Hopeful

By Louise Bay

Published by Louise Bay 2014

Copyright © 2014 Louise Bay. All rights reserved

Without prejudice to the generality of the foregoing, no part of this publication maybe reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author of this book.

ISBN 978-0-9928918-3-1

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with or sponsored by the trademark owners.

Adult Content Warning

The content you are about to read includes adult language and graphic descriptions of nudity and sexual activity. This book is intended for adult readers 18 years of age and older.

“You pierce my soul.

I am half agony, half hope...

I have loved none but you.”

Contents

Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Epilogue

Playlist

Acknowledgements

Faithful by Louise Bay

What’s Next?

Let’s Connect!

Chapter One

Present

“I thought we were going to the pub, you boring bastards.”

Adam was on one of his increasingly regular rants. Everyone reacted to the Big Three-O differently. Apparently, Adam was going to party as hard as possible and reject any evidence that he wasn’t a kid anymore.

“We’re going when this is over, so shut the fuck up.” The six of us—even Matt and Daniel—were engrossed in sequin-covered, ballroom-dancing celebrities, but Adam was restless. He paced up and down behind us all. He’d been in a bad mood all day.

“Ava, I’m surprised at you, liking this glitter and sequins and dancing shit. You’re such a girl.”

“IQ points are wasted on you, aren’t they? Get lost so we can watch this in peace.” I hated to humor him when he acted like this, but reacting was wasted energy.

“Thank god I’m getting my wingman back for good. I’m going to nail a different girl every day this summer.”

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Daniel said as he headed to the bar. “... won’t mind you picking up his leftovers.”

What did he say?

“No one says 'nail' anymore, Adam.” Leah said. “This isn’t 1996.”

Jules turned to raise her glass to get a top-up from Daniel, the perfect man he was, who had brought the half-empty wine bottle over from the bar. “Has someone not snapped that delicious man up yet?”

Who? What delicious man?

“Nope. And I don’t need his leftovers, so fuck off, Daniel. We’re going to tag team it all across Londontown this summer.”

“Not if I snap him up first!” Jules jiggled on the sofa.

Adam’s mood was not improving. “And you can fuck off, Jules. Don’t go near him when he gets back.”

Joel.

They were talking about Joel. Joel was coming back.

Fuck.

***

It was so hot in the pub that I couldn’t breathe. The sweaters I had on weren’t helping. Nor was the open fire. Nor was the mention of Joel. The conversation had moved on to other things, but I was desperate to know more. When was he coming back? Why was he coming back?

I hadn’t seen him for so long—years. Not since July 10, 2006, if we wanted to be exact.

“You ok, Ava?” Jules asked.

My grin was too wide. “Of course. Just hot.” I was going to have to work on my poker face. And my hearing: I couldn’t hear anything. We were in a little local pub in the middle of nowhere, but it was so loud. Everyone’s voices came out as incomprehensible vowel sounds. Maybe I was coming down with something. I just wanted to get back to the house and crawl into bed, but I was designated driver. Thank god we were all going home soon. I needed some space, some time to think.

Tomorrow was the end of our annual weekend away. Since University, we all got together every Easter. It had started as just a Sunday lunch and, over the years, had morphed into a weekend in the country. Daniel had become the richest man in England—technically, I think he was the third richest man under 40 in England, but whatever he was, he was far richer than the rest of us. He found us increasingly glamorous places to stay, which he insisted on paying for. At first we resisted, but it had been futile and we had all long since given in. He was just ridiculously rich. This year we were in a beautiful old castle in Scotland that had turrets and sweeping driveways and staff. It felt like a hotel, but with only us as guests. I’m not sure why we’d even come to the pub—we had a cook back at our castle.

It was a comforting ritual. Various girlfriends and boyfriends came and went, but the six of us were together every year. This year Daniel brought Leah; I wondered if by this time next year they would be married. They hadn’t been together long but they were perfect together.

Neither Jules nor Adam had significant others this year. Jules had disposed of her latest victim last month, and Adam, for all his talk, was still licking his wounds over his girlfriend of five years rejecting his proposal this time last year. I’m not sure if he really was out “nailing” half of London, but I doubted it. He had never been good at casual sex. He was far too needy—one of several reasons there would never be anything romantic between us. We were teased about it from time to time. Matt and Hanna were convinced Adam and I would end up together, but Matt and Hanna wanted everyone paired off as soon as possible. They had been together since the first term at University and married just after graduation. They wanted everyone to be as settled as them, in the nicest possible way. They were so happy and wished that for everyone in their orbit. They had been the constant in our group—like the patient parents of four unruly children.

I’d never brought anyone along to our annual weekend in the country, but I’d never liked anyone enough to let him into this private world. Not since Joel.

Joel. God, I had to get out of there. My head was full of him. Over the past eight years, I’d pushed him to the very corners of my memory. Within weeks of his leaving, I had started my training for one of the best law firms in the country, first at law school and then on the job. I had loved the long hours, the lack of sleep, the mostly unspoken competition between the junior lawyers, the whole brutality of the culture. It was my punishment. In those first few years I didn’t see much of our little group; I deliberately kept my distance. I’d joined in on the odd night out, and of course we did our annual Easter thing, but generally it was all too painful. It reminded me too much of our shared history and of what was missing, who was missing. Work was the perfect excuse, and nobody questioned my absence, really. After a couple of years I had bought my first flat in Clapham, which was where Hanna and Matt lived, and slowly I began seeing more of them and then more of Adam and then everyone. I restarted my life outside work.

Of course, I didn’t date. Not even a little. There were times that my lack of sex life was questioned. Jules regularly asked me if I was shagging my boss and Adam occasionally enquired whether I was a closeted lesbian. But eventually my singledom stopped being a topic of conversation. Hanna and Matt were married; Daniel had been in New York, married to his now ex-wife, George; Jules was a serial monogamist; Adam was a pretend serial shagger either side of a long-term girlfriend. And I was single. That’s just how we were. That’s how we saw each other and ourselves.

Joel’s return threatened to put a proverbial cat among the Clapham pigeons.

Past

Joel was Adam’s friend, initially. They were classmates—both economists—while the rest of us were thrown together in the same block of bedrooms in the dorm. Joel lived on his own off campus, so I’d only see fleeting glimpses of him when he came to visit Adam. On nights out, he would sometimes be there, but he seemed always slightly at arm’s length from the rest of us. He and Adam were kind of a package deal. Whereas the rest of us were all firsthand friends, Joel was a secondhand friend—we knew him only through Adam. This thought only struck me when I saw him for the first time without Adam.

It was midmorning in the library at the beginning of our final year, it was packed, and I was desperately trying to find a desk. I had two or three secret spots on the first floor that were so tucked away that I could always guarantee one of them would be empty, but not that day. I’d been forced off the first floor that held the law library to the third floor when I spotted him. That was when I realized I didn’t really know Joel. He was just familiar. I stood, half-concealed by a bookshelf, and watched him, his head bowed and his forehead creased, flicking between two books as if they were saying completely opposing things and he was trying to make sense of it. There was a space open opposite him; I wanted to grab it before anyone else did, but I felt awkward, shy almost. Looking—no staring—at him from this distance, I took him in. I usually avoided looking at him, desperate to ensure I didn’t become one of the quivering women that seemed to be constantly buzzing around him. He had developed a bit of a half-beard, which made him look even more masculine than usual. He still had his summer tan, and his shirt clung to his broad chest. His sleeves were pushed up, emphasizing his strong arms and his very capable-looking hands. Had he always been this handsome? Totally out of my league.

As if he could feel someone watching him he raised his head, and I knew I should look away and busy myself with the bookshelf in front of me, but I couldn’t. His eyes found mine and he broke into a grin. I forced a goofy smile back, did a stupid half-wave, and walked toward him. Jesus, I was pathetic.

And that’s how it started; Joel became my firsthand friend.

“Hey, Ava. You studying or picking up books?”

“I’m trying to find a spare desk to start my thesis but the world’s conspiring against me. This library’s packed!” My voice was a least half an octave higher than any sane person. Calm the hell down, Ava.

“What bad luck. And that free desk in front of you right now is completely useless? Anyone who sits there will be infected by a curse which will cause them to fail their finals?”

“You heard that, too? Well, coming from an economist, I suppose I have to believe it—I thought it was just a rumor. See you around.” I pulled my eyes away from his and turned to leave.

“Sit, Ava.”

I said nothing, avoiding his eyes, and I set out my books and papers and opened my laptop.

I’d always recognized Joel as being attractive. That was just an indisputable fact; acknowledged by men and women alike. He was well over six feet tall, had a swimmer’s body and that slightly longer, messy hair that just begged to be tousled. The boys would tease him about being pretty and the girls would flirt with him as a matter of course. It was his confidence that sealed the deal. I’m not sure if he was confident because he was so gorgeous or gorgeous because he was so confident. He wasn’t cocky or arrogant, and he didn’t enjoy other people’s misery or disaster. He was just very comfortable with who he was—or so it seemed.

The world Joel inhabited wasn’t like most people’s: It was a privileged existence. He was served at the bar before others, strangers smiled at him in the street, and shop assistants were at his beck and call. From the outside, the sun just seemed to shine a bit brighter in his world. I had never resented his smoother path in life, never thought it was unfair. I just knew it to be different from the world I lived in, and I understood that our worlds wouldn’t collide. But sitting opposite him did bring our worlds into convergence, just a little. I watched from behind my hair as people stopped by his desk to do that weird boy handshake stuff, bat their eyelashes (women mainly, but not exclusively) and even library staff acknowledged him with an air of deference. None of his visitors gave me a second look. To my embarrassment, every now and again Joel caught me distractedly looking at his interactions with his numerous admirers. He said not a word when he caught me; he just offered the occasional smirk.

Despite the floorshow right in front of me, I managed to achieve more than I expected. Joel always had good grades; I’d assumed these always came easily to him, like the rest of his life, but it seemed that, like the rest of us, he had to work hard to do well in class. So when his admirers weren’t looking, Joel worked hard—really hard. Now, I wasn’t competitive, but I wasn’t letting a pretty boy like Joel out-study me. I took fewer breaks than usual, which may have had something to do with my view, but more than that, I wanted him to know I worked hard, too.

At lunchtime, one of his almost equally attractive friends came to over to ask him to grab a snack. Unexpectedly, he asked me to join them and I hastily refused. I needed a break from study, but I also needed a break from being so close to him.

At just after seven I was ready to throw in the towel. Joel looked totally consumed by what he was doing—it looked complicated with graphs and numbers stuff. Without saying anything, I started packing up my stuff. As I closed my laptop, he looked up.

“Hey, are you going? I’ll come with you.” He looked exhausted.

“You stay. You look engrossed.”

“No, I’m done. I’ll walk you back.” He collapsed back in his chair and ran his hands through his hair.

“Adam will be around, I imagine.” Joel just looked at me and frowned.

Silently we gathered our stuff and headed out.

Following the pedestrian path back to the dorms, neither of us had uttered a word.

“So, you work hard?” I blurted. I wasn’t as comfortable with the silence as Joel seemed to be.

Joel threw his head back and laughed. “Yes, I work hard. You sound shocked. Did you think I had my work done by someone else?”

“No. Sorry. No, I just thought it would have come easily to you or something.”

He bent his head to my ear. “Nothing worth having comes easy, Ava.”

I could feel the warmth in my cheeks. Was he flirting with me? I kept my eyes fixed on the path in front of me. I heard him laugh again. He was making fun of me. Great.

“Maybe that’s true for most of us,” I said.

“Who’s that not true of?”

“All I’m saying is that life is easier for some people. The planets align for some but not others.”

“Oh wow, you’re one of those.” He was laughing again.

“One of what? Don’t laugh at me!” I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Come on,” he said. He pulled my backpack off me and tossed it over his shoulder. “It’s just girls have this fascination with astrology that I’ve never quite understood.”

I could feel my temperature rising and my face contorted into a scowl.

“I’m not ’one of those,’ as you put it.” I could tell by his face that he knew I was mad as hell. “I wasn’t talking about fucking astrology, about whether you’ll get a better job because you are a Leo and not a fucking Virgo; I was talking about some people’s lot in life being easier than others. It’s a fact. Attractive people are more likely to be promoted at work, less likely to get depression, etc. etc. There have been scientific studies about it. I’m not talking about fucking astrology.”

Joel had stopped laughing but his smile was still there. He had a strange look on his face, as if he was saying something to me in his head but the words weren’t coming out.

“What?!” I started walking.

In two of his very long strides he had caught up with me “Well, I ... It’s just. You’re right. I’m sorry. I misunderstood you.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.” I giggled at our to and fro.

“Oh, and you’re cute when you swear.”

I swatted him on the arm.

“And you think I’m attractive. Nice.”

I swatted him twice on the arm.

Back at the dorm, we bumped into Adam coming out of the block door.

“Hey, I just called you. We’re off to the pub. Are you coming, Joel? Where have you two been? Come on, let’s go.”

I walked straight past them both and toward my room.

“Let me drop off Ava’s bag and I’ll follow you up.” I heard Joel say as I kicked off my shoes and collapsed on my bed.

Joel knocked on the open door. “Are you decent or shall I come back later?”

“Thanks for carrying my books back.”

“It was my pleasure. You’re a great study partner, and you’re very easy to wind up. It’s a winning combination. Let’s do it again sometime.”

Anytime, I thought. I could be top of the class if I studied as intently as I did when Joel was around.

“Sure. I’m going to have to live in the library this term if I’m going to get my thesis done.”

“Ok, I’ll pick you up tomorrow.”

Was he serious? “Ok.”

“Ok.” He grinned.

“Get out of here, loser.” I giggled. He was pretty and funny. Bloody hell. He should share some of it with others. Why did it end up concentrated in just one guy?

True to his word, Joel picked me up and walked me to the library the next morning, and then walked me home that evening. The next day was the same. And just like that we were in each other’s lives.

Our conversation was restricted to the walks to and from the library at first, but then we started to take lunch together and then the odd break. Pretty quickly, Joel was the person I spent the most time with out of all the friends I had at University, including the roommates I lived with. More than that, he was the one I wanted to spend every waking moment with. As well as being great eye candy and making me laugh all the time, he was kind and thoughtful. Not just to me, but also to everyone he came across.

After that second day together in the library, I never bothered pretending to look for a desk on the first floor. I just went to our desk on the third floor. Of course, library study was interrupted by lectures and tutorials, but the first day that Joel and I went to the library separately, I wandered up to our desk and found a jacket on the chair opposite and a couple of books on the desk. My heart sank. He had a new desk mate.

“Hey, Ava,” Joel said in a loud whisper.

“Hey.” I faked a smile.

“How were lectures?”

“Good. Hard but good.”

“Ok. You’d better sit down and study, then.” God, I was interrupting him. How embarrassing.

“Yes, thanks Dad. I’m going to find a free desk.”

“But I saved your spot.” He’d saved me a seat. He’d saved me a seat! I really shouldn’t have been so excited.

“Ok, thanks.”

“Ok, you’re welcome.” He grinned his gorgeous grin at me.

“Ok, you loser.” I couldn’t help but grin back.

I pulled out my papers and laptop and got to work. About an hour into things, my concentration was beginning to waver and my imagination started to wander across the desk. I wondered what he was like in lectures. Did he sit at the front with his hand up all the time, or was he at the back ignoring the lecturer and flirting with whatever girl was next to him? A scrunched up ball of paper hitting my keyboard pulled me back into reality. I looked up and Joel was grinning at me. He nodded his head in the direction of the bookshelves next to him.

“What?” I mouthed. Joel just nodded his head more vigorously. I strained my head but I could see anything. “What?” I mouthed again. “Come here,” he mouthed back. I pushed my chair away from my desk and walked around our table toward him with my back to where he was nodding. What was he pointing to? Why was he being so cagey? He patted his desk and I leaned against his desk, my fingers gripping the wood either side of me. “What?” I mouthed again. He made a come here motion with his finger so I bent forward. Wow, he smelled good.

“Some people have more of a physical approach to studying than we do. Look to your right,” Joel whispered.

As subtly as I could I turned my head and through the books I saw a very amorous couple who clearly thought they were better hidden than they were. They were kissing fervently, as if any moment they would be pulled apart and would never see each other again, their hands desperately running across each other’s bodies, feeling each other’s contours through their clothes. I couldn’t pull my eyes away.

“You like to watch,” Joel whispered. It wasn’t a question.

He was so close to me that my skin prickled at his breath on my neck. In that moment, all I wanted was for Joel to kiss me like the guy I was watching was kissing his girl. My heart pounded and I was conscious of my skin tightening across my body.

“Oh my,” I finally managed. “I guess it’s a good way to blow off steam for them. Like, stress relief or something.” I was scrambling for words.

“Wanna give it a try?” My head flicked back to Joel, whose eyes were twinkling at me.

“Don’t you twinkle at me, Joel Wentworth.” I faked a dose of haughtiness and went back to my seat.

“What? I’m just thinking about your stress levels.”

“Ok, well thanks for the offer.”

“Ok, well anytime.” He raised his eyebrows and gave me that ridiculously handsome grin.

Oh my was right. I put my head down and did a great impression of someone studying extraordinarily hard. There was no ambiguity. Joel was flirting with me, and furthermore, I was enjoying him flirting with me. I had to remind myself that Joel couldn’t help but flirt. He was genetically programmed to spread his charm and good looks around. I had to become impervious to his charms. It wasn’t personal; it was just Joel.

Present

Now Joel was coming back. No doubt he hadn’t lost any of his charm or good looks. I had spent the last eight years working hard to put my career front and center in my life, dodging any personal complications. I could control my career—the harder I worked, the more success I had. It balanced out the fact that I didn’t have anyone special in my life. Of course, I’d tried; in the beginning, I’d been on a few dates. But my heart wasn’t in it. I wanted Joel; I was in love with Joel, and no one else quite measured up. Adam provided my male company and came along to black tie events and dinners when I needed a plus one. I managed to piece together a reality that worked for me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t in love—I was. It was just that my love just wasn’t in my life. Love hadn’t been enough.

The thought of coming face to face with Joel brought the realization that my reality was twisted. It was eight years since I had had any contact with him, but I still thought of Joel as being with me because he was with me in my head and in my heart. I still had conversations with him in my head. I still smiled when I saw people PDAing because I knew it would make Joel smile. I still followed his progress avidly, either from snippets from Adam or Matt or whatever my Google alert threw out. It was as if we were having a long distance relationship, but I was the only participant.

On July 10, 2006, Joel left for New York and I’d never seen him again. Never even spoken to him. I don’t know if I’d expected him to come back before now. I suppose I had. I had assumed there would be some sort of resolution between us. Either he would come back, forgive me, declare that he couldn’t be without me, and we would live happily ever after—or I would fall out of love with him. Neither happened, but I still kept waiting.

Of course, he had come back to London to visit, on work trips from what I could make out, but I’d always managed to be busy or away, and because no one knew about Joel and me, no one said anything. Now he would be back for good and I wouldn’t be able to dodge him. My brain, which I’d managed to trick into thinking I was happy, thinking I could live with a one-sided long-distance relationship, was faced with reality. Shit. I needed Jules’s help. I needed to date, get a boyfriend. Something.

Panic flooded through me, and when I was panicked, there was only one thing to do. Take positive action. I was good in a crisis and I was going to have to be.

“Jules, hi. So, I need your help.”

“Anything. What I can do for you?”

“So, you know you’re on those Internet dating sites.”

“Oh. My. God. I’ve finally broken you, haven’t I?” Jules screamed. She was always begging me to start Internet dating. “You know it’s the only way to meet someone in London. This is going to be great.”

“I haven’t even said anything yet.”

“I can hear the resignation in your voice.”

“Ok, so will you help me put myself online, or whatever I have to do?”

“I so will. Tomorrow night. You bring the wine, I’ll bring my laptop. This is going to be so much fun.”

“Fine, whatever. Don’t tell anyone. Don’t tell Adam.” I didn’t want Adam to know because I didn’t want him to tell Joel. I didn’t want Joel to think that I was some sad spinster that couldn’t get a date.

“Because you two are having a secret affair?”

“Because he will tease the shit out of me. Please Jules.” I was whining. I irritated myself when I whined.

“Fine. Whatever. No need to get your knickers in a twist.”

I put down the phone and immediately felt sick. Christ. I was going to have to get over him before he got over here.

Chapter Two

Past

“How was the mock exam?” Joel asked.

He and I were on a break in the cafeteria.

“It was blah”

“Blah?” he asked. I nodded. “You’re a freak.”

“I’m a freak? Because my mock was blah?”

Joel nodded.

“Ok,” I said.

“That’s it?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want me to tell me how your mock went, you freak.”

I laughed at his exasperation. “It was neither good nor bad.”

“Oh, well, that explains everything.”

“What? It was a European Law exam. How much detail do you want?”

“Well, did you get the question on the difference between direct effect and direct applicability in relation to the antitrust stuff?”

I didn’t respond straight away. Joel looked at me expectantly.

I raised my eyebrows. “And you think I’m the freak?”

“Hey, why am I a freak?” He looked hurt.

“You’re a freak because A, you are a geek about economics and B, because you know way too much about my exams. And yes, I did get the question.”

“I knew it.” He punched the air.

“A geeky freak.”

“I’ll take that.” He grinned.

At University, everyone was so wrapped up in their own worlds that no one noticed that Joel and I were spending time together. Adam just put it down to our shared geek like tendencies. He loved that maybe he could be cooler that Joel, although I suspected he really knew that could never be the case. He lacked the fundamental confidence that Joel had. I suppose our friends didn’t really see our time together, so it didn’t register. They saw him picking me up and dropping me off every now and then. Ok, most evenings Joel dropped me off. But because most of the time he then caught up with Adam, it looked like that was why he was there. With me.

Also, it wasn’t like we were dating. We were study buddies. He was a ridiculously handsome study buddy, but no one, including myself, thought for a moment it would be more than that. He was way out of my league. I barely ever wore make up. I didn’t give a shit what I wore, as long as it was warm. I couldn’t remember the last time I got my hair cut—it just hung down my back. I didn’t bother blow drying it as it took too long. The girls that Joel and Adam surrounded themselves with were well groomed, pretty, vivacious, always ready to laugh at their jokes. Those girls were almost a different species. I didn’t resent them and they didn’t notice me—that’s just how it was.

Joel’s flirting with me continued and I continued to pretend to be impervious to his charms. The actual imperviousness wasn’t going too well. I thought he was devastatingly attractive, of course, but more than that, I liked him. I liked spending time with him. I wanted to share my news with him and I wanted to hear all about his life outside the library.

Around mid-term, as was our normal practice for the weekend, I waited for Joel to pick me up on the way to the library. He always knocked very lightly, aware that most of my roommates would be asleep for hours yet. It was a sweet, thoughtful habit and it always made me smile.

“Hey, come in. Sorry I’m not packed up yet.” I was leaning across my desk to gather my papers.

“God, you look beautiful in this light, Ava.” His voice was soft and serious and I turned to face him, wondering if I’d heard him right. His eyes were on mine, looking at me intently.

I turned away, embarrassed. “No I don’t,” I mumbled, reaching for my bag to begin packing up my books.

“Yes. Yes, you do.” He’d moved toward me and I felt him behind me. I stood frozen as he ran his hand down my arm.

“Joel.” My small voice cracked.

“Turn around, Ava.”

I was sure my face was a mixture of pure terror and pure lust. Was this really happening? Joel didn’t pick girls like me.

Reluctantly, I turned around. I didn’t dare make eye contact.

“Ava,” he said again as he brought his hand to my throat, and then behind my hair as he cupped the back of my neck. Our foreheads met and our breath mingled. We stayed like that for a long moment, on the brink of something. My breath came shorter. I brought my hands up to rest on his chest. Oh lord, that chest. I’d sat across from his magnificent chest for the last few weeks, imagining how it would feel to touch, stroke, kiss. It most definitely lived up to every expectation, broad and hard. I daren’t move, worried I would lose control and not be able to stop what he had started.

He slowly pulled his forehead from mine and replaced it with his mouth, kissing me lightly. My eyes closed as I stood still. His head dipped to my neck and placed feather light kisses down from my ear to my collarbone. I gasped, and as if he had been holding back until that moment, he found my mouth urgently and pressed me to him.

“Please don’t tell anyone,” I blurted as I pulled back from his kiss and spoke into his lips that were hovering over mine. He pulled me toward him again, silencing me. He ran his tongue along my bottom lip, placing light kisses at each corner of my mouth. I moaned as I let my tongue be surrounded by his. His arms moved around my back and his splayed hands roamed behind me, pulled me into him so there were no gaps between where he ended and I began. His kiss deepened and I felt him thicken against my stomach. I reached into his hair and he groaned. Was I really making him groan? Slowly, I let my hands move across his shirt and up to his shoulders. I wanted to feel every part of him.

Suddenly he broke our kiss. Had I taken things too far? I froze, our eyes locked on each other.

“You taste even better than I imagined. You’re so soft.” He sighed and then dropped another soft kiss on my lips, and then another at the corner of my mouth, and then another. My hands recommenced their exploration of his shoulders and then neck.

“You imagined this?” The chemistry that I had felt between us all these weeks hadn’t been all in my head. It wasn’t just the normal Joel Wentworth charm. It had been meant for me. And right now he was kissing me out of my shoes.

“Oh, I’ve been having very inappropriate thoughts about you, Ava Elliot.” My stomach flipped and I let my head fall back and his mouth fell on my neck. His tongue trailed across my skin between kisses. The sensation was excruciating. I thought I would burst.

“Stress relief, huh?” I mumbled.

“Something like that.”

I caught his bottom lip between mine and he drew his hands from my back into my hair.

The kiss seemed to go on for days, and I was happy to stay there until graduation. A bang of a bedroom door upstairs made me jump and we both looked at my closed door toward the sound.

“What was that?” He intertwined my fingers with his.

“Probably Adam. He’s so noisy.”

Joel chuckled and looked back at me.

“So,” I said trying to fill the silence.

“So ...” he bent down to whisper in my ear. God, his breath on my neck felt so good. I leaned into him and felt him through his trousers against my stomach.

“Hmmm,” was all I could manage.

Joel jerked away. “So, stop distracting me. Come on. Library.” He swatted my bottom and I jumped at his sudden change in direction. “Study break is over. If I stay in this room alone with you another moment, I may never leave.” He grinned at me and I grinned back. My heart grew twice as big in my chest as we collected my stuff and he put my rucksack over his shoulder and guided me, with his hand on my lower back, out of my room.

Present

My day in the office had been a complete write off. I just couldn’t think about anything except Joel. When was he coming back? How would I feel when I saw him? How quickly could I get a boyfriend? It was going over and over in my head. I’d sat through a meeting for two hours and came out without a clue of what had happened and no notes to rely on. I sent an email with at least ninety typos in it to a partner and he’d completely bawled me out. I was a liability. Tonight Jules was coming over to help me with my dating profile, so I left work as soon as I could and headed home.

Jules worked in PR and apparently could come and go as she pleased. She arrived about three minutes after I’d changed into leggings and my favorite (very worn) sweater. My style had evolved since University; I found I quite liked fashion. At work I liked shift dresses with higher-than-high heels and bold jewelry. My hair had a style: long layers that made the most of my natural wave, with lowlights done by an actual hairdresser. At University, I had been known to cut off my own split ends. But we had all grown up. You couldn’t live in jeans and sneakers your whole life. When I’d seen pictures of Joel on the Internet at the beginning of his meteoric rise as a successful entrepreneur, it seemed odd to see him in a suit. I’d never seen him in anything but casual clothes. He had that innate style gene that some people just seemed to be born with. He always looked so great. But in a suit, he looked like something else. God, I hope he doesn’t wear a suit when he’s back in London.

Yeah, Ava, very realistic.

Jules could open a bottle of wine quicker than anyone could. Before I could say, “But is he marriage material?” we’d polished off our first glasses and I had a profile on a well-known Internet dating site. Jules was a lot more excited than I was. It was a means to an end for me. I needed to get over Joel. I’d had eight years, but now I had to do it almost overnight.

“Oh, this guy seems perfect for you. Complete workaholic.”

“Jules, I’m not a workaholic. I just do work, rather than party, for a living.”

“Whatever. You’re going to need a guy that understands how important your career is to you. Most guys won’t want to marry a career-focused overachiever. You’ll intimidate them. That’s why you’ve been single for so long.”

“Really, Jules, that’s just too many compliments at one time. I’m blushing.”

“You know what I mean.”

It was a good thing Jules and I had been friends for as long as we had. She could get away with talking to me like that. And she wasn’t so wrong.

“And who said I wanted to marry the guy? Let’s just find someone hot.”

“Making up for lost time, I see. That’s my girl.” Jules was right again. Eight years of lost time. “What about this one? He sounds nice. Accountant, good-looking, sporty. What’s not to like? Wink at him! He’s online now.” Oh Jesus. Was I really going to do this? “There I’ve done it for you.”

Jules winked at three more guys and then gossip took over.

“So my new boss’ boss is totally hot,” she said.

“The married guy?”

“Just because he’s married, Ava, doesn’t mean he’s not hot.”

“Yes, but it does mean that you shouldn’t be thinking he’s hot.”

“Why not? I’m not saying I’m going to start dry humping him at team meetings. I just think he’s hot. No big deal.” But it was a big deal. Jules had had an affair with a married man before and, big surprise, it hadn’t ended well. She shrugged it off now, but at the time she was broken. It had been heartbreaking to watch. She really thought she was going to marry the guy—when he left his wife, that was.

“And, anyway, with Joel back in town, I’ll have plenty to distract me this summer.” Jules grinned from ear to ear. Nausea washed over me. Jules and Joel together would be my worst nightmare.

“So he’s not bringing a wife or girlfriend?” Was that subtle?

“Not from what Adam was saying. I think he’s pretty wrapped up in his business, and now that it’s gone global he wants to be based in London. I don’t think he’d move if he had commitments in New York. Right?”

“I guess.”

“You guys were close at Uni, weren’t you? Haven’t you spoken to him at all?” I felt myself redden at Jules’ question. How did I answer without giving anything away?

“Not spoken to him for ages,” I mumbled.

“But you were close, though? You had such a crush on him!”

“What are you talking about? We were study buddies!” I got up to go to the fridge to get some more wine, hoping to change the course of the conversation.

“You so did! Oh my god. I remember now!” Jules was bouncing in her seat. “Didn’t you kiss him in that nightclub at Adam’s 21st Birthday?”

“What? You’re delusional. Like you’d remember anything from that night. We were all completely hammered. You slept on your doorstep.”

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Oh my god, yes, you were trying to get away from Adam because you’d shagged him and left him lovesick.”

“Shut up. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I had part of my brain removed so I didn’t have to remember that particular disaster.”

I giggled at the memory.

“Saved by the bell. Will the accountant from Holland Park just winked back at you.”

Three glasses of wine convinced me it was a good idea for Will and me to meet up later that week for a drink when he asked me over email. And when Bruce, an architect from Hoxton, suggested drinks on Wednesday, I thought in for a penny, in for a pound and said yes straight away, much to Jules’ shock. Two dates in one week. Operation: Get Over Joel was in full flow.

***

Tuesday came around really quickly and before I knew it I was headed for a bar in Soho to meet Will. It felt like business.

I saw him as soon as I entered the bar. He wasn’t twenty years older than his photo suggested, so that was promising. Tick. He looked up and his eyes found mine. He smiled and stood up. He was tall. Tick.

“Ava?”

“Yes. Will?” Ava and Will, Ava and Will? Did it sound right in my head? It didn’t sound wrong. Tick.

He leaned toward me and kissed both cheeks.

“Can I get you a drink?” he asked.

“Sure, what are you having?”

“A beer, but I’m happy to share a bottle of wine if you’d like. Have a look at the list.”

Likes wine. Tick.

“Ok, that sounds good.” Did I want to commit to a whole bottle? Don’t over think it. “You choose.”

“Red or white?”

“Don’t mind. I’ll leave it to you.”

“Oh, is this my first test?” he asked. I looked up and found Will grinning at me and I couldn’t help but return his smile.

“Not your first,” I deadpanned.

“Oh, I see. How am I doing so far?” he asked, still grinning.

“All test results are confidential until the end of the evening.” My smile was genuine.

“Ok, playing it cool. I can work with that.”

“You like tests?”

“I’m an accountant. The only people who sit more tests than we do are lawyers. We have to like tests. Right? I’ve never failed one yet.”

Doesn’t take himself too seriously. Flirty. Tick, tick.

The waitress was at our table. “We’ll have a bottle of the New Zealand 1996 pinot noir.” He looked at me while he ordered. He was confident that this was a test he would pass. He was right. Not a cheap bottle, but not the most expensive. Not an obvious choice if you were trying to impress. Tick.

The conversation was easy between us. I had no expectations and I wasn’t trying to pass any test that he was giving me.

“So, have you been single for long?” I asked the question that I didn’t really want anyone to ask me.

“About nine months. You?”

“Longer.”

“Longer?”

“Yup. What happened with your breakup?”

“Are we ready for the previous relationship talk?”

“Do we not do that on a first date? It’s been a while. You’ll have to refresh my memory of the rules.”

“I think technically it’s frowned upon, but hey, let’s go crazy.”

“You’re a Prince fan?”

“Of course, aren’t you?”

I laughed. “Isn’t everyone?”

“So your previous girlfriend, did she find out you were an axe murderer?”

“No, that’s a secret I hope to take to my grave. We just were going in different directions. We’re still friends, though.”

“Still friends? Really? Is that possible?”

“Well, we didn’t cheat on each other. I can’t say we didn’t hurt each other, but we got out before it got too bad.” That sounded, I don’t know, healthy or something. I wasn’t sure if it was a trick or if he was lying to me. Maybe he wanted her back and Internet dating was just a distraction, but from the glass house I was sitting in, I wasn’t about to throw stones. We continued to swap stories until our glasses were drained dry.

“Do you want another bottle?” Will asked. How did we drink a whole bottle?

“Are we finished already?”

“Time flies.”

“It’s true. It does and I did—have fun, that is—but let’s quit while we’re ahead.” I smiled. I’d really enjoyed the evening.

“Does this mean I failed your tests?”

“No, it means I have an early morning.”

“Can I take you to dinner another time to discuss my results?”

“You can take me to dinner another time ...”

He grinned. “Is the weekend too soon?”

“I can do Sunday night.”

“Ok. I’ll text you.”

I smiled all the way home. This wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

When I got home, I logged on and found I’d been winked at a couple of times. A mixture of the pinot noir and the thought that this dating thing might actually be quite fun led to me agreeing to two more dates. I was on a roll.

***

Wednesday night shattered my illusions that dating was going to be fun. When I first arrived, I didn’t immediately see Bruce. He had lost a lot of hair since his profile picture had been taken. Some men can carry that off, but Bruce wasn’t one of them. He’d clearly not gotten the universal memo sent out to all men annually since 1990 explaining that if you suffered from hair loss, you have to cut it very, very short. That, combined with the fact that an hour in and I’d not yet found a sense of humor, meant that Bruce wasn’t the date of the century.

How long do I have to stay before I can leave?

“Aves?” my mind had wandered. What had he been talking about? And why was he calling me Aves?

“Sorry?”

“Am I boring you?” He was getting haughty. I’d clearly upset him.

“No, sorry, I’m just distracted. It’s been a difficult day.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, being a lawyer is so much more stressful than being an architect.”

Was I being rude or was he? “Sorry, I wasn’t trying to imply anything.”

“I need to loosen you up. Let’s get another drink inside you.” He snapped his fingers to get the attention of a waitress and that was my cue—dull was acceptable and he could always cut his hair, but if he was the kind of man who was snapping his fingers at anyone, he wasn’t the man for me.

“I’m afraid I can’t stay, Bruce. I’m going to have to head off.”

“Jesus. What a waste of a night. You’re a bitch. No wonder you’re single. And don’t think I’m paying for that glass of wine you’ve drunk.” He was making this way too easy for me.

“It’s been a pleasure, Bruce.” I fished out a twenty from my purse, laid it on the table, and walked out. I knew this Internet dating thing couldn’t be as easy as the previous evening had made it seem.

I took advantage of a quiet spell at work, and the week I had to Get Over Joel, and crammed in two more dates before the weekend rolled around. I shouldn’t have bothered. Andrew was okay. Okay if you could forgive him the fact that his voice made David Beckham sound like a baritone. And then there was that part of the evening when he spoke to my chest. And when I say “that part of the evening,” I mean the entire evening. I may have great boobs, but I like a man to look at my face for at least part of our first conversation.

The final date of the week was with David. David lived with his mother. I wanted to be open minded, I really did, but to live with your mother at 35? He explained that it was only temporary while he found a place to buy, but they’d clearly been living together for years. Come on. Your mother?

Will was definitely the best of a bad bunch. He was funny, charming. He had a job and his own teeth. What more could a girl wish for?

Chapter Three

Past

The ten minute post-kiss walk to the library seemed to be over in about ten seconds. I had to hold myself back from reaching across to touch him. I wanted to fast forward and find out what happened next. I had so many questions: Was the kiss a one-off? What were his inappropriate thoughts?

We found our desk and set up our laptops as usual. I couldn’t risk a glance in Joel’s direction. I was sure my thoughts were written all over my face. I must concentrate on studying. It took me ages to settle down, but eventually I focused on my thesis and I genuinely jumped several hours later when another scrunched up piece of paper hit my keyboard. Joel was grinning at me when I looked up. He pointed at my computer and mouthed “email” at me. My stomach flipped over.

J: You wanna grab lunch?

He’d written it over an hour ago. I looked back at him, trying desperately to suppress my grin. I half-nodded and shrugged my shoulders. Joel started typing and another email popped up

J: Is that a yes?

A: Yes that’s a yes. You want it in writing?

J: I thought lawyers liked everything in writing.

A: Yes, but I’m the lawyer.

J: Good point. You’re going to be an excellent one. Let’s go.

I looked up and found Joel grinning at me, clearly pleased at his teasing. I rolled my eyes and started to get my stuff together for lunch. I had to assume the kiss was a one-off right? We were friends and were spending a lot of time together, so lines were crossed sometimes. Right? Nothing to get excited about, please move along. At least it wasn’t going to be weird. He had asked me to lunch, so we were still friends. I took a deep breath and we headed out.

The library cafeteria was crammed. Everyone started Monday with good studying intentions, it seemed. We fought our way through the crowds and Joel spotted a table in the corner by the windows where we set down our trays.

“Wow, it’s busy.”

Joel nodded, his mouth full of lasagna.

“Hey, Joel.” One of the rugby players had found us. A constant stream of interruptions was normal when we were in the café. Of course, none of them were here to speak to me. I got the odd “Hey” or a nod, but generally I was ignored, which was fine by me. After various discussions of what the plan was for a party later in the week, it was just Joel and me again and a busy cafeteria.

“So, I enjoyed kissing you this morning,” he said. I had just taken a bite of my apple. God I was going to choke. He enjoyed kissing me this morning? I raised my eyebrows and gave a half-nod, unable to speak—and not only because my mouth was full.

Joel grinned. “Was that I enjoyed kissing you, too, in Ava-speak?”

I swallowed and grinned back at him. “You want it in writing?”

Joel tipped his head back and gave a full throaty laugh. I felt great that I could make him laugh like that. “Come on let’s go.”

***

The next morning, Joel didn’t pick me up, which was normal for a Tuesday—something about the Modern History of European Macroeconomics—but I was still disappointed. He’d left the library the previous afternoon for hockey practice. Part of me hoped that he would skip lectures this morning and come and kiss me again. But without Joel to distract me, I quickly buried myself in work.

I felt him before I saw him. My skin tightened all over. A few seconds later, his bag landed on his desk opposite mine. I grinned that I’d sensed his presence and looked up under my lashes at him. He was grinning back. He had my favorite blue T-shirt on and his hair was particularly scruffy today. I knew that was a sign that he had been thinking hard. His hair always took the brunt. As Joel unpacked his backpack, I kept trying to suppress my smile, but it kept popping back up. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Joel grinning to himself as well.

It took all my energy to refocus on my work, but knowing where Joel was settled me. I was so engrossed that I hadn’t noticed when several hours later Joel came around to my side of the desk.

“Hey ...” He was behind me, whispering in my ear, and his voice combined with his proximity and his smell was overwhelming. I closed my eyes and smiled. It took everything I had not to groan. Oh my god, what was he doing to me?

“Hey you,” I whispered back.

When I opened my eyes he had returned to his side of the table, setting down some books while looking straight at me. I felt myself blush and I went back to my studying. This man was under my skin.

I was researching some background to one of the cases I was working on, going through Hansard, when an email popped up.

J: You look like you’re working hard.

A: Yes, that’s what the library’s for. Stop distracting me with inane observations.

J: You started it.

A: You emailed me!

J: Only because you’re so distracting.

Oh my. He was cute.

A: That, I can’t help you with.

J: Oh, but I think you can.

A: I can?

J: What are you up to after this?

A: Sleep?

J: I can think of something way better.

A: I love to sleep.

J: Waaaaay better.

A: Chocolate?

J: Waaaaaaaay better.

A: Better than sleep or chocolate ... vodka?

J: You’re really going to make me work this hard?

A: I don’t know what you mean.

J: Let me cook dinner for you tonight. At my place.

Was I ready for ‘dinner’? We’d only kissed once. I knew I liked him, but this seemed fast. I wasn’t sure I was ready to be one of the notches on Joel’s bedpost. But I was excited. Excited to spend time with him.

A: What are you cooking?

J: Chicken.

A: Chicken? Just chicken? Sounds delicious...

J: It is delicious. It’s my mom’s recipe. I can’t give too much away. We can go straight from here.

A: Ok.

J: Please stop being so enthusiastic. It’s overwhelming, really.

A: Ok.

