Against All Odds

Copyright © 2014 by Angie McKeon

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Cover art by Regina Wamba/ Mae I design and photography.

Copyediting by Cassie Cox

Interior Design by Angela McLaurin, Fictional Formats

https://www.facebook.com/Fictionalformats

PROLOGUE

PART ONE

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

PART TWO

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

CHAPTER 17

CHAPTER 18

CHAPTER 19

CHAPTER 20

CHAPTER 21

CHAPTER 22

CHAPTER 23

CHAPTER 24

AGAINST THE GRAIN

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I’m so cold. It’s the kind of cold that seeps into my bones and makes me feel as though I’m going to die. My body trembles from the drugs and sheer terror coursing through my veins.

Why is this happening to me?

What did I do to deserve this?

Please, God! I can’ t handle it.

I open my mouth to scream, to cry, to do something, but nothing comes out. I’m aware of doctors and nurses surrounding me. They’ve placed Kayla on my chest. She’s still warm from being pulled from my body, but she’s not moving.

She’s lying there… lifeless.

I’m in a state of disbelief as tears slide down my face. My world shatters when I look at my precious baby girl. She’s everything I’ve always wanted, always dreamed of.

Slowly, I run my fingers over her delicate lips; they’re so soft and small. An instant reminder of Cooper’s lips. He doesn’t have full and luscious lips like mine, but small ones that almost disappear when he smiles. As I run the tips of my fingers across her puffy cheeks and closed eyes, I try to memorize every last detail of her dainty face. She’s so beautiful it takes my breath away. Her hair reminds me of caramel; it’s light brown and silky to the touch. It looks like mine did when I was a baby. Her face is peaceful, and for a single moment, I’m so thankful she’s not in pain.

Looking at my little girl is a moment I’ve always dreamed of. I love her instantly, and I want to hold her forever. To breathe her into me. To never let her go. The realization that I’ll never hold my precious baby again sinks in, and I feel my stomach clench as pain rips through me. I’ll never get to see her smile, laugh, roll over, or take her first steps. I’ll miss it all.

How do I move past this?

Can I move past this?

As grief consumes me, my sobs become brutal. I feel as though I’m dying. Like my heart is burning up and turning to ash. I’ll never, ever be whole again.

I pick her up and cradle her against my body, wanting to feel her skin against mine. She still feels warm—soft and smooth, like velvet. As I curl my arms around her, my tears drip onto her perfect head. I feel an overwhelming urge to fix this, to bring her back. I don’t want to lose my sweet baby. Everything in my body, my soul is screaming to bring her back.

Desperately looking up at Cooper’s green eyes, I will him to fix this, to make it better and help me. Help her. He’s always been my rock, my glue, the person who makes everything better. But all I see in his eyes is sadness, desperation, and a helplessness that I know is killing him as much as it is me. He rubs his big, shaking hand gently over her tiny head. He looks as though he’s being tortured. Sobs rip through his body as he wraps his arms around me and our precious bundle while climbing into bed with us. I feel myself collapse against his chest as we sob over our loss.

There’s nothing we can do.

This is the end of a shattered dream.

Our spirits are slowly dying, and I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to heal.

Two years later…

A cool breeze blows, and the salty undercurrent is oddly calming. I clutch a cup of coffee to my chest and close my eyes, letting the sun warm my face.

I’m alone… completely alone.

That’s what my life’s become. I have no comfort or love anymore, at least not from who I need it most. Only moments, slivers of time when I feel as though I can breathe. Those little reprieves help me survive.

I use the serenity of my surroundings to prepare for the next couple of days. I’ll have to endure meetings, conferences, and fake smiles. I need to pretend my marriage isn’t broken. That my heart and soul aren’t lost, and I don’t feel like throwing away everything I’ve worked for over the last two years.

I’ve always been a dreamer. I was the kind of girl who fantasized about the man who’d charge into her life and sweep her off her feet. I always believed that I was in control of my destiny, and as long as I worked and lived right, everything was guaranteed.

I was wrong…

Life’s a fucked up state of fucked up. I learned that the hard way.

I’m sure I sound jaded, but it’s hard to pull myself together when everything I dreamed of died in less than twenty-four hours. Dreams have a way of shattering you when they don’t work out. The illusion of hope is a very dangerous thing. Once you’ve lost that, it’s like a black hole that sucks the very life from your soul, making you doubt your purpose.

Opening my eyes, I bring my coffee to my lips and take in the sun shimmering on the surface of the water. The hot, nutty liquid is another balm to the internal ache that never goes away. I need to pull myself together. Get my head out of my ass before I go into the biggest meeting of my life. I can’t let Cooper down. He’s worked so hard for this, and I need to make him proud.

Just this once.

With the sun setting and the breeze picking up, I decide to head back to the hotel. I should use tonight to relax before all the big wigs show up. My job is to seduce money right out of their well-endowed pockets. I have to get them to invest with the Cooper Bailey Corporation—the next big thing in the insurance industry.

I head to my suite, deciding what to wear as I go. I want to feel sexy, so I decide to throw on a little black dress, red peep-toe Louboutins, and some killer lingerie. Then I’ll hunt for a warm body to keep me company. There’s no point spending the night alone.

I’ve found that nothing is more empowering than having a man eating out of the palm of my hand. There’s a thrill, a numbness in it that I crave. It helps dull the pain of not having Cooper.

I hit the shower, do my hair, and lightly apply some makeup. When I’m done, I grab my clutch, check for the money I won’t need, and head to the lobby bar. At the elevator, my stomach tightens. I wonder where my husband is. I haven’t seen or heard from him since I landed in Key West this morning. He hasn’t even bothered to check in. I should call him, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the first to make sure he’s okay again.

No, not this time.

Once the elevator doors open, I step in and a surge of excitement pings through me. The tension of the day drains from my shoulders. I’m ready to take on the night. I stride into the lobby and head straight for the bar, purposely not paying attention to those around me. A trick I’ve learned is to play uninterested until men make their move. It gets their motors churning and makes the hunt that much more fun. I grab the first seat I see at the bar and tap my nails on the counter, signaling to the bartender that I need to be served.

“What can I get you?”

“I’ll have a shot of Patron and a cranberry vodka, please,” I say, peeking up at him from under my lashes.

He nods and heads over to fix my drinks. I take a moment to survey my surroundings and see if there are any viable options for the evening. The bar is filled with suits and preppy men in polo shirts. The rich and highly powerful sit in every corner, sipping on scotch and expensive whiskey. The lighting is dim, an ideal setting for those trying to grab a quick, hot fuck. The kind of men who frequent a bar this late, in a hotel of this stature, have money, power, and aren’t looking for more than a one-night stand.

I drag my gaze across all the tables and catch sight of a beautiful blonde at a center booth. She’s cuddled up next to my husband. They’re not doing anything overtly naughty, but their smiles and gentle laughter instantly send a pang of jealousy and hurt through me, squeezing my heart.

He can’t call or text to check in, but he can come to a bar looking for his next hook up. We’re so disconnected. This is just another reminder of what we’ve become. Cooper always notices everyone but me. He works to make everyone happy but me. He wants everyone but me.

The clink of my drinks being placed on the mahogany bar startles me. I turn and grab them, throwing the tequila back and picking up the vodka as a chaser. Why does it have to hurt so badly?

I’ve never seen him in the act with another woman. He’s always been friendly and flirtatious, but that’s just him. I’m not in denial; I know he’s having sex with other people. It just hurts. It hurts like a bitch with every passing day, slowly tearing me apart, and there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it. I’ve made my bed, and now I have to lay in it. Reality is a cold slap in the face. I’d rather live in a state of “what I don’t know won’t hurt me” than see shit with my own eyes. Ignorance is bliss.

I toss back the rest of my drink and signal for two more. I need to get drunk and find someone fast. I need to put Cooper out of my mind. There’s no point dwelling on what I can’t have. Not with everything I need to do tomorrow. A tingle moves through me, alerting my senses that someone has taken the seat next to me. I glance over at a pair of mischief-filled chocolate eyes on the most decadent face. My stomach plummets, butterflies taking flight, and I think I’ve found my ticket to freedom for the night.

“Why’s a sinful little thing like you sitting at a bar all alone?” My body vibrates as his velvety voice permeates the air.

I take a minute before responding, allowing my gaze to stroke his body. “Because this sinful little thing’s looking to be dirty.” I smile seductively.

His eyes light up, but it’s quickly covered by a smooth, buttery charm that I’m sure has ladies around the world spreading their legs. “I think you found it, sweetheart. The name’s Nathaniel, but you can call me Nate.” He tips his glass in my direction. “Can I get you another drink?”

“That would be nice,” I answer coyly.

My attention lingers on chestnut hair that’s styled messily. His skin, a flawless olive brown, and the stubble prickling his jaw make him appear older. Maybe late thirties. His broad shoulders and thick arms are held in by a white polo shirt, and tan slacks hug his hips in just the right places. He’s all business and has an aura of power that exudes from every pore.

“I’m Kylie, by the way.”

“A beautiful name for an even more beautiful lady.” He smirks, stroking his jaw. I see his eyes skim my breasts.

“Hmm, I’m sure you say that to every sinful little thing you pick up,” I tease.

“I don’t need pickup lines,” he quips, his eyes incinerating me with pure sexual power. “I can have anyone I want.”

A small prickle of annoyance shoots through me. Who says that? How do I even respond?

He seems to notice my reaction because his baritone chuckle fills the air, causing heads to swivel in our direction. “Don’t look so put off, Kylie. You’ll be happy by the end of the night.”

My pulse spikes as excitement blossoms. As arrogant as this bastard is, I need him badly. “Confident much?” I roll my eyes. “Seriously, though. Do you say shit like that to all the ladies?”

My tone must surprise him because he laughs again. Though he’s still being an asshole, a rush of something very tantalizing spreads across my body.

“Is something funny?” I ask.

“Mmmhmm, you. You’re gorgeous and fiery. Very intriguing. Now tell me the truth, why are you sitting here all alone?”

His question irritates me. I’m not sure he believes the real reason I’m sitting at this bar, but I don’t want, or need, an inquisition. I decide to give this guy a glimpse into the real me. Just a morsel of what he could be taking to bed tonight.

“It’s Nate, right?” He nods, so I continue. “Listen, Nate, I’m here looking for a man who knows how to handle a woman.” I lick my lips and drag my eyes to his cock for just a moment. “I need someone to erase all the shit I’ve gone through today. I need a man who knows how to shut up and just… use me.” I let that sink in. “Are you going to be that man? Because I’m not here for a heart-to-heart. I really don’t care about your background, and I don’t want to know your secrets.”

He seems shocked and completely taken aback. My expression is one of absolute sincerity. This is me in my finest form. Take it or leave it.

Open.

Honest.

“Damn! You’ve almost left me speechless.”

His eyes sparkle under the muted lights, and the grin tilting the corners of his mouth is adorable. This man, who probably controls a multimillion dollar business, has just been bested by a woman.

The smile I feel forming makes me pick up my fresh drink and bring it to my lips. “Welcome to the world of Kylie.” I laugh and take a sip. “I know that might’ve been blunt, but I just want a minute to escape.” I let out a breath and slide my eyes back to his. “You know how that is, don’t you?”

Caught off guard again, he looks at me with interest, and something else. “You’re refreshing, you know that? I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who doesn’t pussyfoot around. I like that. It’s hot.”

Uncomfortable with the sudden intimacy, I decided to break the moment—Kylie style. “Well, champ, whose room? Yours or mine?” His deep laugh makes me smile.

“Why don’t you come to mine? We can have some drinks and relax in privacy.”

“That sounds good,” I say as I stand and grab my clutch. I start to pull some money out of my wallet, but Nate’s large hand covers mine.

“I’ve got this,” he says.

Our fingers lace together, and he tugs me close. My chest is crushed to his, and his face brushes the side of mine. I feel his hot breath in my ear, sending a trail of goose bumps down my body. Damn, he feels good. Warm, hard, and lean.

“Tell me something,” he whispers. My pulse rises as I try to push back, aware that Cooper could see this, but he doesn’t let me go. “How do you want to be fucked? I can take you hard and fast, or slow. Are you wild, Kylie? Because that mouth of yours has me so hard, I can’t wait to shove my cock in it. I want you. So fucking badly.” He presses his dick against my stomach. “That’s what you’ve done to me with your naughty voice and attitude. I just hope you’re as good as you give, sweetheart.”

I’m breathless. I lick my lips, swallowing hard. “You can have me anyway you want.”

He stills, and the air around us, already charged, turns wicked. He pulls back, and his face is so hot, I melt. I dissolve into a pool of lust as I stare into his hungry eyes.

He plants a soft kiss on the corner of my lips. “How did I get this lucky tonight?”

Feeling his body so close to mine is almost too much. I’m in public, and Cooper’s somewhere in this bar. I push back again, and this time, he lets me go. As I turn to leave, my gaze lands, of course, on the man I want but can’t have. Cooper’s eyes burn holes straight through me. Hate’s so clearly etched on every line of his stunning face. We stare at each other, the temperature in the room ratcheting up, and I feel the last string holding me together snap. Tears well in my eyes as my heart beats for its missing half. I force them back, keeping my gaze locked on his, and remind myself to be strong.

I inhale and smile, giving him a short, clipped wave. It’s messed up, but that’s my message that he can’t hurt me anymore. That, at least for tonight, I’ll be okay. Blondie’s still sitting with him, practically perched in his lap. This is Cooper and me at our best, and nothing’s going to change. It’s just another night, another notch in our fucked-up bed post.

Expression unchanging, Cooper grabs Blondie’s face and brings his lips to hers. His eyes never leave mine. It’s not a peck. Oh no, this is a full blown kiss. He’s taunting me, trying to hurt me or piss me off. My body blisters, and I feel myself tremble. Everything in me wants to give out. This is the first time I’ve seen his lips on another woman, and it’s a punch straight to my core. As our eyes stay connected, I see his hand sweep up her back and into her hair.

I can’t breathe. I feel the air being vacuumed out of my lungs. A palm settles on my shoulder, breaking my stare. I twist and see Nate looking at me curiously. He takes in my stricken expression, and leans in, sliding his hands possessively around my lower waist.

“Come on,” he says softly. “Let’s get out of here. I’ll take care of you. You won’t be thinking of him tonight.”

I close my eyes. He doesn’t know who Cooper is, but he clearly knows what I need. I breathe in his warmth, using it to choke back all the hurt that’s threatening to smother my evening. I can’t let it.

Cooper needs time, and I need this.

I turn in his arms and wind my hands around his neck. I whisper, “Please, Nate.” My words are desperate, aching and oozing with need. That’s all it takes.

He grabs my hand and leads me out of the bar. I look back one last time. My heart hammers and my stomach falls. Cooper’s no longer kissing Blondie, and his expression is blank. My body trembles as he shakes his head, almost as if he’s shaking me off, and turns back to the woman who’s stolen his attention.

I feel sucker punched.

I shift, noticing that Nate is pulling on my hand. I swallow the hurt and decide to leave Cooper to his blonde. I need a man who’s going to take me out of hell and show me a sliver of heaven, peace, and hope. Hope that, for the next couple hours, I don’t have to think about anything. I only have to feel.

The first thing that hits me when I crack open my eyes is the pounding steadily beating in my head. I roll over and groan. “Ugh, stupid drinks.”

I pull a pillow over my aching head. Today is not the day for a hangover. I have so much to get done. I should’ve known better. With my eyes closed, I think over last night and Cooper. His piercing green eyes pinning me in the bar.

How did we get here? My sweet husband is gone, and I’m to blame. I think over the last two years as I burrow deeply into the soft cotton of my pillow.

“Kylie.” A voice infiltrates my sleepy brain as a hand lightly brushes my cheek. “Hey, baby, wake up. You need to get ready.”

I blink open my swollen eyes and take in Cooper’s exhausted face. “What?”

“You need to get up and get ready for the funeral. It’s today,” he whispers.

“No,” I say. Tears that I thought had dried up pool in my eyes. “No, I’m sorry, I’m not going, Coop. I can’t.”

This is not happening. It can’t happen. I won’t accept it. It’s just a dream. She’s not gone. She’s not gone. I won’t let her go, and no one can make me. I love her. No, no, no. I can’t, please, no.

Close your eyes. Breathe. Slow, deep breaths. Touch your belly; she’s still there. See, she’s still in there. It’s okay. This is just a nightmare. It’s not real. Go ahead, move your hand down. Feel your baby. It’s going to be okay.

Closing my eyes, I’m desperate to believe my own thoughts. I slowly wrap my hands around my belly. It’s empty. Fuck, it’s empty. Reality wraps its long fingers around my neck and chokes me. I sob, groaning and roll away from Cooper.

He takes a deep breath. “You have to. I know this is hard, but we have to do this for Kayla.”

We have to do this for Kayla?

I don’t want to do this for Kayla. My body aches from top to bottom, and sobs bruise my ribs. I feel the bed move and warm hands wrap around me from behind. I don’t want his touch. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want anyone near me. I want to be alone. I want my baby back.

I move away, but Cooper clings to me, not giving me the space I desperately need. He kisses my neck, and I feel his hot tears on my collar bone.

“Shh… we’ll get through this, Ky. Shh, I’ve got you. It’s okay,” he says. “It’s gonna be okay, baby.”

The thing is, it’s not okay. Even though I can feel, I’m dead. My heart and soul are dead, and I have no intention of living again. It’s still too raw, and I’m not ready to face it. I want to stay in my warm bed, pretend it’s not real, and sleep. Where I can dream of my beautiful girl. Where I can close my eyes and picture her little face, her glossy hair, her small lips, and her body, still and peaceful. I can smell her, taste her sweet baby skin. I can hold her. I can keep her. I can be her mother. I can have a family. I don’t want to wake up and move. I don’t want to breathe without her.

“I can’t, Cooper, please,” I whisper, my words desperate and groggy. “Give me my meds. I just want to sleep. I want to be alone.”

“No, Kylie, listen to me. We have to be there. I know this is more than either of us can take, but you are her mother and you need to be there. I’ll hold you up, but you can’t miss this. It’s not right, Ky. Please don’t make this harder. Please, for me.” His despair is audible as it seeps from his mouth. “Please, Kylie, please just get up.”

I cry heaving sobs. Why won’t he just leave me be? She’s dead. For fuck’s sake, she’s fucking dead. I don’t want to see her in a little box. I don’t want to say good-bye. I don’t want pity or sympathy. I don’t want to say thank you to people who are “sorry for my loss.”

“Cooper, please, just go away. Just leave me.”

“No, Kylie, you’re all I have. Our parents can’t make it, and I don’t want to do this on my own. I can’t. I need you.” The desperation in his voice clings thick to the air. “Get up, please. Just get up, for me, please.”

I cry harder, and Cooper rolls to his back, letting me go. His breathing is heavy, and I can feel his tears.

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters.

I know this is hard for him. Just as hard as it is for me. But I can’t help him. My instinct is to curl into myself, and I’m too exhausted to fight it. I feel the bed shift as he gets up. A second later, it moves again, and I feel him in front of me.

His hands touch my face. “Kylie, look at me, please.” His voice is achingly tender and broken. “I need you to hear this.”

I crack my eyes open and look into his. The green eyes I love with everything in me. The green eyes that have never abandoned me, that have always loved me, that are hurting.

“I can’t do it without you, baby. Please, I can’t do this alone.” Desperation is etched into the lines around his eyes. “I need you. I need you there. I know you’re struggling. I know, but you’re my air right now. If you’re not there, I’m going to suffocate. Please don’t do this to me. Please, I can’t do this on my own.” He kisses me tenderly, and I taste his salty tears. “I’m failing you right now, I know I am. I should be able to carry this for both of us, but I can’t. I can’t do it without you near. I need you. Please, don’t abandon me.”

I hear him, but I’m numb. The hurt is a poison seeping through my veins, killing me one organ at a time. The pain, the pleading in his words rolls through me, but I can’t do it. I want to. I want to be there for him, but I’m too weak. Putting my baby in the ground will put me in the ground, I can feel it.

A part of us dies in this minute.

His face falls as he sobs, saying over and over, “Please, I can’t…I can’t do this. I need you. I don’t want to bury her alone. Please, Kylie, I need you.”

His strangled cries constrict around my heart, obliterating me. The love of my life is hurting, but I’m not whole enough to love him through it. My own pain is taking a front seat. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t be there for him right now. I’m broken, soulless, floating in a sea of torment so deep it coats every aspect of my being.

His struggling breaths wrap around me as we lay together for a while. I feel him fighting with himself, wrestling his emotions, and I do nothing. I just lay there with my eyes squeezed shut. I need to fight through this with him, but everything in me is dead.

Eventually the bed shifts, and Cooper sighs. His lips press to my cheek. I should reach for him, hold him, give him a hug, something to love him in this moment, but I don’t. I do nothing.

Not one thing.

I close my eyes, praying for sleep. For something to take the pain. Lost, I need anything that’ll strip away this feeling of being smothered and not being able to escape. I feel myself drifting off to the sound of the door slamming. The empty house brings a chill that’s unimaginable. Tears roll down my face as my numb body empties broken sobs into my pillow. Eventually, everything in me gives out, and sleep swoops in.

The sound of water wakes me. I stretch my aching muscles and open my eyes, squinting through the light. Turning my head toward the bathroom, I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. He’s home.

I glance at the alarm clock. It reads six fifteen p.m. I missed it. I missed my own daughter’s funeral. Tears fill my eyes as I realize what a shitty human being I am. I not only disgraced her, but I let down the man I love. I sit up, my feet hitting the cold floor, and take a minute to steady myself. I hear the water running in the bathroom. The urge to be near him hits me hard, and I get up, heading toward Cooper.

I ease open the bathroom door, and a thick rush of the steam hits me in the face. I sneak in and undress, wanting to slip in and wrap my arms around Cooper. I want to tell him how sorry I am that I wasn’t woman enough to be there for him. That I wasn’t woman enough to honor the memory of our daughter. I just didn’t have it in me. I open the shower door as softly as I can and slide in behind him. I run my hands around his firm torso and lock them together around his front. Cooper freezes, his breathing stops.

I lay my head on his back. “I’m sorry.”

He’s silent and continues to stand there with his hands braced on the wall. I give him a while to find words. I try to explain with my body pressed to his how incredibly sorry I am and how I wish I could make things better.

I’m not sure how much time passes, but eventually I hear him struggle to form words. His voice wraps around me and strangles me.

“Do you have any idea what today was like? Do you have any idea how it felt to watch her being lowered…” Trembling, he pauses, devastation choking his words as he continues. “How it felt to tell people you weren’t coming? The looks on their faces? The way they embraced me like I had lost two people? Do you have any fucking idea?”

Shaking, I grip him harder and try to talk through my tears. “No, no, I don’t. I’m sorry, Cooper. I just couldn’t…I couldn’t face this.”

“You couldn’t face this,” he whispers. “Have you thought of me at all in the last couple weeks? Have you thought of me for even a second? Do you think I wanted to face this? Do you think I wanted to do all the planning, all the phone calls, and bury her alone? Do you think that I wanted to be there today?” A sob rips from his throat.

I hold him tighter, pressing into his back. I feel his pain. It bleeds off his skin in waves, painting the walls red in agony.

“No, I didn’t want to, but what choice did I have? I lost her too, Kylie. I lost my little girl too, and it fucking kills me. I needed you. I needed you by my side today.” His head drops forward, and his body turns hard. “I’ve left you to mourn, left you to grieve. I’ve tried to understand. I haven’t asked you for anything. I know how you feel, and I’ve tried to be there. I made the plans, the phone calls, set everything up. All I needed was you there today. I wasn’t asking you to do anything or say anything. Just be there. That’s it. I needed you.” His voice breaks as his body trembles violently.

“Cooper, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “She was all I wanted. She became who I am. She was with me for months, and I don’t know how to let that go. I don’t want to let her go. I couldn’t face her laying there. I couldn’t deal with it.”

His breathing is labored, and his body strains as though he’s in pain. “I’m trying to get that, baby. I’m trying real damn hard to understand, to let it go, to accept.”

He turns around, and I crumble to the bottom of the shower. I look up at the man I’ve loved since I was sixteen, and I know I fucked up. His luminous eyes are red and puffy, and the light that used to seep out of them is gone. His forehead is etched with stress, and his blonde hair is matted. His broad, tanned shoulders shudder with sadness, and his body is tight. He looks at me with pain. Pain that not only I inflicted, but the universe has inflicted upon us. Looking at him, I see a broken man searching for something to take his worries away. A man desperate for escape. A man jaded and tormented. His love for me is still there, but the tenderness is gone. Something’s changed. A switch between us has flipped, and I can’t fix it.

“I need time,” he whispers, remorse bleeding from his lips. “I just… I can’t do this right now. You wanted to be alone, and I’ve given you that over the last two weeks. Right now, I need the same thing. I need time. I love you, but I need you to give me space.”

Adrenaline shoots through me, and panic slices me open. I can’t lose him. I can’t. “No, please. Please don’t leave me too. I know I fucked up, but please don’t pull away. Please just stay here with me.”

“Kylie…” He sits down and pulls me into his lap. “I’m sorry, baby. I need time. I need to deal with what’s going on in my head. All this is too much. I just need a night, okay? Just one night to get my head right. Today’s been… today’s fucked me up.”

“I can’t lose you. I need you. God, I’m so sorry, please just stay with me tonight. Don’t go. Don’t.” I tangle my hands in his hair, pulling his naked, dripping body against mine.

“You’re not going to lose me,” he says. “I’m never going anywhere, but I can’t do this right now. One night. I’ll be at Gray’s, okay? I need to get myself together. I need space.”

I feel my heart break, but I understand. It’s the same thing I’ve been asking him for. I’ve been pushing him away, and I owe him time. So I say nothing while I hold him as though he’s my life raft. I’m scared. I’m scared of losing him. I’m scared that fate has handed us too much. I cry into his shoulder while we cling to each other.

Lost.

Broken.

Tortured souls.

“I love you,” I murmur. “I love you so much.”

He doesn’t reply, but a couple tears trickle down his face. I know he loves me. He gently moves me off him and stands, leaving me broken-hearted in the shower. I pull my knees to my chest as I hear the shower door close, followed by the bathroom door.

I sit there until the water runs cold and chills pierce my frame. Then I get up, dry off, slip into bed, and cry myself to sleep again. Only this time, I cry not only for Kayla, but for Cooper. I hurt the person I love with everything in me, and the damage could be permanent.

A sharp knocking shakes me out of my thoughts. Startled, I get up to see where it’s coming from while holding my pounding head. “Jesus Christ, chill out. I’m coming.”

I throw open the hotel door and look into the eyes of my bestie and assistant.

“Rough night?” She smirks and holds up two piping hot cups of Starbucks coffee.

“You could say that.” I grimace.

Laughing, she hands me a cup and walks in. “Think you could have gotten dressed before you opened the door, Kylie?” She grins, closing the door. “I mean, you’re hot, but anyone could have gotten a show of nipples and black thong.”

I smile. “Shut up, I knew it was you. You’re the only one who would pound incessantly at my door.”

“True,” she says, taking a sip of her coffee. “Wanna put a robe on?” She raises her brows and a comical look sweeps her features.

Calia is stunning. Blonde. Blue eyes. Tall. A man’s fantasy, and she’s just like me. She uses it to get what she wants. She’s the perfect wingman, and she never judges. She just accepts what is and works with it. I love her.

“What? My rosy nips not working for you?” I giggle and go grab a robe in the bedroom, leaving her in the living room.

“Seriously, Coco, why aren’t you ready?” she yells. “You know Coop’s going to be pissed if you’re late.”

Coco is her nickname for me. When Calia and I started working together, she noticed my addiction to all things chocolate. After being sent out repeatedly for hot cocoa, iced mochas, and brownies, she decided I needed a nickname and it’s stuck. Of course, since she gave me a nickname, I decided she needed one too. When I look at Calia, I think Cali girl. So that’s what I’ve always called her. My Cali girl. It just fits.

“Screw Cooper,” I say. “That bastard can wait.”

“Well, get your shit together, girly. We need to leave in thirty.”

I peek out of the bedroom and smile. “Fine, I just need to hop in the shower. Make yourself at home.”

She laughs and shakes her head. “Go, go! Hurry up. And don’t think you’re getting out of telling me what went down last night.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I yell over the running water.

Great, just what I want to do—rehash my crazy night with a sexy stranger and an angry husband. One I really don’t want to face this morning. One who didn’t show up to our room last night. One who probably screwed Blondie’s brains out and then snuggled her. One who couldn’t care less about me.

Yep, that sounds like something I want to do… not.

I feel good walking into the conference room. After getting cleaned up, I paired a black pencil skirt with a coral blouse and turquoise peep-toe pumps. I left my black hair in loose curls to cascade down my back and threw on some diamond earrings. I decided if I had to face Coop, I would do it looking hot. I unbuttoned the top two buttons of my blouse to give a subtle glimpse of cleavage underneath. Calia decided to head down early and get some last minute paperwork ready.

As soon as I walk through the door, I catch a glimpse of Cooper. My heart starts to beat furiously as my eyes devour him. His head is tipped down, his honey hair playing along the collar of his blue shirt as he flips through some paperwork. He looks sexy in a custom-fitted black Armani suit. I itch to touch him, to run my hands up his toned abs and into his perfectly styled hair. I know that wouldn’t be well received, so I gather my confidence and stride into the room.

As I get closer to him, I inhale and shake out my nerves. “Well, good morning, sweet husband.” I cringe, knowing I sound bitchy.

“Ah, well, look who decided to show,” he says, distant and irritated. “Did you enjoy yourself last night?”

I smile wickedly, wanting to get his blood pumping. I watch his eyes flare and bite my lip. “More than you’ll ever know.”

“I fucking doubt that,” he spits, anger lacing every syllable.

“Don’t get pissy with me,” I spit back. “I could ask you the same thing. Did you have fun with your bottle blonde? Did she give you what you need? What you can’t seem to get from me? Because I definitely found what I needed, and it was long, wide, and very, very hard.” I shouldn’t poke the lion, I know this, but he pisses me off. The sick thing is, I want his emotions. I want them directed at me.

I don’t care… good, bad, ugly, or indifferent, I crave them.

I need them.

“You can be such a bitch.” He tilts his head back and takes an angry breath, trying to regain his control. His body stiffens, before he exhales. “We need to stop this right now. We can’t do this here. I don’t want to talk about anything but work. People are going to be here in forty minutes, and that’s the only thing we should handle today.”

The way he shuts me out, choosing other things over me, hurts and makes me angry. It sucks that he can do whatever he wants, whenever he feels like it. Yeah, this meeting is huge, but would it kill him to take a minute to talk to me?

“Do you know why I’m so mad?” My blood pressure rises as I get in his face. I look at the man I love so much and take a quick breath. Words tumble out of my mouth like bullets, assaulting him. “Where were you last night? You never came to our hotel room. I made sure I did. Where were you?” I accuse, hurt dribbling from my body. “Did you forget your own golden rule again? You promised me, Cooper.”

He swallows and scrubs a palm over his frustrated face. “I know, okay? Things with Jessica got out of hand. It won’t happen again. Jesus Christ, what difference would it have made anyway? We had to be here early, and I didn’t finish up with her until after four.” He drags a hand through his hair, tousling it, and smirks.

It freaking sucks when you get what you give. I know that was directed toward me. That was meant to hurt me after I jabbed at him about “finding what I needed.” And now I know her name… Jessica.

“Screw this,” I mutter. “You’ll never get it. We just keep messing this up. Our rules, the way we live, it’s all so fucked up.” My voice goes from angry to pained, almost resigned.

“Look, this is not the place to talk about us.” His tone is stern. He wants to get away from me; I can see it in his posture and the way his eyes avoid mine. “You wanted this. You wanted to open our marriage. You can’t complain. Let’s just get this deal locked in. This is important, and then we can talk about our usual bullshit, okay?”

I decide to let it go. He can be infuriating and painful. Everything with us feels like a losing battle. I can’t get through to him. I don’t know how. I walk away, breathing deeply, and go find Cali.

Just as I’m heading to the door, she pokes her head in. “Here are the docs.”

“Thanks, Cali.” I smile weakly and grab the papers.

“Hey, hang in there.” Her concern is the only thing that brings me joy. She loves me through everything.

I nod, expelling a deep breath. “What’s that?” I look at the extra papers in her hand.

She looks down and then back at me. “Cooper asked me to copy them for him.”

“Where’s Layla?” I ask, wondering where Cooper’s assistant is. She usually follows him around like a lost, pathetic puppy.

“Couldn’t make the trip.”

“Oh. What would I do without you?” I question, knowing I would be lost without her. She’s always on top of everything.

“You’d die.” She laughs.

“True story,” I say with a giggle.

Forty minutes later, everything’s set up, and the men we’ve been waiting on saunter through the door. The energy in the room changes when I see the males who have graced us with their presence.

“Gentlemen.” Cooper’s voice booms through the space. “Thanks for coming.”

A small grin pulls at my mouth when I lock eyes with Grayson Walsh, Cooper’s best friend and future investment partner. Grayson is well… Gray. He and Cooper go way back. They’ve know each other since they were two years old. They went to high school and college together and have never lived more than twenty minutes apart. Gray’s not only Cooper’s friend, though. He’s mine too.

We share something different, something very special that only began to blossom when Kayla died. He’s been there for me every step of the way, and he’s become my best friend. He knows all the gritty details of my marriage. He knows about the women, the men, the animosity, and he loves us both. He never tries to fix me. Like Calia, he just accepts it for what it is. Does he like it? No. But what can he do? Nothing. Cooper and I are the only ones who can fix the mess we’ve created.

“Guys, I want you to meet my partner, my wife, Kylie Bailey.” Cooper smiles.

I hate the fake warmth in his voice when he introduces me. Everything feels so forced, and I hate it. He could care less where I’m concerned. He tortures me by withholding his love at every turn. I never know whether I’m coming or going.

Swallowing the irritation, I shake hands with Lindin Peterson. The guy’s the size of a linebacker. He has a warmth and sweet swagger that makes me feel instantly at ease. His looks aren’t striking, but his smile makes me smile. His size and aura seem to be at odds with each other. Next, I meet an incredibly charming guy named Jason York. He’s stunning, and his eyes are so bright they’re intoxicating.

“Nice to meet you, Kylie.” He grins, pulling my hand to his soft lips. “Cooper’s a very lucky man.”

Jesus… The testosterone he oozes is so thick, I have to blink and glance away. My cheeks feel warm. He hasn’t said anything crazy, but I know, I just know, he’s dangerous, sexy, and probably combustible in bed. After I take a second to compose myself, I glance back at all the guys in the room. I see Lindin smirking, Cooper mildly annoyed, and Gray strangely uncomfortable.

Cooper clears his throat. “We’re waiting on one more. Why don’t you guys have a seat and get comfortable? Is there anything Kylie can get you to drink?”

He’s always taking a shot at me. Is there anything Kylie can get you to drink? I shoot daggers at him, and he just smirks, knowing he’s crawling under my skin.

The three of them refuse drinks, and we all take our seats, waiting on the CEO of Accelerated Investments. Our conversation is light and friendly, and I think the meeting is going to go superbly. Then the door opens and in strides the man of the hour.

I don’t get up or move to see who he is. I decide to wait for Cooper to make the introduction. This is huge for him, and I don’t want to do anything to mess it up. The CEO is not my responsibility. My job is to sweet talk his right-hand guys, to plant little seeds they can take back to their boss.

“Hey, you made it.” I hear the nervousness in Cooper’s voice. “Thank you so much for coming, Mr. Richards. I know your time is valuable, and we really appreciate you flying out.”

They talk for a minute while I pretend to be busy with papers. I hear Cooper walk up behind me. He places a hand on my shoulder. I take a quick breath, before turning and plaster on the fakest smile I have. The moment I see Mr. Richards’s face, mine falls.

“Kylie, this is Nathaniel Richards, the CEO of Accelerated Investments.”

My heart stops, and the blood flowing to my organs freezes up. I feel as if I’ve been kicked in the stomach as I look into the very knowing eyes of the man who fucked me senseless last night.

A smile dusts his lips. “It’s nice to meet you, Kylie.” His voice is low, husky, and tickles a path through my body.

He holds out his hand, and I stand there like a dumb ass. The only thought running through my head is that I knew one of my casual hook ups would come back to bite me in the ass eventually.

Holy crap. I’m in way over my head here. I raise a shaky hand and try to force a smile. “It’s nice to meet you too, Nathaniel.”

The air in the room is charged, tense, and I can’t imagine what’s going through Cooper’s head, let alone those of the other men in the room. I want to throw up and crawl under the rug. This can’t be happening. I feel a hand on the small of my back, and I look into Grayson’s aqua eyes.

“Why don’t we go ahead and get this started?” He must see the stress painted across my face because he places his arm over my shoulder and guides me to my seat.

Everyone follows suit, and soon Cooper’s voice goes through the various stages of our proposal. I keep my eyes on the papers in front of me to avoid a certain gaze burning through me.

My thoughts go from irritated at myself to mortified. I’m not some wall flower. I’ve had my share of business hook ups, and Cooper knows about them, but this is different. We’ve been working on this for two years. It’s the only thing that’s been a constant in our relationship. Work, work and more work.

This is his dream. He comes from an affluent family, but Coop wants to make his own way without using the family name and money. I totally support that. After we lost Kayla, we cut family out. His parents play no role in our lives, and neither do mine. They’ve given us money, but we choose not to use it and support ourselves.

We own a successful insurance office, and we need capital to expand our one office into two. That’s where Nate’s company comes in. If we can expand into Key West, be successful, and make Accelerated Investments a profit, then we can expand into other states one office at a time. The goal is to have offices all over the country.

But now I’ve created a problem. I fucked the key investor instead of seducing his minions. If I’ve messed this up and he decides not to invest, Cooper’s dream will be delayed. And if Cooper’s unhappy, then our marriage will be worse off than it is now.

The odd thing is, I thought Cooper saw him last night at the bar, and he made no move to stop me. Maybe he didn’t get a clear view of who was next to me. Was he so involved with Blondie and pissing me off that he totally missed Nate? There’s no way he would have let me go with him. I know Cooper, and even though we’re both damaged, we do try to draw some lines.

A swell of panic trickles through my blood like the drip from a tap. If Nate decides I’m a skanky bitch, then Cooper’s deal could be ruined. I can’t breathe.

Nate didn’t seem stunned when introductions were made. No, he seemed… almost knowing. I’m confused. Did Cooper not see us? The lighting was muted. But I saw Cooper. I saw him clearly.

If I’m being honest, I always see Cooper. If he was sitting in a dark room, I’d know where he was. I’m so keyed in to what he’s doing that I could make him out in a crowd of hundreds. Things between us are broken, but I know without a doubt that I love him with all that’s in me. I always have.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I miss my name being called until I feel hot breath fan against my ear.

“Hey sweet cheeks, you’re up.” Gray’s gentle whisper catches my attention.

I look up and notice him trying to read me. God, I love him. My sweet Grayson.

He winks and smiles. I turn my gaze from him and look at everyone at the table. All eyes are on me. Deep breath, Kylie.

I give a small nod and move toward Cooper. My heart beats rapidly, and all thought of what the hell I’m supposed to do vanishes. Nausea curls in my stomach and sweat beads on my forehead. Anxiety stops me cold when I get to his side. He looks annoyed, but also slightly concerned.

Does he not know? Oh my God, I don’t think he knows.

I feel myself turn white. What if I’ve fucked up the whole thing? My heart seizes. My breathing becomes labored, and my hand goes to my chest. My vision blurs. I can’t breathe.

“Kylie, baby, you okay?” Cooper asks, looking confused.

“No.” I choke as my world spins, and the anxiety doubles. I close my eyes and take small, panting breaths.

Cooper grabs me, pulling me against him. I feel his warmth wrap around me as he tries to figure out what’s going on. The room becomes crazy, a frenzy of activity as they urge me to sit down.

Oh God… I strain against my mind, willing it to calm. This is not good. I feel tears slip down my face.

Cooper squats and takes my cheeks between his hands. “You’re okay, everything’s fine. Try taking some deeper breaths.”

I try to calm myself by putting my head between my legs and following his orders.

Shit

Shit

Shit

I really messed up. I groan inwardly, wanting to die. I’ve let him down again. I look at Cooper and try to apologize the only way I know. I place my palm on his cheek and mouth, “I’m sorry.”

I’m so sorry for repeatedly destroying his life. He flinches away, and I want to scream. I swallow my emotions and force myself to settle down. After a couple of minutes, my nerves calm, and I stand slowly. I look at all the concerned eyes in the room.

“God, I’m sorry. I think I ate something bad last night.” I flick my eyes to Nate whose face is covered in a smirk. “I need to go lay down. Cooper will finish the presentation with Calia’s assistance. Again, I’m so sorry.”

I look at Cali in the far corner of the room. My eyes bulge, and she snaps into action, asking if she can get anybody beverages or snacks. I can’t move. I’m so embarrassed. I force my feet forward. With my head hung low, I throw things in my bag.

Gray comes up behind me and leans over my shoulder. “I’ll take you to your room.”

“Oh no, you don’t need to do that,” I say quickly, averting my eyes from his.

He turns my face toward his, giving me a no-nonsense look. “Don’t test me, Kylie.”

I know better than to argue with Grayson Walsh, so I just nod, grab my stuff, and let him lead me out. I look back one last time. Cooper’s face, which had a hint of concern earlier, looks angry and frustrated. His eyes hold so much resentment. I swallow and look at Nate. He gives me a full-fledged smirk and turns to whisper in Lindin’s ear. Lindin looks at me, brows furrowed, and sits back down. I don’t bother looking at Jason, afraid of what I might see. I rush out of the room, hoping Cali can pick up my slack.

The moment the cool lobby air hits my face, I feel as though I can breathe. I almost run to my room. I’m getting out of here. I plan to pack up and head home to Tampa before this nightmare of a day is over. I’m so busy planning my escape that when I get into the elevator, I forget Gray’s with me.

“Do you wanna tell me what that was about?” His face is blank, but his eyes hold a mountain of concern.

“Not really,” I whisper, pressing the button for the twelfth floor.

He smiles weakly and quirks a brow. “Come on, you can’t leave me hanging. Tell me what’s going on. You know I won’t judge you. I need to know what’s going through that gorgeous head of yours.”

I let out a breath and feel stress swarm through my body again. “Seriously, you don’t want to know. I messed up big time. I can’t even imagine what Cooper’s thinking right now.” Tears try to force their way out of my eyes, but I hold them back.

“I know you, Kylie,” he says. “I see through you. I know what you’re trying to do and I love you anyway. Nothing you could tell me is going to affect us. How long have we been friends? How many times have I picked you up? Cleaned you up? Tell me what that was about.” His face becomes hard, unflinching. He’s not going to let this go.

I curse inwardly and close my eyes, leaning back against the cool mirrored surface. Damn Grayson always needs to know every freaking detail. I sigh as loud as I can, hoping he hears my irritation. As I open my eyes and mouth, I’m saved by the ding of the elevator. He follows me to my suite where I fumble with my key card. I’m so exhausted and nervous that I can’t seem to get the damn thing in the slot. His hand rests on mine, sliding the key out of my fingers and inserting it in the door. With his palm pressed to the small of my back, he ushers me into the suite.

I move straight to my bedroom. I chuck off my heels and earrings, dropping them along the way. I just want to close my eyes and undo the day, undo last night. I get to the bed, crawl under the cool down comforter, and curl around a pillow. A moment later Gray comes in, slips off his shoes and climbs in on the other side, facing me. He stares at me for a while, not saying much. The way he studies me has my insides softening. His eyes trace my features as he tries to figure me out. Silence stretches densely around the room.

I close my eyes, breathing deep, and open my mouth to confess my stupid mistake, but still as Gray brushes the pad of his thumb along my lips.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” he says. “Just remember you’ve been through worse. You’ve been to hell and back. Whatever this is, it’s just another blip on your journey.”

“This is bad,” I whisper. “Cooper’s going to be so angry. Shit, he’s already angry with me. I’m scared that this is just going to push him further away. I don’t know. Sometimes I wonder if he loves me anymore.”

“Stop, of course he loves you. He’s just fucked up. He doesn’t know what to do with you and how to fix it. But he loves you.”

“You have no idea what I did last night.”

“Then tell me,” he urges. “I want to be there for you. Look, you know I love Coop. We’ve been best friends forever, but he’s not the only one hurting, Ky. Watching you like this, seeing you going through the same thing all the time, makes me angry. I hate seeing you hate yourself. Tell me what happened.”

I roll to my back and look at the ceiling. An internal war ignites my head as I debate whether or not to fess up. Gray knows all my secrets, all my indiscretions, but telling him this feels dirty, wrong. I’ve turned into some desperate child screaming for attention, and I can’t stand it. I want to pull myself together and try to fix my marriage, but I can’t. I can’t because I don’t know how. Maybe it’s time I start fixing myself instead. I’m running my heart into the ground.

“I did something last night.” My whisper conveys the brokenness inside me, my confusion. “I just… I don’t know, I was mad and lonely. Cooper hadn’t talked to me at all yesterday. I knew he had landed; I knew he was here.” I let out a distressed breath. “I wanted a text from him, but one never came. I should’ve just texted him first, but I was being stubborn. I was upset. So I went out. I went to the bar downstairs. I just… Shit, I know this sounds bad, but I wanted a warm body.” I let out another deep breath, my body trembling. “I went to the bar looking for a man. This pattern is killing my marriage, but I’m addicted to the feeling of a man wanting me. I like feeling special and needed.”

He moves closer, wrapping his arms around my body and pulling me against his chest. “It’s okay.” He kisses the top of my head.

“I got there and saw Cooper with this…” I groan. “God, Gray, he was with this beautiful blonde girl. She was so much prettier than me, and I got mad. It’s stupid. It’s ridiculous, because this is normal for us. Getting mad is absurd.” I expel an unsteady breath. “Anyway, this guy sat next to me. He seemed like a perfect distraction for the night, so I left with him.”

I look up at Gray. He gazes at me, his forehead pinching in confusion. I know what he’s thinking: that I’ve left with plenty of guys. “Okay, what’s the punch line? I’m not getting it.”

My bottom lip trembles as disgust rolls through me. “I… I fucked Nate Richards last night, Grayson. He was the guy I picked up and I didn’t just fuck him once. I did it multiple times,” I confess.

Gray’s silence is deafening. His grip around me tightens, and he curses under his breath.

I knew it. This is bad. Stress eats at my insides, causing cramps to shoot straight through me. “God,” I moan. “I’m such a disaster.”

“No, you’re not,” he says firmly. “I’ll fix this. I’ll talk with Nate. It’s going to be fine. But damn, Kylie, out of all the men in the world, you had to choose that piece of shit? I work with the guy, and he’s an ass.”

Of course I choose the man I shouldn’t. That’s my life. I’m always doing something that causes some sort of a problem. “I didn’t know. He was charming. He seemed sweet last night.”

He groans and stiffens. “He’s not sweet. He’s someone you don’t want to get involved with. Look, don’t stress, okay? I’ll fix this. This won’t affect Cooper or the business. You know I’ve got you.”

I nod and inhale Gray’s cologne and woodsy scent. He soothes me, makes me feel better. He’s always there when I need him, always ready to rescue me from myself. He’s a great guy, and the best friend a girl could have.

“All right, chin up. We need to get the hell out of here. I’ll make a call and get Calia a flight home. I’ll let Coop know you’re flying out with me. No more of this. Let’s just go home.” His tone is final, which works for me.

I have no intention of staying here and waiting for Cooper to come back. Yeah, I might be running, but oh well. I push off of Gray, sit up, and cross my legs, looking at him.

When our gazes connect, he smiles, eyes crinkling at the sides, and shakes his head. I watch him sit up to kiss my cheek. His warm lips land against my cool skin, and a tingle wisps across my face. He pulls back, and I see so much love in his expression. He places a finger under my chin. The moment turns intimate, and a shiver sneaks down my body as his aqua eyes glisten with affection.

“You know you’ll always have me no matter what happens, but you don’t have to keep this up anymore. You don’t need these men. They’ll never fill the void you’re trying to make go away. I know Cooper’s shutting you out, but no more of this.” The pad of his thumb caresses my cheek and my eyes close. “It doesn’t have to be like this anymore, sweet cheeks. It can change if you want it to. You just have to want it to be different. Not for Cooper, but for you. You’re worth it, Kylie.”

I open my eyes and stare into his, feeling my heart pick up speed.

“I don’t like all these men you use. Please, no more. If you need something, anything at all”—his eyes turn heated as his hands cup the nape of my neck—“just use me.”

I pull in a deep breath, almost a gasp. The way he’s looking at me, the way he cups my neck, feels very, very intimate. What he just said is laced with meaning. I don’t know what to do with this revelation. I glance down and fidget with my hands as he lets go of my neck.

“What does that mean?” He knows Coop and I have limits, boundaries, and I’m not sure what he’s trying to do.

“It means exactly what you think it means. I’m tired of seeing you suffering. I’m not standing by to watch it anymore. This was the last guy you used. I can’t… I just can’t hear or see it anymore. If you need something, need to feel something, come to me. I will take care of you. You know that.”

I look at him, my mouth ajar and face flushed. His brows lift, his face washed in sincerity. Everything about him is open and honest. He’s not embarrassed or uncomfortable. What the hell is he thinking?

“Jesus, what about Cooper?” I mutter, averting my eyes and getting off the bed.

“What about him?” His voice drops, and he gets up, moving toward me. “I know how you guys work. You’re both fucking each other over, but at the end of the day, he’s supposed to be your man.” He stops in front of me and pulls my chin up so I can meet his eyes. “I’m sorry, Ky, but I’ve been watching for so long. I can’t do it anymore. This bullshit, it has to stop. I’m tired of him; I’m tired of talking to him about you. I’m tired of trying to get him to wake up. If he can’t take care of his own wife, then maybe it’s time that someone who can, and who wants to, does so.”

“Grayson,” I whisper, my head reeling, “we have rules. Cooper and I have rules.”

“Fuck your rules. You’re damaging yourselves so badly that those stupid rules are irrelevant.” He takes a breath, his face littered with frustration. “Tell me, do you even remember what your golden rules are?”

Anger whips through me at the way he’s talking about Cooper and me. “Yes, of course I know what they are.”

“Remind me then.” His stare is unrelenting. He’s making a point.

I pull my face from his hand. “One: we never stay the night; we always come home. Two: We always use protection. Three: No fucking friends. Meaning you”—I point at him, my voice cracking—“and Calia are off limits.”

Hearing those stupid, disgusting rules breaks my heart. How did I become this? Why have I allowed this in my life? How could I have suggested this? I’m twenty-four, and my life’s a mess. God, my chest aches. I feel bruised inside, like a baseball bat has been taken to every organ. I can fault no one but myself. Self-loathing is a bad ass motherfucker, and right now, she’s kicking my ass.

He wraps me in his arms, sighing. “Be honest with yourself. Open your eyes, sweetness, and see your life, your actual life, for what it is. You’re not the same girl you used to be. You were so vibrant before all this.” His lips graze my head with a soft kiss. “I know losing Kayla was devastating, and I can’t imagine what you both felt, but this… this life? What you guys have created? It isn’t you. It just isn’t you.”

His words are tortured. He loves us, but I think the days of Gray standing by and watching us implode just expired.

“Look, Cooper’s been my friend for so long that I don’t even know my life without him. But in the last couple years, he’s become a different person. I can’t fix that. He needs to figure out his shit and man up. I’ve had enough of watching him let you down.”

I’m stunned that Gray is talking about Cooper like this. I open my mouth to defend my husband, but before I can get a word out he speaks again, low and serious.

“Don’t you dare. Don’t make excuses for him. I know you love him, but sometimes that’s not enough. You might not want to hear this, but I have to say it. He loves you and you love him, but maybe that’s not enough anymore. You’re putting yourself in situations that aren’t safe, with people you don’t know. I’ve always cared about you, Ky, but the time we’ve spent together has deepened that. You need to understand something.” He pulls back to look at me. “I’m not afraid of your rules. Cooper… he’s not getting it. It’s about time you put yourself first.”

He’s wrong. I’ve been putting myself first for a long time. That’s exactly what got me here. It needs to stop. I need to figure out why I’m so broken. But getting involved with Grayson is not the way to go. If I cross that boundary, my marriage won’t just be rocky—it would implode. Completely. Cooper would not only kill him, he would never look at me again. I’d be dead to him.

I step back and release a shaky breath. “I don’t know what to say. You know that we…” I flick my eyes to the other side of the room to collect my scattered thoughts.

Erasing the distance I just tried to put between us, he lifts my face to his. Our eyes connect, and my pulse—already wild—intensifies.

He looks straight through to the heart of me. “You don’t have to say anything right now. You don’t have to say anything ever. Just think about what I’m saying.” Gaze locked on mine, he places a tender kiss on my lips.

When he pulls back, he clears his throat and pulls out his phone. “All right, get packed. I’ll call the pilot and let him know we’re ready to leave.”

I nod numbly as he walks out of the room. I want to go home to my empty house. My empty bed. My empty life. I need some time away from everyone. I need to figure out what’s wrong with me. What happened to the girl with morals?

I close my eyes as all energy drains from my body. I slip to the ground, hugging my knees. I miss my life before Kayla died. Before all I felt was pain and hopelessness. Before all I saw was a nightmare. Before I shut down and started doing stupid things.

I need to find the girl I used to be, but I’m not sure she’s in there anymore. I’m not sure she’s strong enough to come back. Because coming back means feeling the loss of her baby and confronting the problems in her marriage. It means facing pain, fear, and guilt. That is so terrifying that living in a state of numbness and denial might just be easier.

I’ve been home for three days. Three long and lonely days.

Gray had dropped me off, kissed me on the cheek, and said, “Think about it.” His parting words were soft and loaded with emotion, leaving me confused.

Cooper had obviously stayed in Key West. I’ve made an effort to text him once a day, and I even tried to call, but he’s either ignoring my calls or too busy to pick up. Gray hasn’t called or checked on me. I think he’s giving me space. He knows me well. He knows I desperately needed a time out.

Today I thought about getting out of the house, but it’s so hot and humid outside that I don’t want to leave. So I decided to stay home, relax, and get some organizing done. I grab my iced coffee off the kitchen counter and walk to my home office. As I step inside, I try to gauge which disaster I should tackle first.

I’m a notoriously messy person. Every drawer and cabinet is piled with organized chaos. It drives Cooper insane, but we have a rule that my office is the one room he’s not allowed in. It’s mine and mine alone to do with what I please.

It’s become my home away from home. The rest of the house has always felt like a museum, but this room is homey, special. If I feel sad, tired, or lonely, I can come here, curl up with a book, and be completely myself without having to worry about or bother Cooper.

When I told Coop about my plans for the office and library, he rolled his eyes and said, “It’s just going to be another place for you to store your junk.” I laughed because he was right. I collect little trinkets, knickknacks, and books. He’s a minimalist, so the thought of having any of that shit makes him crazy.

But after a bit of remodeling I had a space that fit my personality perfectly. Big bookshelves were placed against the far side of the room. The walls were painted a silvery gray, and a gorgeous black desk sat right in the center with a comfortable white chair. The only pop of color in the room comes from a bright coral rug.

I have tons of framed pictures on the desk and others on the walls. Every single one contains a picture of Cooper and me. Some are of us kayaking or going to the beach, and others show us on the day we were married.

Every memory I have has Cooper in it. Every major moment in our relationship has been caught in a snapshot or on video. It’s a little weird that this room, my safe place, is nothing more than a shrine to our relationship. I must be a masochist.

I set the coffee on the desk and grab a stack of papers that have been sitting on my laptop forever. I boot up my Mac, open Spotify, and play some music to get me in the organizing mood. The sound of “Broken” by Secondhand Serenade plays, and I become perfectly numb, engrossed in sorting and shredding. Organizing things is very therapeutic. I find it helps to settle the soul.

My grandmother always said, “The state of your house is a direct reflection of the state of your heart.” Looking at my life, I’d have to agree. On the outside, it looks pretty, but in the drawers and cabinets, it’s filled with secrets and pushed-down memories, tucked deeply into the recesses of every space. I have so many little cubbies in my heart and mind that are clouded with raging thoughts.

After organizing my desk, I move to the file cabinet and tackle the mountain of papers. A fast song thumps in the background, and I feel the need to dance. I’ve always loved dancing. As Britney starts crooning and the beat fills the air, I decide to have some fun. I toss my papers on the floor to deal with them later.

I giggle. “I swear, I’m a walking contradiction.”

Throwing caution out the window, I grab a pencil holder to use as a microphone. I close my eyes, getting into true Brit Brit style. I sway my hips and eventually drop my ass like it’s hot. My inner stripper comes out to play. I move against any object in sight without a care in the world, singing in my fake microphone.

I put all my energy into it, getting rid of my pent up frustration. I feel free for just a moment. There’s something liberating about letting go, dropping the act, and just being. I don’t think; I just feel. I feel the beat, the words, and the moment.

I get lost in my own world. I’m in the middle of shaking my ass when an eerie sensation slips up my back. Something’s behind me. I stop immediately, my heart picking up speed and my stomach clenching. I turn around slowly. I drop my fake mic and a shriek escapes my mouth.

Leaning against the door frame is Grayson with a big, unabashed smirk. Startled and embarrassed, I hide my face between my palms and groan.

“Oh my God, Grayson Walsh, can’t you knock?” I’m sure my face and body are as red as a tomato.

He chuckles, and all I want to do is crawl under my desk and die. I’m so embarrassed, I don’t know what to say.

“Were you having fun?” he asks, his voice rumbling with amusement. It sends goose bumps all the way up my burning body.

“Yeah, I was… you know…” My voice is unsteady, and I look around the room. I feel mortified.

Gray bursts out laughing, and when I see him laugh, I do too. I laugh so hard, I have to clutch my stomach. As our amusement dies down, I get a good look at him. His dark denim jeans clutch his thick hips. A white T-shirt spans his broad, ripped chest, and tattoos beam brightly from under each sleeve. Grayson’s all man. Thick, hard, big, and rugged.

I flip my eyes to his and his smile gets bigger. His shiny blue eyes stare back at me, causing my breath to falter. I can’t help but think that he’s absolutely stunning, and any woman would be lucky to have him. Gray’s one of the best guys I’ve ever known. He’s thoughtful, considerate, and playful. He knows when you need a friend, when to make you laugh. He works hard, but plays hard too. He’s an all-around great guy. A perfect catch for some unsuspecting girl.

“What are you doing here?” I ask with a hint of curiosity. “Did I leave the door unlocked?”

“Nope, I knocked.” He answers on a lopsided smile. “I saw your car in the driveway, but when you didn’t answer the door, I got worried. I used the spare key to make sure everything’s okay.” His smile turns playful. “But now I know what you do in your spare time. You’re quite the little dancer.”

I feel a blush creeping up my neck. “I’ve gotta let loose sometime.” I laugh. “Anyway… Did you make it home okay the other night?”

His brows quirk in mischief. “Ah, yeah. I didn’t die in a car crash or get robbed along the way, although I could have used your help getting tucked into bed after rushing out of Key West like it was on fire.”

I roll my eyes and grin. “Hardy har har, Grayson. Your attempt at humor is amazing.”

He chuckles, a tenderness taking over his features. “I’d do anything to see that beautiful smile.”

The room heats up as I stare into his eyes. We’re both silent for a second.

Then he asks, “Did he call you yet?”

“What? Who?”

“Your husband,” he states, his voice steady. “Did he call you?”

I pick up the pencil holder I was using as a mic and place it on my desk. I don’t want to answer that question. I’ve managed to put Cooper out of my mind all morning. Thoughts of him make me sad, and that aching pain comes back full force. I push the emotion off my face when I look back at Grayson.

He sees straight through my facade. “Hey, it’s okay. Don’t let him do this. I know it’s tough. I’m not going to excuse his behavior anymore. He’s being an ass.” He moves into the room. “Look, I was harsh the other day. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want things to get weird between us. I’m here for you no matter what. I want you to know that.”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.” I try to clear the lump lodged in my throat. The last thing I want to do is cry in front of Gray again.

“Kylie.” He places his fingers under my chin and tilts my face up. He gives me a minute to calm down and then smiles. “Why don’t we go out? Let’s do something today. It’s really hot. We could go for a swim or cook out. Whatever you want. Let’s just have a day without stress.”

God, he’s perfect.

He’s such a good guy… a nice guy who hates seeing the people he loves hurting. I don’t know how he ended up friends with a couple like us. A day out sounds nice. I’m tired of being alone.

“Are you sure? Don’t you have stuff to do?” I don’t want him throwing away plans to deal with me. He’s done that too many times already.

“Are you kidding? I wouldn’t ask if I wanted to be somewhere else.”

The thought of spending time with Gray sounds amazing. I sigh and wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly. He slips his large arms around me, and all thoughts of Cooper get tucked into the back of my mind. Today, I want to pretend. I want to pretend that my life isn’t a mess. I want to pretend I’m hanging out with an amazing man who happens to be my best friend. I want a break, and Gray’s the perfect escape.

“Okay, I’d love to go out. We can go to the lake house. I haven’t been in a while.” I step back and watch as a grins slides across his face.

His eyes skim down my body. “Are you going to get dressed, or are you going in that?”

I glance down, realizing I’m standing in a nightgown with no bra. “God, what is it with people walking in on me in lingerie? Between you and Cali…” I shake my head and walk out of the office.

“It’s that incredibly hot body of yours. It calls to the suckers,” he says.

“You’re crazy. I am pretty sexy, though.” I giggle, trying to make light of my current state of undress.

“Fuck yeah, you are,” he responds on a chuckle. “Super fucking sexy.”

That makes me flush. I’m flirting with danger. Something inside me is warning me that things with Gray are skimming the line between what Cooper can and can’t handle. As I swipe a summer dress off the hanger and a bathing suit from a drawer, I think of what Cooper’s doing. I see the blonde curled in his arms, plastered to his body, and my gut clenches. No, no Cooper today. Today, I’m going to swim, relax, and spend time with Gray.

If my husband wants me, he’s going to have to come get me.

We pull up to the lake house about an hour later, after making several stops to get food, liquor, and supplies. I grab some stuff out of the truck and tug my purse over the shoulder of my pink sundress. Cooper and I bought the lake house five years ago. It was meant to be a getaway house, a place for little honeymoons to keep our relationship intimate and spicy.

