Release

by Lucia Franco

Book 3 in the Off Balance series

Copyright © 2019 by Lucia Franco

Edited by Nadine Winningham

Proofread by Amber Hodge

Cover Design by Romantic Book Affairs

Photography by Lindee Robinson

Cover Models: Shelby Smith and Andrew Kruczynski

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

CONTENTS

Also by Lucia Franco

Introduction

Glossary of Terms

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Turn for a preview of Hold On to Me by Lucia Franco

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Also by Lucia Franco

Acknowledgments

About the Author

ALSO BY LUCIA FRANCO

All or Nothing series

You'll Think of Me

Hold On to Me

Off Balance series

Balance

Execution

Release

Dear Reader,

Much like a student-teacher novel, the Off Balance series is a highly forbidden romance story between a gymnast and a coach. If you find this genre of novels to be not to your liking in any way, shape, or form, this series is not for you.

This novel is purely fictional and does not reflect on real-life events. Gymnastics is a hands-on sport that involves many hours of close contact with an instructor. My main goal was to focus not only on the beauty of the sport in detail, but also what goes on behind closed doors and how working with a coach for nearly forty hours a week can evolve into something more. This story is meant to push you, to take you outside of your comfort zone. I hope you take the plunge with an open mind before making judgment.

Release is intended only for readers 18 years of age and older. Reader discretion is advised.

—Lucia

To my faithful readers,

I'm so sorry again for the cliffhanger I left you with in Execution.

If you thought that was bad, I suggest grabbing a pack of smokes and a bottle of vodka now.

Buckle up.

You haven't seen anything yet.

"I am slowly destroying myself and nobody is able to stop me."

—Anonymous

All-Around A category of gymnastics that includes all the events. The all-around champion of an event earns the highest total score from all events combined.

Amanar A Yurchenko-style vault, meaning the gymnast performs a round-off onto the board, a back handspring onto the vault with a two-and-a-half twisting layout backflip.

Cast A push off the bar with hips and lifts the body to straighten the shoulders and finish in handstand.

Deduction Points taken off a gymnast's score for errors. Most deductions are pre-determined, such as a 0.5 deduction for a fall from an apparatus or a 0.1 deduction for stepping out of bounds on the floor exercise.

Dismount The last skill in a gymnastics routine. For most events the method used to get off the event apparatus.

Elite International Elite, the highest level of gymnastics.

Execution The performance of a routine. Form, style, and technique used to complete the skills constitute the level of execution of an exercise. Bent knees, poor toe point and an arched or loose held body position are all examples of poor execution.

Giant Performed on bars, a swing in which the body is fully extended and moving through a 360-degree rotation around the bar.

Full-In A full-twisting double back tuck, with the twist happening in the first backflip. It can be done in a tucked, piked, or layout position and is used in both men's and women's gymnastics.

Free Hip Circle Performed on the uneven bars or high bar, the body circles around the bar without the body touching the bar. There are both front hip circles and back hip circles.

Handspring Springing off the hands by putting the weight on the arms and using a strong push from the shoulders. Can be done either forward or backward, and is usually a connecting movement. This skill can be performed on floor, vault, and beam.

Heel Drive A termed used by coaches to inform the gymnasts they want them to drive their heels harder up and over on the front side of a handspring vault or front handspring on floor. Stronger heel drives create more rotation and potential for block and power.

Hecht Mount A mount where the gymnast jumps off a spring board while keeping their arms straight, pushes off the low bar, and catches the high bar.

Hop Full A giant to handstand. Once toes are above the bar, a full 360-degree turn in a handstand on the high bar.

Inverted Cross Performed by men on the rings. It is an upside down cross.

Iron Cross A strength move performed by men on the rings. The gymnast holds the rings straight out on either side of their body while holding themselves up. Arms are perpendicular to the body.

Jaeger Performed on bars, a gymnast swings from a front giant and lets go of the bar, completes a front flip and catches the bar again. Jaeger can be done in the straddle, pike, and layout position, and is occasionally performed in a tucked position.

Kip The most commonly used mount for bars, the gymnast glides forward, pulls their feet to the bar, then pushes up to front support, resting their hips on the bar.

L-Grip One hand is in the reverse grip position. This is an awkward grip and difficult to use.

Layout A stretched body position.

Layout Timers A drill that simulates the feel of a skill, or the set for a skill without the risk of completing the skill.

Lines Straight, perfect lines of the body.

Overshoot, also known as Bail A transition from the high bar facing the low bar. The gymnast swings up and over the low bar with a half-turn to catch the low bar ending in a handstand.

Pike The body bent forward at the waist with the legs kept straight; an L position.

Pirouette Used in both gymnastics and dance to refer to a turn around the body's longitudinal axis. It is used to refer to a handstand turning moves on bars.

Rips In gymnastics, a rip occurs when a gymnast works so hard on the bars or rings that they tear off a flap of skin from their hand. The injury is like a blister that breaks open.

Release Leaving the bar to perform a skill before re-grasping it.

Relevé This is a dance term that is often used in gymnastics. In a relevé, the gymnast is standing on toes and has straight legs.

Reverse Grip A swing around the bar back-first with arms rotated inwards and hands facing upwards.

Round-off A turning movement, with a push-off on one leg, while swinging the legs upward in a fast cartwheel motion into a 90-degree turn where legs come together before landing on both feet. The lead-off to a number of skills used to perform on vault, beam, and floor.

Salto Flip or somersault, with the feet coming up over the head and the body rotating around the axis of the waist.

Sequence Two or more skills performed together, creating a different skill or activity.

Shaposhnikva A clear hip circle on the low bar then flying backward to the high bar.

Stalder Starts in handstand with the gymnast moving backward and circling the bar with legs straddled on either side of their arms or inside their arms.

Stick To land and remain standing without requiring a step. A proper stick position is with legs bent, shoulders above hips, arms forward.

Straddle Back An uneven bar transition done from a swing backwards on the high bar over low bar, while catching the low bar in a handstand.

Switch Ring Performed on floor and the balance beam. The gymnast jumps with both feet, lifting their legs into a 180-degree split with the back leg coming up to touch their head.

Tap Swing Performed on bars, an aggressive tap toward the ceiling in a swinging motion. This gives the gymnast the necessary momentum to swing around the bar to perform a giant or to go into a release move.

Toe On Swing around the bar with body piked so much the feet are on the bar.

Tour Jeté A dance leap where the dancer leaps on one foot, makes a full turn in the air, and lands on the other foot.

Tsavdaridou Performed on beam, a round-off back handspring with full twist to swing down.

Tuck The knees and hips are bent and drawn into the chest. The body is folded at the waist.

Twist The gymnast rotates around the body's longitudinal axis, defined by the spine. Performed on all apparatuses.

Yurchenko Round-off entry onto the board, back handspring onto the vaulting table and Salto off the vault table. The gymnast may twist on the way off.

I was stuck in a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.

Locked inside a dark box, I sucked up my oxygen. My lungs burned for fresh air and my heart beat faster and harder. That harrowing moment cruelly replayed in my head over and over, mocking me for my gullibility. I begged for someone to pull me from the darkness suffocating me, but no one could hear my fists hammering on the wall.

Kova was married.

He'd deceived me, and continued to, after I’d given him every fiber of myself. He’d married Katja three months earlier in secret.

My mind flashed with innocent moments we'd stolen over the course of a year. I tried to recall every instance we were together and what I could have possibly missed or mistaken for something else, but I drew up blank every time.

He was Konstantin Kournakova and I was Adrianna Rossi. He was my coach, and I was his gymnast. Nothing more.

I’d made the frantic call to Hayden, knowing he wouldn’t waste any time. He was at World Cup in less than five minutes, pulling me into his arms and holding me tight. I fisted his shirt, fitting so perfectly into him, as if our bodies were made for each other. In a way, we were, but not in the way that mattered.

"Why do I have a strong sense of déjà vu?" he asked, compassion filling his voice. There was no judgment coming from him. "God, you're shivering."

Hayden was there for me when no one else was. Not my mom, my dad, Kova, or even Avery. They all had deliberately lied to me without a second thought. Yes, we all told little white lies, every one of us, but there comes a point in time when we make the conscious decision to bleed those lines red.

"I'm so stupid." Tears streamed from the corners of my eyes and my temples pounded viciously. "I knew better."

I’d been so naïve to think what we had actually meant something to a man like Kova. For him to go and marry Katja was soul-destroying. And even worse, he’d kept it a secret for months and made love to me while he had a wife. How he lived with himself after the way he treated someone he supposedly cared about was astonishing. I truly had no words.

I felt used, dirty…disgusting.

We are a team—I exhale, you inhale. He was the air I breathed, and ultimately what suffocated me.

The heartbreaking truth was, when it came to Kova, I’d always been an afterthought for him, second to his precious Katja. He didn't want me, had never wanted me. He’d picked her. He’d married her.

"You can't keep putting yourself through this," Hayden said softly.

"I know." My head spun faster than a rollercoaster, unprepared for the onslaught of emotions. I was too cold and numb, and breaking inside. "You're right."

"What happened this time?" Hayden brushed back the hair stuck to the side of my damp face. The thought of telling him left a sour taste in my mouth.

"Just take me home, please."

I couldn't keep allowing that man to wreak havoc in my world. My heart ached in ways I didn’t even know was possible. Actions spoke louder than words, and while Kova was a clusterfuck of contradictions, his last action spoke loud and clear.

A secret marriage was the ultimate betrayal.

I wasn't sure when or how—everything was a blur—but Hayden put me in his car and drove us back to my condo. I’d changed out of my leo, and we went to my room. He hadn't pushed me for answers, but he wasn't oblivious either. He knew why I was so distraught. We’d been down this road before.

"Aid, say something. You're scaring me. You haven't spoken since we left the gym."

"I don't know what to say."

Hayden shook his head, disbelief crossing his face. Deep creases lined his forehead and his nostrils flared, proof that he knew the underlying cause of my pain. Still, he said nothing while I stood there in a daze. I knew he was disappointed, and he should be. I let this happen again when I’d promised I wouldn't.

My jaw ached from grinding my teeth. I was sure if my mom saw me now, she'd tell me I was worthless, and ask me why a man of wealth and stature like Kova would want a sixteen-year-old whore over a beautiful bombshell he could proudly show off on his arm.

My mom. I couldn't even let out a sarcastic huff. That was a whole other story. Joy. I would call the woman who raised me Joy from now on.

Hayden brushed a few strands of loose hair behind my ear and wiped the fresh tears from my cheek before placing a kiss to my forehead. My eyes rolled shut, heavy with exhaustion and the weight of the day. I sighed, pressing my body closer to his, and he responded immediately. I needed to feel. I didn't like this emptiness, this hole, this huge void in my chest that Kova had created.

"It kills me to see you like this." Hayden pressed his hand to my lower back and held me closer. He groaned in the back of his throat, and I felt the deep, gravely vibration in his chest on the side of my face. "Tell me what I can do to make it better for you. I'll do anything you need, just tell me."

He was hurting for me. Where Hayden warmed my soul with his presence, Kova darkened it with his passion. Light versus dark. Good versus evil. The contrast always existed between them. Hayden was selfless, soft-hearted, an all-around good guy. Kova, however, took, and took, and took, leaving me shattered and broken. Vacant.

An agonized tear slipped from my eye as I remained silent. Hayden took matters into his own hands and carried me out of my bedroom to sit us down on the couch. He may not be as big as Kova, but he wasn't average in the least. I felt small but safe in his arms, and I needed that.

Adjusting my legs to the sides of his hips, I dropped my head into the curve of his neck and sat there until I was ready to speak. I breathed him in, absorbing everything he had to offer. He moved my hair to lay over my shoulder and his hands stroked my back soothingly. I molded myself into his heated body and finally took my first deep breath since coming home from the gym.

"Did you know?" I asked.

"Know what?"

"That Kova is married."

Hayden froze long enough for me to pull back to look at him.

"Hayden?" My heart raced as I stared at him, waiting for an answer that wouldn’t blindside me.

Oh, God. He’d known?

I tried to stand, but his hold on my hips prevented me from moving.

"What the hell are you talking about?” The heat from his fingers passed through the layers of our clothes. "Kova isn't married."

"Yes, he is. He's been married for months."

Hayden's blue eyes turned glacial. Thick tension filled the space between us until my nerves rattled.

"Let me guess, the bastard never told you."

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t need to.

Hayden's lips curled in disgust. "And he let you find out at practice?"

Embarrassment flooded me. My entire body started to tremble and breathing became difficult.

"I’m gonna kill that motherfucker."

"I’m sorry.” It was all I could think to say.

I’m sorry.

My stomach churned.

Prosti.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push back the tears as the night before filled my mind. It was unlike any other time we’d been together. Kova had acted like he loved me. He had worshipped me in the most loving, heart-wrenching way.

And it turns out, he’d been apologizing to me the whole time he was making love to me.

"When was the last time you were with him?" Hayden questioned. His eyes narrowed, like he was waiting for me to confirm his worst thoughts.

I opened my eyes and drew in a deep breath. I couldn’t tell him it was only last night.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"But he was fucking you and his wife at the same time?" Hayden paused. "Aid, I think you should get tested."

"Tested for what?"

He didn’t bother to mask the look of incredulity on his face. "STDs."

My jaw dropped. I hadn't even thought of that until now.

"He uses protection when he's with Katja." The lie flew from my lips. I didn't need him to make me feel even shittier than I already did.

Hayden tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. "And how do you know that?"

"I asked him once." Another lie.

"This is beyond fucked up. So he uses a condom when he has sex with his wife, but not you? Aid, stop lying to me and yourself."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," I said before nestling into his warmth.

"Adrianna," he said softly, and I snuggled further into him in a silent plea for him to drop the conversation.

I shook my head and sniffled. "I don't know what to say. I fucked up."

Another tear slipped down my cheek and I closed my eyes again. I needed to stop crying but I didn’t know how.

Hayden palmed my jaw, lifting my face up to his. Our eyes met. I'd only known him for a short amount of time, but he was proving to be a better friend than even Avery.

Avery. Another situation I didn't want to think about.

My jaw trembled. I’d been so hurt by the few people I truly cared about. I had no one left but Hayden, and luckily, I knew he'd never let me down.

"Come on, Aid. This isn’t you. This isn’t the girl I know. You fought to qualify for elite. Sweat, blood, tears, and maybe a little too much Motrin has gone into you achieving your goal. Everything you’ve worked so hard for will be gone in the blink of an eye because you let this dickhead ruin you. Don’t let him strip you of your dream. You’re better than this."

He was right.

"Talk to me. Let me in." Desperation tinged his voice. "What is it you need from me? Whatever it is, it's yours. Let me help you get past this."

I stared over Hayden’s shoulder. The thing was, I didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to utter a word. I didn’t want him to know the real truth behind why I was so upset.

That would require admitting that I loved Kova, and I’d never admit that out loud. Ever.

I had always been under the assumption that love wasn't supposed to hurt, that it was supposed to be like walking through a butterfly garden high on the vibrant colors of life. Love was easy, natural, and all-encompassing.

A butterfly. Further proof that I'd been so naïve. I should've known it wouldn’t be like that. Love was a vicious cycle and as delicate as butterfly wings. I’ve even heard someone say that a flutter of a wing could cause a typhoon halfway around the world. It’s ironic really—one tiny flutter, like a signed marriage certificate—that two delicate and common things held the power to wreak a lifetime of despair.

"Your eyes change color when you cry." Hayden distracted me from my thoughts.

"Do they?"

His brows lowered. "Hasn't anyone ever told you?"

"No."

Understanding filled Hayden's tender gaze. "You don't let anyone see you cry, do you?"

I'd let my guard down and he saw right through me.

A sad smile tugged at my lips, and he returned it immediately. There was no judgment in his startling blue eyes, only acceptance. The budding feeling that had been cultivating in my heart for the past few months slowly formed into recognition.

I loved Hayden. But I loved him in an entirely different way than how I loved Kova. Hayden was the definition of a good friend. Despite everything, he never wanted to ruin my happiness, only heighten it.

"I was so blinded and stupid. I seriously don't know what I was thinking, but I just can't let go of the fact that he's married. It bothers me so much," I said.

"Yeah, it's a lot to take in and a total mind fuck. He never should have been with you in the first place."

This was too much emotion for my sixteen-year-old self to deal with. But then again, what sixteen-year-old got involved with a thirty-two-year-old man?

My calloused fingertips wandered over his strong shoulder, curving around the back of his neck, and I played with the little hairs at the base of his neck. I curled them around my index finger and gave a little tug. Normally, I'd be embarrassed by the roughness of my hands, but since Hayden was a gymnast and he had the same touch, it didn't bother me.

Expressing a heavy, mentally exhausted sigh, I prepared to tell Hayden at least the partial truth. At this point in my life, it was all I was good for—incomplete facts.

"You're not going to like what I have to say."

Hayden eyed my bare shoulder. His knuckles delicately grazed my collarbone, drifting to where my shirt had fallen. Goosebumps pebbled my skin and my nipples turned into hard little peaks from the intense stare in his eyes.

Licking his lips, he placed my shirt back onto my shoulder, then slid his hand alongside my ribs, his thumb shifting soothingly back and forth close to my breast.

"Lay it on me. That's what friends are for."

A sad smile splayed my face. Friends.

Hayden's head dipped toward mine. There was a small dimple I'd never noticed before. "What are you thinking about?" he asked.

I studied him, catching the hint of playfulness that flirted with me in his eyes. My head spun with questions I'd never have real answers to, and things I didn't want to think about any longer. I wanted to forget, even if it was just for a little while; I wanted this raging headache of grief to disappear.

Hayden shifted in his seat, my hips sinking deeper into his lap. I blushed at the feel of his length under me and kept my focus on the corded muscles in his neck, the curve of his shoulder, his strong jawline. Everything but his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said, a hair above a whisper. "You must be so annoyed with me and this drama by now. You must think it's ridiculous how I feel."

"What you feel is not ridiculous. He made you feel this way and I hate that for you. I wish I could make it better."

He nestled me further into his lap and I felt a growing thickness I wasn't expecting. Our gazes met and he clearly wasn't ashamed over the fact he was hard.

"I care about you, Aid, more than you probably know…more than I should allow myself to. Seeing you hurt, hurts me."

"You're the only one who cares about me," I said so quietly, and that was the sad truth.

"Don't say that. You know it's not true."

"Oh, it is, trust me. I don't know what I did to deserve this trifecta of shit dumped on me."

We looked into each other's eyes and I knew he could see the melancholy written all over my face.

My heart ached with this unending need to be desired, wanted, loved by one specific man, and the boy in front of me was open and honest and wanted to give me everything the one man I wanted couldn't.

Hayden placed his hands around my hips and shifted me closer to him, pushing me against his hardened length. The smoldering look in his eyes made my stomach flutter.

"I see so much good in you," he said. "I just wish you could see it too."

My teeth dug into my lip and his gaze dropped to my mouth, where it stayed a little too long. He was too good to me—too good in general—and I didn't deserve that. His head angled to the side, his eyes growing heavy with hunger. I felt my own telltale sign of desire stirring and briefly wondered if I should act on it. Could I use Hayden to my own advantage? Use my friend to help me escape the thoughts running through my head, even for a little while? What kind of person did that make me, and did I care?

"Hayden…" He lifted his gaze and I decided to take a chance. "I just want to forget. Make me forget Kova."

Eyes wide, he shook his head. The struggle was written all over his face and the wound in my heart widened upon seeing that. He knew what I was asking for, and I knew his answer before he’d even opened his mouth.

"You're vulnerable right now, and I'm not a monster."

I disagreed. "I'm asking, though. There's a difference. It doesn't make you a monster if I'm asking, right?"

"It wouldn't be right," he said, regret heavy in his voice.

My jaw trembled and a sigh rushed past my lips. I shouldn't have asked, because I was an emotionally charged mess gasping for air. Asking him to go that extra mile was wrong, especially when he was the one person who'd always had my best interest at heart, who’d dropped everything any time I've ever needed him. And for what? Sex wouldn't accomplish anything. It wouldn't change my current situation. It wouldn't magically erase the past…

But it would make me forget for a little while. It would make me feel wanted. It would ease the pain in my heart and the nauseous feeling in my gut.

Hayden tilted his head to the side and took me in. I bet he would be gentle and caring between the sheets, someone who showed me respect both inside and outside of the bedroom.

"God." The word came out sounding more like defeat. "You must think I'm the worst kind of human alive.”

I lifted my knee to move off Hayden, but he stopped me, raising a hand to my cheek and turning me to face him.

"Hey," he said, his voice low and raspy. His fingers laced through my chalky hair and he pulled me close to whisper against my lips. "I could never think that about you. I think Kova is the worst kind of human alive, but not you. I think you're amazing. I think you're strong. I think you're ambitious. And, I think you're beautiful." The corner of his mouth quirked up. "But I would feel wrong having you like this. I want you to come to me willingly, not because you're hurt and trying to forget someone else."

"I pushed you away because of Kova, because I foolishly held on and hoped that there would be more. But I'm done. I'm done with him. I promise. Even if we don't do anything, I'm still done with him."

"So you only want me now that he's out of the picture?" He pulled back. Hurt masked his features and that made me feel even worse.

"No. No, it’s not like that. You know that's not true." I sighed, regretting what I’d said. I wasn’t making any sense and wished even more that I hadn't asked what I did. "I just wanted to forget him, forget the pain…just for a little while."

"Tell me the truth, Aid. What was really going on between you two? It was more than just fucking around, wasn’t it?"

I sat there in stunned silence. Hayden was asking too much from me. I couldn’t answer him, not honestly.

"Jesus Christ, you fell for him. You fell for that fucking piece of shit."

Oh fuck.

I wiped away the warm tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.

I was such a mess. I rarely cried before Kova came into my life, and now I cried all the time. Today I was a blubbering Sensitive Suzie with a river of tears.

"Aid. Come on. Talk to me," Hayden begged. He'd followed me into the kitchen after I'd gotten up, unable to sit still while he picked apart my biggest secret.

"Just go," I said with my back to him. Hayden placed a hand on my shoulder and encouraged me to turn around. I fell into him without looking, my chest splintering down the center. I swallowed hard and hiccupped. "I'm so embarrassed, I can't even look at you."

"I’m here, Aid. Tell me what’s going on."

"He was… I never thought I would fall for him the way I did. I never thought any of this would happen."

Hayden listened in silence while I poured my soul out.

"Don’t get mad at me," he said when I finally caught my breath. "But what did you expect would come from your relationship with him? Did you think you guys would end up together?"

"I have no idea, not him marrying someone else, that’s for sure. He doesn’t love her, I know he doesn’t."

Hayden hesitated for a moment. "He has to love her, even a little bit to marry her. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but there’s no way he can’t not love her after being with her for so many years."

Another tear slipped down my cheek. I nodded, chewing my lip raw. He was right. I was lying to myself. Of course, Kova had to love Katja.

"God, how can I be so stupid?" I expelled a heavy breath.

"You’re not stupid." Hayden pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

"I never saw it coming. Shouldn’t I have seen it?"

"No, because he wanted it that way."

My chest burned with the reality of how right he was. "How am I supposed to forget him?"

Hayden lifted my blotchy face to his. Our eyes locked. The startling diamond-like crystal blue pierced my gut. His eyes held a passionate look I'd seen very few times. His hands cupped my jaw and I held my breath as his gaze drifted down to my mouth, his lids becoming heavier the longer he stared at my lips. He stepped closer until I was forced to step back and lean against the counter. I grabbed onto his arms, while his palms slid to the back of my neck, then through the hair at my nape.

"I can’t erase your memory, though I would if it were possible. I’d do anything to see you smile and forget that piece of shit." His callused fingertips kneaded my sore shoulders and a little sigh rolled off my lips.

"I know," I murmured. My head tilted to the side and my eyes closed from the touch of his fingers that felt too good. Hayden leaned against me, his body fitting to mine and igniting a feverish hunger between us.

Hayden drew in a deep, resigned sigh. "Be easy on me, Aid,” he breathed against my mouth quietly before he descended. His lips were soft and supple like Kova's, yet the impression was entirely different. I clenched his shirt and kissed him back, pressing my lips into his, wondering if I would regret encouraging this come tomorrow.

Only Hayden surprised me, and I lost my train of thought. He took the initiative by slipping his tongue between my lips. I softened at the stroke of his sensual kiss and the way he caressed my mouth. We fell in sync and it reminded me of our moment together on New Year's Eve. He tightened his embrace, his hands quickly roaming my body like he couldn't get enough.

It didn't take long for the lust to thicken between us. Heart pounding against my ribs, my hands slipped beneath his shirt, and his abs dipped a little as my unsteady fingers found his taut skin. I was so nervous, and I didn't know why. Before I could move higher, Hayden broke the kiss and stepped back to look down at me.

"I've wanted you for what feels like forever. I'd rather it be under different circumstances, but I'll take what I can get."

Reaching behind his neck, he grasped his shirt and pulled it off in that sexy way all guys do and dropped it to the floor. My lips parted and butterflies swirled in my stomach at the attraction. His gorgeous pecs caught my attention and I placed my hands on his stomach and dragged them to his rock-solid abs, feeling the indents while I skimmed to his chest. I felt him take a few deep breaths before he attacked my mouth. He was assertive but gentle, his tongue twirling around mine, tugging and pulling, igniting a glow throughout my body. My arms coiled around his shoulders and I threaded my fingers through his hair and gave in to the sweetest passion rising in me, unlike the dominant need I was used to with Kova.

Hayden's erection nudged my hip while he devoured my mouth with a vengeance. A low ache resonated between my thighs. All logical thought left my mind as he hoisted me onto the counter and began rocking into me.

"I've wanted you too," I admitted, because I have wanted him. He was attractive in a different way than what I was used to, but I needed different right now.

"Don't just say it to say it. You got me already."

"I'm not," I said. "I mean it."

Wrapping my legs around his back, I locked my ankles together and tugged him closer. A soft moan sounded from the back of my throat. I pulled on his bottom lip with my teeth and he grinned. He broke the kiss and I instantly reached for him, but he pushed my hand away and quickly removed my shirt, dropping it to the floor where his was.

I watched his expression, his eyes widening while he took in the sight of me. It was almost as if he had never seen breasts before in his life. His heady gaze made me feel wanted. Kova had freed something inside me and made me feel comfortable in my skin, making it easy for me to let Hayden get his fill. My nipples hardened to tight little buds and I could see his erection straining against his shorts. He leaned in and I drew in a breath as he roughly cupped my breast and took a nipple into his mouth, sucking it hard.

A long moan escaped my parted lips and I leaned back on my elbows, not expecting the tingle between my thighs. Even though I'd asked for this, in the back of my mind I couldn't believe I was letting him. But as quickly as he’d started, he stopped.

"I can't do this up here, it's just not physically possible."

I thought back to when Kova fucked me up against the wall just a few feet from where we stood with no issue, but I didn't mention it. For obvious reasons, of course.

Within seconds, Hayden had lifted me into his arms and carried me to the living room. I had one of those oversized couches wide enough to sleep on comfortably. He laid me down, my legs spreading willingly for him. For a split second my stomach tightened, and I felt myself slipping.

Forehead creased, he hesitated. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing," I lied through a forced smile. I wanted this, but something felt off until he grinned, and his boyish face hit me smack in the chest. I softened beneath him, letting everything go.

I gripped the elastic of his shorts and pushed them down, and he pulled mine off in return. Hayden was rippling with muscle. Wide but lean, no narrow hips on him. I could hardly tear my gaze from his golden amber body that exuded a sensual side of him I hadn't been privy to. Confident and proud, with an erection that almost reached his belly button. I'd never seen a penis that wasn't circumcised before, but it was definitely interesting looking. Immediately I searched for that pulsing vein I loved only to not find it. I guess not all men had it, which was probably a good thing, otherwise I'd always be looking for Kova. Hayden was my flawless, all-American boy next door.

He was also vastly different compared to Kova.

"I want you," he said, then closed the distance with his mouth. His hips surged against mine and his hard, hot length lay pressed along my inner thigh. Normally I'd be embarrassed by how wet I was, but I wasn't. I wanted him to see how turned on he made me.

"You're a hot kisser. Slow, and just enough to make my body melt," I said, trying to bite his lip.

His groan prickled my skin and it was pretty sexy. Gripping the back of my thighs, he jerked my hips to him. I liked how assertive he was with me. His cock teased my pussy and I lifted my hips for more. My back arched and my breasts pressed against his chest. A desirable energy coursed through my veins. I grabbed his hair and tugged on it. My nails scored his back and he flexed under my draw. I needed to feel him, feel something other than sadness, and he was giving me just a taste when I needed something more.

Hayden peppered kisses down my neck, dragging his nose over my collarbone. His teeth scraped seductively across my sensitive skin. His fingers dug into me like he was struggling on the edge. He knew what he was doing, the storm he was creating within me, just like I knew what I was doing to him.

"I need to make sure you want to do this," he said, his voice gruff.

I nodded. There was a voice in the back of my head telling me not to do this, that Kova would be distraught if he found out, but I was too far gone to stop. Kova had married Katja, and now I needed to release the hold he had on me. He was like a tattoo on my skin, the blood that rushed through my veins, and the only way to be free of him was to replace how he made me feel with someone else.

If I was a better person, I'd tell Hayden to stop.

But I wasn't.

"Yes," I whispered. "I want this."

Hayden reached down for his shorts on the floor and swiftly pulled out a condom from his wallet.

"You always carry those around?"

He grinned as he tore the package open with his teeth. "Of course. What kind of animal would I be if I didn't? Plus, an STD wouldn't look good on me."

I flinched, but was completely deserving of his bluntness. I thought of Kova and how he never had condoms on him. I'd been careless, and Hayden unfortunately knew that.

"True," I answered in all honesty.

Hayden rolled the condom down his erection, then palmed his thickness, squeezing the head of his cock and rotating his wrist. My chest rose and fell as we were suspended in the height of anticipation. Watching Hayden touch himself was hot. I could hardly tear my gaze from him, from the way he gripped his thickness, how he stroked it and worked it even harder. Just like Kova would.

For one split moment I wavered in my decision. I wanted Hayden, but what scared me was that I didn't need him, not like I had needed Kova.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

The hunger in Hayden's eyes stirred my blood and caused heat to rush through my body the longer he stared. I wanted to tell him to go down on me so I could come on his tongue, but that nudging feeling was swirling in my stomach, like someone was holding my shoulders back and covering my mouth from allowing the words to spill from my lips. In the back of my mind I knew why, but I didn't want to acknowledge it, so I didn't.

Arching my back, I stretched my arms above my head to tease him, my nipples aching for his mouth again.

"Hayden, stop staring and fuck me already."

His brows shot up. That'd done the trick.

Positioning his tip at my entrance, Hayden thrust in hard and fast in one single motion until he was as deep as he could go. I swallowed, expecting it to hurt a little and thankful that it didn't. Our eyes locked, our lips parted a fraction away from each other's, and we groaned in harmony as he lowered himself against my flesh. His tongue traced the seam of my lips, then he kissed me like he was starving. I exhaled through my nose and relished in the little bit of gratification I tried to allow myself to have.

Reaching behind him, Hayden hitched up one of my legs and brought it to rest on his shoulder. An agonizing heat tore through my calf and I fisted my hands from the pain of the little tears I had in my Achilles. I exhaled through my nose again and blocked it out. His hips reared back and he drove in so deliciously slow again that my eyes rolled shut.

"Oh," I said when he pressed into my clit. I needed stimulation there in order to have an orgasm, and mercifully he hit it because I honestly wasn't sure I could let go with everything on my mind. My back arched from the pressure between my thighs I hadn't expected to feel. I focused on it, trying to build that feeling I desired. Hayden grabbed me, giving my hips a good yank to seat himself further inside. Warmth flowed through my body and a low, sexy groan flowed from his lips.

"You feel that?" he asked amid thrusts.

I nodded and captured his mouth with mine. I bit down on his bottom lip and tugged it into my mouth.

"You like to bite,” he observed. I answered him with my teeth. The slight bite with pain always pushed me over the edge and I wanted him to feel that way too.

Perfectly smooth strokes brought our pleasure to a new level while my tongue caressed his. A guttural little moan vibrated in the back of my throat, encouraging Hayden to push in deeper, move faster. I gasped as he almost hit that one desirable spot that craved attention, and I thrusted my hips to meet his.

"Hayden," I whimpered. "I need more. Harder."

I hungered for something harder, darker, something to take the edge off and carry me to another level. I needed something like what I was used to with Kova. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts. I wanted what I got with Kova from Hayden. He had to make my pleasure his the way Kova did or this was never going to work.

Pulling back, Hayden sat on his knees and paused. He took a deep breath like he was winded, and the pleasure I had finally felt started to diminish.

"Hand me that pillow," he said. I did and he signaled for me to raise my hips. I exhaled a heavy pant and glanced at his face, unsure of where he was going with this.

"Trust me," he said with a smirk when he saw the look in my eyes.

Placing the pillow under my butt, he gripped my elevated hips then rose up on his knees. He pulled out ever so slowly, then slid back in and held still. I exhaled a breathless sigh. This is what I needed. My thighs quivered as a wave of pleasure finally tingled down my spine. At this angle, I felt everything Hayden was blessed with. His length, his width, the strength in his grip, how he pressed on my lower belly to hold me down. Everything.

"Again." I panted.

Hayden's hips began a rhythm of their own, taking the bliss higher than I could have hoped for. The way his body moved, like he was an erotic dancer, made it all that much better. He hit my clit and that hidden spot deep inside me. As if it were timed, little gasps and moans escaped my parted lips the more he increased his speed and power.

"Oh… This… Amazing," I managed to get out. Little stars appeared in my vision. His hand flattened on my stomach and moved until his thumb found my clit, then he pressed down on it. My neck arched back, and I clenched around him, my knees squeezing his waist, not caring how I sounded when I moaned his name. The aching pleasure building inside amplified at this angle. I reached for something to hold on to and gripped the edge of the couch. I tried thrusting my hips, but I had no leverage. Hayden was in complete control and, surprisingly, knew what he was doing.

His thumb circled my clit with every stroke of his shaft. I couldn't take much more and I squirmed, stretching my legs until my toes were pointed and I was squeezing him with my thighs.

"Oh, fuck, Hayden…"

"I want you to come like this…bared to me," he panted, his voice not his own. "If you could see what I see… Fuck, you're beautiful."

He watched our joined bodies meet, his greedy eyes solely on my sex, his chest flushed from exertion.

"Your clit… your lips are soaking wet. What I wouldn't give to feel you bare."

I gasped, my heartbeat soaring. Never in a million years would I have expected good ol' boy Hayden to talk like that. "Do it then, fuck me the way you want."

He shook his head and my heart dropped a little. I was hoping he'd become a savage and take me roughly.

Gritting his teeth, he said, "I've only done that with one person."

Pinching my clit did the trick, and I yelled out as I hit that desired peak of intense pleasure. My ankles locked behind his back and I squeezed. Maybe a little too hard, because he rewarded me with a slap to my thigh. The orgasm wracked through my body so violently I shook everywhere. I released a long sigh and squeezed him again in hopes he'd slap me once more. He didn't, but his thrusts were faster and rougher, and that helped. My body pulsed from head to toe and I reached out blindly, finding his wrist, and I latched on. My nails dug into his skin. I was sure he'd have little half-moon imprints tomorrow, not that I cared.

"That's it, baby, give it to me."

Hayden didn't stop. Between circling my clit and pinching it, he rung out every bit of pleasure he could.

Just as I came down from my enjoyable high, he came. The pulsing of his dick elicited little bursts of ecstasy from him. I felt him spasm, his body shaking from coming so hard. He breathed heavily, groaning from satisfaction as he slowed down.

"Oh my fuck," I said through a light chuckle.

Hayden laughed. His fingers spread out as his hands sensually smoothed up my thighs, over my hips and to my ribs. He leaned over me and gripped my chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing my face to turn toward him. He pulled the pillow out from under me, then leaned down and captured my mouth with a kiss that took my breath away. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he pulled out of me, never breaking the kiss until he was settled on top of me. My fingers found his hair and I caressed him. We kissed slowly and surely, making out like two teenagers with raging hormones, which we were. But I'd never made out like this before. And at the rate we were going, I wasn’t going to want to stop.

A newfound ache resonated deep in my sex and it was rising again. I didn't understand where this craving came from, only that I wanted to keep feeding it.

I wanted more.

I needed more.

I wanted to take as much as I could get and not stop. Not until my body couldn't take anymore indulgence. That's how it always went down with Kova, and I wanted to replace that experience with Hayden. I wanted sex with the use of the pillow again. I wanted him to bend me over. And I wanted Hayden to give it to me the way Kova did but in his own style. There was nothing, and I mean nothing, better than the feeling of an orgasm. Nothing.

I rolled my hips against Hayden's and hitched my knee up, resting it along his ribs. I wasn't done. My body was humming high and I needed to feel him against my center again, I needed the pressure desperately.

Whimpering into his mouth, I tugged on the ends of his hair and became ravenous. I locked my arms and legs around him like a spider monkey. Hayden laughed and slipped his hand between us. His fingers stroked my swollen lips deliberately with a feather-soft touch and I sighed, my eyes rolling shut as he slipped a finger inside. I wasn't used to such soft touches like that.

"Fuck," he said with more shock than anything. "You're so wet."

"Mmmm…I want more," I begged, whimpering against his mouth. We were both damp with sweat, but I didn't care. I had a one-track mind right now. "Let's fuck again." He laughed.

The sound of a phone vibrating broke my attention. "Ignore that," Hayden ordered, then pulled me up to stand with him. I hadn't let go, but was still wound around him. His hands palmed my ass and he carried us to the bathroom. Flipping on the switch, he strode to the shower and turned it on. Little pebbles of cold water speckled my back but did nothing to help cool me down. A couple of jerky movements later and I knew Hayden had removed the condom and dropped it into the trash. Stepping into the shower, he stood under the warm spray with me in his arms.

Hayden kissed me, then pulled back. Our eyes locked and a soft smile spread across my face. Even after what we’d just shared, I blushed.

"Your lips are red and really swollen. You look like you had injections."

He laughed, and said, "That's because someone has been attacking my mouth. She's a ferocious little cub. I could barely breathe."

My brows lifted and I shrugged uncaringly. I stared at his plump mouth and licked my lips. "I can't help it. You're a damn fine kisser, Hayden Moore, and I love kisses."

"I think you told me that once."

"I did?"

He nodded and leaned down, the spray of the shower streaming over us. With the tiles to my back, he said, "There's so much passion in you. I could kiss you all day, you know."

"So then do it." I suggested with a smile. And he did. Within minutes he was hard and hot against my pussy. "Do you have more condoms?"

"No. What about you?"

I shook my head, unable to find words. Now I wished I'd purchased a box. The tip of his dick was rubbing illicitly along my sensitive slit and I knew he loved it from the heavy look in his eyes. Arching my hips back, his erection slipped between us and stood tall.

"There," I said, and grinded against his bare length, hungry for more. Hayden's jaw flexed and his groan vibrated in his chest. He was falling into the eroticism of us being flesh to flesh.

"Fuck me," Hayden roared, dropping his head to my shoulder. His fist pounded the tile next to my head.

"I want more," I said.

"We don't have any condoms and I refuse to make you take Plan B like that asshole."

I whimpered, continuing to rub my pussy on him. A steady buzz built inside, a sigh rolled off my lips. "Please."

"We can't." He grunted, driving his hips up and down. His body contradicted his words—just like Kova—and I secretly loved it. "Fuck, you feel good."

Using my thigh muscles, I lifted so the crown was aligned with my opening, and I hovered above him. Our eyes locked as Hayden's chest expanded with each breath he took, and I knew he was fighting to do the right thing. It was not in his character to be cruel, but it would be so easy for me to slide down and not care, to take him how I wanted. I wouldn't do that to Hayden, though. Kova, yes, because he was a bastard and could take it. But Hayden wasn’t and couldn’t.

"Just the tip," I suggested, pressing my hard nipples to his chest.

Hayden chuckled. "Just the tip," he repeated my request in a sweet, yet mocking tone. I tried to sink down, but he was stronger than me and stopped it from happening.

"No." Hayden drew out his reply, but his actions defied his words. I hummed at the silky touch of his cock.

This was why I liked being with Kova. He was ruthless and obsessive and wicked. He wore devious as if it were a fashion statement. Without trying, he roused something deep within me that I gravitated toward. Neither one of us could comprehend it, but we complemented each other in the worst ways possible.

"I won't be able to stop once I'm in."

Leaning forward, I nuzzled his neck with my nose. His Adam's apple bobbed and I ran my tongue over it, twirling it across his neck and sucking the skin between my teeth. I bit down. His body tightened and trembled against mine.

"Fuck," Hayden muttered under his breath and I grinned. He was losing his battle and I realized I secretly thrived on breaking him down. The power of seduction was something I was finding intoxicating. I did it to Kova, and now I was doing it to Hayden.

"And stopping would be a bad thing?" I asked, trying to lower myself and clench around the tip to entice him. It worked, because he hissed, prodding forward even more. Pleasure wracked my body from the small victory.

"Very bad." His words were thick with need. "I can't take you raw."

"Why? It feels incredible, Hayden."

"Believe me, I know how it feels," he said. "Now I can see why Kova can't resist you. I'd never side with the bastard, but I have this feeling that everything that happened between you two was because of you. You make it fucking impossible. Fucking. Impossible. To. Say. No."

Then, gripping my hips fiercely, he shoved me down onto his length and selflessly gave me what I wanted.

I just hoped I wouldn't regret it.

Once I was out of the shower, I quickly dressed and walked into the living room to tidy up while Hayden finished in the bathroom. The weight on my chest was surprisingly a little lighter, though the sorrow still pulsed in my veins. I could breathe again, but only in short, tight breaths. A sting in the tail, but I'd take it.

Bending down, I picked up the throw pillows and placed them back on the couch. The back of my calf still felt a little sore and I knew I needed to take some Motrin soon. I folded the throw blanket, then picked up Hayden's shorts. A soft thud caught my attention. Hayden's cell phone lay on the floor near my feet. I picked it up and flipped it over, checking to make sure the screen hadn't cracked, when it began vibrating in my palm.

Reagan.

There was something about seeing Reagan's name flash on Hayden's cell phone that didn't quite sit well with me. Not that he was mine, or that other girls couldn't call him. I wasn't like that unless it came to Kova, but I was under the impression they were hardly friends and more along the lines of acquaintances. I'd never seen them talk in the gym, and considering we were there over forty hours a week, there was a lot to observe and note. You could learn a lot about someone without having to communicate.

Unless there was something wrong with his twin, Holly. That was probably the case. Holly and Reagan were good friends.

I walked toward my bedroom to let Hayden know his phone was ringing. As I reached the door, the ringing stopped, and so did I.

My stomach tightened. Four missed calls, all from Reagan. Not one from his sister. I stood there as the phone vibrated in my hand with an incoming text message, followed by another, then another.

Betrayal slammed into me like a semi-truck for the second time today. The air in my lungs dissipated and I clutched my chest, thinking the worst.

Reagan: What time are you coming?

Reagan: I need you.

Reagan: Hello? Is everything okay?

I'd been so blind. The thought of them together made me sick to my stomach. Reagan needed him, just like I had needed him earlier.

The phone buzzed in my hand again as a fourth message came in, totally confusing me.

Reagan: OMGGGG Where are you!? I need my pills.

Pills? What kind of pills? Why would Hayden have her pills?

I proceeded to my room and threw his phone onto my bed. It wasn’t my business and I had no say in what anyone did, but this all made no sense. What pills did Reagan need? And why text Hayden about it?

I shook my head and a violent pounding ricocheted against my temples. I didn’t know what to think about anyone anymore. A million thoughts passed through my head, a giant maze of inconspicuous lies used to pacify me were suddenly clustered together in one big conspiracy.

I was probably overthinking, as always, but I couldn’t let this go. I just couldn't, especially if drugs were involved.

The day just kept getting better and better.

My stomach was a mess. I hated this unbalanced feeling brewing inside me. I was all over the place and not rock-steady like I typically considered myself.

Not since Kova dumped a pile of shit on me hours ago. Not since I found out about Avery and Xavier, and the truth about Joy.

Hayden emerged from the bathroom with a towel wrapped low around his waist. Steam filtered the cool air as droplets of water fell from his hair to his shoulders, trickling down his chest. He smiled, and for a moment I forgot why I was upset, until his gaze wandered to my bed. He stared down, his brows arched with uncertainty.

"Did you go through my phone?" His question was heavy with accusation.

I crossed my arms firmly in front of my chest. "Looks like Reagan is waiting for you."

Hayden gave me a pointed look. "What are you getting at?" he asked and picked the phone up from my bed. I glared at him, letting the fire in my eyes say everything I couldn’t.

"What do you have going on with her?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Those text messages are definitely not nothing." Hayden didn't answer. Instead, he unlocked his phone and read the messages. "She mentions pills, Hayden. That’s not nothing."

"Aid," he said my name in a casual tone, like we hadn’t just been naked together moments before. "I've always been your friend and there when you need me, but this is really none of your business."

"None of my business?" My jaw dropped, my pulse thrashed in my ears. "After everything I’ve shared with you in confidence, how can you stand there and tell me it’s none of my business when someone is messaging you about pills?"

Hayden shifted on his feet and gripped the towel firmly in one hand. "This isn’t something you need to know, Aid. Stay out of it."

"Stay out of—" I paused as a memory jogged my mind. I recalled the moment with Reagan in the hotel room at the meet I was pulled from. I’d confronted her over a bottle of pills. She’d insisted they were diet pills, but I knew better. "Who are you?” I took a hard look at Hayden. Sweet, laid back, always there for me Hayden. Was he supplying her drugs? No. Hayden would never do that. He wasn’t the kind of guy to sell drugs. Was he?

Hayden shook his head and flattened his lips. He almost looked a little hurt, which confused me. Either I was way off, or I had just found out his dirty little secret. "You're unreal, you know that? You’re suddenly doubting me because you were snooping. You're being irrational."

"I’m not being irrational." I walked up to him. "It’s clear you’re not who I thought you were. Tell me the truth."

His chest contracted and he blew out a breath through clenched teeth. When he didn't respond, I pushed. "Are you dealing her drugs?"

Hayden scoffed. "Dealing her drugs? Really, Aid, this isn’t an after-school special."

He hadn’t denied it, and if he was supplying to her, who else on the team was he supplying to?

"What about others? Are you dealing to more than just her?"

"It's none of your fucking business, Adrianna. Just drop it."

"Who else? Tell me. I deserve to know."

There was ice in his blue eyes now. "You deserve to know? Are you kidding me right now? As if you’re some innocent angel." He sneered. "Who do you think you are? You've been fucking our coach and you think you deserve to know what I'm doing in my private time?"

I sucked in a silent breath, taken aback by his hostility.

"Why don’t you tell me when you were last with Kova?" he countered. "I bet you guys have been fucking like animals this whole time and you're too ashamed to admit it, because while he was defiling you, he was balls deep inside his wife."

Tears burned the back of my eyes. I'd never seen this side of Hayden before, a side where he became defensive and confrontational. A side where drugs were possibly involved. His tenor, his furious gaze, his body language, it all blew into me like a hurricane.

Hayden glanced over my head and looked around the room, presumably for his clothes. "You got what you wanted, right? So we're done here?" Hard eyes landed back on me.

I couldn't believe this. His response lit a fire under my ass and brought me back to reality. "We are nowhere near done here," I said quietly.

"What I do in my spare time really doesn't concern you. Like I said, it’s none of your business. You already made your mind up before I could say anything anyway."

"Oh, but it's totally your business who I fuck, right? I had to tell you everything about Kova, yet you can’t tell me whether you’re dealing drugs or not."

A huff rolled off Hayden's curled lips. "You're fucking delusional, you know that? It’s no big deal."

Giving me his back, he walked toward the living room where his clothes were, his shoulders growing tenser with each step. He dropped the towel and glanced around the floor.

"No big deal? You prey on our teammates!" I needed some kind of answers.

He pulled his shorts up and let go of the elastic with a snap, his severe gaze piercing me. "I give them what they need, that's all!" he yelled.

I reared back. "But why would you do that? It's illegal. They could get hurt."

"That's all you need to know. I'm not talking about it anymore."

"Aren't you worried you're going to get caught?"

"Seriously, drop it."

Everyone around me was a liar, so why would he be any different? You are who you associate with. My dad’s saying echoed across my mind. He used to tell me I needed to surround myself with people who were a reflection of me, a mirror of myself, otherwise I wouldn’t be perceived as someone respectable and trustworthy. So what did this all say about me? This newfound understanding wasn’t something I wanted to deal with right now.

"Hayden, help me understand this."

"There’s nothing to understand. It’s none of your fucking business, Adrianna. I don’t do anything differently for them that I don’t do for you."

"I don’t use drugs."

"No, but you use me, don’t you?"

An eerie, cold silence came over me. A wall immediately erected, and I shut down inside.

"Get out," I said, low and contained. "Just get out, now." I shoved at Hayden's chest until he stumbled back. "Get out!" I yelled, full of hurt.

He latched onto my wrist with a firm grip and yanked me to a stop. "Aid," he said softly, changing his tone, "I didn't mean—"

"Get out!" I screamed.

"Adrianna. Stop. Listen to me, please—I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it," Hayden said. His grip tightened, but I was able to pull away. "I didn't mean it like that. You have to know that. I was just angry because you wouldn't stop pushing." Hayden spoke gently but the words were already out and couldn't be taken back.

Shaking my head, I stared at the carpet and pointed toward the door. "Please, just go."

Hayden stepped toward me, but I quickly raised my hand for him to stop, and he did.

"I trusted you and for you to say that… Friends don't do that."

"Aid—"

"Just go."

But Hayden apparently wasn’t going to stop until he got his point across. Raising his voice, he spoke over me, his chest flushed with irritation from straining. "You were giving me shit for what I do in my private time. You made assumptions. I got defensive. Anyone would."

"Not fair enough," I said low and quiet. "What I do in my private time has nothing to do with you and yet I still confided in you when I never had to. I'm always giving and you're always taking."

Hayden stood grounded in his spot for another moment. His nostrils flared and I could sense his frustration. "I knew this was a big fucking mistake. But here I am, trying to be the nice guy, as usual, and give you what you want because I care about you. And for the record, you take more than anyone I've ever seen. What have you given me or anyone else out of your own free will? Nothing."

My teeth gnashed together. "Don't make it seem like having sex with me was a chore. You’ve wanted it for months. I finally gave you the opportunity. Do you just screw anyone to be nice? Maybe throw in a couple of pills and call it a day? Is that what you call being a 'nice guy'?"

His face fell and I almost wished I could take it all back, but I was so tired of being lied to by the people I trusted most.

With my lips sealed, I dropped my gaze to the floor, and a moment later the door opened and then slammed shut. Hayden was gone.

I looked around my empty condo, feeling as hollow as my chest. All the material items gave the illusion of a dream world. Staged, perfect, and so far from the reality of my life. I rubbed my arms, trying to hold myself together.

For the first time in my life, the silence was unwelcome.

Rapid pounding roused me from my sleepy stupor. I rolled onto my side, wiping my hair from my eyes, and yawned. I felt like I'd just fallen asleep two minutes ago, but a quick glance at the clock on my nightstand indicated I'd actually been asleep for hours.

Damn, I was tired.

I sat up and stretched, my lower back throbbing viciously with pain so intense that it took my breath away. I gasped, squeezing my eyes shut and wishing it away.

I needed Motrin. Stat.

Slowly I stood, my body aching from head to toe. I was too young for arthritis, but it felt like there was no cartilage between my joints and it was just bone on bone rubbing together. I wiped my face with my shirt and expelled a fatigued sigh as I walked to the bathroom. I turned on the lights and flinched at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were swollen and red, just like my nose. When I cried, my lips swelled. It reminded me of Joy when she got Botox, only I looked like I had triple the amount in one shot.

Ugh. I was an ugly crier.

I grabbed the Motrin bottle and threw back five little orange pills before heading back to my room to face-plant on my bed. A loud pounding from the living room made me jump, and pain shot through my ankle. Shit. It felt like someone was holding a match to it. With everything going on, I’d forgotten I’d landed wrong earlier during my tumbling pass and I hadn’t treated it properly. I had become good at overlooking my injury and pushing through, but now I felt every ounce of agony in my body. I was a mess.

The pounding started up again and I exhaled a heavy breath as I made my way to the door and threw it open in haste. My frustration swiftly morphed into rage at the site of Kova standing tall and dignified on the other side, and dressed too damn good for his own health.

"Oh hell no! Go the fuck away. How dare you show your face here!"

"Ria—"

"Fuck you, Kova."

"Ria," he drew my name out. "Everyone can hear our business."

"You wrecked me, and I don't want to talk to you. You let me find out about your marriage in the worst possible way. You're so pathetic that you couldn't even tell me yourself."

I tried to slam the door shut but he curled his fingers around the edge to stop me.

"Go the fuck away! I don't want to even look at you."

"I will not go away until you open up." He pushed at the door and I used my hip to push back.

"Then you'll be standing there all night!" I yelled through gritted teeth. "I don't want to see you!"

"I just need to explain." His voice cracked, and I almost slipped.

"It's a little too late for that, don't you think? Go home to your wife."

I gave the door a good shove, and this time managed to slam his fingers between it and the jamb. Kova hissed but held on tight. I took satisfaction in that little feat.

"You know I am not trying, right? I could easily come in, but I do not want to hurt you."

"Too late for that. All you know how to do is hurt me."

"Prosti," he sighed, and I fucking felt his sorrow in that stupid Russian word.

Something exploded in my chest and I detonated like a rocket.

If I didn't know the meaning of that word, I'd say his tone led me to believe he was genuine, but that wasn't the case.

"I never want to hear you say that again!" I yelled, pushing on the door with every ounce of force I could muster. I wanted to break his fingers so he could never use them on me again. "You are not prosti, you fucking liar! Prosti, prosti, prosti."

Oh, yes, I totally mocked him.

"I am going to count to three before I force my way inside." He sounded pissed. "Raz. Dvah." I got a little nervous, and right before he said "tree," I jumped back.

Words evaded me as I stood two feet from Kova. He slammed the door shut so hard the painting on the wall rattled. He eyed me with contempt and I ground my teeth, feeling the blood rush through my veins. I was on edge and past the brink of sanity because of this crazy Russian.

"If you don’t leave, I'm going to scream so loud people will think I'm being murdered."

He raised a brow at the same time one corner of his lips tugged up. "You know I love a good challenge, Ria."

My heart pounded viciously against my ribs. "Kova."

"Adrianna."

"I fucking hate you." The look in his eyes screamed guilt, but I didn't let it affect me. "I fucking hate everything about you."

"I could never hate you." He stepped toward me, and the tenor in his voice weakened my knees.

"You'd be surprised of the dark kind of emotions a person can evoke from another when they've been ruined by someone they care about."

He took another step. "Please…"

I shook my head, a cunning smirk slowly drawing at my lips. I wasn't planning on telling him about Hayden, but it was the only leverage I had that was somewhat comparable to the knife he’d put in my back. He wouldn't like it. In fact, he'd hate it. Kova was a real jealous, bitter man, and I wanted to hurt him. I bet he didn't even share his toys when he was a kid.

Taking a deep breath, I felt like I tugged on every uncertain nerve in my body and exhaled boldness in my next words.

"I fucked Hayden." I gave him a moment to let the words to sink in. "More than once."

He didn't react as I’d expected him to. He just stood there like my words hadn’t fazed him. I exploded then, lunging toward him and slapping him as hard as I could across the face. The sweet scent of alcohol burned my nostrils. He smelled like he had bathed in bottles of vodka. I was almost concerned over the fact that he drove here drunk.

"I wish I’d never met you."

I gasped as he clutched both of my wrists in one hand and wrapped his free arm around my lower back. He lifted me off the floor and carried me into the living room.

I ignored the pain in my ankle and kicked my legs around, fighting him tooth and nail, but he was much stronger than me. All I saw was red and the need to make Kova suffer. My foot connected with his shin, and he grunted, then yelled something in Russian. He moved his head to the side and I saw my opportunity. Throwing myself forward, I clamped my teeth down on his neck, biting down harder when he winced.

"Hurts, doesn’t it, asshole?"

Kova flung me onto the couch, and a gasp of air flew from my lungs as my back connected with the sofa. I glared at him in shock. His eyes were glossy, and he didn't appear as drunk as I knew he was.

"Goddamn it, Adrianna," he said, then shot off another round of Russian when I kicked him in the stomach.

"I hate you. I hate you. I fucking hate you." I clenched my teeth as Kova grabbed both my ankles and roughly yanked me toward him, forcing me to slide halfway down the couch. He climbed over me and pressed his knees to the sides of my hips and dropped his weight on me. He locked me in place, using his tight grip to press my arms into the cushion over my head.

"I deserve all your hate, and more."

"How could you!" I seethed on the inside, my blood boiled to a destructive level. "How could you do this to me, after everything!" I screamed in his face and thrashed against his hold, trying anything I could to get this man, whom I both loved and hated with the same voracity, off me. "You didn’t even have the decency to tell me, you fucking coward."

"It is not what you think."

"It never is. Get the fuck off me and leave me alone. I don't want you here. Go home to your wife, where you belong."

"How can I when all I think about is you? You live in my mind every miserable second of my life. I cannot escape you, no matter how hard I try." I heard him swallow. "When I saw you on the mat, the way your face paled and you nearly collapsed to your knees, it fucking broke me, Ria. You do not know what it did to me. I did not know the definition of pure, raw torture until I saw your face. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I did not know what it felt like to hurt someone I care about until that moment. I would give everything to go back and erase what I did, to not see that look on your face again."

He had no idea what he meant to me. My heart raced so fast that I knew he could feel it.

"You’re married now. Don’t you care that you broke your vows?"

"For the first time in my pathetic life, my hands were tied." Kova’s voice was a notch lower and filled with sorrow. "I could not go against her because it would not just destroy me, but it would ruin you too. I never wanted it, but I had no choice in the matter."

"You always have a choice." My voice splintered between trying to stay strong and fucking breaking inside. We were two halves of a whole that no longer fit. Our pieces had been torn apart, altered and destroyed, with no chance of ever being whole again. "Last night you had more than just sex with me. How could you do that when you’re married?"

"Adrianna… There is a lot you do not know."

"I know we’re done, Kova. This is it. We’re through."

"That is where you are wrong. This is not over. We are not done."

My mouth fell open. "Did you actually think I would continue with you once I knew you were married? What kind of despicable person are you?" Cheating on a girlfriend, though shallow, was one thing, but cheating on a spouse was an entirely different situation.

"Those vows mean nothing to me."

My eyes widened. "You are seriously insane. Did you even wait long to break your vows?" He answered with a cavalier shrug.

This man had no heart and lacked even the simplest emotion. I was sure of it.

Kova squeezed his eyes shut and averted his gaze. I’d hit a sore spot. When he didn't respond, I kept going.

"Do you even love her?"

I wanted him to say yes. At least that way it would ease the pain and make a little sense. Instead, he shrugged again, as if I had asked him how he liked his mediocre house salad. "Katja and I have a history. It was always coming, you know."

I gawked. My lips parted on a heartbroken sigh. It was always coming.

"So, you sleep with me, knowing all along what your endgame was? Are you that narcissistic?"

Kova's gaze hardened. "I am not a narcissist. I am a man conflicted between wanting to do what I want, and needing to do what is expected of me. There is a difference. A big fucking difference and I hate it. One of us was going to lose and I had to make a choice I did not want to make."

"That’s your reason for being a dick? You can’t just own up to the fact that you took the easy way out?"

Kova tensed, his body trembling with defiance. Sitting back on his knees, he raised his voice. "What do you propose I do? Get a divorce and confess my love for you in front of everyone and act like it is no big deal, when it will in fact ruin everything? Use your brain, Adrianna. That could never happen. Never."

Seething over how heartless he could be, I sat up and shoved against his chest. Kova fell back and I stared down at his slumped body.

"I'm not asking you to declare anything. I'm asking you to be a decent human being. It's really not that difficult."

Kova flattened his lips. I got the impression that he was trying avoid saying something he would regret. "It is more difficult than you could ever know. I made a promise many years ago to Katja, and I always fulfill my promises. I made you no promise. Not in this relationship, and not in gymnastics."

My heart plummeted, and a cold shower of clarity washed over me. I'd been so utterly stupid. I didn’t know what was worse, the fact that I’d allowed myself to fall so deep, or that he’d allowed it knowing his intentions.

"You’re right. You never made any kind of promise to me. You used me instead. You flat out used me for your own benefit."

Kova vehemently shook his head. "Take those words back," he demanded.

"No," I said, hanging on to what little strength I had left. "You created this lie. We were never a team. You exhaled false promises and I inhaled your bullshit. You ran the show and I danced to your tune, trapped in this elite bubble of lies you created. I was never your weakness. That's the truth and you know it. You just don't want to hear it."

Sitting up, Kova reached out and grabbed my jaw. His glossy eyes glared at me, and I could see him struggling between losing it completely and trying to retain his sanity. "I never used you. Ever." His voice was a broken whisper. "If there is one thing you believe, believe that, Adrianna." Kova's breathing deepened, and for a split second, I wanted to believe him.

"Go ahead. Tell me another lie."

Kova expelled a heavy sigh and glanced at the ceiling.

My jaw trembled and I took a deep breath. Oh, God. I wished he didn't have the power to make me cry. I didn't want him to see how much I needed him, because I didn't want to show Konstantin Kournakova that I actually loved him. I couldn’t begin to even fathom what he'd do to me if he knew the truth.