He peered over his laptop screen and we exchanged grins. There was no hope that the rest of this study session was going to be productive. My mind was whirring and my stomach was in knots. What underwear was I wearing?

***

Joel lived off campus. It was only just off campus, less than a ten-minute walk, but it somehow seemed more grownup than living in student accommodation. I’d been here once, but not since our first year—the very beginning of the first semester, for a punch party during Freshman week.

“This house is nicer than I remember.” I put my bag down in the hallway. Joel came up behind me and helped me off with my coat.

“Well, last time you were here you were one of a hundred people.” I didn’t expect him to remember whether or not I’d been at that party. Joel hung my coat up and walked toward me.

“I guess.” I was nervous, making polite conversation while he looked at me like he wanted to rip my clothes from my body. He was so close, but not touching me. My breath hitched. Why wasn’t he touching me? Finally, he pushed my hair behind my shoulders and bent his head to kiss my exposed neck. Just once. My skin burst into flames and my head fell back, urging him on, but he pulled away.

“So are you going to help me with the chicken?”

“The chicken?” Was he serious?

“Yes, the chicken. Do you listen to anything I say?” He’d kissed my neck, right, so what was the fascination with chicken? I expected him to jump me as soon as we got through the door.

I followed him through to the kitchen, totally confused and more than a little frustrated. My skin was still singing.

“Grab the mushrooms and onions from the fridge and start chopping, my little sous chef.”

“I wouldn’t have accepted your invitation if I’d known I was going to have to cook my own dinner.”

“You so would have.” He grinned. I couldn’t argue with him. I was clearly way too obvious.

Joel busied himself with chicken and spices and god knows what. He really seemed to know what he was doing. I stole glances at him at every opportunity. He padded around his kitchen barefoot, comfortable, his back muscles flexing beneath his worn T-shirt. I had to concentrate so I didn’t instinctively reach out to touch him.

“How are you getting on?” He moved behind me, pushing his stomach into my back, rubbing his cheek against mine. “You smell so good.”

“You like the smell of onions?”

“You don’t smell of onions. You smell of you.”

“I have a smell?”

“You do. You smell ... sexy.”

I pushed back against him, unable to stop myself. His arms snaked around my waist and I dropped the knife and ran my hands down his arms. I felt his breath on my neck and he kissed me lightly, his skin on mine. My T-shirt rode up and his fingers trailed over my belly, sending shockwaves to my groin. Right then I would happily become another notch on Joel’s bedpost. I was affecting him, too. I felt his hardness against my back. It wouldn’t be long until I felt him. My underwear dampened at the thought and, as if he knew, he spun me around and buried his hands in my hair and pushed his lips to mine. It was different from the first time. His mouth was urgent on mine, like he couldn’t hold back. I couldn’t—didn’t want to—stop. I savored the feel of his broad muscles moving beneath my hands.

Then abruptly he pulled away. I stumbled against the counter, my head light from his touch, trying to get my thoughts together. He’d turned back to the counter behind me and was agains consumed with the dinner, as if nothing had happened.

I found my balance and turned my back to him and began again on the onions.

“So, how’s the thesis going?” he asked lightly.

“Ok, I suppose, I’m just not sure I’m that interested in the result. I’m just going through the motions.”

“Ava, that doesn’t sound good. You have to love what you do.”

“You think so? Don’t most people just get by?”

“You want to just get by? You don’t want passion in your life? You don’t want to love what you do and who you’re with when you do it?”

“I’m not saying that’s not what I want. But is it realistic to expect it? Isn’t life easier if you accept that it won’t be perfect?”

“I think we should totally accept life as gloriously imperfect, but I think we should at least strive for passion in what we do.”

“I guess.”

“You guess? That’s a convincing rebuttal. What are your grades like in Advocacy?” I could hear the smile in his voice.

I giggled and threw a mushroom at him. “I told you, I’m not sure I’m passionate about this legal stuff. Here, I’ve done your chopping. Where are your placemats?” He pointed to the cabinet next to the fridge and I began setting the table. “So what’s your deal?” I asked.

“My deal?” he responded.

“Your deal.”

“I’m not sure I have a deal.”

“We all have a deal. You seem to be this domestic god-slash-study freak by day, man-whore by night.”

“Wow.” His back stiffened.

“God, I’m sorry. I just open my mouth and whatever’s in my head just falls out.” I made my way over to him and pushed myself up onto the counter to sit next to where he was cooking.

“Yeah, I’m learning that about you.” He wouldn’t look at me.

“I’m sorry. I really am.”

“I’m sorry that’s how you see me.”

“They’re not bad things to be.”

“Are you actually high? How can ‘man-whore’ be anything but a bad thing? Jesus, Ava.”

Holy fuck, I’d really upset him. What was I thinking, calling him that? He just seemed so relaxed and confident all the time that it didn’t occur to me that I might be able to upset him. I reached up to stroke his arm and he glanced at me, clearly still pissed.

“I am really sorry. You just have a constant stream of girls following you around, and Adam seems to make the most of it. He tells us about it in extreme detail, which is quite frankly disgusting. I don’t like the way he just treats women, like if he shags enough of them somehow it makes him a better guy.” I was rambling, a nervous habit.

“I’m not Adam, and just because there are women talking to me doesn’t mean I’m shagging them.”

“I’m sorry.” I reached across and pulled at him so he reluctantly stood between my legs. We were face to face. I traced his eyebrows with my fingers; he closed his eyes as they made their way across his cheekbones and down to brush his lips. Such perfectly full lips. I leaned in and licked the seam where they joined together, and then pushed my mouth against his. Our mouths parted and then his tongue met mine. His arms snaked up my back and I felt forgiveness, or maybe it was lust. Either way, it felt good.

Joel pulled back at the unmistakable smell of burning food.

“Shit, the rice is totaled.”

“I’ll do another batch.” I pushed myself off the counter and took the pan of burnt rice over to the sink.

***

Dinner was quiet. I think I was forgiven, but Joel wasn’t saying much. While washing up, I used every opportunity to touch him, to graze past him, to remind him I wanted him. Eventually, when we’d finished clearing up, I put my arms around his waist and my head on his chest. We stood there wrapped around each other for long moments, his lips pressed against my head.

“I need to get you home before things get out of hand,” he said.

“You do? I thought ...” How embarrassing. I pulled out of his embrace and headed toward the hallway.

“You thought what? That I was going to take advantage of you? You shouldn’t believe everything you hear, Ava.” His voice had an edge to it.

I turned to face him. “No, I would never think that, and that’s not what I meant at all. I thought you were attracted to me.” I felt so stupid. I couldn’t believe what I was saying. “I thought you were ... we were ... going to sleep together.”

His hands reached out and grabbed my bottom, he pushed my hips to him so there was no space between us. “Look at me, Ava.” His eyes had softened. “I’m beyond attracted to you. I think you know that.” He rolled his hips into me, pressing his erection into my stomach. “But I’m not that guy, the guy people talk about. I’m not saying I’m a saint, but it’s not always just about sex.” I didn’t know what to say. Wasn’t it always about sex with guys like Joel?

“Ok,” I mumbled.

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“I’m not sure what you want me convinced of. I just thought ... I just thought you wanted ... I just wanted ...”

“No. Not yet. You’re not ready. I’m a patient man and I need you to be ready, really ready. So ready that every inch of you is begging for me.”

Present

Jules and I had agreed to meet for lunch on Friday, but she was running late. I looked around the café. There were a couple of good-looking men in here. Had I not been noticing men for the last eight years? One guy by the window was sitting by himself, reading the paper. He looked up and found me looking at him and smiled. I looked away, embarrassed to be caught ogling people in the middle of the day.

“Hey, there. Sorry I’m late. My bitch-faced boss wanted to tell me all about how great she was, again,” Jules said.

“No worries.” I was still distracted by my stranger in the window, who had gone back to reading his paper.

“So you look relaxed. Was Will a good shag?” I didn’t need to answer. Jules knew me well enough to know that I didn’t sleep with Will. She continued without missing a beat. “But it’s good you’re seeing him again. You must like him?” I did like him. I’d forgotten how good it could feel to meet someone new. Even my girlfriends had been my girlfriends for years.

“Yes, he seems nice.”

“But Bruce the baldy, not so much.” I’d not told her about Andrew or David. Four dates in a week sounded kind of desperate, and maybe I was, but I didn’t need Jules to know that.

“Definitely not. Will’s funny and confident. He reminds me of ...” I caught myself, just before I mentioned Joel and I smiled and looked away from Jules, catching the eye of the stranger in the window. We held each other’s glance for a second too long and were interrupted by the waitress delivering our usual lunch.

“So you seem to be really into it. The Internet dating thing. I thought you’d chicken out when it came to actually going through with meeting a man.”

“Well, like you say, it’s hard to meet people in London. And I’ve not dated in a while, so ...”

“You’ve never dated. It’s high time you fell in love.”

It was high time I fell out of love.

“Have you loved any of the guys you’ve been out with since Miles?” Miles was the married guy and we rarely spoke about him. It had all been so messy.

“Nope, but I’m out there, hoping it will happen. And having some pretty good sex and plenty of very mediocre sex in the meantime. Speaking of good sex, did you get Hanna’s email about Joel’s dinner?”

“Yes, this morning. What do you mean, speaking of good sex?” Had she and Joel hooked up before?

“You know, all the good sex I’m going to be having with him when he’s back in town.”

“Oh right. Are you seriously interested?” Please say no. Please say you’ve decided to become a lesbian, a nun, to marry the guy behind the counter.

“Of course. He’s single, rich, good-looking, tall, funny. Why wouldn’t I be?” Why wouldn’t she be? And Jules was single, pretty, funny. Why wouldn’t he be similarly interested? Holy-fucking-moley.

Hanna’s email earlier in the day had set the welcome-back dinner for Saturday night. Work was the obvious excuse, but then everyone would give me a really hard time about that and I guess it looked really rude. I was going to have to see him at some point. Food poisoning was an option, but did anyone believe you when you said you had food poisoning? I’d read the email from Hanna about 87 times. She had arranged a private room at a gastropub on Marylebone High Street, near where Joel was staying or living or whatever. The invitation list was Hanna, Matt, Leah, Daniel, Jules, Adam, Joel, and me. Could this be any more excruciating? Hanna had called everyone to check if we were all free, so I couldn’t pretend I had other plans. I was left with work or food poisoning as the potential excuses. Neither one was looking like a strong contender. And even if I did find an excuse, wasn’t I just putting off the inevitable? A welcome-back dinner would at least mean I knew exactly when we were going to see each other. I wouldn’t be caught off guard if I ran into him in the street or at Hanna and Matt’s. It also meant that I could spend the next week getting prepared, mentally and physically. If I could do nothing else, I could look as good as possible when he first saw me.

“Do you want to help me shop on Saturday for a date outfit for Sunday?” I had a hundred things I could wear on Sunday. I was more interested in getting something for the following weekend.

“I’m happy to help you spend your money. I have none, though, so you must make sure I don’t like anything.” It was an empty request. We both knew Jules would outspend me two to one.

***

I could hear my doorbell ringing. I knew it would be Jules picking me up. I’d just thrown up and wasn’t sure I wasn’t going to do it again. I was hovering over the toilet, trying to keep my hair out of the way. There it went again, that fucking buzz was the most irritating sound in the world. I was going to have to risk it. I grabbed a towel and wiped my mouth and pulled my robe around me. Jules was now banging on the door.

“What the fuck? It’s raining.”

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

“Why aren’t you dressed?”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize what time it is.”

“Well, come on. We’re going to be late.”

“Go and get yourself a glass of wine and I’ll be right out.” Jules was always easy to distract with a drink.

I closed my bedroom door and took a deep breath. I had this.

***

“Come the fuck on!” Jules had clearly finished her drink and was screaming from the sofa.

“Coming.” A final look in the mirror. Yes, I was pleased with the results. I looked as good as I could look. My hair was in shiny, soft brown waves falling loose across my shoulders, which were exposed with a 50s-style, black satin fitted top with a wide neckline. It showed some skin, but no cleavage. Perfect. The red pencil skirt hit me just below the knee.

Jules burst through my bedroom door.

“Wow, you look great.”

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

“I’m not. But ... you look great.”

“Yes, you said.”

“You should date more. It gives you a glow.”

It was the thought of Joel that gave me a glow. Although part of me was terrified and dreading seeing him. Part of me was excited. I’d missed him. I wanted to catch up on all his news. I wanted to share my news with him. I wanted to smell him. Dear god, I missed his smell.

“Let’s go crazy, girl,” I said.

“Ok, glowy girl.”

We clamored into a cab and set off for Marylebone High Street. I felt my heart rate rise with every mile.

“So, how’s Will?” Jules asked. “You didn’t give much away when we spoke. Is it because you shagged like bunnies?”

“Yes, Jules. That’s exactly what happened.” I didn’t want to think about Will when I was steeling myself to see Joel again.

“Alright, no need to be snippy.”

“Sorry. We didn’t shag like bunnies, but we had a good time. He’s funny. Good company.” Jules didn’t respond. “I Iike him.” It was true. He didn’t give me butterflies. I didn’t fantasize about him naked. But I did like him.

“Good.”

“Good? That’s all you’ve got? No lewd comments? No piss-taking?”

“It’s nice to see you putting yourself out there and having some fun. I want to see you happy, Ava.” Jules was rarely so serious.

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“You haven’t slept with your boss’ boss, have you?”

“No, you’re right. I shouldn’t even be thinking about him. I really like my job. I don’t want to have to leave it because I’ve seen my boss naked.”

“Houston, we have a breakthrough.”

“And, there are plenty of hot single guys out there for me—Joel included.”

I really hoped that she was joking about making a play for Joel. I really hoped that Joel wouldn’t go there. Even a one night stand between them would potentially kill me. But Jules was relentless and rarely failed when she set her mind to something.

“Are you even listening to me?” I hadn’t been.

“Sorry, I was distracted.”

“Thinking about Will naked?” I smiled at Jules. This is what I wanted right? I wanted to be dating someone by the time Joel was back so he wouldn’t think I was a sad spinster, but now that I was actually going to see Joel, it seemed kind of wrong.

Chapter Four

Past

I’d only had sex once before Joel—a one-time thing with a boy from school. I’d manipulated the situation so I was completely in control, or so I thought. I didn’t want to go to University a virgin, so I’d decided I would find an opportunity to make sure that didn’t happen. And that’s what I did. It wasn’t about desire, it was about control. It was an item on my task list. The experience wasn’t unpleasant; I wasn’t one of those girls who were damaged by their first time, but it hadn’t rocked my world either. It had been practical and over quickly. Job done.

My desire for Joel was something I’d not experienced before. My whole body was attuned to him. I could tell when he was close, even if I couldn’t see him: My skin tightened. A warmth spread through me when I smelled his familiar smell. Every now and then, he would look at me in a certain way and instantly my legs would weaken and I would feel a rush of dampness to my sex.

Sitting across from him now in the library, I just caught his eye. It was late and I was done studying. I’d had lectures all morning and he’d had lectures most of the afternoon. I hadn’t seen him all day, and I didn’t want to be studying now that he was in front of me. I wanted his mouth all over me.

A: Shall we grab some food at yours?

J: Sure.

A: Can we go now?

J: You’re going to have to give me a minute.

A: Are you in the middle of something?

J: Kinda.

A: Kinda?

J: Kinda. I can’t move for a bit.

A: Are you hurt???

He’d not mentioned an injury.

J: You’re wearing a skirt.

A: Way to change the subject.

I was totally confused.

J: Your skirt. It’s very short and I have visions of my hand up it and on you, feeling you, touching you. It’s making me hard and if I stand up I’m going to embarrass myself.

I felt myself flush. He felt it, too. It continued to surprise me—him wanting me. It had been over a week since I first had dinner at his house. I’d been twice since, and there had been kissing—lots more kissing—but I wondered if the reason he was delaying sleeping with me was that he really didn’t want me physically, despite his reassurances.

A: I wore it for you.

It was true. I felt more feminine with Joel, I wanted him to desire me and when I’d put it on this morning, I wondered if he’d like it.

J: You did? Are you trying to lead me astray?

A: I want you to do the things you said.

J: You want my hand up your skirt?

A: I do.

J: What else?

A: What else?

What was he asking me?

J: What else do you want me to do to you?

I felt my breath hitch. I’d had a million fantasies that I couldn’t share with him. Could I?

A: I want to feel your hands everywhere. I want my hands on you, everywhere.

J: And my mouth, where do you want that? Do you want me to kiss you everywhere?

A: Yes. Everywhere.

J: Even where you are warm and wet for me, slick with desire for me?

Oh god, I gasped. He heard me and our eyes locked across our laptops. Before I had time to formulate a response, he’d emailed again.

J: Tell me what you like.

A: I like you.

J: What do you like in bed? What makes you come? Tell me?

A: I don’t know.

J: What do you mean you don’t know?

Didn’t he realize how inexperienced I was?

A: Please don’t embarrass me.

J: Baby, I’m sorry.I’m not trying to embarrass you. Talk to me. Are you a virgin?

Baby? He’d not called me that. I liked it. It made me feel like I was his, which I was.

A: Not quite. I’ve had sex. Once.

I heard the groan from across the desk.

J: Just as I thought you couldn’t get any hotter. Don’t be scared. I won’t rush you. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.

A: I’m not scared. I want you. I want to be with you.

J: We need to get out of here. Right. Now.

Joel grabbed his hockey jacket and put it on while he was sitting down. It was cute to see him fumbling around. He was normally so nonchalant about everything. I followed his lead and began packing up my books and my laptop. Was this it? Were we going back to his place to have sex?

Joel grabbed my backpack from my desk and slung it across his free shoulder as he normally did. Then he went to take my hand in his. It caught me off guard and I pulled away without thinking. He frowned at me but didn’t say anything. I was surprised by him wanting to be public about our ... what was it? Fling? Friendship? Kissing arrangement? I didn’t want to be another one of those girls who lusted after Joel Wentworth. I didn’t want people gossiping about me, wondering what Joel was doing with me, judging me.

We headed back to his place without discussing it. As we got closer, my pulse quickened. This was it. It was going to happen.

“So, my little sous chef, what are we going to have for dinner?”

That was a change in direction. Dirty-talking Joel was clearly confined to email.

“I don’t mind,” I said.

“You’ll let me choose?”

“I’ll let you take the lead.”

“You will? What happens if I choose something you don’t like?”

“It’s good to try new things. It broadens my horizons.” He was looking at me; I could tell he was thinking, wondering how to respond. It was clear we weren’t talking about food.

“I wouldn’t want to scare you off. What happens if I offer you something disgusting, like sheep’s brain? You’d never forgive me.”

“I could never not forgive you anything. Do you even like sheep’s brain?”

“No, but I’m just saying ...”

“Well, if you want to try sheep’s brain, l trust you.” Holy hell, did I?

By the time we got to his place, I was nervous. We dumped our bags in the hallway, pulled off our shoes and I followed him into the kitchen. From behind him, I grabbed his hand in mine.

“Now is ok, but not in the library?” he asked me.

I looked at him. “When it’s us, it’s ok.”

“Just us?”

“I like just us.” He squeezed my hand and we headed toward the kitchen.

“Do you want some wine?” he asked hesitantly, moving toward the fridge.

“You don’t have to get me drunk to take advantage of me.”

“Ava, I don’t want to take advantage of you. Don’t say that.”

“Hey, I was joking. I know you don’t,” I stood in front of him as he placed two wine glasses on the countertop. He wouldn’t look at me. “Hey.” I reached up and tilted his head so he was forced to look at me. “I want you. You’re not taking advantage of me if I want you.” My hands stroked down his chest to the waistband of his jeans. He caught my hands before I could reach for the buckle. He pulled my arms around my back and pushed me close against him. I could feel him beginning to harden.

“You’re driving me crazy.” His lips parted and his eyes darted from my eyes to my lips and back again. With my arms still bound by his behind my back, he walked me backward until my bottom hit the countertop.

He whispered, “When I release your arms, I want you to grab onto the countertop and don’t let go.” What? “Do you hear me, Ava?”

“Yes,” I replied breathily and he immediately released my hands and I grabbed behind me as instructed.

“Good girl.” He stepped back and surveyed me, his eyes sweeping up my body. “You are so beautiful.” I squirmed under his inspection. Why didn’t he kiss me like he meant it? Instead he busied himself on the other side of the kitchen, pulling out a bottle of red from the wine rack and placing it next to the glasses, and then he started opening and closing drawers. His arms flexed under his T-shirt. He had that semi-scowl on his face that was so enticing. Just looking at him, watching him, was intensely sexy.

“Joel?” I wanted to touch him.

“Stay there, Ava.” He didn’t look at me. Was he angry?

“Are you punishing me?” That got his attention. He whipped around and raised an eyebrow. God, he was sexy when he did that. I didn’t move, but I could feel myself become more desperate to touch him, for him to touch me. He was grinning to himself; he didn’t look angry at all.

He found what he was looking for, opened the bottle, and poured equal amounts into the two glasses. He paused before he picked the glasses up and took a deep breath, as if he were gearing up to say something to me. As he walked over to me he took a sip from one glass and then offered me mine. “Keep your hands where they are,” he instructed. He brought the glass to my lips and I took a sip, keeping my eyes locked with his. He pulled away and leaned against the cupboard opposite me.

“So?” he said, looking at me with a half-smile.

“So?”

“So, you started telling me in the library what you wanted me to do to you. Remind me what you said.” I blushed and looked at my feet. “Ava? You said something about me touching you. All over. Is that what you said?”

I nodded without looking up.

“Where shall I start, Ava?” Was he asking me to tell him where to touch me? I peeked out from under my lashes and his eyes locked onto mine, and in a single stride, he was as close as he could be to me without touching me. I moved forward and he moved back, avoiding contact.

“My lips,” I mumbled. I could do this. He brought his finger up and stroked the seam of my lips. My breath was running quicker now and I opened my mouth, trying to pull in my more air.

“Down,” I whispered. He trailed his finger down under my chin and down my neck.

“Talk to me. Tell me where.”

“Both your hands on my breasts, Joel, please,” I whimpered. His hands grasped me firmly; I arched into him and my head fell back.

“You like this?”

“I want to feel your hands.”

“You have to tell me, Ava.”

“Joel, please, undo my shirt. I want to feel you.”

He brought his head to my neck and finally kissed me. “Like this?”

“Yes. More.” I felt his fingers finding my buttons as he kissed me down my neck and across my collar bone and back and then down following the buttons. Finally my shirt was open and Joel pushed it down over my shoulders. I went to move instinctively.

“No, Ava. Hands stay where they are.” He continued his kissing between my breasts, bringing his hands over the cups of my bra and then he delved inside, finding my nipples, and they pebbled beneath his fingers. “Is this what you wanted to feel, Ava? Me touching you like this?” He rolled them between his thumb and forefinger, just on the brink of it being painful. I could tell he was looking at me, but I couldn’t open my eyes. I would faint if I looked into those eyes at this moment. I could feel the pleasure building deep in my belly. “Do you want to feel my mouth on your breasts, Ava?”

I nodded. He knew I did.

“Talk to me. Tell me what you want.”

“Joel ... please.” It was the signal he needed and I felt his tongue wrap around my nipple, his fingers still on the other. He alternated between his tongue and his teeth. I wanted to feel my hands in his hair as he moved between my breasts, but he shook his head. He was torturing me. I moaned loudly as his teeth caught my skin. It hurt so good. “Please let me touch you,” I cried out.

It seemed to catch his attention. He changed pace and came up to look at me, and then crashed his lips into mine. His force took me by surprise. He pushed his tongue into my mouth like he just couldn’t wait a second longer. His hands found my waist and then one slid lower, under the hem of my skirt to dip between my thighs.

“What about here, Ava? Do you want to feel me here?” His mouth was hovering over mine. I thrust my pelvis into his hand. “Is that a yes?”

“Yes, Joel.”

“Oh, yes. I can feel how much you want me. I can feel you through your underwear—all wet for me.” Oh, that mouth of his. I couldn’t feel embarrassed that my body had betrayed me when he so clearly enjoyed it. He began scratching his thumbnail back and forward on my underwear, sending tiny vibrations right to my clitoris while he watched my reaction. My mouth parted, I tried to concentrate on breathing. I felt so exposed to him. I wanted more. I wanted to feel his skin on mine.

“More, Joel.”

“Can you handle more, baby?” He found the top of my underwear and his hand thrust down the front of my underwear. The pleasure reached a new level as his fingers found my nub, and I cried out. “Oh god, Ava, do you see how you respond to me? I love seeing how much you want me.” He buried his head in my neck as he continued to circle my clitoris with his fingers. Within seconds, I could feel the beginnings of my orgasm start to build.

“Joel, stop!” I screamed. His fingers stopped and he pulled his face back to look at me.

“Did I hurt you?”

“Oh god no, I’m going to come.”

“That’s the idea.” And his fingers picked up their rhythm as he continued to watch me.

“Joel, seriously.”

“You don’t want to come?”

“Yes, but what about you?” I could barely breathe.

“I want to make you come. I want to watch you come.” His fingers sped up and there it was. “Look at me, Ava. Do you have any idea how you look right now? Your cheeks flushed, your lips all red, gasping for breath because of what I’m doing to you?”

And I was gone. My orgasm barreled down my spine and I arched into him and he caught me just as my legs collapsed.

He kissed me gently and I opened my eyes into his. “Follow me.” I staggered after him, my hand in his, following him to his bedroom. “You need to lie down.” He guided me to his bed and I lay down willingly.

“Shall I get you a drink?” he asked softly.

“I don’t need anything. Please lie with me.”

Joel did as I asked and lay down next to me. I scooted over to him and he pulled me into the crook of his shoulder, my arm around his waist.

“You’re amazing,” I said quietly. He pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head, turning toward me.

“You’re amazing.”

I shifted my hips toward him and felt his hardness against me. My hand delved toward his jeans.

“Ava. No.”

“No?”

“This was about you.”

“Can’t it be about us?” he stayed silent. I resumed stroking him through the denim. “I want you to show me how, what to do.” I could feel him thicken, so I was on the right track, but I wasn’t sure what to do next. I went tentatively toward his fly and unbuttoned him, using both hands to push down his jeans and briefs. He sprang loose. I swallowed. What next?

“You can be rougher than you think you can.” He put his hand over mine, curling my fingers around him and guided me up his shaft. He released my hand and I continued the same path. I could feel him watching me. I looked up to him for signs that I was doing the right thing. His eyes were glazed and he licked his lips. I found a rhythm with my hand. Watching his face and the effect I was having on him was so erotic, I felt a wave of desire run through me and I closed my eyes to try to refocus on him. I felt a wetness at his tip and instinctively I dipped my head and licked it off.

“Jesus, Ava.” His hips bucked from the bed and he grabbed my face with both hands and brought my face up to meet his and kissed me. I kept my hand on him as his tongue probed my mouth and he thrust into me, my movement unnecessary.

I squeezed my hand slightly. “Oh god, yes, like that,” he choked.

His forehead rested on mine and he spoke into my mouth. “Ava, I’m going to come.”

He thrust again and I could feel his release on my hand as he groaned. The feeling, him coming apart like that because of me and what I was doing to him, was something I’d never experienced. I got why he liked watching me now. Watching him was amazing. Powerful. Hot.

His forehead still on mine, his breathing slowed and he kissed me gently on the lips. He scooted across the bed and returned with tissues. I couldn’t pull my eyes from him as he started to wipe away the traces of his pleasure. Before he could clean my hand, I brought it to my lips and sucked my finger. He watched me intently as I tasted him. He tasted of salt and Joel.

“Jesus, Ava, you’re going to get me hard again.” He took my hand and wiped it clean and I leaned in to kiss him.

“I like you hard.”

“You are perfect.”

“Not so bad yourself. Now are you going to make me some dinner or what?” I was grinning from ear to ear.

Present

I had wondered if it would be the same, my body’s reaction to him. Sure enough, it was like a homing device. Before we had even stepped through the doors of the pub, my skin started singing. He was here.

“Is that Adam?” Jules pointed at a blond-haired figure coming toward us from across the road. She started waving and he waved back.

“Hey, girls. You both look lovely.” He kissed both of us on both cheeks. “Let’s get in, it’s freezing.”

“Where have you come from? You look terrible,” I said. We were making our way up to the stairs above the pub. Jules seemed to know where we were going.

“Thanks, Ava. You can be a bitch sometimes.”

“Wow. Sorry. I was just concerned.”

“You don’t sound concerned. You sound like you’re being a bitch.”

“Fuck off, Adam. There’s no need to bite my head off!” What a great start to the evening.

“Will you two stop fighting and just have sex already,” Jules screamed at us as she walked into the private dining room. Hanna, Matt, Daniel, and Joel turned their heads.

“Who’s fighting?” asked Hanna.

“Who’s having sex is the real question,” said Daniel.

“Who do you think? These two freaks of nature,” Jules said.

“You’re having sex?” Hanna asked with a concerned look on her face.

“No, no one is having sex!” I said. Jules already had her arms wrapped around Joel. This was a total and complete disaster.

“Well, I am. I’ll take Leah whenever I can get her,” Daniel responded without missing a beat. “She’s fucking amazing.”

“Enough, Daniel. We don’t want to hear about your perfect fucking life all the time.” Jules had put Joel down and he was helping her off with her coat. He hadn’t met my eyes, but frankly I’d been avoiding looking at him until the last possible moment. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if I could still see anger there. He pulled all the oxygen from the room and I had difficulty breathing. I could feel anxiety rise in my chest and I moved toward the door. I had to get out of there. I found the bathroom and locked myself in a stall.

Eight years. It was ridiculous that this was so difficult. I had a successful career and my own flat, but Joel Wentworth could still throw me off balance. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Jules throwing herself at him made me want to beat her senseless. It all made the relationship that I still had with him in my head all the more ridiculous. I was finally clear how I had been waiting for him all this time and how utterly pathetic that really was.

“You stupid bitch,” I said to myself. Saying it aloud made me feel better. I could do this. I had to do this. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life like this.

As I went back into our dining room, Joel’s back was to me and the rest of the group was listening to him intently. “I didn’t recognize her. She seems so different, older.”

He was talking about me. Hearing him say that felt like a punch to the stomach. The sound of the door closing behind me caught the attention of the group and I couldn’t pull my eyes away. This was it. And there he was: achingly familiar, but also a stranger. “Hey,” I mouthed and I moved toward him but Adam found me and interrupted our reunion as he pulled me toward him into a hug.

“Sorry for being a moody bastard. Are you upset with me?”

“No, it’s fine.” My eyes hadn’t left Joel’s. He mouthed back “Hey.” There was no anger that I could see, but I wasn’t sure what was there instead. I was always so good at reading him and I was disappointed that I couldn’t see what he was thinking.

“Really? Good.” And I was forgotten as Adam went to find his seat at the table.

Awkwardly, Joel moved toward me. Do we hug or wave or shake hands? I’d not thought this through. The others, behind Joel, were exchanging banter and I could hear them argue about where Joel should sit. I reached out both arms and self-consciously I rested my hands on his upper arms as he cupped my elbows and we exchanged kisses on each cheek. I was so aware of every part of him that was touching me. He smelled the same: Just like the boy I fell in love with.

Joel ended up at the head of the table and I was on the left at the other end next to Hanna and opposite Matt. Jules and Adam grabbed seats on either side of Joel.

“Are you still banging that supermodel?” Adam asked Joel. My stomach knotted.

“Grow up, Adam. You’re like a horny 15 year old,” spat Jules.

“You’re just jealous. He’s way out of your league, Jules.” And their to and fro continued like that for much of the evening. Joel seemed to avoid getting involved, laughing at their banter but not commenting, and talking directly over them at times to Daniel about business. They both talked knowledgably about microfinance in Africa and the spread of mobile technologies across the continent. I talked a little to Hanna about work, but I didn’t have to say much at all. Joel was the center of attention, and my reaction to him went unnoticed. He didn’t look at me again, not even fleetingly, and I found it easier and easier to look at him knowing his eyes weren’t going to meet mine. He looked a little older, but not in any specific way. It wasn’t that he had developed laugh lines, time had been kind to him in that way; he was more tanned or taller or something.

“So, what brought you back if you’re doing all this great stuff in Africa and the US?” Daniel asked.

“I’m going to keep doing all that stuff, but I can do it here as well as anywhere else, and my parents are getting older. My mom has just been told she has to have a hip replacement and it seemed to be the right time as I have a few opportunities in London I can start to take a bit more seriously.”

“So you’ve not left anyone special behind?” Hanna asked.

“We’re his special people, Hanna,” Jules said.

“You keep in touch with special people, wherever they are,” he replied. I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach again.

***

I had planned to make an excuse about an early gym session, but I surprised myself by staying for the entire evening and leaving with everyone else. I was still drawn to him, even if he was indifferent to me. Maybe that’s what made me feel so uncomfortable. He was indifferent, and it was unexpected and brought a different kind of pain. I was prepared for his anger to still be there. Even if I tried to tell myself I wasn’t, I was hoping to see some remnants of love. But indifference? I just wasn’t prepared for it.

“Shall we go for drinks?” Jules was clearly hoping to make it a big night.

“Yeah, let’s go to that bar on Bond Street,” Adam piped in.

“Leah’s away, so yeah, sure,” Daniel said.

“Daniel, you are so fucking pussy whipped. Thank god I’ve got a real man to hang out with now,” Adam sneered.

“Cheers, Adam,” Matt said. We all knew Matt was a bit pussy whipped.

“I’m not pussy whipped. I’ve got a hot girlfriend that I’m in love with. Of course I’d prefer to spend time with her rather than you. But if she’s not here, you’ll do. It’s that simple.” Daniel was always so clear about things. I guess that’s what made him successful.

“You guys are great, but I have to get back,” Joel said, and he slapped Adam on the back as disappointment spread across his face. “We’ll catch up again soon enough. I’m seeing you on Tuesday for squash, right?” Adam nodded.

“We’ll have to go to dinner and have a proper catch-up. Maybe I can cook for you at my place?” asked Jules. I watched carefully for Joel’s response. Was he up for a slice of Jules? I couldn’t tell. Damn it. He used to be so easy to read.

“We’ll definitely do something,” he said as he kissed her cheek.

And just like that we were filing out of the restaurant and waving down cabs, having said our goodbyes, and the only person who I hadn’t kissed goodnight—the only person who I’d not made eye contact with since the beginning of the evening—was Joel.

I took a cab home on my own. Normally, Jules and I would have shared, but I couldn’t bear to hear her talking about Joel and her plans for him this summer, so I hopped in one and drove off before she could ask me to share.

My phone buzzed.

Are you ok? You seemed quiet tonight.

It was Hanna.

All good. Just tired. You ok?

Fine. Come to dinner Tuesday night. x

Great, thanks. Let me know what to bring. x

I could do with some time away from Jules. I don’t think I could be her friend if she was with Joel. The thought gnawed at my stomach. Surely the worst was over now. He was back, we’d seen each other.

I was dating Will.

I was ‘getting over Joel.’

Chapter Five

Present

Sunday night was another date with Will. I wasn’t sure how this worked. It was officially date three, so did that mean that he would be expecting me to sleep with him? I didn’t feel ready for that, but if that’s what I needed to do, then that’s what I would do. I scrambled about in my underwear drawer trying to find something that vaguely matched. I was running late. Will would be here any minute. He was picking me up and we were walking to a place on the high street that he liked. I’d never been—it was Turkish. Oh god, did that mean we’d be sitting on the floor? Maybe this dress wasn’t the right thing to wear.

The doorbell rang. Going to the door in a robe was going to give him entirely the wrong idea. Holy hell, I didn’t have a choice.

“Hey, I’m so sorry. I’m not dressed yet.”

He had a bouquet of pink roses in his hands. “You look beautiful just like that. Don’t bother getting dressed.” He raised his eyebrows and grinned at me. Instantly I felt more relaxed. When I wasn’t with Will, I somehow imagined him differently from how he was in person. I was always more comfortable with him than I expected to be. I grinned back at him as he held out the roses.

“They are beautiful, thank you. Can you help yourself to a glass of wine while I put these in water?” We moved into the kitchen and I found a vase.

“Sure, can I get you one?”

“No, I’m good. How’s work?”

Will stood sideways to me leaning on the counter as I got to work cutting down the stems of the roses. I could feel him looking at me. He reached out and stroked my back through my robe. I was painfully aware that I wasn’t wearing much.

“Great. It totally wiped out my weekend, but it was worth it. We really made progress.” The fact that Will was so involved with his work was one of the things I liked about him. “You look totally stunning, Ava.” His voice softened as his hands ran up my back to my neck. He was looking at me intently. “Stunning.”

He shifted to his feet and pulled me toward him, bending his head to kiss my neck. I tilted my head to give him better access and he laid kiss after kiss from my neck to the edge of my robe, which he softly moved off my shoulder. Releasing his hands from my waist, he slowly circled me. He moved his lips around to my back as he continued his parade of kisses across my shoulder up to my neck and down to the other shoulder. I sighed and I heard him groan and he pulled me back toward him. I grabbed the back of both his rock hard thighs and held him close to me. He was good at this. I wasn’t sure that I didn’t want to sleep with him.

“You feel good,” I whispered.

“I do?”

“You do.”

“Good to know.” I felt him grin. “You feel spectacular.” Wow. I reached my arm above my head and dug my fingers into his hair. It tipped him over the edge; he spun me around and pushed his lips onto mine.

As his tongue pushed against mine, I pulled away. It was too much. “Come on. We have plans, don’t we?”

“Well, all was going according to my plan.” He pulled me closer to him but I braced my arms against his, holding him away. I was happy to flirt but I didn’t want things to get too … physical.

“I need to get dressed.”

“You don’t have to. We could stay in.”

I didn’t say anything. When I looked away from him, he released me from his hold and I headed back to the bedroom.

Dinner was a little tense and it seemed to be made worse by the fact that the music was so loud we could barely exchange a sentence. Will liked flashy, or seemed to. I guess that’s what a lot of girls expected when they dated—a flashy restaurant, plenty of money spent, and if it was good enough, they were prepared to give up the goods. It seemed to be the game, but I wasn’t convinced it was the way to find love.

After a bit of wrestling over the bill, Will paid and we headed outside to get a cab. Just as we hit fresh air, Will stopped in his tracks. I glanced behind me and he was staring at his feet.

“Will? Are you ok?”

“Ava, I feel like I fucked up and I want you to give me a second chance.” He brought his eyes to mine.

“It’s fine, Will.” I smiled. It was fine, wasn’t it?

“Ava.” He looked serious.

“Seriously, Will, it’s fine.”

“Can we go for a drink? Somewhere where I don’t have to shout to have a conversation?”

“Seriously, it’s fine, but it’s late and I have a really busy week and I need to go home.” I stroked his arm to try and reassure him. It was all true, I did have a busy week, but I always had a busy week. He moved toward me and I let him cup my head in his hands.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” That word again. “Let’s see each other after work this week. Wednesday?” I was trying to make him feel better. He hadn’t really done anything. He nodded, released my head, and I kissed him briefly on the lips and stuck my arm out at a passing cab.

“Thanks for dinner, Will. See you Wednesday.”

Everything seemed to bring back a memory of Joel. Tonight was no exception. I had never felt pressure from Joel in the way that I had from Will tonight. But now Joel was indifferent.

***

Tuesday night brought dinner with Hanna. She liked to cook, so we almost always ate at her place, particularly if it was just me. It also meant that Matt could disappear and watch football and we were left by ourselves to chat.

I was sad to be relieved that Jules wasn’t coming. It was too exhausting to be around her at the moment. I left work and picked up a bottle of wine on the way.

The door was on the latch as I arrived, so I walked straight in and yelled, “Hello, I’m here to burgle your house.” No answer, but I could hear music and the sounds of pots and pans in the kitchen. I kicked my shoes off, hung my coat, and wandered into the back of their house toward the living space.

“Hey,” I said.

Hanna’s head shot up from the chopping board where she was dicing or slicing something. “Hey, you. I didn’t hear you come in.” I went over and gave her a big hug. I was so pleased to be here.

Matt shouted from somewhere upstairs. “It’s definitely not in the guest room wardrobe.”

“Fucking hell, Ava. I feel like his mother sometimes.” I grinned at her and started hunting about for a corkscrew. I knew she loved taking care of him. “Well, I haven’t touched it.” She tilted her head to the ceiling as she shouted back.

“Should I ask what he’s looking for? Has he lost his penis?” I poured three glasses of wine, not quite sure why there weren’t half-drunk glasses already strewn about the kitchen as there usually were.

“I can only hope.” We giggled. “It’s his squash racket. He can’t find it because he only uses it once every three years.”

“Got it!” Matt shouted and thundered down the stairs. He came into the kitchen in very short shorts and a fleece top.

“Why are you wearing Jimmy Connor’s shorts?” I asked as he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

“Ha ha. Don’t you start. I’ve already had abuse from Hanna. This is what you wear to play squash!”

“It’s not what I wear, ever, and I don’t think anyone has worn anything close to that since 1983.” Hanna and I were giggling as the doorbell rang.

“Ava, can you get that?” Matt asked me as he crouched with his head in one of the kitchen cupboards.

“What are you after now?” Hanna snapped.

“Sure, are you expecting someone?” I slid off my stool and started to head toward the door.

“It’ll be Joel.” I stopped stock still. Joel? I couldn’t answer the door! Why was Joel here? Was he coming to dinner? Fuckety fuck. I couldn’t refuse to answer the door, especially since I was already on my way.

I took a big gulp of wine and headed down the hallway.

“Hi!” I said as breezily as I could manage as I pulled the door open and stood aside to allow him in. His eyes grew wider and I looked away ignoring the buzz across my skin.

“Er, hi. I ...”

“Matt’s still getting ready. Come in.” I think I sounded normal, but I wasn’t convinced.

I led him down the hallway and Matt’s shouting canceled out the silence between us.

