?” Chris questioned, looking around the room. My eyes wandered through the crowd as well, seeking out their faces. One in particular.

“Ace is making sure everything got loaded into the van. I’m sure Kyden and Kaylie are having a celebratory fuck in one of the bathrooms,” Spade replied, but then looked like he regretted speaking when his eyes landed on me. Everyone else’s eyes flitted to me as well. “Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“What? It’s fine, he can do whoever he wants. We’re just friends,” I told them and tried to mean it, but they still looked uncomfortable.

“We know, it’s just that we thought . . . well it sort of seemed like you two . . .” Spade struggled to get the words out, but I stopped him before he said anymore.

“Seriously, there’s nothing going on between us. There never was. We’re just friends, so you don’t have to try and spare me. I’m really okay with it.” I didn’t feel okay, but this is what I’d decided. I had to learn to be okay with it and keep my emotions in check.

“He’s such an idiot,” Spade mumbled, but I ignored him.

“Who’s an idiot?” Ace came up behind us and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I leaned into him and he pulled me tightly to his side.

“Ky,” Spade answered.

“Well no shit.” He tilted his head to look down at me. “If he doesn’t figure it out soon, I might just steal his chance.” He winked and I just shook my head.

“Like I just told all of them, Kyden and I are friends and barely even that. You guys were all there at the cape. You know how rocky things have been for us. Neither one of us is looking for anything more.” Maybe if I said it another ten times they would start to believe me. Maybe I would start to believe me.

I didn’t see Kyden before we left, but it was probably a good thing. I could congratulate him tomorrow when he didn’t look like sex, reek like skank and have one attached to his side. Thankfully Ace offered to drive us home in my car when I admitted to being so tired. The rest of the band and Danny had booked motel rooms in Springfield for the night. We didn’t want to stay, and Ace said he didn’t mind. He was still buzzing from the good news and hadn’t had a drop to drink all night.

The five of us said goodbye and then left the building the same way we came in. I snuggled into the back seat with Vi who was squished in the middle between me and her man. I don’t even think we were on the freeway before I was asleep with my head resting on her shoulder.

Vi shook me awake when the car pulled into my driveway at almost three in the morning. Somehow I managed to walk from the car to my porch and get the front door open. I tossed my purse and keys down and went straight for the stairs. I remember mumbling on my way up to my room that Vi and Jake could sleep in my old room and Bas and Ace could have the couches, but whether or not they heard me, I didn‘t know. They could figure it out. I discarded my clothes on the floor and threw on a t shirt and shorts before climbing into bed.

I was incredibly thankful for the heavy curtains on my windows as I managed to sleep until noon. Vi and Jake were both gone when I finally peeled myself from my mattress and went downstairs. Bas was in the kitchen on his laptop and Ace was still snoring on my couch.

I put a kettle on the stove for tea and popped a slice of bread in the toaster. I was too lazy to cook anything that required more effort. I could have probably used another two hours of sleep, but I did have a few things I wanted to accomplish before I wasted the day. The guys had another gig tonight, out of town. I wasn’t going to that one so I thought it would be fun to slip into their house and surprise them with some baked goods and home cooked meals in their fridge for when they got back sometime tomorrow.

I ran the idea past Bas and he was on board. I wasn’t sure if Marcus or Danny would be home or at the show, so I needed him since he was the one with a spare key to their place. He wouldn’t be much help with the actual baking and cooking though. His grilling skills were exceptional, but other than that his usefulness in the kitchen was limited to opening stuff and stirring if you wanted anything to come out edible. He just didn’t have the patience or desire to learn to cook, plus I think he figured that if he actually learned, it would give me an excuse to stop cooking for him. I’m not sure how he’d survived while I was gone. I hope Lissa cooked for him, because if I was going to do something I absolutely did not want to do tomorrow to save their relationship, she better at least cook for him.

An hour later Bas was still on his computer doing research for the internship he’d landed. Ace hadn’t woken yet, but Kyden had showed up to give him a ride home. Unfortunately when I opened the door, I saw that he had Kaylie with him. She entered my house right behind him. It was just the two of them and I knew they must have ridden back from Springfield together, which meant there was a good chance they had stayed together for the night. I hadn’t heard the bike so I wondered if Kyden had another vehicle or if they were in hers. I only ever saw him on his bike.

I was glad that I had already showered and put on a cute summer dress. I would have been mortified if he had showed up with her and I was still in my baggy t-shirt and cotton shorts with bed hair and last night’s make up. I thought I looked pretty cute in my dress, but then again Kaylie had on another miniscule denim skirt and an extremely low cut tank top on, so I could have worn a garbage bag for all that it mattered.

Kyden went right into the living room and grabbed Ace’s shoes from the floor and tossed them at him to wake him up. Ace just grumbled and threw them back.

“Wake up asshole, I want to get back to the house and take a nap before we have to head to Lowell.”

Ace grumbled some more, but pulled himself up off the couch. He had jeans on, but his chest was bare. Even though he didn’t make my heart race like Kyden did, I could still appreciate the sight, and it was a shame when he covered it up with the shirt he grabbed off the back of the couch. When I realized I had been staring at him I quickly looked away. Kyden was frowning at me and Kaylie had a scowl on her face as well, but that wasn’t unusual for her. Ace pressed a chaste kiss to the top of my head as he passed by me and disappeared into the bathroom.

“I gotta take a piss too, can I use the bathroom upstairs?” Kyden asked gruffly. I nodded and he took the stairs two at a time, leaving me standing alone with Kaylie. To say that it was awkward and uncomfortable was an understatement. I tried not to make eye contact because I could feel her scathing look without actually having to see it. I was just turning to head back in to the kitchen, when she had decided to open her mouth.

“So this is your house?” she asked snidely.

“Mmhmm,” I replied as neutrally as I could, hoping to discourage any further questions or comments.

“It’s so . . . quaint and very Martha Stewart.” It shouldn’t have been an insult but it certainly came out sounding like one. “Subscribing to Better Homes and Gardens doesn’t automatically qualify someone to be an interior decorator,” she snickered. “You should really consider losing all the tacky arts and crafts. Do-it-yourself really isn’t for everyone.”

I had to bite down on my tongue to keep from ripping into her. It wasn’t her fault that she didn’t know about this place and my mom. I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn’t actually stoop that low if she did.

“My mom made most of it. The projects were more about having fun for her and trying something new, than worrying about perfection.” I hoped that would be enough to get her to let it go.

“That’s pretty obvious. She’s dead though right? So it’s not like you have to pretend to like it anymore. Unless you actually think it looks good? I guess it would make sense. You had to get your patheticness from somewhere.”

I was speechless. How could she make light of my mom like that? I didn’t even have words for what I wanted to express to her.

Her face twisted into a satisfied grin. She must have seen whatever she’d hoped to achieve, on my face. How could Kyden not realize how completely hideous this girl was? There was no way he could be that blind, but if he did see, how could he stand to have anything to do with her, let alone bring her into my house? He had already witnessed her biting remarks directed at me so he had to realize we would never be friends.

I could handle the insults and shots she took at me, but hearing her attack my mother, someone she had never even met, who was the most amazing and loving person in the entire world, was not something I could handle. At all. I wasn’t going to sink to her level though, she was baiting me. All I wanted was to get out of this room and away from her before I cracked and let her see just how deeply she had managed to twist the knife in.

When I turned to leave the room Ace was standing just outside the living room with a stunned look on his face. He must have overheard at least some of our exchange as his expression quickly turned to anger. I was sure he was about to go off on Kaylie, but I shook my head at him. I didn’t need someone else fighting my battles and if she knew how much she’d gotten to me, it would only give her more ammunition later.

I just wanted her out of my house and away from every single piece of my mother that I had left. I passed Ace, who tried to reach out for my arm, but I shook him off. I tried to keep the angry tears out of my eyes as I climbed the stairs, but it was a struggle. Kyden was about to go down when I made it to the top.

I didn’t bother looking up at him, and just mumbled a quick, “Congratulations on the record label. Good luck at your show tonight.” Only it came out more like, “Congralationsonrecorlabel. G’luckatshownight.” I brushed right past him, into my room and shut the door behind me. I was trying not to take my anger at Kaylie out on him, but I couldn’t help hold him responsible for her. A tiny part of me might also have been scared that he would choose her over me if I confronted him about it. Sex or friendship? With him it was hard not to be afraid of what choice he would make.

Chapter 25

I really hope she doesn’t slam the door in my face.

My stomach was in knots as I waited outside Bas and Lissa’s apartment. I knew she was home, I just hoped she would listen to what I had to say. I heard footsteps inside and steeled myself for the confrontation that was about to happen. When the door finally opened, Lissa looked about as happy to see me as I thought she would.

Her face also hinted that she had been handling the separation just as well as Bas. She looked like she had lost a little weight and there definitely wasn’t any light in her narrowed eyes. There were bags and dark circles underneath them and everything about the way she was carrying herself indicated exhaustion.

“What are you doing here? Haven’t you already got what you wanted? What more could you possibly take from me?” Her tone wasn’t angry or harsh, just dejected.

“I didn’t come here to take anything. I never took anything from you to begin with,” I countered, but then took a breath and collected myself. Arguing wasn’t the way to convince her to hear me out. She started to close the door in my face, but I stuck my hand out to stop her. “Please just let me explain everything. Afterward, if you still hate me, I’ll go and I promise I won’t bother you again. Just know this might be your only shot to get Bas back, and if the state you’re in is any indication, you miss him just as much as he misses you so it would be worth it for you to give me ten minutes,” I pleaded.

“He misses me?” Her voice was laden with skepticism.

“Yes. He does.”

“Fine. Ten minutes.” She opened the door wider for me to pass. She didn’t offer me anything to drink or a place to sit, but it didn’t really matter, I wasn’t there for pleasantries.

“Bas has been like a teenage girl moping around my house. He’s cranky and irritable, but mostly he’s sad. He’s too damn stubborn to admit it, but it’s killing him.”

“Why are you telling me any of this, shouldn’t you be happy that you have him all to yourself? And, if he really misses me, then why isn’t he here, making things right?”

“I’m sorry to be blunt, but he’s not here because he wasn’t the one who was wrong. Granted he should have done a better job of communicating with you so that you would understand, but part of that is my fault-”

She cut me off before I could finish. “Part of it? This whole damn situation is your fault. For two years I’ve been hearing Jazz this and Jazz that, and I tolerated it because you weren’t here, but I lived every damn day in your shadow, hoping you would stay gone because I knew there was no way I could compete with your guys’ history.

“Then you showed back up and it was worse, because I wasn’t just hearing about you every day, he was running off to be with you. All he would tell me was that you needed him. You didn’t have anything to do with him for three years and yet the second you came back, you wrapped him around your finger. Do you get off on manipulating everyone in your life? Do you have to be the center of attention? I just don’t understand how you could use him like that and not think what you’re doing is wrong.”

“I’ve done a lot of things wrong, but what you think is going on between me and Bas is not one of them. You’re way off about me manipulating him. You don’t know anything about my life, the reasons I left, why I came back or my so called history with Bas, but if you’ll just listen I’ll tell you. Bas has kept secrets from you out of loyalty to me, not because he was betraying you, but because they weren’t his secrets. He was protecting me.”

“Protecting you? Why? Does this have to do with your ex from the bar?”

“He isn’t my ex, but he’s a part of it.”

“If he’s not your ex then who is he and why was Sebastian fighting with him?”

“Do you know who Jack Malloy is?”

“Is there anyone in Boston who doesn’t? What does he have to do with this?” she asked impatiently.

“What do you know about him?”

She let out a frustrated sigh and I could tell that I was losing her. “He was allegedly part of the Irish mob here, but nothing could be proven when they government went after them. Now he’s one of the richest, most powerful men in Boston. He owns hotels, casinos, clubs, restaurants and half the city. Most people think he’s still mixed up in a lot of illegal dealings.”

“He’s also my father, and there’s nothing alleged about his ties to the mob or his more recent criminal activities.” Her eyes widened in disbelief and her mouth was hanging partially open, but she didn’t say a word.

“My mom fell for him back when he was just a low level enforcer. When she got pregnant she knew he would never commit and she didn’t want me anywhere near his lifestyle. I didn’t meet him until after she passed away when I was twelve. At that point he was building his empire, but most of it was just a front. He’s still involved with the worst of the city. Dangerous men were in and out of our house all the time and my father has more than his fair share of enemies.

“Because of that my life has been in danger more than once. Bas has always been there for me; through every awful day of my life connected to that man. He feels extremely protective of me, especially since the night I was attacked by Connor, the guy from the bar. He works for my dad and is fixated on me. He’s violent and psychotic and when I tried to refuse him, he did this,” I raised my shirt part way so that she could get a glimpse of the scars. She gasped and her hand went to her mouth. “It was really bad and I wouldn’t have survived if Bas hadn’t found me and gotten me help. That’s what all of this is about, what he couldn’t tell you.

“A big part of the reason I left Boston is because I wasn’t safe here, and since coming back Connor has been making threats. Bas and everyone else is afraid to leave me alone, but I swear to you that’s it. Bas wasn’t lying to you so that he could cheat on you. I’m sorry that my problems came between you two, but I’m telling you all of this so you can fix it.”

She remained silent for another minute while she processed everything I told her. “You really aren’t taking him from me? It’s obvious he loves you so much. You know him better than I do. The two of you are closer. I remember in high school that you guys were inseparable. How am I supposed to compete with that?” Her voice was barely audible, but I could hear her desperation.

“There is no competition. What Bas and I have comes with time. We’ve been friends since we were little, but that’s all it’s ever been. It’s only you for him, even in high school he was in love with you. He might kill me for telling you this, but he traded just to get a locker near yours so he could see you between classes and he would make me spend our lunch outside of the music building just so he could listen to you practice for those twenty minutes. You had him then, and you still have him now if you want him.”

“I do. God, I do,” she choked out, tears running down her cheeks. She surprised me by wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me. At first I wasn’t sure how to respond to the unexpected embrace, but I raised my arms tentatively and returned the somewhat awkward hug, until it no longer felt so awkward.

“I’m sorry,” she said, wiping her eyes as she pulled away. “I just . . . I’ve missed him so much and I thought – I was a bitch to you. I’m so sorry. I was so stupid for not listening to him for not trusting him. I was just so jealous it made me crazy.”

“It’s okay. I understand. He was stupid for not doing a better job of reassuring you, and I was stupid for letting my baggage get between you two.”

“Why are you telling me this? Why would you be nice and help me after all of the awful things I said about you and to you? You should hate me. I would hate me after the way I acted.” I couldn’t hate someone who meant so much to one of the most important people in my life. I wasn’t sure if we would ever be close friends, but I hoped so.

“Bas loves you. That’s enough for me. I know you’re not really an awful person or he wouldn’t love you so much, and I get why you thought what you did. If I were in your place I might’ve reacted the same way.”

“My only defense is that love makes you crazy.” Yeah, I was starting to get that. Not that I was in love, but guys and relationships and all of it.

“So, do you think he’ll talk to me? Will he forgive me?” There was so much fear in her voice and the way she was chewing her lip only reinforced my impression that this girl was more insecure than she tried to let on. Her actions had been those of a girl terrified of losing the guy she loved. I didn’t really think that trust was her problem, she just doubted herself too much. Maybe she didn’t even believe that she deserved his love, or that he could love her that strongly.

I had been there. Some days I was still there. Although we hadn’t started off in the right place, or anywhere near it, in that moment I felt for her and whatever had happened to make her feel that way. She was the girl Bas loved. She was his “forever,” and that meant I was going to love her too. I was going to try at least.

“I’m not sure if he will talk to you,” I told her and I watched her expression drop even more. She just nodded her head like that was what she had expected and looked down at her feet. “He might just throw you over his shoulder and drag you up to the spare bedroom.” I grinned when her eyes shot up to mine. “I’m sure that eventually he’ll get around to the talking part though, after he has his way with you.” For once it wasn’t my cheeks that turned pink.

“Bas is at his mom’s right now, which is why I was able to come over here. He thinks I’m spending the day with my brother’s wife and my niece, but you can come back with me. While we wait for him I’ll fill you in on all of his embarrassing secrets and I’m sure you know a few that I don’t.”

She grinned back at me. “Okay. I’d like that.”

On the ride to my house I kept my promise to Lissa and left her with plenty of stories to use against Bas in the future and I gained a few more of my own. Lissa was still a little reserved, but she was funny and easier to talk to than I thought she’d be. We’d managed to get over the awkwardness. I liked her and I saw why Bas loved her. I looked forward to have another girl friend, but more than anything I just couldn’t wait for mopey Bas to disappear once I surprised him with his girl.

It would be a little sad to see him go. I’d gotten used to always having him around all the time. I’d figure out another way to deal with my Connor problem. I couldn’t keep sitting around waiting for him to do something, but I was still reluctant to get the police involved. I was afraid of what the repercussions would be for the people I cared about. I knew how he and my father operated. They were good at making people pay and the price was always high.

I slowed the car down as we turned into my neighborhood and I knew something wasn’t right. There were people standing at the end of the block in the street watching something. As soon as I saw the black smoke above the rooftops my heart lurched and then I turned the corner onto my street.

No. No. No. Oh God, please no.

Chapter 26

Most of the street was blocked off so I pulled my car up to the curb and jumped out of the car as soon as the engine shut off. I left the keys in the ignition, not worried about anything other than the assemblage of fire trucks and cop cars directly in front of my house, and the smoke billowing out the side. I ran toward the mass of people gathered in the streets, surrounding the area. I pushed my way through; pretty sure Lissa was following behind me. I think I even heard her call out my name, but I didn’t slow down for even a second.

When I broke free of the crowd, the sight before me stopped my heart and almost dropped me to my knees. There weren’t any visible flames, but there was a lot of smoke coming from the kitchen area. I was on the opposite side and when I tried to move closer I was stopped by one of the firemen.

“Excuse me miss, but you need to step back.” His hands were gentle, but firm on my arms and there was no way I was getting any closer. I tried to open my mouth to speak, but I couldn’t form anything coherent. “That’s my . . . I need . . . how did . . . “His brow was creased and he looked down at me like he thought I was unstable, which at that point I was a little. Thankfully Lissa had followed me.

“That’s her house.”

He looked from Lissa then back at me. “This is your house Miss?” I still didn’t think I could speak, so I just nodded. “Okay, come with me. These officers over here will explain everything to you and I’m sure they will have some questions as well.” He directed me toward a couple of cops standing in the street. “The flames originated in the kitchen but we have the fire almost completely out now and we’ll be able to give you a report on the damage soon. In the mean-time these are officers Lewis and Crowley.” He indicated the two policemen.

They looked up at our approach upon hearing their names. Their eyes shifted from the fireman, whose name either hadn’t been spoken or I had missed, and landed on me.

“This girl says she lives here,” he told them before turning to address me again.

“I’m going to leave you here and go find out the status of the fire. I promise as soon as we have an update for you I’ll let you know,” he reassured me, but I wasn’t in any state to be reassured. I wasn’t even sure how my feet had managed to carry me over here. I felt like I was going to collapse any minute. My house was on fire, or did he say it wasn’t on fire anymore? Either way at some point, my house, the only place left in the world that still held pieces of my mom, the only place I could truly call home, had been on fire.

I realized that one of the officers, I didn’t remember which because I hadn’t paid much attention to their names, was talking to me. “Are you the homeowner Miss?” Once again I found myself nodding in place of trying to form words. “What’s your name?” His face was kind and his voice was gentle, but it did little to calm me.

Crap, what did he ask? My name?

“Jazz.” Wait, no, that wasn’t right. “Zane, I mean, my, uh Jaxyn. My name is Jaxyn Zane,” I managed to spit out. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay Miss Zane. You’re in shock, but everything is going to be fine. Why don’t you come have a seat?” He placed his hand on my arm and led me over to the police SUV parked behind us. He opened the back door and helped me to climb up inside. I sat with my feet hanging out the door, still staring at the side of my house. I had a little bit better view from where we were and I could see a lot of black on the side.

“Miss Zane, is there anyone you can think of who would have reason to set fire to your home?”

What?

“Someone did this?” I whispered, but really that should have been my first thought.

“We don’t know that for sure, but one of your neighbors saw someone running away from that side of the house just moments before the flames started. We won’t know for sure that it was arson until an investigation is done, but while we wait for the report we’re just covering the bases. Now, is there anyone that comes to mind?” I didn’t need an investigation to tell me that it was intentional, and I knew who was responsible.

“Miss Zane, is there someone?”

I looked him directly in the eyes and tried to make sure my voice was as calm and steady as I could. “No. I can’t think of anyone who would do this.”

Maybe I should have told them. Maybe they could have done something, but I knew the odds were slim. There wouldn’t be any evidence, and I could guarantee that whoever was seen running from my yard wasn’t Connor himself, and I doubted if an identification could be made either way. No, the cops couldn’t help because even if I convinced every cop in Massachusetts that Connor was responsible for this, he was untouchable without more proof. Even then my father’s lawyers would get him off. I wanted to scream and cry and hit something, but I didn’t. I sat there quietly until the fireman came back.

“Thankfully your neighbor called us right away and we got here in time to keep the fire contained, but the damage to the kitchen from the fire and water is extensive and there will be smoke damage throughout the house. Once we finish up and the smoke clears, you’ll be able to do a walk through and gather anything you need. We were able to determine that the fire was started by an incendiary device.” I was having a hard time focusing on anything he was saying. All I heard was that Connor had managed to take more from me.

“Jazz!” Bas’ voice snapped me out of my daze. I looked up and saw him and Chris both pushing their way toward me with Lissa on their heels. I hadn’t even noticed that she’d left my side. She must have called him. I should have called him. Crap I needed to call Shane and Vi, and the insurance company. I reached for my purse to get my cell phone and realized I didn’t have it on me.

Where’s my purse?

Oh, yeah, I’d left it in my car.

My car!

I’d left my keys in the ignition and the door wide open. I jumped up to get to my car, but instead I hit a brick wall. “Jazz, where are you going?” He gripped my arms and prevented me from going anywhere. Why didn’t he understand that I had to get to my car? I needed my purse. I had phone calls to make.

“Car,” was my only response, but still he didn’t release his grip. “My car,” I said a little more forcefully, aware that the fireman who had been speaking to me, and the two officers that had remained by my side, along with Chris and Lissa, were all staring at me.

“Jazz. Stop. Your car is fine.”

He didn’t understand. I needed my phone. I needed to call people. I needed to do something. I needed to fix this. “I need to get my phone. I need my phone Bas.” I pleaded with him.

“No you don’t. You need to calm down. You’re shaking Jazz.” Was I? I didn’t notice. “Just breathe, it’s going to be alright. We’ll take care of it, but first you have to stop freaking out.” He was right, I knew he was right, but I couldn’t stop myself. I lost it and threw myself into his arms. He wrapped them around me and held me tightly, whispering that it would be okay while I sobbed into his chest.

Someone came up behind Bas and took my hand in theirs. I knew it had to be Lissa because the hand was small and feminine. I lifted my head and looked over his shoulder to see her looking back at me. She squeezed my hand and gave me a sympathetic smile. I was really glad she was here.

“I don’t know what to do Bas. He tried to burn down my house,” I whispered.

“It’s okay Jazz. I promise it will be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. The house can be fixed. We don’t even know yet how much was damaged, so we’ll worry about that later.”

“I need to call Shane and Vi.”

“I already called them both, you don’t need to do anything. I’ll stay with you until you can go inside and then we’ll stay with Chris.” This was not how today was supposed to go.

“No. You need to talk to her, you two have to make up,” I insisted, pulling away from him and gesturing at Lissa.

“Look, I don’t know what she was doing here, what either of you were doing here, when you told me you were spending the day with Lucy, but we can talk about it later.”

“No. You’re going to talk to her right now. Connor is not messing this up again.”

“I will talk to her, I promise, but right now I need to be here for you.”

“No! You’re going to talk to her right now. You two are going to go sit in my car, or your car or wherever and you’re not coming out until you’re kissing again, and you’re not going to argue with me because I am a little crazy right now.”

“Really Jazz, it can wait until after we deal with this,” He argued.

“No it can’t. You talk to her now,” I demanded, letting some of the crazy out. “Chris will wait with me until you guys are done, and then we’ll go in and get our stuff. You two will go home and spend the rest of the night making up and I will stay with Chris.” Bas started to protest, but I didn’t give him the chance to say a word. “It’s not up for discussion Bas. I’ve made up my mind and you know how pointless it would be for you to try and change it.”

He let out a defeated sigh. “Come on Liss, I guess we’ve got some talking to do.” I gave her an encouraging smile as she followed after him.

While they talked Chris and I stood there and waited to be allowed into the house. The crowd around us thinned as people trickled back to their own homes. Some stuck around and a few neighbors even came up to tell me how sorry they were and to try and get information about what had happened. Chris ran interference for me because I wasn’t in any state to deal with anyone prying. I was feeling a little hopeless. I had no idea what to do about Connor. It felt like he was winning, like there was nothing I could do to stop him.

Bas and Lissa came back holding hands about the same time the fireman said we could go inside. They decided it would be better if I didn’t though and all my fight was gone so I didn’t argue. Bas and Lissa went in to grab some clothes and personal items I would need.

When they came back out and I asked how bad it was, he said it was too hard to tell with so much smoke still in there, but that it didn’t seem like the important stuff had been damaged. They hadn’t actually been allowed in the kitchen though. He tried to reassure me again that everything would be okay, he told me not to worry. I had a hard time convincing him that I wasn’t going to fall apart again and that he should go home with Lissa, but eventually they did go home.

It wasn’t until I was in Chris’ car, on my way to his house that I realized the rest of the guys were going to have questions, lots of them. I would have to tell them everything, or at least most of it. Keeping the truth from them wasn’t really an option anymore. They wouldn’t let it slide.

I was nervous as Chris and I walked up the steps to his front door. I didn’t know how to tell them or how they would react when they had the full story about Connor and my dad. The last time I told someone, it didn’t go so well. I didn’t even want to think about what it was going to be like sharing the same space with Kyden, but I didn’t have much choice about that either.

“Hey Rainbow, did you come to cook for us again? I have to say, coming home last night to a fridge full of food and more of your baked goods was amazing. Once again I would like to extend my offer of marriage,” Spade greeted me enthusiastically when we walked in the door. He was seated in front of the flat screen in the living room, along with Kyden and Ace. They had controllers in their hands. The sounds of gunfire and explosions came through the speakers. When he looked over at me again and noticed the duffel bag in my hand he became even more excited.

“Even better, you’re moving in. Does this mean you’ve decided to accept my proposal?” He asked. “Hey motherfucker quit shooting at me, we’re on the same team,” he yelled at one of them.

“Then get your head back in the game douche bag,” Ace retorted. “She’s not gonna marry your stupid ass. If anything, she’s here for me. Isn’t that right beautiful?” Ace teased, looking over at me briefly and giving me a wink before turning back to the game. Kyden had yet to acknowledge me with anything more than a quick glance when I first came in.

“I am going to be staying with you guys for a little while if it’s alright?”

“Of course it is,” Spade said, “but why you staying here? You really can’t stand to be away from me, can you?”

Well here goes nothing.

“Conner setmyhouseonfire,” I mumbled out quickly. All three heads snapped in my direction and each pair of eyes found mine. Guess they heard me well enough.

“You wanna say that again Princess? Because it sounded a lot like you said that bastard set your house on fire.” I chewed my lip nervously and tried not to make eye contact with him. Instead I looked at Ace and Spade. Their faces showed the same severity that I heard in Kyden’s voice.

“Not my whole house, just the kitchen.” I wasn’t sure why I tried to downplay the situation. Less than an hour ago I was the one needing to be reassured, but I felt like it was important not to let them see how crushed and scared I was, especially Ky. He was a temperamental alpha male through and through and could very likely fly off the handle again. He would go all protective caveman if he saw how threatened I felt because of the attack.

I didn’t look at him, but the tension I felt coming from that side of the room told me it wouldn’t take much for him to unleash a whole lot of rage, but any thoughts of retaliating would likely get him killed or in jail.

“Have they arrested him?” Kyden bit out. I shook my head. “Then I don’t care if it was just a fucking broom closet. He’s not getting away with it.” Or he might just go caveman anyway. I finally turned my head to face him, to try and talk him down, but I struggled to find my words under the intensity of his gaze.

“I have to say that I agree with Ky, Rainbow. We need to teach that son of a bitch a lesson.” Ace was nodding alongside Spade, but neither of them knew what they were suggesting, what it would mean if they tried to get payback.

I shook my head and tried to reason with them. “No, you guys can’t do anything. You have to let it go.”

They snorted and stared back at me. The irritated look on each of their faces told me there was little chance of that happening. Kyden especially, seemed primed for a fight. “The hell we do Princess,” He seethed. “I don’t care who he is-”

“Well you should,” I cut him off. “He’ll kill you, and if not him then my father. I know you think you’re trying to protect me, but you’re going to end up dead!” I yelled at him, surprising all of them with my outburst. Kyden looked like he was going to continue arguing with me, but Chris chose that moment to intercede.

“Enough. She’s right. Nobody is going to do anything right now, so just calm the fuck down.” In the past Chris and Bas had always been on the other side of this argument, but they had seen enough over the years to know how futile it was.

“Someone needs to fill us in on a few details, because we seem to be missing something here. What does your father have to do with the asshole trying to hurt you?” Ace questioned.

I really wasn’t in the mood to draw it out, or break it to them gently so I just threw it out there bluntly. “My father is Jack Malloy and Connor works for him, so if you guys try any sort of payback you’re gonna end up buried, or in pieces. Probably both.”

They definitely weren’t expecting that. Both of their faces transitioned through a range of emotions from shock to confusion to apprehension and then back to shock that bordered on awe.

“Holy shit. You’re like some kind of mob princess?” Ace asked, and even though he was really far off, I couldn’t blame him for his reaction.

“No, it’s not like that, not even close. I’m nobody’s princess.” I looked directly at Kyden when I said that last part.

“Why wouldn’t your father protect you from Connor, or better question, why hasn’t your dad killed him yet?” It was Spade’s turn to unload the questions, only his were one’s I didn’t want to answer.