I remember the first time I saw it. I fell in love… unequivocally in love.

“What do you think?”

I tip my head, seeing Cooper’s smiling face. “I love it.”

“What do you love about it?” he asks, pulling my back flush against his broad chest.

I look at the house, enamored with everything about it. “I love the huge windows, the bright red door, and the wraparound porch.”

“What else?”

I flip my eyes up to his, a smile flirting on my lips. I point toward the right side of the front porch where a beautiful cedar swing hangs. “I love the swing.”

“I love that, too.” His tongue skirts across his mouth and he presses his hips into mine. “I love the thought of what we could do on that swing.”

I giggle, watching his eyes turn hazy. “And what could we possibly do there, Mr. Bailey?”

“I have several ideas, soon-to-be Mrs. Bailey. I also have several ideas of what we could do over there.”

My body warms as I look to where he points. “The willow trees?” Excitement flutters low in my gut.

“Mmmhmm, I’d love to watch you ride me naked under those trees.” He kisses my cheek and nibbles his way to my ear.

“What about the lake?” I whisper, my body burning for him. “Will you make love to me there too?”

“I’d make love to you wherever you’d let me.” His green eyes are filled with love and admiration.

“Does that mean we can have it?”

“Baby, you can have anything you want. If you want this, consider it sold.” He grins and places a kiss on my forehead.

I look back at the house, feeling as though my life’s just beginning. This is a great place to start. A honeymoon house with the love of my life.

It was our place. One that, at the time, I felt was built just for us. I knew we’d be here a lot. The love we’d share in this house would be filled with memories we’d take to our graves.

Little did I know that some of our most painful memories would take place here too.

Gray comes up behind me and swings an arm around my shoulder. I look at him, and he smiles brightly. I smile back and prep myself to go into the place I used to love, one that now holds a mountain of memories I’d rather forget.

“You ready to head in?” he asks.

Trepidation skips through me. “Yeah, I’m ready.” Wanting to come here strikes me as insane. I seem to like putting myself in intensely painful situations.

We head toward the house. I inhale a shaky breath, put the stuff I’m holding down, and grab my keys from my purse. With sweat pebbling between my fingers tips and nerves whipping through me, I grab the cool doorknob, and twist, swinging it open.

“What the fuck happened here?” Grayson asks, startled.

I take in the living room and my heart breaks. It’s the way we left it.

Picture frames are shattered, and pillows are strewn all over. Broken plates cover the dining room table, and beside the sofa two lamps are turned over. The place is a wreck, absolute mayhem. Panic sets in as I close my eyes.

The last time Cooper and I were here, Kayla had been dead for six months.

We were struggling. Not only in our marriage, but in life. We were working nonstop, using it as a way to stay clear of each other. It had taken its toll on us emotionally and physically. The last time we had been intimate was before she had passed. I needed sex from my husband. It was the way we connected, became one. I had tried to be sensitive of his feelings. I knew I had hurt him by not attending the funeral. I had pushed him away. So I had been giving him space.

But that space had turned into mountains, and those mountains were turning into canyons. My entire being, the very center of who I was, was crying out for him. He was my air, and for months I had been deprived. I needed to do something. I needed to find a way to tell him I was sorry, so I suggested a weekend at the lake house. He was hesitant at first but saw the desperation in my eyes, and he eventually agreed.

What was my last ditch effort—an attempt at a reconciliation I’d hoped would spur us forward—turned into the closing hammer that’d demolished my world.

We pull up to the lake house, and excitement soars in me. We sit in the car, and Cooper looks as though he’s contemplating something. His golden hair is tussled, and his tanned skin shines in the sunlight. Gently, I place my hand on his thigh. He looks over and smiles weakly. It looks as though he’s trying to feel the same excitement I do, but he’s failing.

I tuck down my disappointment and force a smile. “Are you okay?”

A knot of tension sparks in his eyes. “Yeah, of course.”

“Hey, let’s just try to relax.” I say, feeling the anxiety rolling off of him. “I just want to spend time with you. That’s it.”

His Adam’s apple moves as he swallows roughly. “Of course, baby. I do too. Let’s go.” He doesn’t meet my gaze as he takes the keys out of the ignition and gets out.

I release a breath as I watch him step out of the car. This will be good. We need this. I chant this to myself as I step out and the warm air wraps its arms around me.

Cooper grabs our bags and nods toward the door. I follow him, waiting for him to unlock and open it. I go straight to the back windows overlooking the iridescent lake. I sigh, reveling in the tranquility that rises from the shallow ripples. It’s always brought me a sense of peace. Coop closes the door and moves into the bedroom to set down our stuff.

A moment later, he strolls into the living room and asks, “Are you hungry?”

I turn toward him and offer a small smile. “Yeah, are you?”

As if on cue, his stomach grumbles, making us laugh. “Can you tell?” He points toward the offending noise and quirks a brow. “Do you want to cook? I brought stuff to make our favorite pizza.”

I feel a lick of fire shoot from my heart through my body. He thought of cooking with me. Yes, it’s a simple thing couples do all the time. But we haven’t spent any time together in months, and even something this small gives me hope.

I miss him. I’ve missed every single thing about him. My eyes trail lazily down the valleys and peaks of his body, of their own volition. I crave him: his heat, his warmth. I crave the touch of my lover, friend, and soul mate.

I haven’t just missed him. I’ve been dying, reaching out for my missing half, the key to my existence.

As my eyes explore him I note some changes. Cooper’s always been incredibly sexy, but as he’s grown into an adult, he’s aged like a fine wine. His emerald eyes were one of the first things that slayed me. They’re so piercing, it’s as if he can see into every corner of my soul. His rumpled hair, the color of which reminds me of champagne, lays scattered across his forehead and arches along his ears. Its sexy, just fucked look sets my skin aflame. I notice he’s been working out more since Kayla died, and it shows in the heavy lines of his arms and the bunched, corded muscles of his chest and abs. His body is broader, thicker, heavier. It makes my mouth water and my fingers itch to touch. I’m so busy lusting after him that his husky voice startles me.

“You’re staring, Kylie. What are you thinking?”

I look up, embarrassed at being caught. My body, which is hot, gets hotter when I catch a glimmer of lust in his eyes. He knows I want to fuck him.

“There’s no rush, you know?” he says. “Let’s hang out, spend time together, and cook some of my world famous pizza.” He winks and smiles, turning into the kitchen.

I sigh and look at the ceiling. I try to remind myself that we’ll be okay and it’ll happen. There’s no rush. We can take our time. Dinner first. Shaking off the haze of lust, I follow Cooper for some cooking fun.

Two hours later, we sit next to each other, candles lit, pizza and wine served. We chat about everything, from work to Cooper and Grayson’s latest hobby–fishing—to my out-of-control shoe addiction. We laugh and smile, flirt and tease. And while it’s comfortable, some moments seem awkward.

He’s still tender and sweet, but he holds back from me. I see it in his tentative touches and shortened gazes. He’s trying, but he’s not giving me everything. He seems to be struggling with himself. I try not to put too much thought into it and just accept things the way they are, but it hurts. I feel my stomach sink every time he turns his eyes from mine during an intimate moment. I want my husband back. I want the happy-go-lucky guy who couldn’t keep his hands off me. I try to shove the hurt back and just savor my time with him.

“Hey, Kylie, you still here?” he asks, placing his hand over mine.

I’d been so lost in thoughts of us that I missed the last half of the conversation. I look at Coop, my mind all over the place, and feel my heart tumble. I can’t hold back anymore. “I’m sorry, I’ve just really missed you.”

He’s quiet for a moment. Nervous tension cartwheels through me at the pensive look on his face. “Yeah, things have been rough.” His voice swims with remorse as his eyes meet mine. “I’ve missed you too, baby.”

“You have?” My pulse stutters with his confession.

“Yeah, I have.”

“It’s been a long time.”

“I know,” he admits, averting his eyes out the windows to the lake.

“Why?”

His forehead creases at my question. “I don’t know.”

“I need you, Cooper. Please.” Desperation unleashes inside me. I just want a kiss, a touch… anything.

His chest lurches, and he swallows, bringing his eyes back to mine. “Then come here, sweet girl.”

I stand, my chair scraping the floor, and move into his waiting arms. He cradles me in his lap while I bury my face in his neck, inhaling his scent. My heart claws from my chest. Every cell inside me celebrates this homecoming. He is the only man I’ve ever loved, the only man I’ve ever allowed inside my body and my heart. I’ve carried his child within me, and the love I feel for him is interwoven with my very identity.

Without him, I’m nothing.

The last couple of months have been hell. Not only did half my heart die with my baby, the other half died with Cooper. I’ve withered, and my last petal is ready to drop. I stay curled in his lap, not realizing that tears are running unchecked down my face.

My husband’s here… with me. I’m in his arms. He missed me.

“Kylie, baby, can you look at me for a minute?” he whispers, pulling my attention to his.

I remove myself from the hollow of his neck and look into two dark pools of raw sadness. He grasps my face and leans forward, skimming his lips against mine. I almost break when I feel his tongue pass softly across my bottom lip.

I swear, if I died in this exact moment, I’d be okay.

I open my mouth, and he slips inside, caressing my tongue with his. I groan and cling to him as he weaves his fingers through my hair. The kiss is sweet and sinful, igniting a fire inside me. I feel the primal groan that rumbles from his chest all the way to my pussy. I twist in his lap until I’m straddling him, and I feather my fingers through his hair, holding on for dear life.

The kiss becomes desperate, rough. I grind against him. That gets another deep, dark growl, and his hands move from my hair to my hips. He urges me to move against him. I feel his cock, hard and thick, straining against his jeans.

Tingles explode. I want him so badly, he’s the only thing my brain registers. Breaking the kiss, I pull back and look at him. “Please. Please, I need to feel you.”

He groans, his eyes closing, and I watch him expel several labored breaths. When he opens his eyes, a flicker of apprehension in them sears me. My pulse trips and falters. I watch him struggle with something that’s beyond me.

I yearn for his touch. My need is so strong. He can’t ignore it. “I love you,” I whisper, desperate to give him whatever reassurance he needs.

His body trembles, and his eyes fill with tears. “I love you too, always.”

“Then please, please, Cooper.”

He leans forward and kisses me again. I feel his breath, fast and raspy. He stands and grips my ass. I wrap my legs around him, hope running wild, while he carries me to the sofa and lays me down gently. My heart thrashes violently. Our heavy gasps fill the room as basic need and a different kind of tension coil through the air. I hold my breath and lay mesmerized as he, ever so slowly, drags his shirt over his head.

I tremble, nerves prickling my body like millions of tiny needles. I need him.

He gets to his knees, sitting me up. He grips the hem of my blouse and stills, rubbing his nose on mine. I feel the tickle of kisses as he trails them along my cheek to my ear.

“I’m going to take my time,” he whispers. “I want to love you properly.”

I can barely tame the fierce trembling of my body as I nod. He pulls back, looking at me tenderly, and drags off my blouse. I watch as his fingers move to the clasp of my bra. His eyes flick to mine, then back to my chest as he unhooks it and sweeps it off my shoulders. My chest rises and falls, the moment so intense, so full of emotion, that a tear sneaks its way out the corner of my eye. His hands trail up and around my breasts. He groans, making my blood pound forcefully. I begin to sweat from pure need.

Raw, untamed, and unbridled need.

I pant, completely vulnerable and needy. “Please.”

His eyes flash to mine. He pushes me back and undoes the button on my jeans. His eyes burn into mine as lust and hunger ooze off him. His hands slide up my hips and grip the edge of my jeans and thong, dragging them down inch by inch.

Eyes, no longer trained on mine, now linger on my pussy. His breathing intensifies. My hips move of their own accord, silently begging him for more. His hands stroke from my ankles, slowly moving up my legs to my thighs. He stops short of where I need him most. I shut my eyes, urging myself to be patient. I take a deep, calming breath just as I feel pillow-soft lips land at the center of my pubic bone.

Everything in me stills. Completely.

My world tilts and turns as he drags his mouth lower and lower. I can’t breathe, think, or move for fear he’ll stop. I shiver, adrenaline accosting my frame. His lips graze my cleft, his fingers part my folds gently, and his tongue flicks my clit. I cry out, breathless and overwhelmed by the feelings flooding my body in waves so rough they are drowning out every conscious thought.

It’s been almost seven months since we’ve had sex. Since we’ve had any intimacy at all.

“Cooper. God, Cooper,” I moan, unable to contain the ecstasy.

His head lifts. “I’ve missed you, Kylie. Nothing’s as good as this. Feeling you, feeling what belongs to me. It’s been too long. You taste even better than I remember, baby.”

His eyes glisten like the sun reflecting off a shiny surface, slicing right through me. I want him inside me. I want his cock to fuck me so deep that every anxious, broken, and tormented thought I’ve had over the last six months disappears.

“Cooper, come closer please,” I beg.

“No, not yet. I need to see you come” he says. “I need to feel you let go. I need to taste it. We have time. I don’t want to rush this. Please.”

I nod, but I can’t stop pleading. “Okay, but please…” I can’t get the rest out.

His finger grazes my clit in intoxicating circles, sending me straight to heaven. He pushes his tongue into my core, putting pressure on the tender nub. Fast, hot, blinding heat ignites so fiercely within me that my orgasm strikes without warning. I cry out his name as tears slip from my eyes.

I feel euphoric, blissful, and sated from my Cooper-induced high. I crack my eyes open, catching his lazy grin. My heart falters. My breath catches.

He stands up and strips off his pants and boxers. I freeze. Is this really happening? My body, already burning, hums with renewed excitement. I stare as he turns around, his cock jutting out as hard as lead.

Oh, God. I bite my lip, drawing blood. I’m so lucky to have a husband with a body like his. I crook a finger, urging him closer. I reach for his hand, pulling his body tightly against mine.

His face hovers close, his chest brushing my breasts. “I’ve missed you so much, baby. I know we’ve been having a hard time, but it’s not you. It’s never you. I need you to know that.”

I want to respond, but the feel of his cock sliding through my wet folds and teasing my entrance stops me. He pulls back, and his eyes hold mine prisoner as his heart captures my soul.

“I love you,” I whisper, every feeling, thought and emotion laid bare before him.

“I love you too, always.” He lays his forehead against mine. “There’s never a moment I don’t. Please, I need you to understand that.”

Closing my eyes, I snuggle deep into the crook of his neck, savoring his skin, his body, his essence. I breathe him in, letting his scent swirl through me. I accept the love he’s giving me and bury the sadness that has threatened to overtake me for the last six months.

He’s here. With me. As close as he can get. It gives me comfort. It renews my mind to fight another day. To somehow find the strength to make it through when my heart is too heavy to continue.

He groans as he grinds against me, slowly sliding up and down my wet pussy. “Jesus, you’re wet.”

The tip of his cock nudges my entrance, and I spread my legs as wide as they can go, welcoming my missing half. He slides in an inch, and my body pitches with satisfaction. He stills, and I give him a minute to get himself under control.

After a second, I try to pull him closer, but he resists. I feel him get clammier with every moment. My heart jerks wildly as a feeling of dread perches low in my gut. He’s rigid under my fingertips, sweat beading on the back of his neck. His breathing is rapid, almost tortured, and before I can wrap my head around what’s going on, he pulls out of me completely.

I gasp, my head spinning, and grab his face before he can move off me. “Hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“Jesus,” he mutters, pushing my hands away and sitting up. “Fucking Christ!”

“What? What’s wrong? Tell me.”

“I can’t… I’m sorry. I can’t…” He pulls his head down in his hands.

“What? What can’t you do? Tell me.”

He lifts his head, pain dotting his eyes. A tear slips down his cheek before he swipes his hand roughly across it. I’m horrified at how tormented he seems. I try to read into what’s causing his pain, but he reins himself in.

“It’s not you, okay? I love you so much. I want you to understand it’s not you.” He swipes his hands through his hair. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“What?” I feel as if the floor has fallen out from under me. Like an earthquake has just sliced open the ground I’m standing on.

He shakes himself off, blows out a breath, and hits me with eyes full of remorse. “I didn’t think. I’m sorry. I didn’t bring condoms.”

“I don’t understand.” I pull my legs away from him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his face falling.

“I don’t understand,” I scream, on my way to a full meltdown. “What does that have to do with it, Cooper? We’ve never used a condom. Never. Not once since we’ve been together.”

My head can’t wrap around what he’s telling me. We’ve never, in all the years we’ve been together, used a condom. I’ve always been on birth control, until we decided to get pregnant. His sudden concern about condoms makes no sense. My mind is reeling, and my emotions are a mixture of overpowering hurt, rejection, and anger. All three course so thickly through my veins that I feel as if the blood flow to my heart will stop. I start to cry.

I don’t understand him. He’s hurting me. I grimace as I pull my legs tighter to my body, hiding my nakedness.

“Baby…” His voice breaks, and the pain in it pulls my eyes to his. “Don’t cry. Look, I know we haven’t used one before, but I can’t do it without one right now. I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”

“I don’t understand.” I sob, hurt pounding through me. “I don’t understand. Please, tell me the real reason. Tell me what’s going on. It’s more than condoms.”

I watch his face carefully, searching for anything that would indicate he’s lying. It can’t be condoms…

His eyes close. “I’m sorry, Ky. I can’t do it. I can’t take… I can’t take the risk of you getting pregnant.”

My pulse roars so ferociously that all I hear is a thick, fast whooshing in my ears. I look at him with tears falling down my face. “What did you just say? Please, tell me I didn’t hear what I think I did.”

I feel rejected. Unwanted. Unloved.

Part of me understands what he just said, but I can’t see it through the cloud of rejection. I don’t believe his excuse. He doesn’t understand that I need him. It’s more than sex. He’s pushing me away, and it’s killing me. He’s killing our marriage. I need more from him.

Suddenly, I’m so angry that I move off the sofa at lightning speed, grabbing my blouse and panties. Unfuckingbelievable.

“No! No! No, wait, Kylie.” Cooper gets off the sofa and comes after me.

I feel him grab my arm as I reach for my jeans. Anger thickens in my veins, licking the space around me. “Don’t!”

“Kylie,” he pleads, still grasping me.

“Don’t you Kylie me!” I whip around on him. “Don’t you dare, Cooper! You know I get the shot. This is just another shitty excuse to push me away.” I yank my arm from him, throwing on my jeans and buttoning them.

“Baby, Kylie, please. Don’t do this. My head, it’s fucked up. I’m fucked up. I need time. Just give me some time. It’s going to get better, I promise. Just a bit more time.” His voice cracks on every other word.

I can’t see anything but the haze of pain suffocating me. “So what? You can’t fuck your own wife without a condom now? Because, that, Cooper, is the lowest blow I have ever received. Do you hear me? Are you fucking hearing me?” I slam my fists against my chest. The girl I used to be is disappearing like vapor. I drop my hands and look at him, a desolate sob escaping my throat.

I see remorse and anguish on his face. I hate seeing him in pain. It cripples me. But I need more. He’s the other half to my soul, and I can’t live without him. I want to lash out. I need him to understand how deep my pain goes.

I whisper, letting my pent-up torment drip into every word, “Do you know what you just did to me? You just took your wife and broke her. You broke me, Cooper.” Tears drip down my nose, my breathing uncontrolled.

Cooper just stands there, his body tight with tension. The veins in his neck bulge as he tries to hold himself together.

He’s naked. Lost. Tortured. Broken.

My entire body screams for me to wrap my arms around him, to try to soothe him. But what he just did to me is choking out the beat of my heart, making it nonexistent. I can’t do this.

“I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve been patient,” I say. “I screwed up. I didn’t go to her funeral. I know what that did to you. I get it, Cooper,” I cry, brokenly. “I get it. I fucking get it.”

“Kylie,” he says, “that’s not it.”

I shake my head and pin my gaze directly on his tortured eyes. “You can’t hold back from me. It’s killing me. You are killing me.”

“Baby,” he whispers, “please, I love you. It’s not you.”

“Stop. I need to say this and you need to hear it.” I pause, looking at him. “When we lost her… when she left my body, I was at my lowest. I was at the lowest point in my life. All I saw was her death, and I couldn’t comfort you. I had nothing left inside me to give you.” All my rage leaves me as I yearn for the child who was stolen from me. “She was everything to me. Without her I couldn’t breathe, my chest felt like it was going to catch on fire. I couldn’t eat, my insides felt like they were being pulled from my fucking guts. I couldn’t see, my eyes were swollen from crying so much. I couldn’t help it. Her loss devastated me. I lost my hope to go on.” My heart breaks. I feel shattered without my child, but without my husband, I feel completely lost. “Even though I was in pain, I loved you. I might not have shown it, but I did. I got through it because at the end of the day when I closed my eyes, I saw you. I can’t change the past, I can’t change what I did, but you held me together. Now I don’t know. I don’t know anything, anymore.”

I feel my body crumble. I slide to the floor and clutch my hands behind my head, pulling it down. I can’t breathe. I feel as though we’ve crossed another line. We’re further apart than we were this morning. My entire world, already demolished by the loss of my precious baby, is being crushed by the weight of life. It’s smothering me.

I glance up at him. We’re both too overcome by our own pain, problems, and grief to help each other. We’re fighting our own battles.

Cooper’s body trembles as he drops to his knees in the middle of the living room, and a cry explodes from his chest.

He’s struggling. Barely hanging on.

He swallows hard, bringing his eyes to mine. “Baby,” he chokes, hoarsely. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need. I want to. God, you have no idea how much it hurts me to see you like this. It’s just… I have some things going on that I can’t talk about right now. Please, just give us time.”

My eyes close as my heart rejects his words. I’m tired, but I want to feel him one last time before I leave. So I walk over to him and curl myself in his lap.

In his arms, I cry…

I cry for every moment of loss and pain. I cry for our child. The child who became the center of my world. The one I didn’t even get a minute to cherish. I cry for letting him down and the way our relationship now stands. I sob until the tears run out. Then I get up, my body exhausted, and turn to get my stuff and leave.

As I’m exiting the room, I glance back. “I’m sorry I let you down.” My voice is numb, my body detached. “I knew when you came home after the funeral that I was wrong. I knew I needed to fix things, but you’ve shut me out every day since. I love you with all my heart, with every bone in my body, but I won’t let you hurt us like this. I need you. I need something to ease this ache. I don’t know how to fix us. But something has to change. Maybe we need a break, I don’t know. Time to figure out how to heal, how to be with each other without breaking our hearts. You need time, and that’s fine. I need to figure myself out, so I guess I need time too.”

I walk out of the living room, not allowing him to respond, feeling as if I’ve left my heart behind. I enter the bedroom, slam the door, and sink to the floor. With no tears left in my body, I tremble violently as cold seeps into every part of my soul.

I hear Cooper sobbing. Then things break and glass shatters. A loud, dark bellow penetrates the air, so guttural and soul piercing that I begin to heave.

I know in this moment that we’re fucked. Our lives are fucked. We’re too tortured to face these problems. Our hearts aren’t just broken—they’re shattered, the splintered pieces never to be whole again.

Shaken up, I come back to reality and find that I am curled on the sofa with Grayson trying to console me. I’m sure he thinks I’ve lost my mind. He’s bundled me in a throw and is running his hand gently through my hair.

“What happened, Ky? You blanked and almost passed out.”

“I’m sorry,” I mummer, trying to regain my composure.

“What’s going on? You want to tell me what happened? The house is a wreck.”

“Not really,” I whisper.

He searches my face, as if contemplating whether to push the issue. I can tell he wants to dig deeper to make it go away. That’s just him. He’s a fixer. But I don’t want to talk. My stomach flips at the intensity with which he’s looking at me.

I noticed a change with Gray in Key West. He wants more, wants to be more, and that’s unnerving. Being here, in this house, reminds me of Cooper. I don’t want to damage my marriage any more than I already have. I love Gray, but I should be careful. I’m confused by him, by his willingness to hurt his best friend. Did something happen with him and Coop? Has their friendship taken a turn I don’t know about? Something feels off…

The light in his aqua eyes shows me his feelings run deeper than I care to see or even think about.

He smiles. “Okay, I won’t push. We can have this conversation later. Let’s just relax and have some fun. I want you to sit tight and let me clean up.”

“I’m sorry, Grayson,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t have brought you here. I don’t know what I was thinking. I assumed it would be cleaned up. We can just leave. Why don’t we go someplace else?” God, I’m embarrassed.

“Kylie.”

The way he says my name—low, almost in warning—catches me off guard.

“Don’t do that. Don’t ever hide anything from me. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’m all over the place. I don’t know anymore.” And I don’t.

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I feel as though I’m floating on a life raft, but the damn raft has sprung a leak. I’m sinking, desperately trying to scoop out water, but with every man and every day, I’m descending further.

Gray takes a deep breath and sits beside me. He grabs my hands and lays them on his chest. “Listen to me. You’ve been through so much shit. I know you’re trying to work it out, but I don’t want you holding back from me. Ever. We’re friends. I think what I said to you in the Keys has made you feel uncomfortable, maybe even a little unsure of us. But nothing has to change, sweet cheeks… unless you want it to. I don’t expect anything from you. I just want my open, candid Kylie back.”

A smile tugs at my lips. He’s always unconditional. He never makes me feel like less. He always tries to find ways to make me feel good and relaxed. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him. “Thank you for always being here for me.”

“There’s nowhere else I want to be, Ky,” he murmurs into my hair. We hug for a minute, then he pulls back. “Okay, you rest.” He points at himself and grins. “And I’ll clean.”

I giggle at his goofball expression. “Well, that’s a first. You, cleaning…”

His eyes flash with mirth. “First and last.”

“I’m going to take a picture of this,” I taunt, laughing.

“I love that sound.” His face softens.

“What sound?”

“You laughing. It’s music to my ears.”

I avert my eyes and hear his soft chuckle as he walks into the kitchen. I lay back against the sofa, closing my eyes. I’ll use the time alone to purge the anxious thoughts that remain deep in my belly. I just want to have fun.

Maybe, just for today, I should let go and just be. Maybe I can be happy and carefree without doing anything toxic. Just be normal for a day.

The sun beats down on us as Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” croons in the background. We’re on the deck with the grill open and steaks sizzling. It feels good, calm, and almost blissful. There’s nothing like a beautiful day at the lake.

I glance at Gray, zoning in on his black licorice-colored hair and toned back. I watch him lift the spatula to flip something, and his muscles showcase how ripped and rugged he is. I swallow hard, my face flushing, and peer at the tattoo on his back. It’s a black tribal inspired cross.

The design is so delicate and intricate, I have the urge to trace it with my fingers. My eyes travel from his back to half-sleeve tattoos. They begin at his shoulder blades and dance to his elbows. The deep red, burnt orange and black swirls, create a design of thick flames that lick up the sides of his arms. They stand out against the sun kissed hue of his skin. His body is divine, a work of art, and watching him stand around shirtless feels dangerous. But I continue my seductive sweep of his body, landing on his plump, tight ass.

Mmm…

I should stop staring, but I can’t. His thighs are thick, firm, and I can picture him standing in front of that grill naked. I feel my arousal simmer, and I internally slap myself. I flip my eyes to the crystal blue water. What the hell am I doing? This is Gray… He’s just Gray.

Feeling irritated with myself for looking at him, I decide to go for a swim to cool my raging libido. “Hey, how long before the food’s ready?”

“Another twenty, I think.” Beer in hand, he turns to me with a lazy smile. “It’s hot out here. I’m surprised.”

“Yeah, it’s really hot. I think I’m going to take a quick dip.” I point at the lake and stand.

“It’s going to be cold,” he warns.

“Ah, I’ll make it.” I wink and saunter off the deck.

When I get to the edge of the water, I shrug out of my sundress, leaving me in a black bikini adorned with turquoise gems. I dip my foot in the water and trudge in slowly. It feels good, which is surprising. Once it reaches my stomach, I take a deep breath and dive. I swim out farther into the lake. The sun is warm against my face as I float and close my eyes. My thoughts meander to Cooper.

I miss my husband.

I wonder if he’s still with Blondie, kissing her neck or holding her hand. I wonder if they stayed together after I left. That thought hurts. How many times have they had sex? As quickly as that thought floats in, I shut it down. I can’t think about Cooper with other women.

I open my eyes and look at the clear blue sky, trying to recall the last good time we had. The last time he touched me lovingly or kissed my neck or whispered in my ear. What was the last moment we shared that left me happy? When was the last time he looked at me as though I was his world?

I honestly don’t know…

I’m not sure how long I sit lost in thought, but eventually I hear a whistle. I smile, knowing that’s Grayson’s way of saying lunch is ready. I swim back to shore, get out, and grab my dress. As I head for the house, I notice him standing on the deck with both hands on the railing. Our eyes connect, then his leave mine and trail a path down my body. My heart thuds when they linger on my breasts.

What is he doing?

He swallows and skips his gaze down my length again, landing on the V of my bikini. Heat rises from my cool, waterlogged skin. After a couple of seconds, he continues his leisurely perusal down my legs.

He’s taking me in, every curve and bow of my figure. Heat prickles through me hard and fast. The way he’s looking at me… it’s as if he wants to eat me for lunch. And while that’s arousing, it’s also extremely intimidating. Gray’s never looked at me like this. It’s startling.

His body is tense. I know him well enough to know he’s holding back. His body tells me that if he could, he’d sweep me off my feet and make love to me right here.

My pulse races as if I’m sprinting the hundred-meter dash. What’s happening with us? Why is he doing this now? I’ve always noticed he was sexy, but I never allowed myself to go there. He’s off limits.

But with that look on his face and the way he seems to be struggling with his attraction to me… It’s becoming difficult. The lines are blurring. I reach the deck stairs and take them to the top.

Once there, Gray looks down and grunts. “I’ll be right back.” He laughs, then shakes his head and adjusts himself.

Oh God… I stare at his retreating form almost in shock. I can’t believe this. I’m turned on. Why am I turned on? Why does it feel so good to have his attention?

A moment later, he strides back out carrying two beers. Cheeks rosy, he doesn’t look at me at first but eventually lifts his eyes to mine and smirks. I laugh. It’s impossible not to. If he wasn’t so hot, that smirk would be incredibly corny.

“Grayson Walsh! What was that? Were you just eye fucking me?” I ask with a mixture of amusement and surprise.

He smiles a big goofy grin and sets the beers down on the table. “When? Right now?” He questions, innocently. I nod. “No. But on the deck, you bet your sexy ass I was.”

“Oh my God,” I groan in mock protest. “What the hell has gotten into you?”

His smile falls, hunger glazing over his eyes. “You, sweet cheeks have gotten into me, and you’ve gotten into me good.”

He’s serious. Is he making a play for me? I think he is.

Looking away, I start to freak out. Why do I feel drawn to him all of a sudden? Gray’s hot, but I can’t go there. In my heart, I know I can’t do that to Cooper. But does Cooper even care anymore? He’s not here. He’s never here. He’s always gone and God knows who he’s with.

I’m playing with knives. I can feel myself getting cut. Not once, but repeatedly. The truth is… when we start crossing boundaries, things get messy. Often times, one boundary leads to another and another, and before we know it, we’ve crossed so many that we’re screwed. Blurring the line with Gray would be trouble.

I can’t lose Cooper.

“Kylie.”

Gray’s voice is sharp, causing my head to jerk in his direction.

He sees it. Oh, he sees my panic attack. “It’s okay. I’ll tone it down. I’ll never do anything you’re uncomfortable with. Never. Come on,” he coaxes. “Let’s just eat before it gets cold.” He points at the food he set out.

I nod, swallowing a knot of anxiety, and throw on my dress. I’m not going to dangle myself in front of a starving man, which is exactly what Gray is. I’m nervous about the change between us. I’m uncomfortable not only with his feelings but with mine.

He’s already sitting when I get to the table. I take a seat, grab my silverware, and cut into my steak. Silence hangs in the air as we eat, avoiding each other’s eyes. The tension is thick and awkward.

He clears his throat. “So have you bought any more shoes lately?” He puts a bite of steak in his mouth and chews, looking at me.

“What?” I ask, taken aback by the random question.

“Shoes, Kylie. You know, those things you have a million pairs of and love? Have you picked up any new ones lately?” He’s trying to cut the tension.

I can’t help the confused giggle that escapes me. “What am I going to do with you?”

He smirks. “I don’t think you want to ask me that. You don’t want to know.”

I feel myself blush. “Yeah, I have. I just ordered a pair from Nordstrom’s.” I take a green bean and put it in my mouth, looking at him.

“Only one pair?” He sounds surprised.

I laugh. “Do you really care?”

“Honestly?” he asks, grinning. “I couldn’t care less about your shoes, but someone needed to do something about this.” He gestures between us.

“Yeah, I guess it got a bit awkward,” I murmur, my face turning crimson.

“A bit?” He quirks a brow and releases a chuckle. “I’d say a lot, but let’s move past it. Why only one pair? That seems tame for you.”

“Good Lord,” I groan, taking a bite of food with a grin. “I bought only one because they’re expensive. Cooper’s going to flip when he sees the bill for the month.” I sigh. “I overspent last month, which led to a whole discussion. I promised I would tone it down. So I picked one. The problem is…” I glance at him, a reckless smile forming on my face. “One pair cost as much as two. They were two grand.”

Grayson chokes on his steak. “Two grand on one pair of shoes? Holy shit!”

What Gray doesn’t get is this is another way of saying fuck you to Cooper. It’s another way of getting his attention. He doesn’t like me wasting money on shoes, but they make me feel good.

“Looking hot isn’t cheap.”

“Jesus Christ, that’s a rip off,” he mutters, grabbing his beer and taking a sip.

“No, it’s not,” I say. “You have cars and golf. I have shoes.” I grin, popping a piece of meat in my mouth. “I like looking pretty and feeling good, Gray. Shoes do that. They give me confidence.”

“Shoes do that?”

“Yeah, they do, and as Carrie Underwood would say, they make my legs look like a cool drink of water.” I wink.

That gets a full belly-rumbling laugh. He shakes his head. “Well if you’re happy then I’m happy. But trust me, your legs are sexy as shit. You don’t need the shoes.”

I smile at his comment and shake my head. After we finish eating, I sit back and debate how to ask a question that’s been on the tip of my tongue all afternoon.

“Spit it out,” he orders, placing his silverware on his plate.

I roll my eyes, my lips pursing playfully. “You know me too well.”

He says nothing, just keeps those aqua beauties trained on me.

“Have you talked to Nate yet?”

He stills and his demeanor changes instantly. “Yeah, I called him when I dropped you off.”

“And?”

“And what, Kylie? I told him he might be my business partner, but he’d better stay the fuck away from you. He told me he was aware you were married. He saw Cooper at the bar and didn’t think he had a problem sharing you.” He slams his fist on the table. I flinch, feeling my body quiver. “I told him that if he ever touched you again, I’d fuck him up, and make sure he’d never use his dick again.”

I swallow, taken by his level of anger. Nate must be bad to stir this kind of reaction from Gray. I think there’s something more between the two of them though. “What did he say to that?”

Gray flips his fire-filled eyes to mine, his brows arching. “Not one damn thing. He knows me too well to fuck with me. He’ll leave you alone. It’s not going to affect business,” he assures me. “He’s not the only one with a part in our company. I own fifty-one percent of the stock, which means that I get the say. So things are fine. But I’m telling you now, stay away from him. He’s a bastard, and the only reason I’m in business with him is because of my father. Otherwise, I’d have bought him out a while ago.”

I take a minute to digest every word he said. If Gray owns all the stock, why isn’t he the CEO? Why Nate? His perfectly square jaw works back and forth as he waits for me to respond. I decide to save my inquisition for later. He looks too aggravated.

“Okay, I’ll be careful. I’m going to get my life together, Gray. I need to.”

He shakes his head and rolls his shoulders, trying to relieve his stress. “I’m glad to hear that. You’re too good for all of this, anyway.”

I smile, not feeling as though I’m good enough for anything.

“I’m going to clear the table,” he says, grabbing plates. “Just relax.”

I watch him head inside, and walk to the deck railing, taking a minute to think. I’ve screwed up so many things in my life. And now Gray’s had to deal with Nate. It’s ridiculous. He shouldn’t have to deal with my messes. The thought of putting him in situations that stress or upset him makes my chest ache. He’s been so good to me, and all I’ve given him in return is a mess.

I’m mulling over life when I feel an arm wrap around my waist. I gasp and look up at Gray. He looks playful and naughty. Laughing, he lifts me off the floor and tosses me over his shoulder. The next thing I know we’re moving and moving fast.

“What the fuck? Put me down,” I screech.

That makes him laugh harder, and the heavy bounce in his step causes my nipples to brush his back. Electricity sparks and arousal stirs as I slap his ass repeatedly, feeling the taut, firm muscles bunch beneath my palms. He picks up speed while I yell for him to put me down.

Once we hit the water, I feel his pace slow. I’m about to demand he set me down when I become airborne and hit cold water. I splash my way to the surface, sputtering.

His arms wrap around me again. “Get ready!” He picks me up and dunks me under once more.

I come up gasping and flailing. “You asshole! What the hell was that for?”

“You were being moody.” He chuckles. “I had to do something to take you out of it.” His face is alight with playfulness, and I can’t stop the fire kindling inside me.

“I keep saying this, but what am I going to do with you, Grayson?” My eyes hold his. “I need to swim back and drop my dress.”

“Can I help you with that?” He licks his lips, heat coiling the space between us.

I don’t answer his question. I shoot him a narrowed, light hearted glare and swim to shore, dropping my sundress. As I stand at the edge of the water, I look out at Gray’s body. My tummy flutters, sending warmth trailing over my skin. The fact he’s here with me is not lost on me. I want to see him happy, loved, and taken care of. A small part of me wishes I could be that girl. The one who gives him everything.

He deserves that.

It makes me sad to think he’s wasting time on me. But I know the man Gray is. He’s pure to the core. He’d do anything and everything to see me happy.

He glances over his shoulder to see what’s taking me so long and I smile before heading back.

“What were you thinking about?” he whispers.

I shake my head, my smile small. “I don’t think you want to know what goes through my crazy mind.”

“Ah, that’s where you’re wrong.” He pulls me close. “I always want to know what’s going through that sexy head.”

My pulse flutters as I feel his body. I should pull away, but instead, I twine my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around his waist. This isn’t a friendly position, but I don’t want to fight his warmth. It’s been so long since I’ve felt more than just lust with a man. With Gray, it’s deeper. We have a friendship, and I like his arms around me, bringing the contentment I crave so badly. We’re stepping over boundaries, but as usual, my toxic self enjoys pushing limits. I just hope I don’t bring him down with me. Hands settling on my waist, his heated eyes connect with mine.

“What are we doing?” I ask, my voice unsteady.

“I don’t know. But I don’t want to stop.”

“We can’t, Gray. It isn’t right.”

“Maybe it isn’t, Ky. But I don’t care. You need someone to love you, and I want to be that guy.”

“Why now?” I ask.

“It’s not a question of why now, Kylie. I’ve wanted to be that guy for you for a while. I’ve just tried to be respectful of your boundaries. But the reasons to stay away from you don’t make sense. I shouldn’t be off limits. If anyone is equipped to take care of you, it’s me.”

“Gray…” His words settle deep in my gut, stirring an ache in my core. He makes me feel wanted. It’s wrong. I’ll never feel for him what I do for Cooper, but I need it. My soul is freezing and craves heat.

“You’re beautiful. Every time I look at you I fall a little more.”

“You can’t say stuff like that,” I whisper, my face heating from the compliment.

“It’s true. Every fucking word is true.” His voice is smooth like rich chocolate. He pulls me closer and buries his face in my neck.

He feels so good this close.

We’re asking for trouble. I know it; he knows it. But we ignore it. I shiver as I breathe in his scent, trying to infuse it deep inside me. I want to take the comfort he gives me and use it when I feel life crushing me. Something warm and wet slides against my neck, and I realize he’s licking a path to my ear. A groan slips from my mouth, my legs trembling with need.

“Jesus, you taste good,” he whispers.

I whimper. I should put a stop to this, but I can’t. When our eyes meet, all I see is desire and hunger. He looks at me in a way I haven’t seen, felt, or experienced in years. I want him. I shouldn’t, but I do. I want to feel loved, savored and cherished.

“Say it, Kylie. Ask me,” he pleads.

My mind and heart war with each other. One pleads for me to take the leap, the other begs me not to. “I’m scared. What about Coop?”

He puts a finger to my lips. “Don’t. He knows exactly where I stand when it comes to you.”

Confused but entranced, I’m unable to resist the lure of temptation. My heart wins out, seeking what it’s thirsty to find—affection. “Kiss me, please.”

“About damn time,” he breathes, eyes flashing with relief.

His hands trace my face, his palms warm. I close my eyes and spread my lips, wrapping my legs tighter. My desire calls out for him, asking for something it shouldn’t have. It begs for his caress along the most intimate parts of my body. Ones his eyes shouldn’t explore. I feel his breath, feather soft against my mouth, and hold still.

Anticipation runs wild.

Then his lips touch mine, making contact. They’re soft like the caress of satin. My body sparks. My closed heart cracks its eyes open after years of sleep. His tongue drags across my bottom lip and those sparks ignite. I pull his face closer, wanting more. He groans, and that groan sends a spiral of bliss through me. His tongue touches mine, and those ignited sparks flame. All of my thoughts are lost on Gray as I taste him for the first time.

God, he tastes sweet and addictive. Our tongues pass back and forth. Wetness seeps from my sex, an ache sidling in, causing my muscles below to clench.

Oh this is… I can’t finish the thought. It’s just too good.

We kiss for a minute longer, holding each other tight. Then he stops.

I open my eyes, catching his smiling ones. God, he’s amazing. Sexy, sweet… perfectly Gray. My heart buckles, falling into my stomach.

“Jesus, you’re incredible,” he says.

My face burns at the compliment, and shyness creeps in. As my eyes leave his, they catch something in the distance.

My heart stops. Completely stops. I stare at the blank face of my husband. He stands behind the deck with both hands braced against the railing, his eyes burning holes through the back of Grayson’s head. His face is unreadable, but his body language betrays him. His fists are coiled tight, his shoulders are stiff, and his chest is heaving.

He’s angry. Very fucking angry.

His eyes bounce to mine, imprisoning me. Behind their depths is a potent blend of anger, hurt, betrayal, and another fleeting emotion…

Yearning…

I see yearning in Cooper’s eyes. My body—already in shock—freezes. But my heart that had stopped beating a moment ago, slowly starts to pump.

My first instinct is to push Gray away. But I’m transfixed by the look in Cooper’s eyes. The reflection I see in them sets my heart aflame. I want to run to him, wrap my arms around him and whisper how sorry I am. But I don’t. Still fresh in my mind is the last time we were together and the last couple days he’s been ignoring my calls and texts. I feel the urge to taunt him—maybe even hurt him—take over.

I look at Gray and he goes rigid. He hasn’t realized that Coop’s standing on the deck but he sees the mixture of emotions that are smeared liberally across my face.

“Hey, whoa… what’s wrong?” he whispers.

“Nothing. Can I ask you something?” Don’t do it …

“Of course,” he says, bringing a palm to my cheek.

My heart constricts at the thought of what I’m about to do to this sweet man. “Can you kiss me again?” I ask, swallowing the guilt.

Surprise dances behind his eyes for a second, but is quickly replaced by hunger. He strokes his fingers across my cheek, weaving them through my hair to grip my neck. “I’d love nothing more.”

Oh God, why are you doing this?

My body tightens with what I’m about to do. I should stop it, but I’m powerless to the self-destruction that continues to rule my life. He moves his mouth toward mine, and I angle my face slightly, forcing my eyes open. I stare at my husband as I meet Gray’s lips. I kiss Gray with passion, fervor, and yearning, the way I wish I could kiss Cooper.

I never, not once, drop my eyes from his.

Everything in me bellows and claws. The broken part of my soul chants, “No, no, no! Please stop. Don’t do this!” But the fucked up part is cheering me on. Emotionally, I’m lost. My heart’s a mess, my conscience is destroyed, but the passion I see in Cooper’s emerald eyes as he watches me kiss his best friend bewitches me. The intensity of his anger, hurt, and longing blazes an inferno inside me, egging me on.

I slide my hands through Gray’s hair, deepening the kiss, and move up and down his body. I see Cooper register the movement. His heaving chest becomes out of control as he lets go of the deck railing and starts pacing. I see the torment seeping through him, creating a tornado that’s about to devour us all.

His pacing stops. He turns toward us, and an angry growl floats from his chest. It’s so loud that Gray releases me, startled. I push back, and my eyes spring with tears. I’ve gone too far. His breathing rapid, Gray turns toward the house. I see his body stiffen, bracing for a fight. He mutters a curse and looks at me with resignation and disappointment.

“Stay here, Kylie. Don’t come up there. Swim to shore and wait,” he orders, his voice gruff.

Before I can respond, he’s moving like a tiger to the house, ready to confront his prey. Cooper surges toward him at lightning speed. His fists are clenched, his face pained, and fear stirs inside me. My head becomes foggy, and my breathing becomes shallow. I feel as if I’m standing in quick sand, and fear is swallowing me whole.

What have I done?

I watch them yell at each other. Gray grabs Cooper’s shoulder, yanking him harshly, and Cooper swings and connects with Gray’s face. I want to scream, but I feel paralyzed. Gray roars, his hands shaking as he points toward the house. I can’t make out exactly what they’re saying, but I hear Cooper say, “Fuck you,” loud and clear.

Grayson stills, his body going completely taut. “Get inside the fucking house, Bailey. Don’t make me dismantle your ass in front of her.”

Oh God.

Cooper shifts his attention to me. I stand frozen to my spot. Pure hurt seeps off him, slamming and slicing through my chest. I start to cry, my heart breaking as he shakes his head and moves inside.

When they disappear from my sight, I swim to the shore. I get out and all the adrenaline gushing through me leaks at my feet. I sink to the soft grass and sob, gutted by my own dysfunction, by who I’ve turned out to be. I know I’m doing wrong, but the biting sting of Cooper’s rejection runs deep. The feeling so rampant it eats at my insides. The feeling of worthlessness is etched into who I am now.

I just hurt the two people I love most. I might have just ruined a friendship that’s spanned a lifetime. I should get up and confront the pain I’ve caused. I’m such a coward. A stupid, pathetic coward.

I cry for a while, trying to pull myself together. I’m going to make this right. No matter what’s going on with Cooper and me, or what’s happening between Gray and me, they can’t suffer. I’ll fix this. Scared or not, I need to confront it.

I sit up and swipe at my wet cheeks. I take a couple of deep breaths and stand. I’m afraid. Afraid of what they’ll say and what I might find inside. Once I reach the door, I open it and step inside the cool house. Complete silence greets me, along with thick tension. Goose bumps pepper my frame as I turn into the living room. My chest aches as I take in Gray and Coop. They sit on opposite sides of the room, not talking. The anger and frustration between them is palpable.

As I enter the room, Gray’s eyes find mine, and he smiles weakly. Cooper offers nothing, no acknowledgment of my presence at all. My throat tightens.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, tears welling in my eyes.

Gray stands, coming toward me quickly, and puts his hands on my face. One of his eyes is swollen. I suck in a devastated breath. My God. What have I done? Tears drip down my face as I look into eyes that show nothing but affection. There’s not even a hint of anger over what I’ve just done.

Grayson…

“Shh… It’s okay.” He uses his thumbs to wipe my tears, stroking the sides of my face. “It’s going to be okay. I’ve got you, remember?”

“My life gets worse by the minute,” Cooper mutters, the ache of defeat clear in his tone.

I flick my eyes to him and notice he’s looking at the door. He’s getting ready to leave. No way, I can’t let him. We need to talk.

“Cooper,” I plead, my pitch rising slightly with my panic.

“What?” he snaps, whipping his head toward me.

“Don’t leave. We need to talk.” I move my eyes back to Gray, begging, pleading for privacy.

His face hardens, but reluctantly he nods and places a small kiss on my cheek. “If you need me, just yell. I’ll wait on the deck.”

“Thank you,” I say, softly.

He nods and goes outside. I hear the door close, and I swallow hard, trying to push down my anxiety. I move to Cooper’s side and take a seat next to him.

God, this is hard.

The air is so heavy with tension that my muscles twitch. I work to calm myself by taking a couple deep breaths.

“Why are you here, Cooper?”

“What do you mean, why am I here, Kylie?” He asks, his voice low, simmering in rage. “I came to find my wife.”

Deep breath. “Why the lake house? Why here?”

He turns, and our eyes lock. “I came to talk to you about Nate. Cali told me where you were.”

Flipping Cali…

I feel my gut seize. Wait… how does he know about Nate? Who told him? As quickly as the shock hits, it’s overridden with anger. “You came here to talk about Nate?” My emotions swirl like a whirlpool. He never, ever just wants to see me. “Let me get this straight … You came here, to the place you demolished and haven’t bothered to clean up, to talk to your wife, who you’ve ignored over the last three days, about Nate?”

His eyes cloud over as he moves an inch away from me. “Yes,” he whispers, low, deadly. “I came here to talk to you about your encounter with Nate that, by the way, I learned about from the man himself. But instead, I found you with your hands wrapped around my best friend.” Disgusted, he shakes his head, his fists clenched. “Now, tell me, have you fucked him too?”

I deserve that. I deserve his disgust, his anger.

The look on his face breaks me. It’s a reminder that if you inflict pain on the people you love, you have to deal with the consequences. Although we have an open relationship, we have rules. I just broke one. Maybe this was my way of getting revenge. A way of getting back at him for all the times he’s pushed me away and left me feeling as though he didn’t want, need, or love me.

“No.” My voice cracks as tears fall down my cheeks. “I haven’t fucked him, Cooper.”

His face is hard, his eyes unforgiving. “Your tears don’t work on me anymore.”

Defeated, I flip my eyes away from his. “When have they ever worked?” I whisper.

Complete silence mantles the air, spreading through the room so densely that I shift to see if he heard me. When I catch the fury that slashes across his face, a gasp slips from my mouth. He moves toward me, and I feel the harsh bite of his hands on my shoulders as my back hits the sofa. Before I can grasp what’s happening, he’s an inch away from my face, his green eyes filled with fire. My body trembles from fear.

“You listen to me, Kylie” He says, low, harsh. “I’m sick of all your fucking running around. I’m sick of your bullshit.”

My shoulders ache from the bruising weight of his hands pressing into my muscles. Lost to his anger, he doesn’t register the grimace covering my face. He moves in closer, our noses touching, and a tremor shoots all the way through me.

“You messed with the one thing a man like me depends on for his sanity. You fucked with my business, and now you’re screwing with something worse—my best friend. This marriage might be open, but we have boundaries for a reason.” He eases up, his face flickering regret, but his hands stay pressed against me.

My heart thrums so frantically that all I hear is a thrashing sound and feel a harsh pulsing in my neck that moves through my body.

What just happened?

My mind is trying to catch up, trying to rationalize Cooper’s anger. My body still feels the bruising effects of his hands. My heart fights against the coldness seeping from him. This is a man I don’t know, a man I did not marry.

“I know you, Kylie. I know you had no idea who you picked up at the bar, but your little stunt in our meeting was unacceptable, and I won’t tolerate it.” The tension in his face eases a fraction, an eerie calmness settling over him. “How long have we busted our asses for this? You know what you’re responsible for. You know what the rules and limits are. You agreed to abide by them, and you need to get yourself together. Understood?”

I don’t move, don’t respond. I’m barely breathing. I’m in shock at the change in Cooper. He’s acting crazy.

“Say something,” he orders.

“Get off me,” I cry, my insides a mess. My anger surges thick and fear disappears.

He steps back and shakes himself, looking at his hands. His forehead creases as he mutters, “Fuck!”

I rub my shoulders while mustering the courage to tell him exactly what I think—always a strong suit of mine. “Are you done?” My anger turns to rage. “Let me tell you one thing, motherfucker! If you ever lay your hands on me again, you’ll have problems. Do you understand me?”

I’m shaking. In all the years we’ve been together, he’s never, not once, put his hands on me, and this was way too close to crossing a line. We’re both on the precipice of our demise.

Taking a deep breath, I speak as calmly as I can. “Were you even looking at me when I left the bar? Didn’t you see Nate with me? Why didn’t you say something then?”

“I wasn’t paying attention to who your next fuck was,” he spits. “I saw you, but I was kind of busy.”

His crass comment pisses me off and only fuels my agitation. “I know you were. So busy trying to screw with me, hurt me, that you missed something that could have fucked with your business.”

He stays silent. What can he say? All he had to do was pay attention, get up, and whisper something in my ear. I never would have walked out of that bar with Nate. Cooper’s getting angry at me as if I’m the only one screwing things up. He can’t pin the blame solely on my shoulders. The fact that we’re even having a conversation about having sex with other people is disgusting. We’re so far past the line of morality that we’re picking on who we can and can’t fuck. It’s insane.

I move toward the front window in the living room. I need some space to get the words out. My throat tightens as the pain of what we’ve become presses in around me. I feel smothered by it. “This, us, it’s all so messed up. Can’t you see what’s happening? What we’re becoming?”

I turn, needing to see his reaction to my words. He looks weary, his honey hair a tousled mess. Those green eyes that used to sparkle with life, love, and hope are dim with pain, confusion, and lingering anger. His jaw’s covered in day-old stubble. His jeans and red polo are wrinkled. He looks as if the stress of us is draining the life right out of him. My soul cries for only one thing, and that’s him. But for some reason, he’s holding out on me, and I’m acting like a spoiled, bratty bitch.

I need to fight for him.

“You know what I see when I look at us?” I whisper, sadness bleeding from deep inside me. “I see two people who can’t live without each other but don’t know how to live with one another. I see a man who’s angry and wants to hurt me. A man who enjoys putting me down. A man who has no problem sharing his wife, and a man who doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t know if you love me anymore. I don’t even know if you care.”

I watch him swallow. His hesitant eyes find mine, wavering in response. I decide to go on because I have nothing to lose. I need him to know that I want him back.

“I see a woman who wants her husband back but can’t have him because he won’t give her the time of day. A woman who hurts, because not only did she lose half her heart with her daughter, she lost the other half with her husband. I know I hurt you, Cooper, but how long will you make me suffer? What else are you holding against me? It’s been two years. Two brutal, torturous years, and I want our life back. I need you. Just say the word and all this”—I point around us—“can go away.”

His eyes fill with tears, but his face is smeared with uncertainty. There’s so much behind his eyes that I wish I understood. I wish he would open up to me, but I can’t blame him that he won’t. I hurt him, God, I hurt him. I ache to throw my arms around him, pull him close and love him. I feel helpless.

I’ll wait for him forever. Cooper is worth it. He’s worth every moment of pain, every slice of hell I deal with, every second of agony I walk through. He’s the motor that keeps my heart pumping.

“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice breaking. “There’s too much going on right now. You and Nate, you and Gray… I can’t deal with it. I’m not ready.”

His rejection tears through my heart. I tuck it down and remind myself to wait. I did this to us. I owe him time to figure out what he wants.

“I can’t do this right now, Kylie. I need to go.”

“Cooper, wait,” I call as he heads for the door.

No matter how toxic we are, being around him brings me peace. Even in the midst of the chaos, at least I know where he is. I’m not ready to lose that yet. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close. I feel him stiffen, but I shove it to the back of my mind. I pretend in this moment, with his scent surrounding me, that he cares. I bury my doubts and embrace the tiny flicker of hope that we’ll be okay. That eventually we’ll work out.

I know it’s illogical and stupid, but without Cooper, I can’t live. We share a reckless, toxic love that feeds the brokenness in me, in us. Our love is an addiction. A love that I won’t ever consider living without.

Three weeks later…

That day at the lake, Gray came in a little while later and found me. I wasn’t crying or trembling. I was just staring at the door Coop had walked through. He squatted in front of me, his eyes landing on my shoulders. I noticed him harden, but at the time I was too emotionally exhausted to care. What he saw must have pissed him off because his fists clenched. He growled several curses aimed at Cooper and proceeded to scoop me up, put me in his sport car, and bring me to his house.

That’s where I’ve been for the past three weeks. Gray refuses to let me go back home until Cooper “gets his shit” together.

Things between Cooper and I have been the same—strained. I’ve tried calling, but he doesn’t pick up. I’ve texted twice a day, but he doesn’t respond. I’m still trying, though. I’ll keep trying until I physically can’t try anymore. I’ve been sex-free for three weeks. It’s been harder than I thought it would be. I sound pathetic, but I’m lonely. Being at Gray’s has been okay, but I miss my life, all of it, especially Cali.

I’ve been so numb I haven’t even been able to talk to my best friend. She called this morning and informed me that we are going out tonight. Her exact words were, “I miss my wingman, bitch. It’s time to come out of your hidey hole and get back to life.”

She made me laugh and realize how badly I needed a girls’ night out. So here I am, in Gray’s bathroom, getting ready to hang out with my bestie. I’m putting the finishing touches on my makeup when Gray peeks through the bathroom door.

“Jesus, you look fucking hot,” he says. “You need to go change.”

“What? You like?” I purr, seductively.

“I love,” he breathes, adjusting his crotch.

I giggle. “Cut it out, Gray.”

This is what’s developed between us since our make-out session at the lake house. Our flirty banter has progressed to a new level. I thought for sure things would be tense after what happened, but it seems to have rolled off his back.

When I tried to talk to him about the kiss and Cooper, he looked incredulous and asked, “Kylie, do you think I’m stupid?”

My response was a confused, “Huh?”

“I know how to read a woman,” he said.

“Okay…?”

“I know how to read you, sweet cheeks. I knew Cooper was there, and I didn’t care. I wanted him to see what he was about to lose.”

I had been shocked. I still don’t know where I stand with Grayson, and that bothers me. He loves Coop like a brother, but I think their friendship’s in trouble. I sometimes wonder why Gray doesn’t treat me the way he does Cooper. I mean, I’m not exactly innocent in everything that’s happened in my marriage.

“Where are you girls going tonight?” he asks.

“Braxton’s.”

“Okay, make sure you’re careful. You know where to reach me. Are you taking a taxi?”

“Yeah, I called for one. They’ll be here at nine thirty to pick Cali and me up.” I smile.

“No men, right?”

I roll my eyes at the absurd question. “Seriously, Gray, you really think I’d bring someone back here?”

“I’m just checking,” he replies with a lopsided grin.

“Yeah, yeah,” I mutter, turning to apply some pink lips gloss. I catch his eyes in the mirror. “My vagina’s growing cobwebs because of you, Grayson Walsh.”

He belts out a deep laugh. A huge smile spreads across my face as I watch him lose control.

He’s so sexy.

“Laugh it up, mister.” I playfully pout, raising a brow.

“I think you’ll make it, Ky,” he retorts after catching his breath.

“Do I even have a choice?”

His eyes get lusty, and the grin disappears. He walks toward me, spins me around and places me on the bathroom counter. I swallow hard, my pulse stuttering as his hand breezes up my cheek to my ear, tucking a stray piece of hair behind it. “Do you want a choice, sweetness?”

My throat thickens as I stare into his fire-filled eyes. Lust churns low in my belly. I’m not sure how to respond. I miss the touch of a man. The last three weeks, I’ve felt alone, deserted on a desolate island. My husband refuses to talk to me, but this man in front of me wants to give me an escape. Grayson is placing my drug of choice in my hand, and he would definitely be a sinful mistake.

“Gray,” I whisper, “we’ve talked about this.”

He licks and bites my neck, sending shivers all the way to my throbbing core. “Just relax into me, Ky. Don’t think. You’ve been here for weeks and I’ve kept to myself, but I can’t when you look like this.”

I close my eyes, feeling his touch roll through me. His lips drag across my neck to my collar bone and back up to my ear. His harsh breathing melds with my frantic pulse. I should stop this. I need to stop this, but his touch is soothing. In the back of my mind, Cooper’s there–he’s always there. My heart hangs onto the fact that he could come back to me. But my body is warring with my head. My heart wants my husband, but Gray has no expectations. He’s just willing to give me what I need.

At what cost? I don’t know anymore.

I’m relieved when an incessant pounding cuts the tension between us. I laugh breathlessly, knowing Cali’s here. Thank God for besties.

Gray groans into my neck. I feel his smile as he blows out a breath that sends goose bumps through me.

“You lucked out. I was about to take you,” he admits, his voice husky.

I gasp, my jaw dropping. He’s killing me. The intensity of that statement leaves me breathless.

He pulls back and laughs, his eyes alive with raw heat. “You have no fucking idea what I would do to you if I could. Your sweet body would never forget the places mine touched.”

“Grayson, good God.” I look away. I’m sure my body is a blazing hue of red at the heat in his words.

“I’ll wait until you’re ready, sweet cheeks.” He leans in to brush a soft kiss on my cheek, then lets me go and walks out of the bathroom.

I hop off the counter, trying to catch my breath as I trail behind him. I can’t formulate thoughts right now. The sexual tension between us is growing with every passing day, and I don’t think staying here’s a good idea. Once I make it to the living room, Gray opens the front door and greets Cali with a gruff nod.

She walks in, coming straight toward me. “Oh my God! I missed you! Let’s never be apart again.”

I laugh at her melodrama. “I missed you too, Cali girl.”

“We have so much to talk about,” she says rapidly. “So, so, so much, but first things first, I need to get this out of my hands. Your friend here”—she looks at Gray and winks—“had me pick something up for you.”

I look at the gift-wrapped box in her hands. I feel a flash of excitement cartwheel through me. I love presents and I’m never, ever one to shy away from a gift.

“What?” I squeal at Gray. “You bought me something?”

He smiles. “Maybe.”

I grab the package and rip it open. I have no dignity when it comes to presents. Once I glimpse what’s inside the box, I stop, tears pooling in my eyes. Oh my God… Nestled inside is a pair of six-inch, python-silver-encrusted Louboutin’s.

“Grayson…” I breathe, flipping my eyes to his. “How did you know I wanted these?” I set them on the ground reverently and slip my bare feet inside, closing my eyes. Heaven.

“Cali told me you wanted them,” he replies, his tone a tender caress.

My heart melts and I throw myself in his arms. “Thank you, Gray. And not just for the shoes, but for being you. For being there for me. For loving me regardless of the fact that I’m a fuck up. Just… thank you.”

He grips me tight and moves his mouth to my ear so Cali can’t hear. “You are not a fuck up. You’ve never been a fuck up. I’d give you everything if you’d let me. You shouldn’t be thanking me for this. This is what you deserve, Kylie.”