“Hey, mate. Give me a minute. I’ve lost my shoes.”

Joel went over to kiss Hanna on the cheek.

“Do you want a snack before you go? A glass of wine?” Hanna was always ready with food and drink, no matter what time of day or night.

“I think wine before squash could be dangerous.” Joel smiled at her with affection in his eyes.

“I think it sounds a lot more fun than sober squash.” Hanna had a point. “So how’s your week been so far? What have you been up to? Do you feel like a Londoner?” All questions I’d imagined asking him a hundred times since Saturday night.

“All good, settling in and meeting contacts ...” Joel’s vague answer was interrupted by a very excited Matt wanting to show Joel something on his laptop.

“I hope it’s not porn,” Hanna muttered.

“Yes, I’m showing Joel porn in front of my wife and Ava, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” I giggled and Hanna ignored him. They both hunched over the laptop, laughing at whatever they were looking at.

Joel was more Joel in casual clothes. More my Joel. The Joel who I’d have crept up behind and pushed my hands up under his sweatshirt, feeling his broad back, smelling the familiar Joel smell.

“Can you take over chopping while I do the salmon?” Hanna interrupted my fantasy and I moved my stool over so I could sit and chop. “You can be my sous chef.”

I looked up and Joel and I locked eyes. The reference wasn’t lost on him. I felt a heat across my cheeks. He looked away quickly and I went back to chopping.

“How did it go?” Hanna said.

“What?”

“Date three with Will, silly?”

“Oh, right. It was ok.” This is not a subject I wanted to discuss at the moment.

“I need more detail than that! I need to live vicariously through my single, beautiful friends.” Hanna was always mock-complaining about the fact she’d not been single in a decade and that she had a boring life, but we all knew it was just a front. I wasn’t sure if she was just trying to make us feel better or it was just because that’s what she thought we thought she should want. “Was he huge?”

“And you’re moaning about me showing Joel porn when you are over there objectifying Ava’s poor boyfriend,” Matt interrupted. At that moment Adam crashed into the room. Was he upstairs all this time or had he just arrived?

“What boyfriend?” Adam asked.

This was a total disaster. I wish I’d stayed at home. I blushed again and looked deep into my wine glass staying quiet. Part of me was desperate to know whether Joel was interested in my new boyfriend but I couldn’t look at him.

“We’re not objectifying anyone. I’m asking factual questions about Ava’s boyfriend’s penis.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. And we are not discussing penises or penii or whatever.”

“Who’s not your boyfriend?” Adam barked. “You’re not actually dating someone, are you?” I looked over and saw Joel concentrating on the laptop, totally ignoring the whole situation.

“Is that a green-eyed monster I see?” Matt teased.

“Shut up, Matt. You can’t start with the banter when you’re wearing those shorts,” Adam shot back.

“Fucking hell, can we go back to talking about porn?” I pushed off my stool and went to refill my glass.

“Can you boys piss off and go and play squash and leave us alone to talk about penises and porn?” Hanna was reading my mind.

“Yeah, come on guys, we’re booked for 8 p.m. Let’s get a move on.” Joel said.

Easily distracted with the talk of sports, the boys were quickly headed out the front door.

“So, we were talking about Will’s penis ...” Hanna turned to me expectantly.

“No, Hanna, we weren’t. You know as much about his penis as I do.” I sounded resigned.

“Oh, right. So you’re not that keen?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.” I sighed. I genuinely didn’t know. I desperately wanted to feel more than I felt for Will. I wanted to feel for Will what I’d felt ... for Joel. “I know I’m not desperate to tell him about my day. I know I don’t have to hold myself back from touching him. I know my skin doesn’t buzz when I’m within a hundred yards of him.” I’d almost forgotten Hanna was still there; I was talking to myself.

“That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t work. Love isn’t like fairytales, Ava. Real life isn’t like that.” I smiled at her. It didn’t work. Real life with Joel had been like that. “Well, at least you’re getting out there. You’ll find someone, even if it’s not Will,” she said. I kept my smile in place.

But I had found someone. I’d also managed to lose him.

Past

Dinner was futile. Joel was a good cook, but I’d lost any appetite with my first orgasm. I couldn’t concentrate on anything but Joel. I couldn’t stop grinning at Joel and Joel couldn’t stop looking at me like he wanted to devour me, which was the biggest turn on. Eventually we abandoned our plates and went about what was now becoming a routine of clearing up the kitchen. We didn’t say much while we cleaned, just looked at each other and grinned. I used every opportunity I had to accidently brush his arm or place my hands on his hips so I could ‘squeeze’ past him. I was practically panting by the time we had finished, waiting for the next installment of my physical education. To my surprise and disappointment, when we finished up Joel offered to walk me back to campus instead of taking me to bed.

He didn’t try to take my hand on the walk back. Part of me was relieved, but part of me wished he had. When we got back to the dorms, he pecked me on the cheek and left. Just like that. He didn’t invite me to stay with him, didn’t suggest he stayed with me. He just left me.

I didn’t sleep that night. Not for a minute.

The next morning, exhausted and pale, I went to meet a classmate who had some research that overlapped with my thesis. Normally, on Wednesdays I would be in the library all morning and Joel would meet me there after his 9 a.m. lecture. I was grateful for a change in our routine. I was confused by his behavior last night. Things had been going so well, I didn’t understand why he’d put an end to things or why he hadn’t wanted me to stay. But maybe all he wanted from me was his release.

Walking back to the library, I wondered if Joel would be there already. Normally he’d arrive by 11 a.m. and it was past noon now. If he was trying to avoid me, then I guess he wouldn’t come to the library at all. My heart was racing by the time I entered through the turnstiles. I made my way up the stairs to the third floor and I thought I might pass out from anxiety.

I went the long way around the floor, prolonging the agony. But there he was, in his usual seat, with his jacket slung over my seat opposite him. I couldn’t help but pause and grin at the sight of him. I realized someone was crouched at his feet whispering to him, he was tilting his head to hear what she was saying and she had her hand on his knee. My vision blurred for a split second. I wanted to punch her. Hard. In the face.

I made my way over and, without acknowledging either of them, unpacked my rucksack, sat down, and powered up my laptop. After a minute or so, the girl stood up and left and I could feel Joel’s eyes on me. I deliberately kept my eyes firmly affixed on my notebook. Then a ball of paper landed just by my hand. I couldn’t have not seen it, but I pretended it hadn’t happened.

“Ava!” Joel stage whispered.

I ignored him. I heard his chair being pushed back and I could see from under my hair that he was headed over to my side of the desk.

“Hey.” He sat on my notebook, almost crushing my hand in the process. “Are you ignoring me?”

Of course I was. “No,” I said curtly.

“Can I kiss you?”

He wanted to kiss me? Please kiss me. “No,” I said.

“Oh, I see,” he said as if he’d had an epiphany. What did he see? He didn’t elaborate. He just sat there. I tried to ignore him and opened up my thesis and started typing. I was typing gibberish but I was typing. I saw him from the corner of my eye acknowledge various passers-by. Why was he still sitting on my notepad, smelling so good? His thigh was almost touching my arm, inviting me to stroke it through the denim, teasing me, tensing and relaxing as he swung he leg back and forth. We stayed like that for about ten minutes and then he pushed himself off the desk.

“Come on. It’s lunchtime,” he said brightly.

I’d just arrived. I sighed, a little exasperated by the whole Joel situation, and my over-thinking the whole Joel situation. “I need to get through this, Joel. If you want lunch, go on your own,” I hissed at him as quietly as I could.

“I want to have lunch with you. If you want to fight with me, then let’s have it. If you want to try to break up with me, then let’s hear it. But don’t sulk. I can’t bear it when you look sad.” Break up with him? Were we together? He sounded serious, and he was right. I was sulking. But I was sulking because I thought he didn’t want me.

In a huff, I followed him to the cafeteria. He kept falling back to walk with me, but I kept my eyes straight ahead. When we arrived, it wasn’t too busy. We were early for lunch. Instead of grabbing us both trays, which is what he normally did, he went over to the fridge that stored the take out lunches and selected two sandwiches and some sodas and then headed over to pay. I stood still and waited. I was unsure about how this was going to play out.

Joel headed toward me with a bag with our lunch in it and without looking at me, roughly grabbed my elbow. “Come on.”

Where were we going?

I twisted my arm from his hand and pulled away. “Oh right, yes. God forbid anyone was to see us touching, Ava,” he sneered.

I followed him out of the library and around the back toward the outdoor tennis courts. No one was playing, it had been raining, and it was the wrong time of year, so the place was deserted. We made our way to the benches set into the hill opposite the courts. Joel took a seat. “Sit, Ava.”

I did as I was told.

“What the fuck is going on?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I felt small and stupid and I didn’t want him to be angry with me. I wanted him to pull me onto his lap and bury his head in my neck. “You look sick, baby. Are you sick?” His voice softened and tears welled in my eyes at the sound of his endearment as I shook my head.

“I didn’t sleep.” My eyes slid to his and back to my lap. He looked worried.

“Why didn’t you sleep? Are you worried about something?”

Did I say something? Did I say that I thought he was dumping me? “I wanted you to stay, last night, I mean.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment.

He exhaled as he said, “I wanted to stay. I just don’t want this to ... I don’t want to rush you, or me, or ...”

I felt relief roll off me.

I reached across for his hand and linked my fingers with his.

We ate our sandwiches one-handed.

Present

“Do you think that will work?” Will asked. He seemed genuinely interested.

“We’re not sure. It’s a bit unusual, and the client is not one hundred percent comfortable but I think they recognize it’s probably the only realistic option,” I replied.

Will and I were on date four, discussing work, a possible pre-emptive bid on a pharma company. I liked the fact he was interested in my work. He worked with many lawyers, so he understood my world.

We were at another flashy restaurant. It was quieter this time, though. We could talk and I remembered that I liked him without having to try too hard. Since our last date, nearly a week ago, we’d had a few telephone calls that lasted into the night. It had relaxed me, and despite having canceled our mid-week date, I’d agreed to reschedule. It was Friday night and we’d met straight from work. I felt less pressure that way. I didn’t have to worry so much about what to wear or that he would suggest we stay in.

“Do you want another drink? Shall I order another bottle of wine?”

“Sure,” I said, slightly too fast. I was nervous. I was aware that Will would probably want to take things further tonight. I was ready. Well, I was wearing matching underwear.

“Do you think you’ll always want to work?” Will caught the attention of the waiter just as he finished asking the question. It gave me a beat to think about what he’d said.

“As opposed to what?”

“You know, when you have kids. Do you think you’ll want to still work?”

I laughed. “Do you think you’ll still want to work when you have kids?” I asked him right back.

“Touché, Miss Elliot.”

I wasn’t sure whether it had been a question off the top of his head or if I was being interviewed as potential wife and mother material.

The second bottle of wine arrived. We fell silent as the waiter went through the ritual of presenting the bottle, uncorking it, pouring a small amount to taste, and then filling our glasses. It seemed to go on forever. Will caught my eye and smiled. I smiled back and looked down to my glass.

“So how are your gang of friends?” he asked. I smiled. We’d spoken on Tuesday night, after I’d gotten back from Hanna’s and given him the rundown on my “gang." It felt a bit juvenile when he said it like that. Maybe I should be offended. They were important to me.

“Good. I’m shopping with Jules and Hanna tomorrow.”

“Hanna’s the married one and Jules is in PR, right?” He grinned as if he knew he’d just aced a test.

“Well remembered.”

“Hanna’s married to Matt and Jules and Adam are single. Daniel is with Leah but Leah is not from University.”

“Er, yes. Thanks for the recap.”

Will laughed. “I just want to make sure I remember who they all are. I’m looking forward to meeting them.”

What? “Oh right.” I didn’t know what to say. I suppose it wasn’t unreasonable for him to assume that he might meet my friends at some point. Some point a long way off in the future.

“In fact, a friend of mine gave me a bunch of tickets to opening night of that new Simon Russell Beale thing at the National Theatre. We could all go, if you’d like. It’s next Thursday.”

He was being sweet and sincere and he was trying hard to please me. “That’s really nice of you, but this week at work is going to be a nightmare for me. Another time, though.” He looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. “Maybe the week after? We could all have dinner together or something.” That seemed to settle him and he took another sip of wine. I mirrored him, relieved I’d dodged the suggestion.

Chapter Six

Lost in thought about the evening, about Will, I fumbled in my bag for my keys, my head a little hazy from the wine. I hated my handbag; it was so big and had so many pockets that I could never find anything. Fuck. I started to empty it out onto my front step, every so often shaking it to see if I could hear a jingle that would give me a clue to where to search. No jingle. No keys. Double fuck.

It was well after midnight. Hanna and Matt would be asleep. The only other person who had a spare set of keys was Adam. He wouldn’t be asleep now, and if he was I wouldn’t feel bad about waking him. Trying to focus on my mobile, I felt more drunk than I had realized. That wasn’t going to incentivize me to get to my 8 a.m. Pilates class.

His number went to voicemail. Jesus, this wasn’t going well. I called back, hoping he just hadn’t heard it the first time.

“Ava?” Adam sounded like he’d just woken up.

“Hey, sorry if I woke you. I’ve had a disastrous evening—can we skip the banter and arguing? Can you bring my spare keys over? I’m locked out.”

“Ava, are you ok? It’s Joel. Adam forgot his phone when he left mine earlier.” Holy fuck.

“Oh god. Sorry. Don’t worry. Sorry to bother you.” Oh god.

“You’re not bothering me. Where are you?” He sounded stern.

“Don’t worry. I’ll think of something.”

“Ava, answer me.”

“I’m outside my flat. It’s fine, though. I‘ll think of something.”

“Give me your address.”

“No it’s fine. Look, I’m going to go.”

“Ava Elliot, give me your address.”

I did as he asked. I could never argue with him when he used that tone with me. And he knew it.

“Are you safe to wait there?”

I mumbled into the phone that I was and he hung up. Was he calling a locksmith or was going to go to Adam’s to get my keys?

Fifteen minutes later, a cab pulled up and Joel stepped out, squinting into the darkness. I stepped out into the streetlight. My breath hitched.

“Hey, come and get in.” Get in? I didn’t argue.

Joel held the door open for me and I clamored into the cab far less elegantly than I would have liked. I scooted over to the other side of the seat and tried to make myself as small as possible. Joel got in beside me, as unselfconscious as always. His long legs fell stretched out in front of him; he had no problem taking up space in this world. I tried to direct my gaze away from him and out of the cab window. It was all too much. Being this close to him, I could touch him if I just moved a couple of inches. His familiar smell engulfed me and I wanted to put my head on his chest and drink it in.

What now? “Where are we going?” I asked quietly.

“My flat,” he replied.

Oh.

“Sorry to do this,” I said.

“It’s fine, Ava. You can stay at mine tonight and get your keys tomorrow.”

If we were just old University friends, he would be right, it would be fine. But we weren’t just old University friends, and staying at his place didn’t feel fine. Not to me. It felt wrong.

“I could just get a hotel.”

He exhaled but didn’t respond.

The rest of the cab journey was spent in silence, the air thick with awkwardness. I closed my eyes and tried to remember happier times, the wine allowing me to block out how much I hated that I didn’t know him anymore, that he didn’t love me any longer.

As we pulled up, I grabbed my wallet. Joel stepped out of the cab first, and before I had a chance he was paying the fare.

“Please let me pay, Joel,” I said as I pushed some cash toward him. He ignored me and headed to the door behind us. Joel greeted the concierge with a nod and headed to the elevator. I followed a couple of steps behind.

“Thanks ... for this and the cab,” I mumbled as the doors closed.

“It’s fine.”

“You keep saying that.”

“What would you prefer?”

“What about, ‘You’re a pain in the ass,’ and ‘How the fuck did you lose your keys’?”

“You mean I should react like Adam would react.”

That’s not what I meant. But he was right; that’s what Adam would have said. I followed him out of the elevator. Straight opposite was a door. The only door. Was his the only flat on this floor?

The door led to a large hallway. Too large for London. It was as big as my bedroom. Joel slung his keys into a bowl on a console table and strode through an arched doorway into darkness.

“Do you want another glass of wine?” he called from wherever he was. I quickly slipped off my shoes and followed his voice. The archway led to a huge open living space. Joel was stood with the fridge door open.

“Another?”

“Yes, another. Are you suggesting for one moment that this one might be your first?”

I gave in to a small laugh. “Sure, I’ll have another glass of wine.”

He brought two wine glasses out of an overhead cupboard and poured chilled wine into each of them. “So did you have a good evening? Before you got locked out, that is?” He went over to the sitting area and took a seat. I followed.

“Er, I guess.”

“With Will?”

I gulped my wine. He was obviously listening to the conversation at Hanna and Matt’s.

“Er, yup.”

He nodded, his eyes on his glass of wine.

“How’s work?” I asked wanting to change the subject.

“Good. Busy. Things are kicking off.”

I nodded, my eyes on my glass. Was he waiting for me for me to say something? Apologize?

“So you’ve not had much time to just hang out, just socialize?” I asked, trying to force lightness into my voice.

“No, not really. Just with the guys a bit, but not really.”

“And Jules, of course.”

He looked at me for the first time since we got into the flat. He had a quizzical look on his face. I shouldn’t have said it.

“I thought you’d had dinner with Jules or something.” I was mumbling.

“Oh right, yes. Next week.”

I’d been deliberately dodging Jules’ phone calls, so I didn’t realize that she and Joel hadn’t caught up. I was relieved.

“Do you mind if I get to bed?” He shifted to the edge of the sofa. “I have a conference call first thing with Beijing and I need to be on it. I can show you a guest room, but feel free to stay up.”

God, I was keeping him up. This evening was just getting worse. “Of course, I’ve got an early start tomorrow, so I’ll head to bed, too.”

He showed me to his guest room, or one of them. “The bathroom is through there, and I think there are some toiletries in there. Toothbrushes and robes and stuff. The housekeeper stocked everything up yesterday.”

“Housekeeper?” I forgot myself and grinned at him. The words didn’t seem to sound right coming out of his mouth.

He grinned back. “I know. We’re grownups now.”

His grin quickly disappeared. It was as if he remembered himself, remembered his indifference to me. A sharp pain sliced through my stomach.

“Joel. I’m so very sorry,” I whispered.

He nodded, a small nod. He knew I wasn’t talking about inconveniencing him this evening. He knew.

“Goodnight, Ava.”

“Goodnight, Joel.”

And he closed the door behind him. I burst into tears and fell back onto the bed.

The good thing about my huge handbag was the amount of stuff I could carry around in it. Through my tears, I fished about and came up with a hair tie, which I put to use, and padded into the bathroom to wash my face. The tears slowed. When I’d finished brushing my teeth, I headed over to the bed, undressed to my bra and panties, and slipped beneath the covers.

A second later, I heard a knock at my door.

“Yes? Come in,” I said trying to hold my voice steady.

He opened the door and stood in the doorway.

“Hey, I thought you might want a T-shirt. You know, to sleep in.”

“Thanks.” He stepped in to give me the blue T-shirt he was holding in his hand and I looked down, trying to conceal my tears.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

I nodded and tears spilled over my cheeks. Clearly not OK.

Tentatively, he stepped into the bedroom. I lay back down on my side, closed my eyes and put my hands over my face, embarrassed and hoping he’d leave the T-shirt and go. I tried to control my breathing.

I felt the bed sink behind me. Oh god, he was still here. On the bed.

Next to me.

I could feel him behind me, separated by the bedcovers. His head sank on the pillow behind me and I felt his breath on my neck. Oh god. I couldn’t handle the tidal wave of emotions that crashed over me. My body shuddered with sobs.

I still loved him.

I would always love him.

I was so, so sorry.

I was devastated to have missed the last eight years of his life, and the rest of our lives together. His arm came over and rested at my waist over the duvet.

“Shhhh,” he whispered and stroked my arm over the duvet.

I reached across for his hand and linked my fingers with his.

We lay like that, neither of us speaking for what seemed like hours. His presence soothed me and I eventually I fell asleep.

I woke the next morning to the sounds of horns. Living in central London did have some downsides. I shot upright to see if Joel was still beside me. There was no sign of him.

Shit, shit, shit. How would I handle this?

I rushed to the bathroom, and despite my intention to leave as soon as possible, I was seduced by what was an amazing shower and an array of super-expensive shampoos, washes, and scrubs. It smelled like a spa. I had to get myself a housekeeper!

It felt good to properly wash my face. It still felt swollen from last night’s tears. God, I felt stupid. I wish he hadn’t seen me like that.

I found a hairdryer and pulled my makeup out of my bag. I wanted to look a bit more put together than when Joel had last seen me. I wondered how he would be with me this morning. Would he be more than indifferent?

I gathered my things, took a deep breath, and headed out to the living area. I didn’t hear any noises. There were no signs of Joel.

Oh.

Should I just go? Looking around for a pen and notepad, I spotted a note on the breakfast bar.

A,

Help yourself to breakfast. I’ve gone to the office for the day. The door just pulls shut.

J.

The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on me. I didn’t tell him why I was crying last night, and today he’d left me to go to work.

Past

“So, only two weeks until the end of term,” Joel said on our way back from the library.

“Yeah, it’s gone so fast.” I was going to miss him. I usually loved Christmas, but four weeks without Joel seemed like it might be the worst of all worlds.

“Have you got plans?” he asked.

“Well, I have my thesis to work on, and we always spend Christmas Day and Boxing Day with my grandparents. So I guess I’ll be doing that.”

“And New Year’s Eve?”

“I don’t know.” I hadn’t wanted to think about the holidays. I wanted to be right here.

“You want to come to mine?” he asked.

“I have to go back. I told you Hanna, Jules, and I have that girls’ night out.”

“I don’t mean tonight. I mean

for New Year’s Eve.”

I stopped dead in the middle of the path and tried not to grin the biggest grin in history.

Joel was looking at me, trying to gauge my reaction, and I peeked out under my lashes at him, “To your parents place?”

“Yeah. They’ll be away, cruising.”

“So, we’ll be alone?” I started walking again, trying to work out what this meant.

“Yeah, my brother is going up to see his girlfriend. I thought you would want to come and see me. Are you scared to be alone with me?” Joel laughed.

Girlfriend ...

It wasn’t that I was scared to be alone with him, but there was something making me feel uncomfortable … and warm and weird and just perfect.

“Sure. OK.”

“OK. So, good.”

“Ok.” I bumped him with my hip.

“Ok, loser.”

We grinned at each other.

“Hey, Joel!” Adam was shouting out of his bedroom window. Joel raised a hand at him and we headed inside. I took my rucksack from Joel and deliberately brushed my hand against his arm. He looked at me; I smiled back.

“Joel!” Adam sang from somewhere upstairs.

“Coming.” Joel headed up the stairs to Adam’s room on the floor above mine.

Part of me desperately wanted to kiss him goodbye, but I knew I couldn’t. I had to keep him, us, about him and us.

Jules tumbled into my room shortly after with her hair rollers and a romper on. I was lying on my bed, contemplating Joel and his question to me.

“What are you wearing?” I asked.

“These are my nightclothes. I like them!”

“Tonight, Jules. What are you wearing tonight?” I rolled my eyes.

“Oh, that red dress I have.” I knew the red dress. It always got Jules plenty of attention, that was for sure. “What are you wearing?”

“Jeans, I think?”

“Jeans? You are not wearing jeans. You are never going to get laid wearing jeans.”

Unlike Jules, I was not man-hunting tonight. I had my man. But of course she didn’t know that. “They’re comfortable, and I don’t really have anything else.”

“Well, I’m going to make you wear that strapless black dress I have. It will look fantastic on you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. My boobs will never fit in that thing.”

“There’s no need to show off, and yes they will, because the material is stretchy. Hang on, I’ll go and get it. Have you had a shower? Come on!”

Nights like this were an endurance test for me. I didn’t enjoy being in noisy bars surrounded by pounding music and drunk guys. I was used to all three individually, but all together was just too much. I wasn’t expecting to have fun tonight, but we were going to cheer up Hanna who had had a huge argument with Matt.

I forced myself into the shower and then into Jules’ black dress. About an hour later we were ready to go. We were meeting there, and we were running late.

Adam and Joel were coming downstairs when we stumbled out of my bedroom, dressed to the nines.

“Holy fuck, girls. You look half-decent for once. You might not die old maids,” Adam snarked.

I left Jules to retaliate. I was too busy grinning at Joel to engage with Adam. His eyes were wide as he took me in.

Jules and Adam started to bicker and Joel and I were left grinning at each other.

Joel cocked his head. “Seriously?” he said.

I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.

“Come on, Ava. I’m not listening to this small-dicked weasel a moment longer,” Jules said.

I was dragged by the arm out into the evening. On my way across the quad, I briefly turned to look back at Joel, who was staring right back at me.

Seriously? Maybe I looked ridiculous.

Before we’d even gotten to the bar, someone had asked for Jules’ number as we were getting out of our cab. She swatted him away, and we found Hanna inside being chatted up by the bartender.

“How’s Matt?” I asked as I leaned in to kiss her cheek.

“Annoying.”

“So ditch him. We’re going to find ourselves some hotties tonight.” Jules leaned over the bar, all her assets on show, and ordered six shots. I was going to pay for this tomorrow.

My phone buzzed against my hip and I grabbed it from my purse.

Seriously? J

My stomach flipped.

Seriously, what? A

Why did he keep saying that?

Seriously, you’re going to dress like that and then not spend the evening with me? Seriously, you’re going to look like that and not let me touch you? Seriously, you’re going to look at me like that and then leave me and my hard on to spend the evening with Adam? Seriously? J

I giggled.

“What are you laughing about? Who are you texting?”

“No one. Just watching that guy crash and burn over there with that girl,” I said. Jules was easy to distract with gossip.

I liked the fact that Joel wanted me to spend the evening with him, wanted to touch me. I wanted to be with him now. I went to the restrooms and texted back.

Ahhhh ... Seriously. A

You are enough to drive an economist wild. J

Wow, the mother of all compliments. A

Know it. J <3

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. It made the evening almost bearable. The fact that Joel would be thinking of me all night, the fact that he made me feel like I looked good, the fact that I had a plan. I relaxed, and instead of pretending to have fun, I realized I was actually having fun. When Hanna came back with shots five and six for us, I realized that I was going to have to be creative if I was going to see my plan through.

“Jules, it’s your song?” I yelled through the opening bars of “Don’t Cha.”

“I love this song! Let’s dance!” she yelled back.

“You two dance, I’ll stay here with our drinks.” I shooed Jules and Hanna away.

They slunk off to the dance floor, followed by most of the male eyes in the house. Plenty of them were clearly wishing they had girlfriends that were hot like them.

I pulled my phone out.

Text me when you’re back at your place? A

Straight away my phone buzzed. Glancing up at Hanna and Jules, they were giving the guys a show—Jules was grinding her way around the dance floor, writhing suggestively around Hanna.

Sure. Just heading there now. We’re done here. You ok? J

I looked at my watch. It was a little past 11. I loved my girls, but I wanted to be with Joel.

Checking that someone else had Jules and Hanna’s attention, I surreptitiously poured two shots into the champagne bucket on the table next to us and put the empty glasses in front of me.

”Don’t Cha” gave way to ”Hung Up,” and Hanna and Jules kept dancing. One guy in particular was trying to get Jules’ attention and he was half-succeeding. He was a good dancer, and although he wasn’t dancing with her, he took several opportunities to talk to her, which of course meant his mouth got very close to her ear. She rewarded him intermittently with a giggle or a flirtatious look but kept dancing with Hanna, who had her own admirers. Eventually, Jules grabbed Hanna’s hand and pulled her off the dance floor back toward me.

“You girls were showing them how it’s done!” I yelled.

“Your turn next, babe,” Hanna smiled.

Jules sat and without saying anything did the two shots in front of her, one straight after the other.

“Come on, Hanna. You’re the only one with a drink. These boys need to feel useful, help them out.”

Jules’ good dancer was wandering in our direction with a couple of friends in tow. Hanna dutifully downed her shots and by the time Good Dancer and his friends arrived at our table to offer to buy us drinks, we all accepted without looking like we were too interested.

“Sure. If you like. We’re drinking vodka,” was Jules’ cool response.

This was a perfect opportunity before Jules lost interest in Good Dancer and Hanna started to worry about getting home to Matt.

“Girls, I’m going to head off. Those drinks went straight to my head.”

“Don’t go!” they yelled simultaneously and started pawing at me as I stood up. “We don’t get to do this very often, Ava. Stay,” Hanna persisted. Normally, Hanna saying in her oh-so-sweet voice would work on me. I would have given in and taken another shot. But I had other plans.

Chapter Seven

Present

“You know Ava locked herself out last night?” Matt said. I was listening to the conversation between the three of them, all of their eyes glued to the Xbox, mine glued to the index of the recipe book I was trying to find coulibiac in for Hanna.

“Shit. I have a set of keys but I left my phone at Joel’s,” Adam said.

“Yeah, she came around this morning to get our spare set,” Matt continued.

Where was this going? Why was my locking myself out so interesting?

“Right,” Adam said. “What? Where did she stay last night?” Joel’s eyes flicked to mine and I went back to the recipe book.

“A friend’s,” Matt said, raising his eyebrows at a confused Adam.

“Did you finally get laid last night?” Adam bellowed across the kitchen.

Jules and Hanna stopped talking and looked back at the boys. I kept my head in the book.

“What are you screeching at, Adam, you pig?” Jules screeched back.

“Ava got laid last night,” Adam said. This was getting out of hand. I wish Adam and Matt could keep out of my love life.

“She did not. Did you, Ava?” asked Jules. I met Joel’s eyes again. Should I say that I stayed at his? Nothing happened. Was he going to say something? Did I want him to say something?

“No, I didn’t get laid last night.”

“You see. I told you.” Jules was happy to be right about my lack of sex life, again.

“So where did you stay?” Adam asked.

“Ask Matt, he seems to know everything about me, apparently.” I slipped off my stool and went to the restroom. Jesus, I hope they were over this by the time I came back.

Apparently, they were. When I came back, they were ensconced around the Xbox again and Jules was lying on the back of the sofa behind Joel. Too close to him. She was asking questions about the game and giggling and generally annoying the shit out of me. This was ridiculous.

“I’m off,” I announced.

Hanna and Matt were having Matt’s boss and his wife over for supper, so I knew Hanna must be stressed. It was the perfect excuse to get the hell out of there.

“Are you out tonight?” Jules asked from her reclining pose on the sofa.

“Yup, dinner with Will.”

“Wanna hang out tomorrow? I need to pick out a sexy date outfit for Tuesday night with this hunk,” she said, her hands roaming across Joel’s back. Joel seemed oblivious—or maybe that was wishful thinking on my part.

“Maybe, I’ll text you.” I let my eyes wander to Joel but he was concentrating on the screen in front of him. Should I have said something? He was going to think nothing had changed. Did it matter if it had?

I texted Will on the way home. I couldn’t face dinner with him tonight.

Past

I knocked at Joel’s door, having touched up my makeup in the cab. No answer. He hadn’t texted to say he had made it home, but his last text said he was heading back. Maybe he changed his mind. I tried again. I saw a figure behind the frost glass in the door, heard some rustling, and then keys in the lock.

“Hey, you.” I grinned at him, hoping he didn’t think I was drunk. I had been careful not to drink too much. I wanted to be fully conscious.

“This is a nice surprise.” He grinned. “I was just texting you to say I’d got home. I’d have stayed home all night if I’d known you were coming.” He opened the door wide and in my very high shoes I teetered inside.

“You say the nicest things.” I laced my fingers through his and lent into him, holding my body against his. “My shoes are very high and my dress is very tight.” I mock-scowled.

“I noticed.”

“Feel how tight it is.” I brought his hands to my waist as he walked me backward toward the kitchen.

“It feels perfect,” he said as he ran his hands down my bottom to the skirt of the too-short dress, tracing the hem around my thighs. Then he stopped abruptly and busied himself in one of the cupboards.

“I think I need to lie down. The shoes, the dress.” I sighed and pushed my hands down my body, carving out my silhouette.

His eyes flicked toward me but he didn’t say anything. He just grinned to himself, found some water glasses, and headed across the hall to his bedroom. I followed and crawled across his bed on my stomach, flicking my feet in the air and crossing my ankles.

“Could you take my shoes off for me?” I asked, my eyes following him around the room. His smile hadn’t left.

“Are you sure? I rather like them on.” He came around behind me and reached for my foot. He bent and kissed the inside of each ankle. I swiveled onto my back and rested on my elbows, my feet in his hands.

“You do?” I asked.

“Of course I do.”

“It’s just this dress is so tight.”

“You’ve mentioned that.” He arched his eyebrow.

“Perhaps you could just unzip it a bit. It might make it a little easier.”

“I could do that. Just to make it a little easier,” he whispered as he brought himself up on the bed, straddling my body. I put my arms over my head, revealing the zipper in the side of the dress.

He brought his hand to the bottom of the dress and trailed it up to my waist, up higher, pausing to briefly to cup my boob. I arched into him, but he ignored me and moved his hand to the top of the zipper. He pulled it down an inch.

“Is that better?” His eyes had darkened.

“A bit more.” I bit my lip to stifle a grin.

“More? That dress must be really tight, baby.” Without his eyes leaving mine, he unzipped another inch. I stayed silent.

“More?”

I nodded.

Slowly, tantalizingly, he pulled the zipper down as far as it would go and then trailed his finger back up the path on my naked skin. I rolled to my side, allowing his fingers better access. He bent toward me and started kissing the line of exposed flesh. Small, delicate kisses that set my skin alight. I loved the way his stubble grazed me slightly every now and then, reminding me of his masculinity, as if I could forget. His hands stroked my thighs, shifting my dress higher and higher. I moved onto my stomach and he pulled the fabric away from my body, revealing my back.

“Your skin is so soft,” he said, bending and kissing my back.

“It feels good to be kissed like that.”

He brushed my hair away from my back and his kisses started again raining down, tracing the lines of my shoulder blades, right up my neck and down my spine, lower and lower until he reached the edge of my dress. He didn’t try to remove it, he just occupied himself with the flesh on display. My entire body was shivering from desire. Did he feel this?

I gently twisted under him to lie on my back. His kisses didn’t stop; he licked the top of my breasts just above the fabric. My hands found the back of his head and I urged him lower.

Then he stopped, and abruptly fell to the bed on his back, his hand finding mine.

“Jesus, Ava.”

“Hey. I was enjoying that.” I went to reach across for his torso and he pulled away before I reached him.

“You’re going to have to give me a minute. I need to cool down.”

I frowned.

I kneeled over him and stroked his taught stomach under his T-shirt. “I like you hot.”

Joel growled and grabbed both arms, flipped me to my back, and pushed my arms to above my head.

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously. I like you hot!”

“Ava, seriously, how am I meant to keep things between us on a certain level if you come back to my place, dressed like this, looking like this, saying things like that?”

“A certain level?”

“Yes, a certain level.”

“Maybe I want things at a new level.”

“Ava ... I want you so badly, but I don’t want you to feel … ” he whispered sitting up and cupping my face in his hands.

“Joel, I’m trying pretty hard to seduce you, and I’m starting to feel silly. I don’t know how else to show you that my body is begging for you.”

He pulled his face toward me and crushed his lips to mine. He fell back, pulling me with him, my body on his. “Can you make this outfit your study uniform?” he growled into my ear while pulling his hands up my thighs, under my skirt and finding my underwear. “I love how it’s so tight on you. Your breasts are bursting out of the top. But I only want you to wear it for me from now on.”

“In private study sessions?” I asked.

“Yup. Like this one.”

He rolled me over to my back and lay on his side facing me, trailing his hand up and down my thigh, stopping just short of my underwear, looking at me. I closed my eyes as his hand traveled up, wishing it higher.

“Look at me, Ava.”

I opened my eyes into his and without hesitation I reached for the top of my dress and pushed it slowly down my body, revealing my breasts, my stomach, my waist, my underwear, my legs. I tossed the dress away.

“Do you have anything?” I asked, unsure of how to ask. “I mean, I’ve been tested and I have the pill … but …”

Joel looked at me, “I do and, I’ve been tested, too. I’m fine, and I’ve never—not without something—but with you, it’s different. I don’t want anything between us.”

I nodded. “Me neither.”

Joel took a deep breath. I took his hand from my leg and moved it up to my breast.

“You are so perfect, Ava.” He cupped my breast and inched forward. He took my bottom lip between his teeth and bit me slightly. He continued to palm my breast, his flesh against mine. I reached for him, but he shifted away from me. He dipped his head to my neck and created a path of kisses between my breasts, down to my stomach. When he got to my underwear he licked a line above their hem, leaving my skin hot and desperate. I wanted him to rip them off, for him to bury himself in me. But Joel was right—he was a patient man.

I threw my head back, and he brought his hands to my hips and dragged my underwear slowly, tantalizingly, down to expose my sex. The coolness of the room’s air mixed with the anticipation of what was to come made me shiver. I could feel his breath on my thighs. He was so close to me, to that part of me. I heard him suck air into his lungs and the thought of him breathing me in, smelling me and my arousal for him, made me moan.

He responded by bending my legs and pushing them apart.

“Joel.” Suddenly I felt exposed, on display. I moved my knees together.

“No, Ava. I want to see you. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” He gently parted my knees again and I covered my eyes with my arm, embarrassed. “Don’t look away, Ava. You should see how much I love to look at you. I can already see you glistening for me.” His words added to my arousal. “You’re right, your body is begging for me. You are so ready.”

His fingers began to rhythmically stroke the insides of my legs, stopping inches away from my sex. It was torture. I wanted to feel him, there. But Joel was in no rush. His fingers were replaced by his tongue and he slowly made his way from my ankle up my leg, stopping to taste the sensitive flesh at the back of my knee, moving up my inner thigh, up, up, up, and then he stopped just before he got where I wanted him, where I needed him. I threw my hands onto the mattress in frustration and I felt him smile against my skin. He moved his attention to my other leg and repeated the delicious torture. I tried to grab him; I needed him to know what I needed, but just as I thought it would be too much to bear, I felt his breath on me.

“So beautiful, Ava.”

Then I felt his tongue on me. Softly, almost not touching me, just a fraction heavier than the air.

“Oh, Joel.” My hands found his hair and I pushed them into his unruly waves and bucked under him.

He pushed his tongue flat against my clitoris and stopped until I stilled. And then gently he pushed against me, down, deeper. I felt the warmness in my belly spread across my stomach, through my limbs, up my spine. What was he doing to me, I’d never felt this ... pleasure, yes, but more than that ... it was connection ... it was intimacy. I was giving myself to him and it felt right.

Any embarrassment, any shyness had been replaced by sheer desire. His tongue flicked and pushed and circled and it became too much. I thrust my hips upward and he caught my bottom in the air. He pulled me forward, onto him, his tongue thrusting and pushing into me, twisting and turning. And his fingers, his fingers were on my clitoris, rubbing, circling. Oh yes. I could feel that warmness turn to fiery heat.

“Joel. I’m ... Joel.” It was all I could manage as my orgasm gripped me. I tore at the sheets beneath me and my body went rigid as the waves washed through me.

I slumped into the bed and I felt Joel’s tongue trailing up my stomach.

“You are so sexy when you come. So open, so out of control.”

He was right. Being with him, I let him into every corner of my body and brain. This was not about me being in control, getting things done. This was about me wanting him and not having any choice but to give myself to him.

I brought my hands around his back and realized that at some point he had taken his shirt off. I opened my eyes to find him looking in mine. He leaned forward and kissed me briefly on the lips, but I held him to me and deepened the kiss. I tasted myself on him. It was a secret between us. This was how I tasted.

I pushed my hands down and found the waistband of his jeans. I wanted his body next to mine. Skin touching skin. Flesh touching flesh.

“You know this is it for me. You’re it for me,” he said in my ear as I unbuckled his belt. I nodded. I did know. I knew this, what we were about to do, had the power to end it for me, and he felt it, too. Maybe that’s why he’d held me back for so long. Maybe it was as much about him protecting himself as him protecting me. Even before tonight, I knew that I would never be the same after Joel. It would be forever about him. I didn’t want—I wouldn’t want—anything else, whatever happened.

Joel kicked his jeans off and we lay there side by side, stroking each other’s contours, watching each other’s fascination with the other. I loved the way his shoulders rounded into his arms. I was mesmerized by his hard chest and how it reminded me of the beach, like wet, ridged sand. He trailed his fingers along the seam separating my breasts, my nipples pebbled, around my waist and down to my bottom.

I pulled my eyes from him and looked between us. He shifted toward me, just slightly, but it was enough for me to know that he wanted more. He wanted me. I reached down and grasped him, thick in my fist. His breath caught. And he grasped my wrist.

“Let me go. I have to take this slow or I won’t last long.”

I did as he asked and brought my hands to his shoulders. He pushed me gently to my back and kissed me, keeping his eyes locked with mine. I felt him against my stomach. The anticipation was almost too much. This may not have been the first time I’d had sex, but it was the first time I’d been intimate with a man, and the first time a man had been intimate with me.

Intimate.

Open.

Raw.

Bound, forever.

With his forearms either side of my head, he lifted himself over me, hovering. I parted my legs, bringing my knees up to lead him to where I wanted him to go. He nudged at my entrance and looked at me, asking me if I was sure, if I was ready. In answer, I pushed my hips to his.

“Oh, baby.” His eyes closed as he pushed inside, just a fraction.

“More, Joel.”

He pulled out suddenly.

“Fuck,” he hissed. “I don’t know . . .”

“Joel, I want you inside me.” I grabbed his bottom and pulled him toward me, but he resisted.

“Lie still, Ava,” he said. I released my hands from his bottom and brought them up his back. Then quickly, without warning, he buried himself deep in me, pushing my legs further apart.

I was winded by the feeling of fullness that overcame me.