Kova smoothed the hair back from my face with a gentleness I wasn't expecting. His hands shook and I tried not to read into it. He was too close, and it was suffocating me.

"I never meant to hurt you."

His words caused a deep ache in my chest and my eyes narrowed to slits. I didn’t want to hear it anymore. If he never meant to, then he wouldn't have hurt me. His words meant nothing.

"Please leave. Go home to your wife. You know, Katja? The woman who’s wearing the diamond you put on her finger?"

Kova's jaw flexed and he tilted his face toward mine. He tried to graze his nose against mine, but I swiftly turned my head away.

"I do not ever want to hear those two words in the same sentence ever again." His nose drifted along my jaw down to my neck. "Especially from your beautiful lips. In another time, another world, that ring would be on your finger and you would not be fighting me. I would be making love to you all day, every day. I would not be with her."

My breath lodged in my throat. He knew no bounds. He said her with such malevolence and loathing that I almost questioned him. But I couldn’t. I didn't want to engage.

"How much did you drink tonight?" Not that alcohol was an excuse, but I couldn’t imagine that even for one second he actually meant what he said for once. I knew better now, and I refused to allow his words to affect me ever again.

"Not enough," he chuckled, and damn it all, it sent a shiver through my body. I wouldn’t be deterred, though. I ground my teeth and put up a wall so big he’d never be able to scale it.

"It’s been a long day. I need you to go. I want to be alone now."

Quietly, and very much to my surprise, he agreed with the slightest dip of his chin. I let out a silent sigh of relief and watched as he stood up and patted his pockets for his keys.

Kova glanced down and the look of devastation on his face broke my heart further into pieces. His eyes…his eyes always got to me. But I wouldn't be swayed. Not this time.

Swallowing back the lump in my throat, I said, "I'll see you early Monday for practice."

He didn't say anything. He just stood there, his eyes asking for so many things. Silently pleading for me to forgive him, for me to ask him to stay. And that wrecked me because he was reaching for me without doing anything, but that was us. We could feel without touch, could listen without words. All we needed was that one look, that intake of breath, and that was it. Kova didn't need to do anything but just be there.

"You have a blading session afterwards," he said, his voice resigned.

"I know."

I wish he hadn't shown that he was looking out for me. I wanted him to not care. I needed him to leave me alone. I needed to let go emotionally and detach myself, and I wondered how I was going to do that. Even though my body was an empty shell, my heart still beat for him. Beat for his seductive lies. Beat for who he was deep inside. Kova wasn’t a bad man. He just made awful choices.

After another moment, Kova turned and gave me his back, his shoulders slumped. I counted each step he took toward my door as he walked away. It took everything in me not to yell out and stop him. My fingers itched to reach out and my chest continued to cave from the loss.

Six. Six heart-wrenching steps was all it took for him to reach the door and pull it open. But it was the next step that did me in.

Seven was supposed to be a lucky number, but it represented our demise. On the seventh step, he gave me what I wanted and walked out. Seven steps, and he was taking my heart with him, the only thing that had any feeling left in me.

Kova had consumed my mind, heart, and soul. I couldn’t let him consume my life any longer. Falling in love with my gymnastics coach was the most excruciating form of self-destruction. From here on out, I would only love him in the dark.

I walked into World Cup on Monday a different person.

Same goal. One destiny. And one less priority.

My soul was quiet. No obstruction, no disturbance, no complication. My emotions were stagnant, like I'd shut a door and they were no longer in my way. I didn't feel hollow anymore. I was at peace, but I wasn't. It was like I didn’t exist. I was neither here nor there. I was indifferent.

I stuffed my bag into my locker and threw my hair into a messy bun, tucking the flyaways behind my ears. The last time I had stood here was when Reagan helped me after the shock of Kova's marriage. That felt like ages ago.

My mind still reeled over why she had been so nice to me, and had been there for me with sympathetic eyes I couldn't refuse. I hadn't spoken to her since then. My gut told me she wouldn’t tell anyone, and if she did, well… I just didn't care. I'd deny it anyway, and frankly, between her pill addiction and Hayden supplying them to her, I now had something to hold over her head.

Taking a deep breath, I slammed the metal locker door shut. Today would be interesting. I was prepared for the off chance that Kova cornered me. No. He wouldn’t do that. That was too personal. He would be just Coach from now on. I planned to tell Coach that unless it was gymnastics related, he wasn’t allowed to talk to me.

A headache began to form near my temple and I pressed on the painful area with my hand. I felt warm, like I had a fever. Quickly, I reopened my locker and dug out some Motrin. After downing them like they were candy, I made my way into the gym on unsteady legs. The last thing I needed was to get sick.

Naturally, Coach and Madeline were already there, along with the rest of the team. His eyes met mine. There was no sorrow in his gaze or any impression that he had something on his mind. My heart fluttered when my eyes drifted to his left hand and caught sight of the flashing platinum band. That ring was going to be the death of me. My stomach roiled like crashing waves as the feelings I’d kept at bay tried to emerge.

"Ladies, you have a meet this weekend." Coach clapped his hands, regaining my attention. "A very important one. Let us start off with stretching and then running two miles. I want you to hop straight into warm-ups. We will work floor and beam for the first part, and bars and vault the second half of the day."

He and Madeline stayed off to the side where they chatted and jotted stuff down in her notebook while we stretched for thirty minutes. Once warm-ups were finished, the team walked back into the locker room and the coaches went their separate ways. We pulled on shorts and slipped on running shoes, took a few sips of water, then made sure our hair was tight in ponytails. As I shoved my duffle bag into my locker, I felt the sharp corner of something lodged inside. Leaning in, I slid my bag aside and saw a familiar silver spiral.

Rage instantly boiled inside of my veins at the sight of our notebook. My locker was a disaster and needed to be cleaned so I hadn't noticed it in there the first time, but now that I had, I wanted to shred it with my teeth. How dare he put this in here. If he thought I was going to write my feelings in this dumb book after what he’d done, he had another thing coming.

I slammed the door shut and turned around to lean against it. Folding my arms across my chest, I dug my nails into my skin. I was furious. He thought he could write down a few heartfelt apologies and all would be forgiven. He was delusional if he thought I would accept a few fake diary entries. We were through. There would be no more Kova and Ria. That ship had fucking sailed the Atlantic and sank next to the rotting Titanic when he decided to get married behind my back.

Holly and Sarah were giggling and talking when Reagan sidled up next to me. I watched the way Hayden's twin walked out of the room, wondering what she’d done that caused the no dating rule to go into effect. Hayden wouldn't tell me, and neither would Kova, but I was going to make it my mission to find out.

"I'll meet you outside. Is that cool?"

Reagan studied me for a moment, then nodded her head before walking out of the locker room.

Once I was sure they had left the building, I reopened my locker and yanked the book out, then marched my way to Kova’s office. When I got closer, I heard him speaking in Russian.

He was on the phone with his wife.

Without knocking, I threw open his office door. Kova sat behind his desk with the phone pressed to his ear. He didn't have time to react. With as much force as I could gather, I chucked the notebook at him, aiming for his fucking head. I was terrible at throwing a ball, so I didn't expect it to hit him. I closed the door quickly, hearing him curse a few times, then I jogged outside.

"Why is there a no dating rule?" I blurted to Reagan when I caught up to her, but not loud enough for anyone else to hear. She glanced at me, then looked straight ahead, her brows bunched together as we walked side by side until we reached the track. "What did Holly do, and why is it such a secret? Do you know?"

"I don't know," she said.

"Don't bullshit me, Reagan. I have a feeling you know since you've been spending extra time with Hayden." She didn't miss my double meaning as she tripped over her footing and shot me a crazed, aggravated look.

A small smirk tipped my lips, but it wasn't malicious. I wanted her to know that I knew about her little secret, but not that I would do anything with it. I'd never throw someone under the bus like that, but it was nice to have it in my pocket.

Before she could speak, I said, "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. I think we both know by now I'm like a vault anyway."

Reagan chewed her bottom lip and glanced away. She stayed quiet until we reached the track. Our feet picked up simultaneously and we jogged next to each other.

"Why do you care?" she asked.

"I'm curious."

We’d completed one lap when Reagan finally said, "I don't know. I've asked both Hayden and Holly and they're very tight-lipped about it. They refuse to tell me anything. Eventually I gave up because I honestly don’t give a shit. I’m just nosy."

We completed another two laps. My head spun and the overthinking exhausted me. "What could it possibly be?"

"I don't know. It could be anything, really. You know how Kova gets. He can be a Nazi and his word is law, so who knows. It could be something big or something small. I mean, if you mess with his OCD schedule, and waste his time, he gets pissy. So who can tell with that guy. He's so hormonal, I swear."

This time I laughed. "Yeah, he totally is."

"I do remember Holly crying a lot and then missing practice for a few weeks. It was…" I glanced at her as she looked up toward the sky and squinted. "I would say no less than a year before you came to World Cup, but definitely over six months."

"She missed practice for a few weeks?" I was truly shocked she was allowed to miss so much time and still train afterward.

"It was also around the time another coach was fired unexpectedly. I was happy he was kicked to the curb. I couldn't stand him."

"Why?" I asked.

"Why what?"

"Why couldn't you stand him?"

"He made my fucking skin crawl. He had that look, you know, the rapey kind of look you can spot a mile away. The one your gut says stay the fuck away from. His smile was creepy and he always stared too long, like he was thinking nasty thoughts. I was glad Kova fired his ass. I almost quit because of him."

A memory flashed through my head as I stared ahead, trying to remember if I’d heard about that situation. I recalled Kova mentioning that he’d fired someone, but I couldn't place when or where he told me.

"Was he a mean coach?" I breathed heavily as a low, dull pain started in my lower back, but I brushed it off. I knew if I stopped even for five seconds that I’d be in trouble.

"Dude, he used to spit when he spoke. Every. Time. It was so gross. He was a nasty coach and so verbally abusive. He made Holly cry all the time. Kova and Madeline might ride us to the ground, they might push us to the brink until our bodies are ready to collapse, but they aren’t like him. Not even close. Kova got into it quite a few times with him because Kova didn't agree with his method of training. He was the kind of coach you hear about in the news."

We had two more laps to go. I was so parched. Thighs tight, my lower back ached each time my feet hit the asphalt. I needed water soon.

"So are you really going to ignore the massive elephant in the room?" Reagan said.

I groaned inwardly. Fuck. My. Life. I knew this was coming.

"I mean, you couldn't have expected me not to question you. I told you I'm nosy."

"And what do you do with the dirt you have on people?"

She tapped her temple, her head twitched to the side. "I keep it in the vault."

"Until you need to use it," I shot back.

"You either ride or die, Adrianna."

Reagan was cunning. I couldn't fault her for that, but I still thought carefully before I spoke. A sharpness cut through my chest and I took a deep breath to expel the pain, hiding it as much as I could from her.

"What do you want me to say? That I like our coach? Okay. Fine. I do. He's gorgeous as hell and he's got the body of a Greek god. You can't tell me you don't think so."

"Oh, I think he's sex on a stick, but that doesn't mean I'm going to bone him."

She went for the jugular. "I'm not boning him, Reagan."

We’d finally reached the end of the eighth lap and slowed down. Using the back of my hand, I wiped the sweat dripping down my face. Reagan took a few moments to breathe before she spoke again.

"Everyone likes him, Adrianna. But people don’t react the way you did the other day if they weren’t invested. Don’t bullshit me."

Panting, I asked, "Why did you do it? Why did you help me?"

She shook her head and shrugged, staring ahead like she was asking the question herself.

"I don’t know. I guess I had a moment of compassion and felt bad, which I rarely do. If people have the cognizance to make the stupid decision in the first place, they can handle the outcome. You knew what you were doing, but for some dumb reason I can't explain, I felt bad."

"What happened to you?"

"What do you mean?" She looked at me, perplexed.

"You're so cynical. Unforgiving. Something had to happen to make you this way."

"I was born a bitch with a monstrous chip on my shoulder, Adrianna."

When I gave her a pointed look she continued. "Okay, fine. Let’s just say when your ambition and means don’t exactly align it can change a person. Harden them. I have the talent and drive to surpass this place"—she nodded toward the gym in general—"but my parents don’t exactly have the funds for more than this. And I want more. I got my full ride to a Division One college. And I got it by letting nothing and no one stop me." She arched a brow, as if to point out that I'd been doing the opposite.

I understood her underlying message. She hadn’t let anyone get in her way, especially me. She was a girl after her own dreams.

"By the way, we're not having a powwow here. I'm just telling you like it is this one and only time because of your sexcapades with our coach. Believe me, it won't happen again."

I laughed. "You can be such a bitch sometimes."

"I am what I am."

I knew we'd never be best friends, but I now viewed Reagan in a different light. She had to grow a thick skin to stay afloat so she wouldn't sink and drown. I knew that feeling. It didn't excuse her being a bitch, but at the same time I understood why she was the way she was.

Midway through floor practice, I couldn't hide the throbbing in my ankle anymore. It was a low and dull heat, tingling with little sparks, but enough for me to suck in a quiet breath through my teeth at the end of a tumbling pass and limp back to the end of the line.

"Go get your tape, Adrianna," Kova ordered.

I turned around to respond but did a double take. There was a pinkish knot at the top of his forehead with a slight indentation where the corner of my notebook must've hit him. I hadn't noticed it when we’d come back in from running, but now that it'd been a few hours, I saw it as clear as day. He was going to have a bruise from it.

I pursed my lips together and fought a smile. Victory.

"Adrianna." His voice was firm this time. I looked at him and his eyes dropped to my feet. "Get your tape." I stared at him for a few seconds then subtly nodded. "And no Motrin," he shouted when I walked away.

I mumbled under my breath and ignored him. I applied the same mentality to him as he did to me—what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

Quickly, I reached for the side pocket of my bag and popped two little orange pills, then I reached above to the shelf and grabbed my coconut water. Swallowing, I recapped the container and then dug through my duffle bag for my tape when my hand caught the corner of something.

The notebook.

Again.

I was going to murder him.

Irritation filled my veins. He must've snuck it in while we ran laps. I had a fierce urge to open it and see what Kova wrote, but I knew if I did it would consume me. Enrage me.

Oh, who was I kidding? There was no way I could go all day and not read it. Flipping it open, I noticed there were two new entries. I went to the second to last one first.

I am eternally sorry. I know you do not want to speak to me, but you need to know this was not what I wanted.

For a split second I felt bad for throwing the notebook at him, until I remembered that he breathes lies. Lies. Lies. Lies. It was all that I processed. He was trying to fix his fuck-up and feed me lies he thought I'd eat up. Who did he think he was? Did he think I’d be so easy and fall for his bullshit again? Arrogant Russian.

I flipped the page to the next entry.

If gymnastics does not work out, you should look into shot put.

Shot put? What the hell was shot put? Probably some Russian game no one's heard of.

I shut the book with a grimace and threw it back into my locker. I slammed the door and made sure it was locked, then walked back into the gym with an icy expression on my face.

I sat down on the blue carpeted floor and brought my knee up. The tape was precut, so I tore off three pieces as Kova came over and kneeled in front of me. The jerk smelled delicious but I refused to look at him. I handed him the tape and leaned back, giving him my foot while I watched as my teammates practiced on floor.

Kova had one hand on my heel as he flexed my foot and pointed my toes with his other hand.

"Any pain?" he asked.

"Nope."

His hand slid up my calf and gently squeezed the sore muscle. "What about here?"

"Nope."

He squeezed a little harder. "Now?"

"Feels great." I bit out, still not looking at him.

Then, he went for my Achilles. Literally. Kova pinched the back of my injured ankle, not hard enough to hurt me, but enough to garner a reaction. My nostrils flared, and I ground my back teeth together.

"How is this?"

"Feels fine."

"I bet this feels great too," he shot at me, pinching a little tighter.

My toes curled in pain. "Perfect, Coach. Just like that knot on your big head."

Kova froze, and I smiled, feeling a little triumphant. The only things that moved were his piercing green eyes that shot straight through me. I looked at him, still grinning. I didn't move. I didn’t blink. I didn't hint at any other feeling. Just stared right through him and showed him how things were going to be from now on.

Without saying anything, he taped my foot, stretching the elastic just enough to help alleviate the pain, then stood. He placed a hand out, but I got up on my own.

"Get back in line," he said.

"Yes, Coach."

I'D SKIPPED TUTORING, had a small lunch, and worked through the rest of the day until sundown. I didn't have an appetite, but I knew I needed to eat something, so I forced myself to eat a "healthy" fatty protein bar. Shit was not good for you, but keeping my mind off things was key, and if I had to forgo some school work and eat garbage, then so be it.

Even now as I waited for Kova to finish up so we could start the blading, I wasn’t hungry, but I had a raging headache and my bones ached so bad they felt brittle. My cheeks were tinged pink and I felt hot. The Motrin didn't do shit for my fever, but I pushed myself and kept my focus on point.

I yawned. I was most likely dehydrated, tired, and in need of sleep.

As I sat there in an old leo with chalk covering my body, I stared blankly at the wall and thought about how none of us really had time to rest. Not even the coaches. We were all focused and determined. I took every one of their orders and critiques with tight lips. Anything they said to do, I did. They hadn't criticized me for mistakes today, which was a first.

I glanced at the clock, wondering how much longer I’d be waiting, when Kova strode out. Our gazes met, and he let me see the sorrow he'd hidden all day.

"Ready?" he asked. I nodded and stood, feeling each step shooting through my bones as I followed behind him down the hall to the therapy room. Kova flipped on the lights and I walked toward the table and climbed up, waiting, watching. Just going through the motions.

He moved so quietly, meticulously, as he unwrapped the tools. He too was covered in chalk, his hat backwards, his back so beautifully shaped and strong. There was something intriguing about just watching him. Kova moved a tool to the side and the gleam of his wedding band reflected under the bright lights.

Air constricted in my throat. Emotion threatened to pour from me. We were alone, and the devastating, glinting symbol reminding me that he was taken gutted me. I wanted to ask him not to wear it around me, but that would show that I cared, and I was trying to act like I was indifferent.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"You looked pale today, Adrianna," he said with his back still to me.

I rolled my eyes and stayed quiet, inhaling my feelings. Either he was dense or plain ignorant if he couldn't see how his actions had affected me.

When I didn't respond, he glanced over his shoulder. I just stared at him with an unreadable look on my face and an empty pit in my chest.

My head was all sorts of fucked up.

"Did you hear me?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Yes," I said, keeping my voice low.

Kova turned around and leaned back against the counter. We stared at each other, so many unspoken words hung in the air between us. He was itching to talk, but I didn't care what he had to say.

"You worried me today."

I didn't respond, just stared. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the counter behind him.

"So this is how it is going to be?" he asked.

"What do you think, Coach?"

Kova's jaw flexed, and his chin dipped deep and slow like he was aggravated. "Turn over," he ordered.

Turning around, I got on my stomach and propped myself up on my elbows. I felt my entire body sink like a stone with fatigue. Luckily this would only last fifteen minutes and then I could leave. I had my night planned out. Eat, shower, sleep. That way I wouldn't have time to think about anything.

Kova stood at the end of the table and pulled the tape off my calf and heel. He applied salve and massaged it into the sore muscle.

"Do you hurt anywhere?"

"No."

"I need an honest answer from you, Adrianna."

I stared at the white wall. "I have no pain, Coach."

His hands paused. "Why are you calling me Coach?"

"Because that's what you are."

"I have never just been Coach to you."

I kept my voice neutral and steady. "Well, that's what you are to me now."

His hands slowly moved up my calf like he was deep in thought. "I know you are angry with me, but I do need to know if your Achilles is acting up."

"Okay."

"Adrianna, I did not go through training for you to give me one-word answers and lie to me." His accent was so much stronger when he was annoyed. "I spent time and money learning to do this for you. It is important that I know."

There was so much I could say, but I wasn't going to.

"Okay, Coach."

Kova clucked his tongue under his breath. His hands pulled away and I heard the steel of the tools clash together. I knew he was frustrated with me.

Welcome to my life.

The chill of the metal touched my skin and I took a deep breath. This was going to suck, but on the plus side, I'd be ready and healed from the treatment for the meet this weekend.

Kova ran the concaved blade up and down my skin, pressing and smoothing out the calf muscle. After a few minutes, he said, "You are all red and inflamed." I didn't say anything. He moved down to my ankle and scraped around the hollow spots. "You are all gritty here…"

Kova didn't hold back, not that I expected him to, as he dug and cut into my skin like he was carving stone with a butter knife. I chewed the inside of my lip as I replayed my routines over and over in my head to block out the searing fucking agony. I swear, God hated me.

"You will be sore when I am done. Tomorrow we will go a little lighter with practice."

No, I needed the practice, the focus to take my mind off all the shit around me. "I'll take extra Motrin. Problem solved."

Kova paused. "You know you cannot have that while you are doing the plasma injections. No anti-inflammatory medication at all."

Shit

I'd forgotten I couldn't take it and I’d been eating it by the handful. When I didn't say anything, Kova tapped my leg with his instrument.

"You have not been taking it, right, Adrianna?"

"Nope," I lied.

He went back to treating me, this time pushing a little harder. I didn't flinch, but it hurt so fucking bad.

"You are lying to me."

"I'm not."

I glanced over my shoulder and watched him. Focused, Kova's perfectionist fingers peppered over the instruments. His thumb slid up and down the edge of one tool I remember his sexy doctor friend, Ethan, said is more defined to get deeper into the grooves to even out overworked spots. Basically, it was going to be agonizing.

His bright platinum wedding band clashed with the dull silver and I glanced away.

I wish I didn't spot it every time I looked at him now.

"If you take any kind of anti-inflammatory meds, you will hinder the growth and recovery of your Achilles."

I was going to throw out every bottle in my condo when I got home. I may have made some questionable choices when it came to my love life, but I wasn't that dumb when it came to my health. I didn't want to further worsen my injury, but I had forgotten not to take it. Taking Motrin was like drinking water to me.

"I know you have it in your bag, and probably a bottle in your truck. I want them before you leave."

"Okay."

"Stop taking them," he said.

"I said I wasn't taking them."

"You are a terrible liar."

"I'm sorry. I'm not as well versed in the field of playing with people's emotions and lying to them as you are."

"That was a low blow, Ria."

"Adrianna. Call me Adrianna."

He waited a long minute before responding. "You make me out to be a monster," he said, sounding distant, and I despised my traitorous heart for feeling bad.

"You're two-faced. You did this to yourself. Now let's just get this over with so I can go home."

"We need to make time to talk. There are things you do not know."

"No. There's really nothing to talk about at this point. You lost your chance when I found out the way I did. You should've had the decency to respect me, but then again, you're Kova, and only care about yourself. From here on out, unless it's during practice and about gymnastics and my future in gymnastics, I don't want to speak to you at all."

He continued scraping around my ankle. "You cannot ignore me forever."

"I can."

"You are my gymnast—"

"And we only have to talk here or at meets." I paused. "Don't push me on this, Coach."

I rose up higher on my elbows and looked over my shoulder, letting my unsympathetic glower show him I wasn't playing around. At least I got one look correct today.

When push comes to shove and you're thrown off a bridge into a dark and frigid world of hurt, you find out how dirty you’ll fight to keep your head above water. I wasn't wild and free anymore. I was a slave to myself and I trusted no one.

I would recover, but I'd never forget.

For once, Kova respected me and did exactly what I’d asked. At practice, we kept the focus on the sport and training. No heated glances, no inside jokes, no lingering touches. He had listened, adhered to my wishes, and never once pressured me to talk to him. At night, he stayed home and didn't make midnight appearances at my condo like he had so many times in the past. I was secretly relieved because the moment I got home until I went to bed, I drowned myself in an endless pool of tears.

I could hardly sleep despite how fatigued I was. If it wasn't the exhaustion, it was the coughing that kept me up. Some nights I sat in a ball under a hot shower and sobbed, and in turn it would help ease the itch in my lungs. When I wasn't crying, I was in my head trying to figure out how naïve I was to miss that he'd gotten married. The only thing that came to mind was the night he’d been texting me when he was drunk and I’d thought it was cute. Now I didn't think that so much.

I didn't understand why I couldn’t just move on, or why when I stepped over the threshold at my condo and the mask fell that the tears would come seconds later. Who knew someone could be so empty inside and still cry their eyes out from holding everything in?

In the mornings I used an ice pack to bring down the swelling and all sorts of expensive creams to reduce the puffiness under my eyes. I even wore concealer to hide behind, something I'd never done. Wearing makeup to practices and workouts never made sense until this week. Makeup helped me hide the ugly truth.

About midway through the week I started to notice that Kova hadn't ridiculed me once during all the time we trained. And considering we spent close to ten hours a day together, it was noticeable. He didn't force me to do extra conditioning, he hadn't yelled at me, hadn't made me do my routines or skill over so many times to the point I lost count. He wasn't acting like his usual, dickhead self, and that concerned me.

Thing was, I might not have liked his dickish ways at first, but now I was used to it and I found that I thrived on it. So the fact that it stopped all of a sudden and I wasn't getting the same treatment I had been concerned me. It made me feel like he'd either gone soft on me, or just didn't give a shit about my career in this sport any longer.

He stayed focused and only spoke to me when we practiced, and when he trained someone else, he never looked in my direction. Usually I could feel his eyes on me, but not anymore. His eyes, though, had lacked the dazzling green I used to know and had come to love. He looked grim most of the week with dark circles under his eyes, but I chalked it up to him being worried about the upcoming meets and how critical they were for all of us.

I wanted so badly to ask him what his deal was, but that would require actually speaking to him alone, and I didn't want to. I didn't want to show him concern or give him the chance for the conversation to go in a different direction. If I did, then I would weaken and cave. I didn't want to do that when I was struggling already to keep it together on the outside.

By late Thursday afternoon it was starting to bother me, especially since I had a meet coming up in less than two days. Madeline wasn't even riding me, and between both of them, my stomach was churning with self-doubt. I was past the point of being stressed out and was now slipping with insecurity. I felt like I wasn't doing enough, but I still refused to speak to him, so instead I pulled out the notebook and asked him one question.

Why are you being soft on me? I don't like it. Push me like you used to.

I slipped the notebook into his desk drawer, not expecting a response that night, but much to my surprise, he had replied before practice ended and left it in my bag. Thank goodness I'd read it at home and not before I got into my truck, because not only did I reread his previous note saying he was eternally sorry, the one he'd written before I’d thrown the book at his head, but his new, stupid response made me tear up.

You do not need it. You have been practicing better than ever before. I am in awe and cannot wait to see you compete this weekend.

As I sat on my bed fighting the urge to text him, my phone vibrated in my hand. I frowned, not recognizing the number and let it go. After listening to the voicemail, I realized it was my doctor calling from a different phone number. It sounded a little urgent so I called back immediately, only to get sent to their voicemail. I'd call her back again tomorrow.

I stared at my phone, debating whether to send Kova a text or not. He wasn't the type to lighten a workload when things were going well. Easy was not in his vocabulary. It was always go, go, go, especially during meet season. For him to write what he had did nothing to ease my worries. The last thing I needed was mind games before a competition, and Kova was king when it came to them. Taking the notebook, I shoved it into my nightstand and slammed the drawer shut.

Against my better judgment and my previous "No Contact" rule, I started to text Kova, but right before I hit send, a raging headache tore through my skull and the pressure in my eye sockets ached from the light in the room. It pierced right through me, and I gasped so hard I started coughing. I threw my phone down on my bed and immediately got up to turn out the lights.

Ten minutes later I was almost writing in agony. The headache was so severe that my entire body felt heavy and sore. I could barely move. I couldn't focus on anything but the searing pain, which only intensified as the seconds passed.

I gave up and called Kova. Not texted. I needed help quickly and I knew he'd have an answer. He better, since I couldn't take Motrin like I wanted to.

He picked up on the second ring. "Adrianna?" His voice was groggy.

"I'm sorry to wake you, Coach, but I need your help."

"What is wrong? Are you okay?"

His tone turned to concern. I heard some shuffling in the background and Katja speaking in Russian.

"Yes, I'm okay, but I need to ask you a question."

"Okay. Hang on." Kova’s voice was muffled for a second as he spoke off to the side, responding to his wife. "What is going on?" he asked.

"I didn't want to call, but I have an excruciating headache that came out of nowhere and my body is aching. Even my joints hurt so bad. I know you said I can't take any anti-inflammatory, but what can I do? I have a cold wet rag on my head but it's not helping. I think I have the flu."

"Why do your joints hurt?"

"I don’t know, they just do."

"That is not normal, Adrianna. You have not done anything extra or out of the ordinary this week. Your body should not ache so badly."

I clenched my eyes shut. "I'm well aware of that. Thanks." I deadpanned. "Can I take Tylenol? What about Excedrin?"

"I would rather you not take any of that. Do you happen to have Epsom salt?"

"I don’t know, let me go look."

"While you are looking, why are you up so late? You should be sleeping. Your body needs the rest."

I walked into my bathroom and squatted down to look under the sink for the bath salts without turning the light on. I shuffled some things around, but it was too dark to read labels.

"I'm tired, but I just can't sleep," I replied.

"But you have to try. You have practice in five hours."

"Yeah, I know."

When I couldn't find the salt, I flipped on the light and instantly felt sick. I groaned, holding my stomach, praying I didn't start vomiting. I almost dropped my cell phone.

"What was that?" he asked, worry in his voice.

"I had the lights off because of the headache, but I think I'm sensitive to the strong glare or something because this has been happening lately. When I turned the bathroom light on, it shot straight through me." I resumed looking and found it. "Got it. It says Epsom salt with soothing lavender…" My voice trailed off. I don’t remember buying this.

"Perfect. I want you to take a lukewarm bath with the salt, nothing scalding hot that will burn your skin. Turn the lights off and light some candles. Lord knows you have plenty," he mumbled.

Sadness streaked through me at that. He did know me. I did have a lot of candles around my condo, almost on every surface.

"No medicine, though?" I asked, hopeful.

"No. You need to stop relying on that stuff anyway. You take far too much and are going to destroy your organs. I told you that you looked pale—"

Before Kova could continue, he was cut off by Katja. She was shooting off in Russian and speaking a mile a minute. Her voice rose, the pitch getting higher and higher. Kova cut her off and their voices became muffled.

They were arguing like they always seemed to. I could slightly sympathize with Katja. Slightly. It was late at night and another woman was calling her husband. If it were anyone else, I could understand her issue, but I was his gymnast, so I wasn't sure why she sounded so irate. I needed help, and he had to give it to me.

My stomach knotted and I tried to focus on something other than the cramps when I caught sight of a large clump of hair on the floor. My fingers pressed into the side of the tub. There were a lot, and I wondered how I hadn't noticed them before. I reached for my hair and tunneled my fingers through it, slowly pulling until I reached the end. Opening my hand, I saw that more strands had fallen out.

A door slammed through the phone and then Kova was back. It sounded like he was putting a few cubes of ice into a glass and for some strange reason I found something intimate about it.

"You know how you looked pale on Monday?"

"Yes. I know. You told me. What would you like me to do? Wear blush?"

He sighed into the phone. "Why do you get defensive?"

"I don't get defensive. I just don't care that I look pale. I'm not trying to impress anyone anyway, so what does it matter?"

"You are not sleeping, and your body aches when it should not. You do not look well. Do not blame me for being concerned."

I changed the subject. "How long do I soak for?" I didn't look well for a reason, and we'd done this song and dance before. I was not going back to it.

"Until it gets cold."

"Hang on," I said. I grabbed my candles, lit them, then stripped my clothes off and got into the tub. "I hate baths, by the way."

"I never understood why women take them, to be honest," he said. "You are soaking in your own filth."

A sad laugh unexpectedly rolled off my lips. "That’s how I see it too. I would never take one if I didn't have to." I realized I was laughing with him and hardened my heart again.

"You put in what you have to now, even if you hate it, and you will be successful. Time, pain, your body. Your mind. It will all be worth it. One day you will wake up and ask yourself how you did it. Kak vy popali iz tochki v tochku A v tochku Z, got from point A to point Z. You will look back and question yourself over and over, and it will baffle you because you really will not know. You will feel good that you did not give in when shit got rough. I do that now. I have no idea how the hell I accomplished what I did. I cannot answer it, it is all a blur, but what matters is that I achieved my goals. You will feel the same way one day. I do not know of any pro athlete who regrets putting in the work. The result makes it all worth it."

I swallowed, thinking about what he said. I'd already spoken to him enough and gave him too much of my time.

Softly, I said, "I'm gonna go now. I'm sorry for waking you up, and I'm sorry for Katja getting mad. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait."

I paused, waiting, breathing hard but slow. I should hang up.

"Bye, Coa—"

"I did not go soft on you this week." He quickly got out. "You trained exceptionally well. Better than ever before. If I felt for a second that you needed more, you should know by now that I would never hold back, regardless of what happened between us. Inside World Cup, we are coach and athlete. Nothing more. Outside those doors, we are a big fucking mess that makes no sense. If that makes me an asshole, then so be it. I do not give a fuck. We already knew I was anyway. But I know what this, gymnastics, means to you. I would never take that from you. Ever. If anything, I would only push you harder."

I heard him take a sip of something and place his glass down. We were supposed to have nothing but honesty between us from the beginning, and now I questioned every word that left his sinful lips. He pacified me with fabricated words and feelings I craved from someone who I thought cared about me.

Lifting the stopper with my toes, I let the water drain and said, "I'll see you tomorrow afternoon. Bye, Coach."

I chalked up my hands then spit on my palms before submerging them back into the huge chalk bowl once more. I moved them around under the mound of powdery chalk to build up a thick coat, clapped my hands together, and then pulled on my grips. Leaning my face into my shoulder, I coughed.

With vault under my belt, I had three rotations left for this competition: Bars, beam, then floor.

I was in first place after one rotation, which wasn't really a surprise. Vault was my specialty, and very few gymnasts could do what I could with a clean landing. I was only two-tenths away from a perfect score, but I'd take it. I had worked hard for that vault, no one was going to take it from me.

"Do you want me to spot you?" Kova asked when he walked up to the bowl.

I shook my head, flexing my fingers to make sure my grips were on just right. "Nope. I got this."

"Are you sure? I can be there if you need me, or if you would rather Madeline, she can as well."

It would be nice to fuck with Kova and have Madeline in his place, but I wouldn’t go there. This was too important for both of us to play childish games.

"I'm good, Coach. Thanks," I replied as if I was talking about the weather.

Kova stared at me for a long moment, not blinking once. "Okay. If that is what you want."

"What I want never matters." With a saccharine smile, I walked away.

I was surprised by how much Kova had backed off. He hadn't so much as been flirty, or shown me a sarcastic side of him, and he hadn't given me any encouraging pep talks before each event. Even though I did sort of miss those little moments with him, I was relieved. It was helping me focus.

Between arriving at his house last night with the team, flying out of state, to now, we’d spoken maybe five words to each other. That showed me he had at least an ounce of respect for my boundaries.

Baby steps.

Reagan landed her dismount, her feet slamming into the mat. Chalk rebounded around her calves as she saluted the judges.

Taking a deep breath, I walked onto the mat and stared at the uneven bars, visualizing my routine. I let everything roll off my shoulders and exhaled what little nerves I had left.

My dismount was more difficult than Reagan's, but her routine had a slight edge over mine. It really came down to execution. Come next week, though, I had planned to add another element or two and a change to my dismount that would kick up my difficulty score by a lot. Once I mastered those skills, which shouldn't take more than a week, I'd outrank my teammates on vault and bars. I also had plans to add one more tweak to my floor routine that would put me in a league of my own.

Until then, now was the time to risk it all and do whatever it took to prove I had it in me to go the extra ten miles.

The judges gave me the green light and I raised my arms. Clearing my mind, I mounted the low bar. I had approximately forty seconds to complete seventeen skills effortlessly while floating from one bar to the next. With pirouettes and twists, and multiple release moves paired together for extra points, I pushed hard and moved freely and elegantly between the six-foot-width distance. My form was tight, with my body elongated in handstands, and toes pointed. I prepared for my dismount, tapping hard to gain momentum, and released on my second rotation. I soared through the air, flipping backwards and twisting, knowing in the back of my head I had to reach a height and distance acceptable for max points. Spotting the ground, I landed, sticking my dismount with both feet together. I swallowed, saluted the judges, and finally exhaled.

I felt good, really good.

Trying to catch my breath, I walked off the mat and peeled back the Velcro strips of my grips and replayed my routine, wondering if anything was off. I stepped down from the platform, shoving one grip and wristband under my arm when Kova rushed up to me with wide, wild eyes.

I glanced up and my movements slowed. Dread filled my stomach. Shit.

"How bad," I croaked.

His brows furrowed and he pulled back. "Bad? No." He almost laughed. "Not bad at all."

"Then why do you look so panicked?"

"I am speechless."

I pulled off my other grip and walked around him toward my duffle bag. "Your words are not matching your expression," I said sarcastically. "I hate when you get like this."

He brushed my comment off. "Between vault, and now bars, I just have never seen you perform so… incredibly."

I looked at him in confusion. "I've done well at previous meets, though."

"Yes, but not like this. This is perfection. This is not holding back. This is showing no fear. This is flawless and impossible to look away from."

His eyes were wide, luminous from excitement. I watched him pace as he spoke like he was in awe of my performance. A sliver of excitement curled in my veins. I felt his pull, the energy radiating off him. I looked at him and I knew I wore the same zealous look in his eyes. We were both bursting with triumph, though still reserved.

"Oh…thanks," I said, and went back to my duffle bag.

His eyes narrowed. Just as Kova opened his mouth to speak, the crowd exploded around us. My back straightened with his and we glanced around trying to figure out why they were roaring.

Kova's lips parted. I couldn't remember a time seeing his jaw slowly fall or his eyes enlarge like that. I followed his gaze and looked ahead.

Oh.

Oh.

Next to my name, and the event, was my score.

I almost didn't believe what I was seeing. I blinked again and looked.

I'd scored the maximum points allowed. For the first time, I'd gotten a perfect score, and I didn't know how to react, but Kova sure did.

He threw his arms in the air, his hands in fists like he’d just crossed a finish line. He spun around, looked down, and immediately caged me in a tight hug and hoisted me up.

"I told you. Flawless," he said, so damn happy in my ear. I had no choice but to go with it. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest I could feel it hitting mine. "You got a perfect score, and the first perfect score of the elite season. Do you have any idea how big this is?"

Jaw slacked, I shook my head in disbelief. A perfect score was a big deal, I just didn't know how to process such an achievement.

"Wow," I said under my breath.

He yanked me back, perplexed. "Wow? That is all you can say?" I glanced at the scoreboard again and felt the faintest smile tip the corner of my lips. "I am so damn proud of you," he said, pulling me back in for a hug so tight I grunted, then he put me down. My teammates and Madeline came over and high-fived me, congratulating me, and then we moved on to the next rotation.

I had to admit, it felt good to be the first elite of the season to obtain a perfect score, but I wasn't going to get my hopes up. Getting a score like that, where I maxed out on both the difficulty and execution categories, took a ton of effort and was not often seen twice from a gymnast at the same meet. It wasn't unheard of, just almost impossible to attain.

Floor came next, my favorite event. I decided I wasn't going to watch my team or anyone for that matter while I waited and warmed up.

"Do you need anything," Kova asked, walking up to me. Energy was radiating off him. "Feel confident?"

I shook my head and pursed my lips together. "I'm good."

Hands on hips, he squared his stance. "Perform like you have nothing to lose."

"I don't," I responded quickly. "I have nothing to lose. I'm going to do whatever it takes."

"Do not forget to smile."

I flashed a fake smile and his eyes twinkled. I wouldn’t forget. Gymnastics was the whole reason why I smiled. Patting on a little chalk between my thighs and then some on my hands, I exhaled a tense breath and mentally prepared when I heard the warning sound.

Walking around Kova, I walked up the steps and onto the blue carpeted floor, toes pointed, I took my position and felt my soul come alive.

Floor was my absolute favorite. I'd done this routine hundreds of times and could perform it in my sleep. Now I was going to show the gymnastics world just how much I loved this sport, how much it meant to me, all with a healthy dose of cockiness. If I was going to win this event, I needed to prove it with a little sass and pride. I was going to move the world with my body.

The music chimed and I blocked out the background noise, letting my body take over. Through muscle memory, all those dreadful ballet classes, and hours upon hours of practice, I released every fiber in me. I danced light on my toes from corner to corner, allowing my passion to shine through. Balletic, effortless grace, whimsical body lines. With floor, it forced me to feel emotions whether I wanted to or not, and I needed that. I needed that release.

Leaping through the air, my heart flew higher than my body, and when I completed a neck-breaking tumbling pass, I didn't have to force myself to smile. My entire face lit up with happiness. I could feel it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. If only I could share with the world how I felt inside when I performed. It was indescribable. It was a natural high and a rush like nothing else.

Ninety seconds later, I was ending my custom floor routine that left me more out of breath than usual but feeling incredible nonetheless.

I saluted the judges then walked off the floor. Madeline gave me two high fives and praise followed by my teammates. I took such a deep breath that a sharp pain shot through my chest, but I ignored it. Squatting down, I took out a carton of coconut water from my bag. My mouth was so dry I downed all of it.

I was still so thirsty and rummaged through my bag for another bottle when Kova’s shoes appeared in my view.

"Everything okay?"

I glanced up. "Yes. Why?"

"You are frantically searching your bag."

"I'm just looking for my water…" My voice trailed off. "I thought I had another bottle of water in here." I stood up and looked around for the big cooler with paper cone cups that was kept at each event.

I turned around to tell Kova I'd be right back, but he was already walking away. He stopped in front of his belongings and reached down.

I gnawed on my bottom lip. He was going to give me his drink, I knew it, but I didn't want him to. I knew the thought was stupid, but I didn’t want anything extra from him, even if it was something as simple as water.

Kova walked toward me with his arm stretched out. My mouth watered just looking at it and I took it. I didn't say thank you, though. All I could do was look him in the eye, uncap it, and chug half of it in one gulp.

He took two steps closer and my heart kicked up a notch. Lowering his voice, he said, "You are poetic when you perform. The way your body moves, your lines, the way you feel the music." He shook his head like he couldn't believe what he was thinking. He seemed so far away. "The way you let go and feel the sport, it was almost—"

Kova pressed his lips together. Whatever he was thinking caused his voice to shift and pause. I watched him, his gaze longing, as if he was savoring the memory. I almost wanted him to finish.

He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Never mind. It is hard to tear my eyes from you. I could watch you for hours."

I scanned the large room of spectators, trying not to let my heart feel a thing when it came to his fake words anymore.

"Isn't that your job, Coach? To watch me?" I asked without looking at him.

He didn't say anything for a long while, and I finally looked at him.

"You just surprise me every day. Your performance was, once again, flawless."

I sucked on my lips so I wouldn't respond and squinted at the screen waiting on my score. In the past when the judges have taken long to release a score, it meant there were deductions, or they couldn't agree on something.

"What's taking so long?" I asked him, impatient. An ache began on the side of my waist, probably from anxiety, and I pressed on it in an attempt to ease it a little.

He looked over his shoulder at Holly. She still hadn't gone, but she knew better. Kova was adamant about the score being posted before the next gymnast competed. That way if he wanted an inquiry into the score, he could get one. If the next gymnast went, and a score came back for the previous gymnast after her rotation, he couldn't challenge it.

Finally, in what felt like an eternity, my score flashed above our heads just as I took a sip.

The crowd exploded all around us. Slowly, I pulled the bottle from my lips as goose bumps ran down my arms. I recapped the water while I stared in absolute shock.

Underneath my name was a perfect score. By some miracle, I'd gotten the maximum points allowed for execution and difficulty for my routine again. I’d had a feeling I'd done well, but I didn't think I’d done that well.

I blinked a few times, hoping it wasn't a deception of my mind. Two perfect scores were almost too good to be true, and I was dealing with exhaustion. Hallucinations were possible.

Kova yelled, actually yelled in excitement, and pumped the air with his fist. I almost laughed. I'd never heard him make a sound like that before or seen him fist pump. He turned around, squatting until he was my height, and grabbed onto my shoulders, giving me a little shake. His entire face lit up and he started speaking in Russian.

I felt the slight pull at my lips again. Kova, like every other coach with their gymnast, yanked me up into his arms and squeezed me into a tight hug for my perfect score.

"Coach… Coach!" I said, tapping his shoulder to get his attention.

"Yes! What?!"

"You're speaking in Russian. I can't understand you."

Kova drew back. He hadn’t realized he slipped into his native tongue and I found it comical. His eager green eyes sparkled under the arena lights and were full of adoration. There was a familiar stirring in my belly. I tried not to laugh, but it was impossible. I smiled and that produced an even bigger smile from him. In this room, Kova was happy, and for a brief moment, I was too.

Kova studied me. He threw his head back and a boisterous laugh roared from his chest.

"This is incredible! Two perfect scores! I am so proud of you!" he said, setting me down.

"Thanks," I replied, a little bashful. "I'm a little surprised."

"I am not."

He couldn't tear his eyes from me and his gaze lingered a little longer than usual.

"I gotta get ready for beam now," I said, and he nodded subtly. "I think Holly is waiting on you." Kova shot a glance over his shoulder, then back at me. "Okay. Your grin is starting to look creepy. Go see Holly." I joked.

"Wherever your head is at, keep it there. You are doing extraordinary."

"Easier said than done."

"I have complete confidence and belief in you. You may not see it, but you are far better than them. And I am not saying that just to bullshit you. When you let go and surrender yourself, you are absolutely magnificent."

Magnificent? Who said that anymore?

When I could feel the candid notes of his voice hit deep in my bones and wrap around me, it truly made me question who he was. It messed with my head. I wanted to believe Kova was a good person with a good heart, but in the back of my mind all I could see was his wedding band and the lies embedded into it.

An anxious feeling seeped into my blood stream and clung to me. I didn't like feeling his words in my heart, and that was what I needed to work on blocking out. His praise encouraged me to be the best version of myself. Inspiration increased the way energy brightened a room. Though, I knew this song all too well. Eventually the light would burn out, misery would set in, and the darkness would be the centerfold of my chest once again.

I sighed inwardly and regained my focus. My team rotated to the final event and I prepared mentally, releasing every anxious nerve and let go. Beam was all about controlling my thoughts and allowing muscle memory to step in. I needed to trust myself, but that was so much harder than it sounded.

Saluting the judges, I stepped onto the mat and placed both hands on the four-inch piece of wood that could make or break me. Grasping the apparatus, I steadied my soul and began.

Immediately, I moved into a series of required skills that took no more than ninety seconds. Agile leaps, smooth ballet steps that looked like I was dancing blindly, and combination skills that incorporated potentially paralyzing connecting flips. I remained focused despite the low pain throbbing under my ribs. Not one wobble or second of uncertainty. Not even when I completed triple twists on the tips of my toes. I was secure, without an ounce of trepidation, and it was liberating.

Standing at the end of the balance beam, all I had left was my dismount. I hurdled into a round-off back handspring, my feet pounding into the wood and my toes curling around the edge. I reached up to set up my dismount and pulled my knees to my chest, tucking tight to rotate backwards into a double back tuck. I spotted the ground and landed—both feet together, arms up—and squeezed every single muscle in my body.

But it wasn’t enough, and my heart sank.

I could feel how compelled my body was from the weight of my landing to take a step out to regain my position. I held my breath and squeezed every muscle as tight as I possibly could and saluted the judges to show that I’d stuck my landing.

It only lasted a few seconds, but those few seconds felt like nine months. I lowered my arms and intended to release a quiet breath, only it flew out of me with a huge huff. Surprisingly, the smile stayed on my face as I walked off the floor. Even if I didn't place on this event, I was happy with my outcome. I didn't feel like beam owned me anymore and that was a feeling that was indescribable.

Kova was waiting for me the moment I stepped down the stairs. Before I could say a word, he pulled me into a bear hug and squeezed me until I could barely breathe.

"Fantastika! Fantastika! Fantastika!" Kova said. "Ty sdelal neveroyatnoye!"

"Thanks, Coach." I smiled as he put me down.

Kova's eyes flickered for a brief moment like I’d insulted him, but I needed to keep it that way, even though I was starting to feel bad.

"If those judges do not give you the max points, I will file an appeal."

My brows shot to my hairline. I coughed, covering my mouth with the back of my hand. Stupid chalk in the air.

"I did that well?"

He looked at me like I spoke a language he didn't understand. "Yes. By far the best."

I was speechless. Kova never applauded me the way he had today. Occasionally he would here and there like he did with the other girls, but not after every event or to this extent. Either he was being nice and trying to soften me, or he was telling the truth.

I wanted to believe he was telling the truth if he said he was going to appeal it. That required a large sum of money on the spot, a write-up of my entire routine where my coach felt I should have received the maximum amount of points, and a viewing of the video. And it had to be done in four minutes flat. I'd never had that happen before, but I didn't think it would come to that.

Madeline and the team walked over and congratulated me, just as we did with all the girls.

"Nice job, Big Red," Reagan said, and I smiled. "I hope you beat Sloan." Sloan Maxwell was one of the top three elites and currently in first on beam. While I outranked her on the other three events, beam was her specialty.

I waited anxiously next to Kova, wondering if my splits hit one hundred eighty degrees, if my pause in between was too long for bonus connecting points, or if I had enough connecting acrobatic and dance skills. His arm wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me to his side. I thought nothing of this gesture, since it was another common thing among coaches.

Our heads were tilted up at the screen for the numbers. My hands were clasped in front of me, my fingers wrenched together and twisting with uncertainty while Kova stood stoically.

Finally, my score appeared on the screen overhead.

My heart dropped and I stepped back, stumbling on my toes. I stared in absolute shock, repeatedly blinking to see if I read the numbers correctly. I hadn't gotten the maximum points, but I didn't have many deductions and received the highest score due to the difficulty in my routine.

"You did it! Adrianna! You did it!" Kova said, shaking my shoulders excitedly. I'd never come in first in all four events at a meet, let alone at an elite meet.

He pulled me into a hug and kissed my cheek. My arms wrapped around his shoulders and I closed my eyes, dropping my face into the curve of his neck. We were the cliché coach and gymnast the way we cheered together. In this moment, I couldn’t hate him. In this moment, what happened to me, happened to the both of us, and it was something we should share together.

With his lips next to my ear, he said, "See what happens when you trust in yourself and let go? You shined out there. You pushed and pulled and got what you wanted through all the chaos, because you are fierce and wild and strong and have what it takes to go far. I knew you could do it."

Kova released me and Madeline walked up, pulling me into a hug next, but our connection was too strong to sever. We couldn't tear our eyes from each other, even as Madeline hugged me. Kova stared a minute longer and then turned away, taking my heart with him.

"Tell me, what was going through your mind?" Madeline asked, her eyes sparkling.

I paused, contemplating an answer. I became fearless after I'd become foolish, emotional, and on the verge of losing everything. I found strength because I had no choice. I did it, not just for myself, but for the one thing that kept me going—and feeling worthy enough since I was a child—gymnastics. When I hit rock bottom, it handed me the courage I was unknowingly holding back and armed me with the confidence I needed to attempt such a daring endeavor.

I looked at her and went with what was in my heart. "It's not just myself that I'm doing this for. I'm doing it for you guys too. I remembered who I was, what I wanted, and I changed the game."

Madeline cupped my jaw and smiled again. "Well done, sweetie."

"Well, that was impressive," Holly said. She'd walked up next to me and we began pulling on our sweats together.

"Thanks," I said, zipping up my duffle bag. "It's surreal, you know?"

"Oh, yeah. I bet it is. I can't imagine."

"What do you mean?"

A dim smile shown on her face. "I've never medaled in all four events in one meet before."

"Oh." I hadn't known that.

"It's not easy." She paused, acting a little covetous. "Congrats, girl."

I wasn't sure what to think of it other than I knew I needed to remain humble. Being knocked from medal contention would be devastating, which is what happened to Holly today.

Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I zipped up my sweat jacket and wiped the excess chalk from my hands. I watched my coaches and teammates walking ahead of us, and thought about how the series of events played out today. It was medal time, then after dinner we'd be boarding a plane to fly back home.

Kova peeked over his shoulder and our gazes immediately found each other's. A flutter started in my heart. He had his bag slung over his back, gripping the strap tightly in his fist. A moment passed between us, his green eyes filled with so much adoration that I stumbled. Even though I resented him, he was a still huge part of my accomplishment. I knew the right thing to do was to express my gratitude, even though it hurt me to.

A timid smile tugged at one corner of my mouth. I didn't want to give him an inch because he'd take a mile, but I couldn't not. I didn't have that in me, not today. Kova caught it and his shoulders relaxed. Nodding subtly, he turned around.

I knew success could go one of two ways: drown in darkness and lose yourself, or swim in the light and bask in the glory. It came from a series of events that I did consistently to reach achievement, but also one moment that would test me to the point of breaking. And that's what had happened. I'd been backed up against a wall with the anxiety of losing everything because of someone else's actions. No one could win for me. I had to win for myself. I had to want it bad enough. I had to drop everything and listen to that voice in my head that told me to give it my all. I couldn’t think about trying again tomorrow. I had to stay focused and worry about right now. So that's exactly what I did. I fought hard and gave it my all. I had what it took. I had the want, and I had the drive. I wouldn't let anything stand in my way.

It was going to take everything from me…

Just like Kova had.

I felt him before I saw him.

I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see Kova sauntering up to me. I raked my eyes down the length of his body, taking him in. Butterflies swirled in my stomach when he was around and that was not a good thing. It was downright tortuous. Talk about swagger. He was so fucking sexy and I hated that he had it in spades.

I looked away and fixed the rubber bands on my grips that held the straps back and played it cool. I didn't think I'd ever become immune to him, but we'd gotten better at keeping a platonic relationship with each other. Or at least I had thought so.

Kova stopped in front of me. He eyed me for a minute. Something was spinning in the back of his head.

"What do you say we change up your dismount on bars?" he suggested.

"What do you have in mind?"

"A blind full to a laid out full-out."

Eyes wide, my brows shot up. While a blind change was a popular combination right before the dismount to get a couple tenths bonus added—it was just changing the way I gripped the bar mid swing—the laid out full-out was what concerned me. I had been practicing it here and there, but I wasn't sure I was ready to incorporate it into my routine any time soon.

I was already doing a full-in—a double back tuck with a full twist. Now, he wanted me to do the same thing, except with a straight body. Both were difficult, but the laid out was much harder.

"You think I could do that? And change it midseason?"

His forehead creased as if I had asked him the dumbest question in the world. He didn't bother answering me.

"I also thought we could work on a layout Jaeger to an L-grip, then straddled Jaeger."

My jaw dropped. "As in one combination?" The L-grip was so awkward to use, not to mention difficult. And I wasn't sure I had the core strength for two Jaegers back-to-back.

He nodded, again giving me the same look like I was a raging moron. "I want to up the stakes and make you unbeatable on bars. Maybe throw in a hop full and stalder or two."

"So you want to completely change up my routine. Basically, you want to re-choreograph it."

I caught Reagan in the corner of my eye watching us, but I didn't pay her any attention.

Kova crossed his arms in front of his chest and glared at me. "Do you have a problem with that?" His voice was stern and authoritative.

My jaw bobbed. "No."

"Good." He clapped his hands together and walked away. Picking up a thick, mesh royal blue landing mat, he placed it in front of the high bar. The mat would absorb my landing and not create a shock from the impact. Perfect for the injury I was trying not to irritate even more.

"Let us get to work. I estimate, at most, a week for you to master this skill."

It was one thing to swap out a skill midseason. Most gymnasts will work skills during off-season and won't put them in until they build up their endurance. It was another thing completely to change my entire routine. If Kova wanted to do that, I would learn this dismount in three days flat.

"For this dismount, you need to stay completely hollow in the tap and not open up too soon. It will give the bar a bend, not a whole lot, so do not get too excited. But it will give your chest a nice pronounced arc position so when you kick, you will get the height you need in flight and be able to easily complete the rotation."

The women's bar hardly gave any bend or slack the way men's did, so it was harder to use the bar in the way we needed. We just had to work more for it.

"We will start with straight body double layouts. We need to get your timing right."

I nodded and headed over to the chalk bowl, where Reagan already was powdering up.

"Morning quickie?" she asked drily. Here we go. "I like morning quickies. In and out and you’re good for the day." She kept her voice low for only us to hear. "Looks like Kova had a good one with that pep in his step and all. He actually seems happy for once."

I pursed my lips together. "You must not be getting the right dick if you need pills to get you through the day."

She sneered. Thankfully she left and walked to another a set of uneven bars. Spraying the palms of my grips with water, I placed them in the powder and envisioned what I was about to do, then I clapped my hands to dust off the excess, only to repeat the motions two more times for good friction. The chalk floated in the air, tickling my nose.

Standing in front of the low bar, I looked at Kova, who stood behind the high bar to watch my landing. He was close enough to also train Reagan on the other set of bars next to me. She glared at us, resentment dripping from her for Kova giving me attention. I had to tune her out.

"You need a fast giant. That is going to be key here. Fast turnover for proper layout."

I nodded. Kova wasn't giving me any wiggle room. He wanted fast giants, but he was only allowing me to do two. Drawing in a big breath, I had to dig deep.

Mounting the low bar with a standard glide kip—body extended forward, hips flat—I quickly moved my legs to a pike position and my toes to the bar until my hips swung back. I dragged the bar to my shins and thighs and pulled up so my arms braced snuggly at my sides where I swiftly stood. Looking up, I reached for the high bar and completed another kip, casted to handstand, and tightened my body before circling down to complete two full three hundred and sixty degree rotations. Just as my feet passed the low bar, I tapped my toes, kicking them up hard to gain as much momentum as I could and released, performing two back flips with a straight body onto the soft landing mat.

"That was shit. Your legs separated, your hips were closed, and you did not have enough amplitude in flight, which resulted in your chest being low. Again."

I mounted again, and when I reached the high bar, I took a deep breath and swung down.

"Chest… Chest… Hollow out."

He said each word with each swing. I landed and it was better, though nothing to phone home about.

"Again. We need more of a scoop in your back swing. Once you are vertical, you can hyperextend your chest in the forward swing." He explained, using his hand, then he looked at Reagan as I chalked up again. I watched his face as he watched her, proud and pleased at her level of skill and execution.

Back up on bar, I did exactly as he instructed.

"Pay attention to your form. Your flyaway will look more beautiful and, more importantly, it will prevent injury. I know the urge to arch your back is there but resist it."

The urge was there. Just like the urge was there to whip my hips too, to stick my head out, to add another giant. There were so many things I wanted to do that I felt would help me, but in reality they would only set me back or give me deductions. Form was everything, but so was listening to my coach. All I had to do was listen to him the first time and it would all work out.

I nodded, feeling a tad more confident. Doing a double layout was nothing new to me—I'd done it before, I just didn't practice it often enough to incorporate it into my routine just yet, let alone adding a full twist.

Using his hand, Kova bent his fingers to represent my body. "Tap at about forty-five degrees horizontal and release. Toes pointed toward the ceiling when you release." His hand represented a partially opened L as he looked into my eyes and gave me instructions.

I nodded.

"You are not releasing after your tap. Do you want me to spot you?"

Though he had an eagle eye, it still blew my mind he could see that because I couldn't even feel that I didn't tap hard enough. Of course, I didn't want him to spot me, I wanted to prove I could do it on my own, but I also didn't like the idea of releasing so soon.

"Yes."

"Do you want to do it in the foam pit?"

"No, I can do it here."

By the gleam in his eyes, it was the answer he wanted, and deep down that made me feel good.

Kova moved to stand closer to me and it made me jump. "Relax for me," he whispered, and he placed one palm on my chest and the other on my upper back between my shoulder blades so they were parallel to each other. My hand brushed his thigh and I quickly moved it out of the way, lacing my fingers in front of me.

"Raise your arms." I put them above my head next to my ears. Kova pushed my back forward just slightly so my chest stuck out. "You will hyperextend your body in the forward swing so you are open"—he pushed my chest in and snapped it back—"and you will hollow out like this when you tap and release. Got it? Legs glued together, toes pointed, and lock your knees."

"Got it."

"It is very important to do as I say, otherwise you could land too short and risk an injury to your ankle or knee. That is the last thing we need after coming so far."

I nodded. Guilt hovered over me like a black cloud. If he only knew the kind of pain in my ankle I dealt with at night when I was home.

"I know."

"Spot the ground and land with your knees slightly bent, straighten them out, raise your arms, then salute."

"Got it."

I dropped my arms and Kova walked back toward the high bar where he stood with his legs open and ready for quick measure.

I dusted my hands with more chalk and processed what he said. Right before I mounted the low bar, I glanced up from the heavy weight of Kova's stare and met his eyes while picturing the skill in my head.

It was like he knew what I was thinking, because he comforted me by saying, "I will be right here spotting you."

My bottom lip rolled between my teeth and I nodded. Within a few seconds, because that's all it really took to get to the high bar, I sucked in a breath and cast to a handstand, listening exactly to what my coach said no matter how scared it made me. If my grip slipped and Kova missed catching me, which I highly doubted he'd let happen, at least I'd hit the soft-landing mat and it wouldn't be bad. As long as I didn't land on my neck. Trying a new skill the first couple of times was always nerve-wracking. I feared I'd miss the bar, or I wouldn't get enough height and hit the bar coming down, or that I'd panic midway and do something crazy. But having Kova standing there placed a level of security and encouragement I needed.

Two giants and I released when he told me to, feeling for the right timing. I spotted the floor in rotation, Kova prepped, ready to catch me with his arms raised in the air. A little nervous, I kept calm so I wouldn't freak out mid-rotation. I had to have faith in my coach and myself, even when I was terrified.

But I landed. On my own.

On. My. Own.