I bury my face in the hollow of his neck, moved by the way he shows his love for me. I’m all over the place. My feelings are morphing for this man. I pull back and look at Cali, wiping a couple of happy tears off my cheeks.

A scandalous smile brushes her lips as her brows rise in appreciation. “Mmm, my lover’s lookin’ sexy as shit.”

I giggle as she instantly cuts the tension. God, I love my friends. Even though, at this point, I don’t know what to classify Gray as. Tonight, I decided to wear dark, cropped skinny jeans and a red V-neck blouse. I didn’t want to go too fancy, so I left my hair down with a jeweled headband skimming my forehead. I went for a hippie chic look.

“Thank you,” I murmur. “You’re looking pretty good yourself, Cali.”

As usual, Calia looks stunning. She’s in a little red dress with black peep-toe pumps. Her hair is up in a high ponytail, her ears adorned with big jeweled earrings. Her face is flawless with just a hint of makeup. She really is drop dead gorgeous.

“Are you ready?” She grins and points at the door.

“Sure.” I glance at my new shoes. “I can’t believe you bought me these.” I’m still entranced by the pumps. I might be a shoe dork, but I try to soak up happiness from the little things in life. Friends. Shoes. A night out. All that equals escape. I want out of my head.

He smiles. “I’m glad you love them. Now go have fun and be careful.”

I kiss Gray’s cheek, and we’re off. We hop in a taxi and head to Braxton’s, one of the hottest and craziest clubs in the area.

When we pull up fifteen minutes later, Cali screams, “Hell yeah!”

I laugh as she grabs my hand and drags me to the entrance. The music booms through the closed club doors, and two huge bouncers stand guard. I watch her lean over and whisper in one bouncer’s ear. He tosses her a grin and nods, opening the black ropes to let us in. She kisses his cheek, flutters her eyelashes, and shimmies. The guy laughs and leans over to whisper in her ear. Cali shivers in response.

Interesting… I make a mental note to interrogate my friend about her blatant flirting when we get through the doors.

Eventually, she tugs me inside the club. The music blares, and the atmosphere is filled with excitement and possibilities. Single ladies dance, and the guys looking for a night of fun keep their eyes riveted to the beauty around them.

We shuffle to the bar, and Cali yells over the song, “What are we having?”

“Patron,” I yell back, grinning.

“Going hard.”

“As always, baby.” I giggle over the loud music.

Her eyes glitter with delight and uncontained joy. “You know it.”

This is our club, the place where we let our hair down and enjoy ourselves completely. We always come here together. Cali’s my pick-me-up, and I hope I’m the same for her.

She hands me a shot and a lime. “Ready?”

“Let’s do this.”

We skip the salt, throwing back the shots and sucking the lime quickly. We both grimace, not afraid to show our distaste for hard liquor. We do two more rounds, then grab a Patron and Coke to carry with us to the dance floor. The music switches to a techno beat, and we laugh with each other as we start to dance. We have a blast, singing and getting lost in each other. Just two girls having fun, holding our drinks in the air, and living our night to the fullest.

After several songs, I pull her aside, a nice buzz tantalizing my body. “Spill it! What’s up with Beefcake outside?”

She looks confused, then finally seems to register my question. “He’s a friend of my brother’s. I’m thinking of taking him for a long ride.” She wiggles her brows suggestively, and I can’t help but grin.

“When?”

A sly, seductive smile slips across her face, and her eyes flash with a naughty glint. “I was thinking of doing it tonight.”

“That’s my girl!” I hoot, taking a quick sip of my drink. “He’s definitely a hottie.”

“Oh God, he is. My brother played football with him. He’s really sweet. The last time we talked, he confessed to liking kink.” Her cheeks turn red.

“What? Like, what kind of kink?” My brows rise as I wait for her to divulge the juicy details.

She wraps her arms around my neck as though we’re dancing together. I grind into her, and she laughs.

“We are such kinky bitches,” she says.

“Yeah, we are. But stop stalling and give me the details.” I’m dying to lose myself in her life for a couple minutes.

She moves in close to whisper, “He likes whips, chains, and domineering type stuff. He told me he likes to have sex in front of people and enjoys watching it, too.”

“Holy crap!” I pull back, shocked. I like a little spanking here and there, and I definitely like to be controlled, but voyeurism is a whole other ballgame. “Are you okay with that, Cali girl?”

“I don’t know… I think I might want to explore a little, do some darker stuff. You know?” Her cheeks turn a deeper crimson from her confession.

“Damn, girl.” I whistle.

“I know. Do you think I’m crazy?” she asks, her face falling in apprehension.

“Do I think you’re crazy?” She nods, so I let go of her and step back. My face shines with mirth as I try to make light of her naughty confession. “I have three words for you.”

She stares at me curiously until I start to shimmy my boobs. I shake, drop, and dance around her, being silly. She covers her face, mortified by my antics. I watch her mood lighten as she shakes her head.

In my best crazy voice, I scream, “Get it, girl!”

That makes her giggle, and her blue eyes sparkle once again. We dance a little more until I need to take a minute.

“You wanna grab a couple more drinks? I need some more liquor,” I say.

She nods, so we move to the bar, bobbing our heads along the way. Once we order, I look around at all the people having a good time.

Cali’s voice pierces the air. “Have you fucked Grayson yet?”

If I had a drink in my mouth, I’d probably have choked. “Jeez, Cali, don’t sugarcoat it.”

She shifts toward me, not an ounce of humor on her face or in her tone. “Why sugarcoat something that has either happened or is about to happen?”

I tip my head down as my buzz dribbles away. “I don’t want to hurt Coop.”

She strokes my arm until I look her way. “Let’s do these”—she points at six perfect tequila shots—“and then we can go outside to talk, okay?”

I nod, turning toward the drinks. We throw them back, and by the third, I start to feel sick from the nasty burn. A cup of Coke is thrust into my hand before the alcohol has a chance to come back up. I take a huge sip to chase the taste away. The buzz of the tequila hits me fast. Cali grabs my hand and pulls me to the exit for fresh air.

The night is cool, the breeze calming as we head to a little table behind Braxton’s. We sit in silence, enjoying the alcoholic haze and air whipping against our sweaty skin. My stomach hurts as I think of Cooper. I miss him so much. I want him, need him by my side. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and shoot him a text.

Me: I need you.

I set the phone on the table and close my eyes, wishing the alcohol would ease my burden.

“We haven’t had a lot of time to talk over the last three weeks,” Cali says. “Do you want to tell me why you’re staying with Gray, Coco?”

I’m not sure how to say it, so I just spit it out. “Cooper had a moment.”

Cali becomes quiet, very, very quiet. I give her time, letting her take what she wants from my statement. I open my eyes and meet hers.

“Did he touch you?” she asks, her body shaking slightly.

“No. Yes. Sort of.” I’m not sure how to communicate what happened. “He just sort of lost it. I’ve put him through a lot. I’m not making excuses for him, but he’s dealing with too much right now. Gray’s being over-protective and doesn’t want me to go home, but I’m fine. I just miss Coop. Why does it have to hurt this bad?”

“Because you love him,” she whispers.

“I know, but is it enough, Cali? I don’t know anymore. I keep telling myself I’ll wait. He’ll forgive me. But I don’t know if I can. I’m not sure I can get through to him. He’s too angry.” I admit, my eyes filling with tears.

My body pines for something it can’t have. I check my phone to see if he responded, but there’s nothing. I decide to send him another message, hoping it’ll make a dent in his hardened heart.

Me: I miss you.

I hold my breath, wishing for a response. I desperately will him to give me something, but all I get is the usual deafening silence. I feel distress setting in, an overwhelming feeling of abandonment pressing against my chest. Then my phone lights up, and renewed hope sets in. Maybe he’s thinking about me too. I glance at the display.

But the name skipping across the screen makes my stomach drop. My hope is dashed, and a tear drips down my face.

Nate: Are you ready for round two? Cause I can’t stop thinking of that sweet pussy.

I’m slammed by anger: at Cooper for acting as if I’m dead, at Nate for thinking there’ll be a round two, and at myself for getting involved with a slimeball. I set the phone down and inhale a cleansing breath. No way in hell will I text him back. That was a mistake, one I’m eager to put behind me. I’m sick of men. I don’t want to deal with them anymore. I just want the feelings that sex creates, not the baggage that goes with it.

I want to be free.

I hope I’m strong enough to break this cycle I’ve put myself in. But without a little communication from Coop, I’m not sure how long I can last. I look at Cali, at the compassion in her blue eyes. She smiles, but it’s forced. She sees my broken heart and knows that I’m struggling to get my life in order.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I know you love him, and I know he loves you. He’s just being an asshole. You guys have been through so much, and he’s overwhelmed. If it makes you feel any better, he’s looked like shit for the past couple of weeks.”

That statement gets my attention. Cooper prides himself on looking put together. He prides himself on pretending he’s the perfect man. My stomach dips in dread.

“What do you mean?”

“He looks like he hasn’t been sleeping, like something’s bothering him. He’s not his arrogant self. He’s looked a mess.” Her forehead creases. “Of course, Layla’s been there picking up the pieces.” She rolls her eyes.

“Wh …What pieces?” I stammer, starting to freak out.

“Like I said, he’s seemed off. He hasn’t been paying attention. He’s been barking orders, which is typical Cooper, but the last couple of weeks have been different. He’s stressed. Overtired. Overworked. He looks like something’s on his mind.” She sighs, sadness swirling in her blue eyes. “I’m sorry, I don’t know if I should even tell you this, but I think something’s going on with him and Layla. After he got back from Key West, I noticed things between them heating up. I tried to keep an eye on them. Cooper’s pretty good at keeping up appearances, but I saw him leave the office with her two weeks ago. They’ve been taking the same car home every night since.”

My chest burns as if it’s been set on fire. Cooper’s left the office with Layla. Cooper’s left the office with Layla in the same fucking car, every night.

Oh God… Did he fuck her in my bed?

I’m assaulted with hurt. Nausea kicks in. “God damn it, that son of a bitch better not have taken that whore to my house.”

I feel myself shake, rage burning in my veins and sending me into a tailspin of emotion. I try to calm myself down. He wouldn’t do that to you. He wouldn’t.

Cali’s eyes simmer with pity. I hate pity, but coming from her, it makes me feel better. She knows I’m stuck.

“It’s going to get better,” she says.

I don’t believe that anymore. I need him back. Every day, the reality of that happening slips further and further away. My hopelessness grows more defined with every passing minute. Suddenly I just want to go home, crawl into bed, and sleep until Cooper comes back for me. “I need to get home.”

“It’s getting late anyway,” she says, laying her hand on mine. “Just remember one thing, Coco. With every new day comes a new opportunity. Give it some more time. Don’t give up. If you two are meant to be, you’ll be.”

I look at my friend, thankful to have her in my life. “I love you, Cali girl.”

“I love you more.”

We link arms and walk back to the club entrance. I tell her I’ll call her in the morning, and we hop in separate taxis. Hers heads home, and mine goes to a place that’s slowly becoming more and more promising with every passing day. Grayson’s house holds no pain, just a man who promises to give me what I need. I try to remind myself that three weeks ago, I was ready to wait for Cooper forever. But now I wonder if he’ll ever be ready to forgive me and move on.

How long can I hold on to a dream that may be dead?

The reality of that thought is terrifying. I will myself to keep living in a bubble of false hope that at any time he could come back to me and bring me home. But Cali’s confession about Layla hangs heavy in my heart. Just weeks after I threw myself at him, he’s chosen someone else. He keeps saying he needs more time, and I guess I’m stupid enough to give him that.

I need a fix. Something to soothe this aching hole inside me. If Cooper has Layla, then I can have someone too… someone like Gray.

I’m thankful for the dark silence that greets me as I stumble through the front door. I’m really not in the mood to have Grayson watch me melt down. I need silence and privacy.

I head for the liquor cabinet, grab the whiskey, and take some slugs straight from the bottle. I’m sure I’ll pay for it in the morning, but right now, I really don’t care. I move to the kitchen and grab a glass. I set the booze on the granite countertop, fill the glass with water, and take a sip. My head feels muddled, but the warmth of the whiskey slowly works itself through my cells. I alternate between the two until I feel blissfully unaware of the information dropped on me tonight.

I shift my head, feeling a prickle coat my skin. Something on the refrigerator catches my eye. I tug the mystery item out from under a post card. It’s a picture of Cooper, Grayson, and me at a family barbeque two and a half years ago. My heart hammers, and pins and needles slash through me as I follow Cooper’s hand to my swollen belly. Air drains from my lungs as the image in front of me triggers a memory so intense I stumble back, hitting the counter.

“Kylie, I’m so sorry, but we have to take the baby now,” the nurse murmurs, her tone full of sadness and compassion.

I look at Kayla on my chest and start to shake. I hold her as tightly as I can without hurting her and lay my face on her head. “No, you can’t have her. Please, I’m not ready.”

She stares at me, tears in her eyes. I’m sure she doesn’t know what to do, but I’m not giving her my baby.

She’s mine.

“Okay, honey. How about a little more time then.”

I hoist Kayla up on my shoulder, laying her precious face in the crook of my neck, and I press mine against her cold skin. I close my eyes and breathe her in, whispering in her ear. I rub her back, loving her dead body without a thought of ever letting her go.

I open my eyes and see Cooper staring at me. He looks devastated. The nurse whispers something in his ear, and he grimaces, his eyes springing with tears. He nods and reaches for his phone, typing something. I clutch Kayla tighter. Unease slithers across my skin when he walks to me slowly, taking a deep breath.

“Hey, sweet girl.” He smiles weakly. “We need to start saying our good-byes now.” A couple of tears drip down his face as he looks at me and his princess. He drags a hand tenderly across her head and places a delicate kiss on it. He lifts his face to mine and lays a palm on my cheek. “Can I hold her? Would that be okay? I need you to kiss her and say good-bye. I need a minute with her, Kylie.”

I look at him in disbelief. I know what’s happening, but I don’t want to accept it. Denial flows thickly through my veins.

I bring my mouth down to Kayla’s ear. “Don’t worry, my little star. Daddy’s going to give you right back to me. Mama’s just giving him a couple minutes.” I kiss her cheek and smile at Cooper as I lay her in his arms.

“Kylie,” he whispers, his voice cracking.

“It’s okay, Coop. You can talk to her, hold her. Just make sure you give her back, okay?”

“Kylie.” His body is frozen, and fear edges his features.

“No!” I pin my eyes to his. “I’m not ready. I’m not saying good-bye. I can’t.”

With tears streaming down his face, he shakes his head and takes a seat. Softly crying, he speaks delicate words into her ear. My heart trips over itself as I watch him rain kisses along her cheeks. The nurse comes in a couple minutes later with Grayson behind her. She lays a hand on Cooper’s shoulder. My pulse thunders murderously as I watch Cooper nod, look at the baby, and back at me. I take a breath and hold my arms open in a silent demand he return Kayla.

He shakes his head and walks toward me. His composure slips with every step. Once at my side, his emerald eyes look lost. “One last kiss.” His voice is almost inaudible. “It’s time.”

I look between him and Kayla. “Give her to me, Cooper” I command, my throat clogging with tears.

“I can’t, Ky,” he sobs. “I want to. More than anything in the world I want to, but I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. It’s time.”

A scream rips from my chest as my body trembles. My heart cries for my daughter, my soul desperate for its creation… the little girl who owns me. As panic overtakes me, I claw my way off the bed to get to her. My feet hit the icy floor while Cooper moves back, holding Kayla tightly, with shock plastered on his face. The nurse takes my baby from his arms, looking at me with sadness and distress.

I trip over my legs toward them, the IV catching in my arm. I hear a commotion as Cooper stands paralyzed, unable to move. Warm hands wrap solidly around my waist, and I’m hoisted into gentle arms before I can take another step forward. I kick, bite, scream, and fight with every fiber of my being. But Gray holds tighter and whispers soothingly in my ear. I feel as though I’m dying. Physically I’m in pain, but emotionally I was just murdered.

All my energy drains as my body gives out and sadness takes over. I want to die. Grayson holds me securely, protectively cradling me.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to shake myself out of the memory as gut-wrenching sobs rip through me. I’m desperate to block out the image of my child being taken. Warm hands wind around my waist. Gray picks me up and settles us on the floor, rocking back and forth. He murmurs calming words in my ear.

“It’s going to be okay. Everything’s okay. I’ve got you.” He keeps telling me these things and reminding me to breathe.

Eventually I calm, my adrenaline waning. I let his scent bring me the peace I so desperately seek. He pulls back and looks into my eyes, his flashing with concern.

“What’s going on?” he asks.

I point an unsteady finger toward the fridge. He twists around and looks at the picture now lying on the ground.

He lowers his face and scrubs a palm across it. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that was there.”

“Gray…” I whimper, feeling like my heart has been torn out.

He looks at me, his eyes filled with remorse and sorrow. “It’s okay. I’m right here, Kylie. I’m not going anywhere.”

“God, it hurts. I’m drunk, and it still hurts.”

“It’s always going to hurt, sweetness. Always.”

“Why?” I cry, nestling my face into his chest. “I just want her back.”

“I know you do. I know. That’s why it hurts,” he murmurs, stroking my hair.

“It’s unfair.”

“It is,” he whispers.

Several minutes later, I pull back and wipe my face with my hand. “I’m okay.” I sniffle softly. “I’m okay. God, I’m sorry. I had a bad night. I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“No, I wasn’t sleeping,” he answers, taking my hands. “I was in the office, waiting for you to get back. I had some last minute things to finish. I didn’t hear you come in.”

“God, Gray,” I mumble, embarrassment creeping its way in. “I’m messing up your life. I should go. I should go home. You don’t need these meltdowns. This, me, it’s not your problem.”

“Don’t even go there, Kylie. You’re never a problem,” he exhales. “Don’t even think that. You’re not going back until that asshole has his shit straight.”

I stare at him, wondering what I did to I deserve him. Why does he even want to be friends with a couple so toxic, so incredibly messed up? It doesn’t make sense. “Why do you care about me, about Cooper?”

He stares at me for a minute, his forehead creasing. “What do you mean?”

“Why do you even bother with us when all we create is drama?”

“Because I care about you.”

“And Cooper? Do you care about him too?”

He tosses out a deep breath and drags a hand through his hair. “Cooper and I, we go back. We have history. I don’t know. Things are just different now.”

I swallow, really wanting to know what’s happened with them. “Tell me. How did you guys become friends, and what’s changed?”

He thinks for a minute, running his hand across his jaw. He seems uncomfortable as he struggles for words. “When we were kids, maybe four years old, Cooper stole my favorite football. At four, I didn’t think about sharing, I just knew that the fucker had swiped my stuff. I wanted to get even, so on one of the days we were at his house, I went into his room… I’d brought my favorite Ninja Turtles backpack, and I filled it with Coop’s favorite Thomas the Train special edition toys. I remember waiting for my mom to come get me. I was scared. I knew what I had done was wrong. When she showed up, she lifted my backpack and frowned.” He chuckles. “She unpacked my bag in front of Coop, and I thought for sure he would snitch on me. I thought for sure he was going to sell me out, but he didn’t.” He closes his eyes, remembering a moment between him and his friend. “You know what he told my mom? He told her that he had given them all to me as a gift and he refused to take them back. We became best friends after that.”

Tears drip down my face as I think of little Cooper and little Grayson. Times were simpler for them back then. Their bond was strong, and then I ruined it all.

“Things are different now, Kylie,” he whispers as he holds my face and stares into my eyes. “When Kayla died… I knew, without a doubt, you’d need me. When I held you that day and heard you cry, my heart broke. Your eyes were so big, innocent, lost… I hated that. I hated seeing you hurting, and I wanted to do everything in my power to bring you back.” He kisses my nose, sending warmth through me.

“Cooper’s always been a brother to me, but things have changed between us,” he says. “He’s changed. And something’s different between you and me. I swore I’d never get between you and Coop. It wasn’t my place, and it’s never been my intention. When I started taking care of you, all I wanted was to support you guys. But it’s turned into a dysfunctional mess, and I can’t watch him hurt you anymore. I won’t allow it. I just want you happy, sweet cheeks. It kills me to say this, but I don’t think Cooper’s that guy anymore.”

His words hit me hard. I scramble off his lap and stand. I’m not ready to face the idea that Cooper and I might not be able to get through this. I’m not even close to accepting that fate. My instinct is to get angry at Gray for telling me my marriage isn’t worth the fight. But I can’t.

“I love him, Grayson,” I blurt, feeling the need to defend Cooper. “I’ll always love him.”

“I’m not saying you don’t, Kylie. But what’s that love costing you?” he asks.

“I don’t know. I don’t care what it costs.”

If I give up on Cooper, then I’m giving up on Kayla, and I would never give up on my precious child. I won’t give up no matter how Gray feels. Sometimes loving someone’s a choice. When all the lusty feelings disappear and we’re left looking at cold, careless, and painful reality, we have to choose whether or not to love. I choose to love Cooper. I choose to hang on because he’s worth it, my child is worth it.

Gray lifts himself off the floor, his eyes boring into mine. “You’re worth way more than what he’s giving you.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I whisper, pain clogging my throat. “I deserve exactly what we have. We’re in this mess because of me.”

“No. You’re in this mess because your husband can’t get his shit together. He’s too caught up in his own fucking pain to give a shit about yours. I’ve been holding back, but I’m done. No more.”

I swallow hard when his chest touches mine and he nudges me back against the counter. I take a deep breath as his warmth surrounds me. “I’ve done a lot to him. You know I have.”

“Yeah, you have,” he whispers, dragging a finger across my cheek, “but he should be able to get over it. I would.”

I close my eyes as an image steamrolls through me of Gray running his palms down my breasts to my nipples. I shiver, wishing I could feel his mouth on mine, bringing me pleasure to block out this pain. I want to lose myself in someone who would give me more than sex. Someone who’d give me a piece of his heart. I want to be taken, but I can’t. I’m teetering on the edge, and being with Gray would destroy my marriage. I need to put some distance between us. He’s too tempting, and my heart is raw, wanting to drown its sorrows in Grayson’s body.

I open my eyes. “We need to stop. Please, I can’t do this with you.”

His aqua blues spear me as he dips his face an inch from my mouth and whispers, “Tell me what you want, Kylie.”

I swallow hard, a tremor sliding through me. “Gray…”

“Tell me,” he demands. “I know you want to be touched right now, and I’m dying to touch you.”

A moan slips out, my eyes closing.

“Let me feel you, sweet cheeks. All this pain, I can take it. Replace it. I want you bad.”

I tremble and open my eyes, fighting my need to be taken. “Grayson, let’s go to bed. We can’t do this, it’s not right.”

“Nothing about our situation is right. But you need something, and I’m ready and willing to give it to you.” His hot breath fans my lips, his cock pressing into my torso. “Have you thought that maybe I need something from you, too?”

I push his chest, desperate for him to take a step back before I cave. “You don’t need this. You don’t need me. You know who my heart belongs to.”

He steps back, pain darting over his face, but quickly composes himself. I need to say something to lessen the sting. I know what it feels like to be rejected, and I don’t want Gray thinking I don’t want him. It would just end in disaster, and I can’t put us in that position.

“Listen, Gray.” I try to find the words to let him know how I feel without messing with his head. “It’s not that I don’t want you.” I release a breath, my body weakening. “Because God knows I want you.”

“Then have me.” He moves in again, grabbing my face.

My heart drops. “And then what? How will things change?”

“I don’t know,” he says, his voice gentle as his thumbs rub across my cheeks. “It’ll be good. I’ll make it good. I need you, and I think you need me.”

I feel my pulse spike, my body begging me to take his offer. “I don’t doubt your abilities. But if I do this… after it’s done, what’ll be left of me? I’ll have crossed every moral boundary. You’ll take a piece of who I am, something I’m able to separate with other men. You’re different. What we have is dangerous. We can’t have a fling. It wouldn’t work.”

The way he’s staring at me… I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that his feelings run deep. I’m scared he’s going to get hurt. My heart’s firmly with Cooper, and I’m holding on to that. I’m desperately hanging on to the dream, the irrational illusion of a fairy tale that’s turned bad but will eventually get its happy ending.

“I can wait for you to be ready,” he whispers.

“You’ll be waiting a very long time, Gray.”

“That’s okay. I have time, beautiful.”

God, he makes my heart ache. He’s so sweet. I don’t deserve his friendship, kindness, or unconditional love. I deserve nothing. I want it. I need it. I need him. I need his friendship. So I take it because that’s what I’m good at. I’m good at taking what I need from others without any thought of the cost. With Gray, the cost is immense, but his open heart calls to me, making me feel safe, cared for, and loved. I might not take him up on his offer physically, but emotionally, I’m walking into this knowing we could both get hurt.

“Will you sleep in my bed tonight?” he asks, unease pitching his voice.

Shit. “Gray…”

“Please,” he murmurs, his breath sliding across my skin.

God, help me. I don’t want to sleep alone. Being held would feel so good, especially after being hit with memories of Kayla. I wish Coop were here. The thought of him in bed with Layla hurts. He’s been going home with her. Every night.

What’s one night? Just one… Nothing will happen. I won’t allow it. Deep down, I know this could be the start of a downward spiral. The start of a friendship crossing the line. We’ve been skating that line for a couple weeks. We’re moving into uncharted territory.

Friends don’t sleep in friends’ beds. I know that, I’m not stupid. But my life is a blur, quickly turning into a thunderstorm, one that I’m playing a huge part in creating.

“No funny business,” I state, my face serious.

He smiles. “Mmm… nope, no funny business. I just want to hold you. I’ll keep my hands to myself unless you ask for something.”

“Gray,” I groan.

He laughs. “Okay, I’ll say no if you demand more of my fuckable body.”

I chuckle and roll my eyes. “What am I going to do with you, Grayson Walsh?”

His face takes on a playful edge, a smirk skipping across it.

“Never mind,” I utter, knowing something naughty’s about to come out of his mouth.

“You’re no fun,” he teases. “Go get dressed for bed.”

I nod and saunter off to get dressed. Tonight, I’ll regroup and figure out where my life is going. Tomorrow, I’ll confront my problems. I’ll try to find a way out of the mess I’ve created.

Maybe it’s time I go back to work and see Cooper.

I zip through the Starbucks drive-thru, Caramel Macchiato in hand, and head to work. I haven’t been to the office in weeks, so I know a flood of paperwork is waiting for attention. My stomach is steadily eating itself with nerves. I’m not sure how Cooper’s going to react to me coming in.

“Carpe diem,” I mutter. Seize the day.

I laugh at the absurdity of my life. I’m on my way to work to see my husband, who is working side-by-side with a man I fucked senseless, while I live with his best friend who is bordering on being my future lover. It’s like a damn soap opera. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love watching them, but living one is another story. I shake my head, deciding to give Cali a quick buzz. I need the lowdown before I enter hell. I push the call button on the steering wheel and select Cali. Three rings later, I hear the chirpy voice of my bestie.

“Hey, hey, hey!”

“Hey, love.” I smile.

“Where are you?” she asks brightly.

“On my way to hell.” I laugh. “Prepare me. What am I headed into?”

The worst case scenario would be Nate, Grayson, Cooper, and Layla all in one room. I’d like to avoid that situation.

“Well… Cooper’s here, huddled in the office with Nate. They’re going over last-minute legal stuff. Gray just left to run an errand, and Layla went for coffee. Hopefully the twat won’t come back.” She giggles. “Other than that, it’s quiet. Does Cooper know you’re coming in?”

“Nope.” I pop the ‘p’ in nope. “Is there any way I can sneak in without being sighted?” I ask, swallowing the ball of nerves lodged in my throat.

I hear the smile in her voice. “Are you being a pussy?”

“Yeah, I am. You’d be, too.”

“Mmm… Maybe. But seriously, don’t be a bitch. You’ll be fine.”

I hope she’s right, but my stomach cramps at the thought of being in the same room with Layla or Nate. Hell, even thinking about seeing or talking to Coop makes me feel sick. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be there in ten.”

“You’ll be fine, my love,” she whispers.

“Thanks, Cali girl.”

“You’re welcome, Coco puff.”

That makes me laugh as I hang up. We’re two nuts in a nut farm, but I freaking love that girl.

Thirty minutes later, I sit in the parking garage of Cooper Bailey Corp. I’m trying to talk myself out of going back to Grayson’s house. Last night I convinced myself, huddled in Gray’s arms, that I could talk to Cooper. That I could get him to wake up and see me and fix us. But now the reality of my situation is setting in. The last time we were together was volatile. I can’t even bring myself to think of him in there with Layla.

What if I run into Nate? What do I say? How do I get myself out of this mess? My life’s so out of whack, so completely insane. I have to get it together, but I’m scared to leave the safety of my car.

Fear is debilitating and can override all rational thought. Right now my rational thoughts are flying out of my head at light speed. I have none. I just want to leave, go back to Gray’s, and tackle this another day.

Breathe, Kylie, breathe. You can do this.

I can’t do it. There’s no way I can. Maybe tomorrow I can call Coop and convince him to meet me for lunch. Something.

“No, I don’t want to seize the day.” I crank up my car and put it in reverse.

Desperate to take off, I glance behind me to make sure no one’s coming. I stop abruptly when I see Gray smirking and leaning against the back of my Audi. He’s dressed in a navy polo shirt and gray slacks, and is holding a cup of coffee. He lifts an eyebrow and waves.

“Damn it.” I groan and throw my head back against the seat, closing my eyes. I can’t leave now.

Tap… Tap… Tap

“Go away!” I’m miserable. I hear him laughing, so I roll down my window and pout like a petulant child. I don’t want to go inside.

“Mmm, that’s a sexy pouty face.” He smirks.

“Damn it, Gray, can’t you just pretend you didn’t see me?” I ask pathetically. “How long have you been standing there, anyway?”

His eyes glisten with humor. “Only long enough to see you freak out for the last twenty-five minutes.”

Embarrassed at being caught, I feel myself wanting to crawl under the dash. Instead, I playfully narrow my eyes. “It’s not funny, Gray. In a minute, I’m going to get out of this car and beat your scrumptious ass.”

He laughs a deep, delicious, rumbly laugh. A grin, so large it literally stops my breathing, dances along his lips. “Kylie Bailey, I would love for you to put your dainty, sexy hands on me. We can play rough anytime, sweet cheeks. You just tell me when.”

Then he winks like a complete nerd, and something inside me melts. The fear that had been devouring me a minute ago recedes a little. I’m still scared of the things inside I can’t control, but with Gray here, I might be able to handle it. I might be able to deal with everything that a minute ago felt insurmountable.

A realization hits me. My feelings for Grayson run a little deeper than I’ve allowed myself to think they do. They become stronger with each day I spend around him. He’s working his way into my heart. The thought shakes me.

I’ve always been attracted to him—you’d have to be dead not to—but he’s been in a “do not touch” box as long as I’ve known him. That box has allowed me to keep my physical and emotional feelings separated. But, over the last couple of weeks, my feelings for Gray have grown. Our time at the lake house shook that box. That scares me. When you mess with the heart, things get sticky, and I can’t have things getting sticky. They’re messy enough already.

“Are you going to get out of the car, Ky?”

I blink and shake my head. Oh God, I’m a mess. I’m starting to freak out again, and not for the same reason that I was freaking out when I first pulled up. Do I like Grayson?

“Kylie, you in there?”

I stare at him like a nut job. I can’t talk. If I do, my heart will betray me. It’ll let Gray know that I not only want him sexually, but I might like him on a more intimate level.

“Hello, Ky. Babe, we’ve been out here for forty minutes now. Come on,” he coaxes. “You can do this. I’ve got you. Cooper won’t pull any shit, and Nate wouldn’t dare fuck with me.”

I’ve got you.

He’s got me. Grayson’s always had me. My thoughts are changing, and I don’t like it. I don’t want it, and I need to be careful. Very, very careful. Get it together, Kylie.

“Yeah, I’m coming. Sorry.” I shake myself out of these insane thoughts. I grab my purse, open the door, and step out.

He smiles, and I smile back uneasily. I’m not sure I want to be this close to him. I need to put some space between us and clear my head a little. Staying with Gray is no longer an option. I’m losing track of the ultimate goal. It’s always been, and will always be Cooper.

We get to the building door, and I take a deep breath, preparing myself for everything that’s ahead. I chant, “You can do this” over and over silently until I feel a warm palm touch my lower back.

“I’ve got you,” he whispers.

Right. He’s got me. Oh God…

He opens the door, and we walk in, cool air conditioning greeting us. We walk past the front desk.

The receptionist, Tenley, peeks up and smiles. “Hey, Kylie, where have you been? Did you take a vacation?” Her brown eyes are warm.

I smile and murmur, “Yeah, Ten, I did.”

“Well, welcome back,” she says.

“Thanks. Is Cooper around?” I want to make sure I’m in the clear. We have to talk, but I need to compose myself first.

“Yeah, he just got done with Nate. I think he’s still in his office, though.”

“Thanks.” I walk faster, Gray trailing behind.

He laughs. “Think you could walk any faster?”

“Hush,” I retort.

When I get to my office, he smiles and says he’s going to tell Cali I’m in. Then he gives me a peck on the cheek and saunters off. I watch him walk away, my eyes stuck to his ass. He moves so stealthily that my insides get warm.

I’m in big trouble.

Sighing, I move to my desk and drop my purse. I look at the paperwork stacked on my workspace. I have a shitload to do. I’m so far behind. At least I’ll have something to keep me busy for a while. I sit down and boot up my Mac just as I hear a knock at the door. I look up at the only bright spot in my day.

“Hey, you.” I smile at Cali.

“You ready to catch up?” She points at the stack of papers.

“Yep. Just going through my emails first.”

“Okay, holler if you need anything.” Her face takes on a funny look. “Hey, you okay?”

She sees the stress on my face. I’m not good at hiding stuff. But I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think of the pain I experienced last night, remembering Kayla, or the fact that I slept cuddled in Gray’s arms. I don’t want to tell her that in Grayson’s arms, all I thought about was Coop. I can’t even deal with the thought that my feelings for Gray are morphing into something else. I need to work, work, and work some more.

“Yeah. I’m fine. We’ll talk later.”

She gives me a reluctant nod. “Okay. If you need me, you know where to find me.”

I tip my head in acknowledgement and get to the mind-numbing task of filling out forms and returning calls. I work mindlessly, too busy to think about anything, too busy to worry about life.

Three hours later, I need a break. My head hurts, my neck has a crick in it, and I need food. I close my eyes and lean back, taking a minute before I leave my sanctuary. Kayla fills my head as soon as my eyes shut. My chest aches when I see her little face. I wish I’d had more time with her. I never got a minute to hear her cry. I wasn’t blessed with even a second of seeing her chest move. I didn’t get to look into her eyes or watch her fingers curl around mine.

I lost everything that day.

I’d had it all and then poof, it was gone. I’m still living a nightmare. One I can’t seem to get away from. I don’t want this pain anymore. I wish I could talk to Coop, but I can’t. I don’t have him; I have Gray. That used to help me, and now it makes me feel unsure.

I can’t stay in my office all day. I have to deal eventually, and it might as well be now. I get up, dry my fallen tears while thinking about my baby, and straighten my pencil skirt. I’ll use the bathroom, then it’s time to talk to Cooper. My nerves spiral as soon as I open the door. By the time I get to the bathroom, they’re completely shot. My heart is hammering so hard I hear it in my ears. My stomach hurts so badly I could throw up.

Calm down. You’re fine. I force a deep breath, pushing the anxiety aside, and splash some water on my face. When I look into the mirror, I see that I’m a mess. My cheeks are rosy, and my eyes have circles under them. My forehead’s lined with worry, and my shoulders are pulled tightly together. Just as I get to the stall door, the bathroom door swings opens, and Nate walks in.

My body, already tense, instantly sweats and my head gets fuzzy.

What is he doing here?

He gives me a wicked smile and locks the door before moving toward me. I’m not ready for a confrontation, but it’s coming whether I want it or not.

“Kylie,” he greets, huskily.

“Nate.” I swallow, my throat catching.

“Are you avoiding me? You didn’t return my text.”

I move back, not wanting any issues with him. Our one-night stand was great, but I’m done. I gather up some courage, making sure my voice is calm and steady. “Why would you think that?” I raise an eyebrow in an attempt to be coy. “We had fun. Now it’s over. There’s no need to rehash. No need to avoid anyone, and definitely no need to return texts.”

He eyes me with curiosity. “What if I don’t want it to be over? What if I want more?”

I take a breath and try to let him down without crushing his ego. “Listen, I have way too much going on right now. I can’t. You’re a big player in this company, and I can’t mix business with pleasure.” I pause. “You and me… That was a one night thing, Nate.”

He stares at me for a second, his chocolate eyes glistening in the dimmed bathroom lights. He really is stunning, but I hear Gray telling me to be careful, to stay away from him. Nate Richards is a man with power, a man used to getting what he wants, but that’s not going to work with me.

“I’m not liking your answer, Kylie,” he murmurs. “I just want one more night. You know it was good, and you’re the best pussy I’ve ever had.”

“I can’t, Nate.”

“Why?” He drags his large hand down my neck, over my breast, to my hip.

“Nate… You don’t even know me, but trust me, you don’t want to. My life is complicated.”

“I like complicated.” His warm breath ghosts my ear, and I shudder.

Damn this man! He just won’t take no for an answer. “I can’t. Please!” I exhale, trying to push him away.

My body screams for attention. It wants to release the stress and pain it’s been holding onto these last weeks. It wants to lose itself in the same way it’s always dealt with pain. The memory of Kayla eats at me, and Cooper’s cold silence leaves me broken and vulnerable. Add in the unwanted feelings I now have for Gray, and my head’s a cesspool of tormented thoughts. I’m desperate to shut it down.

Maybe a quickie with Nate wouldn’t hurt. No one would have to know. Right?

“Come on, Kylie. You look like you need this,” he whispers.

What am I thinking? Nausea simmers in my gut as Gray’s words ring in my ears.

Stay away from him! He’s an asshole!

I can’t ignore the frantic beat of my conscience telling me that his touch might be what I think I want, but that it can’t be what I need. I have to stop taking the easy way out.

I step back, removing myself from his proximity. “You were a mistake. One I don’t ever intend to repeat. If I had known who you were, I would have never gone to your room. This company is important to Cooper, and I’m not going to ruin your deal with him for a romp in the sack.”

He stands there with a smirk, like everything I’m saying is going in one ear and out the other. Maybe he likes that I’m affected by him.

I clear my throat, digging deep for the confidence I don’t have. “We had a good time, but one night stands are exactly that. I keep them to a single night so things don’t get messy. I would hate for this to turn messy, Nate. I love my husband.”

His face is completely blank. I’m not sure he’s hearing a word of what I’m saying. Something akin to rage stirs inside me. He’s being a jerk. I forge ahead with the closing blow I’m sure will piss him off.

“That night at the bar… I left with you.” My voice is firm and steady. “I fucked you, but every time you put your hands on me, I was thinking of Cooper. Every time you came near me, I closed my eyes and saw him. It’s always him. You’re nothing but a distraction. One I don’t want or need to have again.”

My pulse rages like a bull. He stands there looking at me, his brown eyes finally flashing with rejection and anger. His posture’s turned rigid. I brace myself for the backlash. What I said was harsh, but every word was true.

You don’t get second rounds with one night fucks.

“Wow,” he mutters as he drags a hand over his jaw. “That mouth of yours is going to get you in so much trouble. You need to remember that you need me. You and Cooper need my money. If I want something in return, I’ll have it. You’re not in the position to hand out insults, sweetheart, and you’re certainly not in the position to turn me down. You’re right about one thing though—I don’t want this to get messy. I have a wife at home who doesn’t need to know what I do behind closed doors.”

His careless confession slams me hard. He has a wife! A wife he cheated on with me. A wife who doesn’t know about his extracurricular activities.

I feel sick to my stomach that I let this man touch me. It’s all so repulsive. I’m no longer just messing up my own life. I’m screwing up other people’s lives. Innocent people are getting hurt by my actions. The thought of his wife sitting at home while her husband talks to me about sex makes bile churn up my throat.

“You need to go home to your wife,” I spit. “I’m sorry, but you’re just as damaged as I am. I’m not doing this with you. This conversation’s over.”

I move to walk past him, but he grabs my arm roughly. His breath hits my face as I stare up into eyes full anger and contempt.

“You need to get one thing straight,” he whispers. “I say when this is over.”

I feel shaken. Everything in me wants out of this bathroom. I don’t know who or what I’ve gotten myself involved with. “You should let me go. I would hate for Grayson to find out about this.”

He stills, staring daggers into my eyes. A tremor snakes up my spine, but I do my best not to drop his gaze. I want him to see what I’m thinking. I want him to understand that he needs to back up off me, now.

His brows knit tightly together, and his grip on my arm lessens. He blows out a deep breath and shoves me away. “You’re not worth it. You’re not worth a damn thing.”

With that, he departs, slamming the door. I feel stunned. I deserved some of that anger. Nate’s definitely the asshole Gray said he was. I feel lucky that I escaped fairly unscathed. This was the wake-up call I needed.

Forty minutes later, I’m standing with my fist poised to knock on Cooper’s door. I want to see him so badly, but I’m not sure what his reaction to seeing me will be. The situation leaves me feeling powerless. I finally decide I’ll tackle talking to him later, on a different day.

I’m a coward.

I’d rather wonder what he’s thinking than deal with his refusal to be around me. After my encounter with Nate, I feel unstable. If things with Cooper go south, it’ll only further upset my shaky mental state, and then I have no idea what I’ll be liable of doing.

I turn around and walk down the hall, keeping my head low. When I’m about two steps away from the corridor to my office, I feel the air forced from my lungs. I slam into someone. I try to catch my breath and steady myself when I look up into Cooper’s shocked eyes.

“Cooper.” I grip his arms in an effort to right myself, so I don’t land on my ass, but I find my body flush with his.

He stares at me, breathing hard, and instinctively wraps his arms around my waist to keep me from falling. “Kylie.”

I watch him closely as my pulse thrashes against his chest. God, I’ve missed him. I’ve missed him so much that all I want to do is wrap myself around him and never let go. He looks exhausted. My heart aches as I notice the stubble that prickles his jaw. His eyes are worn, and his blonde hair is disheveled. He looks how I feel—haunted and troubled.

My eyes fill with tears, and deep, dark, desperate longing seeps from my core. I can’t stop the instinct to touch his face, to feel his skin. I place my clammy palm against his warm cheek, and I feel a rush of tingles dance down my arm from the contact. I love him.

As I stare at him, I try to convey the depth of my yearning. “I’ve missed you.”

He’s silent, which isn’t surprising. He holds my gaze, keeping his arms tight around me. We don’t move; it’s as if we’re in a trance. We just stare at each other, taking the other in after our weeks apart. After several moments of silence, I know I need to ask him to talk. But I’m afraid to break the moment.

From somewhere in me, I muster the courage to say, “Can we talk?”

“Right now?” he asks, his grip lessening as his eyes drop from my face.

No, please, no. “Please, I just need a minute to talk to you.”

I hear him exhale as he steps back and nods, pointing at his office. I turn in that direction as butterflies take flight in my stomach. A mixture of fear and relief simultaneously take over. We get to the office, and he follows me in. I stand by his desk, waiting for him. When a minute goes by and I don’t hear any movement, I turn around and see him standing with his back against the door. He looks anxious, and his green eyes glisten with stress.

I take a deep, calming breath. “Can I come home?”

“I never told you you couldn’t,” he replies evenly.

“I wanted to make sure.”

He nods, holding my gaze. I hate that we’re in the same room, but still so far apart. I need to find a way to get him to talk to me. A surge of adrenaline rips through me, an overwhelming need to get him back. It’s impossible to contain myself to one side of the room when all I want to do is be close to him. I move toward him and notice his body stiffen, not wanting my touch. That hurts, but I push the hurt down. When I stand in front of him, I sweep a wisp of hair behind his ear. His breath catches, and a tremble moves across his body.

I drop my hand and smile timidly, happy that a small part of him is still affected by me. “You get more handsome every time I see you,” I whisper. Our eyes connect again, and my body hums at the little bit of warmth I see in them. “I’m sorry, Cooper. I’m sorry for how things turned out in Key West. I messed up. I always seem to mess up, but I never meant for that to happen.”

A tear spills down my cheek as I watch him. I want all the tension between us to go away. I don’t want the ugliness anymore. I need to make him understand that we can move on. We don’t have to torture each other anymore. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry for holding you down at the house. Things got out of hand, and that was pretty fucking shitty of me. I don’t know what happened, but I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

My heart rolls like a tumbleweed. Cooper never apologizes. I know, without a doubt, he’d never hurt me on purpose. Emotions where high that day, and I was the one who set off that bomb. Hope settles low in my belly. We’re making progress. We’re not killing each other. There’s no yelling or snide remarks. We are just two people who feel drained by their lives and are tired of fighting.

So tired of fighting.

“It’s forgotten. It can all be forgotten, Coop.” I hope he gets my deeper meaning. I hope my words penetrate his thick wall.

He looks at me, tensing slightly. Cooper’s a proud man, and things that may be easy for me to sweep under the rug are not easy for him. I’ve learned over the last two years that we react differently to stressful situations. That’s one of the reasons our relationship’s such a mess.

“Are you coming home tonight?” he asks.

“Yeah, if that’s okay.”

His eyes fill with apprehension. I can’t read them. I wish he would just lay everything on the table and tell me what’s going through that head of his. He’s uncomfortable, and I want to ease that. I want to go back to a time when we weren’t anything but happy. I wish I could reverse the damage that’s been done. The heartache I’ve handed out so callously.

“Of course,” he says. “I never told you that you couldn’t come home.”

“I know. Things just got out of hand, and I think we both needed space,” I murmur.

He nods. Desperation sets in. He said I can come home, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get to see him. We’ve perfected the art of avoiding each other over the last two years, and if he doesn’t feel like seeing me, there’s not much I can do. He’ll avoid me at all costs, and I don’t want that.

I take a breath and train my eyes to his. “I want to work on making things better between us. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” His face blazes in an array of dark emotions as I forge ahead. “I’ve made mistakes, but I promise I haven’t had sex with Grayson. I wouldn’t. But the other men… it’s over. I’m done, Cooper. I only want one man. I’ve only ever wanted one man.” I glide my fingers across his cheek. “I’m so sorry for hurting you at the lake house. I was trying to get your attention. It was stupid, childish, and cruel. I’m sorry.” My voice cracks as my composure crumbles.

I think of all I’ve done to this man. I’ve been a bitch, irrational at times, always thinking of myself. I know I’m not perfect, and a large part of where we are is because of me. If I’d never brought up an open marriage, who knows where we’d be right now. My chest burns when I see his defenses slip.

They say the eyes are the windows to our souls, and I have to say that’s true. If someone looked within the depths of our eyes, they’d see longing, despair, anger, and hurt, beyond any comprehension. Some of it’s self-inflicted, and some is just the harsh hand of fate. We weren’t strong enough for what life handed us, and it’s torn every piece of our lives to shreds.

I sob, unable to hold back my tears. I miss him. Without him, I feel as though I can’t breathe. He’s my anchor, and for the last two years, I’ve been lost.

“Kylie,” he breathes suddenly, “it’s okay. You don’t have to cry, baby. It’s going to be fine. We’re going to be fine. We just needed time to figure ourselves out.”

He wraps his arms around me, and I weep in relief. He’s not pushing me away or yelling at me, and maybe, just maybe, we can work through this mess. I know Cooper has to want things to be different. He can’t like living the way we do. We’ve gotten ourselves stuck in a pit of dysfunction, and climbing out isn’t going to be easy. Things have been done that have left scars. But even with all of that, I hold tight to the fact that we share something special. If we can push past all the hurt and devastation, we might have a chance. I just need him to believe it and want it.

I’ll do everything in my power to get him to believe in us again. It’s the only thing I have left. “Cooper, let’s do something together. Let’s have dinner. We need to try. Please, please, just try. If not for me, then for Kayla.” Using my daughter is a low blow, but she’s the only thing I have left to beg with. We need this. Avoiding each other makes the distance worse. His excuse that he needs more time is not going to work for me anymore.

I push away slightly, my teary eyes holding his. “Please?”

“Okay, baby,” he whispers, touching my face. “We can have dinner. We’ll talk.”

My breath catches, and another sob escapes me. My legs give out in relief, and I feel his grip tighten, holding me up.

Holding me like he used to before we lost our child.

“Thank you,” I murmur. “Thank you, Cooper.”

He smiles softly, and I feel my heart melt. My world tilts just a little bit back into place. My man, my home, is the only thing that makes my world okay. If I can get him to try, start small, then I have a chance to fix the damage I’ve caused.

“Of course,” he whispers.

His breath ghosts across my wet face and goose bumps slide over me. My body responds to his proximity. It stirs with need, and before I can stop it, a rush of words bleed from my lips. “I love you, Cooper. Whether you want it or not, I do. No matter what happens, you’ll always be the love of my life. I hurt when you’re gone. You might not want to hear it, but I want you to know that I love you. Always. Every moment of every day.” I slide my hands into his hair, needing to touch him. His eyes hold unshed tears as he gazes deeply into mine. I drag my nails against his skin, feeling him tremble and his breath halt. “I’ll never love anyone but you.”

I’m flooded with guilt over my feelings for Gray. For the past, the men, the games. It was wrong, and it eats me alive. For this moment though, I push it away. I want him to know I’d give everything up for him. That I love him through his faults, through the good and bad. No matter what.

“Believe in us again,” I plead, my heart in every word. “I need you to believe in us. Believe in what we had. It’s still there. Give us a chance, Cooper. Let’s take the time to fix things.” I stare into his eyes and gently kiss the corners of his mouth. “I love you,” I repeat, beseeching him.

I see the pain that seeps from him. All the torture he feels etched in every pore. It oozes off of him, hitting my chest, but I hold still and hold him tight. I silently let him know I’m here. Every fiber of my being is where it wants to be.

“Kylie,” he whispers, cupping my cheek.

That’s all he says as we take each other in. I can tell that a lot is going on in his head. He doesn’t have to talk to tell me there are layers and layers to our situation, to us.

After a minute, he clears his throat and sighs. I notice his posture shifting and the energy in the room becomes strained. I don’t want the moment between us to end, but I feel him retreat. I’m starting to panic when a tap, tap, tap at the door gets my attention. He swallows, his shoulders stiffening.

A sickeningly sweet lilt sweeps through the air, stifling it. “Hey, Coop, are you in there?”

He lets me go and moves across the room to his desk. “Yeah, Layla.” A flash of sadness sweeps his face as he stands behind his chair. “I’m here. Come on in.”

I move away from the door, and it slowly opens. She peeks in and sees me first. She looks surprised but quickly wipes the look off her face and gives me a fake smile. “Oh, hi, Kylie. I’m surprised to see you in here. Was there something you needed?”

The question gets my attention and pisses me off. The fact that this whore can stand here, asking if there’s something I need in my husband’s office almost sends me nuclear. I try to tame my anger so I don’t make a scene. I don’t want to ruin the progress I’ve just made with Cooper, but jealousy is consuming me. I inhale a laborious breath and whip my heated eyes to Cooper’s. I hope he sees how close I am to snapping this bitch’s neck.

His eyes lock on mine, and he sees it all. “What can I do for you, Layla?” His tone is anxious.

She looks at him and steps into the room. I want to throw up. She’s absolutely stunning: auburn hair, green eyes, tall, voluptuous, with tits for days. Her tanned skin looks fantastic against her low-cut white blouse. She has on a tight skirt and nude pumps that make her look like a model. She’s everything that a man would want, and the awareness that she wants my husband steamrolls over me.

“Nothing, Coop.” She smiles, hiding her bitchiness under a disgusting layer of sweetness. “I just wanted to see if you were ready to leave for dinner. It’s five o’clock, and our reservation is set.”

I look at Cooper, then at her, and cringe. They have plans tonight. Fuck.

All the progress we’ve made evaporates. Devastation, jealousy, distress, and rage convulse in me. I need to get out of here before I say or do something that will hurt us all. The reality of how far apart Cooper and I are, and how hard it is to make any progress pulls me under. I feel as if I’m drowning.

“I’m almost ready. Give me ten minutes,” is his clipped reply.

She turns to me, a scornful smile cresting her lips and a malicious gleam in her eyes. “It’s nice seeing you again, Kylie. You’ve been gone a while. A long while.” With that, she leaves, shutting the door behind her.

I stand completely still, trying to get my emotions under control. I’m ready to erupt. The ache that had dissipated while I was in Cooper’s arms comes back forcefully.

How deep does his relationship with her go?

Are there feelings involved?

Do I even want to know?

No, I don’t. Knowing would take the fight right out of me. Denial is best. My skin crawls, and my insides, already burning, blister with rage. Unaware that he’s moved across the room, I startle at the feel of his hand on my shoulder. I tremble as I try to restrain myself from lashing out. Breathe. Keep calm.

“We’ll schedule dinner, Kylie,” he whispers, his voice cracking. “We’ll talk, I promise.”

My stomach sinks. All the hope I’d felt is dashed. We’ve become a couple who schedules dinner, who barely talks, and never makes love. We’ve become toxic and deadly to each other.

A thought hits me so fast that I feel my body jolt.

Maybe we can’t make it.

An unwilling sob claws its way up my throat. My shoulders sag in defeat. My worst nightmare is playing out in my thoughts. I feel as if I want to die. The hope I felt minutes ago is nowhere to be seen. It’s the same feeling I had when I held Kayla only to have her ripped away. The universe is playing tricks with my heart, and I can’t take it anymore. I want to give up. I feel my will to live trickle away. What’s a life without Cooper and Kayla? Nothing.

I feel lifeless, miserable, and raw.

“Kylie, don’t do this. We’ll have dinner, okay? We’ll figure this out. You’re coming home tonight, right?” he asks gently.

Do I want to come home? I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I want to. God, I’m irrational. Why am I always like this? Our marriage is still open. She’s not off limits. Just because I’m sex-free and waiting doesn’t mean he has to be.

“Yeah, I’ll be home,” I mumble.

“Look at me, Kylie,” he says.

If I look at him, I’ll die. My heart will crumble, and I won’t make it out of his office. I can’t do it. The pain is unbearable. When I leave here, he’s with her. The thought of him with her, while I’m pining away for him makes me sick.

It destroys me.

“Please, Ky. I need you to look at me. Don’t do this. Don’t play fucking games with me. I need you to look at me now.”

Just do it. Suck it up.

I turn around and look at him with tears in my eyes and distress smeared across my features like paint on a canvas. My body seeps anguish I can’t hide. I can never hide my heart. My feelings are always written on every seam of my face, every angle of my form. My distress penetrates the air around me, pulling him into my suffering, entangling and entrapping him within the storm that rages in me. I’m broken without him, and I’ve been without him for so long that I’ve lost pieces of myself along the way. The jar that holds the last of my heart is about to shatter until nothing is left but shards of the woman I used to be.

“I can’t take this anymore,” I whisper, my voice broken. “We need to talk about us over dinner.”

I can’t give a voice to my thoughts. If nothing changes between now and then, our marriage can’t go on. He’s killing me, and I’m killing him. Together, we’re a car wreck heading straight for a cliff. A cliff that spans a mountain. We are on our way to certain emotional death, and this ride’s something I don’t want to be a part of anymore. I want off.

His eyes pierce mine, and I know he knows what I’m thinking. He looks stunned, and for a split second, I see fear. Cold, fucking fear. He sees everything I need him to see and more. I hope he gets it. I hope he understands that this might be the end of our road. We need to have something to work for, or we have nothing. I love him, but this love hurts. It hurts in a way I would’ve never dreamed it could.

As I turn to leave, gripping the doorknob, I speak my parting thoughts. “I love you, Cooper. Always. But love shouldn’t fuck us up like this. Love shouldn’t incinerate our souls, suck us dry, or kill us. Love shouldn’t feel like work. And this… this is work. As much as my body screams for you, my heart is dying. There are moments when I wish I could flip a switch and feel nothing. I would give anything to feel numb, because this constant ache within the center of my chest is killing me. It’s taking everything I was and leeching me dry. You have to choose to try, or we’re not going to work. And if we can’t work, I’m not sure I have it in me to live without you.”

Two days later…

I’m on the sofa and nestled under a fluffy throw as Johnny Depp graces the screen. A pint of Double Chocolate Chunk ice cream’s settled in my lap, and I’m mindlessly eating large scoops while watching TV. I left Coop’s office two days ago and came back to Gray’s house.

I couldn’t go home. I didn’t have it in me.

I had to formulate a plan. When Gray sent me a text saying he would be out of town for a couple days, I felt relief. He told me not expect him until Friday, so I had time away from him and time to think of how to deal with Cooper. I messaged Cali and told her I needed a personal break. She understood and granted my request grudgingly.

So here I am, miserable and unable to move. Yeah, I’m wallowing in self-pity. I need to go home soon. I can’t stay here forever. As soon as Gray walks through that door, I’m out. With everything that’s going on with Cooper, I can’t afford to have feelings for Gray. That could be detrimental to all of us.

I shovel more ice cream into my mouth, trying to drown the hurt with chocolate. After the pint is finished, I decide to get some water. My mouth is so full of sugar it’s actually dry and sticky. Sighing, I get up and grimace. I’m a mess. My hair is thrown up in a messy bun because I didn’t care enough to wash it, and all I’m wearing is my black polka dot bra and thong. No T-shirt, no makeup, and no shoes. I’m a disaster.

In the kitchen, I grab a glass and fill it with water. The warmth from the setting sun beaming through the window pulls my attention to Gray’s backyard. I take a minute to watch the sun begin its descent for the day. It’s beautiful and peaceful. Maybe I should go sit outside and watch it. Then you’d have to get dressed. God knows I don’t feel like getting dressed. That would require making an effort. So I just stand there watching the sun dance with the clouds, enjoying the majestic beauty of it.

After several minutes, I spin around to head back, but a moving shadow startles me. A shriek tears from my throat. I grasp the glass and bring a hand to my chest in an effort to calm the heart that’s leapt out of my body. “What the hell, Gray? You scared the ever loving shit right out of me. Stop doing that.”

“What are you doing, sweet cheeks?” There’s a huskiness to his voice.

“I was getting some water. What are you doing back?”

“I got done early, and this is my home.” He drags his gaze to my breasts.

“Seriously, Gray, you scared me. Next time just say something, please.” I stare at him, waiting for a response.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, but what are you wearing, Kylie?” He seems to be struggling to keep himself planted where he is. He keeps swallowing, and his eyes have a lusty swirl in them. He looks turned on, which leaves me unnerved.

“I didn’t think you were coming back until Friday. I’m having a bad week, so I was vegging out… relaxing.” I’m embarrassed to say I veg out in nothing but underwear, stuffing my face with chocolate. I’m sure the trail of candy wrappers and ice cream containers don’t paint a pretty picture. “Let me get some clothes on.”

Gray stands directly in my way. His hand comes up to my waist, pulling me gently against his chest. I swallow hard and glance up, desperate to figure a way out of his arms. My chest rises and falls furiously as the feel of his palms splayed across my bare back sends me barreling into dangerous territory. His eyes heat, and I get lost in his seductive gaze. He’s absolutely mouthwatering. My breath falters when the slide of his hand makes tingles burst down my body.

God…

His skin sweeping across mine feels amazing and makes my body hum. But as good as this feels, I can’t accept it. I’d like to, but I need to remove myself now, before it turns into something it can never be. “Please, let me go. Let me get some clothes. We can’t do this, Gray. I’m sorry.”

A flash of hurt darts across his face, but it’s quickly taken over by understanding. He knows my heart is Cooper’s until he throws it away. I don’t want to hurt Gray, but I need my husband. I’ve spent so long hurting him, and I don’t want to do it anymore.

“Okay.” He exhales and steps back. “Go get dressed.”

“Thank you. I’ll be right back.” I gently smile, hoping things don’t get awkward.

“Wine, beer, and action movies?” He quirks a brow, trying to break the ice.

I laugh at his attempt to rein in the tension. That’s one of the things I love about him. He never wants to leave anyone feeling uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I’d love that,” I say, moving down the hall to the guest room I’ve been occupying.

He chuckles and shouts, “Your ass is hot as fuck, Kylie. Just in case you’re wondering.”

“Grayson!” I warn as a giggle escapes my throat. “Come on!”

“What?” His voice takes on an innocent edge. “You walking around like that is liable to kill a man. Especially if he can’t act on it.”

I can’t stop the stupid grin and blush that erupt across my face. “You weren’t supposed to be home.”

“I guess I should’ve knocked on my own front door then?” he teases.

I groan as I grab a pair of sweats and a tank and slip them on. I’m never going to live this down. I see months of ribbing in my future. When I reenter the kitchen, I notice that he’s slipped on gym shorts and lost his shirt. I swallow, taking him in. Grayson’s body is perfection. He works out a lot and you can tell by every defined muscle in his torso and arms. His tattoos are so vibrant against his skin, they’re like a magnet to the eye. He’s stunning, I’m left winded. I blink a couple times, shaking myself out of ogling him.

“What can I get you?”

“Huh?” I ask, pulling my eyes away from his chest.

“Red or white, Ky?” He smirks, holding two bottles of wine.

I flush. I’m sure he thinks I’m the queen of mixed signals. One minute I’m telling him I can’t, and the next I’m eyeing him. “Oh, I’ll just have red.” I say, pulling my eyes from him to the living room.

“Okay, I’ll get drinks. You go pick a movie,” he says.

I nod and walk into the living room. I shift through some movies, grab one, throw it in the DVD player, and sit on the loveseat to wait for Gray. He walks in a minute later and looks at the mess on the coffee table.

He flips his eyes to mine, an impish grin dancing across his face. “Did you eat all of that?”

My face warms. “I have a sweet tooth,” I mumble, embarrassed.

“It looks like it.” He laughs as he sits next to me and puts down the wine and popcorn.

He grabs the remote, and soon the room is filled with the sounds of Channing Tatum and the Rock in GI Joe. We watch silently for a while, both lost in our own thoughts. I sip my wine slowly, feeling something flutter low in my tummy as Gray’s presence fills my space. I feel a little on edge. I need to think about anything but him.

Shoes. That’s what I’ll think about. I’m pretty sure new pumps are coming in for spring at Nordstrom’s. I should probably go there tomorrow before I miss anything good. Retail therapy is great for a broken heart. As I plot my purchases, I feel his arm curl around me, pulling me into his side. His face is soft and tender in the dim light, instantly putting me at ease. He’s not trying anything; he just wants me close.