“You are so tight, Ava, so good,” he whispered into my neck as he pulled out. I grabbed onto his shoulders.

His words released something in me and I moved, swaying my hips deeper into the mattress. He mirrored me and pulled out and we found our rhythm. Both desperate to be closer, deeper.

A dullness in my core started to rumble and I cried out. “Joel, yes.” I grabbed at him, but not able to tell him what I felt—not understanding it myself—I put my mouth on his shoulder and pushed my teeth into his skin. He cried out and I bit harder. I felt his fingertips at my hips, pressing into me, into the soft skin. I hoped they would leave a mark, a branding on me.

The rumbling in my core spread slowly at first, and then it gathered pace, pushing into every atom of me. And the feel of Joel buried deep inside me, his fingers on me, his breath covering me, my senses were all his. I felt myself break apart in slow motion under him. He bent forward to kiss me. I silently screamed into his mouth, desperate for him to feel what I felt right at that moment.

He pulled out from me and I lay there, loose, boneless.

My eyes closed, I felt Joel lick the throbbing pulse in my neck as if trying to tame it. It did the opposite. I tried to lift my arm, to stroke his chest, but I had no movement. I felt him move to the side of me, pulling my limp body toward him, my back to his torso. He pushed my top knee up, so my legs parted and I felt him enter me.

Right. Up. To. The. Hilt.

Oh, Christ. I reached my arm around to his head pushed my fingers through his hair, twisting so I could watch his face. He was right there, in this moment with me, behind me, pushing into me, taking me. It was oh-so-slow, oh so right.

“You are delicious,” he said. “Every beautiful part of you, delicious.”

He grabbed my breasts, dragging his thumbs across my nipples. What was that? That sensation that he found there, with just the right amount of pressure. His hips circled behind me and I pushed back, forcing him deeper into me.

“Be careful, Ava. I’m close. I want you with me when I go.” I was almost there. I pulled his arm from my breast down to my stomach.

“Touch me,” I whispered. “Please, Joel.” I pushed his hand further down and his fingers found my clitoris.

“Like this, baby? Is this what you like?” I nodded. “Talk to me. Tell me what you like.”

“I like your fingers exploring me.”

“You do? Do you like me to feel how silky wet you are?”

I nodded. “Yes.” That familiar buzz was reverberating across my body.

“What else?”

“You inside me,” I gasped.

“Inside you, like this.” He brought his other arm under and across my body and he held my shoulder as he pushed deeper into me. “You like feeling so full of me?”

Words were beyond me.

He increased the rhythm of his body behind me, and his fingers pushed harder around my nub. A film of sweat coated our bodies, providing a shield between us and the rest of the world. I bucked beneath him but he kept me held tight, held close to him, pulling away only to drive deeper. I felt an unraveling in my stomach and I ...

“Joel ...”

I was there, juddering around him, clenching him, my climax pulling his from him.

“Ava,” he moaned, and I felt him pour himself into me.

We stayed lying there, connected, knowing things had shifted forever. Afraid that moving might shift things back. I wanted to stay right there, in that moment. Nothing could ever be that perfect again. I was sure of it.

Chapter Eight

Present

After a sleepless night, I texted Jules to say I would pop over at 11 a.m. to look at outfits for an hour if she promised to take me to a boozy brunch. Having thought of nothing else all night, I reasoned that if I helped Jules pick out an outfit, I could make sure it would be something Joel wouldn’t like.

Was that entirely selfish? Yup.

Was I entirely ok with that? Yup.

Desperate times called for desperate measures. The thought of the love of my life dating one of my closest friends was just too horrifying.

“So, how was Will? Did he leave this morning?” Jules looked horrific, hungover.

“He canceled dinner. I spent the night in.”

“Oh, you should have come out with us. We had such a fantastic night!” My heart sank. Had she gone out with Adam and Joel? “We ended up at that karaoke bar in Soho. Oh my god!” She clamped her hands over her mouth. “I just remembered. I snogged that hot guy in Finance.” Oh yes, that was right, it had been a work thing that she went to last night. I tried to hide my relief.

“What hot guy?”

“You know—the wheatgrass man.” Jules set her sights on him when he first started about six months ago, but had convinced herself that he was gay because he hadn’t responded to any of her flirting. This was a good thing, a very good thing. It might take the focus off Joel for a bit. Or forever. The wheatgrass man might be The One for Jules.

“So, I was thinking about short and sexy for Tuesday. What do you think?” Jules interrupted my mental planning of her wedding with wheatgrass guy.

“Oh, so you’re still going on Tuesday.”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, you know, you kissing wheatgrass guy, I just thought …”

Jules started laughing. “Come on. This is Joel Wentworth. I’m not giving up a dinner with Joel Wentworth because I kissed some guy in Finance.” What did she mean Joel Wentworth? “So short and sexy?”

“I guess,” I said helpfully. “Let’s see what you had in mind.”

Jules looked amazing in short and sexy. “Is it too much?” she asked. I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised. She looked amazing in most things. What was I thinking? That I was going to convince Jules to look hideous when she went to dinner with Joel? I’m not sure Jules could even look hideous if she tried.

“Too much for what? Where are you going?”

“He hasn’t said where he’s taking me, but it’s bound to be nice, right? I mean, he’s loaded.” I cringed at her reference to his money. That wasn’t what he was about.

“I suppose so. Are you serious about this thing with him?” I asked, desperate for her to say no.

“I think maybe this is too much.” She pulled off the sequined, one-shoulder dress and flung it at me before she dove back into her closet.

“So?”

“This would be good.” She was ignoring me. I couldn’t tell if she was doing so on purpose. She pulled on some bright green jeans. I was pretty sure my Joel would hate them. I wasn’t sure about Eight Years Later Joel. Despite myself, I shook my head.

“I don’t know if I’m serious about him. I really like him. He’s rich and gorgeous. We’ll have dinner, I’ll see if he’s good in bed. I don’t have to decide now, do I?”

She would see if he was good in bed? Perhaps I should just tell her that we had a thing and then the girl code would kick in and she wouldn’t be able to sleep with him. Is that how girl code worked?

“No. I guess not.” I wished I liked Will more. I was going to make more of an effort with him. I pulled out my phone from my jeans pocket.

“Who are you texting?” She was pulling on a blue dress.

“Will.”

“You must have it bad. Is he good in bed?” Perhaps she hadn’t believed me yesterday when I said I didn’t get laid.

Now it was time for me to ignore her.

Sorry about last night. Are you around this evening?

“Were you lying when you said he canceled? Did you actually shag all night? Is that why you’re in such a grump today?”

“I’m not in a grump.”

“Well, you’re not sweetness and light either, are you? I would have thought you’d be in a permanent good mood now you’re getting some.”

What was the obsession with my sex life? Was it weird that I hadn’t slept with Will yet?

“Do you want to meet him?”

She stopped what she was doing and looked at me. “Will?”

“Yes Will, who did you think I meant, my window cleaner?”

“Wow.”

“What wow?”

“Yes of course we want to meet him. When? Where?”

“Who are 'we'?” I wasn’t sure why I asked. I knew the answer, I was sure there would have been discussion about Will when I wasn’t around. Me dating would be big news.

“We. Your friends.”

“Dinner maybe. Next week or something.”

“Are you going to marry this guy?”

“Jesus, it’s dinner, Jules, not a wedding.”

Past

“So I’ll see you in a few weeks, I guess,” Joel said as we were walking back from the library on the last day of term.

“I’ll see you tonight, though?” I panicked at the thought of not seeing him every day. I worried that whatever he saw in me would suddenly disappear when we left this place. Our perfect spell would be broken.

“Yes, of course, but Adam’s crashing over with Daniel so this is ...” he didn’t finish his sentence. He meant this was our last time in our bubble, just us. My stomach churned. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t look at him.

As we arrived at our block, Joel’s fingers brushed mine between us and instead of flinching as I normally did if he ever touched me in public, I brushed against him. “I’ll see you tonight, Ava, and then again for New Year’s Eve. And we can talk on the phone.” I nodded. It wasn’t the same.

That evening, in preparation for the end of semester party, I wore the dress I wore on our first night together. As I slipped it on, I remembered him peeling it off me, kissing every inch of exposed flesh. I wanted him to remember. I wanted to remember.

“Wow, you look great, Ava.” Jules bounced into my room carrying two plastic glasses, containing a clear liquid I didn’t think was water judging on Jules’ good mood.

“Thanks. So do you.” Jules always looked good.

“Thanks. I’m desperate to hook up with someone tonight.” Jules collapsed on my bed as I finished my makeup. “Is Joel shagging anyone at the moment?”

Sirens blared in my head. Joel? Was she kidding? I shrugged.

“I’ve not seen him with anyone in a while. I might make my move tonight,” she said. I didn’t say anything. I was sure if I did I would give myself away. “Have you got your eye on anyone? It’s our last year at Uni, Ava. Our last year as irresponsible adults. It all goes downhill after this. You need to make the most of it.”

“Thanks, I’ll bear it in mind.”

“Alright. God, I hope you cheer up.” She was right. I just wasn’t in the mood.

Adam, Daniel, and Matt were already halfway through their drinks when we arrived at the pub to begin our big night out. Where was Joel? We got our drinks and shuffled into the booth next to the boys. I kept glancing at the door waiting for Joel. God I hope he didn’t bail.

Daniel was making a lewd joke about one of his professors when I felt Joel. My smile widened at Daniel, but not at his joke. I was on the outside edge of the booth with Jules beside. When Joel came over, he scooted in next to me. Every part of his leg touching every part of mine. I felt better instantly.

“I’ve ordered shots. They’re bringing them over,” he said.

“What? Joel Wentworth gets waitress service? Did you shag the barmaid?” Adam seemed quite put out. Joel just grinned.

He turned to me and said quietly so as not to make a big deal about it, “Nice dress.” He grinned.

I grinned back. “Thanks. It’s one of my favorites. It has magic powers.”

Joel raised his eyebrows. “I can only imagine.”

“Do you like my dress, Joel?” Jules interrupted.

Joel’s eyes flicked to Jules and he smiled, “Looks great.” And he turned his attention straight back to me.

“You have a very active imagination.” I raised my eyebrows right back at him, grinning. I was feeling brave. And at that moment, I didn’t care if people saw us flirting. I was enjoying his attention too much.

“You know it.” His hand that rested on his thigh dipped and his fingers brushed my exposed leg, one finger pushing under the hem of my skirt, just a tiny bit. I held my breath. What was he doing? His hand rested back on his thigh. “Breathe,” he whispered to me, and then he asked Adam, “What were you talking about?”

It was excruciating being so close to him, being able to smell him, his leg touching mine, but not being able to properly touch him like I wanted to.

I downed my shot as soon as it arrived. I caught Jules looking at me quizzically and then at Joel and then back at me. I excused myself to go to the restroom. We were on the verge of being found out. Sober me knew I didn’t want the pressure and scrutiny on what Joel and I had. Whatever we had couldn’t survive it. Sober me knew I wanted to keep what we had between us. Sober me knew that I didn’t want to risk it, not for anything, and certainly not because I was feeling hot and horny tonight.

I kept my distance from him for the rest of the night. We moved on to our favorite club and Daniel, Matt, Joel, and Adam propped up the bar while Hanna, Jules, and I tore up the dance floor. He didn’t try to make an excuse to touch me. He didn’t try to have a conversation with me. I caught his eye a couple of times but he didn’t hold my gaze. It was as if we were just friends on a night out together. He was acting exactly how I wanted him to act. Part of me was relieved. Part of me was, well, disappointed.

Jules and I were dancing on our own. We’d had enough alcohol that it didn’t matter what we were dancing to. I could feel the bass thunder through my feet. The dance floor was packed; we were surrounded by sweaty bodies intent on squeezing the last drop of enjoyment from the last night of term. I flung my head back and my arms in the air. This had been such a fantastic semester. I had fallen in love, had the most amazing sex, found my best friend.

We were attracting some attention. Jules was in a world of her own, enjoying the chaos, the music. A guy came up behind her and pressed his body against hers, his front to her back, clearly moving in for the kill. She made the most of it and wiggled her bum at him. I was about to get dropped by her, I could tell. I looked around to find Hanna but she must have disappeared to get a drink or grope Matt or something. I felt arms around my waist and for a moment I thought it was Joel. But it didn’t feel like him, and he wouldn’t be so reckless, would he? I spun around and came face to face with a very tall, very handsome member of the rugby team. I knew his face but not his name. Oh.

My eyes shot to the bar to see if Joel had seen us. He was busy in conversation with Adam and two girls from my Tuesday International Law class. They were pretty, both of them.

“You look hot,” he shouted into my ear, his arms circling my waist as we continued to dance.

“I am. It’s boiling in here.”

He threw his head back and laughed. “No, sexy hot.” Oh.

“Well, I can confirm that I’m definitely temperature hot,” I shouted back.

“I’ve seen you around. I thought you might be going out with Joel, but he said you were just friends when I asked him.” Joel said we were just friends?

“Oh, yes, friends.”

“So you’re not seeing anyone?”

My heart was Joel’s, there was no mistake about that. But I wasn’t prepared to answer questions about my romantic status. I just shrugged and he ran his hands across my bottom. Holy cow. I looked over at the bar again. Joel was scanning the dance floor while the blond International Lawyer was tiptoeing to reach his ear. He didn’t seem to be discouraging her attentions. Was he looking for me?

I pushed my hands up the arms of the rugby hunk and pressed firmly against his biceps in an effort to put a bit of distance between us. He just pulled my hips toward him and moved us both to the music. Christ, I could feel his erection pushing against me. I needed to get out of this situation. Where was Jules?

“I need to grab some water,” I said.

“OK, I’ll come with you.”

“No you stay here. I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Don’t be long, sexy.” He bent to kiss my neck and ground against me for a final time and then released me. My pulse was racing. I just wanted Joel.

I started to make my way to the bar, looking for Joel. I caught his eye and he looked away and back at the blonde, turning his body into her as if he didn’t want me to interrupt them. I could feel my jealousy ramp up a level. As I got closer, I could see Adam with the blonde’s friend. Where were Matt and Daniel?

Joel’s back was toward me and when I reached him, I tapped him on the shoulder. Without moving his body, he swiveled his head in my direction.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he replied sharply and turned back to his blonde.

“Joel?” I half-shouted at his back.

“What?” he said without looking at me.

“I’m leaving.”

“On your own?” he spat. Did I hear that right?

“Jules is still on the dance floor.” He didn’t respond, as if he couldn’t wait for me to leave. I could feel my eyes start to well. Why was he being so shitty? I didn’t want to leave him with the blonde, but he didn’t seem to want me to stay. “See you around,” I said and started to make my way to the exit.

I had just reached the door when someone grabbed me from behind. I twisted around to break free and came face to face with Joel.

“What the fuck, Ava?!” he screamed at me and let go of my arm.

I headed out into the parking lot. The air was cold and I could feel my face tighten.

I heard Joel behind me.

“What the fuck!” he screamed again. Why was he screaming?

I didn’t know what was going on. I knew I wasn’t going to see him for two weeks. I knew that he had spent the evening talking to some blonde and ignoring me.

I stopped but I didn’t turn around, folding my arms close around me. I couldn’t speak. I could feel my throat tightening.

“What the fuck, Ava,” he said again, quieter this time, almost exasperated.

I turned around and he was leaning up against the side of the wall, his hands running through his hair. I took a couple of steps toward him so I was standing a few feet away.

“Do you not want this?” he asked, gesturing between us.

“What?” I choked. All I wanted was him. He knew that.

“Us, Ava. Do you want to end things?”

“What? No. Why—”

“You don’t want anyone to know about us and you flinch if I touch you in public. You spend your night writhing around the dance floor, dancing sexy as hell, putting on a show for every drunken twat in the place. You start dirty dancing with a guy I know for a fact wants in your underwear.” He bowed his head not looking at me. It sounded bad when he listed things like that.

I moved closer to him, my arms still hugging my chest, so close my body was touching his. “I’m sorry.”

He stayed still. Cold. Hard. I unraveled my arms and slid them around his waist and pressed my face onto his chest. He didn’t move. “I was dancing for you, thinking about you,” I whispered. “How could you think I want anyone but you?”

He rested his chin on the top of my head. “Shit, Ava.”

“I hated seeing you with that blonde from my class.” I wanted to rip the hair from her head.

“I was just keeping her occupied while Adam tried to get with her friend.” I pulled my face from his chest and looked up at him and raised my eyebrows. He sighed, “And I suppose I was trying to make you a little jealous.”

“It worked.”

I put my head back on his chest and pulled his arms around me and squeezed closer to him. I felt the air shift around us. A crack of thunder sounded somewhere off in the distance.

“It’s good to know.”

We stayed silent, holding each other like that. He couldn’t know how much I wanted him. He couldn’t understand how much any person could want a person the way that I wanted him. The thought of how much he could hurt me was overwhelming, and at that moment I considered running. Going back to my room, packing up, and leaving. Not going to visit him during the holidays. Distancing myself from him. It would be safer that way. I loved him and I was fighting it every inch of the way, making it as difficult as I could.

But I didn’t run.

Instead, I tilted my head up and pushed my hands to the back of his neck. “Kiss me.”

He looked at me as if he hadn’t heard me right.

“Kiss me,” I said again. Slowly, he bowed his head to mine and lightly brushed his lips against mine. I pulled his bottom lip between my teeth and I felt the corners of his mouth turn up.

I pushed my tongue through his lips, searching for his. His hands wrapped around my face, holding me close to him. At that moment, I didn’t care that anyone leaving the club right now would see us. All I wanted in that moment was Joel to see inside me, see how much I needed him. I couldn’t tell him, but I needed him to know. His tongue grew more insistent, as if he were trying to understand, trying to reach a part of me that I had hidden.

I felt heat run through my body and the first drops of rain on my face. The thunder cracked again, closer now, louder.

“Joel,” I whispered, as if I were asking for something more from him. Asking him to see me the way I saw him. In answer, he spun us around, my back grazing the wall.

His eyes were dark, serious. I’d never seen him like this before. He crashed into me, his whole body pushing me into the wall. I brought my arms to his shoulders. I loved how big he was. How physically overpowering he was. He hitched me up the wall and pulled my legs around him. He buried his head in my neck, sucking and licking. I groaned as I felt his erection straining against me. The rain started to fall heavier, big drops. I licked his jaw, tasting the rain, tasting him.

“Be mine, Ava.” How could he not know that I already was?

“Always.”

Present

It was 10:33 p.m., exactly three minutes since I had last looked at the clock and about an hour and a half since I started pacing.

It was Tuesday night. The night of Jules and Joel’s date. They were meeting at 7 p.m. at the restaurant. I took that as a good sign. If he were trying to impress her, he would have picked her up, wouldn’t he? Surely dinner would be over by now. Should I text her to see how it went? See if they were still out? Or at his place? Or hers? No. No. No.

I needed to go to bed. Tomorrow was going to be a busy day in the office. I needed to sleep. I paced over to the fridge and poured myself a glass of wine. Wine would help. Being still. That’s what I needed to do. Be still. I turned the TV on and sat down. No. More. Pacing.

My phone was in front of me and I’d checked at least 43 times that it wasn’t on silent. If Jules texted me, I would know. But it didn’t stop my eyes from flicking to the phone’s screen every couple of minutes. Would he have sex with her? Would he think so little of me, of what we had? Eight years is a long time. Maybe what we were had changed for him. Maybe he’d convinced himself we were something else. Something less.

***

I opened my eyes to be greeted by an empty bottle of wine. Jesus, I must have fallen asleep in front of the TV. I was a mess. I checked my phone. There was a text from Will asking if I wanted to go see a movie that evening. Nothing from Jules. Urgh. I couldn’t think of anything but my pounding head. I slung my phone on the coffee table and headed into the shower. It was 8 a.m. I should be in the office.

When I finally got to work, I emailed Will to say I could meet him. He was a nice guy. I was making an effort with him, right? It would be good to distract myself with something.

By the time work finished, I was exhausted. The last thing I wanted to do was meet Will, but I couldn’t cancel on him again. I was going to meet him in Leicester Square. I liked the fact he wasn’t taking me to anything remotely art-housey. I couldn’t cope with subtitles, not on a day like today. No, we were doing a blockbuster, and that was ok with me. Anything that involved Hugh Jackman could never be bad.

“Hey, beautiful.” Despite the rain, he greeted me outside with a kiss on my cheek, and I found myself smiling without forcing myself. He was a really nice guy. He’d already bought our tickets. Again, he was lovely.

“Hey, Will. How was work?” Work was a safe topic, right?

“Great, because I had a date with you to look forward to all day.”

“You smoothie.” We both laughed.

Once we were in our seats with our popcorn, Will reached over and took my hand, and I let him. It felt nice.

Chapter Nine

Past

Joel was supposed to be picking me up from the station nearest his house. The journey felt like it had taken days. I was so excited to see him that I wanted to fast-forward the bits without him. I couldn’t see him as I searched the concourse. The train was over half an hour late, so maybe he thought I’d missed the train and left.

I saw his grin before I saw anything else. About 50 feet away, he was standing stock still as people rushed past either side of him. His hands were in his pockets and there he was, grinning at me. I couldn’t help but stop and grin back. His hair had grown and somehow it looked lighter than usual. I ran at him, pulling my case behind me. As I reached him I released my hand on my case and it fell with a crash to the floor. I jumped up and wrapped my legs around him. He caught me and laughed into my neck as I hugged him as hard as I could.

“Anyone would think you were pleased to see me¸” he said.

I pulled my head to his and started kissing his forehead, his nose, his cheeks, and finally his lips.

“I am very pleased to see you, and unless you want us arrested for public indecency, I suggest you take me home and get me naked.” Two weeks had seemed like an eternity.

“Hmmm, about that.”

I jumped down from Joel and he picked up my case from the marble tile. We headed to the car, my arms wrapped around Joel’s middle, his free arm slung across my shoulder. “About what?”

“The naked thing. I don’t want you to freak out, but things have kind of shifted on my end.”

My stomach hit the floor. What was he saying? Didn’t he want me here?

“My parents’ plane was canceled this morning. Bad weather. They are on another plane tomorrow morning. They’ll be gone before you wake up.”

It took me a few seconds to digest what he was saying. “So your parents are at your house?”

“Yes.”

“And we are heading to your house now, me and you?”

“Yes.”

“Your parents’ house, where your parents are going to be?”

“Yes.” He really wasn’t giving me much here.

“So I’m going to meet your parents?”

“Yes.”

“OK.” I had the facts. I just wasn’t sure what I was going to do with them yet. “Are they expecting me?”

“Yes.”

“Who are they expecting?”

“You.”

“But who am I?” I looked at Joel and he was grinning at me as if I were ridiculous or something. We arrived at his car and he put my case in the trunk. “You know what I mean. To them, who am I?”

“Oh, just some girl. You’re not the first one who’s stayed this holiday. No pressure.” I bumped his leg with my hip. “My girlfriend. To them, to me.”

“OK.”

“OK,” he mimicked.

“OK, loser.”

“OK, girlfriend.”

I liked the sound of that.

“Oh my god. No nakedness?”

Joel just winked.

Mr. and Mrs. Wentworth couldn’t have been more welcoming. In fact, I was unpacking my suitcase in Joel’s bedroom. It felt wrong somehow. Yes we were sleeping together, but sharing a bed in his parents’ house? When his parents were in the house? Joel came up behind me, his arms creeping around my waist.

“It is so good to see you, to have you here.”

“It’s good to be here.” I swiveled in his arms to face him.

He bent to kiss me briefly on the lips. “That last night of term was ... crazy. I wasn’t sure we’d still be us after. You know?” I nodded and pulled the collar of his shirt toward me, bringing his lips to mine again.

We had spoken most days while we’d been away from Uni, but I knew what he meant. That last night had been so desperate between us, like an ending. It wasn’t until now that I realized that it so easily could have been. Jealousy, secrets, and unspoken feelings: They brought out the worst in us both. It was all so complicated. But being here like this with him, it wasn’t. When it was just Joel and me, it was easy.

“Are you finished unpacking?”

“Nearly, I just need a few moments to freshen up. Shall I meet you downstairs?”

“I was hoping for a little naked time.”

“That is so not going to happen. Your parents are downstairs, Joel! I can’t believe you are even suggesting that!”

“Calm down, I just wanted to get a reaction. You are so easy.”

Easy, huh? I had no doubt that, had I offered it up, Joel would have taken naked time right there and then. There was no way that was going to happen. Not tonight. We’d waited this long, another night wasn’t going to kill us. Probably.

The evening was very relaxed. We all had takeout as Mr. and Mrs. Wentworth hadn’t realized they would be home. There was something equalizing about take-out food. Joel kept his leg touching mine all through dinner. I loved how he had to touch me. It made me feel like he felt about me the way I felt about him.

“It’s been so lovely to finally meet you.” Mrs. Wentworth gathered me up in a big hug before heading up to bed for an early night. “Come back and see us again soon, when we’re here a bit longer. And I hope Joel looks after you during your stay. Don’t make her watch football the whole time.”

I blushed at the reference to us being on our own. I bet she knew we’d be fucking like bunnies before they’d reversed the car out of the driveway.

“It’s been lovely to meet you both, too.” It was true, it had. It had been unexpected. I came here to spend time with Joel and meeting his parents somehow felt like I’d spent longer with him than I had. I knew him better by meeting them. I grinned at him over his mother’s shoulder.

“You look happy,” he said to me as we started clear up the take out cartons after dinner. I smiled. I was happy. “My mom likes you.” He wrapped his arms around me, stopping me tidying the table.

“I like her.”

“I guess that makes life a lot easier all around,” he said. I didn’t ask him what he meant. I preferred to imagine.

Joel stayed attached to my waist as I finished clearing up the kitchen. He kept trying to kiss my neck and I kept pushing him off me. The last thing I wanted to do was have Mr. Wentworth come down for a glass of milk and find his son dry humping me against the refrigerator.

I then insisted we watched TV. It was early, not even 9 p.m. Too early to go to bed. It was something we never did together. Life at Uni was all studying, or exploring each other mind and body. Sitting together felt different. Good different but different. Joel sat with his feet out in front of him on the footstool and he reached out his arm, encouraging me to snuggle into him. He was delicious. Hard and soft at the same time and he smelled of home. He stroked my hair and it felt perfect.

My eyes fell open as Joel was putting me into bed. What time was it? He still had all his clothes on. It must have been early still. It was dark in the bedroom, he’d not switched the lights on. I could see the light through the curtains from the streetlamps.

We’d not slept the whole night together before. I always went home to my room to avoid anyone asking questions. Even on the occasions when I had fallen asleep, I always woke up in the middle of the night and let myself out to creep back to my bed. This seemed ... real. It made us seem real. The thought was comforting. I reached out to Joel as he pulled the duvet around me.

“Hey,” I whispered.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” he whispered back. I pulled at his T-shirt, trying to bring him closer to me. I wanted him.

He dove across me onto the bed and lay on his side facing me. I moved closer to him. “What time is it? Are you parents still here?”

“Yeah. It’s midnight. Five hours to go.” He looked so peaceful here in his home. With me. I brought my lips up to meet his.

“Five hours, hey?” I grinned against his lips.

He pushed me gently onto my back and crawled over me. “Five hours.”

I was fully clothed still, but he pulled the neck of my shirt down. His lips found my collarbone. And again. And again. I squirmed beneath him. “Five hours, Joel.”

“Shhhh.” He sat up and stripped off his T-shirt, leaving him bare-chested. Holy fuck. In just two weeks I’d forgotten how his chest made my heart stop. He crawled under the duvet with just his boxers on and pulled me toward him, my back to his front. I’d missed him. Missed his smell. He kissed my shoulder and buried his face into my neck. We couldn’t get any closer.

Present

It had been three and a half freaking days since Jules’ and Joel’s date. Every night since Tuesday, I had drunk myself to sleep. It was the only way I could get any rest. Today I faced a day in the spa, which was most girl’s idea of heaven, but it wasn’t mine. I completely hated the spa. I hated the fact that most of the time was spent sitting, waiting between appointments. It felt inefficient. But Hanna loved the spa, and it was Hanna’s birthday, so she, Jules, and I were going. It would be the first time I’d spoken to Jules properly after her date with Joel. We had spoken briefly about today and exchanged texts and emails, but Jules hadn’t mentioned Tuesday, and despite being desperate to hear about it, I hadn’t brought it up.

“You look terrible,” said Jules as I kissed her on her cheek. I was late. I was never late. She and Hanna were getting hand massages in reception. Their allocated robes and slippers were on their laps. God, I really hated the spa. Communal clothing.

“Thanks.” She was right. I did. I looked exhausted. I was exhausted. Alcohol was not my friend. Would she just get to the bit where she told us about Joel already?

It took another hour, during the next bit of waiting after our first treatment. I had a massage, which was actually quite nice and it stopped my brain whizzing for a few minutes. I came out to the relaxation room feeling better than I had in days.

“What are you two giggling about?” I asked, a little dazed.

“Joel’s penis,” Jules replied. My stomach dropped thirty thousand feet. Oh. My. God. This was it. I couldn’t speak.

“We were just trying to figure out what it was about him that made him so confident,” said Hanna.

“I’m sure it’s his penis,” replied Jules. I nodded. I needed to get out of here. The air was stifling. “It’s bound to be huge. Everything else about him is perfect.” What? That sounded like she didn’t have firsthand experience.

“Oh, yes, the date.” As if I could have possibly forgotten. “How was it?” I was trying hard to be nonchalant.

“Fine.”

This was interesting. Jules never underplayed anything. What did fine mean? I looked at Hanna, who was looking at Jules.

“But you didn’t see his penis?” I asked. I wanted absolute clarity on that point.

“Unfortunately not. Not this time. He had a late night call with the US or something, so he had to run off. But it was a great night. He’s such a flirt. He knows how to make a girl feel good and that’s just what I need.” It was just what I needed, too.

So he hadn’t slept with her. My heart warmed at the thought. Jules was gorgeous, and if he was still angry with me, it would have been easy to wound me with Jules. Maybe there would be a next time for him and Jules, but maybe there wouldn’t. It gave me hope. For what, I wasn’t sure.

I slumped onto the daybed next to Hanna and picked up a magazine I had no intention of reading. My thoughts were all of Joel.

“So, tonight’s the night. How are you feeling?” Hanna asked me. “Daniel called Matt and he and Leah are coming, too.” Great. “Everyone wants to meet the man that’s caught your attention. It’s nice that we’ll all be together. Joel, too.”

“Yes, we’ll get to meet the man that popped your cherry!” Jules interjected.

Jesus. This was going to be horrifying.

“I lost my virginity at school, Jules.”

“Yeah, but it’s grown back since then. Will is making you a woman. He’s your first proper sexual relationship with a human instead of your vibrator.”

If I thought I could get away with it, I would punch Jules, hard. I imagined my fist connecting with her cheekbone and then remembered where I was. “Will isn’t my first sexual relationship, Jules.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I think it’s nice that you’ve waited for the one.”

She was right. I was waiting for the one. But I wasn’t sure that was Will. I didn’t respond. It wasn’t worth it.

I was starting to realize how big a deal this was for everyone and I was starting to get jumpy. I suggested the dinner because that’s what Will wanted, not because it was important to me that he met my friends. Did he think this was a big deal?

“So have you met his friends or family?” Hanna asked.

“No. It’s really not super-serious. We’re just seeing each other.” I really wanted everyone to get this in perspective. “I didn’t think dinner with you all was such a big deal. We do it all the time.”

Jules and Hanna just looked at each other.

“I’m going to change,” I said as I headed out of the relaxation room. “I’ll see you guys up there.”

“OK.” Hanna looked at me concerned. Jules was oblivious to any anxiety or irritation on my part.

Back in the changing rooms I pulled out my phone and texted Will:

Are you sure you want to come tonight? It’s no big deal either way.

I slumped back on my seat. What had I gotten myself into? I was really trying with Will. I still couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him. I wanted to want him more than I did. The more I thought about it the more I didn’t think I was being fair to him. I jumped as my phone buzzed.

Of course I want to come tonight. I can’t wait to meet your friends.

I needed a drink.

I heard Jules’ voice outside the changing rooms and I quickly headed to the shower before manicures.

We were due to go straight out after the spa, so I’d brought a change of clothes with me. I had chosen a simple, black knee-length wrap dress with silver strappy heels.

Jules as usual had gone dressier. She was still working short and sexy.

“You look beautiful,” I said to her. I meant it. She was beautiful. I always wondered why he had chosen me when there were girls like Jules about.

“Thanks. Do you think Joel will like it?” She was admiring her back view in the mirror.

“He’ll love it,” Hanna replied.

Did she want them to be together, too? Was everyone rooting for them?

I pulled out my wallet from bag and unzipped the secret pocket buried behind the cardholder. I hooked the necklace chain with my finger and pulled. Hanna and Jules were chattering away, about I don’t know what, but they weren’t concentrating on me, which was my only concern. Linking the chain was the familiar silver infinity symbol. The necklace was a bit tarnished. I pulled a tissue from the box on the dressing table and set about polishing it up. It was always with me, but I’d not worn it for years.

“Shall we grab a glass of champagne in the bar before we head out? We’ve got time,” I asked the girls. I was going to have to a make an effort to be a bit more enthusiastic about the night.

“Great idea,” Jules said.

Hanna nodded.

We were all due to meet at 7.30 p.m. at the Soho Hotel for drinks before dinner. It was one of our usual haunts. It was just coming up to 7 p.m. by the time we got our champagne.

“Cheers!” we chorused and clicked our glasses together.

“Here’s to good sex,” Jules announced.

I rolled my eyes. I’d have to sit at the other end of the table from Jules tonight.

Jules started talking about wheatgrass guy again. “He’s asked me to go to the theater next week. It’s very nice of him, but ...”

“But what, Jules?” Hanna asked. “You’ve liked him for a while, haven’t you?”

“And you said he was a good kisser,” I added.

“Did I?”

I wasn’t sure she had said that, but I was sure we would have heard about it if he hadn’t been.

“I think so.”

Jules shrugged. “But there are so many lovely men out there.”

“You mean Joel?” Hanna asked. I hope she didn’t mean Joel.

“Well yes, Joel, but then there’s my boss’ boss ...”

“Your married boss’ boss,” I said. Shouldn’t I be encouraging her married boss fantasies? Anything to keep her away from Joel.

“I know. I know.”

“It’s one night at the theater. You should go,” Hanna said.

“I should. I will.”

“Good,” I said.

“We might all be married this time next year,” Hanna said.

Jules and I looked at each other and burst out laughing. “Not likely. I’ve never made it past three months and Ava here is having her first sexual relationship.”

“Jesus, Jules, if you say that again I’m going to pour my drink over you. Will and I aren’t sleeping together yet, and if we were it wouldn’t be my first sexual experience. I’ve had a lot of great sex. I just don’t tell you about it in minute detail.”

“What? I don’t even know where to start with all that information! You’ve not had sex with Will yet? That guy’s balls must be as blue as blue. And you’ve had a lot of great sex? When? And with whom, exactly? And why aren’t you telling me about it?”

Now I’d started something.

“We have to go,” Hanna chimed in.

I slung back the last of my champagne.

Jules’ drink stayed resolutely in her hand. “I’m not leaving until I get some answers.”

“Well you’re staying by yourself, then.” I stood up and Hanna jumped up with me.

“Come on, Jules,” pleaded Hanna.

“You’ll tell me in the cab?”

“Come on.”

“So?” Jules asked as soon as our bottoms hit the cab seats.

“Look, it hasn’t felt right with Will yet. I’m not sure about him. I like him but I’m not going to feel pressured into doing anything. That’s why I don’t want you guys making a big song and dance about tonight like it’s our fucking engagement party.”

“I’m sorry. We’re just excited for you. I promise we’ll all lay off.”

Jules didn’t say a word. She wasn’t going to let me off the hook.

“And the other thing. I was just seeing this guy for a while and the sex was good. Great, in fact.” I hated calling Joel just some guy.

“When? When you first came to London and you avoided us? When you said you were busy at work all the time?” Jules was pouting.

Before I could answer, Hanna interrupted, “Oh yes, I remember, you went cold on us for a while. I assumed you had new London friends and had traded us in. I didn’t realize it was about a guy.”

I didn’t need to say anything. They incorrectly filled in the gaps themselves and that suited me. With perfect timing then, the cab pulled up in front of the Soho Hotel.

Daniel, Leah, Adam, Matt, and Joel were sitting at one of the low tables. We were late. My fingers went to my necklace and I took a deep breath. My eyes skimmed the bar. Was he here already? I spotted him at the bar and let Jules and Hanna lead the way toward the group while I veered off to Will.

“Hey.” I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and smiled.

“Hey. You look beautiful.” He put his arm around my waist and pulled me toward him and kissed me on my cheek. I couldn’t help but tense slightly. I wasn’t used to PDAing at all, let alone in front of my friends ... and Joel.

Will had ordered a bottle of champagne. That was nice, wasn’t it?

“Come on. We’re over here,” I said pulling out of Will’s arms and leading him over to the table.

I couldn’t look at Joel.

Luckily, Hanna took over introductions, so I sat next to Leah and caught up with her news. I’d not seen her for a while.

Past

For just a second I didn’t know where I was, and then I was aware of his arms around me and his chest pressed against my back. I was where I should be: with Joel, at his house.

I stroked his arm and he nuzzled into my neck.

“Hey,” he croaked.

“What time is it?” Were his parents still here? Surely not, there were definite signs of light coming through the curtains.

“They left about an hour ago.”

I turned over in his arms. He still had his eyes shut.

“They did? Why didn’t you wake me?”

“Because you were sleeping. And you’re going to need to be rested for what I have in store for you.”

My stomach flipped. He opened one eye and grinned at me. I pushed his floppy hair away from his face and he caught my wrist and flipped me to my back, holding both hands above my head, his body over mine, staring into my eyes. Suddenly, he was wide awake.

It was just the two of us finally. No parents, no friends, no lectures, no library. Just me and Joel.

“Let’s stay like this, just you and me in bed, all day,” he said.

There’s was nothing I’d rather do. I circled my hips beneath him and his mouth moved toward mine, gently placing light kisses across my lips.

“It’s so good to have you here.” His kisses trailed down my neck.

“In my town,” he kissed over my collarbone.

“In my bed,” he kissed between my breasts.

“In my heart.”

I inhaled sharply and I pulled my hands from his and grasped his face, pulling him up so his eyes met mine.

“It’s so good to be here.”

Our lips met, and then our tongues.

There was something different between us. More serious. Like we were both about to cross a line and we knew there would be no turning back once we did.

“I’ve missed you,” I whispered against his mouth.

He trailed his fingers up and down my body. It was half-pleasure, half-torture. I reached to the waistband of his boxers and started to push them down. He helped with the rest. I was already naked and I didn’t want anything between us.

He was hard, ready for me, and when I pulled my eyes from him and up his body I found him looking at me, looking at him.

“You are so beautiful,” he said.

“Joel.” I scrunched my nose.

“Ava, please, you are,” he whispered.

My arms moved to cover myself under his scrutiny.

“Don’t do that. Don’t hide from me. Your body is mine now.”

He wasn’t saying anything I didn’t know already, but hearing it like that ... from him, was ... final. He knew it, too.

I released my hands from my body and brought them to his, tracing the contours of the muscles.

Slowly he moved above me, his eyes locked on mine and he pushed into me, pulling the air from my lungs.

“Joel,” I cried out. I hadn’t expected that, but I was wet and ready for him.

He began moving in and out of me, never breaking the connection between our eyes or our bodies. I felt so whole, so understood, so present in that moment. Everything difficult fell away and only we were left.

Joel slowly and in one movement fell back on his knees, bringing me with him so I was straddling him, my arms around his shoulders. He was deeper like this, and I could feel something build between us. I tuned into the sound of our bodies, moving together, his flesh meeting mine. My fingers dug further into his arms, clinging on, and I could see the muscles in his neck flex. He was concentrating on the rhythm. On his body in my body.

I could feel his hands everywhere on me. Covering me, consuming me.

“Joel,” I whispered. “Joel. Joel. Joel.” He was pulling and pushing my hips and the rhythm was perfect, gently winding the elastic band in my stomach, tauter and tauter. I pulled back to look at him. He looked at me, with a sheen of sweat across his brow, and what I felt with him at that moment was ... everything.

“I love ... I love making love with you, Ava,” he said softly.

My heart stopped. I knew what he felt. We hadn’t said it to each other, but I felt it, too.

“I love making love with you, too.” I shuddered and my back arched, pushing him deeper and Joel opened his mouth and moaned. I pulled his face to mine and watched as his orgasm rippled across his face and the elastic band in my stomach snapped. His orgasm traveled through him across to me and through every atom of my body.

I made no move to lie down. I just clung to him, pulling myself closer, if that were possible. What we had just shared was different, it was new. It brought us to a whole new level.

Joel’s hands crept up and down my back, soothing and sexy in equal measure. I kissed his shoulder and lay my cheek on the spot I kissed. I never wanted to let him go.

“Wow,” he said eventually.

I nodded my head which still rested on his shoulder.

“I never ...” Joel paused.

“No, me either,” I mumbled.

Joel shifted under me and laid us both down, still connected, my head still on his shoulder, not meeting his eyes.

“Hey, are you ok?” He tried to look at me but I wouldn’t shift.

I nodded again.

“Are you going to stay like that forever?”

I nodded again.

“Suits me.”

And that’s how we lay for hours. Not saying anything. My grip on him tightening and loosening occasionally. His fingers smoothing my hair down my back.

Finally I spoke. “Was it because we’ve not seen each other for so long?” I wanted to know what had made it so intense between us.

“I don’t think so.”

“Because we’re away from Uni and friends and stuff?” I finally lifted my head to look at Joel.

He shook his head.

“Then why?”