Excitement hit me hard and I immediately looked at Kova with a beaming smile. My landing was a little messy, but at least I did it. The first time was always the hardest and scariest.

Of course Kova didn't smile. In the gym he was on autopilot and incapable of feeling.

"Not too bad considering you are an elite, but nothing we could take to a meet, that is for sure. We need to perfect your timing. Get back up there and let us do it again."

I was still smiling. I was happy that I was able to do it the first time. When you let go of everything to make a courageous decision, you saw the greatest reward in gymnastics and gained the confidence to do more.

Kova playfully slapped my shoulder and pushed me in the direction of the low bar. His eyes lightened, and he said, "Go."

After completing so many double layouts that I lost track of the number, Kova was ready to move on to the next step. I was getting a little tired again, and for once, I was hungry, but I wasn't going to tell him that. We were on a roll and I didn't want to stop.

"I'm just going to grab some water and go to the bathroom. Is that okay?"

"Yes, just do not take too long."

I nodded then skipped out of the gym to the locker room. Shuffling through my bag, I searched for my little orange friends, when it dawned on me… I’d gotten rid of all the Motrin because of the treatment I had to my Achilles.

I groaned inwardly, annoyed as hell. I wouldn't last all day, not with how intense the pain already was. Maybe Kova had something I could have.

I went searching for Kova and found him standing by the bars. He looked down at me when I approached his side.

"Good. You are back."

"Um, actually…" I twisted my fingers together, hoping he wouldn't shoot me down. "Do you have anything I could have that's at least similar to Motrin? I know I can't take it, but my ankle is killing me and I have a headache."

"Follow me."

Thank goodness he understood how important anti-inflammatory was in a gymnast's life and didn't ridicule me for it. Eagerly, I followed behind Kova out of the gym and to his office. He opened the door and flipped on the light, then walked behind his desk where he opened a few drawers as I stood off to the side.

"I am glad you came to me instead of just taking them."

I gave him a tight-lipped smile. Just as he found the bottle, a light knock sounded and I turned to see who was there.

Katja.

"Konstantin," Katja said in a way of hello.

"Katja, what are you doing here?"

She tilted her head to the side, her eyes narrowing. "Did you forget we had a lunch date?"

Kova gave her a blank stare. He had clearly forgotten about their lunch date. Looking toward me, he threw the bottle in an underhanded throw and I caught it.

"Oh, Adrianna, I did not see you standing there." Her eyes raked down my body. I was in nothing but a leotard and covered in chalk. "Have you lost weight?"

I shifted on my feet and gave Kova a fleeting look of unease. "Uh, I've been working really hard and might have lost a few pounds, but I also put on some muscle mass," I lied. I mean, I was working myself to the bone, but I didn't think I had lost any weight.

She looked down at my hands, then toward Kova. "You give all the gymnasts medication?"

If she only knew the kind of pills he's given me.

"You do not know, and you will never understand, what a gymnast's body goes through. That"—he pointed toward me and I opened my palms, the bottle rolling in my hands—"is an athlete's elixir. They need it to survive in this world. Lord knows I still wake with pain every morning."

I had no idea Kova was dealing with the aftermath of being a professional athlete. He'd never once complained before or appeared to be in any sort of pain. More concerning, I also didn't understand the hostility in his voice toward her.

She looked toward the floor, her lips pursed tight in annoyance.

Kova glanced my way and gave me a look that said he needed to be alone with Katja. Kind of the way my dad would give me the look, the one every child never wanted to see from a parent.

"Ah, it was nice seeing you, Katja. I have to get back to practice."

She didn't respond.

I sent a silent thank you toward Kova and went back to the locker room. Once there, I read the label and grumbled. This was a natural remedy and probably not nearly as strong as the real stuff. Still, it was better than nothing. I popped a couple of pills and took a swig of coconut water, then shoved everything into my locker.

Hushed voices carried down the hall as I exited the locker room.

"But, Konstantin, you promised to have lunch with me," Katja complained.

"I am sorry, Katja, but I cannot leave now."

"Why not?"

"I am in the middle of training Adrianna on a new dismount. I cannot go."

Katja's voice hardened. "You have not spent any time with me in weeks, and whenever we do have plans, something always comes up. I am your wife. Why are you treating me this way? You treat me like I do not mean anything to you."

I tiptoed toward the door and hid behind the frame. I couldn’t help the curiosity.

"You have the audacity to walk into my gym and demand why I am treating you this way? You know why, Katja. You are not my wife, not in the real sense of it anyway. You forced this lie upon us. You forced my ring on your finger. I will never forgive you for making me do this." Kova's voice was laced with malice, causing confusion to swirl through my head.

"You never put me first and it is getting tiring."

"You feel like I put you last? That is because I am putting you last." The brutal honesty was startling. I cupped my mouth. "It is where you belong."

"You say I have audacity? Look at what you have done. At least I am putting effort in and trying to make it work." She sighed. "It is what it is, Konstantin, why not make the best of it? I am here, and, after all, I love you. At least give us a chance. You promised me all those years ago. We have always been destined to be together."

"You are okay being married to a man who is not in love with you, Katja?" Kova said with a hint of disgust.

My eyes widened. Nothing but absolute shock registered inside of me. It took a lot of nerve to tell a person they'd been with for years and years that they weren't in love with them. While I didn't think Kova was in love with Katja, I did think he loved her. He had to, even if just a little. No one married for shits and giggles.

Nothing made sense.

"In time you will see that we are meant to be. I am here, Konstantin. Right here, every single day, trying to do what is right. I love you and I want you. I know what I did was wrong, but I know you can forgive me, just like I have forgiven you for what you did. Your sins are far worse than mine. It will take time, but I believe we will be fine. So, do what you have to do. Take out your frustrations on me. Use me."

I stared at the floor, waiting in silence, hoping he wouldn’t actually use her.

"Fine. You want me to use you, Katja? Take off your clothes and get on your knees."

My stomach dropped. I should've known. Bile rose to my throat as I heard what I could only assume was the shuffling of clothes coming off. I needed to leave, but I couldn't stop listening.

"I will do whatever you want, Konstantin," she said, her voice brittle.

I couldn't help but wonder what had happened between them, and why Kova said that Katja forced his hand. It sounded like their whole marriage was a sham, and deep down I wasn't sure how I should feel about that.

"Do not talk."

His cold words were distant, and if I wasn't listening, or I didn't know the sound of his voice, I wouldn't have pegged that as Kova.

"Katja, we may have come to this country to build our life together, but things have changed. We both have changed, and nothing will ever be the same. Now, get me hard and open your mouth."

Thick gasps and Russian words whispered through the air. I had to get out of there, the sounds, their voices, their words, were making me ill. But what set me over the edge was the sound of grunting, followed by a soft yearn of a moan that reminded me of sex.

"Ty moya lyubimyy." He spoke only for her ears, his tone instantly reminding me of when he said prosti to me, and it made my heart drop.

I kept my eyes trained on the linoleum as I made my way back to the gym. I wondered how often Kova and Katja had sex in his office at World Cup during training hours.

My head was foggy, like I was trying to feel my way through a cloudy maze with no more than a foot of visibility in front of me. I didn't know what to think anymore other than it was all a game to Kova. It had to be. What he made me feel, he made Katja feel the same too. What he told me, he told her too.

He made me admit to myself that I loved him. It wasn't fair. It was vindictive and unforgiving.

Stepping back into the gym, I looked up and spotted Hayden. He gave me a tentative smile, but I couldn’t find it in me to return the gesture. I wasn't sure how long my coach's romp would be, so I decided to work on the double layouts on the high bar over the foam pit instead of on the uneven bars. I hated climbing out of that thing, but I didn't have my coach there to spot me.

I also wasn't in the right frame of mind to risk landing on the actual floor. So there was that.

Coming up from the pit, Hayden was there waiting with his hand out. He was covered in chalk and looking so cute. My heart dropped for the second time in less than an hour. I missed my friend.

"Thanks," I said.

"I see he's got you working on a new dismount."

"Yeah."

We stood there, studying each other. It shouldn't be this weird between us. Yes, I’d had sex with my best friend, but there was a whole other issue we had to deal with.

"Where's your coach?"

"He's on lunch break. Yours?"

"Banging his wife in his office." I rolled my eyes, trying not to show how hurt I was knowing what Kova was doing—that he would do that—right now.

Hayden's brows shot up and his eyes flickered with mischief. Stepping closer, his breath tickled the curve of my neck. "Meet me in the locker room?" he whispered.

I tilted my head just slightly. A deep blush filled my cheeks.

"Please, Aid. We should talk. Let me explain myself and then we can have a happy ending." He smirked and I got the hint loud and clear.

"Hayden," I whispered. "Anyone could walk in there."

"Come on, let's go."

I stopped him and got serious. "Only if you tell me the truth about you and Reagan. I tell you everything, so it's only fair you tell me about the pills."

He hesitated for a split second, then agreed. "It's not like I sell pills to tons of people." Hayden kept his voice low as we walked toward the lobby. "And I'm not a dealer by any means. I only sell to a handful of people, and one of them is Reagan. She gets Adderall to focus and painkillers I never use."

I looked around nervously. No one could hear us, but I was still paranoid. "Why can't she just go to the doctor to get it herself?"

"Because you can't just walk into a doctor's office and ask for specific medication, and from what she's told me, she's tried and has been refused. I get a small pharmacy of medication every month, so does Holly. I sell Reagan what I have."

We stepped into the lobby and Hayden took my hand in his, pulling me toward the locker room. Drawing closer to Kova's office door, I shot a glance in that direction, my heart instantly dropping into my stomach, twisting into a dozen knots when I heard something fall to the floor. I forced myself to look in the other direction. They weren't loud, but since we were right across the hall, and I knew what was happening, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it.

Swallowing thickly, I asked, "Does Holly know?"

"No, and she never will."

I shook my head as we stepped into the locker room. "But why, Hayden? Aren't you worried about being caught?"

"I need the money. There's a whole story you don't know about, and I'm not about to go into detail right now." His face hardened, telling me not to push him on the matter. "There was a time when Holly and I had to live with Kova and Katja. They took care of us until my parents and Kova could come to an agreement. We needed money and gymnastics doesn't allow for a part-time job, so I decided to do what I could and started selling my prescriptions."

My brows shot to my hairline. What else in the ever-loving hell went on inside the walls of World Cup that I didn't know about? Hayden and Holly lived with Kova? That was a huge bomb to drop with no time to process it, let alone ask questions.

"I'm not a bad guy," Hayden said, quietly shutting the door and turning the lock I never even knew was there.

"I never took you for a bad guy."

Hayden pushed me up against a wall and his gaze lowered. I left everything outside the locker room in that moment and closed my thoughts off. I had to if I was going to do this. Pressing his body to mine, he said, "I'm not hurting anyone. We need money to live, and this helps out. Did I answer enough questions?"

"I don’t agree with what you're doing, but I get it. I’d just rather not know about it."

"Deal," he said, then slanted his mouth over mine.

"Hayden," I whispered, breaking the kiss. "What if we get caught?"

"Don't worry. We won't. No one will know."

For a split second I got the feeling he'd done this before, but I dropped it because I didn’t want to fight with him again.

Oddly enough, he was prepared, condoms and all. It didn't take us long, maybe five minutes tops from start to finish. I had Hayden take me from behind so he didn't have to see the anguish split across my face. He didn't argue and told me it was his favorite position anyway. It was the definition of a quickie, and it was my first.

I faked it—another first for me. I could've won an award for my acting. As much as I wanted to have an orgasm—I could definitely use it—I knew I wouldn't be able to come once we walked in this room, no matter how much I wanted to. Not with Kova across the hall. I couldn't focus while he was deep inside his wife, even though Hayden was inside of me.

"We should try to sneak in here more often," Hayden said, and I just nodded. I hadn't even been wet and he didn't notice.

We went our separate ways and I chalked up, feeling more tense than relieved and I wanted to scream. I didn't know what I was thinking, but I should've never agreed to go with Hayden. I'd yet to have an orgasm the way I did with Kova and it was starting to bother me. I could hardly get myself off the way he did, so I wasn't sure why this time would be any different.

Fixing my leotard, I climbed onto the tall blocking mats and gripped the high bar. I felt the pull in my shoulders and sighed, feeling good. I inched my way across, chalk dust sprinkled down my face, then I did a pullover so my thighs were resting on the bar.

Rebounding off with my hips, I swung down and performed giant after giant first. I needed that free-floating speed to feel like I was flying so fast that everything I was holding inside was banished from within me. Gymnastics was all about having the courage to hang on but the strength to let go. I wish I knew how to apply that to my personal life.

When I was alone and in my head, it only took me seconds to break down and weaken emotionally when I needed to be brave and strong. Swinging on the high bar gave me just that, and it was why I tried to spend as much time at World Cup as I could. An adrenaline high was rushing through me, making me stronger and bolder…and I loved this feeling. It was one I chased and inhaled into my lungs.

Letting go, I did a flyaway into the pit. I climbed out and got back up, this time getting right to business and completed a double layout. I lost count of the amount of practice dismounts I completed—a blessing, since the last thing I wanted was to keep track of how long Kova was having sex with Katja.

"Now, when you are on the second layout, you are going to clap."

Surprised, I looked up from the foam pit. The devil himself stood with his hands on his hips glaring down at me. My stomach was in knots and I could barely look at him.

"Look who decided to grace me with his presence," I deadpanned.

Kova continued to glare. "On the second layout—"

"Oh, we're going there. Got it." I couldn't believe he was going to act like nothing had happened. I had planned to do that since I was just as guilty for eavesdropping, and more, but the way he walked up and acted like he had done nothing more than grab a drink of water seriously got me revved up.

"Adrianna."

"What?" I snapped. Kova reached down with an opened hand, but I didn't take it. I hid my disgust with both him and myself and got out on my own. I stood in front of him and fixed my leotard. The foam pit always gave me a wedgie.

"On the second—"

"I heard you the first time." I cut him off again. "What do you mean, clap? Like an actual clap?" I'd never heard of that before. I literally pictured a clap.

"Yes, like an actual clap," he said. "When you are flipping, it is sometimes hard to get your hands together because of inertia, but it is a good drill to get your timing right so you know when to start twisting. Once you are in rotation, your body will want to keep going that way. It will take an external force for you to change the direction of that motion, and clapping at your center"—he looked at my torso and pointed to near my belly button—"say right there, will help you with that."

"Huh." You learn something new every day. "Did you learn this in Russia with your lunatic coaches?"

He lowered his eyes, unimpressed. "No, at the Olympic Training Center."

I pursed my lips together and walked to the chalk bowl, rubbing some chalk onto my hands before getting onto the bar.

I swung up and straightened my arms at my sides until the bar rested on my hips, and visualized a clap on the second layout. I stared down at the giant pit of square foams. It didn't seem too difficult. Usually my arms were glued to my sides in a double layout.

"Adrianna."

I glanced down my shoulder to where Kova was standing.

"Just do a double. I will call out when you should clap."

I nodded. "That's a good idea."

Casting to a handstand, I swung around the bar twice and let go, listening for his direction. Right at the beginning of my second back flip he yelled, "Now!"

Bringing my hands up to clap was much harder than I anticipated. My stomach tensed and the force of gravity worked against me. I wasn't expecting that.

Landing in the pit, I popped up and reached for his hand. He yanked me out and I nearly flew into him.

"Awkward, right?"

My eyes widened. "Yes. It was kind of a rush."

"But now you have an idea where you need to clap, yes?"

I nodded and turned around. It was going to take a ton of these drills to get the timing right. I could already tell.

"Ah, Adrianna?" I looked over my shoulder just before I added more chalk to my hands. "Let us practice these over there." He hooked a thumb over his shoulder toward the uneven bars. "I do not want you getting used to it on the high bar with so little time to practice."

I followed him and stopped, my back to the low bar. I didn't need to say what I required of him, he knew to hoist me up so I could reach the high bar. Kova stood behind me and placed his hands on my hips. Nothing unusual for a coach to be this close, but the heat coming from him right before he lifted me didn't go unnoticed.

"Are you okay?"

I nodded.

I knew what he meant and that was all the thought I was giving it right now.

Once I was mid-flight, I clapped on the second layout. It was a much different landing than I prepared for and I felt a little shock shoot up my ankle. My form wasn't so great, but that was expected the first time.

I grunted, grabbing my ankle. He picked up the mat and placed it under the bar without having to ask. "Are you in pain?" he asked, bent over adjusting the mat to the right place.

"No." I shook my head, looking past him to the girls on the balance beam. I refused to look at him. I was too embarrassed. Reagan was over there with Holly, Sarah, and Madeline. I stood beneath the bar again, waiting. Coming up behind me, his hands found my hips again. This time they sat lower, his fingers splayed out, softly touching my bikini line, his thumbs just barely above my ass. I drew in a quiet breath and waited until his hands slid up to grasp me.

But they didn't. Kova stepped closer to my backside until I felt the front of his hard body against me. His hot breath rolled down my neck and I swallowed.

"Do not be upset with me. It is not what you think. Far from it," he whispered only for my ears. "I knew you were standing there listening," he added. My heart crashed like dead weight into my gut and I instinctively took a small step forward, but he stopped me by pressing his fingers into my skin. "One day you will understand."

"You are seriously the worst human alive," I said. "You make me regret ever meeting you."

"We do what is required to get through each day to survive. Some days are harder than others, and we may not be able to look at ourselves in the mirror, but we do what we have to do."

My nose flared. He was testing me. I glanced around nervously. We were too close, way too close, and it made my heart rush. Without saying a word, I raised my arms to see what he'd do. Much to my relief, Kova lifted me up, but not how he should have.

He purposely slid me slowly along the front of his body. I fit against his every curve and I held my breath in anticipation. "I did not come," he breathed into my ear.

He wasn't lying. I felt every hard inch of him. I closed my eyes, trying not to feel what he was doing. I wanted to let go of the bar and drop to the floor so I could push and shove and curse him out.

Of course, I didn’t.

His hands slid down my thighs way too seductively, and his fingers grazed the bare skin near my ass. He wanted me to feel him, but I pretended like I didn't and kept my focus trained straight ahead. I bit down on the inside of my lip until I tasted blood and pulled myself up.

Up on the bar, I cleared my mind and visualized the clap to begin, putting my entire being into the skill, and landed without a balance check. It was like my way of saying fuck you, asshole.

"Clap sooner next time." I nodded and padded on more chalk. "You train better when you are angry," he said quietly, standing behind me again.

Anger. Hurt. Hostility. It all made me see things clearly. It also compelled me to focus more.

"You’re a master manipulator. Let us go." I mocked him and raised my arms, waiting to be lifted. He wasn't impressed with my crappy attempt at a Russian accent. I sighed. I had no right to snap considering he was married, but he knew how to get under my skin like no other.

This time when I did the double layout clap, I set my timing sooner and felt a noticeable difference.

"Good. Do that again." Back up on bar and ready to go, I saw Kova crouch down from the corner of my eye. He was in the zone and it was seriously hot seeing him like that. Elbows on knees, he scrutinized me. The moment I landed, he jumped straight up. "Excellent! Just like that. Again."

I didn't want him to see me smile, so I quickly turned around. Seeing him happy that I was able to execute his directions made me insanely ecstatic inside.

We were so toxic yet so perfect together. I wish he hadn’t gone and screwed it up.

This time I mounted the low bar and jumped to the high bar, where I immediately went into a kip, cast to handstand, and swung down. Kova was crouched down again and I felt him watching me, making sure I released at the right time. On my second layout, I clapped where it felt right and landed. I looked at him.

"Again."

He was proud.

Rinse, lather, repeat.

I did so many repetitions of this drill that I lost count. Easily hundreds, and the whole time I didn't utter a word to my coach, I just took his guidance. Hours had gone by and I didn't even notice. The entire time was a rush of endorphins for me. As crazy as it seemed, I loved what I was doing before I realized that most of the gymnasts had left for the day. My wrists were killing me, and my ankle was definitely inflamed, but it was nothing compared to the throbbing pain in my lower back. Probably from the force of the landings.

I sprayed some water onto my grips as Kova walked over to me. "Next time when you clap, I want you to complete a half twist. Only a half twist, though, yeah?"

"Yeah," I said, looking at the chunks of chalk in the giant bowl.

"Do you want me to spot you?"

I paused, thinking about his question and the new skill I was about to perform, one I'd never done in my life. It was probably best if he did.

"That'd be great, Coach."

I rubbed my grips together then clapped my hands. A veil of chalk puffed in front of my face and I turned away. Kova reached out to grab my wrist and pulled me to a stop. For the first real time this afternoon, I let him see how mad I truly was. There was no holding back my disdain, I wore it loud and proud and added resentment as an accessory. Recognition dawned on his face. He knew what he’d done. And the worst part? He didn't give two fucks.

Kova guided to me stand under the high bar. With his hands on my hips, too low again, he angled his head against mine and slowly, obviously, inhaled. Goose bumps broke out on my arms when he allowed a single finger to travel along my bikini line. It was, much to my disappointment, incredibly seductive and I reveled in the way it felt. It'd been so long since I had felt his touch.

"I like when you need me," he said, his voice smooth like vodka. "I also like when you despise me."

"You're delusional."

He chuckled under his breath, then lifted me. Ready to pull the half twist, Kova moved to the side. With one foot propped on the mat, he held his hands up. Anticipation steamrolled through me, but with my coach spotting me, I knew I was safe. Despite everything, there was a bond, a trust that was too thick to penetrate between us. I knew he'd catch me if I fell.

On the second flip, I clapped and cranked to the left. I had so much power that Kova reached out to guide me safely to a stop so I couldn’t continue the rotation. Landing, I stumbled to the side and fell into his chest. His arms wrapped around and caught me.

"Jesus. I think I pulled too hard. Sorry about that." My eyes were wide and I was breathless.

"Do not ever be sorry. That is what I am here for. Let us do it again. I will stand here the whole time until you get it right. I knew it would be awkward at first."

Panting, I couldn't look at him after that one. Too much animosity and adrenaline sped through me to accept his candid sincerity. He was being nice, and I didn't like it. Perhaps that was because he was rarely nice to me unless he was inside me. This side of Kova was one I wasn't used to and I didn't know how to accept it without being a bitch to him.

After an endless amount of repetitions, literally over hundreds of the clap and half twist, the gym was now empty and the sun had set. Upon my request, we stayed an hour longer than scheduled so I could start with the full twist tomorrow. I was insanely tired and sore, and I couldn't wait to go home and crash.

Kova walked over to where I sat while I removed my grips and wristbands. He shifted on his feet.

"I'm completely depleted. I feel like I won't even be able to drive home at this rate," I said and dropped the gear into my bag.

"I will drive you."

"No, thanks. I'd rather have an Uber serial killer driver take me before I get into a car alone again with you."

"Suit yourself."

I walked out to the parking lot and climbed into my car. Slamming my truck door shut with more vigor than necessary, the light dimmed and I was encased in darkness, still parked in front of World Cup.

I pulled my cell phone out and did an Internet search of the Russian Kova spoke earlier to Katja. It had been bothering me and I wish I knew what he’d said to her.

I wish I had never looked.

He calls me malysh, but she was his beloved.

All it took was the weight of the word and the loneliness of the silence in the night surrounding me to break down two seconds later. Uncontrollable hot tears streamed down my cheeks while I cried my eyes out against my steering wheel, replaying Kova's last words. His tone said he was sorry, I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, but the "my beloved" part was crushing. I couldn't wrap my head around the words he’d said to me or why he even would speak them in the first place if he was calling his wife his beloved. I was missing a part of the story. I knew it from the pieces of their conversation I’d overheard. But he’d told me he was sorry and said he didn't come. People didn't act that way unless they were guilty, unless they were angry and couldn't communicate what they truly felt. I wasn't going to give him an excuse, but it was almost like he was mad and projecting.

I sank into my seat, my body diffusing at the already fragile seams. Bone-jarring sounds passed through my lips, ones I'd never heard myself make before. Nothing made sense. My chest hurt, tight with self-pity, and my fingers circled the leather of the steering wheel. If the light were on, the blood beneath the skin of my knuckles would show just how much I was restraining.

I had no one else to hold me. And I needed something to hold on to. I was too unsteady.

I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I didn't need this, but I couldn't get past the thought of Kova having sex with Katja while I was in the same building, or the things he'd said to her. Before this marriage, I'd felt closer to him than ever before and I’d thought he felt that way with me too, but maybe it was all an illusion that I wanted to see. Maybe that's what he wanted. Maybe I was just a pawn in his game. His callous words hurt, and I was sure I'd never forget them, but it was the bite and caress of his tongue that belted me harder than I could handle. Like a damn knife to my throat. He wanted to hurt me, but he was sorry too. I didn't get it and for some asinine reason, I didn't think he did either. I showed him what I was made of at the cost of my dignity today. A terrible combination that initiated a deeper strive in me.

Tomorrow I'd walk in with my head held high. I'd foolishly let down my guard. I had too much to lose, and I refused to allow some coach to take it from me.

But tonight, tonight I'd cry myself to sleep. Come two days, I was boarding a plane for another competition.

"Adrianna?"

Coughing a few times, I glanced over my shoulder at Kova, who stood next to Madeline without so much of an ounce of emotion on either of their faces. I had my hand on the glass door about to walk out of World Cup when my name was called.

"Yes?"

"We would like to speak with you privately before you leave, if you have a moment."

"Of course."

It wasn't like I could say no, even though I was about to collapse from fatigue any second. The last two weeks were some of the most chaotic and exhausting weeks of my life. Between a meet last week, another one that had just passed, two-a-day practices in between, I was running on only four to five hours of sleep a night.

Kova tipped his head toward the hall. "In my office. It should not take long."

I shot a fleeting glance at Madeline, but her face was stoic. I hoped they made this quick.

Following close behind, I tried to wipe off some of the chalk from my thighs and arms, as if I needed to clean up for some stupid reason. I tightened my ponytail and pushed back the flyaways from my face, wracking my brain trying to figure out why both coaches would want to speak with me, and why they looked so serious. Practices had been going really well and I hadn't screwed up.

Kova held onto the doorknob as I walked past him to enter his office. I shook my fingers out, hoping to release the onset of nerves. I felt like I was in school and caught doing something I shouldn't have been and now I was in trouble.

Madeline sat in one of the empty seats and crossed her legs while I took the one next to her. I placed my bag by my chair and waited. Kova strode around his large desk that was covered in files and papers and sat down. He leaned forward, lacing his fingers together. My eyes caught the flash of metal from his wedding band. Fucking platinum. Instead of looking away like I had in the past, I forced myself to look at it as a reminder of what he’d done. He caught my gaze but didn't follow it.

"Madeline…" Kova gestured for her to speak.

Madeline turned toward me. "Coach Kova and I have had an in-depth conversation about your progress, the meets you have coming up that we feel are best for you, along with various opportunities that may present themselves based on your performances. Are you aware the National Qualifier meet is in a few weeks? The U.S. Classic?"

"Yes."

"After your scores this past weekend, we think you have a strong chance of making the national team. If you do, the meets you attend will change and so will your practice schedule, meaning we'd add in various camps for you to attend and so forth." I glanced at Kova with wide eyes. "You're aware that only twelve will make the national team, right?"

I nodded slowly and said, "And from that twelve, only four would make the Olympic team."

"If you continue to compete the way you have been…" Madeline left her statement open. A brow raised, she whistled through a grin. "Kova's been telling me that you're ready for more for quite some time now. I was a little skeptical, considering how much you had to train to reach this point. So few can take on what you have. Then your injury happened, and I worried that your gymnastics career was in jeopardy. An Achilles could snap at any minute." She paused, and looked into my eyes with amazement. "But you proved yourself, your strength, and your energy. I never should have doubted Kova."

"I am never wrong, Madeline." Kova joked, and they both laughed. I didn't.

"I see great things in your future," Madeline said.

This time I smiled. I knew from experience that before something great happened, everything tended to fall apart. And I had to wonder if I was already past the bad part and if this was my moment.

"You have another meet this weekend," Kova said. He had circles under his eyes and his face looked a little drawn. He looked as tired as I felt. "In between, for the next few weeks until the qualifier, you will do nothing but practice. From morning to night until the day before we leave, you will work your ass off. Kind of like a cram session before a test. I will call your father and have him put your tutoring on hold, that way you will have nothing to worry about. You will forget everything except the meet and the routines. That will have your undivided focus. Nothing else. Do not cloud your mind with things that can go wrong. You must remain focused on everything that will go right. Because it will. You will practice like you have never won a damn thing in your life and you will perform your heart out."

I wasn't an idiot. The look in his eyes and the way he twisted his thick wedding band said everything it needed to. Kova was the master at being discreet. The subtlety of his actions and the pointed stare was loud and clear—he needed me to forget about his marriage. And since he knew I wasn't going to speak to him privately outside of this room, he had to get it all out here while he could. He needed me to let it go, so I could focus on this new goal.

What he didn't know was that I'd already been working on that.

I sighed inwardly but kept a straight face. If it were only that easy. Deep down, I was still recovering from the head-on collision his secret nuptials caused me. It was playing with my mind. One minute I was as empty as a broken shell, the next minute I felt enraged and so full of emotion that I was ready to combust like fireworks on the fourth of July. Memories of our past conversations flipped through my head, along with the moments we'd shared outside these walls. There was nothing more I wanted than to forget them all and start over. Instead, I had to learn to deal with it the best I could, and by doing that, I shut down.

I studied him. I knew Kova. There wasn't a chance he would've suggested this, let alone been on board if he thought for a split second I didn't have what it took. That wasn't Kova's style. He took risks, yes, but his risks were measured and calculated. Planned. Well-thought-out and guaranteed success.

"We believe in you," Madeline said, her tone motherly. I looked at her and smiled. "We know you can do it. And after what you said to me at the meet a few weeks ago, I knew it too."

Tilting my head to the side, I asked, "What did I say?"

"You said that you remembered who you were, what you wanted, and it changed the game. For your age, that's powerful and inspiring."

Kova was eyeing me. His stare was heavy, willing me to look at him but I didn't pay him any attention. I didn't remember saying that, but I knew it's what I’d been feeling lately, so I probably did.

He was nervously tapping the tip of his pen on the desk, something I found odd for him to do. Steadying my breathing, I decided to go a different route and let him know I was still upset for what he’d done with Katja in this office and that I'd heard everything.

"There was a moment where I was slipping. I was letting go and I was unconsciously putting gymnastics second. This sport means everything to me. I built my life on it. What I do here is not just for me, but all of us. I got where I am because of both of you and the dedication you guys put in too. Sometimes I get stuck on one speed with one goal in mind, and I need to slow down. Thankfully a friend’s been helping me do just that. Gymnastics is my most beloved, and this friend holds a dear place in my heart for reminding me of that. I owe them everything.”

Kova was anything but stupid.

He stopped tapping his pen and I could feel him tense even though he was sitting across from me. Victory unfurled inside my stomach and I allowed the feeling to flow through me. It felt good. What I said was true, but I made sure to use the words he had said to his wife and he knew it.

“It’s actually very common to have moments where you question everything and forget why you’re here. Whoever this friend is, you’re lucky,” Madeline said. “Don’t let them go.”

My cheeks bloomed with heat and I smiled. “Thank you,” was all I could muster. I was stuck in between emotion and numbness again when I turned to look at Kova and released my feelings for just a second.

I gave him the tiniest smirk. It was enough. He caught it loud and clear.

I exhaled a loud breath and feigned a smile from ear to ear for both of them this time. I needed to show them I was ecstatic on the outside and not dying on the inside like I was. Positivity brought optimism that carried confidence and self-assurance on its back. It was the key to victory, and that’s what Madeline and Kova had both given me. I had to give it back, even if it was a fake one.

Silence stretched between us. When it became slightly uncomfortable, I reached down and grabbed my bag and stood up. “So… I guess I’ll see you guys tomorrow?”

“Yes. I have a few things to discuss with Madeline first, then I will call your father. Expect two-a-days until Thursday. Friday we fly out for comp, then it is back to the grind.”

I nodded. I could do it.

“Try and get some good rest tonight,” Madeline said, her gaze studying my face. “Your eyes are a little swollen and it looks like you have a rash on your face. Have you eaten something new? Allergic to anything maybe?”

I thought about it for a moment. I’d barely eaten lately but that was because my back pain made me so nauseous I couldn’t even stomach thinking about food.

“No, not that I know of.”

Her head bobbed slowly up and down as she processed what I said, still taking in my face. “Get some rest tonight. These next few weeks are going to get chaotic.”

“Goodnight,” I said quietly.

Stepping out of Kova’s office, I mechanically made my way to my truck and drove home. My condo was cold and lonely. Typically, I preferred the solitude, but lately it was eating away at me. When I was alone, I reflected. I overthought everything and then I regretted. I wanted to call Avery and tell her the good news, but I wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. It was selfish of me, I knew that, but I needed to preserve what little of myself I had left. I could call Hayden. He’d come running, but I wasn’t up for his company.

Everything I did was wrong except when it came to gymnastics.

Lighting a few scented candles, I ate dinner, as much as my stomach could handle, then took a shower and cried in a ball on the tile, counting the strands of hair and wondering how there could be so many on the floor.

The week passed through hazy eyes. I didn’t know where it began or where it ended, and now we were landing in a new city.

I hadn’t spoken to anyone save for my dad for a few short minutes so he could tell me he wouldn’t be at this meet, but he’d make it to the next one. That was two meets he’d miss in a row. All I’d done was practice from sun up until well after sun down. Not a minute was wasted. Push came to shove and I’d been ready. Heart and soul, body and mind. I blocked everything out, kept to myself, and trained like a beast. I was on autopilot.

“It’s going to be a hectic week,” Madeline said. Talk about an understatement.

I pushed myself so hard I was certain I made myself sick. I felt more worn down than ever before, so unhappy and so weary. I’d secretly taken more Motrin to try and alleviate some of the pain and I’d had more ice baths this past week than I’d had my whole time at World Cup. I knew I shouldn't have taken the medication, but I had to. I couldn't handle how awful my body felt. Deep tissue massages, sports tape, blading… Kova even had me roll on some stupid foam log he insisted would release lactic acid and help me recover quicker. I never complained, though. Not once. It was grueling and exhausting and overwhelming, but I wanted it and I loved every taxing minute, even though I was falling deeper and deeper into my depression.

Before we boarded the plane, I took some Benadryl and slept until we landed. My bones ached horribly, my whole body inflamed, and I felt as stiff as a ninety-year-old when I walked off the plane. Shortly after we arrived at the hotel, I unpacked then passed out. I'd been woken up for dinner but begged to sleep, and stayed asleep, until the next morning. I was so physically drained that I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep in.

In truth, I felt weak and it scared me.

"Are you okay?" Madeline asked, concern filling her voice. She'd come to the hotel room I shared with my teammates. We were getting ready to leave for the meet but they stepped out at her request so she could speak with me privately.

"Yes, why?"

"You seem out of it and we need your head in the game right now."

I yawned. "Just a little tired, but I'm okay."

The space between her eyes creased together and she pressed the back of her hand to my head. "You're warm."

I pulled away. "A fever won't hold me back. Don't worry," I said and slapped on a smile. "I thought I felt a little warm last night and took some cold medicine with a few Emergen-C packets."

"Are you wearing blush?"

"Yes, of course." My lips pursed together. "Why?"

"You just look a little more flushed than usual."

Now it was my turn for my brows to bunch tight. I glanced in the mirror and shrieked.

"Oh, my God." I laughed. "I didn't blend it in enough," I lied. I did look a little more flushed for some reason. Looking back at my coach, I said, "My mom got me new blush. It was my first time trying it out and I went a little too heavy." I grabbed my makeup bag and brushed on some foundation to help tone down my cheeks. "Better?" I asked.

She didn't seem sold but nodded anyway. "Did you take Emergen-C this morning?"

"No."

"Open up two and take them now." I did what she said and forced them down. "Good. That stuff works miracles and you should be good soon. When we get back, make sure you schedule an appointment with your doctor. Let's not mention this to Kova, though. He hasn't been himself lately."

"Good idea."

I refused to be concerned with what I could do to help him anymore, but also because it would look a little odd delving into my coach's life and asking Madeline for more information. Staying out of his personal life was key to preserving my sanity.

"Ready to roll? You got this?"

"Ready? Psshh. I was made for this," I replied and produced the biggest, fakest smile I could from ear to ear. Madeline laughed, her eyes twinkled, and I followed her out of my hotel room with one thought.

Okay. Two.

Sometimes pretending to be something I wasn't took more energy than what it took to be real.

My second thought was that I was going to release everything in me and dominate this meet. I wasn't lying when I said I was made for this. I was.

It was unfortunate how aware I was that I was slowly killing myself. An insidious circle of self-destruction that I couldn't stop because I was obsessed with gymnastics.

Okay. That was three thoughts.

The next day I was on a plane headed back to Florida with four medals again. All gold.

THE FOLLOWING Monday I woke with the fear that I wasn't sure how I would make it through the week in one piece. I was feeling so rundown and bone tired. The pressure and stress to qualify for the national team was already weighing heavily on me, but now I wanted to remain at the top of the sport like I had been, and that brought a new burden of anxiety.

It was startling how weak I felt. Almost like I was anemic. Maybe I had the flu and I didn’t know it. Pulling up to a red light, I called my doctor and made an appointment. Naturally they had to remind me they'd called numerous times and their messages went unanswered. I apologized, because they had been calling. I'd had too much on my mind and not enough time to spare, but after this past weekend, and waking up this morning, I knew something wasn't right. I could feel it. I was about to turn seventeen. I shouldn’t feel this ragged.

On the way to World Cup, I got stuck at the draw bridge. I took a long sip of my Emergen-C concoction—two green tea bags, two Emergen-C packets, and honey. I'd read online this nasty tasting drink was a miracle cure. While waiting for the boats to go through, I put my truck in park and pulled up the Internet on my cell phone and typed in my symptoms.

Severe exhaustion. Bone pain. Body aches. Headaches. Fever. Hair loss. I wouldn't really consider hair loss, but I had noticed more and more on my floors lately.

I pressed enter, and immediately regretted it.

Anemia. Thyroid cancer. Tick bite. Lyme disease. Mono. Hay fever. Low blood sugar. Acute stress disorder. Depression. Dementia from a head injury.

The last three were way off. I wasn't depressed or stressed. Okay, a little stressed and slightly depressed, but who wasn't? The world survived on antidepressants. Maybe a little demented for putting my body through what I have, but the rest were out in left field. The only thing that was a possibility was mono, but that didn't even make sense. Kova would be just as bad off as me. So would Hayden, and they seemed fine.

Annoyed, I clicked out of my phone and dropped it into the cup holder. I watched the draw bridge slowly go down, thinking I might as well add elbow cancer to the list. Looking up symptoms was a terrible idea and got me nowhere. I mean, a tick bite? Really?

Shifting into drive, I turned up the music and made the short drive to the gym. I needed to block out my hypochondriac thoughts and focus on gymnastics, not self-diagnose myself and spiral into a dark hole worrying I had every single illness under the hot Florida sun.

Once inside, I settled into warming up, reaching for my toes, feeling my muscles stretch and pull tight in my hamstrings. I shot a glance at Kova and studied him, his face, his eyes, his movements. While he did look a little pale and drawn, and his eyes weren't as bright as they usually were. He didn't appear to be stiff or worn down like I was. He lifted big safety mats up and moved them across the room as if he were carrying bags of groceries into the house. He spoke to Madeline. Jotted stuff down in his notebook. Took a call on his cell phone. There was clearly nothing wrong with him. He must've felt my eyes on him because he shot me a look and I foolishly averted my gaze just as fast as his eyes landed on me.

Shit. I'd been caught staring.

I cringed inwardly and moved into another position. Just as I was about to look up, I felt him behind me. His presence wrapped around my senses, and holy hell he smelled so good. His cologne was fresh and potent in the mornings.

"Lay back. Hands on the floor," he ordered, kneeling next to me. I did, and he brought both of my knees up then crossed one in front of the other. Grabbing my ankle, he pulled my foot toward me and pressed on my knee with his elbow. He was stretching out my hips.

"What is on your mind?" he asked, looking ahead. I followed his gaze and watched the boys’ team. Hayden glanced at us.

"Nothing, why?"

"Because you were looking at me."

Damn it. I knew he’d caught me. "So. I can't look at you? You're my coach. I was wondering where you were and if I was going to get caught skimping on conditioning and warm-ups."

He ignored that and kept his gaze ahead. "You never look at me anymore, Adrianna. Never. And you were just watching me like a hawk. Do you have something you want to say to me? Something on your mind?"

"Nope. I'm good."

"You sure?"

"Yup."

Kova moved on to my other leg. I did want to ask him how he was feeling, to see if he felt sick the way I did, but I couldn't bring myself to. I didn't want to breach the wall I had put between us and allow him to walk into my life again. I also didn't want to let him know I wasn't feeling well.

"You are the worst liar I have ever met," he mumbled under his breath.

"You're the only one who tells me that."

"Because whether you like it or not, I know you better than anyone else."

His words struck my heart and I ground my jaw together. It was true. He did know me better than anyone else and I wish he didn't. I should've been grateful he was concerned, but instead tears of regret branded the resentment I felt for him. "Your eyes… You are so far away and it kills me because you will not come to me. I know you have a lot on your mind. I also know you are blocking everything out. I cannot say I fault you, though. You are protecting yourself. I just wish you would let me be there for you."

My breathing deepened, my chest rose and fell. I had a lot on my mind. Too much. And with no outlet, which he knew.

"See," he said quietly. Our eyes locked and my breath lodged in my throat. "I know you, Adrianna." His warm, deep voice wrapped around my gutted heart. There wasn't an ounce of cockiness in his words, just genuine sincerity that shook me. "I hate that I can see everything you are feeling, because I feel it too." His sober gaze didn't waver from mine. I wanted to look away, but I was constricted by the rope his voice devised. A faint sharpness sliced through my breastbone. This was the first time I'd allowed him to look at me like this and he had me glued to him because I could hear what he was saying, what he was begging for. Kova wanted the one thing I couldn't give him. Forgiveness.

Kova didn't look sick. No, he looked gutted.

"I know you do not want to talk to me, but if you do not release that built-up emotion inside you, you will snap. Usually when you least expect it and on the wrong person. Trust me. I have been there. If you will not release it on me, at least write it down."

I looked to my side, watching the gymnasts practice. His voice was so sad.

Quietly, I swallowed, and said, "I don't need to write." I just need to sit in the shower and cry.

"You would be surprised how therapeutic it is."

My brows furrowed. I looked back at Kova. "Where is the notebook?"

He looked down at me. "You have it."

"No, I don't."

"You do."

"Ko—Coach, no I don't."

Kova sat back on his knees. "Adrianna, you never gave it back to me."

I stared up at Kova, slightly panicking inside. My brain ran through the motions since I last saw the notebook and where I had placed it.

"It must be in my condo somewhere," I answered softly.

His brows furrowed. Panic spanned his eyes. "You are sure you did not leave it somewhere?"

I studied him, thinking. "I probably shoved it in my nightstand so I wouldn't have to look at it. I know I didn't bring it anywhere, so it's somewhere in my condo."

Relief flooded him. "When you find it, use it."

Sitting up, I crossed my legs in front of me and kept my focus on the floor, picking at the carpet. "I'd rather not. Writing isn’t for me."

Kova blew out a lengthy sigh. "You are so stubborn. This is going to backfire on you."

I flattened my lips but didn't acknowledge his comment. It wouldn't. I'd make sure of it.

"Does your Achilles hurt?"

I shook my head. I debated with what to tell him. "No, it's fine. I'm just really, really tired."

"It comes with the territory."

Standing up, I yawned. "I'll see you on bars." I was only a few steps away when Kova called my name. I glanced over my shoulder.

Scratching the back of his neck, his mouth pulled tight to one side and his nervous green eyes dropped to the floor then up to me. We stood no more than a few feet apart and he closed the distance.

"For the record, you would never skimp on conditioning. That is not who you are. You are not lazy. That kind of mentality would only hurt you in the long run and you know that. You always, always go the extra mile, even when you should not, but it is impossible for you not to. It is why you are you."

I rolled my bottom lip between my teeth and reflected over his words. He was right about everything he’d said, but I wasn't going to respond. I didn't need to. We both knew the answer.

Slowly turning back around, I lowered my gaze to the floor as I made my way to bars. That was the most he'd spoken to me since I’d put my foot down. I may have allowed it, but somehow, I think he knew that was all the rope I'd give him.

The rest of the week he kept to himself. I trained. I slept. I trained. I ached all over. I barely slept. I trained. I had pounding headaches. I sank deeper into myself. I was so tired that I almost missed practice.

But I didn't. I sucked it up and championed on. It’s what I did.

The energy in the room revived me, giving me life, washing away any kind of exhaustion I'd been dealing with over the past few weeks. Like a contagious beat to a song. Shivers ran down my arms, like little needles tickling me. I looked all around, turning in a circle, taking in every moment, every person I could see, breathing it into my lungs. I smiled. My dad was somewhere in the stands.

This was life. Gymnastics was life.

Today was the American Classic, my last meet before the National Qualifier. Today would determine if I got to compete in the U.S. Classic.

Inhaling a deep breath, I let everything go. I was invigorated, excited, and for once, not tired. I was probably on overdrive and didn't know it.

Yesterday after we arrived, we ran through our routines, doing light warm-ups. We didn't push it or do our full routines, just ran through the motions and adjusted to the equipment. I kept my focus on myself and didn't watch anyone else, just like I was doing now. I blocked everything out and compartmentalized my thoughts.

"Breathe in through your stomach," Madeline said, taking a deep breath and exhaling through her nose. I nodded, staring at the vault as I hopped on my toes to keep my muscles warm. "As long as you block hard and stay tight, you got this, Adrianna. Vault is yours. Open up when you come out of the half."

I nodded again, and bit the inside of my lip. Madeline walked away to speak with Holly. I had one of the most difficult vaults—the Amanar. My body had to rotate nine hundred degrees, get at least six feet off the vault table, and finish with a blind landing.

I had this. I wasn't worried. I was confident, but I wasn't cocky. I could do this vault in my sleep. I just had to get the mechanics of it and rely on muscle memory.

There was only one other vault so dangerous that it paralyzed a gymnast many years ago. Vault may be my specialty, but I wasn't looking to never walk again. I knew my limits.

Patting my hands in the chalk bowl, the powder filled my nostrils as I grabbed little clumps and broke them. I applied some of the chalk between my inner thighs and on the bottom of my feet to absorb any moisture.

I exhaled.

Walking toward the end of the walkway, Kova met up with me and we walked side by side. I kept my gaze on the floor, imagining my vault over and over. My hands formed into tight balls and flexed, and my fingers were a little cold.

"Stay tight, start low. Your body will know what to do once you are in the air."

Once we reached the end of the runway, I stepped into the small chalk box on the floor and added a little more to my feet. My heart was starting to pick up speed. I wasn't nervous, just anxious.

"Did you hear me?" Kova asked. I nodded. "Hey. Look at me." My eyes shot up to his. "You got this. Just release everything and trust yourself." I nodded again, serious.

After giving me a friendly pat on my shoulder, Kova walked away and only stopped when he got to the opposite end where my dismount would be. Our eyes locked and his chin dipped.

It was go time.

Swallowing, I looked at the judges. I stepped onto the runway mat behind the white tape and cracked my toes, standing on the tips of them. I focused on the vault, noting Kova in my peripheral vision. Black dress pants, royal blue polo club shirt, hands on hips.

While I was confident in what I was about to perform, his presence still comforted me.

I glanced at the judges table, waiting. They gave me the green light.

Quickly, I saluted them and a handful of seconds later I was running. My feet pounded into the floor, my heart filling with exhilaration as I neared the springboard. The adrenaline was a rush, speeding through me. It was addicting and I wanted to chase it.

This was another reason I loved gymnastics. I was free and wild. No one could slow me down.

Rounding off, feet locked together and slamming into the springboard, I reached back and flipped onto the vault, popping my shoulders hard and allowed my muscles to take over. Tight, I took flight as high as I possibly could reach and twisted two and a half times, then opened and landed.

Both feet together.

No hop.

Just a perfect stuck landing that made my heart drop and my stomach tighten.

It was the longest four seconds of my life.

I could hear Kova and Madeline shouting, feel the vitality of the room.

Arms up, I acknowledged the judges, then turned toward the other side…and smiled. Scratch that. I was fucking beaming on the inside and outside.

Madeline had both hands up for a high five as I reached the stairs. Stepping down, she said, "Unbelievable! The best you've ever done! I gotta run to prep Holly, but fantastic!"

My eyes lit up.

Automatically, I high-fived Kova and our eyes met. There was a moment my heart skipped a beat. To share something like this with him formed a deeper connection between us. I felt it and there was no doubt in my mind he did too.

"How did I do? How was it? I mean, I felt good, but you know how that goes," I asked him, but he looked at me like I was utterly insane. I laughed, actually laughed and said, "You look like I'm the one speaking Russian to you."

"Sometimes I wonder what is going through your head to ask me such questions. Adrianna, you perform best under pressure. By far…just…" He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair and looked away. "It was just incredible. Flawless."

I almost squealed. Thank God I didn't. "Thanks!"

Kova looked down at me. The way his enamored gaze took in my face as he studied me caused butterflies to erupt in my stomach. I wanted to pluck their beautiful wings off so I couldn't feel that connection with him, but at the same time, I wanted them to flutter harder.

"It is good to see you smiling again."

At that my smile faded a little.

"I have not seen your face light up like that in quite some time." He swallowed hard, then turned his head. I followed his gaze and watched my score pop up.

I stared at the bold, black numbers. My lips parted. Was this real life?

Kova looked back at me. Shaking his head, happiness bloomed in his eyes. "I told you," he said, shaking his head like he was awestruck. "Flawless."

Then, he was gone.

"You're going to be labeled as vault queen soon," Holly said sweetly as she came up to me and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

I barked out a laugh. "That will be the day."

"Girl, you don’t even know your greatness," she said, then stepped away.

With bars already under my belt, I'd only been deducted a few tenths, but I was still leading. Bars was like vault for me, another forte of mine.

Beam, my arch nemesis, though. I fought that bitch tooth and nail. She was being compliant for now, but I knew deep in my gut it wouldn't last. Everything good always came to an end.

Yeah, I was starting to wonder if I was demented since I was comparing the balance beam to an actual person who could bring me down. Only I had the power to bring myself down. No one else.

And that was the kind of mentality I went into the beam with. I knew I had what it took, I'd done it twice now. I was my only limit.

"What are you thinking about?" Kova asked right before I was about to go on.

"What's the worst thing that could happen? I straddle the beam? Fall off completely? My foot slips on the second back handspring of my connection, but I can't stop the next skill from happening because my body is already in motion and I'll land on my neck on the beam and break my collarbone?"

He looked into both of my eyes, his gaze shifting back and forth. A little scared. "Is that really what you were thinking?"

"Yes."

Kova shook his head, at a loss for words.

It really was what I'd been thinking about when I mounted the beam. I let go and trusted myself, trusted the faith my coaches had in me, and when I saw my score flash on the board shortly after my dismount, I was insanely proud. While I hadn't snagged first place, I was in the top three and I'd totally take it.

Letting go was hard, but fear was crippling. I refused to be a prisoner of my own fears and self-appointed limitations.

As I stood waiting to rotate to the last event, the back of my neck prickled with awareness. I felt the heavy stare of someone and turned around. I tilted my head to the side and took him in, trying to figure out where I'd seen him before. I saw a lot of forgettable faces at meets, but this one, he looked so familiar and it annoyed me I couldn't place him. I'd seen those beady eyes before that were now raking up and down my body.

I shivered. I didn't like the way he looked at me, or the sleazy smile that pulled at his weathered mouth to reveal yellow-stained teeth.

Kova stepped in front of my view and I pulled back, brows gathering up at him.

"Do not look at him." His eyes were hard as dried cement. "Do you hear me? Do not look at him again." His voice was deadly.

I hesitated with my question. "Why?"

If possible, his eyes darkened, and I swear I heard him growl. "Adrianna—"

"I'm not asking to aggravate you, Coach. I'm just curious."

Placing his hands on his hips, his chest expanded as he shot a fleeting glance over his shoulder, then back at me. I didn't follow because for once I didn't want to annoy him. And, because that guy creeped me out.

Looking down at me, Kova ran his teeth over his bottom lip like he was debating whether he wanted to tell me something or not. His indecisive eyes bore into mine, so I did what I always do. I pushed.

"What is it?" I asked. "Do you know him?"

"Do you remember the Parkettes meet, where we discussed what you learned from just watching the competition and the room as a whole? We got on the subject of that coach and how I warned you—"

"You mean threatened—"

"—to stay away from the coach who was demeaning his gymnast and how it disturbed you?"

My eyes widened. "That's him!" I muttered under my breath. "I thought he looked familiar. He's the coach you fired."

Kova's chin dipped long and slow. It was the same guy Reagan had told me about.

"For once, listen to me when I say do not engage him. Do not look his way. Pretend he does not exist."

"Okay."

"I am serious, Adrianna. There is more to him than I want to disclose, and I will not get in to it right now, so do not ask."

I nodded solemnly. I thought back to the day in my hotel room where I sat on his lap as we discussed his actions and my perception, and I remembered how Kova said he had a gut feeling one day someone was going to report him. Dread creased my forehead. I didn't want to go there, but I had to wonder if he was one of those coaches who were more than hands on and got away with it.

I frowned, my stomach churning with rancid thoughts. "Don't tell me he—"

My words were stopped short when he stepped up to us and intruded in on our conversation.

"Konstantin. Pleasure seeing you here." I recoiled while Kova appeared calm. A sour taste filled my mouth. But I knew him. I noticed the veins that twirled down his arms like snakes contracting with power, the way his hands contracted into fists. There was bad blood between them, and I wanted to know why.

"Too bad I cannot say the same for you," Kova responded with no tact at all. I choked back a laugh. His Russian accent ground out each word and I loved when it made a show.

"Why don't we let bygones be bygones already," he suggested. Kova stood stone still and silent. "I've been following you this year. You wouldn't have gotten as far as you have without me and we both know it." Blatant disgust bled from Kova for the man in front of him. "Except for this one." He pointed to me, his eyes glistening. He made my skin crawl. "Where did you find her?"

"Adrianna," he said without looking at me, "go get ready. I will be there soon."

I didn't move. I was too enthralled, and luckily Kova didn't notice because his rage took center stage.

Kova stepped up to his former partner so they were nose to nose. My heart stopped. The fury burning off him chilled me to the bone. I took a small step back. I'd seen him all shades of angry, but never like this.

"Let us get something straight, sobaka," he spat in Russian. I made a mental note to look that word up. "I got where I am today because of me, of the work I put in, and the work my girls put in. Not because of your piece of shit self. I taught you everything you know. Not the other way around. You got lucky because of me." He scoffed, jabbing a finger into the man’s chest. "For more than one reason, might I add. This is your only warning—stay the fuck away from me and my girls. I let you off once, but I will not do it again. I do not want to see you, smell you, or hear your name mentioned. I do not want you within a fifty-mile radius of me and my gymnasts. If we are at the same meet, you will keep your distance."

"Or what?" the guy rebutted. "What do you think you're going to do acting so tough and macho?"

"I am not acting, just defending those who cannot defend themselves against dogs like you. Do not fucking test me."

He laughed. The guy actually laughed, but Kova was eerily calm and said, "I have enough evidence to easily have you placed in solitary confinement. Funny thing about prison mates, they eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast."

His laugh died down immediately. His eye lids grew heavy then quickly shot to me. Kova looked over his shoulder and I froze. I'd heard everything. He didn't like that, but he didn't show it.

Without another word, the former coach at World Cup turned around and walked away.

"Coach." My voice was high-pitched. "What did he do?"

Kova scrubbed a hand down his face then looked above my head. He seemed so guilty all of a sudden. "Nothing that we need to discuss now. You need to get ready. I want you focused on your routine."

"I am ready and focused. Tell me."

"Another time."

"Please?"

Kova sighed deep. Lowering his voice, he said, "I caught him." My brows furrowed, and he continued shifting on his feet. "I caught him in a position he should not have ever been in. The dating rule began because of his actions."

My eyes popped. "Oh, my God. This is scandalous."

Face drawn, he didn't share my excitement. "No, Adrianna, it is not. I almost killed him. I know what you and I did goes against everything I believe in, and the code of ethics set forth by the gymnastics committee. I knew it was wrong, but I never preyed upon you." I frowned. No, he never had. "But that bastard preyed upon one of my gymnasts and couldn’t control himself."

Kova's eyes lifted over my head and I turned around to follow his gaze.

Holly.

I had tons of questions I wanted answers to, but now was not the time. I had to clear my head and get to my last event. Easier said than done after the bombshell Kova had just dropped on me.

I blocked out all the noise and focused on delivering a flawless floor routine. Ninety seconds later I stood next to Kova waiting for my score. We both turned toward each other, our faces mimicked each other's. Another medal to hang on my wall, all thanks to our teamwork.

On the plane ride home I couldn't stop thinking about Holly and that coach, coupled with the information Reagan had given me weeks ago on the track. I tried not to stare at Holly, but so many questions ran through my head. At the top was, what had Kova meant by that guy preying on her? Did he rape her? But if he did, why was there a no dating rule? That part didn't make sense. I couldn't flat out ask her, so I was left with more thoughts filling my head.

I'd forgotten I had my doctor's appointment early Monday morning and would be late to practice. Instead of texting, I called Kova as soon as I got on the road.

"Allo?"

"Hey, Coach, it's Adrianna."

"I know who it is. Why are you calling me? Is it to tell me you are missing practice?"

I chewed at my lip for a second, listening to a springboard rebound in the background.

"Um, I forgot I have a doctor's appointment this morning I need to go to, but I'll be at practice afterwards."

"What? What appointment? Are you sick? Why have you not told me about this?"

The noise faded behind him and a door shut. He must've walked to his office. I stayed on the right side of the road and looked for the highway.

"I guess I forgot."

"Adrianna, I need to be made aware of things like this when they are scheduled, not last minute."

"I know, and I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind lately."

Kova was quiet for a moment. His voice dropped. "Okay. I will give you that. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"No, I just need a physical," I partially lied.

"I expect a full update when you come in. I would like to do another treatment for you soon. Either before we leave, or when we get back. This weekend is a big one for you, especially after the way you qualified on Saturday. You are doing exceptional, Ria. People know who you are. Timing is everything in gymnastics, and we need to utilize it properly. We leave for the U.S. Classic in four days, and the head coach of the national team will be there inviting those to her camp who are in the top of that meet."

I swallowed back hard. Ria. He slipped but I let it go. He only used that nickname when he was passionate about something.

About five exits away, I grew quiet thinking I should just turn around. "Maybe I should cancel my appointment and just go when we get back."

"No." His voice was firm. "Absolutely not. Your health is important. Go and do what you need to, just come straight here after."

I nodded, as if he could see it.

"See you soon, Coach."

KNOCK, knock, knock.

Finally. The door opened and Dr. DeLang walked in. She always seemed to catch me off guard with her height and youthful appearance. She was no taller than me with the same build, but about twenty years older. At least.

"I apologize for the wait, Adrianna, we got a little backed up."

A little backed up? I'd waited over an hour in the lobby, and almost another hour in the exam room.

"No worries. I'm not in a rush." I plastered on a fake smile.

She opened my patient file and leaned her hips against the counter as she began to scan page after page, her pen running down each one. I waited quietly, wondering what she was reading, trying to slow down my heart rate. Doctor appointments always made me a little anxious.

"Last time you were here we drew blood." She paused and flipped over another paper, taking her time to scan the page. "That was almost four months ago. And you haven't been back since to get the results?"

"No." She eyed me. "I've been a little busy with training."

"I understand life can get a bit hectic, but if you put your health aside and it deteriorates, how will you continue to train?"

I flattened my lips and one of her brows pulled up. She had a point.

"Are you on any medication right now?"

"Other than doing the plasma injections, no."

"All right, tell me about your symptoms and what brought you in."

"What were the results of my blood work?" I asked.

She closed the folder and set it on the counter. "We'll get to that. Tell me what's going on."

My mind went blank and I started to stammer for some stupid reason.

"Well, I'm-I’m really tired. Like unusually tired. To the point of exhaustion. Some days I don't know how I'll get through anything. I know I train a lot, and I probably overdo it, but I feel like I shouldn't feel like this."

"Describe to me what it is you’re feeling."

"My body aches, but it's deep in my bones, like inside of them hurts, if that makes sense."

"Go on."

"I have terrible headaches. Like the blinding pain kind of headache that makes me turn off lights and have to lie down. Sometimes there's a sharpness in my chest that catches me off guard."

Dr. DeLang reopened my file and began taking notes. "What about your period? When was your last cycle?"

I glanced at the ceiling for a second, then back to her. "You know, I can't remember. It's been on and off. I figured the irregularity was due to the heavy training."

"For sure, it can be. You’re still training about forty to fifty hours a week, correct?"

I nodded.

"Are you on birth control to regulate your period?"

"No."

"Having sex?"

"Sometimes."

"But you're using protection, correct?"

"Of course." Plan B was a sort of protection. The only other time I didn't use protection was in the shower with Hayden, and he'd pulled out.

Christ on a stick! Was I pregnant this whole time and didn’t know it?

No. There’s no way.

I may have thrown myself headfirst into gymnastics because I’d been so consumed with everything else going on that I wanted to forget, but I think I’d know if I was pregnant.

"Good. What about illnesses? Any that run in your family?"

"As far as I know everyone seems to be healthy." Not that I knew much of anything about my biological mom, and I was too embarrassed to broach that topic.