He makes me feel taken care of. He has an innate ability to soothe my wounds. His presence is addictive, and I’ve come to crave him. I depend on him in every area of my life, and I’m not sure where I’d be without him. Things between us are never strained. What we have is different than what I have with Cooper. It’s not toxic.

But Cooper stirs a passion in me that I could never feel for Gray. The day I met Coop, he lit up my life. He set me on fire. Yes, the fire is no longer glowing fast and hot, but it’s still there, wanting to smolder again. I can’t deny that I feel something for Gray. It’s becoming harder to ignore, but I want things to stay friendly and comfortable.

I lean forward and set down my wine, coming back to snuggle into his side. He wraps his arms around me as I lay my face against his shoulder. I feel him kiss the top of my head.

“Why don’t you take a nap? I’ll wake you when the movie ends,” he murmurs.

I let out a deep sigh, loving the thought of sleeping in Grayson’s arms. I’ve barely slept since I found out about Layla and Coop. I shift my head from his shoulder and glance up. “Are you sure?”

A soft smile pulls at his mouth. “Sleep, sweet cheeks.”

“Thank you”—I smile back—“for everything.”

He cups my cheek, his face gentle. “You’re welcome.”

I burrow back into his shoulder and close my eyes, allowing the comfort of being in his arms to bring me sleep. I happily head back into my dreams where Kayla, Cooper, and I are happy. I yearn for a time when my life’s back to normal.

The sound of rapping startles me from my hazy cocoon of sleep. I crack my groggy eyes open. I hear the sound of the front door opening, and hushed whispers fill the air. My heart seizes as Cooper’s deep voice drifts through the house. My body prickles with awareness. Holy shit… Is he here?

My mind tries to keep up with what’s happening around me. I should move and see if he’s here, but their conversation has me temporarily immobilized.

“What the fuck are you doing here? It’s three a.m.”

“I came to get Kylie,” Cooper says, annoyed. “Is she here? She was supposed to come home.”

The silence is thick and palpable. It makes my breath catch.

“Don’t look at me like that. She’s my fucking wife, Grayson.”

I can only imagine the stance their bodies must be in. They’re on the outs because of me, and it makes me feel vile.

“When did she say she was coming back home?” Gray asks, sounding upset.

“A couple days ago. She came to the office, said she wanted to come home and asked if it was okay. I said, yes, of course. It’s her house, too.” His voice drops as if he’s in pain. “Then Layla walked in. Kylie starting acting funny. She said some stuff about us, but she still said she was coming home. She hasn’t showed, and I was getting worried. I figured she’d be with you.” The last word comes out like a bullet intended to hurt.

Oh my God, he’s been thinking about me. He’s been worried. He was wondering where I was. All of these things cause my heart to beat rapidly. I latch onto his statements and stuff them deep inside my heart.

Gray whispers, “She is here with me. She’s sleeping on my sofa. You should’ve seen her when I got home from Chicago. She’s a fucking mess. This needs to stop. What the hell is all this bullshit with Layla? Is this something new?”

Cooper takes a deep breath. I hope somewhere inside him, he’s as lost as I am. As desperate for me as I am for him.

“Nothing. There’s nothing with Layla. She’s just there. It’s the usual shit, but she walked in at a bad time. Kylie was with me, and things got fucked up. I thought we were making some progress, but then she never came home.” He sounds desperate, as if he’s grasping for a life line. “I need to see her. I need to see my wife. Let me in now.” His tone is low, so low that it sends a shiver across my skin. He’s not asking, he’s demanding.

My heart skips a beat. No, it skips two beats. He came here for me…

He. Came. Here. For. Me.

My eyes fill with tears. This is the first time Cooper has made an effort to see me in years. Relief floods my veins. I need to go to him. Maybe he didn’t leave with her after I ran out. Maybe he’s been waiting for me to come home.

I sit up, feeling a rush of need swarm me. I turn toward the voices and walk to the front door. I stop when I see Cooper. He looks at me, and his eyes flash with the same relief I feel.

“Cooper,” I breathe.

“Kylie,” he whispers, “why didn’t you come home?”

His expression kills me.

He got my message when I walked out.

He’s a mess. His eyes are tired and bleak. His body is taut and rigid. His clothes are wrinkled, as if he picked them up and threw them on while trying to get out the door. He looks desperate. This is the first time I’ve seen him vulnerable. There’s no anger in his tone toward me. It just bleeds exhaustion, desperation, and distress.

My body trembles as my hand comes to my mouth. The way he looks burrows its way inside me. It seeps into my consciousness and breaks my heart. I can’t even talk as I look into his emerald eyes. I want to be honest and tell him it hurt too much to come home.

I find the strength to choke out the words, “I couldn’t, Coop. Not after seeing you with Layla. “

He flinches as if I’ve struck him. He has to understand how I felt when I left that office, knowing he was leaving with another woman. I finally drag my eyes away from Cooper and see Gray watching me. His face is clear of any emotion, but his gaze is blazing hot. This is not what he wants going on in his home, and he’s angry Cooper barged in. I look back at Cooper. He’s watching me watch Gray.

His shoulders begin to tremble, and a look of possessiveness crosses his features, fast and hard. “I don’t want you here, Kylie. I want you to come home now. Do you understand me? You’re coming home with me.” He commands.

I blink, a little startled by this change in Cooper. I drag my hand through my hair, untangling the strands as my brain tries to catch up.

Then Gray gets in Cooper’s face, his voice exploding. “I don’t fucking think so! It’s almost three in the morning. You’re not forcing her to leave my house. She can go home when she’s good and fucking ready. I’m sick of you being such a selfish bastard.”

“Don’t you fucking tell me when my wife’s coming home,” Cooper growls.

Their fists clench, and my heart races like a jack hammer.

“Stop! Please, just stop.” My voice cracks from all the animosity in the air. The way they’re looking at each other breaks my heart.

I caused this; it’s all on my shoulders. I’m ashamed and disgusted that I’ve wedged myself between them. “Cooper, look at me,” I plead.

His head swings to mine. He looks pissed off, but behind that anger is a tidal wave of hurt. He’s so lost, and I don’t know where to begin searching for him.

“Nothing’s happening here,” I whisper, desperately trying to calm him. It’s a lie, but he doesn’t need to know that. I’m handling Gray. Cooper showing up just reinforces my opinion that a fling with Grayson can never happen. “I’m going to come home. I needed a couple days to regroup after what happened in the office.” I keep my eyes on his, imploring him to understand. “I never meant to worry you. You shouldn’t be angry with Gray. He didn’t do anything. Nothing’s happened.”

He looks at me, his body trembling with pent-up anger. I breathe deeply, trying to keep myself in check so he can see I’m telling him the truth. I’m trying, for him, for us. He moves his eyes from mine and rolls his shoulders in an effort to relieve stress. I look at Gray. His eyes hold mine and I can tell that behind them he’s drowning with hurt. Whatever is between us is major for him. I hate that I’m hurting him. I hate that he’s involved in this mess. But I’ve been honest with him all along.

Cooper’s voice breaks my eye contact with Gray. “I want you to come home, Kylie. I’m sorry for what happened at the lake house. I’ll never hurt you like that again. I promise. Please come home,” he pleads.

I hear a low growl and the cracking of drywall. It bursts through the air like a dozen popping balloons. My body stiffens when I see Gray drive his fist into the wall beside him. His body trembles so forcefully that I begin to panic. His anger at Cooper is lethal, deadly and dangerous. He pulls his hand out of the wall and takes a menacing step toward him. He stops in front of Cooper’s face. My body goes on alert, fear pummeling through me. I’m so startled by the change in Gray that it becomes impossible to move.

“You listen to me, you sorry son of a bitch. I’ve talked to you about this shit for months. It’s been two years that this crap’s been going on. You bruising her that day was the last straw for me. I’m done with your bullshit. It’s taking everything in me not to rip your ass apart. I’m tired of seeing her self-destruct, and I’m not letting her do it anymore. You think you love her? You think she needs to wait until you get your sorry ass together? You’re wrong. This sick motherfucking arrangement you guys have is destroying you both. Tell me, bro, when’s the last time you laid hands on your gorgeous fucking wife and not a street whore?”

I flinch at Gray’s words. Cooper’s fists turn white. He’s trying to hold back. They’re both the same size, so a battle between them would be horrific.

“You’re out of line, bro,” Cooper retorts, like the bubbling roar of a volcano about to erupt. “You’ve gotten yourself way too involved in my life, and I’m warning you to step the fuck back. I don’t know what you’re trying to do, but this is none of your goddamn business. Get the fuck out of my face, or I’ll be forced to do something that she shouldn’t be around to see.”

“Do you want to test that theory?” Gray taunts. “Because at this point, I think Kylie’s seen more than enough shit at your hands. Her watching me kick your ass would just be another layer on the fucking disaster you two call marriage.”

Panic encases me. I need to stop this, but I’m trapped by their show of utter fury. I’ve never, not once, seen them treat each other like this. In all the years I’ve know them, they’ve been close—as close as brothers. A thought slams me. I’m contaminated, toxic to those around me. The poison I emit slowly kills everything. I’m a virus that’s impossible to get rid of.

New tears well in my tired eyes. I need to make this stop. This hate. This anger. This animosity that’s destroying our lives. I walk toward them, trying to keep my head up. My chest aches from the impact of my heart beating furiously against it. I place one hand on each of their chests. I squeeze my eyes and use everything in me to whisper, a painful plea.

“Don’t do this. Please don’t do this. I’m not worth it.” My lips quiver as tears roll down my face. Self-loathing, thick and heavy, slithers through me like a snake. “I want all of this to stop. I don’t know how to fix everything.” I turn toward Cooper. “I’ve been praying you’d come get me. That you would fight for me, but acting like this is wrong. He doesn’t deserve your anger. I came to his house, and I chose to stay. I want you to go home. I’ll call you tomorrow, and we can figure out our next step.” I turn to Gray. “I’m packing a bag, Gray, and going to a hotel. I never wanted to hurt you. God, I’ve never want to cause either of you pain, but I have, I am, and I need time away from both of you.”

I drop my hands from their chests. I feel devastated that I’ve ruined a friendship that has been a staple in their lives since they were little boys. The way we function, the way our relationships are working, is not normal. Something has to give, and it has to be me. I walk quickly down the hall to the guest room. I grab a bag and stuff my things in it. I need to get out of here. I hear footsteps on the wood floors and brace myself. I know who it is. He wouldn’t let me go without a fight.

“Kylie, don’t leave.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I turn toward the desperate voice, meeting his distraught eyes. My beautiful Gray. I’ve only brought him trouble. I can’t do it anymore. I have to figure out how to fix my life without bringing others down with me.

“I’m sorry, Gray,” I whisper, my throat tight. “I have to figure this out on my own. I need to fix my marriage, and I can’t do that while being around you all of the time. It’s killing him, Grayson. We might have an unconventional marriage, but I love him. I don’t know what’s happening between you and me, but I’ve told you, time and time again, it can’t happen.”

Gray sags against the door frame, closing his eyes. I see the defeat in how he holds himself. I want to wrap my arms around him, but we need distance. My marriage is the only thing I care about, and I’m going to fight for it.

He takes a breath, pushes off the door, and looks at me. “Just so you know, what happened tonight changes nothing for me. I’m here for you always. I know you love him. I get that. I’ve been there with you guys from the start. I understand how you used to be. But I don’t want to see you get hurt anymore. If you need me, I’m here anytime, any day.” With that, he turns and leaves.

The moment he’s gone, I feel a small amount of peace. I need to get out of here. It’s time to assess my relationships with Grayson and Cooper. God, it’s time to assess my relationship with myself.

I zip up my bag and head for the front door. I see Cooper sitting on the floor with his head between his knees, and my heart breaks for him. How long have I been silently begging him to come get me? Too long. Tonight it was too much. I squat down, putting my hands on his face. When he looks at me, I smile and drag my fingers across his cheeks.

“I’ll call you in the morning, and we can schedule that dinner,” I say. “I’m going to the W, and I’m staying for a couple nights. I need you to think about us. We can’t keep this up. We really can’t. At some point, something has to give. I’m not sure how we can fix us, but I hope you can find a way to fight for me.” I kiss his forehead. “I love you, always.”

I move to get up, but he grips my face. He looks in my eyes and presses his lips roughly to mine. After a second we both pull back, breathing heavily. He says nothing, but behind his stare I see so much.

The next time we see each other, we’re going to have a make it or break it conversation. I hope with everything in me that it’s the former.

Three days later…

I pull up to the front of my house, park the car, and sigh with relief. Home. I’m finally home after three days of staying at a hotel. I’m meeting Cooper at eight at an Italian restaurant around the corner. He said he was heading there straight from the office. I’m nervous but hopeful. Dinner is a step in the right direction, and maybe with a couple more steps we’ll find our way. I grab my overnight bag and purse and head for the front door.

Once inside, I drop everything and peer around. It looks the same. It’s quiet, clean, and vacant. I have an hour to catch a quick shower and get dressed. I slip off my shoes and pad gently against the cool wood floors to the kitchen. The stainless steel appliances glisten, the country sink is void of dishes, and the white cabinets are spotless. I open the fridge to see if there’s anything to snack on, but it’s empty. A sharp pang hits me in the chest. I missed my house. It’s cold and lonely, but it’s my home.

I head down the hall, flipping the lights as I go. At my bedroom door, I pause and take a breath, knowing that once I open the door, I’ll be a mess. It’s been weeks since I’ve been back, and my heart is aching. I clutch the handle, swing it open, and see the room is absolutely pristine. Not one thing is out of place. The white duvet is unruffled and impeccably straight. I swallow, wondering where he’s been sleeping. I walk over to the bed and run my hand across the smooth banister. My chest tightens as I think of the moment we picked it.

“Cooper, this is it,” I squeal, looking at the most perfect piece of furniture I’ve ever laid my eyes on.

“This?” he asks. “It’s got curtains on it.”

I roll my eyes, smacking him playfully in the stomach. “It’s a canopy bed, Coop. The curtains are romantic.” I smile sexily.

“Well shit, in that case, let’s wrap this bitch up.” His face is serious but playful.

I shake my head and smile at my future husband. I can always win him over with sex. Cooper knows if he romances me, he’s got me all night long. I wrap my arms around his neck. He looks at me, his green eyes promising love. My heart warms, and the world feels perfect. It feels right.

“I’m going to make you a happy man, baby,” I promise. “We’re going to christen that bed. Repeatedly. Then we’re going to make babies in that bed. We’re going to bring them home and watch them sleep between us. I promise, it’s going to be the best purchase you’ve ever made.” I lay a gentle kiss on his mouth.

He tugs me closer, extending the kiss, and smiles against my lips. “I’m already the happiest man in the world. You just breathing makes me happy, but you can definitely have the bed.”

I blink rapidly, tears in my eyes. We were happy at one time, and he did love me. We can get back there; I know it. I just have to dig deep and find him again. Reignite the spark, the flame that was put out with our tears over Kayla.

I sit on my bed, running my fingers over the smooth, silky comforter. I have fifty minutes left. My eyes flick to the picture next to the clock, and I wince. I grab the cold metal frame and stare at it, my throat clogging. The picture was taken on our wedding day. I’m smiling up at Coop, and he’s peering down at me affectionately. I close my eyes and feel the bubble of happiness that enclosed us that day. We felt like we were on top of the world.

“Naïve. We were so naïve,” I whisper.

I set down the frame and sigh, trying to clear the fog around me. I need to get moving. I walk into the bathroom and turn on the shower. I undress quickly and step in, letting the warmth soothe my nerves. The water soaks through my hair, and my thoughts drift to Cooper. It’s been so long since we made love that I’m starting to forget little details of his body, the way he felt against me. I hate that. He was always a tender lover. One that gave before he received.

I picture him behind me, his warm chest brushing against my back, sending shivers across my body. His hands come over my shoulders, dragging across my breasts, down to my nipples. I draw in a breath and rub my thighs together, my core beginning to ache. God, I want him so badly I can feel him around me. My body cries for his touch. I’d do anything to feel his calloused fingers rub against me, to feel his tongue caress my neck.

I groan, imagining his hand sliding down my stomach and landing on my pelvis, enticing me. I tremble as my hand runs the same path. I begin to breathe raggedly as I see him behind me, his hard cock rubbing against my ass. He reaches for my pussy as my fingers find my clit, and I moan. His large fingers circle and love me. A rush of tingles spreads from my heavy breasts to my sex. I see Cooper rocking against me, biting my neck, marking me. He thrusts two fingers deep inside me. My fingers do the same, and I moan for him. I feel my climax coming, spiraling through me.

Oh God… Right as I’m about to tip over, I’m overtaken by a vision of piercing green eyes and the bleeding look of betrayal they wore the night everything between us changed. I tense, removing my fingers quickly, and slide to the floor.

My phone pings on the dining room table, signaling an incoming message. The sound pierces me, causing a painful tremor to shoot from my toes all the way up my body. A feeling of dread smothers me as my heart rate increases and my hands become clammy. I know who the message is from. The reality of what I’m doing and the lines I’m crossing are becoming real.

“God, what am I doing?” I need to answer it before Cooper comes in. I walk toward my phone while anxiety sweeps through me, making it hard to take a breath. I grab the phone, swallowing the guilt I feel for even thinking about something like this.

Jesus, I’m disgusting.

I hold my phone and close my eyes as I tell myself I can do this. I need to do this.

After I’ve composed myself, I glance at the display. My stomach drops, and my body heaves. I take the phone with me, rush to the sink to throw up as sweat drips down my brow.

Oh God. I can’t do this. I’m scared to death, but I’m desperate for something to remove this ache that’s attached to the inside of my body. I feel as if I’m drowning, and I’m desperate to find an out. I rinse my mouth, spitting out the putrid taste of bile that’s clawed its way up my throat. I clutch the phone, the sides etching marks into my hands. The pain causes some of my fear to vanish. I take a few steadying, deep breaths and read the email.

Hey, Kylie, I can’t wait to see you. Meet me tonight at the Courtside Bar and Grill on 4th. I have a room booked at the W. We can go there after. Can’t wait to take care of you.

Wesley Marx

Fuck. I can’t do this. I throw the phone on the counter and lean over the sink, my body rebelling at the thought of another man. I throw up till nothing is left in my stomach, and I splash some water on my face. I’m disgusted that I’ve set up a meeting with a stranger.

I hear footsteps coming down the hall and hold onto the countertop, trying to keep myself upright. I’m so panicked and guilty I feel as though I’m going to pass out. My heart races like a freight train, and my body cramps from stress. The steps stop, and the energy in the kitchen becomes tense. I know he’s behind me, wondering what’s going on. Fear slithers down my spine and around my throat, constricting my airway. I try to hold the panic at bay by closing my eyes tightly and counting to ten. I need to relax.

Breathe. In and out, Kylie. You’re okay. I turn around and meet emerald eyes that look distant and cold.

He stares at me a minute and slowly steps into the kitchen. “You okay?”

“No.” I whisper.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?”

Yeah, I’m sick, Cooper. Sick in the heart and head. “No, I’m okay.”

He stands there looking me over. I must look like shit. I’m dreading this confession, dreading the moment when things will change, but I’m hoping it’ll knock some sense into him.

“You don’t look good,” he says casually, sitting at the dining room table.

I swallow hard. I take another deep breath, trying to prepare myself to drop this bomb on him. “Yeah, we need to talk.”

“About what?” His face is the picture of calm.

The old Cooper would have been touching me, making sure I was okay, but the new Cooper is so distant that he chips another piece off my already broken heart. I wish I could do something to bring back the life that’s been stolen from us. Anything to fill the void that grows between us with every passing minute. But there’s nothing I can do, and I can’t suffer like this anymore. I need something to shock him to life.

“Us.” I exhale and look down.

It’s a struggle to meet his eyes, and with that comment I simply can’t do it. I wince as I think of what I have to say. My body jerks from a rush of panic, causing me to turn to the sink and heave again.

“Kylie, what is going on?” he says, sounding concerned.

I look at him. He’s still sitting. He hasn’t made a single move to come over and see if I’m okay. There’s a huge disconnect between us, and I can’t figure out why. I know we lost our daughter, and I screwed up by not going to the funeral, but something else is eating at Cooper.

“Are you happy?” I stare into his eyes, mine filling with tears. I know the answer. I know he’s not. He’s miserable.

He sighs, looks down, and moves his hands onto the table. I see him hunch over and take a deep breath. He doesn’t answer, and I start to think he’s not going to.

He looks straight at me. “Am I happy? With you? With us? With life?”

“Yeah, with all of them.” I try not to take my eyes off him. I’m strung so tight that everything from my legs to my arms twitch, waiting for a response.

His broad shoulders shake. His mouth’s pulled tight, and his eyebrows are drawn together as he contemplates his next words. I wish I could sit in his lap while he wraps his strong arms around me. I want to soothe his pain by running my fingers over the lines of stress that cover his face.

“I don’t know how I feel, Ky,” he says, his voice pitched low. The vibration of it breaks as if his body doesn’t want him to utter anything about the demons that are buried deep within.

I swallow and debate my next words. I don’t want to start a fight, but I have to figure out what’s going on in his head, no matter how hard it is to hear. “Why won’t you touch me or make love to me?”

He grimaces. I keep my eyes trained on him, trying to read his body language, to grasp at anything to make sense of us.

“Why are you asking me that? What do you want me to tell you?”

“I want the truth,” I say. “I want to know why we aren’t working. We were never like this before, and I don’t understand what’s happening. It’s been hard since Kayla died, and we’re both handling things differently, but you seem to have backed away from me completely, and I don’t get it. What am I doing wrong?”

He goes rigid, and I can tell he doesn’t want to get into this. His face contorts. He takes a deep breath and stands, the chair sliding back forcefully. He places his large body in front of me and holds my face, looking into my distressed eyes. “Nothing. You’re doing nothing wrong. I’m trying to work through some things. I just need time.”

I look at him, and my heart starts to yearn for its other half. The half who seems to need a break. A break from what? What is he working through? I’m confused.

“Work what out, Cooper?” I cry. “I’m so confused. What’s changed about me? About us? I’m the mother of your child, for God’s sake. We’ve always been us. You and me. What’s going on? Please, I need to know.”

He lets go of my face and looks away. “I can’t tell you. This is my burden. Not yours. All it’ll do is make things worse,” he whispers.

I know he’s struggling, but he’s hurting me. He’s slicing me open every time he looks at me. Every time he holds back a touch. It’s doesn’t feel right anymore.

I slide to the floor, leaning against the cabinet. I need to be sitting to divulge my deep, dark, disgusting secret that I regret with every passing second. “I need to know. If you love me, you’ll tell me why it hurts to touch your own wife.”

This is a pivotal moment. I need the answer. I can’t stop wondering what’s wrong with me. Did losing Kayla, not birthing him a healthy baby, somehow tarnish what he thinks of me? I need answers.

“Kylie,” he groans, walking away. “I don’t want to do this right now.”

“No, Cooper! I need to know. It’s killing me.” I sob, feeling out of control at not being able to get to him. The weight of the world sits on my shoulders and is pulling me down, crushing me, burying me. My body rocks. I want to wail, scream, and lash out at the world. “I want you to tell me. I don’t care how much it hurts. Not knowing is driving me insane.”

I look up, pleading with my eyes for something. Anything to tell me what’s going on.

He opens his mouth and closes it quickly. His jaw clenches, his breathing rough. He’s trying to restrain himself. His body sags in defeat, and he sits with his back against the fridge. He tucks his head down with his hands behind it. “I don’t want to hurt you. I never, ever want to hurt you. This will hurt you.”

“Please,” I beg.

His body shakes as he expels an arduous breath. “It hurts.” The words get caught in his throat. “Every time I try, I feel pain. I feel sick. It’s uncontrollable. I’ve tried to fight through it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something is fucking wrong with me, but I just can’t do it.”

I try to hold back the brutal sob that claws out of my throat. The feel of utter rejection. I asked for this. I asked. Now it’s time I suck it up and listen. “Why? Tell me, baby, tell me why?”

He looks at me, tormented tears sliding down his face as well. He looks miserable, and I can’t do a thing to help it. We’re both dying in pain.

“I still see her, Kylie. When I close my eyes, she’s there and you’re there.” His body shakes violently as he forces himself to go on. “When I look at you, she’s still there. Fuck, I hate myself for this. I don’t know what to do. But when I try to make love to you, I can’t get into it. I need time to figure this out.”

I bring my knees up to my stomach and lay my cheek on them, trying to protect myself. I’m not sure what I’m protecting myself from. Maybe Cooper, or life, or from losing my baby. I can’t keep going. I want to stop this torture.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

I flip my eyes to his, our emotions on display like lines on a map. We can see everything. We’re at a crossroad. He can’t give me any more than he is, and I can’t go on without more to dull this ache that smothers me.

“I can’t do this anymore. I need something, an outlet for this pain. I’m going to go crazy,” I admit.

“I don’t know what to say.” His eyes glisten with sorrow and anguish. “I think we need to take a break for a while. Try to deal with this on our own.”

I flinch as if he’s just slapped me. Bile rises in my throat. A panicked tingling surges through every cell and nerve of my body. I hyperventilate and rock back and forth, hugging my knees. My heart races and tears burn my eyes like acid.

I can’t help the ragged, piercing scream that tears through me as I let out every ounce of anguish I feel, every molecule of pain that is singlehandedly destroying us.

I want to die. I want to be wrapped up next to Kayla and never see light again. I feel as if I’ve lost everything. The pain is so bad that I roll to my side in a ball and slam my fists into the cold tiles. I block out everything around me. The only thing that goes through my mind is the repeated mantra that I want to die. I want the pain to end.

I feel anger burn within me. Anger that life’s stolen my soul when I’ve done nothing wrong. I need to get out of here. I want to hide, escape. I try to roll to my knees, but I can’t see through the sting of tears. I feel arms wrap around me, and I claw to get away. He holds tighter. Too tight. The pain of wanting what I can’t have kills me.

Him. Her. My family.

“Kylie, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. Relax, baby. Breathe. Please, just breathe.”

I lose my fight at the low, ragged break in his voice. We’re so exhausted. So broken. Maybe we do need a break. Wasn’t that what I was going to propose anyway? Why does it hurt so badly? Why does it feel so earth-shattering? I don’t know what I’m doing, what I’m feeling, what I want.

“I don’t know how to say this,” I whisper.

“Say what? It can’t get much worse.”

I swallow hard and crawl out of his arms to sit in front of him. I stare into his green eyes. A feeling of sickness washes over me.

“I did something,” I confess, guilt seeping off me. “Something… I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. I was just hurting. I’ve been having these thoughts that maybe we should open our marriage to others.” I’m so ashamed.

He winces and heaves a deep breath. “What?”

“I need something you can’t give me. Nothing will change. We’ll still live together, keep our lives together, but maybe we can try to work through our pain this way.”

“What the fuck, Kylie?” He stands and moves away, leaning against the counter with his back to me.

I pray he’ll fight me. Get angry and take me forcefully. Make me feel as though I’m still his. This is my cry for him, for his love. I hope this doesn’t backfire. I’ll take anything, absolutely anything he can give me. I just need him, his touch.

“Tell me what you did,” he commands, slamming his fist into the granite. I hear him groan.

I get up to go to him. I need to reassure him. I haven’t done anything major. Yes, I’ve messed up, but we can still get this under control. I lay my palm on his back. He flinches away, and I feel the sting of new tears.

What have I done? Oh God.

He turns toward me, and the look on his face stops me cold. His eyes are the first thing that suck the life out of me. They’re disconnected, vacant, almost as if he’s decided to check out. I stand completely still, afraid to move.

“Tell me, Kylie. What did you do? You said you did something.”

He sounds eerily calm. My heart hammers, and I clench my hands, digging my nails into my palms. I let the pain help me block out Cooper’s cold, distant stance.

“I haven’t done anything yet.” My throat is dry, making my voice crack.

“Apparently you did.” He steps into my space. “Tell me what you did, baby.” He says the last word almost tauntingly.

“I contacted someone.” I cry, realizing what a disgusting person I am. How could I even think about doing this? My cry for his attention is backfiring. I’m losing him. The pain that slices through me quickly turns to anger. My husband’s unwilling to fight for me, to fight for us. “Are you going to say something? Anything?” I taunt, hoping he’ll show me some life, some fight. I put my lips as close to his as I can get. “Are you going to say anything? I need you, but I can’t have you.” I press myself against him. He looks at me and I see a small spark in his eyes. It’s enough to keep me going. “What do you want? Do you care if another man touches me? I don’t want it, but I need something. It’s the only thing that makes sense to me if you can’t love me.”

He stares at me, breathing hard. “You might be on to something. Maybe this could be a good way to work through the pain. We can set rules, come home, do things as normal. But as far as you and me, we can figure ourselves out on our own.”

I always wondered what it felt like when your soul detaches from your body. I thought you had to be dead to experience it, but I was wrong. I experienced it when I lost Kayla, and it felt as if someone had ripped the heart right out of my body. I thought I’d never feel that kind of pain again. But I was wrong. He’s agreeing. I didn’t expect that. I expected a fight, screaming, throwing stuff, but this… cold, resigned agreement slashes me.

“What?” I whisper, stunned.

“I can’t do this anymore either,” he says. “There’s too much here, and I think we could both use a break from it.”

Where did my Cooper go? “You’re okay with this?”

“Yeah, It’s… I’m good.”

He looks at me, and I see nothing in his eyes. Nothing at all. What the fuck just happened?

“Cooper, I made plans for tonight.” I swallow hard, my guilty confession tumbling out of my mouth. My heart stops, hoping this will shake him out of his stupor. I made plans, but I never wanted to go through with them. He’s forcing my hand. Oh my God… Is this happening?

He flinches slightly, and I see a flash of pain in his eyes. He swallows, and that hint of life leaves him. He’s giving up.

No, please. Don’t give up.

He tilts my face up to his. His eyes glisten with sorrow. Tears stream down my face. I just want my husband, but he doesn’t want me. I repulse him. I sicken him. My legs weaken as pain explodes within me like fireworks. He grabs me and holds me tight, burying his face in my neck. I feel him tremble.

He sucks in a deep breath, pulls back, and looks at me. “Life’s fucked us good, baby. I can’t cope, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to give you what you need. I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sorry. Nothing changes. I still love you. You still love me. We’ll just change some stuff. Figure out some rules. We’ll always come home at the end of the day. This is just a moment, a bump. We’ll figure it out later.” He kisses my nose and steps away. He walks out of the kitchen, taking my heart with him.

I crumble and roll to my side, pulling my knees into my body. I tremble and die a thousand deaths. I pray that when I’m done, I’ll be numb. I want to feel detached, because without it, I’m not sure I can handle this torture.

I blink, my body quaking with tremors from the cold water pummeling my skin. My stomach clenches, and guilt, so thick and heavy, invades me. I ruined us. In one sweep, in one day, I ruined everything we had. I betrayed my husband, but worse than that, I betrayed myself.

My hands shake as I wait for him to unlock the door. I can’t control the nervous twitches that steamroll through my body. I’m sick over what I’m doing. My legs feel like lead weights as he sweeps his hand to the small of my back to usher me in.

Why am I doing this?

What’s wrong with me?

Stop… Stop it, Kylie. I push away all my anxious thoughts. Cooper doesn’t want me. He can’t even look at me. I have to do this. Maybe after it’s done, I’ll feel numb, disconnected from my life. I need that to take this searing pain that centers near the core of my body away. It’s swallowing me with each passing second.

I walk into the posh hotel room, taking in the modern décor, and look back at Wesley. He smiles and closes the door, then walks over to me. My stomach revolts, knowing he’s about to touch me. I breathe as deeply as my lungs will allow, trying not to crawl out of my skin and cringe away from his touch. I need to force myself to go through with this.

“Can I take your sweater?” he asks.

I swallow, feeling my throat dry. “Sure.”

His hands slide up my arms to my shoulders, and he drags the sweater down slowly. He sets it on the sofa, his eyes gleaming. “Do you need a drink?”

“No, thank you.” I smile timidly and fidget with my shirt. Every nerve is screaming that this is wrong, but I don’t care.

I don’t want to care anymore.

He pulls me close and runs a hand through my loose hair. I swallow and look up at a face I don’t know. A face I really don’t want to know. My stomach churns.

“Calm down. I’m going to take care of you.”

His whispered words do nothing to calm me. They only inflame my need to escape. I war within myself and berate my body for being so screwed up.

I decide to just shut my brain off and do this so I can get the hell out of here. I lunge at him, dragging my hands through his hair and pushing my lips against his. I place my tongue on the seam of his lips, and he opens. Our tongues glide against each other for the first time. I shudder, but I shove the response away, not wanting to listen to my inner voice. I don’t care what the consequences are if this makes the incessant pain go away.

I grip his dress shirt and tear at his buttons, wanting to speed this torture along. He pulls back, surprised, and helps me. He looks needy, and I see his cock straining against his pants. His chest is smooth and tanned. I feel myself shudder again, not from lust but revulsion. He grabs the hem of my shirt. I breathe and painfully lift my arms, my insides sounding an alarm, desperately shouting no as he withdraws my shirt.

I swallow and look away as his eyes stroke my body. He groans in approval. His hands come to the front clasp of my bra, unhooking it. I squeeze my eyes together, trying to stop my tears as my breasts lay bare to him.

This is the first time any man other than Cooper has seen my tits. My shoulders shake and I suppress the urge to cover myself. His palms rake over my arms and against the sides of my breasts, caressing my torso. I groan internally, wanting to die, to run away. His mouth clamps over my right nipple, and my legs weaken. Cooper’s face flashes in my mind. I feel my heart wither and the first stab of numbness set in.

There are no words, no tender whispers as he moves from one nipple to the other. After he’s had his way with them, his hands grip the waist of my jeans, and my legs can’t take the weight anymore. I grab his shoulders, and he hoists me up to the bed.

I never look in his eyes. I never make any kind of emotional contact. I need to protect myself from the damage I’m inflicting. He lays me down and takes off my pants, pulling off my thong at the same time. When I’m bared to him, I hear him grunt and his zipper being pulled down. I fight the urge to close my legs when I hear the condom wrapper being opened. I can’t help the tortured sob that burns through my throat. I’m so overcome with devastation over what I’m doing that I feel the urge to die.

He pulls his naked body against mine and whispers, “Relax, Kylie. Try to breathe. I’m not going to hurt you, this’ll feel good. You’ll like it. I promise.”

His cock nudges my entrance, and I grip his back, my nails digging deep. He hisses, and I choke on a scream, suppressing every emotion as he pierces through me in one sweep. I see green eyes. My body convulses, my insides revolting as I feel a stranger rip into me repeatedly.

I feel no pleasure. After a couple minutes, my mind shuts down. He finishes quickly. I withdraw and grab my clothes. I need to get out of there. We say nothing. Not one damn thing.

He used me, and I used him.

I run to the elevator, punch the buttons, and race to my car.

I pull up at the house, my heart in absolute disarray. My entire body is strung so tight I feel ready to snap.

What have I done?

I scream as I pound my fist into the steering wheel. I’m so tortured by my own self. I’m imploding my own life. How could I do this to him, to us? I cry with my hands wrapped around the wheel and my head resting on it. I’m so lost and lonely. I’m sickened by who I am. After a while, I get out, hoping Cooper’s in bed and doesn’t see me like this.

I unlock the door and walk in slowly, seeing only the kitchen light. I close the door quietly, hoping not to wake him. I can’t face him right now. I can’t face him ever. I need to get to the bathroom and scrub that man off my body. I stop dead when I see Cooper in the hallway, looking at me.

His eyes slice through mine. It happens so quickly I have no time to disguise my betrayal. It’s all there in my rumpled clothes, messy hair, puffy eyes, and swollen lips. His head drops, and I see his chest heave. I want to run to him, but I know he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want my touch.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, my voice broken.

I stare at him, feeling my life flash before my eyes. Everything I’ve ever done wrong, everything I’ve lost, every good and bad moment. I know in the depth of my soul that this’ll go down as my biggest regret. I already feel the damage I’ve inflicted on us. I hear him breathing heavily, and I know he’s crying.

After what feels like forever, he brings his eyes to mine, and I break. My legs give out at the betrayal that seeps off him, punching me through the gut.

I never thought it was possible to die from a broken heart. But in this moment it’s all clear, in vivid clarity.

I have single-handedly fucked my marriage.

I have inflicted a damage so deep that it might be irreparable. Yes, he said he was okay with this, but how can he share the one thing that has only ever been his? The person he pledged his life to? What happens when that person steals that from you the way I have done this to him? How do you function? How do you go on?

I betrayed him. I was callous, selfish, and did something so wrong that it’s changed the course of our lives.

In this moment, with his devastated gaze blazing through me, I know I have hurt him deeply. I sit on the floor, broken before him. He cries, his eyes never leaving mine. He wants me to see what he feels. He wants me to feel what he’s going through.

“I’m so sorry,” I sob.

He stills and swallows, opening his mouth and shutting it. His body rocks from anger and rage, but he suppresses it. He holds it in. After a minute, he shakes himself and rolls his shoulders, clearing his throat. “There’s nothing to be sorry for,” he breathes, his tone something I can’t distinguish. “This is the new deal. We’ll just have to get used to it.”

He walks out of the room, and my heart stops. I’ve lost him. He’s gone.

Curled in the corner of the shower, naked and cold, I remember that day. I rock back and forth, ignoring the sounds around me. Shame and regret throb through me like the beat of a heart. Someone shouts my name, but I close my eyes, too exhausted to move. Too hollow to do anything other than sit here cold and void.

I’ve let so many people down. It started with Kayla, moved to Cooper, and ended with Gray. Why would Cooper want me after all I’ve done? I don’t deserve him.

The bathroom door swings open, slamming against the wall. I startle and look up at Cooper, standing there looking worried.

“Jesus, Kylie, what the hell are you doing? You’re an hour late.” He sounds upset, but when he looks at me and registers my shivering, coiled up body, he blinks and takes off his suit jacket. “Whoa, what’s going on?”

I cry. My body is being torn apart by grief. It’s tangible and hovers like a cloud around me. “I’m so sorry. God, I’m so, so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He climbs in the shower in his dress shirt and slacks, hissing as the cold water pelts his back. He squats in front of me, his face marred with concern. “What are you sorry for? Everything’s okay, Ky. Can you get up? Let’s get you out of here. The water’s freezing.”

His arms wrap around me, one gripping my waist and the other hooking under my legs. I cling to him and sob into his neck, repeating my regret and shame in continued apologies. I feel his breath feather against me, his warmth enveloping me. I clutch him tighter, not wanting to let go. He carries me to the bed and sits, cradling me.

“Cooper,” I breathe between sobs, “God, I’m so sorry. I ruined it all. Everything. You, me, Kayla. I killed it all. I killed everything.”

“Kylie, whoa. Hey, what brought this on? Let’s calm down.”

“I ruined you. I ruined us.”

He moves me off him and grabs my face, his eyes locking with mine. He shakes his head. “No, no, you didn’t. Stop this. What’s going on? Tell me.”

“Do you remember the first night…? The first night I came home and was with someone else?”

He blinks and looks confused. “Kylie, that was a long time ago.”

“I broke you that night,” I breathe out, devastated. “I fucked up everything. Did you stop loving me that day?” I stare at him, tears spilling down my face. I can’t keep in the haunting pain I’ve stuffed down for so long. He’s looking at me with such concern. His eyes are glistening and he seems torn over what to say. “That was the day, wasn’t it? The day you couldn’t look at me again. The day you hated me.”

Cooper’s blonde hair, wet from the shower, lays messily against his forehead. His dress shirt clings to his abs and chest. He’s still the most stunning man I’ve ever seen. From his piercing eyes that blaze right through me, to his incredible smile that can light me up in a second. He turns my body inside out. And I ruined it. All of it. I shared him with other women.

Who does that?

Who shares the man of her dreams?

Who tells her husband it’s okay to fuck other people?

“I’m sorry, Cooper. I was never good enough for you. I wasn’t even able to give you a healthy baby. I wasn’t there when you were grieving and needed me most.” I curl my arms around myself to hide my nakedness and my shame. “I’m sorry for being a constant reminder of what you’ve lost. For only thinking about what I needed and what you weren’t giving me. I’m sorry for not waiting, for not standing by my vows. I failed us. I wish I could go back and do it all over.” I swallow and force out this last part which kills me. “I’m sorry you can’t touch me without hurting. Without feeling sick. Without being repulsed. I’m sorry I turned out to be the opposite of the girl of your dreams. I failed you, myself, and Kayla.”

I bury my face in my hands and feel Cooper get up. I look and see him taking off his shirt, pulling down his slacks, and climbing onto the bed next to me again. He pulls the covers back, wraps his arms around me, and pulls me under them. He wraps his body around mine, pulling the covers tight around us. My body releases another sob, my trembling forceful. He pulls me in close, spooning me.

I feel his breath, a soft wisp sweeping across my ear, as he whispers, “You’re okay, Kylie. We’ve both fucked this up. You don’t repulse me. I never said that, and I never would. I wish I could take back what I said to you that day.” His chest heaves as he struggles with words. “I knew the moment those words came out of my mouth that they would tear you down. I never wanted to give voice to them. I don’t know why I did.” He kisses my head and grips me tighter. “You would have been an amazing mother.”

A tear drips on my head, and his voice breaks as he continues. “You didn’t do anything to lose our baby. Not one fucking thing. It was just the way the cards fell. We were screwed by life. I’ve let you down too. I let our family down. I just never thought we’d have to deal with that. Never thought it was in our cards.” His body trembles as he opens up to me. “I don’t know how to explain myself to you, Ky. It’s been hard to see you and not be able have you. I don’t know how to work through that. I’m not going to lie to you. A part of me is scared that it’s too late for us,” he exhales, anguish seeping from him. “That maybe too much has happened. But I have never stopped loving you. Even in my darkest hour I’ve loved you. It’ll never stop. I’ve been a bastard to you for so long. I shut down. It was the only way I could cope. I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better, that would heal you in some way, but I can’t.”

He heaves an exhausted breath as if he’s in pain. I turn to face him and gaze into his eyes. His eyes are warm, but they’re still saturated with unease and sorrow. He’s not all the way here, but it’s more than he’s given me in so long.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I love you more than anything. I haven’t shown you that, but you are my life, Cooper. You are my heart, and I’ve lost that. I’ve lost the most essential part of my body. I need you.”

“I don’t know how to give you what you need,” he whispers, tortured.

“Just try. Close your eyes and feel. Be with the person you married, Cooper. The girl you loved before everything went bad. We were happy. Don’t you remember the good times? Don’t you remember me, before all the pain? You loved me.”

He looks so unsure. I can feel that he doesn’t know how to react to me. It’s been so long, but here we lay, and the only thing separating us is a flimsy pair of boxers.

“Take a chance. Give me a chance… please, just one.”

He takes a breath and leans forward, gently pushing me onto my back. I breathe hard, my heart rapidly firing in my chest like a shot gun. His eyes close. I feel his breath against my lips as he hesitates, then closes the gap. He pushes against me so tenderly that my body melts. It’s just a peck, but I feel his body release a sigh.

“A chance,” he whispers hoarsely, crashing his mouth to mine.

I moan against him, taken with his taste and his body sliding against mine. Kissing him is like getting rain after a drought or having food after going hungry. It’s life-giving, quenching that ache that pours through every ounce of my blood. His kiss breathes life into me.

I grip his hair and pull him closer, wrapping my legs around him. His warm palms slide up my thighs and land on my ass. I shiver and hear him groan. The vibration pulls something deep and primal out of me. I grip his hands and bring them to my breasts, urging him to touch. I push his palms against them and hear him growl, “fuck.” He pulls his mouth away and latches onto my nipple. The feel of his tongue, making its first pass, has me blazing with need. I push his head closer, begging him to suck harder.

I can’t get enough, I can’t get close enough.

“Cooper, please,” I beg, desperate for more.

He pulls back, breathing labored. I could die happy at the spark of desire whirling in the depths of his eyes.

“Jesus, I’ve missed you,” he whispers, his voice rough with emotion. I watch entranced as his gaze drifts down my naked body, taking in all that’s changed. He runs his fingers over the curves of my hips and up my ribs, leaving goose bumps in their wake. Once they reach my collar bone, he looks at me. “How bad do you need me, Kylie?” His voice is dark, intense and troubled.

His question catches me by surprise. Can’t he see how much I need him? Can’t he tell how much my body calls to his? How desperate I’ve been for him?

“Tell me,” he growls close to my face. “Tell me how badly you need me. I need to feel it. Make me feel it.”

I clutch his cheeks. My heart aches that this beautiful man needs reassurance from me. I’ve damaged him enough that he can’t read me. He can’t tell how badly I want him. “Cooper, let me show you.”

I’ve said a thousand times how much I love him, how much I need him. I need to show him with my body. I have to offer him my heart and be completely vulnerable.

I move my hands to his boxers and pull them down as much as I can, pushing them off the rest of the way with my feet. I stare into his eyes and wrap my hand around his cock. I stroke it, feeling the smooth skin slide against the palm of my hand. I lean toward him and lick the seam of his lips.

He shivers as his mouth opens and his tongue peeks out, meeting mine. I gaze at him with lust and desperation, speaking my love without words.

His eyes gleam with unshed tears. I feel a sharp pain in my chest at how hurt he is, how unsure of us he seems. I urge him closer, stroking the way I know he likes it. I feel him tremble as his cock swells beneath my palm.

I have an overwhelming urge to wrap my mouth around him, so I shimmy down his body, kissing and licking along the way. I stop once the head of his cock is in line with my mouth and his balls rest firmly in my hand. I tilt my head back and meet his magnificent face. His huge body radiates need and hunger, and his eyes burn with fire.

He grabs the top of the head board as my tongue meet the tip of his cock. A groan escapes us both. His intoxicating flavor tantalizes my taste buds. My core throbs as I lick and suck his length. I never take my eyes off his. I want him to know that I love him, and nothing in this world could ever take his place. I caress his length, my body humming with passion and longing that can’t be mistaken for anything else. I move my tongue while rolling my hand against his balls. We’re lost in each other, unable to pull our gazes away.

“Kylie, God… Fuck, I have to move.”

I smile and swallow around his cock, giving him the okay. I want it, all of it. He moves, pumping his hips, the tip hitting the back of my throat. I revel in the choking feeling as I relax my throat. I grip his ass and rake my nails across it, leaving my mark. His body’s taut, strung like a bow ready to snap.

“Ahhhhhh, fuck… I’m going to come, sweet girl, and I don’t wanna do it in your mouth. Not this first time.”

He pulls out, his breathing labored. Before I know what’s happening, I’m being dragged up the bed and he’s between my legs. As if a switch has been flipped within him, his face is possessive, primal, and intense. My core aches for him. He’s on his knees in front of my legs. His eyes are so powerful that my heart skips beats.

“Oh God,” I gasp, unable to contain the anticipation buzzing through me. I’m on edge, every cell begs for what Cooper wants to give me.

He looks at my pussy and swallows, taking a few rasping breaths. I tense, not sure what he’s thinking or what he’s going to do. I’m not sure I can take him walking out on me again. I wait, my nerves picking up with every passing second. When his green eyes hit mine, I gasp at the ache I see behind them.

“I’m fighting the urge to take you rough,” he says. “To fuck you hard. To fuck every man who should have never touched this. Should have never seen this. Should have never been here.” Tears fill my eyes at the distressed, low baritone of his voice. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m afraid I’m going to hurt you. I don’t know if I’m ready for this. Ready to face us.”

I panic, not wanting him to withdraw. My heart beats so hard that my face throbs, and the whooshing in my ears gets so loud I have to close my eyes. I feel his body slide across mine. I grip my arms tightly around his waist and quiver as tears seep out the corners of my eyes.

“I’m not leaving you, baby. Don’t cry, please. I want to love you tonight. I just want to be honest with you.” His fingers caress my cheek, drying my tears. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you.”

My throat is tight, my body aching for him. “Please don’t make me beg for you. I need you. Let me feel you. I want you close. We can figure the rest out later. Right now it’s just you and me. Please.”

His cock nudges my entrance, and I hold my breath, scared he’s going to back away. He looks at me and places a kiss on my lips. Inch by inch, he slides his length into my wet, throbbing core. He groans deeply, burying his face in my neck and sending shocks of electricity through me. My body spasms around his. Once in, he stills, and our labored breathing is the only sound in the room. He pulls his face out of the crook of my neck and looks at me. His expression is so tender, so intimate that tears form in both our eyes.

“Kylie.” His voice is the gentle whisper of a lover coming home after years away.

“Cooper,” I breathe, gripping his face.

He doesn’t move for a while. He just stays inside me, taking in everything. His eyes pierce mine with warmth. My heart burns with a love so deep it’ll never die. A love that borders on addiction, that feeds my will to live.

I lean forward for a soft, intimate kiss. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him close. I want our bodies to touch in every area. He begins to move, his chest rumbling with a moan.

I move my hips with his and meet him thrust for thrust as tears flood their way down my face. I feel a burden release from my shoulders as he opens his heart to me. Goose bumps blister a trail of unrelenting bliss all the way up my body as Cooper says my name over and over like a cry to the universe. I cling to him and give him my soul, purging my pain with each of his thrusts. I pray in this moment we’ll be given peace from the heartache that has ravaged our bodies, hearts, and lives.

“Oh… Cooper,” I groan, my body firing rapid spurts of ecstasy.

I can’t contain the tremors that shoot through me and curl my toes as his chest rubs my nipples. He surges in and out with crushing thrusts. He possesses me, putting his stamp on my body and reclaiming me as his. I give him everything as I orgasm, screaming his name and clamping my teeth in his neck.

“Oh fuck, you feel so damn good,” he says. “So good, baby. Nothing compares… nothing. I’ve missed you so fucking much.” He pounds into me until his release shoots through him. Then he pulls his face from my neck, eyes hazy with pleasure. He shakes his head, his hair whipping against his face. “I forgot just how incredible you are. It’s been so long. Too long.”

I smile at him, not knowing what will happen after he leaves our bed, but happy he gave me this. It’s enough to pull me through any future hurdles, to hold me over while we scale the pitfalls of our marriage.

“It has,” I say, leaning into kiss his cheek. “I’ve really missed you, too.”

He smiles and I feel a little flicker of hopefulness swell within me again. “Why don’t you sleep? You’ve been up a while, and it’s getting late.”

He’s right. My body’s exhausted and my mind is ready to say good night, but I don’t want him to move. “I am tired. Will you be here later?”

“Yeah, I’ll be here.” He winks. “I’m not going anywhere. I do need a shower though, if that’s okay?”

I nod. He kisses my head before getting out of the bed. I roll over, feeling nervous energy beginning to whip around me. We have so much between us, so much to fix. I know sex changes nothing. He’s still unsure of us, of me, and I hate that.

He might not be ready to deal with us.

But I forged ahead anyway, laying my heart and body at his feet. I will choose to wait and give him whatever he needs until he’s ready. I’ve hurt him. I’m not perfect. We’re both responsible for ripping our marriage apart.

I close my eyes and drift off slowly. A little while later, the bed dips and his arms wrap around me. I allow myself a moment of relief. My body lets out a sigh as his warmth cloaks my heart.

All I need is him.

All I want is him.

As I give into the lingering effects of mental and emotional exhaustion, I soak in his body, letting it take me to the only place I’ve ever wanted to be… home.

I lie next to Kylie and watch her sleep, thinking she looks like an angel. Her breathing is easy and deep. The pain she usually wears is gone, giving her a soft, ethereal beauty that draws me in. Her long eyelashes flutter, and the pouty, full lips that I love to kiss, suck and bite are parted slightly as she releases breaths in small puffs. Her black hair cascades down her shoulders and over her breasts, where her sexy pink nipples peek out between the strands.

Her face looks calm and peaceful, reminding me of the girl who stole my heart with one smile. The girl who took, claimed and owned it from the first time I stared into her luminous blue eyes. Eyes that saw right through me. She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and all these years later, I still love her. I love her with a burning passion that’s hard to describe, an unending flame I’ll never be able to extinguish.

But loving her has caused unbearable pain. A feeling of worthlessness that I can’t even begin to describe. Loving Kylie has left me powerless. Being a man who’s always dominated and taken care of what’s his, it’s left me feeling like everything I’ve ever done has failed. She’s fucked me in more ways than one and has the power to demolish me completely.

The last two years have changed me as a husband and as a person. The pain that tore through our lives brought an acute awareness that life sucks. That people you love can destroy you.

After we lost Kayla, I thought I’d never again feel that gut-wrenching chasm. That pain that ripped me to pieces, leaving me crippled and out of control. But I was wrong. Really fucking wrong. The pain Kylie handed me was just as bad, slamming a sense of reality into me that I never imagined would come from her.

Her.

My wife.

The woman who owned me.

The woman I’d pledged every part of myself to. I had loved, cherished, and promised the world to her. She broke me and made me bitter. I’ll never forget the day she shattered my world.

It was a shitty, rainy day. I walked into the kitchen and found her throwing up. It caught me by surprise. I thought maybe she had the flu. God knows I wasn’t fucking her, so she couldn’t be pregnant. I was a loser. Something was wrong with me. Something I couldn’t control. I had fought so hard to touch and love her, but I couldn’t do it.

I needed to get myself together, and I never thought I wouldn’t get that from her. I saw her suffering. I saw her spark dimming as she struggled to get out of bed every day. She reached out to me constantly, trying to find solace in me. She cried at night when she thought I was asleep. She prayed quietly, begging God to fix her, to make things better between us. And I lay there, incapacitated by my own feelings of failure. Debilitated by thoughts over which I had no control.

I’d let her down. I had watched her give up our child. I had watched her break, and I’d lost complete control of the situation. I’d never felt so desolate, so blindingly lost. The day I had to go to my daughter’s funeral alone was the lowest point of my life. I went from feeling on top of the world straight to the burning depths of hell. I was powerless.

Completely fucking powerless.

Over the next months, my best friend had stepped in to do stupid things I should’ve been doing but couldn’t. Kylie and I dealt with stuff differently, and I never thought Kylie wouldn’t be there, wouldn’t give me the space I needed.

When she’d approached me about opening our marriage, my stomach ripped open. I thought she’d lost her mind. I knew she felt as though I didn’t love her, which was the furthest thing from the truth. I was dealing with my own failures as a man. I couldn’t function over the loss of my child and the pain my wife was going through. I was having intimacy issues with the woman who ruled my world. I tried my best to skirt around things, but it all became unbearable. I brought her to her breaking point. When she dropped that bomb on me, I thought she was crazy and overreacting. So I shut down.

I never thought she would do it. I was the only man who had ever seen or touched her. I owned every part of her body, every ounce of her soul, and every moment of her life. She belonged to me. Flat out belonged to me, and me to her. I never thought she’d actually fuck another man. Wrong again, motherfucker.

She did, and she did it all in one day.

She doesn’t know this, but I followed her the night she met with him. I followed and watched her meet him for dinner, watched her sit there and smile uncomfortably. Rage beat through me that night. I wanted to kill him. I wanted to rip apart the son of a bitch, but I had faith that my wife would never fuck me over like that. She just wouldn’t do it. I thought I knew her, could trust her. She was mine.

All mine.

When he held her hand and led her into the hotel, my heart dropped. I followed them and watched her walk into that room, but I still believed she would run out of there. I believed in the girl I married. There was no way she’d let another man touch, undress, and love her.

I waited and waited. Each minute that ticked by incapacitated me. I should’ve gone in there, but I couldn’t. What did I have to give her? Nothing. I prayed she was the girl I thought I knew. The one who would never hurt me that way. But forty-five minutes later, she came running out looking just fucked. In that moment, everything changed between us.

I dug deep and found a way to contain the rage and pain flooding my veins. I didn’t know her anymore. She’d betrayed me, and I used that betrayal to fuel my hatred of her. I needed that to continue living. It was the only thing I could use to drive my inner rage, because the truth was, I was to blame. I was inadequate as a man. I was the one who drove her away, and I was naive enough to believe she would wait.

When she left his room I wanted to die, but more than that, I wanted to hurt them like they did me. So I kicked the motherfucker’s ass until he couldn’t see or stand. Then I went home and waited for her. Ten minutes later, she arrived. I watched her try to sneak in. When she saw me, it was impossible to disguise my brokenness. I tried, but failed. I watched her break too, and as sick as it sounds, a part of me liked watching her suffer. She destroyed me and I wanted her to feel that. I knew things between us were irrevocably broken. I gave up on us. I couldn’t take the pain she’d so coldly handed out in the span of a day.

For the last two years, we’ve been hurting each other. No matter how screwed up it is, we can’t sever our ties. But tonight… Tonight things changed, and I’m scared to death. I don’t know if I’m ready. I knew before I made love to her that putting myself out there could send my life spiraling out of control. But I did it anyway.

For the first time in a long time, I let go. I couldn’t deny my urge to be close to her. It went beyond desire, skating along the edges of pure, primal need. I wanted to own a piece of my wife again. The first touch of her lips was enough to send my senses soaring, igniting the burn I had been dousing for so long. I needed to touch, hold, and feel her against me. I needed to be inside her. I wanted desperately to be reminded of what we were before all of this shit happened to us.

Kylie has the ability to reduce me to nothing. She has such a tremendous amount of power over me that it can become impossible to breathe without her. If I go there again and things get worse…

It’s not that I don’t want to fix this, because I do. I want to reclaim her. I want to give her everything I promised I’d give her. I’ve never wanted to hurt her. All I’ve ever wanted was to love her, give her the world, and fuck the life right into her. But what price will I have to pay to have her back in my life? Is she going to annihilate me again?

I look at her and try to see the girl I married. The one I wanted nothing but the best for. The one I loved with all my heart. I see her in there, but I also see a woman who has cut me deep, slashing the illusion of happily ever after right out of my mind.

I trail my hand across her silky cheek as I watch her eyelids flutter slightly at the contact. I can tell she senses my touch. She curls in close, almost purring. My heart slams against my chest, and my dick comes to life from awareness of her mere existence. But something else happens too—my stomach clenches in pain.

She holds one too many cards in my life, and I don’t think she has a clue what kind of power she holds over me. In the last two years, I’ve done a good job leading her to believe I don’t give a shit. I needed to do that for my sanity, to keep myself numb and block out the constant pain. But in doing so, I’ve hurt us both.

At what point does the torment we’ve created stop? When do I say ‘enough’ and fight the demons tearing us apart? Do I just say fuck it and put myself at risk to be shattered again? When I look at her like this, relaxed and nestled against me, I want to. I want to take a chance. The truth is, living without her is miserable. But what kind of relationship can we have without trust?

She’s disabled the part of me that can be open and trusting. Sex, no matter how amazing, won’t fill the crater that has taken root inside me. It’s not going to fix the constant burning in my chest when I look at her. It’s not going to erase the haunting images of her with other men.

Seeing her in the shower tonight gutted me. She’s suffering just as badly as I am. I have the power to fix it. I have the power to change our lives. I need to dig deep and find a way to fight for her the way she seems to be fighting for me. Having her in my arms again is a wake-up call. I could lose her, and I don’t want that to happen.

Grayson said something to me in the office a couple weeks back that scared the living shit out of me.

“What the hell is wrong with you, man?” he seethes.

“What do you mean?” I look at Gray, trying to calm myself down because all I want to do is plant my fist in his face. I’m sick of him meddling in my life.

“You’re going to lose her,” he whispers.

I know what he’s trying to tell me. I see it in the way things are unraveling around us. I just don’t know if I can, or even want things to change between Kylie and me. There’s too much to work through, and I can’t take the risk of her coming back and stabbing me in the heart.

“You know I care about you, bro. I care about her too, though,” he says. “More than you’d care to know.”

My pulse throbs. I feel myself starting to hyperventilate from the rage and jealousy pitted deep in my stomach. It snakes its way right up my fucking spine. Is this bastard trying to make a move on my wife?

“What do you think you’re doing with her, Gray? Because you know you can’t fucking have her,” I snarl. If he goes there, I will hunt him down. “I’ll kill you if you touch her. I trusted you with my wife, but I’m starting to think that was a goddamn mistake.”

He paces, and my pulse spikes as my anger explodes. I slam my fist into the center of my desk, pain shooting straight through my hand. His head swivels around, and his eyes connect with mine.

“Don’t you fucking go there.” The monster I try to keep tucked down deep bubbles out of me hard and fast.

He runs his palm over his face. “What did you expect? What the fuck did you think would happen?” He throws his hands up, his body stiff as his eyes bore into mine. “I’ve been cleaning up after you for so damn long that something was bound to happen. She’s a beautiful, soft-spirited, broken woman. Her heart is pure gold. I can’t help but fall in love with her. I want to see her smile, watch her bloom, and bring back the life that has died in her eyes. I love you, bro, but you don’t deserve her.”

It takes every shred of my self-control to not slam his ass to the ground. The cold hard fact is: he’s right. I’m a fucking piece of shit. I have no one to blame for this situation but myself. I‘ve messed this up bad. I haven’t fought for her, and I’ve let him clean up my shit for me. I know Grayson. This is him giving me my last warning.

“She loves you,” he continues. “I know what she’s done to you, and I know it’s hurt you. Look at me, man. I know what she did to you. I understand.” His voice cracks.

My chest heaves and constricts. I don’t want to talk about this. It’s too painful.

“Just listen to me, Cooper,” he pleads. “Be a man. Be her man. She’s a woman who needs to be nurtured, taken care of, and loved. She’s crying out for you. No one other than you is going to cut it. You need to dig deep and find a way out of this hole you’ve buried yourself in, or else you’re going to lose the one good thing in your life. And once you do, there’s nothing I’m going to do to fix it. I don’t want to take what’s yours, but if you don’t get your shit together, then I’m done standing around.”

When he told me that, it pissed me off. But as messed up as the bastard is, he’s right. I’m going to lose her if I can’t figure out a way to save us. And I’ll be damned if I lose her to him. Tonight was a turning point for me. What direction are we headed in? I have no idea, but after making love to her, I can’t go back.

I snuggle closer, wrapping my body around hers. I close my eyes and focus on the feel of her skin and the smell of her hair. I force myself to relax and enjoy having my baby back in my arms. Tonight was the first time in over two years I’ve been able to make love to my wife. The feelings and thoughts that stir inside me are painful.

I’ve been an asshole. I promised her I’d be there through the good and bad, and when it got rough I gave up. I left her and took the easy way out. I run my hand up and down her back, letting my fingers caress her soft skin. It won’t be easy to move forward.