“I think it’s because it’s us. Because of how we feel.”

I reached over and kissed him on the lips.

“I have something for you.”

We had finally made it in to the shower and we were at the kitchen table eating cereal.

“You do? Is it your penis?”

“Such a dirty mind on such a sweet girl.”

I stuck my tongue out at him.

He rolled his eyes. “A gift. I have a Christmas gift for you.”

I grinned. Wide. I loved that he had a Christmas gift for me.

“You want it now?” he asked.

“Yes, I want it now!”

He grinned back at me and went into the next room. He returned a few minutes later with his hands behind his back.

“Right hand or left hand?” he asked.

“Both hands.” I reached up, put my arms around his neck, and kissed him. I was so excited that he’d bought me a gift. It didn’t matter what it was.

“I’m getting a thank-you kiss before you’ve opened it. What if you hate it?”

“I won’t hate it. I’ll love it.”

“You might hate it.”

“I won’t.”

He smiled sheepishly at me and brought his hands in front of him, revealing a gift box with a huge red ribbon on it. He held it out for me. I took it from him and took his hand and led him upstairs.

“I have a gift for you, too.”

“Is it your vagina?”

I raised my eyebrows at him.

“What, so when you say it it’s cute, but when I say it, I get the look?”

“There’s no look.”

“There’s a look.”

I grinned. “Do you want my gift?”

He grinned.

Back in his bedroom I pulled his gift from my case. He was sat on the bed crossed legged in just his boxers. He looked so delicious. Rumpled, smiling, mine.

I bounced on the bed opposite him and sat down crossed legged, our knees touching.

Before I could say anything he was ripping the paper off his gift.

“I didn’t know what to get you.” I wasn’t sure now whether I’d done the right thing.

He opened the box and grinned.

“Friendship?”

Oh god, did he hate it? Was it unromantic?

I nodded. “I mean, we’re more but—”

“Put it on me,” he said. “I wanna wear it.”

I pulled the black band of leather out of the box and started to fasten it around his wrist. Before I finished, he pushed me to my back and climbed on top of me, kissing me.

“Is it ok?”

“It’s more than ok. I love that I can wear it every day.”

I kissed him back, hard.

“Mine now,” I said, feeling for my gift between us.

He propped his head on his hand and I rolled onto my stomach so I could see what I was doing. He fingered my hair, pushing it over my shoulders and down my back. I shivered at the feel of his hands and started to open my gift box. It was sealed tight. I had to use my fingers to split the cellophane and free the two parts of the box.

Finally, I pulled the top of the box off to reveal a silver chain, I hooked my finger underneath it and pulled it out. Attached to the chain was an elongated silver figure eight.

“It’s the symbol for infinity.” He reached across and followed the curves of the symbol. My breath was caught. It was beautiful. I couldn’t speak. “You know, for you and me.” He shrugged and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I really couldn’t speak. “You can take it back if you don’t li—”

I pushed him to his back and climbed on top of him. “Help me fasten the chain.” I was reaching behind my neck but my hair was in the way.

He reached out and took the chain from me.

“You like it?” He looked unsure.

“I love it. I love you,” I said.

“I love you, Ava. For infinity.”

Chapter Ten

Present

Hanna was fantastic at introducing Will to everyone. He seemed comfortable, more comfortable than I was.

I couldn’t look at Joel. I even managed to avoid saying hello to him in the fray. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he shook hands with Will.

I tried to concentrate on catching up with Leah, but I felt uncomfortable and it was more than simply because I was introducing Will to my friends. I shifted in my seat and found myself staring at Joel, into his furious eyes. I couldn’t look away and as his eyes flicked to my throat and back up to my face I realized it was my necklace that had provoked his fury.

My hands grasped my necklace. I looked back at Leah, who was telling me about Daniel.

Why had I felt the need to wear it tonight? Maybe I wanted to promote some kind of reaction from Joel.

I tried desperately to concentrate on what Leah was saying. I saw Joel get up and go to the bar. A brief reprieve from the pressure on my chest.

I looked around and saw Will, Adam, and Daniel chatting. No doubt about football.

“So, you seem really nervous, are you ok?” asked Leah.

“Sorry, I am listening. I just ... everyone is making such a big deal about it.”

Leah nodded. “Don’t worry. Once everyone has had a drink it’ll be more relaxed.”

We were interrupted by a tray of shots being put in the middle of the table.

“Shots!” Joel announced.

“Good man,” Adam said, picking up a glass. Joel had already downed his.

“Come on, guys!” Joel said. His mood seemed to have improved and he had gone back to ignoring me.

Hanna and Jules were swatting them away and I saw Joel pick up a second shot.

“Come on, Daniel,” Adam said.

Reluctantly Daniel tipped back a shot and I saw Joel reach for a third.

“Come on, girls. Stop being such girls,” Adam said.

This was ridiculous. I pushed out of my seat to go to the restroom.

Bringing Will here had been such a bad idea. Adam was being a prick. Joel was, well, I wasn’t sure what Joel was being. I felt so uncomfortable. The dinner was supposed to take the pressure off. It was supposed to stop Will pushing to meet my friends. It was supposed to show everyone I wasn’t a sad old spinster. It was supposed to make me feel better about not being with Joel.

I opened the door on my way out of the restroom to find Joel leaning against the wall, his head bowed. He looked up and I looked away as I tried to pass him, but he grabbed my elbow.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he hissed.

“Get off me, Joel.” I twisted to free myself, but as he released my elbow, he grabbed my shoulders instead.

“What the fuck!”

“What?” I cried.

“You know what.” His eyes went to my throat again and I covered the infinity symbol with my hand. “You know what,” he repeated, calmer this time. He released me and slumped against the wall. “What are you playing at? You’re not being fair.”

I was rooted to the spot. What could I say? What was I doing? Why had I worn it?

He shook his head and walked out of the corridor and back into the bar and left me before I could say anything.

I steeled myself and went back to the table. Before I sat down, I took a shot from the tray and downed it. This night was a fucking disaster. I just wanted to leave. If I was going to stay, I was going to have to be drunk.

“That’s my girl,” Adam said.

I saw Joel grab another shot.

“I think we’d better get our table. There’s an awful lot of alcohol flowing,” Hanna said.

Not nearly enough, as far as I was concerned. I needed to be numb to survive tonight.

Things started to settle when we were at the table. Will sat between me and Hanna, and Joel was at the other end of the table on my side, so I couldn’t see him. My fingers went to my throat again. We were opposite Daniel and Leah. Daniel could always put anyone at ease, so I concentrated hard, as hard as I could, on being engaged and engaging, delighted and delightful. It was exhausting, but eventually the meal was over.

People were lingering, but I couldn’t wait to get out of there. Joel and Daniel were arguing over the bill. I threw some cash on the table and went to stand.

“I’m heading off now. I’ve got to be up early.”

Will stood with me. I wanted to get away from him, from everyone.

“You stay. I need to go,” I said to him.

“Ava, I’ll get you home.”

I didn’t want to make a fuss—more of a fuss—so I relented. I waved at everyone, careful to avoid Joel’s eyes, and sped away to the door while Will was shaking hands.

The cool night air was sobering and I was grateful for the space I felt. It didn’t last long, though, as I heard Will come through the door behind me.

“Let’s get a cab,” he said.

“Do you mind if I take my own? I really need a bit of time on my own.”

“Ok.” He sounded a bit pissed off.

“Thanks. It’s just, it’s a lot, you know.”

“No, I don’t know, Ava, to be honest. But whatever. I thought tonight went well. Your friends are very relaxed. They’re happy you have someone, but you don’t seem to be.”

A cab with its light on was approaching, and I stuck my hand out. It pulled in to the curb.

“I’m sorry. It did go well. Thank you. Let’s talk tomorrow.” I kissed him on the cheek and jumped into my cab, desperate to be away.

***

Back in my flat, I undressed quickly, pulled on a cotton camisole and some pajama bottoms, and then headed to the bathroom to take my makeup off. Facing the mirror I saw my necklace, the infinity symbol resting on my collarbone. I pressed it into my skin until it hurt.

I climbed into bed and brought the duvet up to my neck. It was cold. I was cold. I was drunk. I hoped I would pass out soon, and then tomorrow would be a new day.

It was dark. Why was I awake? Was I going to be sick? Then I heard thudding. What was that? Someone was hammering on my door. I looked at the clock. I’d only been asleep about thirty minutes.

Then the doorbell rang. Fucking hell, I was going to start getting abuse from my neighbors. I dragged myself out of bed and padded toward the front door.

I looked through the peephole. It was Will. I was hoping for someone else.

I unchained and unlocked the door.

“What are you doing here?”

“I just want to know what happened tonight,” he said.

“What? Come in.”

“Did I wake you?”

“Yes, you woke me. Couldn’t this wait until tomorrow?”

I closed the door. I really didn’t want to have this conversation—any conversation—with Will right then.

“We’re here now, so what’s the deal?”

“What?”

“Stop playing dumb. We both know you’re not dumb.”

I leaned back on the door as Will stood in front of me, expectant.

“I don’t know what to say.” I examined my toes.

“I just don’t get it. I don’t get you. We get on. I think you think I’m attractive, I make you laugh. You introduce me to your friends ...”

“I’m sorry.” I shouldn’t have let him come tonight. I hadn’t been fair.

“Sorry for what, Ava?”

I didn’t respond.

“You ignored me all evening. I didn’t even kiss you tonight. I’ve barely touched you. We’ve been seeing each other—”

“I know.”

“You know what?”

“I’m not ... I’ve not been behaving properly ...”

“What?! I’m not asking you to behave properly. I’m asking you how you feel.”

He walked toward me and reached out his hand to touch my face. I wanted to be anywhere but there at that moment. I quickly moved away and Will slumped in his body.

“Well, I think you just answered my question. I guess we’re done.”

“I’m sorry. You are a great guy.”

“I know.”

I grinned and caught his eye. “And you do make me laugh.”

“Can I ask if it’s Adam? Are you in love with him?”

“Adam? No!”

“It’s just you always talk about him and ...”

“Really, it’s not Adam.”

“But it is someone?”

I nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ve been unfair to you.” Joel had been right.

He nodded and left. And I felt relief. And then guilt.

This is why I didn’t date. There would always be someone else.

I climbed back into bed. The alcohol had disappeared, and without it I was wide awake with my thoughts. I tried to distract myself and reached out and checked my phone. Nothing. Why had I not heard from Jules? Surely she’d want to give me her verdict on Will. Maybe she was still out. With Joel. Joel who was very drunk. Joel who was very angry with me. I knew I didn’t like indifferent Joel. But angry Joel? I really didn’t like him. And I didn’t like him out with Jules.

Despite it being late, I called her. I wanted all my bad news all at once.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Where are you?” I asked.

“Just got back. Is Will not with you?”

“We broke up.”

“What? What do you mean you broke up?”

“What happened after I left the restaurant?” I asked.

“Well, apparently you broke up with Will. What the fuck’s going on, Ava?”

“Look, I was a bitch to him. I shouldn’t have invited him tonight. I did it because I thought I should, and he was putting a bit of pressure on me to ramp things up, and I shouldn’t have done it. I jerked him around and he dumped me.”

“He dumped you?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Well, we had a fight and he left. I’m not sure technically who did it, but we are no longer together. Not that we really ever were.”

“And that’s that?”

“Don’t say it like that.” I exhaled.

“Like you don’t care?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you?”

“I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I can’t pretend that I’m all broken up about something I’m not all broken up about.”

“OK. So back to me. That hot waiter gave me his number,” Jules squealed.

“Which waiter?” I’d barely registered we’d eaten, let alone done a hotness survey on the staff. “I thought you were totally into Joel.”

“Joel who? Did you see the ass on our waiter? Anyway, Joel behaved like a prick tonight. He was way too drunk and grouchy as hell. No wonder he’s friends with Adam. I’m done with him.”

“You are?”

“Well tonight I am. I have Jackson’s number!”

I had a brief reprieve. “The waiter’s name was Jackson?”

“That’s what I’m calling him. I don’t know what his actual name is.”

We giggled, and having confessed my sins to Jules and knowing she wasn’t with Joel, we said our goodbyes and I drifted off to sleep.

Past

We changed after spending New Year together at Joel’s. I didn’t change, Joel didn’t change, but we did. The mutual declaration of our feelings and the time we spent together, just him and me, shifted something. It made me more confident in his feelings for me. But it wasn’t just the words that made me feel that way. It was the way I’d catch him smiling at me when he didn’t think I couldn’t see. The way he had to touch me whenever he got the chance. The way that he knew what I wanted before I wanted it. Just before I got cold, he brought me a blanket. Just before I got thirsty, he offered me a drink. We were connected. For infinity.

“I can’t wait to see you,” I said into the phone.

I extended my stay with Joel, but eventually I had to go back to my parents’ to organize myself for the new semester.

“I can’t wait to see you,” he replied.

“It’s only been three days,” I said. We were being ridiculous.

“I know. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“So first night back is Adam’s 21st.” He reminded.

“Oh, yes. I’d forgotten.”

Adam had been banging on about his 21st forever. He said no one ever wanted to celebrate his birthday because it came so soon after Christmas, so this year he was going to make up for all the birthdays he didn’t feel had been celebrated properly. Great. I just wanted to spend my evening, every evening, with Joel.

“So I’ll see you in the Union bar at 2 p.m.?”

“We’re starting at 2 p.m.?”

“Yup.”

“Holy fuck.”

“Yup. Wear something sexy.”

I laughed. “Like what? It will be 2 p.m. in the afternoon in the Union bar, where the tables will be unwiped and the floor will be sticky with last semester’s beer. You want me in a tight skirt and stilettos? I’ll look like the hired stripper.”

“I always want you, whatever you wear, even if you don’t make it as a lawyer and you have to become a stripper.”

“Right answer, l think.”

Joel laughed. “You make everything sexy. So I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.” he parroted.

“Ok, loser.”

“For infinity,” he said

I grinned. “For infinity.”

***

“I’m not waiting any longer for you. We’ll see you up there,” Adam said.

He was raging. Hanna and I wanted to unpack properly before we started drinking. I didn’t think it was so unreasonable. Even Jules, who was never concerned with being organized, was still rearranging her wardrobe.

“We won’t be long. You boys can manage without us for half an hour or so, can’t you?” Hanna was trying to reason with Adam, which never worked. It was best just to ignore him.

“Whatever. I told Joel I’d be there at 2 p.m., so I’m off. Are you coming, guys?”

Adam headed out and Matt and Daniel trailed behind him.

I was as keen as the next person to be up at the Union bar but even I could wait 30 minutes.

“You look nice.” Jules turned to me as we headed out.

“Thanks,” I said, grinning like a crazy person. I couldn’t wait to see him. I’d resisted the short skirt and stilettos, but I had put on some kitten heels with my jeans and worn a low cut top instead of my favorite, hand knitted sweater that I probably would have worn if I wasn’t seeing Joel.

After we reached the Union bar, I stood on tiptoe to look over Jules’ shoulder, trying to catch my first glimpse of him.

There he was. Leaning over the pool table about to make a shot.

I had to chew on my thumb to disguise my smile. I loved the jeans he was wearing. They were my favorite. They clung in just the right places, and they were lower on the hips than some of his others, which meant as he leaned over the pool table there was an exposed inch of flesh above his waistband for me to imagine my fingers running over. I brought my fingers to my throat. Infinity. I hadn’t taken it off since he gave it to me. I slept in it and showered in it. I glanced at his arms reaching across the table and saw his leather-wrapped wrist.

As if he sensed me watching, he grinned, made the shot, and then turned straight toward me as if he knew exactly where I’d be standing. He held my gaze until I looked away.

Over Christmas, we’d never spoken about being more public with our relationship. I didn’t think about it. I wondered if Joel had. What was he expecting?

I waved at Daniel, who Joel was playing pool with, but was interrupted by Matt grabbing me and hugging me. Everyone was in such a good mood, including me.

We headed over to the bar and started to order drinks. I felt Joel come up behind me.

“Hey,” he whispered in my ear. I turned and put my arms around him and pulled him close.

“I thought I was the one supposed to be the one who dressed sexy today?” I whispered in his ear.

“You did.” His hand slid to my ass. “But I like that you think I did.” I wriggled away from him, hoping that everyone didn’t spot his hand and thought we were just having a welcome-back hug.

Joel fingered the infinity symbol and nodded almost imperceptibly.

Jules was hugging everyone and Joel and I got pushed apart in the ruckus. Adam was clearly pleased that everyone had made it out to celebrate with him, and he wasted no time in getting drinks in for everyone.

Hanna and I sat down at a table close to the boys playing pool. It was a wooden booth with padded seats that had seen better days. The Union bar was not the most glamorous place in the world, in fact it probably was one of the least glamorous places in England, but with all my favorite people in it, it felt like home.

“You look happy,” Hanna said.

I looked at Joel. “I am. What about you and Matt? You guys seem happy.”

“We are. He’s my best friend. You know?”

I nodded. I knew what she meant. Joel and I hadn’t been seeing each other for as long as she and Matt, but the connection that she and Matt had, I appreciated more than ever before. I was truly happy that she might be as happy as I was.

Jules was flirting with Daniel. Daniel didn’t seem to even notice. Daniel was too focused on the pool game. Jules had such a thick skin that his lack of reciprocation didn’t seem to affect her at all. She just moved onto Joel. She stroked his arm as he stood waiting for Daniel to take his shot, with his pool cue between his legs. I wondered how he would react. Would he flirt back? I think it might kill me a little if he did, even though I was sure of his feelings for me. But he didn’t react, he didn’t move, he didn’t brush her off, he didn’t do anything. I knew Jules well enough to know that that wasn’t much of a disincentive to her. She would just up her game.

I was right. Daniel made his shot, lost, and Joel started to circle the table, looking for his next shot. Jules followed him. He squatted down to see the table at a different angle and Jules squatted with him and, accidently-on-purpose she lost her balance and used Joel’s body to steady herself.

“Adam, Jules needs some looking after. I think the alcohol is taking its toll already,” Joel said as he stood upright abruptly, and walked away from a slightly shell-shocked Jules. There’d been no doubt that he wasn’t interested. He looked over at me and rolled his eyes. I loved him just a little bit more at that moment, if that was even possible.

At various points throughout the afternoon, Joel and I managed a few private moments together. He sat next to me at our table for a few minutes when he lost his pool game to Daniel. He arm went around the back of the bench on which we were sitting, behind me. It felt like a thing a couple would do, it felt nice. His leg brushed against mine and I felt a heat within me. I was desperate to reach across and breathe him in, to stroke his leg, to kiss him.

What was stopping me? Joel wanted me. That was enough wasn’t it? Did it matter that people would think I wasn’t good enough for him? How much pressure could that put on our relationship? ‘Infinity’, right?

I brought my hands to my lap and brushed his knee with my fingers. He stopped mid-flow of whatever it was he was chatting to Matt about, closed his eyes, turned his head to me, and opened his eyes. They were burning. He wanted me. Right then, I knew if I asked him to take me home that moment, it would be all he wanted to do. With just a slight touch of my hand I’d ignited something in him. It was such a powerful feeling.

“Joel?”

I broke our gaze and looked at Matt, who had clearly just asked Joel a question or his opinion on something.

“Yeah, I agree mate.”

I wasn’t sure what he just agreed with. I wasn’t sure that Joel knew what he just agreed with, but it broke the spell between us, and Joel excused himself to go to the restroom.

***

We finally left the Union bar late into the evening and managed to make it to our local club. It was packed, typical for a first night back. Tonight I couldn’t wait to get to the dance floor. I was euphoric. Jules and Hanna clearly felt the same—we headed to the dance floor as soon as we got inside the club.

I turned my head to check Joel was behind us, and he was watching me try to find him. He nodded in the direction of the bar, letting me know where he’d be when we were done. I didn’t want to lose him, in any sense, tonight. Last time we’d been out like this, we ended up having a fight. I didn’t want that to happen again. I would make sure no one touched me except Joel tonight.

Dance music was throbbing through the floors and walls of the club. It wasn’t normally my type of music, but I was desperate to work off the extra energy I had. Jules, Hanna, and I formed a tight triangle and started to move to the beat of the music. The monotony of the music allowed me to empty my mind of what was going on around me. I just concentrated on my limbs and the music. A thin layer of sweat formed over my skin and I lifted my hair to feel air on my neck, never losing the rhythm.

One tune morphed into another and another until Jules brought me back to reality with a hand on my shoulder. She mimed a drink and pointed at the bar. I pointed down toward the dance floor indicating I was staying put. She and Hanna were swallowed up by the crowd.

Not even a second later I felt a hand on my waist and I spun around, ready to slap someone, but I came face to face with Joel. My heart melted and my pulse quickened. He pushed his knee between my thighs and pulled my bottom toward him. He knew exactly what to do to me. He licked his lips and I was mesmerized by them. I knew what they could do.

The combination of the alcohol, the music, the tightly packed bodies and Joel—most importantly Joel—set me alight. I pushed my palms up his chest and pulled my hands around his neck, moving up and down on his thigh. He felt so good. I’d missed him. I’d not seen him in nearly a week and it was too long. He gazed at me and the rest of the people on the dance floor melted away. It was just Joel and me in our bubble.

I wanted him as turned on as I was so I slid around in his arms so my back was against his chest. He brought his hands to my hips and as he did I circled my bottom in time to the music, pressing against his denim. He responded by pulling my hips closer, letting me feel his growing desire for me. I wanted to be naked right then. Naked and in private so all the fantasies that were crowding my head could become a reality. I put my hands over Joel’s and we continued to move like that, in perfect time, the tension between us building minute by minute.

I felt Joel’s breath on my neck and then the slightest feel of his lips on my shoulder. I felt him trying to hold himself back and I gasped. Knowing he wanted me as much as I wanted him was the biggest turn on. This beautiful man behind me was mine. The sounds I could elicit from him, the way his eyes would beg for my body so his mouth never had to, it made me feel so powerful, and sexy. I didn’t care who saw us, who knew. Joel wanted me and I wanted him, and that was enough.

I turned in his arms again and pulled his head down and kissed him, quickly slipping my tongue between his lips. He hesitated for a second before returning my kiss as if a dam burst. His tongue pushed against mine, delving deeper, wanting more. He reached behind me and pulled me up and I brought my legs around his waist, not breaking our kiss. My hair fell like curtains around us and our mouths were hidden. I felt Joel start walking but I couldn’t break away from our kiss to find out where he was taking us. Then I felt a wall behind me and Joel pressed me against it with his hips.

“Jesus, I’m going to take you right here if we don’t leave now,” he growled against my neck and circled his hips, his erection digging into me.

My hand reached for his cock that I could feel hard between my legs and he pulled away sharply.

“Seriously. If you don’t want to be fucked against that wall then—”

He didn’t finish his sentence. He just pulled me by the hand and marched through the crowds, me trailing behind him, having to run every couple of steps so I kept up with him. He was a man on a mission, a mission to fuck me senseless.

“Joel, what about the others?” We hadn’t told anyone we were leaving.

“I don’t give a shit about anything but getting inside you.”

He practically shoved me into a cab and clamored on top of me, pushing his hands against my breasts.

“Joel.” I tried to push him off me. Despite the mixture of alcohol and desire coursing through me, I was embarrassed about PDAing in front of the cab driver. Joel relented and threw himself back in his seat.

He leaned forward. “How long until we get there?” he asked the cab driver. He was being ridiculous. It was a five minute cab ride to his house.

“It’s five minutes away, unless you get your dick out and then I’m taking you straight to the police station.”

I giggled. Joel scowled at me and then started to laugh with me. He pulled me toward him and planted a kiss on my head.

“I forget myself when I’m around you, Ava.”

Chapter Eleven

Present

The morning after the disastrous “introduce Will to my friends and then dump him” dinner, we were supposed to be meeting for a girls’ brunch at a hotel on Aldwych—Hanna, Jules, and me. I presumed that we would be required to dissect the night before, more particularly my breakup with Will. Hanna had arranged it, and it had seemed harmless enough at the time. At that precise moment it was the last thing I ever wanted to do.

I felt terrible for leading Will on. He was a lovely guy. It really was a case of “It’s not you, it’s me,” but that sounded so ...

And I was confused by Joel’s outburst. Did he really care so much about Will’s feelings that he was angry with me for wearing the necklace? Or was he just angry with me and Will’s feelings were an excuse to show that anger. Will didn’t know, which I know didn’t make it right, but wearing it didn’t hurt him. That I was dating him and in love with someone else—that was the problem.

I texted Hanna to check brunch was still happening, all the time crossing my legs in the hope that it would magic up a cancelation.

Jules and I knew never to cancel on Hanna. She was easygoing in every way, but god forbid you cancel on her. You could be late because of work, or leave early for some reason, but you absolutely couldn’t just not show, and you absolutely couldn’t not show because you had a hangover or you just didn’t feel up to it. It was Hanna’s only rule, and we all stuck to it.

Crossing my legs didn’t work, apparently, so I pulled myself into the shower in order to make sure I was on time.

Why had I agreed to brunch? Well at least it was girls only. At least Joel wouldn’t be there.

***

“So, I heard your news. Consider this an intervention,” Hanna said as I arrived at the table. Jules stayed silent.

I hadn’t even sat down. “Can I order a drink first?” I asked, waving at the waiter. “Can I get a mimosa? But hold the orange juice,” I said before the guy could get a notebook out of his apron.

“You want a glass of champagne?”

I shot him a dirty look. If I was about to face an intervention, then I needed to be day-drinking. And if I was day-drinking, then I needed to be in denial about it. When I didn’t respond, he scurried away.

“So, what happened?” Hanna asked.

I looked at Jules like I looked at the waiter.

“You’re in a lovely mood,” she responded.

“Nothing happened. Will and I broke up. We were barely together. It’s no big deal.” I concentrated on my menu.

“Well, I think it is a big deal, and I think we should talk about it,” Hanna said.

I said nothing. Jules said nothing.

With no encouragement from either of us, she continued. “He seemed like a really nice guy, Ava.”

“Why are we at such a big table?” I asked, trying to ignore Hanna’s conversational direction.

“And he seemed to really like you,” she continued.

“We should move to a smaller one,” I said.

“I think the boys are coming,” Jules mumbled.

“Fucking hell. I feel like I’m married to them. Can’t it ever just be the three of us?” I moaned. The last person in this world I wanted to see right now was Adam. Or Joel. She can’t have meant Joel when she said ‘the boys.’ She always meant Matt and Adam, and there were only two spare places at the table. I took a deep breath. My hand went to my infinity necklace; I’d not taken it off.

Hanna and Jules shot each other a look and stayed quiet. I’d been mean. I was being vile. I liked spending time with the boys. I just didn’t like the personal scrutiny that came with them at the moment.

“Sorry.”

Silence.

I might have been the lawyer, but Hanna was a master negotiator and she used the fact I didn’t like silences. I gave in and answered her. “He is a nice guy, and yes, I think he did like what he knew about me, although that wasn’t very much. But please, stop making it such a big deal.”

The waiter came back with my glass of champagne. I felt guilty and I smiled at him as if to offer an apology. He smiled back. It was more than I deserved. He’d probably spat in my champagne.

“Can I take your orders?” he asked.

“We’re waiting for a couple of others ... oh, here they are. Can you give us a few minutes?” Hanna said.

My back was to the entrance to the restaurant and I couldn’t bring myself to look away from my menu. I prayed it wasn’t Joel.

It was Joel. Of course it was. With Adam. Fucking hell. This was officially the worst brunch ever.

“Hey, girls,” Adam seemed bright and breezy. An apocalypse must be brewing. “What are you lot gossiping about?”

“We are trying to have a serious conversation with Ava.”

“Honestly, Hanna, I love you. But can we drop this? I don’t need an intervention. I just want to enjoy my drink and gossip about someone else.”

“Ok, Ava, but I leave you with this: Guys like Will don’t come around that often. You shouldn’t be so picky.”

“Did she drive him away already?” Adam asked, trying to work out what was going on.

“I’m ready to order,” I said looking around to see if the waiter was hovering while desperately trying not to look anywhere near Joel.

“Well, Joel added to the notches on his bedpost last night, even if Ava didn’t. That girl was insanely fucking hot. I’m not sure what she saw in a drunken twat like you. You were hammered.”

Just when I thought this brunch couldn’t get any worse.

“Hanna, can you order me the eggs Benedict with some carbs the size of Africa. I’m going to the restroom.”

I had to get out of there. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What was I doing? I was turning down perfectly nice, respectable, funny men because I had been in love with a man for the last eight years who barely knew I was alive and by all accounts was out shagging half of London. The ‘insanely hot’ half. Fuck.

For the second time in less than 24 hours I walked out of the restroom and into Joel. Again, he leaned against the wall outside the restroom. Was he waiting for me?

I didn’t know what to say so I forced a small fake smile and went to walk past him.

“Are you ok?” he mumbled.

“Why wouldn’t I be? Why would I care who you are fucking?”

“I meant about Will. And I didn’t fuck her.”

Oh, embarrassing.

Oh, he didn’t fuck her.

I shrugged.

“I’m sorry I barked at you last night,” he said. “I didn’t get it. It threw me off.”

I could feel darkness in my chest and my eyes began to well. “Don’t, Joel.” I couldn’t have him be nice to me. What was he saying? What was he asking? I wish I knew him like I used to know him.

I started to cry and he reached for me.

“God, Ava. Don’t cry.” He pleaded.

“I’m fine. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m crying.”

He stood rubbing my back. And I let him.

“Did ... the necklace ... wh—”

Hanna interrupted. “God I’m so sorry, Ava. I didn’t mean to upset you.” She wrapped her arms around me. Joel’s hand disappeared from my back and I felt cold suddenly.

“It’s not you. I’m just tired and hungover.” I extricated myself from Hanna’s arms and wiped my eyes. “It’s fine. You go to the restroom.” I smiled at her, patted her on the arm, and followed Joel back to the table.

“Is that her, the hot babe from last night?” Adam was peering across at Joel’s lap where Joel was fiddling with his phone.

He didn’t respond. That was a yes in Joel’s language. He said he hadn’t fucked her. Maybe he just wanted to.

“Has she got any friends?” Adam continued to jabber away and Joel continued to ignore him.

Will hadn’t worked. I was at peace with that fact, and I now knew I wouldn’t put myself or someone else through that. There was no point.

And if Joel hadn’t fucked the insanely hot girl from last night, he didn’t seem to be seeing anyone, maybe we should talk. Maybe I should tell him. Maybe I needed closure and I would be able to move on, or maybe something else was possible ... between us.

***

I never went to the gym. I wasn’t a gym kind of person. All that organized sweating wasn’t my thing. My exercise was running. It allowed me to physically escape and be with my own thoughts in my own head. I sorted stuff out when I was running. But today I needed distraction from my head, so I headed to Jules’ gym that she’d been telling me to try out for weeks now.

I handed over my invited guest pass to the security guy on the desk in front and headed down the stairs to the changing rooms. I dumped my bag in a locker and headed along a corridor, which seemed to lead to the workout area. As soon as I walked in I was assaulted by noises and images. The music was pounding and various half-naked women dry-humped inanimate objects on the various screens dotted around the ceiling. Looking around, I was the only woman in there. Had Jules sent me to a gay gym? I was going to kill her. Jesus, what was the matter with her? But I was here now and maybe surrounding me with gay men was what I needed. After all, wasn’t gay-time one of the universal cures for heartbreak?

I started on the cross trainer. I fucking hated it. But I could keep it up forever. My legs didn’t move properly at first, as if I’d lost all coordination, and then I got into a rhythm. Scanning the room, there were some really hot bodies in there. Tanned and tight and gay, gay, gay. I chuckled to myself. Of all people, I didn’t expect Jules to waste an opportunity to pick up guys.

“Great ass.” I heard from behind me and I spun my head. A very tall, gorgeous guy with the longest eyelashes I’d ever seen, wearing very small shorts and a very tight tank, was smirking at me.

I smirked back. “Thanks. Great abs.” What else could I say?

“Thanks,” he said. “I have a great ass, too. It takes one to know one. So I’ll take the treadmill here.” He pointed in front of me. “You know, to give you the 360-degree view. You look like a girl who appreciates a good ass.”

“That’s thoughtful.” I laughed. I totally got why Jules came here. Maybe I wouldn’t kill her after all.

I lasted about forty minutes on the cross trainer and then tried out the bike. I hated it more than the cross trainer. It felt like my vagina was being punched so I moved on and did some weights. Various people smiled and said hi, and it felt nice to be outside of my life for an afternoon.

Freshly showered and smiling from the mixture of attention and endorphins, I headed back to my flat. I’d spent about two hours in the changing rooms before I left. My hair looked amazing, if I did say so myself. The changing rooms had some super-expensive shampoos and conditioners and every hairstyling tool known to man: dryers of different shapes and sizes, curling irons, straighteners. I indulged myself to the fullest extent possible and I looked like—well, I felt like—I was ready for Annie Leibovitz to shoot me for Vogue. Kinda.

As soon as I got inside, Joel tumbled back into my head. This couldn’t go on forever. Maybe I should just bite the bullet while I had amazing hair.

***

I shifted my weight from one leg to the other while trying to decide whether to press the button to call the elevator. I was here now. I’d done the hard bit, surely. As I’d approached Joel’s building, someone had been coming out and had held the door open for me, clearly presuming I was meant to be here. The security guard at the desk had been on the phone and had a courier and someone else surrounding him at his desk and, like something out of an 80s spy film, I slipped past unnoticed. Maybe I should call up? Use the intercom? Did it look weird if I just appeared at his door?

Holy hell. I pressed the button. I was irritating myself with my indecision. My temperature raised at least ten degrees as I stepped in and pressed the “P” on the brushed metal panel. I’d thought about this a lot and I had nothing to lose at this point. Nothing to lose. You just have to knock on the door. The rest will just happen. The elevator was quicker than I remembered, and before I’d taken a breath, the doors pinged open.

Nothing to lose.

Nothing to lose.

I clutched at my stomach and took the three steps to his door and knocked straight away. Three confident raps to the metal door.

Yup, I was doing it. I had nothing to lose.

I waited. No answer. Should I go? Should I knock again?

I knocked again and then I heard movement. My heart pounded through my shirt. Nothing to lose, nothing to lose.

The door opened and apparently there was something to lose. My pride. My hope.

I was faced with a tall gazelle-like woman. Well, she was a girl, really. She looked really young and insanely hot. She was wrapped in a towel. A very small towel that only just covered the tops of her thighs. So Joel did fuck her, after all. She gave me a huge grin like we were old friends that had just bumped into each other at the grocery store.

“Hi,” she said.

Fuck, I was going to have to speak.

“Hi,” I replied, hoping that I hadn’t just said it in my head, that I’d said the words aloud so she could hear me.

“Are you looking for Joel?”

I nodded. Not trusting what might come out of my mouth.

“He just popped out. Do you want to wait?”

“No no. No, no. That’s fine. I’ll catch him later.”

“Shall I say you stopped by?”

“No, no that’s fine. It’s fine. I’ll catch him another time.”

“He’ll have his cell with him, I’m sure,” she said. Probably trying to be helpful. As helpful as you can be, in a towel.

“Ok. Thanks. Bye. Nice to meet you.” I waved at her as I headed back the three steps to the lift and pressed the down arrow button furiously. I needed out. Now.

Just when I thought I had nothing to lose, I found out there was further to fall.

Past

“How’s your head, baby?” Joel asked.

I was stroking his chest after half-waking and rolling over and attaching myself to him like a limpet, my eyes still closed.

“Don’t speak. Don’t ever speak,” I croaked.

He chuckled and pulled me closer to him. He was always so fucking cheerful in the morning. If Joel had one thing that irritated me about him, that was it.

“I’ll make you feel better.” He grabbed my ass.

“If you put your penis anywhere near me, Joel Wentworth, I will throw up on you.”

“You are adorable when you are grouchy and hung-over.”

“Fuck you.”

“Anytime, baby. Shall I get you some juice? Something for your headache?”

I shook my head. “Stay.” I didn’t want him to leave this bed. His bed. I sat bolt upright. “I stayed over.”

“And who said you wouldn’t make it as a lawyer? You have the ultimate powers of perception.”

“I mean I’m not at home.”

“Again with the perceptive thing.”

I flung a pillow at Joel as he lay there looking perfect, grinning at me.

“How am I going to explain this?” I asked.

“I think the questions about us making out on the dance floor will be the first ones you field.”

“Oh god.” I groaned and fell back on the bed.

“What’s the big deal, anyway?”

We’d never really discussed my need to keep Joel and me a secret. He never pushed me, never wanted an explanation from me. I assumed he was happy with the arrangement. Or at least not unhappy with the arrangement.

“You know, I just like things between us.” I was being evasive. I knew it.

Joel turned and propped his head on his elbow, looking at me as I looked at the ceiling.

“But you actively don’t want people knowing about us?”

“I don’t see how it’s anyone else’s business.”

“But it does change how we are together and how often we see each other. I don’t understand why we can’t just be ourselves, a couple, like we were over Christmas.”

He wasn’t moaning or demanding or whining, he was just raising excellent points. It irritated me. He was just so good at everything. Good at making me feel good, good at making his friends feel good, good academically, good-looking. Good at making reasoned and reasonable arguments. He should be the lawyer. I looked across at him and he stroked my face. “There’s nothing to be scared of.”

“But Joel, I don’t want people weighing in our relationship, telling us what’s right and wrong in it, people telling you how you could do better ...”

“That’s what you’re worried about? That people will tell me I could do better, and that I’d have some kind of epiphany and be persuaded that they are right?”

When he said it like that, it sounded ridiculous. I knew he loved me. I pursed my lips. I didn’t have a response. At least I didn’t have one that made any objective sense and I knew it.

“And Jules likes you. I don’t want to upset her.”

Joel moved on top of me so we were nose to nose. He pushed my hair away from my face. I loved the feeling of his weight on top of me.

“You are just grasping at straws now. Jules likes everyone. She doesn’t discriminate, and you know she wouldn’t be upset if we were together.”

He was right, as usual. I trailed my fingers down his back in response.

“Are you trying to distract me?” he asked.

“You’re the one lying on top of me.”

“I just like you waking up in my bed. I can’t resist you in the mornings. Or the afternoons. Or the evenings.” He knew just what to say and when.

“Even when I’m grouchy and unreasonable?”

“Especially when you’re grouchy and unreasonable.”

“You’re sick, you know that? Perverted.”

“Maybe.” He smiled at me and dipped his head to push his lips to mine.

I felt a shiver go down my spine. He moved his lips across to my neck, his arms braced either side of me and began to nip and lick and suck my neck.

“So, if people saw us together ...” I was distracted by his mouth.

“... then I guess we can just ... oh god ... tell people we are together.” He pushed his erection against my thigh in response and he moved down my body to my breasts.

“And if they didn’t see ...” My back arched at the feel of his teeth around my nipple. “We can just ... FUCK ...” I screamed as he pushed inside of me, bringing his eyes back to mine, watching the reaction he had on me.

“I couldn’t wait another moment to be inside you, Ava.” He started to move slowly above me and all I could think about was how perfect he was, how good he felt, how much he wanted me. “How does that feel?”

“Perfect.”

“Perfect?” he asked. “Perfectly hard? Perfectly deep? Tell me.”

“Joel.” I was embarrassed that I was so turned on by his words, but I couldn’t answer him.

“You are perfect. Perfectly beautiful, perfectly soft, perfectly wet, perfectly mine.”

I clenched and pushed my hips further toward him, meeting his rhythm. He tightened his jaw and I could tell he was holding himself back, waiting for me. I gripped his shoulders and felt him push deeper with every thrust. I wanted this feeling to last forever, the feeling of being right on the edge of the most numbingly pleasurable moment, and then I was lost. I exploded deep within, the waves pulsing across my belly, down my arms and legs as my back arched and I called Joel’s name.

Joel’s thrusts quickened. “You look fucking amazing when you come for me.” And then he tensed as he came deep inside me.

I would do anything for this man.

Present

“Don’t sweat it about Will, babe.”

Jules and I had been on the phone for about twenty minutes, but I couldn’t recall anything she’d been telling me. I’d not engaged. Part of me was watching a muted episode of Nashville. I’d seen it before. Part of me was reliving my encounter with Insanely Hot Girl. Part of me was wondering how long it would take before my spoon would be able to dig into the cookies and cream ice-cream that I had between my knees, willing it to defrost. That didn’t leave much room for me to focus on Jules. Apparently she’d noticed.

“Sorry, my mind wandered.”

“You must have really liked him. You seem cut up about it. Why don’t you give him another chance?”

I rolled my eyes. I wish I could scream at people that Will wasn’t the fucking problem.

“Will wasn’t right for me. He wasn’t the one.”

“Fucking hell, babe. You need Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Right. Just find someone you can have some fun with. Someone who’s good in bed. Did you even let Will into your bed?”

“You know I didn’t.”

“I bet he had a huge cock. You could see it in the way he walked.”

“What?” Jules was officially losing it. “You could tell by his gait that he had a big cock?”

“I’m not saying that having it swinging between his legs made him walk differently, just that he was confident.”

“Whatever.”

“You could have missed out there.”

“Well, why don’t you go and find out since you’re so obsessed with his cock? He’s single now, from what I’ve heard.”

“No need to get snarky.”

“Sorry. I just—I wasn’t thinking about Will. I wish we could just drop it.”

“So, what were you thinking about?” I must have really upset Jules if she was asking me questions like this. Upset her or worried her. I hated to think I’d done either.

“That I need a change.” I wasn’t thinking that, but as it came out, it felt good. Maybe a new job or a hobby. “Maybe I’ll go work abroad. Take a year out or something.”

“Really?” Jules sounded shocked. “You didn’t even take a gap year when we all took gap years.” She didn’t need to remind me of that. “So you’re really thinking of stepping out of the rat race? Wonders will never cease.”