My cheeks burned, showing the shame I felt at once again having to admit just how much my father didn’t care. “My father chose him over me. It doesn’t matter what Connor does, because my father will always take his side. My father will protect him over me.” My eyes stung with unshed tears that I so badly didn’t want to release. How many times was I going to cry over that disappointment? It was past time to just accept it and move on, only I still didn’t know how.

I was too drained for any more talk of the fire, Connor, or my father, and dealing anymore with Kyden was a headache in the making. “We can talk about this more in the morning, but I just want to get some sleep.” I said goodnight to them and let Chris lead me to his room, where I was going to stay. I left the rest of them to discuss me once I was out of hearing range.

When Chris left the room he closed the door behind him and I changed into pajamas and curled up on his bed. I was staring at the ceiling, at such a loss for what to do when my phone rang. It was an unknown number. I thought it could be Bas or Lissa calling from her phone.

“Hello.”

“You really need to stop leaving town. If you don’t want anything bad to happen to the people you leave behind, like your brother or his pretty little girl, you won’t do it again. I’ll destroy a lot more than your house slut.”

Connor.

“And I don’t like seeing you on the back of that asshole’s motorcycle. Are you fucking him you little whore? You’re mine, you hear me –”

I hung up the phone immediately and threw it on the other side of the bed like it was a snake that would bite me. I waited, barely breathing, for it to ring again, but it didn’t. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. Connor wanted me afraid and cowering, he wanted me weak. I couldn’t give him that satisfaction. I needed to be hard, hard enough not to whimper and cry every time he tried to beat me down. I had to be strong enough not to run, not to hide behind Bas, or anyone else.

If he thought he was going to find me vulnerable and unable to defend myself again, he was wrong. I was tired, so tired of feeling afraid all the time. Of worrying and looking over my shoulder and waiting for his next move. I didn’t spend the last few years being knocked on my butt in the gym repeatedly, so that I could not fight back when it was time. I wouldn’t let him intimidate me anymore. The more I thought about it, the angrier I grew.

I left town because of him and my father once before. I wouldn’t do it again. They stripped me down to nothing but fear and shame and I refused to be that person again. I was building a life here. I had new friends who were quickly becoming family and friends who had always been my family. I wouldn’t let him hurt any of the people I cared about. Whatever happened, I would face it. Connor was not winning.

Going to the cops was still out of the question. Connor would never spend more than a night in jail, if that. I also couldn’t let the guys do anything stupid. My father would have no choice but to retaliate, he would never let it slide, but he wouldn’t touch me. He didn’t give a crap about me, but he wouldn’t have me killed. Truth was he’d probably respect me more for it. It was up to me to do something, nobody else.  I had to settle this.

My mom used to keep a thirty eight in a lock box in her night stand. Before we moved in next door to Bas we hadn’t always lived in the nicest of neighborhoods and she was a single mom. At the end, when we went through her things, she moved it to the top shelf of her closet. I’d forgotten about it until now, but I was pretty sure it was still there.

My body hummed with a violent rage that I would have found disturbing if I wasn‘t so wrapped up in my need to hurt Connor, to make him suffer and pay for all that he’d done. There would be no more feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t want to be a Malloy, but maybe I needed to embrace that side of myself long enough to do what I had to.

A small voice in the back of my mind asked if I did it, if sought Connor out with the intent to hurt him, what it would cost me. Would I lose the part of myself I was trying to hang on to? How fine was the line between fighting back, and becoming someone else, someone cold and vicious? Could I act like my father, make calculating decisions like him, be relentless like him, without turning into him? I didn’t know if I could control the fury burning beneath my skin, or if the hate I felt growing stronger would eat me up?

I thought I was becoming like him once before and it nearly crippled me. What would happen if one day the warmth was missing from my eyes and they were nothing but the same empty grey pits I saw on his face? What would my mom think of the raging storm brewing inside of me? Would Bas look at me differently if I wasn’t his sweet Jazz anymore, would any of them look at me the same? I didn’t know, but I did know I couldn’t tell any of them about the phone call. I would keep it to myself.

My thoughts had become too heavy for the night and my anger quickly turned into exhaustion. When I shut my eyes the exhaustion overtook me.

I didn’t know how much trouble I was in, but I knew it was going to be more than I’d ever been in before. Mom had been in Mr. Lambert’s office for a long time. I wish he hadn’t called her, but he had, and here I was sitting outside his office waiting for the door to open so I could see just how angry she was. I’d never been sent to the principal’s office before, but Jill just made me so mad. She deserved it, and I’d do it again.

I felt my face heating with anger as I thought about how she had embarrassed me out on the playground, in front of everyone. I wanted to shove her down in that mud puddle all over again and call her every name I’d ever heard in those grown up fighting movies Chris liked to watch with his friends when his dad wasn’t around. He always tried to kick Bas and me out, but we would sneak into the room and sit behind them and watch until we got caught.

My mom put soap in my mouth the first time I repeated one of those words, but I wouldn’t take any of the ones I had called Jill back, even if she made me eat a whole bar of soap. Mostly I just wished Bas hadn’t been home sick from school. Jill wouldn’t have dared to say those things about me if he was there. All of the girls liked Bas, but he was my best friend and they didn’t like that.

Jill would know better now than to tease me and make everyone laugh at me like that. They would all know better, or next time –

The door to Mr. Lambert’s office opened up and Mom stepped out. He was right behind her. They both had serious looks on their faces, but I couldn’t really tell how mad she was. That could be bad for me if she was just waiting until we were outside the school to really let me have it, or maybe it meant she wasn’t that mad. Maybe she understood why I did it. Maybe she was on my side and would call up Jill’s mother and tell her how horrible her daughter was and how she deserved to be pushed into the mud.

When her eyes met mine, I knew I wasn’t that lucky. I wished she would look angry and just yell at me, because that would be better than seeing the disappointment on her face. There was nothing as bad as having Mom disappointed in me, I hated letting her down like that. She had enough disappointment from my loser dad. I didn’t want to be like him.

Last weekend was Valentine’s Day and I saw her looking at his picture again. I wanted to cut it into a thousand pieces and burn it because all it ever did was make her sad. Right now I was making her sad though. I felt something icky in my stomach, and it was hard to swallow.

Once we were in the car, I tried to explain my side of the story, hoping that maybe Mr. Lambert had left something out, and that if she just knew everything, she might not look at me like that again.

“Jill said I was gross and stupid and that I look like a boy, and that the only reason Bas played with me was because he thought I was a boy. She said that I should have to go in the boy’s bathroom. She even said I had a boy’s name and that I must have been such an ugly baby that you couldn’t tell what I was. I was just so mad that I pushed her in the puddle and called her names.”

“Yes, I heard all about the words you used on the playground and I don’t think that your behavior convinced anyone that you are a young lady.” She was still disappointed. Why didn’t she see that it was Jill‘s fault not mine?

“But Jill started it,” I insisted, still trying to make her understand that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Did shoving her and calling her names make you feel good?”

I wanted to say yes, because it had, but something told me that was the wrong answer, and if it was, then maybe was I wrong too? “I don’t know,” I settled for the safest answer I could think of.

“Was what you did any better than what she did?”

“But I had to do something, she was being a bully.” I didn’t see where Mom was going with this, but I was frustrated because I still felt like I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“So you decided to become a bully as well?”

What? No? I wasn’t the bully.

“I was just sticking up for myself,” I said defiantly.

“No, what you were doing was trying to hurt that girl because she hurt you.” Well yeah, I wanted her to pay for what she said. “There’s a difference between standing up for yourself and getting revenge. Revenge is ugly and cruel and it makes you just as bad as the bullies. What you did was wrong. You don’t want to be someone who wants to hurt people, do you?” When she said it like that . . .

“Well, no, but-”

“No buts sweetie, because that’s what you did today. There’s always a better choice than to sink to their level. It doesn’t matter what your reasons are, when you start acting and thinking like a bully you become one too.”

Dang it, I hated when she was right, but I knew that she was. “I’m sorry mom. She just made me so mad.”

“I know Princess. You’re a sweet girl and you have a good heart. You’re better than what you did today.”

I really wanted to be better. She believed in me and I didn’t want to let her down again.

Chapter 27

When I woke up the next morning, that memory was fresh in my mind and my mother’s words from that day in third grade, resonated with me. Back then it was just schoolyard bullies, now it was much bigger than that. Now every choice I made would have harsher consequences than being sent to the principal’s office or grounded from the TV.

I was determined not to hide or run, but I knew that I wasn’t capable of the things I had thought about doing last night. Not only did I not even know where to start with trying to hunt Connor down, but it would be stupid and foolish. I didn’t want to be that person and my reason had been clouded by my anger. I sighed with frustration; I was right back where I started last night, hurt and angry with no way out that I could see.

I grabbed my cell phone and saw that not only was it already after nine, but I had texts from Vi and Shane saying they were on their way over. That was over half an hour ago, which meant they were already here or would be very soon. I had no doubt that went for Bas as well.

I dragged myself out of Chris’ big, comfy bed. I almost felt bad that he’d given it up for me. He probably slept on the couch. I threw a hoodie on over my tank top, but didn’t bother changing out of my sleep shorts before leaving the comfort of the quiet bedroom.

I groaned thinking that it was too early for me to have to play the voice of reason to a bunch of amped up alpha males. There would be a lot of arguing. I just hoped that Bas, Chris and Shane would be on my side. Shane knew better than anyone, the hell that this could turn into if they wouldn’t listen.

I walked into the kitchen and everyone else was already scattered throughout the room, sipping from coffee cups and shoveling in various breakfast foods. There didn’t seem to be much conversation going on, at least nothing serious. From the looks I got when I walked into the room, I knew that was about to change. Vi immediately rushed me and wrapped her arms around me tightly before I made it any further into the room.

She didn’t need to say anything; I felt everything she was trying to tell me. After she released me, we both grabbed seats around the kitchen table. Danny and Marcus were also seated at the table with Spade. Looked like everyone was going to be in on this. Bas, Chris and Kyden were standing around the counter and Ace was digging around in cupboards. Shane was leaning against the wall just off to the side. At first nobody seemed to want to be the one to bring up the reason we were all here, but finally Spade dove right in with his usual tactless approach.

“So I don’t get why we have to have a meeting to discuss the appropriate course of action. It’s simple enough to me. I grab my rifle and take the bastard out, put an end to this.”

“I agree. We’ve handled shitheads a lot more dangerous and hard to reach than this punk,” Ace backed him.

I wanted to slam my head down on the table. This was going to be fun. “You can’t do that,” I argued.

“Why the hell not? We’re not afraid, and we can do this without anyone knowing,” Spade countered. “Hell, we’ve done it dozens of time just on orders, without even knowing the why sometimes. At least this time it’s with damn good reason.”

“This isn’t the same thing, this isn’t some third world country where you’re gonna be dropped in and then flown back out. This is Boston, and it’s illegal,” I pointed out.

“So is what he’s doing Princess, and the law isn’t doing a damn thing to stop it.”

“Because they can’t, and you guys can’t do anything either. I won’t let you,” I told him, meeting his fiery stare with my own.

“You gonna stop us Princess?”

“Knock it off Ky,” Chris chimed in.

“This isn’t your guys’ fight. This is about me. As much as I appreciate that you all want to protect me, what you guys are talking about is murder. How can any of you think that is okay? And I will not let any of you sacrifice yourselves, and that’s exactly what you would be doing if you went after him. No matter how you guys feel, this is my decision to make. Nobody is killing or dying for me. I won’t let you put that on me.” They had to listen and understand. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if they did that. I didn’t want blood on their hands, and I didn’t want them to pay for it when they got caught. Not from the cops, and especially not from my dad.

“Fine, so we don’t put a bullet in his skull, we’ll just track him down, wait until he’s alone, and make him realize how bad of an idea it is for him to come after you again,” Spade suggested.

“I can get behind that,” Danny agreed, and I saw a couple more heads nodding along with them.

“Hey dumbasses, that’s a stupid fucking idea.” Not the most compelling argument Chris could have made, and it only succeeded in riling the guys up more.

“Well it’s a lot better than sitting back and not doing a damn thing about it like you assholes want to do. How can you be okay with that?” Ace retorted.

Thankfully Bas stepped in before it digressed into a shouting match. “What he’s trying to say, is that you guys haven’t dealt with anything like this before. Trust me, we get how pissed off you are. You’re forgetting that Chris and I were the ones who saw her bruised and bloody and had to watch my dad stitch her up. If you think I didn’t want to break his neck then and every day after, then you’re seriously mistaken, but we know what we’re saying when we tell you it’s a bad fucking move.”

“We won’t get caught. We’ll jump his ass and disappear,” Spade disputed. I just shook my head and looked around in desperation. One by one I took in their expressions, hoping they weren’t all that single-minded and reckless. Danny. Marcus. Ace. Kyden. Spade. They all had the same determined look. Finally my eyes met Shane’s and I silently pleaded with him to do something.

He straightened up and spoke to them. “You might not get caught, but that’s an awfully big risk you’re willing to take on a maybe’s chances and I don’t think any of you are fully aware of just how great a risk it would be. Connor might be a sick fuck, but I have no doubt that he’s smart enough to figure out who would want to protect her. Kicking his ass is an even worse decision than killing him. Leaving him alive guarantees he’d come after you, but either way, if Connor or my Dad decides to come after you, you’re done, and these guys play by their own set of rules. It’s not just you they’ll come after if they decide they really want you to pay. You’ve all got people you care about, and you’ll be putting targets on their backs as well.”

Finally, something that sobered them up. I saw hesitation and doubt to creep into their features. They couldn’t ignore his arguments, like they dismissed the rest. It was obvious though, that none of them were happy about the facts. Kyden still looked down right murderous, but this time I could tell it was because he had accepted there wasn’t anything he could do. I doubted that was a feeling he had often.

“So then what, we just let him at her again because nobody can do a damn thing about it?” Kyden growled.

“I didn’t say that. There are two people in this room who could do something about it.” I caught on to his meaning right away, and everyone else was close behind me. “Jax, you need to go to Dad.” I froze.

“Why the hell would she do that? Isn’t he a part of all this?” Kyden demanded to know.

“He won’t hurt her and he doesn’t know what Connor did,” he explained and then looked to me. “I know you think he was involved, and he was, but not the way you think. He would never have let Connor get away with that, and he wouldn’t now if you told him.”

“I can’t,” I protested.

“It’s the only way to stop this without things getting bloody Jax.”

“You don’t understand. I can’t. It wouldn’t do any good. He didn’t listen then and he won’t listen to me now. You weren’t there the last time I tried to tell him, you didn’t hear the things he said to me. I can’t do that again.” I had never felt so shattered and humiliated as I had when my father had angrily dismissed me and refused to listen. His words had been cutting and awful. I had no desire to relive that.

“Then make him listen.”

“No,” I snapped.

Shane looked so frustrated, but his eyes were somber and held disappointment, like he had known that would be my decision, but had hoped against it. He closed his eyes and scrubbed his palms over them. When he opened them again and looked at me, his expression was hard and resolved. He exhaled a deep breath. “Okay, Then I’ll handle it.”

“What do you mean you’ll handle it?” I asked, afraid of what his response would be.

“I mean exactly what I said. I’ll take care of Connor.”

Wait, what? No. I knew what “take care of” meant, and that was not what he was supposed to say. He was supposed to talk the rest of them down and that’s it, not volunteer himself. How could he possibly think that was any better? I mean yeah I had briefly considered it myself last night, but deep down I had known there was no way I would be able to go through with it. I meant it when I said I didn’t want to be responsible for any spilt blood.

“The hell you will,” I declared. “When I said I didn’t want anyone going after him, that meant you too.”

“Too damn bad, little sister. This is the only option if you won’t go to Dad. He wouldn’t listen to me if I tried, it would have to be you.”

“No. That can’t be the only option,” I cried.

“I thought you said it was too dangerous to go after Connor,” Ace spoke and Shane looked over at him.

“Too dangerous for you guys. My father and I aren’t on speaking terms, but he wouldn’t touch me. I can do this. I’m the only one who can.”

“Shane, no,” I started to argue again.

“Just stop,” he demanded, cutting off my arguments. His tone was harsh and unyielding. This wasn’t the brother I was growing to love, this was the man my father had trained. The one who gave orders and expected them to be followed. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had to do something like this, and it’s never mattered as much as it does now. Like your friend said earlier, at least this time it would be for something important and not just following orders. I can get to Connor like no one else can and he won’t see me coming. He got a pass before when he shouldn’t have. I should have ended him a long time ago and I’m not going to make that mistake again. He’s never going to touch you again.”

“But you’ve got a family. You got out,” I tried to remind him. He turned his back on all of it to give his wife and daughter a better life, to be a better man, and now because of me he was going to be thrown back into the violence.

“And I’ll still be out when it’s done, but it is going to be done. So stay here until I tell you. If you have to leave I want someone with you at all times and no one tries to get anywhere near Connor.” He looked around the room to make sure everyone heard and understood him. The man barking out orders and laying down the rules was definitely the man my father had raised to take over. This was a room full of egotistical and domineering guys, but not a single one of them questioned him.  He looked back at me. “Stay out of the bars and clubs, and you really shouldn’t be left without at least two people here.”

That was that. Shane made the decision and he laid out how it would go. There wasn’t anything I could do to talk him out of it. Part of me was relieved, because as much as I hated to admit it, Shane could do this. He could take care of Connor like it was nothing, but another part of me was overwrought. How was me letting him do it any better than me doing it myself? It was wrong no matter who carried it out. I knew it would take him a little bit of time to set things up, I just had to hope I could beg and plead and talk him out of it before it was too late to take anything back.

He was willing to live with taking a life, but I wasn’t willing to let him. No matter what he had done for my father in the past, that’s exactly what it was, his past. Izzy and Lucy were his present and future and they deserved the Shane who had turned his life around. They deserved better than a killer. He knew it and I knew it, and I wasn’t sure what would happen to him if he went through with it, because there was no way that taking a life wouldn’t change him again.

Shane’s words played in my head over and over again. He said there was another way. It wasn’t the first time he had tried to tell me I was wrong about my dad, and I didn’t believe him any more now than I had the first time he tried, but I did wonder if maybe I should try. If I went to my dad would it really change anything? Could I save Shane from what he was planning to do and save myself at the same time by giving my father the chance to prove me wrong? What happened though if he didn’t, what happened if he proved Shane wrong? Where would that leave me? If I went to him and he handed me over to Connor, what then?

Chapter 28

The following two weeks were some of the longest in my life. If I thought I was being coddled and crowded before, now I was straight up being smothered. I wasn’t allowed to drive myself to and from work. I couldn’t even hide out in Chris’ room without someone knocking to check in on me every ten minutes, as if Connor might have ninjad up the side of the house, in the window and abducted me without them hearing anything.

I was fine with taking precautions and being safe, but they were taking overprotective to a whole new level and I was suffocating. On top of that I still hadn’t talked Shane out of “operation hitman” and Kyden was tipping the scale of craziness in my life. He was the worst about hovering and denying me time to myself, but as obnoxious as it was, he was also being unusually pleasant and that’s what made me the craziest.

I started doing things just to see if I could push his buttons and get him to react. Only he never did. He actually went to the store to get me special laundry soap when I complained that I didn’t like the smell of theirs. He turned the heat on when I complained about being cold, even though it was a warm day and I wasn’t the least bit chilled. He didn‘t balk when I made him sit through hours of chick flicks, which to be honest I thought for sure would be his breaking point. Let’s just say that now he is very familiar with the works of Nicholas Sparks and he didn’t complain once, which had to be difficult for him.

I was also sure that he was responsible for the stock of peanut butter M&Ms in the house. I even found a package of Nutter Butters sitting on the counter and strawberry milk in the fridge. He shook his head and sighed, but didn’t say a word when he watched me devour them. He could have his healthy, sludge protein shake. Give me the sugar. I guess that‘s why he had the chiseled abs and mine were slightly less chiseled and a little more . . . soft. I was definitely in favor of his diet as he had a habit of walking around the house shirtless. While I didn’t want things to get any more complicated than they already were, I had no problem looking, and I looked a lot.

I probably should have demanded that he remain fully clothed in my presence, but I knew if I did, I would end up looking at his smug grin instead. No way was I admitting that seeing his bare chest made me want to lick those abs. Oh man, I really was losing it if I was thinking about licking any part of him, but that’s what happens when you spend so much time cooped up with someone so attractive. You start forgetting all the reasons why your body parts shouldn‘t ever go anywhere near their body parts.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it, he had the most flexible work schedule of all the guys. He was able to rearrange most of his music lessons, or have them at the house, which meant he was my designated babysitter most days. The few times he did have his students over to the house I sat quietly and listened to them. Two of them were teenage boys and one was a middle aged woman. He was a really good teacher; patient and funny. It was another side of him that surprised me.

I was still undecided on whether or not spending so much time with him was good or bad. My stance shifted daily if not hourly. I couldn’t decide whether it was harder to be his friend when he was being an arrogant, self-centered prick, or when he was so sweet and charming that I wanted to wrap myself around him and get lost in his embrace. Both made it difficult and neither left me with feelings that were strictly friendly. If I wasn’t wanting to strangle him I was wanting to kiss him. I was going to lose my mind if something didn’t give soon.

The one thing that I did revel in, probably a little too much, was the fact that he hadn’t gone out once during the week, which meant no Kaylie. In fact, none of the guys had really gone out or done any partying since our temporary cohabitation began. They said it was nice to have a break while they worked things out with the record label, but I still felt slightly guilty for inconveniencing their lives. The guilt didn’t outweigh how pleased I was that the revolving door of girls was closed, at least temporarily. I told myself it was about all of them, but the truth was, as hard as I tried not to care, Kaylie was still an issue for me. Ky was still an issue for me.

I hadn’t wavered from my decision not to go there, but my emotions were still all over the place when it came to him. Every time I was in the same room with him, I got those damn flutters in my stomach and my heart rate picked up, but I didn’t give in. I’d known it wouldn’t be easy and it wasn’t. My heart wanted to do its own thing, despite what my head told it. Still, I didn’t do anything other than look, and appreciate and okay maybe a little fantasizing, but that’s it. Even in the moments when I was tempted the most.

Last night had been one of those moments. After getting off work and having dinner, I’d curled up on the sofa to watch episodes of Supernatural with Kyden. Without a word, he grabbed my feet, pulled them into his lap and started massaging them all because I’d said it had been a long day at the gallery and that my heels had made my feet sore. I tried not to look at him and give away just how affected I was by his touch, but I couldn’t help myself. When I did give in and look over at him and our eyes met, I got the impression that he was struggling as much as I was with what he wanted. He had this look on his face, the same one he’d had a few other times when I thought he was going to kiss me. I was sure that if I just made the decision for the both of us and crashed my lips into his, he would welcome it, but I didn’t. Then the moment passed, but the feeling it created inside of me didn’t.

He was a drug that I was having a hard time resisting, but nothing made me forget where it would end if I gave in. Whether I liked it or not, he was becoming too important to me, in more ways than one. The moment I gave would not only be the moment I lost respect for myself, but it would also be the moment I lost him period. It would ruin everything, and even his mood swings and man whoring couldn’t make me want that; want him out of my life. I was clearly a glutton for punishment or masochist to want to keep going through it.

When it came down to it, he was there for me when it really mattered and that meant enough to me not to want to destroy it all for a kiss or even two. Even if I was sure they would be world rocking, heart stopping, leave you panting for more kisses. I’d had plenty of time to let my imagination run wild and when it came to his lips and what I thought they would feel like pressed to mine. My imagination had been working overtime.

Like right now, he was standing across from me in the kitchen, in a pair of athletic shorts and a sleeveless shirt, sweaty from the evening run he’d just finished, chugging an ice cold bottle of water. How I wished for a moment to be that water bottle.

Uhnn. I silently groaned in frustration and shook my head it to clear it.

“Problem Princess?” He raised an eyebrow and gave me a smirk that told me he didn’t need to be a mind reader to figure out the direction my thoughts were heading in. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of a response. I just picked up my own glass of water and left the room.

Marcus, Ace and Spade were in the living room playing Xbox, taunting and swearing into their headsets as they blasted through their opponents. Even quiet, shy Marcus had a competitive, foul mouthed side that I only ever saw come out when he had a controller in hand.

“There’s my girl. Get over here Rainbow.” I set my glass on the coffee table and plopped down on the couch between Spade and Ace. “Here, take the controller.” Spade tried to hand it off to me.

“What? No. I can’t play,” I protested, but it did me little good.

“Yes you can, I’m gonna teach you.” He grinned like he thought it was the best idea he’d ever had. Somehow I found myself holding the controller and attempting to follow his instructions. I had a hard time figuring out the different commands though, and kept accidentally tossing grenades instead of shooting, but I still killed a few people. At one point I called in an air strike when I simply meant to change weapons, but I pretended like that was what I’d meant to do.

Without Marcus and Ace sticking close to cover me while I got the hang of it, I would have been dead several times over. Although, I don’t think Ace was real thrilled when I accidentally shot him because I panicked thinking he was someone from the other side trying to sneak up on me. However, when the voices of the other players on our team came over the headsets with all kinds of comments on my intelligence for shooting my own teammate, and all the other mistakes I had made, Ace didn’t hesitate to lay into them. In fact all three guys started yelling through their mics in my defense. It was kind of sweet. The words that came out of their mouths were completely inappropriate, but still sweet none the less.

After a few more rounds my skills improved and I was actually starting to enjoy myself. I still wasn’t even close to level of anyone else playing, but at least I wasn’t killing teammates and blowing up things that didn’t need blowing up. Once Spade felt confident that I had the basics down, he tried to hand the mic off to me as well. Up to that point he had kept it on and done all the trash talking, but apparently it was a vital part of the game that the guys insisted I experience. He had it attached to my head before I could really object or stop him.

“I don’t know what to say,” I whispered.

“Just say whatever you want, first thing that pops into your head,” Spade instructed, and then the guys proceeded to give me more examples, none of which I could ever bring myself to repeat about someone’s mother, nationality or sexual preferences.

“I can’t say those things, that’s really mean and messed up,” I argued. “Oooh nice shot,” I spoke into the mic. Even though the guy wasn’t on my team, he took Marcus out just like that, and none of us saw him. There was some chuckling from guys on the other team when Ace scolded me over the mic for commending the guy who shot Marcus.

“Princess, what were they thinking giving you a mic?” I glanced to the right to see Kyden standing in the hall outside the bathroom in nothing but a towel, still dripping from the shower he’d obviously taken.

Holy freakin nearly naked man Batman!

He was going to be the death of me. I was pretty sure my heart stopped. Didn’t matter how many times I saw that physique, it was a beautiful sight every time, and I couldn’t pull my eyes away from it.

Hard planes, defined muscles, sprawling ink, the fine trail of hair that disappeared beneath the towel, and the ‘V,’ oh that ‘V.’ Something about it on a guy makes a girl shudder every time, or at least me. I was so caught up in gawking that it was no surprise when I was taken out by a knife without even getting a shot off. I knew I was pathetic, no one needed to point it out, but that didn’t stop the three guys sitting around me from letting me hear it. Thankfully they waited until after Kyden had winked and then disappeared behind his bedroom door with a grin on his face.

“Damn girl, I thought we were going to have to restrain you to keep you from going over there and licking all the water off him like he was a fucking oasis in the middle of the desert,” Spade teased, and the other two snickered right along with him.

I just groaned, set the controller aside and buried my face in my hands. “Someone should probably just put me out of my misery,” I whined, finally looking up to face their amused expressions.

“Nah don’t worry about, ain’t the first time we’ve seen that look, and honestly you’re the only one who’s ever held out,” Ace tried to assure me, but it really didn’t do much good. I felt like I was seconds away from crumbling, pride and morals be damned. I needed something to take my mind off naked Kyden just a couple doors down from me. More shooting and blowing stuff up would have to suffice.

The guys, thankfully, didn’t give me any more crap about him and were happy to continue instilling me with battle skills and trash talking. That part I never really got the hang of, it was just too mean, even if it was just part of the game. I did still manage to get myself in a little bit of trouble with the mic and guys from the opposing side though.

NightShade: I’ve played with Spade before and I don’t remember his voice sounding like a hot chick.

SpadeBringer (me): He’s teaching me how to play. This is my first time.

KillSwitch: I’ll to teach you how to play.

NightShade: So you’re obviously not Spade, what’s your name?

SpadeBringer: Jaxyn.

NightShade: That’s hot. You’ve got a hot voice too Jaxyn.

SpadeBringer: Ummmm thanks. I think.

KillSwitch: Is Spade your boyfriend Jaxyn?

SpadeBringer: No, he’s just a friend.

KillSwitch: Do you have a boyfriend?

SpadeBringer: Uh no. I don’t.

NightShade: I’ll be your boyfriend. I bet you’re smoking. Anyone else know this girl? Is she smoking?

XAcesX (Ace): Yeah she is. (He grinned and winked at me.)

NightShade: Damn. I knew it.

Kaldricus: So Jaxyn this is your first time? We’re not being too rough are we? (Unfortunately I didn’t catch the sexual innuendo until after I opened my mouth and responded.)

SpadeBringer: I don’t mind it rough. That just makes it more exciting.

KillSwitch: Fuck Me.

Kaldricus: So you like it rough?

NightShade: Any time you want it rough, I’d be happy to give it to you that way.

At that point Spade took the mic away, and told me I wasn’t allowed to talk on it anymore. But then Marcus and Ace killed several of those guys on the other team, and ended up winning the round. After that, they suggested I talk on the mic more often since I apparently got the other team a little riled up, which served as the distraction they needed to eliminate them.

Even after they took the headset away I was sitting close enough to Ace and Spade that I could hear voices coming in over the mic, and thanks to my slip up several of the guys from both teams were still expressing desires to show me how rough the “game” could be. One player, DungeonMaster, was so explicit that when I heard his words, my face turned ten shades of crimson. Two seconds later Ace put a bullet in him.

I wasn’t sure if I ever wanted to play again. Guys were such pervs sometimes. Spade got four new friend requests on his account after that game and the guys all laughed. It was their fault for forcing me to talk on the headset anyway, if anyone was to blame for the debacle it was definitely Spade.