There’s Layla…

As I glide my hand against her body, reveling in her warmth, my chest aches. This thing I have with Layla is going to hurt her. I don’t want to tell Kylie about it, but I have no choice. If I want my life with her back, then we’ll have to be honest about just how dirty things have become. Our lives have been self-destructing for so long, it’s time to see if we can face things together without running, drowning ourselves and our pain in others.

I’m not the only one who has developed feelings for someone else. Kylie has Gray. I’ve noticed things changing between them, and that kiss they shared at the lake just confirmed my suspicions.

Grayson’s in love with my wife. I don’t blame him. He’s been there for her through all of her moments of grief, and I let him. I even called and asked him to deal with her, take her to appointments and help her with things. He’s been playing ‘man of the house,’ and no man can be around Kylie without seeing the beauty within her. She’s always been one of those girls who has this aura, this vivacious energy that draws you in and doesn’t spit you back out. It was only a matter of time before she trapped him with those big, soulful eyes and addictive, passionate spirit.

The first thing I noticed about my wife was the way she wore her heart on her sleeve. I could always see what she was thinking in the depths of those icy blues. It’s what made me fall in love with her. Those eyes pulled me straight to the edge of bliss and didn’t let me go. She made me want to take care of her and show her the world. When she smiled and laughed, it lit my heart on fire. She gave me a burning contentment that nobody had ever made me feel.

I remember being a sixteen-year-old boy and deliriously in love. Did I know what love was at that age? Probably not, but I knew that she made my world turn. Kylie made me feel alive and ready to take on anything and everything. Even though my feelings for her were young and innocent, maybe even stupid, there was always something that stood out. Something I would’ve bet my life on…

She was handmade for me. I didn’t know how I knew that. I just knew the world was a better place with her by my side. My love for her grew every day. It went from an innocent love, to a mature love, to the marrying kind of love. I wanted to own her, and I wanted her to own me the same way.

I unwrap myself from Ky and sit up, needing to move. My mind’s a mess. She makes a whimpering sound in her sleep. I turn back and run my hand over her cheek. She’s beautiful. I’m a lucky man. I’ve just forgotten how lucky I am. We’ve lost so much time, done so much damage. I run my palm over my face and head to the kitchen for a beer. This woman’s consuming my every waking thought, and to be honest, it’s making me uncomfortable.

Emotions and thoughts I’ve cut off are coming back fast. It wouldn’t take much to become completely wrapped up in her again. I can’t forget the pain. We absolutely can’t go back to “normal” after all this. I can’t say fixing us will be an easy ride, or that we can even do it, but I’ll take the risk. I just hope it doesn’t explode in my fucking face.

Heat radiates against my cheek as I try to roll over and take in my surroundings. I groan, my neck in pain from the uncomfortable position I’m in. I feel hot leather beneath my ass, and scattered in front of me are several beer bottles on the coffee table. I blink a couple times and scrub my hand across my jaw. As I sit up and roll my shoulders in an effort to relieve the ache, I look across the living room and catch a pair of twinkling eyes. Kylie smiles timidly, and my heart stutters, causing my morning wood to throb.

“Hi, sleepy head,” she says softly.

She looks gorgeous curled up on the other sofa in nothing but a thin top and a tiny pair of shorts. Her hair is up, giving me a glimpse of her sexy shoulders. I can’t help but drag my eyes down her body. They land on her nipples, which are pushing against the material of her shirt. My already throbbing cock becomes painful. My mouth waters, wanting a taste of her again. I tap that urge down, knowing we need to talk first. I inhale, forcing my eyes away from her chest, and reprimand my dick silently for being an asshole.

“Hey, did you sleep okay?” My voice comes out husky, and I’m sure she can tell I’m turned on by the steel rod straining against my boxer shorts. With what she’s wearing, there’s no fucking way I’ll be able to keep the bastard down.

“Pretty good. You couldn’t sleep?” She points at the empty bottles, and a small smile pulls at the corners of her lips.

“You think that’s funny?” I ask lightly, quirking a brow and rubbing my temples.

“Kind of.” She laughs, leaning all the way back and pushing out her tits.

I swallow, glancing at them, then at her face. I notice a flush covering her cheeks as she crosses her arms to hide her heavenly goods.

“I forgot how uncomfortable this damn sofa can be,” I say, moving my hands from my neck. “I wasn’t tired last night, so I figured I’d have a drink. That obviously turned into a couple.”

Her face lights up, and the little creases at her eyes make her look carefree for just a minute. She laughs again, and the sound stirs my heart. I haven’t heard her laugh in a long time. It reminds me of the good times we had before things got rough, and one moment in particular hits me hard in the gut.

“Oh my God,” Kylie shrieks from the bathroom. “Cooper, oh my God. Get in here now!”

I walk quickly into the bathroom. She stands there holding a little white stick in her shaking hands. My body immediately goes on alert, all the blood rushing to my chest when I look into her glistening eyes.

“We did it,” she whispers, shoving the stick in my direction.

I look at her, then the stick, my throat growing tight. With shaky hands, I take it from her and look down at the two bright pink lines. My already frantic heart hammers harder, and my palms sweat as I look at my wife, then back down again.

“We’re pregnant?” I ask, my voice gruff in disbelief. I want to believe it, but shit! Does this tiny thing really say I’m going to be a father?

“We did it. I took six of them.” She points at the tests lining the counter with a thrilled expression.

I look at them, at all the pink lines, and I can’t stop the pleasure that whips through me. I look into her icy blue eyes, already filled with tears.

“We’re having a baby,” I murmur. “Holy shit, I’m going to be a dad.”

For the last six months, I’ve been fucking my wife like a raging sex addict. Being newlyweds, our sexual drive’s a given, but keeping my hands and dick away from her has been impossible. Her body’s a temple, and she’s my personal goddess that I’ve been happily worshiping twice, sometimes three times a day. The need to have my child growing inside her body settled in as we crossed the threshold on our wedding night. I knew the moment I placed a ring on Kylie’s finger that I wanted her pregnant. I wanted to give her the family we had always dreamed of, and I didn’t want to wait. There was no reason to. The thought of her being the mother to my child was all I wanted.

It was a claim to her that I couldn’t wait to make.

“Yes!” she squeals. “You’re going to be a daddy.”

“Daddy.” I roll the word around my tongue for a second. “I’m going to be a dad.”

She smiles at me as if the sun rises and sets with this news. And it does. In our world, it does. Kylie’s my sun, and finding out she’s pregnant is the dawn of a new day for us as a family. Her face is filled with so much warmth and adoration that I melt in a puddle at her feet. My wife is pregnant with my child. She has a piece of me inside her body.

“You’re going to be a daddy, Cooper Bailey. You’re going to be my baby’s daddy,” she whispers.

I scoop her up, wrapping my arms around her, needing to feel her body against me. She wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist. Warmth floods me, inside and out, as I bury my face in the crook of her neck and laugh. “I can’t believe we did it, Kylie. We’re going to be parents.”

I pull back, and she grasps my face, her eyes blazing with love. God, I’m lucky. I’m the luckiest man in the world.

“I love you. Your baby’s growing inside me, Cooper. You’re running through my veins right now,” she murmurs.

Tears fill my eyes. This is our dream as a couple, as a family. It’s bliss, pure fucking bliss.

“I couldn’t love you more than I do now.” I kiss her sweet lips. “I can’t wait to have a little you walking around.” I vibrate with joy at the thought of a little girl walking around in tutus, heels, and her mommy’s lip gloss. If I close my eyes, I can see it. I can see a little Kylie with black hair and blue eyes, and my heart leaps out of my chest. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. “The first time I saw you, I knew you’d be the mother of my child. And it’s finally here, Ky, baby. It’s finally happening.”

I want to take her right here and make love to her, thank her for this gift. I love my wife, and we’re having a baby.

Our baby.

I’m overcome with emotion as I gaze at her. She’s the answer to my every prayer, need, and want.

“You’re my wife, my lover, and now the mother of my child.” My heart is this girl’s for the taking. I want to make her happy. I want her to feel every ounce of love I have for her. She keeps me breathing. It’s a pussy whipped thing to say, but without her I’d be nothing. “Our lives started when I first laid eyes on you. I remember that moment vividly. They moved forward when I made you my wife, but this, this baby, is the start of our journey. I’m going to give you the world. I promise you that. You’ll never go without, and our child is going to be so lucky to have you for a mommy.”

Her eyes glisten, and a softness crosses her features. The moment is intimate, the air thick with emotion. I can’t imagine sharing this part of myself with anyone but her. I can’t even envision how beautiful she’s going to be with a big stomach. I can’t wait to rub her back and swollen feet and love her through this. My heart is pounding with thoughts of our future.

How did I get this lucky? It’s almost unreal. I have a gorgeous wife who I love more than life itself, we have a good home, and now we’re having a baby.

“Thank you,” she whispers against my lips, her warmth coating me, calling me. “Thank you for giving me you. This is everything I’ve ever wanted, Cooper. I’m going to have a family. My own little family with you.”

Her eyes close as she soaks in that information. In this moment, I feel as if the entire world is in my hands for the taking. Nothing stands in our way. I feel invincible, untouchable, and for the first time in my life, I feel whole. With Kylie and the baby, my dreams for the future are coming true. I’m going to take care of her like I promised. I swear I’m going to love her so damn hard.

My woman and our baby. The thought is heavenly.

“Yeah, beautiful,” I reply, smiling. “Our family. You, me, and baby. Nothing else matters. I’m a lucky bastard.” And I am. The luckiest bastard in the world.

I gaze at Kylie, remembering that day. We were in love, so hopeful and excited. She was carefree, happy, and beautiful. Our excitement made us fearless. We were ridiculously naive. I don’t know how we went from that to this. I don’t want this for us anymore. Being inside her last night and having her here with me this morning makes me aware of what we used to have.

What we should still have.

“You okay?” she asks, her smile fading. “Where did you just go? You seemed miles away.”

I’m hit with the urge to hold her, to have her close. I want her back. I want to make her feel whole again and try to figure out my shit in the process. I’ve been fighting us, and it’s been stupid. Yeah, she hurt me pretty fucking badly, but I’ve been hurting her too.

“Come here, Kylie.” It comes out as a low command.

She blinks and looks confused.

“Please, baby,” I whisper.

She stands, and I swallow, looking at her body. She walks tentatively, her hips swaying as her longs legs move gracefully. My wife is sexy. I don’t think she realizes how enticing and erotic she is. I’ve watched her interact with other men. I know she knows how to use her sensual charm to her benefit, but with me, she loses that confidence. It’s something I need to fix. I need to bring back my sex kitten. The sex kitten who took and owned my mind, body, and soul as equally as I did hers.

She sits next to me. Not nearly close enough. I decide ‘screw it’, I need to hold her. I pick her up and put her in my lap. She gasps, and I move my hands to her face, focusing my eyes on hers. She looks taken aback, and I smile. I like that I’ve surprised her.

“What are you doing?” She giggles.

“I wanna talk to you.”

“Okay…” she whispers.

“I want you to know last night was good. It was a surprise, but I wanted you, and I think we needed it. We have a ton of shit to work out. I don’t know where to start, but I remember when things were good.” My eyes search hers for understanding. She nods, so I continue. “We have so much to talk about, but I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. That’s never been you.”

She smiles, a tiny curl tilting her lips as her eyes crinkle at the sides. “No, I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut and my emotions in check.”

I shake my head and chuckle, because she’s right. She’s always been my dainty spitfire. I love that about her. “No, you haven’t, but I know this is difficult and we’re both unsure of each other. We don’t know where to go from here, but we’ll figure it out. Baby steps? Yeah?”

She nods. “So no regrets over last night?”

Her eyes hold a glimpse of anxiety that I immediately want to soothe. No matter how bad things have gotten, I’ve never regretted a single moment of my life with Kylie. I may regret the choices we’ve made or the way things have worked out, but not her.

“Never,” I whisper. “I could never regret being with you. I’ve always loved you. That’s never stopped. Even in the most painful moments when I wanted to hate you or when I didn’t understand you, I’ve loved you.”

I lean forward and kiss her softly. I drag my hands from her cheeks, lacing them through her hair. She sighs when I pull away after that small kiss. I keep my hands where they are, restraining myself from taking it further.

“I know we’ve hurt each other, and there’s some stuff we need to talk about.” I grimace, my stomach tightening when I think of telling her my secrets. “It’s not going to be easy. Moving forward never is, but if we’re going to make it, then we both have to try. I’m ready to do that. I need to learn to listen and not run. I’ll probably fuck up, but we’ve come this far and we’re still hanging on, so that has to mean something. I don’t think we’ve ever let each other go, but I’m ready to find you, find us, if you’ll give me a chance.”

Tears trail down her cheeks, and my chest seizes. I hate seeing her cry. I hate seeing her hurt, and last night comes back fresh.

“I ruined it all.”

“I fucked up everything. Did you stop loving me that day?”

She places so much blame on herself, and I’ve let her. I’ve blamed her for everything. I’ve placed my failures on her shoulders. I’ve convinced myself I never agreed to an open marriage and she made that decision without me. But that’s not true. I didn’t fight for her. I let her down.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I prod.

“I’m… I’m a little overwhelmed. I keep asking myself if I’m dreaming. Are you really here? I’ve needed you for so long, and last night was…” She blinks, trying to figure out what she wants to say. “Last night was like coming home.”

Those last two words tickle my skin, inducing a burn from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. My skin blazes, and my heart rate increases to frantic speeds.

Her eyes twinkle, the blue glinting beautifully against her olive skin as she continues. “I’ve missed you. I didn’t know how to get through to you. I’ve been fighting myself, trying to figure out what I could do to fix us. Last night was… God, it was everything I’ve wanted. Then this morning… this morning, I was scared.” Her eyes glaze over with that ache they always have. My body burns to take that pain and replace it with something else. It wants to soothe her, draw that out of her and protect her.

She takes a deep breath. “I rolled over, and you weren’t there. I thought you had run. I thought you had left me. I wanted to believe you’d still be here like you had promised. But I thought… last night wasn’t enough. I would never be enough, and nothing I could do would save us.”

Tears trickle down her cheeks. I stroke under her eyes to dry them.

The last couple of weeks have been opening my eyes. From seeing her in the Keys, to finding out about Nate, to watching her with Gray. From the office, to the standoff at Grayson’s apartment. It’s been chipping at my sanity and we’ve finally hit a breaking point.

This is it for us. I don’t just want to fix this, I’ve got to. This girl’s been in my life since I was sixteen years old. She’s in my blood. I woke up thinking about her and closed my eyes to thoughts of her. I ate, breathed, and lived this girl. I’ve lost that, and it shows in every area of my life. I’ve been miserable. I lost the thing that grounded me.

I’m taking it back. I’m grabbing it and running with it. Fuck the repercussions. I’ll deal with them as they come, but I’m jumping on this ride and taking every damn thing I can from her. Because I need her.

“I’m here, baby.” I move my lips to her cheek.

“I know you are. When I saw you on the sofa, I felt like I could breathe again,” she admits.

“I’m not going anywhere. Not anymore. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been. I want you back. I hate all this shit between us. I hate that I haven’t been the man I promised I’d be. Don’t give up on me again.”

She pulls back and looks at me, her brow furrowing. “I’m not going anywhere. I’d never give up on you. Is that what you think? That I gave up on you?”

My throat tightens when I think of the night I felt betrayed. “Yeah.”

She swallows, her eyes dropping to her hands. “I’m sorry. I never… I didn’t… I was messed up.”

The moment becomes tense. We’re both holding on to a lot of hurt. We both have a ton of unanswered questions and things we need to talk about.

“I think we gave up on each other.”

She lifts her eyes to mine. “Yeah, I guess we did. But I’ll never go down that road again. I only want you.”

“Are you sure about that?” I ask, needing some sort of reassurance.

“I’ve never been surer of anything in my life,” she whispers, her blue eyes wide with honesty.

My heart rate triples. I wish I could believe her. I wish I could trust her, but this is a good first step. I want my wife back. “Can I touch you? Kiss you? Make love to you again?”

Her breathing becomes rapid, and her chest brushes mine. Her voice comes out soft and breathless. “I’d love nothing more.”

I pull back, needing her to see my hunger and primal need to earn her back. I exhale as desperation to possess her sets in. “I’m going to make you remember me again. Once you do, you’re never going to want to let another man touch you.” I shift her around so she’s straddling my legs, and I pull her face to mine. My nose touches hers, and my breath fans her lips. “I’m going to work you so good, it’ll be impossible for you to see, feel, or need anything but me, Kylie.”

She trembles, trying to respond, but I place a finger to her lips to hush her so I can continue. “I’m going to make you mine. Every square inch, I’ll own.” I kiss her and slide my tongue in her mouth for a brief moment. She moans, and my cock throbs in response. “You’re going to hand me every piece of your body and soul, and I’m going to do the same. It won’t be today, because we have a lot of work to do. It won’t be tomorrow, but I swear to God, I’m going to earn every part of who you are. I will claim you.”

She gasps, her lips parting, and I don’t hold back. I crash my lips to hers, pushing my tongue into her mouth. Her flavor is intoxicating, a mixture of Kylie and mint. I groan and rub my dick against her core. My tongue passes back and forth over hers. I gently brace her back against my legs and move my hands to cup her full breasts. I drag her shirt down and free her perfect nipples. I pinch and pull the pink buds as she grasps my shoulders and struggles for air.

My heart rate skyrockets, and adrenaline makes me feel animalistic. I claw at her clothes, needing to slam my cock deep into her. I want her to remember and feel me when she leaves this room. I want her to know that no other man can give her what I can. I want her to sense me deep within her and know that even when I’m not buried inside her, when we’re apart, I’m still there. That even though I abandoned her I have never stopped loving her, not for a second, not for one moment. She’s always been my heart. And while my heart might be a mangled mess, I’m going to try and let her smooth out the dents.

I’m not running. I’m finally ready to face this, us.

“Tell me what you want,” I say roughly, reaching for her shorts. “I want to know what you need. I’m gonna give it to you.”

“You,” she says, breathless. Her eyes flash with the same hunger I feel. “I just need you. All of you.”

I’m hit with immediate satisfaction, an almost barbaric, caveman feeling of bliss. I want all of her. No more holding back, no more fucking bullshit—just us. Once she’s bare below, I whip her tank over her shoulders and take in her nipples and the curve of her tits. My mouth waters to bite and suck them.

“Fuck baby, you’re gorgeous.” I moan as I run my palms around her breasts and grip them firmly.

“Harder,” she whispers. “Pull on them harder. I like it rough.”

My cock, already steel, turns almost painful at her request. “Jesus Christ, I want to fuck till you can’t stand.” I slide my hands up her chest to grip her neck. Our noses touch, and I train my eyes on hers. “I want you to understand something and understand it good.” She nods, and I continue. “I won’t share you anymore. I want you to understand that. From this second forward, you are mine and I am yours. I don’t give a fuck how either of us is feeling. There’ll be no more sharing. Understood?”

She quivers slightly as her eyes close. I see a couple tears trickle down her face. My heart, already frantic, thrashes, and my throat catches in unease.

“Kylie, look at me. Tell me what’s wrong, baby? You have to tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Do you know how badly I’ve wanted you? How long I’ve been dying for even a sliver of your attention? I’ve just needed this.” She opens her eyes, her voice cracking as if she’s forcing the words from deep within her soul. “I’ve done some shitty things, but you’re all I’ve ever wanted. It breaks me that I’ve shared you. That someone else has had you. The thought of you with another woman kills me, Cooper.”

I swallow the lump wedged in my throat and kiss her wet cheeks. I pull her against me. “We can’t change what’s done, baby. I wish we could, but we can’t. We’re going to have to deal with that pain, but right now, I need you to understand that the sharing stops today.” She nods, and I feel a weight lift off me. I feel a thousand tons lighter. “Close your eyes,” I say, wanting to silence her thoughts.

She complies. I lean her back on my knees just enough to glide my hands down to her pussy. Her chest heaves. Her breasts move up and down, gloriously sexy. I have to work to control the animal inside me. It’s clawing and growling to rip free and take her in one thrust. But she doesn’t need that right now. She needs to be reminded of us.

My fingers reach the top of her sex and stop. I sweep them slowly across her lower abdomen, teasing her. I watch her tremble and hear her moan. Having her in front of me sends a sensation I can’t even describe straight to my cock. I close my eyes, trying to compose myself.

My chest hurts, my breathing’s heavy. She’s wet, so wet I can smell it. My fingers itch to touch her, but I deny it. Instead, I move my mouth to her soft nipple and graze it with my teeth. She lets out a purr, a fucking purr. Her body jolts as I suck her and tease the top of her pussy. My dick spasms when her fingers grasp my hair, pulling me harder against her breast.

“Holy shit, Cooper. Please, put your fingers inside me,” she begs.

Her voice is low, all sex, and my balls tighten. I like her like this: needy, panting, and wanting. “Is that all you want? Just my fingers?”

I breathe against her nipple to watch it pucker, then graze it with my teeth. She groans and moves her hips, almost pleading for me to touch her.

“How many fingers do you want, Kylie? Tell me.”

“God, please. As many as you—”

I don’t let her get out the last words. I thrust two fingers into her warm, wet channel and plunge them in and out.

She pants and moans, her hips grinding against my hand. I need to see her eyes.

“Open your eyes,” I command.

She does, and the fire behind her irises sets my entire being ablaze, an inferno of longing lit within me. I want to be inside her so fucking badly that I quicken the pace of my fingers and glide my thumb over her clit. I rotate it, putting just enough pressure to get her to climax.

“Do you need more?” I ask.

“Yes.”

I love the desperation in her tone. “How much more? Tell me!”

“I need you,” she pleads. “More than your fingers. I need your cock.”

God, I love her dirty mouth. She’s on the brink; I can feel it in the heat that beads from her pussy. I press my thumb into her nub just like I used to and continue my relentless finger fucking. She trembles. Then I hear her mewling and see her eyes close as her climax hits her hard and fast.

Satisfaction courses through my blood at the look of sheer pleasure that skitters across her face. It causes my body to pulse. I can’t contain myself when I see the hazy glint burning in her eyes. I flip her on her back on the sofa, chuckling as she squeals.

“You are the sexiest fucking thing when you orgasm,” I whisper, running my palms up her legs as I stare at her pussy. It’s swollen and wet. My cock aches, and the torture nearly drive me insane. I have to slam into her right now. “Was that enough?”

“Uh huh…”

“I need to take you now. If I get too rough, tell me.” I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t deny my instinct to slam into her anymore.

She smiles a devilish smile as I remove my clothes. Her eyes drop to my cock that’s begging to be inside her, to be loved and wanted by her. I need her so badly that the edges of my sanity are splintering apart.

No words are spoken as I move on top of her, aligning the head of my dick with her opening. She spreads her legs wide, coaxing me to her. When I feel the lips of her pussy, I almost lose my shit. A growl rips from me. I bury my face in her neck, taking in her scent and the smell of us together. I ram myself inside her. She gasps and I still, sheathing myself to the hilt. I pull back to look at her, and my lungs seize at how beautiful she is. Her black hair is spread out behind her, her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are filled with ecstasy.

“Tell me you’re okay,” I whisper.

“I’m the most perfect I’ve ever been,” she answers softly, her breath fanning my lips.

I stare into her incandescent eyes and slam into her. I take her mouth, stroking her tongue while I love her. My pace is crushing, bruising as my need for her unleashes. She gasps and moans and her nails dig into my back. Sweat beads on our skin as our bodies meet. I put everything I have into her, tipping my hips up so my cock rubs her sweet spot. I try to consume her senses as she crawls underneath my skin. She takes over, intoxicating me one cell, one organ at a time. She invades my blood, addicting me to her sweetness.

My mind and body become hers without my permission.

The fear of loving her encircles me and hits me in the gut. But there’s no choice. I was made to love her. She’s mine, and I am hers. As we come together, fucking each other back into our blood, I know the future will be rocky. But I’m finally finding my footing again. I’m eager to claim her soul and stake my rightful place in her life. After this, I won’t let her go.

I feel her pussy grip me like a vise as her orgasm takes her. Her breathless moans fill the air, coating everything in a sheen of sex and desire. Seconds later, my balls tighten, and my release follows. I empty deep into her.

As I come down from the high of having her, my chest tightens. Things are about to get real because Layla and Grayson are going to be knocking on our doors very soon.

Three days later…

As I arrive at the office and put the car in park, I glance at Kylie. She looks stressed as she gazes out the window. I notice her eyes land on a red BMW. I know what she’s thinking, because I’m thinking the same thing.

What the fuck are we doing here?

This morning I told her I had some things to work on at the office. I’ve taken three days off, but I can’t take any more. Of course she wanted to come with me. She’s missed a lot of time the last several weeks, and Cali’s had to pick up the slack. Things have changed really quickly between us, and we’re about to walk into an uncomfortable situation.

I’m nervous. We haven’t talked about Gray or Layla. We’ve spent the last couple of days getting to know each other again. We didn’t broach any sticky topics. I guess we were afraid, so we lived in a cocoon of “lovers getting reacquainted.”

I watch her carefully lean back against the cool leather seat, and I soak in her beauty. She’s got on a pink blouse that dips low and a tan skirt that gives me a peek at her long, luscious legs. She looks edible, her olive skin shining in the sun. Her forehead and cute little button nose are scrunched up as her head works through whatever’s going on in it.

My stomach knots when I think of walking into that office and seeing Layla. We should have discussed this, but I didn’t know how to bring it up. We’ve been together a long time, but the time we’ve spent apart has changed us so much that I need to get to know her again. I need to rediscover how her head works, how she processes things. Maybe keeping her out of all this and away from the office is the way to go.

I feel my heart beat increase as I wonder if she’s thinking of Gray. It’s only been a week since they’ve talked. Does she miss him? Everything in me rages to keep them apart. I don’t know how she’ll react to what I have planned. How she’ll react to the rapid changes in our lives. I place my palm on her knee, trying to gently get her attention. She startles and whips her head around so fast, I flinch.

“Whoa, are you okay?” I ask, looking into her eyes.

She takes a quick breath and gives me a weak smile. “Yeah, sorry. Are we here? That was quick.”

I arch a brow at her scattered reaction. “Where were you?”

She sighs loudly. “I was just thinking. It was nothing much, really.”

“It didn’t look like nothing to me. In fact, I’m pretty sure I know where your thoughts were,” I say, my voice gentle, looking toward Layla’s car.

She grimaces and angles her body toward mine. Anxiety plays across her features. “I forgot how well you read me.”

“Mmm… I’m trying to read you,” I say. “We don’t have to do this, you know?”

“We’d have to do it eventually. Why wait?”

“That’s true, but maybe this is too much, too soon.”

“I don’t know, Cooper.” She sounds defeated, almost resigned to dealing with this now.

“Things have changed, Ky. They definitely have for me.”

“They changed for me a while ago, Cooper.”

I still, taking in what she just said. “When did they change for you?”

She looks up as if contemplating her answer. “I think they changed the morning after Nate. When I saw you the next day.”

I feel a surge of heat at Nate’s name. I hate that he’s had her, that she went there with him. “So you haven’t had sex with anyone since then?” I could kick myself for needing to know.

“No. No one,” she sighs.

That makes me feel a little better, but I still have a nagging feeling she’s leaving Gray out of that equation. “Are you really ready for this?”

She looks at me seriously. “Can I ask you something?”

I nod.

“How are you going to handle Layla when we get in there?”

I lay my head back against the seat and gaze out the window, thinking about her question. Layla was just a hook up. I do care about the girl, but only in the sense that I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I don’t want to make her feel used and thrown away. I don’t know how she’s going to take the news that Kylie and I are trying to work things out again. She definitely knew the score going in, so this shouldn’t come as a shock to her.

“I’m just going to talk to her. Tell her it’s over. I don’t think it’ll be that dramatic,” I say, looking at her.

“She seems to really like you.” Her eyes hold hurt like this is eating at her.

“Layla knew what she was getting with me.”

“And what was that?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“I’m not sure,” she whispers. “But I think I need to know.”

I blow out a breath and cringe internally at what I’m about to say. “It was just sex, Kylie. Nothing more than that. She was a shoulder for me to lean on and someone to keep me company. But that’s it.”

She rolls her head and pushes a hand through her hair. She looks tortured, and I know what she’s going to ask next. The question is plastered across her face. “Do you have feelings for her?”

I swallow, not wanting to answer. Some things you just don’t need to know. “Why are you asking?”

“Because I need to know what we’re walking into,” she says, frustrated. “I need to know what was going on before things between us changed.”

I think about Layla and all that we’ve done together. Our talks. The times I’ve confided in her. The moments when I felt okay with her. Do I have feelings for her? Yeah, I do, but nothing that comes close to what I have for my wife. How do I say that to her? Do I lie and tell her no?

“There are things you don’t know,” I say delicately. “Things I still need to tell you. I don’t think this is the place or time to go into it. Yeah, I have feelings for her, but they’re nothing. I care about her because I’ve used her to escape. I don’t want to hurt her.”

I see the anguish in her eyes. I know this is hard. We have months of pain ahead of us. We’ve both created a lot of damage.

“I hate this,” she says. “I hate her.”

“I don’t think you should hate her, baby. She hasn’t done anything that we both haven’t done.”

She flinches as if I’ve slapped her. That was a low blow. I think of all of the men she’s shared a bed with that I don’t know about. All the times she came home smelling like someone else. Kylie has no idea what I’ve been doing for the last two years. If she did, I think she’d feel even more overwhelmed than she does now.

“Look,” I whisper, “this is fucking awkward. How we’ve managed to become so messed up, I don’t know, but I want to handle Layla and Gray myself. I don’t think you should be involved.” I know Grayson won’t be in the office today, which was why I was okay with her coming. This thing with Layla needs to be handled quickly. We don’t need her hanging over our heads.

She blanches. “Handle Gray?”

“Yeah.”

“Nothing happened with him. I don’t know why you don’t believe me. It was a kiss, and you saw it. I just wanted you to see me.”

“I’ve always seen you. I haven’t shown you that, but I’ve been paying attention, Kylie.”

She looks as if she’s almost in physical pain now. The moment my words grip her, she splays a hand across her stomach as though she’s going to be sick. “I think we should go in. We can talk about this later.”

“Later?” I ask, confused by her reaction.

“I need some time to think. I’m okay with you handling Layla alone.”

I look at her and try to determine what’s going on inside her head. I feel my blood pressure surge. She won’t meet my eyes, and that’s makes me really uneasy. She’s acting as though she can’t process this right now. Fuck, I don’t trust her. She’s shown that when she can’t handle something, she acts out.

A weird thought floats through my head: What’s bonding us together at this point?

I hate that thought, and I’ve never asked myself that before. I lay my head back and think over the first time I saw her, the first time we made love, and when I asked her to marry me. I think of the good times. Without a doubt, she’s worth it. There’s more to us than just a messed-up marriage. Our bond goes much deeper than that.

“I don’t want you to worry about Layla, baby.”

Still, she doesn’t respond, causing my gut to clench.

“Kylie, look at me,” I command in a gentle voice.

She sighs and turns her head toward me. Pain litters every inch of her face. It slams me hard and fast, and I feel an intense urge to soothe her, to make her see we’ll be okay. Things will be rough, but we’ll make it.

“Tell me what you’re thinking. Don’t shut me out like this.”

“You wanna know what I’m thinking?” she asks. “I’m thinking that we were something so special before Kayla. What’s happened to us? How did we become this? I don’t understand. Were we this fucked up before we lost her and just didn’t know it? I’m struggling to understand who I’ve become and what we’ve done to each other.”

“I’m trying to understand it, too,” I whisper. “I don’t know the answers.” My body aches as I feel the uncertainty that is our life. “Do you love me?”

She looks confused. “Do I love you?”

I nod. Why I need confirmation from her, I don’t know, but I need to hear it. She climbs over the console to straddle me. My breathing picks up as she grips my face and smiles.

“What I feel for you is much stronger than love. That’s just a word. Love’s supposed to be shown, not told, and I haven’t done that.” Her eyes close for a second and reopen, shining with tears. “I’m a mess. I’m sure you can see that. I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. I’m jealous and territorial and that makes me crazy, but I did this to us. Layla has you because of me. That’s hard to accept, and it’ll be a long time before I do.” She runs her fingers across my jaw, her features softening as her eyes stroke their way across my face. I warm at her loving touch and my blood begins to burn for her. “We just need to figure out what to work on first. I know Layla and Gray have to be tackled before we break down what we are and what we have, but me loving you has never been in question. I love you. I’ve always loved you.”

Her words coat me, sinking in and surrounding me. Somehow the pain from losing our baby got us lost. We lost ourselves and each other along the way. I wish we could go back, but we’re two completely different people now.

“We’ll find a new normal again,” I say. “We just need to work out the kinks first.”

Her eyes crinkle as a small, heart-stopping smile spreads across her face. She drags her hands into my hair, raking her fingernails along the way. I swallow hard, soaking in everything about her.

“I like the idea of a new normal,” she says, moving in for a kiss.

Her lips graze mine. I place my hands on her hips and run my palms up her back and through her hair. I pull her in closer, pushing my lips harder against hers. Our mouths stay closed, but her heat penetrates my heart, giving me the reassurance I’m looking for. She steals my breath, soothes my soul, and reminds me of what I’ve missed. As I feel her pressed against me, my mind flashes to her in bed. We’ve always had an intimacy that can’t be replicated. She makes me feel like a man and brings me to life.

After a minute, she pulls back. I stroke my knuckles against her cheek, feeling her satin skin. Her eyes sear and slay me. Their intense power over me will never fade. Regret beats its relentless drum through me. It grabs me by the balls and slams me roughly. I’ll never forgive myself for what I’ve allowed to happen to us.

“No,” she says, gliding a finger across my mouth. “I know exactly what you’re thinking.”

“You do?” I ask, my tone gruff.

“I do. But it’s okay, Cooper. Don’t do this to yourself.”

“I can’t help it,” I whisper.

“But you can’t change it, either.”

“And that’s the worst part,” I exhale.

“Let’s just handle one thing at a time. I’ll trust you to handle Layla, and I’ll try to stay out of the way today. But only today.”

“You will?”

She looks down as she thinks about what she wants to say. “I don’t like the idea of you alone with her, but I want her gone like last season’s shitty shoes.”

I laugh as her comment breaks the tension. She can’t help but throw in a little dig. That’s my spitfire. “I’ll talk to her today,” I say when she looks up. “But I think we need to discuss this thing with you and Grayson a little more.”

She nods, but her shoulders stiffen. “Okay, but can we talk about this later? Maybe tonight? We’ve been out here a while.”

“Sure,” I say, unease setting in again. I don’t like her attachment to him.

She smiles weakly and gives me one last peck before climbing back over the seat. My muscles tighten as I watch her dip to grab her purse.

She sits back up and opens the car door. “Are you ready?”

I’m not, but I nod anyway. I watch her get out, those legs seducing me. I swallow the urge to push her against the hood of my car and fuck her senseless. I walk around the vehicle and notice how she looks at me appraisingly. My eyes seem to have a mind of their own. They wander down her body, taking her in. It’s an addiction. I can’t stop looking at her. It’s been so long since she’s been this close to me that I can’t seem to control my need for her. I follow her succulent curves all the way down to her feet. I blink once, twice and shoot my shocked eyes to hers. Hers go wide at the look on my face. I can’t believe her. I can’t fucking believe her.

“Kylie!”

“It was just one pair. I swear,” she says quickly. “Just one.”

The look on her face is priceless. She really thought I wouldn’t notice. Her little nose scrunches up again, and I want to kiss it. I want to grab her and kiss her senseless. I laugh because she’s crazy about her damn shoes. Her spending is out of control. I know which pair these are and how much they cost. She has them marked on her laptop at home, and I notice things even if she thinks I don’t.

“Yeah, but that one pair cost four grand, baby. Four fucking grand.”

She’s caught red-handed. There’s no way she could cover up an expense like that. But my face is filled with mirth, and she laughs. Her body lightens and the sound of that laugh is worth every dollar, every damn penny. I’ll buy her a million pairs of shoes if that’s what’ll keep her happy. She’s gorgeous today, like the rise of a sun.

Bright… blinding… stunning…

“I know they’re pricey, but it’s been a while since I’ve bought any. I’ve tried to listen to you. The last pair I got was given to me by Gray. So I thought I’d splurge,” she says, her voice soft.

Her face changes instantly when she sees the irritation spread across mine. Her admission that Gray bought her pricey shoes stings. My blood pressure rises like a bubbling volcano. He bought my wife shoes in an effort to woo her. Yeah, I get that it’s just shoes, and I’m sure other assholes have bought her shit, but Grayson is different. She says there’s nothing going on and the kiss was just meant to get a rise from me, but I have serious doubts. I swear to God, if he’s had a taste of my wife’s pussy, I’m going to put his ass six feet in the ground.

“Tell me what’s going on with you and Gray.” I can’t contain the jealously that rams me like a truck.

“What?” Her eyes flare. “I told you: nothing. Nothing at all. I wouldn’t go there with Gray, and I haven’t.”

“It’s doesn’t add up, baby. He buys you shoes that cost thousands of dollars, but nothing’s going on? You kiss him, but nothing’s going on? You stay at his house for weeks, but nothing’s going on? Were you in his bed?” That’s a fucked up thing to ask, but I can’t stop the possessiveness that’s smothering me.

“Cooper, listen to me. Nothing’s going on,” she says adamantly. “I’m telling you the truth. I haven’t had sex with him. I wouldn’t. Didn’t we just agree to talk about this later?”

“Yeah, we did, but it’s hard to do that when he’s on my mind. Shit,” I mumble, scrubbing a palm over my face. “I wanted to talk to you about this before we got here, but I’ve had a hard time keeping my fucking hands off you and I didn’t know how to start the conversation.”

Her face instantly becomes tender. Her eyes close, and she quivers. I’m lost at her reaction.

What the hell is going on with her?

“Say that again,” she whispers, staring at me intently.

“Say what again?”

Her chest rises and falls. Her eyes fill with tears and my body freezes. “Tell me! Tell me you couldn’t keep your hands off me. Say it again, Cooper.” Her voice cracks as she demands I tell her again.

I stare at her, letting the words wash over her. I feel the wind knocked out of me. I’ve starved my wife… I’ve starved her of my love. She was never insecure. When I met her, she was a beacon of confidence and carried herself in a way that told me she knew what she was worth. I grab her around the waist, bringing her close to my body. I kiss her ear, feeling her shiver. God, I love how I affect her, the way she feels in my arms.

“I couldn’t keep my hands off you,” I murmur, my breath whispering against her ear. “You’re addictive, Kylie. I love the way you smell, the way you feel, the look in your eyes when you stare at me. I love making love to you. I love it all, and I want it again and again and again. I can’t keep my hands off you. I’m sorry for being an asshole. I’m sorry for hurting you. Most of all, I’m sorry for making you feel like this.”

She holds me close. I feel her body shake as she cries. I hurt because she hurts. I hurt because so much unspoken pain stands between us. I hurt because we’ve invited other people into our lives that are wedged between us now.

She pulls back. “I need you. There’s no one else, Cooper.”

I need her too, more now than ever, but that doesn’t make her thing with Grayson okay. It has to stop. I don’t think she’d be happy if I strung Layla along. I can’t share my wife anymore, and definitely not with my best friend.

I need boundaries.

“You can have me. I want you too, but this thing with you and Gray… It feels like something more is going on. Please, I need you to be honest with me. I don’t want you to be scared. I’ll let it go, I won’t hold it against you, but I need to know if you’ve slept with him.”

Her eyes soften as she sees in mine my doubt and desperate need to hear the truth. “I promise absolutely nothing is going on. He hasn’t touched me anymore than a kiss.”

“Okay,” I whisper. “But I need you to put some space between the two of you. I want you to let me handle him. Trust me to take care of this.”

“What are you going to do?” she asks, her eyes glinting with unease.

“I’m going to do what I should’ve done all along. He wasn’t supposed to get this close to you, baby. He was never supposed to cross this boundary in our lives. I need things between the two of you to be severed. I can’t have you going to him for things. He doesn’t need to know what you’re feeling. That’s for me and me alone. I get that he’s been there. I know that I’ve let him. I get that you guys are close, and I really hope you’re telling me the truth. I really fucking hope he hasn’t touched you. If that’s the case, then it makes it easier for me, but this isn’t normal. He’s in love with you, baby. He is in love with you.” I hope she understands the intensity of that statement.

We aren’t dealing with a little crush. He feels something for her that goes deeper than I think she realizes. He has real, grown fucking feelings for her. He wants my wife for his own.

I continue. “I’m trying to come to terms with how he feels for you. The truth is, I’m responsible for it. I pushed him to take care of you, and now I’m dealing with the consequences. If you keep him around, it’s going to be hard on us. We don’t need that. We already have enough shit to work through. If you care for him or me, you’ll understand keeping him around isn’t fair to either of us.”

“So you want me to cut him off? Without saying anything?” she asks, her voice dropping. Her forehead scrunches and she splays a hand over her chest. “He’s my best friend, Cooper. He’s been there for me every day. I can’t just cut him off without a word. He’ll be at the office today. What am I supposed to do? Ignore him?”

“He’s not coming near you because he won’t be in the office today.” I watch her carefully as she takes in that information. Her eyes narrow in confusion. “I’m not taking the deal with their company, Kylie. I’ve decided not to do business with them. I’m in the middle of pulling out.”

Her face pales as she takes in that news. “What?”

“I’m not taking the deal.”

“Why? This is all you’ve wanted. I thought you signed it already.”

“Nate and I were working through details, but nothing’s been signed.”

“I’m confused. Why would you turn it down? It makes no sense,” she says.

I feel my emotions churn at her response. She screwed the boss, and she was close to crossing the line with my best friend. It’s time to separate myself, my wife, and my marriage from all of this shit. Work means nothing without her. She was given to me to love and protect, and I haven’t done that.

“It was my goal, what I thought I wanted, but I need us more. Can I tell you what I think?” I ask.

She nods, still upset and unsure. I pull her back against me and hold her face, caressing her cheeks with my knuckles. I see her eyes feather shut as her breathing picks up. A feeling low in my gut seizes me, something protective. I don’t want to share her with him or anyone else. Our lives need to be fixed. I have to say this, so I let down my guard and go on.

“Things between us are pretty fucked up. Our relationship’s unstable, Kylie. This won’t be easy for us. This is me trying, baby, but I need you to understand something. I don’t trust you.”

She recoils and looks away. I wish I could say this in a way that won’t wound her, but we’re so raw, cut open, that I don’t think any more damage can be done.

“No, don’t look away. Look at me.” She does, and I feel sucker punched. Her face is filled with an emotion I can’t read. A piece of her black hair falls in her eyes and I tuck it behind her ear, just needing to touch her. “I know you don’t trust me either, Ky. That’s okay. We’ll work toward that. We’ll take our time and fix us slowly. I just need you to work with me, let me handle this. I swear I will do my best not to hurt you and to become what you need me to be.”

My chest throbs as I gaze into the eyes that can put any grown man on his knees. I grip her tighter, and she wraps her silky arms around my neck. I feel possessive, needy, and I fucking hate it. I hate that this girl owns the edges of my sanity. I tuck my face in the hollow of her neck and let her scent entice me to relax. I give in to her and force myself to try to trust her. If she’s telling me the truth and she hasn’t fucked Gray, then I can work with that. I should’ve been taking care of her all along.

“I don’t want to share you.” I groan, the thought of him touching her churning a storm in me. “Please, this thing with him needs to stop. Let me work that out. Let me take care of Layla. Don’t worry about the business. I’ve got it. You know me. I know what I’m doing, and I’ve got something else worked out.”

She sighs, weaving her hands in my hair. “God, Cooper, I don’t want you to give all this up because of me. I don’t want to ruin things for you any more than I have.”

“You haven’t ruined anything. We’ve both screwed this up. But seriously, listen to what I’m saying. No more Gray. He’s my responsibility. I can handle this for us.” My heart rate doubles as I wait for her to tell me what I want to hear.

“Okay. No more Gray.” She sighs. “I don’t want to hurt him, Coop. I really don’t. This is going to kill him. I feel like a piece of shit just cutting him off.”

I pull back and look at her. I know I’m being a dick, but she’s mine, and I’m going to take care of what’s mine. “What about me? Do you want to hurt me?” Fuck, she doesn’t want to hurt him? What about me? I don’t give a rat’s ass about how he feels. How can she even think that this wouldn’t bother me?

She looks shocked by the question. “No, of course not. Never.”

“Good. Because thinking about him with you makes me feel deadly.”

Understanding penetrates her features. “Are you jealous?” she whispers, her eyes gleaming.

I look at her a minute, gauging her reactions that feel new to me. I feel a buzz low in my belly. She’s crushed up against me, her nipples stroking my chest, her hips hugging my legs. “Yeah, I’m jealous. I’m not letting you go again. We may fight, we may scream, throw shit, and get angry, but I finally have you back, and fuck if I’m letting anyone else have you.”

“That feels good,” she murmurs with a shy smile.

“What feels good?” I rub my fingers across the arch of her cheek.

“You feeling jealous of me. It’s been a while.”

My throat tightens as I struggle for words. “I’ve never stopped being jealous of you. I just… I’m sorry, baby.”

“It’s okay,” she whispers. “I think there’s a lot that we’re both sorry for.” We stare at each other. After a minute, she smiles weakly. “We should go inside.”

I look around the quiet parking lot and nod. I’m dreading it, but Layla awaits. “Okay, we’ll talk more later. Are you going to be okay? If you want to go, just yell.” I smile, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yell?” She giggles.

I kiss her cheek, grab her hand, and lead her to the entrance. “You know what I mean. Just come get me.”

“I will.” She stops just as we get to the door, pulling on my hand. “Cooper, wait, I need to ask you for something.”

“Okay,” I say quietly.

“This is going to sound stupid, but please don’t touch her or let her touch you.”

She winces, and I notice the possessiveness that takes over her body. My dick stirs at the way she wants me only for herself. I love it. We’ve been drowning our desire and need for each other for too long, and now our buried feelings are springing to life.

“I won’t,” I say.

“Just say what you need to say and keep your distance. Please? For me?”

“What do you think I’m going to do with her?” I ask.

“I don’t know.” Honesty and vulnerability filters through her words. “But my mind’s running away with me.”

“Try to trust me. I won’t hurt you anymore, Kylie.”

“I’m trying.” She trembles.

“You can be there with Layla and me if you want to,” I say, attempting to make her feel better. I really don’t want her there because I don’t know what’s going to be said or how it’s going to go, but I also don’t like that look in her eyes. She’s given me the opportunity to deal with Gray, so I should do the same with Layla.

“Your face is telling me another story, Cooper. I can see right through you. You don’t want me there,” she says, her tone hurt.

“It’s not for the reason you’re thinking.”

“Whatever the reason, just tell me that this is it. After this, no more with her.”

“This is it,” I say, pulling her in for a hug. “Nothing’s going to happen but talking. I promise.”

“Okay.”

“One day, one moment, one step at a time, Kylie.”

She nods and pulls back. We continue through the doors. When we step inside, I pull on her hand to stop her.

“One other thing,” I whisper, pulling her flush to my chest. She looks at me wide-eyed. I bring my mouth to her ear. “When we get home, those shoes Gray gave you are getting burned.”

She laughs, the sound tickling its way to my cock. “Oh my God, are you serious?”

“As a motherfucking heart attack.”

Her giggle lightens my chest. Let’s hope that at the end of this, we’ll be better off than when we started.

I hear a knock and look up as a head of glossy auburn hair peeks in the door. Layla smiles, her green eyes dancing happily. My stomach tightens. Damn, I hate to be a dick to this girl. She’s been really good to me.

“Can I come in?” she asks in that husky lilt that first caught my attention.

I lean back and bring my eyes to hers. “Yeah. I was just going to call you in here actually.”

“Did you need something?” she asks with a temptress smile.

I swallow and avert my eyes. She steps into the room, closing the door behind her. Suddenly I feel hot, almost suffocated. I pull at the collar of my shirt. The way she’s staring at me makes me uncomfortable. She thinks she’s coming in here for a quick fuck.

“Nope, I just needed to talk to you,” I say, as casual and unaffected as possible.

She sits on the edge of my desk, smiling at me as she crosses her legs. I remind myself that I need to do this in a way that won’t hurt her. She knew I was married and that things between us were strictly sexual. Yes, I used her, but that was what she signed up for.

“Okay, about?” she whispers, her eyes locking on mine. She leans forward, revealing the dip between her tits, and my eyes go to a place they’ve been time and time again.

I’m a man. Women are beautiful. It’s hard not to look, especially when a woman as beautiful as Layla flaunts herself in my face. But as soon as I see the swell of her breasts, Kylie’s face pops into my head. Having her again reminds me that no other woman can come close to her beauty.

“Us.” I lift my eyes to hers, watching her face cautiously.

She sits up a little, the gleam disappearing from her face. “Okay… Is something wrong?”

I collect my thoughts. “Yeah. You could say that.”

Her eyes skip across my face. I watch her carefully. She casually smiles again, as if dispelling what I just said, and drags her gaze down my body, pausing on my cock. I feel blood rush to my head as she draws her bottom lip into her mouth and lazily lifts her eyes back to mine. The woman’s a fucking tiger. She could eat me alive in seconds.

“Where have you been the last couple of days?” she asks, ignoring my last statement.

I feel my body tighten with the sexual energy she releases. There’s no doubt we’ve had some good times. Times where I’ve needed and used her, but there have definitely been others where I’ve fucked her raw, pushed her hard while thinking about another blue eyed beauty. One that’s been haunting me and following me for the last two years. One that I need to earn back. And this, what she’s throwing at me right now, is not something Kylie would be okay with. It’s time to come clean.

“I’ve been with my wife,” I say as gently as I can, waiting for the backlash.

“What?” Anger and hurt flares in her eyes, and her vixen composure slips.

I feel like shit. This is what happens when you play with fire too long. “I’m sorry, Layla. I don’t want to hurt you, but we’re working it out.”

“Do you really want her?” There’s a sting in her eyes that hurts me to see. She’s walked into this knowingly, but she’s still a woman, and one with a heart. She doesn’t deserve to be tossed to the side without an explanation.

“Yeah,” I say, trying to be delicate. “I’ve always wanted her.”

“I don’t think you know what you want,” she whispers, her voice wounded but serious.

“That’s not true. You knew where I stood. I never wanted to hurt you, but you knew what you were getting with me. I’ve told you plenty of times how I feel about Kylie.”

“Yeah, you have, but you don’t need her. You think you do, but I promise you don’t. I could be good for you, Cooper. I can give you something she can’t.”

“Don’t, Lay, don’t do this,” I say in warning.

“No, you need to hear this. You’ve got to understand what kind of woman you’re going back to. You owe me this.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I say. “I’m not going to let you tear her down.”

“Fuck that, Cooper. You’re either naïve or stupid. I can’t decide which, but I’m saying this anyway. Your wife can’t be loyal. I can. I can be faithful to you. You’d never, ever have to doubt my commitment to you.” She searches my face.

I feel my blood pressure rise, pulsing through my nervous system like poison. I can tell what she has left to say is going to be damaging. I see it written all over her face.

“Please,” she continues, “please just stop and remember how many times she’s screwed you over. How did we start, Cooper? You and I?”

“It doesn’t matter how we started. None of that matters. I love her.”

“Do you even know how many men she’s taken to her bed?” She shakes her head, eyes glinting with upset. “Ask yourself how many men have touched your wife, have been buried inside her body.”

I try to contain the hurt that picture paints. My foot taps until I can’t contain the urge to move. I stand and walk over to the window. Kylie’s made mistakes. I get it. It hurts so fucking badly to think of someone touching her, but does it matter? Does it mean anything? My insides twist, wringing me dry. “Stop,” I expel, tortured. “Please, stop this bullshit.”

I can’t speak. The thought of Ky being handled by someone else knocks the air right out of my body like a pitcher throwing a fastball and hitting the batter. There’s a lot I don’t know. So much so, that if I actually knew, I wouldn’t be able to bear it. The guilt would devour me.

“Jesus,” she murmurs, “she doesn’t know, does she?”

My hurt turns to anger. “What the fuck does that matter? It doesn’t. All that means nothing.”

She walks around the desk like a cobra getting ready to strike. I brace myself. No matter what she does, it won’t work. When I close my eyes, all I see is Kylie. When I breathe, all I smell is Kylie. Good or bad, I don’t give a shit anymore. I simply don’t care about anything but fixing my marriage.

“This,” I say, pointing between us, “is over. You knew what you were getting with me. I was very clear. What did I tell you when we started this?” I pause, my brows rising. “That this could be over at a moment’s notice. Well, Lay, this is your notice.” I cringe inwardly at my hateful tone. “I didn’t want to be a bastard, but you’re insulting my wife.”

She laughs mirthlessly, her eyes filling with disbelief. “What are you now? The fucking Brady Bunch after a couple days?” She throws her hands up and shakes her head. “Wake up, Cooper. She’s going to screw you over again. It’s inevitable. Do you really think she’s going to be faithful to you?”

“We had an agreement, Layla. There was no unfaithfulness in my marriage. I knew what she was doing.” Of course I felt betrayed by my wife, but Layla doesn’t need to know that.

“Are you sure you knew exactly what she was doing?” she asks. “She’s been pretty damn cozy with Grayson. Wasn’t that one of your ridiculous ‘lines in the sand’?”

I try to stay calm, reminding myself that Kylie insists nothing is going on between her and Grayson. No deep feelings, no sex, and that I can deal with. We’d set boundaries, and as messed up as they were, they were there for a reason. Yes, I led myself to believe I’d get over the men she would rotate through her door, but I knew that if she’d fallen in love and had sex with Gray, I would lose it. It’d sever us completely. He’s like my brother, and I’d feel fucking lethal if there was something deep going on there that she’s lied to me about.

“There’s nothing there. He looked after her, and obviously they’ve developed a close friendship, but that’s it. Not that any of this is your business.”

“Are you sure about that?”

My blood’s thrashing in my ears like angry waves in the middle of a thunderstorm. I don’t know what I think or what I’m sure about, but I know I’m going to give Kylie the benefit of the doubt, because we’ve both repeatedly fucked up. She knows me better than anyone in this world and her screwing Gray would be like me screwing Cali.

She wouldn’t do it.

“I want my wife back, and nothing you’re saying or trying to get me to believe will change that. I love her, Layla. The past two years have been nothing short of torturous, but I finally have her back. I’m not going to let you or Gray get in the way.”

She whips her head back and forth, her eyes flaring. “You’re being naïve. You don’t know her, Coop. You think you do, but she’s changed. You’ve told me everything she’s done because you needed someone to confide in. Taking her back and playing house like nothing’s happened is stupid. You’re both not even close to being able to move on. I don’t know why you bothered staying married to that nasty bitch.”

That comment sends me fucking volcanic. Heat swells deep within my chest, lava spewing from every fiber of my being. “Are you fucking kidding me? You have no idea what we’ve been through. It’s a nightmare watching your dead child being pulled from your wife’s body. You have no damn clue what it’s like to see the life drain out of her or how fucking powerless and pathetic it makes you feel. Do not ever come at me and degrade my wife and our marriage.” I try to control the shaking that’s ripping through my every fucking muscle.

“She’s my soul, Layla, and I don’t deserve her. You might not understand that, but I don’t deserve one ounce of her. Have we fucked up? Yes. But it’s not your place to say shit to me about my marriage. My mistake was getting involved with you in the first place. I should have never said a word to you about Kylie.”

She looks stunned, but I’m not done. I lightly grip her face, not letting her eyes budge from my stare. I would never hurt a woman, but she needs to know that talking about Kylie in such a way is crossing the mother of all lines.

“Let me fill you in on something,” I say, my tone heated. “My life, from this moment forward, is not up for discussion. Know your place. We weren’t serious. We were never serious. You got that?”

She blanches, but recovers quickly. I grip her tighter, trying to make my point. This girl’s a live-wire, which is what attracted me to her in the first place, but I won’t stand for her talking about my marriage.

“Fine.” She swallows, her eyes filling with anger. “If you want her, then have her. I’m not going to beg for a man, not even you. I have more self-respect than that. We had a good thing, and I thought we could have become more.” We stare at each other, breathing hard, our emotions raging. After a minute, her eyes fill with tears. “I really care about you, Cooper.”

“Shit, don’t do this, Layla. This is a mess.” I let her face go and step back. I hate this world I’ve created, and most of all, I hate that I’ve taken other people down with me.

“Yeah, it is a mess,” she says. “But I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. I think you’re making a big mistake. She’s never going to love you the way you want her to. The moment you disagree or can’t give her what she wants, she’s going to pull back from you.” She pauses, her voice dropping low and concerned. “Think about how you’re going to feel when she betrays you again. How hollow it’s going to leave you.”

My muscles ache. It’s hard to trust a woman who’s broken me. My head’s fucked up, but I’d rather take the risk of Kylie crushing me than go on without her. I need her. It’s clear I can’t function without her.

“Cooper, when I first saw you, that light in your eyes was gone. You were a hurt, broken man. I wanted to bring you back, and I think when we made love, you did. You came back. I saw you. I saw your heart, and I’m the kind of woman who can take care of that.”

I scrub my hand across my face, moving farther away from her. “I’m sorry. I thought I was clear with you. I told you nothing would ever come of this. We’ve never made love,” I say, wincing that she thought we did. “It was just sex.” Her face falls. Shit, I don’t want to hurt her. “I love her. There’ll never be anyone else for me. It was always and will always be her. Love’s unconditional, but it’s not perfect. I’m not perfect, and neither is she. We’ve made our mistakes, but she’s my heart. She’s in my blood. I need her on a level that you can’t understand. Fuck, I can’t even understand it.”

“I know you love her. I’m not saying you don’t,” she whispers. “I saw it, I heard it. Don’t think I didn’t feel her hovering in the background while we were together. But it’s dysfunctional, unhealthy, and it’s going to destroy you, Cooper. It almost did.” She walks up to me and lays her palm on my cheek. “Look at me.”

My heart beats erratically. I promised Kylie I wouldn’t let her touch me, that I would keep my distance. I shoot my eyes to hers. They look soft, sorrowful. The anger between us is gone. This has gone from hot to too close, too quickly.

“I’m sorry,” I say, stepping back. “Nothing you or I could say from this point on is going to get us anywhere. It’s over. You need to let it go. I think its best we keep our distance, and that means that I can’t have you working here as my assistant anymore.”

A tear spills down her cheek, and I feel like an asshole. I didn’t think she’d feel as strongly as she does. Opening myself to her was a mistake. It created a closeness that wasn’t meant to happen. I crossed a boundary with Layla.

“So this is it?” she whispers.

“Yeah, this is it.”

“Are you a hundred percent sure she’s what you want, Coop?” She searches my face almost desperately, trying to find some hope.

“I’m a hundred and fifty percent sure.”

She shakes her head. “Okay. That’s it then. Go back to your wife.”

“I’m still going to pay you and I’ll make things available to you so you can find another job.” I’m not a complete piece of shit. I’ve just imploded her life, where she works, her heart.

“I don’t care about the money, Cooper,” she says quietly. “I have plenty of that.”

“I’m sorry, Layla.”

Tears and heartache paint her face. I feel so much remorse for getting involved with her. “Yeah, me too.” For a moment, the silence is awkward, both of us unsure of what to say. “Well, I guess I’m going.”

I nod, not sure what else to do.

Her shoulders tremble, and she offers me a weak smile. She lays her hand on my face, and I try not to flinch away. I’ve hurt this girl enough. “Be careful with her. Guard your heart, Cooper.” She plants a tender kiss on my cheek and strokes my jaw as if memorizing me.

My hands itch to offer her some comfort. I don’t dare move, though. There’s no way I’ll betray my wife more than I already have. She looks at me one last time then turns and walks out. When the door shuts, I blow out a sigh of relief. That was hard. Really fucking hard. Thank God it’s over.

Grayson’s next.

An hour later, I’m still sitting at my desk and trying to get Layla out of my head. What she said about Kylie and Grayson has been playing in my mind. The fact that she honed in on that unnerves me. I planned to spend the evening with Kylie, but I can’t go the night with this hanging over my head. I have to face him. I need to get to the bottom of this. It’s time Gray stepped out of our lives and gave us space.

My nagging fears are turning into a paranoid rage. He and I barely talk, and when we do, it almost always ends with one of us telling the other to fuck off. He warned me, time and time again, that he wouldn’t let me hurt Kylie anymore. I didn’t take his threats seriously. Grayson doesn’t know who I am anymore, and in truth, I’ve done nothing over the last two years to deserve his loyalty. I shoot him a text, asking him to meet me at his house tonight. There’s no point in delaying the inevitable, and there are some things my friend needs to be clued in on. He messages back, saying he’ll meet me at eight. I go with it.

The only thing left to do is figure out how to keep Ky busy. I’m sure she won’t be thrilled at the idea of spending the night alone while I’m off dealing with this bullshit. After a few brainstorming texts with Cali, and a couple of calls and internet searches, I secure tickets for Kylie and Cali to see Justin Timberlake and Jay Z. It wasn’t easy and the tickets cost me quite a bit, but it’ll be worth it if it helps keep her mind off what I’m doing. I arrange for a car to bring them back and forth and dinner reservations for them before they go out.

I leave my office in search of Kylie, knowing I’ll find her with Calia. Together, the two of them are trouble. I round the corner to Kylie’s office, and the sound of laughter trickles through her door. I enter and see her smiling face. Warmth travels from her in my direction, causing my lips to tip up at the corners. I look into the eyes I’ve sold my soul to, and my insides heat when I see her gaze lick my skin. It’s as if I can feel her eyes like the stroke of fingertips as she soothes my stress. God, I love the way she looks at me. It makes me feel like a fucking king.

“Hey, baby,” I murmur, my body coming to life at the sight of her sensuous curves and angel face.

“Hi.” She smiles, flipping her eyes briefly back to mine.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” The world around me falls away.

“Of course,” she says with a sexy rasp.

I keep my eyes trained on hers. She stands and comes around her desk to meet me. The air thickens as I wrap my arms around her. The need to feel her floods my veins like heated whiskey snaking its way down my body. She slides her arms around my neck and looks up, those eyes melting me.

I crush my lips to hers and thrust my tongue in her mouth. I stroke her eagerly, wanting her so damn bad. I want to drown my fears in her and wash my mind of Gray and Layla with her heat. She goes limp in my arms, her nipples hardening against my chest. A possessive growl barrels through me. I’m desperate to drag her across the desk and bury myself inside her. I want to forget about all the bullshit and love the fuck out of her.