"No cancer? Any diseases?" she asked, jotting more stuff down.

"No." I shook my head. She probably thought I was a hypochondriac.

"How well are you sleeping?"

"Some days I pass out as soon as I walk in and don't wake up until my alarm goes off. Other days I'm so exhausted but I just can't seem to fall asleep no matter what I do. I'm all over the place."

"Any fevers?"

"I had a fever a few times."

She looked up at me. "How high was it?"

"I didn't take my temperature."

"Okay. Anything else I need to know about?"

I started to shake my head no, then stopped, recalling something Madeline had said. "One of my coaches said it looked like I had a rash a few weeks ago."

"Where was it?"

I shrugged, helpless. "My cheeks?"

Dr. DeLang made another note before setting the file down. She reached into a cabinet and pulled out a little clear cup with a lid. She wrote my last name on the affixed label before handing it to me. "I'll need a urine sample from you, and then I’ll send you for a new set of labs. I'd rather not go on your last blood panel since it's been so long."

I perked up, the hair on my arms stood tall. "Were there things in it that concerned you?"

"Your vitamin levels were up and down, your iron was below normal, and so was your red blood cell count."

I froze. Her words caused instant anxiety to soar through me. I didn't know much about proper levels, but anything below normal scared me, especially red blood cells.

"Not to worry." She must have sensed my alarm. "A low red blood cell count can be attributed to a lot of things. Nothing to get your mind going until we get the new results."

I went to the bathroom and returned within three minutes. The doctor was busy noting stuff in my chart and looked up when I walked in. She put the folder down and pulled out a pair of latex gloves and snapped them on. She took the sample from me and stepped out of the room for a moment.

"What are you testing for?" I asked when she returned.

"Pregnancy, kidney levels, see if you have a UTI, your liver, blood in your urine, any bacteria. It's just a rapid test to see if I need to start you on antibiotics. The blood work will give us a more comprehensive look at what’s going on."

I frowned, and jumped back up onto the table. I didn't think I had anything wrong with me in those areas, but I also wasn't a doctor either.

Leaning over the counter, she reached for a referral sheet for the blood work and checked off boxes for what I assumed would be the standard lab tests.

There was a light knock on the door before a nurse poked her head in. She handed a sheet of paper to the doctor and closed the door behind her.

"As of right now, there's some protein in your urine," Dr. DeLang said after scanning the sheet.

"What's it caused from?"

"Protein in urine could mean a number of things. Typically, it's a sign to test the kidneys, but given your age, and the pressure you put on your body to train, it easily could be due to dehydration, strenuous exercise, and even extreme emotional stress. Your high protein diet could also easily be the reason."

Emotional stress. Fuck. Of course, that was it. And coupled with my diet? A recipe for disaster. Only problem was, I couldn't tell her how stressed out emotionally I was without it raising flags for more questions.

"I’ll see you back in a week or two." She peered at me over her glasses and gave me a look my dad would’ve given me to indicate he was serious.

"I have a couple meets back-to-back so it may be a month before I can get back here."

She eyed me, then handed me the lab sheet. I jumped off the table and stood up to face her. "No eating after midnight—you need to fast. Go first thing in the morning. Until then, go home and rest, Adrianna. Do not go to practice, go home. And don't make it more than a month till I see you again."

I nodded, ignoring the rest part. I could rest when I was dead.

"Could the protein be due to taking too much Motrin?"

She tilted her head to the side, observing me. "The medication itself wouldn't cause it. You'd have to ingest a great deal of Motrin over time for it to affect your kidneys."

"I have. I was going through a few big bottles a month at one point."

Her eyebrows shot up. "While I don't think that could have caused any kind of long-term side effects just yet, absolutely no more until we get the results in." She paused briefly to look in my chart. "If I recall, you can't have any kind of anti-inflammatory with the plasma injections."

I didn't answer. Just flattened my lips and told her I'd be at the lab bright and early.

Pulling out of the office building complex, I dialed up Kova to tell him I'd be at practice within the hour.

"Adrianna, go home and sleep. Lord knows you need it. I will see you tomorrow morning. And by the way, we are going to sit down and talk. I had no idea you had anything serious going on with you."

My jaw dropped and I missed the entrance to the highway. "What? What are you talking about? There's nothing serious going on."

"Do not take me for a fool. This conversation is over. I will see you tomorrow."

"What? I have to practice!" I screeched, instantly heated as I made a U-turn. I'd just qualified to compete at the U.S. Classic, where the national team would be picked. I had to practice this week more than ever. "How do you even know?"

"Your doctor phoned your father, and then he called me. Get your ass in bed."

I ground my teeth together. I'd forgotten everyone was connected.

"Did you just growl?" Kova asked.

Maybe. "I assume you know everything, too," I said.

"Of course," he answered flippantly. "Your father told me. I told you to stop with that fucking Motrin."

I didn't respond, just hung up on him and threw my phone to the floor. Fucking Russian.

"What is wrong?" Kova asked behind me.

I didn't answer him, I didn't even look over my shoulder. After a ten-hour day of practice, I got my items together and shoved them into my bag like I was punching someone.

I was still upset that he’d made me take a rest day from practice during such a critical time for me. Nationals were just days away, there was no time for rest. While I may have slept all day yesterday until my alarm went off this morning, I didn't need to. I'd been bored and stewing with annoyance that I’d tried watching television only for my eyes to roll shut before the first commercial.

"I asked you a question," he said. "Are you going to answer me?"

No.

Pulling out my hair tie, I fluffed my dry strands before tying it up in a messy bun. There was so much chalk in my hair that I didn't need to use dry shampoo.

I reached forward and pulled out my sweats and my keys fell to the floor. I ignored them while I slipped my shirt on over my sports bra. When I pushed my head through the neck hole, Kova was standing next to me, jingling my keys in his hand.

I stood and reached for them, but Kova lifted his arm and put them out of my reach. There was no smirk, no hint of laughter. He just stared at me, waiting on an answer. Something came over me, I'm not sure what, and I shoved his chest.

"Give them back," I demanded, seething.

"Why are you so mad?"

"Because you're breathing in front of me." I reached for my keys again, but he lifted his arm higher. "Why do you act like such a child?" My leg twitched as I considered kneeing him in his junk. That would make him drop my keys immediately.

His eyes looked back and forth between mine. "I am just getting on your level. Now, why are you so mad? I thought for sure you were going to throw a block of chalk at me a few times today."

"How observant of you," I said blandly. "Now give me back my keys. I want to go home."

"Talk to me, Adrianna."

My eyes flared. "You don't deserve my time."

"You are still upset about yesterday," he stated. I jumped, trying to reach, but I was too short. "I called you last night to come in for conditioning after hours because I knew how you were going to react, but you never answered."

He had called, but I never heard my phone ring. Of course, knowing now why he’d called only made me angrier, because I would've left my condo in under five minutes if I had known.

Unexplainable red hot rage surged through me and I shoved at his chest again until he fell into the wall. He wrapped his free arm around my lower back and pulled me to him. I drew in a breath, gasping at the closeness of him. A veil of cinnamon and citrus incased my senses, his natural aroma with a hint of tobacco that I hated to love. All the feelings I'd been locking away came roaring back, overpowering me. I fisted his shirt, my chest lifting and falling fast, my head a hazy mess. I needed to back away, but the feel of his body, the warmth, the hardness—I realized I’d missed it so much.

"I was only looking out for you," he said, breathing into me. I shivered. His gaze turned heavy, eyes glossy. "Be mad at me all you want, I do not care, but one day you will see that what I do is only to ever help you and never hurt you." He paused. "The thought of hurting you makes me sick, Adrianna."

"Stop," I murmured. "Don't say that." Staring at his chest, I shook my head vehemently. He wasn't looking out for me, he was looking out for himself, as always. "Please, just give me my keys and let me go," I whispered.

Kova dipped his head next to mine. My lips parted as he got closer. "You are the one holding on to me."

My heart stopped. I was holding onto him. I unclenched his shirt only for him to press his hand into my back. Tension thickened between us and the air grew hot. I swallowed, heart pounding, I fisted his shirt again and leaned my weight into him.

Kova softened a little. "I would never force you to do something against your will," he said near my cheek. "If you want to leave, leave, but I do not think you want to. I think you miss me as much as I miss you, and you hate yourself for it. And you know what? I hate myself every fucking day for wanting you the way I do."

I pulled back and watched his gaze drop to my mouth. I may have been surrendered in his hold, but I was just as dominant as he was. We both had a power over the other that was too lethal, too toxic, too suggestive for our own good.

"Coach."

"Every day is a battle raging within me to keep my distance. Some days all I want is to just be around you. It is that simple."

Oh God. I needed to leave, but I couldn’t find it in me to move.

"Coach," I said again.

"Hmm…"

"I have to go."

"So leave."

But my body wouldn't move. I wanted to stay like this a little bit longer. I wanted to lean into him and unwind in the security of his embrace, but I was too afraid.

I looked into his eyes. "What are you thinking?"

His eyes remained focused on my mouth. He ran his tongue along his bottom lip and my heart skittered against my chest. I knew that look. I knew it too well, like he wanted to devour me and leave me breathless, just as he had many times before.

"So much. I do not know where to even start."

I got it. I felt the same way.

"You have no idea how it is killing me, Adrianna, the way you hate me, the way you look at me with such contempt. I deserve your hate and everything you feel inside, but I cannot stomach it."

He raised his head and our eyes connected. Being like this again brought it all back. The desire. The need. I still craved this stupid Russian man.

"Kiss me," I said, my voice an array of sinful tones. "Please."

He shook his head. "No." His chest rose and fell rapidly, the lines around his eyes deepened with anguish. "You will regret it and hate me even more."

He was right. I probably would hate him, but then I thought of something.

"What if I kiss you?"

"Why? Why would you want to do that?"

This time I shook my head and the words fell from my lips before I could stop them. "I don’t know. I really don't. Maybe, just for a second, I want to forget everything and not feel so empty inside. Because when I'm with you, I don't have a worry in the world. Like I'm me and you're you, and nothing else matters."

I closed my eyes, instantly regretting what I’d said.

"You should not want to kiss me…" He left his response open, and I picked up on it.

"No, I shouldn't. You're no good for me," I said.

"I am terrible for you." He paused, his mouth turning down. "I wish I was not. I wish I was a better man for you."

We were both bad for each other. He was power, I was obsession. No matter how highly charged our connection was, the result would always be the same. Destruction. Obliteration. Ruin. But yet, we couldn’t break apart completely. Like we were tied to each other with no chance of escaping.

My eyes drifted to his full lips and I felt his body tremble against mine. My fingers were numb from how tight I held him, but I knew if I let go I'd lose control. Kova was toeing the line and despite all the wrong, it still excited me. He was struggling for me.

"Would you refuse me?" I asked, my voice soft. My heart thundered against my ribs.

"If that is what you want to give me, then I will take it. I am yours."

I didn't hesitate, I moved like a viper.

Latching onto his top lip, I stroked it with my tongue, then bit down. His body yielded to mine and he exhaled a sigh of pleasure. A deep, animalistic groan vibrated from his chest pressed against mine. Kova dropped my keys and cupped the side of my head and held me tighter to him. He kissed me back hard, inhaling deeply through his nose like he was breathing me in.

His tongue delved into my mouth, and I sighed, letting go of everything like I always did with Kova. We couldn't get enough of each other. Our kisses were fueled with greed and longing, tangled with passion only we understood. His thumb drew circles over my hammering pulse, while his other hand warmed my body, trembling with uncontrolled need.

"No more," I said, breaking the kiss.

He was breathing heavily. "Okay."

His quick acceptance switched something inside me and I leaned into him, taking control, and kissed him again. Kova slid his palm down my hip and over my butt. He grabbed my thigh and hiked my leg up around his hip, his hands desperate as they roamed my skin. His erection nudged my waist, and the tips of his fingers dipped inside my elastic shorts.

I needed this.

Kova applied pressure to the grip he had on my neck and a shock of desire zipped down my spine. He kissed me with a hint of control, showing me he was still very much in charge, even though I was setting this pace. My mind went blank until all I felt was his touch, and I focused on the pleasure he ignited throughout my body. His hand slid further into my shorts, and I drew in a quiet breath as his fingers taunted me until I was rocking into him. My teeth sank into his lip and he moaned, cupping me with a fierce grip. My back arched and I broke the kiss to breathe, dropping my head to his chest.

"We can stop," he said, much to my shock.

All I could do was shake my head no.

Flattening his tongue, Kova drew a wet trail slowly up my neck to my ear. I drew in a lustful gasp and clutched his shirt, trying not to shudder. He shifted until he had one thigh between mine, and then swept a finger over my wet slit. It'd been so long since I had felt the kind of pleasure only he could give me.

Kova scowled under his breath, a lilt of Russian danced decadently across my skin. "I can always tell when you want me. Your pussy drips with need, so swollen I can feel it throbbing." A purr released from my throat. "You love it." He breathed heatedly down the column of my neck. I tried to block out the sensations coursing through my body. My head rolled to the side as goose bumps broke out over my scorching flesh. "You love that I can make you forget your worries and let you just be you."

Kova ran his forehead along my nape, his facial hair grazing my jaw. His teeth nipped my sensitive skin. I inhaled deeply and his finger was in my panties, breaching the folds of my sex. My eyes rolled shut and I groaned in response as he teased my entrance, pressing on my opening before pulling away.

"Admit that no one will ever make you feel the way I do. Yes, I lied about some shit, but do not tell me that we do not belong together. This, right here, this is not normal, and that is why we cannot stay away from each other. I know I ruined you, but trust me when I say it has destroyed me just as much."

"Getting married is not some shit." I managed to chew out.

"You are completely right."

Oh hell, I couldn't take the tightness in my chest much longer. Tears filled my eyes because I hated that he was right and that he’d ruined it for us. Hated that he lied. Hated that he’d had sex with me while he was married. Hated that I was allowing him to touch me now, making me crave more of him, and that I wanted to come. I hated the whole situation and my traitorous body. I sighed, suddenly drained from this back and forth we were doing.

"I regret not telling you from the start. It is my biggest regret. I want to make things right between us."

My heart pounded. "How will it ever be right?"

"I do not know, but I will try to find a way," he said, leaning into me. A deep moan rolled off his lips onto my heated flesh when he placed his hand on my aching pussy. "I will do everything in my power to correct this between us. I hate myself for hurting you. I need you, more than you know."

I whimpered, trying not to let his comment affect me. I wanted to believe him, and there was a part of me that did, but a repeated mistake was a conscious decision. I thought I was strong, but when it came to Konstantin Kournakova, I was completely defenseless. My head knew better, but my heart didn't.

Kova lifted my chin and dropped a light kiss to my lips. His nose grazed mine. Heart racing, I looked deep into his eyes and felt a mixture of anguish and affection that I couldn't deny, no matter how much I hated him.

"Let me make you feel good. You need the release, I can feel it."

I swallowed and answered with a push of my hips as that divine rush of bliss started climbing. Our lips met and two fingers pushed into me deliberately slow. This wasn't just any kiss. He kissed me like he was begging me to believe everything he’d said.

It was hard not to.

His hardness prodded my side but he didn't make any attempt to do anything for himself. Knees weak, I wound my arms around his shoulders, and Kova held me tighter with his free hand. I released a lusty moan and my nipples tingled from the orgasm that was steadily climbing. I caught a sharp corner of something after each thrust, then the smooth glide of his hand against my skin.

Soft and hard, just like us.

He pushed into me, and I clenched, almost close to the edge when I felt the sharpness again. "Something is cutting into me," I said against his mouth.

I arched my hips and his mouth parted on a breath. "So soft and dripping."

We moved against each other, and I ignored that rigid material that was actually starting to feel good. Pleasure with pain, something Kova had taught me to crave and love. I wondered if he was imagining he was thrusting into me with the way his hips rolled, with how seductive his tongue entwined with mine, and the way his chest rose and fell. It was erotic and made me desire him even more.

"Let go," he said. "I can feel you holding back."

With his demand, Kova hit the right spot and it catapulted me over the edge. He deepened his kiss. He slid two fingers into my pussy and I ground harder against his hand, clenching as I came on his fingers, rubbing so hard I saw stars. There was a little pinch, but it was soon forgotten about. I needed this orgasm and I realized the times with Hayden had been a total waste. He didn't hold a candle to Kova.

I let out a satisfied moan as he caressed my tender pussy. This intense feeling was addicting, and I always wanted more afterwards.

A rush of breath left his lips. "I love seeing you like that," he said. "So beautiful."

"You're still hard." I found myself saying. He shook his head.

Sliding his hand from my shorts, his eyes bore into mine as he brought his fingers to his mouth. They were slick with my pleasure, evidence of how much I enjoyed what he did. His wrist tilted to the side and I caught the flicker of something as he slipped his fingers into his mouth.

My chest tightened and I grabbed his wrist, turning his hand to the side. A knife jammed right into my heart.

My lips parted. No. Please, no.

Regret thumped frantically against my ribs. A coldness washed over me. He was right, I would hate him even more and I wanted to, but this time it was my fault. Not his.

The orgasm I’d willingly given Kova saturated the platinum ring his wife had given him when they’d exchanged their vows.

Body trembling, I stepped back. My eyes skittered across the floor, confused, overwhelmed, lost. Kova reached for me, but I brushed his hand away and sat down on the bench, trying to catch my breath. Shame filled me to the point I was fighting the tears threatening to pour from my eyes.

Finally, I looked up at him.

"Did you do it on purpose?" My voice was quiet and low. "Did you purposely use your ring finger? No—I know you did. That's a total you move. I can't believe I was stupid enough to do this again with you. You're disgusting and I wish I’d never fucking met you."

He looked horrified, but he'd hurt me so many times that I wanted to hurt him back.

"You think I would do that to you? I was not even thinking about which hand I was using. All I was thinking about was that I had you in my arms again."

I shook my head, my heart not able to handle another word. "I can't stomach this thing between us anymore. I can't do this back and forth."

Kova held up his left hand and I flinched. "You think I like wearing this fucking ring? The truth is I have to, as it is part of the agreement. Otherwise I would have had it fucking melted and dumped into the sea."

He shook his head, and dropped his arm to his side, but I just couldn't do it anymore. It wasn't fair to everyone involved, especially for the person who would ultimately lose in the end.

Me.

"How do you do it?" I asked. An eerie calmness settled in me.

"Do what?"

"How can you be with me while you're married? How do you look at yourself? Don't you have any guilt?"

Kova swallowed hard, his Adam's apple moving up and down. His black brows furrowed, his green eyes danced across my heartbroken face. Tears blurred my vision. I wished I'd never allowed myself that moment of weakness.

Clearing his throat, he scratched the back of his neck and looked away. "No, I do not. Not when it is you who I am with."

My jaw dropped. "Oh, really? Then why do you call Katja 'my beloved' in your language when you're speaking to her?" I asked, crossing my arms. "I know what it means. You called Katja your beloved." He opened his mouth to speak but I kept talking. "Enough! Stop playing games with my mind. Can't you see what it's doing to me?" My chin quivered. "Can't you see that it's killing me? Can't you see that you're breaking my fucking heart?"

His eyes filled with guilt and I actually felt a sentiment of sadness for him. "What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do? Help me out here because I am just as fucked as you."

I reared back, swiping a tear away. "No, you're not. Not even close. Pick one person and be done. I know today was my fault, and I don't blame you for this, but you can't be with both of us. I won’t allow it."

"You want me to pick you? Is that it? And what if I did? Where would that get us?" He paused, his face a twist of emotions I didn't want to read into. "Nobody wins, Adrianna. There are consequences to every decision. Do you not get that? Someone will get hurt."

Typical man. He was so dumb. "Can't you see that I'm already hurt?"

His jaw flexed. "What do you want me to do?" he conceded. "You think I do not see how you are hurting every day? I see it, and my hands are tied right now. I have no choice in anything."

I stayed quiet as I stared. I didn't want to answer for him. I wanted to be his answer.

"That’s the thing, you already chose."

"Just so you know, I did not pick her," Kova said, his shoulders wilting.

"How do you live with your lies?" Kova tilted his head, his gaze confused. "You know what? Just go. You have no respect for me or your damn wife." I took a few steps until I was in front of him. "We're done. We have to be done. I don’t want you near me, I don’t want you to talk to me. Not unless we're in practice or at a meet. Other than that, there's no reason for me to associate with you."

His face fell, and he took a step toward me. "Adrianna—" My name was a desperate whisper on his lips. "You wanted this, and I gave it to you. Please…"

I shook my head. "I know, and I take full responsibility, but no more. I'm done. Tell me no if there ever is a next time, which there won't be."

Kova propped his hands on his hips and angled his head toward the floor, staring like he was lost and didn't know his way.

"No more," I choked out and reached down to swipe my keys from the floor. "I just can't do it anymore. It's too much for me."

The pinch of his wedding band was a reminder of the emotional pain he’d created, and while I knew I loved him, I equally hated him. But after today I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted with myself.

The U.S. Classic was the biggest competition of my career thus far. I’d be competing against the top elite gymnasts in the country for one of the coveted spots on the national team.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. Getting to this point, to this day, wasn’t just taxing on the body, but also on the mind. My nerves were shot, and I’d hardly slept the past couple of nights, but I was containing it. Cool, calm, and collected.

I blew out a shaky breath as Kova rubbed my shoulder.

"Do not be scared."

"I'm not."

I was terrified.

This was it. What I’ve always wanted. My Olympic dream was within reach, and there was no one here to share it with except Kova. None of my teammates had qualified to be here. Not even Madeline came. She’d stayed back with everyone else as they continued business as usual.

I scanned the growing crowd and briefly wondered if my dad had made it. He may not have been to every practice or meet, but he always showed up when it mattered. As for Joy, I wasn’t sure if she’d come with him or not. I hadn’t spoken to her since her drunken revelation. I thought maybe she’d reach out to me, considering she was the only mother I’d ever known and, oddly, I’d even held a sliver of hope that she would. But the more I thought about it, I knew she was the kind of negativity I couldn’t afford right now.

I was next in line for vault and watched a gymnast take a huge double hop on her landing. She had the same vault as I did—the Amanar. While the Amanar was mostly muscle memory, not every gymnast could reach the height required for this skill.

"Opportunity only knocks once. This is your moment to let go of all the bullshit and show the world who you are." Kova stepped in front of me, his eyes lit with a contentment that soothed my flustered nerves. "You are going to come out a champion because this is what you were made for. That is what differentiates the gymnasts who are a dime a dozen. The ones who say they are going to do it, versus the ones who are resilient enough to get the job done." Kova paused, his gaze dropping to the floor before looking back up. "I know I do not say it often, but I am so proud of you. You are extraordinary. All those times when you hesitated, when fear simmered beneath your control, you were still courageous enough to try when others would have given up. You fought. You gave your all. Be proud of yourself, Adrianna. You have achieved massive accomplishments."

Acting on impulse, I jumped into Kova's arms and hugged him tight. It took him a moment to return the hug, but he did it, just a little stiff and unprepared. Not that I was surprised. This was the most contact, verbally and physically, I’d allowed us since the other night in the gym.

I rested my head on his shoulder and squeezed my eyes shut, absorbing his words I didn't know I needed to hear. They rolled off his lips in an inspiring tone and left me feeling self-assured.

An energy to thrive was brewing.

My wings were spreading, ready to coast.

Kova was feeding my soul, fighting off my demons, and he didn't even know it.

"Thank you," I said softly, squeezing him again. "I needed to hear that." He ran his palms in circles on my lower back before he pulled away.

"Go show them what you are made of."

I offered Kova a smile, then walked to the little box at the end of the runway that contained chalk. I slapped some on the bottom of my feet and inner thighs. I blocked out the noise of the crowd and kept my focus on each routine, rotation, and, of course, the scoreboard.

Inhaling a deep breath, I shifted on my feet and visualized the vault I was about to perform, like I'd done many times before. My eyes shifted to Kova for any last-minute directions, but all he did was smile. I exhaled, and stepped behind the white line.

It was go time.

Raising my arms so they were extended in front of me, I stood on my tiptoes and stepped into my run, swinging my arms back for momentum.

I got this… I got this…I got this… I chanted to myself as I neared the apparatus, running as fast as I could. Speed was absolutely crucial for this skill. Hurdling into a round-off, I rebounded off the springboard and arched back, my body a steep angle, remembering all the times Madeline and Kova had yelled at me to block as hard as I could. I exploded off the table. My stomach fluttered and my body snapped down to generate power. I started rotating while I continued to fly upward, squeezing every muscle to stay tight. It all happened so fast and yet it felt like slow motion. My body glided off muscle memory and I opened up for my landing.

Ankles glued together, my feet pounded into the mat. I let out a gush of air and raised my arms; chalk floated around me from the impact of my landing. I smiled and saluted, then turned to salute the judges.

No hop. No shift in my stance or step out.

I’d stuck my landing perfectly.

The huge grin was still on my face when I turned toward Kova, who enthusiastically clapped his hands and threw a fist in the air, yelling his excitement. He spotted me as I stepped off the podium and I flew into his arms.

"Velikolepnyy! Magnificent!" Kova shouted, and kissed the side of my cheek. "Velikolepnyy!"

Giving me one last squeeze, he released me and grabbed my shoulder. A little shake and he yanked me to him for another hug. I laughed, feeling his surge of happiness roll into me.

It didn't take long for my score to flash above our heads. Excitement bloomed inside my chest. Much to my surprise, I was currently in first place on the first rotation.

"Put' k rabote! Way to go!" he shouted in Russian. "Ah, velikolepnyy, Adrianna!"

My cheeks ached from grinning so big. No matter how hard I trained, seeing my name in first place was always a shock. "Thank you."

"Come. We must get ready for bars now."

I nodded and quickly grabbed my bag to follow Kova to the next rotation. I kept my focus only on my coach and didn't look around at the audience or the other events. I needed my head to stay in the game, and Kova was my center. Even when I was panicked and at my worst, Kova always kept me focused and balanced.

After I pulled on my grips, I chalked up. I'd be performing the new release skills Kova and I had worked on the last couple of weeks, along with my dismount.

"Remember, do not hold on too long when your dismount comes," he said as he stood next to me, then he gave me some other last-minute pointers. I nodded and nodded, and nodded some more. I stepped behind the mat and waited for the green light, while Kova moved to stand parallel to the apparatus.

Once I was given the okay from the judges, bars went as smoothly as vault, and my routine was over before I could take a breath. I landed my new dismount, smiling from ear to ear, and immediately searched for Kova. One look into his eyes and I knew he felt the same thing I did. Satisfaction. I thought he was going to fly onto the mat and sweep me off my feet. He was beaming, his green eyes large and evoking passion.

I felt good. Really damn good.

Kova engulfed me in a hug. "You took my breath away out there," he said near my ear. Goose bumps broke out over my arms. "I was in awe watching you."

I pulled back and lifted one side of my mouth into a shy grin. "Thanks, Coach."

There were two events down and two to go when that shadow of doubt crept into my mind as we moved on to beam. Had I practiced hard enough? Made all the necessary adjustments? Had I put enough heart into everything? I may finish in the top eight, even the top three at the rate I was going, but that still didn't mean I'd secure one of the twelve seats I dreamed of having.

Butterflies swirled in my stomach. I wanted to be in the All-Around, a gymnast used in all four events, but I could easily be a specialist and only compete in one event. While my performance today weighed heavily in their final decision, all my past meets played a part in it as well. There had been various times when a gymnast hadn't performed up to par at a nationals meet but had excelled in previous competitions and still picked for the team. It was all about who could perform under pressure and handle representing the country, and I had to wonder if I’d done enough.

Kova snapped his fingers and I immediately looked at him. "Focus. Do not go where you just were again." I nodded. "Now, you have the option here on beam. Do you want to push the difficulty, or perform your usual routine?" Kova asked.

Every gymnast had a list of backup skills with a myriad of difficulty they could add or remove to a routine depending on what happened at a meet and who they were competing against. That way, if a gymnast before me fell off the balance beam, or touched it with both hands after a large wobble, then I'd be able to lower my difficulty for a safer, cleaner routine if I wanted. The same went for all the other events. I had choices, though not many, and I'd only changed mine a select few times.

Chewing my bottom lip, I considered my options. I could keep it safe, or I could take a risk. I was quick to chance the difficulty with other events because I was more confident in them, but balance beam always fucked me sideways.

But not today, Satan. Not. Today.

I glanced at Kova. "Let's do it."

He studied me, the corners of his mouth twitching. I knew he was sizing me up, making sure I was mentally ready, and I appreciated that. Finally, his shoulders relaxed and he nodded his head, a grin spread across his face. Kova was excited and that made me feel good because I wanted to make him proud.

"Excellent."

We went over strategy and what I would change. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to give me that extra edge.

Right before I saluted the judges, I patted my hands in the chalk bowl to absorb my feelings, and I wondered for a split second if I had made a grave mistake by pushing it.

Mental blocks. Anxiety. Overthinking. A gymnast’s worst nightmare.

I exhaled a deep breath. I hated when I did this and reminded myself that I had one thing a lot of gymnasts didn't have—a supportive coach who would never put my well-being at risk if he thought I didn't have what it took.

Smiling to myself, I counted my blessings.

Too late to turn back now, I mounted the beam and surrendered myself to the sport.

Stepping onto the podium for my last routine of the meet, I was unstoppable and focused.

This was it.

After owning beam and making it my bitch, anxiety was no longer an issue. I turned vision into victory and conquered the obstacle of self-doubt. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by tackling every fear plaguing me.

As soon as my feet touched the blue carpet, I was on a different level mentally—confident and passionate as I sashayed across the floor in graceful movements. I put as much passion as I could into this sport that had captivated my heart from a young age. The chalk became my shimmer and I floated effortlessly, hitting all my required skills, remaining fluid and light as a silky ribbon on floor as I had been on the balance beam.

Stepping down the stairs, I high-fived Kova and went in for a quick hug.

"There was one tumbling pass where you came dangerously close to stepping out of bounds and a double turn where you came out a little too early, but overall I am not concerned," he said.

Hot as hell and breathing heavily, I nodded in agreement. I propped my hands on my hips and waited. I could tell he felt good and that relieved me, but just knowing the smallest mistake could cost me everything was still always a thought in the front of my mind.

"I almost completely fell out of the turn. I don't know how I didn't, to be honest. My hips were so off-centered, I could feel it. Did I take too many pauses? Were they long? How were my leaps? Did I look like a stiff robot?" The corner of his mouth tugged up on one side and his eyes shone down on me. "I almost changed my last tumbling pass," I blurted out.

His brows bunched together. "Of course, I am glad you did not, but what happened?"

Panting, I shook my head. "I don't know. It was like this exhaustion took over me and it would've been easier to downgrade, but in those few seconds I had, I knew I'd regret it if I did."

"You are done and it is out of your hands. No more stressing. You were incredible today, Adrianna. You gave it your all. Regardless of what happens, this is possibly the best day of my life. You made coaching very rewarding."

My shoulders sagged and a smile of gratitude tipped my lips.

Turning around, I dug through my duffle bag for my sweats. My throat was taut with the emotion I'd blocked out and the adrenaline was feeding my blood. The months leading up to this day, the struggle, the climb, it all came down to this afternoon and the work I’d just put in, but also the dedication of my coaches. They were my backbone, especially Kova.

"Yeah!" Kova erupted behind me. "Bud' ya proklyat. Vote to da!"

I spun around and immediately looked up at the screen for my name. I stood in shock, unable to form words or even blink. My brain was a pile of mush. I couldn't think straight while I stared at the numbers like they were roman numerals and I was trying to remember which one meant what.

I didn't anticipate a maximum score after the few errors I knew I made, but I also didn't expect it to be that good either. I was in the lead, but only by a tenth of a point. The only event I wasn't first in was beam, but that didn't shock me.

Kova spun into me with a hug and pulled back just as quickly. My face lit up and I laughed through a smile. His tongue was rolling with Russian words I didn't understand and his entire face was bursting with joy.

"What do you have to say?" he asked.

"Ahh, ahh… I don't know. I'm just shocked right now. Is this real life?"

I covered my face with my hands and smiled, feeling so giddy over this moment. I glanced up at the standings again in disbelief. There were still a few rotations left for the gymnasts who'd started after I had, but I held my head high with hope.

Taking a seat, I leaned over and placed my elbows on my knees, and stared at the floor. I clasped my hands together and took in this accomplishment. I was a little deep in my emotions and wanted to remember this moment without the flashing of lights and cameras everywhere. Within the next hour I'd know if I had made the national team.

"Adrianna," Kova said, taking a seat next to me. He placed a hand on my back. "Have faith and trust me. What you did today was nothing less than extraordinary."

I looked at him. "I trust you as my coach, but you know I can't blindly trust you. Trusting you has gotten me nowhere."

A shadow crossed his eyes and remorse instantly filled me. I wasn't sure why I said that. It was cruel and just as soon as it left my lips, I regretted it. He'd given me everything I'd asked for in the gym, but the word trust and the name Kova didn't mesh well together and grated under my skin.

"I'm sorry."

"I know what is going through your head right now. You are an anxious ball of nerves and questioning everything. You are edgy. Your fingers are tingly. You have too much adrenaline pumping through you. It is normal to feel that way." I nodded, ashamed. It was like he was in my head. "And," he added, leaning in closer, "if you actually meant what you said, we would not be here right now."

I rolled my lips between my teeth and bit down, pushing the tears back. "You're right… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"Do not apologize. In all fairness, I have given you reasons to doubt me, but never when we are coach and gymnast. I have given you my all and more because I believe in you. I hope you can see that."

I tilted my face to the side and listened to his voice. "I can."

Kova nodded and handed me my jacket.

"I can't wear that right now. I'm sweating." He laughed, and I laid it on top of my bag. "Do you really mean that, though? That I did excellent today?"

"You should know by now I do not sugarcoat. I would not say it if it were not true." He placed his hand on my knee and I turned to face him. "You are a performer and you blew me away today, but you have since the season started. If the judges and head coaches for the team do not see that, then I have lost faith in the sport. You deserve to be on the national team. You gave it everything, and if we were not in front of hundreds of people, I would show you exactly how I truly feel and pull you in and kiss you right now. You radiate with a glow that draws me in in ways I cannot explain."

"Coach…" I kept my voice low, fearful someone could hear.

He put a hand up and waved me off. "I am sorry. I know it is wrong of me, but it is what I feel inside right now. I am enamored with every part of you—mind, body, and soul. I am addicted to the way your body takes over when you are under pressure and perform. I cannot tear my eyes from you. You are going places, Adrianna Rossi, and I wish I could be there with you every step of the way."

I shook my head, not understanding. "What are you talking about? You will be there."

His lips turned down and it caused a twinge in my chest. "Not forever."

I closed my mouth as realization set in. Time passed painfully slow, my emotions a disastrous mess I couldn't make sense of. Tears burned the back of my eyes and I struggled to steady my breath. Kova was, once again, right. He wouldn't be there forever as my coach, and despite all our grievances, I didn't want to fathom that. There were no two people as in sync as us, and moving further apart. It wasn't fair.

We sat together in silence as the meet finished. The announcer’s voice thundered across the gym with directions for the coaches and athletes.

Kova's throat bobbed as he swallowed. "Come on. Let us go and wait as the final scores are tallied."

I nodded, and picked up my gym bag and slung it over my shoulder. After sitting for the last hour, my body had time to decompress and the weight of the day set in. Everything was tight and the pain under my ribs was back. I drew in a quiet breath and applied pressure to my side. Clenching my eyes shut, I prayed the pain would go away and accidently stepped into Kova.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Oh, ah, yeah. I was just yawning and tripped," I lied.

I followed closely by his side, purposely not looking at the scoreboard. The last time I viewed it, I was still in the top eight, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

We joined the other coaches and gymnasts. Kova patted my back, giving me words of encouragement and praise for my effort. The chatter grew louder, as did the pounding in my temples. Stars danced in my vision, either a sign of dehydration or stress. Reaching into my bag, I pulled out a bottle of water and took a large swallow.

Heavy clapping reverberated throughout the arena. I looked around in confusion, then I spotted the head of the women's USA team, Elena Lavrov, walking onto the gym floor in her usual red, white, and blue sweats. My heart stopped and I automatically grabbed Kova's hand. He gave me a reassuring squeeze without looking and then released it.

Elena was an iconic figure, a legend in the gymnastics world, renowned for her ability in training and keen eye. Born in Romania but now a citizen of the United States, she was known for taking drastic measures to be the absolute best.

The flat-screen televisions overhead were now blank in preparation to list all of the national team members. The noise in the room died down. This was the moment we’d all been waiting for.

I placed my bag and water by my feet and took a deep breath, trying to steady my emotions. I used the back of my hand to wipe the little beads of sweat from my top lip, then I tightened my ponytail. This woman, who was all of five-foot-five, wielded so much power. She was the scissors who cut dreams in half, and the super glue that bonded them forever.

Taking the mic, Elena spoke with a heavy Romanian accent almost too thick to understand. I leaned forward as if it would help me hear her better.

"Today, we had a tremendous outcome with many fine and extremely talented gymnasts. Your dedication to the sport, and yourselves, shows no bounds. You all are the best of the best and should be very proud of your accomplishments." Elena paused, her eyes bouncing over the gymnasts. "For some of you, today marks the end of the season. Do not be discouraged. Never give up on what you believe in or what you dream of, because then you are giving up on yourself, and that would be a tragedy." She smiled and I felt it in my chest. "Take a moment and look around this room. Four of you will go on to represent the United States at the next Olympic Games."

Applause broke out, then quickly dissipated.

"Everyone wants to come out on top, but remember, at the Games, gymnastics is a team sport. If you are chosen today, you are chosen for what is best for the team and your country. Whether that be an All-Around competitor or a Specialist, or an alternate, either way, consider it an honor. Gymnastics is based on a system where you amass points for difficulty, then execution. We want the highest level of gymnasts inspiring each other to do more, to gain that top spot on the podium." Elena held up her index finger. "You must remember, this is not just about winning. We all want to win. This is about how much more you are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the team and yourself. How much you are willing to give up, to reign supreme as a whole. It is not about what you do, but how you do it. This is only the beginning, my girls."

The arena was in complete silence as she unfolded a piece of paper in her hands. Pandemonium was about to break out, both tears of joy, and tears of downright soul-crushing defeat.

Everything I had worked for depended on this moment. Everything.

"In no particular order, here are the members of the national team."

She announced two girls, and high-pitched screams broke out to the beat of her broken English. She read off two more names, then another, and another. Her deep accent caused her to mispronounce a few. When she got to number seven, and my name still hadn't been called, dread formed in the pit of my stomach.

Gymnastics was a merciless sport.

If my name wasn't called, I'd walk away stoically and figure out my next step.

I. Would. Not. Cry. I had to be strong.

Elena announced girls eight and nine, leaving only three spots left.

The tenth gymnast was named and everything around me faded to a blur. My heart plummeted to the floor, taking my confidence with it. Another name was called that wasn’t mine. The back of my eyes burned and my jaw trembled from intense emotions hitting me all at once. I thought I was going to faint when I got a small nudge in my side.

"Go! What are you waiting for?" Kova nudged me harder and yelled in my ear. I blinked, my brows drawn together and my gaze disoriented.

Kova shoved me forward and I almost cursed at him, but then he gave me the look. I straightened my shoulders and spotted Elena. She wore a huge grin on her face as she happily waved me forward. Tears immediately blurred my vision and chills broke out down my arms.

The pressure in my chest eased and I looked over my shoulder at Kova for guidance. He clapped and shouted my name, mouthing for me to go, to keep moving.

I looked back at Elena in complete and utter shock.

Elena had called my name. I was number eleven.

I couldn't control my emotions any longer and burst into tears. Gymnasts rubbed my shoulders and congratulated me through sobbing giggles as I walked past them. I observed my new teammates while I strode to the end of the line, each girl held the same reaction as me—blotchy faces, teary eyes, giant smiles stretched from ear to ear.

Oh. My. God.

My name had been called. I'd done it. I'd made the national team! I was one step closer to making the Olympic team.

My face fell into the palms of my calloused, chalky hands, and I bawled uncontrollably. My shoulders shook while I stood in line with the others. I’d made it. I’d thought this was the end of my career as a gymnast, that I hadn't been picked… But I’d made it.

"Here are the members of the United States National Women's Gymnastics Team," Elena said into the microphone, her voice rebounding off the walls of the arena. She waved her arm toward her new team. "Let us give a round of applause to those who made it, and to those who fought so diligently to be here. You all deserve to be rewarded for your hard work."

With the back of my hands, I wiped my eyes and looked up. I took a deep breath and exhaled. My heart broke for the girls who stood in front of me with tears of sorrow streaming down their cheeks. I knew what was going through their minds. They felt like failures, like their lives were over. They wondered if they would ever make it. Questioned what else they could've done to be standing on this side. They would torture themselves, questioning every moment and if it was worth it. Some would give up after this, and some would fight to come back. It was a vicious cycle.

"When I call your name, I would like you to step forward," Elena said. She called out a total of six names, mine being one of them.

Adrianna Rossi. Vault. Uneven bars. Floor. "Here are your specialists."

Chills wracked my body, then a smile tore across my face again. Even better than I'd hoped for.

Once we were released, I didn't have to look far to find Kova. I could feel his eyes on me, all over me, covering my body. I pivoted to face him, and without hesitation, I ran into his arms. Kova lifted me up and I buried my face in his neck as he wrapped his arms around my back and crushed me to him. I hugged him tightly, drew him into me, breathing in the only scent that instantly comforted me. In this moment I couldn’t help but forget all the negative things we’d been through. He'd seen me at my worst, and I'd seen him at his worst. But this was something else entirely. A feeling that couldn’t be explained or understood, just a connection with my other half.

There were no words spoken. None were needed. All the sacrifices, the injuries, the hurtful words, the grueling hours, were worth this moment. To be in his arms, to make it this far with him, and be on the team, was worth everything.

"I knew you had it in you," he whispered. His lips brushed my ear. My heart fluttered against my chest and I wondered if he could feel it.

I swallowed hard. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"Yes, you could have. You had it in you all along. You just needed a push."

"From the right person," I finished for him. "I needed it from the right person."

Kova lowered me down. I slid against his body and my feet met the floor, but we didn't release each other. We stood close, embracing with my hands in the curve of his elbows. It may have seemed strange to be so intimate and touchy with each other out in the open, but other coaches and gymnasts were doing the same thing, some having to console their athletes. I looked at him with gratitude and respect, and he acknowledged it with a small smile.

"Let us go find your father. I spotted him earlier."

I nodded. We didn't have to search long, being that my dad found us first. How he got onto the meet floor was beyond me because no parents were allowed, but I didn't question it. He strode toward us, grinning from ear to ear. He wore dark denim jeans and a white polo button-up shirt with a flashy colorful design on the fabric where the three buttons were left open. His casual attire was a stark contrast to the suits he usually donned.

"Adrianna!" he said with a proud smile, and then lifted me into his arms with a giant hug. He quickly released me and looked down. "I'm so proud of you. Congratulations."

"Thanks, Dad."

He was positively glowing and that made me so happy inside. Dad patted my shoulder. "You were incredible out there. I'm so glad I got to see you perform. I'll never forget it."

I beamed up at him.

"Frank," Kova said, putting his hand out. My dad greeted him.

"Konstantin, I can't thank you enough for getting my daughter one step closer to her dream."

"Ah, I am flattered, but it was not me. Your daughter had it in her all along. I just gave her the direction and means she needed to take it to the next step."

"What's next for her?"

Kova slipped his hands into his pockets and lifted his chin. "She will have camps she is required to attend, and international meets that will be added to her schedule. It is going to be a lot of stress to perform on demand and under pressure, but Adrianna has it in her. I need to meet with Elena, and then we can mull it over with dinner and drinks."

Dad agreed. "Whatever you need, let me know."

Kova wasn't exaggerating. My eyes widened as I peered down at my revised calendar in both hushed shock and eagerness. He’d devised a six-month itinerary for me that left my dad's forehead creased with apprehension. While I was impatient for it to begin, I could tell it was overwhelming for him. If I took a guess, he was probably wondering how I'd manage to do it all. My schedule would change drastically in the form of meets and camps. Seeing what I was about to take on caused a flutter in my heart. This was a challenge I was determined to win.

"I know I questioned this when my daughter first came to you, but I have to ask again because this is just…a lot." He picked up his copy and scanned over it for the tenth time. We sat at a table in the corner of the restaurant in one of the hotels Dad owned. "Will she be able to handle the traveling on top of everything else? The training and the camps? The time change is going to throw her off. I'm worried she's going to get burned out."

I raised my chin. "Of course I can." Kova and my dad looked in my direction. "I can manage, just like I did before."

"She only has so much time," Kova said, and leaned forward. "Adrianna is at her prime. We need to capitalize on it while we can. Not to say that she cannot go for a second Olympics, as it is always a possibility, but her time is now and we want to make the most of it. She has a valid passport, yes?"

"Of course," Dad replied, and scribbled down a few notes. "Surely the parents attend these meets in…" He squinted at his paper before his voice rose to a higher pitch. "Italy? And Scotland?"

Kova cleared his throat and folded his hands in front of him. "Some parents do. However, it is very costly, and the majority cannot afford it."

"So they travel alone to a country they’ve never been, where they have no jurisdiction? That's not going to happen."

All the air left my lungs.

"They travel with their teammates and coaches," Kova corrected him.

Dad's shoulders relaxed marginally. He was worried about the international meets, but with every right. I'd probably feel the same way if I were in his shoes. Any time I'd traveled out of the country, it had always been with my parents. Never alone.

"It's one thing to allow her to live on her own. I can get here in no time and I'm familiar with the area. It's another thing entirely to travel thousands of miles to a foreign country where she has no rights or protection. You mean to tell me parents just let their children go alone? Without a care in the world?" He shook his head and placed the papers down. "No way. Not going to happen. I'll have to check my work schedule and see what I can do."

There went the little bit of air I had left. My ribs throbbed from the pounding they were taking.

"What about Mom?" I couldn't call her Joy in front of Kova.

"Don't count her in on anything at this point," he said. He picked up his cell phone and moved his thumbs swiftly over the screen.

I pulled back, retreating into myself again. I closed down. Don't count her in on anything at this point. She isn’t even my real mother.

My forehead pounded. I couldn't wrap my mind around how she could go from raising me as if I were her own to discarding me like yesterday's trash. True, Joy wasn’t my real mom, but she was the only mom I’d ever known, and despite our differences, she was still my mom and I loved her. Maybe Dad was wrong. There was no way she would just write me off for something I had no hand in.

"What do you mean don't count her in?" I asked gently. "Can I talk to her about it in case you can't be there?" My voice sounded small and brittle. "I've never asked her for anything, but I'll ask her for this. She can't possibly say no."

He didn't respond, just continued to type away on his cell phone.

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat and glanced toward Kova, panic stricken and hoping he’d get the hint. Do something, I pleaded soundlessly. He gave me a subtle shake of his head, and I dropped my gaze. If I had to, I'd ask Kova to speak with him privately. There was no way I'd come this far and then not be able to travel to qualifying meets. I wasn't sure what I'd do if it came down to that, but I'd find a way to go.

"Dad—"

"Adrianna," he said my name. Just one word. And it was enough for me to understand the meaning behind his tone.

I sank into my chair, with my stomach churning bitterly and my heart in my throat. It seemed like every time I got one step closer to my dream I was shoved ten feet back. Dad shot out a series of texts and mumbled angrily under his breath while we sat in silence around the table. Finally, he exhaled a heavy sigh then turned his phone face down.

"Dad—"

"Not now." His head snapped in my direction and I recoiled at his leveled gaze. "We'll talk later." He turned toward Kova. "So, what's next?"

Kova cleared his throat. "Apart from the various meets that are overseas, Adrianna has two camps she must attend. The camp is in Texas and held at the U.S. Olympic Training Site. One is this coming weekend, and the other is next month. Both will last one full week and she will be surrounded by the best of the best in the sport, meaning coaches, doctors, and therapists. She will be well taken care of. She will not be permitted to leave the grounds, but she will have everything she needs. Her meals will be taken care of and she will room with other gymnasts."

"Will you be there with her?" Dad asked.

"I will not."

"Hmm…" I'd traveled alone to other states before, so this one should've been a shoe in, but judging by my dad’s tone, I wasn't so sure now.

"I have many connections there, if that helps you," Kova added.

My dad and Kova continued to discuss what my future entailed in detail until dinner arrived.

"Excuse me." Kova stepped away to take a call midway through our meal. Dad waved him off and ate away at his rare steak like he didn't have a care in the world. We at quietly together.

"I do not mean to be rude," Kova said, returning a moment later, "but I need to continue this call with my wife in private."

I pretended not to care and cut a small sliver of flaky snapper. I took a bite and wondered what he and Katja were going to talk about, then just as quickly let the thought go. I had enough on my plate now, so to speak.

"Not to worry, I'll have the waiter pack up what’s left and send it up to your room," Dad said.

"Thank you, Frank. Adrianna. I will see you both tomorrow." Kova left with his phone pressed to his ear.

Tomorrow we would fly back to Florida. I'd practice like a beast for the next four days, then fly to Texas for a week. I wasn't sure what to expect at camp—I'd only heard rumors—but in between camp I'd be practicing my regular schedule, and critiquing every part of my routines just like I'd done thousands of times before.

"What's wrong?" Dad gestured toward my plate with his steak knife. "Is it not to your liking?"

I took another small bite and swallowed. "It's perfect. Probably the best yellowtail I've had in a while."

He smiled. "You know, if your mother was here, she wouldn't let you eat the potato soufflé."

"I know. She would've had it yanked from my plate and made the waiter take it back."

I glanced down at the little ramekin of puffed up potatoes and my mouth watered. Carbohydrates. How I missed them dearly. I'd only taken a small bite. I'd give anything to lose myself in the bowl of shitty carbs, but I knew better. One little taste wouldn't kill me, but there was not a chance in hell I'd be eating them now since I’d made the national team.

"Speaking of Mom…"

"There's nothing to talk about."

"Dad, please," I begged. "What’s going on?"

"Nothing we haven't already dealt with in the past. Trust me, sweetheart, everything is going to be as it should've been in the end."

I lowered my eyes. He made no sense. His words certainly didn't match his cloying tone, but it was the last thing he said that troubled me. The urge to delve deeper into that statement nagged at my gut something fierce but something told me he'd wind up angry.

"Adrianna, the only thing I want you to worry about right now is gymnastics. That's your first and only focus. I will take care of the rest."

Take care of the rest, as if he could sweep it under the rug. We weren't talking about an old friend I hadn't seen in years, we were talking about the woman who begrudgingly raised me and then shut me out.

Dad gestured toward a small menu. "Do you want dessert?"

I shook my head. "Does she hate me?"

His eyes softened. "No, sweetheart, she could never hate you."

"Then why does she always act like it? Ever since I found out that I'm your dirty little secret—"

Dad's eyes popped and he pointed his finger toward me. "First of all, you're not my dirty little secret and don't you ever say that again."

Tomato, tomahto. "Then why hasn't she made any attempt to contact me or be part of my life?"

"How is that any different than before?" he said.

I snapped my mouth shut, sinking a little inside. I thought about his argument, and he was right. Dad was absolutely right on the mark. She had done so little to be part of my life, and only when it was convenient for her. She never went out of her way for me, and everything she did had a motive. The more I thought about it, the more it sickened me. Nothing had changed, and I was sure it never would now. I swallowed hard, the reality of the situation breaking my heart.

"I apologize," he said, regret filled his voice. "I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine," I replied, shaking it off and cleared my face of any emotion. "You're right. There's no difference. I guess it's just wishful thinking is all."

I was sure there wasn't anything worse than being rejected by a parent for something you had no control over. It wasn't my fault I was born, or that I was the result of an affair. Joy—what a name for someone who was so miserable with her lavish life—took her hurt and anger out on the wrong person, and it was unjust. I needed to remember that, but pretending like the truth didn't faze me was a tough pill to swallow when it was killing me on the inside.

I had to wonder if I ever had a mother who cared. Joy certainly didn't. She made it blatantly obvious she was in the marriage for herself, and my biological mother had been paid off.

I was human. With emotions. Destroyed by the deceptions of my family. And Dad wanted me to forget it as if it were old news.

"Sometimes I forget you're not an adult."

"Dad, I'm not a baby anymore, but you're right," I said with an empty smile. "My only concern right now is gymnastics and nothing more."

If only it were so easy to believe the lies I told myself daily.

I hadn't cried in days, but this morning I woke with a sorrowful emptiness in my chest that nagged at me. I'd hardly slept despite the crippling exhaustion. My eyes were swollen, and I used the best, most expensive under-eye serum to reduce the puffiness and hide any strain that I could find.

That was how I got through each day, pretending I didn't have a care in the world. I was a goddamned robot all the while dying inside.

Recklessly bound together by sports tape, eye cream, and lame all-natural anti-inflammatory medicine Kova had given me, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I could feel it. It was as if the impending doom was curling inside of me. I really didn’t know how I got through each day, but today, I was deep in my feelings and hating it.

I'd been parked and sitting in front of World Cup for an hour in the rain now when I saw Holly and Hayden get out of their car. The plan was to come in early and train, but the moment I’d parked I was rendered motionless. Something about the weather and my emotions were working double time. All I could do was sit and stare. But now I was out of time and had to go in or Kova and Madeline were going to have my head. Especially since we’d revised my training schedule.

I watched Holly run inside, and then I popped my earbuds in and pulled my hood from my sweater over my head before opening my car door. I wanted to avoid talking to Hayden. With the way I was feeling, my new goal was to evade every other obstacle in my life that involved crushing a little more of my soul. It wasn't his fault, but having sex with Hayden had been a mistake I wished I could take back. I'd never tell him that, of course, but it was something that I should've never let happen.

Walking toward the front door of the gym, I was home free when a hand came down on my shoulder and stopped me. I spun around.

"Hey," Hayden said softly, his brows drawn together.

I pulled one ear bud out. "Hi."

"You didn't hear me calling your name?"

"I was listening to music," I lied. My phone started vibrating in my hand. I glanced down and my stomach dropped. It was the doctor's office calling me. They must've gotten the results of my blood test back.

"Do you need to get that?" Hayden asked, using his chin to point toward my cell phone.

I pressed the ignore button and sent them straight to voicemail. I didn't have time to go over the results now with practice about to start.

"No, it's fine. I can call them back during lunch."

"Congrats on making the national team. I'm not surprised though. I had a feeling you'd make it."

"Thanks," I replied. Not even the reminder of making the team could get me out of my dark mood.

"I've been trying to reach you for a while now," he said.

My gaze averted to the ground then back up. He had called a few times but I’d hit the fuck you button every time. "I know," I said quietly. "I'm sorry. I've just been really busy."

Hayden tilted his head to the side and gave me a knowing look. "I can see past your bullshit, you know, but it's cool, I get it." He shifted on his feet and offered me a small smile. He wasn't the type of guy to ever make someone feel bad. "Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. Something I wanted to tell you that I haven't told anyone yet. I wanted you to be the first."

"You haven't told anyone? Not even your sister?"

"Of course I told her. I just meant no one else, not even Reagan," he added. The corners of his eyes crinkled as he gave me an impish smile, and that alleviated the pressure on my shoulders. Being the good guy that he was, Hayden pulled me into a hug and I melted into him. A few moments of silence passed. I found the reprieve that I needed, and one that our friendship needed as well.

"I'm sorry I was a dickhead and ignored your calls," I said, my face smashed against his chest.

Hayden tightened his arms around me. "Don't worry about it. We all have our moments. Think we could meet up later?"

I pulled back. "Is everything okay? I have a few moments now if you want to talk."

"It's all good. Very positive actually. I just want your opinion about something."

"Sure. Want to grab dinner later? I probably won't get out until seven-ish."

Hayden nodded. "I'll pick you up around eight."

I smiled. "Perfect."

I WRACKED my brain trying to figure out what Hayden wanted to talk to me about. Maybe he’d decided to quit dealing to our teammates. But did his sister even know about that side of him? I only had about an hour to really put any kind of effort into it since I’d been focused on practice, but while I got ready for dinner, I came up with nothing. Absolutely nothing, and it drove me crazy.

Taking the elevator down to the lobby, I stepped outside and spotted Hayden's car.

"Okay. Spill," I said the moment I sat in the passenger's seat, throwing a huge grin at him.

Hayden shifted into gear, and chuckled. "Calm down. I'll tell you soon enough."

I turned toward him. "Really? You're going to make me wait? Fine. But can you at least give me a hint?"

He gave me a fleeting look before turning his attention back to the road. "You look nice."

"You do too," I replied quickly. We were both dressed casually, my favorite style. My hair was damp and my face makeup free.

"Where do you want to eat?"

"Anywhere." Another quick response.

"Something fattening?"

I hesitated for a split second and it produced another chuckle from Hayden. "Sure."

"Wow. You'll agree to anything right now if I give you a hint, won't you?"

"Pretty much." I laughed. "You're killing me! Give me something." A giant, contagious smile spread across his face. "See!" I said, pointing at him. "You want to tell me."

"Fine," Hayden said, pulling onto the main road. "It involves my gymnastics career."

"And…"

"Is pizza okay? I'm starving and don't want to wait long."

I grimaced, my mood changing instantly. My mouth watered at the thought of eating a supreme slice of pizza. One day, I told myself. One day I'd order a whole pie just for me and scarf it down with a two-liter bottle of Coke. But not today.

"Remember what happened last time I had pizza? The horrible stomachache I had? I don't want to chance it. I'll order a salad, if that's okay."

Hayden eyed me. "Of course it's fine."

We pulled into the shopping center and parked. In less than five minutes, we were inside and seated with drinks.

"So, what kind of pizza should I get?" he asked, looking at the menu. My patience was running thin. I wasn't good with surprises, much less waiting for them. Not that this was a surprise, but it sure felt like one. I could never hold back when it came to birthdays or Christmas gifts and always caved beforehand.

Basically, I ruined surprises.

And friendships.

And relationships.

And marriages.

When I didn't answer, Hayden peeked over the menu at me. I leveled a stare at him and he busted out laughing. I tried to hold the flat line of my mouth and the heavy I-want-to-strangle-you-with-my-mind look, but I couldn't and started giggling. Picking up the straw wrapper, I formed it into a ball and threw it at him.

"Alright, alright, alright," he said.

"Get on with it, Matthew McConaughey."

"Since this is my last season with World Cup, I've been thinking a lot about my future and what I want to do. I debated whether I wanted to continue gymnastics in college or not. I kind of want to just experience college and the whole party and fraternity thing, but the thing is, you know as much as I do what this sport means. I don't want to give up gymnastics yet. Letting go would be extremely difficult, but given the hours we practice now, I wasn't sure I'd be able to get the full college experience and train at the same time."

Shit. I'd forgotten Hayden was a year older than me. That meant he and Holly would be leaving soon. A sadness I wasn’t expecting crept over me. When they left, I’d have no one.

"But the more I considered collegiate gymnastics, the more I realized I could have both. Apparently, we only have to train like half of what we're training now."

"Half?" My eyebrows shot up. Half was a walk in the park.

"No more than twenty hours a week."

"Oh my God! That's nothing. I practice twenty hours a week just in my sleep." I joked.

"Right? Once I figured that out, I applied to schools all over the country. Ones that offer degrees in something I'd possibly be interested in, and ones with a decent men's gymnastics program."

I stared wide-eyed. "When did you have time to apply?"

"Over the weekends when the girls team was away at meets. I didn't apply to all of them, some recruited me."

While Hayden worshipped and found misery in the sport in the same manner as I did, going to the Olympics was never his dream.

I smiled. "That's so good. Where did you apply?"

"University of Florida, though they don't have a men's team. I just like the school. Stanford and Berkley both have men's teams, as well as Oklahoma and Arizona. But it was a school I'd never considered that requested for me to apply. University of Michigan. I figured there was no way I was getting in there"—he shrugged—"but I thought, why not? It couldn't hurt. Not my ideal school, it's cold as fuck there, but I have nothing to lose."

"Michigan has a great men's team. Some of the guys even competed in the Olympics, I believe."

"Yeah, I know. I mean, I found out after I looked at the school. I was pretty shocked."

His pizza came out with my salad, and Hayden slid a slice onto my plate just to be nice, then slid one onto his. I took a bite and nearly sighed, but I pushed it aside and dug into my salad. I took two huge bites when a thought popped into my head.

"What is Holly going to do?"

"She applied to the University of Alabama, but she hasn’t heard back. It's the only school she applied to and it’s been her dream to go there since we were kids. I think she just likes the colors." He laughed. "I thought you knew?"

I shook my head and averted my gaze to my plate. I'd been so involved with myself that I hadn't spoken to my friends much lately. I'd become a bit of a loner, and man, did I feel like a shitty person because of it.

"Michigan is offering me a full ride and a spot on the men's team." I stopped mid-chew and gaped at him. "I could also get a degree in engineering there," he added, "which is something I've been thinking about."

I swallowed. "That's incredible, Hayden. Tell me you're going to take it." I shouted a little too loud and looked around to see if anyone had picked up on it.

Hayden wiped his mouth with a napkin, then crumpled it in his hand. He looked at me, the flat line of his mouth creased with indecision. "Honestly, Aid, I don't know what I want to do. I'm leaning toward Florida, but at the same time, I don’t know if I'm ready to say goodbye to gymnastics either."

The tone in his voice surprised me and I took no effort to hide my reaction. To me, the choice was an obvious no-brainer. Being offered an academic scholarship and going after the career one wanted was a rare thing, and it seemed he’d been offered the best of both worlds.

"What's holding you back? Why wouldn't you want to go to Michigan?"