“I’m not saying I’m going to do it. Just that I’m thinking about doing it.”

“Right. But you didn’t even think about it after Uni. So it counts as personal growth, Ava.”

If only she knew how much I’d thought about it. A wave of regret passed through me and I stood abruptly. Things could have been very different.

Past

Joel and I spent the morning in bed and I headed back to campus just before lunchtime. Joel offered to come with me. He could tell I was nervous, but I reassured him that there was no need for him to chaperone me. This was my issue and I had to deal with it. And anyway, I think I would have felt more self-conscious if he had been there. I felt braver on my own. I had my story prepared. I would simply say that, yes, Joel and I had kissed and left together and I’d stayed at his place—as soon as anyone asked me. I wasn’t going to lie anymore. I also wasn’t going to give away the fact we’d been together as long as we had been. I was going to make out like it was just a recent thing. I felt determined. No more hiding.

As I approached our block I took a deep breath. People often congregated on the stairs, and it was quite obvious that I was doing the walk of shame—I was wearing heels, for goodness sake. But I had nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, so I pulled back my shoulders and walked into my block. It was deadly quiet. Not a soul to be seen. Every door of the twelve bedrooms in our block were closed. That never happened. What was going on?

I took my time fishing my keys out from my bag and I kept looking around, waiting, half-wanting someone to catch me. Not that I was doing anything wrong.

Despite hanging about in my room in my clothes from the night before for around twenty minutes, there were still no signs of life in the block, so I gave up and got showered. I still had my towel wrapped around me and wet hair when Jules bust in.

“I feel fucking horrendous.” She was still in her PJs and didn’t look great. Jules normally wore her hangover better than that.

She slumped on my bed and covered her eyes with her arms.

“How are you showered already? You were pretty hammered last night.”

“It’s like 2 p.m. I slept in, believe me.” I smiled at the memory of Joel and I doing anything but sleep this morning.

“Well, you may never sleep again after what I’ve got to tell you.”

But what about what I have to tell you?

“Uh oh.” I was only half-listening.

Was Joel right? Would she not care that I was seeing him? Maybe she did really like him and she would be heartbroken.

“You promise not to tell?” she asked.

Maybe she’d stop speaking to me and our friendship group would be broken.

“Ava?”

“What? No, I won’t tell. What did you do?”

“Why do you assume I did something?”

“Well, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

I rolled my eyes. “Go on. What did you do?” I asked.

“I shagged Adam. And then I freaked and ran away, but I didn’t know where to go so I slept on the doorstep of the block.”

“That is way too much information in one lump. Break it down for me.”

“You are such a fucking lawyer.”

“You slept with Adam?”

Jules groaned. “I did. Oh my god, I did.”

“So, do you like him like him?”

“What? No.”

“So why did you sleep with him?”

“Oh, what, I’m only supposed to sleep with guys I like like?”

“Well, it’s one way to go.” I wasn’t a prude, and I wasn’t crazy about the guy I lost my virginity to, but being so in love with Joel and the sex being so incredible and seemingly so inextricably linked to our feelings for each other, I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

“Ok. And you slept on the doorstep why?”

Jules looked at me as if I were asking the most stupid question in the world. I raised my eyebrows in expectation of her answer.

“To get away from him.” She shook her head.

“And you didn’t just go to your bedroom?”

“He was in my bedroom. We were in my bedroom.”

“Oh, I see.” Why didn’t she just ask him to leave? Jules wasn’t backward at asking for what she wanted, but I really couldn’t follow Jules logic today.

“So, have you seen him this morning?” I asked.

“No, I saw him leave my bedroom early this morning and now I’m in hiding.”

I nodded my head. And I thought my news would split apart our group. Jules and Adam were going to be first past the post on that. And in any event, Jules hadn’t even asked about me and Joel. Maybe no one had seen. There was part of me that was disappointed. I had worked myself up to it. I was ready, I thought, to take on the world if it would make Joel happy. It seemed the world didn’t want to be taken on. Not yet anyway. Hanna was bound to have seen us. She never drank that much and she managed to always have all the gossip the next morning. It was the only advantage to staying sober, as far as I could make out.

There was a knock at the door. Jules jumped to her knees and covered her mouth with her hands.

“Don’t answer. It will be Adam,” she stage whispered.

I didn’t know what to do. This was ridiculous. I couldn’t pretend we weren’t in here, the walls were thin, and whoever was at my door would have heard us talking.

I waved at Jules and made my way over to the door. “Who is it?” I asked through the door.

“It’s me, Ava, let me in.” It was Hanna. Thank god for that.

I opened the door. She was also still in her PJs. Did the clocks change or something?

She joined Jules on my bed as I continued to comb through my hair and busy myself at my dressing table.

“Oh my god, Hanna, what am I going to do? Can you believe it?”

“You didn’t, did you?”

Jules nodded. I wasn’t sure that she didn’t love the attention at that moment. She was certainly getting enough of it. Maybe she did like Adam. Maybe this was all just a ruse to keep the spotlight. As much as I loved Jules, she had an insatiable desire to be at the center of everything. Maybe that’s why the three of us got on so well. Neither Hanna nor I craved that like Jules did. We were happy for her to take center stage. It was just ... I thought today would go a slightly different way.

“Oh my god. You were so drunk. You just went up to him and that was it,” Hanna said.

“I can’t really remember.”

“You don’t remember? We were at the bar, and I think you’d been to the bathroom or something, and you came over and said to Adam that you hadn’t given him a birthday kiss. And then you just grabbed him and stuck your tongue down his throat.”

“I did not.”

“You so did. And then when you came up for air, he said, ‘With all the shit you give me, I deserve a birthday blow job,’ and you nodded your head and said ‘You’re on,’ grabbed him, and the two of you left. Right there and then. It was hilarious.”

Jules was guffawing. She wasn’t the slightest bit embarrassed. Here I was ready to be mortified about a kiss on a dance floor with my serious boyfriend. Jules always managed to outdo me.

No one mentioned that Joel and I weren’t there. Perhaps no one could remember. But Hanna was giving a detailed account of the Jules and Adam hook up. She must have noticed we weren’t there.

“So, do you like him?” Hanna asked.

“Who, Adam? Are you serious?”

“I think you guys really match,” I said.

“That is such an insult.”

“It is not. You’re both my friends.”

“I’m just going to pretend it didn’t happen. I can’t remember most of it, anyway. If I can’t remember it, then it didn’t happen, right? Isn’t that what quantum physics says or something?”

“Or something,” I said.

“Well, I think you should make a go of it. What have you got to lose?” Hanna asked.

I loved that Hanna responded like that. It gave me hope that if and when people found out about Joel and me, I would have at least Hanna batting for us. Unless she assumed I’d get hurt because he was so far out of my league. Oh god, I was driving myself crazy. Should I just tell them, get it over with? Jules would definitely think I was trying to steal her thunder. And then she might be pissed off because she liked Joel.

No. I would leave it and see if it came up. I loved having Joel to myself in our bubble. Whose business was it, anyway?

Chapter Twelve

Present

I stood outside Hanna and Matt’s, dreading going inside. Was this what it was going to be like now? Was I going to keep turning up to Hanna and Matt’s with a bottle of wine, on my own, to watch everyone else’s life move on? Could I really sit and watch Joel bring a parade of women into our group until he found one he wanted to marry, and then watch them as they built their lives together? Presumably he was going to bring the insanely hot girl from his flat today. Would she recognize me from the other night? Probably not. What if she did?

Christ, I felt pathetic. I plastered on a fake smile and pushed the Victorian door open. I loved that Hanna still left her door open in the middle of London like she was living in the 1950s.

There was plenty of noise at the end of the hallway in the kitchen. I could hear Joel. Feel him, as always. I wondered if he ever sensed me in the way I did him. I’d never asked him when we were together, but it had always been like that for me. And it had never gone away.

“Hiya,” I announced as I entered the room, not looking at anyone in particular and heading straight to the fridge. Alcohol would make things feel better.

There was a chorus of replies, but I concentrated on Hanna, who was elbow deep in something that I hoped, by the looks of it, we weren’t going to have to eat at any point.

“What’s that?” I asked suspiciously.

“It’s that coulibiac thing that I made for Matt’s boss.”

Great, we were going to have to eat it.

“Wine?” I asked.

“What, you think I haven’t started already?” She looked stressed.

I settled on a stool watching Hanna and realized that Matt, Joel, and Adam were, as usual, involved in some video game and had barely registered I‘d come into the room, which was fine with me. What was slightly less comforting was that they had been joined by Insanely Hot Girl. She was so young. Of course she was. And she couldn’t have lungs because it must have been impossible to breathe in jeans that tight. She was an Insanely Hot Alien.

“She’s young,” Hanna muttered under her breath. “Jules is not going to be happy.”

I’d forgotten about Jules in all this.

“She’s with Joel?” I faked the question. Jules nodded.

“From New York,” she added, and raised her eyebrows.

I felt a punch to my gut. This wasn’t Insanely Hot Girl that Joel hadn’t slept with. This was someone insanely hot from his life in New York. Someone who liked him enough to come and visit him in London. Someone he liked enough to have in his flat. Thank god I had run the other night. I really hoped she didn’t recognize me, or that she’d forgotten about me or something.

There was a disappointed cry across the room from everyone except Adam, who cheered, as their game came to an end.

“I whooped you all,” he said punching the air.

Everyone ignored him.

“More beers, everyone?” Matt asked as he got up. He came over and kissed me on the cheek. Everyone else followed.

“Ava, this is Jamie.” Hanna made our introduction.

Her eyes lit up. “Hi again.” And she hugged me awkwardly and giggled. “I have more clothes on this time.”

I smiled, tightly and nodded. I felt Joel’s eyes on me. I couldn’t look at him.

“Again?” he asked quietly and Jamie responded before I could think of anything to say. “We’re old friends.” And she giggled again. Yup, she was a giggler. An Insanely Hot Giggling Alien.

Joel look confused and before he could press me, I hopped off my stool. “Shall I set the table?” I asked Hanna.

“Yes, for eight,” Hanna replied without looking up from whatever she was doing with her pastry and a rollery, bladey thing that looked like it belonged in a Chinese torture chamber.

Eight? “Is Daniel coming?”

“No, Jules is bringing someone. Some guy from the office.”

“Oh, does she know about the alien?” Shit, I said that aloud.

“The alien?” Hanna looked up from torturing the pastry. “What?”

“Nothing,” I said. God I hated bitchy me.

Hanna furrowed her forehead at me and shrugged her shoulders.

From the table I listened to Joel and the Insanely Hot Giggling Alien, praying she wouldn’t tell him about my visit. They stood slightly away from the others between me and the kitchen.

“What do you mean, you’re old friends?”

Couldn’t he just drop it?

She didn’t answer. She was trying to distract him.

“Tell me,” he asked again.

“It’s nothing, Joel.” She seemed irritated by his questioning. Good.

“Have you met her before?” He was whispering, but I was homed in on their conversation.

“Jesus, Joel, can’t you leave it? She doesn’t want you to know.” I had to admire her. She was trying to do the right thing by me and keep my secret. But I knew well enough that Joel wasn’t going to leave it there. I had my back to them and was fussing with cutlery. Where was this going to go?

“Know what, Jamie?”

“She just popped by the other day. I answered the door and she changed her mind or something. I don’t know. She asked me not to mention it.”

Fuck.

How was I going to explain this? What excuse could I use for going to his place? I could say I got locked out again. No, that wouldn’t work. It hadn’t been late and he knew Hanna and Matt had a key.

“And you were naked?” he asked.

“No. I was in a towel. I’m not going to open your door naked, am I?”

“I have no idea. You are so irresponsible I wouldn’t put anything past you.” His voice was clipped and irritated and it soothed me. He was pissed and I was pleased.

Jules then burst through the door. It was just the distraction I’d been praying for.

“Hey, guys.”

“Wow, you’re hot!” she immediately said to Jamie. “Who are you?”

“I’m Jamie,” she said and pulled Jules into a hug, too. Jules wasn’t much of a hugger even with the best of her friends, and she looked shocked at the intrusion of her personal space.

“Well, aren’t you friendly? American, I presume?”

“My accent gives it away, I guess.” She giggled, again. “I’m with Joel.”

Jules threw a look at Joel and then back and her and then to Hanna who raised her eyebrows.

“She’s my business partner’s little sister,” Joel explained.

“I’m 21. I’m not so little.”

“And you’re in London?” Jules asked.

“I am.” She grinned, not realizing that Jules’ question was hoping to solicit rather more information that she had given out.

“Well, this is Harvey.” She introduced Harvey to Jamie and then to the rest of us.

Harvey was very good-looking. And probably, although I wouldn’t have put money on it, gay.

Past

“So, how did it go?” Joel called me wanting to know how everyone had reacted to our kiss on the dance floor and my walk of shame. Jules and Hanna were still in my room discussing the aftermath of Jules and Adam’s shagfest, so I’d slipped out into the corridor.

“No one’s mentioned anything. I don’t think anyone saw, and then Jules is all full of drama because she had sex with Adam last night.”

“So you didn’t tell them?”

“Did you just hear me? Jules and Adam!”

“I don’t give a shit about Jules and Adam.”

I didn’t know what to say. I was enjoying the Jules and Adam drama, partly because is deflected from Joel and me.

“Did you want me to tell everyone, even if they didn’t see us?” I didn’t understand what had Joel so uppity. It was just as it always had been with us, same as yesterday, same as last week. Joel didn’t respond. “Do you want me to make a big deal about it?”

“I thought the issue had resolved itself last night, that’s all.”

“Is there an issue?”

More silence.

“Joel?”

“Whatever, Ava.”

“Are you mad?”

“No, I’m not mad. I just don’t get it. Why do you care what they think so much?”

I did care about what they thought, but it wasn’t just that. I was afraid I would lose him, afraid what we had would disintegrate under the magnified lens of our friends’ scrutiny. Afraid he would wake up and realize that he could do better, whatever that meant. Afraid our group of friends would bend and splinter.

“I’m just trying to protect us.” This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have over the phone and I wasn’t explaining myself very well. I wanted Joel to understand.

“By hiding?”

“It’s that Observer Effect thing, isn’t it?”

“What? You think we will change if others are looking at us?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Look, I love you, Ava. That’s not going to change. If you think it will change for you, by people knowing ... I just don’t know what to think.” He sounded upset. It was the last thing I wanted.

“Did I ever tell you I applied for Cambridge?” Maybe he would understand this.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Well, I did, and I got through to the interview. And everyone was so excited and the school made an announcement in our assembly, and all my friends were telling me how I was going to ace the interview and my parents were so proud and told their friends and—”

“And …?”

“And all I felt was this tremendous pressure on me, like I was trapped in a vice or something. I forgot to be excited about it and I just concentrated on pleasing everyone. On getting in, because that’s what everyone wanted for me.” I exhaled. I’d forgotten how difficult it had been. “I totally bombed the interview, I could barely look at the panel members. It was all too much. Too much expectation, too much pressure, and I crumbled. And part of me knew, still knows, that if I’d just not told anyone—if it had just been left to me—I’d have done it. I would have gotten in. And I know it’s not the same, but I don’t want that pressure and expectation on us. Not yet. Just until exams are over, can we leave it between just us?”

“Ava, it’s not the same. We’re us. I love you.”

Jules stuck her head out of my bedroom and mouthed, “Who is it?” Her nosiness had overruled her worry about seeing Adam. My instinctive reaction was to lie to her, to cover up my relationship with Joel, but I stopped myself. If it came out, it came out.

“It’s Joel,” I said. I wanted Joel to hear me. Hear me telling the truth.

“What?” Joel said.

“Jules was asking who I was on the phone with.”

Jules was either satisfied that my call didn’t involve her, or irritated that my call didn’t involve her. She headed back in the bedroom without any sort of reaction.

“Oh,” he replied. I couldn’t tell if he was pleased that I’d been up front with Jules. Maybe it was the least he expected. “If it comes up, I’m not going to lie, Ava.”

“Ok.” What else could I say? “I love you.”

“I’ll see you later.”

He didn’t say it back. He’d always said it back.

“Ok, bye,” I said.

“Ok, bye.”

My heart sank just a little lower in my chest as I went back into my bedroom. The girls were both sitting cross-legged on my bed chatting, so I pulled the cushion off my chair and sat down.

“What did he say?” Jules asked.

“What about?”

“Me and Adam.”

I was confused for a second and then I realized that Jules must have thought that Joel called me to discuss her and Adam.

“Oh, nothing. I don’t think he knew.”

“Oh.” Jules seemed a bit disappointed that she wasn’t the center of my conversation with Joel.

“Why was he calling?” Hanna asked. It wouldn’t occur to Jules to ask.

“Oh, just checking I made it back ok.” It was more than I thought I would say. To my surprise, my explanation was accepted without further probing.

“So you can’t just hide in here for the rest of the year. Do you want me to talk to him?” Hanna suggested. Quite typically she was trying to smooth things over.

Jules grinned, clearly this is what she’d been angling for all along. “Only if you make it clear I’m not interested.”

I zoned out at some point during their planning. They didn’t notice.

Present

“Can you all get yourselves drinks and sit down, please,” Hanna said, trying to herd us all to the table. “Matt, can you help?”

Harvey seemed to pick his seat quickly and I put myself down next to him. If I was next to Harvey, I couldn’t be sandwiched between Joel and the Insanely Hot Giggling Alien. As Jules walked behind me, I pulled on her hand to encourage her to sit next to me, which she did. I breathed a sigh of relief. The Insanely Hot Giggling Alien sat the other side of Jules. Perhaps this wouldn’t be so bad.

“So, you work with Jules?” I asked Harvey.

“Yeah. Kinda. She’s doing the PR on a campaign we’ve been working on. I’m in advertising.”

I nodded. He smelled good. And he had a nice smile.

“Have you known her since Uni?” he asked.

“Yes, we’ve known each other too long. We know all of each other’s dirty secrets.”

“Really?” Joel interrupted from where he had sat down, directly opposite me. Our eyes met for the first time this evening and my stomach flipped. I wondered if that would ever go away.

I couldn’t tell if he was interested, making polite conversation, or talking about us.

“Yes, all my dirty secrets. But not all my secrets are dirty,” I said. I didn’t want him to think that I thought what we had had was dirty. It wasn’t. It had been beautiful.

Joel just nodded and then was interrupted my Matt who was next to him.

“So, tell me a dirty secret,” Harvey said.

I fake-scowled at him.

“You tell me one, first.”

“I just got dumped,” he said straight away.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Who and when?”

“And then you’ll tell me one of yours?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Daisy. Yesterday.”

“Daisy,” I said, almost to myself.

“You thought I was gay, didn’t you?”

“The more important question is, did Daisy?”

Harvey laughed. “No, I don’t think that was the problem. I’m just ready and she’s not.”

I half-smiled, half-scowled. “Ready?”

“Yeah. I want to get married and settle down and have a family, and she isn’t ready.” This was fascinating to me. Men often seemed so clinical about relationships.

“So, it wasn’t that she wasn’t in love with you. You were it for each other, but the timing wasn’t right?” I asked.

Harvey took a deep breath in and his shoulders and chest rose.

“I don’t believe there’s one who’s going to be ‘it’ for me. I’ve loved a number of girls over the years and I would have married two or three, had it been the right time.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

“Wow.” It was all I could muster up.

“You don’t agree?” he asked.

“It’s not that I don’t agree. You feel what you feel.” The thought that I was just one of two or three of a number of girls that Joel had loved filled me with ... with ... pain, rage, sadness. He was it for me. He would always be it for me. I wondered if Joel was listening, but I couldn’t bring myself to lift my eyes to him to see.

“So, you loved all these girls, but you’re not with any of them now? Would you go back to them?”

Harvey shook his head. “No. Life moves on, doesn’t it? I don’t believe in looking backward.”

“Do you think you were really in love? Like thunderbolt, I-can’t-live-without-you love?”

Harvey laughed and then stopped as if he had just realized what I’d asked him. “I’ve absolutely been in love. And I don’t have a problem telling women when I’m in love with them, but love sometimes isn’t enough.”

My stomach dropped. He was right. Sometimes it wasn’t. I looked up at Joel finally, but he was chatting to Matt. He wasn’t listening to our conversation. I looked back at Harvey.

“It’s not about telling someone. It’s about feeling it,” I said.

“So you believe in ‘the one,’ I take it?”

I nodded.

“And have you found him?”

“And lost him.”

“So now, what’s the answer? You die an old maid because you lost ‘the one’? You’re not going to give yourself a second chance?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“You’ll heal and you’ll find another love. I promise.” He was trying to comfort me but it was me that felt sorry for him. He’d never felt what I felt for Joel, or he wouldn’t say that.

“I don’t think so. Men compartmentalize these things in a way I don’t think women can. Men can say, ‘We’ve split up, life moves on, I’ll find someone else,’ and then never think about that person again. Women, I think, bruise more deeply, love longer.”

He finished his mouthful of food. “You think Daisy will take me back?”

“I think that if you feel the thunderbolt, you will love her whether or not she takes you back.”

I could feel the sadness rise in me.

***

I floated back into consciousness, knowing that I’d woken before morning. I’d not been that late to bed. Well, I’d been in bed by midnight, which after Sunday lunch and a bucket of booze at Hanna and Matt’s wasn’t bad. But I couldn’t have been asleep long. Had I heard something? I heard it again, banging on my door. It couldn’t be Will again could it? It was getting louder. Fuck. He was going to wake my neighbors. I was wearing just an old Uni T-shirt, so I grabbed some underwear and almost tumbled over while trying to step into them.

What the hell time was it?

3 a.m.? What the fuck? Who the hell did Will think he was? We had been out a couple of times and he was behaving like I’d called off the wedding with a week to go!

I threw open the door and came face to face with Joel.

His arms were braced across my front door frame. His eyes flew to mine as I opened the door. His stare was heated. Was he angry? What was he doing here? I’d been about to give Will a mouthful as I opened the door and my mouth remained open, poised to expel expletives but I was suddenly mute.

Our eyes met but neither of us seemed to have any words.

I stood sideways making room for him to come inside.

He had things to say.

We had things to say.

It was time.

Past

“So are you two together, or over it, or what?” Daniel asked looking between Jules and Adam. A silence descended on the group as everyone waited to hear.

It was about a week since Adam’s 21st birthday. We’d not been together as a group since then. We were all sitting around a table in the Union bar. All of us except Joel. He’d texted to say he was coming, but he wasn’t here yet and I was scratchy all over. My body needed him. Things seemed fine and back to normal between us. Well, almost. We picked up our routine from the previous term—Joel collecting me to go to the library, me trying to concentrate on studying when all I could do was smell him and see him in front of me. We’d gone back to his place twice—dinner, fantastic sex. I sighed at the thought of the fantastic sex.

“There’s nothing to get over,” Jules said matter-of-factly. “I still hate him, think he’s annoying and irritating beyond words. He thinks I’m amazing and now knows I’m good in bed. And that’s it.”

I looked at Adam and, for once in his life, he didn’t have a riposte to Jules’ biting assessment of the situation. He just rolled his eyes. “Whatever, Jules.”

I grinned. That’s why we all liked Adam so much. As much as he dished it out, he could take it. And when it really mattered, he wasn’t going to try to come up with a comeback that might make Jules feel bad. Deep, deep down inside, he was a very sweet guy.

My skin buzzed. I looked up, searching for the cause. Joel had just come through the doors and was making his way over to the table. I smiled at him, but he was acknowledging someone across the bar.

“What’s going on here?” he asked as he reached the table and found us in uncomfortable silence.

“We’re just talking about Adam and Jules,” Matt filled him in.

Joel reached between Matt and Hanna and took some nuts from the bowl in the middle of the table. “Oh yes, Adam’s 21st. Good night. I kissed Ava that night.” And he turned and walked to the bar.

I choked on the vodka I had to my lips. Did I just hear him right? A wave of excitement passed through me. He wanted people to know.

“Ava?” Jules screeched. “Did you kiss Joel?”

I looked into the bottom of my plastic cup and nodded.

“That fucking bastard. I can’t believe it!” she screamed.

What?

“That’s it. We’re not staying around here with these assholes. What a complete shit.” Jules threw her phone into her bag and started to get up. I looked at Hanna, who looked confused—or was it concern I saw? “Come on. Fuck these fucking fuckers.”

Hanna and I knew better than to argue, so we scooted after her. Joel was still at the bar, chatting to the bartender as we left.

“Right. Let’s go into town,” Jules said.

“Why? I don’t want a big night,” Hanna whined. She wanted to spend the evening with Matt. I wanted to spend the evening with Joel. What happened?

***

“Don’t let that fucker upset you, Ava. Are you ok? You should have told us. I’d have punched him in the balls for you.” Jules had convinced us to go to another bar just off campus. It was full of retired men wondering what the hell we were doing there.

“Jules, I’m fine. Are you mad at me?”

“Why would I be mad at you? I’m mad for you!” I still wasn’t quite sure what was going on. Hanna looked at me sympathetically. I stayed silent, hoping that things would become clearer. “Well, don’t sweat it. You are too good for him anyway. Let’s get some shots in.” Jules stormed to the bar.

“You seem to be staying really strong, Ava. Good for you,” Hanna said.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be? Is Jules mad? Does she really like him?”

Hanna shrugged. “I don’t think so. No more than she likes any fuckable guy on campus. Are you worried about Jules?” I nodded. “You are so sweet. Fucked over by Joel and you’re worried about Jules.” Hanna gave me another sympathetic look and squeezed my hand.

“What do you mean ‘fucked over by Joel’?” Is that what they thought?

“You know. Don’t take it personally, Ava. It’s just him. It’s just boys in general. They think with their dicks.”

“I’m not taking it personally. Joel didn’t fuck me over,” I said.

Hanna patted my hand again.

Jules came back with our shots. “Come on girls. Let’s forget those freaks.”

“Look,” my voice was louder now, “Joel didn’t fuck me over. At all.”

Jules looked at me and raised her shot glass to her lips “Shot!” she screamed.

“Seriously, guys, we’re friends. I like him,” I said.

“And he completely takes advantage to keep up his reputation,” Jules said, shaking her head.

“What? He didn’t take advantage of me.”

“She’s crazy for him,” Hanna said to Jules as if I couldn’t hear.

“Oh, Ava. Don’t be that girl. Whatever you do, don’t be that girl.” Jules was still shaking her head.

“What girl?” I was angry and confused and blindsided. What was Joel thinking? I could feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Joel would be wondering where we got to.

“The girl that pines after the player. Don’t be that girl.”

“I’m not being ‘that girl,’ as you put it.”

“Then promise me. I want you to promise me that you’ll never kiss him again. Promise me you’ll not pine after him, you’ll not daydream about him, you won’t text him. You’ll just ignore him.” Jules had grabbed my arm and was trying to pin me down with her eyes.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” I answered. God, what would they say if they knew the whole truth? They’d think I was the biggest idiot in the world.

“Honey, she doesn’t want to see you hurt. You know Joel, he has all these girls hovering around him ... He has plenty of choices, let’s put it that way,” Hanna said.

“And you’re saying, with all those choices, why would he choose me?” This is exactly what I’d expected them to say, and why wouldn’t they? They were right. I had no idea why he chose me, but he had.

Hanna tilted her head in sympathy. Jules had her eyebrows raised.

“Whatever. I’m going home.” I grabbed my bag and headed out.

I heard Hanna say behind me, “Let her go, her pride’s been hurt.”

Fucking hell. I was pissed at Joel and infuriated at Jules and Hanna for living down to my expectations of their reaction. Why did he have to say anything? And to drop a bomb like that in the way he did. I pulled my phone from my pocket.

Where the fuck did you go? J

We were dragged out by Jules and I just had to endure lectures on what a shit you are and how, with all the girls on offer to you, there’s no way you’d pick me. Naturally I feel great about the night. I’m going home. A

My heart was pounding and my chest felt tight. I don’t know who I was angrier with, Joel or Hanna and Jules for reacting in exactly the way I expected them to.

God, I’m sorry. I should have warned you. I was just frustrated. Come over. I’ll leave the guys here. J

I need to go home. A

It affected me, what they’d said. They were right. Joel did have a lot of choices. And why would he choose me?

Please come by. I miss you. I wanted to spend the evening with you and I feel cheated. J

I could feel my resolve wavering.

Joel.

Ava, please. I can make it better.

Chapter Thirteen

Present

As soon as Joel came through the door, we moved the short distance to my kitchen and I pulled open the cupboard that held glasses. Neither of us were big coffee drinkers. I figured the adrenaline would keep us awake without needing caffeine. I poured us both a glass of water and put a wedge of lime and ice in his, just how he liked it. I didn’t like lime, but I always kept frozen wedges in case one day I needed them.

He accepted the glass and we headed out of the kitchen. I drew breath. I was ready for this. Ready for something. Closure. His anger. His indifference. A calm had descended on me. The conversation with Harvey had helped bring things into focus for me. I would love Joel forever. He was my thunderbolt. And he didn’t have to love me back for me to love him.

I pulled a cushion onto my lap as I sat down so my underwear wasn’t on display. My body twisted toward Joel as he sat at the other end of my sofa. He sat his glass of the coffee table, and then perched on the edge of the cushion with his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. He was thinking.

Here he was in my flat. I felt elation and pain mixed together.

Finally he spoke. “I just don’t get it. I don’t know if I’m being paranoid, reading things into situations that shouldn’t be there. I don’t know if you’re playing games, I just ...” He thrust his hands through his beautiful hair.

What was he asking me? “I’m not a game player, Joel. You know me better than that.”

“Do I?” He looked up at me. He looked ... hopeful.

I nodded. “You know you do.”

He went back to staring at the floor.

“Ask me,” I said. This was the boy I shared everything with. He could ask me anything. I would tell him everything he wanted to know. It would always be like that for me.

“The necklace,” he said after a few seconds. “Why did you wear it that night? The night you introduced Will to your friends as your boyfriend. Were you trying to hurt me?”

I ached that he thought I would ever try to hurt him. The thought that I might have was awful, but it was something else, too.

“No. I would never try to hurt you.”

He looked at me and raised his eyebrows.

“I know I’ve hurt you before, but not because I wanted to. I would never try to hurt you,” I repeated.

“Then why?”

“The whole truth?”

“And nothing but the truth,” he finished for me. I was sure I saw the beginning of a smile at the corners of his mouth.

“I think there were lots of reasons. It’s complicated.”

“I want to know, Ava,” he said to the floor.

I sucked in my breath. This was it. I really had nothing to lose. “I think it was because I was trying to move on with Will, but I didn’t want to. Not really. I needed a piece of you on me. Touching me.”

He didn’t speak and his head was still bowed.

“It’s always—the necklace—it’s always with me, but I’ve not worn it since you left. Not until that night. I think I felt I was betraying you by introducing someone to my friends so easily, and I wanted to show myself, and you, that I hadn’t really. That it wasn’t the same. That I wasn’t the same. That standing up to my friends wasn’t difficult for me anymore.”

Still, he had no words for me. It was perhaps too much truth for him, for me. It showed how messed up I was. How he was still in so much of what I did and didn’t do. But it didn’t stop me from telling him the whole truth.

“And ... I think on some level I wanted to remind you that you told me that you’d love me for infinity. And that you changed, and it wasn’t just me that fucked up eight years ago. You let me go, too. You moved and you gave up on me. You gave up on us.” Thoughts I'd never really acknowledged came tumbling out. I was so fixated on the fact that I had hurt him, I didn't realize that he'd hurt me, too. I had wanted him to stay and fight for me. But although they were angry words, I didn’t sound angry. I didn’t feel angry. I wasn’t angry with him. We were kids trying to do the best we could.

He nodded. “It wasn’t fair on Will.”

“You’re right. I wasn’t fair on Will. But it was dating him that wasn’t fair. The necklace ... well, he never knew.” It may have been unfair, but at least he hadn’t known.

“And Jamie? She said you came around the other night,” he said.

I didn’t respond and he looked up at me.

“I did,” I conceded.

“Why?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Why are you here?”

“You know there’s nothing going on. She’s just staying because she’s my partner’s sister.” His words tumbled out, answering the questions that had been swirling in my head all evening.

Relief curled in my stomach. Partly because there was nothing going on with Jamie and partly because he wanted to make sure I knew that. To reassure me. That meant ... what? Something.

“There are always going to be plenty of women who want a piece of Joel Wentworth,” I said almost to myself.

“Maybe, but plenty of women are not the women I want.” Before I had time to make sense of what he said, he stunned me with his next question. “And what about Adam?”

“What about Adam?”

“What is he to you?”

“Are you serious?”

Silence.

“Adam’s my friend. A very irritating but lovable friend.”

“Lovable?” I almost laughed at the pout in his voice. Almost.

“You know that he’s just my friend, Joel.”

“Can I get that in writing?”

I grinned. “Absolutely.”

“You don’t have feelings for him?”

“I have friendly feelings for him, but not romantic feelings.”

He pursed his lips. “Do you think he does for you?”

“What, have romantic feelings?” I didn’t get a response. “No, I don’t think he does. We don’t have that kind of thing between us. We never did. You know that.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” He slumped back onto the sofa. Still not looking at me. “And tonight ... the things you were saying to that guy.” He had been listening. Had I been hoping that he was listening? Maybe.

I could see it all racing through his head. He scrubbed his hands over his face.

“Can I get a question now?” I asked.

“Sure, why not,” he said, resigned as he slumped back on the sofa.

I didn’t have a question ready. I have five million running through my head, but which one should I ask first? There was a long silence.

“There’s too many, right?” Joel said and he turned to look at me. He was in my head.

“Do you want a shot?” It was the first thing that popped into my head.

Without waiting for an answer, I quickly collected two glasses and vodka from the kitchen and set them down on the coffee table. Sitting on the sofa, leaning forward, I busied myself pouring two small glasses and pushed the one nearest Joel further over to him.

He scooted to the edge of the sofa, mirroring me, and picked up the glass and we looked at each other as we raised our shots. It was like we’d spent the last eight years together. Like he was looking at me not as some girl from University who had been his first love ... but like he loved me now. I tipped back my shot. It felt good burning down my throat. I closed my eyes and kept them shut, not wanting to open them and not find that look in his eyes still.

“Have you thought of one?” he asked.

“Why are you here?”

He shrugged. “To ask you questions. To try and make sense of all this.” His hands were making shapes from the air between us. “Because I miss you.”

Silence.

Hope.

“And have you made sense of it?” I asked.

He blew out a breath, “Not yet. You?” he asked.

“I think ... I know what’s ... Will helped me make sense of me.”

“Oh.”

“In the sense that I know me better. What’s best for me, I mean.”

“And that is?”

“Just what I said before, that dating doesn’t really work for me. It’s not fair on the guy.”

We were teetering on the brink of something. Of me telling him something and everything.

“Because?” Apparently Joel was behind me, trying to shove me over the edge.

I decided to jump. “Because I’ll always be in love with you.”

I didn’t think about the landing. Hadn’t thought through what his response would be. I just jumped. Into silence.

Past

Twenty minutes after his last text, I was ringing Joel’s doorbell. I needed him to make it better. As soon as he opened the door, he grabbed me and held me tight to him. We stood there, half-in and half-out of his house, and I felt the tension drain from me like he was sucking it from me.

“I just can’t handle it,” I choked out and then my tears fell, hard.

“You know I love you, and that I’m not looking at any other girls, don’t you?” he asked, giving away uncertainty in his voice. I did know that. I was with him most of the time when he wasn’t in lectures. And I knew how he felt. I felt it, too. I didn’t need to doubt him.

“I want to concentrate on you and my exams. The rest doesn’t matter,” I sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m frustrating.”

He pulled me inside. “No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. I just love you and don’t want to hide it.”

“I get it. But can we leave it until after the exams? All this telling people shit. And all this judgment from other people. I just can’t handle it.”

“I know, baby. I’m sorry. Let’s just leave things how they are.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I just want to make sure you’re happy.”

“But I want you to be happy,” I said, misery in my voice.

“I’m happy if you’re happy.”

“I’m happy when we’re together,” I said. I wanted Joel and Ava in a bubble. That’s what made me happy.

“Then we’re both happy.”

“Ok,” I said, my tears slowing.

“Ok.”

“Ok, you loser,” I said as he lifted me up and kissed me hard.

“Sounds like you need some stress relief,” he mumbled into my neck.

I gripped him tighter. “Always.” I pulled my legs around his waist and he walked me into his bedroom.

“Well, you know I have a solution for that, Ava. I’m going to strip every piece of clothing from your perfect body, and then I’m going to lick and suck and tease every inch of you until you come screaming my name.” His eyes were dark and serious. My lips parted and I felt myself flush with desire. He brought us down to the bed and pulled my T-shirt off in one fluid movement. He ran his eyes across my body and then greedily leaned forward and took a lace-covered nipple between his teeth, swirling his tongue around the tip. My back arched; my hands ran across the top of his back. I loved his mouth on me.

His hand explored lower and found the waistband to my jeans, unbuttoning and unzipping, exploring and delving into the front of my underwear, finding my clit. My body went ridged at the contact and then relaxed as he found his rhythm. The rough pleasure to my breasts contrasted to the sweet pleasure from my clit and I moaned, “Joel. Oh. Yes.”

He knew me. He knew this got me out of my head, got me distracted, made my world just about him and me and our bodies and what we meant to each other. I could feel the slick between my legs and I wanted to feel his tongue. He knew. He fell onto his knees and pulled down my jeans and underwear and flung them across the room.

“Take it off for me,” he said. I had only my bra left on and reached behind my back and unclasped the lace, pulling it down my arms. I loved the look in his eyes that he gave me right then, like he couldn’t believe what he saw. It made me feel desired and sexy. I trailed my fingers across my breasts, my nipples tight. “Oh god, yes,” he grunted and pushed himself on top of me, claiming my mouth, delving inside with his tongue and then pulling away, leaving me wanting more. Fully clothed, he clamored off the bed and pulled me to the edge, my legs dangling from the end. He bent my knees back, leaving me exposed. I felt his breath first. Just a slight breeze, igniting a fire inside me. Then it got stronger as he blew against my sex.

“So hot for me, baby. Your sweet pussy is so hot and ready for me, isn’t it?” I twisted my hips in response and he asked again: “Isn’t it? Tell me, Ava.”

“Yes, Joel. Always.”

“And you’re so wet for me, before you’ve even felt my tongue.” And he licked from my clit down, and then plunged into me as if to find out for himself. My hips bucked off the bed, willing him deeper. All the heat in my body shot between my legs and everything I felt was magnified. I reached down to feel his hair between my fingers. His tongue found my clit again, circled and pushed, and then back down as deep as he could go. I glanced down between my legs and I saw him, his eyes closed as he moaned against my skin and the vibration of his noises, the sight of him between my thighs, taking pleasure from me, creating pleasure for himself, was too much.

“Joel,” I cried out. And he plunged two fingers in me as his tongue continued its work. “Oh, god.”

“That’s it, Ava.” His thumb replaced his tongue for a moment, his fingers never losing their rhythm. “I can feel you. I know your body so well, baby. You’re so close, so quickly. That’s what I do to you.” And his mouth took back my clit and I was lost. Nerve endings exploded across my body until something exploded in my heart.

He trailed up my body and as he looked at me, I could tell he wasn’t even nearly done with me.

“Come here,” he said as he pulled me to sit up. “Turn around. On all fours. I’ve got to get deep in you.”

And just seconds after my last orgasm, I wanted him again. Just as he described. I moved into position. He was behind me, rearranging my hips, making sure I was ready for him. He reached for my neck and gave my back long, sweeping strokes with his hands, each stroke raising my temperature.

“You look so beautiful like this, Ava. Your skin is so perfect.” He reached my ass and stroked around and around, almost deliberately avoiding taking things to the next level. My skin was on fire, desperate for him to please me with his fingers, his tongue, his cock. He blew over my sex, as if he could feel my heat, but it did anything but cool me. The waiting was driving me crazy. I wanted him inside me. I pushed back, urging him to give me more.

“So impatient, Ava. You can’t get enough, can you?”

“Joel,” I whimpered. “Please.”

“Tell me what you want.”

“I want you deep inside me.”

And that’s what it took. He placed his hands on my hips and I could feel him at my entrance, throbbing, waiting, and then he pushed in, just the tip, as if he were teasing me, testing my control.

“Please, Joel. I want more of you. I want all of you.”

“Oh god, Ava.” And he pushed into me, as deep as I’d ever felt him, and he lay his front over my back. It winded me, silenced me. He placed his hands over mine, lacing his fingers through my fingers, then pulled back and slammed into me again. He was right, it was so deep like this. I felt possessed by him. I hung my head unable to find any energy and groaned. All my concentration was on him and what he was doing to me. He changed position so his hands were braced on my shoulders. His pace picked up and the wetness from my previous orgasm mixed with the new. I felt it down my thighs.

Right there, in that moment, there was nothing that he could ask me to do that I would say no to. “Do you feel me? Moving like this inside you? Can you feel how hard I am for you? I’ve never been as hard as I am just at this moment.” He thrust in again, trying to make me feel what he was saying.

I nodded and let out a breathy “Yes.”

“And I feel you. I feel you all wet around my cock.”

And his words were too much. I collapsed on my elbows. My movement changed his angle inside me and then I felt it, my orgasm, as it started to build.

“Oh god, Ava, I’m so close,” he moaned from behind me. His thrusts became more urgent, and I knew I would come with him. His hand left my shoulder and reached across to my clit.

And in a blinding white light, I was lost to him and he was lost to me.

Chapter Fourteen

Present

The silence was still there and I had no more words. What was he thinking?

Joel sat forward and put his head in his hands. Then slumped back, then forward again. I watched him in his discomfort. Had he not expected me to say what I said? Did he not realize that I was still in love with him?

Finally, he broke the silence: “I’m scared.”