She drags her hands through my hair. I pick her up, gripping her firm ass. It feels so good to have her soft flesh against mine. I kiss her with fervor, hunger. I’m desperate to remind her that two years apart were a mistake. It’s created a cesspool of pure sexual, carnal and primal need. I’m about to drag her across the desk when I hear someone clear their throat with a laugh. I pull away and swing my head toward the sound.

Cali laughs, her eyes twinkling. “Jesus Christ, please don’t stop on my behalf.” She waves as if to say ‘continue.’ “I mean, I don’t mind stepping out for a minute while you two gorilla-fuck the crap out of each other.” She chuckles, fanning herself. “Whew, I’m damp over here.”

“Oh my God. Fuck off, Cali,” Kylie says, laughing as a blush stains her cheeks.

“Shit,” I mutter, setting her down.

“Uh, uh, uh, wrong word there, Hulk. More like ‘Holy fucking shit, tiger.’ I’m still tingling over here, and my nips are on fire. Come tend to me, Ky,” she whispers, her eyes rolling back as if she’s going to faint.

A chuckle pulls from my chest as I take a good look at Cali. I swear that girl’s nuts, but Kylie loves her.

Cali raises her brows. “Didn’t you see my sexy self sitting here when you swung open the door, you big broody man?” She giggles. “Seriously, you guys are hot together. I’m burning up over here.”

“Jesus, Cali! Stop already,” Kylie blurts, unable to stop laughing. “What happened to your club guy? Is he no longer doing it for you?”

Cali groans, her head tipping back. “I can’t go there right now. Not with that”—she points at me—“grizzly bear in the room. Apparently he came for some honey.” She smirks at Kylie.

“You’re one crazy chick,” I say with a laugh. I look at Kylie and smirk. “I didn’t mean to come in and maul you in front of your friend.” She blushes, and I turn to Cali. “You tell her about tonight?”

“Nope, not yet.”

“What’s going on tonight?” Kylie asks.

“Your Sex God got us tickets to see JT and Jay Z last minute,” Cali squeals. “It’s girls’ night, Coco.”

“What?” Kylie’s voice gets quiet. “Why would you do that?”

I glance at Kylie, noticing the unease that settles across her body. I turn back to Cali. “Can you give us a minute?”

“Yeah, of course.” She looks at Ky. “It’s going to be fun, love. Don’t worry, okay?”

Kylie says nothing. The door closes, and the air tenses. “You don’t want to spend the night with me?” she asks.

“No, that’s not it. I need to take care of something, and I wanted to keep you busy. I didn’t want you sitting at home worrying.”

“What are you going to do?” she asks.

“I’m meeting Gray. We have some stuff we need to work out.” I keep my eyes on hers to gauge her reaction.

Shock punches from her face. “And I can’t come with you?”

“You said you’d stay out of it,” I remind her.

“I did, but maybe I changed my mind.”

“I’m sorry, Ky, but that’s not happening.”

She huffs an annoyed breath, and my insides burn again. I try to stay calm. “When was the last time you talked to him?” I ask, trying to keep jealousy at bay and my tone non-threatening.

Her eyes narrow for just for a second, and I know she’s talked to him today. I see it all over her face. My senses reel, nearly catching on fire.

“You mean, talk to him in person?” she asks, fidgeting.

“In person. On the phone. Through text. When was the last time you talked to him?”

I watch her carefully for signs that she’s lying. Layla’s words burn through me, twisting my stomach.

“The night I left the condo was the last I saw him.” Her voice comes out soft. “He’s texted me a bit, and I’ve answered, but we haven’t said much.”

“When was the last text he sent you?”

She looks out the window, and her body stiffens. “This morning. He sent me a quick message to say hi.”

Fucking bastard. “Can I see them?”

“Why?” She turns back to look at me.

Why do I want to see them? Because I need to know what game the fucker’s playing. He’s in love with Kylie. His sights are set on her, and I’m about to lay fucking claim to something that’s already mine. “Let me see them, Kylie!”

“Cooper, they’re nothing bad. Nothing has happened between us. Can’t you just believe me?”

“I’m sorry. Trust has to be earned. It isn’t something I can give out like pieces of candy anymore. I have to earn yours like you do mine.”

She looks at me with sadness and grabs her phone. She hands it to me, her hands trembling. I look at her, wishing we didn’t have to have discussions like this.

“Hey, eyes to mine,” I say, my voice gentle. “Everything’s okay, all right? I’m just trying to figure this out. I’m not upset. I love you.”

Her gaze drops from mine as she sits in her chair. I open the texts and see numerous ones from Grayson. What hits me is the way Ky has him labeled on her phone: My G Man. It’s like she’s put a stamp on him as hers. Hurt and betrayal surge through me, but I stop the destructive feelings blazing through my chest and scroll through the texts. I see one dated this morning.

G: Hey, sweet cheeks. I miss you. Come see me, please? I know you’re figuring things out. I won’t pressure you. I just need to touch your face, see you and make sure you’re okay.

K: G, I miss you, too. But it’s not a good time right now. I’ll fill you in later.

G: What’s going on? Where have you been? I haven’t seen you at all.

K: I’m trying to work my life out, Gray. I need time.

G: I’ll give you time. I’d give you the world, if you’d let me. I’m always here. You know that. You don’t have to do this alone, Ky.

K: I’m not doing it alone.

G: Are you back with Cooper?

K: Yes. I hope.

G: Kylie…

K: You know I love him.

G: I know you do and it kills me. He’s going to hurt you. I’ve seen it too many times and I’m sick of it. He doesn’t deserve you, sweet cheeks.

K: Just give us space.

G: I don’t think I can do that anymore.

K: I know you don’t want to, but it’s what we need.

G: He doesn’t deserve you.

K: That’s not true. I don’t deserve him.

G: You deserve better.

K: Why are you telling me this?

G: Why do you think, Kylie?

K: Idk. That’s why I’m asking.

G: You know why.

K: Cooper says you’re in love with me…

G: He’s right. I am and I want you, but you know that…

K: I can’t

G: Give me a chance

K: Gray…

G: Kylie, please…I can make you happy.

My hand trembles as I read his last text. Betrayal—thick, hot, and as dark as molasses—bleeds from me. Kylie stares at me intently, tears welling in her eyes. Her shoulders are quivering. I’m so fucking angry.

“I don’t want him like that,” she whispers. “I don’t know why he’s doing this. It’s not like him.”

“He’s in love with you. I told you that this morning. I also asked you to let me handle him,” I breathe, pissed at this whole situation. “Why did you message him back?”

“I don’t know… I guess I felt bad.” She answers, nervously.

“Do you have feelings for him?” I’m being crazy, but I can’t tap down this overwhelming urge to know the truth. I can’t close this subject in my head. It’s overtaking me.

Her throat moves as she swallows, her chest heaving as she weighs her response. My heart surges in rapid spurts, and adrenaline saturates every ounce of my body. I feel as if I can’t breathe. Something tells me she’s lying.

“Cooper…” A tear trickles down her cheek.

“Answer the fucking question, Kylie,” I whisper, desperately trying to keep myself from slamming her against the wall so I can fuck him out of her system.

“Of course I do,” she says, her eyes turned down. “He’s my best friend. He was there for me every day you weren’t. He’s helped me when I wanted to die. It’s been two long years, Cooper.” Her face begs for understanding. “When we left the hospital, he didn’t leave my side. He’s made an effort to be there for me, and I took that from him because I needed it. I know you don’t want to hear this, and I really don’t want to say it, because I just got you back.”

Her eyes lower to the hands she has tangled in her lap. “I know everything about Grayson. I’ve opened up to him, told him some of my darkest secrets, things I couldn’t carry on my own. It’s hard to just cut him off.” She lifts her eyes to mine. The look behind them snatches the air from my lungs. “Do I have feelings for him? What do you think? Honestly, what do you think? You’re setting me up. You know I have feelings for him. How can I not? The thing is… the feelings I have for Gray pale in comparison to the ones I have for you.”

She trembles and stands in front of me. “I love you. I’m addicted to you. Sometimes that love borders on toxic. I require you like blood, like air. It’s not normal, and it hasn’t been since the moment you hit me with those emerald eyes that have infiltrated every part of my body.” She lays her shaky hand on my cheek. “You-you make me want to live, but you’ve made me want to die too. You’ve hurt me, Cooper. There have been times where that hurt was so powerful I felt it everywhere. Gray’s been there. He held me and listened to me cry. Do you really want me to be honest?” she whispers, her eyes drowning with raw pain. “Have I fallen for him? Do I have feelings for him? Yes. But Cooper, this is not a competition. I love you more than anything in the world. You have to know that. Please, please don’t make this something it’s not. I beg of you.”

My heart wrenches in pain, every artery severing in my chest. I feel raw, exposed, and vulnerable. I know she loves me, but I’m infected with a sickening venom. I’m stained by the blood of my child and a guilt so deep-seated that it’s transformed into self-loathing. I’m so fucking mad that our lives were stolen from us by my immature decisions. My choices are responsible for tearing apart my marriage.

I’m angry I couldn’t perform and Kylie couldn’t wait, that I couldn’t talk it out. It’s killing me that I couldn’t bring my child back from the dead. I’m pissed that I hurt her so deeply that she turned to someone else. I’m tormented that I bruised her with my words, tore through her defenses with my actions, and crippled her with my silence. I’m enraged, and I don’t know where to put these volcanic, destructive thoughts. How do I do this? God help me, how do I respond without damaging her further? How do I contain the monster growing within me, ensnaring the man I used to be?

“Kylie, I’m sorry. I’m going to fix us. I swear.” I grab her face, pleading with her. “I don’t know where to put him in our lives, and I don’t know how to accept that he’s been there and I haven’t. I don’t know how to take in the fact that you feel anything for him. That somewhere inside of you, you could actually…” I close my eyes, my blood rushing like tremors before an earthquake. My thoughts are swallowing me. “That you could actually love him.”

I open my eyes and gaze at my wife. She lifts a shaky hand and places it on my cheek. Her warmth does nothing to take away the chill infiltrating my bones.

“Don’t do this to yourself,” she whispers. “What I feel for him is nothing like what I feel for you. He could never, ever take your place.” She drags her hand from my cheek and grips my hair. “Do you feel this? You have to feel this.” She places my palm of over her heart and lays hers on top of mine. “This right here? It’s yours. Only yours. I’ve shared my body, I’ve shared parts of my mind, but I have never, not once, shared my heart with another man. You, only you, have owned it. Do you hear me?”

Her confession shakes me. Tears force their way down my cheeks betraying me, showing her my weakness. A broken man stands before her.

“Don’t give up on us,” I beg. “Let me sort him out. Please. I need you to give me time.”

Her eyes turn gentle with compassion. “I’m not giving up on you ever again. Never again. I’m sorry for betraying you. The men, they took what I gave them, but you, my sweet husband, have always been the key to my life. Now that I have you back, now that I’ve found my source of water and food, I’m not starving. I love you. Now, yesterday… forever.”

I pull her against me and hold her tight. I love her so much it hurts. I want to sweep us up and carry us away, but I don’t know how. How do I heal a marriage when I’m broken? Am I just too fucked up for the both of us? I don’t know, but I can’t give up. I’m going to fight with every fiber of my being. She’s worth every minute of torture.

“Let me take care of him tonight,” I whisper. “Let me figure this out, and stay away from him for right now, Kylie. Please, just do this one thing for me.”

“I’m not going anywhere. It was just a text, but I’ll cut all contact until you figure out how to handle him. It’s okay, Cooper.”

We stay quiet for a minute, trying to calm down. I absorb her warmth.

After a moment, she pulls back. “How did things go with Layla?”

I sigh. “I talked to her.”

“And?” she whispers.

“It was rough, but it’s done.”

She eyes me carefully. She doesn’t say anything, but I know she expects me to go on.

“I told her we’re done,” I continue. “She was hurt, but she eventually let it go. She’s no longer working here.”

“She just gave up?” she asks.

I make sure to choose the right words. “She had some choice words with me, but there wasn’t much to give up. We were never anything. She knew that.”

She touches my cheek and closes her eyes. My eyes move over her face. I see her take a breath and release it. She opens them and smiles weakly.

“We’re a fucked up pair,” she murmurs.

I laugh and kiss her cheek. “We are. But we have each other. Even lost, we’ve had each other.”

“Yeah, I guess. Will you call me when you get to Grayson’s? I want to make sure you’re all right.”

“I can do that.” I smile. “I love you, Kylie.”

Her eyes well up with fresh tears. “I love you, too. We’ll be okay, right?”

God, I ache for what our relationship’s become. “We will be. I’ve got you now, and I’m not letting go again.”

She wraps her arms around me and buries her face in my neck. I hold her tight, letting her warmth seep into my cold soul. We’re silent for a minute, just trying to find some peace in the midst of chaos.

After a couple minutes, I break the silence. “I better go, baby. I’ll call you in a bit. Can you give me a kiss?” I whisper, into her hair.

She pulls back, her nose crinkling in amusement. “Do you really need to ask for a kiss?”

I grin and gently catch her bottom lip between my teeth. She closes her eyes, her breath becoming choppy. I bite gently and give her a tender kiss.

“You taste so good. Till later?”

“Yeah,” she whispers.

“We’ll talk tonight. Don’t drink too much.”

“I won’t.”

I touch her face, and she leans into my hand. Her beautiful eyes, hair, and skin call to me. I want to soak her into my body until I’m addicted. I give her one last kiss on the cheek and turn to leave. When I open the door, I hear her call my name. I turn back and see her sweet face.

“There’s only one man for me,” she says. “Remember that. You’re still the man of my dreams.”

I let her love wash over me as I go to confront a man who’s been a brother to me and now feels like a stranger. My life’s unraveling, or maybe it’s already unraveled, but we’re finding the parts we need to put it back together.

“I feel the same way about you, sweet girl,” I say, giving her a warm smile.

I pull into Grayson’s driveway and call Kylie to let her know everything’s fine. I want to make this fast, but I have a feeling things are about to get intense.

At Gray’s door, I knock twice. He answers quickly, and we stare at each other before he moves aside to let me in. A memory of the last time I was here hits me. What he said is still fresh in my mind. I walk into the living room and wait for him to follow. He does, and we stand in silence, looking at each other.

“Do you want a beer?” he asks, a cold edge to his voice.

“No.”

He nods, and I try to figure out how to start. No point in skirting around shit.

“I need you to back off my wife,” I say calmly.

He laughs and shakes his head, glaring at me. “So what? You’re done with your whores and ready to take her back?”

His disdain pisses me off. I weigh my response, sensing shit’s about to get tense faster than I anticipated. He’s not playing, but I’m not fucking around either. It’s time for him to back off and get out of our lives.

“What are you trying to do with my girl?” I ask carefully.

His body turns taut with irritation. “I’m trying to take care of her. Something you’ve proven over and over you can’t do.”

“You think you know it all, don’t you?” I say quietly, darkness seeping from my mouth.

“I know I do.”

“You don’t know shit.”

He scowls at me, his face rigid with contempt. “Right. Where the fuck have you been for two years?”

“I know I’ve screwed up.”

“Screwed up? That’s what you think you’ve done?” he asks incredulously, throwing his hands in the air. “Nah, bro. You haven’t just screwed up. You’ve cosmically fucked up and destroyed everything in your path.”

“You’re right,” I say, fighting to keep my composure. “I have, but I need her back. You texting my wife that I don’t deserve her and you want her is fucked up.” My heart beats furiously as I think of his texts. I want to pound him into the ground.

“Ah, so that’s what all this is about?” He smirks, his blue eyes shining with arrogance. “You saw me swooping in and decided you wanted her back so I couldn’t have her?”

“It’s not like that.” My blood boils out of control.

He raises a brow. “Isn’t it?”

“No, it’s fucking not,” I growl.

“Then what is it, asshole? Because I reached my threshold for your bullshit when you started fucking a woman who worked with your wife.”

I laugh, an almost demonic sound. He thinks he’s got me figured out, but I haven’t told him anything more than I wanted him to know. I didn’t want him going back to Kylie with anything. He thinks he’s got this whole situation under control.

“You want my wife? You want my fucking wife, bro?” I taunt, ready to lay his ass out. “You can’t have her. Back off, Grayson, or I swear to God, I will be forced to do things you’ve never dreamed I’d be capable of doing.”

“Are you threatening me, Cooper?” he sneers.

“Yes,” I state, a cold lethal spark to my voice.

“Bring it,” he breathes, meeting me head for head.

“When did you fall in love with her?” I ask, bracing myself. “You promised you’d look after her while I got my shit together. You said you’d never cross that line. When the fuck did you fall in love with my girl?”

He sucks in a few deep breaths, trying to keep his cool. I know Gray. He’s like a hand grenade just waiting to explode.

“What does it matter?” he says. “All you need to know is that I love her and I’m not going to let you ruin her. I’ve watched the way she’s reacted to your cold silence. She’s died a little more every day while you were off doing God knows what with God knows who. Do you even know what she’s been through?”

Of course I know what she’s been through at my hands. It’s something I’ll have to live with forever. But it hasn’t exactly been easy for me either, and this douchebag is acting like I’ve been on a vacation.

“Yeah, I have a good idea of the fucking torture she’s lived with because I’ve been going through the same hell,” I spit. “What do you think this has been like for me?”

My pulse thundering, I watch his body tremble with rage. His fists are clenched. He shakes his head and hits me with a death glare meant to burn me alive. I stand firm, bracing myself for what he has to say. I meet him eye to eye.

“You know what? I don’t know what it’s been like for you,” he says. “You shut down like a little fucking girl. I find it funny that you thought I could play husband to a beautiful woman without falling in love with her. Jesus Christ, have you looked at your wife, Cooper? She’s a man’s wet dream.” He taunts me, egging me on. “God, her legs go on for days, hips so perfectly proportioned I want them hugging my waist and face, and tits so round and pert I’d give my left nut to have my mouth on them. Do you know how bad I want her? What I would give to taste and touch her?” He pauses, driving his point home. “Not only is she a fucking beauty, but when she smiles, she lights up a room. And when she digs really deep and opens up, I swear the universe sings from the pure beauty in her heart. You threw all that away for a couple of whores instead of fighting for the woman God gave you to cherish.”

Thick, molten lava bursts through my veins. The way he talks about my wife stirs a red hot rage so insidious that I lunge across the space that separates us. My fist connects hard with his face. I’m so angry that he wants her, I come back for a second, third, and fourth punch. I make sure each strike’s a punishing slash for the truth he just spit at me.

I feel my body heave, my heart firing like a shot gun as I purge my poison into his body, infecting him with the rage that’s eating me alive. His fist connects with my cheek, and white hot pain shoots through my skull. My head whips back as another fist from the opposite direction connects with my jaw. I revel in the pain, using it to spur me on. After his first few punches make contact, numbness settles over me.

I strike brutally, every blow expelling sorrow, guilt, and the painful awareness of what a failure I am. My anger urges me on, and he doesn’t hold back either. He bruises my body to match my decrepit soul. We go until we’re both bleeding, breathing heavy, and exhausted.

“Fuck you, Cooper!” he seethes, spitting blood on the floor.

“No, fuck you, Grayson! You fucking betrayed me,” I roar.

He pushes me back, and we scramble apart, trying keep from killing each other.

“No, bro, I didn’t betray you. You betrayed yourself. You fucking did this to her, to all of us! You took something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy—the death of a child—and let it rip all of our lives apart. I don’t know what it feels like to lose a child, Cooper, but I don’t understand abandoning the person you pledged your fucking soul to at the worst moment in her life. Then, on top of that, you left her with a playboy like me!”

He’s right. Fuck, he’s right, but what can I do? I can’t go back. “You never answered my question,” I exhale, haunted after a minute. “When did you fall in love with her?”

He looks at me, his eyes filled with raw, unbridled hurt. He loves her. It’s as clear as day.

“I don’t owe you that,” he says. “I owe you nothing.”

We sit in silence, our adrenaline seeping out of us as exhaustion sets in. I don’t know how much time passes, but I hear him blow out a deep breath.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this. She called me one night, several months back,” he whispers with his head down. “She was so fucking drunk I couldn’t make out what she was saying. She was crying. She thought she called you.” He breathes, lifting his head to meet my gaze. “She kept saying your name. I couldn’t get her to calm down or make sense. She was rambling about needing you, about being hurt, and something about her chest. I had to get a buddy to trace her phone so I could find her. I tried calling you, but you were out of town as usual.” He takes a deep breath, his voice cracking, delivering a death blow. “When I got to the club, she was huddled in an alley, lying on her side in her own vomit. She was trembling so fiercely I thought something in her body was giving out. I tried to sit her up, but she screamed in pain so I ended up carrying her to the car.” He starts shaking viciously, his hands clenched tight. “Her shirt was ripped open, and her bra was gone. There were hand prints around her collar bone, like the son of a bitch had tried to strangle her.”

He drags a distressed hand through his hair. My body’s literally seized by crushing guilt and sorrow. My muscles spasm and heat courses through me, causing sweat to bead on my brow. Oh God, no. Please no.

“Someone had tried to rape her,” he continues, his voice strained. “They tried to fucking rape her, and she was trying to call you for help. She kept trying to call you, and you weren’t there.” He stares into my eyes, letting his words sink in.

“No…” My heart’s no longer beating.

“They didn’t rape her, they just roughed her up, but I made a decision that night,” he says.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why would you keep this from me? Why didn’t she say something?” I whisper, gutted by what Kylie’s been through.

“I lost respect for you that night,” he states. “She begged me not to tell you. How fucked up is that? Your own wife was too scared to tell you.”

I see the animosity and resentment he has stored against me. He’s been carrying this for who knows how long. I feel sick that I let this happen.

He continues. “She felt like she had already fucked you guys up. She was afraid you would think she was disgusting. I made a promise to her that night,” he whispers, his face telling me he sold himself to her that night. “I told her that I would never abandon her. That I’d look after her. I cut out the partying and girls and did your job.” He lowers his head, putting his hands behind it. “You forget that I’ve known her as long as you have. I might not know every curve of her body or every pin prick of her heart, but she’s always been special to me. She’s my best friend’s wife, which made her family.” He looks up again. “I’ve taken care of her every day since. After that night, I viewed your marriage with new eyes. I’ve tried so fucking hard to draw the line between friend, best friend, and lover with her. I didn’t want to blur that line, Cooper. You can’t honestly think that I fell in love with her on purpose.” He searches my face, gauging me. “Although I’ve begged for it several times, I haven’t touched her. I’m sorry, bro, but I’m in love with her.”

My head’s a tilt-a-wheel of thoughts as I try to keep up with everything he’s told me. My body feels as if it’s been thrown in a hole and stoned repeatedly. It’s a sinking feeling to know I truly abandoned someone at the worst time in her life. I promised her the world, and now my best friend’s in love with my wife.

The loss of our baby flipped a switch in me. Was it the moment I took Kayla from her arms? Was it the funeral? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because of growing up with parents who never talked about anything emotional. Maybe I didn’t have the tools to fight through it. I don’t know why I shut down, why I needed to escape from the one person I love more than my life.

“What’s wrong with me?” I whisper, devastation smothering the life out of me. “How could I do this? What kind of man am I?”

Gray ambles over, his body showing his stress and fatigue. He sits next to me. The tension and sorrow in the air is so thick, I could cut it with a knife.

“I don’t know, but things have been fucked up for a long time,” he whispers after a while. “I know you love her, but I know she deserves more than what you’re giving her. If you want to deserve her, then you need to earn her.” His eyes bore into mine. Our friendship’s being tested in ways we’d never expected. “Maybe it’s time you get some help. You need to learn how to cope with losing Kayla.”

I stare at the man I used to call my brother. Maybe I do need help. Without it, Kylie and I stand no chance. I put my head down and think over all of the things we’ve been through. My chest burns over what I’ve done to my wife. The guilt destroys me. I’m not the man I thought I was. It’s a damning thought.

“I felt so worthless when she died,” I admit, unable to keep my sorrow in. “We wanted her so badly, Grayson. From the moment we got engaged, having a baby was all we talked about. We had a plan for our lives, and that was goal number one.” Tears force their way out of my eyes as I think about Kylie’s excitement about becoming a mother. “I was so used to coming through for her. I’ve never had to deal with something being ripped from my life. When things have gone wrong, I’ve always been able to fix them. The night Kylie gave birth and she was holding Kayla, she looked at me. The look behind her eyes demolished me. I saw…” I try to breathe, but the pain is almost unbearable. “Fuck, I saw desperation. She was begging me, man. Her entire body was screaming at me to fix it. How could I bring her back? God, I wanted to. She was my child, my flesh and blood. But I couldn’t do anything. I felt pathetic and I lost the grip I had on our lives. I couldn’t deal and I ran.”

Silence stretches between us for several moments before Gray’s voice breaks through my thoughts. “Cooper, look at me, bro.”

I shift to look at him and see his eyes glistening with tears, his face lined in sorrow.

“I understand you were in pain,” he says. “I don’t know what it feels like to have your future stolen from you. I swear, if I could take this away from you guys, I would. All of this is more than one person should have to handle. I’m not carrying your burden, but I get it. You have to straighten this shit out,” he says, his voice urgent. “I love Kylie, but I know that she loves you more than she could ever love me. Get counseling. I don’t know what else to tell you. All of this is killing us. I don’t want to lose you guys, but you are taking me down with you.”

I nod. I get that he’s been pulled into our nightmare. He was a part of it, because I slacked off and he had to do my job. He fell in love with her, and as angry and jealous as that makes me, I get it.

“I’ve fucked up a lot, Gray. I keep fucking up, but I love my wife. It’s taken me a while to get here, but I won’t give her up without a fight. I’m thankful for what you did for her, but she’s mine. I need you to understand that.”

“I don’t think you can take care of her. You take off as soon as things get tough, and she deserves better than that. I can give her more,” he says.

“This is my fucking wife.” My anger churns thickly at his insistence that he can take care of her better than I can.

“I know that, but I want her taken care of. I can’t stand the thought of you leaving her when things get hard.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

His eyes close as he struggles to let Kylie go.

I feel the room shift, and before I know it, I’m confessing something I swore I’d never tell him. “I haven’t been fucking around on her, Grayson. I’ve only slept with Layla.”

His eyes shoot to mine. “What?”

“I’ve only slept with Layla, and it just started happening. I caved after Kylie left with Nate.”

“But Kylie said something about a Jessica.”

“That’s the girl she saw at the bar,” I say. “I never went through with it. I left, got my own hotel room. I couldn’t stomach going back to our room.”

“What the fuck, Cooper? Why’d you keep this from me?” he asks, frustrated.

“I didn’t want you saying anything to Kylie. I don’t know how much she’s told you, but you know we had issues with… with me touching her intimately. Something fucked me up there. I didn’t want anyone else; I just wanted time to get myself together. But every time she came home smelling like a different man, I retreated until it became impossible to be near her. So I avoided her.”

He sighs. “Does she know?”

“No. We haven’t talked about this yet.”

“For God’s sake, Cooper. We’re all so fucked up,” he mutters, scrubbing a palm over his swollen face. “Maybe we all need counseling. Everything’s a damn mess.”

I take a tormented breath. “Can you tell me something?”

He looks at me and nods.

“How many men has she been with?”

Gray stills, his body tensing. His eyes tell me that I don’t want to go there.

“Fuck.” I look away, jealousy cutting deep into my aching chest.

“It’s not worth knowing that. And does it really matter?” he whispers, his voice urging me to think about what I’m asking.

“I don’t know. I need to wash them from her mind and body,” I admit.

“I can’t go there with you, bro,” he breathes, looking away.

I grimace when I see the pain on his face. He loves her. He really fucking loves her and he’s having a hard time letting her go.

“I’m sorry for all this, Gray.”

“That’s life,” he murmurs, not meeting my eyes.

We’re both exhausted, and there’s not much left to say. “Maybe eventually we’ll all be okay?”

“I don’t know.” His tear-filled eyes connect with mine. “I need a break. I can’t do this with you guys anymore. You’re drowning me. My life’s being taken under.”

I swallow hard, my body throbbing over what’s happened. I feel restless, bruised and broken. I don’t know where to go from here. I think of Kylie at home. How will she feel with Gray gone? Will this hurt her? Will she hold it against me?

“Go home to your wife, Cooper. But I’m gonna tell you one last thing. If you hurt her again, if she calls me and asks me to come… I’m coming for her and I’m not letting her go. Mark my words, I’ll never allow her to go back to you. Second chances are rare. This is your one and only.”

It takes everything in me to hold back the vicious reply that burns my tongue, but I do. I do because I deserve his anger. I deserve his disdain. I’ll use those threats as motivation to fix our lives and show him who owns my girl. She’s mine, and he’ll know that I love her with every part of my heart and soul. I’m not perfect. I’ve never claimed to be, but I can learn from this. I will learn from this. I take it, pulling in a deep breath and pushing down the anger I feel.

“She’s not going to call you.” My voice is low and serious. I get up to leave, hoping we’ll all recover eventually. As I get to the door, I hear his voice sweep the air, it’s ragged and pained, but his words strike me right in the heart. They almost break me.

“I love you guys, Cooper. We just need time.”

I open the door and swing my head back. I bleed for the pain I’ve caused him. I nod, close the door behind me, and head home to my wife.

I sit in my car and stare at our home. My heart thrashes violently, my palms sweat, and my body aches as anxiety swarms me. It’s three a.m. and the porch light glimmers, illuminating the shrubs surrounding the entrance. When I pulled up, I saw every light in the house was on. Kylie’s probably worried sick over me being so late. She sent several texts while I was with Gray, asking when I’d be home. I didn’t see them till I left, and by that point, there was no reason to reply.

I’m so fucking nervous about going in there. I don’t know what to say. I know I have to get out of this car and go inside, but my body is battered and bruised. My jaw is swollen, my eye is cut, my lip is split open, and blood is caked on my face. She’s going to freak when she sees me. I don’t think I have the energy to calm her down.

Everything feels screwed up, and after the shit ton of information that was thrown at me, I don’t know how to approach her. I don’t know what to say to her. I’m exhausted, yet I ache to hold my girl. I want to go inside, not say a single word, and lay claim to her body. I have the urge to pummel through our home like a raging bull and find a way to wash her clean of the bad things that have happened.

I’m like a caged animal. On edge, wild and restless.

But I know I can’t go in there like that. I need to treat her with care, handle her delicately, but my raging soul makes that impossible. My heart is fucked, my life feels fucked, and there’s so much I need to fix. I can’t do it alone. I need help. Kylie and I need help together. And admitting that feels like failure.

My wife and I have so much unsaid, so much that needs to be put on the table. I lay my head on the steering wheel, giving myself a couple more minutes to calm down. I listen to the silence. I breathe deeply, letting it lull me into nothingness. My muscles are just starting to relax when I hear a slamming sound, causing my head to jerk up.

I see her like an angel in the darkness. Her face is washed in concern, her eyes straining to see through the tinted windows. She looks exhausted and panicked. She’s wearing a nightgown and her pink robe is slung sloppily. My body comes alive at the sight of her curves and her long black hair. Just as she gets to the car door, I click the locks.

She opens the door, peering in. “Jesus, are you okay? What took so long?”

I close my eyes, take a last fortifying breath, and say, as composed as I can muster, “Everything’s fine, baby. We just had a lot to talk about.”

I get out of the car and slowly shut the door. I look at her, the moonlight shining on us, and pull her into my body. I need her to calm me. She melts willingly and sighs. My heart bursts as her scent wraps around me, warming me.

“I was so worried,” she mumbles.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t see your texts till I was already on my way,” I murmur into her hair. “Did you have fun with Cali?”

“No. I wanted you home.”

It feels good to hear that she missed me and wished I was here. “I’m home now. Let’s get inside.”

She steps back and grabs my hand. I feel as if a knife is cutting into my chest. As soon as we get inside, she’s going to get a good look at my face, and shits going to hit the fan. Stress rolls off me in waves. I feel as if I could explode.

When we get inside, I let her go and walk into the kitchen, grabbing a beer and two Ibuprofens. I hear her lock the door as I slam back the beer and pain meds. A second later her tap, tap, tap filters through the kitchen, and I brace my hands against the counter. I cringe, knowing this is going to mess her up. The moment she sees that Gray and I fought over her, it’s going to kill her, and if it kills her, then it’s going to destroy me. I can’t take anymore. The only thing I need is to love, feel and breathe my wife. I need time to regroup.

I feel her silky hands glide around my waist. I put mine on top of hers and feel her face rest against my back. My body twitches with the need to take her, to remind her who she belongs to and who was made for her. My breathing gets deeper, more labored. We stand for a minute, both of us silent and taking in the moment. It’s what I need, and she seems to understand.

Eventually she breaks the silence. “Are you going to tell me how it went?”

I sigh and turn slowly in her arms. She looks at me, her eyes getting huge, and a gasp pulls from her mouth. Her sexy, pouty lips form an O.

“Oh my God,” she cries, her eyes welling with tears. “What happened?”

“Shh… It’s okay,” I say. “It needed to be worked out.” There’s almost a numbness to my voice. I have nothing left to give. I’m tapped out.

“With your fists?” she cries. She puts her hand on my cheek, running it soothingly under the bruising. Her other comes up to rub my jaw and lip. “Oh my God. How could he do this to you?”

I see the distress emanating from every ounce of her frame. Her eyes close, and two tears drip down her cheeks. I wipe them with my fingers and lean in to kiss her forehead. Her body lurches with a sob. I know what she’s doing; she’s putting the blame on herself. I hate that. I hate it so much, and I won’t let it happen.

“Stop! Stop doing that right now. Please. Don’t.” My voice is gruff. Her eyes fly open, and the sorrow in them hits me in the chest. “This is not your fault. We’re grown men, but sometime things get worked out immaturely. We’ll live. Gray and I had words, but I’m okay. Everything’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” she says. “Are you hurt?”

“I’m fine. I just need to see my beautiful girl right now.” I smile to reassure her. “Why are you still up?”

She gives me a shaky smile. “Did you think I’d sleep without you?”

“I guess not. I’m sorry it took so long.” I try to tell her with my eyes that I missed her, that I need her. I drag my gaze down her body, my heart aching over what happened to her. I think of what Gray told me, and my body burns to string that asshole up by the balls. I want to make her forget all the bad things she felt she had to do to get my attention, to find something I wasn’t giving her.

“We should ice your face,” she says, wincing as she looks over me. “It’s pretty swollen. I’m sure tomorrow it’ll be worse.”

“It’ll be fine. I just took something. I need a shower, though.” I arch a brow and watch her cheeks turn pink. “Can you wait for me for five minutes? Then we can talk. I just need a minute to clean up.”

“Yeah, sure. Are you hungry? I can fix you something while you’re in there.”

I’m starving, but not for food. I’m starving for her touch, her wet heat, the look on her face when I make love to her, those soft breaths before she tips over the edge. I’m starving to lick the sweat from her breasts, to bite her neck, to come in her, and mark her. Fuck, I don’t need food, I need my wife, every damn inch of her. She’s my reprieve, my escape. I need her now more than any other moment in my life. I want to touch every inch of that beautiful heart, every ounce of that sexy body, and every thought in that brilliant head.

“I’m starving, baby, but not for food. Will you wait for me?” I ask, searching her eyes.

She trembles, a sweetness crossing her features as want takes over. “I’ll always wait for you.” She leans in to kiss me.

I kiss her back and smile against her lips. How I could I do what I’ve done and ever deserve her again? I’ll never know. “I love you, Kylie. I swear, I’m going to make everything up to you.” I touch her cheek and run my other hand up her neck, gripping her hair. “I’ll earn you back. If it kills me, I’ll deserve to be your husband again, and I’ll never abandon you.” I ghost my lips across hers and wait for her to open those eyes I love so much. When she does, I smile. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” Her voice is raspy, and her eyes are heavy lidded with yearning. We both need each other.

I walk out the kitchen, heading to the bathroom. I turn on the shower, shed my clothes quickly, and step in. The water pelts my skin, and I turn it hotter, letting it run over my muscles, urging my body to relax. Everything inside me is crying out to take her. I want so badly to shove all my thoughts aside and lose my heart in her. I want to reach into her, smooth and fix the hurts I put there.

My cock hardens as I think about her beautiful curves and the feel of her skin. Everything about her is soft, feminine, and sensual. Gray’s right; Kylie’s gorgeous, but what’s on the inside of her is golden. She’s a free-spirited, tell-it-like-it-is sex kitten. She’s owned me from the moment she opened her mouth. God, when I think of her mouth, my body heats. I think about what I’m going to do to her, how I’m going to take her. I picture my hands running over her waist up to her tits. I see myself grabbing her nipple with my teeth. I can taste her skin. Her face is seductive, erotic, and enticing…

Boom.

I’m hit with an image of another man sliding his hands down her body, his mouth locking on that same rosy bud I just had in my mouth.

My muscles tense, and bile burns its way up my throat. I lay my forehead against the cool tile of the shower wall, splaying my hands in front of me, and take a few deep breaths, urging my head to clear of these insidious thoughts. “Fuck you, you stupid bastard,” I say to myself. “You fight through this, you worthless piece of shit.”

Breathing deep again, I force myself through the wretched pain and think about my hands gliding down her body, moving to the lips of her pussy and finding her clit. I see her spread her legs as I tease her slowly. She groans loudly, spurring me on. I make sure not to put too much pressure against it, but just enough to get her sexy pussy to glisten with want. I picture myself spreading her wider, watching her bare herself to me completely. Our gazes connect as my tongue snakes out to graze her tender nub.

Boom.

Another tongue gets in the way. I watch her throw her head back in pleasure as her cheeks get rosy, those icy blues glistening with ecstasy. My chest convulses and pain rips through my torso as the bastard slips his fingers into her heat.

My pulse skyrockets, my body in total distress from the mental image. Anger kindles like sparks from a lit match. “You bastard, don’t. Fuck, don’t do this,” I whisper, tortured into the space. “Please don’t do this.”

I take two deep breaths. Jealousy still eats at my soul like an animal dismantling its pray. I fight through the crushing, heart-wrenching pain. I push it away, grab my cock, and stroke it roughly. I think about picking her up and pinning her to the wall as the water drips down around us. I see fire blaze through her as she grips my shoulders and digs her nails into my back, drawing blood and begging me to thrust into her. I surge my hips up and…

Boom.

Someone’s holding her by the throat. Her legs are dangling, not reaching the floor. Her bra is gone; her tits are on display for them to see. She’s naked, her pussy is bared to him. A surge of pain for my girl burns deep. An inferno of anger already lit at the deepest recesses of my soul ignites in an open flame. My control snaps, and a full-fledged fire erupts as I tense to fight. He enters her, and a vicious roar pulls from low in my throat, reverberating against the walls.

My heart crumbles. My body gives out as I fall and growl in pain. “No, fuck!” My life is out of control. My sanity splits and spirals into oblivion. I break when I think of what she’s done and what I’ve let happen. I slam my fist into the wall, pounding my anger out, needing a place to expel the carnivorous pain that enslaves me.

“Cooper?” Kylie’s desperate voice tries to cut through my fog. “Oh God, please, what’s wrong?”

I dig deep, using everything I have left to face my wife. I stand and turn around, seeing her anguished face. She’s shaking and crying, and she looks as broken as I feel. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m opening the shower door and grabbing her hips. I drag her inside and desperately tear at her clothes. She yelps in surprise as I pick up her naked body and pin her to the wall.

My eyes bore into her, pleading with her to let me take it all. “I need you. Please don’t talk right now. Just let me have you.” I can’t contain the emotions that are bleeding from my pores. My arms flex and burn as I grip her ass tightly and rub my cock against her core.

“No,” she whispers, her face falling in betrayal. “Please, Jesus, he didn’t. Tell me Gray didn’t tell you.” Her voice cracks, and her eyes close. “Why, why would he do this to me?”

I still my body and ache for the way she reacts. I fucking hate this.

“It’s okay, baby,” I say, trying to soothe her. My heart thrums rapidly, and my throat clogs. I want to take this from her so badly, wash all the guilt from her. “I’m sorry, Kylie. God, I’m so fucking sorry, I wasn’t there. Please forgive me. Please forgive me and give me your pain. Let me take it. Don’t keep it from me anymore. I want to love you. I want to take care of you. I don’t care what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter to me.”

She opens her tear-filled eyes. “He promised. He swore to me.”

“It doesn’t matter what he said. You were never supposed to be there, and that piece of shit should never have even been able to look at you,” I growl. “This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. You tried to call me. Where the fuck was I? It doesn’t matter that I know. It changes nothing. You let me carry that guilt. Please, it’s not your fault. This is my burden. Mine.”

She leans her head on my shoulder and cries, her chest heaving. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. I feel destroyed for her, remorse flooding my veins that this beautiful soul is so broken. After several minutes, she pulls back and looks at me. Her blue eyes are rimmed in red, her face is flushed, and her lips look swollen. Her beauty assaults me.

“I’m sorry, Cooper. Sometimes I want to die, just disappear, and other times I want to fight. I’m tired,” she whispers. “I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. I’m scared. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m disgusting, that I’m going to repulse you and you’re not going to want me.”

Her eyes hold that ache I always see behind them. I want to snatch it away. Jesus, I’ve hurt her. She’s a completely different girl. I have single-handedly changed her.

“Stop right there. Listen to me. You’ve never, ever repulsed me.” My voice rises as I try to get her to understand that. “Never. Christ, baby, you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever seen.” I take a deep breath, my body tensing. “Something messed my head when we lost her. Something didn’t work. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain it. I just needed time to figure out what it was. It had nothing to do with you. It was never about you. It was all me, baby.”

“If that’s the truth, then why could you touch other women and not me? How could you have sex with them and not me?”

Its time.

It’s finally time to tell her what I haven’t wanted her to know. Everything freezes as I get ready to drop a bomb. I lean my forehead against hers and drop her legs, keeping her back pressed to the wall. I stare into her eyes, placing my hands on the sides of her head. We say nothing, our breath melding and the water in the shower turning cold.

“I don’t know how to say this. There were no other women,” I whisper. “Layla was the only one, Kylie.”

Her eyes widen for a fraction of a second. Her face falls as she slowly processes my words. “No, what do you mean? There couldn’t have been. I saw them. The girl at the bar? I know, I saw them.”

I take a deep breath. “The girl at the bar was the first one I felt like fucking.” I wince at the way it comes out. “When I saw you with that guy, I didn’t know it was Nate. I just knew it was another man. I was overwhelmed with you and changed my mind. I ended up leaving her there. I got my own hotel room that night. Nothing happened. As for Layla, she had been pursuing me for a couple of months. When I got back from the Keys and found out about Nate, I was mad. I went to find you and saw you with Gray. When I left the lake house, I was so angry. That was the first night I slept with Layla.”

“I don’t understand,” she says. “Why just one? Why would you make me think something that’s not true? Why didn’t you stop me, Cooper?” Her face looks distressed, her black hair clings to her cheeks, and her forehead scrunches up in stress. It takes everything in me to continue, to open up and explain my actions.

“I’ve never wanted anyone but you. That’s never been an issue or need for me. All I needed was time to get my head right.” I don’t want to hurt her more than I have. I want her to know that this wasn’t about her. “Kylie, this is going to hurt you and I don’t want to do that, but this is the truth. I couldn’t fuck my own wife. I was screwed in the head, and it broke me. Something about losing Kayla and losing control of our lives messed me up. I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted, so I chose to ignore you. I thought we could manage.”

She seems thoughtful and sad, but she’s listening to every word I’m saying. She’s trying to understand.

“That very first night you came home from the hotel, I knew what you had done. I had followed you,” I admit. “I was angry. I felt betrayed. Part of me hated you that night, and I used that anger to propel me. I made myself detach from you. I couldn’t deal with what you had done. When I look back, all that hatred I felt wasn’t for you. It was for me. I loathed myself for not being enough for you, for not being what you needed. I despised what you were doing but was too emotionally fucked to do anything about it. The only way I could deal with everything was to avoid you. It killed me to be near you, so I lived and breathed work, which you saw. I took as many trips away as I could so I wouldn’t have to lay next to you at night. I became a pussy. I ran from you because I felt like I’d never be enough. Losing Kayla destroyed me. It took my power. It took who I thought I was and changed me. I wish with everything inside me I could go back, that I could have a redo.”

She sobs. “I didn’t know. I didn’t know you were there.”

“I know you didn’t,” I whisper, wiping her tears.

“This is so fucked up.” Her eyes are rimmed with tears, her voice hoarse from crying. “If you waited for me, why pick Layla? Of all people, why her?”

I sigh. “She was easy. That’s it. I was angry and wanted to forget you, so I took what she offered. I used her and part of it was to get back at you. I needed a place to purge my pain. The thought of you with other men… it was killing me.”

She processes everything slowly. Her eyes flicker around as she grasps all I’ve said. After a minute, she whispers, “How many times did you fuck her, Cooper?”

Her question startles me. Out of everything she could ask, that catches me off guard. Her eyes are hot, and the glint in them causes the air in my lungs to evaporate. Her entire body boils, I can see it. Her hands move from my arms to my shoulders, sliding into my hair. She looks desperate, jealous, and possessive. The look on her face and the way her body screams “he’s mine” is something I haven’t seen for a long time.

“Tell me, Cooper. How many times did that bitch get to touch you?”

The intensity of her voice churns a slow burn in me and stirs my cock to life. I can’t help but counter her possessiveness. “Does it matter, Kylie?” I say gruffly. “I think I could ask you the same thing. How many men have touched what’s mine?” I growl, my chest rumbling with darkness. The thought of those pieces of shit, touching and tasting my girl blister me alive.

Her eyes flicker away, showing me that she’s just as affected by my need to own her as I am by her need to own me. Jealousy swarms red hot through our veins, contaminating everything around us. She wears her emotions across her face like a map, every line marking a path of pain, sorrow, and rage.

As she trembles in my arms, her fingers pull my hair roughly. She stares at me, our breathing hot and heavy, sexual possession about to be laid claim. “No more.”

My balls ache, and my cock becomes engorged, ready to enter her in a bruising stroke. I need to take it all from her and imprint my body on her soul. “You’re right, Kylie. No fucking more.” I pick her up, pushing her firmly against the shower wall.

I crush my lips to hers and thrust my tongue into her mouth. The kiss is messy, possessive—all fire and heat. She claws at me violently, digging her nails into my scalp and my neck.

She breaks the kiss and stares at me, a fierceness in her body. “You’re mine.” She slams her dainty fists into my chest for not being man enough to fight for her, every thump reminding me who I belong to.

A protectiveness seizes me with the urge to rip all the pain from her body. She stops and looks at me, her tits heaving with her short, exhausted breaths. She registers the look on my face, and her body trembles as goose bumps slide up her arms.

My smile is not sweet or tender, but dominant, carnal, and all encompassing. Her eyes sparkle with need, a yearning so deep, I can taste it. Her choppy breath breezes across my face, warming everything around me. When my nose touches hers, I lock my eyes with her baby blues.

“You, Mrs. Kylie fucking Bailey, have always—always—belonged to me.”

Her eyes light, her body sparking with flames. “Jesus, Cooper, take me already.”

I grip her ass tighter and line my cock up with her opening. I stare straight at her, and without warning, I thrust, impaling her. Her back hits the wall as she cries breathlessly. It sends a shiver of pleasure straight through me. I still for just a moment, waiting for her to adjust. I’m only conscious of her heat surrounding me, her tits begging for my mouth, and those wet nipples.

She squirms, her breaths coming in small puffs. Her eyes dance across my body, destroying me. Her face and soul, owning me. Her heart sears mine as I move inside her. Every primal, carnal, and dominant need, oozes out as I growl her name and claim her as mine.

“Who do you need?” I demand.

“You,” she cries, struggling for air.

“Who do you fucking belong to?” I thrust into her deepest part.

“You,” she screams, gripping my shoulders, drawing my blood with her nails.

The pain propels me. I continue my jarring movements, fucking her ruthlessly. Her face is slathered with pleasure. I notice her struggling to keep her head up and her eyes open. I need her to see this and live this moment.

“Don’t you dare close your eyes,” I command. “You look at me. You tell me right now. Who fucking owns you?”

“You.”

Her pussy clenches my cock. That’s enough to tip her over the edge, and I watch as her orgasm rockets through her tiny body. She looks at me, fighting to keep her eyes open. It’s magnetic and electric, watching the way she lights up as pleasure sweeps through her. A hazy, sated look spreads across her body. I need to keep her here, so I pick up my pace, desperate to bring her back to the brink of pleasure.

“Tell me, Kylie… who owns me?” My voice is thick and raspy. A rawness to it I’ve never heard.

I watch as she transforms from sated to possessive. Her look singes me, blistering every surface of my skin.

“I do,” she says, moving to kiss me. “I own you.”

I’m on the cusp of coming as she takes my mouth while I take her pussy. I break the kiss, needing to remind her of how we’re working from now on.

“Who touches you?”

“You.” She shudders, her body rushing with another wave of heat.

“Who touches me?” I whisper, slowing my thrusts so she can feel every ridge and line of my cock.

“I do,” she whispers, emotion taking over.

“Who loves you, baby?” My tone soft as I take her lips and love her.

“You do,” she breathes, against my mouth. The moment between us intensifies. I pull back and grip her tightly, digging my fingers into her soft flesh.

“Who loves me?” I’m desperate to hear it. I fight my release, needing her love, her words, her body to put my weary heart to rest.

She lays her hand on my cheek, her chest lurching back and forth. “I do.” She smiles, her blues eyes overflowing with tenderness.

The atmosphere that was savage turns intimate as we both peak. It takes two more slow, tender thrusts. I lay my forehead against hers and say, “You do. You love me.”

I finally give in, releasing my seed inside her. I bring my arms from under her to around her waist. She clings to me as I sink to my knees. Tears come from both of us as the cold water pelts my back. Her warmth against my body breathes life into me, renewing my heart with strength I didn’t think it had. We’ve finally taken each other back, and I know from this day forward, I will never abandon my wife again. I will love her always, and I will honor those vows and cherish her till death do us part.

I know what it’s like to lose her, to have my life destroyed. To live lost, miserable, and bathed in darkness. I will never go back. Kylie and I are not magically healed, but we are so much better than we were a month ago. That’s enough for me.

Three months later…

“Cooper,” she squeals.

“Just a second, we’re almost there.” I laugh.

“Oh my God. I feel like I’m going to fall.”

“I’ve got you,” I say as I swing her into my arms.

She lets out a shriek then a laugh. “What are you doing?”

“You’ll see,” I whisper, walking toward our destination with her tucked in my arms.

“By the way, I hate this blindfold.”

“You hate not being able to see what we’re doing.” I chuckle.

“I hate surprises.”

“I know you do. That’s why I love them.”

“You’re so bad,” she says with a playful smack.

“Mmm… Only with you,” I murmur, kissing her cheek.

“Are we there yet?”

I shake my head. “God, you have no patience.”

“I can’t help it. You have me all wound up.”

“I’ll wind you up, all right,” I whisper, teasing her. “But we’re here.” I set her down and take her hands. I pull her gently so she’s facing me. I nip her ear, ghosting my breath across the bottom of her lobe, the way she likes it. “Are you ready?”

“What do you think?” she whispers, excited.

“I think you want to wait some more,” I joke.

“Come on, Coop.”

I kiss her lips and smile against them. “Fine, you win.” I take off the blindfold. “Go ahead,” I say, wiggling my brows. “Turn around.”

She blinks as her eyes adjust to the light. “I’m scared.” A wide grin spreads across her face.

“Why?” I laugh. “This is your surprise.”

“I know, but I hate surprises.”

“Don’t be silly. Look.”

She spins around, and I hear what I’ve been dying to—a gasp. “Oh my God, did you do all this?”

“No, I hired Santa and his posse,” I quip. “Of course I did.”

She turns around mirth dancing across her face and thumps me softly on the arm. I yelp playfully, which makes her giggle. I watch her turn back to take everything in.

“I can’t believe you did…” Her voice trails off as she realizes where we are.

I hear her quick intake of breath and see her shoulders quiver as she takes in her surroundings. She takes a shaky step toward the tree. She runs her hand along the bark. I see her splay them slowly against it. She stands with her back to me and everything in me can tell she’s affected by our location.

She tilts her head up to look at the lanterns in the branches. Her hair cascades down her back in beautiful waves, and the light hits it perfectly. My breath catches at her beauty, and my body warms when she turns around. Her eyes hold amazement and something else. She looks moved, loved, and happy.

She smiles and shakes her head. “How did you do this?”

“I have my ways,” I murmur.

“This is our spot…”

“It is.”

“We haven’t been here in a long time.” She turns to go around to the other side of the tree.

I know what she’s looking for, so I follow her. I see her raise a shaky hand and run her finger over the C&K that are engraved in the bark. The way she traces the letters is reverent.

“Do you remember this?” she asks quietly.

“How could I forget?”

“We were so young.”

“But happy,” I whisper.

“And hopelessly in love,” she breathes, her blue eyes swimming in emotion.

“I’m still hopelessly in love.”

She smiles, a couple tears dripping down her cheeks. “So am I.”

I grab her and bring her into my embrace. The dusky sky beams above us, the lanterns illuminating around us and the sound of the breeze surrounds us. I hold my angel and sway back and forth. “We should dance.”

“There’s no music, silly.” She laughs.

“Yes, there is.” I pull out my phone and turn on a song—Blake Shelton’s “Mine Would be You.”

Her hand goes to her mouth. I put the phone on the blanket in the grass and pull her into my chest. She wraps her arms around my shoulders and buries her face in the crook of my neck.

“You thought of everything.”

“I tried.”

We dance in the sunset, soaking in each other. The feel of her against me is like nothing on earth. Her scent is intoxicating, and it puts me in a trance. She swims through my body, creating a haze inside me.

“Do you remember the first thing you ever said to me?” she asks.

“I think so.”

“It was love at first line,” she whispers.

“What?” I laugh and pull back.

“Love at first line.” Her cheeks turn pink, and she tips her head down shyly.

“What does that mean?”

She lifts her eyes to mine. “It means I fell in love with the first line you spoke to me.”

“And what did I say?” My voice drops low as I think about the first time she plowed me over in the hallway of our high school.

“‘Whoa… where’d you come from?’” She giggles.

“Well you did run me over.” I smirk, playfully. “It’s was hard to come up with something sexy on the fly.”

“I did. But the way you looked at me…” She shivers. “I’ll never forget that.”

“And how did I look at you, Kylie?”

“Like you’d just seen an angel.”

“I had…” I fall in love with her a little more in this moment.

“We’ve been through a lot since then.”

“Yeah, we have.”

Her forehead creases in thought. “But you still love me.”

“Every day since.”

“When did you know I was the girl for you?”

She looks as though she needs a reminder, reassurance and I want to give it. I want to give her everything I haven’t the last two years.

“Do you remember the night we won our division? The football game against the state champs?”

“Yeah,” she says, “how could I forget? Fucking Janna Taylor.”

“Do you remember what you did?” I ask, amusement tickling my chest. “At the after party.”

“Yeah, I almost killed her,” she breathes.

I chuckle. “You were pretty angry that she had hugged me.”

“And then kissed you.”

“On the cheek, Kylie.”

“I don’t care,” she mutters. “I think we’re getting off track here.”

“I’m always off track with you,” I murmur, leaning in to kiss her. “You were so mad, but you still let me take you home.”

“I always let you take me home.” She runs her fingers through the hair at the nape of my neck.

“Yeah, but that night, I wasn’t sure you would let me. When we got to your door, you were crying. You were jealous and possessive. Your eyes that night… They glowed, and I felt something stir in me. It was weird. I had never felt something grip me so intensely. I wanted to protect you. I didn’t want you to hurt, and I had caused it. I was already in love with you, but at that moment, I fell head over heels. No one had ever loved me enough to stake their claim in front of so many people. You know my parents didn’t give a shit, but you were this beautiful angel, and you cared. You felt like I was yours and no one could have a piece of me. You took claim of me. You owned me that night.”

She stares at me, soaking that in. “We were so young back then.”

“Yeah, but I think we knew.”

“We came from completely different worlds.”

“We did, but we had something huge in common. We were two kids looking for love.”

“We latched on to each other.” Her face lights up as we go back and forth setting my heart ablaze.

“We did, because when we were together, we finally found where we belonged. We finally found our reason for being.”

She smiles and runs her palm across my cheek. “We were attached at the hip.”

“We were, weren’t we?” I laugh.

“I couldn’t get enough of you,” she whispers, her eyes serious.

“There’ll never be a day when I could get enough you, Kylie.” The energy between us churns to a low burn. “Thank you for coming here with me.”

“Thank you for bringing me here.”

“Should we eat?” I ask, pointing at the blanket and picnic basket.

“You really did think of everything.”

“I tried. Come on.”

We walk over to the blanket and sit across from each other. I grab the basket, open it, and pull out the champagne, fruit, and sandwiches.

“Wow… yummy,” she says.

I notice the cute grin that lines her face, and a surge of satisfaction shoots through me. I love making her happy and feeling as though I’m doing something right for a change. “What do you want first?”

“Fruit,” she says. “I’m starving. I haven’t eaten today. Cali and I went on a shoe run and hit up Niemen’s for some summer dresses. Before we knew it, it was time to come home.”

“How much damage did you do today?” I ask, raising a brow.

Her cheeks turn red. “A good amount.”

“Do you girls do anything other than shop?”

“No, not really. What else is there to do?”

“I don’t know. Get coffee and maybe just look at the clothes and shoes.”

“What’s the fun in that? The point of shopping is to come home with good things that make you feel amazing. Plus I like hanging with Cali. You know, bonding. Girl time.”

I chuckle. “Well, I’m glad you had fun spending money.”

“I got some stuff for you too.” Her voice drops low and husky.

That piques my attention. “You did?”

“Yep,” she says, the ‘p’ popping off her lips.

I smirk in a ‘please continue this’ way.

She smiles teasingly.

“Are you going to tell me what you got?”

“Nope,” she says, taunting me.

“Why not?”

“That would ruin my surprise.”

I toss her a lopsided grin. “Now you’re surprising me?”

She points toward our surroundings, a smile lifting her lips. “Well, I have to repay you for this grand gesture.”

“And when am I to get this payment?” I inquire, my dick twitching.

“Maybe tonight.”

“Are you really hungry?” I ask, the food losing its appeal.

“Yes.” She laughs. “Mind on the food, Cooper.”

“I’m looking at my food.”

She blushes, and I swear it runs all the way down to her toes.

“I love it when you get that look on your face,” she says, her voice dropping to this husky, sexiness that rips through me.

“What look?”

“The one where your eyes eat me alive. It’s almost as if you’re picturing me naked and spread before you already. It’s like you can’t wait to get your hands on me.”

“That would be exactly what I’m doing,” I murmur, pulling her to me.

She comes willingly, climbing into my lap. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I say right before taking her lips in a searing kiss.

She moans, the vibration racing to my cock. I grasp her hair and pull her into me closer. Having her in my arms again, at our special place, is indescribable.

She pulls back, her face heated and sexy. “We should eat,” she whispers.

“Mmm… I would love to eat.” I breathe, pecking her lips again.

I grab a strawberry and bring it to her mouth. She bites down and chews it slowly. My body’s so hot right now, and my dick is probably poking her in the ass. I’m aching for her, but I need to hold myself back. I don’t want tonight to be about sex. I want to make her feel special and loved, and I still have a surprise to give her.

She finishes the first strawberry, and grabs a piece of pineapple. She drags it across my bottom lip then pulls it back. She leans forward, her eyes connecting with mine, and licks the juice off slowly. I groan, no longer able to contain the surge of bliss that stirs in my blood. She smiles like a vixen, enjoying her power over me, and brings the pineapple to her mouth, taking a slow, seductive bite.

“Are you trying to kill me?” I watch as she swallows, my heart in my throat.

“Maybe.”

“Well you’re doing a good job.”

She giggles and bites her lip. “I can feel that.”

“I’m sure you can.”

“Would it help if I sit over there?” She points at her open spot.

I don’t want her to move, but having her body against mine is nothing short of torture. We’ve been apart for so long that having her back is almost like dating her for the first time. We’re in a honeymoon phase, and I feel as though I need her every second of the day.

“That might be a good idea because big, hard, wide Cooper wants to come out and play with little Kylie right now.”

Her face turns beet red, and she bursts out laughing, rolling off my lap. She laughs so hard that tears drip down her cheeks. “I can’t believe you just said that.”

I grin stupidly and laugh too. “Neither can I. You make me feel like a teenager.”

She pulls herself together. “That line was brilliant, but I don’t want you to ever call my pussy little Kylie again. It’s kind of creepy.”

That pulls a deep laugh from me. “Noted.” I take a bite out of the sandwich she hands me. “Do you remember Mr. Patty?”

“Your grandpa’s friend, right? He was the one who owned this property.”

“Yep.” I nod. “You know he was going to expand his farm out here but never did.” I look at the trees and lake that are now dark in the twilight. “I’ve always loved this spot. It’s so private.”

“It’s beautiful,” she says, looking at the nature around us.

“He put it up for sale three years ago.”

“He did?” she says, taken aback. “Are we okay to be here?”

I chuckle. “We’re fine. He was getting older and wanted to move to a smaller place. Taking care of the crops and animals got to be too much for him, and this piece of land was just another thing to take care of. He didn’t want the expense, so he put it on the market.”

“Wow. I haven’t seen him in years.”

“Yeah, me either.”

“So who bought the land? Why are we okay to be here if it’s not his anymore?”

I gaze at her and smile. “I bought it.”

“What?” she exclaims. “When? You never told me that.”

“I was keeping it as a surprise. Right before I proposed, I saw it in the paper. I used some of the money I had received from my parents when I turned eighteen. I couldn’t let our spot be sold to someone else.”

“Why would you keep this from me?” she asks, scrunching her nose.

“I wanted to give you something after we had our first child,” I whisper. “I wanted to build you a house here. Do you remember when we found the lake house?”

“Yeah,” she says.

“Well, we bought that right before we got married. You fell in love with that place within five seconds of stepping out the car. So I thought I would keep this place in my back pocket. We had the house and then the lake house. I saw no point in building a third home. I figured once the baby was born, I would broach the subject of moving out here.”

“I can’t believe you own our spot,” she whispers.

“We own our spot.” I correct.