"A few things. For one, I love Florida. I love the beach. This is my home, where I grew up. I'm not sure I'd want to live in constant cold weather. Plus, I'd be closer to Holly if she needed me."

"Your sister would only be a plane ride away. I feel like your choice is an obvious one."

Hayden took another slice of pizza.

"Have you considered your future?" he asked me.

"I've given it a little thought, but my main goal right now is focusing on the Olympics. I feel like everyone is probably sick of hearing it, but the way I feel about it…it's hard to explain. It's all I think about, day in and day out. I want it so bad I can taste it, and if that means deferring school for a little while, then I will. I admire you for knowing what you want, though."

"Any idea where you may want to go?"

"Honestly, no. I haven't really looked into schools, but I should probably start."

"So you've never thought about it at all?"

"I mean, I have." I paused. "Kova was the one who brought it up to me and said I needed to think about universities with Division One gymnastics teams. Aside from that, I haven't given it much thought since I have a one-track mind right now."

"Kova brought it up to you?" he asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

I nodded, taking another bite and thinking back to that day in my condo when Kova had talked to me while I took an ice bath.

"Yeah, he wanted to prepare me for any monetary awards I might be offered, and said if I decided to go pro, I would be waiving my chances of competing in college. I'd never given it any thought until he said something. I remember thinking how naïve I'd been for not knowing what could have happened if I'd have accepted money without knowing the consequences. I'm glad he did because I didn't know about any of that. Being awarded cash would be cool, but I don't really need it, you know?"

"Wow. Kova thinking about someone other than himself for a change." I glared at Hayden and he threw his hands up. "I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist. I'm just surprised is all."

Needing to get the focus off me, I asked, "When do you have to make a decision?"

"The end of the week."

My brows shot up again. At this rate, I was going to have wrinkles by the time we were done with dinner.

"What did your parents say?"

"What do you think they said? Of course they want me to take the scholarship, but they said they’d support whatever decision I made."

A relaxed smile spread across my face. "You're lucky to have such a supportive family."

"I am."

"If you want my input, I'll give it to you, but I'm sure you already know what I'm going to say. You should take the scholarship. The answer’s obvious. I know how you feel about gymnastics, so what if you give Michigan one year? If you aren't happy when that first year is over, transfer to Florida and retire from gymnastics. That way you can say you gave it a shot and you won't have any regrets."

Hayden stared at me quietly for a moment. "I hadn't thought of that. See, this is why I wanted to talk to you. Problem solved.”

I chuckled. "Really? That fast?"

"Yeah, I was so torn. I’m not ready to put gymnastics behind me, but I didn't want to continue training like I do now and try to go to school, but then I wasn't crazy about leaving Florida either. I've been all over the place. I want both, but I feel like this is a good choice. And who knows, maybe I'll end up loving Michigan and want to stay."

"I thought you hated cold weather."

"Hey, anything is possible." He laughed.

"I'm glad I could help. But this means I only have so much time left with you, doesn’t it?"

"Yeah, unfortunately it does. I have until early summer, I think, before I have to go."

Hayden pulled out his cell phone and sent off a series of texts. I didn't bother asking to who but I figured it was to Holly and his parents. Summer wasn't too far off and my schedule was already mapped out for the most part. One way or another, I'd make plans to spend time with him.

"Thanks, Aid."

"For what?" I said, his comment pulling me away from my thoughts.

"For helping me decide. For being a good friend. For being you."

My smile faltered. Our eyes met. "I haven't always been a good friend."

"Neither have I. We're human, Adrianna. We all make mistakes." We chuckled together and Hayden asked for the check.

"A pass. I've gotten a lifetime of passes from you."

Hayden finished off his pizza and paid the check. Once I was home and about to fall asleep, I laid in bed feeling a little lighter and a bit relieved. Hayden had appeared while I'd been trying to avoid him, but he was exactly what I needed and I hadn't realized it until now. He was a friend who never asked for anything in return. Tonight he was just a friend who wanted to talk about his future. I was helping him, but he had no idea that he was helping me out too.

There are over six hundred muscles in the human body. I would bet my future in gymnastics that I’d used every one of them this past week.

Every. Single. Muscle. Seven days a week, sixteen hours a day.

I was borderline crippled. My limbs were numb and I ached in parts of my body I didn't even know were possible to hurt. My lower back was on fire and my Achilles was killing me. I could barely put my hair into a ponytail and just breathing was a strenuous task. I wondered how long it would take to get over the soreness and worried it would be longer than usual. But the worst part? The worst part was the emotional state I was left in.

I didn't even know where to begin, but I wanted to cry for what I had just endured.

I’d gone to Texas with a solid mind and body. I'd looked forward to the training camp, eager, full of zest and persevering enthusiasm to learn from the absolute best in the sport.

I came back utterly broken and fearing the next camp. I almost didn't want to go. My body was in shambles, and my mind felt like an egg had been cracked open and over beat.

A full week of some of the most dangerous training I'd ever experienced for the ultimate goal of Olympic glory. It truly was survival of the fittest, and three days into it I’d started questioning whether it was worth it.

Konstantin Kournakova had nothing on those coaches. Nothing. His training was child's play compared to what I went through. Fucking child's play.

And I couldn't even have Motrin.

Cue the violins.

I was beyond thankful Kova had offered to drive me to and from the airport, because there wasn't a chance in hell I could have driven myself home. Yeah, I wasn't so keen when he’d first brought it up. I thought he was full of shit when he said the camps are quite arduous and I wouldn't be in tip-top shape afterward. At the time I couldn’t imagine the training being any more rigorous than what I'd already done. Boy, was I wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong. I could hardly stand in an upright position without wanting to cry. The moment the plane touched down in Florida, it was like my body said “you're free” and released a traumatized breath. I didn't need to hide how I felt anymore. I didn't need to wear a mask. I didn't care who saw how I really felt. Everything gushed from me like I'd been holding my breath the entire week I’d been gone. Instantly, I felt like I had aged fifty years. I was so exhausted.

Scouring the crowd, I wearily searched for a familiar pair of green eyes over the sea of heads. I needed a week's worth of sleep and an IV pumping me full of caffeine, painkillers, and vitamin B to bring me back to life, and I needed it all right this second. Not to recover, but because I had less than two days until I was back in the gym.

No rest for the wicked.

And as grateful as I was for Kova picking me up, I was reluctant for him to see how fragile I was. I didn't want him to see me weak and that I was ready to collapse at any given second. I didn't want him to see that someone else had the power to make me suffer more than he could. I didn’t want him to see me broken and limping, and on the verge of losing my mind.

The truth was, I didn’t want him to doubt me. That's what scared me more than anything.

My eyelids were heavy as I dropped my bag to the floor, fingering the strap and scanning the airport. I blinked long. I could fall asleep standing at this point, until I saw him.

The moment our eyes connected, my lips parted on a sigh and he rushed forward like a force was pulling him to me. Relief washed over me and I opened up, falling into him.

"Malysh," he said softly in Russian. "I had a feeling you would be like this."

Kova threw my duffle bag over his shoulder, then scooped me up and gently held me. I expelled a sigh, faltering in my gratitude. Despite everything and my need to keep our distance, I collapsed in his arms like thousand-pound weights were strapped to my body. I just couldn’t move another step and I think he knew that. I nestled my forehead into his neck and closed my eyes. I should've cared that we were in the middle of an airport where anyone could see us, or that a photo could be taken and used out of context again, but I didn't. I needed him. I needed his strength. I needed to draw from it and build myself up. I needed Kova to make me strong.

It was like what he’d said that night after Parkettes—he was my strength. I needed Kova to exhale his strength because only he could give me what I needed right now.

Pretending to be strong took a toll on me, both mentally and physically. Maybe I wasn't the gymnast I thought I was. Or maybe I was, I didn’t know. My mind was a hazy mess. All I knew was that I wasn't used to the physical abuse I’d been dealt for breakfast, lunch, and dinner this past week and I feared it would be more of the same with Olympic training. I guess it was the price we paid for success.

"Thank you," I said quietly, my eyes rolling shut. I was so damn tired. Kova carried me to his car in under a handful of minutes and carefully deposited me onto his bucket seat like I was an expensive piece of porcelain he was afraid would shatter into a million little pieces.

He reached over and buckled my seatbelt, his delicious cologne dusting the air, bringing a sense of comfort all around me. I breathed his scent deep into my lungs as he placed my bag at my feet.

"I don't know if I can do this again," I confessed quietly once we were on the highway. I had another camp three weeks from now.

He looked over at me, but I kept my eyes on the busy road. I was in a daze. I didn't want to see the disappointment that most likely tinted his features.

"Do not say that. You do not mean it."

I shook my head. "How do you get past this bone-aching, mentally-draining feeling and keep going? Right now I feel like I'm never going to recover. I want to roll over into a pile of crushed Motrin, then swim in a pool of alcohol and drown myself in it until I'm numb from the pain."

Kova chuckled lightly, and I felt it warm my belly. I laughed, holding my stomach, not knowing where my comment came from, but it was the truth.

"Anything I ate at the camp was monitored and limited. You know I'm already cautious of what I eat, and now I’ll be even more aware from here on out after being verbally abused at the camp by the coaches."

Kova frowned and shot me a worried look. "What do you mean?"

"If we weren't being called fat slobs with pig faces and cellulite thighs, our waists were pinched so hard they left nail imprints. We were looked at with disgust and impatience, berated over our weight, and had fear shoved down our throats until we choked with tears. And yet, none of us requested to leave. I wasn't sure we could even if we wanted to. All we were given each day was a slice of gluten-free, dry bread that tasted like shit and a small apple for breakfast, a handful of nuts for lunch, and dinner was some nasty ass frozen meat and vegetable washed down with laxatives for dessert."

"Laxatives?" he questioned. "You took laxatives?"

My eyes closed shut as I recalled the horror of being forced to take them and the cramps that followed shortly after.

"Not by choice. The coaches told us that succeeding at an elite level required intense sacrifices. Judges wanted to see lines, not curves. Once all the national team members arrived at camp, we were weighed and measured before training began. Everything, and I mean everything, was noted. I can guarantee that we'll be weighed and measured again when we go back. Who knew that meant being deprived of food and forced to suck lemons? Sleep was almost nonexistent due to the amount of times we were in the bathroom because of the laxatives. Cramps worse than the period kind, and at one point, I only had water coming out of me. My stomach was on fire, like there were flames growing bigger by the second. Considering how little food we were given, I was baffled the coaches would think there's anything left to expel from our fragile bodies." I shuddered at the thought of the repercussions they'd face if that were the case. "God, I bet this is the last thing you probably wanted to hear. All I'm doing is complaining and telling you gross things. I'm so sorry," I said, and inwardly groaned at all the TMI I’d just shared.

"You know they are testing you, right? To see if you have the strength to handle the pressure and sacrifice it takes to train for the Olympics."

My eyes widened. "So you agree with everything they did and you're okay with it? It's borderline abuse."

"I did not say that, but I was already aware of most of it," Kova said, turning onto a street. He accelerated. "It is nothing new, Adrianna, and it comes with the territory. There is not one sport where athletes are treated any differently. It is just not spoken about."

My jaw dropped. "What didn't you know?"

"The laxative part."

I blushed a little bit. "Considering we're pretty well-acquainted with each other's bodies, I didn't see the need to hold back, especially on anything that happens inside the walls of the U.S. Olympic Training Site." I stopped when it dawned on me he had the chance to warn me ahead of time but hadn't. Anger shot through my veins and I turned toward him, leveling a stare. "If you knew what kind of conditions to expect, why didn't you warn me in advance?"

Kova glanced at me. "What would that have accomplished? Would you have changed your mind and given up the opportunity so few are granted?"

My eyes widened. "No, never, but at least I would've known what to expect. The lightheadedness was so bad one day that I started seeing spots in my vision. I was afraid to perform a tumbling pass because I was terrified I wouldn't land properly or black out midair. My gut said don't do it but I had no choice in the matter. Hunger made my heart pound violently in my chest like I was going to have a heart attack. Another day I straddled the beam and was nearly condemned for it. My fingers are raw, and my thighs are still shaking with soreness, and you didn't think to warn me, even a little bit?"

Kova was quiet for a moment. I don't think I’d even breathed while I’d berated him.

In a tedious tone that almost made me regret what I had said, he asked, "Would you have changed your mind if you knew how demanding it would be? Knowing this was your end result, would you have changed your mind? Answer me, Adrianna."

I slammed my mouth shut and bit down on my lips.

"I did not think so," he said.

"How did you do it?" I asked miserably, sitting back. I didn't want to fight with him. "How did you push through?"

I hated myself for the way I felt. Like someone was able to finally break me down while I had no power to stop it.

"Mind over matter," Kova said.

"That's all you have for me? You participated in two Olympic Games, almost three, and went through the same treatment as me. If not worse because Russians are freaking lunatics. How did you keep on going?" Lowering my voice, I said a tad dejected, "This is the first time I feel like I can't convince my mind that my body can endure anything like this again."

Kova gently placed his hand on my thigh and gave me a sympathetic little squeeze. The urge to reach out and hold his hand was strong, but I didn't.

"You will find a way because there is no other option for you."

I looked over at him. His shoulders sagged just a bit and the corner of his mouth formed a frown. I noticed his hair was longer than usual, which I liked a lot. It was hair I could weave my fingers through. I wondered if he was growing it out.

"Tonight and tomorrow will be the hardest for you. You just endured ninety-nine percent more than most people have at your age. You are human. I am not judging you, I would never judge you for that. It is the vicious reality of the game and I get it. How much your body can take versus how much your mind can handle. Two days from now you will not feel that way. Two days you will wake up sore and bruised, and you will ask yourself how the hell you did it, but you will have the determination to go on because you will realize that you survived." He paused, then said, "There is not a shadow of a doubt, because it is what I went through and what I thought. We are cut from the same cloth, Adrianna."

I mused over his words and thought back to something he’d said when I’d first arrived at World Cup.

"Your body can endure just about anything, it is your mind you have to convince," I whispered.

"What?" he asked, pulling into my condo complex and parking his car.

I repeated what I said and he turned toward me. "It's something you said to me shortly after I got here for the first time. We were in your office going over my schedule after you had me evaluated." I laughed sadly. "You were not happy at all with my performance that day."

He scrubbed a hand down his face and laughed, then looked out the front windshield. "No, I was not."

"You were being such a dickhead that night, I couldn't believe it. But I'll never forget the words you said to me about digging deep, how to not expect anything in return, and to push even harder when no one is watching. Your speech awakened something in me and it's stuck with me ever since. I look back on it when I'm feeling lost and confused and use it as motivation."

"I remember going home that night and regretting the deal I made with your father," he says softly. "I reread all the paperwork I had signed for hours and hours, trying to find my way out of it. Frank is a brilliant businessman who covers every corner. No stone was left unturned. I was at my wits' end when Katja walked into my office and said to me that I always follow through on my deals and to not give up or else I would not be me. I was so aggravated with her when she said that, but she was right. Anything I say I am going to do, I do. So, I changed my view and looked at you like you were a challenge I needed to conquer." He grew quiet. "I just never, in my wildest dreams, expected it to go the way it has. You shocked me in ways I never saw coming. I do not know whether to embrace it or reject it."

We both sat quietly in the confinement of his car. Kova had shared a very personal side to him and I felt it in my core. It was so rare for him to let me in, but those moments I wasn't often privy to were ones I held close to me because I knew they were real. He looked straight ahead. He sat quietly, like we'd done this so many times. He was open and welcoming and his honesty was far from menacing.

"We both challenged each other without realizing it. I pushed you as a coach." He turned his head in my direction, and with a tight mouth, he nodded in agreement. "Thanks for not giving up on me."

We tested each other’s limits, went at one another at a hundred miles an hour without stopping, and the only conclusion would be a beautiful destruction of sinful harmony. We were both aware of it, too, and I couldn’t figure out what that said about us.

"I could not give up on you, even if I wanted to."

"Why? Because of my dad?"

He shook his head, his pupils dilated. "No, I could have easily handed you off to Madeline." His body mimicked mine. He leaned against his door, propping his elbow on the arm rest. "You countered me, you sparred with me. I pushed, you pulled harder. You made me regret my existence ninety percent of the time. You were the challenge I always wanted that no one could give me. I craved you before I even knew you, Ria. Why would I ever let go of that? Every day is a new day with you and something I look forward to. You are what keeps me going and the reason why I wake up each day." The whisper of his last words seemed to mystify him, but he just looked into my eyes to let me know he was being honest.

Breathing a little heavier, my voice a little throaty, I said, "A sane person would walk away."

He gave me an all-too-knowing look. I almost laughed. "We both know I am not sane."

Wasn't that the truth. "You're psychotic."

"True, but I got the greatest bonus of all."

"Which is?"

"You."

I shook my head and tried not to laugh. My abs were so sore. "I don't think bonus is the right word. Maybe you mean reward."

Kova smiled softly and I didn't like the way my stomach fluttered in response. Even if I wanted him to have me, if I gave myself to him again, I’d still never have him in the way that mattered most. I’d already learned that the hard way.

"You misunderstand. Because of where you are now, the national team, that is the reward. It is what we both wanted. The challenge was getting you there when the journey seemed so dark and daunting. Almost unattainable."

"It went horribly right."

He nodded. "It did. Were the sacrifices worth it?"

I didn't hesitate and looked into his green eyes that I loved. "You know they were." He smiled because he knew it was the truth. "Even if I only made it this far, it was all worth it. Every insult, every tear, every bruise would remain with me forever like a scar on my heart. They were and continue to be the stepping stones of my future."

Reaching his arm out, the back of Kova's fingers grazed my jaw, but it was his gaze that bore into me that got me. I leaned into his touch automatically, my heart yearning so badly for my coach. When we had these moments, I just wanted to forget all the negative and focus on the positive. His fingers spread out and cupped the side of my face, delving into my hair. His thumb lovingly caressed my cheek.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It was never supposed to be like this. And yet, by some unfathomable phenomenon, it was, and I was allowing it despite everything. This wasn't the first time I’d drawn from his strength and words, and I knew in my gut that it wouldn't be the last.

The truth was, I needed Kova.

And something told me he needed me just as much.

Unbuckling my seatbelt, I reached down and grabbed the strap of my duffle bag, but Kova stopped me. I glanced over my shoulder at him.

"You know you can lean on me. I am always here for you."

I swallowed. "I know."

"Tonight will be rough. Probably the worst yet to come," Kova said, his voice low. "Let me help you."

I wanted so badly to say yes—my heart was screaming out for him—but I shook my head. Kova was a giver to those he cared deeply about, but I had to learn to not take what he offered.

"Please, Ria." His eyes begged, pleaded.

I diverted my gaze, unable to handle seeing the need inside him. I needed to do this without him, and I needed to show him that he couldn't control everything around him. He wasn't mine anymore. He never had been, and I had to remind myself of that too.

I knew it was killing him by not being able to help me. He was respecting my boundaries, my wants and needs, and I felt the wall I’d erected around my heart chipping away piece by piece. But I didn't want it to chip away. I wanted to keep it strong and tall and whole, but when he was finally seeing me and recognizing what I needed from him, it was hard to keep it upright.

"I need to do this myself. Let me do it." It was something so simple, but I had to do it on my own. "Mind over matter, right?"

I saw him nod from the corner of my eye, and he slowly retreated. Opening the car door, I placed one foot outside and even that was difficult. Exhaling, I reached for the roof of the car and the ledge of the door. My fingers curled as I attempted to rise from the seat. I held my breath, then stepped out of the car and threw my bag over my shoulder. I winced. My entire body was as stiff as steel and tight as a noose. This was going to be loads of fun.

I pulled deep from within and said, "I'll see you at practice." I slammed the door and took a step, then heard the window roll down.

"Adrianna." I turned around. "Take a day or two off. You do not know what you are in for."

I shook my head. Aching and slow, I walked toward the entrance, taking baby steps. I felt like I’d been beat to a pulp and just released from the hospital.

When I reached the sliding doors I looked over my shoulder. Kova had reversed and was waiting for me to safely step inside before he left. His tinted window was rolled halfway up and his gaze was fixated on me. Sadness clouded his features and it left me secretly craving for him to be his brutish self and come upstairs anyway

I often wondered what crossed his mind when our eyes met. What he was thinking. Today, I didn't question it. Today, I saw my reflection blink back at me…and it was startling. We were both hurting, both not able to console the other the way our hearts desired.

The only thing that stood between me and Kova was reality and society.

Oh, and a marriage.

Once I was inside my condo, I showered, cleaned, and dressed, then dug through my drawers and found some compression clothing I’d never used before. The theory behind the clothing seemed a little far-fetched to me, but I gave it a shot and hoped the increased blood flow would help speed up the recovering process to my calf. I didn't have anything to lose at this point as I pulled the sleeve up and around my lower leg.

The one good thing I could say about World Cup was that Kova and Madeline were cautious when it came to injuries. While I’d been scolded countless times to push through the pain by both, I had never been forced to train on a severe injury and pretend like it wasn't real. I wasn't starved or ridiculed over my body. Every one of us trained with injuries—it came with the territory—but at camp I saw something entirely different, and it made me realize just how good I had it at World Cup and I hadn’t even known it. At camp, tears were a common occurrence, and some gymnasts walked with a limp, sports tape, or braces at every joint, all while being reprimanded for their insolent limitation of their bodies. It was the definition of mindfuckery. Between the perilous coaching and lack of nourishment, I wouldn't be surprised if one of us ended up paralyzed or injured so severely we'd be forced to retire due to the way things were carried out there.

The coaches had so much power over us and all for the little slice of hope they provided when we were most vulnerable. I’d taken everything they dished out with open hands and a begging mouth. I'd take it ten times worse if that meant promising me my dreams. Kova was right. Even if I had known what to expect, or how crippled I'd be when I came home, I still would have gone.

Crawling into bed, I got under the covers and scrolled through my phone, reading the messages I’d missed while I was at camp. Some were from Hayden checking up on me, and my dad had called. My heart stopped when I got to a series of messages from Avery. I ached with the desire to call my best friend. I wanted to talk to her, to hear her voice, laugh at her jokes. I missed her big time, but I was still reeling from everything that had transpired between us. I couldn't say I was mad anymore. I wasn't mad. I was disappointed and sad more than anything that she’d felt the need to hide her relationship with my brother from me. I got it, I did, but I couldn't wrap my head around the secrecy or even fathom what they'd go through if they were to announce they were dating. I didn't believe either family would be against it—our fathers were business partners—so what were the repercussions they felt they would face?

If I’d had sex with her brother then aborted his baby, I would've been terrified to tell her too. But I'd have told her, just like I’d told her everything about Kova. That was the difference. She was my best friend and she’d lied to my face for many long months. She hid a massive secret and that was more devastating than anything. I’d thought we were close and could tell each other everything. It crushed my heart and made me feel like she didn't care enough about me to tell me. Did she really think I'd tell her to stop dating him? Well, probably, but I knew his playboy ways better than anyone and would only want to protect her.

I clicked out of her messages and listened to a voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize. My heart sank when I heard the nurse from the doctor's office. They'd called over a week ago when I’d been with Hayden, and I’d forgotten to call them back. Then they called twice while I was in Texas. My results were in and I needed to schedule an appointment to go over them. I shot a quick glance at the clock to check the time. It was too late to call, and tomorrow was the start of the weekend. I made a plan to call on Monday during lunch to schedule an appointment.

Placing my phone face down on the night stand, I turned on my side and curled up with the blankets, praying that I wouldn't be in so much pain tomorrow.

Turns out, Kova had been right.

The night he dropped me off and the day after had been horrific. Brutal. I felt like I’d been hit by a freight train, and then ran over by a cement truck. A little dramatic, maybe, but it was the only way to describe the agony I was dealing with.

Call me crazy, but I typically loved the after-day suffering, just not to this extreme. Soreness was proof of an intense workout. It meant I’d pushed back just as hard as I was pulled, but this was something else entirely that I hadn’t even known existed. This was pure torture and I honestly couldn't imagine going through it again. But then I told myself that others had walked on the same stepping stones and came out alive. If they could do it, then so could I. It would be worth it one day.

Then there was the deafening silence I’d tried to avoid whenever I had free time. I swear I could hear the blood flowing through my veins, it was that quiet.

I should've taken Kova up on his offer to rest a few more days. The two days I’d had off weren't enough. Not even close. I ached, I was worn out, and I all but crawled on my hands and knees out of my condo to my car to drive to practice.

The exhaustion, the weariness, the discomfort…it was nothing compared to the blow I got when I arrived at World Cup. I wasn't there for more than a minute when Kova pulled me into his office and shut the door. He started asking numerous questions back-to-back, but I only focused on one thing.

"What are you talking about, Coach? What do you mean you want me to go home?" My heart beat frantically. Of course I wanted to go home, I was tired as hell, but I knew that wasn't an option.

Kova's eyes narrowed and I could see the vulnerability in them. "I did not tell you when I picked you up because I did not want to worry you, but I received a call from your father. Your physician called him and I was told they have been trying to reach you, something about blood results were in and you needed to schedule an appointment."

Hands propped on hips, I was aggravated. "You have to be kidding me. Why would he tell you?"

"Why did you get blood work?" he countered.

I shrugged, keeping it cool. "Just a regular checkup is all."

"Your father added me as a guardian in case anything happens to you and he couldn't make it here in time."

Made sense, but I didn't like it. With my gaze still hard on his, I asked, "What else did he tell you?"

Kova shifted on his feet. He studied me, his gaze raking up and down my body. "What are you hiding?" he asked, deep and curious.

I reared back, cheeks hot. "Nothing. Not that it's any of your business anyway."

"It is very well my business and you know that."

My eyes flared.

My temper took off.

And there went my control.

"Like hell it is! You don't need to invade every damn aspect of my personal life, Kova. If I want you to know something, I'll tell you."

Kova strode toward me until we were an inch or two apart. He angled his head down, his eyes roaming over my face, taking in every feature. Using his index finger, he tipped my chin up. Green eyes fastened on my mouth and my gaze dropped to his full lips I loved so much. He dragged his teeth over his bottom lip, and I swallowed hard, feeling a stroke of heat pool in my stomach.

I hadn't felt that kind of stirring in a while.

He dragged the tips of his fingers along my jaw to the back of my head and palmed my neck. I stood immobile, at his mercy, while his thumb delicately rubbed the pulse in my neck. I leaned into his touch and got lost in his green eyes. Kova always knew how to calm me down. This wasn't the first time he'd touched me since I’d found out he was married. I struggled with what to do and went with fisting my hands. The caress of his fingers felt divine, so I dug my nails into my palms until I made little crescent moon imprints in my skin. It was the only way I could maintain my self-control, otherwise I'd have my hands on him.

"There you go," he whispered. His thumb slowed. "You were about to pop a blood vessel."

"You make me that way. I swear you bring out the worst in me."

The corner of his mouth tugged up. "You are so beautiful when you are fired up."

"See? Contractions would be useful there."

"You're beautiful when you're fired up," he said, the words so foreign to him I grinned.

My head fell forward onto his chest. I tried not to laugh, but when I replayed the words in my head I chuckled quietly. Kova's hand slid up my neck, his fingers threading through the hair at my nape as he took a small step toward me.

"Say it again," I asked, eyeing his other arm hanging at his side. Kova had this one prevalent vein I loved that wound around his forearm like a tattoo. It was so hot, and my fingers ached to touch it.

"You're beautiful when you're fired up."

I chuckled again. This time when he said it, there was a funny incline in his tone when he said you’re. Like he was trying different variations of the word to see which fit the best. Without thinking, my hands came up to rest on his hips. I grabbed him, holding on as I laughed, and felt the ridges of his strong muscles.

"You sound like a robot."

"You called me Kova," he whispered, his lips pressed to the top of my head. His fingers stroked my scalp, soothing away the tension.

Fucking hell. I hadn’t even realized I’d slipped.

"I don't think clearly when I'm around you," I admitted, feeling defeated. I looked up and our eyes met. "You make me so mad sometimes, but then other times I just want to let it all go and forget and just be us again." My words were a murmur, but I wanted him to know how he affected me.

"I know the feeling all too well," Kova replied, barely above a whisper. "You look sad."

"I am," I replied honestly. We were close enough that I could breathe in his words and allow them to wrap around the organ thumping in my rib cage if I wasn't careful enough.

"I do not like seeing you like that." I stayed silent. "I know you probably do not believe me, but it hurts me to see you this way. You have looked sad for weeks."

I had to wonder if he knew he was the root of my sadness.

"Does that feel good?" he asked, still massaging my head. I nodded, wishing he was massaging my entire body.

"Hmmm… I think I need to call a chiropractor and schedule a full body massage. Will your friend be back anytime soon?"

"Who?"

"The doctor… Ethan. He can do a full body, sports kind of massage. I could use it. He suggested it, remember?"

Kova peered down at me, face blank, but his eyes bore into mine with such intensity it left me breathless. Much to my astonishment, I stepped closer until there was no space left between us and wrapped my arms around his back. I let out a long breath and sagged against him.

"If you need a deep tissue massage"—he gave me a casual shrug—"I can do it for you."

He didn't hint at something more, and he wasn't his usual bossy, over-controlling self, but I was taken aback by my quick response.

"Okay," I replied so easily. "I should probably do another round of blading before I go back to Texas too."

He nodded, and I dropped my chin to his chest. His fingers mellowed me out, my eyes heavy with fatigue. Exhaling, I let out a long sleepy breath.

"I need you to do me a favor," he said, like he was begging for me not to argue with him. I looked up to see Kova's face shift into a handful of different emotions that made me want to ask what he was thinking about.

"I need you to stay home until you see your doctor. I am not asking for a doctor's note for you to come back. I am going to trust that you went. I just need to make sure you are okay and healthy. It is my main priority."

I wanted to fight him on this, because I needed to be in the gym, training as hard as I could, but I was so tired that all I did was nod my head in agreement.

"Spasibo," he said in Russian.

Leaning down, Kova pressed a kiss to my forehead. My eyes rolled shut and I took a deep breath. I was too weary to pull away.

"I planned to call on my lunch break, you know. I was going to go."

"Okay, well, now you can call from home. In your bed." I groaned. "What is wrong?"

"It's so quiet at home. I feel so alone there."

Kova pulled back and it forced me to look at him. "You do not like it?"

"Usually I don't mind, but lately it makes me a little depressed."

I hated to admit that I was depressed because I felt like it made me weak. My gaze dropped to his shoulder. I didn't like feeling this way, but I also didn't know how to pull out of it. The more I thought about it, the sadder I became, and the emptier my chest felt.

Cupping my face, Kova brought my attention back to him. "Come to my home. Katja is out of town and I can do the massage there. You will not feel alone. I will be there shortly. I will let Madeline know I am leaving early. I have the masseuse table and everything we need."

My heart clenched.

"You are certifiable." He grinned, and dammit to hell, it was sexy. "What if Katja comes home early?"

"Trust me, she will not show up early. I know how she operates." Kova's gaze lowered to my lips. I could tell he had more to say so I waited. "I think we could both use the company anyway."

"I don't have the energy to entertain this. I think it's best if I just go home."

"Exactly. You do not have the energy. Please…" he said, stepping closer and taking hold of my hands. Kova's eyes softened, yet flickered with anguish. My lips parted.

"Stay the night. Let me take care of you," he said.

I couldn't help it and immediately fell back on my familiar defenses. "I bet you used the table with your wife."

Kova's shoulders tightened. "Adrianna, enough. The table is still in the box, unopened. You can watch me put it together. I promise, you are the only one who will use it. In fact, I will give you the damn table if you want. Please, just stop being difficult and let me help you. You need me, and deep down, I think you want me to help you but you are too stubborn to ask," he said. His tone was too genuine for me to question his motives and I instantly felt bad for jumping down his throat.

My heart was already broken, my body in constant pain. I forced myself to stay emotionally distant from him to protect myself, or at least I tried to. I didn't want to give in. I was stronger than that, but he was right. I did want him to take care of me. I needed him, and no matter what I did or what I told myself, I didn't have the power in me to hate him, even though I tried. And the scariest part? It wasn't just a carnal need. I needed Kova in his entirety. I just wanted to be around him. I missed his arms, his body, the way he never used contractions, how he just let himself be when it was us. I just missed him. Like there was a Kova-sized hole in my life only he could fill. But I knew if I agreed to this that my heart would be irrevocably shattered even more.

Still, I was trying to fight it.

Kova spoke over my indecision. "If it makes you feel more comfortable, I will close the gym early and we can meet back here." My brows shot up. Kova never closed World Cup early for anything. "I will go home and get my table. I am trying to make it so you are not alone, but comfortable. Whatever you need, I will do. Sometimes when you are alone and feeling depressed, being inside your head is the worst thing. I do not want you to go down that road any more than you already have, it is not healthy." Kova paused and let out a long breath. "I just want to help you, but what is it that you want?"

Looking at him, I went with the truth, even if it hurt both of us. Tears sprung to my eyes.

"I just want to remember what it's like to not feel broken."

Kova's eyes flashed. He shook his head like he hated to hear me utter those words. I felt his breathing deepen, his chest expanding against mine. I felt the heat of his body warm me and I hadn't felt it in so long. His hands roamed over my back until his arms wrapped around me. He held me tight, his hands gently pouring his emotion into me.

"I hate that I am the one who broke you more than you will ever know." He dropped his head until his lips were just above mine. I gasped and drew his words into me as they rolled off his heart and onto mine. "You need me, and it is killing me because I want to fix what I did, but I am trying to respect your boundaries too. I have never struggled so much in my life to remain on the sidelines to give you your space. Every day I wake up hoping today will be the day. The day you will allow me to do what I need to get us there. Back to where we once were. I am so sorry. So, so sorry, Adrianna. I see you. I see everything about you, what you are feeling, what you are thinking, and I die a little more inside every day not being able to give us what we both need."

"And what is it we both need, Kova?" I whispered against his lips, yearning to press mine to his. He swallowed thickly, then grazed mine ever so softly.

"Each other, Adrianna. We need each other."

Each day Kova slowly cooled the fiery embers that fell from my heart. He was extinguishing my rage toward him and reigniting my passion for life. I felt his composure dissolve.

"Do you really just happen to have everything at your house?" I asked, my chest tight. He'd done so much for me yet he’d hurt me just the same.

He nodded, breathing hard. I clenched his shirt, my hands forming fists at his silent response.

"Yes. I got it shortly after I got my certification training for you. I just have not had time to bring it here. I got it for you. Everything, so many things I do, I do for you. You just do not see it yet," he said, pleading with his eyes for me to understand him.

Dear God. Too many emotions, too many truths. Swallowing hard, I blinked hard, pushing back the tears climbing at his selflessness and moved with what felt right in my heart.

I kissed him.

Kova froze. With my lips pressed to his and his body taut with surprise, I melted a little more when he didn't move. His body trembled against mine, his strength suspended between us. I leaned into him and he growled, finally kissing me back.

His arms were tight around my back as he devoured my mouth, pushing into me, forcing me to step back. The back of my knees hit his desk, and Kova hoisted me up to sit on it, stepping between my spread legs. His palms cupped my jaw as my hands slipped under his shirt, needing to feel his skin. A little moan escaped me, and he kissed me harder, bruising my mouth. I loved when he ravaged me like this, like a consuming need had taken over his body. My palms moved over the hard planes of his chest, grazing over his nipples, then to the sexy muscles that dipped around his hips. My hands slid around to his back and I grabbed him hard, needing to feel more. I couldn’t stop touching him. I wanted to touch him everywhere. Kova reached behind his back and grabbed my wrists, shaking his head as he brought my hands to the front of his chest and over his shirt.

"I am trying to control myself here," he stressed, but kissed me again. His tongue swirled around mine, tugging on it obsessively. His hand cupped the back of my neck, holding me captive, not that I minded. A shiver ran down my spine and I moaned into his mouth. I loved when he did that, like he was possessed with power and could make me surrender to him.

"I love when you lose control," I confessed, breathless and in between kisses.

"I know you do."

Kova growled, and the sound caused a score of heat to trail down my spine. He tugged my bottom lip into his mouth, his teeth scraping over the sensitive skin enough to cause a shrill of pleasure to stream through me. Wetness seeped onto my leotard. My eyes rolled shut and a long groan escaped me when he let go.

"And I love when your eyes get that glassy look in them. Your body becomes pliant and soft and willing. It means you will allow me to do anything I want."

A purr vibrated in my throat. Opening my eyes, I looked up at him, letting him know he was right. My nipples were hard, my body flushed with desire, and my skin tingled. All from this man's kiss.

I wanted more.

Leaning forward with his hand still gripping my neck, Kova stared me down, his eyes blazing with need. He stood still as I ever so slowly traced his lips with my tongue before slipping it into his mouth. I kissed him slow, how I knew he liked. His fingers tightened around my neck, pressing into my skin the more I lapped at his mouth. His body trembled against mine. Feeding both our cravings, I undulated against him, triggering him to act.

In a blur of speed, Kova pushed me down on his desk and leaned over me. I grabbed ahold of his biceps, a gush of air expelling from my lungs. My legs automatically circled his waist, locking around his back.

"It has been months since I have fucked you, malysh." His voice was a cracked whisper against my lips.

I released a soft moan as Kova pressed a kiss to my mouth, then moved down my neck. His hands were in my hair, guiding me to turn my head to the side. His tongue trailed along my collarbone and the slope of my neck, his teeth scraping my skin at the same time. Fingers trembling in my hair, he nipped at my heated flesh, then tugged on my ear as he started rocking his hips forward. My back arched and I moaned at the pressure of his erection pushing against my sex. I could feel the outline of his cock through his shorts and I could clearly tell that he didn’t have boxers on underneath. The thought made me wetter and I prayed he couldn't feel it through my leotard and little shorts.

"Fucked me, yes," I responded, rolling my hips against his, "but it hasn’t months since we had sex."

At that, Kova's teeth locked down on my jaw. He applied pressure, not enough to hurt me, but enough to make my pussy throb and beg for more. I let out a breathy sigh. Pulling back, he looked down at me, our noses touching. His cologne invaded my senses and I breathed it deep into my lungs, still loving the smell of him. Kova continued to stare at me, passive but sympathetic. We didn’t need words in that moment. He knew I was talking about the night he kept apologizing in Russian while he made love to me. I didn't allow myself to think about that night often—it hurt too much—but he needed to see that I knew there was a difference in the way he was with me.

Kova swallowed, his eyes fixated on mine, looking back and forth. The back of his knuckles moved to my cheek and he gently grazed my skin. He nodded. It was the slightest of nods, and if I had blinked, I would've missed it.

Then, to my complete and utter surprise, he said something in a tone packed with sorrow and guilt that crushed the air in my lungs. I'd never forget it for as long as I lived.

"It was not just sex that night for me, Ria."

"I know," was all I could say.

He kissed me again, devouring my mouth and proving just how much he truly cared by the way he consumed me. And he knew I would know the different shades of sex with him. Kova's fucking was fantastic. He was animalistic and savage, usually angry about something. His sex was needy and controlling and demanding. But his lovemaking? It was intense and passionate and his way of conveying how he felt. It was like I got a glimpse inside his soul as it latched onto mine and became whole for a little while. It made me forget everything and put us on another dimension without the restraints of the world.

"What are you thinking about?"

I shook my head, not trusting my words not to spill the truth. It seemed every version of sex with Kova came with mind-blowing orgasms and a heavy dose of heartbreak. I wasn't sure why I thought kissing him was a good idea, or that I could handle it. Even just a kiss from this devastating man fucked with my head.

Pulling us up into a seated position, Kova reached into his pocket and took out his keys. My gaze followed his movement and I caught sight of the bulge at the center of his hips. I stared, tracing the outline of his cock with my eyes, imagining the vein I loved pulsating with desire. I thought about how he would feel inside of me and I realized how much I missed it.

He jingled his keys in front of my face and my eyes snapped up as he took two keys off the keyring. I held my palm out and he dropped them into my hand. I was slightly surprised at myself for not fighting him on this. I guess today was just one of those days that I had to pick and choose my battles.

"You can rest in my room or the guest—"

"I'll take the guest room. I can't lie in the bed you share with your wife."

"Adrianna." He paused, looking so deep into my eyes that I was afraid of what would come out of his mouth next. "She has not slept in my bed in over a month." My lips parted in absolute shock. Yeah, I definitely hadn’t been expecting that admission. "She uses the guest room with the yellow blanket."

Christ on a fucking stick. That was the last thing I had expected, and honestly, I'd rather not know. But now I was curious. I wanted so badly to ask what happened, and the look in his eyes told me he wanted me to because it would be an opening for him to explain his actions. But I couldn't. Not yet at least. Not when I felt so fragile. His words were draining and they sucked so much energy from me half the time. I wasn't sure I had the power to stay strong and not break down right now. His truth and confessions needed to wait until I was ready.

Instead, all I could do was nod and take the keys.

"Make yourself comfortable. Eat whatever you want, but make sure you call your doctor first before you do anything."

"When will Katja be back?"

"Not until the end of the week. You have nothing to worry about. Just get some rest."

"Okay. Thank you for doing this. I really didn't want to be alone anymore."

Kova stepped back and I slid off his desk. I adjusted my shorts, then looked for my duffle bag. I smiled inside. I couldn't believe I was actually looking forward to getting rest.

"I should be home soon," he said. "I will bring you dinner."

I didn't plan to stay for dinner, just long enough to fill the loneliness in my chest. He was my lifeline, and it was frightening how much I needed him.

"Is there an alarm on your home?"

"No. Adrianna, promise me you will call your doctor as soon as you get to my house."

Nodding, I picked up my duffle bag. "I will."

He called my name when I got to the door of his office, and I glanced over my shoulder. "You know how I know you are not well?" I frowned. "There is no fight in you. Your fire is missing. Go home. I will see you soon."

It didn't escape me that he had said the word home, as if his home was one we shared.

Maybe Kova was right. Maybe there was something wrong with me, I thought as I unlocked his front door and stepped over the threshold.

I was alone. In Kova's home. The one he shared with his wife.

I set the keys on the table in his foyer so I wouldn't lose them and walked down one of the halls, looking for the room with the yellow blanket. I wanted to see if he had been lying to me.

My heartbeat increased with each step I took that brought me farther into his personal space. The first door on the right was closed, so I opened it, and saw that it was a bathroom with a massive claw foot bathtub and lots of blurry and pixelated windows. The walls were pure white, as was the furniture. So sterile looking and not an ounce of color. Like a mental hospital.

I closed the door and walked to the next room. It was a spare bedroom, but not the one I was looking for. The last door in the hallway was on the left. Walking to it, I realized it was already cracked open.

My heart dropped at the sight of yellow. This was the room. I pushed it open slowly. Even though I knew Katja wasn't there, I was still nervous I'd get caught snooping.

I stepped inside and was immediately hit with a familiar scent that I recalled Kova saying was Katja’s special body wash that she ordered from Russia. I needed to find the bottle. Not because I wanted to smell like her—that would be creepy—but I just really liked it and was curious what the hell was in it.

I glanced around. Everything was tidy and neat, but with no ounce of life. The curtains were drawn and there was a chill in the room. I'd been in other parts of Kova's home before, but they didn't feel like this. Like a bland and frigid museum. The bed was made with a hideous, buttercup yellow, overstuffed comforter, and too many pillows. The nightstands were empty except for a single white lamp on each one. There were even fresh vacuum marks on the white rug. God. What was with all the white? It didn't look like anyone lived in this room. My stomach knotted, and I was quick to call Kova a liar until I looked at the dresser and saw two picture frames that were turned face down. I frowned and walked over and picked them up. With everything so meticulous, I knew that wasn't an accident.

Turning one over, I saw that inside the frame was a photo of Kova and Katja. They were smiling and appeared to be so in love. Kova stood behind Katja with his arms wrapped around her shoulders while he kissed the side of her head through a grin. I felt bad as I stared at the image of the seemingly happy—and now married—couple and wondered what had happened between them.

Swallowing, I placed the frame back how I found it, face down, and picked up the other one. It was another image of Kova and Katja. They were walking hand in hand on a beach where the sand was a pale pink and the water a crystal-clear blue. There weren’t many places in the world with pink sand, so this told me they had been on vacation somewhere, probably the Bahamas. Both of them trim and in shape, looking like the ideal couple everyone wanted to be. I glowered at Katja's flawless body and the bikini she wore that only a Victoria’s Secret model could pull off. I wasn't a jealous person, but it annoyed me how perfect she was from head to toe. Perfectly sized boobs I didn't have, wide hips I didn't have that gave way to a sexy thigh gap, and long, lean legs. Of course Kova was looking at her, smirking with black sunglasses, a black backwards hat, and black board shorts that sat extremely low on his trim waist. Kova was too attractive for his own good, and he looked like he wanted to devour every inch of her body.

Scowling, I flipped the frame back down a little too hard and heard the glass splinter. I froze, sucked in a breath, and panicked. I carefully lifted the frame and looked at the glass, and saw I had cracked it in a few places. Fuck! I placed it back down and prayed no one found it, or that Katja would blame Kova for it.

Before I left, I pulled open the drawers and snooped. If Katja was staying in here, then there had to be something of hers…and there was.

Relief coursed through me and the pressure in my chest eased. I let out a long sigh. Each of the six drawers had woman's clothes in them. Lastly, I checked the closet and found tons of designer garments and shoes and purses. Making sure I left everything how I had found it, I left Katja's room and left the door cracked, just as it had been before I entered.

My phone pinged and I jumped at the sound. God, I felt so guilty for sneaking around. Glancing down, I saw a text from Kova.

Coach: Do not forget to call the doctor.

Pulling up my contacts, I found my doctor's office number and called. The receptionist picked up on the second ring.

"Hi, this is Adrianna Rossi. I'm calling to make an appointment to go over the results of my blood work? Is there any way I can come in today?"

"Okay… Let me see what I have available," she responded. I could hear her fingers flying over the keyboard.

"Are you able to tell me anything about my results?" I asked while I waited.

"Unfortunately, I can't. I'm not a doctor."

"What about if a nurse called me?"

"You’d have to come in regardless, and as of right now, it looks like the doctor is booked out until the end of the week."

"The end of the week," I repeated, freaking out.

I shook my head. This couldn't happen. I refused to miss that much practice. I walked over to Kova's couch and sat down. Bending over, I placed my forehead in my palm and stared at the marble floor.

"I need an emergency appointment, please. The doctor was adamant I come back as soon as possible based on the results of the first round of blood that was drawn. I was out of town and received multiple calls to the point my emergency contact was notified. Obviously, something is wrong. I need to come in sooner and if you don't believe me, you can ask the doctor herself."

I didn’t want to be rude, but I had no other option.

"Please hold." Heart pounding, I waited for what felt like an eternity for the receptionist to come back. "The doctor can see you first thing in the morning. That's the best she can do."

I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I'll take it."

"Perfect. We'll see you at nine." She confirmed, then hung up before I could say another word.

Expelling a loud, unladylike sigh, I sat back and stared at the ceiling, wondering what I was going to do with my time until then.

Me: My appointment is tomorrow morning.

Coach: Good. Thank you for letting me know. I should be out of here in two hours.

I stood up and walked toward the other end of the house, looking for the master bedroom. I wanted to change out of my leotard, but I didn't have extra clothes with me; Kova wouldn't mind if I borrowed one of his shirts.

I was walking past his office and the room where he kept all of his gymnastics memorabilia when the memories assaulted me. Chills broke out down my arms. It was where he’d told me about his time in the Olympics for the first time, about his mother, and where he’d told me I was beautiful, if not more so than Katja. Where he softly touched my face and looked at me in a way a coach should never look at his gymnast. It was in that moment that everything changed for us.

When I reached the end of the dark hallway, I took a deep breath and placed my hand on the cold knob. Turning it, I pushed the door open and anticipated another crisp, stiff bedroom. Instead, I walked into a room that didn't match the rest of the house. While there was a cold and sterile feel to Katja's side of the house, Kova's side was masculine, warm, and elegant. His side was so much more inviting.

I stepped inside and was immediately submerged in Kova. This room was undeniably his and where he let himself be free to express himself. I was immediately cloaked in Kova's scent and my skin tingled with awareness. The heavy curtains blocked out all light. In the center of the room, against a slate gray accent wall, was an inviting king-size bed made up with a thick, deep blood red and dark gray comforter. There were no decorative throw pillows that suggested a woman's touch, just four large black ones. In front of his bed was a black leather sitting bench. No matching carpet like the other bland guest rooms, but charcoal gray wood floors with a giant animal hide rug in the center. On one side of the wall was an enormous armoire that made my jaw drop. I walked over to it, in awe of the detailed craftsmanship and brought my hand up to touch it.

Scrolls of tropical leaves were scored into the wood, wicker accents giving off an island feel, flanked by two bamboo inspired columns. On the opposite side, parallel to the armoire, was a workout area fitted with a stand used to work the upper body, and some free weights on a shelf off to the side. There was nothing on the walls save for a television mounted to the wall closest to the door with a large dresser underneath that matched the armoire. The TV was larger than me.

I glanced around. Who the hell had decorated this room? It was seductive and dark and mysterious and lush and unlike anything else in the house.

I loved it.

This had to be Kova's touch. His essence filled the room the same way he made a statement with so few words. Less is more and all that.

Curious to see the bathroom now, I strode toward the en suite and stopped short, sucking in a breath.

Wide, slate gray tiles lined the walls from floor to ceiling. A grand shower with no doors and a massive rain showerhead was next to the black marble vanity. There was a rectangular bathtub carved from stone directly in the center. It was so big I could stretch out in it and still not fill it. The last thing I had on my list of things to never do anytime soon was to take a bath, but after seeing Kova's, I wanted to test it out. Much to my surprise, there was a window with no blinds or curtains. It wasn't blurred, nor did it have mosaic tiles to block curious eyes. It led to what I assumed was his backyard and had a view of rows and rows of bamboo trees bunched together.

I stood back in utter shock. Kova's house was impressive to begin with, but his room and bathroom were something else. His own oasis. It must have been the one room he’d demanded to design and decorate. Everything was elegant and lavish. I'd love to see what he'd do with an entire house. In truth, I was surprised he could afford something this opulent. I knew money when I saw it thanks to my upbringing, and Kova had way more than he let on.

Once I got over my shock of seeing Kova’s side of the house, I decided I had to test out his bathtub. I searched through Kova's drawers until I found a shirt to wear, then I ran the water. I didn't even bother looking for a pair of shorts, since I knew there was no way they would fit.

With the bath filled, I looked for some soap for bubbles but found lots of Epsom salt instead. I should have known better—it was Kova's favorite. I dumped a bunch in and waited a minute or so before stripping down and climbing in.

A heavenly sigh rolled off my lips at the heat of the water and how good it felt on my aching body. Grabbing my cell phone, I placed my legs on the ledge of the tub and crossed them. I took a picture and texted it to Kova. Seconds later, he responded.

Coach: There better be bath salts in there.

Me: LOL there are.

Coach: I like seeing you in my tub.

Me: It's so big I could swim in it. The jets feel so good.

Coach: I am glad you are using it. It does not get any use at all.

I had to ignore that one.

Me: I'm just glad it's not an ice bath for once.

I took a picture of the window and sent it to Kova.

Me: Why does this not shock me?

Coach: What?

Me: The fact that you have a window with no covering and anyone can see in.

Coach: What can I say? I am a bit of an exhibitionist.

I thought of Kova walking around naked and how he was not modest in the least. I got the notion that he liked when people looked at him. His body was to die for, especially naked, so I shouldn’t have been surprised. My pussy tingled from the image of him in my head, of him under the cascading shower, stroking himself into oblivion. I looked at the window and realized it was angled perfectly toward the shower and the bathtub. I had to squeeze my legs shut from the sudden throbbing. Water sloshed from side to side.

Me: Now THAT doesn't surprise me. LOL I’m gonna take a nap soon.

Coach: Only in my bed. See you soon.

After the water cooled, I got out and grabbed a towel hanging from the wall to dry myself. Chills coated my body from the cool air, but the towel was hot to my touch. Wrapping it around my body, I sighed at the warmth and thickness. His towel rack was heated. At this point, I didn't want to ever leave his room. This was heaven.

I dried off and glanced around. The only thing decorating the room was the fresh, white orchids in a huge square black vase on the vanity right in the center.

Reaching for his shirt so I could slip it on, I retracted, thinking the towel would be warmer and cozier under the blanket.

Clutching the material to my chest, I stepped into his bedroom and pulled back the covers to reveal soft, gray sheets, and climbed in. I loosened the towel to get situated and pulled the blankets over me. I took out my hair tie and fluffed my hair. For me, taking a hair tie out was the equivalent to taking a bra off after a long day.

This was a mistake. A big, fat mistake, because once my head hit the pillow, Kova's scent surrounded me, stimulating my blood with shameless ideas. This whole time I’d thought he wore cologne, but it was just his natural aroma. He didn't wear cologne to bed, no one would do that, and he’d told me Katja hadn't shared his bed in a month, so I knew this smell was all him.

Rolling over onto my side, I closed my eyes and tried to block out any illicit thoughts that flitted through my head. Sighing, I felt at ease and not lonely for the first time in a long time. I hugged the king-size down pillow to the length of my body and hiked a knee up, expelling a breath. I needed to sleep. I was exhausted.

But sleep wouldn't come. I shifted to my other side and faced Kova's workout equipment. I imagined him in the zone doing dips and pullups, in nothing but shorts, his muscles straining with sweat dripping down his flushed chest. The shorts would sit low, low enough for me to see the carved muscles around his hips that led to his plump ass, defined and incredibly delicious looking, and the dark hairs that led to his cock. Maybe he’d even be wearing that backwards hat I loved so much. Or, maybe, he would be naked except for the hat. I noticed a weightlifting belt for his waist and wondered if he strapped weights to it while he used the stationary machine. I wondered if I could plaster myself to him like a spider monkey while he did dips. That would be insanely hot.

Christ on a stick. I needed to stop. A throb resonated between my legs, my pussy becoming wet. God, this was humiliating. All I had to do was imagine Kova working out and I was getting turned on in a bed he had at one time shared with his wife.

I closed my eyes and sighed, pushing all thoughts from my head. I was relaxed and in a good place—even my mind was relaxed—which was so strange considering where I was. But I knew. I knew why I felt like this, and I didn't want to admit it.

It was Kova. It was always Kova, and though his presence could rile me up, it also had the ability to calm me down.

Shifting, I hiked my leg up even further and cuddled the pillow closer to me. The material of the towel and thickness of the pillow pushed against my clit in just the right spot. My body lit up with hunger in response. I groaned at the pressure and tried not to move, but it felt too good and my hips rolled against it. My clit dragged down the uneven material of the towel, my pussy aching with the need to be touched. I did it again, and again, and the heat coursing through my body intensified with every thrust, making me even wetter with desire.

I squeezed the pillow to me, knowing I needed to stop, but wanting to roll over and climb on it too. I wanted to rub my aching clit all over the place where he rested his head at night and caress myself on it until I came. I pretended it was Kova's face I was riding and froze. I was so close to coming. My eyes clenched shut. I had to stop. This wasn't right. I was in his bed, but my hips wouldn't stop and I ground myself against the towel as I squeezed the pillow harder with my thighs, loving the friction and feeling like I’d die if I didn’t have more. My nipples puckered to hard points, the towel teasing the sensitive skin. Long, breathy sighs rolled off my lips, my moans echoing through the room. I wanted to come, and I desperately wanted to come in Kova's bed.

Oh God. My body was flushed with heat. I rolled onto my back and pushed the blanket off but kept the towel on. I needed to stop this, but my hand was already under the towel, sliding through the swollen lips of my pussy and rubbing my clit. Hips bucking, I cupped myself as hard as I could, almost painfully, and undulated on a wave of euphoria. The towel slid off, exposing my body to the cool air. I moaned, climbing higher, when a sound outside the room caught my attention. I froze, my heart hammering. I looked to the side and found Kova standing in the doorway.

I gasped, breathing heavily, and yet I couldn't stop touching myself, especially now, with him watching me. I closed my legs and ground myself into my hand.

Kova pushed the door open fully and sauntered in. Our eyes locked onto each other like an imaginary force was pulling us together until he reached the side of the bed and loomed over me. His gaze darkened with a look I knew all too well. I bit my lip, embarrassed that I'd been caught.

His eyes blazed with lust and his tongue rolled over his bottom lip. Kova picked up the towel and tossed it to the floor. My hand was still tucked between my legs. He dragged the back of his knuckles alongside my thigh, softly and gently stroking my creamy skin. He opened his palm and skimmed my hip. He gave my hip a squeeze, and my back arched. My gaze dropped to his shorts, his obvious erection straining against the material.

"Please do not let me stop you," he growled.

My cheeks flushed and I swallowed. "How long were you standing there?"

"Long enough to see you about to fuck my pillow." My eyes widened and my cheeks flushed again. I wanted to fucking die of embarrassment. "I would not have minded, you know. In fact, I wish you had. I was waiting for you to put the pillow between your thighs and climb on. You could have put your hands on the headboard so I would see your back flex and contract while you rode the same place I put my face every night. You could have rode it hard until you came." I continued to stare at him in silence, wanting to do just that. "Why did you stop?" he asked, still touching my leg.

"Stop what?" I all but panted.

"With my pillow. Why did you stop grinding your sweet little pussy all over it?"

I averted my gaze, trying to figure out how to handle this conversation. Kova wasn't mad, he was turned on and rock hard. His cock was even bigger now, my pussy instantly craving the outline of his thick length.

I whimpered and went with the truth, seeing as he liked hearing it. "Because I didn't want to leave a wet mark on it."

"You are not shy in front of me," he stated.

"No," I responded softly. "I think with anyone else I might be, but not with you."

Kova's jaw flexed, his nostrils flaring, his eyes hungering for more. Then, he shocked me.

"Do it. Touch yourself."

Chills rolled down my spine, my body flushing so hot I felt like I was on fire at the thought of him watching me. I wanted it. My heart hammered in my chest, my pussy soaking wet at the thought of actually doing it. Kova climbed onto the bed and kneeled in front of me, his hands going to my knees to spread my legs…and I let him. His hungry gaze immediately went to my sex and I felt moisture seep out. His nostrils flared and he looked at me, his eyes heavy and dark. I pulled my knees up, showing him what he'd never have again, only for him to quickly lean down and give me one long, good swipe of his tongue.

"Oh God," I moaned, gasping as pleasure rocked through me. My back arched from the way he flattened his tongue.

"I have missed your taste on my tongue," he said, his voice guttural.

Kova shifted closer and placed a hand on each of my inner thighs. He glided them roughly up until he reached my bikini line, the anticipation that he'd go farther was so crazy I almost asked him to. Right before he reached my core, he squeezed my thighs hard. I let out a moan and when he did it again, I almost purred. His strength alone turned me on.

Reaching out with two fingers, I offered them to him. Kova hesitate to slip them into his mouth. His tongue wrapped around seductively, nibbling. I pulled back, but he tightened his grip and guided them to my sex. With our eyes locked, he pressed my two fingers to my clit, his index finger on top of mine, and circled it painfully slow. He stopped at the center of my clit and paused, then pushed into it. I dragged in a breath, lips parting as a shock of pleasure vibrated throughout my body. He circled, then pushed again, until I felt liquid run down my ass. Using the tip of his finger, Kova pushed mine aside and expertly caressed my aching clit.

And I let him. I couldn't stop him. His eyes were too hungry and my body craved his touch.

Kova circled a few more times, enough to leave me breathing heavily and my thighs quaking. Using my fingers again, Kova slid down with purpose until he reached my entrance. He stopped. I held my breath and waited.

Kova pressed on my entrance with all three of our fingers and I swallowed thickly. He inserted just the tips, caressing my walls, and then curled them. We both let out a strangled breath of hunger. He did it again, and again, pushing a little deeper each time.

"Kova," I whispered. Pulling our fingers out, a wet suction followed by a pop sounded in the silence of his room, and it was so damn hot to me. He yanked me up, and I flew into his chest and onto his lap, my knees straddling him. He had my wrist in a tight hold, our faces so close to each other. He wrapped his other arm around my back, cupping my ass.

Sucking my fingers into his mouth, I watched his tongue slip between the digits as he licked the clear liquid off. I purred, my cheeks tinged with warmth. Lips parting, chest rising and falling rapidly, I drew in a breath as I leaned toward his mouth.

His eyes flared with heat. "You have said my name three times now, which tells me your wall is finally fucking breaking down. I am not your coach. I have never been just your coach."

Entranced, I couldn't stop staring at his mouth. He'd gotten some of me on his bottom lip and that was all I could focus on. His scent enveloped me, sending me into a tizzy. He was right—he'd never just been a coach to me.

"The least you can do is fuck yourself where I sleep every night so I can smell your pussy and see the mark you leave when you’re gone."

My eyes shot to his and they widened. Chills slithered down my spine.

"You're so fucking filthy," I said, my voice thick with need.

"Do it," he demanded.

I was embarrassed to admit out loud that I loved when he talked dirty to me.

Kova tilted his head to the side, his eyes roaming my face. "Unless, of course, you want me to be deep inside you," he whispered seductively against my lips. "The way I am feeling right now, I can split you in two." Kova pinched my chin between his fingers. He licked over my lips and I felt more pleasure seep from me. "That is not why I wanted you to come here though—I hope you know that—but I am happy to oblige." He smirked, and I felt it in my soul. "I think you want my cock deep inside your pussy. I think you miss coming on my cock but are scared to admit it. I know I sure as fuck do. The only time I ever come hard is when I am coming inside you. Only you."

I let out a rushed breath, my heart ablaze and body screaming for more. I loved when he spoke to me like that. I found it provocatively hot.