They shut off the game in favor of finding food. Danny and Chris both came home not long after, and Bas showed up right behind them to hang out. Spade recounted my Xbox live lesson for the second time when they came in. Kyden had already heard all about it, but apparently it was just as amusing hearing it the second time as it was the first. They were all entertained by my embarrassing chat session.

“I agree. We need to just give her a mic and let her loose on ‘em every time we play, won’t know what hit ‘em.” Chris completely supported Ace’s suggestion that they use me as a distraction tactic. I didn’t know if I should be offended.

“I’m pretty sure half of them were hard just listening to her talk, and then after she said that, I don’t even think they cared that we were picking them off like flies,” Ace added.

“It’s not like I meant to say that, or, well I didn’t mean it like they took it. It’s not my fault they’re depraved. That you’re all depraved,” I defended myself.

“That’s kind of the point Jazz. You don’t know what half the shit you say does to guys because you’re too cute and innocent for your own good sometimes. Couldn’t even tell you how many guys’ faces Chris and I had to get in back in high school to keep them away from her.”

“What?” How did I not know about this? “I don’t remember you having to get in anyone’s face for me.”

“He’s telling the truth Tink. I’m pretty sure I had to threaten most of the guys on the football team. After practice a lot of them would stand around and watch you girls finish your soccer practice. I finally had to tell Bas that he needed to steal all of your damn short shorts when you weren’t paying attention just because I was afraid I was going to get into a fight if they kept checking out your legs and ass.”

“That’s where all my shorts went?” Bas had a guilty expression on his face. “I thought Janine was taking them out of my bag because she was mad I made varsity freshman year and she didn‘t. It totally makes sense now why you kept offering to loan me your extra shorts every time I said I needed to go buy new ones.” After freshman year I was used to wearing Bas’ slightly baggy shorts for practices and just kept some of them.

Bas and Chris thought it was a good idea to share more embarrassing stories from my teenage years, but I put an end to story time by threatening to bust out my own arsenal of embarrassing stories. They finally shut up when I shared the time that Lacey Flores dumped her lunch over Chris’ head in the middle of the cafeteria and then started hitting him with her tray because he slept with her and then asked someone else to homecoming.

I had cheered Lacey on that day when I saw her laying into him. Even if he was family, guys who pulled that crap had it coming. On the other hand, she was partially to blame for letting him use her like that.

One more reason I wasn’t going to give in to my feelings. I had no desire to end up in her shoes, humiliated and shamed. I’d seen too many of those girls in Chris’ past, and had now seen a few of them since getting to know the rest of these guys. I loved them all, but almost every one of them engaged in casual sex and then blew the girls off after a few dates at the most.

I was genuinely surprised none of them had permanent indentations on their faces in the shape of handprints from just the number of times I had seen them get slapped. I had to admit that most of those girls should have expected it. They portray themselves as sex objects and then get treated like it. Every girl deserves better than that, but they can’t expect it if they don’t demand it.

I understood what it was to be tempted though. Kyden made it so enticing, but I didn’t want the cheap imitation of love that the world sold. It’s not ‘just sex’ and it will never be ‘just sex.’ I don’t have many examples of the real thing in my life but I still know the difference.

Maybe it was silly and childish to believe that there was one special someone, not five or ten different someones, out there for me, but I did. I could wait for him. I was convinced that what I would have with him would be a thousand times better than anything I could ever find or feel in something purely physical and entirely temporary. First I had to convince my heart to give up its obsession with Kyden.

Chapter 29

“I asked you to bring me something cute to wear. Were you in a freaking tunnel or something and you misheard me and thought I said slutty? If so you should have asked me to repeat myself because in what reality would I ever ask you to bring me something slutty?” Vi stood in front of me holding a scarf, yes I say scarf because there wasn’t near enough fabric for that thing to be a dress.

“Would you just put it on already?” She tossed it at me.

“No! I can’t wear this out there,” I hissed and threw it on the bed. “I wouldn’t even wear that clubbing, and this is just a house party. I would look so inappropriate.” I wasn’t tall by any means but that scrap would barely cover my butt. The back was completely missing except for the tiny halter straps, and it was so stretchy it looked like it belonged on hooker Barbie, not a real person.

The guys were having a party. They’d decided that after two weeks of spending their nights just hanging out at home, they needed to unwind and let loose, so they invited a bunch of people over. I hadn’t brought a lot of clothing with me, aside from work clothes and stuff for lounging around the house so I’d asked Vi to bring me something, which was obviously a mistake.

“Vi. I really can’t wear that,” I groaned, disappointed that I was going to have to dig through my pile of pencil skirts and dress pants to try and find something. Nothing could happen between Kyden and I, but I was still shallow enough to want to look good.

“Fine then, I guess you can wear this.” She smiled and pulled more clothes from her bag. I sighed with relief when it appeared to be at least three times the fabric that made up the scarf dress. “I just wanted to see if I could actually get you into that dress.” She rolled her eyes when I practically ripped the second outfit from her hands. “Just think of what Kyden would say if he saw you in it,” She teased.

“I know exactly what he and everyone else would think, that’s the problem. Whore isn’t really the look I had in mind for tonight, or ever.” I started slipping out of the yoga pants and sweatshirt that I had on and changed into the much more appropriate outfit Vi provided.

The skinny jeans, emphasis on the skinny, looked like they were painted on, but were still better than the first option. The purple tank top hugged my curves almost as snugly as the jeans. It was cute though, and covered everything important so I didn’t complain. I let Vi curl my hair and then pull it into some kind of twist that fell over my shoulder. A little bit of kohl around the eyes finished the look and I was ready to join the party. If the noise level outside the room was any indication, it was in full swing.

Turned out that dress might not have been so out of place after all. It would have covered more than what a couple of the strippers, I mean girls, were wearing, but I guess they weren’t invited for their shining personalities. The cute little red head glued to Marcus’ side was the exception. I guessed she must be the girl from one of his study groups that he’d been talking about for weeks.

I was happy for him and impressed. Somehow, despite living with a house full of debauched musicians, he remained sweet, and lovable, if not a little awkward. He was used to the scene around him, but Red, I think Marcy or Maysie was her name, looked out of place. She was clutching Marcus like she was terrified he would let go of her hand. I hoped she wouldn’t be scared off by it all.

“Come on Vi.” I tugged her along behind me on my way over to where Marcus and the girl were standing with his brother and cousin, as well as a few people I didn’t know.

“Hey Marcus,” I caught his attention. “Introduce us to your friend.” She looked Vi and I up and down, and whatever she saw must have relieved her because some of the tension I saw, melted away. I didn’t imagine the harpies were being all that friendly.

“Jaxyn, Violette, this is Maysie, a friend from MIT.” It was so cute, his cheeks turned pink. He liked this girl. Really, really liked this girl.

“It’s nice to meet you Maysie. We’re going to the kitchen to find something to drink, want to tag along?” She looked a little unsure of my invitation, but must have decided we were harmless because she agreed to join us.

“We didn’t mean to take you away from your boy there, but we figured it would do you some good to see that not all of us are superficial tramps,” Vi reassured her on our way to the kitchen. “The guys’ parties can be a little overwhelming if you’re not used to it.”

“Yeah,” she admitted. “I knew his brother was in a band, and he warned me that sometimes they can get a little out of hand, but I really wanted to come anyway.” This time it was her turn to get a little red in the cheeks. I was glad to see that her feelings seemed to match Marcus’. It would be really good for him to end up with someone nice like Maysie, before he was swayed to the dark side of commitment phobic one night stands.

We snagged our beverages, nonalcoholic for myself and Maysie; she was only nineteen and definitely not a rule breaking, rebel child. Then we bumped into Bas and Lissa. They were, well Bas and Lissa again, the one bright spot that came from what had been an otherwise an awful day. Not surprisingly, I hadn’t seen too much of Bas all week. They were still making up and since Lissa was all smiles, I’d say it was going well. We stole her as well for our girl bonding. Bas didn’t want to let her go, but he’d get over it.

We decided to take our little four person party to the deck out back, away from the drinking game going on in the kitchen and the girls fawning all over Spade and his guitar in the living room. Lissa was already a little tipsy and giggly so the fresh air would do her good. On our way out the back door we bumped into Kyden and Kaylie coming inside.

The butterflies and jealousy hit me full force and I couldn’t stop it. I felt his eyes on me as we passed by them, but I didn’t look up to meet his gaze. The two of them together was the reminder I needed after two weeks of having him to myself. He wasn’t mine. He couldn’t be mine. I followed the girls out the door and brushed the run in aside. Vi didn’t say anything but she kept sneaking glances in my direction.

Twenty minutes later I needed to use the bathroom and got up to go inside. Kaylie was standing just outside the bathroom door, but this time she was alone. I almost turned around, but decided I wouldn’t give her that much power.

“You know, you can move in here and play this damsel in distress to get his attention, but it’s not going to take long for him to see you for what you are, just pathetic. It’s sad really that you think he’d even want you.”

“It’s even sadder that you keep coming back for more and acting like a jealous girlfriend, but last time I checked you were just one of many girls. Clearly I’m not the only one he doesn’t want,” I retorted.

Hatred and pain flashed in her eyes, but it quickly turned to anger and she didn’t back down. “Except, it’s not going to be some other girl in his bed tonight,” She gloated. “You might want to sleep somewhere else tonight. Kyden gets pretty wild and we tend to be loud. Wouldn’t want you to have to hear that.”

“You expect me to be jealous that you’re his sex toy? Sorry, go wave your slut flag elsewhere. Someone in the kitchen might actually care.” I meant it too, I really didn’t care anymore. She could say whatever she wanted. It didn’t matter, I was done listening.

By that time I had forgotten why I was even standing there. I turned to go back outside and heard her storm off in a huff behind me. That was one of the meanest things I’d ever said to anyone and I might have felt bad if I wasn’t so hurt myself. I couldn’t deny that tight feeling in my chest at having her throw their physical relationship in my face. Not because I wanted it. That’s what I finally realized during our little encounter. I didn’t need to be jealous of her. She didn’t actually have anything I wanted. All she had was his body. What I wanted so badly was the one thing he wasn’t willing to give. His heart. That was the reason my own was hurting. He would never really open it up to me, and I was kidding myself if I thought that the time we’d spent together in the past two weeks changed that.

“You okay?” I hadn’t realized that anyone had witnessed our verbal sparring match, but Ace was standing there, having overheard us once again.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You should tell him,” he said, and I knew what he was talking about. I started to protest, but he stopped me, “I know he’s an ass but he wouldn’t let her treat you like that. She might be in his bed, but it doesn’t mean he’d choose her.”

Didn’t mean he wouldn’t either. I would be better off just avoiding her from now on. “I can handle her. I shouldn’t have even let her get to me. She and Kyden are, well, whatever they are. Kyden and I aren’t anything.”

“Do you even believe yourself?” He asked.

“No, but I’m hoping if I say it enough, I’ll start to,” I confessed. “I know I’m pretty lame, falling for the bad boy. Could I be any more cliché?”

“You’re not lame. In the beginning I would have said it was a bad idea, but there is something between you two. He cares more than he’ll admit. I’m not saying that to encourage you, because I don’t want you to get hurt, but I think if there was ever a girl he would do anything to avoid hurting, it’d be you. I think that’s why she’s here. He’s trying to push you away and using her to do it, but if you really want him, you could take him. We all see it, and she knows it as well. You just have to decide what you’re going to do about it.”

Nothing. Because even if I did “take him” like Ace said I could, I didn’t know what it would mean, if it would mean anything. I wouldn’t be her replacement, but I also wouldn’t stay here and let him use her to keep me away, if that’s really what he was doing. I’d find somewhere else to stay.

From the look in Kyden’s eyes when he came around the corner toward us, it needed to be sooner rather than later. He was fuming and his sights were set on me. I tensed up and Ace noticed my reaction. He turned to see what had set me on edge and narrowed his eyes when he saw Kyden gunning for me.

“I know you’re not Kaylie’s biggest fan, but could you keep the jealousy bullshit to yourself. You’ve had a tough week, but did you really need to start shit with her tonight? If you want something from me let’s just go in the bedroom and work it out and leave her the fuck out of it.”

Really? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Actually I could, he was a jerk, a complete jerk. I knew it and yet every time he showed his real colors I was caught off guard.

“Are you being serious right now man?” Ace was pissed, and I knew there was no way he wasn’t going to set Kyden straight. So much for handling it myself. Honestly I would have been fine just walking away and letting him believe whatever he wanted. It would actually make it easier for me to distance myself from him, but Ace wasn’t willing to let it go.

“Yes I’m being fucking serious. I’m tired of this hot and cold.” He glared at me. “One minute you’re looking at me like you want to jump my bones and the next you’re acting like you don’t want anything to do with me, but calling everyone who does a slut. I’m done with it. Either let’s just fuck and get it over with, or restrain yourself when it comes to Kaylie.”

“You don’t know what the hell you’re saying Ky. It’s your bitch who needs to be restrained, and if either one of you says one more thing to Jax, I will knock you on your ass.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Kyden looked seriously surprised by Ace’s reaction.

“I don’t know what that skank told you, but you should know better man. She’s the one who attacked Jax, and it wasn’t the first time it’s happened. You should have heard the shit she said about Jaxyn’s mom when you brought her to the house to pick me up that morning. She’s lucky I don’t hit girls.”

“Princess?” I hated how that one word made me feel. I hated that the way he said it made it sound like he cared, but how could he believe her if that were true? I just stared at my feet, afraid if I looked into his eyes I would lose all of my resolve and just let him walk all over me.

“Look at me.” His tone was demanding and made it clear he wasn’t going to tolerate being ignored. I finally looked up to meet his gaze, and what I saw was slightly startling. His eyes held even more fire and fury than they had moments ago when he was tearing into me. His expression softened slightly when our eyes locked.

“Is it true?”

I just shrugged, not sure what he wanted me to say. What difference would it make now if I told him? I was done with all of this.

“Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me she was harassing you?”

“Maybe because you’ve been an ass and keep throwing Kaylie in her face. Can you really blame her for not coming to you?” Ace defended me once more.

Ky cursed under his breath, and then his eyes found mine again. “I didn’t know what she was doing. I thought you really were jealous. I thought – fuck, I don’t know what I was thinking.” It almost sounded like disappointment in his voice. I tried to search his face, but he looked away. It was the first time I’d ever seen him so stripped of his confidence.

“Ky, baby, are you coming?” Kaylie appeared again, looking smug like she knew he came out here to defend her, but as soon as Kyden whipped his head around, her expression changed drastically. She was probably being fixed with that intimidating glare I had gotten a glimpse at not ten minutes ago. “What’s wrong baby?” Her voice wavered.

“What the fuck do you think is wrong baby?” He sneered, not an ounce of affection in his tone.

“What did she say Ky? Is she feeding you more lies trying to get you to feel sorry for her? It’s all an act, she’s not as innocent as she pretends to be.”

“Shut your fucking mouth. I don’t want to hear you say one damn word about her.” He stalked toward her and she visibly cowered. “You seriously said shit about her mom? After I told you that she died?” Her lack of response didn’t stop him and he completely shredded her. “That’s low even for you. You’re a disgusting, spiteful bitch and whatever you think we had is over. I’m done with you and I want you gone, like fucking now.”

It wasn’t pretty to witness him berating her, and when he was done, she was barely holding back tears. She didn’t have any fight left in her at that point. With her shoulders slumped and her head bowed she turned and walked away, not a word or sound other than a choked sob she tried to hide. It wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I thought it would be. I actually felt sorry for her.

I couldn’t blame her for falling for him. I was guilty of that too, so I also couldn’t blame her for trying to hold onto him. She was spiteful and cruel, but she just had her heart annihilated, and that was more than even she deserved.

I felt awkward standing there, but before I could slip away, Kyden turned back to face me. All of the anger had melted away. He let out a deep breath, and ran a hand through his hair, leaving it messy and just the way I liked it. He looked good, really good. That’s not what I should have been thinking in that moment, but I couldn’t help myself.

I was too busy noticing the way the way his hair fell and wondering what it would be like to run my own fingers through it that I failed to notice when Ace slipped away. I was left alone with Kyden, and even though the party was carrying on just down the hall, it felt like we were the only two around.

Fifteen minutes ago I was crushed because he was with Kaylie, five minutes ago I was mad at him for believing her lies, thirty seconds ago I was appalled at the way he ripped her apart without hesitation, and now . . . Now I just wanted him to keep looking at me the way he was, like I was the only person who mattered.

“Can we talk?”

I just nodded.

“Not here. I don’t want to be interrupted.” I let him take my hand and lead me into his bedroom. When he shut the door behind us, my heart rate kicked up, and I knew that after tonight things would be different, I just didn’t know if it was going to be better or worse.

Chapter 30

Neither one of us spoke at first. I stood in the middle of his room, taking it in. It was the first time I had seen the inside and it wasn’t what I’d expected, except for the music paraphernalia all over. There were no posters of naked girls, no clutter and dirty laundry on the floor. It was surprisingly neat, but very masculine. Dark colors, not a lot of furnishings apart from a large, comfy looking, wood frame bed, a nightstand and a dresser.

He had a flat screen mounted on his wall, with yet another Xbox and what appeared to be a pretty nice sound system hooked up as well. There were a couple random band posters, but other than that the walls were bare. I saw a guitar; well actually more than one guitar, but this one, the way it was displayed, gave me the impression is was special. I knew it had to ‘Red’ his other baby besides his bike. The color may have been a giveaway as well.

There was also a small bookshelf near the TV, loaded with DVDs and books. I was incredibly curious about what he liked to read so I moved closer. Once again, what I saw wasn’t what I expected. They were real books, legitimate, substantial books. I was impressed to see a few classics as well some biographies and then a few fantasy and science fiction. Many of them were on my own bookshelves or e reader.

Kyden just stood next to the bed and watched me peruse all of his belongings. The whole time he was silent and if I hadn’t been so absorbed in finding out more about him, I probably would have felt uncomfortable having him watch me so intensely. He was the one who asked me in here to talk, so until he started talking, I was going to take advantage of this opportunity and keep satisfying my curiosity about him.

“I’m sorry Princess.” His words put an end to my perusal. I shifted my attention from his movie collection to where he was standing just inside the room.

“For?” I had no intention of making this easy for him.

“I guess there’s a lot I should be apologizing for.” He ran his hand through his hair again, and I was beginning to realize it was a nervous gesture, but what did he have to be nervous about? For a second I thought he had changed his mind about talking. He just stood there looking away from me, but then he sighed and something changed in him. It was like he made some decision and a weight was lifted off him. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” I was so lost, but afraid of where this was going. He said out in the hall that he’d had enough. Enough of me? That wasn’t fair, if anyone had the right to be upset, if anyone had had enough, it was me!

“Act like there isn’t anything going on here. You and me.”

“We’re friends,” I said hesitantly and he let out a bitter laugh.

“You and I are not friends, not even close. In fact, there hasn’t been a single moment since we met, Princess, that we’ve been friends. If you really believe otherwise, you’re lying to yourself.”

I thought I was prepared for the rejection, but nothing could have prepared me for the sting of his words. His dismissal hurt more than I wanted to admit. I felt the moisture building in my eyes. Rather than humiliate myself more by letting him see me cry, I turned to escape while I was still able to hold the tears back, but he reached out and grabbed my hand before I made it two steps. “Wait, you don’t understand.”

I certainly wasn’t going to argue that. I didn‘t understand what was going on. I was foolish enough to think that somehow I really was important to him. After the way he reacted out there and then threw Kaylie out, I let myself believe what Ace told me. That wasn’t the case though. We weren’t friends.

He turned me around and before I could ask him to explain anything, his lips were on mine. They were soft and gentle as he kissed me tentatively. His hand caressed my cheek as his mouth moved against mine. The last ounce of my resistance crumbled and I kissed him back. Then just as quickly as it happened, it was over. He pulled away and I was left breathless and wanting more.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that Princess. I’ve thought about how your lips would feel and taste a thousand times and I have to say that was even better than I imagined.” His words affected me almost as much as the kiss itself. I think my knees would have given out if he hadn’t been holding onto me. “Just so you know,” he leaned his face in close to mine again, “I plan on doing it again,” his lips feathered over mine once more. “and again.” He punctuated it with another brief kiss.

“I have no objections to that.” My voice was a breathy whisper and he chuckled.

“But not right now.”

Yes right now.

“Why not?” I sulked. All I wanted to do for the rest of my life was let him kiss me. The grin that took over his face said he knew exactly what I was thinking, but instead of giving me what I wanted, he released his hold on me and sat down on the bed. He patted the mattress next to him. I frowned but took a seat.

“As much as I would love to spend the rest of the night with you in my arms and our lips pressed together, we need to talk. Believe it or not that is why I brought you in here. I didn’t intend to kiss you silly until after, but I couldn’t help myself when I saw you were about to walk out of here.” Being reminded of how his words had hurt me was enough to clear the fog in my head, left behind by his kisses. I was still mad about what a jerk he’d been earlier and he had a lot of explaining to do. I straightened my back and scooted a few inches away from him.

“What did you mean when you said we were never friends?”

“I couldn’t be your friend then and I still can’t, because it’s not enough. It could never be enough with you. I want everything.” My breath caught and my heart thudded in my chest. “I want you to be mine and I’m tired of pretending I don’t. I tried. I tried so hard to do what was right for you and keep my promise, but there hasn’t been a single second where I didn’t want you. It’s all I’ve been able to think about since you fell into my lap.”

I was struggling to believe what I was hearing. I had imagined him saying those things over and over in my head, but now that it was actually happening, I was both excited and terrified. Did it mean what I wanted it to?

“And I’m not talking about just in my bed.” He seemed to read my mind.

“You said you couldn’t give me what I needed. You told me you didn’t do relationships.” Oh crap, was he even talking about a relationship? I probably just freaked him out by bringing up a relationship. But he said “everything.” “Everything” had to be more than that. Didn’t it?

“I know that’s what I said and I know I was an asshole to you. I just didn’t know what to do. You completely turned my life upside down. I loved the partying, the girls, all of it. I was content with everything I had, until you showed up. That all changed the moment I met you. I couldn’t get that crazy hair and sweet smile of yours out of my head, and your eyes. Those beautiful fucking eyes saw right through me. Then there was your fiery attitude. You told me day one that my shit wasn’t going to work on you. I think I was toast then. I just didn’t realize it because I’m a stubborn jackass.” I wasn’t going to argue with that.

“In the beginning I thought it would make everything easier if I could just prove you were like all the other girls and get you to sleep with me. I think I knew all along it wouldn’t work though, you’re not like anyone I’ve ever met.” He leaned his forehead against mine and closed his eyes for a moment. I sat there, unmoving, barely even breathing, until they opened again and he pulled away.

“When I found out what you’d been through, I knew I was no good for you. I promised myself I would back the hell off so I wouldn’t hurt you anymore than you’d already been hurt. That’s why I told you I only wanted to be friends, but it was a lie. I tried to push you away so many times, but I can’t keep doing it when all I really want is to keep you in my arms and protect you. I just want you to be mine.”

Was that I wanted too? I wasn’t sure so I hesitated to say anything. A part of me still felt like it would be a mistake to go down this road with him. And if we did do this, we needed to get a few things straight first.

“What happens if you change your mind? Are you going to throw me out like you just did Kaylie? I don’t want to be just another name on a long list of girls to be kicked to the curb like yesterday’s trash.” That was apparently the wrong thing to say because anger flashed in his eyes, and he stood towering over me.

“I thought I’d made it clear that you’re nothing like the other girls and I don’t ever want to hear you compare yourself to them.  They mean nothing to me, Kaylie means nothing to me.”

“Nothing is clear Ky. Everything about you scares me and I have no idea what to truly believe.” I confessed wearily. “Your actions since I’ve met you don’t match up with what you’re telling me now. Yesterday you were sleeping with Kaylie and today she’s nothing. Is that going to be me?” I dropped my head, unable to look at him, my eyes rested nervously on my own feet. He discarded girls so easily, and despite what he said, I had a hard time believing he wouldn’t be able to get rid of me so easily. I wouldn’t be able to bear that.

“Listen to me carefully.” He leaned down over me and lifted my chin so that I had no choice but to look at him. “There’s only one list that matters and the only name on it is yours. You’re the only one who has ever gotten inside me, and you didn’t just take a piece of me, you’ve got all of me Princess. You’re the only one who’s ever touched that part of me, and for the record, I wasn’t screwing anyone yesterday or any day since I almost kissed you in your bedroom.”

I knew it. He had been about to kiss me, but that wasn’t what my brain was focusing on. “You haven’t been with anyone?” I asked doubtfully. I’d seen him with too many girls, and then there was the night he took off at the cape and didn’t come back until the next morning, and the night Spade said he was celebrating with Kaylie and then he’d showed up with her the next morning. He had to be lying.

“I don’t want to lie to you. I’ve been with other girls. I’ve had my hands all over them and the things I let them do to me . . .” I felt sick to my stomach hearing about it, but the regret and shame on his face lessened the sting of his words as he continued. “I wanted to, needed to, get you out of my head, but I didn’t have sex with any of them. I stopped it before it got that far because no matter what I tried, you were there. I didn’t see any of those girls, all I saw was you. All I see is you.”

His words tore me in two. I didn’t know what the right choice was. For almost two months now, I’d been telling myself it couldn’t work. I’d tried to talk myself out of my feelings for him, but they wouldn’t go away. I attempted to bury them and that didn’t work either. My heart had been trying to tell me all along what it wanted, and I had a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t listen to it. I think the truth was that I was just so afraid of being hurt that I didn’t want to admit how much this frustrating, arrogant, overbearing, bad boy really meant to me, because despite all those things, he was also one of the sweetest, most unselfish and fiercely protective people I had ever met.

He was passionate, insanely artistic and talented, pouring his soul out to the world in the notes and lyrics of his music. He made me laugh even when I wanted to be mad at him. He was constantly surprising me, like the way he was with my niece and his students. Every time I got another glimpse of some part of him that he kept hidden, it further convinced me that there was so much more to him than most people saw.

I wanted to be the one that he let know him in a way no one ever had. Just like that, my decision was made. Even though it could end up costing me, even though it might be the wrong choice, I wasn’t going to change my mind. Maybe life isn’t so much about always making the smart choice and getting everything exactly right. Maybe there are things that matter more, like being kind, showing love and forgiveness, and being brave enough to take chances. If so, could loving Kyden ever really be a mistake?

He was watching me intently. I wasn’t sure what he was seeing on my face as I worked through it all, but he didn’t push me for a response. He was willing to give me as much time as I needed to absorb and consider his words, but I didn’t need any more time. He must have seen the resolve on my face, because whereas his face had been blank moments ago, it now showed apprehension.

He was afraid I was about to reject him. That’s when I realized, he didn’t just have the power to hurt me, but I could hurt him as well. It was almost shocking to see that someone so strong and confident could ever doubt himself, but it was plain as day in his eyes. He didn’t believe I cared for him enough to give him the chance he was asking for. He had no idea how truly amazing he was, flaws, insecurities, all of him. He was unsure of what he meant to me, so I told him.

“You’re all I see too. I think I’ve been yours for a long time. Even when I didn’t want to admit it.” I saw the apprehension on his face replaced with a smile that lit up his whole face. I wanted to do anything I could to keep it there. His grin was sexy, his smirk was infuriatingly charming, but his smile was breathtaking.

“Yeah?” He was still a little unsure, but I was going to change that.

“Yes. I think I was done for the minute you called me Princess and I’ve just been waiting for this moment ever since.” His smile transformed into the grin that made me shudder and before I knew what was happening my back was pressed down into the mattress and his lips crashed against mine.

This kiss wasn’t sweet and tender like the first ones. It was rough and demanding. My lips yielded to his assault and when I let out soft moan his tongue swept into my mouth and tangled with mine. The metal ring was cool against his otherwise warm lips. I flicked it with my tongue and then gently bit down on his bottom lip. I could feel him grin against my mouth and the kiss became even more frenzied. When he finally broke it off we were both breathing heavily and I was sure he could hear my heart beating through my chest. I had never been kissed like that before.

He raised himself up on both arms and hovered over my body, still wearing that stupid grin. “Thank you.”

“I think I’m the one who should be saying thank you,” I said breathlessly. “I don’t want to feed your ego, but you’re really good at that.” If kissing was an Olympic sport, that boy would take the gold.

He chuckled softly. “I wasn’t talking about the kiss, although, that was fucking fantastic. I meant thank you for giving me a chance. I know I don’t deserve it, and I guarantee I’m gonna fuck up at some point. Please be patient with me when I do. I can’t make you any promises, but I really want to try this.”

I believed him. I didn’t know if he wanted it as much as I did, but I knew he was being sincere, and I was going to try my best to do what he was asking. If he was willing to try for me, I would be patient with him, but I also needed to make sure we were both on the same page. “I want it too, and I do promise to be patient, but I need to know that when you get upset, that if things get hard, that you won’t turn on me like you did tonight. The way you talked to me, what you said, it hurt. A lot,” I admitted softly.

“I know,” he let out a heavy sigh. “These past two weeks have driven me insane. You can’t possibly imagine what it’s been like, being cooped up with you and not being able to touch you, or even tell you how I really felt.” Actually I did know, but I didn’t say that. I let him finish. “I know I fucked up tonight, and I think deep down I knew Kaylie was full of shit, but hearing that you might be jealous, that maybe you were feeling the same way I was, well I think I wanted it to be true. I wanted you to lose your shit on her. I’m sorry for the way I reacted though, I’m sorry for using her against you and I’m sorry for everything she said to you. It was my fault.”

I placed both of my palms on his cheeks and brought his face level with mine. “It’s done. All of that stuff is behind us now. I promise not to hold it against you. I don’t care what your reasons were. I just want you to be honest with me from now on. We’re going to have to talk if we want this to work.”

“Okay.” He nodded and this time I kissed him. I kept my hands on his face and gingerly pressed my lips to his.

The rest of the night was spent lying on his bed. Neither one of us had any desire to rejoin the party. I was perfectly content right where I was. We talked, and laughed and kissed some more. A lot more, but he never pressured me to go any further.