I wasn’t sure what it was that I expected him to say, but it wasn’t that. But I understood it. I felt it, too. I was scared I would never see him again. Scared of seeing him with someone else. Scared that I still loved him. Scared that he might not still love me. Scared that he did.

“Me, too.”

More silence. He still had his head in his hands.

“Can I kiss you?”

I hadn’t expected that either. “You don’t normally ask.” I said, not answering his question.

He lifted his head and turned to look at me. His face full of questions, thoughts, emotions. Still as handsome as he was at twenty-one.

“I was always sure. Before. I never had to ask because I was always sure.”

“You never have to ask,” I half-whispered.

There was about a mile between us and then nothing. He rose up to his feet and cupped my face in his hand and I closed my eyes. If we could just stay like this forever.

As I opened my eyes and looked up at him he reached to pull me up. I felt that familiar warmth pass from him to me. And there we were, his body an inch from mine.

He drew breath and pushed his hands from my shoulders down my arms, reaching my fingers, feeling them with his fingers before linking mine with his.

“So,” he said as we stood body to body, hand in hand.

A smile tried to escape me and I bit my cheek. I didn’t want to admit how it felt to be touching him again. “So.”

“So, I’m going to kiss you now.”

I nodded. “I’m going to let you. And I might kiss you back.”

“You will?” he asked, his grin coming into focus.

“I might,” I teased.

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

He took my face in his hands and that familiar buzz covered me, running across my skin. I closed my eyes, waiting, wanting.

I felt the slight touch of his lips against mine, just brushing my skin with their heat. I bit my bottom lip to ease the burn. He kissed the corner of my mouth, then the other. Then trailed a finger across my bottom lip, releasing it from my teeth. His head dipped again and his tongue followed the path his finger just made. It was delicious and maddening and wonderful. My mouth parted and his tongue pushed gently inside.

I couldn’t just stand there being kissed anymore, couldn’t not touch him. I brought my hands to his waist and then reached up his back. His tongue became more insistent, pushing against mine, his hands pulling me into him as if he wanted to somehow get us closer when there was no space between us.

He pulled his head back from me, and when I opened my eyes to see why I was being denied his mouth, he was looking at me. I smiled at him unsurely. Was he changing his mind? What was going on in his head?

“You taste the same,” he said.

My stomach turned. He sounded so ... sexy, so Joel, as he said it.

“You, too. You taste good.” I reached up behind his neck and pulled him back to me. Less reticent. Remembering what came before. It felt familiar and new and right.

I pulled out his shirt from the back of his trousers and slid my hands up his bare skin. His back was harder than I remembered. More muscles, wider. I felt him move under me and he groaned. Or was it me? I couldn’t tell as our mouths molded together. It wasn’t enough. I needed to feel his skin. I reached for the buttons on his shirt.

Fumbling, I undid the first two, pausing as his mouth moved to my neck. He kissed me on my collarbone; it was wickedly distracting. I brought his face to mine again so I could reach his buttons, but I couldn’t make my fingers work fast enough, so I pulled the fabric apart and sent the remaining buttons scattering to the floor.

Joel stopped suddenly and pulled back to look at me.

“You ripped my shirt,” he said.

“I did.”

“It was kinda hot.” He kissed me and pulled back again.

“I’m glad you think so. You were doing some good work there for a moment. What stopped you?”

“Well, you’ve got me half-naked here,” he said as I pushed this shirt over his shoulders.

I ran my hands over it, watching them as they traced the contours of his skin, and placed a kiss on his beautiful chest. His head fell back. Why had he stopped?

“Ava.” I stopped and looked at him. “This is fast. Are you sure?”

“I’ve had plenty of time to think it through, Joel. I’ve never been so sure about anything.”

“It’s just ...”

I dropped my hands from his chest and my eyes to the floor as I felt a chill go down my spine. It sounded like he wasn’t sure. He placed his hands on my shoulders.

“It’s just ...” he continued. “This can’t ...”

I turned away from him. I didn’t want to hear what he was going to say. He pulled me into him, my back to his front, and wrapped his arms around my waist as I struggled against him.

“Let me finish.”

I relented and stayed still but tense. Willing him to say something I wanted to hear.

“This can’t just be about sex, Ava. If that’s what this is for you, then I can’t do it. It—this thing—it nearly broke me. In fact, I’m not sure I’ll ever really recover. But if this is just a one night thing for you, then we need to end this now. I couldn’t go through that.”

I gasped and something lodged in my throat. I tried to push it down. Is that what he thought? I circled in his arms to face him and reached up for his face.

“Joel, I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. You can have any piece of me you want. You can have me tonight or forever. I’m yours.”

With his thumb, he wiped the tear that had just escaped the corner of my eye and then he pulled me toward him to hold me to his chest, his arms covering my back.

After a few minutes our breathing synchronized. He hadn’t responded. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. All that mattered was that I was in Joel’s arms again and I’d told him everything.

“So, is there a bedroom?” he asked after a while.

I pulled my head from his chest and looked at him, trying to work out what he was asking.

“Yes, there’s a bedroom. Where do you think I sleep?” I said. Before I could whisper ‘weirdo’ under my breath, he’d tossed me over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift and demanded directions.

He threw me onto my back on the bed and crawled over me. “We’ve got some catching up to do,” he said as he pulled my T-shirt over my head and stared at my breasts. “We’ve been in love a long time, Ava. It’s time we acted like it.” His eyes darkened. He pulled my nipple between his thumb and his finger, pebbling it, filling it with blood and desire. I pushed my chest toward him.

“So, for you, this is more?” I asked, barely able to form words as his hand moved across to the other breast. He nodded before he bent his head and replaced his fingers with his mouth.

“For me, this ... you … are everything.” His head dipped to between my breasts, down my stomach to my underwear. His kisses scorched into the skin, creating a line of fire across my stomach. I pushed my hands through his hair. I’d forgotten how much I loved the feel of every part of him. Every inch that I knew so well, that I’d missed so much. He hooked his thumbs into the sides of my underwear and pulled them down. He kneeled over me, watching my body, his eyes wandering up and down and across and then down.

“You are so beautiful.”

I brought my knees up to my chest. I felt self-conscious under his glare.

“Don’t hide from me.” He pulled my knees down so they were bent and my feet were flat to the bed. He pushed my knees apart and focused on what he exposed. I let him, but I turned my head away so I couldn’t see where he was looking. “What is it?” he asked.

“You said that I’d aged when you met me. I overheard you talking to Adam.” I flung my arm across my eyes. I felt silly. We’d all aged. I felt Joel move across the mattress and stand up.

“I did?” he asked.

I nodded.

“I don’t remember. I remember thinking how I didn’t recognize you at first. You seemed so ...”

“Old?”

“Sophisticated. Grown up. Out of my league.”

I took the arm from my eyes and propped myself up on my elbows. He’d taken his trousers off and was looking back at me.

“No one’s out of your league, Joel Wentworth.”

He lay next to me on the bed and linked his fingers through mine. “I always thought you might be. You were super-smart, and funny, and you didn’t seem to fall for my charms. Or what I thought at 20 were charms.”

“Hello? I totally fell for your charms.”

“But it took more effort than I was used to. In a good way. And when I came back, you had ... I don’t know. You had turned into this glossy, sexy, lawyer woman. I’d never known you like that. You know, as a grownup. You were never here when I came back to London after.”

We both lay on our backs staring at the ceiling. Our hands and our hips and our legs touching. Energy buzzing and jumping between us.

He was still my Joel.

“So because I started going to a hair salon and wearing outfits that cost more than my lunch, suddenly I’m sophisticated?”

“You’re beautiful, and I’d forgotten how beautiful. I guess that’s what I was trying to say to Adam.”

Silence.

“I avoided being around when you came back.”

Silence.

“I couldn’t bear to see you with a new life that didn’t include me,” I continued.

He reached over and pulled me to him.

“I wanted to see you. I came back to see you.”

“This time?”

“Every time.”

He pushed me onto my back and climbed over me. I loved his familiar weight and I brought my fingers up his sides, marveling at the feel of him, the size of him, the hardness of him.

“Do we need to … ”

He didn’t need to finish his thought. I knew what he was asking, “I didn’t sleep with Will, and I’m fine. Tested, on the pill. You know.”

Joel closed his eyes as if in relief. “I’ve still never … without … only with you.”

“I want you, Joel,” I replied.

He pressed himself against me. I could feel him through his boxers. I reached down to push them off. I didn’t want anything between us.

And there we were. Joel and Ava.

“I’m not going to last long, Ava.”

“We’ve got all night.”

He put his forehead to mine, reached between our bodies, and pushed slowly into me.

“Oh dear god.” My hips flew up, pushing him deeper, and it was just perfect, he was just perfect. He stilled, his breathing heavy, deliberate. I stroked his arms, tensed beside me. His mouth found my neck, kissing and sucking. When he brought his eyes back to mine, he pulled away and back in right up to the hilt, taking my breath. Suddenly conscious that he was above me and inside me, I felt my orgasm build from nowhere. What started as emotion turned purely physical.

“Joel,” I gasped. “Joel. I’m ...” and I bit into his shoulder as my climax shuddered through me, my entire body clenching under him. I was vaguely aware of his moan before he slumped over me and I flung my arms around his neck.

When the panting had subsided, he said, “I used to be better at this.”

I giggled. “I’ve never come so quickly in my life. I think you did just fine.”

He rolled off me to my side and propped his head in his hand, trailing one hand up and down my body.

“Did you think this was going to happen? When you came back?” I asked.

He took a few moments to answer. “I thought you were single. Adam mentioned it a few months before I came back and I guess I hoped that might leave room for something. But I didn’t know if you’d moved on. I didn’t know if I’d see you.”

“I thought you’d still be angry with me,” I said.

“I’m not sure I was ever angry. I loved you too much to be angry. I missed you too much.” His fingers strayed lower. “I missed this,” he whispered as he dipped between my folds, exploring my wetness. His thumb rubbed over my clitoris. “I was the first to make you come like this, baby.”

“You’re the only man that’s made me come,” I said honestly.

He growled in response, increasing the pressure and pressing his lips to mine. His tongue snaked between my lips and his fingers continued their rhythm.

“You can’t say things like that to me.”

“It’s the truth.”

It built slower this time. Starting somewhere in the tips of my fingers, it was just a warning at first, just a hint of something. But there was no stopping it, no stopping Joel. His fingers knew me, knew my body. And they circled and rubbed and pushed with just the right pressure, just the right speed. I grabbed at Joel’s hand, suddenly aware I’d lost control.

“I’m not going to stop, Ava. Let me be. Let it go.”

And his words tipped me over the edge. I fell and fell and fell. And his fingers kept their rhythm, pulling every last ounce of pleasure out of me.

I was boneless, seeping into the mattress when he finally pulled his hand away. I felt his lips on my forehead. “I thought I locked away in my memory your face, your sounds when you came, but that was better than I remembered,” he whispered against the skin of my neck. I lay unresponsive. Like he had stolen my energy with his magic fingers.

He moved his body against mine, still busy with his lips against my skin.

“We are never leaving this bed,” I said.

“Ok.” He pushed my breasts together and took one nipple between his teeth, releasing his jaw just at the edge of painful.

“I mean, like, ever.” My voice was unsteady.

“Ok.” His tongue was on my stomach, creating a path lower.

“Ok. I’m serious. You can’t go to work tomorrow.”

“Ok.” And then words disappeared as he found my clit, circling it, tasting it, and then sucking and sucking. I pulled at the sheets under me as I screamed, incoherent and desperate.

His tongue pushed down and deeper and his thumb was on my clit, rough and perfect. He pulled back and sat on his knees and I could see myself on his lips, the effect of my fingers in his hair.

He looked like he was mine, finally.

I pulled myself up and face to face with him I leaned in and licked his lips. Licked myself off him.

“You like to taste yourself,” he said, remembering, the words juddering from his mouth, his fingers trailing up my sides.

“I like to taste me mixed with you.” I straddled his hips and rubbed myself along his shaft, feeling him beneath me, hard and pulsing. I felt between us and circled my hand around him, watching him. I looked up and he pulled his eyes reluctantly from my hand around him to my eyes and he kissed me full on the lips. He grabbed my jaw with both hands and pushed into my mouth, exploring me. My hand squeezed and pushed down along the length of him, and then back up as he moaned into my mouth. The feel and sound of him wanting me pushed a spasm of desire through me. I Iifted myself up and positioned him at my entrance.

He pulled back, holding my eyes with his, and placed his hands on my hips. Not pushing, not rushing, but waiting, ready for me. Slowly, I pushed onto him. His eyes widened, just a fraction, giving me slightly more of him, if that was even possible. I could see the passion, the need for me, but it was more than that. There we were, face to face, our bodies connected.

“You are all I need,” he whispered before he flipped me on my back and pulled out before pushing back in with such blinding force I had to scramble for breath. “And I’m all you’ll ever have.” I gave up trying to match his rhythm and let my body be his entirely. “Do you hear me, Ava. There’s no one for you but me.”

I nodded.

“Say it,” he said pushing further, deeper. A sheen of sweat coated our bodies, cocooning us against the world.

“No one but you. There never was.” I wasn’t sure if my words were spoken or remained in my head.

“No one knows your body like I do,” he said, circling his hips and proving himself right as my back arched off the bed. “No one knows this spot.” His fingertips pushed against skin just below my hipbone and deep in my belly a burst of pleasure released. I turned my head, overwhelmed at the moment we were sharing, and devastated we had wasted so long apart.

“Tell me, Ava.”

“No one but you.” I cried out as he pushed his thumb against my clitoris and I clenched around him. My hands were reaching for him, desperate for something, more, and there it was: “Ava …” was all it took. My orgasm barreled down my spine and I heard nothing but booming in my ears, felt nothing but his fingers, his body, his tongue, wanted nothing but him. His rhythm increased and his head fell against my neck and I felt his teeth and then perfect stillness.

Eventually he moved to my side and pulled me into him, twisting his legs through mine. His warmth covered me. “I’d forgotten how it was ... is.”

My hand dragged down his chest.

“This, and being together. I mean, I knew it was good, but it feels ...”

“I know.”

It felt explosive and passionate, but right. It felt very right.

***

“The stuff you were saying tonight to Harvey about thunderbolts. I mean, it’s cheesy,” I slapped him on his chest. “It is cheesy, Ava, but it is what it’s like between us.”

My words were caught in my throat. I nodded against his chest.

“Are you really going to skip work tomorrow?” he asked me.

“Mmhmm. And you can’t go in, either. You can’t leave my bed.”

“Never?”

“Not for a while, yet.”

“Do you have plans for me?”

I nodded. My plans involved me not wearing very much and getting to explore Joel’s very naked body.

“Well, I have a few conditions.”

“You do?” I tilted my head up to look at him and then quickly pulled back into his chest. Maybe he would insist I make a huge announcement on Facebook that we were together or something. Were we together?

“No clothes.” Was this his condition? “If we’re playing hookie tomorrow, then you’re not allowed to wear a stitch of clothing. Agreed?”

“What about you?”

“Always the negotiator.”

I giggled.

“If you’re naked, I don’t want anything coming between us,” he said simply. “We’ll have a naked Monday.”

“I don’t want anything coming between us, either.” I replied. I didn’t know if he had meant to say so much, but I wanted him to know how I felt.

He pulled me closer and we lay there for seconds, minutes, hours. I lost track. I must have fallen asleep at some point, because I woke up on my stomach. I grinned before I opened my eyes, remembering the delicious interruption to my sleep. I heard muffled voices coming from the living room. What was going on? I sat upright, becoming aware of my body and the effects of the night before. I ached from him, for him. My stomach, between my thighs, my neck, my hips. I could feel shadows of him all over me. I grabbed a T-shirt and pulled it over my head and went to investigate.

I stuck my head around the bedroom door and peeked into the living room. There was Joel, his back, his very naked back, to me, facing the sliding doors to my balcony, a mobile phone clamped to his ear.

My grin grew across my face and I opened the door wider. Joel turned around, matching my grin with his.

“If you look under ‘GNO Enterprises’ and then this month, I’m sure it will be there,” he said into the phone, grinning at me. He reached out his hand and beckoned me forward. As I neared him, instead of pulling me into him for a kiss, he reached out to the hem of my T-shirt and pulled it up as far as it would go. He mouthed at me, “Arms.” I lifted them up and he stripped me bare, pulling his arm around my back and into him.

“Yes, exactly. You just need to add the logo and check the formatting, and that’s it. Yes, definitely tomorrow.”

He moved me around so I was leaning against the glass doors, his free arm beside my head.

“I’ll tell you when I see you. No, thank you, and fuck off.” And he hung up.

“Naked. That’s what I said, Ava. We had a deal.” He looked at me seriously. “Nothing between us.”

I nodded.

“If I want to fuck you, I don’t want to waste time having to take your clothes off.”

I felt a rush between my legs.

“Do you understand?”

I nodded at the ground, biting my lip.

“Show me you understand, Ava. I want your mouth on me.”

I felt my nipples tighten at his demand. I wanted him in my mouth. I wanted to please him. I’d do anything. He placed his other hand on the glass, the other side of my head, trapping me. Daring me to try to escape.

I slid down the glass to my knees and my eyes fell on his hard cock. I felt a coolness across my sex and I reached for him greedily, he pulsed in my hand and slowly, tantalizingly, I pushed my tongue from the base to the tip. I could feel him holding back, wanting to force himself inside me. He’d demanded this, but I was the one in control in the moment. I circled the tip of him, once, twice, and then took just the head in my mouth and stilled.

“Ava, Jesus. Don’t stop.” He banged his fist on the glass, frustrated, impatient. I relented and slid my lips down him, slowly, taking him deeper and deeper until he hit the back of my throat and he moaned. I kept him there, swallowing before pulling back, trailing my teeth against him as I knew he liked.

“Jesus. Fucking. Christ,” he yelled, and pushed back into me, again and again, unable to control himself. I loved that I could do that to him and my fingers reached to feel my wetness. “What the fuck.”

He lifted me from under my arms so I was facing him, my hand still between my legs. “What are you doing?” he was staring at my hand, my fingers circling.

“Feeling what you do to me,” I whispered. He closed his eyes and when they opened there was a fire behind them. His hands around my waist lifted me and pushed me against the glass. I wrapped my legs around him. Before the cool of the glass registered, I felt him plunge into me, pulling the air from my lungs. I grabbed at him as if I were drowning, and he kept thrusting into me with such a force I didn’t know if I could handle it for long. It was as if he were fucking away the last eight years.

Chapter Fifteen

Past

I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face the next day. I felt mildly irritated at Jules and Hanna’s concern, which I assured them was misplaced, but I managed to dismiss it fairly easily. Nothing other than my degree and Joel really mattered. Joel and I had agreed to keep our relationship a secret until after finals so I could concentrate on studying. He seemed happy about it.

Jules swirled into the block, her hands waving about above her, deep in conversation with a very handsome boy who was following along behind her. I grinned at her. How did she manage to live so completely unselfconsciously?

“Anyway, I have to spend time with my friend Ava, so you can’t stay,” she said to the boy. He scowled at me and headed off as Jules directed.

I looked at her. “Are we due a girls’ date?”

“If there’s vodka involved, then of course! I’ll grab the Stoli. You get the glasses.” Jules headed to our communal freezer. Jesus, it was only 4 p.m., and I should be studying, but I was in the library when it opened at 7 a.m. and then all afternoon in lectures. I felt studied-out, and the thought of vodka made my decision final. Studying would wait for tomorrow.

“Where’s Hanna?” I asked as she came back with the half-full bottle of vodka. She shrugged. I wandered down the corridor and hammered on the door. “What?” I heard from inside and I pushed the door open into darkness. “Hanna?” I spoke into the darkness. “I hope you woke me up for something good,” she snarled. Hanna never snarled.

“Is vodka good enough?” As I stepped into the room, I could vaguely make out a Hanna-shaped lump under her duvet. I plunked myself down on the bed and managed to sit on her foot.

“Ouch! Maybe.”

“Why are you asleep, anyway?” I asked.

“Don’t judge me,” she moaned. “Adam was shagging someone at all hours last night and that fucking squeaking bed of his kept me awake.”

I giggled. “Bless him, he’ll be trying to shag Jules out of his system.”

“Who’s trying to shag me out of their system?” Jules appeared at the doorway. “What are you doing in bed?” she asked Hanna.

“Fucking hell.” Hanna sat up, obviously giving up on getting any more sleep.

Jules set the glasses and the bottle on the desk and set about pouring the first drinks of the day. “Do we drink too much?” I mused, almost to myself.

“We’re students. It’s part of the curriculum,” Jules responded. “Anyway, back to me. Who is shagging me out of out of their system?”

“Adam,” I said.

“Oh, right. Like that will ever happen. “

“Trust me, he kept me awake last night, hence the pajamas at 4 p.m.,” Hanna said.

“Oh, I believe you. I just don’t think he’ll get me out of his system,” Jules said.

“Because you’re so awesome?” I asked. Jules made me laugh, even when she didn’t try.

“Well, yes, that and I just think he gets attached really quickly and I think I gave him the night of his life. Seriously.”

She was right. Adam did get attached easily. I hoped he wasn’t too bruised by the Jules Experience. Deep down—deep, deep down—Adam was a sweet, sensitive boy.

“Maybe we should take lessons from you,” I quipped.

Jules ignored the sarcasm. “Sure. I give awesome blowjobs. I could show you. Do you have a banana in here, Hanna?”

“Eww. I really don’t want to see you giving head to a banana,” I responded. Hanna slumped back into the mattress, covering her face with her hands.

“Well, I’m sure Adam wouldn’t mind me demonstrating on him with you watching. In fact, I’m sure he mentioned that might be a fantasy of his. Shall I ask him?” She grinned a very wicked grin.

“You are gross. Next you’ll be suggesting we pay per view.”

“You’re a genius, Ava, anyone ever tell you that?”

***

Right there, in that bubble that contained just Joel and me and our faith in each other, I assumed that that was it. We would stay right here, blissfully happy and in love. Somehow I forgot that University was a temporary situation and that we would all be forced into a change of circumstance. I didn’t try not to think about these things, I just hadn’t thought about them.

Sitting in the pub around our usual table that evening, with Joel on one side of the table and me on the other, both of us desperately trying not to touch each other, or look at each other, Jules started talking about her summer plans.

“We’re going to start in Rio, but I’ve heard it doesn’t live up to the hype, so we might not stay there for long.” She was backpacking through South America with a girl from her class. She’d never mentioned it before, at least not to me. And that led to Daniel saying how he was going to New York to intern at an investment bank. And Matt and Hanna were moving to London—both had graduate jobs lined up, which I remember hearing about but not paying much attention to. Joel said nothing and I looked at him, panic strewn across my face and bile rising in my stomach. I pushed myself up from the chair and fled to the bathroom.

We’d never talked about it. Never. We’d never discussed what would happen after all this. Everything for me had been focused on finals. He must have plans, right? Didn’t we all have plans? I would go to law school in London for a year and then start my training contract at the law firm, but that had been settled for almost a year. All lawyers had their lives planned out for the next decade as soon as their degree started. We didn’t need to think about anything. But economists? What did you do after an economics degree? Teach? Win a Nobel Prize or something? I had no clue.

Why hadn’t Joel and I discussed this?

Joel was a planner. He wouldn’t not have thought about it. He must have just decided not to talk to me about it. I guess he didn’t want to burst our bubble until the last possible moment. If his plans were good news for us, then he wouldn’t have kept them to himself. My heart was racing as reality crashed around me.

I was supposed to go to Joel’s tonight, but a huge part of me didn’t want to face the inevitable news when I asked him about life after University.

How had we not spoken about this? Last night we were so connected, so together and now, what? Was this a temporary thing for him? Was I just a University love that at some point in the future, he’d tell his wife about?

I felt sick. I splashed some water on my face, pulled my shoulders back, and made my way out to the bar. Joel was waiting for me when I opened the door, leaning against the wall.

“Hey,” he said.

I managed to pull my lips into a shape that kind of resembled a smile, but even I knew it wasn’t very convincing.

“Are you ok? You looked a bit green there for a minute.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I’m ok. I think. I don’t know.” I realized I was still nodding, so I stopped myself.

“You want to talk about it?”

My nodding started again. “Later.”

Joel looked confused, but we couldn’t have the conversation now and he seemed to understand that. He didn’t push me any further. He reached for my fingers with his, just for a second, not that anyone would know, and then he went into the restroom. I rounded the corner back to our table.

I couldn’t drink any more. I needed a clear head. I needed to think. Around this table, with some of my favorite people in the world, was not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be in Joel’s arms. I wanted him to tell me that he’d found a job in London and that he thought we should move in together and start real life after University. But if he’d found that job in London, he would have said so, wouldn’t he? If he’d wanted to move in together, he would have told me by now, right?

If he wanted our lives together to start in real life, then I would know.

***

Joel looked sad as opened the door later that evening. He knew I was upset. I could fake it with the others, but never with him. He could tell.

He wanted me happy. He thought last night had made me happy, and it had. I couldn’t ask more of him, could I? Hadn’t he done everything I’d wanted? He pulled me toward him, my cheek finding its familiar spot against his chest. I sighed.

“I’m sorry,” I said. I didn’t want him upset.

“What are you sorry for?” he asked.

“Worrying you. Spoiling your evening.”

“An evening with you is never a spoiled evening, Ava. What’s up?”

We made our way to his kitchen in what had become a familiar routine of getting water and turning off lights before we headed to his bedroom. I’d never recognized it as a routine before; I was always too busy concentrating on what was to come. His body, mine, entangled, writhing, wanting in pleasure and release. But this routine and the fact that it was routine was comforting, and something we wouldn’t be doing too much longer. Well, not here, anyway.

Maybe not anywhere. Time was running out.

We both crawled up his bed and lay fully clothed on our sides facing each other.

“I just ...” I started. “We’ve just ... I was thinking ...”

Joel laughed. “Spit it out, baby. I want to get to the naked part of the evening.” I pushed his chest.

“We’ve never talked about what happens after finals. And everyone talking about their plans tonight, it just made me wonder. I’ve never heard about you talk about your plans and I ... just ... you know.”

Joel grinned at me. “I love you. You know that, right?”

I nodded.

“And you love me, right?” he asked.

I nodded again.

“Good,” he said as if something had been resolved.

“So, actually, I had some news this week that I hope is exciting for both of us.”

My eyes widened. I’d been with him all week. How had he had exciting news without me knowing about it? He was grinning at me, clearly excited.

“You know I’ve not applied for any of these graduate programs. I just can’t see myself in some big corporation working my way up the ladder. That’s Matt and Adam, but it’s not me.”

I nodded. He was right. He wouldn’t be happy in a job like that.

“I feel I just need to get out there and try a few things. Work with different people and get inspiration.”

I nodded again. What did that mean for us? What was the good news? Would he just get to the point already?

“I’ve been chatting to my entrepreneurial economics professor about all sorts of stuff, because you know how I love that class, right?” His speech was picking up, he was getting excited.

“The American guy supervising your thesis?”

“Yeah, that’s the guy. And so we were chatting a few weeks ago about new ways of financing start-ups, and he put me in touch with a contact of his in New York who is working in the same area as some of the stuff I’ve been working on.”

“Ok,” I said cautiously.

“He’s got tons of contacts, right, because he used to work in Silicon Valley and he spent years in New York.”

“Yes, I remember you telling me that.”

“So anyway, I was talking to this guy in New York about some of the things I’ve been working on, and he offered to fly me out to meet him to go through some aspects of my research that he thinks might work in his business, which is all about matching investors with entrepreneurs and how investing should be more democratic.”

“That’s what you’re always saying to me—the lack of information thing.”

“Yeah, exactly. He’s doing in practice some of the stuff I’ve been talking about to you.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s so exciting. A trip to New York! That’s great.” I was so proud. The guy must have been really impressed with Joel on the phone.

“Well, of course, I told him I couldn’t go.” I opened my mouth to ask him why, but before the words came out he said, “I can’t, Ava. I mean, it’s great and flattering and everything, but I’ve got finals and I can’t just take a couple of weeks out to swan off to New York.”

“I guess.” I was sad for him. It sounded like such an amazing opportunity. “Are you sure you can’t make it work? Things like that don’t come up that often.”

“So that’s what I’ve been thinking. I thought maybe after exams. I mentioned that to him yesterday and out of nowhere he offered me a job. For twelve months. Working with him and his team in New York.”

“Oh my god.” I jumped up onto my knees. “Just like that?”

He nodded.

“Well, that just proves you are the cleverest, most charming man ever.”

“Well, you have to say that.” He raised an eyebrow at me.

“It’s true, I do.” He grabbed me and we fell back on the bed.

“Can you believe it?” Joel asked looking at me with amazement in his eyes.

“Yes, Joel, I can believe it. You’re amazing and talented, and I think you’re going to take life by the balls.” But what about us? What about me? I was losing him.

“So you’ll come with me?” he asked.

“To New York?”

“Yes, with me. We can go together.”

Tension eased away. So he had thought about us. He had considered us after University life. How could I have doubted him? But New York?

“For the summer?” I needed clarification. What was he asking? What did he want?

“For the year. While I’m there.”

I grew dizzy. I wasn’t sure if it was nerves or excitement. “Wow.” It was all I could manage. I couldn’t think about what that would mean, other than that it would mean that I would be with Joel.

“But law school … my job?” I asked tentatively. I didn’t want to burst his bubble, our bubble. But the reality was that I had at least the next three years of my life planned out in London.

“Could you postpone? I heard some people postpone those jobs.”

“God, Joel. I don’t know. I’ve had three seconds to get used to this. I don’t know.” Things started to whir in my head. Maybe I could postpone. Maybe I could take the New York bar? Holy crap.

He reached for my hand and linked his fingers with mine. “I know it’s all kinda unplanned and stuff, but I want you with me, Ava. I want us to share this next chapter in our lives. I want to live this adventure with you.” He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles.

“I love that you do.” It was true. I was so relieved. “Let me do some research and speak to my firm and stuff. And my parents. God, my parents. You know they are helping me pay for law school. I’m not sure how they’ll feel about New York.”

He squeezed my hand again, like he was transferring his energy and ambition to me.

I grinned. “This is so exciting.”

***

“New York? To do what, exactly?” It was precisely the reaction I expected from my father. I may have secretly wanted something more, but if I was honest with myself, this is what I expected.

I’d come home because I thought I should get some space from Joel while I tried to get things straight in my head, and I needed to talk to my parents about my potential change in plans.

“To experience life.” It even sounded lame to me. “To take some time out. Have a gap year. Live in another country.” Yes, that was better. It was half-true as well. I did want all those things

“On your own? It’s a dangerous city. And why there? What about Australia or New Zealand? Or you could spend the summer in Cornwall.” I could hear concern in my mother’s voice. They didn’t understand that the most valuable thing of all would be there—Joel. Joel and me. We would still be together.

“Australia and New Zealand are no better, as far as I’m concerned. What about law school?” my father snapped.

“It’s just a year, Dad. I can defer my place for a year, I’m sure. Anyway, I’m just thinking about it.”

“And what about your job?”

I’d already secured a job at one of the top law firms in the country. They were paying my tuition for my year at law school and my father had agreed to pay my living expenses. They didn’t have a lot of money. It was incredibly generous of them. I had a suspicion that they must have been spending most of their rainy day savings on me.

My mom was a nurse and my father a middle manager in the hospital she worked in. They had met there and worked most of their careers there. They had both worked hard to get what they had: Their slice of suburbia, kids who went to University, a trip to Spain once a year, and a retirement fund that would see them through. It was what they wanted and worked for all their lives. It was what I’d grown up with, and yet it seemed a bit empty. I felt guilty for feeling that. They were lucky, and they wanted the same for me, but I wanted something more. It wasn’t just Joel. It was just something more.

“Well, I thought I could call them and at least ask if I could postpone my start date by a year.”

“That won’t create a very good impression, will it? They offer you this job that pays a ridiculous amount of money and you say you don’t want to start when they tell you.”

It wasn’t unusual for start dates to get moved forward by six months or a year. I couldn’t be bothered to explain that to my father. He wasn’t in a listening mood anymore. My mother’s eyes were in her lap. She wasn’t sticking up for me.

“Well, I could ask,” I said softly.

“They might end up giving the job to someone a little more grateful.”

I pushed up out of my chair and headed to the kitchen. My parents just wanted the best for me. I understood that. I wanted them to be reassured by me. I didn’t want them to be unhappy.

“And I wouldn’t be going on my own,” I called from the kitchen.

“Oh?” my mother asked.

“Yes, there’s a guy fr—”

“Well, now we’re getting down to it,” my father said. “You’re going to throw in your education and the chance for a good life for some bloke. Some drifter who wants to bum around and not get a proper job.” He was raising his voice, something that didn’t happen very often.

My heart sank. Maybe I should have told them about Joel before now. They would have met him maybe and seen who he was. They would have seen how much he loved me and that he would never ask me to give up anything ... except he was, wasn’t he? He was asking me to give up my plans. Ok, just for a year, but what about after then? What happened after a year? Would it be another year and another year after that?

Maybe my parents were right. Maybe I was being reckless.

“Tell us about this boy, honey.” My mom was more conciliatory than my father.

“Well I’ve been seeing him—”

“Are you pregnant?” my father asked.

Oh my god. I rolled my eyes.

“Geoff, listen and let her tell us.”

“No, Dad, I’m not pregnant. Of course I’m not pregnant. I’ve been seeing Joel, and he’s got this amazing opportunity to work at a start-up in New York. He wants me to go with him.”

“He wants you to give up your plans so he can do what he wants to do?” my mother asked.

“Mom, it’s not like that.”

“Isn’t it?” Wasn’t it?

“No, it’s not. His opportunity can’t be put off for a year like mine.”

“You don’t know yours can. Don’t think I’m going to pay for law school when you’re 45 with three kids, divorced, broke with no career of your own, regretting you ever met this Joe person.”

“His name is Joel, Dad.”

“Does it matter?” It mattered to me. “Is he going to marry you?”

“I’m not planning on taking a 20-year gap year. It would be for 12 months.”

“Until he asked you to stay another year,” my mom said quietly. Like she didn’t quite want to say it. Was she right? Was he asking too much? I’d been thrilled that he’d asked me. Thrilled that he’d thought about us after University, but maybe he’d just been thinking about him.

“Does he have money?”

What was he asking me, whether I was after Joel for the money?

“How are you going to live for the year?”

“I’d get a job in a bar or something. And Joel has a job out there.”

I hadn’t thought through the logistics. I concentrated on the big problems. Like getting my parents on board and thinking about deferring law school and my job.

“So after a law degree, my daughter ends up working in a bar. Just what I wanted for you.” He picked up his car keys and stormed outside, slamming the front door behind him.

I slumped forward in my chair, my head in my hands.

“What did you expect, Ava?” Mom asked. They were not comforting words, but she was right. His reaction was what I expected.

“Maybe I should go.”

“Don’t be silly. Dinner will be ready soon and your father never misses my Saturday night curry. He’ll come back and things will get better, whatever you decide. Don’t leave on an argument.”

Maybe food would put him in a better mood. Maybe it would put me in a better mood.

“Ok, I might go and have a quick nap before dinner.” I really wanted to speak to Joel. I needed his reassurance.

“Ok, no longer than half an hour, though.”

I plodded upstairs to my old bedroom that seemed so unfamiliar to me now. Like I hadn’t slept there for the first 18 years of my life. I wasn’t sure why they’d not turned it into a guest room. It’s not like I was going to live at home again. It was bigger than my not-so-little brother’s room and looked over their small but perfectly formed garden. It would make a nice guest room.

I collapsed on the bed and called Joel.

“How did it go? Have you told them?” He seemed touchy.

“Of course I’ve told them. That’s why I’m here.”

“And?”

“And it went down like a cup of cold puke.”

“A delightful image, thanks.”

“You’re very welcome. It’s no more than you deserve.”

“What have I done?”

“Nothing.” Everything. Why couldn’t he just find a job in London like the rest of our graduating year? Why did he have to go to New York?

I told him in detail about the conversation with my parents. He was very quiet.

“You know it’s your decision and not your parents’, though, don’t you?”

“Joel.”

“I mean it, Ava. You’re going to be 21 this summer.”

“It’s not just about how old I am, Joel. This is hard. They’ve worked hard to put me through University and to create this life that I have. To not respect what they are saying now ... I just ... It’s just hard.”

“I want you to come with me,” he said.

“And I love that you do.”

“Does that mean that you will?”

“It means that I love that you want me to come, and I need time to figure stuff out.”

“You mean you need your parents’ permission, just like you need your friends’ approval about our relationship. Jesus, Ava, why don’t you just decide what you want? You.”

“It’s not that simple!”

I was likely to cry if I didn’t consciously try to keep it together. I didn’t want to be the crying girlfriend. Anger would deflect my tears. “And what happens after a year, Joel? Do we come back to London so I can go to law school? Will you promise me now that New York will only be for a year?”

“You know I can’t promise that.”

At least he wasn’t lying to me. There were no guarantees.

As if he could read my thoughts, he said, “I can promise you that I’ll love you for infinity. I don’t want to fight. If you decide not to come with me, then that’s ok. I just want you to make the decision and not to be persuaded by what your friends and family say.”

“What if I ask you not to go?” My hand was trembling as I said it. I knew I shouldn’t.

“I know you. You won’t ask. You know that I won’t get this opportunity again. I don’t have a path mapped out for my career like you do. I’m going to need to take chances and risks to do what I have to do. To carve out my career for myself. To prove to people like your father that I’m worthy.”

“You don’t need to prove anything to my father.”

“Really?”

I understood what he was saying, and he was right: I would never ask him to stay. I couldn’t handle that kind of pressure, wondering if he would resent me for it.

For me, it was a straight choice between my head and my heart. Between the obligation to my parents and my obligation to myself.

Chapter Sixteen

Present

“Your stomach was growling in your sleep. We need to get you some food.”

I didn’t need anything. I had everything I’d ever wanted right there. He started to pull his hands from my waist and I grabbed them, not wanting him to move.

“Seriously, we’ve not eaten in twenty-four hours and we’ve been doing some serious exercise. Let’s eat.”

“Urgh. Ok, we’ll have to order in, though. My cupboard is bare.”

Joel chuckled behind me.

“That wasn’t a euphemism, you freak.”

“You know me too well.” He kissed my head and moved off the bed.

Joel settled back into bed after ordering pizza, tucking me against him, my back to his front.

“Who did you tell to ‘fuck off’ on the phone?”

“Oh, yeah, Ed my business partner. He was giving me shit for not going in. Told me my dick would shrivel up and fall off.”

“Nice.”

“He is nice actually. You’ll like him.”

Thoughts of the future drifted into my head. I’d kept them out for longer than I expected.

“So, he knows? About me?”

Joel sighed. “Yes, he knows. Is that a problem?”

“No. I … No.”

“We need to talk about this, Ava.” He was in my head again.

“I just want it to be ok this time.”

I heard my phone ring from somewhere. I shuffled to the edge of the bed to see if it had fallen off my nightstand. Then I heard it behind me and turning, saw Joel holding it in his hand.

“It’s Jules,” he said. “Shall I answer?” He was testing me. I shrugged. He tossed the phone at me, and then got up and headed to the bathroom.

“Hi Jules. You ok?”

“Yeah, you didn’t reply to my emails so I was just checking on you.”

The bathroom door was open and Joel was listening. I could tell.

“Sorry, I wasn’t at work today. I had some things to sort out.”

“Like what?”

“Nothing. I’ll tell you when I see you. But I’ve got to go. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

I hung up and followed Joel into the bathroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bath in his boxers. The no-clothes rule broken. I moved toward him but he didn’t look at me. I reached out and stroked his back. All of a sudden, I felt stupid being so naked standing in front of him.

“Let’s talk. Please come back to bed,” I said. The doorbell rang and without a word, Joel stood and headed out. I scrambled around, trying to find something to put on amongst the debris of sheets and pillows and bedcovers that covered my bedroom. I found his shirt, crumpled lying in a heap by the bed, and pulled it on. It smelt of him.

Joel was closing the door as I headed into the living room. He still wouldn’t look at me.

“Joel.”

He slung the pizza box on the counter and braced himself against the surface, exhaling as if he’d just finished a run.

“Fuck,” he said.

“Please talk to me.” I could feel the tears in the bottom of my throat. I didn’t want to be feeling like this. I hadn’t said he couldn’t answer the phone. I didn’t lie to Jules.

“You have a week,” he said.

“I have a week of you? What? I don’t understand.”

“To get your shit together and to decide what you want.”

“Joel, I want you. You know that. But we’ve not talked about what’s beyond these twenty-four hours. Let’s do that. Let’s take the next steps together.”

“It can’t be like last time, Ava. I told you I couldn’t do that again. We can’t just become some kind of dirty secret, avoiding any kind of judgment from any third party. I thought you were stronger.”

“I am. But I don’t know what you want from us, from me.” I would do anything he asked.

I moved toward him and he stepped back. My stomach churned with his distance.

“I want you to want to tell people! Don’t you get it? I want to shout that I love you from the fucking rooftops. I couldn’t give a shit what anyone else thinks. I want us to be together—forever, Ava. I want to marry you and get you pregnant and watch our kids grow up and then grow old together.”

My heart was beating out of my chest. These were the words that I’d been waiting to hear from him.

“I won’t be your dirty little secret.”

“You were never that, Joel. I was different before, I didn’t know. I want all those things, too. I promise. I love you.”

“Show me,” he said. “I give you a week.”

He turned and headed to the bedroom. I followed him, not wanting any more distance between us. I felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart as he pulled his trousers on. He was leaving?

“I need my shirt, Ava.”

“Stay. Please don’t be angry with me. I’ll do whatever you want. The tears had started now. “Stay. Please.”