"Or do you want me to play with you here," he asked, his hands sliding to my ass toward my hole. He pressed on it and I drew in a breath as I got on my knees. My heart thumped fanatically in my chest as the anticipation rose. "Between your pussy and your ass, do you know the things I could do to you? The things I could make you feel? The things we could feel together?"

The words he said turned me on so high I felt like I was flying. I was mortified l liked it so much and that I could orgasm just from hearing his raspy voice alone.

Kova smirked again, his eyes knowing. He tickled my ass and my clit throbbed. I moaned out a strangled sigh.

"You like when I say things like that, do you not?"

I licked my lips and nodded subtly. Kova reached between our bodies and cupped my pussy, then dragged his fingers up to put them in his mouth. I whimpered, watching as he sucked every bit of it off.

That was all I could handle.

Wiggling out of his hold, I grasped the seam of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head. My mouth was on his seconds later and I could taste myself on him, which only ignited my passion even more. I held the back of his head so he couldn't move. I kissed him hard, bruising, the way he would kiss me, and rubbed myself along the length of his shaft. His hips thrust forward and I knew he wanted me just as bad. We groaned into each other's mouths, grinding against one another. His hand smoothed over my ass as he played with my entrance. I kissed him harder, biting his lip. My hands were everywhere—I couldn't stop touching every inch of his delectable body.

I needed to come and I would do anything to get there. If I had to rub my pussy all over him until I orgasmed, I would. Wouldn't be my first time. And I knew he'd let me.

Kova broke the kiss. Without another word, he leaned around me and positioned two thick, huge pillows on top of each other next to me, then grabbed my hips and jerked me around until I was straddling them, facing the wall. I placed my hand on the headboard to steady myself, nearly drunk from his kisses, touches, and filthy words.

Kova came up behind me. "Put both hands on the headboard." His deep voice caressed the column of my neck. His calloused hands massaged up the length of my back, sending little sparks and shivers the higher he moved, until he cupped my neck and forced me to look back at him. Kova leaned around and squeezed my throat, his tongue coming out to lick my mouth and kiss me good.

"Rub your clit on the pillow," he ordered against my lips. I wasn't shy in front of Kova for the most part, but masturbating on a pillow? I'd rather use his thigh. I wasn't sure what this would do for me and I was kind of embarrassed to try. Kova tightened his grip. "Do I need to spread those pussy lips for you, hmmm?"

The thought excited me so much that I felt myself turn seven shades of red and my heart threatened to beat right out of my chest.

Biting my lip, I nodded.

Kova's eyes flared and he grinned. "This is what I love about you, Adrianna. You get lost in the moment like I do and you simply feel. You let everything go and allow your body the pleasure you so secretly desire."

Kova situated himself behind me, his thighs cupping mine. Reaching around to my front, I watched his hands slide along the pillow until they were under me. Goose bumps pebbled my body at the visual I had in my head of what he was doing. I was already soaking wet. I could feel the slickness on my thighs.

Carefully, his fingers spread my swollen lips apart until I was wide open on his pillow. I sighed, sinking down. Surprisingly, it felt good. No, it felt fucking incredible. The creases of the pillowcase bunched together and hit different spots. I whimpered when one of his hands left to reach behind me, and I felt him shift around until I heard elastic snap. With his other hand, he used two fingers to push the tender skin back so my clit was exposed, then his warm erection touched my spine. I moaned loudly, not caring what I sounded like. My head rolled back and I lost myself to the feeling.

"Do not remove your hands," he ordered.

"No sex, Kova." I had no idea how I managed to get that out.

"That is number four. Four times you said my name."

With both hands, Kova showed me what he wanted me to do by slowly guiding my hips back, then rotating them forward, pressing me downward into the pillows as I moved. A shot of adrenaline sped through me.

"Oh God," I said gasped.

"Arch your back." I did. "More." This time I almost saw stars. "You feel it?"

"Yes," I gasped. "On my clit."

"Again."

For about a minute straight, and with the help of Kova's hands on my hips, he guided me so I was rubbing myself all over his pillow, bringing my pleasure higher and higher. It was the perfect angle to make me lose control.

"Now arch again and hold it." He paused. "Arch more. Yes, like that."

God, I couldn't think straight. I was starting to pant from the sheer ecstasy he brought me.

Using both hands, he gently spread my butt cheeks, then positioned the tip of his cock at my puckered hole.

Kova placed his hand in front of my face. "Spit on my hand," he ordered, and I did. Then he used my saliva to stroke my ass.

"Oh, oh God," was all I could say.

"Imagine," he said hoarsely, his hands caressing my back, "my cock in your ass while your clit gets worked at the same time." He pressed on the hole, and I didn't stop him. "It is the perfect position and height." Kova kissed my neck, then said, "Now relax for me, malysh."

Much to my absolute shock, I heaved myself backward and moaned at the forbidden pressure. Kova froze. Leaning forward so that his chest was pressed to my back, he slowly and carefully pushed the tip of his dick into me. I gasped, feeling the fiery burn. My breathing labored. I couldn't believe I was letting this happen. My clit throbbed and I felt like I would cry if I didn't come soon.

"Or, I can reach around and do this while I take your ass." His teeth sank into my shoulder as his fingers pinched my clit so hard I yelled out. My head whipped back. "You want it, do you not?"

Squeezing my eyes shut, I chewed my bottom lip and nodded before answering. "I forget who I am with you. I forget what I'm supposed to feel—and not supposed to feel—when I'm with you," I said honestly. Then I bared down and pushed back more as wetness seeped from me onto the pillow. I gasped in delight, feeling the tip of his dick breech the little hole even more. It was all too much though and frustrated tears sprang to my eyes. My head fell back onto his chest. "I don't know who I am."

"Maybe this is who you are," he said, his hot breath taunting my neck. "Maybe this is what you want, but you resent that because you are not used to it and it shocks you. Maybe even humiliates you. Like right now, my cock is barely in and it is stretching your little ass. You think it is wrong, but it is not wrong. How can it be wrong when it feels so fucking right?" Kova rubbed my clit, my orgasm climbing and climbing, helping diffuse the pain and place my focus elsewhere.

"I lose control when I'm with you like this," I panted. "I want more and more and more, and I feel wrong for wanting the things I do, for the things I think about."

He kissed my shoulder. "Do not ever be ashamed to want something, Adrianna. Everyone takes pleasure in different ways. We just happen to enjoy the same carnal things. Look down and see what you did."

I did, and my cheeks flamed so hot even my ears burned. There was a huge wet spot on his gray pillowcase, completely saturated with me.

"That is your cum. And you know what?"

I shook my head. "What?" He was still rubbing my clit, and my thighs were shaking in response. He slid his dick a little further into my ass but I tensed, shaking my head. "Too much," I said, completely breathless, and he pulled out.

"I fucking love it. I love knowing I can make you feel good. I love knowing you release this little vixen side of you when you are worked up. It is fucking sexy and such a turn-on because you are giving me your pleasure. You push, I pull. You fight, I attack. Can you come like this?"

"I don’t think so. It feels good, but the pillow is too soft."

"You need it hard."

I swallowed and nodded.

"Squeeze the pillow with your thighs and try to close your legs."

I did as he suggested and felt a sharpness zip up my spine. My back bowed until I was fully raised up on my knees.

His hands moved up and tweaked my nipples, tugging on the little buds. My hips moved of their own accord and I rode the pillow the same way I longed to ride Kova. I whimpered because all I could think about was how I wanted his cock inside me.

Kova's tongue lapped my neck, his teeth scoring my flesh. He reached down with one hand and adjusted himself so his erection slid against my opened pussy. I bared down so hard on him I thought I'd break him.

"Kova, oh fuuucckkk…"

He growled like the fucking animal he was. "That is five."

My eyes rolled shut. I was in a daze, high on pleasure, on the verge of the biggest climax of my life.

"This," he said, moving in unison with my body, "is not something you will find with anyone else. I hope you remember that."

"More. I want more."

He groaned in my ear and licked my neck. "That is my girl."

Kova threw me to the side, and I rolled over onto my back. I panted, breathing heavily, and stared at the ceiling. I was shaking all over, my body drained and worked up at the same time. I glanced at Kova. His dick and heavy sac were pulled out and standing thick and tall. He lifted my hips and placed the same pillow I was just on under my ass and then looked down.

"You are so fucking wet and swollen. Your pussy is pink." I clenched at the word and his eyes lit up, "And your clit… I want to bite the fuck out of it until it bleeds." The passion in his voice went right through me.

"See." The word rolled off my lips, my pussy tingling. "I shouldn't want that."

"But you do."

I nodded. "I want you to bite me and make me bleed. I want your teeth marks all over my body. It excites me, the unknown, but I know it's wrong."

Kova got on his stomach and positioned himself so his face was right between my thighs. "It is not wrong if you want it. Give me your hand."

I could barely see his head over my mound as I reached to give him my hand.

"Touch yourself, use your fingers, but go slow. I want to hear it, the sounds your pussy makes when you are turned on." My eyes rolled shut and I moaned. "Ah, your pussy just dripped even more, so you do like when I say filthy shit."

It didn't take long until I was shaking with desire and on edge. "Stick a finger in." I did. "Add another." I did and clenched up. I strained to look at him, but his eyes were fixated on my sex like he was a starved animal. "Do you hear that?" he asked, finally looking at me.

"Yes." I did. The sound of me fingering myself was the only sound in the room. The wet suction was beyond hot and enticing. "It's tight though," I said.

"Add another," he responded, his eyes flaring. "I want to watch your pussy stretch."

"It's too tight for another finger and it’s a weird angle for me."

"Do it, Adrianna."

I swallowed, pulled my fingers out, and said, "You do it."

He didn't hesitate but grabbed my hand and licked my fingers clean. Then he was inserting two fingers, moving them around and then quickly adding a third.

I was breathing so hard and my hips sinking on the pillows.

"Do not hold back," he said. "Let me hear you."

He couldn’t want to hear me because I was on the verge of screaming.

"Kova, I'm close."

"That is six."

"Oh God, make me come, please. I can't take it anymore." My thighs quivered and my body shook with need. I was so close.

"I wish you could see how beautiful it is to watch your pussy stretch. I want to fuck it. Then I want to come all over you, inside you, on you. I want to watch my cum pour out of you. I want to mark you so you know who you belong to."

I brought my hand to my clit and started rubbing fast. I was ready to burst, but he swiped my hand away. I shot a scathing glance at him, totally frustrated now.

"Please, stop torturing me."

Kova removed his fingers. Before I could protest, he lifted my ass and looked at my sex like it was a feast, then leaned in. Starting at my ass, he teased it for a moment before licking a long, hot, thick trail up and penetrating my entrance with his tongue. His breath was hot and I bucked against his face, not caring how rough I was. My thighs shook and he lowered me. Inserting his fingers again, he wrapped his lips around my clit and bit down, his tongue lapping until I was rolling my hips into his face and holding his head to my pussy, forcing him to suck me. His fingers curled inside me and my hips jerked as he bit my clit again, and that was it.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. Oh God…"

I pushed the back of his head down hard, grinding into his face. I could hear him swallowing, humming against my pussy, could see my thighs shaking around his face, my hips churning from the sheer force of pleasure shooting through my body. This was by far the most intense orgasm I'd ever had in my entire life and I never wanted it to end. His fingers and tongue never stopped moving, not until I pulled his hair to force him back. Kova looked at me, his face almost feral. He looked like he was ready to pounce and mount me like a tiger. Looking at his mouth covered in my wetness propelled me forward. I leaned up, throwing the pillow aside and I moved. He sat back on his knees as I kissed the fuck out of him.

Our hands threaded through each other's hair as our mouths moved together. "I can taste myself," I said, and kissed him again like I was sucking myself off him. My tender sex glided against the length of his erection pressed between us and he moaned.

"Your pussy tastes better than anything I have ever had. I could eat it every day for the rest of my life if you would let me."

"Don't tempt me," I responded.

Apparently, my body wasn't done because I started rubbing myself on him fast and hard. Kova's breathing picked up, his hands everywhere. He pulled my hair, grabbed my ass, slapping it hard, then took my hips and moved them back and forth against his dick until I thought he was going to fuck me. My pussy hit his balls every time, making sure my opening and clit slid up his length.

"More, harder," I whispered, and he did. We stared at each other, never breaking focus. "I'm gonna come again. Oh my God," I cried out, wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders, and locked onto him. There was no space between us. I ground my clit into his thick cock and started coming, and then so did he.

I tried to kiss him, but Kova pulled my hair, holding me back. Our eyes locked again as he unloaded between us. He moaned, his body contracting as he orgasmed. He thrust his hips and I gasped when I felt him blow his heavy, hot load between us. His cock twitched against my pussy and his cum hit my stomach.

"Don't stop."

"Never."

I couldn't get enough and was suddenly in a frenzy, searching for more. I wanted to fuck him so bad. I tried to kiss him again but he still wouldn't let me. Kova sensed a change in me and reached between us. There was so much sticky cum on us that my jaw dropped and my body erupted.

I came alive.

"I want to lick it off you." I found myself telling him, trying to push him down to the bed. "I want you to fuck me."

He groaned deep in his throat and mumbled something in Russian. "No, malysh."

"Please," I begged. "I need you to fuck me, I need to feel you. Let me ride you."

"No," he said firmly. "Shut your mouth and focus on my touch."

Using two fingers, he swiped some of the remnants of his orgasm and then quickly rubbed my clit with enough force that I was coming, for the third time, just seconds later. He slipped the two fingers into my tender pussy and I rode them, imagining it was his cock.

Exhausted, I let out a long sigh and my head dropped to his shoulder, finally coming down. Kova held me in his arms, kissing my cheek, my neck, wherever he could, until the effects of the orgasm left my body completely.

I picked my head up and looked at him with sleepy eyes. As strange as it sounded, I was glad he hadn’t agreed to sex.

"See, I don't know who I am when I'm with you. I almost feel dirty."

He palmed my cheeks and kissed my mouth. "You are no one other than Adrianna Rossi. You are who you always have been. You just release your uninhibited side with me, and I am the only man who knows what to do with it."

I touched his bottom lip, gently sliding my finger over it like I was applying lip balm. Quietly, I asked, "Why didn't you have sex with me?"

He smoothed back the loose strands of hair from my face, contemplating his answer. "Because I know it is not what you wanted."

I glanced up. "Even after I asked for it, you knew I wouldn't want it?"

Kova nodded. "Yes. I knew what you needed, and that I could give it to you, but I was not going to take advantage. I did not want you to regret anything."

He was right. I was breaking down and that scared me. I laid my head on his chest and he stroked my back, dragging his finger up and down my spine while I sat in his lap.

"Kova?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

"I am trying, Adrianna. I know you are not ready to hear what happened and how things came to be this way, but I do hope one day you allow me the opportunity. Until then, I am just going to keep trying." He paused. "Do you regret anything we just did?"

I thought about his question and was surprised by my answer. "No, I don't."

Kova let out a loud breath and I pulled back to look at him. "What?"

"I thought you would say yes."

"Were you worried?"

"Yes, I was. I did not want to ruin any progress we may have made."

I frowned. "What makes you think we made any?"

He shrugged. "A gut feeling. Little things here and there. You would not have let me touch you had we not. I know there is nothing I can make you do. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I know you will have to come to me on your own. I will just be here waiting for you when that happens."

"I'm still heartbroken by what you did. Don't confuse what we just did for something it's not. I needed a release, and you were convenient."

A shadow came over Kova's eyes. His face drawn, he cleared his throat and averted his gaze, lifting me off him.

He got up and stood stiffly at the side of his bed.

"Go get cleaned up. You can use my bathroom or the guest one, whichever you like. Take a hot shower to warm your muscles up, then meet me in the guest room. I will set the table up there."

Before I could respond, he turned and walked away. I frowned, watching his back flex, wondering if he was being cold toward me, or if it was just my imagination.

ONCE I RINSED OFF, I put Kova's shirt on and met him in the guest room. He was on his knees, dressed in only basketball shorts and his baseball hat, opening the massage table box. He’d been telling the truth when he said he hadn’t used it for anyone else. I softened a little inside.

"I hope you don't mind that I'm wearing your shirt. I only have workout clothes with me."

He didn't bother looking up.

"That is fine."

I glanced around, a little excited about getting a massage. "Is there anything you need me to do?"

"No."

"Where do you want me?"

"Wherever you want to be."

I frowned and bunched the hem of his shirt in my fists. "Do you want me to get you water or anything?" I felt stupid asking if he wanted me to get him a drink in his own house, but he was acting strange and I wanted to break the awkwardness. "Tools?"

Tools? I rolled my eyes at myself. Could I be any more embarrassing?

Kova pulled the tape off one side of the box. He turned his head away and reached for a box cutter. The Olympic tattoo on the side of his ribs caught my attention. It contracted and flexed with each of his movements.

"Help yourself to anything you want."

I chewed my lip. My eyes skated nervously across the carpet. I didn't know where to look and decided I'd get some water, even though I wasn't thirsty. I saw a glass with clear liquid on the table next to where he was working, and I had a feeling it was vodka.

He was clearly upset.

"Uh, okay." I walked into his kitchen feeling uncomfortable and began opening random cabinets, looking for a glass. When I found one, I filled it with some tap water, then leaned against the counter and drank it.

I studied the tile floor, staring in a daze, wondering what I had done to cause the swift change in his mood. I didn't think I'd done anything wrong, and I certainly hadn't left him with blue balls. Maybe it was just my imagination.

I placed the glass down and walked back into the guest room. Kova already had all the pieces out and lined up, a few of them already put together. I walked to a white wicker chair next to the window and sat down. I glanced through the sheer white curtain at the bamboo trees outside, then looked back at Kova, who was reading an instruction sheet.

"What's with all the white in these two rooms?"

He didn't respond.

"They're so cold and sterile, like a museum. I was afraid to breathe in them. Same for the bathroom. Does anyone use it?"

He remained silent, not answering any of my questions, so I decided to screw with him.

"Do you need any help?”

"Why did you get the table delivered here instead of the gym?”

"Did you decorate your room?"

"What would you do if I slept with Hayden?"

"Is white Katja's favorite color? Maybe that's why the feel is so different. Hot verses cold. Frigid bitch,” I mumbled under my breath.

He didn't respond or react. Instead, he put the paper down and took a big swig of his drink, then picked up two pieces of steel and started assembling. He ignored my questions, and for some reason that hurt my heart.

I figured the question about Hayden would at least get a reaction. He wasn't listening to a word I had said and that got my head spinning. Now I knew I’d done something to upset him, I just didn’t know what. Or rather, I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I suspected my words had hurt him, but I wasn't sure because Kova had never let my words affect him so much. He'd always been unbreakable. At least that's how it had always seemed.

Something clashed together and I jumped. Kova spat out a long slew of Russian words that caused me to flinch without even knowing what he said. He shot a fleeting look my way and scowled, then picked up two pieces of the table and screwed them together.

"I guess you used up all your English words for the day," I said softly to myself.

Blinking, I turned away and glanced longingly out the window again. That black hollowness I was so used to spread to my chest and throughout my soul once more, taking up residence. God, I hated it so much that it brought tears to my eyes. I took a deep breath and pulled my knees up to my chest and exhaled. The whole point of coming to his home was so I wouldn’t feel alone. But sitting here with this man who always filled every room he walked into with so much energy and color was making me feel more isolated than I'd ever felt before.

"I'm not wearing underwear," I said, climbing onto the table. I pulled the hem of his shirt down and laid on my stomach. I looked at him over my shoulder.

He grabbed his glass and took a long sip of the clear liquid. I swear his eyes were on my feet.

"It is no matter. I know how to keep it professional when I need to."

My forehead creased so hard I was starting to give myself a headache. I looked away, totally and completely baffled. Coming from Kova, I had no idea what that meant. Professional wasn't a word in our joined vocabulary.

"I will do a blading session since it has been a long while, then I will do a massage."

"Okay," I responded quietly, then focused on the wall.

Kova unraveled his tools and quickly got to work. He applied so much pressure my body clenched as he dragged the tool up the back of my calf, then down. The pressure wasn't unusual, but he usually asked if I was okay. Today, he didn't.

I gripped the sides of the table and ground my teeth together. I rambled off a bunch of questions just to take my mind off the procedure.

"I am trying to focus, Adrianna," was all he said.

I knew he was, but he usually obliged and assisted me in any way he could. Now he wasn't. Kova switched tools and I decided that as soon as he was finished I'd leave. If I was going to feel this alone inside, I could do it at home where I at least could cry about it. I didn’t want to be here with him anymore if he was going to act like a stranger. I didn't like this melancholic cloud hanging over my head. I chewed the inside of my cheek, knowing this session would be over soon. Blading didn't take very long, thankfully.

I exhaled a long breath once he was finished. I didn't move but glanced over my shoulder at Kova putting away the instruments. The blading, while it helped tremendously, took so much energy out of me when I had so little to begin with. My eyes were heavy, and I blinked long and hard.

"I'm really tired. I think I'm going to skip the massage and just go home," I said.

Kova applied a salve to my other calf and began kneading it. "I did not leave the gym early and put this table together for nothing. You will have the massage and then you can leave afterward."

"Uh, okay."

Kova lifted the hem of my shirt until it reached the bottom of my butt. His hands expertly kneaded my inner calf, working their way up the back of my thigh, then down to the arch of my foot, where he pointed and flexed it. With each stroke, his fingers manipulated the tight muscles and worked my injured Achilles tendon to get blood flowing. I gasped a few times. I hadn’t realized I needed this so bad.

"That hurts a little bit," I grunted out.

"Deal with it."

"I don't think I’ll be able to walk after this." Let alone drive. But I'd figure it out.

"You will sleep here."

"I don’t want to."

"It is not up for discussion," Kova stated as if we were done with the conversation, which only angered me. Grabbing his cell phone, he put on music. Hinder played in the background, "Lips of an Angel," a song that I actually loved. In the quiet I listened to the lyrics clearly and understood why he liked it too. It could have been our anthem. Wanting to remain faithful to the one you chose versus yearning for the one you wanted. It was us wrapped up in a heartbreaking ballad.

"You can't make me, you know," I said, blocking out the rest of the lyrics, but he didn't answer. He was lost in the song and using the music to ignore any word that left my lips.

His hands actually felt good on the backs of my thighs and I softened inside. Now this was the kind of massage I could get used to. Much to my surprise, he never breached the professional line, but acted every bit the qualified specialist he was.

Kova stepped out of the room for a few seconds and came back with a white towel.

I was beginning to hate that color.

Our gazes locked as he took another sip from his glass. His green eyes bore into mine over the rim of the crystal, shooting through me with what felt like contempt. I didn't like it.

Putting the tumbler down, he walked over and draped the warm towel over my butt, then tugged the shirt up in a conservative manner so no skin would show. I shifted, knowing where he was going with this, and carefully pulled the shirt off before laying back down.

Before he started, the tips of Kova's fingers grazed the hairs at my neck. He stood right next to me but felt so far away as he gently brushed the loose strands to the side so they fell over my shoulder. He whispered to himself, lost in his own mind, but I heard every word.

"What is it about you that I cannot let go? I am a fool for you, as you are for me. There is nothing I would not do for you."

I closed my eyes, his words sinking through his fingertips to my skin, painting the truth. Lotion on his hands, he started on my shoulders, digging and pushing and pinching every muscle. I was so tender is some spots and Kova's hands were unforgiving. He slid down my spine, his thumbs running over each vertebrae to my lower back. His hands spread out and his fingers slipped under the towel and over my hips and around my pelvis. He repeated the motion so many times I lost track, then he went over my legs again, and then worked on my arms with calculated measure and strict control.

"This feels good," I all but moaned. The next song came on and I felt like it was a message. "I didn't know you liked Bruno Mars."

Kova remained quiet. With each bout of silence, I shut down a little more. I didn't like being ignored. The whole point of agreeing to come to Kova's house was to rid myself of the deafening hush hush and loneliness I received in my condo. He was giving me a dose of my own medicine and it hurt way more than I could have ever imagined. It made me think about how I'd treated him over the past couple of months. I refused to feel guilty for my actions, though, not after how everything went down, but this was a horrible feeling and I decided I was going to change my ways.

I sighed. Maybe he didn't hear me. He did seem to be in the zone.

"Okay. You are finished," he said.

I glanced around. "Do you know where my shirt is?" Kova walked behind the table and bent down. He picked it up and handed it to me, then he reached for his glass and finished the remaining contents. "Thank you," I said.

Sitting up, I covered my chest with my arm and quickly slipped it on, but I didn't need to. Kova had already given me his back.

I climbed off the table, a little wobbly and lightheaded, but I brushed it off. I hadn't eaten anything today and it was already late in the afternoon. My stomach growled embarrassingly loud, but a searing headache erupted behind my right eye and I gasped. Kova spun around and eyed me up and down. I leaned against the table and dug the heel of my palm into my eye socket and rubbed in circles.

"Let us get you food."

"No," I grunted in agony. Fuck! I hated when a headache like this happened. "I'm just gonna grab my keys and go home."

"You will not find them," he said like he was telling me he was going to water his lawn. I glanced up with one eye open. "I hid them."

I blew a heavy breath through my nose. Not this shit again.

"You have to be kidding me. Kova, I am not in the mood for your antics right now," I said, my voice low and lethal. "Give me my damn keys."

"What do you want for food? Borsch. Zharkoye. Stroganoff…"

I grimaced, and yawned. I was tired and just wanted my bed. Putting my hand out, I said, "None. I just want my keys."

"Borsch it is."

Kova walked out of the room and I followed close on his heels as he walked into the kitchen and pulled various containers out of the refrigerator.

"I'm going to look for my keys."

"Good luck. You will not find them," he responded, his voice so pleasant that it pissed me off.

"I'm not a violent person, but I'm ready to knock you out." He ignored me and turned the stove on. "I don't want booshie, or whatever it is. I'm not hungry, and you can't make me eat. You said you can't make me do anything, and yet here you are doing this."

Kova froze. He rested his hands on the marble countertop with his back to me. "I will never make you do anything you do not want, Adrianna."

I threw my hands up, not that he could see. "Oh, really? Then what do you call this?"

He didn't answer me. Aside from feeling absolute emotional devastation, him being angry with me and not telling me why was the second worst experience, and I needed to escape it before I exploded. I felt the heat rising inside me, my heart thawing from icy cool to a fierce burn in a matter of seconds. I squeezed my eyes tight until I saw a glowing light, and shook my head, not understanding what the hell was going on when I decided I'd pull a fast one on him.

Calmly, I said, "Fine." Then I turned around and skimmed over the countertops, looking for his keys. If I couldn't take my car, I'd take his.

A few moments later, something jingled behind me. "I am one step ahead of you. Nice try, though."

That was it. My breathing labored, I panted with fury. Before I could detonate, Kova strode over and stopped right in front of me. I reached behind me and gripped the countertop so hard my knuckles hurt. If he came any closer, I would kick him in the balls.

"When did you have time to steal my keys? Was this planned all along?"

He swallowed, his throat bobbing. "The people who need the most help are the ones who never look like it. I will not make you stay, but you need me right now and you know it. You are far from immature, so do not start acting like it. Go lie down while I cook. If you want to leave after you eat, you can. At least I will know you are stable enough to drive by then. I saw how you came off the table, how your eyes looked, the headache you are hiding from me right now." I ground my teeth. "Whether you like it or not, I see you."

Tears burned my eyes. God, I hated that he was always right. Kova expelled a heavy breath. He lifted a hand and tried to brush back a few strands of hair near my temple but I swatted it away. I was angry and upset at the world.

Pushing away from the counter, my shoulder bumped into his arm but I kept walking. He caught up to me and yanked on my arm, forcing me to turn around.

"What?" I snapped, glaring at him. Kova stared down at me, quiet, penetrating the barrier I’d put up once more and long enough for me to question what he was thinking about. "How do you deal with your temper? How do you remain indifferent like you do? Are you incapable of emotion? Because I'm beginning to think you are."

He shrugged like the answer was obvious. "I drink vodka like all good Russians do."

"Well, I don’t like vodka so I guess I'll just go stew in a mental hospital while I stare at a wall contemplating your demise."

I caught the faintest hint of a smirk, but only because I knew him. "There is the fire I love so much."

I lowered my eyelids and almost growled at him. Yanking my arm away, I marched out of the kitchen toward the guest room we were just in and slammed the door once I was inside, not caring that it was his house or that it shook the frame. My dad would’ve had my ass if I'd done that in his house.

I climbed up on the bed and sat cross-legged, staring at the wall, annoyed when he came in moments later holding out a half-full glass of red wine. I hesitated for a moment before taking it.

I glared up at him and took two huge sips before I said, "First you fuck me like the savage you are, then you feed me Plan B, now you're giving me alcohol. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to corrupt me."

He angled his head to the side, not buying it. "Do not be so dramatic. I was drinking vodka before you were a thought in your father's head. You will live, and hopefully, fucking relax a little."

Right before Kova left the room, he got in the last word.

"If I recall correctly, you asked me to fuck you today, and I said no."

He smiled and shut the door.

I almost crushed the glass in my hand.

Later that night after I'd fallen asleep on a full, warm belly of wine, I woke up in the bed and saw that I was covered by a blanket. I sat up and glanced around, tired and feeling alone. It was three in the morning and the room felt too quiet.

I climbed out of the spare bed, the oversize shirt exposing my bare shoulder as I walked out of the room into his dark house. Assuming Kova was in his bedroom, I went there and found him.

I glanced down. His room was dark, nearly pitch back, but I could make out his outline thanks to the dim light from his closet he had left on. He had one knee cocked up, the other extended, and the comforter draped over his hips. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and I got to look at his insanely sexy body. He was resting on the right side of the bed, leaving the left side empty, as if he were waiting for me. With an arm thrown above his head, his face was nestled into his bicep, free of stress and worry. It was then I noticed his head was resting on the pillow I’d come on earlier. I blinked, a little surprised. He had said he wanted to smell my pussy and see the mark I left. He hadn’t been kidding.

I wasn't angry anymore. Maybe the wine had helped, who knew. What I did know was that I was lonely and wanted him to hold me.

Lifting the comforter, I slid in next to him, pressing my back to his front. He moved toward me almost like it was the most natural thing for him to do, even in sleep. He wrapped an arm around my waist and sidled up to me. I exhaled, settling against his warmth like this was where I was supposed to be.

In the stillness of the night, he softly called my name. "Adrianna?"

I hesitated for a moment. "Yes?"

"Do not ever call me convenient again."

For a moment my mind was jumbled and I flipped through events of the night until my lips parted in realization. My words had hurt him. Well, one word specifically. Convenient. It was the reason why his demeanor had changed so much, why he’d been so cold and ignored anything I’d said. I hadn't actually meant it, but now I felt bad that I’d said it.

"I didn't mean it," I responded quietly. He hugged me tighter and let out a breath down my neck. "I'm sorry."

"How is your headache?” he asked.

"It’s okay now. I think the wine and sleeping helped.”

"Good. Now tell me why you got so angry before.”

"I felt like what you said was true about us making progress and that scared me. If we are making progress, does that mean I forgive you? I don't know what to think other than I don't want to be that girl who gets walked on all over by the guy she likes. That’s why I said you were convenient. Then in the spare room I felt so alone and empty inside. I’ve never felt alone when I was with you before, but you ignored me and shut me out and it hurt me."

Kova squeezed me tight and placed a kiss on my shoulder. "You cannot deny we have made progress, because we have, just not a whole lot. Even I can admit we have a long way to go." He paused. "And as long as I am around, you will never be alone."

Just as I was about to doze off, he said my name again.

"Adrianna?"

"Hmmm?"

"If I ever found out you slept with Hayden, I would kill you both."

I couldn’t fall back to sleep so easily after that.

My nerves were shot. I was stressed about the second training camp, stressed about just being in the doctor's office sitting and doing nothing when I could be training, stressed that I had offended Kova—which is so fucking stupid considering all the things he'd done—stressed about Joy, stressed about Avery… Just. Plain. Fucking. Stressed. Out.

Now I understood why people took up habits like smoking and drinking.

Drinking. Drinking made me think of Kova.

This morning I’d woken wrapped in his warm arms, his chest to my back in the hushed serenity of his room. His body, though usually solid and firm, was the opposite when he slept. He was a giant teddy bear that demanded cuddling and I was perfect for that, because I did too. I didn't want to get up. We’d clung to each other, limbs entwined like we were holding on for dear life. Where he moved, I moved with him. If he wasn't holding me, I was wrapped up in him. We never let go all night. Even in our sleep we needed each other. With him in his bed, I felt an odd sense of peace when I should've felt anything but that.

And when his alarm went off too early for anyone—four o’clock in the morning—we both got up and had coffee together. He brewed a large pot and I just cozied up next to him on the couch, my legs thrown over his and my head nestled in the crook of his arm while he watched the news—Russian news to be exact. News all about his country. Of course I didn't understand a word they said, but that didn't bother me. Being with him like that, something as trivial as watching the morning news, gave me sanctuary and brought a sense of intimacy between us, and that was all that mattered. There was harmony. We were Kova and Adrianna, and nothing more, and I realized how much I wished it was always like that. I knew I was treading a fine line getting caught up in Kova again and I couldn't afford to, but in the moment it felt right.

My phone dinged and I quickly pulled it out of my purse while I waited for the doctor.

Coach: I like the idea of you in my bed while I am not there.

I shouldn't have smiled, but I did.

Me: You’re insane.

Coach: I am, and you make me that way, but everyone needs a little bit of insanity.

"Adrianna." My head snapped up. A nurse stood in the doorway near the receptionist’s desk with a questioning look.

"Yes," I said, and stood.

I followed her down the hallway and around the corner to a patient room. She placed my file on the countertop, then reached into a cabinet and pulled out a specimen cup.

"The bathroom is across the hall," she directed.

Within a few minutes, I was back in the room with a cup of urine. The nurse put on a pair of gloves and took the sample from me. She uncapped it, stuck a paper strip in it for a few seconds, then took the strip out and placed it on a paper towel before removing her gloves. She checked my blood pressure and temperature, then said, "The doctor will be in with you shortly."

The rising anticipation while waiting for the doctor always sucked and filled me with trepidation, leaving me to overthink every negative outcome.

I must've heard the doctor walk past the exam room at least seventy times before she tapped on the door and walked in all bright-eyed and cheery-faced.

"Glad to see you, Adrianna, and at a reasonable time." Dr. DeLang smiled.

"I know, and I'm sorry about that. My schedule is hectic with training," I said apologetically, realizing that's no excuse.

"How have you been feeling since you were last here?"

"Fine, honestly. Nothing new to report, nothing less. I feel the same as I usually feel—tired, sore, drained—but that comes with the territory." I hesitated, then said, "I think I may have reinjured my Achilles at camp, or just tore it a little more, I'm not sure, but it's not that bad. Nothing I can't handle."

"You should definitely have it reevaluated, even if you aren't having any issues, just to be safe."

"I'm okay. I'm being careful."

She walked over and placed her stethoscope to my chest and listened to my heart and lungs for a minute. "Careful can only take you so far," she said when she stepped back. "Considering you're training like a pro athlete, you shouldn't be taking any chances. If you make it past this season without completely snapping your Achilles, I'd say you have a guardian angel watching over you."

I swallowed, and nodded to myself. She was absolutely right. I should have it checked just to be safe, but between all the blading and plasma injections I'd had, I didn't feel it was necessary. The sessions helped tremendously, and I always felt brand new. I figured I was just overworked and worn out from camp.

Dr. DeLang took a moment to look over the urine strip on the paper towel before discarding it and washing her hands. She sat on the stool in front of the counter and flipped my file open. "Let's go over your test results, shall we?" She made a note before continuing. "Your pregnancy hormones came back negative."

"Pregnancy?" Jesus Christ! What the hell? I hadn't had sex in ages.

"It’s standard procedure to check the levels in most menstruating patients, even if the cycles are off."

I stared at the doctor with wide eyes. Pregnancy had never crossed my mind since I took Plan B.

"Tell me about that rash on your face." She flipped a few pages in my chart. "When did it start?"

I brought my fingers to my cheek and grazed over the redness I thought I'd concealed this morning. "I woke up with it actually. I thought maybe I had an allergic reaction to something."

Dr. DeLang ran her finger down the page and frowned. "The last time you were here you mentioned your coach pointed out a rash on your cheeks." She looked up at me. "Is this the first time the redness has reappeared since then?"

I chewed my lip and nodded. Truthfully, I’d thought it was the wine since I didn’t even eat, but I couldn’t tell her that.

She eyed me for a minute before returning her focus to my file. "Your iron level came back low, and your red blood cell count has dropped even more. Your urine tested positive for protein again, only higher this time."

"Is it all the Motrin?" Those little orange pills were my lifesavers, but now I wondered if they had done more bad than good.

"Highly doubtful. You’re running a temperature today, and your blood pressure is elevated."

Huh. I didn't feel like I had a fever. Other than being tired from camp, I felt fine. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"I’d like to run a few more tests." She opened a drawer and pulled out a lab sheet.

I frowned. "More tests? Why? I feel fine." Oh, yeah. My blood pressure was spiking by the second now.

"It could all be attributed to overtraining. But I’d like to check a few things." Her hand skimmed over the paper, marking off boxes. She paused and angled her head to the side, her eyes staring at me above the rim of her black, bold glasses. "Do any diseases run in your family that you might have forgotten about the last time you were here?"

My heart was about to jump out of my chest. "D-diseases. N-n-not that I’m aware of. I don’t know." I shook my head.

She turned back to the form. "I know your schedule is chaotic right now, so we'll kill two birds with one stone and have multiple blood tests done."

Multiple blood tests?

I cleared my throat before responding. "I have a training camp coming up. I'll be out of town for a week."

"Another camp? When is it?" Dr. DeLang looked back at me.

"My last camp. It's two weeks from now."

"We should be fine, but get this blood work done before you leave. If anything pertinent comes up, I'll have my office call you."

I blinked a few times and decided to just be out with it instead of allowing the obvious to hang in the air. "Dr. DeLang, why do you want more blood? You think it’s more than just overtraining, don’t you?"

She looked up at me and sighed, then removed her glasses. "I tested for Rheumatoid Arthritis because of the pain you mentioned in your joints, but your numbers look good there." She looked directly into my eyes as she continued. "But with the high protein, dropping red cell count, low iron, joint pain, fatigue… I’d be remiss if I didn’t run more tests."

"What do you think is causing it?"

"I’m not prepared to give you a diagnosis at this time," she evaded.

I grimaced. I had a feeling she'd say something like that. "But you have something in mind. I have the right to know what you’re testing for."

"Yes, Adrianna, I have a suspicion. But that’s all it is at this point. I don’t want to worry you."

When a doctor tells you they don’t want to worry you, that’s exactly what you’ll do. I scrunched my forehead and angled my brows. I wasn’t going to let up on her. If she wanted more tests, then she’d damn well tell me why.

"Dr. DeLang." I pushed. "Not telling me only worries me more, and considering what I do every day inside the gym, putting me at ease would really help so I don't break my neck from a tumbling pass. Please, what are you testing for?"

She looked at me for a long moment, and I stared right back, not backing down. She sighed, then said, "I’m testing for lupus."

My stomach dropped and I remained silent as she continued.

"The issue with lupus is it can be confused for Rheumatoid Arthritis, but those numbers came back fine. Lupus is great at mimicking other illnesses, and thus can often lead to months and months of testing, trying to narrow it down."

"Lupus?" I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. "You think I have lupus?"

"I have nothing concrete at this point. But that butterfly rash"—she pointed at my face—"coupled with your other symptoms raises a red flag. I’d like to run a few analyses on your organs as well."

"My organs?" Chills rolled down my arms. I didn't know how to react, what to say, what questions to ask. I knew I should've been asking something, anything, but I couldn't think straight. "Which organs?"

She hesitated. "Lungs, heart, kidneys. Sometimes lupus can affect them. I want to rule out everything I can."

My heart fluttered. Lungs, heart, and kidneys? "How? Is this a genetic thing?"

"If it is indeed lupus, typically someone in the family tree would most likely have an autoimmune. But you’ve indicated there is no family history of illness or disease. So this is all circumstantial and inconclusive without further testing, and why I didn’t want to worry you."

I nodded my head, mentally flashing to every family member I could think of and if they were sick—Dad, Xavier, Joy… Joy. My lips parted and I averted my gaze.

"Adrianna?" I blinked a few times. "Is there someone on either your paternal or maternal side that is sick?" She softened her voice.

Looking at the bland ivory wall across from me, I licked my lips nervously, thinking about how I would phrase this.

"I…ah… I just found out my mom isn't my real mom," I admitted out loud for the first time since that awful day. "I don't know who my biological mother is." My voice shook, cracking from the unshed emotion I’d been holding in for months now. I didn't want to look at my doctor. I didn't want to see the pity.

Tears filled my eyes. I blinked a couple of times to hold them in. Dr. DeLang reached behind her and plucked a few tissues from a box and handed them to me. She gave me a gentle and understanding smile that only made me cry even harder.

"I'm sorry," I said, blotting my eyes.

"There's nothing to apologize for."

I sniffled, and she gave me a few minutes to get myself together.

"If this is lupus, if there’s something severely wrong with me…" One thought kept floating through my mind. One fear. One worry. One concern. I didn’t want to know but I had to ask. "What does this mean for my future in gymnastics?"

"Lupus is debilitating and sucks the energy and life force from you. It weakens you, hinders your physical, and sometimes mental, well-being. Most people with an autoimmune can’t do what you do, yet you have been, which makes proper diagnosing a bit more complicated. As I said, this is all speculation until we do more testing."

"But you think it’s lupus," I stated. "Or possibly something worse."

"I prefer facts and data over probabilities." She handed me the lab sheet. "Go to the lab first thing tomorrow. You’ll have to fast again, nothing after midnight."

I looked down at the form. My mind a scattered mess. Nothing made sense and suddenly I was filled with all these worries and fears I couldn't stop myself from thinking about.

"In the meantime," she continued, "I want you to take iron supplements and increase your water intake. You can try an antihistamine to see if it clears up the rash."

I hopped off the exam table and she walked me to the door. "Oh, and please check in with your orthopedic doctor. The littlest tear can lead to the greatest injury."

WITHIN THIRTY MINUTES, I was at home and sitting on my couch reading over everything I needed to know about lupus. My chest tightened with anxiety and I clicked out of the websites I'd been reading online. Every single thing I’d thought was a result of training too hard, was in fact a symptom of lupus. All of it. And the worst part was knowing what lupus could lead to if left untreated.

I sat back and dropped my cell phone on the couch, and let out a deep sigh. The silence was a roar in my ears. I had so many questions swirling around in my head.

Standing up, I walked into the bathroom and flipped the light on. I looked at my reflection and touched my cheek. There was a soft, petal-pink rash. I looked down at the counter and noticed all the stray hairs. There seemed to be more each day, and I wondered how the hell I wasn’t bald by now. I looked back at the mirror and wondered about my real mom. Wondered if I would ever find out the truth about her, and if she was where this autoimmune shit came from.

How could I be sick and not know it? No! I let out a loud huff and shook my head. There was nothing wrong with me. I felt fine, just worn out because I was stubborn and pushed myself too hard.

I turned off the light and returned to the living room for my cell phone. I glanced at the time, seeing that it was still early in the day. I hesitated, torn between wanting to know more and not believing there was anything wrong with me. Either way I needed to talk to my dad. I needed real answers about my birth mom that only he could answer. I knew he had to know something. There was no way my dad, of all people, didn't have some type of information on her.

I looked at the time again and decided to skip practice. I was going to drive back to Palm Beach. My dad couldn’t evade me if I was in his face.

I shot a quick text to Kova before grabbing my purse and keys.

Me: Blood work came back normal. All good here. I'll see you tomorrow.

Coach: Do not think I will not call your father and ask him for the results.

My blood simmered in my chest. He may be my emergency contact, but he wasn’t privy to any results.

Me: I'm not like you, I don't lie. Plus I'm on my way to see him now.

It didn't take long until I was on the highway. My phone chimed and I picked it up from the cup holder to see who it was. Kova. I wasn't one to text and drive so I placed my phone back until I could stop and read it. Another three messages came in, but I ignored them. If he really wanted to talk to me, he could call.

I wasn't sure how I was going to get my blood work done if I planned to be at practice bright and early tomorrow, but I'd figure it out. I guess I could "accidentally" sleep in and Kova would never know I lied. Actually, attending the camp and going to the doctor at the same time was a blessing in disguise. I could ask for one more day to rest, and I had a feeling he'd give it to me.

Driving on a long stretch of the highway for a few hours cleared my mind. Typically I didn't love to drive, but this was freeing and released a lot of the anxiety that caused tension in my neck, something I needed to remember. Especially when it came to Kova.

I pulled into the driveway and immediately looked for Joy's car. My stomach was tossing and turning—it'd been months since I'd seen her—and I wondered how she would react to my presence.

Shifting into park, my gaze traveled over the rows of cars looking for her Jaguar, but it was gone. Maybe she was out shopping or doing her charity stuff she loved more than her family. It wouldn't surprise me. There were a few other cars I'd never seen before, but nothing out of the ordinary.

I pulled my cell phone from the cup holder and stepped out of the car, then walked up to the front door. As soon as I stepped inside, Thomas was there to greet me.

"Miss Rossi," he said excitedly and hugged me. "It's been too long."

I smiled and squeezed him back. He'd been like a father to me and seeing him brought me happiness the same way seeing my dad did.

"I've missed you," I said.

"We were not expecting you or else I would have had your room freshened up. I can do that for you now."

I pulled back and shook my head. "It's not necessary. I won't be staying long, I just wanted to surprise my dad and talk to him."

His white, bushy brows angled just slightly together. He frowned. "Mr. Rossi doesn't know you're here?"

"No, I didn't tell him. Why do you ask?"

He straightened and forced a smile. "No reason at all."

I observed him. "What are you hiding?" I joked a little.

"Nothing at all. Are you hungry? Thirsty? Let me get your favorite coffee for you."

"Ah, diversion." I winked. "It's all good. Is my mom here? I didn't see her car outside."

He swallowed thickly and peered down. "I haven’t seen Mrs. Rossi in quite a few months. I'm not sure where she is, to be honest."

I paled. "A few months," I repeated. "What are you talking about?"

Thomas's eyes widened and he panicked. "Miss Rossi, I thought you knew she wasn't staying here. Forgive me, please. I wasn't aware you didn't know she moved out."

My jaw hit the floor. This day just got better and better. "No, I had no idea. Dad never told me."

Thomas looked terrified. He shifted on his feet, using his hands to speak. "Please, I truly—"

"Don't worry, I won't speak a word of it, and I'll pretend I didn't know. It's not your fault this family is bound by secrets and lies. Dad probably was just trying to protect me and help keep me focused on gymnastics."

He nodded, speechless. His eyes filled with guilt, and I felt bad about it. Wiping the astonishment from my face, I smiled and said, "I'm gonna go see him. I only have so much time before I have to hit the road again."

I turned to walk away, but Thomas stopped me. "Ah, Miss Rossi?" His voice shook. "How about I let him know you're here first? You know, in case he's on a phone call."

The hair on my arms rose. Something was up and I didn't like it. "It's okay, I won't say a word when I walk in if he is. Thanks, though."

"I think it's best if I let him know."

I flattened my lips, not liking the vibe Thomas was putting out. Leaning in, I said firmly, "I've never needed permission to see my father, and I don't now. Thank you, Thomas, but you're excused."

Turning around, I pulled my shoulders back and walked toward my dad's office. My keys jingled in my hand and I wondered why there was a strange air in the house. I hated to treat Thomas like he was hired help when he meant so much more to me than that, but in this case, I had to get my point across.

As I drew closer to the doors, voices carried down the hall that caused me to slow my steps. I recognized my father's immediately, but there was a woman's voice I'd never heard before.

I swallowed thickly and cupped my keys into my hand so they wouldn't make any more noise and I listened harder. I heard my name mentioned, but the voices were still too distant to make out anything else. Eavesdropping always caused false assumptions. Still, I couldn't not try to listen.

Standing in front of Dad’s office door, my heart raced a mile a minute, and I felt that impending doom fill my chest. I was a little nervous to demand anything from him, it wasn't exactly my style, but I needed answers. The voices were clearer now, and as I lifted my hand to knock, I heard someone giggle.

"Dad?" I said cheerily, opening the door.

The giggling halted and my gaze immediately landed on a woman who looked awfully familiar. I studied her for a minute, trying to place where I knew her from. She returned the stare, only she looked shocked to death.

"Adrianna?"

I turned toward my dad, who was standing behind his cherry desk looking just as surprised. I smiled and walked slowly toward him, thinking about who this woman was but wondering where Joy went.

"Hi, Dad."

He rounded the desk and put his arms out. "I'm surprised to see you," he said, his voice tense, and pulled me into a bear hug. My heart softened and I felt at home. "Why didn't you call first?"

"I figured I'd surprise you. There's something I wanted to talk to you about that couldn't wait."

Dad pulled back and looked at me, his eyes traveling the length of my body like he was making sure I was okay. "Whatever you wanted to talk about could've been done on the phone, you know. That's a long day of driving for you."

I shrugged it off. "It was actually a peaceful drive and something I needed to clear my head."

The woman to my right shifted from the corner of my eye and I glanced at her. She was still staring at me. Sunlight filtered through the room from the large window behind Dad’s desk and cast over the petite woman. God, she looked familiar and I wished I could place her. I noticed the color of her hair was a dark brown, but when she tilted her head just slightly and the sun hit it at the right angle, there was a red undertone to it.

The same undertone as mine.

Something in my chest immobilized me and my arms went numb, my fingers tingling with iciness.

Dad cleared his throat and I tried to look at him, but my gaze was locked firmly on her cobalt blue eyes. She had porcelain skin, a small but pointy nose, and I thought I caught sight of sun-kissed freckles sprinkled across the bridge of her nose the same way mine were.

She stood up and instinctively I took a step toward my dad. My knees shook and my heart pounded. She didn't move closer, and she looked scared. She was about a couple of inches taller than me but had the same exact body type as I did.

"Dad? Who is this?" I whispered, blindly reaching for him. My voice actually shook, but somehow, in the pit of my stomach, I already knew the answer.

She looked at my dad then back at me, fear showing on her face. Her gaze told a story, and it was one I had a feeling I wouldn't be prepared for.

"Adrianna?" she said, in the softest, gentlest voice I’d ever heard. She covered her mouth. And somehow, someway, I knew who she was in that moment.

I gasped, air lodged in my throat. My heart raced faster than it ever had. I couldn't deviate my gaze from hers, it was impossible when she looked at me like she'd been waiting her whole life for this moment. Breathing in, my chest rose and fell so fast it was starting to ache.

Her eyes watered and she lifted her arm and reached out like she couldn’t believe I was standing in front of her, then she pulled it back. She clasped her hands in front of her like she was struggling to stand in place. A tear rolled down her cheek.

"Adrianna, sweetie," Dad said with a bit of a wavering voice. He moved to stand to the side so he was in my vision. "This is Sophia."

"Sophia?" I whispered, testing the name out and her eyes flickered. "Sophia?"

It was the strangest thing. It was like Sophia and I were in a daze and it was only us in the room. I could feel her reaching out for me, I could feel her need to be closer, but she was scared and didn't know what she should do. Truthfully, I didn't know what to do myself. In some unexplainable way, I knew in my heart who she was the moment I’d stepped into this office, and I didn't know how to feel about that.

"She's your…" Dad paused, and swallowed. "She is your biological mother."

Another tear rolled down her cheek and something inside me chipped away. I was sad. I suddenly felt bad she'd never gotten to see her child in the flesh for nearly seventeen years, and I put myself in her place. I'd want to run to my daughter, wrap my arms around her and never let her go. But she couldn't do that since I was virtually a stranger, even though I gathered that her heart was crying out to. She probably didn't know what the right thing was to do, or how I would react. I wasn't sure how to react. She was the mother I was supposed to have but instead I grew up with Cruella de Vil, for reasons I still didn't know. But something in my gut told me those reasons were not because she didn't want me, not with how she looked like she'd been looking for me my whole life, like I was the missing piece of her heart she’d finally found.

So I took it upon myself and walked over to her until I was standing just a few inches away. I had to look up, but not by much. I put my hand out to touch her hair, and saw the color was exactly like mine. The resemblance was staggering. When I walked in and felt like she looked familiar, it was because we were practically identical. The only difference was the color of her eyes, but everything down to the heart shape of her face, the way the freckles lightly decorated her creamy skin, her full lips that were trembling, and her wide, downturned eyes, was all me.

This was why Thomas wanted to make my dad aware I was home. He’d known Sophia was in here.

"You look just like my sister," she said in awe. She stared, her eyes unblinking. Sophia's voice broke like she was on the verge of a breakdown. "It's startling." There was a slight accent to her words, but I couldn't place it. "There are so many things I want to say to you, but I don't know where to start."

Something inside me perked up. "I have an aunt?"

Her eyes watered again and this time her jaw trembled. "You had an aunt."

"Oh," was all I could say. My shoulders dropped a little.

"Her name was Francesca. She died a month before you were born."

"Francesca?"

I turned back to Dad for clarification. He walked over to us, nodding.

"This isn't exactly how I envisioned you guys would meet," he said, his voice full of regret. "I'm sorry for this."

I shook my head, baffled. "You didn't know I would be here, and I didn't know she would be either. It was just by chance." And the perfect chance, really, after what I had learned today. Only, I wasn't sure how I would broach the topic now that she was here. Was it acceptable to start digging around about her family history on the first day? Probably not.

I looked back to Sophia. "I'm named after your sister?"

She nodded, but the lingering silence worried me. When she finally spoke, her voice was as soft as a stroke of a feather.

"It's where your middle name comes from. We were extremely close."

"Where does Adrianna come from?"

"Francesca and I picked it together. She loved the name Adrianna Francesca and thought it sounded good with Rossi." Sophia paused. "I can't believe how much you look like her," she said again.

"That's funny because I feel like I look like you."

She covered her mouth and I noted that her hand was shaking. "I've seen pictures of you over the years, but in person…" She shook her head in disbelief and glanced at Dad. "I've watched you do gymnastics for years. Francesca was a gymnast too."

I wasn't sure how she’d seen pictures of me, but that wasn't important right now. Dad stepped closer to her and took her hand in his, helping her sit down. I frowned. It was like they were well-acquainted. In a sense they were, but I didn't expect them to be after all these years.

Just then, Thomas walked in carrying a tray of drinks, thankfully breaking the emotional reunion. Our eyes met and guilt shown in his. I didn't fault him. I just smiled and thanked him silently. He looked relieved.

"I know you said you didn't want your coffee, Miss Rossi, but I thought you could use it."

He handed my dad a crystal tumbler of amber liquid and Sophia a tall glass with fresh mint leaves and slices of cucumber in a clear liquid.

"Is there anything else I can get you?" he asked, almost like he was begging to wait on us. We all declined and he departed the room.

Dad sat near Sophia on the love seat, and I took a spot in the cushioned chair. He crossed his leg over his knee and relaxed casually. I wanted to be angry, I wanted to yell at him and demand answers, like why she was here, why he’d lied to me months ago and told me he had no idea where she was when he clearly did, where she'd been my whole life, but I couldn't find it in me. I wanted to ask why Sophia gave me up, how much money she got for me, and how her family didn't know about me. All things my dad once told me, and yet all of that didn't matter anymore.

"Well, this is weird," I said more to myself, and took a sip of my favorite java.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, sweetheart, but why are you here? Don't you have practice? Does Konstantin know you're here?" Dad said. "It's not usual for you to show up like this, and it has me worried."

I swallowed. He was right. Reacting on my emotions wouldn't get me anywhere, and I needed to think straight and remember why I came. I shot a nervous glance at Sophia, wondering how this would go since it was about her.

Her lips quivered. "I can leave. You probably need to talk your dad privately."

She moved to stand, but I stopped her. "No, stay. It actually kind of involves you."

They looked in my direction, both bewildered. Couldn't say I blamed them.

"Are you sure?" Sophia asked. She glanced at Dad for guidance, but he was just watching me. I nodded and took a big sip of my coffee and decided to just be out with it.

"So I went to the doctor today, and found out some interesting things." My heart suddenly started jackhammering in my chest. I was more nervous than I thought I'd be. Looking at my dad, I said, "I came home to talk to you about my biological mom to hopefully get some explanation. Imagine my shock to find her here after everything you told me."

His face fell. "Adrianna, I know you're probably upset with me over that, but I can explain."

For some unknown reason, him withholding information from me didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. Maybe when I got home tonight it would, but right now, I needed a different explanation.

"It's okay, Dad. I won't lie and say I'm not upset, because I am. I'm pretty hurt by a lot of things, but there are more important things we have to talk about right now."

Deep creases formed between his eyes. "I'm listening."

Exhaling a huge sigh, I looked down at my mug and watched the steam rise into the air. I stared at it as I spoke. "I haven't been feeling well lately. More tired than usual, headaches, my chest hurts. I thought it was because I was training too hard, pushing too hard, too many competitions and not enough rest—"

"Fucking Konstantin." Dad sneered.

I glanced up, eyes hard and defensive. "It's not his fault. He has nothing to do with this. If anything, he's the reason I went to the doctor in the first place," I said quickly. "I'm going to sum this up. The doctor asked me about my family history and I could only give her one side. At first I was fine with that because I figured there was nothing wrong with me except for exhaustion, until she came back and told me she needed to run more labs." I looked up into my dad's fearful eyes. "She believes I have an autoimmune disease, lupus, and she said my markers aren't adding up, they're still too high. Something about my red blood cells being too low and there’s protein in my urine. She's concerned about it affecting my organs." I paused, feeling my emotions rise. "She said lupus can affect my heart, lungs, and kidneys."

Sophia's glass slipped from her hands and shattered to the floor. Liquid spilled everywhere, the ice rolling over the wood floor, the mint leaves stuck on the sharp edges of the jagged pieces. She broke out in hysterical tears and in turn that made me get teary-eyed. I didn't know if it was because of what I’d just said or because she finally got to meet me and the first thing I said was that I'm sick.

"Soph," Dad said with a tenderness I didn't expect from someone he supposedly never spoke to. Dad pulled her into his arms like they were so familiar with each other and she burrowed into him, searching for comfort. He stroked her back, rocking her while she whimpered. I watched them, lost somewhere between confusion and sorrow. It was like they yearned for each other and I while I didn't understand it, I felt it and it made me so sad. Dad glanced up at me, his eyes bloodshot.

"When is your next appointment?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"I get blood drawn tomorrow, then when I get back from camp I'll see her. So three weeks."

Sophia sniffled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry." She cried again.

"Francesca," Dad started gently, "when she passed, it was because she was sick."

Goose bumps trailed down my arms and I looked at Sophia. Her soft cries were killing me. Dread formed in the pit of my stomach.

"Sick with what?"

Sophia looked at me. Her eyes were glossy, drowning in grief. She took a deep breath and looked at my dad. He dipped his chin like he was giving her the courage she needed to speak.

"Francesca had type 1 diabetes, but she also had another autoimmune disease on top of that." Her words shook and I felt myself on the verge of breaking down. "It was a terrible and rare one. Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder. But the diabetes is what ultimately took her life."

My lips parted in sadness. I may have only just met Sophia, but that didn't stop the tears from filling my eyes. I saw that autoimmune earlier on my phone when I was doing research, but I hadn't looked into it.

"How old was she?" I asked, nervous to hear the answer.

Her jaw quivered. "Francesca lived longer than expected," she said. "But her death was rough on me, and I think it's why I fell into such a deep depression after your birth."

"How old?" I asked again, almost afraid to learn the answer.

"Twenty."

"Twenty," I whispered. I wasn't too far from twenty, only a couple of years. Terror filled my veins and I thought back to how Sophia had just said her sister had lived longer than expected. I shifted my gaze. Swallowing thickly, I said, "Dad, you didn't think it would be important for me to know this at some point in my life?"

"I hadn't given it much thought, to be honest."

My jaw dropped, chin quivering. Tears threatened to spill over again, so I glanced up at the ceiling of his office, trying to hold them back. Learning life-altering news for the second time in one day was a lot to take in, especially when it involved death. The anxiety tightening the walls of my chest allowed this damp, dark loneliness to intrude and take up space. I didn't like the way it felt and I wanted it gone as quick as it appeared.

"But autoimmune is hereditary. How could you not—"

"I forgot she had an autoimmune, Adrianna. I just remember the diabetes and how bad it was for her. Have you had your blood sugar checked?"

"Ah, I think so? I know the doctor ran a bunch of tests. If not, when I see her, I'll let her know about the family history."

Family. It was a word I didn't know the meaning to anymore, or who my family even was.

"Are you sick too, Sophia?" I wasn't sure if I was supposed to call her Mom or not. It felt weird just thinking about saying it. Even though she gave birth to me, she was still a stranger.

"No, I'm checked often. I'm perfectly healthy."

"Guess I'm the lucky one," I said.

We spent the next hour or so talking about Sophia's family, where I learned more about Francesca and how close they were. They were twins, actually, which was surprising. I'd once read that when a twin died something inside the surviving twin died too, that there would forever be a piece missing. Like a void. I couldn't fathom that kind of loss and my heart ached for her. She had a few old photos on her cell phone she showed me of when they were young. Sophia had been right—I did look so much like Francesca that I could have been a triplet. It was surreal.

When I left, I gave her a hug and she held on like she was afraid to let go. Her hands shook and she cried. She asked me if she could see me again, and I said yes. Dad stood to the side and watched us. He wasn't smiling or frowning, he just seemed like he was really far away, absent. I almost asked him what he was thinking about but I decided not to. I got the impression his feelings were private and he didn't want to share them.