He wanted to know more about my mom, so I shared the twelve wonderful years I had with her, and then he wanted to hear about the years that came after. He asked a lot of questions about my time with my dad. He wiped away my tears when it was painful to talk and he didn’t push when I didn’t want to talk anymore.

I was more hesitant to ask him questions. He held a lot inside and I didn’t know how much I was allowed to pry. I didn’t want to risk making him close up on me so soon. He told me a few stories about his childhood and high school years, but nothing heavy.

I knew his relationship with his parents was strained though. I didn’t think he even realized that he tensed up any time he talked about them. It didn’t bother me that he wasn’t ready to open up. I knew it would take time to earn his trust and get past all the walls he’d put up. I didn’t mind waiting. I was sure he was worth it.

I’m not sure how long we stayed up, but eventually my eyelids became heavy and I was unable to hold back a yawn.

“Sleepy?” He asked. I nodded. “You should have said something. We can go to bed.”

I liked the way he said we, but I was a little uneasy about our sleeping situation. I didn’t know whether he wanted me to get out and go to Chris’ room, or if he expected me to stay with him. He said before that he didn’t like to share his bed, yet we had slept together more than once. I didn’t know what he would want now that we were a couple, or whatever we were. Crap, I would have to remember to get him to clarify that in the morning.

“Go grab your pajamas and then get your butt back in here. Be warned, I’m going to cuddle you so hard all night. I need to see if what I’ve been missing is as good as I think it’s going to be.” He winked and I left the room grinning like an idiot. This morning I’d woken up wondering how I was going to make it through another day being so close to Kyden without losing my mind completely, and tomorrow morning I would be waking up in his bed and his arms. I was still having a hard time wrapping my head around it. One day can change everything.

“Look at that smile.” I came out of Chris’ room after changing into pajamas and Bas was waiting for me with an amused expression on his face. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I was sure Ace had told them all about what had gone down, and they were smart enough to figure out where I had been the last couple hours. We hadn’t showed our faces since we went into his room, except to slip out and use the bathroom.

“Are you okay with it?” I wasn’t sure where he stood anymore with Kyden and me. In the beginning he was strongly against it, but then he seemed to switch sides, and now, well I had no idea.

“All I want Jazz, is for you to be happy, and if it’s that jackass who makes it happen then I’m okay with it.” He was still grinning and I knew he was really was okay with it, almost pleased even. “Just make sure you warn him that if he takes that smile away from you I will hurt him.”

“Don’t worry, that’s the last thing I want to happen.” Kyden was standing in his doorway looking a little too good in a pair of black pajama bottoms and nothing else. His eyes traveled up my bare legs and he had a dangerous look in his eyes. I probably should have chosen sweatpants instead of pajama shorts.

“You took too long. I was coming out here to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind and to drag you back if you had.” He was smiling and his tone was lighthearted, but his eyes revealed that he truly had been worried that I’d changed my mind.

We said goodnight to Bas and then I found myself in his bed, up close and personal with a beautiful, tattooed chest. With my head resting on his shoulder, I got a good look at the ink covering his skin, particularly the tree that ran up his side and over his ribs. I was able to see that almost hidden in the lines of the bark on the tree, was a guitar and that there were bars of musical notes woven in the branches. It was beautiful.

His arm was another story. I would need all day to examine each of the different colorful pieces that made up his sleeve and I could barely keep my eyes open. He was tracing circles with his thumb just above my hip, it was relaxing and comforting. He noticed my eyes starting to droop and reached over to turn off the lamp. It wasn’t long before I was sound asleep in his arms, using his chest as my pillow.

Chapter 31

“Are you sure you don’t just want to skip it and stay in bed all day?” The next morning Kyden was trying his hardest to talk me out of going to the barbecue Bas’ dad was having. He wasn’t fighting fair either. He tucked my back into his chest so that we were spooning and nuzzled his face in my neck. How was I supposed to think about being anywhere else, but right here with him? It would have been really easy to forget all about the barbecue except that Ace and Spade chose that moment to start beating on the door.

“You two get your asses out of bed and into the shower. Separately. It’s one o’clock in the afternoon and you two haven’t come out of there.” Ace wasn’t entirely right. Kyden had snuck out to snag some breakfast and bring it back.

“If you two don’t start getting ready for the barbecue we’re coming in there and dragging you out. I don’t care if you’re naked. In fact Rainbow, if you’re naked tell me now and I’ll be right in.” Kyden reached over me and picked up one of his boots and threw it at the door. Both guys burst into laughter.

“Sorry to disappoint you Spade but we’re both fully clothed so you might as well just go away,” I shouted.

“Not happening. Not until you guys get up.”

“I tried,” I said to Kyden and he just groaned when they didn’t show any signs of shutting up or leaving. They continued to bang on the door and taunt Kyden until he finally got up and yanked open door.

“You guys are assholes.”

“Yeah, yeah. Get over it and get your ass ready. We’re leaving in an hour. You can resume your love fest tonight.” He winked at me over Ky’s shoulder. “I would also like to mention that if you keep her locked up in there and she quits cooking and baking for us, I’m probably going to knife you.” Spade had gotten used to me making breakfast for them the past two weeks.

“Can you blame me for wanting to keep her to myself?”

“Nah man. I know if she were mine I’d have her-”

“If you don’t want me to break your nose, then don’t even think about finishing that sentence.”

Ace just shook his head and Spade laughed at the threat. It was going to be a long day. Spade wasn’t about to stop giving him crap, no matter what he threatened, but I kind of liked Kyden going all possessive caveman. It was sweet, and a little entertaining.

I had one sundress with me and decided to wear that since it looked like it was going to be hot today. Kyden tried to talk me into the dress Vi had brought last night. She’d left it behind and he spotted it when I hauled my stuff out of Chris’ room into his. After I reminded him that if I wore it, he wouldn’t be the only one getting to see so much of me, he quickly changed his mind and took the dress away from me, but made me promise to try it on for him later, privately.

I was still in a dress though, which meant no motorcycle. While I would have loved to spend the forty minute drive wrapped around him, the bike still made me nervous. I was much more comfortable taking his car, which was an Audi. At least I was until Spade and Ace climbed into the backseat wearing matching grins. Danny, Chris and Marcus were picking up Maysie and some girl Chris had invited. Spade and Ace decided they wanted to ride with us.

The entire ride there was more of the same ribbing. Spade kept trying to provoke Kyden by commenting on how nice my hair looked or how much he liked my dress, and my legs. Ace just laughed the whole time. He knew Spade was going to get it the minute the car stopped, and he did.

As soon as we pulled into the driveway at my house, Spade ripped his seatbelt off and flew out the door and through the yard next door. Kyden put the car in park and shot after him, not even bothering to grab the keys out of the ignition. When Ace and I rounded the corner of the house into the back yard, Kyden had Spade in a head lock. Spade got himself out of the hold and he must have said something to Kyden because he turned around to look at me and grinned. Then he started walking toward me while Spade just stood there chuckling.

“Have I told you how gorgeous you look in that dress?” He put his hands on my hip and brought my body in closer to his.

“You like it?” I teased.

“I do. I really, really do.” He pressed his lips to my forehead in a feather light kiss before tucking me into his side. I slipped his keys into his pocket and together we headed toward the backyard table where Lissa, Vi and Jake were sitting. Kyden took a seat and when I went to slide into the chair next to his, he tugged me onto his lap instead.

I was enjoying all the affection from my boyfriend, yes I said boyfriend. I didn’t even have to ask him what our status was because he called me his girlfriend when he kissed me good morning. I admit that hearing him refer to me as his girlfriend made me giddy, and I went into the bathroom to do a little happy dance. I know, I was super lame but I didn’t even care.

Being in his lap was giving me a similar feeling. For someone who was so sure that he wouldn’t be any good at it, Kyden was really excelling in the boyfriend department. It must have been all the Nicholas Sparks movies I made him watch.

“Stop it,” I said trying to squirm out of his grasp, but he had one arm wrapped around my waist while his other hand tickled my side. I was gasping for breath and trying to laugh. The result was awkward noises coming out of my mouth and a beet red face. It was an attractive combination, really. “Stop. Please stop,” I squealed between gasps until he finally relented.

“Sorry I just can’t help myself. You’re finally mine now and I just can’t keep my hands off you.” He grinned and looked at me with those deep green eyes and I couldn’t even pretend to be annoyed. I was in so much trouble.

Ky slid me off his lap, “I’ll be right back babe. I’m gonna go grab a beer and talk to Bas and his dad.” He hopped and my eyes followed his movements as he walked over to where Bas and his dad were manning the grill. They lingered on the jeans that hung low on his waist and hugged his long, lean legs. They had really nice back pockets.

“You two are sickening,” Vi teased, startling me. I quickly turned my head away from the direction of Ky’s backside but didn’t even pretend to be embarrassed or ashamed. Thankfully it was just us girls sitting at the table now. Jake had already disappeared to help set up the volleyball net. The guys wanted to get a game going. Maysie took his seat since they had wrangled Marcus into joining them.

“Oh man, you’re so far gone girl,” Vi laughed at the stupid grin I still had plastered on my face and the other two agreed with her.

“I am not. Or at least I don’t think so. I’m just enjoying myself. I’m happy. He makes me happy and to be honest, I don’t know how long it will last.” I felt like I could be completely open with them. As overjoyed as I felt, there was still a voice in the back of my head spewing doubt.

“Oh shit Jax. I was just messing with you. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad.”

“I know, but do you think I’m jumping into this too fast? Do you think I’m being ridiculous?” I hadn’t had a chance to talk to her about it yet. Her opinion mattered to me and I knew she would be honest with me.

“No, babe. I think you’re a girl in love with a boy, and he’s crazy about you too. I think you tried for a long time not to feel what you do, but you can’t help it. If he’s being good to you and making you happy, which it appears that he is, don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it. Be as disgusting and cute as you want.” It helped to hear that.

“I agree with her. I don’t know Kyden that well, but in the times I’ve been around him since Bas and I got together, I’ve never once seen him treat a girl as well as he does you. In fact I’ve never seen him be much of anything except an arrogant ass. You seem to bring out the better side of him that Bas always insisted existed. I didn’t believe it until now.” Lissa and I had already come a long way in our relationship, and her support meant almost as much to me as Vi’s.

“Thanks guys. I needed that. This is all really different for me. I’ve never had a serious boyfriend. I don’t know how serious Kyden is, but I do know that I’m in way over my head with a guy like him. Right now everything feels amazing, but I’m so damn terrified he’ll change his mind at any second. I know I’m going to say or do something wrong.”

“All I know is, I wish Marcus would look at me the way that guy has been looking at you all day,” Maysie sighed.

“Well then turn around Mayse,” Vi told her. “He’s staring right now.” Sure enough Marcus’ attention was fixed on the cute red head at our table. They’re eyes met briefly, and then they both blushed and looked away. Vi and Lissa started grilling Maysie on all the details of her and Marcus’ near relationship, but I was distracted by the volleyball match starting. Kyden had stripped off his shirt and my eyes were glued to the way his taught muscles rippled and strained every time he moved for the ball.

Ace caught me staring and said something to Ky. He looked over and our eyes locked for just a brief moment before he winked and then returned his attention to the game. I shuddered.

After we ate, most of the guests hung around until almost seven and then it was just our group remaining. I’d gotten to visit with some of the neighbors I still remembered, they all said how sorry they were about the fire. The only person I hadn’t really talked with, that I wanted to, was Mr. Cross. He’d been a busy host, which is why I was glad when he came and joined me in the kitchen where I was wrapping up the leftovers.

He asked how I was handling everything with Connor and hugged me when I honestly told him I didn’t know what to do. He also grilled me about my new relationship like any father would his daughter. It made me smile.

“You ready to get stuff from next door?” Kyden popped his head in and asked.

“Yeah. We can go now.” I hugged Mr. Cross goodbye and kissed him on his cheek, then followed Kyden over to my house. The day after the fire Shane and Bas insisted I get an alarm system installed. I should have done it sooner. At least now all of the windows and doors had sensors and there were motion detectors in each part of the house.

Dealing with the insurance company had been a grueling process and of course the contractor they used couldn’t start on it right away, which is why the kitchen was still a blackened pit. The construction guys were set to come in on Monday and start tearing out the burned wall, sections of the floor and ceiling.

It was amazing how much damage even a small fire could cause. I needed to replace cupboards, appliances, dishes and just about everything in the kitchen. Even stuff in the other rooms that hadn’t been touched by the actual fire didn’t survive all the smoke. As I looked around at all of it, I couldn’t stand to think about what would have happened if Mr. Manning hadn’t noticed the guy running out of my yard. If the fire had burned for even another ten minutes, how much more would have been destroyed?

“Hey, nothing was damaged that can’t be replaced. A little bit of paint and some new boards and it’ll be like it never happened.” He must’ve seen the emotions playing out on my face. I was thankful for his presence and the reassurance he provided. It wouldn’t do me any good to get worked up over what might’ve happened. He kept my hand in his all through the house and up to my room.

After loading up a duffel bag of my things, we tossed it in Ky’s trunk and went to collect Spade and Ace. When we did, Vi and Jake were just leaving as well. Vi invited Ky and I to brunch in the morning with her, Jake, Bas and Lissa. I felt Kyden tense up for just a second, but I think I was the only one who caught it. If I hadn’t been holding his hand I probably wouldn’t have noticed. Then he relaxed again and accepted the invite. I had to wonder what his hesitation was about.

The entire car ride I held back, not wanting to talk about his reaction in front of the other two. As soon as we were alone and settled into his bed to watch a movie I decided to bring it up.

“If the brunch thing is a little too ‘couply’ for you, or if it makes you uncomfortable we don’t have to go.” I was giving him an out without making him the bad guy, but I really hoped he didn’t take it.

“So you caught that?” He asked sheepishly.

“Yeah. If you don’t want to go, it’s okay. I don’t want you to feel like you have to just for me.”

“It’s not that. I just . . . I’m not used to wanting this. My first reaction when things start to look like a relationship is to bail. But I do. Want you, and want this.” I smiled and melted into his arms. His lips brushed over my forehead and I let the contentment wash over me and settle in.

Snuggled in close to him, my worries and doubts faded. I enjoyed the moment and didn’t think about anything except the alien invasion on the screen and the sound of his heartbeat beneath my head. Those were the sounds that I fell asleep to.

Chapter 32

I turned the hot water handle and stood under the hot spray. I sighed as the heat soothed my aching body and washed away the layer of sweat that covered my skin. My muscles were so sore. I thought I was in pretty good shape, but Kyden had really worn me out. His stamina was unbelievable, and he left me panting and so exhausted I would need a week to recover.

I was never going running with him again. It was bad enough that he woke me up before nine on a Sunday morning, but then he made me run eight miles. I hadn’t run more than four in months. My legs felt like Jell-O and I was sure at any moment I would collapse, simply because Kyden woke up with extra energy to burn. He was incredibly lucky that I found it difficult to protest when he was shirtless and using that penetrating gaze and those lips against me. He basically kissed me into submission, and I let him.

When I finally emerged from the bathroom after what was probably the longest shower of my life, and I saw him leaning against the wall staring at me I just glared.

“Oh come on, you know you had fun.” I hardened my face even more and he just laughed.

“Fun? You and I have very different understandings of what that word means,” I mumbled as I brushed past him into the bedroom.

“Aww.” He followed me and went to sit on the bed. “Do you need a massage?” I stopped. A massage? I liked the sound of that.

“Well my muscles are a little sore.”

“Then get over here. I’ll make it all better.”

I took a step toward him, but then halted. “Wait. Massage isn’t code for something else is it?” I raised an eyebrow at him.

He just chuckled. “Not unless you want it to be.” That grin of his was lethal, and for half a second I wanted it to be. Then I came to my senses and frowned again. “Yeah that’s what I thought,” he said, “but you can’t blame a guy for trying.”

I walked over and crawled up onto the bed. I peeled off my shirt so that I was in my sports bra, and stretched out on my stomach He kneeled over me, a leg on either side of my hips so that he was straddling me. His hands started at my shoulders and I closed my eyes on a sigh.

“Tell me about the tat,” he said as his hands moved over the piece on my back. It was a bird cage, the door hanging open with a broken padlock and a little bird flying free.

“I got it in Tennessee, the day after I left Massachusetts. That was the first place I stopped. I stayed there for about five months.” His strong hands continued to work their way down my back, working out all of the stiffness and soreness. His fingers just barely slipped beneath the waistband of my shorts and caressed the lowest part of my back. His gentle touch was so intimate that it sent a shiver up my spine, and he pressed his lips to my shoulder and everything in my head got fuzzy after that.

He pressed kisses up and down my back and I let out a feminine sigh. He must have taken it as a sign of encouragement because then I felt his tongue tasting my skin as he pressed kisses up the back of my neck, and his hands slipped around to my front sliding up my ribcage dangerously close to my bra. I needed to tell him to stop, but I didn’t want to. His touch lit a fire inside of me and I wanted to let it burn me up.

One hand edged up under my bra and grazed the underside of my breast while the other slipped down lower. Much lower. He nibbled my earlobe between his teeth and his fingers pressed just inside of my shorts over my panties and I groaned, but it wasn’t one of satisfaction, because I knew what I had to do, but I really didn’t want to.

“Stop,” I breathed out. He froze, hands still on my in two very intimate places.

“We don’t have to stop now. We’re together,” he whispered in my ear, but still didn’t move his hands. “I want to be with you in every way.”

I wanted it too, but couldn’t go there. “Yes we do. We can’t do this. If we’re going to work, we have to be about more than the physical. Please don’t ask me to compromise what I believe.”

He let out a deep breath, but removed his hands and lips from my skin. As disappointed as I was to feel them leave, I knew it was the right choice. I might not like it right now, but it was the only one I wouldn’t regret later. I started to sit up, but he gently pressed his hands on my shoulder and stopped me. “I didn’t finish your massage.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea right now?” He was still straddling my backside and I could feel him pressed against me, so I knew he couldn’t be comfortable right now.

“I’m sorry I got carried away, but I promise I’ll behave myself. Just relax.” It was hard to do when I could still feel the touch of his hands so close to places I’d never allowed anyone to touch me, but he started to question me about my time away from Boston, and as I told him about the places I had seen, it took my mind off my desire. It seemed to do the same for him.

I discovered as he worked his way down my back and to my calves that his fingers weren’t just skilled on the guitar. He kept his promise though, and they didn’t stray again. At some point during the massage I relaxed so completely that I wasn’t able to answer any more of his questions and I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke back up I was alone in his bed. I got up and found him in the living room with Ace and Danny. Surprise, they were trying to slaughter each other on the Xbox. I turned around and went to get my book. The rest of the day was spent lounging on the couch, reading and watching TV, but that’s what Sundays were for.

Kyden cooked dinner for me and we ate out on the deck since summer was still in full swing. We sat out there and watched the sun go down over the city and then went inside and made ice cream sundaes. I had covered my ice cream in strawberries and caramel sauce, and Ky kept trying to steal bites out of my bowl. His was smothered in chocolate so I couldn’t return the favor. When he tried to sneak another bite of mine, I took my spoon and smeared it over his face, covering his cheek in sticky, melted ice cream.

That was a bad move. He snatched my bowl from my hands and set it on the coffee table before pinning me down on the couch and dripping ice cream and chocolate all over my face and neck and then proceeded to lick all over my face. It was disgusting and I struggled to get free, but I was laughing too hard to put up much of a fight, and then when he moved to my neck, the feeling changed. Suddenly I wasn’t fighting him anymore. His mouth moving all over my throat felt good. I relaxed into the cushions and let him devour me, tilting my head back to give him better access.

When he was done, we were both a mess, but somehow we had managed to keep the ice cream off of the couch. I couldn’t say the same for my shirt and hair. I needed another shower. So did he. He suggested we conserve water and shower together. We showered separately.

Kyden and the rest of the guys had an early Monday morning meeting with the record label, so we called it a night after that and curled up together in his bed. I was quickly becoming accustomed to falling asleep and waking up in his arms. I wasn’t sure how I would go back to sleeping in my own bed.

When morning came, I woke up with an inexplicable worried feeling. I couldn’t explain it, but my thoughts immediately went to Shane. I still hadn’t heard anything from him so I assumed that meant he hadn’t acted yet. I just had this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that it wasn‘t going to end well. I sent him a text to find out what was happening, but he didn’t respond right away. I jumped in the shower so I could get ready to leave.

Ky and the rest of the band were already gone. It was just Danny and Marcus home. I’d taken the morning off work so I could meet the construction crew at my house to let them in. Hopefully they would get started on the repairs right away. Vi was my official escort for the day. I was given strict orders from Ky not to go anywhere but to the house and back.

Vi showed up at eight, her usual perky, caffeinated self. If a doctor ever had to draw her blood, I was sure he would end up with a pint of coffee instead. The stuff ran through her veins. I threw my keys into my purse and followed her out to the Beamer.

“So how long are the repairs supposed to take, and the bigger question, will your boy even let you go back once they’re finished?” Vi asked as she took the exit for Needham.

“I’m not sure. The insurance company took care of it and hired the crew. I only talked to the contractor for a minute on the phone to set up the time for this morning. Today we’re just going over the damage and exactly what I want done. They might start tearing stuff out as well. I’m not sure,” I explained.

“As for the other question, yes at some point I will be going home. I just don’t know when. We haven’t really talked about it yet. I didn’t see much point in bringing it up yet when it will probably take a couple of weeks for it to be ready anyway. Everything with Connor could be resolved by then,” I said, still unable to shake the uneasy feeling in my gut.

“By resolved you mean? . . . Shane will. . .”

I sighed. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to be having. “I don’t really want to talk about it, or even think about it right now,” I told her.

“I understand. I’m sorry for bringing it up.” Neither one of us spoke until we were pulling up outside my house, behind the truck that said T.D. Construction.

“That’s weird. I could have sworn the guy I talked to was from Miller Construction or something like that.”

“Are you sure it was Miller?” She questioned as we hopped out of the car and walked toward the guys waiting around the truck.

“Is one of you Miss Zane?” A tall well-built guy who appeared to be in his mid forties asked as we approached.

“I am,” I answered.

“I’m Mark Harris.” He looked at me and stuck out his hand and I shook it, still somewhat confused because the guy I spoke to on the phone wasn’t named Mark. “This is Tony and Luke. We’re ready to take a look and get started whenever you are.”

“I’m a little confused,” I explained. “The insurance company said Miller Construction would be handling the repairs, and the guy I spoke to last week said his name was Jim. I was expecting to be meeting with him this morning, so I’m just not sure what’s going on, or why the insurance company wouldn’t have contacted me if they switched companies.”

“I’m not sure either. All I know is our boss sent us out here for a job. From my understanding though, it isn’t an insurance company footing the bill. Our instructions were to use only the best materials and to special order everything you wanted. That’s not usually how the insurance companies operate. They want things done quickly and want to pay as little as possible. You’re welcome to call our office and find out though.” He handed me a card with their phone number. I pulled out my cell and placed the call.

Five minutes later, after speaking with the secretary at T.D. I hung up my phone and it took everything I had not to throw it, I was so angry. Who did he think he was? What was he playing at?

“I’m really sorry Mark, but there has been a huge misunderstanding that I need to go take care of. I appreciate you guys coming out here this morning, but this isn’t going to work.” He looked a little surprised but didn’t argue. They loaded up in the truck and drove off. I was still fuming.

“What’s going on Jax?”

“Vi, I need you to give me ride somewhere.” I told her where I wanted to go and why.

“Are you sure about this Jax? Because I think it’s a very, very bad idea. In fact I think it might be the worst idea you’ve ever had,” she insisted. “Really, I think we just need to turn around and go back to the guys’ place. You can call Kyden, or Shane or Sebastian, anyone and we can get this figured out, but please don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry Vi, but I have to, and you can’t call them. I need to deal with this myself. I want to know what is going on.”

“I get that, I really do, but I think maybe you’re letting your emotions control you right now. I understand how mad you are-”

“No. I don’t think you do,” I cut her off. “And I’m not changing my mind, so you can either take me yourself or I’ll get there on my own.” I knew she wasn’t happy with my choice, but I also knew she wouldn’t abandon me. I needed to do this.

I didn’t bother checking in at reception, and security must have recognized me because they didn’t try to stop me from getting on the elevator. Good, that meant he knew I was coming.

When the doors opened up on the top floor, I stormed right past the main secretary’s desk, through his personal secretary’s office, ignoring each of their protests. Once again none of the security guards on the floor tried to stop me as I flung the door to his private office open and charged right in. He was on the phone, but looked up when I burst into the room. He ended the call and stood up.

“I was wondering when you would grace me with your presence. After all, you’ve been back for what? Almost two months now,” he remarked snidely, as if he had the right to be offended. He hadn’t changed a bit. My father was just as callous and arrogant as ever. I however was not the same. I would not allow him to intimidate me or try to bulldoze me.

“What possessed you to hire that construction company? Why would you think I’d ever want anything from you? I have insurance and they’re taking care of it. I don’t need your help,” I fumed.

“Yes, I’m aware that your insurance provider had contracted another company to do the repairs. I also know that your insurance company would hire a kindergarten class to fix your house with Legos and popsicle sticks if they could get away with it.”

“What’s it to you?” I snapped.

“I was simply ensuring that the job would be done well.”

“Again, what’s it matter to you?”

“You’re my daughter.” I let out a bitter laugh, but he didn’t stop. “Since when is it wrong for a father to help his daughter out and make sure she isn’t taken advantage of by her insurance company?”

“Since it’s never mattered to you before, or how about since I wouldn’t have to repair my kitchen in the first place if it weren’t for you,” I yelled.

“What makes you think that the fire had anything to do with me?” His calm and cool exterior never lifted. He was completely unaffected by what I was saying.

“I know you had everything to do with the fire. Your men set it!” I shouted.

“Enough with the dramatics Jaxyn,” he barked out. Finally. I got a reaction. “I didn’t have anything to do with it. What reason could I possibly have to set your house on fire?” His condescending tone only infuriated me further. Before I could scream at him and bring his entire security team in here to drag me out, my phone rang.

It was Lucy. She was crying. Shane was in the hospital. He was shot. Oh God.

“Jaxyn. What is it?” Jack took a step toward me and I retreated.

“What did you do?” It came out barely above a whisper as I ended the call.

“Jaxyn, tell me what’s going on.”

“Just stop,” I screamed. “Stop pretending you don’t know what’s going on. How could you do it?” I cried and then turned and ran from the room before he could answer.

I had to get to the hospital. I needed out of this building and away from that man. I needed to get to my brother. My brother, who was lying in the hospital, bleeding out, because of our father. Him and Connor.

I’d known something awful was going to happen, and now it had. I might lose my brother. He couldn’t die, he couldn’t’ leave me too. I finally had him in my life. I couldn’t lose him so soon. Lucy and Izzy couldn’t lose him.

I was beyond hysterical when I got to the car where Vi was waiting for me. I could barely speak to tell her I needed to get to the hospital. The drive seemed to take forever. She tried calm me down so I could tell her what happened, but I couldn’t put together more than two words at a time and I didn’t know if she was even able to understand them between my sobs.

She dropped me off at the emergency entrance and went to park the car. I hated this hospital. Once again someone I loved was somewhere lying in a room here, dying. I didn’t know where to go, but somehow, I managed to ask a nurse. I don’t know how she understood what I was asking, but I probably wasn’t the first hysterical person she had ever dealt with. She pointed me in the right direction and I took off down the hallway.

Lucy was sitting in the waiting room with a frightened Izzy on her lap. My heart broke for her. She was too young to be going through this. Neither one of them should be here. Lucy looked up and saw me, her face streaked with tears. I collapsed into the seat next to her and took her hand in mine.

We sat there waiting for news. Lucy didn’t know anything other than he had been shot in the chest and was in surgery. Vi eventually came in and sat beside me. Bas showed up not long after. He didn’t say anything, which was good. I would have started crying again, and I had only just stopped.

I loved Bas and Vi, more than anything, and I was glad they were with me, but there was only one person who could make me feel alright in the middle of this chaos, and when he rushed into the waiting room I launched myself into his arms. I buried my head in his chest and cried some more. He held me tightly and whispered that it would be okay. I wanted so badly to believe him. I tried hard to believe it, but I was so scared.

When the doctor walked into the waiting room after almost two hours, and made his way toward us, I swear my heart stopped. His face was unreadable. He gave nothing away. I was in Ky’s lap and he squeezed my hand.

“Mrs. Malloy,” he addressed Lucy. “Your husband made it through surgery and he’s stabilized for now, but we still don’t know if he’s going to pull through.”

I tuned out at that point. Some part of me was still listening to the doctor explain how one tiny piece of metal caused so much damage, but I couldn’t focus. All I could see was my father’s smug expression and the evil look in Connor’s eyes. They did this. They were going to take my brother away from me. Away from me and his wife and that sweet little girl who needed her daddy.

Chapter 33

Lucy and I were allowed to see Shane for a few minutes. The doctors weren’t sure when he would wake up, or even that he would. Lucy didn’t want Izzy to see her dad like that yet, so we left her with the others. She climbed up in Kyden’s lap and curled herself into him the same way I had earlier.

When we walked into Shane’s room, my heart broke a little bit more. Lucy sucked in a sharp breath and grabbed my hand. He was pale and one side of his face was covered in bruises. He was hooked up to a breathing tube and had needles sticking in his arms. The rest of his body was covered by a blanket. The slow beep on the heart monitor was the only sound besides Lucy’s soft cries. He didn’t even look like my brother. As long as I had known him he’d always been so strong and capable, and now he looked . . . weak and broken.

We weren’t allowed to stay long. Lucy held his hand and told him how much she and Izzy loved him and wanted him to come back to them. I told him how thankful I was to have him in my life and for everything he had done for me. I told him he couldn’t leave me. I hoped he heard how much he meant to us. How much we all needed him to wake up.

The doctor said it would be at least twenty four hours before he could wake up, but he promised to keep us informed. Lucy wanted to get back to Izzy and I just wanted Ky to wrap his arms around me again and make me feel safe, like my world wasn’t falling apart, again.