“I’m not angry. I’m just trying to protect myself. And to give you the time you need.” He slumped back on the bed. “Really. I need to give you some time. Some space to decide in the cold light of day what you want.”

“I don’t need time and space! How can you know what you want but not think I know what I want?”

“Why didn’t you say anything to Jules?” he said.

“We hadn’t talked about what was next. And she’s been trying to get into your underwear since you got here. What was I going to say? I need to see her in person.”

“Jules tries to get into everyone’s pants. She won’t care.”

“She’ll care more than you think. And I’m not just using that as an excuse.” I pushed away the wet from under my eyes. “And this might have just been a one-time thing for all I knew.”

“Fucking hell, Ava. I told you I couldn’t make this a one-time thing.”

“Well, we haven’t made specific plans about what’s next.” It sounded stupid now that he was playing it back to me, but we hadn’t spoken about what was next. This was all new territory and I was doing the best I could. “That sounds weak and insecure and I get that, but it’s all part of me and you have to love all of me if you’re going to love me.”

He stood up and pulled me against his chest, his arms stroking my back. “I do love all of you. The insecure parts of you are some of my favorite parts. That’s why I need to give you time and space. It’s the right thing to do. Let’s just take this week and see where we end up.” I felt like we were ending again, and it hurt deep inside me. My knees buckled.

“You need to eat,” he said steadying me. I clung tighter to him, not wanting him to think there was an option to not stay.

He peeled my arms from around him. “Come on, Ava. It’s a week.”

“I don’t need a week!” I was beginning to get angry now. He smiled at me. And I punched him in the arm. “What if you change your mind?” I asked.

“After eight years, what’s going to happen this week that will change how I feel?” I had no answer to that. I didn’t want to tell him any of the hundred things I had I my head. “Now, change out of my shirt. As sexy as you look in it, I don’t want to have to leave your flat half-naked, but I will if you don’t give me my shirt back.”

I swapped his shirt for the T-shirt I wore last night and followed him out of the bedroom. He stopped before he opened the front door. “We’ll have to live at my place. Your bed squeaks and I can order better takeaway.” He grinned at me and I loved him ten times more in that moment. I smiled back and he grabbed my neck and kissed the top of my head.

“I’ll see you on Saturday,” he said. I’d forgotten that we were all due at Matt and Hanna’s.

“Can that be our week?”

“If you’ve had enough time. I was counting on it.”

And then he was gone.

***

The door shut and I stood for a moment, mentally running through what I could do in this week to show him I had it together. I knew what I wanted. I didn’t care what anyone else thought.

I raced back into the bedroom and I texted him.

I miss you. I can’t wait to see you on Saturday.

Then I texted Jules.

I need to see you. Are you free tomorrow?

I switched the phone between my hands, willing it to buzz.

It was late but I wasn’t tired. I should be. We’d not slept much and I had work tomorrow, but the adrenaline racing around my body wasn’t letting up. I needed a plan.

Past

As the train pulled into the station from the weekend with my parents, my heart was racing. I had to get to Joel as soon as possible. We were on a finite timetable. We didn’t have much of this life here in our bubble, whether or not I went to New York, and I wanted to squeeze every last drop out of it before that bubble burst.

I’d planned to go straight back to campus, but I had the cab drop me off at Joel’s. I rang the doorbell and shifted my weight from foot to foot.

He opened the door wearing a huge grin and a towel around his waist. Holy moly, it was my favorite look on him.

“How did you know it was me?” I asked.

“How did you know I knew it was you?” he countered.

“Do you greet everyone naked with a grin?”

“Don’t sweat it. I could see your shortness through the frosted glass. I don’t know many people as short as you.”

“Hey.” I pushed out my bottom lip like a toddler.

“You know I love you short. It means I can physically overpower you at any opportunity.” He grinned and raised his eyebrows and I play-slapped him on his arm. To prove his point he kissed me briefly on the lips, grabbed me, lifted me up over his shoulder, and marched into the bedroom. He threw me on the bed and pinned my arms against the mattress over my head.

He went straight for my neck and started kissing every inch of it.

“Did you miss me?” I asked.

He hummed against my skin, making my whole body vibrate. Oh god, I could never not have him doing this to my body, could I?

“So?” He released my arms and tipped up his head as if he’d just come back to consciousness, remembering where he was and what I was here to talk about.

“So?” I mimicked.

“So, I wasn’t expecting to see you until later.”

“I couldn’t wait.”

He grinned and his lips went back to my neck pushing his hands under my top, across my stomach. “Did you decide?”

“Are you trying to convince me?”

“If I were trying to convince you, using my body, I would be doing this.” His fingers strayed lower, under the waistband of my jeans, and he pushed aside my underwear with his fingers, reaching for my clit. My hands moved to unbutton my trousers, giving him easier access. I wasn’t going to object if he was going to try and fuzzy my mind with his body.

“Just that?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady.

He brought his eyes from where his fingers were circling that bundle of nerves, to mine and grinned. “You take so much convincing.”

I nodded. “You’re going to have to work really hard.”

“I’m hardworking,” he said, pressing himself against my thigh.

“But you suck at double entendre.”

He smiled with me for a second and then, with both hands, he stripped off my top.

“I thought you like the way I sucked,” he said, his head dipped and clamped his mouth around my lace covered nipple.

“Oh, Joel.”

***

“Did I convince you?” He kissed me on the top of my head as I lay on his chest, his arms around me.

“Funny.”

“I wasn’t trying to be. Did you decide?”

I turned my face into his chest and pressed my lips against his skin. “No. I’m going to speak to law school and my firm and see what’s possible. And then ... and then I’m not going to think about it until after our exams.”

Joel exhaled. I wasn’t sure if it was relief or frustration. I kissed his chest again, hoping it was relief. He ran his hands across my back. “Sounds like a good plan. It will give you more time to think. I don’t want to put pressure on you, but I want you with me.”

“No pressure, then.”

“No pressure. But don’t underestimate how I feel.”

“I won’t. I want to be with you, too. But let’s just sit with it for a while, get these exams out of the way, and then discuss it again. Agreed?”

“Agreed. Shall I cook us dinner? You can be my little sous chef again.”

“Let’s do it.”

We pulled ourselves out of bed and I grabbed his shirt and padded into the kitchen after him. He turned around and looked at me, shaking his head. “Oh, no you don’t.” He put his hands on my shoulders and twisted me away from him and walked me out of the kitchen. “There’s no way you are going to dress in nothing but my shirt and be anything but a distraction in my kitchen. Change and stop being so fucking sexy—for just an hour—while I make us some dinner.”

I grinned at him over my shoulder and went and found some of my own clothes to put on. When I came back into the kitchen he leaned across the counter and kissed me. “Still too sexy, but you’ll do. Peel these.” He handed me some carrots.

“So, what’s going on with Jules?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I replied, mouth half-full of raw carrot.

“With Adam. Is she into him?” Joel wasn’t a gossip. Most of the time he couldn’t give a shit what was going on around him, so I was intrigued by his question.

“Why do you ask, Mr. Wentworth?” I squinted at him, exaggerating my suspicions.

“Dunno. Just wondered if they were likely to become a thing.” He was concentrating hard on whatever it was he was doing with the chilies in front of him.

“Do you care?” I asked.

“Not really, but Adam asked me to ask you, so I’m trying to ask you subtly whether or not Jules likes Adam.”

I let out a throaty laugh. “You boys are hilarious. So how is that subtle thing working for you?”

“Not so good. I have Columbo for a girlfriend, apparently. She doesn’t let me get away with anything.”

I threw a carrot at him. “Columbo? I couldn’t be one of Charlie’s Angels?”

“Charlie was creepy. Why would you want to be his angel?”

“Better Cameron Diaz than some middle-aged man in a flasher’s mac.” I grinned at him, “So Adam really likes her, then?”

“I guess,” he said, trying to be nonchalant.

“She said she gave him the night of his life.”

Joel guffawed. “There’s no false modesty for Jules, is there?”

“I don’t think she’s fallen madly in love, if that’s what Adam wants to know.”

“I always thought you and he might have had a bit of a thing going on.”

“Me and Adam? You did not.” I scrunched my eyebrows, still concentrating on my carrots.

He nodded. “Yeah, I did. You seemed to get on well together, and you all are such a tight group, I thought it was bound to have happened or happen at one point.”

“Well, it hasn’t. Ever. And it wouldn’t have, ever.”

“I know,” he said simply.

“You sound very sure.”

“I am.”

I giggled and so did he.

“Because?”

“I asked him. After that first day at the library.”

“You asked Adam whether or not he and I had ever been involved?”

He nodded.

“After we studied together that first day at the library?”

He nodded again. This was news to me.

“Why did you ask him?”

He looked at me and raised his eyebrows. “Are you fishing for compliments, Miss Elliott?”

“No. Well, kinda.”

“You shouldn’t have to fish. I should be giving them so often that you never have to. They’re there in my head all the time.” God I loved it when he said stuff like that to me. It made my stomach churn.

“I liked you,” he continued. “I’d liked you for a while, but like I said, your little group is such a tight knit group of friends, there was never a time when I saw you without the others. And then when you came and sat with me, it seemed a perfect opportunity for us to, you know, be friends.”

I could feel the blush across my cheeks and down my throat. I looked down, chopping already chopped carrots.

“Are you embarrassed?” he asked. I shrugged. “Is it a shock to you that I like you?” He laughed. “The permanent hard on I have doesn’t give me away?”

I couldn’t look at him.

“You are just too cute sometimes.”

“So, you don’t feel like you’re part of our group?” I asked.

He pursed his lips and thought about it for a second. “More so now. But I don’t know how much of that’s because of you.”

I’d finished the carrots and I went to the fridge to take out some wine. This place felt more and more like my home. Our home. I hitched myself up onto the stool and watched Joel work, his muscles flexing in his arms. He really loved to cook; the whole creative side of it really lit him up.

“And what did Adam say, when you asked him?”

He shrugged. “He made some kind of Adam-type comment, but I knew he hadn’t gotten in your pants.”

“He said something about me dying an old maid, didn’t he?”

“Something like that.”

I mulled this information around my head. I liked the fact that he wanted to find out if I had been hooking up with Adam. I liked that he’d liked me before the library. I couldn’t quite believe it; he was so cool and handsome and popular. Even now that I knew him, he was still all those things to me.

“Unsurprisingly, I don’t think Jules is interested. I don’t know how you’ll break it to him.”

“Hmm, it’s a shame. I think he really likes her.”

“He obviously likes being dominated,” I said.

Joel raised his eyebrows. “You might be on to something there. God, I could get some real mileage out of that theory.” We chuckled together. “I’ll just tell him that you were telling me about some other guy she has her sights on. And anyway, he’s got exams to worry about.”

“Haven’t we all.”

“There’s only a few weeks left, and then we’ve got the rest of our lives to worry about.”

He grinned at me but didn’t push things any further. I didn’t tell him that I liked the thought of having the rest of my life with him.

***

I couldn’t decide if I was being weak. I desperately wanted to go to New York with Joel. Was it wrong for my dreams to be so intermingled with him and his dreams? My dad was right: There was a risk that 12 months would become five years. When would be a good time to start my career? And my parents had been so supportive of me. They’d made it very clear that if I chose to follow a boy to New York, they would be very disappointed. But, maybe I was being weak because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents? I couldn’t have it both ways. Either I went to New York, or I pleased my parents. I couldn’t do both. Either way, I was weak. Either way, I was disappointing someone.

My finals had finished the day before, and Joel’s last exam was tomorrow. He was going to want a decision from me. Hell, I wanted a decision from me. Both law school and my law firm had said they would be happy for me to defer for a year. I hadn’t told Joel.

I hated keeping things from him, but if I told him, he’d think the deal was sealed and I would be following him to New York City. And it wasn’t that simple.

My parents had not changed their minds, at all. My dad had made it very clear: If I didn’t go to law school this year, he wasn’t writing any checks in a year’s time. It wasn’t just the money that was the problem. In fact, if it had just been about the money, I would go to New York in a heartbeat. I just couldn’t face the disappointment from my parents.

The ritual when any of our circle finished their exams was that the others who had finished would meet them outside the exam hall and then we all would spend the rest of the day drinking and celebrating. So today, I had quite the hangover. Joel was the last to finish. Despite the fact that Joel didn’t feel quite at the center of our group, everyone sat in the cafeteria that lunchtime, discussing the blow out for the following day after Joel’s last exam.

“We could get on a plane and fly to Vegas,” Adam said as if he’d just come up with the perfect plan. Everyone ignored him and continued to jabber away. “Hey! What about it guys? Vegas?”

“We’re not going to Vegas, Adam,” I said. Adam was a smart guy, but some of the ideas he had did a really good job of disguising any intelligence he had.

“Why do you get to decide?”

“Fine. You go to Vegas. Have an awesome time. No one is coming with you.” My head was hurting and my tolerance for Adam’s crazy had all but disappeared.

“They might. Joel might.”

“Joel will not,” I replied, quite certain that the last thing that was going to happen tomorrow was that Joel was going to board a plane for Vegas with Adam.

“What won’t I be doing?” I flicked my head around and saw Joel with a lunch tray in his hand. He looked exhausted. He put his tray down in the spot next to me and climbed over the bench to sit down. When we were in public, I avoided sitting next to him, afraid that I would give our relationship away with a look, a touch. But today I was pleased when he sat down. I wanted to soothe him, tell him it would be better.

“How did it go?” I asked. I knew Joel had an exam this morning. He wasn’t confident about it and I’d been thinking about him all morning.

“Who knows? I had things to write, so that’s a start.”

I slid my hand across to his thigh and squeezed. He looked at me and smiled a tired but grateful smile.

“Anyway, what am I not doing?” he asked again.

“Going to Vegas tomorrow,” I said.

“How awesome would that be? We should definitely do it. Even if it’s just the two of us. We would have such a wild time. Imagine the booze, the women. And you need to get laid. How long’s it been?” Adam was over excited.

I could feel the warm spread across my cheeks as I concentrated on moving food around my plate.

“Oh, it’s been more recently that you might imagine,” Joel replied.

“I might have known that you had some girl. But I like your style, you keep it discreet. Nice.”

I wanted to punch Adam.

Jules interrupted at that point, clearly having heard our conversation from her end of the table where she was talking to Daniel and Hanna. “Adam, shut up. None of us are going to Vegas.”

“Sorry, but really, we’re not going to Vegas. Maybe another time,” Joel said, taking the edge off of Jules’ put down.

Adam looked disappointed but quickly bounced back. “So, we’re all going to come down and meet you tomorrow. 5 p.m., right?”

Joel nodded as he chewed. I pursed my lips. I was sure Joel had told me that he was due to finish at 4:30, not 5 p.m.

Joel finished his lunch quickly, almost inhaling his food. “Guys, I’m heading back to the library. See you later.” Joel stood and stepped over the bench.

“Good luck,” everyone choired. “See you tomorrow.”

I was worried. He looked pale and thinner than normal. At least tomorrow was his last day.

And then what?

Chapter Seventeen

Past

Joel and I spoke briefly the previous evening and told me that he’d told everyone that his exam finished at 5 p.m., but it actually finished at 4:30. So we could have half an hour together, just the two of us.

I waited for him on the grass outside the exam hall, with the other students waiting for friends, my chin resting on my knees. I kept my eyes firmly on the door. I wanted to see him before he saw me.

I’d told the others that I had to take a book back to the library and I would meet them here. I felt like I was stealing something. Maybe it was just time for Joel and me.

My heart tripped as if I’d not seen him for months when I saw him coming out. This was it. This was the end of something. The beginning of something. I saw him first, saw him scanning the grass, looking for me, and I uncurled my legs and stood and paused, just for a second. He found my eyes quickly and grinned, that grin that could make me do anything, almost. I raced toward him and flung myself at him, wrapping my legs around his waist, pulling him closer. I didn’t want anything between us. I didn’t care if anyone saw. Not today. Not now.

Joel didn’t let go. I expected him to first, but he didn’t so we just stood there in our Joel and Ava bubble.

“Ava?” Joel asked eventually.

“Yes?” I mumbled into his neck.

“Shall we go get a drink?” He still didn’t let go and neither did I.

“Ok, do I have to let go?”

“Nope.” And he started walking in the direction of the pub. I started giggling and slid down his body, letting go first.

“So, how was it?” I asked.

“Ok. The two things I really wanted to come up did, so that was good. And it was the last one, so it’s done.”

I nodded. I nearly walked out of my last exam. I was so over it that I didn’t care at that point if I failed. I knew what he was feeling.

Once we had our drinks and found a table big enough for all of us, I heard Adam’s voice behind me.

“That didn’t last long,” he said. “I just want to spend the evening with you.”

“Give me your keys,” I said quickly. Joel looked at me but didn’t ask me to clarify as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys.

“When I leave, give it 30 or 40 minutes, and leave them all to it and I’ll see you back at yours.”

His answer was a simple panty-melting grin just as Adam reached our table.

“Here he is. Geek of the week,” Adam interrupted, slapping Joel on the back. “What are you drinking?”

Everyone got very drunk very quickly. Except me. Except Joel. They were so lost in their own alcoholic haze that they didn’t notice we weren’t in it with them. We were in the Joel and Ava bubble.

An hour or so later, I slipped away, avoiding any big goodbyes. I went to Joel’s via the supermarket and arrived with two bags full of food, wine, and candles. I had texted him to say that he should give me an hour. I let myself in the front door. It felt odd being there without him, but I was excited. Excited to have the whole evening with him, without the pressure of studying hanging over either of us, before we started thinking about what was next. We were in a delicious limbo that would only last minutes, hours. Did we have longer than that?

I unpacked the shopping and quickly put the wine in the fridge and the chicken into the oven. Looking at the clock, Joel would be here in about ten minutes and something told me he wouldn’t be late. Leaving potatoes steaming, I went into Joel’s bedroom. I was immediately hit by how it smelled of him. It was like a gigantic memory enveloping me. I smiled to myself and went to the wardrobe, pulling out his favorite shirt. I quickly changed and back in the kitchen I dug around in the shopping bags to find the candles. I dotted them about and dimmed the lights.

Joel, being perfect, arrived just at the right moment.

“Ava,” he called from the hallway.

“In here.”

“I hope you’re naked.”

“I’m not naked, I’m cooking. I thought you’d prefer food to sex.”

“Then you were wrong.” I turned and he stood leaning against the door frame, arms folded, watching me. “You’re wearing my favorite shirt,” he said.

“Do you mind?” I asked, knowing his answer from the darkness in his eyes.

“I do.”

Oh.

“Take it off.”

Ohh.

“Joel,” I said softly.

“Take it off, Ava.”

***

I lay in the crook of Joel’s shoulder, my head and hand on his chest. This is what we did. We had our best talks like this. Our best silences. Our best fun. It was my favorite place in the world.

His hand stroked absentmindedly up and down my back. I felt his chest rise as he took a deep breath.

“You’re not coming. To New York. Are you?”

He was in my head again.

I didn’t speak, couldn’t form the right shapes with my mouth.

He pulled me closer. “It’s ok. It’s ok if that’s what you decided. I just hope it was you.”

Tears sat still confined to my eyes and I willed them not to fall.

“I love you,” I said. “For infinity.”

“I know,” he said. “I love you. For infinity.”

***

And he left. Two weeks later, just after graduation, Joel was on a plane to New York City and we weren’t together anymore. It was that simple and that complicated. I’d lost him. I’d given him up.

He insisted that long-distance wasn’t going to work. He’d asked me to make a choice and I didn’t choose him. He was angry with me, but more than that, he was disappointed in me. I could feel the resignation in his body, his eyes, his words. He’d lost the fight that I didn’t think he thought he would ever win. He’d asked me to have faith in him, in us, and I’d refused. I’d decided to let him go rather than disappoint and oppose my parents. That was a betrayal for Joel. I got that. I knew that’s how he’d see it. Part of me saw it that way, too. I had no right to ask anything of him anymore.

I’d wrecked him.

I’d wrecked me.

I’d wrecked us.

Present

Every single part of me shook. I couldn’t tell if it was excitement or fear. Both, maybe. I downed the shot of vodka, and as the liquid warmed me, it calmed the shaking. I knew that he wouldn’t care how I looked or what I wore, but I wanted to look good. Jules and I spent the afternoon at her gay gym and so I had access to the magic hair transformers. We spent more time in the changing rooms than we did working out, but it was totally worth it. There was something about having amazing hair that, when mixed with vodka, was like a shot of confidence straight to your heart.

Jules left me to get ready on my own and promised to pick me up in a cab, despite her being closer to Matt and Hanna’s than I was. It was caring and thoughtful. Jules hid how utterly selfless and openhearted she could be. It was a good reminder.

She had been surprised when I’d told her about Joel. Well, that was an understatement. She’d been stunned. And hurt that I’d not told her until now. And embarrassed that she’d so relentlessly pursued him in front of me. But she’d not been shocked in the way I expected her to be. She’d not told me that I was going to get hurt, or that men like him didn’t end up with women like me, or that I should set my sights a little lower. There wasn’t even a hint of disapproval or concern. After we had shared our apologies with each other, cried a little and hugged a lot, she was excited for me. She was cheering for me. And I loved her for it.

I’d not told Hanna. I went back and forth on it and still didn’t know if it was the right thing to tell her first or not. I didn’t want to put her in a position where she was hiding things from Matt. And telling Matt was ... that led to telling Adam, telling Daniel ... being open. And I wanted to do all that, but it seemed like they all should find out together.

I slipped on the silk jumpsuit that I’d bought especially for tonight. It looked like a simple long-sleeved all-in-one from the front, but it was backless. I was naked from my neck to below my waist. I felt it kind of suited the occasion. A little bit conservative, but a little bit shocking.

I felt that familiar buzz across my skin as the taxi pulled up outside Matt and Hanna’s.

“You look amazing. Go get your man.” Jules pulled me toward her in a hug and we headed into the house.

“Wow. Girls, you look hot. Like, man-hunting hot,” Hanna said. She was in jeans. Nice jeans, but maybe we’d overdressed. No, I was here for Joel. Nothing was too much.

I saw him from the corner of my eye, but he wasn’t looking at me. If I was a betting man, I would say he was deliberately avoiding looking at me. Deliberately being enthralled with whatever Leah and Daniel were saying. I took a deep breath and went over to the three of them.

“Hey, guys,” I said breezily.

Leah and I exchanged kisses and as I leaned forward, revealing my back to Joel, I was sure I heard him take a sharp intake of breath. I swallowed a grin. Daniel pulled me into a hug, feeling my back “Wow, Ava, you look amazing,” he said. Leah swatted him.

“Don’t sound so shocked. Ava always looks amazing.”

I smiled and turned to Joel, leaving Leah and Daniel to bicker. “Hey. You look handsome tonight, Joel.” I rested my hand on his chest and tilted my head up to kiss him on the cheek. “I’ve missed you. I’m looking forward to having you back.”

“But nothing’s changed, Ava.” I could tell by the dullness in his eyes that he was disappointed that everyone gathered tonight didn’t know about us.

“I know I’ve asked you to be patient before, but I just need you to give me tonight. Please. Say you will.”

He nodded. Once. I reached up to his ear. “I love you.” And then I turned away to help Hanna.

***

Everyone was seated and they clinked glasses and swapped cheers. This was it. Now was my time. I was trembling, just a little, but I’d never been so certain about anything, ever.

“So, I have something I’d like to say.” I pushed my chair behind me and stood up. My mouth was dry and I took another sip of my champagne.

“How dramatic!” giggled Hanna. Holy cow. She was going to be upset that I’d not told her before now.

Joel looked at me as if I’d just run him over. Then he looked at Jules, who was beaming at me, and then back at me. I saw him realize that Jules knew. I saw it in his eyes: hope. I grinned at him. This was it.

“You look so serious, Ava. Did someone die?” I thought that was Daniel, but I wasn’t sure. I’d stopped paying attention. The table started chattering amongst themselves, not taking much notice of me.

“Guys, seriously, I need to say something to you.” They settled down and all eyes were on me now. “So, as you know, I don’t date.”

“Yes, because you’re a lesbian. It’s fine, Ava, we’ve known forever. This isn’t news. Sit down and have another glass of wine.” Adam was never as funny as he thought he was.

“Will you shut up for once?” I was going to start throwing things in a minute. “I am not a lesbian, I am not a work-obsessed crazy person, and I’m not simply frigid. I’m just ... I’ve just been in love with the same man for the last decade. And because I know I’ll love him for the rest of my life, there has been no point in looking elsewhere.”

I had everyone’s attention now. Joel shifted in his chair.

“There will never be anyone else for me. I know that’s true. He’s it. The one. The love of my life. The thing some of you will never be lucky enough to find. He always has been and always will be my thunderbolt.” I could feel my throat tighten and tears begin to pool in my eyes.

“I love him as much now as I did on our first date, when he cooked me chicken and refused to have sex with me because he wanted me to be ready for him. I love him as much now as I did a week ago when he walked away from me and told me to get my head together.”

“What I’ve failed to realize, until now, is that I’ve always been ready for him. I just haven’t understood that until now. I hadn’t realized that nothing else mattered to me. I would give everything and anything up for him. I don’t need my job, I don’t need the approval of my friends, of my parents. I don’t need anyone else to tell me it’s ok. I just need him.”

Tears had started to trickle down my left cheek as I thought about what I was going to say next.

“And I’m afraid I might have lost him again. I’ve pushed him away, trying to make everything perfect, trying to keep everyone happy, trying to keep everything in control. I’ve caused nothing but hurt by being so scared. I’ve hurt you, my closest friends, by keeping something so important to me so secret. I’ve hurt myself by denying myself the love of my life. And worst of all, I’ve hurt you, Joel. I’m so sorry. I didn’t understand that if I didn’t have enough faith in myself it didn’t matter. You had enough for both of us.”

I grabbed a napkin from the table and tried to stem the tide of mascara that was escaping down both cheeks now. I couldn’t look at him any longer. I just stared down at the table, unable to look at anyone.

“I know I’ve been scared and selfish and weak, and it’s one of a hundred reasons why I don’t deserve you. But if there’s even a glimmer of hope that I might persuade you that you’re my thunderbolt, then I have to try. Because I need you. More than anything, I want you. I love you. For infinity.”

As I stopped speaking everyone turned to Joel. I followed their eyes. His head was bowed and he shook his head. Was I too late? Without looking up he pushed his chair out and stood, still looking at the floor. The room was completely silent, apart from the sound of my breath coming heavy and desperate. I felt like someone’s hand was on my heart, squeezing. He moved around the table toward me. What was he thinking? I turned to face him and when he reached me he stopped and looked at me.

“So, you did it,” he said.

My heart was hammering out of my chest. “I did. I meant it, Joel. I’m sorry.” My voice broke on his name and he pulled me toward him and his arms snaked around my waist.

“It only took you the best part of a decade.” My forehead pressed to his chest. Would this be enough for him?

“Look at me,” he whispered and I brought my eyes up to his. “So, this is it. We’re us now. Forever. Get it?”

I nodded, desperate to see in his head.

“So ...?” Before I could clarify, he took my face in his hands and brought his lips to mine and I felt my body relax.

I was vaguely aware of murmuring at the tables. Joel pulled back and let his hands drop to my waist. His eyes smiled at me and I knew he heard them, too. He turned his head away from me toward the table.

“Guys, look. I’m really sorry if you are pissed at us, or you have questions and you want to hear the whole story, but it’s all going to have to wait. I need some time alone with the love of my life. We have some catching up to do.” And he took my by the hand and led me to the door.

“You’re going to have to clear the cobwebs from her vagina.” Adam was truly gross, but I was relieved he didn’t sound upset. He sounded like Adam. An idiot. I giggled to myself.

Joel paused and I bumped into the back of him. “Shut the fuck up, Adam. You think she’s gorgeous.” Joel responded and a warmth spread across me. He was defending me and my vagina. I tugged on his arm and he looked at me and then led me toward the door.

“Hanna, so sorry about dinner. Speak later,” I called behind me. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Joel. I didn’t know what their faces looked like. I wasn’t sure I cared. We raced out of the front door and into a cab.

“Sit there,” Joel pointed to the corner of the taxi. I looked at him quizzically. “Seriously. Stay over there,” he said. “Don’t touch me or I’ll have you now in the back of this cab. Your back. What you’re wearing. I mean it, stay there.” He shifted in his seat, trying to rearrange his trousers. Joel rarely looked uncomfortable, but right then I felt my power over him. My power to ruffle him. I grinned.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he said.

“Like what?”

“You know what,” he replied, his eyes dark and wide.

The tension in the car was thick, viscous. Like a spell that would be broken if anyone moved or spoke. He kept his eyes on mine like I’d disappear if he looked away for a second. I could feel the energy it took him to hold himself back. To stop himself from touching me. My skin vibrated at the thought, and I felt a heat between my thighs. My breathing became shallow and I tipped my head back and gasped.

“Fuck, Ava.” And he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap. Pulled my lips to his. Pushed his tongue into my mouth, desperate, hungry. His hands slid across my back, and then lower, as low as they could go. “How do I get into this thing? Or get you out?” His hands pushed under the material at the side and grazed my bare breasts and then kneaded them together. “Fuck,” he said again. I could feel him harden beneath me, twitching. My head was light and bright and full of him and his hands and his tongue.

The cab came to an abrupt halt and Joel pulled away to check where we were. He scrambled about, reaching into his pockets, trying to find a wallet, and then he flung some money at the driver and pulled me out of the car. He strode into his building, his arm yanking mine as I clattered behind him in too-high heels.

We headed straight to the elevator. As I stepped in, Joel pushed me against the wall, grinding himself against me, his desperate mouth against mine.

“Joel, the button. Press the button.”

I needed to be in his flat. I needed him to be in me. Without breaking our kiss, his hand reached out and grappled at the buttons. And we were moving and his tongue was on my neck and his teeth were grazing my jaw. When the elevator stopped, he pulled away and dug out his keys and threw the door open. Before we stepped inside, he was unbuttoning his shirt.

“Take it off, Ava. Now,” he said.

I froze watching him. I’d never seen him like this. Crazed with lust.

Taking off his shirt, he walked toward me, my back to the bedrooms, forcing me to walk backward. “Take. It. Off.”

I fumbled for the zipper at the side, trying to make my fingers work as he continued to stalk me and I stumbled backward, half-looking behind me, trying to make sure I didn’t bump into anything.

“Off,” he said again. He kicked his trousers off and guided my back to the right wall. I expected him to kiss me again, but he just stayed there for a second, his nose almost touching mine, and then he reached behind me and opened the door and walked me inside until my legs reached the edge of a bed. I shrugged my top from my arms and the whole thing fell to my feet, leaving me entirely naked.

“That’s better. I can see you now.” He pushed me back, crawled up me, and with warning or ceremony, he put his hand under my bottom and pushed into me. I cried out with the shock, the ecstasy of it. I’d never felt so full of him, of love, of life.

“You are so wet, Ava.”

I felt choked. I couldn’t speak as he moved above me, soothed me with his dirty words, made me his. There was no hiding.

“So beautiful and ready for me.” I pulled my legs behind him urging him deeper. “Finally, so ready for me.”

Epilogue

Joel’s arms wrapped around my waist as he came up behind me and buried his head in my neck.

“Stop, you’re distracting me!” I said. I tried to continue chopping the onion in front of me, but all I really wanted to do was spin around in Joel’s arms and lose myself in him.

“You’re the distracting one. I remember warning you before about cooking while wearing my shirt.”

I giggled in response and relaxed back into him. If I was being honest with myself, I’d worn his shirt to chop onions on purpose. I loved it when he couldn’t keep his hands off me, which was most of the time. I felt the same. We had a lot of time to make up for.

“We only have three hours until everyone is here,” I said, trying and failing to be stern.

“So we can go out to eat, or call caterers or something. Then we can spend the next three hours in bed.”

“I see you’ve been working on your advocacy skills, Mr. Wentworth.” I dropped the knife and turned to face him, pulling my arms around his neck, watching him watch me.

“Are you nervous?” he asked.

I shook my head. “No. Not at all. Should I be?”

“No, just checking.”

“Are you?” I asked.

“Of course not.”

It had been a week since I finally found the courage to stand up and tell Joel that I loved him in front of all our friends. Tonight, everyone was coming around to dinner at Joel’s. I’d spent the week here. After all, my bed did squeak and his place was at least nineteen times bigger than mine. We’d picked up a load of my clothes from my flat this morning. There was no question that we weren’t going to be spending every available moment with each other from now on.

I’d spoken to Hanna to apologize for not giving her the heads up before my confession. She’d been characteristically forgiving and understanding, and most of all, completely excited and happy for me. For us.

Joel had spoken to Adam, who intimated that he had known all along. Whatever.

I pulled Joel’s head down to mine and pressed my lips to his.

Pulling back I said, “I’m going to go and change, and then we’re going to finish cooking and have our friends for a home cooked meal in your flat.”

“Our home,” he said.

I grinned at him. “Our home.”

Joel nodded. “Ok.”

“Ok.”

“Ok, you loser.”

***

“I smell something burning,” I told Joel at the exact minute that the intercom sounded.

“Fuck!” Joel replied.

“You see to the door, I’ll rescue the food.”

I heard voices in the corridor as I scraped off the burned skin of the roasted peppers. No real harm done.

“Hey, Ava.”

I spun around at the sound of Hanna’s greeting, wiping my hands on a cloth as I moved toward her.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as we hugged.

“Don’t be sorry. Not on my account. I’m so happy to be here,” she replied, handing me a bottle of champagne. “And it gives us all reason to celebrate.”

Over Hanna’s shoulder I saw Matt trail in with Adam, who seemed to scan the room, followed by Daniel and Leah.

“Where’s Jules?” Adam asked as he kissed me on the cheek.

“Not sure. She’s not late, though, it’s only just seven. Cut her some slack,” I replied. Adam nodded.

Daniel grabbed me and twirled me around as Leah beamed on. “Joel’s a very lucky man,” he said.

“And I’m a very lucky girl.”

I was aware of Joel across the room, playing the perfect host, pouring out drinks, and hanging coats. It felt good to have my friends around me in a way it hadn’t since Joel arrived. It felt as if we were getting back to normal. A new normal.

“So what are you going to poison us with, Ava? I’ve never known you to even boil an egg,” Adam asked.

“You’ll find out when I serve it up.”

The buzzer sounded again and Joel indicated he would get it.

The six of us stood in the kitchen as Jules burst in, in front of Joel, her arms in the air waving another bottle of champagne.

“So we finally get to celebrate Ava getting some!”

Everyone laughed and I just rolled my eyes as I felt Joel’s hand discreetly find my back as if to reassure me.

“Can I get you a drink to take the edge off?” he asked.

“There’s no edge. But I’d love a drink.”

“You ok?”

“I’m great. Really great.” And I put my arm around his waist and pulled him toward me. I saw him biting back a grin. I wasn’t sure if it was in response to my PDA or my being more relaxed than he’d expected. Either way, I loved seeing him happy, even if he was trying to hide it.

As everyone else took their seats around the table, two spaces next to each other were left for me and Joel. It was sweet. I was relieved by our friend’s quick acceptance of us as a couple. I wanted to sit as close to Joel as possible. Not because I was nervous, but because I didn’t want to be apart from him, not even for a minute.

Joel and I served dinner and took our seats. Adam clinked a glass. “I’d like to make a toast to Joel and Ava, and love and friendship.”

I waited for the sarcastic follow-up from Adam, but it wasn’t forthcoming. We all clinked glasses and began our meal. Surely Adam wasn’t growing up? I looked at Jules to see if she’d noticed anything odd. She wasn’t looking my way and was quieter than normal. Had they both had personality transplants?

“So, tell us the story of you guys at Uni. I’m dying to hear it all. Were you secretly shagging all the time you pretended to be in the library?” Daniel asked.

“Oh. My. God.” Realization hit me. Everyone turned to look at me. I looked at Joel and he looked worried.

“Sorry, Ava, I’m only kidding around,” Daniel said.

“No, sorry Daniel, I wasn’t responding to you. I’ve just realized why these two are behaving themselves for once in their lives,” I said, gesticulating between Adam and Jules. “You two are totally doing it.”

Jules blushed. “We are not.”

“You are blushing. You never blush. Oh. My. God,” said Hanna.

“Columbo strikes again,” Joel said and kissed me on the cheek.

“I told you: I’m Cameron Diaz, not Columbo.” I play-slapped him on his arm.

He kissed my cheek again and I melted and reached across to grab his hand under the table, linking my fingers with his.

“So, are you two shagging?” Daniel asked.

“We kissed, that’s all,” Adam mumbled.

“And it’s not going to happen again,” said Jules.

“Yeah right,” I said.

“Well, you can keep your nose out, Ava, since we didn’t get to weigh in on your relationship with Joel,” Jules snapped.

I held my hands up. “I’m very happy to keep my nose out as long as you make sure you call me first thing tomorrow to tell me everything.” I grinned at her. Staying out of Jules’ love life was the last thing she would ever want from me.

She grinned back. “Ok, it’s a deal.” And then she remembered herself and sobered. “But there’s nothing to tell. I was really drunk, and like I said, it’s not going to happen again.”

I looked at Adam as he concentrated on his plate, not saying a word.

I squeezed Joel’s hand. Jules and Adam. That would make everything even more perfect, if that was even possible.

“Let’s change the subject and let these guys off the hook for the evening, shall we?” Joel said.

There were murmurs around the table, and then Adam and Matt started arguing about something and we fell into our familiar rhythm of friendship.

“You guys look good together,” Daniel said as he passed me the potatoes.

“Thanks,” Joel and I answered in unison. We grinned at each other.

“I might have to vomit,” Jules said with a smile.

I shrugged my shoulders as I caught Leah scowling at what Jules had just said. I knew Jules was joking.

“But it’s true, you do,” she followed up.

“Of course they do. They are perfect together,” Hanna said. I saw Matt roll his eyes at his wife’s relentless romanticism.

“So are you guys going to do the whole white wedding thing, or what?” Adam asked.

“I don’t need a ring and a white wedding to know we’re going to be together forever,” I replied.

Joel squeezed my hand and looked at me with a question in his eyes.

“But you’d wear a ring if I bought you one?” Joel asked.

I shrugged. “I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I haven’t thought about it. But sure.”

“Your enthusiasm is overwhelming.” He grinned at me. “You’ll have a ring at some point. You’re so going to marry me.”

“I am?”

“You are.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

Playlist

Up All Night

Kip Moore

Last Time

Taylor Swift ft. Gary Lightbody

Say Something

A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera

Limbo No More

Alanis Morrisette

Some Other Time

Jill Scott

I Miss You

Kacey Musgroves

Who Knew

Pink

Love Me Still

Chaka Khan

What About Now

Daughtry

Brave

Sara Bareilles

Living Inside My Heart

Bob Seger

Acknowledgements

To my readers - nothing is more thrilling than hearing how someone loved the book that you wrote - that they brought the characters, which you simply scribbled onto a page, into life through their imaginations. Thank you for reading. Thank you for reviewing. Thank you for supporting and encouraging me. Every review, message, like, share, retweet lifts me up and I’m on top of the world.

Thank you to the wonderful community of bloggers and reviewers who want nothing more than for indie authors to thrive and flourish. You are amazing and generous and kind and wonderful and none of us could do it without you. If you’re reading this and wondering if I mean you – I do. Thank you.

Thank you Adrienne for your guidance and wisdom.

I am so lucky to have hoodwinked a fantastic group of beta readers to give me their thoughtful, careful and creative thoughts on this book. They were very kind and I am very grateful. Karen, Slick, Darby and Renee – thank you.

Slick, your generosity knows no bounds.

To Lisa Walker, Megan Fields, Lucy May, Jacquie Jaxs, Barbara Campbell, Tina Haynes-Marshall, Helen Waller, Susan Ann Whitaker and Ashton Williams Shone - you Babes are wonderful. Thank you for making time in your day for me.

Thank you to Georgia Cates for putting up with my stalking and giving great advice (and for writing books that I love).

Thank you Karen Booth. There’s no salt in that pedestal. I can’t wait for London Calling.

Thank you to Heather Way. You have such a good heart.

Thank you to Twirly. Are you actually still alive?

Thank you Jeff Senter. I love my cover!

Faithful by Louise Bay

Synopsis

Leah Thompson’s life in London is everything she's supposed to want: a successful career, the best girlfriends a bottle of sauvignon blanc can buy, and a wealthy boyfriend who has just proposed. But something doesn't feel right. Is it simply a case of ‘be careful what you wish for’?

Uncertain about her future, Leah looks to her past, where she finds her high school crush, Daniel Armitage, online. Daniel is one of London's most eligible bachelors. He knows what and who he wants, and he wants Leah. Leah resists Daniel’s advances as she concentrates on being the perfect fiancé.

She soon finds that she should have trusted her instincts when she realises she's been betrayed by the men and women in her life.

Leah's heart has been crushed. Will ever be able to trust again? And will Daniel be there when she is?

Available on Amazon

In the US

www.amzn.com/B00JK10BBS

In the UK

www.amzn.co.uk/dp/B00JK10BBS

In Canada

http://www.amazon.ca/Faithful-Louise-Bay-ebook/dp/B00JK10BBS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1405175488&sr=8-1&keywords=faithful

In Oz

http://www.amazon.com.au/Faithful-Louise-Bay-ebook/dp/B00JK10BBS/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1405175596&sr=8-2&keywords=faithful

What’s Next?

My next book is a novella that sits between ‘Faithful’ and ‘Hopeful’. It follows on directly from ‘Faithful’ but is told from Anna’s point of view. It’s making me blush just thinking about it.

Let’s Connect!

If you enjoyed Hopeful, please leave a review on Goodreads and/or Amazon. Good reviews really help indie authors!

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Table of Contents

Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Epilogue

Playlist

Acknowledgements

Faithful by Louise Bay

What’s Next?

Let’s Connect!