A blinding smile takes over her flawless face. I decide to go on and tell her why I brought her out here today.

“I want to sell the lake house and our home and build a new one out here,” I say. “I want a fresh start for us. A place where we have good memories already. The lake house and our home feel tainted, Kylie. I want something new for us, a clean slate. This right here is the best of both worlds. We have our lake that we love.” I point toward the glistening lake. “We can build a big home, custom made with everything you want. It’ll be a new start, away from everything that’s held us back.”

Her eyes fill with tears, and she smiles, sending relief through me. “I’d love that. I’d love a fresh start with you.”

I smile back, feeling lighter. I wasn’t sure how she would take that. I’ve been thinking about it so much over the last month, and I didn’t know how to bring it up. I thought she might freak when I brought up getting rid of both places.

“Okay. This is good.”

She laughs. “It is.” Her eyes rake my body and move back to my face. “Thank you, Cooper. Thank you for loving me. For giving me a second chance.”

“Baby,” I breathe, my heart beating wildly, “please don’t thank me. I don’t deserve it. This is what I should have been doing all along. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she breathes as she climbs in my lap.

“But I let you down”

“But we’re okay now.”

“I promised I’d never, ever abandon you.” I continue, my chest aching. “I made your biggest fear come true. I left you to face so many things alone. I’ve broken every promise I’ve made to you.”

My anger at myself blisters fresh across my skin. I can’t believe who I became over the last two years. Who I allowed myself to become. When I look at her, I feel an intense amount of guilt. I let the woman I love more than life itself suffer. All she wanted was to be loved and taken care of, and all I did was hurt and avoid her.

“That’s not true. You didn’t break every promise,” she says. “We both promised each other the world, and we thought we could give it. We’ve both done things we regret. It’s part of growing up. As long as we do it together, we’ll be okay. Losing Kayla was something we never imagined would happen. I don’t think we ever considered the fact that there was a chance. We were naïve, and we didn’t know how to cope. It’s taken us a while to work through that, and it’ll still take time. We got lost, but look at where we are.” She slashes her hand through the air to indicate our spot. “We’re back where we started. This is us. We’re naturally happy people, Cooper. We were always happy before the misery set in, and we can be happy again. We just have to find it and come to terms with the fact that our baby is never coming back.” She closes her eyes for a second. “I don’t know how to make peace with that. Maybe that’s where Dr. Kincaid comes in.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I murmur. “It’s hard to undo what I’ve done.”

“We can’t go back, but we can go forward. Together. None of the damage is permanent. We can heal over time. That’s why we’re in therapy. So we can learn from what we did, grow up a little, and find ways to cope with the fact that Kayla’s gone.”

“You like her though? Right? The doctor?”

“Yeah, she’s nice. This week was hard though.”

“Yeah.” I sigh. “For me, too.”

“Did she bring up Kayla?”

“Yeah, she did.”

“I don’t know why I can’t face her grave. I can’t even think about going there. The thought of it hurts too badly.” Tears pool in her eyes.

“I understand, baby. You’re her mother. Of course it’s going to be hard on you.”

“But I feel if anyone has abandoned anyone, it’s me. I can’t believe I let her down. I didn’t see her laid to rest. I didn’t get to say good-bye, and the sickest thing of all, I haven’t been to see her once. Not once,” she breathes, regret lacing every word she just spoke.

“We’ll get through this.” I hold her face and kiss her. “We’ll get through this. That’s why I brought you here. I want a fresh start for us. I don’t want the memories in those places following us. We’ll keep going to our therapist, and we’ll work up to you going to see her. You’ll do it, and I’ll hold your hand through it. You’re doing the best you can, and I should have acknowledged that from the beginning. She’s not there. She’s here.” I place my hand on her heart. “She’s with you, sweet girl, and she’s with me.” I place her hand on my heart. “We’ll learn how to move on together.” A couple tears trail down her cheeks, so I take my thumbs and dry them. “I don’t deserve you, but I swear, Kylie, I will do everything in my power to get us where we need to be.”

“I love you,” she whispers. “Through all this, we’ve been screaming for her and each other. Our world broke, and I don’t think it’ll never be the same. But I don’t want to go back, Cooper. I never want to go back to what happened and what we became.”

“We won’t,” I exhale. “Never again. I promise you from this day forward that no matter what happens, I’ll always, always fight for you.” The tenderness behind her eyes, the sweetness behind her touch and the feel of her in my arms soothes every aching, oozing wound I have.

“I know you won’t,” she whispers. “Do you want to know how I know?”

I nod.

“Look at where we are. Look where you brought me. Do you know what this means to me? How this made me feel? You’ve brought me home. This was where we started.” She examines my face, really seeing me. There’s a lightness to her, an ethereal beauty that melts me. “Here… right here”—she pats the grass—“you asked me to be your girlfriend. It was right here that you made love me for the first time. God, do you remember the way that felt? The way you made me feel that day was indescribable. You asked me to be your wife here. Every good thing began here, and every private moment we’ve had was captured here. This is our spot. You’ve brought me back and offered me the world. You’re a wonderful man, and I love you with every fiber of who I am.”

“I love you too. More than anything in the world. I’m going to spend the rest of my life proving that love to you.”

“And I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving you the way you deserve. I’m sorry for hurting you, for being selfish and taking things into my own hands. I’m sorry I left you without thinking about what I was doing. I acted like an immature brat, and I’ve done some pretty despicable things to you. I know you never wanted to open our marriage. I forced that on you. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry for everything.”

“Me too, sweet girl. Let’s make a promise to each other.”

“Okay.” Her blue eyes twinkle in the moonlight and lanterns, glisten against her creamy skin, stirring every ounce of my body.

“Let’s promise that there’ll be no more ‘I’m sorrys’ over what’s already been done. From this moment on, we’ll look forward and tackle things day by day, together, getting the help we need along the way. I forgive you, Kylie. Your mistakes don’t reflect on what I think of you. I know your heart. I know who you are. I hope someday you can let this go and forgive yourself, and then forgive me for not being the man I promised you I would be.”

“I’ve already forgiven you,” she whispers.

I look at this beautiful, magnetic and captivating woman that owns my soul and know that I would lay down my life for her. I would walk through hell, again and again to be the man she deserves.

“Thank you.”

“So we’re building a home here,” she says, her eyes widening with delight.

“If you want to.”

“Yes, I want to. When can we start?”

I laugh. That’s her. That’s exactly who she is, an impatient, shopping obsessed, sexy, tell it like it is, loving, strong-willed spitfire. “I guess we’ll start tomorrow. I think we need to get the new house built before we list our home. I’m going to go ahead and put the lake house on the market, though.”

Her face glazes over with sadness. “I’ll miss that house.”

“Me too,” I whisper, “but there are so many better memories ahead of us.”

“Mmm… like what?” she asks, her body turning to putty in my arms as she straddles me.

I lick my lips and look at her, trying to hold back from laying her on the grass and ravishing her. She looks edible. “Do you have my present on under that little black dress that’s riding up right now?”

She pulls back and flips her eyes to my mouth. “I’m not sure. I might.”

“You might?”

“I think you’re going to have to open me up and take a look.”

I groan, feeling my body hum from the heat seeping off her skin. “Champagne first.”

A seductive smile takes over her face. “Are you holding out on me, Mr. Bailey?”

“I’m trying to be a good boy tonight and just spend time with you,” I mutter. “It’s not working. You look so damn good all I can think about is getting under that dress. Did you get this today?” I run my fingers across the swell of her breasts.

Her throat bobs as she swallows and goose bumps pepper her arms. “No, but what’s underneath it is new,” she purrs.

I move my eyes from her breasts to her face, sliding my hands up her smooth thighs. “You’re torturing me.”

“You’re torturing yourself. I’m ready to be thrown around and manhandled.” A wildness takes over her eyes.

“Fuck, baby.”

“Fuck baby is right.” She leans into me. “Do you know what I want right this second? I want to ride your cock.” She nibbles my neck. “I want to sink down onto you. I want to make you feel good.”

“Kylie,” I groan, struggling.

She licks a path to my ear and breathes into it, sending a rush straight to my dick. “I want you to watch where we’re joined. I want you to see me taking you in. I want you to remember that.”

I push her back so I can see her face and grasp her cheeks. “Baby, I can feel you even when I’m not inside you. You crawl through every vein, seize every part and own almost every thought.”

“Then let me have you,” she whispers, her fingers playing in my hair. “Let me have you out here. It’s been years since we’ve made love in this place. And tonight, I want to be the one to make love to you. I want to do things to you. I want to take care of you.”

I swallow roughly. How do I turn that down? I’d be an idiot to say no to my wife. And trust me I’ll never say no to her again. There’s nothing better than watching Kylie take me. Nothing in this world could ever compare to making love to my wife.

I smile, a salacious grin which she immediately sees. I watch as it elicits a tremble. “You never have to ask to have me. I’m yours anywhere and anytime. Let’s play a game first though.”

That piques her curiosity. “Okay.”

“Ten questions. First answer that comes to your mind. Every question you answer, I’ll lose a piece of clothing.”

She smiles, her eyes twinkling. “I like this game.”

“When was the last time we made love?”

“The night before last,” she says.

“Mmm… right. It was a little quick, don’t you think?”

“It was, but we were in a hurry,” she says, unbuttoning my shirt.

“Well there’s no hurry now.”

“No, there’s not.”

“What’s our favorite thing to do together?”

She giggles. “I’d say each other.” She pulls off my shirt. “But I think you mean an actual hobby. Swimming in the lake, taking out the jet skis, and the boat.”

“Ding, ding, ding.” I smile, removing my belt.

She bites her bottom lip. “I’m hot.”

“Do you need help with this?” I finger the hem of her dress.

“God, Cooper, I love and hate your version of foreplay. I’m aching.”

“And I’m still hungry,”

She looks at me, her face transforming. She gets up and takes her dress off in one quick flip, tosses her shoes aside, and stands there looking sexy as sin in pink lace underwear. My muscles flex and itch to take her. To pin her down and keep her hands locked in mine while I pound her over and over, hearing her screams pierce the night air.

“Get up,” she orders.

I chuckle. “I love it when you take charge.”

“You never let me take charge.” She pouts, bending to remove my shoes. Then, faster than I can blink, she removes my boxer briefs and pants. I stand before her hungry gaze, my cock thick and hot for her.

“Do you want to know what I see?”

I nod, letting her have her moment.

“I see the man of my dreams. A blonde-haired, green-eyed man with a body of sin. You’re amazing. I crave every inch of you.” She moves around me, dragging her fingers across my middle. “These abs make my mouth water.”

Her tongue snakes along the ridges of my torso. I clench my fists, suppressing the urge to grab her hair and bring her mouth to mine. After she’s done licking and kissing, she steps back and shimmies her panties down while giving me a coy smile. She fingers the front clasp of her bra and unhooks it. Her hands go to her pink nipples. I’m entranced by her naked body. Every part of me aches, vibrates and hums.

“Touch your cock,” she orders, breathless.

I stroke myself, watching her play with her breasts. Her fingers gracefully skip down her body and dip into her wet pussy. She groans as she watches my hand play with my dick. We’re both hungry. I pump slowly as an ache builds, and a low growl rumbles from my chest.

“Lay down, Cooper,” she breathes.

I do what she says, reminding myself that tonight’s for her. This is for her. Once I’m flat on my back, she crawls over me, positioning her pussy over my cock.

“Fuck, Kylie…” My voice shakes with pure fucking need. “Take me, baby, before I change my mind, flip your ass over and take you.”

She grins, her face wild and sexy. I feel the heat pulse from her body. She slides down over me, and we both groan. I push up on my elbows to watch her sink up and down over my dick. I watch her take me hungrily. I move my hips with hers, keeping my hands to myself while she splays hers across my chest. We stare at our connection, both taken by how perfect we look together. I hear her purr as her pussy clenches my length. Her hair hangs over her shoulders and down her breasts.

“You’re so beautiful,” I say hoarsely. “I can’t get enough of you.”

She groans, picking up her pace. I feel my release coming like an out-of-control car on the interstate. It’s barreling toward me so fast I can’t stop it. Her pace becomes maddening as she rides me into heaven. Her own release is on the cusp. She looks up from where we’re joined, and the love in her eyes pushes me over. I roar, grab her hips, and pound up into her mercilessly. She screams out my name into the moonlight sky. After we come down, she sags on top of me, and I hold her close.

“Jeez, that was hot,” she says.

I laugh. “Our little game made it two questions before you devoured me.”

She lifts her head off my chest and blushes. “I’m not good at waiting.”

I kiss her nose. “Champagne now?”

“Yeah, I’m parched.”

I move her off me gently, and grab the bottle and glasses. I pop it open, pour some bubbly, and hand a glass to her.

“I love this place,” she murmurs, closing her eyes as a breeze whips through her hair. “When’s the last time you came out here?”

“It’s been a long time. You were about six months pregnant with Kayla. I came out to fish and think.”

“And you haven’t been back since?”

“No.”

“Why?” she asks.

“When things got hard, it was too painful to be out here. You’re here all over this place. Everywhere I look, I see you, feel you.”

“I’m so—”

I place my finger against her lips to hush her. “No, remember? No more. Tonight is about fresh starts, about a new beginning for us. Let’s toast.” I lift my glass.

She smiles. “Have I told you how much I love you? Thank you for this. I’m grateful.”

“You’re welcome, sweet girl. I was thinking back the other day. So much of what happened could’ve been avoided if I had just opened my mouth and told you what I was thinking. Pride held me back,” I whisper.

“But here we are,” she whispers back. “Naked, holding champagne, and toasting new beginnings.”

I laugh at the naked part. “Yeah, here we are. Now for this toast.”

I hold up my glass. She tilts hers toward mine and nods. I look at my glorious wife and think of all I want to say to her, all I want to give to her.

“To us,” I say. “To moving forward. To starting again and learning along the way. To making things up to you through my actions and not my words. To loving you through the good and bad. To being the man I promised I’d be. To forgiveness and love. To new beginnings and putting the past behind us. I love you, Kylie. I’m a better man with you by my side. You give me wings and help me fly. You are my today and tomorrow, my beginning and end. The reason I wake up in the morning and the last thought I think of before I go to bed. I pledge to live my life to see you happy, to watch you be the woman you want to be, and to make sure all your dreams come true. I’ve loved you through the bad, and I can’t wait to love you through the good. Here’s to our future, which will be better because we’ve learned and grown from our mistakes. To us, to new beginnings, and new adventures.”

Her eyes fill with tears, but a smile covers her face. “I love you. To us, to new beginnings, and new adventures. To the man of my dreams, the owner of my heart and soul.”

We clink our glasses and take a sip, looking at each other. The air around us simmers with love. We’re working hard on our marriage and on ourselves, and if two people work and want better, they can have it.

Six weeks later…

I’m getting ready for a day trip. When I pulled out of my deal with Nate and Grayson’s company, it left me in a precarious position. I have the capital to expand, but using my own money on a business venture is dangerous and risky. So over the last couple of months, I’ve been working hard to find capital from an outside investor. I now have an investment company secured for the expansion, but the CEO is insisting I come to Fort Lauderdale and sign all the documents in person.

That would be a non-issue, but over the last week, Kylie’s been sick. I want to postpone, but that means delaying the capital I’ve worked my ass off to secure and possibly sending me back to square one. If I want the money, without having to use my own, I’ve got to go.

I’m on the way home from the grocery store with Gatorade and soup. Kylie seems to have picked up the flu. She can’t keep down liquids, and I’m concerned that if she gets worse, she’s going to end up in the Emergency Room. I don’t want to leave her alone, so I called Cali to come over for the day.

Fort Lauderdale is a three-hour trip from Tampa. The meeting should only go for three or four hours, so I think I’ll be back by midnight. I pull into my driveway, park the car, and get out. I walk straight to the kitchen, put away what I got from the store, and head to the bedroom to check on my girl.

I look at the bed and notice Kylie’s not there. I decide to check the bathroom. I open the door and call her name, trying to let her know I’m home. She doesn’t respond. I feel the hot burn of fear curling around me. She couldn’t have gone anywhere in the thirty minutes I was out.

I head for the living room and stop when I see her on the sofa, curled up and sleeping. My heart that was beating outside my chest slows as I watch her chest rise and fall. I walk up to her and notice she has a sheen of sweat across her brow. I sit on the edge of the sofa and try to rouse her by rubbing her hair.

“Hey, baby. I’m back,” I whisper.

Her eyes flutter open, and she squints at me. She looks pale, and I can tell she’s lost weight this week. Her face is thinner. Her hair is all over the place, and her eyes look dull and hazy. She looks worse than when I left her an hour ago.

“Coop.” Her voice is raspy.

“I’m home. Are you okay? Are you feeling worse?” My voice tightens with concern. She’s never had the flu this bad before, and usually at this point, it’s gotten better.

“Not good.” She grimaces. “I feel like ass.”

“What’s hurting? You’re sweating again?”

I pick her up and cradle her against my body. She reaches for my neck and grips me tight, burrowing in close. I sit with her wrapped in my arms, and my stomach knots. She feels hot and damp. Something feels off and I’m concerned. I think it’s time she goes to the doctor.

“Kylie,” I murmur, “I think we need to take you to the Emergency Room. Something doesn’t feel right.”

“It’s just the flu, honey. You know, I caught it from Cali,” she whispers, latching on to me tightly. “Do you have to go today? Can’t you just stay home and cuddle with me?”

My chest constricts at her request. I don’t want to leave her. I can’t stomach the thought of her being sick, especially this sick, and me being MIA. I don’t know what to do. I want the money, but right now Kylie needs me. I flick through ideas of how to delay this trip, and one hits me in the stomach.

“Yeah,” I say, overwhelmed. “Let me see what I can do.” I place a soft kiss on her head and breathe her scent, letting it relax me some. “I’m going to take you back to bed. When was the last time you took something for this fever?”

“About two hours ago,” she says and yawns.

I stand with her cradled to my chest and move to the bedroom. I deposit her gently back in bed and take a good look at her. She’s shivering. Chills rack her tiny body, and her eyes are barely open. Her skin looks pale and has an odd greenish-yellowish tint.

“Oh God, I’m gonna throw up,” she says, clutching her stomach.

I rush to grab the trash can and bring it to her face. Her body lurches, trying to expel whatever is eating at it, but nothing comes out. There’s nothing left inside her to throw up. Anxiety settles over me as I watch her struggle. I feel myself tighten with every heave. My heart beats rapidly, and my blood pressure spikes. I can’t take this. I can’t take her in pain.

“Let me get you something cool for your head,” I murmur. I’m all nerves as I go to the bathroom. “We’re going to the doctor. I’m not taking no for an answer.” My voice tells her that I’m not screwing around. We’re going whether she wants to, or not.

“It’s just the flu,” she mumbles, pulling the comforter over her.

“I don’t care what it is. You’re going. This isn’t up for discussion.” I walk into the bathroom and grab a cold compress for her head. I lay it on her face, wiping it along her eyes and cheeks. “I need to make a couple calls. I’ll be right back. Try to sleep for a little bit.”

I kiss her head, feeling the heat that emanates from it. Yep, definitely running a fever. The meds aren’t working. I return to the kitchen, scrubbing my hand across my face. I hate seeing her in pain. I pick up my phone and make a call I really don’t want to make.

“Wow, what do I owe the honor of this call? It’s been a long time,” he says, his voice rough and out of breath.

“Yeah, yeah,” I mutter. “You busy?”

“I’m at the gym. What’s up?”

“I need a favor,” I say, hating that I’m doing this.

He lets out a long breath, and I can visualize him standing with a scowl on his face as he rolls his shoulders.

“This better not be about Kylie, Cooper” he says, his voice low but annoyed.

“Come on, Grayson, don’t fuck with me right now. You don’t even know what’s going on.” I exhale, my tone rough and distressed. “It wasn’t easy making this call.”

After a minute, he blows out a harsh breath. “Yeah, well, listen we all needed a break, and I have some shit going on that I need to talk to you guys about anyway. So tell me what you need.”

“I hate to ask you this, but I need to go sign some papers today. Tim’s insisting I drive to Fort Lauderdale and do it in person, but I gotta deal with something else.”

“What could be more important than that?” he asks, curiosity coating his words.

It’s been over four months since we last spoke, and I really don’t want to involve him in our lives just yet. But I’m in a tough spot. It’s time to suck it up and let him in on what’s going on.

“Kylie’s sick,” I say, my voice uneven.

“What? Sick? What do you mean?”

I run my hand through my hair. “I don’t know. She looks really sick. I thought about leaving her with Cali today, but she’s getting worse. I can’t take seeing her suffer like this. I don’t think it can wait. She needs to see a doctor, and it needs to be today.”

“Damn, okay. What do you need from Tim?”

“I need you to call him. I don’t know if you can pull some strings. Get him to work with me. I can fax the paperwork to him. I can’t and won’t leave my wife. Not like this. But I need that paperwork signed, like, yesterday. I don’t want to have to find another investor.”

“Let me ask you a question,” he says, his voice dropping low. “Do you still have me listed on the ownership papers?”

I still because I think I know what he’s asking. If he signs for me, then he’ll have to be a part of the new location. He has a small stake in the current office, but after everything that happened with Nate, I’ve been careful to keep the second location away from him. I want to branch out and buy him out.

“Yeah.” I take a deep breath. “But, Grayson, not to be an asshole, I’m doing this on my own. If need be, I’ll use my own money to do it.”

He’s silent. Gray’s a good businessman and doesn’t take matters like this personally. He finally says, “Okay. Tim owes me, and I’ll call in a favor for you. It shouldn’t be a problem. Now tell me how sick my girl is.”

“Your girl?” Irritation blooms and my protectiveness kicks in. I’m not sure who he thinks he is talking so casually about my wife after all the bullshit that went down.

“Sorry, bro, just an old habit. Please, tell me what’s going on with her?”

I sigh. If I don’t tell him, he’ll probably show up later to check on her. I hate this between all of us. I know the last couple months haven’t been easy on him either.

“She started throwing up last week, and it’s gotten progressively worse. She’s running a fever, and the chills are ridiculous. I can’t get them to stop for more than an hour. I swear she’s lost weight this week.” My head pounds, thinking of her in bed and in pain. “She’s keeps insisting it’s the flu. She caught it from Cali, who was sick with it, but I don’t know. Something’s telling me there’s more going on. I thought I’d just take her to Emergency Room. I think she’s dehydrated and needs fluids.” I head down the hall to check on her.

“Okay, let me… umm… I’ll call Tim and figure this out.” I hear shuffling in the background and then it gets quiet for a second. “Can I see her?”

I stare at Kylie, all bundled up, and my chest aches. I can’t stand to see her like this. I hate not being in control. Can Gray see her? I don’t know… I guess I owe him for this.

“Yeah, I guess you can,” I whisper as I step into the room and over to her.

“Thank you,” he murmurs.

“I’ve got to go. I’m taking her in now. I’ll call or text you from the ER.” I want to be done with this conversation. I look down at my world and feel a heaviness overcome me. Something’s definitely wrong.

“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon. And, Cooper, don’t stress too much,” he says.

“I’ve got to go,” I repeat a little more aggressively.

“Fine, we’ll talk later!”

The line clicks dead. “Yeah…”

I walk to the opposite side of the bed and pull back the covers, slip off my shoes, and crawl in behind her. I wrap my arms around her very warm body and stroke her stomach, holding her against me.

I whisper tenderly into her ear, “Kylie, sweet girl.” It comes out like a coo, something meant to stir her gently. She moves, moaning, and I rub her hair. “Hey, you. We need to get you up so we can get to the doctor.”

“I don’t want to go,” she groans, her movements lethargic.

“I know.” I lean over to kiss her cheek. “But you need to. For me, okay?”

“Can you carry me there? I’m too tired to move.”

“You know I will. I need you better.”

“Yeah,” she mutters. “Maybe this is getting worse.”

“I think so, baby. I’m going to get you some clothes. Then we’re heading out. I’ll call Cali so she can meet us there.”

“Thank you.” She turns and hits me with those glazed-over blue eyes.

“Nah, no ‘thank you’ needed. Just get better for me.” I kiss her head. “I miss you. I need my spunky girl back, yeah?”

“Mmmhmm.” She smiles, moving her hand to cup my dick. “I miss you, too. Especially this.” She strokes me through my jeans.

A small laugh and groan escapes my mouth. “Even sick, you’re my little sex queen.”

She laughs, and my shoulders lighten some. Her spirit always rises above, casting light on everything.

“Come on, it’s time to get ready.” I clasp her hand. “I love you.” I kiss her and move out of bed, hoping my girl’s not too sick. Because if she is, I’m not sure what the fuck I’m going to do.

I feel the swell of panic setting in as I wait for the doctor. The nurses have drawn blood, taken a urine sample, and hooked Kylie up to IV fluids. She’s resting, and a dainty purr sneaks past her lips. I’m barely hanging in there. I hate hospitals. This hospital in particular holds nightmarish memories for both of us. The smells swirling through the room burn my air way, toxically filling my lungs with hideous fumes that compress my chest, and make it hard to take a full breath. The only thing keeping me from jetting out of here is my wife, bundled up and feeling like shit. Every second feels like an hour. The thought that something could be seriously wrong is eating at my stomach, causing pain to shoot through my core. The ticking monitors have me on edge.

With a light tap on the door, Cali swaggers in. Her face radiates concern for her friend. “Hey. Any word yet?”

“None. We’re still waiting.”

“How long can they take?” she mutters, annoyed. “I mean, you’ve been here almost an hour already.”

“I know. He should be in any minute.”

“What’s wrong with her, Cooper?” Her brows furrow as she strokes Kylie’s hair. “I’ve never seen her like this.”

I wish I knew. We stay silent, staring at the woman we love. We’re both anxious, and fear whirls around us, threatening to pull us under. The door opens again, and I swing my head around, thinking it’s the doctor. I meet eyes that ask if it’s okay to come in. I nod, and the door closes quietly behind Grayson.

“How’s she doing?” he asks, his voice low and compassionate.

“She’s okay,” I say. “Waiting on the physician to grace us with his presence.”

Grayson nods. My pulse spikes as I watch him closely. He looks at Cali, and she moves away, allowing him closer to Kylie. He leans over and places a soft kiss on her forehead. I watch his eyes close, and he shifts to whisper in her ear. My fists clench as I try to stay calm, reminding myself that he’s family and he knows he can’t have her. They’ve been apart for months. He’s just happy to see her.

Kylie stirs. “Gray,” she croaks, her voice rough from sleep.

“Hi, sweet cheeks.” He smiles and runs his fingers through her hair and across her cheek.

With his intimate touch, I feel my possessiveness swell. I try to contain it, but I can’t. I can’t stand here and watch him put his hands on her as if they’re old lovers. “That’s enough. Get your hands off her.”

Grayson startles and puts up his hands, stepping back from Kylie. I stare at him, relaying just what I think of him touching my wife. He nods, letting me know he gets it.

“Cooper,” Kylie chides. A worried frown plays on her face. “Not now, okay? Please?”

I move over to her and take her hand. I don’t want to make this situation any worse. Taking a deep breath, I try to relax. I smile a strained smile and lean toward her. “Okay, I’m sorry. I can’t help it.”

She smiles against my cheek and tilts her head to look at me. “I know.” Her eyes light up at my need for her.

She likes it. It’s such a satisfying feeling, knowing she likes being mine.

“Just chill for right now,” she says.

I nod and kiss her gently then look at Gray and Cali who are staring at us. I clear my throat, feeling like a jackass for getting so pissed. “Sorry.”

Grayson smiles slightly and shakes his head. “It’s good to see you two are doing so well.”

“We’re doing really well,” Kylie says, smiling at him.

They give each other another intimate look that sets my heart ablaze. It’s hard to forget that they know each other almost as well as Kylie and I do. They have a bond, a connection.

Gray clears his throat and swallows as he looks at us. “That’s great. It’s how it was supposed to be.” His voice is low and painful. He misses her. I can tell by the way his shoulders sag and his face tenses.

I look at Kylie, and she stares at him with a sad expression. I wish there was nothing between them. Standing in the same room with them is hard. It brings back all the anguish I’ve felt thinking about them together.

Cali breaks the awkward silence. “Anyone want anything while we wait?”

We all say no and sit, waiting for this asshole to show up. Just as I perch myself on the corner of Kylie’s bed, the door swings open. In strides a middle-aged man in a white coat, holding a clip board.

“Hey, folks. Sorry for the delay. We had an emergency we had to attend to.” He smiles.

We mutter hello to the doctor.

He looks at Gray and Cali. “I need to check on your friend. Why don’t you guys go wait in the waiting room, and I’ll send a nurse out to get you.”

“No, that’s okay,” Kylie says. “They’re basically family.”

I close my eyes, trying to keep my cool. She’s mine, and Grayson being here is just like old times. Let it go, Cooper. Let it the fuck go.

“Are you sure?” the doctor asks. “I have some news you may want privacy for.”

Kylie swallows, and my blood rushes frantically through my veins. Dread sets in, and I feel my throat closing.

“What’s going on?” I ask anxiously.

The doctor’s eyes land on Kylie. “You sure you don’t want your friends to leave? You might want a moment with your husband alone.”

“You’re scaring me,” Kylie whispers.

“No, don’t be scared.” He smiles. “Let me check you out real quick, and then we’ll go over your blood work.”

I move off the bed and give him room. The tension in the room is palpable. Gray’s foot taps, and Cali looks pale and sick. After a couple of extremely nervous minutes he moves over and looks at his clip board. I amble back over to Kylie and take her hand, wanting to be there to reassure her. My breathing becomes unsteady as my nerves move past my control. Fear streams through me as morbid thoughts whip through my head, haunting me.

The doctor looks up and smiles. “Well, you came in highly dehydrated. You definitely have a nasty virus.” He flips through her chart. “Your blood work shows something else is causing vomiting though. When a person gets dehydrated, the body responds by making an already sick person worse. It’ll intensify the nausea, so to speak. We’re giving you fluids, and that should help to reset your system. I’ll send you home with some anti-nausea meds. The good news is you’re dehydrated and have a nasty flu bug, but otherwise, you’re fine.” He clears his throat and looks at Kylie. “But I think the vomiting is going to stick around for some time because you’re pregnant. Your blood work shows that you’re around six weeks along.”

I blink rapidly. Unsure if I just heard what I did. Kylie gasps, and Cali whispers, “Oh my God.” Grayson stays completely still, his foot no longer tapping.

“I’m sorry, can you say that again?” I ask, my voice rife with disbelief.

The doctor raises a brow. “Your wife’s six weeks pregnant. She has a virus, but it’s been exasperated by the pregnancy, which is the cause for the excessive nausea. She’ll be fine. We just need to control the vomiting, rehydrate her, and wait for the virus to pass. Once that happens, we can get her some prenatal care.”

Kylie looks as though she’s about to throw up. Her eyes flip to mine, and fear flares in them. I’m so taken aback that I’m not sure what to think. I’m not sure if this is good news. Flashes of the horror we’ve been through speed through my mind like the frantic click of a camera flash. I don’t hear anything but the rushing in my ears. Everything around me closes in as I see my dead daughter in my arms.

“She can’t be pregnant. She’s on birth control,” I blurt, looking at Kylie. “Right?”

She takes a deep breath as tears drip down her cheeks, and she shakes her head.

“Right?” I whisper, desperately my eyes boring into hers.

Her throat moves up and down as she swallows. “No, I guess I wasn’t. I can’t remember, but I think my shot expired two months ago.”

“Kylie,” I exhale, dragging my hand over my face.

“Let’s give these two a minute,” the doctor says, breaking through our haze.

Cali comes over and smiles, touching Kylie’s cheek. “Everything’s going to be okay. This is good news.” She looks at me. “Relax, Cooper. Your girl’s giving you a baby. We’ll work through this.”

Grayson just shakes his head, looks at Kylie miserably, and shuffles out the door with Cali and the doctor. The only sounds in the room are the monitors and our heavy breathing. I sit on the edge of her bed and take her hand. My mind works frantically. It tries to find a way to push back the fear that’s suffocating me.

“Cooper,” she whispers.

I look at her feeling as though I can’t breathe. I know this is fucked up, but I’m don’t know if I’m ready to do this again. If something happened… I can’t. “Tell me you didn’t get pregnant on purpose.”

“No,” she clips out angrily. “I forgot. Things have been crazy. We’re building the new house, selling the others, moving, dealing with business, and in counseling. It’s been crazy, and I just forgot to schedule it. How dare you?” I see her face harden in pain.

I close my eyes and think. I made a vow.

For better or worse

For better or fucking worse

Those words sweep through me as I push down my sweltering panic. I’m scared to death, and it’s directing my actions. I can’t let it. I can’t screw this up. I can’t allow this to ruin us again. I’m overcome with remorse for my reaction. She’s already sick and vulnerable, and we’re having a baby.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I grab her face and rain tender kisses all over her. “I didn’t mean it. I shouldn’t have said that. Please forgive me.”

She curls her arms around my neck and buries her face into the crook of my shoulder. I feel her tears and hold her tight, embracing the woman I love with all that’s in me.

“It’s okay,” I croon. “We’ll get through this. We’ll be okay.” I don’t believe my own words, but I need to comfort her.

“I’m scared,” she cries.

My muscles tense at her anguish. “Me too.”

“Oh God, what if it happens again?”

I pull back and stare into her scared blue eyes. I will myself to be strong, to shove down the fear stroking its wicked fingers inside me and be the man she needs. This should be a happy moment for us, but our nightmare is still fresh and raw in our minds.

“It won’t.” Jesus, don’t let it happen again. “It’ll be okay. We’ll get tons of prenatal care. We’ll take this step by step and be extra vigilant. I swear I’ll take care of you. We will do everything in our power to keep our baby healthy.”

“Oh, God.” She closes her eyes, tears trickling out. “Is this happening? Are we having a baby?” Her chest puffs up and down with her scared sobs.

I don’t know what to say or how to react. This is so soon, it’s too soon. I know it, and she knows it. We’re just getting our feet under us. This could crush us. There is no way I’ll let anything take us down like it did before. I take a deep lungful of air and look at her, the woman who is carrying my child. I want to say something to give her hope, to bring that sparkle back to her eyes.

“Hey, we have each other.” I move my fingers under her chin. “It’s you and me until the end. We’ve walked through the fiery depths of hell, Kylie. Shit, I swear we’ve paved the streets of hell with our anguish. We’ve been at the lowest point we could’ve ever imagined, but we’re on our way back. I’ve got you. Do you trust me?”

She nods, and a peace settles inside me. Hope stirs in my heart. I really love her, and I want a redo. God, I want a fucking redo. This could be our chance.

“I love you,” I breathe. “Maybe this is our second chance. No matter what, I’ve got you today and every other day. We’ll make it through this.”

She nods as tears stream down her face. Her eyes shift from scared to hesitant as she absorbs my words. She puts her hand on my cheek, and her warmth penetrates my soul. We say nothing more as we share an intimate moment, one we both deserve. We deserve some peace and happiness.

“So, round two,” she whispers.

“Round two,” I whisper back, kissing her cheek.

“We haven’t been knocked out yet.” She smiles.

“Nah, we’ve been down, but I haven’t tapped out and neither have you. We still have fight left in us.”

“I hope I can give you this baby,” she admits.

“It’ll be okay,” I say, urgent to give her some hope.

She nods, letting out a breath. “Okay.”

“I’m going to take care of you.”

Her face softens, and her lips curl in a small smile. “I know you will.”

She’s so damn beautiful. Sick or not, she’s the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. She runs her fingers across my head, sending chills down my body. We stare into each other’s eyes and lean in at the same time. Our lips connect in a warm, closed-mouthed kiss. The moment I feel her softness, I close my eyes and savor the fact that we still have each other.

For the first time in a long time, I have a sense of peace. I don’t know what it is, but I feel something lingering around us, something almost spiritual. My moment of panic is soothed by hope. Where there’s hope, there’s the will to live and fight.

I think we might be getting our second chance.

Closing the door to our bedroom, I expel a deep breath. I drop my forehead against the wood and close my eyes, trying to relax for a minute. I just got Kylie settled after bringing her home from the hospital.

We’re having a baby… Holy shit, we’re having a baby.

I push myself off the door and head to the kitchen for a beer. I need something to take off the edge. Between her being sick, and the big news, I need to relax. As I make it into the kitchen, I hear a pounding on the front door.

I know who that is. I roll my neck, not looking forward to seeing him. I head over, each step feeling my muscles tighten. I grip the doorknob, take one last breath, and open it.

Grayson looks just as uncomfortable as I feel. We were brothers, but now we’re basically strangers. There’s so much tension and uncertainty between us, and I sure as fuck don’t want him near Kylie. I don’t like the way he approached her at the hospital, I don’t like the way he touched her, and I certainly don’t want him in my house.

His forehead creases with tension. “Hey.”

“Where’d you go?”

“I thought you guys needed a minute after the doctor came in,” he murmurs, running a hand through his black hair.

I nod and step aside. We can’t exactly have a conversation with him standing on my front porch. He steps in and his eyes widen when he sees the boxes.

“Sorry for the mess,” I say, walking toward the kitchen. “We’re in the process of packing up the lake house until our new home’s built.” I flick my gaze to his and notice his confused expression. “We’re building a new house on Mr. Patty’s old property. I sold the lake house, and we’re listing this one in a couple weeks.”

“Wow,” he mumbles, his voice low and hurt.

I feel my chest tighten at his response, and I go straight to the fridge. “You want a beer?” I ask, grabbing the stem of two green bottles.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Kylie’s sleeping,” I inform him in a hushed tone. “I just got her settled.”

He nods but doesn’t say anything, his eyes dancing around our home uncomfortably.

“So what’s up?” I ask. “It’s been a while.”

“Ahh, not much. Same old, same old. I wanted to talk to you guys about a couple things. I called Tim and took care of the paperwork,” he says as I place a beer in front of him.

“Thanks, bro, I really appreciate you doing that.”

He nods. “Yeah, of course. I, um… was hoping I could talk to both of you about this other thing.”

I tilt my head, studying him. He seems edgy. Very, very edgy. “What’s going on, Grayson?”

He swallows. “I’m moving to Colorado.”

My lips press into a straight line as I digest the news. I watch him closely and take a draw of my beer as he does the same. I’m not sure how to take that statement.

“Why?” I ask as my mind flips through possible reasons.

He swallows another sip of his beer. “I have business up there.”

“So is this temporary?”

“No, probably not,” he answers, sadness behind his words. “I sold the condo and shipped all my stuff up there. I’m leaving in a couple days.”

My face falls, and my shoulders turn tight. I clench my fist around the Heineken bottle. Is he running from us? I don’t want him around Kylie, but I don’t want him gone either. I’ve hoped this animosity between us wouldn’t last forever.

“Tell me the real reason you’re moving.”

He sets his beer on the counter and takes a seat on the barstool in front of him. He scrubs a hand over his face. “I need to get out of here for a while, take care of some things.”

“Is this because of Kylie? Or because you need to ‘take care of things’?”

“A little of both.”

He’s lying. I know him too well. This is about Kylie, and he’s trying to bullshit me. I feel the burn of anger stir inside me, wanting to know the truth. I’m so sick of all the miscommunication. I just want everything laid on the table. No more bullshit.

“I know you better than that,” I murmur.

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me the truth,” I demand. “You don’t have to candycoat shit for me.”

His eyes flare, and I see his walls crumble. “You want the truth?”

I nod.

“I need to get away from here. From her and from you. I need a fresh start. You’re moving, starting new. I need the same damn thing. I need to figure out what I’m doing with my life. I need to settle down and recharge, and I can’t do it here. Not with you and her flaunting your happy lives. It’s—” He holds up a hand to silence me as I try to cut in.

We’re not flaunting shit in his face. I don’t know where he gets that. I frown, hating this conversation.

“It’s fucked up, Cooper. I know she’s yours. I know she’s always been yours. I get it, and I’m not arguing it. But you asked for the truth, right? The flat truth, Cooper.” His voice drops to a haunted level. “I want her. Every moment of the day, I think about her. For some demented reason, I feel like I need her. She’s all around me, and every day, my feelings get stronger. Seeing her at the ER today was more than I can take. I need out. I need space. Trust me, I’m getting out of here for the sake of all of us.”

My shoulders tense as I set down my beer. This is worse than I expected. “Jesus Christ, Grayson.”

“I know. I know it’s fucked up. This isn’t me,” he admits, his eyes closing.

The way he’s holding himself up hurts me. We’re all suffering. All of us. Kylie and I are doing well, but it’s hasn’t been easy. We’re taking it day by day, and Gray is dealing with the aftermath of all the shit we put him through. He didn’t cause this; I did.

“I don’t know what to say to you,” I say, my voice quiet but intense. “Part of me wants to beat your ass, but the other gets it and wants to beat my own ass for causing this.”

He laughs. He knows it’s screwed up. “What’s happened to all of us?”

I pick up my beer, finish it off, and turn to the fridge for another for each of us. I run a hand through my hair, feeling guilt for involving him like I did. “You got pulled into something bigger than Kylie and I could deal with. You were the closest person to us, and I put you in the middle. I don’t know what else to say to you. Sorry will never be good enough, but I hope over time we can move on. Right now though… I hate to say this, but I don’t want you around her.”

“Why?” Hurt laces his voice. “You don’t trust me?”

“How can I?” I ask, anger flaring that he’s questioning me. “You want her. You love her. Ask yourself what kind of a dumbass I would be if let you keep up a friendship with her when you’re in love with her.” I wince at the thought of him around her. “It can’t happen.”

“I’ve had a friendship with her, and I didn’t touch her. I still have a friendship with her. The fact that Kylie and I aren’t communicating right now doesn’t change anything.”

“Come on, Gray. I can’t take any more chances with my wife. You have to understand that,” I say, looking at him for understanding. He gives me no response, his eyes blank and I feel my protective streak flare. “I’m not trying to be an asshole. I know you’ve done a lot for her, but you’re forgetting something. She’s mine, and she’s having my kid. I’m not letting you near her.”

His face peaks in a painful wince, his chest taking two labored breathes. He drags a palm across his jaw, averting his eyes from mine. He’s battling with himself. I know him well, and this is killing him.

“Do you see why I need space right now?” he asks. “Do you even realize how fucked up this conversation is, Cooper?”

“Yeah,” I mutter, picking at the label of my beer bottle. “Trust me, I get it. As hard as it is to accept that you’re going, and as much as I miss my best friend, I’m good with it. I need to protect my marriage.”

I ache when I think of him leaving. We’ve been together since we were kids. The last two years I’ve alienated myself from him, and it’s created a huge crevice in our friendship.

“I hate that things are so messed up between us. Maybe one day we can get over this and move on,” he says.

“Maybe, but do me a favor.” My lips turn up in a grin as I try to lighten the situation. “Bring your own girl with you when you come back.” I take a swig of my drink.

His mouth dances in amusement, and he snickers. “Fuck you.”

“Yeah, you too, bud.” I laugh, knowing I’m going to miss him. No matter what, he was there for Kylie when I wasn’t. Without him, who knows where we’d be.

“I’m gonna miss you guys,” he whispers, his eyes dropping to his hands. “The last four months have been brutal.”

The moment sobers us both. Our friendship might be over. A lifetime of friendship destroyed over two intense, destructive years.

“I don’t want this to last forever, Grayson. Despite all this shit, I’m thankful she had someone there for her.”

He glances at me and nods. We’re at an impasse, and we both know it. We all need time apart. Our faces wear the same mask of pain. We’re all struggling with how things have turned out.

“I don’t regret being there for her,” he whispers. “I want to see her happy. I want to see her alive and living the way she deserves. She’s important to me, Cooper. I hope you’re fixing your shit and doing right by her.”

“Don’t you worry about us,” I say defensively. “I can take care of my girl without any advice from you. I know I fucked up. I’ve got my shit together.”

“Well, it’s about damn time,” he mumbles, bringing his drink to his mouth.

“I’m gonna ignore that,” I reply. “So when are you leaving?”

“I fly out in three days.”

“Three days?” My brows rise. I feel everything in me bristle. “If I hadn’t called today, would you have even bothered to tell us?”

His face is blank, telling me more than he wants me to know.

“Nice.” I grimace, feeling as if he’s struck me. I scrub a hand over my face. “That’s fucked up, Gray.”

“Give me a break. It’s not easy to talk to you guys. I didn’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, I get that, but to move out of state without a word?” I shake my head and walk over to the trash can to discard our empty bottles. Once I toss them, I grab another beer. “Jesus, we’re still family. You don’t owe us a thing, but shit, Grayson, I still care about you. You taking off without a word—”

“What?” I hear the faint whisper of a sinfully sweet voice rap through the air, making my heart pound. We both turn to see Kylie, her eyes filling with tears, her posture stiff, and her fists clenched. Everything in me burns at the look of distress on her face.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

“Hey, baby,” I coo, placing my beer down and heading toward her. “What are you doing up?”

She ignores me and walks to Gray. Her eyes flash with pain and betrayal. “Answer me,” she demands. “Where are you going?”

Gray twists to face her and takes a deep breath. “I’m heading out of town for a while.”

“Where to?”

I tense, my insides constricting as I take in their proximity.

“Colorado,” he answers, skipping his eyes to mine and back to her.

“Why?”

“Work.”

“Bullshit,” she breathes, calling him out.

I stand like a bystander watching a train wreck. My pulse thrums as I try to hold myself back. They haven’t had closure. I haven’t allowed it, and Kylie’s respected that. Maybe this is what they need to end this thing between them. I’m trying to stand in the shadows and let Gray say what he needs to. Kylie loves him, and as much as I hate, loathe, and despise that, I know it’s not the same love she has for me. But I haven’t accepted it.

“It’s time to move on,” he whispers, sorrow bleeding through his words.

“Because of me?” she asks quietly.

“Partly,” he admits, sending my senses barreling. I strain to keep myself back.

“I don’t want you to go. I’ve missed you,” she whispers.

I can’t contain the low rumble that spills from my throat. I feel my tolerance slipping. Gray’s eyes flick to mine, his forehead creasing in worry. I watch him swallow and redirect his attention to her.

He smiles softly at her. “I’ve missed you too, sweet cheeks.”

“Please don’t leave. We can work all this out.”

“Kylie,” I whisper, unable to stop myself. I know this is hard for her, but I don’t want this getting out of control.

She jerks her head to mine and looks at me for the first time since entering the room. “Cooper, please tell him.” Her tear-filled eyes widen. “Please tell him we can get past this. There’s no need for him to leave. He’s part of our family. It’s been months since we’ve seen him, and things are better between us. I love you, you know that. Please tell him he doesn’t need to leave.”

My heart breaks at the determination in her voice. She really doesn’t understand that Grayson is all-out in love with her. She knows he has feelings for her, but she doesn’t understand the intensity of them. She’s in denial and has been for a while.

“Kylie,” Gray says, pulling her attention back to him. “I need to do this.”

Her face falls as tears drip down her cheeks. “Why? I know it’s been hard. God, I hurt you, but I didn’t mean to. We need you. I need you. I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you. I’m sorry I never responded to your texts. I hated cutting you off, but I had to do it. I just needed to focus on Cooper and our marriage. I never wanted to push you away and make you feel like we didn’t love you. You’re important to us. To me.”

My body trembles as I work hard to rein myself in. I don’t like her upset like this. I hate her this close to him. I hate everything about this.

Grayson’s face pulls tight, his blue eyes bathed in distress as he battles to keep himself in check as well. “I need this.”

“No, you don’t,” she counters, her voice achingly soft. “We never meant to hurt you. Gray, we love you. Things were rough, I know they were, but we’re getting it together. We can all recover from this. Even you.” She lays her palm on his cheek, and my heart surges in rapid spurts.

“Kylie,” he whispers as his eyes close.

“Kylie!” My voice is sharp and vibrates through the room, commanding her attention. As soon as it’s out, I know it’s too rough, but I can’t take any more.

She drops her hand, turning to me. “Cooper, please. Please, please tell him he doesn’t have to leave because of us. We can’t go out like this. It can’t happen.”

“Stop,” I urge, fighting to stay calm.

“Cooper, please,” she pleads, desperation dripping from her entire body.

“Kylie,” I repeat, my voice rising slightly in frustration. “You have to listen to him. I know this is hard on you, but he needs to do what’s right for him. That may not be what you want or what we think is right, but he needs this, and you need to stop putting him in the middle.”

Her spine stiffens, and she twists to look at Gray. I release a breath, holding still.

“Just listen, okay?” he says delicately. “I need to get my head right. I have to figure some stuff out, and I need space to do it.” As she sobs, Gray’s eyes travel quickly to mine. He blinks twice, and the next thing I know, she’s wrapped securely in his arms. Possessiveness surges inside me as he strokes her hair. “You’ve done nothing wrong, sweet cheeks. You haven’t chased me away. You could never, ever do that.” He pulls back and looks into her eyes. “You don’t understand.”

“Yes, I do,” she says.

“No, you don’t,” he whispers.

My throat tightens in pain. I have a feeling I know where this conversation is headed, and I don’t like it.

“Then make me understand,” she says, wiping her cheeks.

“I love you, Kylie.”

My gut churns. He’s telling her that in my home… I can’t breathe…

“I love you too,” she replies.

Jesus Christ…

“No.” He shakes his head. “I’m in love with you.”

“Grayson…” she breathes, her face pinching in pain.

I’m about to lose my fucking mind. The whirlwind inside me churns into a tornado.

“You don’t get it,” he says. “It’s killing me. The way I feel for you is strong, Ky.”

I let out a breath, needing to hear her response. She can’t discount his feelings now, and this conversation has one minute left before I kick this asshole out of my house.

She stills, staring at him. “You think you love me, but you don’t, Gray. You’re confusing your feelings for me with love. You’ve taken care of me at my lowest and you do love me, but you can’t love me in that way. The lines are blurred in your head. You’re confused. Don’t let this chase you away from us. You can work through those feelings. Please just take time and think about what you’re saying.”

“I’m sorry, Kylie. I can’t right now.” Gray runs a hand jaggedly through his hair. “I need to do what’s right for us. You and me, we need space. The way I feel is real, Ky. It’s not in my head. I feel it in my bones. I want you so bad I can taste you, smell you even when you’re not with me. I can’t escape it. I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t know why you don’t want to accept it, but I can’t fight these feelings. Leaving is the only way to protect you.”

“That’s enough,” I say, my tone fierce and lethal. My hands tremble in anger at the way he said that to her. It might be true, but that ass forgets he’s in my home in front of my wife. He’s done.

He steps back from her, his face glimmering with remorse. Kylie looks shattered, and my heart aches for her. She’s in the middle. I thought we’d made good progress, but this is too much. Her blue eyes meet mine, and her face scrunches up in pain as she rushes to me. I pull her into my arms and grip her tightly, my heart raging in anger. Gray’s going to get it as soon as I can clear her from the room. I stroke her back.

“I should go,” he mumbles.

“No,” she says, turning toward him. “God, don’t leave like this. Not with all this animosity. Please.”

“There’s nothing more for us to say,” he exhales.

Her face drops as she reaches for my hand. I grip it tightly as she struggles to go on. “I’m sorry, Grayson. I didn’t mean to lead you on. I knew that you liked me, were attracted to me, and I thought that maybe your feelings were deeper than they should be, but I never thought it was something on this level. You were my best friend. You knew how things were with Cooper. I tried to make that clear. He’s my life, my everything. I thought you understood that. I’m sorry if I led you on or made you think that there could be anything more between us. I never meant to do that.”

“No, you didn’t lead me on,” he says, his eyes locked on hers. “I did that all by myself.”

Her face is filled with remorse. “Are you going to come back?”

“Eventually,” he answers, glancing at me for a second.

My face pulls in a scowl. What the fuck was that look for?

“What if I need you?” she asks, slicing my heart open.

We’re still building trust, and this shows just how shaky our relationship is.

“Just call.”

“She won’t need you,” I say, unable to take another minute of this situation.

Kylie looks at me and shakes her head. “Get a grip. He needs us too. It’s more than you and me.”

I try to listen, but at this point, I don’t care. We need space from him.

She shifts her attention to him. “Will you come visit once the baby’s here?”

I see his face fill with anguish. His shoulders tremble as his eyes flash with a decision. He wants out.

“No.” His voice is resigned with an eerie numbness to it.

“Grayson, we’re family,” she reminds him.

I feel my sanity split. “Damn it, Kylie, look at me.” She does, and I continue, no longer okay with this. Consider this closure because that’s all she’s getting. “Stop this right now. He needs time, and clearly we all do, too. You’re acting like you have feelings for him. This is the exact reason he needs to get out of here. Please, stop.”

Her eyes search mine. My heart thumps like a maniac, hoping she gets it. She turns to Gray and nods.

“Focus on the baby,” he says. “Focus on your marriage. Don’t worry about me.”

“I’ll always worry about you,” she whispers. “I don’t want you gone forever, Gray. I understand you need time. I’m sorry. I hate hurting you, but you know I don’t feel that way for you. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we do need space. I… I miss you, our friendship. But I get it. Please remember that we’re always here for you. Always.”

He nods.

She turns to me, her eyes swirling with remorse. “I’m sorry, Cooper.” She leans in and gives me a quick kiss.

I grip her waist, pulling her closer, and breathe her in. I hear a sob lurch from her chest and bury my face in her hair. “I’ll take care of you, baby,” I whisper, my love fiercely displayed as I surround her.

She nods against me and pulls back. I dry her tears with the pad of my thumbs. Her eyes close as she lets out a deep breath and turns to leave. A moment later, the closing of the bedroom door echoes through the room.

“That went well,” I mock, anger pulsing off me in waves.

“I’m the middle man here,” he breathes, his face contorting in rage. His eyes take on a cold and calculated glint. He’s about to explode, and I’m about to go down with him. “That’s what I’ve been this whole goddamn time, haven’t I? The stupid middle man between you and Kylie, and look where it’s gotten me.”

“I can’t undo what’s been done,” I say, gritting my teeth. “But that”—I point toward the bedroom—“that was too much. She knows you love her. You’re crossing lines, and this time you came into my fucking home and did it!”

“Yeah, well, what the fuck am I supposed to say to her?” he yells, his fists curling tight.

“I don’t know! But spouting your undying love for her is fucked up. I’m standing right here, and you’re telling my woman you love her. No more of this bullshit. You are done with her,” I say, my tone final.

“Don’t tell me when I’m done with her,” he responds, his face turning red.

“You’re talking about my fucking wife!” I spit.

“I know she’s yours. You don’t have to keep reminding me.”

“You seem to be forgetting.”

“Fuck you! I could have reacted a whole different way to you coming back for her. I shouldn’t have come here,” he says.

“No, coming over here wasn’t the problem. I don’t know what you’ve constructed in that head of yours. Honestly, I didn’t realize how bad you had it for her until today, but it’s not happening,” I say, my entire body transforming and taking on a fiercely determined stance. “I’m drawing up some boundaries. I’m not ungrateful, Grayson. I know what I did wrong. I know you picked up my job, and I’m so fucking sorry you had too. But you’re right. You need to get your shit together and stay away from her.”

“I can’t just turn off my feelings, Cooper. I’m like not you.”

He hits low.

“Nice, really fucking nice,” I yell, surging toward him, putting my face right in his. “Let me fill you in on what’s happening. I don’t like this situation any more than you do, but I’m not letting you do this to me or my wife. Whatever you came here to do, it’s done. This conversation’s done.”

“Watch it,” he warns, his eyes boring into mine. He lets out a breath and steps back. “Coming here was a mistake.”

“No,” I say, my voice dropping to a clear level of warning. “You telling my wife that you love her while you’re under my roof was your mistake. You can’t do that anymore. Things are different. We’re working hard to fix our marriage, and I won’t allow you to unravel all the progress we’ve made.”

His eyes light as he steps toward me, his nose almost touching mine. “I’m warning you,” he whispers, viciously “screw up, and I’ll come back and take her, pregnant and all.”

I swallow hard, my body pulsing with pure rage. My face turns hot as I try to restrain myself from killing him. “Get out. Get out of my fucking house.” I stare into his disconnected eyes, seeing nothing but the remains of an incinerated friendship.

He steps back and turns to leave, his body shaking. His eyes shifts to where Kylie’s hidden and I see his head drop in defeat. My fist clench ready to do what I need to, to keep him from her. He shakes himself, lets out a ragged breath, and heads to the door. When he gets there, he turns back to look at me. I glare at him, not breaking eye contact.

I’ve past every one of my limits.

He meets my glare with an angry smirk, and then he’s gone. The door slams behind him.

I exhale a labored breath and unclench my fists. My eyes close as I try to come to terms with what just happened.

He’s gone… Twenty-four years of friendship over…

My composure slips, the anger ebbs, and the reality of where we are becomes all too real. I walk into the kitchen, glancing at his drink, and feel my chest clench. Fuck… I brace my hands on the counter, taking a moment to calm down. After several minutes, I hear her gentle footsteps coming down the hallway.

“Cooper.”

I turn toward the soft voice and gaze into sad eyes. We stare at each other. I swallow down my emotions and offer her a weak smile. She trembles, her face troubled. I hold my arms open, and she runs toward me and wraps her body around mine. I hoist her legs around my waist as her arms thread around my neck.

She buries her face in the hollow of my collar bone. I hold her flush, tightly against me and rock her.

We’re still dealing with the consequences of our actions. The people you drag down with you never go away. You have to pay a penance for your sins.

We’re paying ours.

“Are you okay?”

“Been better,” I answer.

She pulls back to look at me. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I whisper.

“He’s gone.”

I nod. “It’s better for right now.”

Her lips tremble, and she swallows. “Yeah, I think so.”

“He’s gonna be okay. Gray’s a fighter.”

“I hate that I hurt him,” she murmurs.

I close my eyes, letting out a guilty breath. “We both hurt him, baby.”

“I led him on. I’m sorry. I was attracted to him, Cooper, and I led him on.”

I feel as if she’s punched me. She wanted him. Shit, she might have fucked him if I hadn’t got myself together.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“It’s done,” I say, not caring about any of that anymore. I just want us. That’s it. “We need to put this behind us.”

“How?”

“I don’t know,” I answer. “But we need to.”

She closes her eyes, takes a breath, and opens them. “Will he be alright?”

“Hopefully time will fix it.” I grip her tighter, my fingers pushing into her soft flesh.

“Hopefully,” she whispers.

“Everything’s going to be all right,” I murmur.

She nods as I bring my lips to hers, reminding her she’s mine. She drags her hands into my hair.

I pull back after a minute. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, a little sick, but the meds are helping.” She drags a finger across my jaw.

“Good.” I feel sparks ignite along the trail her fingers run. “I want to remind you of something.” I walk toward the bedroom with her in my arms.

“Of what?”

I stare into her eyes and say simply. “Me.”

Her face softens as I carry her into the bedroom to remind her of all the reasons she was made for me. Not Gray, Nate, or whatever other piece of shit has touched her. She’s mine, and I will protect her at all costs.

They say time heals all wounds. Well, I pray to God they heal ours and Gray’s.

Five months later…

“I’m not sure I can do this.” My voice breaks, and tremors course through my body as I battle to keep my breaths even and steady. “I’m sorry, Cooper. I don’t think I can.”

He rounds the car toward me, his face concerned but confident. “Just give yourself some time. We just got here. It’s okay, you can do this.”

My body sags, everything becoming heavy and defeated. I tuck my chin into my chest. Nothing here can bring me peace or help me move on. This is a setback waiting to happen. “I don’t feel good.” I splay my hands around my enlarged belly, feeling the baby move below my fingertips.

He grabs me gently and brings my back flush against his chest. “Baby, this will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done, but you can do it. I’m right here, and I’ll do everything I can to make this easier on you. I know you feel like it’s more than you can handle, but you can. It’s time, sweet girl. It’s time to tell her good-bye and make peace.”

His words run through me and tug at my heart. I know he’s right. How much longer can I go without confronting this, without talking to my precious baby girl? It’s just so hard. This is too painful. Being here is the worst form of torture a mother could endure. I know my daughter’s buried here, and the thought that she’s close but so far breaks me. I can’t touch her or see her. It’s a nightmare.

“What if I can’t?” I whisper. “What if I just can’t do it?”

“If you can’t, we’ll try again another day.” His voice is deep and soothing. He holds me tightly, giving me the time I need. His hands glide back and forth around my belly. “Just give yourself time. We’re not in a rush.”

I lean back against him and close my eyes, trying to calm my nerves. I think back to the day I held Kayla. I think of the way she felt, the way she smelled, the warmth she emitted when she was first placed in my arms. I picture her eyelashes, her little nose. When will I be able to accept what happened? Will I ever be at peace with how things turned out?

I close my eyes and lift my head, letting the warmth of the overcast day soothe me. I need to dig deep and find some strength for my baby. I owe her this. What kind of mother have I been? Since the day she was taken from my arms, I have never, not once, been to see her. I have never been here to talk to her. I abandoned her. I need to tell her I love her and that I’m sorry.

I take a long, deep breath and force my eyes open. They hit the trees and clouds that litter the sky. The gray and black swirling tint to the heavy rain clouds mimic my mood. A dark, smothering fog of sadness hovers over me. When my eyes move from the sky to the ground, I know this will be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but Cooper’s right. It’s time. Ready or not, I need to make peace with my baby.

“I don’t know if I’m ready, but let’s go. I need to see her.” My voice is quiet and shaky. My breathing becomes erratic as his jaw nods against my cheek.

“I’m proud of you,” he whispers, threading his fingers through mine. He shifts me to face him and gives me a soft kiss on my forehead. “We’ll take this slow. If you feel like it’s too much, we can come back.”

I stare into his eyes and see my tender-hearted lover, a man who’s been to hell and back for me. Having him here means the world. “I can do it.”

He gives me a weak smile and squeezes my hand, nodding for us to walk. I feel sick as we move, hand in hand, toward our daughter’s grave. I feel haunted and devastated the closer we come to her rest spot. This has followed me, taunted and beaten me for years. With our feet crunching on the gravel path, my body seizes. I grip Cooper’s hand tighter. He pulls me into his side, sliding his arm around my waist. The air is dense and humid, almost suffocating. Pain blooms and swells in my chest, and I fight against it with everything in me.

The urge to run is present. It’s real. It’s almost uncontrollable.

When we near the grave, my body feels as though it’s shutting down. My eyes want to close to protect themselves. Our pace slows, and we finally stop in front of her headstone. Cooper moves his arm from my waist to my hand. He gives it a firm squeeze, reminding me that he’s here.