Izzy was sound asleep on his lap when we walked back out into the waiting room, and even given the circumstances it was a precious sight. The rest of the guys had shown up by that time and everyone’s mood was pretty somber. Jake was holding Vi tightly, and Lissa was leaning her head on Bas’ shoulder. Ace and Spade both jumped up when they spotted me. They squeezed me in their arms and the waterworks came again. It was the first time I had ever felt like part of a big family. They were my family now, and it meant everything that they were here.

God please let him pull through. Please. We can’t lose him.

I hadn’t prayed as hard as I did in the hours that followed since it was my mom’s life I was begging for. I didn’t know what else to do.

Eventually I sent everyone home. They didn’t need to be stuck there all day, when there probably wouldn’t be any changes for a while. I had to threaten to have Bas forcibly removed before he finally agreed to go home with Lissa. Kyden refused to leave my side though, and I didn’t want him to.

When evening time came around Lucy, Ky and I were still sitting in the waiting room watching some talk show on the TV while Izzy looked through a picture book she got from a nurse. None of us had eaten anything in hours and my stomach grumbled. Kyden heard it, but before we could head down to the cafeteria the doctor came back to say that Shane was a little more stable and could have visitors again before we were all sent home for the night. He wasn’t awake, but they were more optimistic that he would wake up.

Izzy was incredibly anxious to see her daddy and Lucy wanted to be back at his side. I needed the reassurance that he was still there. Kyden offered to go get food for us and bring it to the room.

When we walked in for the second time, it wasn’t the sight of Shane that struck me, but the man standing at his bedside with his back to us. I didn’t need to see his face to know who it was; after all I had already been in the same room as him once today. There was only one man I knew who could look so commanding and impressive even from behind.

He heard us enter the room and turned. I was caught off guard by the fury radiating from him. I’d never seen him look so threatening, but that didn’t deter me from unleashing all of the rage and grief that had been festering since I got the call in his office.

“Get. Out. Now,” I demanded. “Or I will call security and have you removed. You don’t belong here.”

“How dare you. He’s my son and I have every right-”

“You have no right,” I yelled, preventing him from speaking another word. “You did this. Are you really so sick that you needed to come see it, or are you just pissed that Connor didn’t finish it?”

Lucy stayed behind me, unmoving and completely silent. I didn’t blame her. If I hadn’t lived with the man all of my teenage years, I would have been petrified of him. I was also too infuriated to cower at his menacing glare. I was confident my look rivaled his own. I wasn’t going to tolerate him being there for one more second.

“You know, daughter, I’m getting awfully tired of your accusations,” he sneered. “I really don’t have enough time in my day to be responsible for every evil deed you want to attribute to me, neither does Connor. But you can be sure I will find out who is responsible for this, and make them pay.”

I scoffed. “I already told you who’s responsible. You can drop the bereaved father act. I know you had a part in it, just like you did when he attacked me.”

“Are we really back on this ridiculous story?”

I lost it. I absolutely lost it, right there in the hospital room. “Does this look like a story to you?” I yanked up my shirt, exposing the jagged pink lines that ran up my stomach. I watched all of the color drain out if his face but I kept going. “Is my being cut open and almost bleeding out ridiculous to you?” I fumed. I was so tired of him refusing to acknowledge what I had been through. It was time for him to admit what Connor had done to me, what he had allowed to happen. I dropped my shirt back down, and it seemed to trigger a response in my father.

“Leave us now,” he thundered, and Lucy didn’t hesitate to obey. I heard the door shut behind them, but I didn’t take my eyes off Jack. If I thought he looked menacing before, now he was downright murderous. “Connor did that to you?” His voice was cold and scary calm.

“Like you didn’t already know,” I retorted, confused by his reaction.

“You think I knew about that?” He was genuinely stunned, or at least appeared so.

“Of course you knew. You set it up.” I was less sure of myself now. “I came to you afterward. I told you he hurt me, and you told me to learn my place, to quit being so dramatic and obstinate. You wouldn’t even give me two minutes to explain.”

“I didn’t know he did that. You were always voicing your hatred for him, never gave him a chance. I thought you were being difficult and over exaggerating to get rid of him.” His voice was much softer. It didn’t have the same authority. I almost thought I heard remorse, but that couldn’t be right. He was lying. He had to be lying.

“Of course I hated him. He’s psychotic, and did that look like an over exaggeration to you, or would you like to see the rest of the scars?” Once again, he was visibly shaken by my response.

“There’s more of them?” I heard something in my father’s voice that I never thought I would. It was fear; barely discernible, but I heard it.

“Yeah, there are. It wouldn’t exactly be appropriate for me to start stripping right here, but I’m sure you can use your imagination when I tell you they’re a little bit lower.”

He blanched, and I thought for a second he might be sick. I was forced to consider that maybe he was telling the truth. Could he really not know what Connor had planned that night, what he had tried and almost succeeded in doing? Could he actually care?

“Did he . . .?” He was unable to get the question out any better than Kyden had, but I still knew what he was asking.

“No. He tried, but Bas stopped him, and his dad stitched me up and taped my broken ribs. That’s why I didn’t come home for two weeks even when you threatened to take my car and ground me for a month.” It wasn’t until he threatened to call the cops and have Bas’ dad arrested for harboring a runaway minor that I finally went back.

I didn’t know how to react to the man in front of me. He wasn’t the domineering tyrant I was used to. He actually looked like he was in pain. As much as I should have relished it, I couldn’t. He looked over at Shane and then back at me

“He knew? That’s why he left?”

“He found out, but he also left for Lucy and Isabelle.”

“Isabelle. That was her in here a moment ago?” I nodded, and he took a deep breath and collected himself. “Connor did this as well?” His eyes were back on Shane’s unconscious form.

“Yes. He’s been harassing me since I came back. He’s the one who had the fire set. He even called me to take credit for it. Shane was going after him to put a stop to it,” I paused, “because I wouldn’t listen to him and go to you for help.” It was even harder to ignore my part in what had happened to him now that I was starting to believe that maybe my father really would have done something about it.

“I didn’t give you any reason to believe that I would help you though, did I? You thought that I was behind Connor.” I wasn’t going to argue with him. It was true.  This was the first time in my entire life that he had ever shown an inkling of consideration for me. I was having a hard time processing it all. Then all of the sudden my father took another deep breath and it was like a mask fell over him.

Gone was the vulnerable man I’d gotten a glimpse of. He was Jack Malloy again, former mobster and current billionaire businessman. Always in control. Only I knew that he could be shaken now. I had seen it, caused it even.

“Connor won’t be a problem again.” That was the final acknowledgement I got before he moved toward the door and made to leave. For some reason that ticked me off almost as much as it had to see him in here in the first place. I reached out and grabbed his arm as he tried to brush past me.

“That’s it? That’s all I get? You show up here, try to convince me you didn’t know anything about what Connor was doing. Now you tell me not to worry about him and just leave?” I didn’t release my hold.

“You made it perfectly clear I wasn’t welcome here. I’m simply obliging you. What else could you possibly want from me?” He was using that condescending tone with me again, treating me like a petulant child.

“I want to know why?” I pleaded. “What did I ever do to deserve your scorn and the complete and utter disregard you’ve shown me all my life? I want to know how it is that you couldn’t see what Connor was really up to. Explain to me why he always mattered more to you than your own flesh and blood. Why you always took his word over mine. I want to know why I wasn’t as important to you as Ryan, or Cathryn or Shane. That’s what I want,” I cried out, finishing my hysterics in time for Kyden to burst through the door, looking ready to throw himself in between me and any threat. He took in my tear streaked face and my father, whose arm I was still gripping, and I don’t think he knew what to do. My father just sighed, but he didn’t try to walk away again so I let go.

“Are you okay?” Kyden asked me, his eyes dark and narrowed at Jack. In that moment there was no doubt that I loved him completely and irrevocably. He didn’t care who my father was, one word from me and he would stand against him to protect me from anything. There was no fear or hesitation, only concern and a determination that was absolute.

“She’s fine Mr. McCabe.” I shouldn’t have been surprised that he knew who Kyden was. He seemed very up to date on my life. “Contrary to what either of you may believe, I would never actually harm her. Now if you’ll excuse us, we were just finishing up a private discussion.” My father wasn’t used to being disobeyed, except of course by me, so he wasn’t expecting Kyden to refuse him.

“I don’t think so. I’ll be staying.” Kyden moved to my side and fixed my father with that smug grin I was so used to receiving. I would have laughed if I wasn’t so worried about how my dad would react. Surprisingly he didn’t though, at least not in a way I expected.

“Listen son, I think it’s admirable that you want to look after Jaxyn, but this is between me and her.”

“I don’t really give a shit what you think, and I’m not leaving her alone. You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t have much faith in your ability to look after her well-being.” As much as I was enjoying seeing someone else stand up to my dad, I knew he wasn’t a patient man and I really didn’t want Kyden to end up paying for it.

“Kyden it’s okay. I’m the one who wants to talk. Can you please just wait outside the door for a minute?” He didn’t want to, but I needed this and I tried to make him see that with the look I gave him. Finally he agreed, but not before making it perfectly clear that he would wait right outside the door and wouldn’t hesitate to come back in if he thought my father was so much as making me uncomfortable.

“I don’t know what you want to hear from me,” My father started once the door shut behind Kyden. “I’ll never be a father to you. I never wanted you to be a part of my life.” He didn’t hold back, but it wasn’t anything I didn’t already know. Even so, hearing it aloud was like a punch straight to the gut.  “Not for the reasons you think though. It’s never been that you weren’t as important as your siblings. You’re the single most important thing to me.”

What? I had to be hearing things, but my father either didn’t notice my shock or chose to ignore it because he kept right on going.

“That is why I wanted you to be as far away from me as possible. When your mother died, and that became an impossibility, I thought I could make it work, bring you into my house and you would fall into place like your brothers and sister. Instead, what I got was a little girl with the same sweetness and passion as her mother and my eyes and temper. You challenged me at every step, headstrong and unyielding.

“Shane, Ryan and Cathryn are my blood, my responsibility. They have their uses, although your sister’s are few. You though, the moment I found out your mom was pregnant, I wanted something I could never have. I wanted you like I’d never wanted anything before. I truly loved your mother, but by the time I met her there was no turning back or getting out for me. I was in the life and I didn’t want out. I thrived in it. I never meant to fall in love with her, but you know what she was like. It couldn’t be helped, but where I was going there wasn’t room for love, and there certainly wasn’t a place for someone like her. She was kind and gentle and good. I had her for a short time and that was more than I deserved.

“You’re so much like her that it hurts to look at you. I see the only woman who ever meant anything to me. I couldn’t let myself want any part of that. I didn’t want to remember her and you were a constant reminder. I wanted you to stay out of my way and stay in line, but you’re also too much like me for that to have ever been conceivable. I’d hoped that Connor would be able to rein you in, and you would be his responsibility. It would let me off the hook of having to face you every day.” There was so much regret on his face.

“I’ve never apologized, not once in my life, to anyone, not even to your mother when I broke her heart, because I knew she would be better off.” He looked me right in the eye. “I am truly sorry that I put you in Connor’s sights, that I enabled him to hurt you. I am sorry that I failed to keep you safe. I won’t ask for your forgiveness because I don’t want it. This is something I will never forgive myself for. He will pay and you will never have to see me again. I won’t interfere with your life in any way. You will be completely free to live it however you choose.”

He turned and left the room without giving me the chance to say anything. I wondered if that really would be the last time I ever saw my father. As soon as he exited the room, Kyden was in front of me, his face etched with concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I told him everything my father had said from the moment I walked into the room and found him at Shane’s bedside. Afterward he didn’t say much, I think he knew I was still processing.

Lucy and Izzy came back and we all sat around Shane’s bed and ate the sandwiches Kyden got from the cafeteria. Nothing changed with Shane’s condition and eventually we were kicked out again. We convinced Lucy to come back to the house with us. We didn’t want them to be alone.

They settled into Chris’ room, which he graciously gave up for them, and Kyden and I curled up in his bed. I was laying there facing him while he held my hand in his and traced faint circles over my wrist with his thumb. That’s when he asked me how I was feeling about everything my father had said.

“I don’t know. I’m not sure what I should be feeling,” I confessed. “I was so unwilling to consider that Connor could be going behind my father’s back. I just wanted to hate him so badly. It made it easier to accept the disappointment. Now I don’t know whether I still hate him, or if this changes anything. Regardless, he’s still a terrible father and I just don’t know if I can let that go. I still hold him responsible for Connor.”

“I think you’re entitled to feel however you want, and you don’t have to figure any of it out tonight. You’ve gone through so much in such a short time. It’s going to take time.” There was no magic solution in his words; he didn’t have all the answers I needed. What helped was just having him at my side while I struggled with everything. His understanding and comfort helped to ease some of the ache. It was enough.

“I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, and I won’t try to tell you how to feel about your father. If you never want to forgive him I’d understand.”

“I think I need to though, like I won’t ever move past that pain if I don’t. I have this new understanding of him, and he’s not a good man but maybe he’s not evil. I don’t know,” I sighed in frustration. “Even if he wasn’t behind what happened to me, there’s no excuse for some of the things he has done, but I really don’t know him. I don’t know what his life was like, but I know it couldn’t have been good or easy, for him to end up where he did. I think I believe him when he says he loved my Mom, and that he left her for her own good, and as much as I can’t stand how he hurt her, I have to thank him for letting her go. That was actually pretty selfless.” I laughed. “I never thought I would be able to use that word to describe him and now he’s willing to let me walk away too. The thought of finally being free and not having to worry about when and how he’s going to screw with my life, not having to be afraid of Connor anymore, is a relief. Is it wrong that my whole life I just wanted my father to care, and now that I found out that he does, sort of, I just want him out of my life?”

“I’m the last person to ask that,” he answered. “I don’t have the healthiest, or most functional, relationship with my parents, but I think anyone in your place would feel the same way.”

Every time he alluded to his own family it only increased my curiosity about his past, but I knew better than to pry before he was ready. I could only hope that eventually he would trust me with that part of himself. In the mean time, I wanted to get away from talk about Jack and there was something that I had been curious about since I first stepped into his room and took notice of all the instruments.

I remembered him telling me that one of the first instruments he learned to play was the violin. I didn’t see one anywhere in his room. He had everything else, guitars, basses, a keyboard, but no violin.

“Why don’t you have a violin?” I asked. “I think I’d like to hear you play it someday.” His reaction was unexpected and instantaneous. He stared at me as if I had just asked him to sell me his soul. His face looked pained and then without explanation he released my hand like it burned him.

“Why would you ask that?”

“I don’t know. You have a keyboard and all these guitars, and you said before that you played the violin as well so I just wondered why you didn’t have one.” I didn’t see what the big deal was.

“Just drop it okay.”

“I don’t even understand what I’m supposed to be dropping. I don’t understand why it’s making you so upset. Just explain to me what I said wrong.”

“I said fucking drop it. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry, and I’ll let it go, but you know you can talk to me about anything right?”

“No. I can’t,” he growled between clenched teeth. He wouldn’t even look at me.

“Ky, look at me, please.” His eyes reluctantly met mine. “I don’t want to pressure you, but I’m here and you can talk to me, about anything. I love you,” I told him. I hadn’t been sure how he would react when I told him, but it was definitely the wrong thing to say.

He jerked away from me. “No. Don’t say that,” he demanded angrily. “You don’t mean it.”

“I do. I love you. You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know. You can trust me. I want to be here for you. Please talk to me.”

“You’re not listening to me. I. Don’t. Fucking. Want. To. Talk.  About anything with you.” He got up and stormed out of the room with a scowl on his face. I was too stunned to move, I had no idea what had just happened.

The next thing I heard was the front door slamming and the distinct sound of a motorcycle revving to life. I was at a loss, trying to come up with some explanation for his reaction, but no matter how many times I replayed the situation in my head, nothing made sense. If anything I only became more confused. I didn’t understand how asking about a violin could have upset him that much, or was it that I loved him?

Chapter 34

I waited in his room for an hour, confident that it had to be a big misunderstanding. I expected him to walk through the door any second and apologize for taking off. Then we would talk about what had upset him and everything would be alright again.

That didn’t happen. Finally I gave up waiting and tried to call him. It rang twice and then went to voicemail. He didn’t want to talk to me.

I couldn’t wait any longer though. Chris, Spade and Ace were sitting in the living room watching TV when I emerged from Kyden’s room. They all looked up at me. From their expressions it was obvious that they knew something was up. I couldn’t bring myself to speak and almost turned around and retreated back to the bedroom. Tears were welling in my eyes.

“You two have a fight?” Ace asked sympathetically.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what happened,” I mumbled weakly, trying to blink the tears away. “Do you guys know where he went?”

“Sit.” Chris patted the empty spot beside him, and Spade turned down the volume on the TV. The knots in my stomach tightened as I took a seat.

“What exactly happened Rainbow?” I looked at Spade and related how we had been talking about the confrontation with my dad, and how I tried to change the subject by asking him about the violin. As soon as I mentioned the instrument, I saw realization and pity enter their eyes and I wanted to be sick. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. Something about that question, that instrument was the trigger. Their looked became even more grim when I admitted to telling Ky that I loved him. It was apparent that I had screwed up, significantly. They knew whatever it was I didn’t, and it was bad.

“Will someone please just tell me what’s going on? It doesn’t make any sense to me why he would get so upset over that. I can tell you guys know. Please? What did I do wrong?” I begged.

“You didn’t do anything wrong baby girl. I’m sure you’ve figured out he doesn’t like to open up or deal with emotion. You hit on a tough subject for him, but it’s not your fault, and it’s not our story to tell.” Ace’s words didn’t make me feel any better. He said it wasn’t my fault, but unknowingly or not, I had pushed Kyden away.

What if he decided it was too much, that being with me was too much and he wanted out? All because of some stupid question that was supposed to be harmless. I felt like I was losing him before I even really had him. They sensed my panic and tried to reassure me.

“Hey, don’t. It’s going to work out,” Chris soothed. “He needs time to work through his shit and calm down. Then he’ll come back. He cares about you too much not to, but you don’t need to be worrying about this. You’ve had a long day, just get some rest. It’ll be okay.”

I wanted to, no I needed to, believe his words, but they didn’t provide the comfort they should have. I wasn’t so sure that he was right. Ky hadn’t said he loved me back, not that I had expected him to, but it still hurt that he ran out on me instead of talking to me like he’d promised he would.

I was undeniably and irrevocably in love with him. In such a short time, a matter of days, I had allowed him to infiltrate every part of me. Or maybe it really hadn‘t happened that fast. Maybe it had been happening since the first time he turned those penetrating eyes on me.

Sometime over the last two months, I’d let my walls fall down and now he was so completely inside of me, that I didn’t know how I would ever get him out if Chris was wrong. That’s why I had to believe that he wasn’t. The alternative was too devastating to even consider.

Curled up in his bed, I laid awake, staring at my phone waiting for a call or text, and desperately hoping to hear the sounds of a motorcycle returning. I never did. At some point I fell asleep still waiting and hoping. My last thought was that I hadn’t even gotten to ask him how the meeting with the record label went.

In the morning I woke up alone, no text messages, no missed calls. I showered, got dressed and ate breakfast, all the while still hoping. Bas came to take Lucy, Izzy and I back to the hospital. Someone must have let him know that Kyden had bailed. I tried one more time to call him, but was ignored just like before. Pathetically I even sent him six different text messages throughout the morning, telling him how sorry I was and pleading with him to talk to me. Not one of my finer moments, but I would have given just about anything to fix it. What did my pride matter?

The day drug by slowly, with me checking my phone every five minutes until Bas finally took it away when we were sitting in the hospital cafeteria. It was just the two of us, Luce and Izzy were with Shane, and we were getting lunch.

“Don’t do this Jazz,” Bas pleaded with me.

“Then what do I do Bas? Tell me what I’m supposed to do to?”

“I don’t know Jazz,” he sighed.

“But you do know why he reacted the way he did. You all know what’s going on. I’m the only one in the dark here and I can’t stand it.”

“Me telling you won’t make anything better. He has to tell you himself. That’s the only way to get past this.”

“What if he doesn’t?” My question was met by Bas’ silence and my heart dropped further. “I love him Bas. I tried not to, but I can’t help it,” I choked out. “I’m scared.”

“I know Jazz. I know.”

We finished our cheap meal in silence. In my head I continued to play the situation with Ky over and over, in hopes that I would find an answer, but nothing I came up with explained his extreme reaction, not that I was even able to come up with much. It was just hard to imagine any reason why that subject would make him so angry, or why he so desperately didn’t want me to love him.

When we returned to Shane’s room my grief turned to joy, for a while at least. “You’re awake,” I gasped when I walked in and saw Shane sitting up with Izzy in his lap. Kyden was pushed to the back of my mind and nothing could stop the huge smile from spreading across my face. Lucy’s face matched my own and she was sitting in the chair on the far side of his bed with a tight grip on his hand.

“Yeah, it seems there are a few people around here who still need me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.” This time when the tears came they were happy tears. As carefully as I could without hurting him, I went to his side and hugged him. It quickly turned into a group hug when Izzy wrapped her little arms around both of our necks. As long as the people in this room were okay and with me, nothing else mattered. I would be alright. I had everything I needed. At least that’s what I tried to convince myself over and over in the following days.

The next day passed in the hospital as well. Shane’s body continued to heal, the four of us talked, laughed and complained about the food, while Izzy never left her father’s lap except when forced.

Vi and Jake popped in. Chris and his dad checked on us, and one by one the rest of the guys either called or stopped by. Kyden never did.

I was sure one of the others would have let him know what was going on. Even if they hadn’t, I’d gotten my phone back and sent him another half dozen pathetic text messages, one of which contained the news that Shane woke up and was expected to make a full recovery. Still I got no response. That hurt more than anything. He knew how scared I was that Shane wouldn’t make it. He took care of me while I fell apart that day and told me everything would be okay. Well, he lied. Everything was not okay. I was so far from okay.

I struggled not to let myself dwell on it. I tried to focus on the friends who were there and be thankful that my brother was going to be alright, and I was thankful, but none of that took away the ache of missing and wanting the one person who wasn’t there.

When Bas and I were leaving the hospital that evening, I ducked into the bathroom to try and call him one more time without getting pity eyes from Bas. This time I wasn’t sent to voicemail though, it was worse. Much worse. The voice that answered wasn’t Kyden’s, but I definitely recognized it.

“I told you that he would get tired of you and come back to me. You should have listened sweetie.” I didn’t need to hear anything else before hanging up on Kaylie.

I didn’t remember leaving the restroom, or following Bas out to his car and getting in. We were half way back to the house before I snapped out of the daze I was in. There was no way I was going back there tonight, to his bed. I pleaded with Bas to let me crash with him and Lissa. Thankfully he agreed. I couldn’t tell him about the phone call yet. I still felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach just thinking about him with her.

All I wanted was to be alone so I could cry myself to sleep. Only, once I was in the spare bedroom of their apartment, the tears just kept coming and didn’t stop. Every time I closed my eyes I saw his arms around her, his lips on her body and I wanted to scream. I felt like such a sucker because I never saw it coming. I believed him when he said he said that he had never felt for anyone, what he felt for me. I fell for every touch and kiss, but I should have known that physical intimacy was nothing to him.

I knew he hadn’t purposefully taken advantage of me, or lied about it all. He wasn’t that cruel. I wasn’t that wrong about him. The problem was that he hadn’t cared as much as I thought. He didn’t want it as badly as I believed, or it wouldn’t have been so easy for him to jump from my arms back into hers.

He tried, and when it got hard he ran. He’d said he wouldn’t, but he did anyway. I wasn’t enough for him to stay and fight. He warned me up front that he couldn’t make any promises. Yet I had still foolishly opened myself to him without reservation, and made him my everything in all of about two point five seconds. Then, just as quickly as it all happened, it ended. If he was my everything, and now he was gone, what did that leave me with?

I had my brother, his beautiful wife and daughter. I had my two best friends and a handful of new ones. I was blessed. I knew that, but my heart just didn’t care when it felt like it was being ripped into a hundred pieces. I was losing a part of myself that I’d only recently discovered and begun to love. The part of myself that came alive when I was with Kyden.

Sleep finally came sometime during the night, but it didn’t last. I woke up to my first phone call from Kyden. Twelve hours ago that’s all I had wanted, and now I wanted to throw my phone against the wall.

Let’s see how he likes being sent straight to voicemail.

I knew I was being immature, that I needed to face him and get it all over with, but that obstinate nature of mine reared itself and I was determined to make this as difficult for him as possible.

He called eight more times that day and every single time I ignored him. I spent the entire day hiding out in the guest bedroom at Bas’. Work had given me the entire week off to be with my brother, but I didn’t go back to the hospital. I used the excuse that he still needed a lot of rest and that all of his time should be spent with his wife and daughter. In reality I just didn’t want to drag anyone else into my misery. My brother’s recovery was something that should be celebrated, his hospital room should be a cheerful place and I was a black hole. I called him every day though, and hoped he couldn’t pick up on my mood over the phone.

The next day Kyden’s calls started at seven in the morning. I continued to reject them. I was not able to ignore Bas, however, when he stormed into the room at ten.

“This has got to stop. You need to get your ass out of bed Jazz. I know this sucks but I’m not going to let you keep hiding from the world in here. You won’t get anywhere if you don’t talk to him. I know you’re mad, but I thought that’s what you wanted. Now I’ve got him calling me.”

“He went to Kaylie,” I whispered and Bas’ rant stopped immediately.

He looked confused. “Wait, what?”

“That’s where he was, with Kaylie. The whole time I was waiting around for him, he was with her.”

“Are you sure? Did he tell you that?”

“Sebastian, baby, get out.” Lissa had been standing just outside the room, but now she was next to the bed kicking her boyfriend out of the room.

“Why do I need to leave? I want to talk about this and figure out what’s going on,” he argued.

“I know you do baby, but she doesn’t need to figure anything out right now. She doesn’t need you asking a million questions. You should go see your dad today.”

“Now I have to leave the house?” He asked incredulously. She grabbed his arm and dragged him out into the hall, but I could still hear what she said.

“Sebastian, I know you want to jump right in and fix this and take care of her, but you can’t,” she told him.

“Why the hell not?”

“Because, her heart is broken, and as much as you want to, you can’t just fix that. You’re a guy and I know that’s hard for you to understand, but she needs someone to listen and let her cry and she needs mass amounts of ice cream and junk food.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because not too long ago that was me.”

He didn’t need any further convincing. I heard him leave the house and I heard Lissa place a call to someone. She came back into the room and climbed up on the bed with me. She didn’t pressure me to talk, and I knew she understood exactly how I was feeling.

We laid there quietly for over twenty minutes before I heard the door open again and Vi came into the room. She laid down on my other side, took my hand in hers and rested her head on my shoulder.

I sobbed quietly for almost half an hour before I ran out of tears to cry. “I know I shouldn’t love him so much, it’s only been a week, but it hurts so much.”

“Oh babe, you were falling for that boy long before you two made it official. Time doesn’t really matter when the heart decides what it wants, and yours has wanted him for a lot longer than a week.” She was right.

“He was being so wonderful. He was sweet and attentive. I thought he really wanted to make it work, but our first fight, that wasn’t even a fight, and he ran straight back to her.”

“That bastard. I knew he was ass but I thought, we all thought he was so different with you. I encouraged you to give him a chance. I actually thought for five seconds that he could be good for you, that he would fight for you. I swear I’m gonna kill him if Bas doesn’t beat me to it.”

“No, I don’t want that. It’s my fault. He told me he didn’t think he could do a relationship. He warned me that he would screw up. I knew he was a therapists dream, with his trust and commitment issues. He’s always jumped from one girl to the next. That doesn’t just go away over night, but I ignored everything I knew. He said he wanted me and that was all it took. This is my fault.”

“This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything-” Lissa was prevented from finishing when the sound of Kyden’s ringtone filled the room. Before I hit ignore though, Vi grabbed it and answered.

“Go back to your whore and leave Jax alone asshole.” She ended the call and tossed it back down on the bed. If I had known that would provoke him into showing up at the apartment fifteen minutes later I would have tried to stop her. He didn’t even knock, just barged right in demanding to talk.

“Oh hell no. You’ve done enough. You had your chance to talk before you went back to your skank.” Vi wasn’t going to back down, but I could tell neither was he. It was going to get ugly. I needed to face him eventually; I might as well do it now, before one of them killed the other.

“It’s fine Vi. I’ll talk to him.”

“Are you sure?”

I nodded.

“We’ll be in the living room if you need anything,” Lissa said before she shut the door behind them. I wondered if they would actually go to the living room or just stand outside the door and listen in.

It was then, with him staring down at me, that I remembered I hadn’t showered in two days and probably had puffy eyes to go along with the messy hair. It helped a little when I noticed that Kyden looked slightly disheveled himself. He hadn’t shaved in days and there were dark circles under his eyes. The only difference was he was still beautiful even when he was a mess.

“I know I screwed up taking off like that, but I can explain,” he started.

“I don’t need you to explain. I got the message loud and clear.”

“I’m sorry that I ignored your calls. I just needed time to figure some stuff out. I panicked, and I had to get away.”

“And back to Kaylie, yeah I got it. She was kind enough to let me know when she answered your phone,” I snapped. I didn’t want his excuses. He couldn’t justify or explain away what he did.

“What are you talking about? When did she answer my phone?”

Did he really think I was that naïve? “Wednesday night. I called you, but she answered your phone and told me you were back with her.”

“Fuck,” he cursed.

Yeah, you can’t get out of this one buddy.

He ran his hand through his hair and stared down at his feet for a moment before sitting on the edge of the bed. “She was there, but I swear I didn’t go to her. I was at my buddy Mick’s, crashing on his couch. He had people over and she showed up, but I promise nothing happened. I must have left my phone sitting where she could get it, but I didn’t even speak to her. You can ask Mick or anyone else who was there.” I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I wanted to, badly, and it was definitely something she would do.

“I promise you Princess. You have every right to be pissed at me, but not for that. I didn’t touch her.”