I wasn't sure when I would see Sophia again based on my upcoming gym schedule, but something inside my heart told me it wouldn't be too long from now. It wasn't easy keeping it together. I felt bad for Sophia and the aunt I would never get to meet. But the truth was, I was terrified even more now for myself and what this could mean. It was like the universe was aligned for once in my life and some higher power knew I needed answers immediately.

The drive home was a blur. I didn't even remember it, and as tired as I was, my anxiety and thoughts kept me up all night. I laid in moments of emotionless silence shoving back the tears. I refused to cry, and I almost called Kova, but I didn't.

I couldn't stop reading about Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder, MCTD, and how it affected the human body, which only led me to read more about lupus. But more importantly, how dangerous MCTD could be. There were so many symptoms of both MCTD and lupus that it almost made them seem identical, and now I wondered if my doctor was on the wrong path. Both could result in kidney failure, complications with lungs, water around the heart, extreme fatigue, rash, fever, joint pain.

The list went on.

Sometimes you have to disappear to be successful, and that's exactly what I did for the next two weeks.

Mentally, of course.

Discovering I might have lupus and the chance meeting of my real mom was a lot to take in. I was filled with so many unanswered questions that kept me awake at night. Still, by some miracle, I stayed focused and driven, but I kept quiet.

The lab work had been quick and I was only an hour late for practice. The nurse hadn't been able to find a good vein and stuck me multiple times. Multiple vials had been drawn, all with different colored tops, some half full, some different sizes, some with whitish-yellow stuff at the bottom. From my vantage point, I'd counted ten glass tubes when it was over.

The first week had been the hardest. It took me a few days to get out of the slump I'd put myself in. I never should've done any internet searches about both illnesses—I’d known it was a bad idea from the start—but I couldn't stop myself. I needed to know more, but the more I read, the more anxious I became. I was insanely emotional and on the verge of tears a lot. After one night with only two hours of sleep, I woke up vomiting because my nerves were shot.

After that, I didn't allow myself to think about anything that could deter my thoughts from gymnastics, like Sophia and Francesca, or that I could be sicker than I thought. I promised myself I wouldn't look anything else up until I saw my doctor again. It wasn't good for my health, plus we didn’t know anything concrete yet. I trained day in day out, tightening up my skills. I drank tons of water and took iron supplements. I ate healthy but light, lighter than usual. I wanted to be prepared for the starvation camp this time rather than going cold turkey, so I trained myself to eat very little.

Each day got easier and I was down to eating roughly eight hundred calories a day. The downfall was that I was in pain everywhere. I almost caved and took a pain pill, but I needed to cut out the Motrin. My ankles were covered in tape and I soaked in Epsom salt every night. I had constant headaches, I was drained past the point of exhaustion, and my back was killing me, but I turned off my feelings and kept my eyes open.

I was on autopilot.

Still, no amount of training could have prepared me mentally and physically for what I was about to endure for the second camp. I knew what to expect this time, yet for some unknown reason, I was blindsided.

Once I arrived back in Texas, I found out four girls hadn't come back. Between the training and injuries they sustained, three were forced to withdraw, and one decided it wasn't for her. I wasn't surprised in the least.

The first day was all about everyone arriving, settling in, and going over the schedules, then we were put on the scale and our bodies were measured. I'd lost six pounds since the last camp. To say the coaches were happy was an understatement. Six pounds on my height and frame was a lot to lose, not to mention they were foaming at the mouth with my training. I was in shambles, but they were happy and that's all that mattered.

Showered and ready to collapse into bed, I pulled out my cell phone and checked my text messages, debating whether I should send Kova an update, when I scrolled past a message from Avery.

BFFFFFF: Please talk to me. I miss you so much. What can I do to fix this? I'm so sorry. : (

Leaning my head back against the headboard, I thought about Avery and how much I missed her snarky personality, her carefree view, her laugh, the way she always called me out. So much time had passed, and my excuse was that my plate was full. It still was, more than ever now, but deep down I knew it was me. I’d shut her out and disappeared to protect myself. Avoiding situations was easier, but I couldn't do it forever.

I typed out a quick reply.

Me: I miss you too. I'm in Texas and can’t text right now but I promise to message you when I get home. XOXO.

Clicking out of my messages, I pulled up my contacts and scrolled to Coach.

I probably didn't need to give him an update, but something inside my bones compelled me to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice. I shouldn't miss Konstantin Kournakova—he wasn't mine to miss—but I missed him so much. I missed that effortless connection we never should've been allowed to have, that easy morning peace we secretly reveled in at his house, the little stares. I finally had to acknowledge to myself that we were making progress.

No matter how hard I tried not to, I still loved that stupid Russian. Once I dropped some of the anger I was holding on to, I started craving him again as fiercely as before.

I rubbed my dry eyes. It was because of him that I let go of the furling resentment, because he wouldn’t have it any other way. With patience, he unknowingly forced me to love him more. He’d learned to respect my boundaries and even tell me no, but still remained the dominant Kova I loved. He’d invaded every part of my life he could. So I wanted to talk to him and tell him of my progress. I wanted him to know our work had paid off again and that we were one step closer to our dream. Because without him, I couldn't have made it to where I was today. Despite my best efforts to shut him out these past few months, Kova and I were a we, and I wanted to make him proud. Truth be told, I don't think we ever stopped being a we.

Exhaling a breath, I called him. Kova picked up after a couple rings. "Adrianna." His accent rolled strong over the R.

"Hi," I said shyly.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine for the most part. I just wanted to talk to you."

"Talk to me, then."

I didn't mistake the smile in his voice.

"The coaches seem pleased with my progress. I don't know… I wanted to share that with you."

"You know I already know, Ria. Tell me why you really wanted to talk to me."

I glanced up at the ceiling, my thoughts a muddled mess. Buried deep inside my heart were burning embers that gave me hope. I coveted them, blowing on them every so often to see if the light was still there for us. Like right now.

"I guess I just wanted to hear your voice." God, how fucking corny.

Kova chuckled, and said, "You mean you miss hearing my contraction-free words?"

I smiled to myself. "I guess I do."

"If you are being honest with me, I will be honest with you." I held my breath, waiting. "I miss walking into the gym every day and seeing your face. It is like a part of the structure is missing and I have to find a way to hold it up until you get back. I do not like it."

I glanced down at the faded comforter, my feelings rising to the surface. "I think I'm being emotional right now and I don't know why." I did know why, but he didn't need to know. "I'm fine, though. In fact, I've been doing really well. At least, I think I have. I feel very confident."

"I have been in close contact with the head coach and am extremely pleased with what they had to say about you and your progress. However, what I am not happy about is how much weight you have apparently lost." I chewed my lip. "You lost more than I expected," he added, and cleared his throat.

"It's not uncommon for a gymnast to lose weight, you know. It's like a rite of passage. If anything, it's preferred, sometimes even a requirement. I wouldn't be so worried."

"That is not healthy. You are going to lose your strength and that will lead to injury."

I contemplated my answer. His tone wasn't malicious, he was just being honest.

"I’ll probably be smaller when I get back." I cupped my hand around the mouthpiece so no one would hear me since I shared a room with three other gymnasts. "They don’t feed us. We're being starved. A slice of bread and a few scraps of deli meat, a handful of nuts. Sucking on lemons. Not to mention, worked to the bone. The working part I don't mind. I can handle that. It's the gnawing hunger that I’m forced to put my body through again that makes me mental."

I wanted to mention I had peed blood earlier, but I didn't. I kept that little tidbit to myself.

"They want us to be fucking sticks." Tears wove through my words.

Kova's voice was low but controlled, and filled with irritation. "They commended me for your weight loss," he said in disgust. "The last thing I want to be known as is someone who treats their gymnasts poorly. And now you sound like you are withering away."

"You're not treating your gymnasts poorly. Why would you think that?"

While Kova demanded more than any other coach I'd worked with, the one thing he always made sure of was that his gymnasts were healthy. Despite all his imperfections and weaknesses, he was a coach who cared. He molded our bodies, knowing how much we could endure without causing actual harm. He expected the best from us because he gave us the best of himself.

I swallowed back the tears blurring my eyes. "All I can say is I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry for bothering you. I just thought you'd be happy to hear about my progress."

Hanging up, I curled up into a ball and silently cried myself to sleep, something I hadn't done in a couple of weeks. I never should have called him.

The next day I woke tired, regretting having called Kova.

My eyes were swollen when I rolled out of bed, and when I looked in the mirror, I had deep purple puffy bags underneath them. I applied under eye makeup hoping to conceal them, but it didn't do much good other than to hide the color. Just as I was ready to walk out of the dorm to the gym, a ping sounded from my phone and stopped me. Brows pinched together, I turned around and limped my way over to my phone.

Coach: Never once have you let me down. I worry about you.

I stood still, breathing deeply as I stared at the text message. I knew I should text him back, but I didn't need this. Not right now. He’d said what I wanted to hear, but just a little too late.

I had two full days of camp left before I'd be heading back home to Florida, which meant I had one last chance to make a lasting impression on the national team coaches until the next competition, where they would be watching.

I could do it. Mind over matter.

And that's exactly what I did. I skipped breakfast—it wasn't much anyway—and got right to work. By lunch, I'd gotten so used to eating very little that I could barely finish the orange I was given. The back of my foot screamed in pain, the migraine caused silver spots to dance in my vision, and my back ached to the point I thought it was going to snap in half. And all the while, the coaches watched like hawks. I'd give anything for a handful of Motrin, but I ignored the pain, telling myself it would be worth it.

By late afternoon, my heart was pounding in rebellion and my hands were shaking. My head, light and dizzy. I felt delirious and in dire need of something, anything. I wasn't sure how much more of walking on a fiery wire I could take before I collapsed to the ground.

As we rotated events to the last one of the day, Coach Elena strode over and ordered me to sit on the floor. The perturbed purse of her lips and disappointment in her eyes worried me. She motioned for my leg with a wave of her hand and I extended it toward her. Stomach tight, I leaned back on my hands as she placed my foot on her thigh to inspect it.

"Stop limping," she commanded, then switched legs to check my other one. After a quick examination, she went back to my bad leg and clucked her tongue at how inflamed my one injured ankle was. It was bad, the worst I'd seen it yet.

"Oh, it's fine. Nothing to worry about," I said.

She paid me no attention. Looking up, she called for one of the assistant coaches and began speaking in what sounded like a mixture of Russian and Polish. I wanted to ask her, but I had a feeling she wouldn't be open to small talk the way Kova was.

"I'm fine, really," I said, but she was waving something over.

Sports tape.

As Coach Elena stretched the tape out, her gaze took note of how inflamed it actually was. She bent a little more, scrutinizing it, and without moving her head, she raised her hard eyes to mine. My stomach clenched in fear. For a small, petite woman, she frightened me.

"Coach Konstantin and I go way back. You understand?"

I nodded slowly, knowing what she was asking without actually saying it. She pinched the back of my ankle and I sucked in a deep breath, almost crying out. She noticed my reaction immediately.

"You limp, you show weakness," she said matter-of-factly, then stretched the tape up my calf muscle and pressed down. I winced and huffed in pain, but she showed no mercy.

"Weakness makes you doubt yourself." She placed another piece of tape down. "It makes me doubt you. Weakness is a choice. Stop limping. Eliminate pain from your world. Block it out. Pretend like it does not exist, or I will be forced to make modifications that will not serve you."

I nodded vehemently, keeping my mouth tight-lipped. She taped my ankle up and motioned for me to stand.

Two hours later and all the gymnasts were showing signs of slowing down. My calf throbbed wickedly, and I worried this week would reverse all the healing progress I'd made. Still, I tightened my ponytail and looked ahead. Even if I was given a choice to take a break or keep going, I would've continued, despite the excruciating pain working itself up my leg. In my gut, I'd never give up.

And then, it started…

"Mistakes. Show me you do not care!" Coach Elena yelled at no one and all of us. "I guess you do not want this."

"Performance takes bravery, you look like scared little kittens! Olympians are scared of nothing!"

She clucked her tongue, looking as us with shame. "You girls are a dime a dozen. A. Dime. A. Dozen."

"Flexed feet show lack of control and sloppiness."

"Smile. Show me you actually believe in what you are doing."

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?" My heart dropped. She wasn't speaking to me, but to another gymnast, and I feared for her. The girl shook her head nervously back and forth. "You are done. Get out!"

"You are not trying hard enough! If you do not complete the pass correctly, and clean, you are gone. I can have you replaced like this," Coach Elena said and snapped her fingers.

One girl over rotated and landed on her ass with a hard bounce, then rolled backwards and crushed her head into the floor. Her head snapped back and I gasped, covering my mouth at the harsh angle. It might have been a spring floor, but it still hurt.

"Get up. Do it again," Elena demanded.

"But my neck hurts," the gymnast said, clutching the back of her head. Her voice squeaked, and I wondered how old she was. She appeared to be much younger than me.

"That is your fault," Elena responded, not giving a single care as she pointed at her. "Now get back there and do it again. And do it right."

The girl shook her head. With that landing, I wouldn't want to tumble again either. "I think something is wrong with my neck," her voice squeaked again.

Coach Elena scowled at her like she wasn't worth the ground she walked on. "You are a disgrace. A mockery of those who would kill to be here. You must not want it bad enough."

The young gymnast boldly perked up. She pulled her shoulders back, pushed her chin up, and delicately walked over to the corner of the floor, the heels of her feet coming close to the white out-of-bounds tape. Much like everyone here, she wanted to prove herself, but there was no mistaking the unease and horror in her eyes as she exhaled a lungful of nervous air.

"This is something you have been doing for years, there should be no reason as to why you are making mistakes," Elena egged on, clapping her hands loudly enough to draw unwanted attention.

There truly were no reasons for her mistake, but shit happens in gymnastics that sometimes we can't control, and reflecting on how horribly we were treated here, I wasn't surprised in the least by her performance. My heart ached for her.

"You are wasting my time. Maybe you should not even be here." Elena reminded me of Kova with her lack of contractions.

All eyes were on this tiny, petite gymnast who could be no more than four-foot-seven and sixty pounds. She rubbed the back of her neck once again, and I silently prayed she didn't do the tumbling pass. I felt so bad. Even though I hardly knew her, I would've traded places with her if I could.

Bringing her rail thin arms down, she wiggled her fingers to shake out her nerves, and took a deep breath. Her eyes were full of fear and apprehension. I held my breath as she leaned forward on her toes for takeoff.

"Now!" Elena slapped her hands together. "Get moving, and you better pray to whatever God you believe in that you do not make any sort of mistake again or there will be hell to pay!"

Humiliation and guilt were the name of the game with a side serving of intimidation. There was a difference between encouraging an athlete with positive criticism, and being a bully. Coach Elena was a flat-out bully. And the worst part of all was that there had been rumors surrounding her means of coaching for many long years but no one could prove anything. What did anyone have to go on? Hearsay? A strict diet? Her facial expression and tone of voice? She’d acquired so many Olympic medals for the United States that no one ever dared question her. Everyone took what she dished out with a tied tongue.

Her methods created champions. It's what they wanted. It's all that mattered.

Balancing on the tips of her toes, the pixie girl hesitated. She shook her head and I released a strangled breath as I watched her step away. Thank God. With rigid shoulders, she walked off the floor and left the gym, not daring to look back as Coach Elena continued with her verbal abuse.

Her time at the camp and, possibly, the national team was through.

I was up next.

I had to perform a forward tumbling pass, which I always dreaded. Elena nodded and I took off—front handspring, front layout, double front twist. The goal was to add a leap at the end of the sequence for bonus points, but midway through my front layout, after punching my feet into the floor, I felt the fire of a thousand flames soar through my ankle up to my calf. Pain exploded inside my leg. I knew I only had milliseconds to decide if I would continue with my actual pass or water it down to play it safe.

I had to be a fool to water it down after what I’d just witnessed.

With my legs together and body as straight as a board, I punched the ground again and soared as high as I could. I brought down one arm and pulled tight, rotating as hard as I could to throw a double full twist.

The searing pain shooting up my leg cost me my breath. I thought I felt a snap, but I wasn't sure. My leg cramped up and bent, and my landing was nowhere near what it needed to be in order to add a leap at the end. Still, I persevered, knowing if I panicked mid-flight it would only make things worse for myself.

Landing, I rebounded high with my chest and shoulders relaxed and added the bonus leap as gracefully as possible. When I finished, I snapped my legs back together and landed lightly, when what I really wanted to do was drop to the floor in a ball from the inflamed heat that stole my breath. All I could do was bite down on the inside of my lip to conceal the pain exploding through my veins. I tasted blood, but it wasn't enough. My stomach with knots from the pain and I thought I was going to be sick.

"Your back has to be arched more through the layout to execute the double full with a straight back. It is more effective for twisting. Do it again," Coach Elena ordered. I nodded, but I didn't mistake the wandering gaze of her keen eyes to my legs. She was looking for the slightest imperfection, but she wasn't going to get it from me. I'd make sure of it, no matter what it cost me.

Her eyes were glued to me. "Now."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

It took everything in me not to limp my way back. My fingers curled into my palms. The agony ricocheting through my body was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before, yet, by the grace of God, I managed to walk like I was striding on water with a straight face and not a care in the world. A quick glance down and everything I suspected told me I was right on the money.

I sighed deeply. On the inside of my foot, below my swollen ankle, a light bruise was forming. A telltale sign of a severely injured Achilles.

With my heels in the corner of the white tape, I took a deep breath and wished for the best. My plan was to land as softly as I possibly could on my toes and apply the weight to my good leg.

Swallowing back my trepidation, I shot her a fleeting look before I raised up on my toes and sprinted across the floor with one goal in mind, to show Coach Elena I had what it took. I might not be needed on beam since I was selected as a bars, floor, and vault specialist, but with gymnastics, anything was possible, so I still had to work my ass off to prove I was equipped to handle anything thrown my way. Most gymnasts typically added difficulty to their earlier tumbling passes to get it out of the way, but mine was at the end, which was incredibly challenging. Hopefully that would speak volumes to Coach Elena.

Focusing, I blocked out the pain and completed the tumbling pass with the bonus leap at the end. The pain shooting through my calf was horrific and I thought I was going to vomit. It took my breath away, but I clenched my stomach muscles and turned toward Coach Elena, making sure there was no emotion on my face.

"Again. We will do it twenty more times if we have to." She paused. "And, Adrianna?"

"Yes?"

She glared at me. Air lodged in my throat. "Remember what I said. Deal with it."

I nodded fervently and got back in line, breathing deeply as I tried not to hone in on the pain. I was on the verge of tears, but being handpicked to participate at this training camp was a huge deal and not something I would forfeit.

Countless passes later, and intense conditioning, I barely made it back to my room in one piece. I didn't limp, but the moment I shut the door, I crumbled on my bed and sobbed. Holding my bruised and severely swollen ankle, I prayed the physical and emotional destruction I was putting myself through would be worth it.

Gymnasts went to camp with hopes and dreams, and left broken and traumatized.

Some beyond repair.

"Is everything okay, Adrianna? You look terrible," Kova said as he walked up to me.

"I just got off the airplane and that's the first thing you say to me? Really?"

I glanced down at what he saw. I wore white Converse sneakers, rolled-up jean shorts, and a loose, black shirt with the words THIS IS MY HANDSTAND SHIRT printed upside down. I didn't think I looked bad. All that was missing was a tan.

He frowned, his shoulders tight and jaw set firm. Glancing into his eyes, I couldn't get a bead on what he was thinking. There was no spark in them like usual. Kova was completely closed off and that raised questions.

"I told you they starve us. You don't listen."

His face scrunched up, but he wasn't being rude. He just looked completely puzzled. "You look…disgustingly thin, and kind of transparent. I almost believe it."

I brushed him off. "There went your attractiveness." He shrugged casually. "I know English isn't your first language, but where's your etiquette? My joints are as stiff as steel, and you have a stick up your ass. I don't need this after the week I just had, that's for sure."

Kova smirked and I felt a flutter in my stomach. "And you ask where my etiquette is?" he teased. "I say it like it is. Are you hungry?"

"Nice to see you too."

"Aside from the skin and bones, I see you are in better shape this time and do not need to be carried out."

"I didn't need it the first time either," I lied, looking into his eyes and fighting a smirk. I had needed it, and I desperately needed it now. I gathered he knew that much but was letting me be independent for once. "That was your barbaric, caveman side coming out."

The back of Kova's knuckles gently grazed my cheekbone, his eyes roaming my face. I stared up at him, catching a swirl of emotion in his eyes. "You have makeup on. You never wear that crap on your face. I do not like it." Lowering his voice, he said, "I like you natural. Wash it off."

Shaking my head, I walked around him toward the exit. He fell in stride next to me and I groaned under my breath. "Who pissed in your vodka?"

Kova looked over at me, the smallest grin tugging the corner of his mouth. "You Americans," he said. "No one touches my vodka."

I turned my head in the other direction so Kova wouldn't see me smile. He was a true Russian and loved his vodka.

We got to his car and I waited for him to unlock the doors. When I tugged on the handle and the door didn't budge, I stood on my toes and moved to look over the hood at him. Kova just stared back at me.

"Something feels off. What are you hiding?" he asked, his green eyes narrowing.

"What are you hiding?" I retorted sarcastically.

"There is something different about you," he stated.

"There is something different about you."

I’d missed a call from my doctor's office yesterday. They'd left a message asking me to come in as soon as possible. It had been on my mind all last night and the entire plane ride home today. Between that and my Achilles, I'd had better days. My calf was like a ball of heated sparks bursting with each step I took and I struggled to hide my limp from him.

I yanked on the door impatiently. "Please, just open the door. I'm tired and I want to go home." I was fighting to keep my eyes open, but he didn't budge. "Come on, Coach." I sighed dramatically and he finally unlocked the doors. Climbing in, I sat down and relished the softness of his leather seats, hiding the suffering pain that consumed my ragged body. I let out a long, drained sigh that made Kova look at me in concern.

"Thank you for picking me up," I said. He just gave me a subtle nod.

Kova pulled out of the parking lot with one hand on the steering wheel and one hand on the gearshift. Something was bothering him, and I could sense he was in a fickle mood. I gathered it didn't have anything to do with me, but every couple of stoplights he would look my way. I could feel the heat of his gaze on my face coming from under his baseball cap, and even though I didn't ask what was on his mind, I went on instinct. Reaching out, I placed my hand over his and he immediately turned his over to lace our fingers together. The tension coming from him dissipated and that made me feel better.

"I know today is your annual Fourth of July barbeque, but would it be okay if I skipped it? I really just want to go home and rest."

Kova flipped his blinker on, then made a right turn. "I decided not to host one this year. I was not in the mood."

"Oh, okay. That makes me feel a little better about missing it then."

He pulled into my condo complex, and I took off my seatbelt when I realized he’d parked his car.

"Come. Let us get you situated."

I closed my eyes, trying not to get all flustered. I had my afternoon all planned out. I'd take a long, scorching shower, eat something, and then binge a TV show on my phone until I fell asleep.

"It's okay. I got it from here, thanks, though. I know what to expect this time."

He blew it off. "It is no issue for me. Come."

"Don't you have a wife to get home to?"

"Katja is out of town with some friends again. I have all the time in the world."

"How convenient," I mumbled under my breath.

"I do not like this side of you."

"What side?" I snapped. I turned toward him, my hand on the door handle.

"This pale face full of makeup and black shit covering your eyes, clown cheeks, vulgar mouth, and rude ungrateful attitude of yours. You never wear makeup, and you never snap for no reason. I can look in your eyes and tell something is wrong."

Sometimes I wished he didn't know me so well.

My raccoon eyes flared as I stared at Kova. "My cheeks have been rosy for days. I figured I was allergic to the detergent used on the bed sheets, so I used blush to try and even out the tone." I gave him a sarcastic look. "Happy?"

He wasn't amused. "Not in the least."

I rolled my eyes and laughed. "For once, I don't care to please you. Thank heavens. Maybe I should run to Sephora and buy out the store so I can paint my face every day."

"Oh, I beg to differ on that one. You still please me very much, I just do not like how you are right now. Something feels off and I want you to talk about it."

"Jesus Christ. You're impossible!" I threw my hands up in mock annoyance. "Has anyone ever told you that?"

One side of his mouth pulled up into a smirk. "A time or two." I hated that I loved that look on him.

"When was the last time you had your period?"

Well, that escalated quickly.

Why did I even like this man again? Shaking my head, I pulled the door handle and stepped out of the car and walked to the driver's side.

I reached for my carry-on, but Kova was quick and pulled my bag out first. Dropping my arm, I glared. "Is there something wrong with you?"

"Not that I am aware of."

"That was a rhetorical question. You're demented and completely out of line. You have no right to ask me that and you know it. I’m beginning to think there's something going on with you but you're just not telling me. And for the record, I had my period like two weeks ago."

He stepped around me and walked toward the entrance. We walked side by side, me fuming with resentment, and Kova as cool as a cucumber. This was just like the time he asked me when my last orgasm was.

"I think we are well past that line you speak of. Has your hair started to fall out yet?"

My brows shot up. I couldn't believe he was asking me these questions. "Why would my hair fall out? What are you getting at?"

"I am extremely concerned with how you look. You are pale, and your cheeks are sunken in. You look like a bag of bones. Your father would be furious with me if he saw you now. Are you starving yourself? Making yourself vomit?"

An angry scoff flew from my lips. He thought I was purposely making myself sick. Many gymnasts had eating disorders, but I wasn't one of them.

"Since when have you ever cared about me in that sense? If I recall, you once told me I sound like an elephant."

We stopped in front of the elevator and Kova glanced at me, his face knotted, hurt. Good. Served him right.

"Just because I do not voice it, does not mean I do not care immensely for you."

Oh, yeah. I was getting good and heated.

"So immensely that you had to go and marry Katja, right?" I was still bitter about that. Obviously. "Are you asking me these questions as a concerned parent, or as an unhappy husband who's looking for a good time but wants to make sure everything is still in working order before he dips his dick into someone he shouldn't?"

He stared flatly at me. "Just answer the questions."

The elevator chimed and we stepped in. "No. I'm not answering them. It's none of your business." The doors closed and I stared at our reflections in the brassy mirror. I watched Kova's lips as he spoke, counting down the minutes until I could crash in my bed.

"Contrary to what you believe, it is my business. I bet your heart beats harder and faster than usual. Headaches?"

"The only headaches I have are the ones you cause," I quipped.

"Shortness of breath?"

"Only because I'm fighting the urge to punch you." Kova hesitated when the elevator opened up. Quietly we walked to my unit. "I'm not in the mood, and I'm really tired. Please, just go home."

"I want you to tell me what is wrong."

If this was his way of beating an admission out of me about the blood work I had done because my dad went behind my back, it wasn't going to work. Once Kova left, I'd have to call Dad to make sure he didn't utter a word.

"Why would you think anything is wrong?"

"Just a feeling."

I hated that he could sense something was off. Now it made me paranoid.

"Well, you're wrong. I'm just tired and want to go to sleep," I said again.

"You would tell me, yes?"

I hesitated, then let out a breath. "Yeah, the same way you tell me everything that’s going on with you."

I unlocked my door and pushed it open without saying another word. As if I could tell him about the voicemail I had received, or the injury I was sure I'd reawakened at camp, or the results of the blood work I was scared to get.

"If you want me to leave, I will. Let me at least make sure you are settled in and then I will go. I remember how you were after the first camp and want to make sure you are taken care of." He dropped my bag to the floor and said, "But do not think for one second that I did not notice your limp."

I swallowed hard, my stomach tensing. I thought I'd done well with hiding it.

"Fine. But I don't know why you're pushing so hard. You were doing so good at respecting my boundaries and now it's like you're ruining everything with your controlling ways."

Kova released a deep sigh. His next set of words nearly broke my heart and I dialed back my attitude.

"I just want you to need me.”

"I just want you to need me."

After he said that, I excused myself to use the bathroom. I was reaching for the toilet handle when I noticed there was blood in the water again. My heart dropped and I froze. I thought the first time was just a freak reaction to the training and stress, but now as I stared at the blood in the bowl, I noticed the color was darker, which told me there was more. I made a quick decision not to tell Kova but knew I would have to address it at my next doctor’s appointment.

I'd taken a long bath in some sort of muscle relaxing salts Kova had brought with him, surrounded by my favorite candles. I soaked until the water turned cold, then I washed my face clean and clear. There was no blood in that water, so I made a mental note that it only seemed to happen when I peed. I wasn't really a makeup kind of girl, so it was no sweat off my back to remove it for him. I always felt like I had layers upon layers of paint clogging my pores and making me oily when I wore it anyway. I'd only worn it to hide what I was feeling, which turned out to be a total waste.

"You hardly have any food in this house," Kova said, seemingly frustrated once I emerged from the bathroom.

White clouds of steam filtered around me as I glanced toward where he was standing in my kitchen.

"I'm never home, and everything goes bad."

"You are home every night and morning. What do you eat?"

I shrugged. "Protein bars, coffee… Sometimes I pick something up on the way home. I usually have fruit and vegetables but I didn't buy them since I wasn't going to be here."

Kova stared at me for a long moment, and I realized I’d probably confirmed his suspicion about bulimia earlier.

"I'll go shopping tomorrow."

Grabbing his cell phone, he swiped the screen with his thumb and said, "What do you want to eat? I will order whatever you want."

I studied Kova and focused on the fact his simple question made my heart race. I didn't want to worry him, and I wasn't all that hungry, so I decided to take a different approach.

While I originally didn't want him here, I was secretly happy he’d pushed his way in and I felt I should show him that. I was a mess of contradictions as always when it came to Kova, but he was just as bad as me. He knew he should just go home, yet here he was. We were drawn to each other in the most inexplicable way. Our chemistry was so powerful that our bodies ached to be with each other. We fought our feelings only to fall deeper with each passing breath. We made no sense at all yet we made perfect sense to each other, because there was no such thing as immoral or wrong when you were with the right person.

I walked up to Kova, took his cell phone out of his hand and placed it on the counter, then I wrapped my arms around his back and hugged him. Stepping closer until our bodies were flush together, I laid my head upon his chest. He stood still, probably surprised because it took him a moment to return the hug.

"What are you doing?" he asked quietly.

"Just hugging you."

"I know. But why? You never just hug me."

I laughed as he tightened his arms around me. The warmth of his body made me sigh. I could feel his heart beating and how it sped up the longer I held on to him.

"Unless we're alone, I've never really had the opportunity to hug you when I wanted to." Kova stayed silent. I figured I’d caught him off guard with my answer. I nestled my face into his chest. "Thank you."

"For what?" he responded, his voice hoarse.

I looked up, my chin resting on his firm chest. I answered honestly, my voice soft. "For always taking care of me and being there, even when I don't want you to be. I know it might seem like I'm ungrateful, but I'm not. I've just been really hurt the last couple of months and I'm trying to deal with it and work through my emotions. I really do appreciate everything you do to help me. I’m lucky to have a coach like you."

There was a flash of emotion in Kova's eyes. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I would do anything for you, Adrianna. I hope you know that." He clenched his eyes shut like he couldn't believe it himself. "Anything."

I swallowed hard, nodding, as we stared into each other's eyes for a long moment. I believed him.

Even though it hurt the back of my calf, I applied pressure to my good leg and elevated on the tips of my toes to reach him. I brought one hand to the front of his chest as the other skimmed up the back of his neck. I slipped his hat around so the brim was facing backward. My heart raced as he loosened his hug and his hands roamed down my back to softly cup my hips. I drew in a little gasp, fighting how much I loved being in his arms and appreciating how hard he was trying to be good. I wanted to give him a little kiss, but I couldn't reach him. Even on my toes he still had quite a few inches on me.

But he knew what to do. Kova always knew what I wanted. Slowly and hesitantly, I pressed my chest to his and he leaned his head down to close the distance, giving me his lips. I didn't kiss him with tongue, though, I kissed him with my heart and let him feel my emotion, my lips sealed together. I kissed him softly.

I pulled back and kissed him the same way again, our tongues never touching but our lips separating a little. My mouth pressed harder into his and I felt a sizzle of electricity through my body. Kova's hands slid over my butt and just when I thought he was going to stop, his hands slid to the backs of my bare thighs. All I wore was a thin, jersey knit spaghetti strap pajama dress. Sometimes I liked to let my body breathe after all the hours I spent in a leotard, especially after the week I'd had with Coach Elena.

Wide hands spread out, his fingers all over me, Kova slipped his hands beneath my dress, but I pulled back. I didn't want him to know I wasn't wearing panties, or to get the wrong idea. I’d only wanted to show him I appreciated him with a little kiss.

I stared at his mouth, my index finger running over his full lips that I loved so much. Kova dropped a light kiss to my forehead, then stepped back. I took note of his facial expression. His green eyes were soft, and the warmth in his touch settled the rattling in my bones.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Kova glanced away and ran a hand over his stubbled jaw. "No one has ever just hugged me like that."

My forehead bunched together. That couldn't be. He'd been with Katja for a long time. I was sure she had.

"Really? Not even your wife? She doesn't hug you just to hug you?"

"No."

"What about a kiss?"

"Not like that. Very rarely, and it is usually me who has to initiate it."

I stared at him for a bit.

"So," he said, "how about dinner…"

I sighed dramatically and rolled my eyes, a smile pulling at my lips. "I'm not that hungry."

"I have listened to your stomach growl nonstop since you got into my car."

I frowned and rubbed my belly. I'd gotten so used to disregarding my gnawing hunger that I hadn't noticed until he said something.

"Fine. I'm hungry, I just can't eat yet. My stomach is too upset. When I feel like this after a hard practice I drink bone broth."

His face screwed up. "Bone broth," he repeated. "You are kidding me."

I chuckled. "No. It really helps settle my stomach, and it's actually good for you."

Turning around, I walked into my kitchen and bent down to open one of the cabinets. I had twelve cartons of organic chicken bone broth. I looked at Kova.

"There is something wrong with you," he said, but in a way that made me bust out laughing.

"I can drink a whole carton."

Kova's mouth was lost somewhere between a frown and disgust, and I giggled.

"Please tell me you at least drink it hot."

I nodded, still smiling like a fool for some reason. "I heat it on the stove then sip it." I reached down and grabbed a box. "Would you like some?" He didn't answer, his face was still scrunched up. "Oh my God. You're a thirty-two-year-old man acting like a child. I didn't offer you frog legs and turtle soup. Just try it for me, please. If you eat mine, I'll eat yours. Whatever you want."

"Deal," he quickly responded.

Oh my God! Eyes wide, I slapped a hand over my mouth, realizing what I’d said and laughing in shocked surprise.

"That's not what I meant!" I yelled playfully. I really needed to think before I spoke.

He held up one finger, his eyes filling with vigor and life. It made me smile to see him like this. "Ah. And correction. I am thirty-three."

I pulled back. "Wait. Thirty-three? When was your birthday?"

He hesitated for a moment. "It is actually today."

"Today?" I responded, my voice a little high-pitched.

He nodded, his newly energetic eyes still focused on me as he shrugged like he couldn't care less that he was turning another year older. I should've known, but more importantly, Katja shouldn’t have been away on vacation on her husband's birthday.

"I didn't know it was your birthday. I'm sorry. Happy Birthday, Kova."

He brushed it off. "Are you going to tell me what is wrong now since you know it is my birthday?" he pushed again, a brow raised in what I knew was hopefulness.

I pulled a pot out from underneath the counter and turned on the stove. "Honestly, there's nothing wrong with me other than the fact I'm grossly exhausted. I could probably sleep for the next two days."

He angled his head to the side, his eyes teasing and not malicious in the least. "Lies. I can always tell when you are lying."

I looked at him after I emptied the liquid into the pot, hoping my blush had disappeared. "Are you just going to repeatedly ask the same question until you get what you want?"

"Adrianna, I always get what I want."

A nervous chuckle rolled off my lips. The way he said my name, the roll of the R sent a shiver down my spine.

"Spoken like a true child. All you need is a foot stomp now to complete it."

He barked out a laugh, and I found myself smiling along with him. Kova didn't laugh very often, but when he did, I loved the sound and how it made my stomach flutter and tighten.

"I got my way. You washed that shit off your face, did you not?"

I looked over my shoulder as I stirred the pot. "I don't really like makeup, to be honest. I'm in the gym all day, every day sweating. It makes no sense to wear it."

"I am glad. I do not like it, and you do not need it. Contrary to what you believe, Adrianna, I do not prefer women to be perfect. I already have a Russian doll. I do not need, or want, another one. Please do not wear it again."

I flinched at the scowl in his tone. My stomach clenched. He was comparing me to his wife.

"I am sorry. I did not mean to bring her up."

"You're forgiven." I knew he hadn’t meant anything by it.

Setting the spoon on the counter, I turned around and eyed Kova. "Why is Katja not here on your birthday? She should be here to celebrate with you."

I couldn’t believe I was nonchalantly bringing up Katja. I never did. But I was exhausted and just too tired to fight, and truthfully, I felt bad for him.

Kova shrugged it off and his smile vanished. "It is just another day to me and not a big deal, Adrianna. One of her girlfriends is opening a new high-end boutique, so she flew to be with her at the grand opening."

"Who says boutique these days?"

"Is that not what they are called?"

I shrugged. "I guess. It just sounds funny coming from your Russian lips."

"Who says Russian lips?" he quickly countered, and I grinned at him.

I liked this, just being carefree and playful with Kova. Before things got complicated and heartbreak got in the way.

This was the reason his demeanor changed earlier when he picked me up. It's why he was standoffish, and why he was annoyed. It all made sense now. I couldn't blame him. I’d spent many birthdays alone and it was so depressing, no matter how hard I tried to pretend it wasn't.

"Couldn't she have said no and not gone?"

It disturbed me Katja skipped out on his birthday.

"Just drop it. I really do not care. It is just another day."

"No, I can't. You're her husband. You're more important than a dumb clothing store. It's too bad she can't see that."

Everyone should look forward to their one big day a year that was dedicated to them. My parents had never cared much about my birthday and it always saddened me. Avery would bring me a small cake and we'd eat the entire thing together.

Last year, I’d spent it in my condo by myself with a cupcake Thomas had bought me.

A birthday alone was a miserable one, and I didn't want that for Kova. He may be an asshole, but I’d learned it was all a façade. Underneath his tough exterior, it bothered him to be alone, even though he was trying to act blasé about it. It's why he wanted me to want him. I knew it was. He had a huge, tender heart he hid from the world.

"You know, if you don't have anything to do, I was going to sit out on my patio and catch some fireworks. You can stay and watch with me, if you want?" I suggested softly.

"Are you finally going to tell me what is on your mind?" he asked, threading his fingers through mine. I watched as he brought our joined hands to his mouth and pressed his lips to them. I swallowed, my heart leaping into my tight throat. Our hands stayed pressed to his lips, as if he was breathing us in and savoring the moment.

"As you can see, Kova, I actually love to eat. I was just worked to the bone and starved most of the time."

He eyed me. "I believe you."

"Do you?" I questioned, and he nodded.

I ended up drinking half the container of bone broth and Kova had the other half while admitting that he liked it. Then he ordered us dinner from a Mexican restaurant because he said we couldn’t survive on a liquid diet and that I deserved to cheat and splurge after the week I had. And I did. I ate everything, surprising myself and Kova. I wasn't even sure what I ate. It had looked super unhealthy, but tasted and smelled amazing. I devoured the gooey, cheesy, meat-filled rolled tortillas with red rice and beans on the side. Apparently Mexican food was one of Kova’s favorites. I never would have guessed.

Now we were sitting on the couch and my stomach coiled with emotions that defied each other. I glanced out the sliding glass door. The sun had dropped long ago and I could hear fireworks booming in the distance. I knew why I felt this way. I had two problematic concerns I thought about day in and day out.

One issue was that I liked how well we worked together, how, in this moment, we both just went with the flow like it was the most normal thing in the world for us. In my heart it felt right, and I knew he felt the same way. It reminded me of the day we’d spent at his house when Katja was away.

Letting my guard down and allowing trust to slither its way back in was my other issue, and what I feared the most. Simple moments like this made that happen. The trust thing was always at the front and center of my mind every damn day. If I welcomed him back in after everything, it would mean I was weak-minded. Yet holding up this wall I’d built took a lot more out of me than I wanted to admit.

Pulling my hand away, I moved so I was lying down and placed my feet in his lap. He leaned back and rested one arm along the back of the couch, the other grabbing onto my toes.

"There's nothing on my mind. I'm just worn out."

Kova gazed down at me, his emerald green eyes taking me in. The intensity of his gaze made me blush but I didn't look away. He looked too at peace for me to do that and something in my chest told me he needed this more than I did. Kova was a lot of things, but needy wasn't one of them. So the fact that I could feel his need told me I should let my wall down just a little and be there for him the same way he had been there for me.

"You have so much riding on this summer I want to make sure I have done everything in my power to help get you where you need to be."

"Thank you," I said.

Kova began to massage my feet. I sighed at the feel of his fingers pressing into my sore heels and sank deeper into the couch. "You're going to put me to sleep if you keep that up." I smiled lazily up at him, my eyes heavy and body laden with fatigue.

"So go to sleep."

"Will you stay?" I asked, but there was no way I could fall asleep.

"I will do whatever you want."

I felt the weight of his words and knew he meant what he said.

As his fingers moved to the arch of my foot, I drew in a silent breath and waited, praying to God he wouldn't touch the back of my ankle…but he did. I hissed, my back bowing as tears stung my eyes.

"Oh God," I gushed, unable to hold it back. I saw stars.

"Adrianna." His voice held a note of worry and panic.

"It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay," I said, sitting up and reaching for my foot. The pain hadn't been so terrible since I got home, but this was also the first time I’d really taken a break to sit down, which meant I’d allowed it to tighten up again.

"Let me get you some ice," Kova said, and jumped from the couch. Within seconds he was back with a towel and a bag of ice to examine my foot. "I am terribly sorry, Adrianna. I saw how swollen it was, I just did not know the pain went that deep."

"It's okay. You didn't know, and to be honest, I was feeling fine and forgot about it."

"This happened at camp," he stated.

I nodded. "Yeah. I think I landed wrong on a tumbling pass, but it could've just been a combination of everything. I think Coach Elena caught on, but I couldn't stop to sit out, or ice it, or even tell her. One look in her eyes said all I needed to know. I couldn't do anything other than take orders, which is what I did. And before you go saying we always have a choice, you have to know I didn't."

I added a little more hardened emotion to my last sentence than I intended. We'd both used that everyone has a choice bullshit on each other before, but with each passing day it became clearer and clearer that not every option presented in life came with a choice. It's either you do, or you don't. That's it.

"I understand," was all he said.

"Do you? Really?"

He nodded, and that relieved me so much. "I do. You are too close to the finish line to complain now. You give everything you have to prove you want it, or you give nothing at all because anything less is not worth it. Sometimes that means breaking a little inside and sucking up whatever sanity is left and doing it with a smile. Sometimes that means loading up on painkillers and sports tape or extreme therapy to recover quicker so you are ready for the next day. Do I think it is a good idea to proceed? No. But I get it. Had you not made it to camp, and you were not upgrading your skills, or you plateaued in your training, we would be having a different conversation right now. But it is too close to the end and you do not have that option right now." He paused, still pinching around on my ankle. "But I knew… I knew something was off when you got off the plane. I could feel it. You did not want to tell me, did you?"

I glanced away, my heart thumping wildly against my ribs with the unknown. "No, I didn't. I figured you'd force me to take a day of rest. I honestly never planned to tell you."

He eyed me, all too knowing, and it made me paranoid. "Is there anything else you want to tell me? Now is your chance."

"No. I'll make an appointment with the doctor." Perfect opportunity to get my results too.

"Oh, you are without a doubt going to the doctor. I may be a gift from God, but even I need to know what I am working with here."

A chuckle rolled off my lips. Picking up a decorative pillow, I flung it at Kova. He smiled as he dodged it. I’d thought he would activate dick mode and go off on me, but he hadn't.

"You probably have some little tears in there, but I do not think you severed your Achilles completely or you would not be able to walk and you would definitely be screaming in pain. You would not have been able to finish camp, that is for sure." Kova looked at me, his eyes piercing mine. "You were scared to tell me."

I nodded, chewing my bottom lip. I averted my gaze to the carpet. "I have too much to lose. I didn't want to chance it."

Kova began wrapping up my ankle with the ice and the towel. "Ya tak ponimayu, chto chuystyuyu sebya slishkom," he mumbled in Russian under his breath.

"What did you say?"

He shook his head and looked at my foot. "I understand that feeling all too well." Kova glanced away and leaned back, then rubbed his square jaw. He took off his hat, shook it out, and put it back on. He was anxious. I could feel it in his touch when he gently picked up my foot and placed it in his lap.

He repeated what he’d said in Russian, then looked straight into my eyes. My heart fluttered. I had a feeling I knew where this was going.

"Just that I know that feeling of being scared and having too much to lose. I understand you. Proklyatyy, yesli vy sdelayete, proklyatyy, yesli vy etogo ne sdelayete. Damned if you do, damned if you do not. What the heart wants does not matter, it all causes pain in the end. You are fucked either way, Adrianna, so you try to make the best decision you can knowing that neither choice was the one you wanted." He paused, and tilted his head to the side. "Do you have any Russian in you?"

"Not that I'm aware of. Why?"

"Because Russian women go hand in hand with love and pain."

There was so much more going on between the lines than just my Achilles that all I could do was stare back into his pensive eyes and agree. I knew he was trying to tell me more. I'd yet to give him the opportunity to explain himself, but that was because I felt like he’d made his choice and that was that. He could have spoken to me before he did anything, but he chose not to.

But now I wasn't so sure if the choice he'd made was the choice he’d wanted, or one he had been forced to make. I felt the same way with Coach Elena. I knew it was almost time for me to finally be ready to hear what he had to say. I could feel the door opening, and my biggest worry now was that I'd made the wrong choice and kept it closed for so long, sitting alone in the dark.

After my ankle was wrapped up in ice, we sat quietly on my couch for close to an hour. Kova used an app on his phone to watch the Russian news, and I debated whether I should call Avery like I’d told her I would. Knowing I'd need more time, I just scrolled through various social media apps and caught up on her life, along with my brother's and my dad’s.

If Avery wasn't smiling in her photos, she was giving her best duck face I always made fun of. She had the most compelling, crystal-blue eyes that burst with energy. In one photo, she had a high, perfectly placed and super cute ponytail, Aviator sunglasses that actually fit her small face, frayed jean shorts that revealed supermodel legs, and a plain white shirt tied at the side. She was standing on the beach with two girls holding ice cream cones. It was one of those moving images. Waves reversed in the background as the girls moved their heads to the side while laughing and licking the ice cream. She looked happy, and I smiled, missing her, but my smile vanished and my brows bunched together when I viewed the next couple of photos.

Avery looked so far away, her gaze distant, and so damn sad that I actually felt bad for her. Her eyes were lifeless. No sparkle. No joy. Her vivacious personality was gone and that upset me. There was no sass and life surrounding her anymore.

That wasn't Avery. She needed me and I'd blown her off. I regretted my actions big time now.

The sound of fireworks going off in the distance caught my attention again. I sat up and looked through the sliding glass door.

"Okay. My toes are frozen solid and I can't feel a thing. Let's get this ice off my leg. I heard fireworks and I want to go outside to see if I can see them," I said, full of excitement. Kova laughed and sat up to unwrap my leg. Just as I was about to put my phone down, a new photo of Avery posted. I quickly viewed and read the caption.

When in doubt, add more sparkles.

I smiled, my heart a little lighter for her. It was another one of those moving images, only it was just a sparkler that flickered against the moonlight. Another hand slid in from the side holding a second sparkler. It tapped the top of hers.

I could tell instantly by the tattoo on the wrist that it was my brother’s hand.

Looking at Kova’s open palm, I said, "It's okay. I got it."

He ignored me and kept his hand out, waving his fingers, silently telling me to take his hand. "I know you do, but I want to help."

Being stuck in one position too long had wreaked havoc on my body after the training I’d endured. I didn't want his help—I wanted to be strong enough to do it on my own—but I was going to need it to stand up and possibly take a step or two to loosen up, especially because of my foot.

"Sometimes you can be a gentleman," I said, leaning on him.

"Chivalry is not yet dead."

A laughed erupted from me. "You would say that."

We stepped outside onto my patio and Kova glanced around. "I had no idea how big your terrace was."

"Oh, you know my dad. He spares no expense when it comes to building."

Kova was still surprised. "You could live out here." I followed his gaze. There was a double lounge on one side of the deck, and a bistro set on the other side. And at the far end where it wrapped around to my room was a swinging chair.

I chuckled. "That would require me to be home more often."

"Where do you want to sit?"

I looked around. "Can we just lay on that lounge? I'm a little tired and I think it would be fun to watch the fireworks like that. Kind of like underneath the stars. My dad texted me earlier and said I should be able to catch a good show from here." The lounge was the size of a full bed and had plenty of room for both of us.

"You spoke with your father?" Kova asked.

Once we laid back, I folded my hands over my stomach and looked up to the night sky, listening to the sounds of fireworks in the distance.

"I did…kind of. He texted to see how I was before I boarded the plane in Texas and asked me if I had plans tonight—oh, look!" I pointed excitedly, cutting off my train of thought. "There's one! And another!" Kova watched with me as the show began. "I told him I was just going to go home and crash. That's when he said the downtown area puts on a good show and if I wanted to catch it from home I should be able to see it. I didn't think I would because of the marina being so close, but I guess I was wrong. Dad said permits are granted to shoot fireworks off from barges on the water. Sounds dangerous, if you ask me."

I glanced around at the adjoining condos and the balconies filled with people drinking and laughing. Different genres of music wove together and it sounded like a nightclub. I thought about how I was here with Kova and what my dad would think. Scratch that. I knew what he would think. He'd murder Kova and then enroll me in an all-girl Catholic boarding school.

My forehead creased together and I lost myself to my thoughts and all the lies that had been told over the year. Joy claimed she knew about me and Kova, but she had no proof, because if she had any, she'd have told Dad by now. I had a feeling if she did tell my dad anything he wouldn't believe her after the way she treated me over Easter.

That being said, I shivered at the thought of the truth being revealed to anyone.

"Are you cold?" Kova asked.

"No, I was just thinking about what would happen if my dad found out about us. Even if I was legal, I don't think he would ever take the news lightly." I paused, and looked at him. "Do you ever feel guilty? My dad is your friend. Katja is your wife. We're hurting and lying to both of them."

Kova glanced away and stared into the night sky, watching the fireworks. He was bothered, but I think because of the guilt and lies he’d dished out.

"One thing my mother told me before she took her last breath was to never feel guilty for the things that make me happy. She said, 'Kova, I want you to live like it is your last day, because you will never get tomorrow back and the future is all you have.' I was holding her hand when she said that. She was frail and her skin was gray. The world is cruel, life is so short, and if two people out of seven billion in the world can find solace, no matter if it is right or wrong, then there is no reason to ever feel guilty. My mother always put my happiness before hers. She lived a lonely life so I could live a full one. She never married, never fell in love, never went out with girlfriends, never went on holiday, then she got sick. She did not want that for me. I made a promise to her that I would live for the both of us, and I am." Kova turned toward me. "So, no, Adrianna, I do not feel guilty for my actions, I know what I am doing. I made my choices. While they may not make sense to other people, I cannot worry about that. No one is truly selfless, and I cannot be responsible for everyone's happiness when no one cares about mine. I have tried that with Katja and look where it has gotten me. I am trapped in a loveless marriage I cannot fight my way out of. Do I love her? Sure. But I am not in love with her. I love her like a friend and it will never be any more than that." He paused to take a breath. "Do you feel guilty?"

I stared at him, unblinking, trying to contemplate an answer. I was momentarily rendered speechless. Kova was stuck in a loveless marriage and from what it sounded like, he was very much alone. I studied his gaze. His eyes never wavered from mine. There was no flicker of hidden emotion, no hesitation. He didn't lie. In fact, he was open and exposed. I could taste the honesty in his words and see that he was telling me the truth.

I licked my lips and his gaze followed the motion. "I only feel guilty because my dad is friends with you. He put his trust in me to be responsible while I'm here alone, and in you to watch over me and protect me. I can't imagine hearing his friend was having sex with his daughter behind his back would ever be seen as anything but deceitful." I hesitated, then said, "It would be really bad if he ever found out. The thought terrifies me. As for Katja, I honestly don't feel any sort of way. Every person, regardless if they're married or not, is fair game. A relationship can't be threatened if there isn't a bond to be broken. It's that simple. The connection has to be strong enough that nothing could sever it. Would I hate to be in Katja shoes? Yes, but I will never allow myself or my relationship to be in jeopardy, because I would make sure my partner knew my shoes were one of a kind and no one could compare." My voice dropped. "I should feel bad, but the truth is, I don't. Does that make me a bad person?" I sure thought it did.

One side of Kova's mouth pulled to the side. "I think you are asking the wrong person that question."

We chuckled and I rested my head back, thinking about how much had changed in the course of a year.

"I wish you were always like this."

"Like what?" he asked.

"No-holds-barred and completely yourself."

"Believe me, Adrianna, I do try." He was pensive and I believed he wasn't lying.

"So if today is your birthday, and last year you hosted a barbeque on the same day, why didn't you have a cake? Why didn't Katja make one for you? We could have all sang to you."

"The truth? She forgot it was my birthday."

My heart plummeted like a stone. She was grinding my gears and I was starting to really not like her.

"Is that what you guys were fighting about in your kitchen?" Kova turned toward me with confusion in his eyes. He brought one arm to fold behind his head, his bicep flexing in the moonlight. He stared straight ahead like he was thinking back to last year. "I remember you guys whispering in Russian, it looked like you guys were arguing, and you threw something into the sink."

"I do not recall what the exact argument was about, but it would not have been about my birthday. That I can assure you. I was never big on celebrating it to begin with. I do not like to do anything extravagant."

"Singing 'Happy Birthday' is not extravagant. I can't believe she forgot last year, and now this year she isn't here. You'd think she'd stay in town because of that. I'm so sorry."

"It is no big deal."

He brushed it off, but I still felt bad. My mind flipped through what was in my cabinets and if I had anything I could give him. I never kept cookies or candy in my house for obvious reasons, but then I remembered I'd purchased a four-pack of big, double chocolate organic brownies and stuffed them in the back of my freezer for a rainy day. I hadn't even had one yet.

I had an idea. Sitting up, I said, "I'll be right back," then I limped inside my condo and went straight for the kitchen. I took out one of the frozen brownies and placed it on a plate, then popped it into the microwave. While it heated up, I grabbed a tea light candle since I didn't have actual birthday candles, and hobbled to get the lighter from my bathroom. The microwave beeped just as I got back. Gently, I pushed the tea light into the center of the brownie and lit it. Cupping my hand around the flame, I walked slowly back to the patio so the flame wouldn't burn out.

Kova's head turned at the sound of the sliding glass door. His gaze dropped to my hands and his entire face lit up as if it were Christmas morning. All I had to offer was a brownie and that was enough for him, and I loved that so much. Walking over, I carefully sat down next to him, making sure not to jostle my ankle. A gust of salty air flowed around us, and a few strands of my auburn hair gently whipped around my face. Kova brushed the loose hair behind my ear and I thanked him.

"Now, I'm not going to sing you 'Happy Birthday' because I'll make your ears bleed, but… Happy Birthday, Kova," I said softly as another flash of fireworks lit up over the ocean. I handed him the plate and Kova stared down at the brownie. "It was the only candle I could find that would work." When he didn't reply, and his brows drew closer together, I said, "Make a wish and make it a good one." Kova leaned in. Just as he was about to blow out the candle, he looked at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

He shook his head. The sadness in his eyes stung caused an ache in my chest. "Nothing," he said under his breath. "Thank you, Adrianna, for this." He waited a beat longer, then, with his eyes still glued to mine, he leaned in and blew out the candle.

"Do you want to know what I wished for?" he asked, still looking at me.

I laughed, a wide smile across my face. Taking the plate, I said, "No, Kova. You can't tell me! Then it won't come true." I carefully picked the candle out so I didn't spill the wax and placed it on the small table next to us. I handed him the plate back and the grin he gave me was felt down to my bones.

"Do you believe in that? That if you share your wish it will not come true?"

I shrugged, the thin strap of my dress falling off my shoulder. Goose bumps trailed down my arms.

"We all need something to believe in. I know it sounds a little naïve, but what's the point of making a wish of hope on your birthday? A wish is a secret, a dream, a goal. It’s something we desperately want to happen more than anything else in the world, but we can't ever tell anyone because if it doesn't come true then we're left feeling full of despair. Kind of like when you throw a penny in a fountain. You're never supposed to tell anyone."

"But those pennies get scooped up each day, so where does your wish go then?"

I leveled a stare at him and his grin grew bigger. I couldn't help smiling in return. "Stop ruining it and take a bite of your brownie."

Kova barked out a laugh as he picked up the treat. Before he took a bite, he offered it to me.

"No way," I said, pulling away. "If you don't get the first piece and the first bite, your wish will definitely not come true."

"Ah, you make me feel so young." He huffed a laugh, then took a bite. "Are you a superstitious person?" The corners of his eyes crinkled with mirth.

"Only on birthdays."

Kova took another bite and I watched his mouth move. Not because I wanted a piece myself, but because there was something in the air that made everything about tonight feel like it was going to be okay. Like it wasn't weighted down with worry and anxiety. I smiled, a little sad, wishing it could always be like this with us.

Scooting closer to Kova until our arms touched, I rested my head on his shoulder and stared straight ahead, watching the fireworks. I could tell people were lighting them off and that the show hadn't started yet. There were too many pauses in between, and I was glad about that. Plus, they weren't that extravagant and show-stopping. The actual show and finale could be like a private birthday celebration just for Kova to top off this night.

Kova placed the half-eaten brownie under my nose. I shook my head and looked at him. "You eat it. It's your birthday."

"I want you to have some too."

"I don't want it."

"I want to share it with you. Please, for me?" Kova's bottom lip rolled out and his eyes became exaggeratingly sad.

Laughing, I said, "Oh, it's going to be like that? You're going to give me a puppy dog face that I just can't refuse?"

"If that is what it takes."

If it was even possible, he made his face even sadder and I rolled my eyes.

"You look like a lost puppy standing in the rain trying to find his way home. Fine. I'll try it." I tried to take the brownie, but Kova held it up to me. Leaning in, I took a bite and almost moaned. I hadn't had anything sweet in a long time. "Oh my God. That's amazing!"

He looked at me, confusion written all over his face. "You have not yet tried one?"

"No. I bought a pack of them and stuffed it into my freezer. I never tried them."

He offered me the plate. "Here. Eat the rest."

I swallowed. "No, I can't."

"Adrianna," he said, drawing out my name.

"I'll get fat, Kova."

"Not possible."

"I currently have a fat roll on my stomach you can’t see right now." He stared at me like he didn't believe me. I grinned. "I do!"

"That is the most ridiculous thing you have ever said." He pushed the brownie toward me and raised a brow. "Finish this with me. It will not break you. Take two more bites and I will take two more, then we will be done. I cannot eat all of it, and I know you want it. It is my birthday. Do you not want it to be the best one of my thirties?"

I looked at him, smiling, but wondered if what he’d said was true. If it was the best birthday he'd had in a long time, I couldn’t help but think about how many he’d spent alone.

I took the plate from his hand, planning to eat the rest of the brownie.

"Peer pressure, man. You make me do bad things."

His eyes sparked with dark humor. "And you love them all."

"Maybe."

I tried to hide the smirk tugging at my lips with a shrug that was neither here nor there, then took a huge bite. Then another bite, and another, until the it was gone. I handed him the empty plate, our grins matching.

Licking my lips, I joked, "You're over the hill now. You can't afford to indulge like this."

An energetic laugh erupted from Kova's chest. "Thirty-three is not over the hill."

"You're practically ancient." I purposely bumped into his shoulder. Kova laughed again. "I'm going to have to trade you in for someone who can keep up with me and all the bad things I apparently love to do."

Turning toward him, I poked his arm, his waist, his leg, his stomach. He flinched each time, then grabbed my wrist to stop me and I shook my head like it was unacceptable.

"Look at you. You're turning to mush already. That's it. I'm definitely trading you in for someone else. How are you going to take control of me when you've lost control of yourself? You probably can't even hold yourself up now."

In the blink of an eye, Kova spun us around until my back was flat on the lounge and he was laying on top of me. I giggled and poked him with my free hand. Seeing Kova laugh did funny things to me, and I wanted to see what else I could do to make him laugh again. Grabbing my wrists, he placed them on the sides of my head.

Our eyes met and a breath of submission softly rolled off my lips. Kova noticed immediately. My heart battered against my chest in anticipation and I could see his pulse thumping in his neck. The laughter died down and the teasing vanished. His eyes roamed over my face and inspired a different story. I realized I missed the weight of him on me and shifted so he was forced to give me more. Kova pushed one knee between my thighs until we were almost connected, my other leg on top of his. I drew in a shaky breath, and pulled him closer. His lips were a breath away and his body was so warm on mine.

He looked at me, his Adam's apple bobbed up and down, and fireworks danced around us. "Adrianna," he said quietly, intimately. "I wish I could make you understand how much I miss you. I miss being near you, being with you, being inside of you," he whispered in a sexy, raspy voice, moving his mouth to my ear. "I miss the way you smell, the way you taste. I miss every single thing about you. I try not to, and I fight it so hard, but you are always on my mind, and I do not ever see that changing."

Kova was healing my heart and breaking it all at once. These little moments were what locked me to him, because they were real, and they were what mattered. It was also these little moments that made me question so much, because knowing he was the one who threw away what we had was more devastating than anything. It didn't make sense that someone could do that.