I stare at the gray stone surrounded by white lilies and roses. I can’t stop the sudden trembling that shoots through my bones and the coldness that penetrates my body. With my free hand splayed across my abdomen, I feel as if I’m dying. My wounds open, and my heart bleeds for my daughter. I cover my mouth, but I can’t stop the sob that pours out. My legs give out, and I sink to the grass.

I can’t breathe as I look at the words engraved on the headstone. It hits me in full clarity that Cooper had to come here all by himself while she was laid to rest. Bile burns my throat as I glide my fingers along the words he chose. I want to curl up and die when I think of his devastation after our baby was buried. Guilt surges through me as I read…

Our little Princess

You will be forever loved and never, ever forgotten.

I bury my face in my hands and weep as the weight of where I am, what we’ve lost, and what I’ve done bears down on me. Cooper sinks down next to me, his arms wrapping protectively around me. I weep so hard that I swear I can be heard all the way in heaven and hell. My body throbs with yearning and remorse so profound, I feel it in every ounce of my frame. My bones hurt and my muscles constrict, making me grip my belly in fear for my unborn child. I want to go back and do things differently. God, I want a chance to bring her back. I’m desperate, but there’s absolutely nothing I can do. I have to find a way to accept this.

The problem is my wounds aren’t healing. They’re open and buried inside me. They’re infected and ooze with sorrow and something worse… something more profound… guilt.

Guilt is tearing me apart. I let Cooper down, I let myself down, and worse than that, I let my child down. How do I forgive myself for that? I need to let her go, my spirit has to set her free and my heart needs to purge her death. After I do that, can I live with the reality that I let down everyone I love? I can’t stop my tears. I cry with everything in me, letting out all the dark thoughts and painful emotions that live inside me.

After a while, Cooper tries to console me. “Shh… It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” He rubs my back, trying to love me through this. “It’s okay, sweet girl. Let your tears come. Shh…” I cry harder, feeling like I don’t deserve his touch, love and tenderness. “You want to know something my grandma used to say?”

I know he’s struggling, and I want to soothe him too, but I feel broken. I pull my tear filled face up to his and my heart explodes. I feel wretched at the look of absolute agony on his face. He feels every ounce of my hurt. I lay my hand on his cheek, needing to feel him. I stroke his face tenderly, hoping my touch might bring him some kind of comfort.

“Tell me,” I say, desperate for something to give us hope.

He pulls in a deep breath and swallows thickly. “She used to say…” His eyes close as he forces his shoulders to relax. “God, she used to say that tears were like rain for the soul. That God gave them to us to help us cleanse the hurt and wash the heart, to renew it and restore it. She said that it was the only way to purge heartache from our bodies.”

I feel my heart stutter. “I love you, Cooper. Will it ever stop hurting like this?” I whisper, after a couple minutes of catching my breath.

He cups my face in his palms and drags the pads of his thumbs under my eyes. The way he looks at me makes my heart beat in spurts. His eyes hold so much love, so much honesty that I warm from his touch. No matter what he tells me, Cooper brings me peace. A little seed of healing sprouts inside me.

He shakes his head, his mouth turning down at the sides. “I don’t think so. I don’t think the pain ever goes away, but I think we can learn to manage and live with it. We have each other, and we’ll get through this. We’ll learn to handle the pain together.”

What he says makes sense. I’m going to have to learn to deal with the pain, to accept the things I can’t change, and work hard on the things I can.

I nod, knowing what I need to do next. After a few deep breaths, I pull away and reach into the back pocket of my maternity pants. My hand glides against the paper that’s wedged below me. I pull out gently. I stare at the letter feeling somewhat at peace with what I’m about to do. This has been a long time coming, and I have so much I need to say to my baby. I open it with my shaky hands and glance at Cooper. “I need to read this to her.” I notice how calm my voice is. I feel an unraveling in my spirit, something urging me to let it out.

“What is it?” His eyes move from mine to the paper in my hands.

“A letter. I wrote her a letter.”

“Oh.” He lets out a breath, his eyes narrow slightly, and his brow furrows. “I think that’s good. Really good, Ky.”

I smile weakly and turn to the open page. I sit silently, trying to think of how to explain myself. Is what I’ve written good enough for her? I feel myself retreating when Cooper places his hands on my shoulders.

He smiles softly and nods in the direction of the paper. “Read it, Kylie. It doesn’t matter what it says. So long as it’s from the heart, she’ll love it.”

I stare at him, taking in his words, and I shake my head. I look back to the paper, take a deep breath, and find the courage to begin. “Kayla. My sweet… sweet baby Kayla. Where do I start?”

I look at Cooper, needing reassurance. My chin wobbles, and tears drip down my cheeks. He looks at me lovingly and urges me on with a small tip of his head and the stroke of his fingers on my cheek.

“I guess at the beginning,” I continue, my throat tight and sore, “your daddy and I fell madly in love. The moment we said ‘I do,’ we wanted to start a family. We couldn’t wait to have someone to call our own.” I close my eyes, trying to picture her sitting in front of me. “You were very important to us, Kayla. You were craved, needed, and loved before you even existed.” I open my eyes, my face falling in pain. “When we found out we were pregnant with you, the world tipped on its axis and righted itself for the first time in my life. You were a dream come true. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was a family of my own, and you were the key to that. I wanted to make a family with your daddy. And I knew that once we did, I would work hard to keep it going, to nurture it. I wanted to make you my life. You were and still are everything to me.” I swallow as my throat burns from tears. “I just… God, I just want you to know that I dream of you every night, I breathe you, I feel you around me. You’re in everything I see and everything I hear. You’re the sun in my darkened sky. The light in what’s left of my empty soul.”

Cooper surrounds me, picking me up and setting me in his lap. His embrace is firm as I cry, nestling into his neck. “I’m proud of you,” he whispers into my hair, caressing my back. “I love you, baby. I love you so much.”

I nuzzle deeper into him and take a minute to calm down. After a bit, I pull back. “I need to finish.”

He nods again, and I look back at the note. I take in a big lungful of air. “There are times at night when I’m laying by myself thinking about you that I swear I can smell you. You were special, baby girl. There was something about you that stood out amongst the rest. I really wanted to give you the world. The short time that I was blessed to have you wasn’t enough. I’m desperate to be your mother, and I don’t think that need will ever fade.”

I drop the paper, my chest aching. I take the palm of my hand and rub rough circles into the area right by my heart. I feel Cooper’s eyes on me as a surge of pain rips through me. I know he can sense my desperate yearning to have her back. My body shakes and my head pounds with grief as I stare at him. “I’m so sorry, Kayla. I’m so sorry that my body didn’t take care of you the way you needed it to. I’m so sorry that I let you down, that I betrayed you, that something inside me wasn’t enough to keep you healthy. I would do anything to see you grow up into the beautiful woman you were supposed to be. I’m sorry you’ll miss everything life has to offer and you’ll never experience the sweet taste of growing up.”

I close my eyes. Guilt pours out of me like raindrops from a cloud. I don’t stop. I need to finish, I need to release all my thoughts to her. “Even with all the regret and guilt, I’ll never be sorry for the time I got to spend with you. Those few hours are something I’ll hold in my heart forever. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t replay what it felt like to hold you. Not a day that my memory doesn’t relive the way your skin felt or the way you smelled. I’ll never be able to tell you good-bye because in my heart, you’re alive. My soul can’t let you go. It doesn’t know how to. I’ve disappointed you at every turn, baby girl, and I wish with everything in me I could go back and undo things. Just know that I love you. I love you with all that I am and all that I could be. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. There’s so much we missed, so much that will haunt me. Please, know that I would give my life for you.”

I sag against Cooper and lay my head on his shoulder. What I said was not nearly enough. There are no words for how I feel, but I pray that somewhere out there, my daughter can see inside my heart and know how sorry I am and that I would do and give anything for her. I try to take some kind of solace in thinking that she’s in a better place. I force myself to think that. If I don’t, I’ll go insane.

“Hey,” Cooper whispers, trying to get my attention.

I pull back and look at him, my body slumped and defeated.

“What you said was beautiful, baby,” he says.

I give him a weak smile, not really feeling it, and wipe my hand across my cheek. “I miss her. I miss her so badly. I wish I could do something, but she’s gone.” I turn my head and look at her tombstone.

“She’s not gone,” he says, his voice delicate and reassuring. “She’ll always be a part of who we are. You were the best mother to her while we were blessed to have her. You know that, right? You did a good job taking care of her. There was nothing you could’ve done differently. Not one thing.”

I wince. “I should have known something was wrong. I should have felt her distress.”

“How? There’s no way you could’ve known. It was out of your hands.”

“I hate that,” I admit, tipping my head down. “I hate that she died inside of me and I didn’t know. What kind of person does that make me?”

“It has no impact on who you are and what kind of mother you were and are going to be.”

I look at him and watch his eyes drop to my pregnant belly.

He places a gentle hand over our baby and smiles. “Our second chance is right here. Do you hear me? This is our second chance. You did everything you could for Kayla.”

“I’m so scared,” I whisper, my throat tightening as fear steamrolls through me. “What if it happens again?”

“Stop,” he says, his eyes flaring. “We’re both scared, but I have faith. Don’t you think Kayla’s watching over us?”

“I don’t know. I hope so.” I move my eyes to the sky.

“No, baby, no hoping.” He grabs my hand, urging my gaze back to his. “I know so. I can feel her, Kylie. I can feel her around us.”

He’s so passionate, so confident. I love him deeply, and I feel as though I owe him another apology. He had to lay her to rest all by himself.

“I’m so sorry, Cooper. I’m sorry you had to do this by yourself. That you had to come out here by yourself.”

He sighs as he tips his head back and closes his eyes. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “It was hard. I wanted you here so badly so we could hold each other through it. I should have been a better husband. I should have delayed the funeral until you were ready.” He looks at me, his eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry I didn’t support you the way I should have.”

I nod and look at the clouds that are clearing. “Why do you think he took her from us?” The question slips past my lips before I can stop it. I often wonder why God stole her from us before we even had a minute with her.

“I don’t think he took her from us,” he says.

I turn to look at him, not sure I just heard what I think I did. “What?”

“I don’t think he took her from us. I’ve… I’ve spent so much time thinking about why we didn’t get to watch Kayla grow up, what we did or didn’t do to earn this sick twist of fate, and I come back to one thing.” I search his face as he opens his eyes and looks at me. “I think she was sent to us for a reason, and her life was meant to be short.”

I flinch as if he’s hit me. How could her life have been meant to be short? I refuse to accept that. She was my child, and she deserved a full life. She was cheated. She didn’t even get to take a breath. My body burns with anger.

“Wait,” he whispers, grabbing my face. “Give me a chance to explain. I love you and I love her with everything in me, Kylie. Just listen.”

I bite my lip, drawing blood, and nod for him to continue, using everything in me to suppress my anger at his words.

“Sometimes, God puts people or situations in our lives for a reason,” he says. “I truly believe that. I think we all go through struggles or heartaches because there are lessons in them. Sometimes those heartaches change lives. Most of the time we don’t understand the whys behind them. Why me? Why her? Why us? It leaves us angry and hurt. Losing Kayla killed me, Kylie. It was the worst experience of my life. I felt like I died when I took her out of your arms. I hated myself for not being able to fix it, but these last months, being with you and watching your belly grow, feeling that new life inside you, have helped me find some peace. I don’t know why her time was short. I have to believe there was a reason behind it. That God had a reason and purpose for taking her from us.”

“And what? What could possibly be the reason, Cooper?” My voice is high as I scramble off his lap to stand. I don’t want to accept that she was only meant to be here a short time. I need someone or something to blame.

“I think she was meant to teach us about love. I feel like she’s taught us that real love pulls through in the toughest times. It doesn’t give up. It heals wounds. I think we thought our relationship was perfect before Kayla. We had no clue what a hardship was. We didn’t love each other the way we were supposed to. We were selfish, self-involved, and maybe, just maybe, Kayla’s purpose was to teach us unconditional love. Maybe she was sent to grow us up and open our eyes. I don’t know, but through her death, I’ve learned so much and so have you.”

My body trembles as his words rip through me. They cause me pain, but they also wrap around my heart. Maybe she did serve her purpose. Maybe she taught us what she was supposed to and then flew to heaven like the angel she is. I’ll never know. “What has her death taught me, Cooper?” Tears stain my cheeks as he walks over to me. I need him to tell me something that gives me peace.

I need to make sense of this in my head.

“We’ve both learned that love is not perfect.” He puts his hands around my waist and pulls me as close to him as my pregnant belly will allow. “It doesn’t come in pretty packages. Sometimes it dents and bruises and does things it regrets, but it also forgives, shows mercy, and supports. It soothes and fights to the death. We lost her, but we’ll always carry her in our hearts. She hasn’t left us, baby. She came and went, and in the process, she left her permanent mark. Our love for her is unconditional; it’s pure and flawless. In the short amount of time, we were blessed to have her, we experienced a perfect love.”

“I want her life to have purpose. I want her to have had a chance,” I whisper.

“Her life did have purpose. She is more than her death, Kylie. She is more than this.” He gestures around us. “This is not our Kayla. She’s here, but she’s not. She’s our little girl, and she was given to us for a reason. We have to find and accept that reason. We have to pull something positive out of the small amount of time we had with her. We’re letting her death overshadow the life she brought into our lives. We’re letting the darkness put out the light she gave us.”

“How?” My voice is barely audible as my heart breaks again. “How do we do that when we didn’t get enough time with her?”

“There would never have been a day, a moment when we would’ve felt like we had enough time with her. Never. A parent isn’t supposed to bury their child. It would have been just as excruciating whether we’d had a year or twenty years with her. No amount of time would have brought us peace. We have to honor her. We have to learn to focus on more than her death. She was alive for months before she died. Don’t you remember hearing her first heartbeat? The first time we saw her on the sonogram screen? The first time we felt her little foot or arm move?” His face lights up as he recalls our time with Kayla. “How many laughs did she bring us when a little part of her poked out of your stomach? Think, Kylie, think of the good times. Do you remember the way you laughed at my poor attempt at singing? But it didn’t matter because she was my child and I wanted her to know that daddy loved her. That even though she was being carried by you, I was walking right next to her the whole time, waiting with open arms. There’s good in the bad. What happened was bad, but that, my love, was not Kayla. Focusing on all the pain is destroying our memories of her.”

Tears stream down my face, hitting the palms of his hands as words tumble from my lips. “You’re right. God, you’re right. It’s just so hard. I feel like I need her, and I don’t know how to shut that off. I don’t know how to make that desperate longing go away.”

He pulls me into his chest. “You can’t stop that, baby. Maybe it’ll go away, maybe it’ll lessen as time goes by and you’re able to see the good that she brought us instead of all the pain.”

“I just love her, Cooper. I love her,” I cry.

“I know you do, baby, and she knows that too.”

“I want to feel the good. I’m so sick of all the hurt, of all the pain. I’m sick of feeling sad all the time. I want to be able to think of her and smile. I want her memories to bring me joy and not heartache. I want to be able to embrace all the things we got to experience with her. I want to honor her.” My words come out desperate. I want to show my daughter that I remember the good. I remember reading to her and feeling her move as though she was listening. I remember putting headphones over my belly and feeling her dancing in there.

“It’ll always hurt, Kylie. It’ll always feel like we were shorted. We need to give her a place in our heart that’s not just a memory of pain. She changed us, and she brought us so much joy. I want that as her memory, not this.” He gazes at me, his green eyes glistening. “I’m so proud of you. I know coming out here wasn’t easy for you and you had to force yourself to do it, but it needed to be done before you brought this precious new life into the world.” His hands splay across my belly, and the baby gives him a little kick. He smiles. “Kayla is never gone. She’ll always be with us, and she’ll live on not only in us, but in this baby. We need to let go. She taught us what she needed to and then went home. We don’t know why, but it’s time to accept that even though it hurts like hell. She deserves to be remembered for the happiness she brought us.”

Words… Words are powerful things.

They can be damning or beautiful to a human spirit. They can lift a person to heights they never believed possible or send them crashing to the ground in a heartbeat. Words can destroy or heal. And what Cooper just told me reverberates through my spirit and touches me deeply. Everything he’s spoken from his heart opens an awareness inside me.

Maybe I’ll never be able to let go fully, but I can make a conscious choice to love my child in a way that is not bathed in pain. I can focus on the good, joyful memories I have of her. There aren’t many and that will always kill me, but I can do that for her. I close my eyes, letting my body relax. My heart reaches for her. It’ll always reach for her.

I feel my lips move as words trail out of my mouth. “I love you, Kayla. I love you more than anything in the world. Thank you for blessing my life. For giving me the gift of motherhood. This is not good-bye; this is hello. Your mommy is sorry for everything, but she’s also thankful for all the things you’ve given me. You are so loved. God, you are so loved.”

Cooper surrounds me as I break down in tears, but this time, the tears feel different. Every tear cleanses a little of the hurt. I feel lighter as I look to the future and remember the past. I feel a swift, hard kick, and my hand automatically goes to the source. My palm glides against the little body part skating across my belly, and I know that Cooper is right. He is so right!

Kayla will live on in us and this child.

Two months later…

The lights are dimmed in the nursery. I stand with both hands braced on the crib. For the past forty minutes, I’ve been having contractions in consistent ten-minute intervals. I’m not sure why, but once I felt the first one, I knew it was time. I slipped out of bed and called the doctor. He told me to wait until the contractions were stronger and closer together, so I found myself in here. I guess I needed time before I woke Cooper. I needed a moment to digest what’s happening.

I’m about to meet my second child. My baby…

I stare at the crib lined in white cotton bedding. I’m scared. No, not just scared. I’m terrified. I’m trying to fight through that fear, but I keep seeing myself coming home without a baby. The thought plays on a loop in my head. I’ve made peace with Kayla’s death, but that doesn’t take away the fear that something can go wrong. I touch the soft cotton blanket and force out the insidious thoughts. They’re nothing but destructive.

I swallow hard and turn around, trying to distract myself by looking at the nursery I’ve put my heart and soul into. Everything’s ready. Diapers are stacked neatly under the changing table, the walls are painted, pictures are hung, and soft toys stick out of wicker baskets. Clothes have been arranged in straight rows inside the armoire, and stuffed animals are scattered in precise places. It’s a baby’s paradise. Now all we need is a baby.

Our baby.

I’ve had months to prepare, to plan, and suddenly I feel unsure, almost unready. I don’t know why. Maybe its fear, the apprehension about what’s going to happen… Panic sets in as a thought floats tauntingly through my head.

Are we both going to make it out of this okay?

I close my eyes and push it away as a surge of pain hits my stomach. The way the muscles bunch and clench makes me want to hold my breath. With the pain intensifying, I count, trying to redirect my thoughts from the searing discomfort in my hips and abdomen. By the time I get to thirty, I feel the contraction ebb. I release the breath I unknowingly held.

I take a couple cleansing breaths and move to the chenille rocker in the corner by a white bookshelf. I sit down and lean my head back, closing my eyes. I feel as though I should be in a rush to wake Cooper, to get things going, but I’m not. I want a minute with this baby in case something goes wrong. I want to talk to my child before all the crazy begins.

“Hey, precious,” I croon, looking at my stomach. “You hanging in there? It’s almost time for your grand entrance.” I smile, but it’s weak. “You better cry for me. I need that, okay?” A little arm or foot nudges my hand. “Good, that’s what momma wants. I want you to let me have it all. Don’t hold back.” I swallow roughly and let my head fall back against the rocker.

Everything’s okay.

It’s your time.

You’re going to be a mother, and nothing’s going to happen.

Everything’s been healthy up to this point.

Your doctors have assured you that the chances of anything happening are slim.

You’ve had plenty of sonograms. Everything’s been checked and triple checked.

The baby’s perfectly healthy.

My head is racing. I keep chanting positive affirmations, telling myself that things will work out. I need to feel some semblance of control in a situation that’s uncontrollable. Giving birth is always scary. Fear is normal, but I’m having a hard time controlling it. “You’ll be okay. The baby is fine. Everything is fine.”

I open my eyes and see Cooper in the doorway. His green eyes are wide as he stares at me in the dim room. He’s in nothing but low-slung pajama pants, and even through I’m scared shitless and big as a house, my body heats for him. My eyes move up his tight, muscled chest and land on the slight stubble on his jaw. His blonde hair’s all over the place.

“Is it time?” His voice is thick and raspy from sleep.

I nod and look at my belly. “I think so. The baby wants to come out and say hi.” I smile, trying to make light of what’s happening.

He squats in front of me, placing his hands on my thighs. “When did you start having contractions?”

I blow out a breath and peer at the starfish clock on the wall. “Over an hour ago.”

He narrows his eyes and purses his lips. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I don’t know. I just… I needed a minute by myself,” I admit, my gaze dropping to my lap.

He taps my chin gently to get me to look up. “We’re going to be okay, Kylie” he says, softly. “Is your bag ready to go?”

I nod and point at the door.

He flicks his eyes to the tote then back to mine. “Are you scared?”

“To death,” I admit, momentarily giving into my fear that’s bubbling inside me.

“I know it’s scary,” he says, his tone soft and comforting. “But we’re going to be o…”

His words taper off when my face breaks into a grimace as another contraction hits me hard. I brace my hands on the side of the rocker and close my eyes, trying not to hold my breath. I know that when I do it makes the pain worse. I breathe in small puffs and count in my head. It passes in less than a minute, and when I open my eyes, I can’t help the small laugh that escapes. Cooper looks as if he’s about to panic.

“It’s just a contraction. You can relax,” I say.

“How many of these have you had?”

“Several.”

He shakes his head and stands. “I think we need to get going. Did you call the doctor?”

I nod while he helps me stand. “Can you grab the bag while I go to the bathroom?”

“Yeah, I got it. Anything we need other than the bag?” He’s all business.

It earns another laugh from me. I can’t help it. His nerves are helping to settle mine.

“What’s so funny?” His eyes twinkle in the faint light.

“You stressing out is making me feel better.”

“Glad I can help.” He chuckles. “But the thought of you sitting here having contractions for an hour freaks me out. This is your second baby, and it could come quick. We need to get going.”

I smile. “Okay, are you ready for this?”

“I was born ready.” He smirks.

“So you’re going looking like that?” I look at his hips, at that tapered V on display, and raise my eyes to his.

“I’m a man, baby. It takes me less than a minute to throw on shorts and a T-shirt. By the time you’re out of the bathroom, I’ll be ready and patiently waiting.”

“Well, smart ass”—I grin, feeling my mood lighten—“go, so I can have this baby already.”

He laughs and pats my butt, leaning in for a kiss. “You are going to do great, Momma. I can’t wait to meet our baby.”

I smile when his lips touch mine and his fingers slide along my jaw. “I can’t wait either.”

“You know what else I can’t wait for?” he whispers, his eyes turning wicked.

I blush because I know exactly what he’s thinking. “Six weeks. Six long weeks. I don’t know how you’re going to make it.”

“It’s gonna be hell, but I’ll take care of you while we wait.” He licks his lips and rubs his nose on mine. “Let’s have a baby.”

I bark out a laugh. “Holy subject change.”

He chuckles. “You liked that, didn’t ya?” His eyes twinkle with mirth. “I had to do something to distract you from freaking out.”

I shake my head and waddle out the room with Cooper trailing me.

“You know,” he says, “I’m going to miss your pregnancy body.”

I twist my head around and roll my eyes. “Right, because feeling like a whale and barely being able to move is so sexy.”

He grins. “Baby, you’re all ass and tits right now. Trust me when I tell you there’s nothing sexier. That body you’ve got going on is all because of me. My baby’s done that to you. It’s made you fuller, softer.” He groans, appraising me. “I’ve had plenty to grab the last couple of months, and I’ve loved it.” He pulls me against him.

“What are you doing, Cooper?” I ask, breathless.

“I want to relax you,” he whispers, “and tell you something.” He wraps his hands around my shoulders and massages them. “I know you’re tense, scared, and worried. So am I, but I want you to be relaxed when you have our baby. Does that feel good?” His voice is calm and sweet.

“Mmmhmm,” I hum, my body settling into his.

I love the way he touches me. Cooper calms me, grounds me, and he makes me feel beautiful. He rains kisses on me as his hands move along my shoulders. They trail to my collar bone, down my arms and lower back, and journey up, landing on my shoulders again. My whole body sighs as his hands relax me.

“At the hospital, I want you to think positive. I get that it feels impossible,” he says, “but you need to. If you need anything, you tell me, and I’ll take care of it. I’m there for you and the baby. We’re both scared, but let’s try to stay calm. Just remember that if you’re calm, then baby’s calm.”

I nod against him and feel him smile.

“I sound like Dr. Phil or something.” He chuckles. His lips slide across my ear. “Okay, we need to get going, but I want you to keep this in mind when you’re in pain. When you feel like you want to kill me or castrate me, just remember that today’s going to be the happiest day of our lives. We’re going to meet our child, and it’s all thanks to you.”

I smile, getting ready to respond, but instead, I groan as a contraction hits me, causing me to squat. “Shit, shit, shit.” I try to breathe through it, but I feel my teeth clench and my blood pressure rise. “Go get dressed and get the bags. I need to get to the hospital. These contractions are strong, and they feel different.” My tone is slightly sharp, but anxiety swells in me hard and fast. My water hasn’t broken, but it could happen at any moment.

“Yeah, okay, let’s get you sitting down while I get everything. I’ll come back for you in less than a minute.”

“No, I need to go to the bathroom. Help me up,” I snap.

He holds back a laugh, but I see the corners of his lips twitch as he helps me stand. Once up, he sweeps me into his arms and carries me to the bathroom.

He sets me down and gives me a quick kiss. “Hurry up. You have one minute, Kylie, then I’m coming for you.”

I watch him shut the door. I turn the lock and let out a breath. I stare at my reflection, trying to instill some confidence and strength in myself. “You can do this. You can do this.”

I grip the white marble countertop and close my eyes. My body trembles, and my head drops forward. It’s almost as if, as soon as Cooper leaves, I’m weak. I feel the weight of what’s going to happen and what the baby is going to go through. Calm down… The baby kicks, giving me a moment of reassurance that everything’s okay. I take two deep breaths and look up again.

“Stay positive… Positive, positive, positive,” I whisper over and over. I shake my head and use the bathroom. I’m washing my hands when I hear a knock on the door.

“Kylie, why’s this locked?” Coop mumbles.

“Just hold on.” I dry my hands and waddle to the door. “Limits, Cooper! You don’t need to watch your pregnant wife pee. I think giving birth’s enough for one day.” I lift my brows and cross my arms.

He studies me and tucks some hair behind my ear. “I love you,” he whispers. “No matter what happens today, we’re in this together.”

I nod, and again I’m punched with a strong blast of pain. This time, it’s accompanied by a trickle of fluid running down my leg. “Oh God. My water just broke.” I grate the words out while I try to get through the sharp bite of pain.

“What?” He looks down. “Shit! When you called the doctor, what did he tell you?” He must notice my terrified expression because his turns from panicked to calm instantly.

“I… I called and told him I wanted to go into the hospital right away. He told me to wait till the contractions where closer together or my water broke. He said it’d be easier on me and assured me again that the baby was fine. He just saw us yesterday.” I feel myself spiral into the grips of panic. “Cooper,” I breathe, terrified. “I can’t do this. I really can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” He gazes at me his features bathed in understanding. He grabs a towel and cleans the fluid off my legs. “Let’s get you changed.” He drops the towel on the floor, picks me up, and moves into the bedroom, setting me on the bed. He goes to the closet and grabs a dress. “Come on, sweet girl, arms up,” he murmurs, helping me stand.

He grips my dress and sweeps it off my body, tossing it on the bed. He puts the new one on me. I’m entranced by the way he instinctively takes care of me. He kneels and takes off my wet underwear, replacing them with dry ones. His face is calm, cool, and collected. He goes back to the bathroom, grabs another towel, and tosses it over his shoulder.

When he’s finally done, he smiles. “Let’s go.”

I can’t move. I’m emotional, overwhelmed, and hormonal. With Cooper taking over, I’m… I don’t know. I start to cry, and then I’m asking for an ambulance because the pain is back. My body shakes uncontrollably. The contraction is fierce, and the baby moves during it, causing even more discomfort. I moan as he picks me up again and moves down the hall.

“Hold on,” he murmurs, his voice strained. “We’ll be at the hospital in five minutes.”

He sets me down at the door to the garage. We head to the Audi SUV, and I lean my head back on the headrest and shut my eyes, feeling the world spin around me. The pain has gone from mild and annoying to vicious and intense. I feel as if I’m losing my grip on reality.

Cooper hops in. “Are you okay?” There’s a hint of fear in his voice.

“I am right now,” I whisper. “It passed.”

“Good, okay… that’s good.” He blows out a breath and starts the car, putting the gearshift in reverse.

I point at the rearview mirror. “You can’t get out without opening the garage door. Unless you plan on mowing it over.”

He lets out a flustered chuckle and clicks the button. “Damn, that might help.”

I start to smile with a witty retort on the edge of my tongue, but it’s quickly erased by another contraction. “Oh, Cooper.” I clutch his arm as a moan dribbles past my lips. The pain that pierces my lower back and hips is so strong, it literally steals the air from my lungs. I want to scream, but the only thing that comes out is groaning.

“Breathe, Kylie. You have to breathe through these, baby.”

“They’re coming really fast. Why are they coming like this?” I release Cooper’s arm. A second later, I feel the car move. The pain drifts off slowly, allowing me to open my eyes.

“I don’t know. On a scale of one to ten, what did that last one feel like?”

I look at him as he stares at the road. I notice his eyes are narrowed and his shoulders are tense. He looks as stressed as I feel, but he’s keeping himself in check. His voice is calm, giving off a sense that he has everything under control.

“A ten, definitely a ten,” I say. My intuition tells me this baby will make its appearance within the hour.

“You still want something for the pain when we get there, right?” He casts a quick glance my way.

“I don’t know. It depends.”

His hand tightens on the wheel. “What? I thought we decided you were getting the epidural.”

“I want to get there first and see how things go. These contractions are strong. I have a feeling the baby’s going to come before I can get pain meds.”

He’s silent for a moment. “Yeah, okay. I’m so glad the new house is close to the hospital.”

“Me too.” I breathe and feel a little kick in my stomach. My heart beats rapidly. Jesus, I’m about to have a baby.

I push a terrified hand through my hair and try to redirect my thoughts. I feel Cooper’s eyes on me.

“You’re okay,” he whispers. “We’ll be okay, sweet girl. You’ve got this.”

“I know.” I swallow, not feeling as though I have it at all. “The baby moved.”

He smiles, his eyes lighting up. “I can’t wait to meet our child.”

I’m about to say “me too” when I feel it again. The pain radiates and pulses through my bones. It’s intense, almost crippling. I take heavy breaths as my world goes black from the pain. Cooper’s name rolls pleadingly from my lips, a desperate call to help dull the pain that won’t go away. I clutch my stomach.

“We’re almost there. Hang on, Ky.” His voice is tight.

“Oh… this is not good.”

“What?” he asks, his voice anxious.

“Oh God!” I feel burning somewhere I do not want to feel burning. I panic. Full out panic. “Cooper, get me there now.” I clutch the seat, digging holes into the leather with my nails.

“What?”

“I feel like pushing,” I grate out.

His posture turns rigid, and the car speeds up. “No, do not push. Hang on!”

“Cooper,” I cry, “it hurts.”

“Listen to me, Kylie. I know it hurts. Breathe. You have to breathe through that pain. Think of me, think of looking in my eyes. Draw strength from that till we get there. We have one more turn to go.”

I exhale as the pain recedes. “It’s passing, but there’s still pressure. I really need to push.” I’m so petrified that I feel the adrenaline spike through my blood stream, piercing my cells like a deadly drug. I hyperventilate as a panic attack enslaves me. My breathing becomes rough, labored as the world fades away.

“Kylie,” Cooper’s sharp voice pierces through the car, commanding my attention. “Look at me right now. There’s one more turn to go, baby. Open your eyes.”

With my head still turned toward his, I struggle to meet his demand. Sweat beads on my brow, and my pulse thrashes. I can’t breathe. Fear eats me alive, devouring every ounce of my flesh.

“No, baby,” he says, his voice tight. “Stay with me. Breathe. Please, Kylie, just breathe.”

I follow his orders, taking breaths every time he tells me to. I fight and fight to break through my panic. Tears drip onto my chest as I battle with everything in me.

“There you go, there you go,” he coos. “That’s right, you keep breathing like that. We’re here.”

The car stops, and he hops out. The next minute, my door is open, my seatbelt is unbuckled, and I’m moving through the hospital doors in his arms.

“She feels like she needs to push.” The words rush out of his mouth so fast I have trouble catching them.

A nurse brings a wheelchair, and he places me in it as another contraction surges.

“These are coming so fast.” I groan, the pain harsh. “I just feel…” My head drops back against the wheel chair as they rush me down the hall into a room.

“Let’s get her on the bed,” the gray-haired nurse says, looking at Cooper.

“I’m going to lay you on the bed,” he says. “I know you’re hurting. Put your arms around my neck and hang on.”

I do as I’m told. He lifts me easily and lays me across the hospital bed. My stomach is a compressed ball of muscle, mimicking the anxiety that strangles my chest.

“Hey, I see that look. Stay calm,” he orders, his tone gentle. “Everything’s fine.”

“Okay, I need to get you hooked to the monitors, and I need you to put this on.” A smile covers the nurse’s face as she hands me a hospital gown. “You’re in fantastic hands, little lady. I’ve paged the doctor already, and he’ll be here in five minutes. Let me wash my hands, get some gloves on, and we’ll see where you’re at.”

I swallow the knot in my throat. Cooper undresses me quickly, leaving me naked in a hospital gown.

“They’re coming so fast,” I whisper. “It feels like there’s no break between them.”

“How long have the contractions been going?” she asks.

“About an hour and a half now, but I’ve been having contractions all week. I went to the doctor yesterday, but I was only two centimeters.”

She slips on her gloves and gives me a kind smile. “Is this your first pregnancy?”

“No,” I breathe, the pain returning. “Oh God, it’s coming again.”

“Hang in there, Ky.” Cooper places a kiss on my head.

The nurse turns to Cooper. “I need to check her and see how far dilated she is. The doctor will be here any second. Did your wife fill out the pre-registration paperwork?”

“Yes.”

I grip his hand tightly, wincing through the pain.

He turns his eyes to mine and cups my face. “You’re doing so good. Just keep breathing and stay calm. I’m proud of you.”

“Jesus, this hurts like a motherfucker.”

He laughs, some of his stress momentarily disappearing. “I’m sure it does.”

“All right, let’s see what we have here. Lift your bottom and scoot down just a little.” I do as she says, my heart racing, my palms sweating. The nurse inserts her hand in me, her face creasing for a couple seconds. A huge smile pulls at her lips. “Well, you are dilated all the way, and that baby is low. Very, very low. I think he or she wants to make its grand entrance.” She winks.

My heart plummets to my feet. “Oh, I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can, you’re doing it now,” Coop urges.

“Don’t be scared,” the nurse’s gentle tone cuts through. “You’re going to be fine. Let’s hook you up to the monitors. Once the doctor gets in, you can push, but that baby is so low, you won’t be pushing for long.” She walks over to the machines beside the bed and pulls out some belts.

My chest constricts. I’m afraid that the heart beat will somehow show the baby is in distress, or even worse—it won’t come up at all. I look at Cooper, and his green eyes lock on mine. I swallow hard, feeling my gut twist.

He cups my cheek, his eyes comforting me. “Everything is going to be okay. Have some faith, sweet girl. I know it’s hard, but have some faith that we’ll be okay no matter what.”

“I love you, Cooper,” I whisper, my heart a near mess.

“I love you, too.” He smiles, placing a soft kiss on my lips.

“All right, can you sit up for me, sweetie?” The nurse smiles. “My name is Jodie, by the way. I meant to mention that earlier.” She snaps the belts to my belly, and my heart stops, waiting for the sound I’m desperate to hear. She says, “Let’s adjust this and find this little beauty’s heartbeat.”

She moves the monitor around. After a moment, the thump, thump, thump filters through the air. It’s music to my ears. She settles me back in and moves over to the machines that keep track of the fetal heartbeat. I look over, trying to see the beats per minute on the screen. I’m desperate to know my child’s not in distress. One hundred fifty-five lights up the display. Everything in me heaves a relieved sigh. A choked sob escapes my throat before I can stop it.

“It looks nice and healthy,” Jodie murmurs. She jots something down on her chart.

I look at Cooper, who’s also staring at the monitor. His eyes hold tears.

“Faith,” he whispers so only I can hear.

My belly tightens again. I feel the mounting pressure urging me to bear down and push. “I really need to push.”

The nurse gives me a supportive smile. “Take a couple short panting breaths and breathe through it, sweetie. I know it’s hard, but just wait a minute, and we’ll have you set up to welcome your precious bundle. Tell me your name. Let’s get you checked in.”

“Kylie Bailey,” I grate out, trying to obey her.

At her computer, she types something. “Are you having a boy or girl?”

“I don’t know.”

Cooper smiles and kisses my forehead. He grabs my hand and rubs his thumb across my knuckles. “We wanted a surprise. We had a little girl before, but we wanted to be surprised with this one.”

“Oh, I love surprises,” Jodie murmurs, clicking away. “How old’s your daughter?”

“She would have been three this year,” Cooper says, his voice dropping low.

The nurse’s clicking stops. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“That’s okay,” I say as tears fill my eyes. This is a bittersweet moment for Cooper and me. It’s years of pain and anguish culminating into one full circle moment. Less than three years ago, we were at this same hospital giving birth to our Kayla. “We had a stillbirth,” I murmur, flicking my eyes to Jodie’s compassion-filled face.

“Well, your baby looks good,” she murmurs, her tone soothing. “He or she looks healthy, and we’re going to take good care of you both, Kylie.”

I nod and look at Cooper, who has a couple tears dripping down his cheeks. He smiles and leans forward to nuzzle my neck. My heart beats for him as I wrap my arms around him, and we soak in a moment together before our lives change.

The moment is broken when the door swings open, and the doctor’s happy voice blasts through the room. “Who’s ready to have a baby?” He closes the door and comes in smiling. “You guys ready?”

We nod, unable to find words.

“You’re going to be fine,” he says. “The baby looked so good yesterday. How’s our little champion doing now, Jodie?”

“Everything looks perfect,” she says, her voice soft.

“Well there you have it!” Dr. Hershberger soothes.

Cooper and I go mute as everything happens around us. A sonogram is administered while the room is prepped. I continue to breathe through the contractions that seem to plague me every minute. The need to bear down and get this baby out consumes me, but I pant through them till everything is ready to go.

Once suited up, the doctor plants himself in front of me. “Ready to push?”

“Yeah,” I whisper, my throat dry and my stomach feeling nauseas.

“All right, next contraction, I want you to count to ten and bear down. This baby is low and ready to come out. I don’t think it’s going to take much. You are one of those lucky few who don’t have to labor long. Cooper, you grab a leg, and Jodie will grab the other.”

Cooper’s eyes find mine. A smile pulls at his lips, but it’s troubled and bathed in stress. “You’ve got this.” He leans in to give me another soft kiss. “I’m so proud of you.”

“We’re having a baby,” I whisper.

“We are. You’re giving me a baby.”

“I’m afraid this is a dream,” I say, my heart in my throat.

“It is,” he whispers, his eyes loving and brilliantly green. “Our dream.”

I feel the tug at my belly as it coils in a tight knot of pain. “I need to push.”

“Okay, let’s do this, sweet girl.”

I nod and look at the doctor.

“Ready, Kylie?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

Cooper and the nurse grab my legs. I look back at Coop for support, and he nods. I stare into his eyes and put all my effort into pushing out my child.

Cooper counts while I heave with all my might. I use the strength in his eyes to drive me through the pain and fear. When I get to ten, the doctor tells me to do it again. With every push, I see my little girl’s face. My heart surges and my muscles get tired as the pain overwhelms me. When the contraction is gone, I tilt my head back and close my eyes.

“You’re doing so good,” Cooper whispers, touching my cheek.

I open my eyes to look at him, my body exhausted. Sweat glistens on his forehead and his face is pinched in concern.

“This is brutal,” I whisper.

“I swear I’m pushing with you.”

I laugh lightly. “I’m glad someone is.”

“Do you need anything?”

I close my eyes for a break before the next round of pushing. “Yeah, maybe a cold compress for my face.”

“I’ll get it,” Jodie says, placing my leg back in the stirrup.

“You’re doing great, Kylie.” Dr. Hershberger smiles. “This baby should be out in the next push or two. The head is very close to crowning.”

I look at him, anxiety swelling inside me. Cooper grips my hand tightly. I shift my gaze to him and swallow hard, my body tingling with emotion.

“A couple more pushes,” he whispers, “and he or she is here.”

“I can’t believe this is happening.” A tear drips down my cheek. “I wish Kayla were here.”

His eyes are aglow with happiness and sadness. “I miss her too. I love you, Kylie. Everything we’ve been through has brought us here, and we’ve made it. You are my world, my heart. I treasure you, my sweet girl.”

I cup his cheek and smile at the man who makes all this worth it. Our journey’s been long, but he’s right. We’ve made it. “I love you too. So very much.” I feel the pull in my stomach again.

“You’re having another one,” the doctor murmurs, peering at the monitor.

Jodie and Cooper grip my legs again. I look at my husband and push down hard. He counts as we stare at each other, the moments ticking by as the world stills.

“Here he is… Come on, champ,” the doctor says.

It burns so bad that my eyes blister with tears. “Oh, it burns,” I choke out.

“The head’s almost out. Push, push through that burn, Kylie,” Dr. Hershberger urges.

I grunt and shove all my strength into it.

“There you go. Come on, more. Push, push.”

“There’s our baby. Come on, Ky,” Cooper urges, his voice clogged with tears. “You’re doing it, sweet girl. You’re doing it.”

“The head is out,” the doctor says. “I need you to push one more time so we can get these shoulders out. Come on, give me one last push.”

I do it again, and a painful groan pulls from my throat as I feel the searing burn below.

The doctor’s loud voice says, “Here he is. It’s a boy, you guys. A sweet baby boy.”

A wail rips through the air, slaying my heart. My son is placed on my stomach. His cries are a joyful sound that match mine. I lift a shaky hand and touch his warm body, my heart surging with love. I feel as if I’m in a dream as I touch him for the first time, feeling his velvet skin. His little head is covered in fuzzy black hair.

Cooper kisses my cheek. “Look at him, Kylie,” he says, his voice breaking. “He’s perfect.”

I tilt my head to look at my husband, and I smile through my tears as our son cries. “He’s okay.” My shoulders tremble in relief, joy, love, a mixture of so many things.

“He’s not just okay. He’s perfect.”

“Do you want to cut the cord, Dad?” the doctor asks with a grin.

Cooper turns to him, his eyes fresh with tears, and nods. He takes the cord clamp with a shaky hand and cuts the umbilical cord. I watch a tear drip down his face. The cord is clamped, and the baby is no longer attached to me, but to his own living, breathing little self. I’m filled with an emotion that’s indescribable. We did this with Kayla, and the horror was so raw when it happened, but as my little boy screams on my stomach, I feel something release off my shoulders.

There’s a stirring in my soul.

With my hands splayed on my son, I gaze at this little person we’ve created. I feel as though our lives have done a three hundred and sixty degree turn. We went from on top of the world to the most unbearable pain, and now we’re back where we started.

Jodie’s sweet voice breaks through my haze. “I’m going to get him cleaned up for you, sweetie. I need to check him out, and then I’ll bring him right back, okay?”

“Okay.” I smile with tears sliding down my face.

She smiles at me. “You did really great, Kylie,” she whispers.

The moment is tender, woman to woman. “Thank you.”

She nods and gently takes my son to the other side of the room to clean him up.

Cooper holds my hand. “We have a son.” He smiles, his voice thick with love.

“We do,” I whisper, my heart leaping.

“You gave me a son, Kylie.”

My eyes close, tears running down my face like a waterfall. “Is he okay?”

“He’s perfect. Listen to him.” Cooper laughs. “He’s got some lungs on him.”

“I’m so glad he’s crying. I wanted that so bad. I was so scared. But he’s here, he’s healthy, and he’s crying. It’s everything I wanted for Kayla.” I barely take a breath as words cartwheel from my mouth. My soul purging the fears that have plagued me for the last months. “I’m so thankful he’s getting a chance. I was terrified something would go wrong. But he’s here. He’s here, Cooper, and he’s crying and he’s ours. Our baby to love and nurture, and we can give him the world. That’s all I wanted to do with Kayla. I wanted to give her the world.” I hiccup between tears, my heart a jumbled mess.

He leans down and kisses me. “I know, baby. I know you were scared, but he’s perfect. You did it. You did amazing, and now we’re parents. Kayla’s watching us and smiling.” He gazes at me with adoration and love.

“Here you go,” Jodie says, bringing back our baby. “Who wants to hold him?”

I look at Cooper and can tell he wants a moment with his son. “Can he hold him for a minute?”

She nods and smiles. Coop stands up straight, and Jodie places our son in his arms. I watch Cooper stare at our little boy. His shoulders tremble, and his face is filled with a warmth brighter than the sun. His eyes glisten with tears as he gives our little bundle of heaven his undivided attention. Cooper breathes him in and gives him a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“He looks like her a little,” he whispers. “He has the same button nose you and Kayla have.” He sits next to me so we can both look at him. “I think he’s hungry.” He chuckles, happiness literally coating the room. “Those little lips are looking for something that only Mommy has.”

I look at his mouth, at the little sucking face he’s making, and giggle. “He’s so pink.” I’m entranced by this being that belongs to me.

“He is pink, and warm too,” Cooper murmurs, his eyes locked on the baby. “What are we going to name him?”

I stare at my perfect little boy and think over the names we picked out. “I like Liam Kayden Bailey…”

Cooper beams at his son. “I love that. How about that, little Liam?”

Liam lets out a screech, and we share a happy, relieved laugh. Everything feels right in our world.

Cooper turns to me and smiles. “Thank you. Thank you for my son.”

A blissful sob escapes my throat as my eyes travel to the little slice of heaven we were blessed with. He’s cradled in his father’s arms, his skin bright, his eyes closed, and mouth looking for something to suck. My world feels complete. I finally feel as though we’re okay.

I shift my eyes to my husband who has been with me through the worst of times, and I feel our lives come full circle. He smiles widely, his green eyes bright and full of life and promise. We’ve been to hell, and we’ve finally made it to heaven. I return his smile and look at my baby, my son.

The tides have changed swiftly in our lives, and the current has pulled us to sea. It wasn’t pretty, and at times I felt like giving up, but one thing I’ve realized is that Cooper has always loved me. When I felt myself sinking, my soul breaking, his love picked me up and anchored me. When I felt hopeless and desperate to die, he urged me forward. His love has resurrected me and taught me that even in the most awful of times, there’s always a spark of hope. A lighthouse shining in the dark to bring me home to shore. That in adversity and tragedy, if you have a will to go on and to fight for your tomorrow you’ll be okay.

I can’t change the past, but I can fight for those I’ve lost and pay respect to them by living, and living to the fullest.

And that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to live, not only for Liam, but for our precious daughter. Her life was short, but it made all the difference in our lives.

Turn the page for a sneak peek of

AGAINST THE GRAIN

I’m battered. This screaming ache demands the edge be taken off. This incessant need that’s stripped my soul needs to get the fuck out of my system. I can no longer ignore the pain. As I step out of the airplane, my eyes flicker to the road ahead and I release a tired sigh.

A new start. One without Kylie.

The burning at the base of my chest ignites. I grip my phone and tap in the passcode, watching the screen display what I want: her picture. My chest lightens when I see her. I trail the planes of her face, memorizing it. Her beauty brings warmth to my cold heart. Her luminous blue eyes urge my feet forward in an effort to protect her from my obsessive feelings.

When you love someone, really love them, you put their needs first. And this woman has somehow become the pulse of my beating heart. How she became so essential, I don’t know. All I know is that I have to put her first no matter what the cost. I can’t be like Cooper. I won’t.

She wants him… As painful as it is, I left her there. Even at the price of my sanity, I’m willing to let her live the life she desires. I don’t want to let her go, I can’t let her go, but I can’t take what she craves most either. I have to give her space. I’m holding out hope that Cooper’s bound to fuck up at some point.

I can almost guarantee it. I can taste it. I’ll wait.

And when it happens, I’ll be there with outstretched arms, ready to love her and give her everything she needs. I don’t care about the baby, pregnancy, any of it. I’ll take anything.

I blow out another breath and move toward the waiting car, my feet crunching a light dusting of snow. The clouds are angry. Swallowing the sky in a musty gray, they match the sadness seeping from my core.

“Welcome, Mr. Walsh.”

I shift my attention to the brown-haired, middle-aged driver and nod in greeting. He opens the door, and I get inside and settle into the heated seat. I pull out my phone again. Her picture flashes as bright as the sun, and I can’t help but smile. Those eyes, that face. She’s my morning, noon, and night, causing me both pain and joy.

I close my eyes, picturing the day at the lake house. She was so beautiful. I remember the feel of her sexy body grinding against mine, and my throat clogs with untamed emotion. God, I want her. To taste her, to rip into her and devour every inch, to make her feel things she’s never felt. Things she might not realize she needs until I give them to her. I push down my desire and scroll through my contacts. After a minute, I find the one I want.

This is it. The first step to finding the old me. I need to do this. It doesn’t mean anything. It never will.

I tap the call button, and four rings later I hear a silky voice through the receiver.

“Grayson Walsh?”

“Winter.”

“Wow,” she murmurs, surprise in her voice. “It’s been a long time.”

I swallow the knot in my throat and eye the liquor across from me. “Yeah, too long. You busy tonight?”

“Ah, no. I actually have the night off.”

I should just come out and say it. The girl knows me, knows the score. “Can I see you tonight?”

She laughs like honey drizzling along heated skin. “I’m surprised you still remember me, Grayson. It’s been that long since I’ve heard from you.”

I feel my jaw twitch. It has been a very long time. I’ve been out of commission, and it’s fucked with my head. “How could I forget you?”

“Mmm… always a smooth bastard.”

I smile into the phone. “I can be there in under an hour.”

“That sounds really good.” Her voice becoming tender, inviting. “You doing okay, Gray? It’s really has been a long time since I’ve heard from you, and that’s not like you.”

I close my eyes and lay my head back on the black leather. “I’m fine. Just been really busy.”

“It’s never good to lie to me,” she says, a glimmer of hurt in her voice.

“I’m not lying.” I reply smoothly as I open my eyes and reach for a drink. I pour a couple of fingers of the amber liquor and sit back, swirling it.

“Why are you in town? I know it’s not to see me.”

“I have business here.” I down my drink and refill it.

She sighs, and I can picture those full lips pursing in a straight line. “When do you go back?”

“I don’t.” The burn of the booze does nothing to alleviate the ache. I’m not going back until Kylie calls.

“So you’re here permanently then?”

I finish off my second drink and grunt. I’m tired of her questions. “Yeah, I’m staying with your brother. Who, by the way, does not need to know about us.”

“Hmm,” she whispers, ignoring my statement about her brother.

I just want to cut through the bullshit. “So do you want to see me or not, Winter? Because I can go elsewhere.”

She laughs, amused by my forwardness. “There he is. That’s the Grayson Walsh I know. The asshole who’s been missing for far too long.”

A thick knot forms in my chest, and my heart rate increases when I think of who I used to be. I was always a pretty cool guy. I fucked shamelessly, drank wildly, lived recklessly. “I really need you tonight.”

“Have you ever had to ask to have me? You remember, right? Just us. Always.”

I don’t remember anything anymore. My brain’s swamped with thoughts of Kylie. The time I spent with her felt like a lifetime. She became my air, and now she’s gone. I feel depleted.

“What’s happened to my Grayson?” Winter says, warmth sliding through her words. “He seems to be missing.”

“I don’t know,” I whisper, my throat tightening as I refill my drink.

They’ve fucked me up. Fucked my head. I can’t focus. She’s everywhere, a haze so thick that I’ve had to shut down and run like a fucking pussy.

She consumes me. Overtakes me. Owns me. She’s told me repeatedly that she can’t, won’t, doesn’t feel the same way. Yet I find myself pushing her rejection aside and holding onto a stupid flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, she’ll be mine eventually.

“Come to me, lover. I’ll take care of you.” The words slide out of Winter’s mouth like a buttery balm to my broken heart.

“I’m on my way,” I mutter, throwing back my third drink.

She gets quiet for a minute. “You know you can always talk to me. I’m still the same girl, Gray. If something’s bothering you, I’ll always listen without judgment.”

My body bristles, turning rigid in response to her digging. “I don’t want to talk, Winter. That’s not why I called you. I want to fuck… for hours.” I hear her gasp, and I smirk. “Are you ready for me?”

“Getting there,” she says.

I chuckle. “I’ll get you there.”

“My night just got a little more exciting,” she teases.

The car lurches forward, and the partition rolls down. “Where to, sir?”

I give him the address and press the button to roll the partition back up for privacy. “Put something sexy on for me.”

I lick my lips, my cock hardening in anticipation of the fuck I so desperately crave. My eyes close, and I see my blue-eyed beauty in nothing but a tiny pink nightie, her nipples pressing against the silk. I think back to the night she climbed in my bed and wrapped her supple, warm body around mine. She felt like heaven, the smoothest bourbon sliding down my throat, blazing a heated path across my body. I’ll never forget the way she felt. It’s inked into my consciousness.

“I think I have something for you,” she whispers.

I groan. I’m a bastard for picturing her as Kylie, but this is what I’ve become. A lonely, desperate motherfucker looking for an erotic high. I see Kylie’s hand as she stroked my chest that night. It was innocent, but I was ready for more. Ready to feel that hand glide down and grip the base of my pulsing cock.

“I can’t wait to have you wrapped around me again.” Her voice comes out raspy—all sex. That’s what Winter is. Pure motherfucking sex.

The blondest hair, bright, lime green eyes, porcelain skin, tall—all tits and ass.

“Yeah, I’ll see you soon then.”

“Okay.” There’s a tiny hiccup in her voice, telling me she’s needy, wanting.

“Be ready,” I warn, already anticipating my mental escape.

“Before you go, tell me something. What’s changed with you? Any new tats, maybe piercings?”

I smile. She’s always loved my ink. “I think that’s something your sweet lips should discover.”

“I’m getting wet just thinking about it,” she says with a breathless sigh.

I chuckle again. “I love a wet pussy.”

Her answering moan makes me smirk. This girl’s easy. No strings, no mess. The way sex is meant to be. I learned a long time ago to never mix the heart with fucking. So somehow I’ve involved the heart without the sex.

Who fucking does that? Who falls in love with someone without even a touch? This stupid asshole, that’s who.

“Okay, let me go get ready. I’ll see you in a few.”

“See you soon.”

“Bye, Grayson,” she purrs.

“Bye, Winter.”

The moment the line goes dead, the pain comes back tenfold, accompanied by a thick layer of guilt. I’m not cheating on her. She’s not yours, dumbass. She’s married and expecting a child. The internal struggle is brutal. Logically I know she’s not mine to take, but the heart, that fickle bastard, keeps urging me to wait.

I’m not a shitty guy. I’m really not. I usually know when to bow out, when my time’s up. I try to do the right thing and put others’ needs before mine.

I shake my stupid thoughts out of my head and set the glass down. The day I left Cooper’s, I changed. I went there to try to make peace, but I came out a tornado of anger, ready to rip his life apart. I told him I didn’t care that she was pregnant, I’d take her anyway. The fucked up part is that I would.

It took everything in my God damn body to leave her there and walk away from the girl who owns my heart. Now I’m here in motherfucking Colorado of all places, trying to move on, but still waiting.

Waiting for what?

I open my eyes and look out the window. The streets whirl by in a blurry haze. It’s a mental hell. Everything in me says go home and wait, but I can’t do that. Being so close yet so far was killing me. It’s time to lose myself in a bunch of warm pussy and booze. I’ll keep my phone close in case she calls, and when she does, I’ll go claim what’s mine. What I desperately want to be mine.

Cooper is there now. He has her now. He might own her, but he won’t for long. I know it.

I’ll will it into existence.

And if it doesn’t happen, I don’t know what I’ll do. What I’m capable of doing. Would that thrust me over the ledge and make me a person I never dreamed I’d be? A person who doesn’t care about the consequences and takes what he need and wants?

Who am I?

What am I?

I guess it’s time to figure it out.

Am I really writing acknowledgements for a book I wrote? Me? I’m honestly still stunned I did this. This book is a message to all of YOU out there that ANYTHING you put your mind to can be done. Never let anyone or anything hold you back when you feel a stirring inside your soul. No matter what it is, it can be done and done well if you’re ready to work and put your heart in it.

There are so many people I need to thank. I’ll start with a lady that has been my rock through so much of the last year. Gail, having you in my life has made it fuller and happier. You’ve made me realize things about myself that I never would’ve otherwise. You believe in me. ME. That means so much. You’re a brilliant, honest, and beautiful soul. Thank you for loving me, urging me, and drying my tears. There really are no words that could adequately describe what or how important you are in my life. Just know, I love you beyond ANY words and I’m SO eternally grateful and thankful for you.

Katy… my soul sister. God, how do I thank you? How? There are no words good enough. Your love of my characters and their story gave me the confidence I didn’t have. You’re a gorgeous, passionate, and pure person. Your light, in this sometimes dark world, shines so brightly in my life. Every day I’m thankful that I get the honor of knowing you and being your friend. Thank you for every word of advice, every moment you’ve listen to my fears and reassured me. I love you so much!

Mia… my angsty queen. Thank you for taking the time to read Against All Odds. Your support means the world to me. I’m so grateful I have you in my life. I feel completely blessed. You’re advice and constant messages of encouragement meant so much to me. The fact that you believed in my characters and their story makes me feel like I did okay. I love you!!!!!!!!

Amy… When you agreed to beta AAO I was so scared… LOL! You’re a mega author to me. Your writing and characters are always so beautiful. The idea that you were reading my debut scared the shit out of me. Thank you for taking the time to do it. You’re feedback was HUGE! I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know. I love you and I’m so blessed that you were a part of my baby.

Jennifer… WHERE DO I START? Huh? LOL! When I sent you the prologue and start of my first chapter I was so scared. I remember when you read it and loved it. It was a crazy feeling. You, my friend, have been such a HUGE part of my writing journey. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for all your love and support. Thank you for your words of encouragement. There really are no words to describe how important you are to me. THANK YOU! Just thank you for everything!

Steph… Ahhhhh! Gosh. You have been a HUGE part of this book. Your feedback and love for my story helped me write and finish it. You gave me confidence. You supported me. You urged me forward. You loved me through this. I don’t think there is a more pure hearted person in this world. Your spirit is like a bright star in the bleakest sky. I love, cookie girl. I love you HARD.

Tara… My sweet Tara! Gosh, I love you. My Gray lover. Thinking about you warms me from the inside out. You have been such a SPECIAL and IMPORTANT part of my writing journey. Your input into this book was HUGE. I can’t even count the amount of times you’ve read it… LOL. Please know from the bottom of my heart how important you are to me. I appreciate you so much and love you to pieces. You’ve made me a better person, a better writer. You are just AMAZING.

To my second round betas—Lyndsay, Ashley, Jessica. S, Trisha, Ciara, Danielle. C, Danielle. H, Ros, Christine, Stephanie—Thank you so much for taking the time to read AAO. Thank you for your invaluable feedback. It was so important to me.

Angela… thank you for formatting my baby! You rock. You’re professionalism and warmth is beyond words.

Thank you to Regina from Mae I Designs for the beautiful cover.

Cassie… my glitter girl. Thank you for editing AAO. You’re not only an INCREDIBLE editor but an even more amazing girl. I’m so thrilled that through writing this book I was able to make a friend. You are a fantastic girl and I love having you in my life. I can’t wait to see what you do with Gray’s book. You definitely make books sparkle.

Thank you to the bloggers who have reviewed AAO. You guys make the indie work go round. It’s not easy being a blogger but your passion is so important to authors. You’re all loved and appreciated.

Amy… Schmexy Amy… LOL. Girl you are just BRILLIANT! I heart you HARD. Your support and love means so much to me. Thank you for helping me with the promo for this book. You’ve held my hand. Know that I’ll never, ever forget it.

Rose… Thank you for taking the time to proof AAO! I know you were busy. It meant the world that you took the time to do that. I love you and I’m thankful for you!!!!!

To my daughters… this book is for you. You can’t read it yet but one day you will and I want you to know that mommy never thought she was capable of actually articulating a full story but I DID! I did because I decided that I had NOTHING to lose. When you live life you have to take chances. Sometimes they don’t go as planned but if you TRY you can do ANYTHING! I love you girls with every ounce of my being.

To my husband… THANK YOU for putting up with my craziness. You are my EVERYTHING. My night and day. My moon and stars. You make my world turn. You make my days bright. You give me hope. You love me. There is nothing in this world that compares to the love in my heart that I have for you. Thank you for supporting me and loving me unconditionally. Thank you for being my husband. I’m one lucky girl.

To the readers… **wipes tears** I hope you enjoyed the book. I hope you got the message behind the dysfunction. There is ALWAYS hope. Even in your darkest moment, there’s hope. I want you to know that you can always choose happiness. Even when you feel low, beaten down, and demolished you can fight for your tomorrow. Life has ups and downs. They’re unavoidable. Sometimes they drown us but have HOPE that tomorrow there’ll be a spark of life. FIGHT for your dreams and desires. I love you guys. Thank you for taking a chance and reading my debut. It means EVERYTHING to me.

A multi-tasker from birth—and now proudly able to add ‘writer’ to my resume—I’m a mother, wife and blogger. I love to read, write and drink copious amounts of iced coffee.

All three aforementioned addictions are detrimental to my sanity.

I have a voracious appetite for dark, painful and twisted reads. I’m enamored with the concept of love and heart break. I believe life is a journey, a tale in its own for each of us. The road to happiness is sometimes paved with stones from hell, or glitters of satisfaction graced from the heavens above.

In my debut novel, Against All Odds, I strive to make you feel. I believe any emotion—whether painful or happy—is good. To me, the key to living is to go through life feeling its ups and downs. Love is dark and it can be painful but, at the end of the day, it can save the most lost of souls and the most broken of hearts

Author Links:

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http://angiemckeon.blogspot.com/

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https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7389718.Angie_McKeon