I sighed. He was telling the truth. It didn’t make everything better, but it took some of the hurt away to know that he hadn’t cheated. “I believe you, but it doesn’t change anything. I still don’t want you here.”

“I know. I just need to tell you something, so you’ll understand that none of this was ever your fault. I need to explain why I took off. I owe you that much, and then I’ll go.”

He was offering me the one thing I had desperately wanted to know since he bailed on me Monday night; the big secret, or whatever it was that set him off, and now I wasn’t so sure I wanted to know. It might explain everything, it could make things right between us, which should have made me eager to hear it, but I was more terrified that it wouldn’t. That he would reveal whatever it was and it wouldn’t change anything. I would still be left angry and heartbroken.

If there was a chance to work things out though, I had to take it, and if I turned him down this time, I probably wouldn’t get the chance ever again. He was lowering a wall and I needed to scale that thing and throw myself over the top while I could.

“Okay, I’m listening.”

Chapter 35

“I hated playing the violin. The first time my mother put one in my hands when I was seven, I wanted to smash it against the wall and shatter it into pieces. The violin instructor my parents hired was a dreadful bitch. I had to deal with her four times a week until I was thirteen. The day she retired to Florida, I wanted to throw a party. Two weeks later my mother found someone to take her place and I stopped hating the violin so much.” He was fidgeting and his hands kept returning to his hair. I’d never seen him look so out of place and uncomfortable. He took a deep breath before continuing.

“Elaina was nineteen and music lessons were how she paid her way through school. I was just hitting puberty and she was every horny, little boy’s fantasy. I hung on her every word and would practice for hours after she left every day, just so I could surprise her. My parents were never around; our sessions were always in private. Things didn’t start getting weird until about six months after Elaina started coming to the house.” I had a sick feeling in my stomach that I knew where this story was going. I could only pray that I was way off.

“Elaina would start rewarding me when I perfected a new piece or concept. At first it was just innocent little things, or at least I thought they were. A hug, a kiss on the cheek, or she would end the lesson for the rest of the day and we would play video games or go for a swim in the pool if we could get away with it. Pretty soon she started bringing me gifts. A cd she knew I wanted, but my parents didn’t approve of, and then right before my fourteenth birthday, she brought me a dirty mag.” I raised my eyebrows.

“Like I said, I was a horny little bastard so it wasn’t the first time I had seen porn, but having my older violin teacher bring it to me was mind blowing. That night when she was gone I pulled it out and realized that the girls in the magazine looked a lot like her. They all had long blonde hair and big blue eyes and had a similar build; lots of curves.” I wanted to stop him, because now there was no doubt in my mind about where this was leading. I wanted to stop him, but I had to hear it so I let him keep talking. I remained silent the whole time, trying hard to mask my horror and disgust.

“By the time I turned fourteen, the touches and kisses on the cheek started lingering a little longer and happening more frequently. My parents loved her because I wasn’t complaining about having to play anymore, and she was quickly becoming my obsession. It wasn’t too much later that she gave me my first real kiss. A month after that, we took another swim, only this time she went topless. Then the next time she took her shirt off she asked if I wanted to touch her.”

I couldn’t hear this, I thought I could listen but I was going to be physically ill. I started shaking my head and my eyes were burning with the tears I wanted to cry for that fourteen year old boy, and the hatred I felt for Elaina.

“Please, just let me finish. You need to hear it all.”

I didn’t want to, I wanted to do anything but sit here and listen to the rest of this tale play out, but I had to do it for him. As difficult as it was for me to hear, it had to be even worse for him to tell me. “Okay. Keep going,” I whispered.

“After that she made it a game. She would start stripping while I played and if I could make it through the piece without messing up she would let me touch her. When I got better at that she came up with new tactics to try and distract me and she started touching me. I was still fourteen when I lost my virginity, and more of our lessons were spent in my bed, than actually playing the violin. I was so in love with her and I thought she loved me back. She said we just had to keep our relationship a secret until I was eighteen and we could be together.

“We continued sneaking around until I was seventeen. She became my entire fucking world. No one had ever paid attention to me like that, listened to me, cared about what I thought. I felt like she was the only person in the world who truly got me. Then one day my Mom informed me that Elaina quit because she was getting married and that I didn’t need a violin tutor anymore. I went up to my room and did what I had wanted to do when I was eight. I smashed my violin to pieces. I haven’t picked one up since that day. It was all a joke. It was all pretend to her. She was just another heartless bitch, no different than my affectionless mother who used people and discarded them when she was done.”

Until that moment I had only ever truly hated two other people, and recently my hatred toward Jack had lessoned. What I felt toward Elaina was right up there with how I felt about Connor. I was nauseous, and shaking with an anger that was foreign to me. My heart was shattered for him, and I wanted her to pay for it. She had taken a sweet kid, who was probably just dying for some female attention, someone to care about him, and she had taken advantage of him and broke him. She was responsible for this damaged man sitting in front of me, face filled with shame.

I knew there was more to his story, that his past had other hurts, probably from his parents, especially his mother, but this was the major event that had shaped him into who he was today. It was no wonder he didn’t trust or respect most women. His womanizing ways and all the bitterness and resentment that boiled just under the surface made sense. He hid behind his sarcasm and charm; sex was a weapon that he expertly wielded, and it was because of that woman.

“What’s going through your head right now?” He asked avoiding my eyes.

“You don’t want to know,” I answered.

“Yes I do. I need to know what you’re thinking.”

“I’m thinking about how much I want to run that woman over with my car, how much I want to scream at your mother for not knowing what was going on. I feel sickened just imagining her touching you.” He winced. “But mostly I’m just sorry, so sorry that it happened to you.”

“Don’t,” he warned. “Don’t fucking do that. I’m not a damn victim and I don’t want your pity.” I finally understood what it was to be one the other end of that statement.

“Believe me, I know about not wanting people’s pity, better than anyone. That’s not what this is. I can’t help but hurt for you, no matter what you think, this was something that was done to you. She took advantage of a kid-” Definitely the wrong thing to say.

He jumped up and turned on me in a flash. “Nothing was done to me. I wasn’t fucking raped or molested. I knew what we were doing and I sure as hell didn’t say no, but I definitely enjoyed it.” I didn’t know if that part was meant just to hurt me, but it did. “This is why I didn’t want to talk about it. Things were good, but I knew the second you found out, everything between us would change. You’re just like them. My mother, Elaina, the bitches I’ve screwed.”

It felt like he’d slapped me across the face. “How can you say that,” I asked hoarsely.

“You all want something from me, you just want to take. The only thing that makes you different is you want to take my fuckin heart, you want my soul. Well it’s too fuckin much. You say you love me, but you can’t. I don’t want you to. I’m just gonna hurt you, I’m gonna destroy you. I’m just like her. I’ll ruin you.”

He turned around and moved to the other side of the room. He was trying to push me away again. He’d finally let me in, and for the first time I really saw him, right down into his soul, the one he was trying so hard to hide, but I saw it.

I saw a little boy starved for affection from his mother, the thirteen year old kid dying to please, to have someone appreciate him. The fourteen year old kid who was tricked into believing that sex was love, and I saw the seventeen year old boy who had that lie exposed and ripped out of him. All of it broke my heart for him even more.

There had been countless girls since then, who had wanted a piece of him, his body, his talent, his reputation, and not one of them really knew him. They didn’t care about the guy underneath all of that, but I did. God did I care.

I wanted to hold him, to tell him it wasn’t his fault. I wanted to tell him that there wasn’t anything wrong with him and all of the same things Bas and Vi had been saying to me for years. I knew that words alone didn’t help though, that I couldn’t make him believe anything he didn’t want to. Most of all I wanted to tell him that his heart would be safe with me, I wanted him to believe that I would never destroy it the way his mother and Elaina had. I wanted him to trust me.

I didn’t know what was going on in his head, but what I could see scared me. There was regret in his eyes, and I was betting he wished he hadn’t told me. He wanted to take it all back. The wall was fully erected again, reinforced and twice as high, and I wasn’t getting through it this time.

I thought knowing his secret would bring us closer, that it would strengthen our relationship, but it was going to do the opposite. He was retreating, getting defensive. I could see it happening right in front of me and I couldn’t stop it. All the while I was falling deeper. Knowing what he had been through, and the chance he had been willing to take on me, only made me love him more. He didn’t just have a piece of my heart, he owned the whole scarred thing and that was really dangerous for me.

I’d already spent three days experiencing the pain of losing him. Now that I knew just how damaged he was, I also knew that he would fight with every part of himself to keep his own heart locked up. I would always be the one who cared more, loved more and therefore would have so much more to lose. I didn’t blame him, but I didn’t know if I could keep fighting for something he would probably never be able to give me.

I was torn. The distance between us was even greater than it had been before his confession, and my head was screaming to get out now while it only felt like I was being crushed. That pain wouldn’t even come close to touching the devastation I would know if I continued to give him more of myself. I would love him more and more every day and if he ran again I wouldn’t just be crushed, I would be decimated.

His back was facing me and he was probably fighting his own internal battle. His hands were braced against the door frame and his head rested on it. I didn’t know whether he was going to twist the handle and walk out or turn around and snap at me some more. Really, either one was just as likely.

“I think we need to take some time and figure out what we want. It would be better if you stayed here.” Just like that, I knew. It was over. We were over. He’d made the decision for the both of us. I should’ve been relieved. We were both getting out before we hurt each other any further. This was the rational, smart choice and yet I wanted to punch him, kick him and scream at him for taking the choice away from me. I wanted to beg him not to walk out that door. My head was getting what it wanted but my heart was raging at losing what it wanted so badly.

I couldn’t and wouldn’t beg though, because deep down, I did know that it was for the best. I wouldn’t be like all of those other girls who threw tantrums and then threw objects, to try and make him stay. We’d both known this was how it would end. It just happened sooner than I had expected. He left me sitting on that bed as he walked out of the room and the apartment. He didn’t see the tears pouring down my face. He never looked back.

Lissa and Vi returned and took up their positions on either side of me again. I didn’t tell them what he’d shared with me. I wouldn’t betray that trust. The guys had been right; it wasn’t anyone’s story to tell but his. I did tell them that he wanted to take some time to think about things. Their faces showed that they saw it for the ending that it was too.

I cried some more, we ate  ice cream, we bashed men in general, even though they were both happy in their relationships and I didn’t really hate all guys. I didn’t even hate Kyden, but it did make me feel better. A little. Very little.

Bas came home that evening waving two large boxes of pizza. Lissa took one right out of his hands, sent him to the living room and closed the door behind her again. We stayed that way all night, just the three of us talking and sharing our heartaches. Lissa busted out her “breakup DVDs” and we spent hours watching some of the greatest romances of all time. Our girls’ night turned into a slumber party when they passed out sometime during Pretty Woman. It must’ve been after one in the morning, but I couldn’t find sleep.

I carefully and quietly slipped out of the bed and padded down the hall to Bas and Lissa’s room. I stood outside the room, unable to bring myself to knock and wake him up, but I wanted my best friend. The girls were amazing, and they got me through the day, but now I needed the comfort that only he could provide.

I was just raising my hand to knock when the door opened. “I thought I heard you out here. Took you long enough.” His eyes were sad and understanding. He tugged me into his chest.

“Did you wait up for me?” He didn’t need to answer, his face said it all. He was the one person who knew me better than I knew myself and he knew I would need him tonight. We moved to the couch in the living room and he tucked me into his side and rested his chin on top of my head. He rubbed my back while I cried into his shoulder. I didn’t hold anything back from him, he knew Kyden’s story, at least the gist of it.

He understood why my heart not only broke for myself, but for Ky as well. He also knew better than anyone what it was like to want so badly, to help someone you cared about, to want to take away their pain and not be able to. I was even more grateful for everything he had ever done for me. I finally understood what he must have felt all along watching me suffer, and here he was again, trying to ease my hurt. The tears finally stopped and the ache in my chest lessened as sleep finally took hold.

I’d hoped in the morning it would hurt less, that it would be easier for me to accept that it was the right thing. Two people so damaged didn’t belong together. My hope was in vain though. I spent another day holed up in bed with a box of tissue, hating every character in every movie who got their happily ever after. I prayed for God to take the pain away, but I knew there was no instant cure.

The rest of my weekend looked the same. Then Monday came around and I was forced to shower and go back to work. Shane was recovering rapidly, able to go home from the hospital, and repairs were starting on my house. I’d given in and let the crew my dad hired take care of it since they kept calling, and if he wanted to pay, then I would let him, and I would make sure that I spent an outrageous amount of his money.

I didn’t see or hear from Kyden once during the week. Saturday I went over to Shane’s to have dinner with them. I felt bad for staying away, and as much as I tried not to show how depressed I was, he and Lucy could still see it. They did the one thing that ensured I wouldn’t be able to wallow in it though. They insisted Izzy have a sleepover with Auntie Jaxy. She was thrilled and there was no way I could say no to her cute face, so she spent the night with me at Bas and Lissa’s.

The next afternoon Spade and Ace showed up to take the two of us to lunch and then the latest Disney movie. They were amazing, all of my friends were. They tried to keep me busy and distracted. No one mentioned Kyden, but I still missed him.

Monday came again and crawled by at a snail’s pace. If it was possible Tuesday was even slower. All week I woke up, went to work, and then I went back to Bas’ apartment and shut myself in what had become my room. Occasionally I emerged to hang out with Bas and Lissa, or the others when they stopped by. When I was alone I turned on my lovesick playlist and lost myself in the lives of the characters in the novels on my e-reader and wished that all of my problems could be wrapped up in a matter of a few chapters.

Chapter 36

On Friday I had to be at my house to check on the progress and pick out paint and new fixtures for the kitchen. Mark called me every day to fill me in on what they accomplished and to ask any questions they had for me. From the sounds of it, things were going smoothly and I would be back in my house sometime next week. I couldn’t wait to be back in my own space. They would never say it, but it had to be a burden for Bas and Lissa to have me moping around their apartment every day.

Vi picked me up early from work to give me a ride to my house. My dad had called to inform me that someone had tipped Connor off and he’d disappeared, so I still had to have an escort everywhere I went.

When I got in her car, I could tell something was up. She avoided looking at me and on the drive she tried to make meaningless small talk which wasn’t like her. I didn’t have it in me to go along with it, so I only answered her with one word responses until she gave up and finally said what she really needed to.

“So, there’s a party at the guys’ house tonight.”

“I don’t want to go so you can save your breath.” I still wasn’t ready to face him. He hadn’t so much as sent a text message to see how I was. I didn’t want to spend the night watching girls throw themselves at him. I’d rather stay home and scrub every inch of the apartment with a toothbrush than watch that.

“I know, and I wouldn’t even bring it up, except that the guys, well Chris, Ace and Spade, really want you there. It’s kind of a big celebration thing.”

“Celebration?”

“Yeah, they got the deal. The label signed them earlier this week.”

“When?”

“I think it was final on Wednesday.”

“Why didn’t they tell me?” I asked feeling dejected because I was the last to know.

“I think they were afraid it might upset you more and I think they also hoped that he would come talk to you himself.”

I was a horrible friend, so wrapped up in my own world that my friends, the ones who had been there for me so much in the last few months, felt like they couldn’t share their good news with me. I needed to get over myself and be there for them tonight. It wasn’t about me and Kyden, it was about the band, and every single one of them deserved this. It was my turn to be there for them.

“I’ll go,” I told her, and the next several hours were spent dreading the party. Vi helped me make the choices for the kitchen, but I couldn’t tell you what colors, or lights or sink I decided on. I had to trust that Vi wouldn’t have let me pick out anything tacky or distasteful. All I could think about was tonight, and seeing him. Even though I was sure we were over, tonight would solidify it. There would be no doubt left when I saw him, one way or the other. I didn’t realize how much my heart had been clinging to the tiny scrap of hope that he missed me as much as I missed him.

I changed six different times before finally deciding on a simple, but cute, emerald green halter dress that cinched at the waist and fell to my knees. The fact that the color reminded me of a certain pair of eyes had nothing to do with why I chose it. I let my hair hang down over my shoulders and skipped the makeup. If I ended up crying again, which was likely, it would only end up a mess.

An hour later Bas’ car was parked outside their house. We’d been there for about ten minutes and I still couldn’t make myself get out.

“You have to go inside eventually Jazz.”

“I know. You might have to drag me though. I don’t think I can do it on my own Bas.”

“Yes you can. You’re stronger than this Jazz, even though you don’t want to be.” I hated when he was right, but he was. I was acting like a stubborn child, it would be better to just get it over with. I took a deep breath and steeled myself. I grabbed the door handle, and before I changed my mind, forced myself out of the car and up the steps to the front door, with Bas and Lissa at my side. Bas gave my hand a squeeze before we went inside.

There were more people than I had ever seen in their house. It was almost as packed as the bars were for their shows. The sound system was blasting one of their songs.

“Rainbow!” Spade scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder as soon as he spotted me. Before I could protest we were moving toward the kitchen. As we passed through the mass of bodies, I tried to lift my head so I could look for Ky, and when Spade set me down on a barstool I was still searching for him.

“He’s not in here, you don’t have to worry.”

I hadn’t even tried to be discreet. I saw that Ace and Marcus were both amongst the crowd in the kitchen. Maysie was at Marcus’ side, their hands entwined. I felt a ridiculous pang of jealousy at the sight. It wasn’t their fault and I was happy for both of them, but I couldn’t help it. I never got the chance to hold Ky’s hand in a room full of people, to show them that he was mine.

“I’m really glad you came, Rainbow. If it gets to be too much though, just come find me and I’ll take you away, promise.”

“Or me, baby girl.” Ace came up behind me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. We’re all on your side. It’s pretty unanimous that we think he’s being a dumbass.”

“Thanks guys. I appreciate it, but it’s really not his fault. It’s what’s best for us. It was silly to think we could make it work in the first place. Tonight’s not about that though. It’s about you guys, and don’t think that I’m not mad at you because I had to wait to hear it from Vi. I would have been happy for you. This is amazing and you guys deserve it.”

Ace brought his other arm around me and crushed me to his chest. “Thanks baby girl. It feels pretty damn amazing.”

I was about to ask them for details about the deal when Chris burst into the kitchen with a girl under each arm and a beer in hand, and I could tell it wasn’t his first. Or second. Probably not his third either. “You guys ready for a tour?” He shouted. “We’re taking the east coast, and then it will be the world!” Everyone cheered and hollered, but I was stuck on the tour part. I turned back to face Spade.

“You guys are leaving?” The sympathy and regret in his eyes was my answer. “How soon?”

“We leave next week, they’re throwing us on with Johnny Timbale and Expelling Shadows.”

That was huge. Their shows had been selling out within a day of going on sale. Getting put on tour with them would make the guys’ careers. They were so good and the whole country was about to hear it, and Chris was right, the entire world would be next.

It was more than just huge, it was incredible, but I couldn’t find it in myself to be excited that they were leaving. I wanted this for them, I really did, but it meant they were all leaving me. I wasn’t just losing Kyden, but all of these guys that I had come to care so much about. Even Danny was going with them to shoot the tour. He worked as a free lance photographer.

I hated how selfish I was being. I should have been jumping up and down and cheering with the rest of the crowd, but I couldn’t. Instead, I hugged them both and went to find a quiet place to pull myself together before I ruined their party. They started to come after me but I shook my head and they gave in.

I was trying to push my way through to the bathroom when I caught a glimpse of Kyden entering his bedroom. It looked like he was alone. He hadn’t seen me and closed his door behind him. I felt a calm come over me, all day I had been anticipating seeing him with a sense of despair, but now all I felt was resolve.

I followed after him and slipped into his bedroom. He was stretched out on his bed, leaned up against the headboard with one of his composition books in his hand. Whatever he was writing had his full attention because he didn’t even notice me, until I shut the door.

“So a tour. Did you know this was going to happen before we talked?”

He sighed. “Yeah. They were pretty up front from the beginning about what they wanted to happen. They laid out the details of the tour at the second meeting.” The second meeting. That was the day Shane had been shot, the meeting I never got to ask him about.

“So when you said we should take some time, you meant like what? Three months? Six? I mean, how long is the tour?”

“Two months on the east coast, another if they want to keep us on for the west coast, and another two if we go overseas with them, but who knows what will happen.” Of course they would want to keep them on the tour. There was no way they wouldn’t once people started going crazy for them.

“What was the point of any of this then if you knew you were probably leaving?” Unless that’s exactly why he started it? He knew if it didn’t work, he got to leave without being the bad guy, because how could I ever hold pursuing his dream against him?

“I was going to ask you to go with me.”

What? Go with him. Did he really mean it? Did it even matter now? No, it didn’t because now we both knew it would never work. He didn’t want it enough and I wanted it too much.

“You could still come,” he said casually. “We could try to maybe figure this out.” What an enthusiastic offer. I really felt how much he wanted me to be there. I almost laughed, except that it hurt too much.

“I think we’ve both already figured out everything we need to. No point in dragging it out across the country when that’s not what either of us really wants. It would only hurt more later on. It’s best if we both just move past this.” I was lying with everything I had, while on the inside I was begging him to call me on it, to see that I would follow him anywhere. I wanted, more than anything, for him to try to change my mind. I wanted him to fight for me, for us.

He didn’t of course, because unlike me, this was exactly how he wanted it. He was probably relieved, even though I couldn’t read anything in his expression because he had his emotions in check and all his walls up.

He just nodded like that’s what he’d expected me to say. “You’re probably right,” he said and then gave me a sad smile. “I want you to know that I don’t regret anything, and I’m sorry this is how it ended Jaxyn.”

Jaxyn.

There it was. The end. I’d suspected it when he disappeared and ignored my calls on the night Shane was shot. I knew it when Kaylie answered his phone, and then I believed it for sure when he said we needed time. At least I thought I had, but I was wrong. My heart had refused to accept what my head had known all along, but my heart was finally on the same page now. It was the first time he had ever called me by my name, and it was the first time I’d ever hated the sound of my name.

He stood up and pulled me into a hug and pressed a kiss to the top of my head, and just like that my heart knew it was goodbye. Probably not forever. He would come home eventually, and because of our friends, our lives would still be tied together, but it was goodbye to the ‘us’ that never even really had a chance to be.

I’d hated goodbye when I had to say it to my mom in her hospital room. I hated it again when I said it to Bas after our graduation dinner, knowing it would be for longer than he realized. I hated it just as much right now and I still had a round of goodbyes left to make it through with the rest of the band. I wasn’t actually losing them the way I was Kyden, but I knew it would still suck, and I was right.

That next week when we all stood in the driveway of the very same house and I hugged each of them and wished them the best, it did suck. It sucked so much I couldn’t even try to stop the tears.

“Please don’t cry baby girl. You have no idea how hard it was to even pack my bags knowing I was leaving you behind. You’ll be okay though. You’re so strong and this isn’t going to change anything. I love you Jax. We all do, even if not everyone is ready to admit it to themselves,” Ace whispered in my ear as I clung to him. “We’ll be back for a break in two months, and I’m going to call you every single day. You’ll be so sick of me that you won’t miss me at all.” It was sweet. It was a lie, but still sweet. I was going to miss him so much, all of them.

They climbed into the van and drove off taking my heart with them. After they were no longer in sight I sat down on the sidewalk and silently sobbed. I wanted to believe Ace when he promised nothing would change, but these last two months were proof of just how little time it took for things to be completely turned upside down, and they were going to be gone a lot longer than that. I had no doubt they would ride out the entire tour.

Chapter 37

The first month they were gone was the hardest. I moved back into my house the same day they left. Bas wasn’t comfortable with me being alone since Connor was still out there somewhere. I didn’t care though. Connor was a coward, a coward who was probably as far away from Boston as he could get, running from my father. I wanted my space back, but mostly I didn’t want anyone else witnessing any more of my pathetic wallowing.

I didn’t even leave my bed that entire weekend except when it was absolutely necessary. I ignored everyone’s calls, except Ace’s. My cell phone was by my side at all times so that I wouldn’t miss it. The first one came Saturday night, after the tour kicked off in North Carolina. I was anxious to hear about their first concert. I didn’t go to sleep that night, afraid I wouldn’t hear the phone ring. He finally called at one in the morning.

For fifteen minutes I pushed everything else aside and did my best impression of enthusiastic and cheerful. They deserved my support, and I didn’t need to make them feel any worse than they already did just because I was having a hard time. Ace passed the phone around to each of the guys. Except for one. None of them had slept yet, they were still buzzing from the show. By the end of the conversation, I really was ecstatic for them, but then we hung up and everything I pushed aside came back.

I wondered what he thought about their first show, if he was feeling as amped up as the rest of them. If he had gotten nervous before the performance or if he was his typical cool and collected self. I wondered if any girls followed him back to his hotel room. Why wouldn’t he take one back? They wouldn’t ask anything of him except one night.

During the week things were easier. I had a routine to get back to. I couldn’t slack on my work if I wanted to keep my job, and I really wanted to keep my job. Not only was it something I enjoyed, but it provided much needed distraction.

Then Saturday came again and I was intent on keeping myself busy at the house. I stood in the doorway of the spare room and decided it was a good day to get it converted to a guest bedroom. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t stalk any of the music blogs or social media websites to check up on Ky, and staying busy was the only way I was going to be able to keep that promise.

I sorted boxes and drawers, setting aside the projects I wanted to finish and finding places for the ones my mom and I had completed in her last months. I put the excess craft supplies in a stack to be donated and almost everything else I wanted to save went to the attic. I texted Vi to ask her to go with me tomorrow to pick out a bed and drop off the stuff for donation. I knew it would make her happy to get me out of the house and doing something productive.

I was right and she was thrilled. She tried to turn it into an entire day of shopping and lunch, but I couldn’t make myself go along with it. I compromised and let her help me pick out other furniture for the room and new bedding. She didn’t want to drop me back at my house when we were done, but she did.

I should have let her talk me into lunch, as much shopping as she wanted, a movie, and dinner. Anything that would have kept me from going home and doing what I did.

When I got back, I set my purchases in the spare room and then there was nothing left to do. The furniture was being delivered the next day and then I could finish it. I wandered through the house, but I couldn’t find anything else to occupy the rest of the day, and that’s why it only took me four hours to cave. I watched TV, I read, I even painted my nails, but my eyes kept drifting to my laptop, until I found myself sitting in front of it, opening up my internet browser.

Everything I read was exactly what I expected. People loved them, girls especially loved them. They had played four shows, two in North Carolina, one in West Virginia and then the most recent was in Florida. They were blowing up every site I checked. They weren’t the only ones though, and that was why I wished I hadn’t turned on my stupid computer.

I found out that Hollow Crossing had been signed as well and put on the same tour. Jealousy and anger leaked out my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop it even though I believed Kyden when he said nothing else happened between them. I even knew that he never really had feelings for her, but I wasn’t rational. I was heartbroken. Logic and reason flew out the window and none of it mattered.

The only thing that that mattered to me was that the closest person to an ex-girlfriend he had, was traveling the country with him and I was not. It was that thought, that left me hunched over, arms clutched around my middle while sobs wracked my body. I hated the thought of them growing closer on the road together, of him turning to her. That night, for the first time, I sent Ace to voicemail. His second call as well, but he saw right through me. The calls were followed immediately by a text message.

Ace: I’m guessing you know she’s here. I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. We didn’t want to make it harder for you, but I swear he hardly even speaks to her.

I didn’t respond, and he didn’t send any more texts or try to call again that night. I couldn’t ignore him for long though. I didn’t really want to, I was just mad that I’d been blindsided. The next evening when my phone rang with his image on the screen I answered it. We talked, not about Kyden or Kaylie, but about how much fun they were having and everything they were experiencing. I was excited for him, for all of them. I went back to looking forward to his calls each night.

The following week saw a little more normalcy return to my life, even though I felt anything but, on the inside. It was easier to wake up each morning and face the day ahead of me, but the pain was always there, just under the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness, to incapacitate me. The days were a blur of keeping my mind focused on anything else, so that wouldn’t happen. I went to dinner at Shane and Lucy’s, had lunch dates with Vi and Lissa and Friday after work I was in the stands cheering Bas on at his first lacrosse game of the season. I laughed, I smiled, I even had a little bit of fun, but I didn’t stop missing him. I missed him the most after I talked to Ace and guys each night. I would lay in bed and remember what it had felt like to lay beside him. I imagined how different things would be if that night had never happened, if I’d gone with him. I’d be laying beside him each night.

I finally reached out to Sadie as well and we were talking on the phone a couple times a week. I’d put off talking to her because sharing my heartbreak with her made me feel weak. My suffering paled in comparison to hers. She’d lost the person she loved as well. Only her fiancé didn’t break up with her and take off on a music tour, he died in Iraq.

I should have known she would never judge me though, or make my pain seem insignificant. She understood what I was going through and was there for me when I was struggling the most. I would call her in the moments when the pain of missing him seemed like too much, and she would talk me through it. She told me that it was a year before she took off her engagement ring, and about the nights she still woke up looking for him next to her, which was the hardest part for her.

Some nights I dreamed of Kyden. Waking up was the worst part for me too after one of those nights. While I slept I had him. I dreamed of the few days we had, but mostly I dreamed of the ones we never had, and what they could have been, if only things were different. That was all ripped away every time I opened my eyes in the morning and it was like saying goodbye to him all over again.

Sadie and I finally made plans for her to come out and visit me in December. She wanted to come sooner, but wasn’t able to work it out with her job. She was now managing the music store. I was anxious for her to spend Christmas with me, not only because I missed her, but also because I knew it meant she wouldn’t be alone for the holiday, since she wouldn’t be spending it with the family she was estranged from. Seeing her also gave me something to look forward to besides the guys’ return.

Nine states and almost twenty shows from the time I watched them load up and drive away, and four weeks had passed. The first month was gone. It was like some pivotal breakup landmark, everyone stopped asking me if I was doing okay. They quit walking on eggshells around me and expecting me to cry at any moment. One month was apparently the appropriate amount of time to get over the only guy you’d ever given your heart to, to stop missing him. On the outside I could make it appear so, and most of the time I felt . . . okay, but some moments it was still a battle for me. I knew I still wasn’t over him.