"How can you say those things to me?" I asked softly. "You're the one who stripped it from us with two little words, Kova."

I do.

"I know," he said, his voice full of remorse. The intensity of his gaze moved me deeply. "Do you think we will ever have it back?"

I answered with the truth. "Honestly, I don't know. I don't see how it's possible to ever go back to that."

"But you are with me now," he said.

My face fell. "It's not the same. You’re married, Kova. You went behind my back and got married. It's hard to forget that."

Kova agreed. "Sometimes I fear I will miss you for the rest of my life, to the point I ache with sickness just thinking about it."

"Like I'm that one person you can't walk away from, even though you know it will eventually come to that." He nodded subtly in agreement. "I feel the same way."

"I never realized how deeply entwined I was in you…how I still am."

Shifting my hands, I threaded my fingers through his. I wanted to tell him I missed him too, that I missed us, and that I felt the exact same way. My heart was racing, screaming with feelings I thought I’d closed the door on. Our connection was too strong and too rare to be denied. We both knew that. We were a sea of reckless abandon with endless possibilities. My attraction to him hadn't diminished, and being alone with him while his wife was away was an invitation on its own that laid out everything we should never be tempted to do.

I looked up at him and stared into his sorrowful eyes. While I didn't want to be susceptible again, Kova was making it impossible to stick to my guns.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked softly, my heart was going to explode from his raw emotions. "Why now?"

He shrugged. "I do not know. I get this indescribable feeling, and once I feel it, I chase it. I crave it," Kova said, his eyes shifting back and forth. "And it never stops with you. It is like a high all the time. I do not know what to call it or how to make sense of it. Then, tonight, you did what you could to wish me a happy birthday. You are the only one who said it to me today. It was so simple and yet it made me happier than I have been in a long time." Kova paused, swallowing slowly. His brows bunched together like he was lost in an internal battle and needed help to fight his way out.

I frowned. "Katja didn't even call you? Text you?"

Kova rolled to the side, taking me with him. "No. It has been five days since she left. She has not called once, and the only time I have spoken to her was through a text, which I sent to her yesterday to check on her. That was it."

After days of silence from his wife, he still checked on her. My chest tightened. She hadn't even considered him. Talk about breaking my heart. I ached for Kova and what he was telling me. I couldn’t believe no one wished him a happy birthday, not even his wife, who was a complete and utter bitch in my eyes now.

This was the real reason he was here, why he’d pushed himself inside and insisted he help. There was no doubt in my mind. I knew Kova cared about me in his own puzzling way and wanted to make sure I had a speedy and healthy recovery, but loneliness was a bitch and the worst feeling in the world. It was when the walls closed in and the silence became deafening, and the long moments allowed you to sulk inside your mind, where your thoughts ran haywire until they caused you to fall into a depression so deep it was hard to climb out of.

This wasn't the first time he’d pushed. I had to wonder how long he'd been stuck inside the darkness.

"Tell me how you guys met," I asked. I needed to figure out why this woman was so cold toward him. I was the only girl he ever cheated on her with, and from what Kova had said, she'd been this way toward him even before that. Despite that pretty and sweet demure look she had going on, Katja was a viper and would quietly go for the jugular when you least expected.

Now more than ever, I couldn’t comprehend why he would marry someone who treated him so poorly. Maybe she blackmailed him. No. I quickly scratched that thought from my head. I didn't see Kova as the type to cower in a corner. He was a fighter, and someone who had no issue with confrontation.

Kova cleared his throat and shifted his legs closer to mine so they were entwined together. "Katja and I have a long history. We have known each other our whole lives. Our mothers were close friends. My mom and I lived with her mom for a short while after I was born." He hesitated for a moment. "Kat’s mom is the one who got my mom a job at the gentlemen’s club. They worked it out so that she would watch me on days my mom had to work, then when Kat came along a year later, my mom returned the favor. We were always at one another’s homes, practically raised side by side. We became like brother and sister."

I couldn't fathom a friendship being forged between two women who were prostitutes with children around the same age. They both were saddled with baggage and stuck in a dark hole with no one to help them out of it except for each other.

Curious, I asked, "How did you go from a sibling type relationship to now?"

"Our roles shifted throughout the years. My mother made peace with what she did for a living. She was able to provide a somewhat good home for us, keep food on the table, put me through gymnastics, and never miss a competition. There was no other job she could have worked that would have allowed her that." He took a breath. "Kat’s mom, however, grew discontented with the profession." His eyes were distant, a sadness filling them. "She began using drugs to numb herself and eventually became addicted to heroin, she still is. When we were in middle school, I went over to Katja’s one day and found her mom passed out on the couch. I heard a commotion from Kat’s room…" He stopped for a long heartbeat. I looked up and found Kova with his eyes squeezed shut.

I placed my hand on his chest. Quietly, I said, "You don't have to talk about it if it's too much."

Kova shook his head vehemently. "I ran to her room and found a sick scumbag leaning over her with his pants down to mid-thigh. Her nightgown had been ripped, and black, watery streaks ran down her cheeks. In seconds, I had him off her and on the floor. I snapped." Eyes wide like he was remembering every vivid detail, Kova continued. "I beat him until my knuckles bled, until pieces of skin were torn back from his face. I did not stop until Katja pulled me away."

I blinked rapidly, blindsided by this revelation. "What did you do?" My question came out hoarse.

Kova shook his head, pain thick in his eyes. "I dragged his bloody, beaten body out to the hallway and left him there. After that, I took her home with me. I went from her brother to her protector. Where I went, she went. Even when I had practice, she would sit out in the waiting area and wait for me. My mom pleaded with hers to stop using, but she would not. She was too far gone and that left me with no choice."

Tears burned my eyes, the fireworks long forgotten. I was nestled up to Kova, hanging on to his every word, too deep in the riveting conversation about his past to stop now. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know everything.

I yawned, exhaustion suddenly washing over me. I hadn't slept in eighteen hours and it was finally catching up.

"Is my story boring you?" He laughed lightly, the shadows fading from his eyes.

"No. It's quite the opposite actually. Keep going."

He laughed again. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"We can finish this conversation another night if you are tired."

"I'm happy right where I am."

Pulling back, Kova leaned down to kiss my forehead, his arms tightening around me. I was a glutton for punishment, wanting to know the gritty details of his life with Katja.

"Katja stayed with us on and off all through middle and high school. In high school our roles changed again…"

When he didn’t continue, I glanced up at him and met his gaze. He tilted his head to the side and studied me. Whatever came next in his story, I knew I didn’t want to hear it, but I needed to know. I needed to understand his relationship with Katja.

I rested my head back on his chest, willing him to continue.

Finally, he spoke.

"Katja had always been a beauty, but when she hit around sixteen she blossomed into something else entirely. Men and women looked at her everywhere she went. She turned heads, she still does. We were both teenagers with hormones. I would catch her staring, watching me, just like I did her. Not that I want to go into detail, and I am sure you do not want to hear, but we experimented a lot…until one day we eventually lost our virginity to each other."

An overwhelming burn of bitterness bubbled in my chest. I never gave much thought to Kova’s first time, but if I had to guess, I would have thought it was with some random hookup at a party. A total clichéd assumption, but I should have known better. Nothing about Kova’s life had ever been clichéd.

I should have prepared myself, but I hadn’t.

"You went still on me," Kova said. He pulled back and looked down at me, but I wouldn't meet his gaze. God, why did I have to be so irrational? I saw his lips curve up from the corner of my eye, but I couldn't look. "You are mad," he stated, amusement filling his voice.

"I'm not. I'm fine."

"You are." His voice rose, pleased with my anger.

"I'm not," I chewed out, causing Kova to laugh. He pinned me, his arms over mine, the weight of his body between my spread legs holding me down. I glared up at him and all he could do was smile like he’d won the damn lottery. "Get off me, Kova," I said, and used my hips to push him off, which only resulted in nudging him closer to me.

"You are jealous. Admit it." He chuckled, and I wanted to punch him in the throat.

"I'm not. I don't get jealous."

Obvious lie.

Kova grinned even more. "Then why do you look like you are ready to castrate me?"

My lips flattened, remaining silent. Kova leaned down with a smile on his face, his happiness striking me hard. It was totally irrational of me to behave like this and yet I couldn't help it. His mouth angled toward mine. Just as he was about to close the distance, I turned my head to the side. The tip of his nose grazed my cheek, the heat of his laugh tickling my skin. Sliding his hands, he laced his fingers with mine again as he peppered kisses along my jaw and down the length of my neck. My chest burned and my heart pounded. Just because he and Katja had a deep history didn't mean I had to like it.

"I think my Ria is jealous," Kova said, his voice almost singsong and proud. "I kind of like this look on you. Admit that you are and I will get off," he said, nipping my collarbone. My back arched, pushing my stupid hardened nipples into his chest.

"There's nothing to admit."

Kova pulled back and looked down at me, tightening his hands on mine. "Then kiss me. Prove to me you are not jealous."

"What? No."

"Why not? You gave me a birthday kiss earlier. This can be my good luck kiss."

"You don't believe in that crap."

"I had a change of heart."

A laugh burst from me. "Yeah, right!" I said, and Kova smiled. He nestled closer. We stared at each other, the warmth of our bodies pressed so close together it was difficult not to think about how perfectly our bodies aligned in all the right places.

It was too comfortable. Too natural. Too right.

Leaning down, Kova's lips softly met the corner of my mouth. Slowly, he took his time, kissing all around the edge of my lips with the same tenderness, until he was hovering above me. I looked at his mouth as he waited.

"Maybe I am a little jealous," I admitted in a whisper.

Kova's eyes softened. Tilting my chin up, I gave him the consent he sought to close the distance between us. Right before he kissed me, I said, "Okay. I'm a lot jealous and I don't like this feeling inside me."

He grinned and it electrified my blood. Kova's kisses were unlike any I'd ever had, erotic and as seductive as black lace.

"I would feel the same way you do if the roles were reversed," he said. "The thought of another man with you does more to me than make me jealous, Adrianna. It makes me downright murderous, and it terrifies me. You are mine, and mine only."

A knot formed in my throat as the times I’d slept with Hayden flashed in my mind. I prayed to every god I could think of that Kova never found out.

"I'm not yours, Kova. Katja is yours."

"She was never mine," he responded immediately, and his words sank into my bones. "Not the way you are. It is…different."

"Yet she's the one with your last name."

Kova licked a wet trail up the column of my neck, and a sigh rolled off my lips. He let go of one hand and held my hips in place as he surged against me in a painfully slow motion. I moaned at the friction against my wet pussy, the desire to tear his clothes off strong.

"For now."

A soft breath rolled off my lips. I arched my neck and pulled his bottom lip into my mouth with my teeth, and kissed him. I was an addict for this man, and despite all the pain and suffering he had caused me, I still kept coming back for more.

It didn't take long for our passion to take over. Kova pressed into me. His lips moved, slow and steady, like he was both sad and in love, reminding me of the night he repeated prosti over and over.

I slammed that door shut and blocked it out. I couldn't go back to that night, so I kissed him back the way I thought he was kissing me—wholly, completely, and regrettably in love.

He gripped me hard and moaned into my mouth, a sound somewhere between pleasure and need. His fingers trembled against my skin as he moved his hand to my outer thigh.

Kova pushed against me slowly, and I squirmed as his cock hit just the right spot. Reaching around with my free hand, I slipped it under his shorts and grabbed his butt, pulling him into my center. I gasped into his mouth as he thrust against me again, the head of his cock straining against my opening. All I had to do was pull down the elastic of his shorts and he could slide right in…

"Kova…" I licked my lips. "I want you."

A deep growl sounded in the back of his throat. "Not yet."

Little flames licked my skin as his hand palmed my thigh. His touch, like his kiss, always drugged me and made me ache for more. His fingers dug into me, and I rolled my hips against his length, wanting more, secretly getting hotter knowing we were outside where people could see us. It was so daring and I loved it. I wanted everyone to see he was with me and not her. It gave me a sense of power.

"The thought of you telling me about your wife, while you're here with me, while your cock is pushing against my pussy, is intoxicating." The words dripped from my lips like venom. Kova’s eyes flared and he let out a growl. "It's thrilling and wrong and I honestly love the feeling it gives me," I continued. "Like I'm high or something. I take pleasure in knowing you're here with me and not her. Somehow I get the sense that even if she were in town, you would still be between my legs."

"Why must you talk like that?"

"Because I know you love it, and it's the honest truth." I smirked.

"You have a corrupted, devious mind," he said. "And I love that you do. It is one of the things I love about you. We feed each other's cravings without guilt."

His hand skimmed higher up my thigh and reached the crease in my hip. His thumb gently stroked my bare flesh, then slid lower to my bikini line, where he groaned at the contact, realizing I wasn’t wearing panties.

"I would be with you all the time if I could, and be in that tight little pussy all day long."

Slipping my other hand from his, I placed it in his shorts and rubbed circles on his perfectly round ass. Boldly but curiously, my palms slid along the seam of his cheeks, my fingers pushing in just slightly enough to spread him. Kova tensed then growled as he devoured my mouth. I did it again until the tips of my fingers touched his sack. We became fervent and passionate, breathing heavily, our chests pushing into one another's while fireworks continued to explode around us.

I reached for his wrist and placed his hand between my thighs, and bared down, grinding on his palm, guiding him to rub me how I liked it.

"Please," I begged, forcing his callused hand over my clit. I sighed in pleasure, the beginning of an orgasm climbing.

"Adrianna…" he groaned, looking over his shoulder at the next condo. He looked back at me. "People can see us."

"So." My hips moved of their own accord. The thought of being seen elated me and turned me on even more.

"Christ. You like it," he stated, his pupils dilating. "You like knowing people can see us." Speaking in Russian, Kova looked over his shoulder again then back down at me. "If I do this for you, you do it how I want you to."

I rolled my bottom lip between teeth and nodded in agreement.

Kova leaned over and said, "Do not touch me, and do not move your hands." I agreed. He then pulled the front of my dress up to my stomach. Grabbing my leg, he hiked it so it was over his hip. "Bend your other knee and spread your legs wide."

I shot a nervous glance at the nearby condos. I was way more exposed than I had been a minute ago. My legs were spread wide open like a butterfly.

"Adrianna," he warned. "This is what you asked for and now I am giving it to you. Do as I say."

"Okay."

"Now kiss me, and do not stop until you come. Do you hear me, malysh?"

I nodded, breathing heavily, primed to come any second. Taking two of his fingers, he placed them in his mouth to coat them, then he leaned down to kiss me at the same time they penetrated my pussy. I gasped as his fingers breached my entrance and his thumb circled my clit. My hips lifted, pumping onto his fingers brazenly. I kissed him deeply, hungrily, and my legs widened as that familiar, blissful pleasure flowed through me. Right as the desire peaked, Kova pulled his fingers away and delivered a hard slap to my pussy.

I yelped against his mouth at the shock reverberating through me. My hands fisted my dress, the sensations assaulting me confusing me because while I loved it, I worried someone would hear.

"Do not stop kissing me, Adrianna," he growled. I kissed him again and his fingers went back to work, pushing deep inside me and curling upward. His thumb tortured my clit and I panted into his mouth between kisses.

He pulled away and slapped my pussy again, loud enough to cause a stir. A rowdy group of guys next to us started to roar and whistle something, but Kova's voice brought me back to him. Grabbing my wrist, Kova placed my hand on his stiff cock and showed me how to stroke it.

"They cannot see our faces. Let them watch. Let them wish they were the ones touching your innocent little pussy. Focus on the pleasure and what I am doing to you. Trust me on this. It will be worth it. And Adrianna?"

"Yes?"

"Stroke me hard and fucking kiss me."

I nodded hastily and did just that, kissing him while twisting my wrist. The sound of the crowd and the touch of his fingers caused a frenzy within me unlike no other. My kisses became greedy, until I was leaning up on my elbows hungry for more. Hips undulating on their own, I couldn't take it anymore. Another slap to my clit and I whimpered hard, gripping his shaft to the point I knew I was probably painful. That rush of ecstasy hit me with a heavy force. Kova inserted his fingers and my pussy tightened around them as I came on his hand, his thumb never leaving my clit. The orgasm took over my body, my thighs quivering as I experienced another amazing release only Kova was able to give me.

Breaking the kiss, Kova placed his forehead against mine and clenched his eyes shut. I kept stroking him but he slowed my hand.

"You didn't finish."

"That is okay. This was not about me."

He rolled to his back, taking me with him. My head rested on his chest as his fingers dragged lazily up and down my thigh from my knee to my hip, my dress slipping higher and higher each time, until part of my rear was exposed. His fingers halted, and I looked up. He was already watching me.

"Leave it up… I like it."

Kova's eyes glimmered like he was about to say something but he remained silent. His hand drew lazy lines over my pelvis, dipping to the small of my back, and down the seam of my cheeks. Fisting his shirt, I lifted my knee higher and drew in a little gasp when the cool air tickled my wet sex.

Kova's hand slowed to a stop. "You should go rest now," he gently suggested.

"I'm okay. I like being here with you," I responded truthfully. Kova's chin dipped once and his hand started back up. I snuggled closer to him, breathing him in and basking in the feel of his arms wrapped around me. I was two seconds away from climbing on top of him.

It was too natural, too physical, too emotional.

Too perfect.

Kova was right… I missed us, too.

"I want to know the rest of the story."

I needed us to slow down, but I needed to know more. Kova sighed but obliged anyway.

"So Katja was your first?"

Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

His mouth twitched. "Yes."

"Is that when you guys started dating?" I asked.

"No. We slept with each other often, but we were never official," he said. "It was more than that. I went from a brother to a protector to her lover. She supported my dreams, my goals, my addiction to the sport. When my mother passed away, she was there. Our positions changed yet again, and she became a provider, lifting me out of the darkness and looking out for me. We always just had each other."

My forehead creased and a headache pounded at the center of it. I squeezed my eyes shut and thought about what he’d just said, wondering how Kova didn't see it for what it was. He didn't understand the severity of the situation he’d just laid out for me.

"Do you not see how dependent you both became?" I said. "That's not healthy, Kova. That's convenience. You guys grew up like brother and sister, and now you're married. You guys didn’t have to stay together."

Kova shook his head adamantly and that annoyed me. He sat up and turned toward me. Aside from his mother, it was apparent he'd never gotten close to anyone else other than Katja. They’d formed an attachment to each other under traumatic events in their lives and never severed the connection. It only grew as they got older, then they made it legally binding.

"When I suggested possibly moving to the States, she did not question me, she just started packing and asked when we were leaving. We were inseparable."

If that wasn't the definition of codependency, then I didn't know what was.

"Wait. How are you guys here? In the States?"

"Katja is here on a visa."

"And what about you?"

He shook his head. "I came here on a work visa and then became a citizen as quickly as I was able to. Because we married, she is now on a faster track to becoming one too. It will still take time, just not as long." He paused. "You do not understand, and you may never, but after everything we have been through, I felt like I owed it to her. I did not make it easy on her, not even when we moved here, and yet she was always there for me."

My brows shot to my hairline. All this drama was because he felt like he owed it to her? Because back when they were kids her mom became a drug addict and couldn’t fucking parent, so he felt like it was his problem to deal with. Then their stupid teenage hormones led to them fucking for the first time, then his mom passed away, and he moved them here. To the land of opportunity. So he married her. Because he felt like he owed it to her.

I shook my head in disbelief and stared at the black sky with white clouds of smoke drawn through it. There was more to the story, there had to be. Like maybe he really did love her. A piece was missing, otherwise it was outrageous to think he'd married someone because he felt like he owed it to them. No one does that, and if he did, well, I didn't know where I'd go from here because then he'd have always known he was going to marry her, and still got together with me.

"Sounds like motivation to me. If she has a child, she's legally bound here, and to you."

"No, she knows I do not want kids. She would not do that to me."

"You're kidding me, right? What aren't you telling me?" I asked, turning toward him. "I feel like there's more."

Kova sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. He looked toward the dark ocean and watched the roaring waves crash into the shoreline. Tightness spread in my chest as his gaze traveled further away.

I was right. I had a feeling he was holding back, and it was obvious he was.

"It is complicated," he said, voice low.

I scoffed. "Do you even love her?"

He looked at me, his eyes lost, shifting back and forth. "I do not love her the way I am supposed to."

"What does that mean?"

Kova took my hand in his and kissed the top of my knuckles. "There was a period in my life when I thought I was in love with her. If I am being honest, until I met you, I did love her. But things changed and now I question if I ever truly was in love. Do not get me wrong, while I do love Katja and probably always will, I am not in love with her."

My heart pounded furiously against my ribs, my ears like little balls of flames on the sides of my head. Nothing made sense. Nothing added up. And it was driving me fucking crazy. He was giving me pieces to three different puzzles, and asking me to put them together to form a clear picture. It would never happen.

"Then why did you marry her? If you don't love her, why did you marry her?" My voice shook with emotion. I pushed his hand away and stood up, my stomach twisting in knots. Between the story of their upbringing and now this, I was ready to scream. "Why? And don’t give me a bullshit reason like you made a stupid pact when you were kids, because I'm not buying it. And why didn’t you tell me? Why did I have to find out the way I did? And why are you still married to her if you don't love her?"

I felt my blood rising, my blood pressure breaching the normal rate. My chest rose and fell, palms sweating. If he had told me he was in love with her, I would've believed it. I would've accepted it. Even that would be better than this. But he hadn't, because he didn't even love her.

"Adrianna." He shook his head sadly. Kova stepped toward me, but I stepped back. His forehead wrinkled and I wanted to fix the anguish in his eyes. "The truth." He sighed, and I frowned as his voice started to trail off. He sounded wrecked and it made my chest ache. "There is more to the truth, and it does not involve just me and Kat. It would destroy you more than I ever have, and I am not willing to risk that. When everything is said and done, and the Games are in the past, then I will tell you. There is a plausible reason, and it was never meant to hurt you. As ridiculous as it sounds, what I did was for you. You have to believe me."

I shook my head, my heart breaking all over again.

His gaze took in my face and scanned the length of my body. He rolled his lips over his teeth, then switched to his native tongue. I caught the hint of a smile and I wanted to smack it off him because now was not the time for it.

"Ya lyublyu tebya. Ya lyublyu tebya, no eto nichego ne mozhet izmenit'."

My head tilted to the side. I watched his mouth and stepped closer. "What did you say?"

He shook his head, the smile fading from his face. "It really does not matter what I said. It cannot change the past or the future."

I stepped closer and placed a hand on his arm. "It matters to me. Last time you said prosti while we had sex and the next day I found out you were married." I couldn't say making love because now I wasn't sure Kova was even capable of love.

"I should not have said it," he said, his voice low.

"You shouldn't have done a lot of things with me, yet you have."

"Ya lyublyu tebya. Ya lyublyu tebya, no eto nichego ne mozhet izmenit'."

I stared at his mouth. "Again."

I wished I didn’t like hearing him speak in his native tongue. I wished I hated the dialect the way I did other languages. The times he'd spoken in Russian to me were times that ultimately decimated my heart. The way his tongue tapped his teeth, how his cheeks hollowed when he spoke, the way his lips moved, there was something to be said about a man who spoke a foreign language in a deep, robust voice.

"You've said that to me before. What did you say?"

"Things I cannot say to you." He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "I would love to teach you Russian one day."

One day. Closing my eyes, I shook my head and ignored his last comment. He was diverting the conversation.

"How… How could you marry someone you're not in love with? Explain it to me?" I pleaded again. I couldn't wrap my mind around it, and I didn't see myself letting it go anytime soon.

"Adrianna, how do you break it off with someone you have been connected to your whole life? Over thirty years. That is a long time to let go and never look back. It is not so simple when our history is muddled with secrets and lies and at one time, compassion and love. You want to believe the same person from long ago is still there."

I mused over his words, kind of agreeing, kind of not. I was stuck in between, and since I didn't know the whole story it was hard to form an opinion. Still, it didn't hurt any less.

Yawning, my eyes were suddenly heavy. I chewed my lip as I thought about my next set of words.

"This is not an ultimatum, but after what little you told me, and you stay—"

He cut me off, shaking his head vehemently. Worry circled his green eyes. "Do not do this, Adrianna, please, do not do this. I know what you are going to say, and please, just do not. Not yet."

"Then give me something, anything. You've been so fair to everyone but me. Please."

Kova waited a long minute, his indecisive gaze filled with trepidation. His piercing glare told me he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He either couldn't tell me, didn't know where to start, or flat out didn't want to.

"You know what? Never mind." I brushed the topic away with a swipe of my hand, pretending I didn't care when it was actually destroying me. "I should've known better than to ask you for the truth. You know, you were right. We have made progress, but it seems every time we do, we end up taking ten steps back."

Turning, I headed for the sliding glass door when he called my name.

"You want to start with one of the whys, Adrianna? Start with your mother. She is the root of all evil."

Start with your mother.

It was all I thought about after Kova left that night. We hadn't had time to talk in between practices, and now I was sitting in the doctor's office once again with time on my hands to overanalyze every aspect of my grand life.

It wasn't like I could call Joy and flat out ask her what she had to do with Kova and Katja marrying. Not after I’d learned she moved out. For Joy, my birth was a constant reminder of my dad’s betrayal. Call me crazy, but I had a hunch that if she didn't talk to me for the rest of my life it would be no sweat off her back.

I definitely couldn't ask my dad about Kova's marriage. That was out of the question, so I was left with too many thoughts flashing through my head and the rapid rushing of paranoia filling my chest. I was drowning in a sea of sharks. The only person I could ask was the one person who didn't want to add anymore destruction to my life. I understood it, but I didn't like it.

The more I thought about it, the more I wished I could go back in time and not ask. I would've waited to demand anything from Kova at this point because all it did was lace me with uncertainty. I shouldn't have pushed but curiosity got the best of me. There were too many doors left open, too many options to choose from, and it seemed like they all led to one answer.

If I wasn't thinking about Joy's grimy hands, I was thinking about how Kova didn't love Katja yet he’d married her out of obligation. Kova not being in love with Katja was not something I ever once considered. It filled my head with so many questions that I didn't know where to start. Nothing added up. Kova wasn't the type to be cornered into anything he didn't want, especially a marriage, and especially not after he’d promised his mother he'd live for the both of them when she died.

Timing is everything, he’d said multiple times, and he was right, but I was hesitant to trust him. The last time I did I landed face-first in the worst heartbreak I’d ever felt.

I sighed inwardly and yawned, feeling a little tired. On top of everything, I’d started peeing blood and that fucked with my head even more.

For two days the toilet water had been a deep crimson color and I didn't know why. At first I thought I’d gotten my period early since it was so irregular, but using a few tampons confirmed that wasn't it. Naturally, I searched the internet, but most of what I’d found said it was related to my kidneys, which didn't help settle my mind. After learning about Francesca, and my doctor’s concerns, plus my internet research, I was sure I had every autoimmune disease I’d read about. But I didn't feel sick, at least not worse than what I usually felt. Sure, I had some aches and pains, but I figured those were from the training camp.

My head was a tangled mess and I was being screwed from seven different directions.

"Hey, Adrianna," Dr. DeLang said politely as she knocked and walked in. A tall man with a weathered face followed behind her. He had to be at least ten years older than her.

"This is Dr. Kozol," my doctor introduced him as he reached over to shake my hand. "He’s a colleague of mine I asked to come in and consult."

My brows bunched together and my heart instantly kicked up a notch. Why would my doctor need to bring in another doctor?

"Hi," I responded hesitantly, then immediately looked at my doctor.

Dr. DeLang took a seat behind her desk and placed a folder down, while the new doctor pulled out the chair next to me.

"I see the rash has subsided for you." My doctor smiled at me as her gentle eyes took in my face.

"Yeah, it's not bad anymore, thankfully."

I eyed the new doctor, not liking his presence. A team of doctors was never good and could only hint at something more serious.

I turned my attention back to Dr. DeLang. "So I found out some family history since the last time I was here." I offered.

"That's good news. Such as?"

"My mom was a twin, and her sister had a type of diabetes, I can't remember which one, plus another autoimmune disease." Dr. DeLang gave Dr. Kozol a quick glance. It was a signal, like a confirmation, and my stomach dropped.

"She has two autoimmune diseases? Do you happen to know the name of the other autoimmune?" Dr. Kozol asked, leaning forward in his chair.

The hair on my arms rose. I didn't like the peculiar tone in his voice. "Mixed Tissue she said."

Dr. Kozol pulled a small notepad from his coat pocket and scribbled something down, while Dr. DeLang flipped open the file folder on her desk. A lump formed in my throat. I didn't like either one of their reactions. I was ready to stand up and demand answers when Dr. Kozol cut off my train of thought.

"How old is she?" he asked, brows at a deep angle.

"She died…" He made a note in his little pad. "She was twenty. They said it was due to the diabetes."

"Hmmm. That helps." Helped what? What the hell was going on? He didn’t give me any other information, just went straight into his next question. "And your mother?"

"She's healthy, nothing wrong with her." I looked at Dr. DeLang. "She said she's checked often."

"How are you doing overall?" my doctor asked softly.

I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and shot a nervous look at Dr. Kozol before looking back at her. "Well…the last couple of days I started to notice blood in my urine." My ears turned warm, embarrassment sloping down the bridge of my nose. It was the first time I’d voiced that out loud and it made my pulse thrum with actual fear.

Her face didn't move, didn't express a thing. "Every time?"

"The last two days it's been almost every time. I think there was a time before that it may have happened once, but I can't remember."

"Any other issues?" She flipped through a few pages in the folder and circled something.

I started to shake my head no, then paused. "My back is killing me."

"Where on your back?" I pointed to the place below my ribs and Dr. Kozol made another note, then sat back in his chair and studied me.

Dread formed in my stomach. I was sure I was pointing to an organ or three back there. Combined with the blood, it didn't take a genius to know that wasn't good. I stared at my doctor, seeking answers.

She looked up from the file and adjusted the glasses on her nose. "Let’s go over your lab results." She glanced down. "We ran an antinuclear antibody test to check for the possibility of an autoimmune disorder. I also requested the other labs since the ANA can be used to diagnose multiple autoimmune diseases if an autoimmune disorder is present." She paused, and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t want to hear the rest of what she had to say, but I had to. "Adrianna, the ANA was positive. You have an autoimmune disorder."

I shook my head, feeling like the diagnosis was shoved down my throat. What did all this mean? That I had what Francesca had? I didn’t understand. Or maybe the truth was that I didn't want to understand.

"So I have a disorder? Like what my aunt had?"

Dr. DeLang inhaled a deep breath before she continued. "You tested eighty-seven percent positive for lupus. That is way above the minimum. Your red blood cell count has been consistently low, too low." She went over a few other tests, but I was so clueless. All I understood was positive and below normal, and that I had lupus.

Fuck. My head was a mess.

"Remember when I mentioned lupus can affect other organs?" Dr. DeLang looked at me, and I nodded. "Based on your other symptoms and high marker levels, I had your kidney function tested. And now you're telling me you're urinating blood and that your maternal aunt passed away from an autoimmune disease."

"They said it was from the diabetes."

"Do you know what type diabetes she had?" Dr. Kozol asked. "Type 1 is an autoimmune, although, with the MTCD… That is one of the rarer AI's, and the survival rate is low, even if it's caught early. I'm willing to take an educated guess that it was a combination of everything. You probably don't know if it affected her organs, do you?" I shook my head. Why would I think to ask something like that?

"I think it was type 1?" I blinked rapidly and asked, "Are you saying I have what my aunt had?"

"I'm going to let Dr. Kozol take over." Dr. DeLang removed her glasses, her eyes shifting to the man next to me.

Dread consumed my veins. I could feel the weight of his words hanging in the air before he said them. I looked at the doctor but he was already watching me. Goose bumps coated my arms, and I hugged myself, hiding my fists. I wanted to scream out and say no, because if he was going to take over, I knew it wouldn’t be good.

"The blood is coming from your kidneys, and quite frankly, that's extremely concerning. I’d like to have you admitted to the hospital immediately to start treatment and run additional tests."

"I don't understand. What tests, and what is the blood caused from? Treatment for what?"

"Adrianna," he sighed. "There is no other way to put it. Your kidneys are failing."

I paled. "Kidneys? As in both?"

He nodded.

"Both are failing?" My voice was low, cracking. I had to repeat it because I couldn’t believe my ears.

And he nodded again.

A tremor racked my body. Chills tormented my arms and I stared, unblinking at the doctor, trying to process what he’d just said. My kidneys were failing? That wasn't possible and I was sure they were wrong. They felt fine. I felt fine. Hysteria flowed through my veins and I fought to keep calm. My brows furrowed tightly together, and I asked in a quiet voice, "What do… What does this all mean?"

"It means your kidneys are failing at a rapid rate and we need to be proactive now."

A chill washed over me, anchoring me to the chair. I was so cold, my bones aching with brittleness that the magnitude of the situation wasn't hitting me the way it should have. Dr. Kozol went into detail, telling me how much kidney function I had left, but it wasn't registering. I was stone-faced, unblinking, and emotionless. I could hear his voice, but I couldn't process his words into clear sentences. A heavy weight sat in the pit of my stomach, spreading throughout my body. While I wasn't well-versed on the human anatomy, I knew enough to know that if my kidneys were failing and he needed to act now, I was much sicker than I could have ever imagined possible.

My heart pounded against my chest and I started to panic. Now it made sense why he was here. He was a specialist, one who I would be handed over to.

"Adrianna?" Dr. DeLang sat forward. "Did you hear Dr. Kozol?"

I shook my head, and Dr. Kozol was kind enough to repeat what he’d said without making me feel bad that I hadn't listened the first time.

The numbers were alarming. Staggering. The house of cards I'd worked so hard to build were starting to fold, and all I could do was watch them drop to the floor. This was a twist I didn't see coming. It wasn't planned, it shouldn’t have happened, and now I didn't know what to do because the reality was, it was happening no matter what.

"And you're sure?" I asked, my voice shaky.

He nodded gravely. "Without a doubt. Honestly, I'm not sure how you made it this far without visiting an emergency room."

I blinked. My mouth suddenly dry.

I'd been oblivious to the gravity of the symptoms and suddenly felt so naïve and stupid. Had they been so obvious? And, if they had been, would I have acknowledged them?

No.

I wanted my dad. I wanted Avery. I wanted Kova. I wanted to hold someone's hand and for them to tell me everything was going to be okay.

But it never be okay now.

Instead, I had no one and nothing except an anxiety attack hurling me into a deep, dark spiral I couldn’t stop.

I wish I had never found out.

"Well, what are my options? What kind of treatment can we start on? Some kind of medication?"

"You have a few options," Dr. Kozol said.

As he went through treatment after treatment, my stomach constricted with fear and the world around me faded away. Information circled my head, all revolving around my dreams. Side effects. The risk of growing sicker. Sitting out the rest of the season—possibly for good.

"What's next?" I interrupted him. Tears were threatening to climb but I wouldn't let them. I refused to have come this far, and be this close to my dream, just to have it yanked away. I wouldn’t go down without a fight. "These won't work with my schedule. I can't afford to be out like that."

"Quite frankly, there is no next option."

My lungs struggled for air as anger infused my blood. That wasn't acceptable to me. "There can't only be two options."

"Unfortunately since this was detected so late, your options are limited. Until you find a match, you really only have one choice."

Unacceptable. I'd have to get a second opinion. Both treatments required too much from me, or they would make me extremely ill and I refused to deal with that. Medicine had come a long way. There was no way I would make time for either option if it put my gymnastics career in jeopardy. Surely a few more months wouldn't make that big of a difference. And, if I was forced to have the life sucked out of me, it would be from something that I loved, not sitting in a chilly hospital bed watching my dreams pass me by.

"You only get one life, Adrianna. Chose it wisely."

I rolled my lips between my teeth and considered what he said. "What if we hold off on treatment for a couple of months?" I asked, holding my ground. "That would be okay, right? Just a few months?"

Dr. Kozol and Dr. DeLang looked at each other for a long moment, their faces grim. I knew the answer before he even said it. Still, I wasn't ready for it. My chest tightened, fearing pushing its way in at the unknown. My lungs struggled for air, and I swallowed hard, waiting for a response.

"I don't recommend that. In fact, I'm highly against it." Dr. Kozol stared at me without judgment. "There is not one medical professional who would agree with that."

Breathing heavily, I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "I'm going to wait. I'll be fine."

I pulled my shoulders back. Dr. Kozol leaned forward and his voice dropped. "This is very serious. You're extremely ill and need to seek treatment. This isn't playing guinea pig to see which medication will help you. You don't have that luxury." He paused, his voice firm. "Your kidneys are failing." He stated it slowly, like I hadn't heard him the first time. He became a blurry vision as silent tears rolled down my cheeks. "It's not a matter of if you will die, but a matter of when you will die. This needs to be your first priority."

I shook my head, my lips a thin, flat line. Dr. Kozol sat back while Dr. DeLang wrote in my file. She reached for the phone next and started dialing, probably calling my dad. But so what, there wasn't a soul on earth who could change my mind. Not my dad. Not Kova. No one was going to take this away from me.

My love for gymnastics is what drove me, what gave me the out I needed to express who I was. I wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet, not when I’d only just gotten started.

Like the roaring thunder in the distance I could hear headed toward me, I felt the water level building, curling, the impending wave that would no doubt drown me. The pressure was already too great and it was growing by the second. Just thinking about what lay ahead for me sent an all-consuming wave of sadness over me. I'd come too far.

And the thing was, I wasn't going to try to stop it. Not yet at least, because the timing wasn't right, and timing was everything.

I would risk it all to achieve my dream.

Even if it killed me.

To be continued...

Turn for a preview of

Hold On to Me

by Lucia Franco

PROLOGUE

Hospitals are always such frigidly, sad places. The happy pictures mounted on the walls with lake side images representing happy days full of sunshine and fun were nothing but a lie. Cold, leather blue chairs connected at the legs took up most of the space in the waiting room. A muted television hung in the corner, subtitles running across the lower screen. Fake smiles dazzled the nurses’ faces when they made eye contact, but he could see right through them. It was such a deceiving environment that it made his skin itch.

Next to him sat Alyssa. She squeezed his hand giving him support, but John didn’t have the strength to squeeze it back. He was utterly empty inside.

Alone.

Vacant.

Not a feeling left to give.

No one in the hospital could possibly be thinking of days with endless sun. Not a chance. And if they were, they were flat out liars. In reality, their moments were full of gray clouded skies with unknown answers swirling in the air. Misery. Open ended questions. No one knew what lay beyond those walls. Seconds ticked by, turning to minutes, turning to hours.

A quick glance down at the phone and that’s all it took for his world to change.

If he blinked his eyes, it would have been over. And thinking back on it, he wished he had because the images replaying in his head would forever be seared into his brain. He’d do anything to erase them.

CHAPTER ONE

As Alyssa threw open the front door to her new home, a blast of heat smacked her cheeks. It was hot as Hades, the humidity causing her platinum blonde hair to frizz. Stepping outside, she stared at the ground as she walked down the ugly red dirt road. Who knew there was red dirt? She’d only ever seen the normal, blackish brown kind. South Fork was a small town of only a few thousand people, by far the smallest town she had ever lived in, and she’d lived in many.

Cursing under her breath, little pebbles dug into her feet with every few steps she took. The humidity was high, even the dirt was hot. Alyssa was not used to this kind of living. Back home in California, all the roads she’d lived on had been paved. In fact, she couldn’t remember ever seeing a dirt road, especially not a deep red one.

“Son of a bitch,” she muttered when a tiny, sharp rock dug into the ball of her foot. Balancing on one leg, dirt wedged between her toes, she swiped away the imbedded stone and continued to the mailbox at the end of the driveway.

So this was her new life—a remote bumpkin town in the Deep South, forced to leave the beautiful Pacific Coast because her mother had found love, then lost it. Again. For the hundredth time now.

Okay. Maybe she was exaggerating a bit, but it sure did feel like it.

Alyssa had been shuffled around often as a child. Thankfully, her mother had stayed in the same country for most of her life, but in the last three years they had moved up and down the California coast. It was the most she had ever moved, and it made eight moves that she could remember. She attended two different high schools and now, she was about to start her second semester at a new college. Alyssa was tired of moving and craved stability. She wanted friends to talk to and hang out with, but that was a difficult feat when they were always on the go. So she kept her friends at arm’s length and didn’t get attached. It was easier that way.

Flipping down the mail door, Alyssa grabbed the stack of envelopes lying inside. As she read the front of the credit card bills her mother would probably never pay, the roaring sound of engines caught her attention. Glancing over her shoulder, a heat mirage glistened in the middle of the road when she spotted two guys riding four wheelers at the end of the street. A large cloud of dust flew up behind them until they slowed to a stop right in front of her.

Alyssa stood, quietly assessing them. Typical looking country boys, she assumed—barefoot, no shirts, and basketball shorts. Blackened fingers gripped the handlebars. Both guys looked similar except one had toffee colored eyes, and the other had the deepest green eyes she had ever seen. They reminded her of the rich green color of ivy leaves in the spring. The backwards hat he sported allowed the sun to display the specks of yellow in his eyes. They were vibrant, alluring, and she found herself staring at them longer than she should have.

“Hey there, sugar.” A crooked grin tugged at his mouth, his lazy southern drawl moving something deep inside of her.

Well, shit. She wasn’t expecting her stomach to tighten from it.

“You new to the area?” the brown-eyed one asked.

She nodded. “I just moved in about a couple of weeks ago.”

“Where did you come from?”

“California.”

“All the way from the golden coast . . . That’s a pretty big move. What brought you to our neck of the woods?”

“You could say my mom wanted a change of pace.”

Both guys nodded.

“So you’re here with your mom, then?” brown eyes asked.

“Yes. I probably should’ve stayed since I was in the middle of the semester, so I’ll be starting in the spring here.”

“Where at?” he asked.

“What are you putting her under the spotlight for?” his friend asked.

“I’m not! I’m just curious.”

Alyssa smiled. “At the community college nearby.”

“I’m Jace, and this idiot,” he pointed to his friend, “is John.”

Alyssa’s eyes widened as John threw a leg over his seat and stood. When he reached out an open palm, all sensible thoughts left her brain.

Sweet Jesus . . .

His dirt covered shorts sat low on his waist, exposing the black lip of his boxers. His lean stomach didn’t have an ounce of fat on it, and the slight V indents on his hips caught her eyes when he let out a breath of air. It was almost as if they were hidden, and the only way to notice them was to stare, like she was doing now. The sudden urge to trace her fingers along his skin took her by surprise, and Alyssa began to wonder if this was how all the guys dressed down here, because despite his scruffy appearance, this was something she could get used to.

John took a step toward her, and she couldn’t help but notice his silky, smooth skin or the ripples in his stomach as the sun shined down on him. He was surprisingly good-looking, but it was his green eyes and flirtatious smile that struck a nerve deep inside her belly.

Alyssa glanced down at his opened palm. She stepped forward and slid her hand along his rough skin. She inhaled, and unlike the expensive cologne guys wore back in California, John smelled earthy and rich. Like fresh cut grass on a sunny day. It was an interesting combination that she couldn’t believe she found appealing. Jace followed suit and reached out an open palm to her.

“If you need anything, let us know. We’ll ride on over.”

Her brows angled in confusion at John. “So you’ll ride over on those things,” she pointed to the four wheelers. “And do what exactly?”

“Those things,” Jace teased. “Have you ever ridden on one of these things, princess?”

Alyssa scoffed. “First of all, my name is Alyssa.”

“Sugar Plum?”

“Alyssa.”

“Pretty girl?”

“Wow, I’m in the presence of a comedian. No, I have not ridden one of those things.”

Chuckling, John took over. “Well, this right here is called a four wheeler, not a thing, but I’m assuming you already knew that. Wanna take a quick ride with me and I’ll show you how it’s done?”

She totally wanted to, it honestly looked like fun.

“Maybe another time. You’re filthy dirty and covered in mud, not really my thing. No offense, or anything.”

John clutched his chest. “Oh, I think she just insulted me,” he joked, looking at Jace. “You have a lot to learn. You live in the South now. We get dirty here and so will you.”

“Doubtful, considering I wasn’t raised to play in the mud. Pigs play in the mud and I’m not an animal,” she spat back.

The two friends looked at each other and then burst into laughter. “We weren’t raised to play in the mud, sweetheart. It just sort of happens.”

Curious, Alyssa shifted on her feet. “How does it just happen?”

Jace spoke up this time. “When we go muddin’, ride four wheelers, or party down by the river. Mud just happens. You’ll see.”

“Mud just happens?” she stated, dumbfounded. Now she’s heard it all.

“Mud happens,” John repeated with a smirk. He tried to contain his laughter, but Jace was giving Alyssa a hard time and it was funny as hell.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” she said with her perfectly straight nose in the air. “Mud won’t happen to me.”

“Mark my words,” Jace said. “Mud will happen to you. It’s inevitable.”

Was she really standing there having a conversation about mud? Jesus Christ.

“Is that how people down here talk? Mud happens? I’ve never heard of such a thing. Listen to yourself, you sound completely foolish.”

“Mud . . . happens . . .” He looked Alyssa straight in the eyes and said, “Sounds normal to me. Say it with me.” John was having fun teasing the new girl.

“I’ll pass.”

“Well, we need to get goin’. I guess we’ll see ya around town,” he drawled.

His green eyes . . . she could stare at them for hours. They were hypnotizing, and for some reason she had a feeling he knew it since they hadn’t broken each other’s gaze. “See you around.”

Cranking the gas, the engine roared back to life. John clutched the gear with his barefoot and glanced over his shoulder at Alyssa. She was absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. He couldn’t think of any other words to describe her. Alyssa was gorgeous from head to toe.

“Later, sugar.”

“Bye, princess,” Jace threw in.

A smile tugged at her mouth. “Later.”

Alyssa watched as John and Jace took off, a puff of dirt flying up into the air. When they were half way down the street, she turned around and walked back to her house.

Looks like she just got a dose of some of that southern charm she’s heard of and she was okay with it, especially coming from John.

CHAPTER TWO

Stepping inside the lecture hall, the door closed behind her with a loud thud and all heads turned in her direction. She quickly glanced at the students. She wasn’t sure why, it wasn’t like she knew anyone.

“Can I help you?” the middle aged woman down in the front asked. Alyssa pulled her schedule free from her folder and handed it to her. The woman glanced down at the paper. “Welcome to my class, Alyssa Winters,” she said with a genuine smile. “Take one of the opened seats in the back and start jotting down the notes. At the end of the class come see me and I’ll get you what you need.”

“Thank you.”

Climbing the stairs, she passed six rows of beige desks. She rounded the back row and found an opened seat. Sitting down, she pulled out a pencil and her notebook and began copying the notes.

As she was writing, Alyssa could feel eyes on her. She didn’t want to look, but it was like they were burning a hole into her face. A quick glance from the corner of her eye confirmed her suspicion.

Two desks over, John was leaning on the back legs of his chair with a pencil dangling between his lips. Her eyes focused on his mouth for a moment and noticed his tongue flicking the pencil. Then their eyes locked, and the smirk that spread across his face made her body flush. At first she didn’t recognize him all cleaned up, it caught her by surprise. This side of him was more alluring compared to what she met the other day, though see wouldn’t mind seeing him in just shorts again.

Her eyes blinked rapidly, and she tried to focus on her teacher’s voice. He pulled the pencil from his mouth and started bouncing it between his fingers, the eraser tapping lightly on the desk, a sound only meant for her to hear. A grin tugged at his lips, and she found herself trying not to return the smile. It was a futile attempt. Alyssa’s face softened at the playful gleam in his eyes when he whispered hi.

Then she noticed it . . . a dimple. He had one dimple right above his jaw line when he smiled. How had she not noticed a few days ago when she met him and Jace?

An innocent looking dimple, hazel green eyes that spoke of temptation, topped with a sinful smile? Not to mention that southern drawl?

Alyssa was in trouble. Big trouble. John was cleaned up and looking good, completely different from the other day. He waved and her stomach dropped. John was . . . pretty hot.

“Ah, Mr. Jackson,” Mrs. Jones said, grabbing his attention. “Stop flirting with Miss Winters. Focus on the reason why you’re here. Eyes on the board.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

John winked at Alyssa and then did as the professor asked. He spent the next two hours sneaking glances at her.

Class ended and Alyssa quickly gathered up her books. She glanced at her schedule while walking out of her first class when a strong arm hooked around her neck and rested on her shoulders. Startled, she looked up at a grinning John. He tugged her to him and they walked together down the hall as if they had been friends for years, not having just met only recently.

“Figured since you’re new here, I could walk you to your next class. Where you headed?” His deep voice was right near her ear.

Alyssa looked at her schedule. “Physics?”

“Ouch. Not my kind of class, but I can lead the way.”

Alyssa held her books tighter to her chest. “Thanks, Johnny,” was all she could muster. She wasn’t expecting John to wear cologne, or even own any, but the scent that lingered on him smelled divine. She found herself leaning in to get a better drift of it.

“Huh.”

“Huh, what?”

“Well, it’s just that no one’s ever called me Johnny before.”

“Really?” Alyssa kind of felt stupid for calling him that now.

“I would have corrected anyone who said that, but I kind of like it on your lips. Know what else I would like on your lips, sugar?” His eyes were gleaming with wickedness and that stupid dimple of his was showing. His smile caused a flutter in her stomach, but she pushed it down.

Alyssa rolled her eyes. Talk about coming on strong. “If you call me those stupid nicknames, then I get to call you Johnny.”

“Fair enough.”

“Are you going to be late by walking me to class?”

“No, I have a break for the next hour then another class.”

She nodded her head.

“What do you do in between classes?” she asked. John dropped his arm from her shoulders and held the door open for her as they stepped inside another building.

“Depends, I guess. Sometimes school work, sometimes I hang with my boys. Wherever the day takes us. Where’s your schedule?”

Alyssa handed it to him.

He scanned it. “These are the hours you’re with me, Alyssa. We have two classes together.”

“Lucky me,” she said sarcastically. “I’m surprised you even remembered my name.”

“I didn’t. It’s at the top of your schedule.”

“Hey!” she laughed. Alyssa had the sudden urge to smack him.

“What? I’m being honest.” Laughing, he returned her schedule and asked, “What are you doing after class?”

“Not talking to a guy who can’t remember my name, that’s for sure.”

“Ouch, you wound me,” he joked. “Hang out with me. Let me make it up by showing you around town.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know you?”

“But that’s how you’ll get to know me, by hanging out with me,” he stated obviously.

A low chuckle rolled off her lips. She couldn’t help it.

“Well, here we are.”

When they reached the classroom, they both faced each other and locked gazes. John loved a quick witted girl, especially when she was easy on the eyes. “Thanks for walking me to class. At least I won’t be late for this one.”

He winked. “See you around, sugar.”

THE FIRST HALF of the day passed quickly, and by noon Alyssa found herself in the dining hall. She hated being the new girl. She should have been used to it by now, but she wasn’t. New school, new friends, new everything.

Quickly grabbing a bottle of water and a bag of chips, Alyssa made her way outside. There were groups of students scattered about, sitting under the overhang laughing and chatting away. They were in their own worlds, and she felt like an outsider peeking in.

Alyssa sighed when she found her new lunch spot—a thigh high wall of red bricks other students were sitting on. She sat down near the corner and leaned back against the brick wall staring up at the cloudless sky for a moment.

Georgia was a much slower pace than in California, but she was slowly finding that she liked that aspect. Bringing up her legs, she uncapped her water and took a sip, then pulled out a map along with her schedule. Alyssa had gotten lost on her way to another class earlier in the day and walked in late. She wanted to try and avoid that if she could, so she began studying the map, trying to memorize a route.

MOST DAYS JOHN left in between classes to grab lunch with his friends, Jace and Ford. They would pick up fast food and bring it back to the dining hall to eat or wherever they felt. Parking his truck, they jumped out and made their way to the courtyard as Ford was telling him and Jace about a prank Ford’s little brother wanted help with.

“Just hear me out before you say no. We round up a bunch of cows, like twenty cows, and sneak them into the school. Gather as many frogs as we can and dump them in there. Some stray cats and dogs, drop some dead fish in the air vents, too. Then we wait and watch from a distance the next morning.”

“Where the fuck are we going to get twenty cows from? And no offense or anything, but I don’t want to get rabies as we’re trying to catch some stray animals for your brother.” Jace deadpanned. “Seriously, how many do you think we could find in our small town?”

Ford ignored him and continued. “We could use some Gorilla Glue on all the locks except for one door so no one can get in that day.”

“You gave this some serious thought, haven’t you,” Jace asked Ford, and he nodded.

“You guys are crazy. There’s no way this could work. Not to mention, Ford, your brother could get expelled. You guys are on your own with this one.” As fun as it sounded, John was going to sit this one out.

“My parents have so many cows that they would never notice, say, ten missing,” Ford chimed in. “We can pluck a few from all the farms my parents have and the rest we could probably buy.”

John sipped his Coke and actually gave some thought to Ford’s crazy ass idea. It could possibly work, but before he could think about it further, he spotted a pretty blonde with legs for days.

John didn’t know what had gotten into him, but there was something about Alyssa that made him want to get to know her. The instant he saw her he had to go to her. She looked alone and down sitting by herself.

Jace’s hand flew back and smacked John in the stomach pulling him out of his thoughts. “What the hell, bro?”

“I asked you a question.”

“And clearly I didn’t hear you, asshole. What did you ask me?”

“Want to go muddin’ sometime? We haven’t been in a while.”

When had the conversation moved to another topic? “Yeah, sure.” John was still focused on Alyssa. “Have you met the new girl yet, Ford? She actually lives near us.”

“I call dibs!” Ford exclaimed.

John turned his head, bemused. “You call dibs? What are you? Fucking ten? First of all, no one says dibs anymore, dipshit. And second, you haven’t even seen her yet. For all you know, she could be wearing braces, pimply faced, with some nappy looking hair, all skin and bones. And we all know how you like ‘em thick and younger than you. You still gonna call dibs then?”

Jace barked out a laugh at Ford’s expression and John found himself laughing, too. “I can’t help it if I like a little meat on my girls’ bones. More cushion for the pushin’.”

“Oh, my God.”

“Whatever, douche bag.”

John guided his friends toward Alyssa. “There she is.”

“I think I just saw hearts in John’s eyes,” Jace joked. John gave him the middle finger and a friendly smile.

“Well, hey there, sugar,” John drawled, stopping in front of Alyssa.

Alyssa’s head snapped up to see three guys standing in front of her. The blinding sun shined in her eyes and she blocked it with her hand, then looked at each one and finished at John.

“Johnny. Still can’t remember my name, I see.”

“Johnny?” Jace retorted.

“Alyssa,” he drew out her name, ignoring Jace. “This is Ford. You met Jace already the other day . . .”

“Yup, she ain’t my type, but pretty though,” Ford spoke up. Alyssa’s brows pinched together and her mouth dropped open. Of the three guys in front of her, Ford easily stood the tallest. His physique was quite impressive. He wore one of those ugly muscle shirts that exposed his incredibly defined and toned arms. It had giant holes that looked like he cut out himself.

“I’m glad, because you are not my type either,” she said slowly, enunciating you are not. She hated when people said ain’t.

John snickered. Alyssa was a mouthy little thing. He was feeling her attitude. “So, are you finding your way around?”

“I am.”

“Are you liking South Fork?” Ford asked.

“It’s growing on me. Is your name really Ford, or is that some sort of nickname?”

Ford lowered his eyes. Barely moving his mouth, he responded. “Yes. My name really is Ford.”

“He hates when people ask him that.”

A smile formed on Alyssa’s sweet face. Her heavy black lashes only made her bright blue eyes glimmer in the light.

“We just decided we’re all going muddin’ sometime. Since I know you have no friends yet and I can bet you have no plans, what do you say? Wanna dip your feet in the Georgia mud? Get a little taste of the South?”

Alyssa’s mouth dropped open, utterly shocked. Was he serious? “I told you, but I’ll tell you again since you seem to have a listening problem. I don’t play in the mud. And aren’t you a little old to be going mudding?”

John could barely form words as he stared at her. He just met his match. A chick that wasn’t afraid to hand it to him. That got the blood flowing straight to his dick.

“There isn’t much else to do around here,” Jace jumped in.

“Unfortunately for you, I need to get a job. So that’s what I’ll be doing this weekend until I can find one.”

“You’re going to be looking all day?” John questioned her.

“Sure am.”

“Well then, I’ll get you on Sunday.”

Alyssa paused. She wasn’t ready for that response.

“Can’t.”

A sly smile curved John’s lips. “Be ready Sunday.”

John glanced over his shoulder as he walked away with Ford and Jace. He locked eyes with Alyssa and with a devious smirk added, “Wear some dirty, old clothes.”

She flipped him off.

Fucking hell. John had one goal right now, and that was to get Alyssa on the back of his four wheeler and some mud on her jeans, just to irritate her for the fun of it. She seemed uptight and needed to let loose. She’d probably try to kill him while doing it, but it would be worth it. Normally, girls tried to get his attention left and right considering who his brother is, but Alyssa was different and did the complete opposite. It was a nice change of pace for once.

John had a feeling about her, and he was going to run with it.

ALSO BY LUCIA FRANCO

All or Nothing series

You'll Think of Me

Hold On to Me

Off Balance series

Balance

Execution

Release

To my husband, Tony, thank you for your effort to be both Mom and Dad to our children while I was writing this book. Your actions do not go unnoticed. I'm fortunate to have your support with a career that's so demanding. I spend a lot of time on my laptop and you never complain. Thank you for wanting to be part of this journey with me and doing what you can to help. Whether it's the dishes or reading articles on how to market books, I appreciate it so much.

We ride together, we die together, Jill Mac. It’s clear you can't get enough of me and why you keep coming back for more. I guess I'm kind of the same way. Thank you—these two words aren’t adequate enough to show my appreciation for everything you do—so much for stepping up to the plate in the midst of my usual mid-story writing meltdown and taking control. You keep my head on straight and focused, making sure I'm where I need to be and not to worry about anything else. Thank you a million times.

Nadine Winningham, you're probably one of the best humans I know. Your heart is huge, and you're always there to lend a helping hand with your simple fixes that make me smile and allow me to breathe again. Thank you for the amount of work you put into editing my books each time. Your dedication blows me away. You deserve a medal and all the coffee in the world. My books would not be what they are without you. You are one of a kind and ALL MINE. Your junkyard though… it's my favorite part about you.

Amber Hodge, a.k.a. All Ambers Are Hoes, a.k.a. Proofreader, I'm so happy you took a chance on my books when it wasn't your cup of tea. Obviously you love Kova, even though you don't want to admit it. The best part that came out of you reading my books is your friendship. I love seeing a message come in from you. Thank you so much for taking the time to proofread Release and provide priceless feedback. One day I'm going to squeeze you.

Author Ella Fields, the day you sent me fifteen middle finger emojis, I knew we were going to be the best of friends. I can't thank you enough for always being there to answer questions about publishing, brainstorm, or to just vent and talk about the most random things. One day we're going to meet and you're going to wear lizard earrings with a smile. Love your face!

Dana Bobko-Galiano, thank you for taking the time to create one-of-a-kind swag for the Off Balance readers. It means so much to me. Thank you for always going above and beyond—even when I say no—but most importantly, thank you for just being a pretty rad, supportive stepmom.

To the early beta readers whose feedback was invaluable, Ratula Roy, Author LK Farlow, Vashti Dawn, Lucy Taylor (my Russian love), each one of you played a huge part in bringing this story to fruition. Thank you to the moon and back for the time you spent reading my messy drafts, brainstorming with me for hours, and giving feedback.

To my street team and the members of Relax for me, Malysh, YOU GUYS ARE THE REAL MVPs! Your unending support for this anxiety-inducing series is what makes me want to write it. Thank you all so much for your love. Every day you guys humble me with your comments and posts. I love you guys so much. I couldn't have done this without you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

A competitive athlete for over ten years, Lucia Franco currently resides in sunny South Florida with her husband and two boys. Paranormal romance was her first love, but she has a soft spot in her heart for small-town and reunion romance stories.

When Lucia is not hard at work on her next novel, you can find her relaxing with her toes in the sand at a nearby beach.

Find out more at authorluciafranco.com.

Table of Contents

- Cover

- Title

- Title/author name

- Copyright

- Contents

- Also by Lucia Franco

- Introduction

- Dedication

- Epigraph

- Glossary of Terms

- Chapter 1

- Chapter 2

- Chapter 3

- Chapter 4

- Chapter 5

- Chapter 6

- Chapter 7

- Chapter 8

- Chapter 9

- Chapter 10

- Chapter 11

- Chapter 12

- Chapter 13

- Chapter 14

- Chapter 15

- Chapter 16

- Chapter 17

- Chapter 18

- Chapter 19

- Chapter 20

- Chapter 21

- Chapter 22

- Chapter 23

- Chapter 24

- Chapter 25

- Chapter 26

- Chapter 27

- Chapter 28

- Chapter 29

- Chapter 30

- Chapter 31

- Chapter 32

- Chapter 33

- Chapter 34

- Chapter 35

- Chapter 36

- Chapter 37

- Chapter 38

- Chapter 39

- Chapter 40

- Chapter 41

- Chapter 42

- Chapter 43

- Chapter 44

- Chapter 45

- Chapter 46

- Chapter 47

- Turn for a preview of Hold On to Me by Lucia Franco

- Prologue

- Chapter One

- Chapter Two

- Also by Lucia Franco

- Acknowledgments

- About the Author

Table of Contents

Cover

Title

Title/author name

Copyright

Contents

Also by Lucia Franco

Introduction

Dedication

Epigraph

Glossary of Terms

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Turn for a preview of Hold On to Me by Lucia Franco

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Also by Lucia Franco

Acknowledgments

About the Author