Sometimes Bas would get this look on his face, like for a brief moment he saw through me, but he never called me on it. I felt awful hiding anything from Bas, putting on a mask for him, but I didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want to disappoint him when he finally thought I was better and moving on. He and Vi were both back in classes and had a lot on their plates without me giving them more to worry about.

Some days were harder than others. The day I finally convinced myself to go pick up the stuff I’d left at the guy’s place, was one of those days that set me back. That day I found out just how not over him I was after a month.

I stood in the doorway of his bedroom taking everything in. So much was the same; there was a pair of jeans strewn across his gaming hair, and my neat little stack of clothes was still folded on top of his dresser. His closet door was left open and although it was mostly empty, the dress I wore to the barbecue our first day as a couple, was hanging there next to his only suit. The book I had started reading that weekend was sitting on his nightstand, still opened to the page I had left off on. A lot of his books and all of the guitars, except Red, were gone, as well his computer and his composition notebooks.

His room looked exactly how I felt, like a shell he left behind. It still held pieces of him; memories and bits of his life, but ultimately it would be clear to anyone who looked inside, that he was gone. I realized then that the pain of losing him hadn’t actually lessened at all. I still missed him with just as intensely as I did the first day without him. I’d just gotten used to the pain; it was a part of me now.

I wasn’t getting over him, but I was accepting his absence. Each day was easier to get through because I knew what to expect. I had adjusted to life without him, but it would take a lot longer than one month for my heart to heal from that loss. There was just too much regret and too many what if’s for me to really let go.

Bas found me sitting on the bed, silently crying into Ky’s pillow. He didn’t say anything, just packed up my stuff and took it out to his car. He came back and lay down beside me, and stared up at the ceiling while I tried to hide my face. He still didn’t speak. When the tears stopped, we got up and he drove me home, but before I could open my door and get out of the car he stopped me.

“Maybe you should call him Jazz,” he suggested hesitantly.

“No.” That was the last thing I would do. He didn’t try to change my mind, but he wasn’t done.

“This has to stop Jazz. No more hiding and letting him do this to you. I can’t stand seeing you like this. I haven’t said anything because I thought you were getting better, but I can see now that I should’ve been paying closer attention. Once before I didn’t see how much you were really hurting and I lost you. I’m not going to let that happen again.”

As much as I didn’t want to hear what he was saying, I also didn’t want to be the girl who kept falling apart because of a boy. He was right. It had to stop. I said goodbye to Bas and went inside and tried not to be that girl anymore.

Two weeks later it was confirmed that John Timbale and Expelling Shadows wanted them for the whole tour. They’d have a ten day break after their last show here in Massachusetts, before they left for Texas, where the west coast tour started.

Up to that point I had been good at only checking the blogs and websites once a week and staying away from all video clips of their performances. I wasn’t healed, but I was getting better and I knew that seeing him, hearing his voice, would only set me back.

I was reading the post that had the tour announcement and at the bottom I saw a heading above one video clip that caused my resolve to waver. “Steamy Duet between Ashes and Ember’s Front Man Kyden McCabe and Hollow Crossing Goddess Kaylie Patton.”

It was like a gruesome accident on the side of the road. You know you should just keep driving, but you can’t help but look. That’s what happened when I clicked play. My heart sped up at the sound of his achingly familiar voice, then my stomach revolted the first time she touched him. The worst part was it was brilliant. They performed one of Hollow Crossing’s songs. I had heard it before, but Kyden brought a whole new intensity and rawness to the song. They were incredible together.

The performance sparked all kinds of comments and gossip about a possible romance between the two. It was like that night in the hospital all over again; her voice on his phone shredding my heart. For the second time I rejected a call from Ace when it came, but he kept calling. After the fourth time I sent him to voicemail he texted.

Ace: Please answer. Don’t shut me out.

When he called again five minutes later I gave in and answered.

“Is this about us continuing the tour?”

“No. I’m sorry I ignored you. I’m really happy for you guys.”

“Is it about the duet then? Did you see the video? That shit they’re saying isn’t true, that kind of gossip is just good publicity.”

“Ace, when will it stop hurting so much?” My voice was so quiet I wasn’t sure if he heard me until he sighed a moment later.

“I don’t know baby girl, I don’t know. That performance wasn’t planned, you need to know that. He couldn’t exactly say no in front of thousands of people.”

“Do you think I’m being stupid, that I should be over him already?”

“You’re not the one being stupid in all of this.” After that he tried to take my mind off of it all by filling me in on some more mishaps on the road.

He told me about how Spade almost missed the bus from Ohio to Pennsylvania. They were three hours late because some girl left him handcuffed to her hotel room bed, and nobody could find him until the maid went in to turn the room over. I could hear Spade hollering in the background trying to get the phone away from Ace, and then he came on and tried to deny the whole incident. I was actually laughing when I got off the phone. It was the first time I had really laughed in a long time. It felt good.

Chapter 38

Three weeks later and month two was wrapping up quickly. I had a huge event to promote and prepare for at the gallery which took up most of my time and energy. There were only six days until their final concert before the break. It was at the Comcast Center in Mansfield, not even an hour from Boston. The guys sent tickets and everyone was planning on going. Everyone except me.

Bas and Vi tried to talk me into it. They thought I was so much stronger than I really was. When I was with them, it was easier to act like I wasn’t still so deeply affected. My life was going on. I wasn’t moping or crying all the time. I was living. Without him. But I wasn’t over him, not by a long shot.

The moments when I was riveted to my computer screen hitting play for just ten seconds of the sweetest misery, was proof of that. Ever since I watched the video of him and Kaylie my resolve had been left in tatters. I wouldn’t allow myself any more than a few brief moments at a time, but I just needed to hear him.

I gave up the blogs and everything else, but I needed the videos. His voice was like the worst kind of drug and every day I was desperate for my next hit. I lived for it. In those moments it was just me and him. His voice reached into my soul and made me feel everything; good and bad. Afterward I was left wrecked for a little while, but it was worth it. At least it meant my heart was still strong enough to feel. The only thing worse than feeling depressed, was feeling nothing at all.

The numbness and emptiness tried to creep in and it terrified me more than all the hurt in the world. It would be too easy to let it wrap around me and erase the pain, but it was a dangerous place for me to go to. I’d been there before; for months after Connor attacked me I had been that way. I never wanted to see that vacancy in my eyes or feel so hollow again.

I couldn’t go to that concert though. I’d learned just what my limits were, and knew that going would be more than I could take. Ace was a little disappointed when I told him, but he said he understood. I knew he did, I just wished he didn’t have to. I couldn’t wait to see him.

Just six days.

I sent the interns out with more posters and fliers to hang up and hand out all over the city.

Five days.

The guys played a show in Michigan.

Four days.

I called all of our regular clients who’d showed interest in the artists we were featuring, or similar work, to remind them and offer them a VIP first look, giving them opportunity to see the work an hour before the public was allowed in.

Three days.

The guys played a show in Pennsylvania.

Two days.

I posted all over the websites to draw in last minute attendees.

One day.

The showing went exceptionally well. We had an amazing turnout and my bosses were impressed with my hard work and commitment and mentioned a raise before the night was over. Another benefit of throwing myself so fully into work.

Saturday night; the night of the concert, was here and while everyone else was on their way to Mansfield, I was locked up tight in my house with a stack of Resident Evil movies to keep me company. There wasn’t anything romantic about Alice laying waste to hordes of the undead. Nothing about watching the infected take bullets to the brain would make me think of the boy who would have my heart up on that stage with him while he made fifteen thousand other people fall in love with him as well.

I couldn’t completely keep him off my mind though because tomorrow he wouldn’t just be back in Massachusetts, he’d be back in Boston. Two months and the thought of occupying the same space as him again had me wanting to pack a bag and run back to Portland. I was scared. Not of him being cruel or of wanting him more when I saw him, that wasn’t it. The morning they’d left, right before he disappeared into the back of the van, I saw in his eyes that he still cared. Not enough, but it was something. I was scared, no terrified, that when I looked into his eyes now, I wouldn’t see it anymore, that it would be completely gone. Yet one look into mine and he would see that two months had done nothing to erase the longing from eyes.

Maybe I would get lucky and the zombie apocalypse would come before that happened. With my luck, if the zombie apocalypse did ensue, I’d end up in a doomsday bunker with him and Kaylie. I’d probably let the zombies have my brains rather than endure that. Then I would come back and eat Kaylie’s brains.

It wasn’t at all surprising that I dreamed of zombies when I fell asleep on my couch. I was in the middle of plowing through a pack of them in my car, when my dream was interrupted.

“Wake up baby girl.” I opened my eyes to see Ace and Spade grinning down at me. I was instantly wide awake and launching myself up and into Ace’s arms.

“What are you guys doing here? You said you couldn’t come home until tomorrow.” I squeezed my arms around his neck.

“Wanted to surprise ya Rain- Hey, it’s not rainbow anymore,” Spade commented on my hair. I hadn’t felt very bright and colorful lately so I’d dyed it all a deep purple with dark blue tips.

“I wanted something new,” I told him. He nodded in understanding and I moved into his waiting arms.

“Okay if we crash with you tonight?” Ace asked while I raked my eyes over their appearances, taking in the changes. Ace had chopped off his ponytail and now his hair fell in waves around his face that didn’t quite reach his shoulders. He was also sporting a good amount of scruff on his pretty face. Spade’s hair was cropped close to his head except for the purple fauxhawk he was rocking. They both looked good.

“Of course you guys can stay. I can’t believe you’re back. I missed you both so much,” I exclaimed.

“Good because I am so tired I think I might sleep right through this whole break,” Spade professed before throwing me over his shoulder and packing me up the stairs to my bedroom. Ace was right on his heels. He tossed me down on the bed and they both collapsed on either side of me still in their clothes.

“Ummm. I have a spare bedroom now guys,” I tried to tell them.

“Don’t care Rainbow. Go to sleep.” Spade yawned and Ace just grunted his response. They weren’t going anywhere and I was too thrilled that they were back to bother kicking them out even though it was a tiny bit awkward to be sharing a bed with the two of them.

The next morning when I woke up they were both still out cold. I wiggled myself from between them and then I may have moved down the stairs and into the kitchen in a way that looked a lot like skipping or prancing. My lighthearted mood carried on while I prepared breakfast. Thankfully no one was around to witness the embarrassing dance I was doing while I stood at the stove. Or at least I thought nobody was watching.

“Looking good Tink. What’s for breakfast?” Chris was standing in the doorway of the kitchen with a teasing grin on his face. I was too happy to see him to care that he saw me dancing around the kitchen like a fool in my sleep shorts and batman slippers. I put down the spatula I was wielding and attacked him the same way I had the guys last night.

“Not that I mind, but how do you guys keep getting into my house?”

“I think they got Bas’ key from him last night, and I used Dad’s just now.”

That made sense, and they all had my alarm code. Spade and Ace came down just as I was pulling the last of the French toast off the griddle. Chris was already piling a plate high with bacon, eggs and the first slices of French toast. The two of them didn’t hesitate to grab plates and start loading them. I snatched a piece of bacon out of the pan before they took it all.

Over breakfast I listened to more stories from the road. I wasn’t surprised in the least by their shenanigans and the trouble they’d caused over the last two months. I sat back and watched them talk about everything they saw and experienced. It became more obvious than ever that it was the life they were meant for. Touring, seeing different places, playing sold out shows, crowds of adoring fans; all of it was clearly a dream realized for them. I was so excited, but at the same time I saw everything changing. They weren’t just my guys anymore, they belonged to those screaming fans now too, and pretty soon they would belong to the rest of the word as well.

After breakfast they were eager to get back to their own house, but not before we made plans to go out the next night in celebration of their short homecoming and the success of the tour so far. I couldn’t hide my nerves about seeing Kyden and they picked up on it. Spade shifted uncomfortably and Ace looked at my sympathetically, but it was Chris who broke the news that should have been a relief, but wasn’t, at all.

“He didn’t come back Tink.”

I tried not to react, to act like I didn’t care one way or the other, but I was pretty sure I failed miserably. “Oh.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the reason. Had he met someone else, was he spending the break with her? Was he holed up somewhere with Kaylie? Did he just not want to see me? There wasn’t a single scenario that I could come up with that didn’t make it difficult to breathe. The panic must have been visible on my face.

“He got real tight with Max, the drummer from Expelling Shadows. He flew to Phoenix with him and the rest of those guys after the show last night,” Chris informed me and then added, “as far as I know, he hasn’t been with anyone else.”

“Yeah baby girl. He acted like recluse most of the time, just going back and forth from the bus to the hotel to the show. He only showed up to a few of the after parties and most of the time he bailed early. Max wasn’t big on the partying either, I think that’s why they hit it off,” Ace explained and I was relieved. I didn’t even care if they were only saying it to make me feel better. I didn’t care if it wasn’t really true. I needed to believe it was.

Knowing Kyden wasn’t going to be at the dinner helped me to relax while I got ready that evening. I looked forward to being out with everyone without the anxiety. The disappointment remained though, just under the surface. No matter how much I tried to convince myself that I was better off not seeing him, that I hadn’t even wanted to see him, I couldn’t make it disappear.

While we were at the restaurant our night out turned into a celebration of another sort. I had noticed Bas seemed nervous, which was unusual, and then I saw that his hand kept going to his pocket and his eyes hardly left Lissa. That’s when I realized what was coming.

He did me proud too, set the bar for every guy in the place who had a girlfriend watching it play out. Lissa’s yes was immediate and tearful. The cheers from our table were heard all through the restaurant, and others nearby our table, who witnessed the moment, joined in.

I didn’t know it was possible to be so happy and so utterly devastated at the same time, but I was. My heart was ready to explode with joy, but at the same time it felt like it was going to shrivel up and wither away. I wasn’t jealous, not even a little bit. I wanted this for them almost more than anything. Bas was everything to me, and Lissa was quickly becoming like a sister.

It wasn’t jealousy that coursed through my body, but longing. Almost any girl who finds herself in a relationship with a guy she’s deeply in love with can’t help but imagine a moment like this at some point. When he drops down on one knee and asks you to be forever his. Kyden and I never got even remotely close to that, but it doesn’t mean that I never pictured it for a brief second; the ring, the dress, the friends that would be there, the life we would have, children; all of it, like a short movie reel. Unfortunately ours was the script that never progressed past the opening scene. Bas and Lissa though, they were the forever that gave me hope amidst the heartache. I hugged and congratulated them both.

We went from the restaurant to a club and I danced and laughed and celebrated with the group all night, not once revealing that I was anything but overjoyed. Everyone joked and took bets on whether Chris or I would be the best man. Lissa told Bas he was stuck with his brother because she was making me a bridesmaid. He tried to offer her a trade, saying she could put Spade in a dress instead, but she didn’t go for it. I think Spade might have been a little offended that she didn’t.

“Hey I’d look damn sexy in a dress. You’d be lucky to have me as a bridesmaid.” He was dead serious and I had a hard time keeping a straight face.

“Yeah, yeah we know, but think of all the chicks you’ll get in a tux,” Ace reminded him.

“Sorry Bas. Jax gets to wear the dress. I can’t deny the ladies the sight of me looking all James Bond.” I rolled my eyes. Sad truth was, any of these guys in a tux would scramble the brains of even the most sensible females. They should come with a warning. Probably wouldn’t even make a difference.

I was dragged back out on the dance floor several times by each of the guys. When it was Bas’ turn, I realized that maybe he wasn’t as fooled by my act as I thought.

“Jazz, this is gonna be you someday. You’re not always going to hurt, and if Ky doesn’t realize his mistake, there will be someone else who won’t make the same one.”

I didn’t respond, not sure whether it was because I didn’t want to or couldn’t without tearing up. I just danced with my best friend. The moment was broken when Spade came up from behind and started grinding on me.

The night ended at two o’clock in the morning when Vi dropped me off at home. I pushed through my front door, closed it behind me and slid down to the floor. Deep, wrenching sobs ripped from my chest and poured out of me.

God I don’t see a way for Bas’ words to ever be true. I can’t imagine loving anyone else this much. I don’t want forever with anyone but him. I know I shouldn’t still want him and miss him, but I do. He got inside me and I can’t get him out no matter how hard I try.

Then I prayed it wouldn’t always be that way. I prayed until there were no words left, only the pain in my heart, but I was sure it was screaming loud enough for Him to hear, even without words.

Chapter 39

The next seven days disappeared in a flash, and much too soon Bas and I were dropping Chris, Ace and Spade at the airport. They had a flight to Phoenix to catch. They were spending the last day of their break with the guys there. This time it would be over three months before they were back home. They were going straight from the west coast tour over to Europe so they could spend time overseas sightseeing before the tour picked up again in Spain. Somehow I managed to say goodbye without all the tears.

I was giving them all one last hug just outside the security gate when Ace pulled me aside. “Come to Europe with us for the new year.”

“What?” I was too stunned to say anything else.

“Just think about it. You’ve got to have vacation time or something.”

“You mean like spend your guys’ break over there with you?”

“Yeah. Come with us, we’ll go do all that touristy shit; Eifel Tower, The Louvre, Big Ben, whatever you want. It would be good for you, and I want you there. We all want you there.”

I smelled a pity invite. “Look I appreciate the offer, but really I’ll be fine here. You don’t have to do this, and we both know not everyone wants me there.”

“I know I don’t have to invite you, but I want to. The three of us already talked about it and we think it would be good for both of you. Contrary to what you think he does or doesn’t feel, I meant it when I said all of us want you there, even if he won‘t admit it,” he insisted. “If he doesn’t come to his senses and being around him is really a problem for you, we’ll take off and do our own thing.” So it wasn’t pity, not entirely, but definitely a set up.

“I know you guys mean well, but things aren’t going to change between Ky and me. It’s over. It was over before it even started. I’m trying to move on. You might think we belong together, but if I love him and still know we aren’t right for each other, you should accept it too,” I countered. I could tell he wanted to argue it more but he was out of time. His flight was about to board. He pulled me into him and promised to call every night again, before following Chris and Spade through the security check.

They went back to the life of a different city every night and I went back to trying to find something that made me feel as alive as I had over the summer. Looking back on it, I could see the differences in myself from the first time I met him, all of them. I came home to Boston so unsure of myself and lost. They accepted me into their misfit family just like that. I had no idea what I was looking for, but they were it. Every last one of them, with their foul mouths, quick tempers and crude humor. They were the best group of guys I had ever met and they made me feel safe and loved. They gave me a place to belong.

Then there was Kyden. Oh that boy pushed my buttons from day one. He turned me inside out and upside down, but he also ignited this fire inside of me. Even when we were arguing and I wanted to push him into traffic, I felt it. Fighting with him helped me to find my fight again. I remembered who I wanted to be and I think I got closer to being that girl. Strong, confident, patient, kind, forgiving; all the things my mother taught me to be.

It was hard to let him go, excruciatingly so, but it was just as hard, if not harder, to feel all that slipping away. I was going through the motions of my life, letting the loss of one thing, one guy, keep me from living my life to the fullest.

I loved a boy, the wrong boy. I fell hard and fast, and it was okay. Ignoring how much I hurt wouldn’t make it go away, but accepting it, that might be a start. Loving someone was never a mistake, I needed to acknowledge that. I didn’t regret it. I wasn’t sorry that I loved him and I wouldn’t take it back.

The boy I loved didn’t love me back because he didn’t know how. He broke my heart and then he left, but that was okay too. I didn’t feel okay. I wasn’t even in the same hemisphere as okay, but on the other side of it all, I would be. At least I hoped I would be. I couldn’t see what that would look like. I couldn’t picture a day that I wouldn’t still love him and want him this badly, but I had just enough faith to believe that I wasn’t meant to hurt forever. Until then I was going to go after all the other things I wanted. I was going to be the girl I wanted to be. I didn’t need a guy for that.

I was going to be the best friend I could. I would make sure Izzy knew how much I adored her every chance I got. In Portland I’d enjoyed my self-defense and kickboxing classes. I took care of my body and I found strength and confidence in that, and I was determined to get that back. It might do nothing to make me love Kyden less, but it would do everything to make me love myself more.

As soon as I got home from the airport, I started by enrolling in a krav maga class in the city. I signed Vi up too. I informed her over text, but followed the information with an invitation to help me find a Halloween costume, so she probably didn’t even notice the bit about the class.

Halloween was only a few days away and after I’d picked out my costume, a fairy princess, I arranged to go trick-or-treating with Lucy, Shane and Izzy. It was a lot of fun. Izzy was Ariel from The Little Mermaid and she made both of her parents dress up as pirates.

I was wrong about Vi not noticing the part about signing her up for krav maga though. She noticed, and she only agreed to it on the condition that after trick-or-treating, I go to the Halloween party at her sorority’s “brother” fraternity, which ended up being more enjoyable than I thought it would. I even managed to get Vi excited about our first krav maga class by telling her she would be able to take out the girls who were eyeing Jake. She was on board after that.

I hadn’t been inside a gym in six months and it took a little bit of time to re-familiarize my body with the different positions and movements. During the first class we spent a lot of time working through the proper movements. It felt a little awkward initially, but after a few minutes of moving forward and back and then the same thing from side to side, I relaxed and my body started responding more naturally.

“That looks really good. Just pick up your back heel and relax your shoulders a little more,” Drew instructed me. He and the female instructor were going around the room checking stances as we were introduced to the basics. I listened to his directions and adjusted my body. “Yeah, like that. Okay now bring your hands up a little higher. You want them six to eight inches in front of your face.” Once again I listened and raised my hands up. “Yep, just like that. You definitely want to protect that pretty face.” He winked and then moved on to the next student once he was satisfied that I had the fighting stance down.

“He was totally checking you out,” Vi giggled from behind me. “He’s really cute too.”

I didn’t even acknowledge her. I kept my eyes up front on the head instructor, James, as he started demonstrating some basic punches. There were about twenty people in the class, pretty diverse in age, but the majority were male. Besides the two of us, I only counted four other girls.

After James showed us the basic striking and blocking techniques, he had us partner up and grab a set of padded mitts so we could alternate practicing punches. I paired with Vi and went first, throwing the jab cross combos we had been working on.

“You’re picking this up really fast. You’ve got the form and breathing down great. Have you had previous classes?” Drew asked when he came back around.

“I lived in Portland, Oregon for a while, and when I was there I took a basic self-defense class. After that I did beginners kickboxing, then an intermediate course. Right before I moved back here I had just started taking krav maga, but I only made it to two classes.”

“Ah, that explains why you’re picking it up so fast.”

Just then James called for a five minute water break before we switched. Drew followed us over to our bags where our water bottles were stashed, but Vi grabbed hers and went to introduce herself to a couple of the other girls in the class, leaving me standing there with Drew.

Vi was right, he was cute, really cute. He looked about six foot or just under, pretty well muscled with blonde hair, cropped close to his head, clean shaven face and pretty blue eyes. He had a nice smile that probably would have made my stomach flutter if all my stomach flutters didn’t belong to someone else.

“So are you into it for the workout or the self-defense?” He asked.

“Both, mostly the self-defense though. Girl in the city, safety and all that,” I answered, not sure if he was flirting or just being friendly.

“Yeah that’s smart. Everyone, girls especially, should know how to handle themselves. There are a lot of sick people out there.” I wasn’t about to tell him that I didn’t need to be reminded of that. I knew first hand.

When the break was over Vi and I resumed our positions out on the mat. Drew continued to weave his way through the room, but found his way back to my spot several times.

“Sooo, Drew seemed really nice,” Vi said as we tossed our gym bags into the back of her car.

“Yes he did, but please don’t go there. I’m not ready to start talking about guys again, or even think about dating so just drop it,” I told her.

“Kay. Got it. Consider sexy fighter boy dropped,” she grumbled and climbed in to the driver’s seat.

“Vi, I’m sorry. It’s just not something I can think about yet. It still hurts, but when I am ready, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.” I just hoped she wasn’t expecting it to be any time soon.

Classes were every Tuesday and Thursday at six. After the first week Vi texted, calling me all kinds of colorful names for convincing her to agree to be tortured. I was feeling it in just about every muscle too. The second week was pretty rough as well. The instructors pushed us hard and we moved along at a quick pace. By the third week I wasn’t as sore when I got home and Vi didn’t text me any nasty messages.

Once my body finally quit screaming and got used to the level of workout, I felt strong. Not only that, but it was an outlet for everything still eating at me; missing my friends, the petty jealousy every time a picture of Kaylie and Kyden popped up online, my frustration that Connor was still out there, my anger and confusion toward my father. I still hadn’t resolved that mess of emotions. Those two nights a week I let it all out; it was freeing.

I’m not quite sure when exactly it happened, but eventually I didn’t have to pretend quite so hard to be holding it together because I actually was. The sharp pain in my chest faded to a dull ache, and I didn’t have a breakdown every time I thought of him. I actually felt good, or as close to it as I had known in months.

Vi continued to go with me to krav maga, mostly for moral support. She was a little too pampered to enjoy sweating like that. Her version of exercise was extreme shopping, but she didn’t complain. Much.

“Hey, at least on Black Friday if anyone tries to keep me from the deals I want, I’ll be able to take them out,” Vi joked when we left our Tuesday class just before Thanksgiving.

At least I thought she had been joking, but when she picked me up from dinner at Bas’ dad’s on Thursday night and dragged me to every store within fifteen miles that was offering any sort of deal, I saw just how serious it was. Black Friday shoppers are insane, and I made a mental note to refuse to go next year. I crawled into bed Friday morning at ten and I was more exhausted than I had ever been after a kickboxing or krav maga class. I’d been pushed and shoved more than in any class as well. I was sure I’d have the bruises to show for it. At least I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping.

It was a good thing too, because December was packed with showings and gallery events. I worked a lot of overtime so that I could take a couple weeks off when Sadie came on the twentieth, which was only days away.

Ace was still trying to convince me to hit up Europe with them for the New Year, and I was still firmly against it. That didn’t stop the torrent of picture messages that came from him. Every day it was the Eifel Tower, Notre Dame, The Coliseum, Sistine Chapel, Palace of Versailles or any one of the other major landmarks or tourist attractions. He was wearing me down too. I really wanted to see all those places, and I knew Europe with those guys would definitely be an adventure, but Kyden was still a hang up for me.

Ace was persistent though, and the closer it got, the harder he tried to change my mind. I was walking out of my last krav maga class before Christmas. The ground was coated with a few inches of snow and I was in a hurry to get into my car and out of the freezing cold. I was still running off the adrenaline from class and I was excited to pick Sadie up from the airport in the morning. Vi was already in Maine at her grandparents, so I was on my own, but everyone from the class walked out to the parking lot together.

I was just putting my keys in the door when my phone went off with a picture message. I grinned and slid into the seat, wondering what Ace had sent this time. When I pulled my phone out and checked the message, I realized he hadn’t sent a picture but a video. It was probably of someone running naked through the Trevi Fountain, for some reason he, Spade and Chris thought that was a necessary part of experiencing Europe.

I hit play and my heart stopped. It wasn’t a video of anyone running naked through anywhere. It was taken through a partially closed door. Kyden was sitting with his back to whoever was recording, I assumed it was Ace, and I was also betting Kyden didn’t know he was there. He had his guitar in his hands and was playing a song I didn’t recognize. When he started singing, it became difficult to breathe.

Hey little girl

With the ribbons in your hair

Your head full of fairytale dreams

That the world tried to take

I see the tears you cry

Clinging for dear life

To the memory of angel who went too soon

Left you all alone in the dark

With nothing but the sound of your breaking heart

Hey sweet girl

With the eyes that look like his

Your hopes crashing down

Needing the love he won’t give

I see the tears you cry

You can’t understand why

You try so hard but it’s never enough

He left you all alone in the dark

With nothing but the sound of your breaking heart

Hey pretty girl

With the heart so afraid

You lie trembling on the ground

Your head screaming in vain

I see the tears you cry

Praying in to the night

While your soul bleeds out through the cuts he makes

Dragging you all alone into the dark

With nothing but the sound of your breaking heart

Hey broken girl

With the love so strong

It brings me to my knees

While you’re begging me not to leave

I see the tears you cry

For the truth I keep locked inside

The words I won’t say

I left you all alone in the dark

With nothing but the sound of your breaking heart

I want to take you in my arms and hold you tight

I’ll chase away the terrors that haunt you in the darkest parts of night

I’ll watch over you and keep you safe kissing all your fears away

I’ll wipe the tears from your eyes and make you feel the things that I can’t say

I’ll show you the truth that you can’t see

There will never be anyone else because you own every piece of me

Hey perfect girl

Ripped apart and shattered inside

Still fighting for those fairytale dreams

You’re so much more than the scars you hide

I see the tears you cry

I wasn’t strong enough to try

I left you all alone even though I wanted to be

The one to bring you out of the dark

If only I could show you how you’ve healed my broken heart

My heart was racing; I thought it was going to burst right out of my chest. There was no show, no seduction; I couldn’t even see his face, but that performance reached me on a level none of the others had ever come close to touching, because the words he sang were for me, only me. They ripped me open, exposing every broken part of me and then pieced it back together; they healed me.

I wondered if I had hit my head in class and was now lying unconscious on the floor in the gym dreaming, because there was no way it could be real, but then I hit play again. And again. It was real. Tears streamed down my face as I watched and listened over and over gripping the phone like it was my lifeline.

I was so captivated by video that I didn’t think to lock my doors. That was a mistake. I was on the third play through of the song when my door was ripped open. One second I was looking at Kyden on the screen singing a song he wrote for me, and the next I was on the pavement looking up into cold, menacing eyes.

“Did you miss me sweetheart?”

Chapter 40

The sound of Connor’s voice sent ice straight through my veins. I tried to scream, but his hand was around my throat before I could make a sound. He straddled my waist, and with his free hand he grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them above my head. The snow on the ground soaked through my clothes, but I didn’t feel it. All I felt was sheer terror.

I was reliving my worst nightmare. My eyes darted in every direction as I tried to jerk free of his grasp. There was nobody around to help me; the parking lot had emptied while I had sat in my car watching the video on replay.

My lungs were burning, screaming for air. My vision started to blur from the lack of oxygen and the hot tears that were filling up my eyes. I panicked and struggled harder to roll him off of me, but it was no use. His weight was too much and I was trapped. All I succeeded in doing was digging the gravel further into my back.

Just before I lost consciousness he finally released his grip around my neck and I sucked in a deep, painful breathe trying to pull as much oxygen as I could into my tortured lungs, but he quickly covered my mouth with his hand. He brought his face down to mine and grinned wickedly. He buried his nose into the crook of my neck and inhaled, then he pressed a trail of rough kisses up my throat to my ear.

“You’re going to pay for sending Daddy after me. You’re mine, and not even he is going to keep me from you.” I tried to turn my head away from him, but he just laughed and held it in place. His hand was still muffling my screams and I was choking on my cries. The more I tried to fight him the more he got off on it. I could feel his hardness pressing into to my belly. Bile rose in my throat. I couldn’t believe it was happening again. I had to stop him.

I tried to calm down, to clear my head so I could find a way out of this. Escaping would depend on being able to focus and wait for the perfect moment to make a move. I stopped struggling. I let him think I was defeated. I’d practiced this a thousand times in my different classes. I inhaled deep breaths through my nose and readied myself. He would make a mistake, give me an opening and I would have my chance.

It came when he went to pull me to my feet. He kept the one hand tight over my mouth but lost some of his grip on my wrists in his effort to bring us both up. As soon as I was standing I was able to yank one arm free and I immediately thrust the base of my palm up into his nose. He was caught off guard and shrieked in pain. His head snapped backward and he lost his hold on my other arm and my mouth.

I reached both my hands up and gripped his bicep with one, and the base of his neck with the other, digging my hands into his skin for purchase. His eyes lit with fury and he tried to charge me, but I had my forearm pressed into his windpipe and I was able to pull him down using his momentum against him as I thrust my knee upward into his gut as hard as I could.

He dropped and I turned and ran with everything I had, but the ground was slick and I wasn’t fast enough. I was trying to catch my breath so I could finally get out a scream but something slammed into me from behind and I crashed onto the pavement. My head struck the cement before I could break my fall and everything went fuzzy. The pain was almost enough to make me pass out. I could feel his weight on my back, but the fog that was clouding my mind made it impossible for me to focus. I felt him yanking me up again, but this time I didn’t do anything to stop him, I couldn’t. It was taking everything I had just to stay conscious. If I blacked out, it was over.

He had one arm wrapped around my head, covering my mouth again, and one pinning my arms to my side. He started dragging me back into the parking lot, but not toward my car. He must’ve had a vehicle waiting. I knew I couldn’t let him get me into a vehicle. I had to get away now or I never would. I waited until we stopped moving, we had to be at his car. Before he could turn and get a door open I slammed my head back with as much force as I could muster and felt the crunch of his nose again. He yelled and stumbled backward. I slipped in the snow, and in my attempt to get away from him I fell forward, my knees and palms slammed into the ground.

My head was still throbbing and I could feel my body about to give in to the pain. I tried to get to my feet but I was dizzy and slipped again. I started to crawl, but then his hand wrapped around my hair and he yanked me back. I was finally able to get enough air into my lungs to force a scream from my throat as he drug me backwards through the snow by my ponytail. I tried to get my feet underneath me, but continued to slip in the snow. He stopped again and jerked my head roughly to the side sending me to my knees.

He stepped around to face me. “Stupid bitch.” His fist came down hard on my face. I was knocked backward and my head struck something behind me. His car?

I slid the rest of the way to the ground. I was on my back looking up at him while black spots danced through my vision. Blood ran down his face and there was so much hatred in his eyes as he glared down at me. I knew I was going to suffer for breaking his nose. I tried to scramble away from him, but he lowered himself onto me and I was trapped again. I reached my hand out for anything to use as a weapon as his weight crushed me. I felt something hard and cold, roughly the size of my fist. A rock.

He tried to pin my arms, but before he could, I brought the rock up and smashed it into the side of his head. It was enough to knock him off me. I started to rise so I could run again, but my body was in so much pain that it wouldn’t move as quickly as I was telling it to. Halfway up a sharp, searing pain ripped through my side, followed by a second one in my abdomen. I felt something warm spreading over my stomach. I got out one final scream before my body slid to the ground.

“Looks like I’m going to have to say goodbye a little earlier than planned. That’s too bad, I really wanted to play with you first.” He hovered above me on all fours, hands and knees on either side of my body, and he smiled down at me. His face inched closer and all I could do was watch in agony as he pressed his lips to mine and forced his tongue into my mouth. Everything about the kiss was wrong. His lips were nothing like Kyden’s.

Kyden.

I was going to die without ever getting to tell him how much I still loved him. That sent a whole different kind of pain tearing through me.

At the end it’s not the things you did with your life that you regret, at least it wasn’t for me. It was all the things I’d left undone. Unsaid. I felt the chill creep into my bones as I laid there on the cold, wet cement while all of the life drained out of me and Connor disappeared. Somewhere I thought I heard my phone ringing and then everything went black.

Chapter 41

My entire body ached like I’d been tossed into the cage with an MMA champ. I didn’t know where I was. I tried to remember anything, but my mind was so groggy that it was like trying to wade through peanut butter. There was a heaviness pressing down on me, I couldn’t open my eyes or move. I thought I felt pressure on my right hand, like someone was holding it, but when I tried to turn my head, my entire body protested and I let out a groan, then winced at the pain in my throat. I thought I heard voices around me and the pressure on my hand increased, but before I could make anything out, sleep washed over me.

The next time I woke up, the pain was still there, but I didn’t feel so weighted down. I still couldn’t open my eyes and frustration coursed through me. I wanted to scream or throw something, but I couldn’t even manage to blink. I did succeed in letting out a noise that was half whimper, half groan.

“Princess?”

Everything inside of me responded to that sound. I knew that voice. My heart sped up in recognition. It sounded too far away though, I couldn’t get to him. I wanted so badly to open my eyes and find him. It was all coming back to me, the song, the attack, bleeding out in the snow.

The memory of facing down Connor in the parking lot sent a wave of terror radiating through my body. I needed to get up, I had to open my eyes so I could get away. My heart was racing and all I knew was the fear that Connor was going to kill me.

“What’s happening to her? What are you giving her?” There was that rich, soothing voice again, pulling at my soul like a magnet. Then I heard another voice, soft, female, and unfamiliar to me.

“It’s just a sedative to calm her down until she’s ready to wake up.”

He said something else to her, but he was getting farther away from me, I tried to hang on to his voice, it was my life raft in the middle of a hurricane, but it slipped away. The darkness dragged me back down.

The first thing I noticed, when I finally came to, was the fluorescent lighting and then a steady beeping sound coming from somewhere close by. I was in a bed, a hospital bed. There were needles in my arms hooked up to different tubes. Things were still a little hazy, which is why it took me a second to realize that the pressure and warmth I felt against the side of my body was someone’s head.

Kyden.

I hadn’t dreamt him, he was really here. I tried to sit up, but gasped at the pain in my abdomen and collapsed back down on the bed. Either the movement or my cry woke him because his head shot up and he blinked a couple times, like he was afraid what he was seeing wasn’t real.

“You’re awake.” His voice was soft and almost reverent. I tried to speak but my throat protested and it came out a harsh croaking sound. “Don’t try to talk. The doctor said it will hurt for a while, the bruising was pretty bad.”

My fingers moved up to my neck and I remembered the feel of Connors hands there, choking me. I shuddered at the memory.

“It’s okay. You’re safe now.” He reached up and pulled my hand away, taking it in his. With his other hand he reached over to the stand beside my bed and grabbed a glass of water with a straw. “Here, just take a small sip.” He held it up to my mouth so I could drink. The cool liquid soothed some of the burn, but swallowing was difficult.

“I need to go tell the nurse you’re awake, but I’ll be right back.” I didn’t want him to leave me, my hand started trembling with fear and I squeezed his tighter. I knew I was being irrational and he needed to get the nurse, but I didn’t want him to let go of me. “I promise I’ll be right back. I’m not going anywhere.” I finally released my grip on his hand and nodded.

Just like he promised he returned less than a minute later, followed by a nurse and a man who I recognized as the same doctor who’d operated on Shane. “It’s good to see you awake Jaxyn. I imagine you’re still in a quite a bit of pain.” I just nodded again. They stayed about ten minutes checking and poking various things, they explained what they were doing, but I didn’t pay much attention.

My eyes never left Kyden’s as he stood across the room watching me, while the doctor told me I would have to stay another few days to make sure everything healed without infection. I didn’t care how long I had to stay as long as Ky stayed with me. It still felt unreal that he was here, but I wasn’t going to question it.

When they finally left us alone again, after upping my pain meds and telling me to talk as little as possible, Kyden took his seat at my side again.

“What happened?” I managed a whisper. “I remember Connor stabbed me and then that’s it.”

He grabbed my hand again and pressed his lips to the back of it. “A couple of guys, I think you know them, James and Drew, they said they were instructors in your krav maga class, found you in the parking lot. They were walking past to get to their cars out on the street, but they heard a phone ringing and didn’t see anyone so they went to check it out. That’s when they saw you lying on the ground. You had been stabbed twice and left there,” he faltered.

“Connor was already gone, but thankfully you hadn’t been lying there very long. James put pressure on your wounds which slowed the bleeding while they waited for an ambulance.” My eyes stung and I blinked back the tears trying to escape at how close I had come to dying.

“Hey, hey. It’s alright.” He brought his hand up to cup my face, rubbing his thumb gently over my cheek. “Everything is okay now. You’re safe and he’ll never touch you again. He’s gone.”

“Gone?”

“Yes. Your dad was here yesterday. He found him. Connor’s not coming back Princess. I promise.” I couldn’t contain the relief that washed over me, it was overwhelming. The tears I had been holding back spilled onto my face. He wiped them away with his thumb, but they kept coming. Kyden’s lips brushed over my cheeks, following the trail of tears until they ceased. I was having difficulty breathing but for an entirely different reason. I never thought I would feel the caress of his lips again. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but I had to ask the question that had been on my mind since I woke up and found him at my side.

“What are you doing here Ky?”

For a moment he didn’t respond, his forehead remained pressed against mine and I thought maybe he wasn’t going to answer me. Then he pulled away and I could see the pained expression on his face.

“Ace was trying to call you that night, but you didn’t answer. He thought you were upset about something he sent you, so he kept calling. Finally Drew answered.” He paused for a moment, his breathing ragged and his eyes watery. “When Ace told me you were hurt . . . I’ve never felt so scared in my entire life.” He squeezed his eyes shut but I could still see the moisture leaking out. “I thought I was losing you,” he choked out. I ignored the pain in my stomach and leaned forward to bring my face to his and I pressed a kiss just under each eye, I could taste the salt of his tears on his skin. He brought his arms around me and gently pressed my body into his.

I rested my head in the crook of his neck while he placed soft kisses in my hair. He started to release me but I tightened my hold on him. “Please just lay here with me.”

He pressed one more kiss to my forehead and then climbed up on the bed beside me. I scooted over to make room for him and then he gently tucked me into his side and I laid my head on his chest. The exhaustion swept over me quickly. I thought I heard him singing my song just before sleep fell over me again, but it could have just been in my head.

“I don’t think they’re allowed to do that.”

Spade?

“I’m not going to be the one to wake him up and tell him that, but if you want to then be my guest.”

Ace?

“Hey look, I think she’s waking up.”

I blinked my eyes a few times and felt a hard warmth beneath my head. I couldn’t stop the smile when I remembered that the hard warmth was Kyden. His arms were still cradling me against him. I would have completely forgotten about hearing the other voices and buried myself deeper in his embrace, but then someone cleared their throat.

“I think you two have had enough alone time, it’s our turn now baby girl.” I looked up to see Ace and everyone else grinning down at the two of us. Even Sadie was there. Before I could try to speak, I felt Kyden’s chest rumble beneath my head.

“Go away. I haven’t had nearly enough time with her. You jack asses can come back in a few days,” he growled.

“I don’t think so. You’ve been with her for the past five days straight, and you were supposed to call us the second she woke up. We still wouldn’t know if Chris’ dad hadn’t requested to be notified personally by her doctor. So who’s the jack ass now?”

Five days.

I didn’t know what was more shocking to hear, that I had been out for five days or that Kyden had stayed with me the entire time. I shifted in his arms so that I was resting on my back. Any movement still sent sharp pains through my stomach, but I didn’t care about anything except the arms around me and the people in the room.

“You don’t know how good it is to see you awake Jazz. We’ve all missed that smile so much.” It was so good to see him too, but Bas looked wrecked, liked he hadn’t slept in . . . five days. In fact looking around, there were a lot of red eyes and disheveled faces.

“Just so you know, I’m never letting you out of my sight again Jazz.”

“That goes for me too.” Ace declared.

“Same here. Sorry Ky but you better get used to having us around, because I don’t care if you two are getting it on, we’re not even taking the chance that she could bump her head against the headboard,” Spade joked. At least I hoped they were joking.

“In all seriousness Tink, this has been the scariest five days of all our lives. I’m glad you’re okay. We all love you so much.” My eyes watered as Chris’ admission.

“And you‘re not allowed to leave us until I say,” Bas continued. “So basically never Jazz.” I didn’t know how I had any tears left, but I did. I wasn’t the only one either. Vi’s cheeks were streaked with her own, and Sadie’s makeup was smeared all around her swollen eyes. I noticed that Ace was gently rubbing his hand down her back. I wondered what was going on with that. I raised an eyebrow at him and he just winked and smiled back. Just then there was a knock at the door and three more faces joined the crowd around my bed.

“I’ve got someone here who really wants to see you,” Shane spoke up and a squealing Izzy came running to the bed side. Kyden reached down and scooped her up into his lap. She wrapped her little arms around my neck and whispered in my ear.

“I’m so glad Santa heard my wish. All I wanted for Christmas was you to wake up. This is the best Christmas ever.” My eyes widened at her words and I pulled her in tighter.

“Yes it is,” Kyden agreed with her. “I know I didn’t wish for anything else either.” When they said five days I should have put it together, but I didn’t until just then.

“It’s Christmas? You guys shouldn’t be at the hospital, you need to be with your families. And you guys, you’re supposed to be on tour, are you going to get in trouble for being here?”

“Shut up Jax.” Leave it to Vi to be the blunt one. “We wouldn’t be anywhere else. You are family.” They all voiced similar sentiments and I had never felt so loved in all my life.

Every one of them stayed until the doctor came and kicked them out. Apparently they exceeded the number of visitors allowed at one time. He also admonished them for keeping me from my rest. You’d think having slept for five days would be rest enough, but not according to the doc.

Everyone filed out after a procession of careful hugs and kisses on my forehead. Then it was just the doctor and Kyden left. When he gave Kyden a pointed look, it was just returned with a fixed glare. The doctor just shook his head and left the room. I got the feeling it wasn’t the first time that had happened.

Even though the doctor told me I needed more sleep, I didn’t feel tired in the least. It may have had something to do with the person in the bed next to me. My body was buzzing at his closeness. I didn’t know if it was the energy humming through me, or the almost dying that made me brave, but I had to get it out. I didn’t ever want to regret not telling him how I felt. I was lying on my back and Kyden was on his side looking down at me.

“I missed you so much. I still can’t believe you’re here with me. It really is the most amazing Christmas. I never thought I would get to feel this again,” I confessed.

He looked at me, his eyes searching mine. Whatever he was looking for he must have found because then his face lowered slowly and his lips met mine in the sweetest, most tender kiss. It wasn’t forceful or demanding but it was every bit as passionate and powerful as his most searing kiss. There was nothing rushed about the moment. It was a slow caress that I felt all the way in my toes. Kissing him was like finally coming home after being away so long I thought I’d never see that place again.

“I’ve been thinking about that for four months now. Even better than I remembered,” he breathed out heavily.

“You really thought about me?” I asked timidly.

“Every second of every damn day. I was such an idiot to walk away and I regretted it before I even did it. You shouldn’t even be here. None of this would have happened if you had been with me, where you belonged, but I was such a blind asshole. I know I don’t have any right to ask for your forgiveness but I swear I’ll never run from you, from us again. I can’t lose you. I’ll do whatever it takes to earn your love again if you give me the chance.” He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath.

“I spent a six hour plane ride preparing what I would say if you made it, and now I’m completely screwing it up, but what it comes down to is that I love you.” I gasped at his admission. “I should have said it a long time ago, but I was a coward and I walked away because it was easier than fighting for you. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you and that terrified the hell out of me. I’ll never deserve you. I’ll never be good enough for you and I was so scared that you would see that and leave me, so I left first.” His voice was full of anguish and I just wanted to take it all away. I put my finger to his lips before he could say anything more. This wasn’t all his fault and he wasn’t the only who needed to apologize.

When he said he loved me I was surprised, but not because he said it. I was surprised because I already knew it. This whole time that I had been telling myself he could never love me as much as I did him, he already had. I could see it now. It was there all along, in every single touch, each kiss and look he gave me, just like my mom had said it would be. He wasn’t the only one that gave up and walked away instead of fighting.

The truth I had ignored was that night in his room, when he said I could still go with him on the tour, it really was a genuine offer. Deep down I had known it then, but I didn’t want to believe it. It was his way of telling me then, that he wanted me with him, that he wanted to keep fighting for us. He was trying to say everything I wanted so badly to hear, the only way he knew how, but I didn’t hear it, or didn’t want to hear it because I was also scared. Too scared to realize that he put everything on the line, laid himself out there, by asking me to go with him, and I rejected him. Not the other way around.

“You don’t have to earn anything, you already have it. I loved you then and I never stopped. I still love you and I’m so sorry too because you didn’t walk away. I let you go. I kept thinking that you couldn’t be who I wanted, that you couldn’t give me what I needed, but I was so stupid because you were already exactly who I wanted. You’re all I ever needed, just you. Always.”

“You mean that?” The uncertainty in his voice broke me open. This amazing, kind, beautiful man was so full of self-doubt, he truly couldn’t see that he was it for me. I understood that feeling; I knew it down in the deepest parts of myself, which is why I should have seen it in him all along. We were both so broken, convinced that we weren’t worthy of real love.

“Yes. Nobody has ever seen inside me the way you do, made me feel so alive and strong. As if I could take on the world, and at the same time so safe and protected; like I’d never have to do it alone.” After that there was nothing else for either of us to say so he did the one thing left, he kissed me. For the rest of my life I never wanted to know any kiss but his.

Epilogue

Kyden

One year later . . .

I needed to get Princess out of here. I didn’t know what I was thinking bringing her to my parents’, other than she had asked for this and I had a hard time denying her anything she really wanted. She had been begging me to meet them for a year. It was hard keeping her away and coming up with excuses why.

It wasn’t that I was worried they wouldn’t approve. I didn’t give a fuck what they thought. I sure as hell wasn’t embarrassed by Princess, even if she thought her dad and her past was something to be ashamed of. No, I wanted to shout from every stage in the world that she was mine. I still had a hard time believing that she saw anything redeemable in me, but then again she was so damn sweet and loving, so . . . good. She was also the strongest, bravest person I’d ever met. She’d survived so much, all I wanted to do was protect her.

That’s why I didn’t want my parents anywhere near her. They were cold and manipulative, everything she wasn’t, but I thought they would at least pretend to be civil during their Christmas party. I knew this had to happen if tomorrow was going to go the way I wanted.

I’d been waiting a year for the time to be right. I would have done it in the hospital the second she told me she still loved me, but that would have been too soon. Even though I knew then that there would never be anyone else for me, she’d needed to see that I wasn’t going anywhere. I had to show her that I could be there for her and wouldn’t break her trust again. I’d walked away once and almost lost her for good. I have so many regrets and things I wish I could do differently and that one is by far the greatest. I don’t think I would have survived if she hadn’t.

This last year wasn’t an easy one. I screwed up more than my share, but she didn’t give up on me. Somehow we made each other better, healed each other. I never thought I would love someone again after Elaina. I didn’t even believe in real love after that, but now I knew that I never loved Elaina. I’d never loved anyone until Princess. She showed me what love was.

I’d had the ring in my guitar case for six months now. I’d been tempted to pull it out and just get it over with every single time things started heating up between us and she put on the breaks because she wanted to wait for marriage. Yeah, it had been a long frustrating year, a lot of cold showers and long runs to relieve the tension, but I knew, without a doubt, that girl was worth it, and she deserved better than some half assed, horny proposal.

We were better for her making us wait. Our relationship was stronger and I was stronger. Every relationship I’d ever had was all about sex and it was hard to give that up, but if Princess could wait her whole life for me, save herself for me and only me, I could wait until I made her my wife.

I’d never given much thought to religion or faith before. My childhood wasn’t exactly one that garnered belief in anything pure and good, but since meeting Princess that was changing. She’d asked me to go to church with her a few times. I was very reluctant at first. I had no desire to be judged and condemned for the shit I’d done, but like I said, I couldn’t deny Jax anything that was important to her. It wasn’t what I thought it would be though and it was changing the way I thought about life and a lot of things. The one thing that I believed whole heartedly was that Jax was made for me, put on the earth to for me to find and that it wasn’t just chance that she came into my life and saved me.

She shared this verse with me one time, she’d intended for it to help me see myself the way she does, the way she tells me God does. I’m still a little unsure about Him and I can’t quote it like she can, but the line that stuck with me was that we are wonderfully and fearfully made. When I look at Princess, I know it’s true because there was no way she was some cosmic accident, and whoever made someone as amazing as her and thought to put her in my life, had to be good. So I would do this right, for both of us.

First, I had to rescue her from my mother. Who knows what she was saying to her. I could take a guess that I wouldn’t approve though. She hadn’t exactly been welcoming when I introduced Princess as my girlfriend. She found every excuse she could to separate us during the party, her and my father insisting I talk to this person or that. All of whom had daughter‘s or nieces with last names that were much more conducive to their aspirations for me. It seemed that not even signing with a major label and joining a worldwide tour could convince them that this wasn’t just a phase and I wouldn’t be following in my father’s footsteps.

I excused myself from the group of pretentious douche bags who were currently trying to kiss my ass, and went to find Princess so I could get out of here before I punched someone. I found her and my mother in the hall outside of the ballroom. I couldn’t hear what my mother was saying, but Princess’ face was considerably pale and there were tears brimming in her eyes. I clenched my fists and stalked toward them preparing to rip into my mother. Princess’ eyes caught mine and relief washed over her face. As I got closer I could hear my mother’s vicious words.

“. . . and if you think I’m going to let my son disgrace this family with cheap trash like you then you’re even more pathetic than you appear. We’re allowing him his little youthful rebellion so he can get it out of his system, but we’ve had about all we can tolerate and when his father and I put a stop to this you will be the first thing to go-”

“ENOUGH.” I was beyond pissed, but I couldn’t say I was surprised. My mother’s head snapped around and she had her usual sour expression.

“No. If anyone has had enough, it’s your father and I. We’ve sat by and let you have your little band, and screw all the groupie whores you wanted, but then you have the nerve to bring one of them into my home and embarrass us in front of our friends. I will not allow that.”

“That’s just fine because she won’t be coming back here.” My mother’s expression turned smug, she thought she had won. “But neither will I. I’m done with you, both of you.” I reached forward and grabbed Princess’ hand and brought her to my side. “The only embarrassment here is you mother and I won’t let you speak to the girl I love like that. We’re leaving. I wouldn’t have even come in the first place except she wanted to meet you, even though I warned her you were a cruel bitch, because unlike you she actually has class and grace. You’re right that I don’t belong with her because she’s way too good for me.” I turned and walked away, pulling Princess along with me, leaving my mother standing there speechless.

As soon as we were back in Princess’ living room I sat down on the couch and pulled her into my lap. “You know everything she said is bullsh-” I’d been trying not to swear as much, but it wasn’t easy. “You know it’s not true right?”

“I know Ky. It just wasn’t easy to hear her saying all the things that I’ve thought myself at one time or another.” I hated hearing that she’d ever felt that way, but I already knew she had. We’d both struggled a lot with our insecurities, but we’d also both come a long way from where we started.

“I know you don’t feel that way, and I don’t even think that way about myself anymore. I know you love me, and it doesn’t matter to me what your parents think. If they can’t even see how wonderful and talented and brilliant their own son is, then their opinion means nothing to me. It was just a weak moment and I let her get to me.” My mother was good at that, rooting out weakness and then striking

“I guess I’ll just have to remind you of how beautiful. Kind. Smart. Strong. And perfect I think you are.” I punctuated each one of those words with a kiss, starting on her jaw and working my way to her lips. Those lips. I let out a groan at how good they felt working against my own. Her hand gripped the hair at the back of my neck as I pulled her body in tighter. I slid my hands underneath her shirt and ran them up her back.

I knew the first time I looked down at the girl sprawled over my lap and saw the adorable mess of blue and pink hair and big silver eyes staring up at me that those lips were going to get me in trouble. It was still true. She crawled into my lap, both of her hands tangling in and tugging at my hair. Nothing felt as good as having her in my arms and I had to tear myself away from her and those lips. I ended up in her shower with the cold water on full blast, letting the icy spray cool me off. Yeah, those lips were definitely trouble.

When I got out of the shower she was still sitting on the couch, but she had a large boxed wrapped in snowman paper sitting next to her.

“What’s that?” I asked her. “You already gave me your gift.” It had really been two gifts. She had insisted one didn’t count as a present because it was for her too, but this morning when she had had shown me the freshly tattooed words she’d gotten scrolled across her wrist the day before, it was better than any gift I could have asked for. In sprawling black ink it’d read:

I am My Beloved’s

and My Beloved is Mine

Song of Solomon 6:3

“It’s another present, but I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it which is why I gave you the painting too.” The painting was amazing. She’d done it from a picture of the two of us at the base of the Eifel Tower this fall, when the band finally made it over there for a European tour. We actually just got back a couple weeks ago and were taking a break, except for the show here in Boston tomorrow.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll love it, but you really didn’t need to do so much.”

“Just open it before you say that. You might be pissed at me.” I was concerned that she thought whatever it was would make me mad at her, but once I had the paper off and I pulled the box open, I realized why she thought that. For a brief moment I was pissed, then I pushed the anger aside. I knew whatever her reasons were for this, they probably made sense to her. I was just confused what they were. I pulled the violin case out of the box and looked at her questioningly.

“Just hear me out before you smash it,” she pleaded. “That thing, that instrument, has had so much hold over you. I know it’s represented something terrible in the past, but I want to change that. You’re giving it – her – more power than she deserves. I want you to play for me. It will just be me and you, she’s not allowed in here with us.” She put her hand over my heart and took my hand that wasn’t holding the case and put it over hers.

“I want you to take this back from her, don’t let her have it.”

That’s why I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She knew exactly what I needed, and she risked me being upset with her to do what she thought was best for me, and she was right. I had been letting this thing, what happened with Elaina, haunt me for too long. I needed to be free of it so that I could give everything to the girl sitting in front of me, with apprehension in her silver eyes.

I didn’t say anything. I pulled my hand out of hers and popped open the case. I didn’t even have to think about it, my body and hands remembered exactly how to make the instrument sing. It was ingrained into me. After Elaina, I’d hated that, but not anymore. I loved this girl more than anything in the world, and so I played for her.

The next night I was nervous and almost out of my mind with excitement as I pleaded with Princess. “Please, just tonight, watch the show from backstage. For me.” I pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose, then on her mouth and gave her the biggest puppy dog eyes I could muster.

She always insisted on watching from the audience, she wanted the full experience, the same as everyone else got, but tonight I needed her back stage. Tonight was going to be special, the only reason we agreed to play a show the day after Christmas was because it was at home, and it was the perfect opportunity for me to do this. Everyone important in our lives would be here tonight. I even made sure that her brother Shane and his wife would be in the front row with the rest of the people she loved.

“That’s not fair, you know I can’t say no when you’re kissing me.”

I did know that, she often accused me of kissing her silly, and I was counting on it working tonight. “You don’t really want to say no though, do you?”

“No,” she sighed. “But everyone is here tonight, even Sadie. Why can’t I sit with them?”

“Because tonight I want my girl watching from back stage so that as soon as I’m done I can go back there and kiss her some more.” She seemed to accept my answer and agreed to stay backstage during the show.

When it was time for the last song of the set I grabbed the mic from the stand and the guys stopped playing. They knew what I had planned and aside from threatening me if I ever hurt her, they were just as excited as I was for this. They all loved her almost as much as I did.

“Did everyone have a good Christmas?” I knew the label was probably going to be pissed that I said Christmas, but this was for Princess and she was firmly of the ‘I’m going to say Christmas, to heck with political correctness’ mindset. Thankfully everybody cheered. “I had an amazing Christmas, but I’m hoping it’s about to get a little bit better.” I turned to face the back corner of the stage where I could see her face peeking out.

“Princess can you get out here please?” I watched her eyes get big and her mouth drop open as she just stood there frozen in place. “Princess get out here now or I’ll come back there and drag you out here myself.” The crowd chuckled and roared for her to come out on the stage. I didn’t think her eyes could get any wider, but they did. She stepped out onto the stage and the audience cheered. I couldn’t keep the stupid grin off my face as she nervously stepped up next to me. I turned so that I was looking right into her eyes and I took her hand in mine.

“Princess, since the moment I met you, my life hasn’t been the same. I know it hasn’t been easy, we’ve had a lot of struggles, but I also know that I am a better person because of you, that I want to be an even better person because of you. You were my friend when I didn’t make it easy for you to be. You were warm and kind when I was cold and cruel. You forgave me when I didn’t deserve it and you stayed with me when it would have been easier to walk away. I’ll never be able to show you how grateful I am for that, but I have one more thing to ask of you.” I reached into my pocket as I got down on one knee and I watched the tears build in her eyes. “Will you marry me Princess so we can make our own happily ever after?

“Yes!” She cried out and I swear my fucking heart soared. I thought it was going to burst right through my damn chest. I slid the ring on her finger and then stood, scooping her up into my arms and crashing my lips into hers. The audience went nuts.

“In case you didn’t hear her, she said yes,” I yelled out to the crowd when I finally set her back down, and they got even louder. I looked back into her eyes, with tears still pouring out of them. “I love you, forever.”

Her smile widened as she stared right back into my eyes. “I love you too. Forever.”

Table of Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Epilogue